Warning: Australian joke!

What's left after your local Woolworths burned down?
Coals

I wanted an Australian Visa. They asked if I had a criminal record.

Didn't know you still need it.

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THE AUSTRALIAN APPROACH'

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.

The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience ?'

The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.'

The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.

His first day on t...

I recently decided to apply for Australian citizenship, and I was surprised at some of the questions they asked.

Like, they asked if I had ever been convicted of a crime. I had no idea that was still a requirement.

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What do cats from the Australian outback say?

Meow. What did you expect? It's a fucking cat.

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A Frenchman, an Englishman and an Australian were hiking through some remote mountains.

The weather was oppressively hot when they saw this beautiful lake. They ran down to the lake, stripped off and swam in the wonderfully cool water.

Natives appeared on the shore and captured them and took them before the Chief.

"Lake is our most sacred site. You have violated sacred si...

One for the Australians:

A Victorian walks into a bar.

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An Australian bloke traveling through New Zealand

Sees a man having sex with a sheep on the road side. He stops the car and says to kiwi "You know, in Australia we sheer our sheep."

Kiwi replies "Fuck off. I'm not sharing her with anyone."

I just got a call from my australian grandpa!

A boomer rang.

A joke for Australians

The Garbo's doing his rounds and he gets his mate,the bogan's place and the bin ain't out the front. So the Garbo knocks on the door. "G'Day, Bogan. Long time no see. Where's ya bin?" Asks the Garbo. "I bin on holidays." Says the Bogan. "Nah mate, where's ya bin?" Repeats the Garbo. "I just s...

What do you call an Australian visiting England on vacation?

Returning to the scene of the crime.

When I was small my parents used to bath me in cheap Australian lager

It wasn't until I was 18 I realised I had been Fostered

An Australian woman takes out a personal advert to find herself a man who has never slept with a woman before.

She finally gets a reply from a man who has spent his entire life in the outback. They meet and hit it off immediately and, after a brief engagement, they get married. On the wedding night, she walks into their bedroom to find her new husband standing in the middle of the room, totally naked and all...

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A Chinese man, French man, Muslim and an Australian stand on the edge of a cliff

\[long\]



The Chinese man approaches the edge and says "My country is rich with money - so I will give some to the gods, for luck!"

And the throws several rolls of $100 notes off the cliff.



The French man, not wanting to be out done, steps forward. "In my country...

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An Israeli, a German, a Russian and an Australian doctor were comparing recent surgeries they had performed...

The Israeli doctor says; “In Israel, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a mans testicles, put them on another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for work”.

The German doctor says;” That’s nothing, in Germany we take a part of the brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking...

You can never enjoy a game of Chess against an Australian.

Everytime he checks, you'll think he's won the game.

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An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian.....

.... an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Camer...

The convicted Australian criminal Mark "Chopper" Reid, who had his ears cut off in prison, wrote a book called No Tears for a Tough Guy.

Maybe it should've been called No Ears for a Tough Guy.

Australian in the US army

A drill sergeant is yell at an Australian private.

Officer: did you come here to die!!!

Private: no sir I came here yesterday.


(Must say in Australian accent.)

An Australian ventriloquist is visiting Afghanistan.

One day he walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.


He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the villager "can I talk to your dog?"


Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."


Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how'...

My Australian friend failed his aboriginal music exam

So I asked him, "Did you redo it?"

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An Australian paratrooper

An Australian paratrooper’s mum has a dream that his son’s parachute doesn’t open and he falls to his death. She pleads with him to not go to work today. He says “Mum ! I can’t just not turn up, it’s army after all . I will however request my sergeant to spare me the jump today”

As planned he...

An Australian,A Frenchman and An indian are talking about the driving conditions in their respective countries.

The Australian says: We're such good drivers, that we can go 10 feet within a cliff and not fall off!

The Frenchman, looking to appear better than his British Texan counterpart says:Oh yea? We're such good drivers that we can go within 5 feet within a cliff and not fall off!

The Indian...

I met a lot of Australians recently

They are very unique folk. They are obsessed with eye color. Mine are, apparently, very amazing. Whenever I meet one, for whatever reason, the first thing they always say is "good eye."

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Australians don't have sex

They mate

Ya' wanna know what a Australian kiss is?

It's like a French kiss, but down undah.

How do Australians order monkies?

Amazon Prime, mate.

If you are Australian when you go to the bathroom, and still Australian when you leave the bathroom, what are you when your in the bathroom?

European

Saw in the new year with some Australian kangaroo beer

Nice and hoppy

What did the Australian say when he stabbed the czech king?

Czech Mate

Two Australians were sitting around talking over a beer..

After a while the first Australian says to the second, “If I was to sneak over to your house and make love to your wife while you was off fishing, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?"

The second Australian crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head...

What kind of light does an Australian use to shave?

Rise Up Lights

(Say it out loud)

I was watching Australian Master Chef last night...

Some guy made a meringue and everybody cheered...

I thought... That's odd, normaly in Australia they boo meringue

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Why do Australians prefer to stream their porn on local area networks?

They come from a LAN down under.

Australian immigration asks...

Friend of a friend was entering Australia, going through customs.

Them: “Have you ever been convicted of a felony?” Him: “I didn’t know it was still a requirement!”

They eventually did let him in, but they were clearly not happy with him.

A man from the US with COVID-19 is the in an Australian hospital.

He looks at the nurse and says, "Did I come here to die?"

The nurse turns and replies, "No, you came here yestaday"

An American pilot is flying over the Australian outback.

He suddenly loses control of the plane and crashes. The next thing he knows he wakes up in a hospital. He figures he's in pretty bad shape but he wants to know for sure so when he sees a nurse he stops her.



"Did I come here to die?"



"No," the Australian replied. "Yo...

An Australian is visiting Britain...

He's from a small rural village and is completely unfamiliar with traffic rules and street lights and just crosses streets whenever. After almost getting hit by cars several times and lots of honking a police officer sees him and shouts: "Oi! You there, did you come here to die?" The Aussie replies:...

What do you call an Australian grave robber?

A down-under-taker

What do you call a native Australian that is doing quite o.k.?

An Averagenie.





(Disclaimer: not intending to hurt anyone’s feelings and/or appear racist in any way)

Abdul and his friend Mohammed are trying to migrate to australia as skilled workers.

They go to the Australian embassy in Lahore and start filling out the application.

Mohammed goes into an interview room with an embassy officer and they start discussing his work
Experience and whether he qualifies as skilled labor. ‘So what do you do, Mohammed?’ says the embassy worker. ...

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An Australian tourist driving through New Zealand is shocked..

..to see a farmer openly having sex with one of his sheep.

He pulls up and says “that’s disgusting, mate. In Australia we shear our sheep”.

The Kiwi gives a wink and replies “Nah, bru. I’m not shearing her with you”.

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Racism is not a joke

Hi, I've travelled around the world a little bit and I've had many wonderful experiences, although the story I'm about to share is one of the worst experiences in my life.

I went to Japan a few years ago and for the most part had a wonderful time and found the people to be amazingly friendly ...

I asked my Australian chemist friend for a faster internet browser to use.

He said, “Just use chromate”.

Ever given anyone an Australian kiss?

It's the same as a French kiss except down unda.

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An Australian bin man knocks at the door of a Chinese guy

And asks 'where's ya bin mate' The guy answers 'I bin watching TV!' The Ozzie asks 'na mate where's ya wheelie bin' The guy hangs his head and says 'I wheelie been wanking'

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(NSFW) Two Iraqi's move to Australia and have a bet who can become the most Australian in a year.

A year later, they meet at the pub and the first Iraqi says "G'day mate! I woke up this morning and had a can of VB and pie and sauce for breakfast. Later on I'm gonna hook up the tinny to the fourby and go fishin with me mates! How's that for fucken Australian!!!"

The other Iraqi looks at h...

What is an Australian ghost's favorite pie?

Boo meringue

Happy new year to everyone

Unless you're Australian, in which case ɹɐǝʎ ʍǝu ʎddɐH

What was the last thing the Australian suicide bomber was overheard saying?

Tadie’s tha die ta die.

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An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter . . .

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. Bu...

I was watching an Australian cooking show, and people started cheering when the chef made a meringue .

I was shocked. Usually Australians boo meringue.

Why are Australians stocking up on toilet paper in response to Coronavirus?

They think it will have a major impact down under.

An Australian goes to a chess tournament

When he was about to lose his first game, his opponent looked up, smiled and said: *checkmate*.

The Australian replied back in confusion: *But mate.. I didn't order anything!*

My work has just hired an Australian IT expert

He comes from a LAN down under

What did the australian say to the undercooked turkey?

Are you all raw?

An Englishman , an Irishman and an Australian walk into a bar.

Those were the days..

Why won't Australians see your posts?

They can only sort by hot right now

Had an issue remotely connecting to an Australian PC.

Connection was blocked by the firewall.

The Englishman goes through Australian immigration

The Englishman goes through Australian immigration, the officer looks at his form and asks him "Do you have a criminal record?" The Englishman replies "Is that still a requirement?"

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The Australian turns to the cat and asked him, “do you have trouble with poo sticking to your fur?”

The cat said no. So the Australian picked up the cat and wiped his bum with him.

Did you know all gynecologists are Australian?

They're all bush doctors who work down under.

A man from Prague and his friend were playing chess at a restaurant when an Australian waiter interrupts their game.

The waiter says, "have a check, mate. Your Czech mate is about to be in check mate... oh, and here's the cheque, mate."

An Australian enters a chemist.

He walks up and tells the chick behind the counter,

"Yeah I'm looking for some deodorant."

She says "OK, ball or aerosol?"

He looks at her a little confused...

"Nah armpits"

Why are Australians such confident baseball players?

They’re always being told “good eye”


Yes I realize this is stupid :)

My Australian friend flunked 2 music classes, but said he'd only re-taken one.

I asked him, "so, which didgeridoo?"

How do you find Australian memes on reddit?

Sort by Hot.

I feel like I can always tell when there’s an Australian commenting on my Reddit posts.

Have you ever... ever felt like this?

How can you tell British police from Australian police?

British police don't carry guns, but everything in Australia is trying to kill you.

An Australian man and his kangaroo walk into a bar

An Australian man and his kangaroo walk into a bar, and spend the night drinking shot after shot. After a few hours, the kangaroo passes out and slumps to the floor. The man goes to pay his tab and starts to leave. The bartender shouts “Hey! Are you just going to leave that lying there?” The man tur...

An Australian, a Brit, and an American were all asked a question

'Name a type of bird' the three were asked

The Brit went first and said, "Ducks, first one that came to mind."

The Australian got grumpy with his answer, "Magpies, they're bloody annoying mate."

The American was last. His answer was, "Desert Eagle."

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God is creating the world, and he talks to the canadians

He says to them “You will have the best land ever. It is beautiful, in the summer it is warm and in the winter it snows beautiful snow flakes. It is called Canada. You will have prosperity and food for all your days.”

He then gets the Australians, and says to them “I give to you Australia. Yo...

There once was an Australian Aboriginal

He bought a new boomerang and spent the rest of his life trying to get rid of the old one.

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Only Australians and/or New Zealanders will get this joke

A large man walks into a bar and looks for a place to sit. Every stool and table is taken but at the end of the bar is a little man drinking a beer by himself. So, the big man walks up behind him and slaps him across the back of head and he falls to the floor.

The little man gets up rubbing h...

What do you call Australian senior citizens?

Boomer-angs

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An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Australian, are hiking through the South American jungle

When all of sudden, they see a crystal clear pool at the foot of a mountain. They're all hot and tired, so naturally, they strip off and jump in, and to their surprise, that are captured by natives. They are brought in front of the chief and told that the pool is sacred. He tells them that they are ...

They finally found how Australian fires started

Fire

Yet another genius Australian.

The Park Ranger had been trying to catch a guy for illegal crayfish poaching, so he hid behind a bush and waited. Along came the guy and soon after he pulled a crayfish from the billabong.

The Ranger jumped out and said “Okay Billy I am arresting you for stealing crayfish. “

Billy said...

What does the Australian say when he wants to pay the bill?

Checkmate

An Australian gets off the boat in 1930's dust bowl USA and wanders around the land a while.

The harbor master meets him at the shore and asked him...why are you here now?
Did you come here to die??
Naw mate... I came here yesterdie.

Why kind of women do Australian Firefighters get?

Hose

How do Australian chess players send their food back?

"It's stale, mate."

What's an Australian ghost's favourite dessert?

Boo-meringue.

They say 30% of Australians are casual racists

The other 70% are full time

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Before this year started, none of us could have predicted all this: Kobe Bryant, Australian fires, Coronavirus quarantine, Tiger King, toilet paper hoarding.

I guess none of us truly had 2020 vision after all.

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An Australian, Englishman and a Irishman sit down for lunch.

They all pullout there lunch a vegimite sandwich for the Australian, soup for the Englishman and a patato for the Irishman. They all sigh and say 'if I have this for lunch one more time I'm going to kill myself!'

The next day the all have the same thing and they all follow through with there ...

I met an Australian guy who works in IT.

I asked, "Do you come from a LAN down under?"

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A Soviet citizen, a Texan and an Australian walk in to a bar

The Texan stands up on his barstool and shoots the cap of his beer and says “my name is bill, buffalo bill”

Then the Australian stands up and throws a boomerang around the room before knocking the cap of his beer and saying “ my name is bill, boomerang bill”

Then the Soviet sits for a ...

What did the Australian teacher say to his talkative literature class

Excuse me everyone please stop Tolkien

An Australian man set his pubic hair on fire.

I guess you could call that an Australian bushfire

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Do you know what Australians' favourite sex position is?

96.

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a dog breeder introduces his favorites;

“This is my English bulldog, Blimey”

“This is my Australian kelpie, Strewth”

“Finally this is my American pit bull, Shit”

What did the upbeat Australian say to the sad American?

Stop living in the past.

Why can’t Australians catch the coronavirus?

Because we’re only intoxicated by the hard stuff.

In all of the possible universes where Spider-Man is of another culture or race, why can’t he be Australian?

Because if he got bitten by a spider in Australia he’d just die.

Australians are geniuses.

One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fu...

So an Australian walks ito a cafe and orders coffe

The barista says “want any creamer”

The Australian replies “Just coffee, mate”

How do australians call their mother?

wow

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An Australian guy walks into a bar with a crocodile under his arm.

He asks the bartender if he will give him free drinks if he shows he can put his penis inside the crocs mouth for 15 seconds without it getting bit off. The bartender agrees. The guy opens the crocs mouth and puts his penis inside it; the croc gently closes his mouth and after 15 seconds the Austr...

A joke about the New Zealand accent.

An Australian tourist visits New Zealand. He decides to go a small town to take in the lush, rural landscape.

He sees a New Zealand farmer walking down the street, carrying a sheep under his arm. Curious the Australian asks, "Are you going to shear that sheep?"

The Kiwi farmer responds...

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75% of Australian men watch porn.

The other 25% are with Optus and still waiting for it to load.

Son: Mom can I have a cookie?

Dad: Son, you're Australian, call your mother by the appropriate name.

Son: Ok Dad. Hey Wow! Can I have a cookie?

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There are several distinct cultural differences between Australian and America. For example, Americans are really offended by the word cunt...

Conversely, Australians are really offended by schools being shot up.

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An Australian was taking his girlfriend out for a night of passion under the stars.....

....when she was stung between the legs by a giant hornet. In a panic he wasn’t sure what to do so he rang the Australian Emergency Medical Helpline.... “Hello, I’m takin’ me Shiela out for a romantic night of camping and she’s just been stung by a hornet on her privates...and it’s all swollen and ...

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Why do Australian women never orgasm from breast play alone?

Because they come from a land down under.

What's the difference between the Australian Brushfires and the Great Fire of Rome?

Nero actually didn't play the lyre as Rome burnt.

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