My friend Billy Bob and I visited a place where you can stand in three states at once: Oklahoma, Kansas, and Missouri. Billy Bob opened up and said that he was actually in a fourth state; crippling depression. I said, “I’m so sorry”

“... but you can’t count Missouri twice.”

Which branch of the United States military is the most patriotic?

The Air Force; they're US AF

Schrodinger’s cat was meant to prove how dumb quantum states are, yet it’s widely used to advocate and explain it. I bet he’s rolling in his grave...

and not

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I'm running for President of the United States of America in 2020 as part of the Penis Party.

So far I only have 1 member.

When my son learned about prime numbers, he told me that the Pledge of Allegiance would be better if we added three more states

Because 53 is indivisible.

What do you call a bee that was born in the States?

A USB...

​

I'll see myself out.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man and his wife were at a baseball game a couple of States over.

The man after buying her a bag of peanuts realized he had no more money for a hotel room or gas to get home.

He looks at his wife and says, " I have no money, your going to have to sell your body tonight in order for us to get home!"

She said, " Alright, I'll be back in 3 hours."
...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A British woman was touring the United States, and decided to go to a baseball game

She didn't understand the rules, but figured she could learn them by watching everyone else.

In the first inning, a batter hit a grounder and started running to first base. The man seated next to the woman jumped to his feet and shouted, "Run, you sunnuvabitch, run!"

A couple of innin...

Murphy's Law states that anything that can happen, will happen. But are you familiar with Cole's Law?

It's finely-shredded raw cabbage with a salad dressing, commonly either vinaigrette or mayonnaise.

I met a girl last night. I forgot her name, but it was one of the US states.

Alaska

I'm so sick of people making fun of the United States

Don't they know we're the third best country in North America?

In the United States, tomorrow is a Federal Holiday

and the government is supposed to be closed for a day.

We should get all the ex-soviet states back together

Then we could have a Soviet Re-Union

The president of the United States steps out of his limo to give a speech when a would be assassin leaps from the crowd pointing a gun

The president’s body guard shouts “Mickey Mouse” at the top of his voice. The assassin seems startled by this and it gives the rest of the security team time to jump on the assassin and disarm him. The president congratulates his body guard and asks if “Mickey Mouse” is a secret service code word or...

A government plane crashes between united states and mexico, where do you bury the survivors?

What plane?

Two foreign immigrants have just arrived in the United States by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," she says. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot ...

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving.

They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says………

“Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk.”

“Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. ”

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tr...

The United States is under attack in American schools

The map of America had four tacks holding it to the wall in nearly every classroom I was in.

A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan

A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan.

While he was there he received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend.

In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. To add injury to the insult, she said ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Haji comes to the United states

Haji comes to the United States from India, and he's only here a few months when he becomes very ill. He goes to doctor after doctor, but none of them can help him. Finally, he goes to an Indian doctor.

The doctor says, "Take dis bucket, go into de other room, shit in de bucket, piss on de ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"So," began the interviewer, "it states on your CV that you let other people do all the work for you."

I said, "Does it?! My dad's a wanker for writing that."

If California splits into 3 states, we just need to make Puerto Rico a state.

We’d have a prime number of states and finally be “one nation, indivisible”

Why did the United States invade Panama?

Just cause.

Recreational marijuana is legal in 10 out of the 50 states.

That's 4/20th of the United States.

I was speaking to a group of the migrants from Central America. I asked them how they felt about a wall between Mexico and the United States.

They told me they would get over it.

A young Soviet boy asked his father, “Is it true that freedom of speech is the same here as it is in the United States?”

His father said, “In principle, yes. I could stand on the White House lawn and yell, ‘Down with Reagan!’ and not be punished. Similarly, I could stand in the Red Square and yell, without punishment, ‘Down with Reagan!’”

If the United States got the moon for winning the space race, what did the Soviet Union recieve for second place?

A constellation prize.

The US should make DC, Guam, and PR states.

53 is a prime number.

Then we would truly be 1 nation, indivisible.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I only just found out that Harry Truman was a comedian before he became President of the United States.

Apparently he was super successful in the US. But he bombed in Japan.

If Mexico sends their rapists to the United States, where does the United States send theirs?

To the Supreme Court.

What would happen if the United States switched from imperial to metric units overnight?

There would be mass confusion.

The first Jewish President of the United States is elected.

The night before the inauguration he calls his mother.

"Mom, I'd love for you to come visit and stay with me during the inauguration and for a few days."

"Oh I don't know, airfare is so expensive these days."

"Mom, I'll fly you out on Air Force One!"

"Oh, but you know,...

United States: A reporter that criticizes the government...

...might be labeled as fake news and have mean presidential tweets written about them.



Central America: A reporter that criticizes the government may be secretly arrested in the middle of the night.




Saudi Arabia: Hold my beer...

What's the difference between the President of the United States and the management staff of a Los Angeles baseball team?

One of them drafts Dodgers. The other dodges drafts.

Who is the 45th president of the United States?

The answer is a no-brainer!

The United States finally outlawed the waterboarding of suspected terrorists!

They have decided to replace it with a more politically correct interrogation method: Tactical Baptism

The United States doesn't use torture techniques such as water boarding

The prefer the term "tactical baptism"

An old cowboy from Texas recently heard that Alaska was the largest state

So he decided to uproot himself and move up to Alaska, to toss away the moniker of a cowboy and become a real Alaskan. He sold everything he owned, drove up to Alaska, and purchased some property.

After living there for a while, he knew he wasn’t quite an Alaskan, so he trekked down to the l...

Donald Trump dies and goes to hell

In 50 years, he comes to the devil and says: "I know I'm going to spend an eternity here. I would like to ask you for a favor. I miss my country, I miss the United States. Can I go back to Washington DC for 15 minutes? I will go to the nearest bar, drink some beer and have a little chat with the bar...

Til: the United States dropped leaflets on Hiroshima and Nagasaki to warn of the nuclear attack...

I guess you could say they were the target audience.

What is the fastest game in the states right now?

Pass the parcel

Last week a young boy saved a priests life in the United States...

... he discovered the priest had early stage testicular cancer...