What do you call someone who immigrates to Sweden?

An artifical swedener

What happens when a swede born in Norway moves to sweden?

The avrage IQ of both countries go up.

Noted archeologist Fred Flintstein made an amazing discovery today in Sweden

He found remains of some primitive musical instrument and a small deposit of fossilized excrement. when asked about what they signified,

Fred Flintstein replied: "A dab o' ABBA doo."

By law, you are required to turn on your headlights if it is raining in Sweden.

How the hell am I supposed to know if its raining in Sweden?

I’d like to go to Sweden

But I can’t a-fjord it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I invited my two friends over for a party as I was trying to Sweden my sex life, but my wife said "Norway!"

So Dan, Mark and I had our 3-way as usual.

Did you hear about the time Snoop Dogg moved to Sweden and learned the local language?

He spoke swede every day.

What happens if a Danish blonde moves to Sweden?

The average intelligence of both countries goes up.

What do you call a person who lives in Sweden but isn't native?

An artificial swedener

Badum tss.

What is the best part about living in Sweden

Well, the flag is a big plus.

When does a race through Norway and Sweden end?

When you cross the Finnish line.

A man goes to heaven, and to his surprise, he sees a huge wall covered in clocks.

A man goes to heaven, and after walking through the gates, he gets escorted to a waiting room. In the room, he sees a huge wall, covered in clocks. Each clock has only one hand, and each hand has a name written on it. Some clocks are moving rather slowly, while others go a full circle in less than t...

Just watching the Germany Sweden game and there’s a Swedish player called lustig

that’s funny.

A professor told dirty jokes in class

the women wanted to protest it. So they decided that in the next time that the professor will start with these kind of jokes they all will leave the class as a protest.

Somehow the professor heard about the plan.

In the next lecture, in the beginning of the lecture he said: "In Swede...

Sweden runs out of trash to recycle...

... Where's PewDiePie when you need him.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

At a local college there was a dance. A guy from America asked a girl from Sweden to dance.

While they were dancing he gives her a little squeeze and says, “In America we call this a hug.”


She says, “Yaah, in Sweden, we call it a hug too.”
A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek and says, “In America we call this a kiss.”


She says, “Yaah, in Sweden we call...

TIL that Swedish Fish are actually shaped like Sweden, not fish.

Yeah, it turns out the fish part is a red herring.

I've been living in Sweden for a long time and it's been quite comfortable…

…but then it might just be Stockholm syndrome.

I long time ago in the faraway of land of Sweden, there lived a man who dreamt his entire life of becoming a train conductor...

So he studied hard, and with great joy he achieved his goal, working happily for many years. But in time, he began to feel hollow, empty, unfulfilled, and so he thought long and hard, and a dark, primal anger welled up inside him. He decided to take drastic action, and set the trains to crash. The f...

Did you hear about the bike race that goes all the way across Norway and Sweden?

It ends at the Finnish line.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The leader of China is growing restless so he tries to find a country that wants to fight his army, so he called Sweden...

The leader of china calls Obama and says: "Hey man, we havn't had a good fight in a while, how about we see who has the best army?"
To which Obama said: "Look pal, you know me, we never say no to a big show down but we have so much on our plate right now. The election, the syrian crysis, superbow...

What's the best thing about Sweden?

I can't pick, but their flag is a huge plus.

Why can't Sweden win a race?

Because, it always sits right behind the Finnish line

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Charles XII of Sweden, Darius of Persia and Napoleon are sitting at a bar.

Charles XII of Sweden, Darius of Persia and Napoleon are sitting at a bar, watching a military parade on CNN.
Impressed by modern technology Charles XII says - "Man, if i had mechanised infratry like that I'd have kicked ass at the Poltava battle."

Darius replies - "And if i had artille...

I went to Sweden to look for some Oxo Cubes.

I hear they have a really good shop there called "Stockhome".

Swedish superstition

An American woman is married to a Swedish guy. Their marriage is otherwise happy but (i) they are both in Reddit and (ii) she has noticed that every now and then he seems to disappear in the middle of the night and come back with a strange smell about him.
Then one night she's not quite asleep ye...

In Sweden paternity leave is a big thing. And it is very challenging, almost every father loses 23lb in the first few weeks.

They have no idea where the baby is.

I decided to go vegan after visiting the meat production factory.

The livestock conditions were appalling.
The process involving production of Meatballs and Salami was bad.
But wait till you see the one of German sausage. It was the wurst.

Edit : Sweden has already decided to bring in regulations. I'd say they are ahead of the korv.

People in Sweden keep telling me how great it is living there...

But I think it's just Stockholm Syndrome.

Why do people traveling east out of Sweden get a metal?

Because they're crossing the Finnish line.

Only Scandinavian Joke they will laugh at

What’s the difference between Norway and Sweden?



Sweden has a nice neighbor.

Reintroducing "All the children" jokes

This is a blatant repost because a year ago, I had a day full of laughs because of this thread, so I would like to give credit to /u/joschon for blessing us all with this a year ago.


Here in Sweden, there's a classic joke cycle called "All the children-jokes". They're kind of like limeric...

If you can't become a citizen of Scandinavia through the naturalization process, what could you do?

You use artificial Sweden-er!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Football Fever

My mate has two tickets for the England vs Sweden game on Saturday. He didn't realise that it's going to be on the same day as his wedding, so he can't go. If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at St. Andrew's Church in Cambridge and her name is Sarah

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Can you help out my friend?

A friend of mine has two tickets for the England v. Sweden football match this Saturday. He has already paid £800 for flights and accommodation. However, he was devastated the other day when he realised it clashes with his wedding and he won't be able to attend after all.

Would anyone be in...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A 20 year old man visited his 100 year old grandmother

The 20 year old asked what was her secret to living so long.
His grandmother replied, "I will tell you if you do one thing for me, tell me how grains of sand on every beach in the entire world!"
The 20 year old planning to travel the world took this challenge and set off counting every grain ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

..Trump said "Buy american, Hire american"

Standing on an Ikea podium from *Sweden*, behind bullet proof by Saint Gobain Glass from *France*, smiling at a 4K Sony *Japanese* Video camera, speaking into a Dolby Sennheiser *German* microphone, with vigorous hand gestures giving a glimpse of a Rolex under the cuff made in *Switzerland*
...

A German Man, A Swedish Man, and an Israeli Man Are Kidnapped by ISIS

“Listen up infidels,” says the ISIS member, you have on last with before I kill you.”

The German pleads for mercy, “Germany has always embraced your people, what have I done to deserve this ?” After no answer, he deicdes he wants sausage and a good beer.

Next, the Swedish man screams a...

Why do Icelandic ships have barcodes?

The striking dock workers complained there is Norway they can go to a ship with a clipboard, Denmark it as arrived and Finnish the whole business before sunset. New tech helped Sweden the deal.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I managed to tell this joke to my gf during sex

(FYI: In Sweden we tell jokes about Norwegian people being stupid)

 

me: Wanna hear a joke?
gf: Wtf, now? sure...
me: What does the Norwegian man do before he comes?
gf: No idea..
me: He knocks on the door
gf: *giggles while facepalming*

&nb...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

All the Children

EDIT: found the original post - turns out it got 9K upvotes and 2 gold... forgive me for being an accidental karma whore ;)

EDIT2: original poster: u/joschon

Let me introduce you to All The Children jokes - bear in mind this is a sort of repost as I saw this a while back (months) and t...

The hare and the tortoise

The hare and the tortoise were having a rematch. This time, they decided to race through Europe, starting with London. The plan was to race to Dover, get the ferry across, and go along the French coast, across Belgium, Germany, and head north through Denmark.

The hare figured that his fur wo...

The ice fishing contest

An ice fishing contest is held between Norway and Sweden. The teams from each country get up early and set up their gear at opposite sides of a lake.

After about half an hour, the Norwegians haul up their first fish. The Swedes can hear them cheer from across the lake. Then another one bites...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Last summer, I traveled to europe for a 2 week vacation..

On the last night, I decided to go to a club for some action. As I approached the entrance, there was nothing more amazing i'd seen in those last 2 weeks than the bouncer. He was buffed up at least 4 inches taller than me, had long hair, a braided beard, hell he looked like a viking. Surprisingly, h...

Donald Trump is said to have lack of foreign policy experience to be president, but in fairness, he has spent time meeting with foreign leaders around the world.

Ms. Sweden, Ms. Argentina...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

You have two cows..

USA: You have two cows. You outsource a farm to milk them and sell the milk to those who can afford it. You then use the profit to buy someone else's cow for your butcher to make steak with.

Russia: You have two cows. When you get sober you remember that the mafia took them away from you, so ...

Three men were married to girls from different parts of the world.

The first man married a girl from Sweden. He told her that she must do the housework. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see the house clean.

The second man married a girl from Thailand. He told her that she must do the housework and have his dinner fixed promptly...

How do you sink a norwegian submarine?

Swim down and knock on the hatch.

(In Sweden we have a running tradition of telling jokes about stupid norwegians. They do the same about swedes)

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Zlatan Facts

1. When Zlatan crosses the street, cars look both ways.

2. Zlatan doesn't have hair on his testicles because hair can't grow on steel

3. You can't use 'Zlatan' as your password because it is 'too strong'.

4. Zlatan wakes up his alarm clock every morning.

5. Ghosts sit...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Ceasefire broken!

Once upon a time Sweden and Norway was at war, The war was getting pretty bad for both sides so they decided to have a ceasefire.

At the front line there were 2 watchtowers, 1 on each side of the border and there was one Norwegian and one Swedish solider on watch out duty on each side of th...

Why did the chicken cross the road?

A suspected terror attack occurred last night in Stockholm (Sweden) involving a deranged avian described by eye-witnesses as a chicken. It has been reported that it was merely attempting to get to the other side.

One day some fisherman caught tons of fish called tench...

One day some fisherman caught tons of fish called tench. The fisherman couldn't eat them all so they gave them to the Mayor of the town. The Mayor wasn't sure what to do with them, so he had an idea; he would have a fish-eating competition.

After several rounds, two finalists emerged: Mr. Hic...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Food and Country

Yesterday I was so Hungary, I decided to Czech if there was any food.
I was Russian to the fridge, but found only a Turkey full of Greece.
Iran to the store to get some salt, pepper, Chile and Korea-nder, because I was in the mood for some Sweden sour.
I found Iraq of pork chops but there w...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man gets into a fight with his wife. (Put together terribly)

They live right on the coast of California, the man gets kicked out of his house by his wife so he goes for a walk along the beach. The man suddenly stops when he hears this loud booming voice.

Terry(Thats his name from now on) I see you have gotten into quite the fight with your wife, its tr...

There have been few historical examples of wars with three opposing sides.

One such example occurred in the 11th century, with the three belligerents being the French, the English (Anglos) and the Vikings. The rivalry between each group was quite intense, and unlike other situations, the two weaker groups at the time did not join together to fight the strongest. Instead, t...