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Sweden Jokes

Finnish jokes poking fun at Sweden, translated to English (not 100% greatest translation)

-Swedish is an easy language to learn. For example, sit horse is sit ruuna (sitruuna = lemon)

-how do you recognize a Swede?

He pushes a pull door

-What is the difference between a chicken and a Swede?

-Chicken only lays eggs/fails (same word in Finnish) once a day
...

The CEO of IKEA was just elected president in Sweden.

He should have his cabinet together by the end of the week.

What do you call immigrants to Sweden?

Artificial Swedeners

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just read that by law you have to turn your headlights on when it’s raining in Sweden

How the fuck am I meant to know when it’s raining in Sweden?

What happens if a Danish blonde moves to Sweden?

The average intelligence of both countries goes up.

I recently ran an ultra marathon in northern Sweden...

I realised that I had gone way off course as soon as I crossed the Finnish line.

Did you know waffles are called vĂĽfflor in Sweden

Sweet dish language is intresting

how do you get from sweden to russia?

you cross the finnish line

What is the best part about living in Sweden

Well, the flag is a big plus.

Stands, tables, meatballs, sofas and Sweden

It's an IKEA joke...some assembly required

My friend refuses to leave Sweden. She said Sweden is actually nice and deserves sympathy.

I think she's developed Stockholm Syndrome

I'm thinking about opening up a Swedish restaurant but my chef isn't actually Swedish

Do you think anyone will notice I'm using an artificial Swedener on my food?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man from stockholm decieds to move away from the grinde of the big city and buys a house in northern sweden out in the middel of nowhere

After having bougth his house and get settled a local comes to his house and greats him
"Hi! im your closest neighbour and i wanna invite you to a welcoming party!"
The stockholmer is pleasnetly supprised and agrees
"Alrigth! ill see you tomorrow! but just so you know thiere is gonna ...

What would happen if Sweden invaded the country to the East of them?

They would cross the Finnish line.

A Trans-Nordic race was planned to pass through Norway, Sweden, and Finland, ending at the Russian border.

But everyone stopped at the Finnish line instead.

A car dealership in Sweden began selling glasses as a secondary front.

They’re calling it “Eye-Kia”.

Some people think it’s soooo fine, that a Sweden - Denmark soccermatch gets abbreviated as SWEDEN

But the abbrevition for Finland - Estonia is FINEST!

My government is spreading obviously false covid-19 info about x-mas parties

Here in Sweden the government lies and says that we can have Christmas gatherings of up to 8 people without any problems. Such obvious bull! Who knows 8 people without any problems?

In sweden we have what is called Bellman jokes

Disclaimer: Carl Michael Bellman was a swedish author, singer, composer etc. For no particular reason swedes tell jokes about him. Usually involving him and two other guys from different nationalities. Bellman usually wins out in the end somehow.

On to the joke

There was once a Ge...

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A professor told dirty jokes in class

the women wanted to protest it. So they decided that in the next time that the professor will start with these kind of jokes they all will leave the class as a protest.

Somehow the professor heard about the plan.

In the next lecture, in the beginning of the lecture he said: "In Swede...

The white-throated dipper is the national bird of Norway, the mute swan is Denmark's, and the blackbird is Sweden's,

these are the Scandinavians.

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The leader of China is growing restless so he tries to find a country that wants to fight his army, so he called Sweden...

The leader of china calls Obama and says: "Hey man, we havn't had a good fight in a while, how about we see who has the best army?"
To which Obama said: "Look pal, you know me, we never say no to a big show down but we have so much on our plate right now. The election, the syrian crysis, superbow...

What do you call a person who lives in Sweden but isn't native?

An artificial swedener

Badum tss.

Sweden runs out of trash to recycle...

... Where's PewDiePie when you need him.

So there was a marathon in Sweden...

...that went all the way to the eastern border. I guess you could say the race ended at the Finnish line.

Did you hear about the time Snoop Dogg moved to Sweden and learned the local language?

He spoke swede every day.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young ventriloquist is touring Sweden and puts on a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Swedish blonde women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s men like y...

Did you hear about the bike race that goes all the way across Norway and Sweden?

It ends at the Finnish line.

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At a local college dance, a guy from America asks a girl from Sweden to dance....

While they are dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, “In America,

we call this a hug.”

She replies, “Yaah, in Sveden we call it a hug too.”

A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, “In America, we call

this a kiss.”

She replies, “Yaah...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend was dating two blonde haired, blue eyed twins from Sweden, but he couldn’t tell the difference between them.

He finally worked out that Anna has a little freckle on her right butt cheek, and Bjorn has a moustache.

I am a type of fish that becomes SO loud in Sweden. Who am I?

Yellyfish.

Why do Denmark, Norway, and Sweden put bar codes on the sides of their military ships?

So when they come in to port, they can just Scandinavian.

Why can't Sweden win a race?

Because, it always sits right behind the Finnish line

TIL that Swedish Fish are actually shaped like Sweden, not fish.

Yeah, it turns out the fish part is a red herring.

I went to Sweden to look for some Oxo Cubes.

I hear they have a really good shop there called "Stockhome".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

20-Year double-blind university study in Sweden on the effects of diet on sex drive

Have you heard about this new study?

Researchers in Sweden tracked 2,000 couples from the moment they first started dating out to twenty (20) years forward.

Obviously, most of the couples ended up getting divorced, but their behavior and health was still tracked throughout the study....

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Charles XII of Sweden, Darius of Persia and Napoleon are sitting at a bar.

Charles XII of Sweden, Darius of Persia and Napoleon are sitting at a bar, watching a military parade on CNN.
Impressed by modern technology Charles XII says - "Man, if i had mechanised infratry like that I'd have kicked ass at the Poltava battle."

Darius replies - "And if i had artille...

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I invited my two friends over for a party as I was trying to Sweden my sex life, but my wife said "Norway!"

So Dan, Mark and I had our 3-way as usual.

Noted archeologist Fred Flintstein made an amazing discovery today in Sweden

He found remains of some primitive musical instrument and a small deposit of fossilized excrement. when asked about what they signified,

Fred Flintstein replied: "A dab o' ABBA doo."

Apparently, In Sweden parents aren't allowed to spank their kids.

Like that would bother me, I don't do foreplay.

People in Sweden keep telling me how great it is living there...

But I think it's just Stockholm Syndrome.

An Australian is aboard the wrong airplane

The flight attendant approaches them and says “I’m so sorry. I’m not sure how this mix-up happened but this plane is arriving in an entirely different country than your intended destination.”

The Australian says “No way.”

The flight attendant replies “Sweden, actually.”

In Sweden paternity leave is a big thing. And it is very challenging, almost every father loses 23lb in the first few weeks.

They have no idea where the baby is.

I've been living in Sweden for a long time and it's been quite comfortable…

…but then it might just be Stockholm syndrome.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I managed to tell this joke to my gf during sex

(FYI: In Sweden we tell jokes about Norwegian people being stupid)

 

me: Wanna hear a joke?
gf: Wtf, now? sure...
me: What does the Norwegian man do before he comes?
gf: No idea..
me: He knocks on the door
gf: *giggles while facepalming*

&nb...

A man was walking through a park

He stopped by a flock of seagulls sitting on the grass verge next to a pond trying to snap up some worms from the mud. One of the seagulls drops a worm and shouts "oh for god sake".

The man is intrigued that it can talk so he goes and asks it where it's from. "I'm from around London but I tr...

I long time ago in the faraway of land of Sweden, there lived a man who dreamt his entire life of becoming a train conductor...

So he studied hard, and with great joy he achieved his goal, working happily for many years. But in time, he began to feel hollow, empty, unfulfilled, and so he thought long and hard, and a dark, primal anger welled up inside him. He decided to take drastic action, and set the trains to crash. The f...

If your business doesn’t take off in The Netherlands…

Perhaps you should try to Sweden the deal.

What do you call IKEA furniture you put in coffee?

Artificial swedener

[My wife translated his joke for me from arabic]

A woman's husband had to go to a hospital in Sweden for his advanced sickness and the woman goes to her friend for comfort. She says to her friend, "I know he is sick, but he has been so sweet...he's been asking for pictures of me everyday". The friend then says, "that's surprising because I heard ...

Although relations between the two countries have improved over the years, there's still a lot of bad blood between Finland and Norway.

It's called Sweden.

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