UPJOKE
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How can you tell the difference between an Indian and African elephant?

One of them is an elephant

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So there's this guy that moved into an African village...

He finds the locals aren’t accepting him because he hasn’t passed the initiation ceremony.

To be accepted, he has to drink three jugs of the local booze, have sex with the first woman he finds and then kill a lion with his bare hands.

He drinks the three jugs, gets obliterated and stu...

For years I was adopting this little African girl.

Until I saw this ad on TV, and I learned that for the cost of adopting her, I could buy a cup of coffee. Every day.

Why do East Africans never finish their alphabet soup?

Because they only eat e o p a

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So…

An Afghan, an Albanian, and Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguan, an Argintine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, ...

You think you can donate to an African country?

Well Kenya?

Africans arrested in Saudi Arabia

A Togolese, Nigerian and a Ghanaian were arrested for drinking alcohol in Saudi Arabia.


The three of them were dragged in front of one of the princes, who said:


“You will get 50 lashes for the consumption of alcohol. However, since you are foreigners and did not know about the ...

An African man visits his friend in the US

“I just flew in yesterday” the African man says “And boy are my arms tired!”

“You know, that’s kind of an old joke here in America” replied his friend.

“Joke?” The African man said. “I’ve been holding my hands in the air yelling ‘don’t shoot’ ever since I got to this damn country”.

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An African, an American and an Asian guy get captured by tribals in a jungle.

The tribal chief tells them, “We will only let you go alive if the combined length of your penises adds up to 20 inches.”

The African steps up to the plate, whips out his genitalia and comes out at an impressive 14 inches.

The American goes next. He unzips his pants, sticks it out and...

Mexican and African jokes are all pretty much the same....

Once you’ve heard Juan, you’ve heard Jamal...

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Richard Attenborough showed me a selection of photos of small African antelope penises.

It was Dick's dik-dik dick pic picks.

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A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his:

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out. "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said. "Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him and sh...

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a joke we tell in Ukraine

A russian, a Ukrainian and an African American guys are sitting in the waiting room while their wives give birth.


The nurse comes out with 3 babies and says "sorry guys, they've got mixed up..let's see whose is whose".
The Ukrainian takes a black kid and runs.
They yell "hold on dud...

The US Marines, Delta Force and the Harris County Sheriff's Department are on one of those team building weekends out in the woods.

The US Marines, Delta Force and the Harris County Sheriff's Department are on one of those team building weekends out in the woods.

First night and the instructor says "Right guys. First night out in the woods! Your first test is to go catch your dinner. I want each team to go out and catch a...

An Australian rugby fan, a South African rugby fan and a New Zealand rugby fan are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze...

...when Saudi police rush in and arrest them.


The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for consuming the booze they are all sentenced to death. However, after many months and with the help of good lawyers, they are able successfully to appeal their sentence...

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A man is seated in 1st class with an open seat next to him.

Anxiously awaiting departure he can't believe his luck when a stunningly beautiful blonde approaches. As she sits down next to him he silently vows to abstain from hitting on her. It's doubtless she's had that happen to her frequently. She settles in and they're off and heading for San Francisco i...

What do you call an Hispanic, an Asian, and an African American who walk into a bar?

By their names you racist pricks!!

I told a bunch of Africans a joke about food yesterday but nobody was laughing

I guess they just don't get it

A catholic missionary is baptizing people in a river near an African village.

He pushes Mutombo under water and raises him again. Then he tells him:
"You are now Christian, and so you are no longer called Mutombo, you are now Joseph.
Oh and one more thing. Since you are Christian, you are no longer allowed to eat meat on fridays. "

The next friday, the priest...

Why did the African band win the battle of the bands?

They were Moroccan

Just after WWII begins the commander of one of African garrisons recieves a telegram:

''The war is declared, immidiately find and arrest all enemies in your area.''

After some time he sends a performance report:

''The order was executed. 4 Germans, 2 French, 1 Belgian, 3 Americans were arrested. Please, immidiately report who are we at war with.''

African Grey Parrots are famously intelligent, but studies have shown that they consistently lose chess matches against ravens, jackdaws, and other corvids.

Said one researcher, "They just have trouble weighing the crows and pawns."

Don't date African cats

A lot of them are cheetahs and the ones who say they aren't are lion.

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Politically Correct joke

It's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority so:

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Gurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Dutch, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Chinese, a Jap, a Pakistani, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Portugese, a Rus...

Who's the richest African-American?

Elon Musk

In an African tribe village, the chieftain's wife gave birth to a white skinned child.

The chieftain quickly figured the voluntary doctor from Europe might be to blame. So the chieftain asked him to talk in his tent.

Chieftain: "Today my wife gave birth to a white child. She and I are dark skinned. You are white. It doesn't take a doctor to figure out that you have slept with ...

I met a North African girl the other night, we spoke for hours.

We just clicked.

If you're American in the kitchen and African in the bedroom, what are you in the bathroom?

European.

Two parents are dragging their 15 year old son to a lion safari.

"Mom, Dad, why do I have to go? I'm 15 and we're going to a frickin lion safari????"

"Son, it's pronounced 'African' Lion Safari."

My uncle bought a piano from Nigeria.

So he brings it home and hires a guy to come tune it. The piano tuner struggles with it and after five minutes says, “Lemme guess... West African piano?”

“Yeah, how did you know?” my uncle responds.

“Well, West African pianos are notoriously hard to tune,” he says, “not like North Afri...

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An elderly couple were watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long.

When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the Af...

So a African king calls all the men from his kingdom

And he says who ever can cross this river will take my daughters hand in marriage. The river had piranhas,crocodiles, and snakes in it. The men looked at each other and the king says do none of you want to marry my daughter?

Does no-one want to be rich and be the next king? All of a sudden t...

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An interesting story

There once was a King of a tribe in Africa. He lived in a huge, round house made of grass, typical of all the others in the village, except that his was the largest. By day he sat on the stump of a tree, which had been brought into his hut, and covered with animal skins. Everyone else sat on the flo...

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A white guy, an African American, an Arab and a Mexican walk into a bar......

...and they all sit there and drink and have a nice time like good friends. What did you expect you fuckin racist?

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An Englishman, an African and an American decide they want to jump off of a building.

They climb up one. The Englishman looks down and says: "It's too high, I won't jump.", the African says: "Vool, vool, not jump.". The American jumps without thinking, nearly kills himself and yells: "My ass wool, concrete!"

(I tried to translate this from Czech as best as I could)

I recently adopted an African child. He, was just 7 pounds!

Plus shipping, of course.

Mr Trump was invited to visit a poor African country.

A soccer match was arranged between two local teams in honour of Trump's visit. During the match, the Prime Minister of the country explained about the poverty his country was facing. Trump listened intently and said

"Mr PM, I've seen enough and I fully understand the extent of the poverty yo...

So an African pastor is heading to his church Sunday morning

So as he's walking through the jungle he hears growling. He turns around and sees a lion. He starts running and running until he gives up and gets on his knees and starts praying: God please dont let this lion eat me.

The pastor stops praying because he couldn't hear the lion anymore. He tur...

I cant recollect names of any African countries..

Kenya?

What do you call it when robots organize an African themed party?

BotsWanna Party

An African Lumberjack

An African lumberjack is interviewing for a job at a major logging company. The foreman decides to take a practical route and hands the lumberjack an axe.

"Take a couple swings at that tree over there." The foreman said.

The lumberjack walks over to the tree and fells it in a single ch...

What does an African Child and a COVID patient have in common?

They both don't taste food

Why did the African 3 year old cry?

He was having a mid life crisis

A Canadian, a Swiss, a German, a Mexican, a American, a Korean, a Austrian, a Brazilian, a Estonian, a Filipino, a British, a Egyptian, a Icelander, a Jamaican, a South African, a Puerto Rican, a Chinese, a Latvian, a Moroccan, a Taiwanese, a Spaniard, and a Romanian walk into a fancy restaurant.

The waiter stops them and says “Sorry, you can’t come in here without a Thai.”

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There is this African-American kid that goes to school and notices that the teachers treat the white kids better than the kids of color.

So he goes home and paints himself white and shows his dad. "Hey dad look im white!"

His dad kicks his ass, and says "Alright go show your mother."

The kid goes "Hey mom look im white!"

His mom beats the shit out of him then tells him to go show his grandma.

The kid aga...

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A detachment of US Marines are conducting jungle warfare training in the Congo, and one night around the campfire, the Congolese troops they're training with tell the Marines the tale of a cave in the middle of the jungle, filled with golden treasure but guarded by a fearsome monster.

According to the local soldiers, the cave is filled with the treasures of an ancient African king, but a sorcerer used his arcane powers to create an unholy creature to guard it. She was formed from a mix of human, gorilla, chimpanzee, and baboon, and stands seven feet tall, enormously strong. She h...

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A classic South African van der Merwe joke

Jan van de Merwe is a South African farmer and he really wants a shiny new tractor but he can't afford it! So he makes a plan: he is going to win the lottery and use the money to buy a new tractor. He is also a religious man, so every night before going to sleep he kneels by his bed and prays:
...

Why did the neurologist go to an African animal university?

He wanted to study the hippocampus.

A white scientist is studying a tribe in Africa

A white scientist is studying an African tribe.

One day, the tribe leaders wife has a white son.

The tribe leader approaches the scientist soon after.

"Well, we both know what happened here. No one else could have done it. You slept with my wife, I have to kill you." The tribe l...

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Three surgeons were siting around discussing who had the best paying operation.

First surgeon says he transplanted a West African penis onto a Japanese man for 10k.

Second surgeon says that's nothing... I once transplanted the tongue of a poodle into a French man for 100k.

Third surgeon say I would have beaten that by transplanting tits onto the back of a sailor.....

I once fell into an African river but refused to accept it

I was in denial

Some African animals playing cards in Las Vegas.

Lion: Stop taking extremely quick glances at my card, you're a cheetah!

Cheetah: No, your Lion!

Warthog: You guys are just ignoring the guy with the super long nose who can suck up cards while nobody notices.

Elephant: Well I wouldn't be so hungry for cards if you weren't HOGGIN...

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A man, getting along in years, finds that he is unable to perform sexually

He goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work.



Finally, as a last hope, the doctor refers him to an African medicine man.



The medicine man says, "I can cure this, but you can use this powerful healing only once a year! All you have to do is say...

White priest goes and lives with an African tribe. He spends his days teaching the way of the lord.

After several years, a village woman gives birth to a white baby. The Chief is not happy with this. When he confronts the priest, the priest tries to explain these things happen in nature. With the chief not understanding, the priest tries to explain further.

"Ok chief. See that flock of shee...

Can you tell me the name of an African country?

I don't know... Can ya?

Yeah, that's one

In which South African city was Batman originally from?

Capetown

What African country is the most eco-friendly?

A Hint: The one who's always Mad At Gas Cars

3 women board a plane for the 1st time an Asian a Caucasian and a african american.

3 women board a plane for the 1st time an Asian a Caucasian and a african american.
The Asian annouces "im scared but i wore fluro underwear so if we crash they can see me" the Caucasian says "i wore my stars and stripes bikini as underwear so i can be noticed and picked up 1st". The African Ame...

A USA politician gets a letter from Africa...

It's from some other African politician asking for money in exchange for not telling on his corruption scheme.

His assistant asks: What is this, sir?

He looks at her with a worried face and responds: black mail.

African Safari

A young couple went on a safari to Africa, accompanied by the woman's mother.

On the second day, they got separated from their party and found themselves in a remote part of the jungle. Suddenly, a lion jumped out of the undergrowth and stood growling ferociously in front of the mother-in-law...

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A man is interrogated by a cop after witnessing a robbery

When the cop asks him what happened he says:

*"A truck stopped right in front of the jewellery store, the back of the truck opens and comes out a big elephant. The elephant walked right through the windows of the store and proceeded to steal everything it could. It then walked back in the tru...

An African American woman named Bethany goes to the butchers to see if they have any beef.

"No, black Betty. Ham or lamb"

What's a North Africans favourite genre of music?

Morrocan Roll

Hillary Clinton lost last time to the first African American president, Barack Obama. Why will she lose this one to Donald Trump?

Because orange is the new black.

Robert Mugabe, an unpopular dictator from an African nation, visited Israel with his top government officials.

Unfortunately, he died during the visit. The Israelis offered to bury him in Israel for free, explaining that it will save money that can be used to help the poor people of his country. His entourage discussed the proposition and declined the offer saying that they'd rather bring back the remains of...

The South-African, Chinese and American are all on a new experimental long distance plane together

The South-African, American and the Chinese president are all on a plane

Eventually they get tired of talking business and decide to open up a couple of beers and soon get drunk, somehow they find a way to open one of the windows of the plane and take turns sticking their hand out the window....

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An african zoologist moves to Rural Alabama. One day, a farmer knocks on the door, behind him is his wife, holding a black baby...

Immediatly, the farmer grabs the zoologist by his collar and yells "Now you see here! See that kid over there! I've got Nine kids and they aaall white. And alla' sudden, this one comes out black! And you the only black man in a 300 mile radius, mind explaining that one to me?"

The zoologist r...

How did the African island compete with Tesla?

Madagascar.

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The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes on a sight-seeing tour with a very rich African king who was a very important client.

The client, out of the blue, suddenly asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her, ...don't reject the guy outright.

So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her. After a few minut...

[NSFW] The average length is 2 to 3 inches, while the African species can grow to over 11 inches.

Porcupine quills really are fascinating

Once, in an African village,

a native man walked up to a missionary with a look of fury on his face. "My wife gave birth today," the native growled, "and the baby is white! And you're the only white person within 100 miles of here! "
The missionary glanced around guiltily for a moment but quickly regained his composure. "Loo...

How do you offend an African-American and Chinese person?

Make a joke about brack people.

Have you heard about the South African man who went to Greece and would only eat cheese?

He got Feta and Feta and Feta.

A teacher asked an African student to use the word dandelion in a sentence.

The student says:

The cheetah is faster dandelion.

A Chinese bureaucrat, an Indian bureaucrat and an African bureaucrat walk into a bar. They’ve known each other for years, having met every year at UN conferences, and they’ve become friends.

But, talking over drinks, they realise that they’ve only ever met at conferences. So the Chinese bureaucrat suggests that after the next one, in Beijing, they come to his house to relax for a few days.

They all agree, and when the next conference ends, they set off. They get a plane at Beijin...

Theres an old African Saying "A Lion leading an Army of Sheep can defeat An Army of Lions led by A Sheep".

And like i get the message and its a nice analogy and all but if A Sheep somehow manage to become leader of an Army of Lions, then my moneys on the Sheep

Wife says to Husband, I am going donate all of my clothes I no longer wear to poor starving African Women:

Husband replies,

If your clothes fit them, they are definitely not starving:

Which African country is Elon Musk from?

Madatgascar

A Brit, American and South African Joke

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years
They came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the Brit’s, in the weeks that followed, an Ameri...

They said it couldn't be done. They said I would never become an entire African country.

But I'm Ghana be

African chief whose obsession was to conquer other chiefs and take their thrones as trophies

There was this African chief at the turn of the last century whose obsession was to conquer other chiefs and take their thrones as trophies. These thrones he would collect and display in the second level of his magnificent palace just above his own luxurious throne. This palace was renowned for its ...

Why do African Americans always have nightmares?

Because the last one to have a dream got shot

What do you call five African-Americans born together?

Triplets.

Why did the three year old African boy buy a red convertible?

He was having a midlife crisis.

Why are African memes the easiest to steal?

Well, none of them have a watermark...

Anyone want to invest in my new African-Asian fusion restaurant?

It's going to be call "Wok like an Egyptian".

An African chief had three wives.

Each wife slept on a different animal hide - one slept on a lion hide, one slept on a giraffe hide, and the third slept on a hippopotamus hide.

The chief slept with each of his wives, and they all got pregnant. The wife who slept on the lion hide bore him a son and the wife who slept on the g...

So an African migrant is strolling down a sidewalk in Nuremberg.

He comes up to the first man he sees and says "Thank you, for allowing me to come to Germany. Thank you for giving me health care, and a place to live, and food to eat."

The man looks at him and says "I'm not German, I'm Albanian."

The African says "Oh, excuse me" and continues walkin...

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Little Johnny's in South African Geography Class.

The teacher says "Johnny why didn't you do your homework?"

Johnny says "cos there was fokol for breakfast."

The Teacher says "That's not cool don't say fokol in my class. Quiz time:"

"Where is the Namibian border?"

Thabo says "To the North of The Northern Cape."

S...

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Becoming White

A 5 year old African American wanted to see what it was like to be white so he covered himself in sugar. He went up to his mother and said “look mama I’m a white boy now!” and she punches him in the face and he then goes to his father and says “look pops I’m a white boy now!” and he takes off his be...

I'm so proud of my African pen pal.

He told me he hasn't had a drink in days. That's the spirit! Keep it up pal.

You’ll NEVER believe THIS secret of how African fisherman are talking to worms to MAXIMISE their catch!

Sorry, but this is click bait.

an african politician visits an american politician.

Af: That's a big house you've got there, how did you afford it?

Am: See that bridge over there? I kept 10% of the money that went into building it, same goes for most of the roads and bridges that were rebuilt here.

Ten years later, the American goes to visit his old friend.

Am:...

I’ve noticed a severe lack of African-American students attending Hogwarts...

... I guess they don’t like black magic.

My African brother, fastuh dandelion died recently.

He wasn't faster than the lion.

An explorer in the African jungle heard about a plan to capture the legendary King Kong.

And sure enough when he came to a clearing there before him, imprisoned in a cage, sat the imposing figure of King Kong.


It occurred to the explorer that he could be the first person ever to touch the great ape and so tentatively he inched towards the cage. Since King Kong appeared quite ...

Wheres the best place to find facts about african wildlife?

Safari...

Trump is the best friend the African-American community ever had.

He will literally do anything for a black mail.

What’s the difference between a luxury SUV a rich South African?

One is a Land Rover, the other is a rand lover

What do you call someone who refuses to accept that they're swimming in an African river?

in de Nile.

How many Africans do you need to change a lightbulb?

One, you racist.

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In the middle of a show, Bono starts snapping his fingers. He says: "Every time I do this, an African kid dies"...

A voice from the audience: "Stop snapping, you sick fuck!"

African Horses

In a world of horse racing dominated by the West, a new super power emerged. South African jockeys were jockeys were completely dismantling their opponents despite riding lame horses and weighing 250 pounds. Their budget just wasn't high enough to afford high quality gear, but they were still beatin...

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