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Royal Jokes

Boris Johnson and the Queen are riding in the horse-drawn Royal carriage along the Royal Mile...

Suddenly, the horse lets out a long, godalmighty fart, the kind that sounds like it could strip paint.

The Queen, embarrassed, leans to Boris and says "I'm sorry about that".

And Boris replies "That's quite alright, ma'am, I thought it was the horse."

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My small grandson got lost in the shopping mall.... (NSFW-ish)

My small grandson got lost in the shopping mall....

He approached a uniformed security guard and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"

The guard asked, "What's his name?"

"Grandpa"

The guard smiles then asked, "What's he like?"

The boy hesitated for a moment then replies,...

I hope they serve cookies at the Royal Wedding this weekend

Just to show how a touch of brown sugar makes a ginger snap.

Did you hear about the new Ceremony the Royal Palace Guards preform when Prince Harry is in town?

It's called, "The Changing of the Locks".

My friend is such a big fan of the Royal Family, each of his four sons are named after a king.

**Henry**

**George**

**Charles**

**Burger.**

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Royal Union 2

Once upon a time, the royals of two neighbouring kingdoms decided to cement their friendship and their boundaries by marrying one's princess to the other's prince.

The youngsters were introduced to each other and, as luck would have it, they fell in love. The prince's father, however, wanted ...

Let’s play Clue: Royal Edition

I’m guessing Charles, with a pillow, in the bedroom.

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The Royal Newspaper

The King and Queen decided to get pets, so the King issued a decree: "Handsome reward for finest Royal pets."

The Queen immediately falls in love with a white, long haired kitten, bred in a faraway land. After payment, the kitten disappears and the distraught Queen sends the entire staff to l...

The royal calligrapher's apprentice.

In the late 1400s there was a young man named Pablo. He was apprenticed to the royal calligrapher for the king of Spain. One day the royal calligrapher gathered his apprentices for a lesson.

"Any letter penned for his majesty must be penned with Ink made here in Spain! It would be a trav...

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The Queen's breasts

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.


Sid, the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death, should he try to touch them, but he had to try.


One day Sid revealed his secret desire to ...

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Royal Wedding

On the day of the Royal wedding, Sophie was getting dressed, surrounded by all
of her family. She suddenly realised she had forgotten to get any shoes.
Panic!

Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding so she lent them to Sophie for the day. Unfortuna...

Royal Union

In two kingdoms, one had a prince and the other had a princess, they decided to have the prince and the princess and forge a single kingdom.

After the ceremony and the reception, the new couple retired to the princess’ quarters. Her father wanted to know if the new couple were compatible, so...

What was the greatest achievement of the Spanish royal family?

They managed to turn their family tree into a circle

I'm naming my leather bar the Royal Navy

It's got rum, sodomy, and the lash

What's the difference between herpes and news about the British royal family?

It's easier to get rid of herpes.

This just in (Royal funeral update)

The royal family are apparently deciding between a flat headstone or a Phillips headstone. Ok I'll show myself out.

RIP Don Denkinger (for Royals and Cardinals fans)

Please put your hand over your heart for a moment of silence, and then extend both arms out to your sides, palms down.

the weather here is like the Royal family

Minus 1

Royal wedding

Where did Prince Charles spend his honeymoon? Indiana!

(Aye, it's an old one, but the search facility makes me think it's never been made reddit previous, so I post it for the education & betterment of the younguns.)

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A shipwrecked Scotsman is rescued by a Royal Navy destroyer

...he is taken to the sick bay where a beautiful young nurse is waiting.

"Our Captain wanted me to tell that he is from Aberdeen and wants his countryman to be receive the best of care. How long has it been since you had a drink of Whisky?"

"Five long years my dear." The Scotsman rep...

I saw a guy today with soot all over his face carrying a large pick axe and wearing a royal blue hardhat that matched his overalls.

But these are just miner details.

I brought my girlfriend home to meet my family.

They criticized everything she did, mocked her heritage and gave her a psychiatric disorder.

I guess I shouldn't have insisted on the royal treatment.

Why can royals never be crips?

Cause they keep it in the blood

What do they call the Hunger Games in France?

Battle Royale with Cheese.

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My wife came home from Walmart complaining about the cashier being a royal bitch.

I asked her if she was at the self checkout and that Mr Officer is how I got the black eye

Where do royal cats go, after they die?

The Meowsoleum.

Who is the heaviest member of the British royal family?

It's Diana, Princess of Whales.

What do you call a royal smoker

Your Highness.

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In 1946, Sean Connery joined the Royal Navy...

In 1946, Sean Connery joined the Royal Navy. During his time there, he was in charge of a covert operation to spy on a Russian military installation which was directly next to a small lake.

He was in charge of a small team of highly trained soldiers, a few locals recruited to help with the op...

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They are a bunch of royal bitches!

I ran into a man at a pub near Buckingham palace. I watched in amazement, as he pounded down pint after pint, so I decided I would find out more about him.

I sat down next to him, and I offered to buy him the next pint. He agreed, and I took the opportunity to ask him why he was drinking so h...

Old one but, your royal highness:

What do you get if you cross Prince Charles and the Queen?



Killed in a tunnel

Americans are bad at clash royale..

They lost 2 towers already smh.

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Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.


The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.


Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever c...

King Charles has authorised a new Royal Ceremony that the Guards regiments will perform anytime that Prince Harry is in the country.

It will be called "The Changing of the Locks"



(with thanks to Matt, of the Daily Telegraph)

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The Princess Royal is being shown around a military hospital.

As she approaches one of the beds the soldier blushes red and tries to hide under the sheet, but HRH is having none of it, and she asks the RSM showing her round: "What is this man's ailment, sergeant-major?".

"Haemorrhoids, ma'am!" says the RSM crisply. HRH curves a well-mannered eyebrow whi...

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Guy walks into a hotel

A few years back, a feeder tournament for the World Series of Poker has attracted a lot of people to the town where it is being held, and every hotel in town is sold out. A guy without a reservation walks in and asks for a room. The desk clerk tells him “Sorry, but there are no rooms available. Due ...

what do the royal family sing to prince Andrew on his birthday??

Bah bah black sheep.

What do you call a group of royal stoner?

High society!

I don't really follow the Royals but...

My sincere condolences to those who died in the car accident next month.

You know what they say about the French royal family?

It was a good idea on paper but they lost their heads in the execution.

Justin Trudeau walks into a Royal Bank to cash a cheque.

As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning, Ma'am, could you please cash this cheque for me?"
Cashier: "It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?"
Trudeau: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Justin Trudeau, t...

What's the best part in a joke about French royals?

The execution

Naming the new royal baby

Rumours were that Harry and Meghan we going to name the child “Seatbelt”

When questioned about this, Prince Harry responded with “Its what my mum would have wanted”

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The Royal Newspaper

The Queen was overjoyed to receive a new royal pet, a tiny Siamese kitten. But one day, the kitten simply disappeared and servants searching high and low could not find her.

One servant thought he heard a scratching noise behind a small mouse hole in the wall, so the King ordered the hole to...

The Royal Family are going to send Prince Andrew to see what public opinion is like

Just putting the feeler out

Royal Donkey

Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing. He called the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours. The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days.

So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen....

What do the Royal Family and Probability math equations have in common?

They are not important and nobody cares about them.

What is the Tactical Division of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police called?

The Special Horses.

Three moles are in a narrow tunnel heading to the royal bakery

The first one says, "I smell sugar."


The second says, "I smell cinnamon."


The third one says, "I smell molasses."

Royals

Q: What did Queen Isabelle say to an artistic nobleman?
A: "Jacque, paint me like one of your French churls."

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What are the chances that the sister of His Royal Highness Prince Archie of Sussex becomes Queen?

A Lilibet

What type of music can the Royal Family not listen to?

Royalty Free Music

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There are fuckups, there are royal fuckups, and then there was NASA crashing a spaceship because they confused pounds and kilos.

That was an *Imperial* fuckup.

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Three sports fans leave a bar...

(Insert teams A, B and C as you like. This is how I know it.)

Three baseball fans walk out of a bar. They turn a corner and see a pair of legs sticking out from behind a bush. They push the bush aside and find a woman dead and completely naked. They call the police and as they wait, they deci...

There's a depressed king back in the 14th century

And nothing could cheer him up. Eventually the royal advisor hired a new fool to entertain the king. The clown was very funny, and most of the court laughed, but the king merely sighed, and then turned towards his advisor.

"I don't think this worked Henry, but I appreciate the jester."

My mom told me Jesus died on a Royal Caribbean ship, but my priest said he died on a cross.

Was that cruise a fiction?

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Three men go before the Queen to be rewarded for their service.

Three British soldiers gruesomely wounded in Afghanistan meet the Queen, who wishes to reward them for their loyal service.

The first soldier is in a wheelchair. He has very long arms. The Queen takes one look at him and says "Measure this man from fingertip to fingertip and pay him 1,000 po...

I pulled 5 cards blindly and got a royal straight flush

I was soo happy until i realise i was playing blackjack.

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Square testicles

An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Ireland one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.


After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is alwa...

Why are there no wheel chair characters in battle royal games?

Because it's last person standing wins.

Two nuns are cycling down the Royal Mile in Edinburgh....

"One says, "I've never come this way before."

The other says, "Me neither. It must be the cobblestones."

Just heard that Harry is thinking of taking up painting full time after stepping down from the Royal family.

He'll be the artist formerly known as Prince.

An American politician invites an Indian minister to his home.

The AP shows the Indian minister his Rolls Royce.

"Beautiful isn't it?" He asks the minister.

"Hmm, Yes it is"

"Wanna know how I could afford to buy it?"
*the AP points in a direction*
"You see that bridge over there? 5% of its building funds went into my pockets"
<...

the whole Royal Wedding took less time

than 2 astronauts crossing a door

A Royal Dentist Joke

Two peasants are having a chat and one says "Why did the king go to the dentist's?"
The other peasant, confused, says "no I don't, please tell me"
The first peasant then hits him with "to get his teeth crowned!"

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How do you consummate a royal wedding?

By getting royally fucked.

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What is it called when two female members of a royal family have sex?

Princest.

Don't eat royal sausage in Vietnamese noodle soup

Trust me, it's the Pho King Wurst

Royal baby name finally revealed

What sort of name is "finally revealed"?

A pirate captain is about to pillage a Royal Navy ship.

He calls to his aide, "Bring me my red coat!" When the aide asks why, he says, "If I get shot, the men won't see it and will keep on fighting." The aide praises the captain's intelligence and fetches the jacket. Then, as soon as they are about to attack, a lookout yells, "Captain, we just realized t...

So Mehgan's father won't be at the royal wedding...

Neither will Harry's.

I went to see a concert performance by the Royal Bermuda Philharmonic orchestra...

Half way through the first symphony, the triangle player vanished...

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The new Royal Baby has already done three of the things on my bucket list/

1. Become a billionaire
2. Meet the Queen
3. Suck Meghan's tits

McCheese with Royale sauce

"And ummmm, some curly fries with that."

"Sir this is McDonald's, our fries are all straight."

"Oh. Well then just a ummmmmm quesadilla then."

"Sir, this is still McDonald's. We don't serve quesadillas."

"Ahhhhh, ummmm, can I get a McCheese with Royale sauce?"

"....

The only experience I have with royals

Is going through a burger king drive through.

What do you call a Russian royal who calms down people?

A tranquiliczar.

I slept through the royal wedding

But it was on a King-Size bed, so I feel like my respects were paid.

The British Royals are having tea

Queen Elizabeth says "Philip, I think you should see a doctor. I fear you have a touch of dementia."

"ME? *You're* the one who thinks she's the bloody Queen of England!"

I've never seen a royal flush.

Then again, I've never been in the Queen's bathroom.

Harry and Meghan announced that they were stepping away from the royal family to focus on their work...

This is the first time someone is quitting their family to spend more time with their job

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The Royal we.

Queen Elizabeth and princess Kate are out motoring through the hillside when the Bentley they're driving breaks down. The driver has to go look for help, and while he's gone some ruffians come across the disabled royalty.
"Ain't you the queen?"
She confirms she is.
"Where's your tiara?"...

What are the similarities between the royal family and yeast?

There both inbred.

A Saudi Prince wants to buy a bull, so he goes to see a famous Russian bovine breeder.

The Russian tells him "I have many good animal. Here is Swedish bull, is born black color, but color turns white when grows.”

"Over there is American bull. Color when born is red, but become dark brown when full grown.”

"And here, Turkish bull. They is born dark brown, but grow up to b...

The Royal Navy had the greatest public image, back in the day...

And why wouldn't they? After all, they impressed every sailor they ever met, and kept 'em in shipshape.

Manufacturing of the first coin to enter circulation carrying the image of King Charles is underway at the Royal Mint. As is tradition, Charles faces left on the new 50p

As when it comes to things involving her children, the Queen always looked the other way.

So a German, an Englishman and an Irishman

were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when they were arrested by Saudi police. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to app...

Rihanna is now a fan of the Kansas City Royals.

They don't beat anyone.

What do you call a royal pig that is falling asleep?

Prince Nodding Ham

It's a well known fact that humorists are more intelligent than the run of the mill average joe on the street. It's also a well known fact that it's not always a good idea to flaunt those extra smarts.

One day, the royal court was lounging around in a bored state. Without thinking, the jester suddenly voiced an opinion, "You know, there are times when the apology for an offense is worse than the original action."

The king immediately glowers and says, "If you can't prove that, Jester, I thi...

I've written a joke about Royal Mail.

This should have been posted a long time ago.

I want to improve this whole Battle Royale craze

I want it to be Battle Royale with cheese

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An American was invited to a Royal dinner in England

He was placed to the left of a very old, very fat Grand Duchess, with an elderly English Baron sat on her right. During the soup course, the Duchess farted. The Englishman, taking chivalrous responsibility, said "I beg your pardon."

During the fish course, the Duchess farted again, louder tha...

In Russia they don't use a 'royal we'...

Instead, they use a Bourgeois-we

Why does the Norway Navy have bar codes on the side of their ships?

So when they come back to port they can Scandinavian!

Edit: whoops I meant Norwegian Navy

Edit 2: Thanks to commenters I have links to other people who have posted this joke! I haven’t been around very long so I didn’t know, go give them an upvote as well if you’d like!

2015:...

So I heard the royal baby was 8 pounds.

That's awfully cheap for a human baby.

What happens when the King leaves the toilet?

A Royal Flush.

There is going to be a battle royal between religious leaders

I would put $20 on the Dalai Lama if I were a Tibetan man.

If Lil Wayne was a Royal What would he be doing on the weekends?

I don't know, but I'm sure it would involve Wayneking.

Nobody tells the British Royal Navy what to do... Except the Irish.

This is the transcript of the "actual" radio conversation between the British and the Irish, off the coast of Kerry, October 98. Radio conversation released by the chief of Naval operations, 10-10-98:

IRISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a collision.

BRIT...

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hey guys isn't a royal flush when you take a dump in a castle?

sorry for the shitty joke

They've just announced the birth of the royal baby and the name is 'yet to be decided'.

Unconventional and certainly the most original royal name yet.

What do you get when you cross a talented basketball player, and an untrustworthy royal vizier?

Kareem Abdul-Jafar; although these days I hear he's a magical genie who dabbles in writing Sherlock Holmes novels.

I worked out how long the Battle Royale trend is going to last

A fortnight.

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There were a couple of strange items at the estate sale of a eccentric collector. One was a couple of Dolly Parton's used bras, the other King Edwards used Enema...

The appraiser was surprised that they sold at all, especially the used enema, as it still had fecal matter on it. What surprised him most is that the enema actually sold for more money than the bras. The auctioneer wasn't surprised at all because he plays poker and knows that a royal flush always ...

A husband, wife, and son arrive at the entrance to an English royal palace for an evening dinner...

Before each guest enters the palace, a butler formally introduces each family to the guests with an announcement. As the family approaches the butler at the entrance, the butler asks:

Butler: “And your family name, sir?”

Husband: “Bates”

The butler opens the door and with loud ...

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