One for the Australians:

A Victorian walks into a bar.

Warning: Australian joke!

What's left after your local Woolworths burned down?
Coals

Australian immigration asks...

Friend of a friend was entering Australia, going through customs.

Them: “Have you ever been convicted of a felony?” Him: “I didn’t know it was still a requirement!”

They eventually did let him in, but they were clearly not happy with him.

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Australians don't have sex

They mate

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THE AUSTRALIAN APPROACH'

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.

The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience ?'

The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.'

The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.

His first day on t...

I was applying for Australian citizenship and the interviewer asked, “Do you have a criminal record?”

I said, “No. Is that still required?”

I was watching Australian Master Chef last night...

Some guy made a meringue and everybody cheered...

I thought... That's odd, normaly in Australia they boo meringue

How do Australians order monkies?

Amazon Prime, mate.

What did the australian say to the undercooked turkey?

Are you all raw?

What was the last thing the Australian suicide bomber was overheard saying?

Tadie’s tha die ta die.

What did the king say when he finished his meal at the Australian restaurant?

Check, mate.

If you are Australian when you go to the bathroom, and still Australian when you leave the bathroom, what are you when your in the bathroom?

European

A man from the US with COVID-19 is the in an Australian hospital.

He looks at the nurse and says, "Did I come here to die?"

The nurse turns and replies, "No, you came here yestaday"

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An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian.....

.... an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Camer...

Why are Australians such confident baseball players?

They’re always being told “good eye”


Yes I realize this is stupid :)

Ever given anyone an Australian kiss?

It's the same as a French kiss except down unda.

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(NSFW) Two Iraqi's move to Australia and have a bet who can become the most Australian in a year.

A year later, they meet at the pub and the first Iraqi says "G'day mate! I woke up this morning and had a can of VB and pie and sauce for breakfast. Later on I'm gonna hook up the tinny to the fourby and go fishin with me mates! How's that for fucken Australian!!!"

The other Iraqi looks at h...

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An Australian bin man knocks at the door of a Chinese guy

And asks 'where's ya bin mate' The guy answers 'I bin watching TV!' The Ozzie asks 'na mate where's ya wheelie bin' The guy hangs his head and says 'I wheelie been wanking'

what did the Australian say to the American?

ǝʇɐɯ ʎɐpƃ

An Australian General says to a soldier, “Did you come here to die?”

The soldier responds, “No, sir. I came here yester-die!”

My Australian friend flunked 2 music classes, but said he'd only re-taken one.

I asked him, "so, which didgeridoo?"

Did you know all gynecologists are Australian?

They're all bush doctors who work down under.

An Australian man and his kangaroo walk into a bar

An Australian man and his kangaroo walk into a bar, and spend the night drinking shot after shot. After a few hours, the kangaroo passes out and slumps to the floor. The man goes to pay his tab and starts to leave. The bartender shouts “Hey! Are you just going to leave that lying there?” The man tur...

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God is creating the world, and he talks to the canadians

He says to them “You will have the best land ever. It is beautiful, in the summer it is warm and in the winter it snows beautiful snow flakes. It is called Canada. You will have prosperity and food for all your days.”

He then gets the Australians, and says to them “I give to you Australia. Yo...

An American pilot is flying over the Australian outback.

He suddenly loses control of the plane and crashes. The next thing he knows he wakes up in a hospital. He figures he's in pretty bad shape but he wants to know for sure so when he sees a nurse he stops her.



"Did I come here to die?"



"No," the Australian replied. "Yo...

The Englishman goes through Australian immigration

The Englishman goes through Australian immigration, the officer looks at his form and asks him "Do you have a criminal record?" The Englishman replies "Is that still a requirement?"

An Australian goes to a chess tournament

When he was about to lose his first game, his opponent looked up, smiled and said: *checkmate*.

The Australian replied back in confusion: *But mate.. I didn't order anything!*

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An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter . . .

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope you're are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. B...

An Australian enters a Chess competition

To pay for admission, he writes a check to the organizers. He walks up to a man at the entrance accepting checks. The man at the entrance says "Do you have your check, mate?" To which the Australian responds "Checkmate? I haven't even started a round"

A man from Prague and his friend were playing chess at a restaurant when an Australian waiter interrupts their game.

The waiter says, "have a check, mate. Your Czech mate is about to be in check mate... oh, and here's the cheque, mate."

There once was an Australian Aboriginal

He bought a new boomerang and spent the rest of his life trying to get rid of the old one.

What do you call Australian senior citizens?

Boomer-angs

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TIL that Australian people don't have sex

They mate

Why are Australians stocking up on toilet paper in response to Coronavirus?

They think it will have a major impact down under.

Why did Barbie smell like fish?

Because Australians like throwing shrimp on her.

An Australian, a Brit, and an American were all asked a question

'Name a type of bird' the three were asked

The Brit went first and said, "Ducks, first one that came to mind."

The Australian got grumpy with his answer, "Magpies, they're bloody annoying mate."

The American was last. His answer was, "Desert Eagle."

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The Australian turns to the cat and asked him, “do you have trouble with poo sticking to your fur?”

The cat said no. So the Australian picked up the cat and wiped his bum with him.

I was watching an Australian cooking show, and people started cheering when the chef made a meringue .

I was shocked. Usually Australians boo meringue.

How can you tell British police from Australian police?

British police don't carry guns, but everything in Australia is trying to kill you.

I feel like I can always tell when there’s an Australian commenting on my Reddit posts.

Have you ever... ever felt like this?

What does the Australian say when he wants to pay the bill?

Checkmate

An Englishman , an Irishman and an Australian walk into a bar.

Those were the days..

Why won't Australians see your posts?

They can only sort by hot right now

Had an issue remotely connecting to an Australian PC.

Connection was blocked by the firewall.

So an Australian walks ito a cafe and orders coffe

The barista says “want any creamer”

The Australian replies “Just coffee, mate”

How do you find Australian memes on reddit?

Sort by Hot.

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Only Australians and/or New Zealanders will get this joke

A large man walks into a bar and looks for a place to sit. Every stool and table is taken but at the end of the bar is a little man drinking a beer by himself. So, the big man walks up behind him and slaps him across the back of head and he falls to the floor.

The little man gets up rubbing h...

An Australian enters a chemist.

He walks up and tells the chick behind the counter,

"Yeah I'm looking for some deodorant."

She says "OK, ball or aerosol?"

He looks at her a little confused...

"Nah armpits"

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Before this year started, none of us could have predicted all this: Kobe Bryant, Australian fires, Coronavirus quarantine, Tiger King, toilet paper hoarding.

I guess none of us truly had 2020 vision after all.

An Australian gets off the boat in 1930's dust bowl USA and wanders around the land a while.

The harbor master meets him at the shore and asked him...why are you here now?
Did you come here to die??
Naw mate... I came here yesterdie.

Yet another genius Australian.

The Park Ranger had been trying to catch a guy for illegal crayfish poaching, so he hid behind a bush and waited. Along came the guy and soon after he pulled a crayfish from the billabong.

The Ranger jumped out and said “Okay Billy I am arresting you for stealing crayfish. “

Billy said...

My work has just hired an Australian IT expert

He comes from a LAN down under

Australians are geniuses.

One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fu...

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An Australian goes to new Zealand

An Australian goes to new Zealand and sees a guy fucking a sheep on the side of the road, he says mate, in Australia we sheer our sheep. The new Zealand guy says, fuck off, I'm not sheering her with anyone.

What did the Australian teacher say to his talkative literature class

Excuse me everyone please stop Tolkien

They finally found how Australian fires started

Fire

How do Australian chess players send their food back?

"It's stale, mate."

What's an Australian ghost's favourite dessert?

Boo-meringue.

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Do you know what Australians' favourite sex position is?

96.

Why kind of women do Australian Firefighters get?

Hose

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An Australian, Englishman and a Irishman sit down for lunch.

They all pullout there lunch a vegimite sandwich for the Australian, soup for the Englishman and a patato for the Irishman. They all sigh and say 'if I have this for lunch one more time I'm going to kill myself!'

The next day the all have the same thing and they all follow through with there ...

I got a bit bored on a long highway drive and started scrolling through the various voice choices on my GPS.

There was a USA accent, a French accent and even an Australian accent. Then I noticed "Wife mode". So I selected it, and nothing seemed to happen, until about 10 miles later the GPS said,

"So, if I died, would you get a new GPS?""

Why can’t Australians catch the coronavirus?

Because we’re only intoxicated by the hard stuff.

An Australian man set his pubic hair on fire.

I guess you could call that an Australian bushfire

They say 30% of Australians are casual racists

The other 70% are full time

How do australians call their mother?

wow

What's the difference between the Australian Brushfires and the Great Fire of Rome?

Nero actually didn't play the lyre as Rome burnt.

Why are Australian women so hairy?

Because Australian men don't mind exploring the bush in the land down under!

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75% of Australian men watch porn.

The other 25% are with Optus and still waiting for it to load.

Why can you never play chess with an Australian?

You can never know if it’s really checkmate

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Australian Guy on honeymoon and his Wife slips and damages her pussy.

He calls his mate and explains what has happened, his mate says bummer mate, he replies fucking hell Bruce didn't think of that I owe you a beer.

What does an Australian call the bottom of his shoe?

His soul, mate

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A Soviet citizen, a Texan and an Australian walk in to a bar

The Texan stands up on his barstool and shoots the cap of his beer and says “my name is bill, buffalo bill”

Then the Australian stands up and throws a boomerang around the room before knocking the cap of his beer and saying “ my name is bill, boomerang bill”

Then the Soviet sits for a ...

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An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Australian, are hiking through the South American jungle

When all of sudden, they see a crystal clear pool at the foot of a mountain. They're all hot and tired, so naturally, they strip off and jump in, and to their surprise, that are captured by natives. They are brought in front of the chief and told that the pool is sacred. He tells them that they are ...

I met an Australian guy who works in IT.

I asked, "Do you come from a LAN down under?"

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How does the Australian keep his ass so clean?

Bidet, mate!

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A man starts his new job as a miner in a far away Australian town.

The town only exists for miners, and all the miners are men.

After a month on the job the man is very horny, but with no women in town he's out of luck.

One night in the bar he's talking to his fellow miners about his situation. He asks them how they deal with the loneliness.

Th...

What did the Australian say to the bug with great vision?

Good eye, mite

How can you tell if an Australian is asking a question?

You can’t?

I was on an Australian tour, and handled a koala bear. The trainer told me to wash my hands, as koala bears are known to have chlamydia.

In all honesty, the koala should probably wash *his* hands.

What did the trees say to the Australians pruning them?

Eucalyptus

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An Australian was taking his girlfriend out for a night of passion under the stars.....

....when she was stung between the legs by a giant hornet. In a panic he wasn’t sure what to do so he rang the Australian Emergency Medical Helpline.... “Hello, I’m takin’ me Shiela out for a romantic night of camping and she’s just been stung by a hornet on her privates...and it’s all swollen and ...

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An Australian radio host is running a competition to great a new word and ask callers to suggest one

Caller one : garn

Host : can you use it in a sentence?

Caller one : garn get fucked (hangs up)

Host : ok, let's try again again, what's your word?

Caller 2 : smee

Host : and can you use it in a sentence?

Caller two : smee again, garn get fucked

An ancient aquatic system older than the pyramids has been revealed by the Australian bushfires

Australian scientists are thinking about naming them 'rivers.'

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Why do Australian women never orgasm from breast play alone?

Because they come from a land down under.

In all of the possible universes where Spider-Man is of another culture or race, why can’t he be Australian?

Because if he got bitten by a spider in Australia he’d just die.

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There are several distinct cultural differences between Australian and America. For example, Americans are really offended by the word cunt...

Conversely, Australians are really offended by schools being shot up.

An American soldier captured an Australian soldier in US soil

The American soldier asked

“Did you come here to die?!”

The Australian responded

“No Sir! I came here yesterday!”

370HSSV-0773H

Is what my Australian ex girlfriend texted me.

An AmerIcan pilot rents a small plane while on vacation in Australia...

The plane start to have engine trouble and crashes. He wakes up in the hospital the following day in a body cast and excruciating pain. Depressed and in agony, he asks the nurse to come over.

He asks her, “Did I come here to die?”

The Australian nurse responds, “Of course not, sweethe...

A chess champion and an Australian man were playing a game of chess at a fancy restaurant.

(My dad told me this one, not sure if it’s OG but hey it’s worth a shot)

A chess master wanted to go back to playing casual matches, he also invited his old friend who was from Australia to play at a local restaurant.

The man is surprised his friend is holding out amazingly well, and a...

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I heard this joke in Portuguese. It's a bit long, but i hope it translates well.

An American, an Australian and a British found themselves at a remote island after an accident of which they were the only survivors. After roaming the islands for a few hours, they are captured by a local cannibal tribe. The leader of the tribe, then said:

— There's only one way you can...

Everything you need to know about Australia

I REALLY hope these are true


These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for stupid questions!)


\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\...

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An Australian guy walks into a bar with a crocodile under his arm

He asks the bartender if he will give him free drinks if he shows he can put his penis inside the crocs mouth for 15 seconds without it getting bit off. The bartender agrees. The guy opens the crocs mouth and puts his penis inside it; the croc gently closes his mouth and after 15 seconds the Austral...

What sound does an Australian cow make?

OOW

There’s a girl who can play a wooden instrument developed by Indigenous Australians.

I dig her, I do.

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