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An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Ireland one morning with a purse full of money.

She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.


After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.


The pres...

An Irishman walks into an American bar

He sits down and orders 3 beers.

“You know, you don’t have to order these all at once - I’m happy to make them fresh,” says the bartender.

“Oh no, ya see,” replies the Irishman, “the extras are for me two brothers back in Ireland. We all order 3 beers so it feels like we’re drinkin tog...

A little Catholic boy and a little Protestant girl, both about four years old, were growing up in Northern Ireland...

Even though Catholics and Protestants didn’t generally get along with one another, the two played together often, not understanding why their families said they shouldn’t be friends.

On one particularly hot day, the two were playing when the little girl said, “‘Tis terribly hot today. We sho...

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A guy walks in to a pub in Ireland..

A guy walks in to a pub in Ireland, no one is there but the bartender. He decided to sit down and have a pint.

They strike up a conversation, the bartender says, “you see this bar here? It’s the nicest bar in all of Ireland. It’s 100% oak, chopped the trees down myself. It’ll be here for 100’...

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'

'Of course child. What may I do for you?'

‘Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes ...

I once got to second base in Ireland

I'd have gone farther, but it turns out the Blarney Stone has some pretty good security

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A man walks into a bar and orders three beers.

The bartender brings him the three beers, and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third, until they're gone.

He then orders three more and the bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one, and I'll bring you a fresh one as soon as ...

A man travels to Ireland for the first time.

His flight to Dublin arrives in the morning, and he travels into the countryside to stay for a few days. He goes to visit the Blarney Stone, feeds some animals at a ranch, and even gets to experience a rainstorm with a beautiful rainbow at the end. After his countryside excursion, he heads back to D...

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One day in Ireland two leprechauns knock on the door of a convent.

The mother superior opens the door to see the two little green men.

"How may I help you?" she asks.

"Mother superior," the younger leprechaun says. "Are there any leprechaun nuns in your convent?"

The mother superior thinks for a while and answers, "No, we have no leprechaun nun...

Which country has the fastest growing capital?

Ireland. It's Dublin every year.

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland...

The Texan clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers and says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thir...

I'm from Northern Ireland, and my life is LEGEN ... wait for it ...

DARY/LONDONDARY.

You know, Ireland has really made a comeback since the potato famine...

Everyday the population is Dublin

South Park Originally Took Place in Ireland

Kilkenny to be exact.

An American visiting Ireland walks in to a bar...

He says "I've heard you Irish can drink, we'll see. Here's $500 that says no one here can drink 12 pints of Guinness, one after another and without a break." He looks around the bar and there's no takers, in fact one guy shrugs and walks out the bar. The American is slowly drinking a pint of Guinnes...

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A radio station in Ireland is taking calls to find a word that is commonly used but isn't in the dictionary yet...

The first caller get's through,

"Hello! What word do you think should be in the dictionary?"

"Goan!"

"Goan? Can you use it in a sentence?"

"Yeah, go'an fuck yerself!" The caller then begins laughing until the station can cut off his call.

After several more calls t...

Milk The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk.

Milk The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk. The town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply. They brought the cow from Scotland. It was wonderful, produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy. They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows...

A trucker died in Ireland. A local snack entrepreneur gave a touching speech at the funeral.

“He was driving me nuts alright until the bloody car crash.”

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A rich oil tycoon from Texas made his way to Ireland one day, where he made his way to a local pub.

He walked up to the bar and laid a bag of money on the counter whilst he declared allowed to all in the room. "I heard y'all Irish can drink, so I put it to you that not one of y'all's can drink 500 shots back to back. Prove me wrong, and I'll give you this here five thousand dollars." The room imm...

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Heard this joke from a co-worker (who had recently moved from Kinsale, Ireland), and I present it to you.

The Boys are sitting around outside Dan Murphy's pub, having a few jars, when Will perks up with *"You know boys, my wife was reading A Tale of Two Cities and the next day she gave birth to twins."*

*"Isn't that odd,"* chirps in Sean McNamara, *"My wife was reading The Three Musketeers and th...

Ireland puns

what do irish people call split personallity disorder?

doublin

what do irish people call mytosis?

a doublin cell?

what do irish people call twins?

sean and connor

Why wasn't Jesus born in Ireland?

Because they couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

What do you call a sheep tied to a pole in rural Ireland?

A sperm bank

I am buying my coffin from a company located in Ireland.

I wonder if they accept crypt o'currency?

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Two Leprachuans walk up to a Cathedral in Ireland (long)

The first one knocks on the door. A nun comes out and the Leprachuan asks in a thick Irish accent "sister you gotta help me. I'm in a bit of a pickle and you're the only one who can help."

The nun responds "what's it you need help with?"

The Leprachuan replies: "are there any female nu...

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The US, England and Ireland are presented with a question. Why is the head of the penis larger than the shaft?

The US funds a study for 6 months at $20 million, and concludes it is to give the man more pleasure during sex.

The British, not to be outdone by the Yankees, spend 3 months and half the money, and concludes it's to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

The Irish, not to be outdone ...

What is the only marsupial indigenous to Ireland?

the O'Possum

The Pope is flying to Ireland tomorrow for a papal visit.

Do you think he will use virgin airways?
Like the clergy?

Sean walks into his local pub in Ireland

His friends all say "Hi Sean", and Sean says "Lads, you wouldn't believe what happened to me while I was walking to the pub. I saw a very shapely lady tied to the railroad tracks. Well, I ran over and untied her and we made passionate love together." One of the guys says "Sean, did you get any ...

Ireland has had its worst ever air disaster. A small 4-seater plane has crashed into a cemetery...

So far, rescue workers have retrieved 432 bodies, but expect the number to rise as digging continues through the night...

Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in Ireland

After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man...

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The pope called child abuse “poop” in Ireland

Something that happens directly under him, everyday, that he tries to flush down the toilet, so that no one sniffs it out.

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Paddy had been drinking

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating Ireland's football victory. Mick, the bartender, says "You'll not be drinking any more tonight, Paddy"
Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on me way then."
Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He fa...

The CIA lost track of its operative in Ireland “Murphy. ”

The CIA boss says, “All I can tell you is that his name is Murphy and that he’s somewhere in Ireland. If you think you’ve located him, tell him the code words, “The weather forecast calls for mist in the morning. ” If it’s really him, he’ll answer, “Yes, and for mist at noon as well. ”

So the...

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Two English men land on the shores of Ireland

As they glance over the scene. they see a beautiful lush green plain before them with all kinds of wild life all around them. They see Rabbits, Deer, Foxes, Sheep and a few Hedgehogs in the bush near them.
One of the man turns around to see that their ship is sinking in the distance and shouts i...

One sunny day in Ireland, two men were sitting in a pub,

drinking some Guinness, when one turns to the other and says "You see that man over there? He looks just like me! I think I'm gonna go over there and talk to him." So, he goes over to the man and taps him on the shoulder. "Excuse me sir," he starts, "but I noticed you look just like me!" The second ...

A man breaks down on a country road in Ireland and hears a voice.

He opens opens his bonnet/hood and looks at the engine. He knows nothing about cars and has no hope of fixing it, then he hears a voice "Check the alternator"....Where the hell did that voice come from, he looks round and leaning over a gate is a huge white horse looking at him "Check the alternator...

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A golfer was on vacation in Ireland

and while playing he made a hole in one. With that, a leprechaun jumps out from the trees and says, "I am the lucky leprechaun of the 13th hole. I'll grant you any wish."

The player thought a bit and said, "Could you make my weenie a bit larger?"

Well, by the time he got to the 14th te...

A short true tale about Ireland, quiz-shows and Hitler

Decades ago when I lived on the rocky coast of West Cork, there was a quiz show called "Quicksilver". It had a top prize of something like $1.25 (perhaps a bit more), and the contestants were just average people. In one show the contestant was asked for Hitler's first name. He thought about it, smil...

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On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The villagers stare at the BMW as they have never seen one before !

The pump attendant who obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golf pro is.

"Good morning. Beauty of an automobile you have there” says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick ‘hello’ and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does...

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An Arab boy moves to Ireland

... On his first day of school his teacher asks, "What is your name?"

"My name is Mohammed" the boy replies.

"You live in Ireland now, Your new name is Mike" says the teacher.

The boy smiles and has a good time in his classes.

After school the boy returns home and is gree...

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Gay guy goes to Ireland

Gay guy at work says at a meeting that he will be gone for the next couple weeks. When asked what he's doing he says he's going to Ireland. I look over to my buddy and say "he's going to be disappointed when he finds out Gaelic doesn't mean what he thinks it does."

What do you call a secret agent from Ireland?

Dublin 07

Have you heard about the population of Ireland?

It's Dub-lin!

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Big shout going out to St Patrick, who supposedly drove all the snakes out or Ireland.

But let's face it, thats clearly bullshit, they didn't have cars back then

When it gets cold in Ireland, we all sit round a candle.

And when it gets REALLY cold, we light it.

What does a bell company in North Ireland need to have to attract customers?

Speed. People want to get their belfast

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One fine day in Ireland...

... a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway.

He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head, and the golf ball lying right beside him. "Goodnes...

Which martial arts is the most popular in Ireland?

Drunken boxing.

When I look at my wife, I’m always reminded of my home in Ireland

Because she’s incredibly beautiful, wonderfully friendly, deeply cultural and innovative, but up at the top she’s a mass of complicated issues ready to tip over any second into bloody and terrifying violence.

Mohammad and his family moved to Ireland

Eight-year-old Mohammad had just moved to Ireland and entered his classroom on the first day of school. "What's your name?" asked the teacher. "Mohammad," he replied. "You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "so from now on you will be known as Frank." Mohammad returned home after school. "How ...

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A backpacker is traveling through Ireland when it starts to rain.

A backpacker is traveling through Ireland when it starts to rain. He decides to wait out the storm in a nearby pub. The only other person at the bar is an older man staring at his drink. After a few moments of silence the man turns to the backpacker and says in a thick Irish accent:

"You see ...

Have you ever noticed that Ireland is just one sea away from....

Iceland

An aging man lived alone in Ireland.

His only son was in Long Kesh Prison and he didn't know anyone who would spade up his potato garden.

The old man wrote to his son about it and received this reply.

"For Heavens SAKES, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!

At 4 A.M. the next morning a doze...

I love summer here in Ireland

It's my favorite day of the year.

Ireland has legalised abortion

It will be available to anyone who wants one, however there's a 10 month waiting list

The best joke in Ireland

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night." 

She sa...

A rich Texan is on vacation in Ireland...

One of my oldest, one of my favorites, but I haven't seen it pop up since I've been subbed. But of course it's surely a repost. I like to put on the Texan drawl and Irish accent for this one...

After a long day of sightseeing the Irish countryside the Texan wants to relax and have a beer so...

A nun sits outside a pub in Ireland...

A man walks up to the pub and is about to go into it when the nun starts shouting. "BEFORE YOU ENTER THIS DEN OF SIN, THINK OF YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR FATHER!"

He said back to the nun. "They're dead, they're dead and in heaven"

The nun went for a different tack and said. "Think then! Th...

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A poor Irish family...

A poor Irish family lives on a farm and they rely on their single cow for income.

One morning, the father walks outside to find their cow dead.

"There is nothing that could help get us out of poverty now," says the dad as he shoots himself.

The mom walks outside and sees the dad...

I was sitting in a bar one day....

I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent. 

So I said, “Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?” 

One of them snarled at me, “It’s Wales, dumbo!” 

So I corrected myself, “Oh, right, so are you two whales from Irelan...

Tickle me Elmo

There is a factory in Northern Ireland which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.

The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Perso...

I can't find a single Ekans here in Ireland with Pokemon Go.

Thanks, St Patrick

How many potatoes does it take to kill half of Ireland?

None

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A man sails to visit a remote part on the coast of Ireland.

As he comes close to the harbor, he sees an enormous, absolutely gorgeous Barque, docked in its own reserved spot. He ogles it for a minute, before docking himself and running through his checklist of things to finish before he can leave his vessel.

He finishes, gets all his things, and goes...

How do you greet people at a funeral in Ireland?

"Top o' the mourning!"

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A Texan in Ireland

So a Texan is visiting Ireland for the first time. Now, he's heard the Irish are world class drinkers, but he wants to see it for himself.

Being the cocky sort, he offers up a bet of $500 to anyone who can drink 10 pints of Guinness in 10 minutes. He stands at the bar, looking at the other pa...

[Long] My weekend in Ireland

My wife and I were in Dublin last weekend and after the first night I awoke early and looked out the window and saw two men at work, one was digging a hole and the other was filling it back in, but I went about my day regardless.

The following morning I awoke to see the same two men a bit fur...

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A man in Ireland finds a boy crying on the sidewalk

He walks up to the boy and says "Poor laddy, what's the matter? Why are ya crying?"

Little boy says "It's me mum you see, she just passed and now I've got no one at home for me. I'm all alone."

The man comforts the boy who's mum had just died and offers to go fetch Father Monaghan from...

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My kid asked me “Dad, where did we come from?”

Well I decided that if he starts asking these questions he’s old enough for the sex talk, So I explained everything to him, Better hear it from me than anybody else, After I was done I asked “So what made you ask this question?”

He said” Well my friend James said his family came here from Ire...

A teacher is going over vocabulary in a single classroom school in rural Ireland.

A teacher is going over vocabulary words in a rural town in Ireland.
She asks the class if they have any big words to share, and little Mary-Anne raises her hand.

"Yes Mary-Anne, what's you vocabulary word?" Asks the teacher.

"Contagious" says little Mary-Anne.

"Thank you, ...

What did Saint Patrick say when he drove all the snakes out of Ireland?

"Everyone got seat belts on back there?"

I found myself in a pub in Cork, Ireland.

A group of American tourists came in.

One of the Americans said, in a loud voice, "I hear you Irish think you're great drinkers. I bet $5,000 that no one here can drink 20 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes."

The bar was silent, but the American noticed one Irishman leaving. No one took...

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Radio call-in show, Cork, Ireland

True story...

The host asked for people to call in with a four-letter word that isn't in the English language, but should be, and to use it in a sentence.
A caller says, "G-O-A-N, pronounced go-an. I can use it in a sentence. Goan fuck yourself!" The host stumbles for words as the call goe...

Breaking news: A helicopter has crash landed into a cemetery in Ireland

The pilots didn't survive, and so far local police have recovered 956 bodies.

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Another version of that Ireland joke

This is a repost, it's just that joke reminded me of this joke about a black boy.

He accidentally knocked a bag of flour off the shelf and it went all over him.

His mom came in the kitchen and he decided to make a joke of it. "Look Mom, I'm white!" he said.

His mom slapped him a...

Ireland's population is out of control

It keeps Dublin and Dublin

St. Patrick's Day

So there God was, creating the earth. Along comes the archangel Michael who starts to get curious. "What are you makin', there?"
"I'm designing the earth. A wonderful planet of perfect balance." God smiles.
"Balance?" Michael asked confused. "How so?"
"Well, have a look. You see the two ...

A man from Ireland got into a terrible car crash and his eye was dislodged from his socket. Miraculously the surgeons were able to place it back in and he had no lost of vision.

Guess you could say he had "the luck of the Iris"

Texan in Ireland

A wealthy Texan is in a pub in Dublin and notices all the locals downing pint after pint of Guinness.

He makes an announcement."I'll gladly give $500 to any man who can drink 10 pints of that beer without stopping"

Everyone backs away from the bar and one man leaves the pub, altogeth...

At a small country school in Ireland...

A grammar teacher writes the weeks new vocabulary words on the chalkboard. The first word she writes is "contagious" she then turns to the class and ask if anybody has heard of this word before. From the front row Timmy O'Toole sticks up his hand and says "Ay miss I've heard that word before! Me f...

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At a U2 concert in Ireland, Bono asks the audience for some quiet.

Then he starts to slowly clap his hands. Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone: " I want you to think about something. Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies.".. A voice from the front of the audience yells out: "Then fuckin stop clapping, ya fuckin cunt"

The mile-high club is different in Ireland.

It's all about air lingus. The woman gets lucky and the man gets charmed.

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A tourist backpacking through rural Ireland enters a bar, and inside there's only a bar tender and an old man nursing a beer. They sit in silence until the old man looks over to the tourist and says, "You see this bar? I built this bar with my bare hands."

The old man continues, "I found the finest wood in the county, gave it more love than my own child, but do they call me O'Connor the bar-builder? No!"


He points out the window, "You see that stone wall out there? I built that stone wall with my bare hands; found every stone, placed them j...