My friend Billy Bob and I visited a place where you can stand in three states at once: Oklahoma, Kansas, and Missouri. Billy Bob opened up and said that he was actually in a fourth state; crippling depression. I said, “I’m so sorry”

“... but you can’t count Missouri twice.”

A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan.

While he was there he received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend.

In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him.

​

To add injury to the insult, she said she wanted back the picture of her...

There's a lot of talk about making Puerto Rico the 51st state

But I think the goal should be to get to 53 states.

A good solid **prime** number.

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One Nation, Indivisible.

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If Snoop Dogg dies before pot is legal in the United States,..

..He will be rolling in his grave.

Schrodinger’s cat was meant to prove how dumb quantum states are, yet it’s widely used to advocate and explain it. I bet he’s rolling in his grave...

and not

Which branch of the United States military is the most patriotic?

The Air Force; they're US AF

[Old] As the president of the United States, Donald Trump is required to take an obstacle course...

The man running the obstacle course tells him that in order to pass the test, he needs to get a time under 12 minutes. Trump tries his hardest going through the obstacle course, getting a time of 11:24. Happy with his time, he asks the man running the obstacle course: "Did I get the best time?"
<...

A lot of cities like to name their sports teams after their states major disasters

For example:

- Chicago Fire (Soccer)
- Colorado Avalanche (Hockey)
- Kansas City Tornadoes (Basketball)
- San Jose Earthquakes (Soccer)
- Miami Hurricanes (Football)
- New York City Jets (Football)

Original joke taken from a comment by u/toastytreats

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A new law is passed in the wild west, which states: “For every Indian scalp one shall receive $10 as a reward.” Two cowboys agree to go bounty hunting the next day.

They set out early in the morning but spend the whole day without any luck. Finally, tired and exhausted, the two cowboys wander upon a lone Indian, obviously lost from his tribe.

Out of desperation they catch him, cut off his scalp, throw it in a bag and leave the body lying there.

Th...

What do you call a bee that was born in the States?

A USB...

&#x200B;

I'll see myself out.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What does being President of the United States and a bowel movement have in common?

The job is carried out by an asshole.

What State in the United States is High in the middle and round at the ends?

Ohio.

Two Chinawomen go to the States for the first time ever. They hear that, strangely enough, they eat “dogs” over there.

Upon getting out of the airport, they spot a hotdog stand and immediately they are keen on trying it.

“Two,” one lady tells the hotdog guy.

After a minute, they walk off with their hotdogs wrapped in paper. They unwrap their food at the same time, gasp and look at each other with a m...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man and his wife were at a baseball game a couple of States over.

The man after buying her a bag of peanuts realized he had no more money for a hotel room or gas to get home.

He looks at his wife and says, " I have no money, your going to have to sell your body tonight in order for us to get home!"

She said, " Alright, I'll be back in 3 hours."
...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I'm running for President of the United States of America in 2020 as part of the Penis Party.

So far I only have 1 member.

Murphy's Law states that anything that can happen, will happen. But are you familiar with Cole's Law?

It's finely-shredded raw cabbage with a salad dressing, commonly either vinaigrette or mayonnaise.

Two foreign immigrants have just arrived in the United States by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," she says. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot ...

I'm so sick of people making fun of the United States

Don't they know we're the third best country in North America?

When my son learned about prime numbers, he told me that the Pledge of Allegiance would be better if we added three more states

Because 53 is indivisible.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A British woman was touring the United States, and decided to go to a baseball game

She didn't understand the rules, but figured she could learn them by watching everyone else.

In the first inning, a batter hit a grounder and started running to first base. The man seated next to the woman jumped to his feet and shouted, "Run, you sunnuvabitch, run!"

A couple of innin...

I met a girl last night. I forgot her name, but it was one of the US states.

Alaska

In the United States, tomorrow is a Federal Holiday

and the government is supposed to be closed for a day.

A government plane crashes between united states and mexico, where do you bury the survivors?

What plane?

If California splits into 3 states, we just need to make Puerto Rico a state.

We’d have a prime number of states and finally be “one nation, indivisible”

We should get all the ex-soviet states back together

Then we could have a Soviet Re-Union

The president of the United States steps out of his limo to give a speech when a would be assassin leaps from the crowd pointing a gun

The president’s body guard shouts “Mickey Mouse” at the top of his voice. The assassin seems startled by this and it gives the rest of the security team time to jump on the assassin and disarm him. The president congratulates his body guard and asks if “Mickey Mouse” is a secret service code word or...

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving.

They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says………

“Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk.”

“Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. ”

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tr...

The United States is under attack in American schools

The map of America had four tacks holding it to the wall in nearly every classroom I was in.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Haji comes to the United states

Haji comes to the United States from India, and he's only here a few months when he becomes very ill. He goes to doctor after doctor, but none of them can help him. Finally, he goes to an Indian doctor.

The doctor says, "Take dis bucket, go into de other room, shit in de bucket, piss on de ...

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”

The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”

“That’s a lot of money,” says the old ma...

The US should make DC, Guam, and PR states.

53 is a prime number.

Then we would truly be 1 nation, indivisible.

Recreational marijuana is legal in 10 out of the 50 states.

That's 4/20th of the United States.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"So," began the interviewer, "it states on your CV that you let other people do all the work for you."

I said, "Does it?! My dad's a wanker for writing that."

Why did the United States invade Panama?

Just cause.

I was speaking to a group of the migrants from Central America. I asked them how they felt about a wall between Mexico and the United States.

They told me they would get over it.

The first Jewish President of the United States is elected.

The night before the inauguration he calls his mother.

"Mom, I'd love for you to come visit and stay with me during the inauguration and for a few days."

"Oh I don't know, airfare is so expensive these days."

"Mom, I'll fly you out on Air Force One!"

"Oh, but you know,...

A young Soviet boy asked his father, “Is it true that freedom of speech is the same here as it is in the United States?”

His father said, “In principle, yes. I could stand on the White House lawn and yell, ‘Down with Reagan!’ and not be punished. Similarly, I could stand in the Red Square and yell, without punishment, ‘Down with Reagan!’”

If the United States got the moon for winning the space race, what did the Soviet Union recieve for second place?

A constellation prize.

If Mexico sends their rapists to the United States, where does the United States send theirs?

To the Supreme Court.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I only just found out that Harry Truman was a comedian before he became President of the United States.

Apparently he was super successful in the US. But he bombed in Japan.