A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.

A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.

He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.

"Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the sale...

If you can't think of a word, say "I forgot the English word for it."

That way people will think you're bilingual instead of an idiot.

Lets face it English is a stupid language There is no egg in the eggplant No ham in the hamburger And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England

French Fries Were Not Invented In France.

We Sometimes Take English For Granted

But If We Examine Its Paradoxes We Find That:

Quicksand Takes You Down Slowly

Boxing Rings Are Square

And A Guinea Pig Is Neither From Guinea Nor Is It A Pig.

If Writers Write, H...

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Three English men were in a bar and spotted an Irish man. One of the guys said he was going to bug him.

He walked over to the Irish man and tapped him on the shoulder. "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a real tosser.”

“Oh really, hmm, didn't know that.”

Puzzled, the English man walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a tosser and he didn't care!"

"You just don't ...

What’s the longest sentence in the English language?

‘I do’.

A Russian joke my grandmother once told me. I hope it works in English.

A man sits at the deathbed of his mother-in-law.
She suffers very much and cries in agony:
"Oh I'm dying!" "It hurts" "I'm gonna die soon"
She stops for a seconds and says:
"Well at least the weather is nice today"

The man says: "hey dear, don't get distracted!"

It must be hard for people learning to spell in English. For example, there is one silent K in "knight", four silent K's in "knickknack"

And three silent K's in "Republican".

English to become the official European language

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. 

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement an...

What do you call an English man at a world cup final?

A referee.

What did the Computer Science major say to the English major?

Yeah I'll take a #3 with a small fry and a Dr. Pepper, and a #7, just the sandwich. Do you guys still have that smoky barbeque sauce or has it been discontinued?

English Professor: "While two negatives can mean a positive, in the English language there are no two positives that connote a negative."

From back of class: "Yea. Right!"

An English Class

Sentence: I live in Czechia.

"What is the verb in this sentence?"

"Umm... live?"

"Great, now how do we say this sentence in past tense?"

"Umm... I live in Czechoslovakia?"

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I told my friend that I knew a famous constipated English detective.

He said. “No shit Sherlock.”

I guess he knew him too.

What are the three shortest words in the English Language?

“Is it in?”

An English farmer was walking through his field

He spotted a intruder crouched down by his pond. As he approached he realised the man was drinking pond water, cupping his hands.

"Oy ye dinnae wanna drink from there. It be full of hoss an' muck!" shouted the farmer.

The man looked up, startled. "Pardon monsieur but i am french. I am ...

One day, I asked my English Teacher, "Why do we ignore some letters in pronunciation eg. the letter H ...in Hour, Honour. ...etc. ...??????

My English Teacher said, " We are not ignoring them; they're considered silent "....... (I was even more confused .....?????)
During the lunch break, my Teacher gave me her packed lunch and asked me to heat it in the Cafeteria.
I ate all the food and returned her the empty container. ....!!!!!...

Politics Is the Most Accurate Word In English

It's made up of two other parts.

1 - Poly - meaning many
2 - Ticks - blood sucking insects.

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Please ignore the English errors. It's my fourth language.

Genie: I see you're short. Would you like to increase your height?

Me: Yes, please! I would give anything to increase my height.

Genie: Alright then, for every inch I increase your height, I'll reduce an inch of your penis. So, by how much do you want to increase your height?

Me...

Two English gentlemen are fishing on a boat

As they are both fishing in silence, as gentlemen do, the one gets a big pull on his line. After a fair amount of fighting, he pulls a beautiful mermaid out of the water. As he is holding her, he looks at her head to tail: top half woman, and from the waist down fish.

The mermaid looks at him...

The captured English general and French general

a bash on the French, plus first post here: apologies, but anyway ...



During the Napoleonic wars, an English general (EG) is captured by the French. eventually the French general (FG) responsible for the capturing force faces upto the EG for the interrogation:

FG: i dont unders...

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What is an English teacher's favourite cocktail?

Tequila Mockingbird

An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Ethiopian all sit in the hospital lobby as their wives are giving birth.

After a while the doctor comes out, invites them into the nursery where 3 babies lie in cribs and says: "Congratulation! You all just became fathers! But there is one problem. Due to a nurse's error the babies got mixed up and we don't really know which one who's."

The Englishman suddenly gra...

What would an English football fan do if England won the World Cup?

Stop playing FIFA and go to bed.

I think my English teacher is a dinosaur

Because he said he is a walking thesaurus

An English man is making a map of Wales

He goes in to the first place he comes across. Walks in to the biggest building and asks the first person he can find, what's this place called? Cardiff the person says. The English man marks Cardiff on his map and carrys on. After a while he spots another settlement so again he walks in to the bigg...

What are some concepts of jokes that work in another language, but not in english?

In danish, if you keep saying the word "amen", it becomes our expression of "yummy".

Which means as a silly joke, you could make a religion that praises food, and instead of ending a prayer with amen it goes "amenamenamenam" aka. "Yum yum yum yum"

There was a bus with 4 seats.

(Sorry for the poor construction of the joke. English is not my first language)

The conductor came in and began checking the tickets of the passengers.

He approached the lady sitting in the first seat. She didn't have a ticket. The conductor fined her 20$ even though the ticket cost 4...

What is the difference between a English actuary and a Sicilian actuary?

An English actuary can tell you how many people are going to die next
year.

A Sicilian actuary can give you their names . . . .

Two English gentlemen are commuters, using the Tube to the City. They get on and off at the same stations, and having done it for years they occasionally nod greetings or even exchange a “good morning.”

One of them looked really unhappy one day and the other said “I know we haven’t been introduced but if you don’t mind me saying it you do look a bit peaky.”
“My false teeth are killing me.”
“Hmmm. If you let me have a good look I may be able to help you.”
“Oh please do...”
“Give me a da...

This is a joke we tell in Armenian, I think it comes out well in English too.

Little Johnny is in school one day when his teacher tells the class that she wants to hear each of them say a little about their families, and specifically what is needed in their lives.

The first student is a little girl, she stands up and says "my family is mostly happy but what we really n...

Here’s Something weird about the English language

Nothing in the English language start with N and ends in G



Spoiler it’s a joke
Okay was not expecting so many people not to get it I know there’s lots of words I’m just saying the word nothing does

What did the English priest say when he had a funeral for an Italian cook?

He pasta way.

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I stayed in an English Hotel that was so quaint that when I we first arrived, rather than a mint, there were a couple of cricket balls and a bat on the bed.

Though the bat did fly out of the window after only a few minutes, and I never did find the rest of the cricket.

English is not my first language.

My American girlfriend texted me, "myspacebarisstuckpleasegiveanalternative"

What is a ternative?

My Korean girlfriend makes some cute mistakes when speaking English. For example:

"Fishing stick" instead of "Fishing rod"

"Tropical tree" instead of "Palm tree"

"Ant-licker" instead of "Uncle"

A guy told me there's not a single word in English that can be typed using the upper row of keyboard.

True

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On a crowded train, travelling somewhere in Europe.

A U.S. Marine walked the entire length of the train looking for a seat before realizing that the only seat available was currently occupied by a well-dressed, middle-aged French woman's poodle.

The weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman just sniffed, and said t...

There are two forms of English

The queen's English and spelling mistakes

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I want to try translating an Iraqi joke to English and see if it works. A man is sitting in a cafe...

A man is sitting in a cafe when suddenly someone he knows comes running to him in panic shouting "Quick, your wife is cheating on you with your best friend in the forest". The man runs out of the cafe angry and furious to see for himself and returns after a short while and sits back down on his chai...

English is a wierd language

Noses run and feet smell

Aliens visit Earth. They come in peace and surprisingly , they speak English.

Obviously, all of the heads of government and religious leaders want to speak to the aliens so they set up a meeting with our new visitors. When it's the Pope's turn, he asks: "Do you know about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?"

"You mean JC?", responds the alien. "Yeah, we know him! He's th...

An English athlete, a French athlete and a Russian athlete are all on the medal podium at the 1976 Summer Olympics chatting before the medal ceremony.

“Don't get me wrong" says the Englishman, "winning a medal is very nice, but I still feel the greatest pleasure in life is getting home after a long day, putting one's feet up and having a nice cup of tea".

"You Englishman" snorts the Frenchman, "you have no sense of romance. The greatest ple...

I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail,

but apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition.

My English teacher said you can’t make a sentence with only nouns.

Wheel sea

An Irish an English man and a Scottish man got sent to prison for ten years

They are given a ten year supply of anything the English man asks for ten years of tea the Scottish man asks for ten years of cigarettes and the Irish man asks for ten years of whiskey ten years later the guards let them out the English man is happily drinking tea the Irish man is smashed and when t...

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A High School English Teacher reminds her class of the next day's final exam. She tells the class that there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for a serious injury or illness, or a death in the student's immediate family.

One smart-ass jock in the back of the room asks, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Aw, that's so sad. Guess yo...

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An Englishman is hiking in Scotland and he pauses to drink from a stream. A passing shepherd calls out "Dinnae drink frae that, it's all fulla coo piss an shite!"

The Englishman says to him in a cut-glass accent "I'm terribly sorry, my good fellow, would you very much mind repeating that in the Queen's English?"
And the shepherd says "I'm terribly sorry sir, I was only asking if you would like to borrow this tin cup and get a proper drink?"

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There are three English football clubs with curse words in their name.

Arsenal FC, Scunthorpe United, and Fucking Manchester United.

The English Language is Weird.

It can be understood through tough thorough thought though.

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The third grade teacher was teaching English and repeated for her class...

"Mary had a little lamb, whose fleece was white as snow/And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go." She explained that this was an example of poetry, but could be changed to prose by changing the last line from "the lamb was sure to go" to "the lamb went with her."

A few days lat...

Common English Mistakes

Common English Mistakes

-mixing up there, their, and they're

-using the wrong too, to, or two

-putting commas in the wrong place

-enslaving innocent people and stealing their riches

-using apostrophes for plurals

Joke by my little cousin : Which Dino was the best in English?

The Saurus

English teacher:

English teacher: Give me the opposite of this sentence: "Children in the dark make mistakes." Student: "Mistakes in the dark make children." Teacher: Get out.

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A Harvard English 101 class was asked to write a CONCISE essay containing four elements: religion, royalty, sex and mystery.

The only "A+" in the class read:

"My God," said the Queen, "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?"

British English has only three vowels : A, I , O.

They have left E.U.

Did you hear about the English teacher who went to prison for so long she went through menopause?

She was most upset that there would be no period at the end of her sentence.

What did the English general say after a successful bombing raid on a city in southern France?

Be careful. At this point, they don't have much Toulouse.

What word in English language is always spelled incorrectly?

Answer : Incorrectly

The soviet soldier asked the german how to get to Berlin

Soviet soldier:how do i go to Berlin ?
German: two hundred meters later take the third Reich.

(it was my first english joke ever probably it gonna be the last one sorry for my broken english)

Keith Flint failed his English at School. It was a really tough break because his final essay was excellent

He just ran out of space

An English couple decided to adopt a little German boy. After two years, the child doesn’t speak and his parents start to worry about him. After three years, he still has not spoken and after four years, he has yet to utter a word.

The English couple figure he is never going to speak but he is still a lovely child, and on his next birthday, they threw him a party and made him a chocolate cake with orange icing.

The parents are in the kitchen when the boy comes in and says, “Mother, Father, I do not care for the orange i...

I am married to a Korean wife and she told me I get to name our son's English name

We live in Korea and gave our son my wife's last name 모 (pronounced 'mo').

I got to choose his English name so I said we should call him Lester.

So when I go around and introduce my child I could say

"This is our child 모 Lester"

This is America,why don't you learn to speak English!!

Karen yelled at a group of Scots.

They say “cellar door” is the prettiest combination of words in the English language,

Unless you live in Boston.

No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference between the two words COMPLETE and FINISHED.

Some people say there’s no difference but there is.


When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE!


When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED!


And if you marry a wife like mine who likes shopping, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!

English is not a language…

It's three languages, one on top of the other, dressed in a trenchcoat.

What's a difference between a suicidal french speakee & a terrified english speaker when you point a gun at them?

I don't know, it sounds the same.

An wealthy English woman had a butler named John.

One day when her husband was away on vacation, she asked John to follow her into her bedroom.

Then she said, “John, take off my blouse”.

Then: “John, take off my skirt”.

Then: “John, take off my bra”.

Then: “John, take off my underwear”.

Then she sighed and said, “...

My favourite word in the English language is frequently

I try to use it as often as possible

A English man, a Spaniard, a French man, and a German. Go to a club. The guy on stage asks if they can see him. They said

“Yes””oui””si””ja”

English puns make me numb.

But Math puns make me number.

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An English man, a Scottish man, and an Irish man all make plans to book into the same hotel but on 3 different nights

When the English man arrives at the hotel, the manager tells him that there is one room available, it already has a female guest, and there's only one double bed, the English man isn't bothered by this and walks up to his room, he opens the door and there's a woman lay on the bed...she opens her leg...

Here's a joke for English and irish

So 3 people go to the middle East, a German a English and a irish. They get captured and sent to a Prince, the Prince gives them each one wish and 20 whips to the back. The German goes first and asks for a pillow on his back, he gets the pillow and the whips but it doesn't work. Next is the English ...

Politicians go on a vacation

Politicians go on a vacation by bus.
The bus driver gets distracted by the beautiful scenery and drives off a cliff next to a farm.

The following day the police question the farmer:

\- Did you not find any victims?
\- Actually, I did.
\- And where are they?
\- Well,...

An English Pilot is Stranded Behind Axis Lines

After a week without hearing anything from his side, he begins to despair. Just when he's about to give up, he manages to find a plane in pristine condition! After familiarizing himself with the controls, he takes off towards home, with the enemy none the wiser.

However, on the way back, he i...

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When i was a kid this was my favorite joke don't hate me pls i changed.

I want to first apologise for my english in case i over complicate the joke it's my 3rd language and i have to translate it from my native language ^^

Well so it starts in a restaurant. A tall lady with weird long grey hair shows up with her huge bag and asks for a place for 2, so the waiter ...

English lord returns home and finds his wife in bed with her lover...

... He quietly leaves the room, and calls the butler:

\- John, could you please bring me my saber.

John brings the saber. The lord takes it and enters the bedroom. A few seconds later he comes out, wiping the saber with a handkerchief, and tells the butler:

\- John, please bring...

I've getting feedback that my jokes are in broken English, so here's one in Spanish.

Uno.

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so ...

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English parlimentarians and pornstars are not so different when you think about it

What do pornstars and English parliamentarians have in common?


They both love to wake up to BBC

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day.

"In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

What is the longest word in the English language?

"smiles"...

The first and last letters are a mile apart

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My favorite joke! It was a huge hit with my friends in germany, so i'm very exited to see what you think. I translated everything from german to english, so feel free to correct any mistake in the comments.

Being very annoyed by his female boss and co-workers, a guy tells his friend he dreams of a job where women are not allowed.



His friend thinks about it then says:

“I think you have two options, either you work as train driver or you work as a pilot, if you decide to work as tra...

A local copper was walking through his quiet English village when he spots a red Ferrari coming through just a little bit too fast. He steps out into the road, stops the car, and walks up to the driver's window.

"Going a bit fast there, don't you think?"

"This road is the b35 so I was going 35mph." Replies the driver.

The copper shakes his head at the driver's stupidity. "That's not how it works, son. It's tight bends and small single lanes for miles around here, 30mph maximum." The copper the...

After receiving an 89 on his English exam, an immigrant mother tries to cheer up her perfectionist son by telling him "You've gotta be positive!"

"It's pronounced 'B plus'", replied the son, "and I wanted an A!"

Joke translated to English from German

A blonde is driving home when she gets pulled over by a police officer.

"Mam, may i see you driving license?!"

"What's a driving license? "

"You know this thing in your purse with your face on..."


She starts digging through her purse, finds her cosmetic m...

You've heard the expression 'tit for tat'?

Well I've got more than enough [tat](https://dictionary.cambridge.org/amp/english/tat). Anyone know where to go to trade it in for my reward?

^Edit: ^was ^not ^aware ^'tat' ^was ^a ^British ^term, ^sorry ^America

If your partner confesses that they cheated on you......

If your partner confesses that they cheated on you, I know the temptation is to ask, “with who?“

But that's inappropriate. Avoid it.

Instead ask, “with whom? “ It is important to speak good English.

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an Indian man, an English man, and a American are forced to jump of a building by a wizard

the wizard says you have to jump off, but while you fall whatever you say will appear below you.

the English man jumps off and says "pillows" and lands on a pile of pillows

the Indian jumps off and says "hay" and lands on a pile of hay

the American jumps off and yells "oh crap!"

What do you call it when an famous English actor goes on a big, long tirade?

A huge rant

In my native language (French) we have a very special kind of joke that I'd like to try on an English-speaking audience

Mr & Mrs Rophone have a son, what would his name be?
Mike!

Ok, not the funniest example, but it's already interesting enough to show you a very cultural way of phrasing jokes in France !

What did the patient say that made the doctor suspect he had the English strain of COVID-19?

I miss the smell of Marmite.

I'm trying to learn English. They told me "I'm sorry" and "I apologize" mean the same thing, but I'm still confused.

Can anybody please tell me why the widow got mad at me at the funeral?

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How to catch a fish

Another joke that i heard in Hindi many years ago. Trying to translate in English.

On a sunny day, a man was sitting by a river with his fishing hook in the water hoping to catch a fish. He was unsuccessful, so he goes the next day and the day after and continuously for several days with no ...

Good old #162, the Frog Joke

Patricia Whack, a bank teller, was having an unusual day: a frog had appeared in front of her teller and asked in perfectly elocuted English, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to obtain some credits from your establishment, on consideration of this blue marble elephant as collateral."

Ms. Whack knew immed...

2 cats are at the English Channel.

An English cat and the French Cat decide they want to cross the channel. The English cat psyches himself up, says “One... Two... Three” jumps in the water and swims across.

The French cat decides to imitate the English cat. “Un... Deux... Trois...” Cat sank.

The letters in the English alphabet go to the beach (don't ask me why). Every letter gets sunburned except W, X, Y and Z. Why?

They had UV protection in front.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the horny English speaking ghost say to the hive?

Boo bees!

A dog walks into the unemployment office..

"I need a job." He said, in perfect English.

Surprised, the clerk says "I'm sure the circus would be very interested in you. Shall I contact them?"

"If you like." Replied the dog. "But why would the circus need an architect?"

What core subjects do Kentucky students take?

English, Science, Social Studies, and Methamatics

Warning, English not my first language, so sorry if hard to understand

The creative writing students all shifted a little uneasy as they realized they had clearly picked the wrong professor

What word in the English language does the following: the first two letters signify a male, the first three letters signify a female, the first four letters signify a great, while the entire world signifies a great woman. What is the word?

Heroine

Immigrants speak the best English.

Three paisanos from the old country are trying to impress each other with the big words they have learned in English.

One says, “My wife can’t have more children. That means she’s inconceivable.”

The second says, “That’s too bad, but you used the wrong word, you mean she’s impregnabl...

A Spanish man, an Italian man, and an English man are seated together on a flight to the US.

As they talk during the flight, they discover that they are all on extended business trips, and they each spent their last night at home making love to their wives.

The Spanish man says, "I made love to my wife three times, and when it was time for me to leave she cried and cried for me to st...

Ricardo was a young Italian man.

He lived in Milan. On his 16th birthday his father Antonio, in a rite of passage, gave him a hunting rifle that was a family heirloom. The rifle had been handmade by Antonio’s father who founded the Rolle Carabiner Company after World War II. Ricardo cherished the rifle and he practiced with it o...

Why did Jeffrey Epstein's English teacher fail him?

Because he never finished his sentences...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was in Japan I was asked by a woman on the train, "What's black and white and red all over?"

"Wow" I replied. "You speak English?"

She replied, "Just a riddle".

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