In Germany, A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again.

This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.

The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."

The son of a rich Saudi sheikh arrives in Germany for his University studies.

He soon writes home to his father. "Dear Dad, Berlin is wonderful, the people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad I am a little ashamed to be riding to class every day in my 24k gold Ferrari 599GTB when my professors, friends and many fellow students all travel by train. Your son, Ahmed"
...

What's the Coldest city in Germany?

Brrrrrlin

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My Math teacher went nuts today in Geometry class and started ranting about Japan, Italy, and Germany.

He said we need to know about the ex axis.

What's the difference between a tea bag and the German football team?

A tea bag stays in the cup for longer...

Bit of British humour right there ;)

EDIT: happy to see this joke made people laugh, yes it's a classic joke but England have mainly been on the receiving end of it so nice to turn it around on someone else for a change (sorry Germany)

Th...

What operating system do they use in Germany?

Mac os Nein

A German talk show host once asked Robin Williams why he thought there wasn't much comedy in Germany

"Did you ever think you killed all the funny people?" he replied.

"No."

Did Hitler Defeat Germany?

I mean think about it, he did kill the leader.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My grandmother sat me down the other day and whispered conspiratorially in my ear that if she had her time again, she'd have spent it in Germany from around 1933.

I guess she's a gramma Nazi.

I’m like Germany.

20s was still okay, but somewhere between the 30s and 40s I completely lost it and I’ve hated myself ever since.

An american farmer visits Germany

In a rural area he comes across a small village bar. He goes in and orders himself a drink, when he notices the man next to him also looks like a farmer.

​

"Are you a farmer?" he asks the man.

​

"Ja, I am a farmer" the man replies.

&#x200B...

In 1941, Hans, a young German boy, was listening to the radio.

Over the radio, Hitler announced that Germany was now going to war with the United States.

“Father, where is the United States,” Hans asked.

His father pointed at a map towards North America.

“Aren’t we currently at war with Russia? Where might that be,” he questioned his fath...

I met a mugger in northern Germany.

He said "Hannover your wallet!"

Recently I visited Germany. I hated everything in there. The people, the history, the language. But, oh god, the smell...

...it was the wurst.

The most German joke I know (source: am German): Why are there so few crimes in Germany?

Because its illegal.


edit: danke kind stranger for the gold, I will put it in my grandchildrens Sparbuch of course

edit2: the thing with the anti joke is that its not really an anti joke in German, what makes it more hilarious, for, you know... Germans.

I took a fruitcake to germany

It was stollen

How much is it for a handy in Germany?

Depends on the model

If Germany was the Fatherland and the Soviet Union was the Motherland,

does that make WWII domestic violence?

Do you know what they call a bra in Germany?

Kepzemfromfloppin

Apparently Germany isn't taking part in attacking Syria.

A world war without germany feels a bit empty.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why did the Jews in Germany not establish an organization against the Holocaust?

There was too little interest.

Germany's failure in the World Cup wasn't that surprising

They have always struggled to progress in Russia.

The airline food made me sick on my way to Germany...

it was the wurst

An American and a German are discussing freedom of speech.

The German says:

>Here in Germany, contrary to what a lot of you Americans think, we do have freedom of speech. Everyone here hates Putin, but I could walk right up to the Bundestag and proclaim: "I love Vladimir Putin!" And I wouldn't even be arrested!

The American replies:

...

Angela Merkel has been German chancellor for 13 years. Not to invoke Godwin's Law, but you know who else was chancellor of Germany for 13 years?

Konrad Adenauer

Did you know that taxis in Germany can only pick up customers on special side streets?

They're called Deutschland Uber alleys.

If a chain of islands belonged to Germany, what would it be called?

Not Funny Atoll.

A vegan was flying to Germany and discovered the airline had forgotten his special meal. He had no choice but to eat the only meal available: sausage and cheese.

It was a Wurst-Käse scenario.

A man calls a tiler ... (old East Germany joke)

... "Hi! I'd like some bathroom tiles repaired please. When can you come?"

Tiler: "Next appointment is in 8 years."

Man: "Oh, OK, I take it."

Tiler: "Morning or Afternoon?"


(This is the type of joke that went around in communist countries like Eastern Europe. Tradesme...

Three inmates in Communist Eastern Germany are comparing their stories.

The first one says: "I always showed up to work 5 minutes late, so they booked me for sabotage".

The second explains: "I always showed up 5 minutes early, so they booked me for espionage."

The last one says: "I was always on time, and that's when they realized my watch is from West Ger...

Due to growing environmentalist concerns, Germany and Austria decided to limit the amount of ores and minerals they were extracting from the ground.

They said, "Mine fewer!"

Someone from /r/Germany wanted a french maid so he visits /r/France...

French users were discussing how hard it is to get a job in France and there was more jobs in Germany. The moderator asks German guy why he was visiting /r/France. The no nonsense German guy says "business". The mod asks "Occupation?" To which German guy responds, "Not today"

What do you call refugees in Germany?

Alternative energy.

An Irishman moved to Germany

Now the town of Hamburg had an annual race around the edge of town, and the transplant decided to enter. However, when he went to sign up he found that there was an entry fee which he was far too miserly to pay. Instead, he slipped through the crowd and lined up with the other entrants.

Ban...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Germany, Russia and Poland are competing in a vault breaking competition...

The rules of the competition are simple. There is a vault in the middle of a room. The light in the room is shut off for 3 seconds. In those 3 seconds the team can do whatever they want to the vault to try and get in. If the team manages to break into the vault before the light comes back on they ge...

I was scheduled to fly from North Carolina to Germany..

Where my husband was stationed in the military. As I checked in at the airport, the ticket agent asked me some standard security questions. "Has anyone given you any packages that you didn't pack yourself?" he asked.

I told him that my mother-in-law had given me a parcel to take to her son....

What is the difference between Germany and the bermuda triangle?

The bermuda triangle has three points.

We can't let Germany get knocked out of the world cup...

Last time it happened was in 1938 and to say they took it badly is a bit of an understatement.

Why did East Germany have a drafting compass on their flag?

So that you could draw the direction the country was going.

If Russia is the Motherland and Germany is the Fatherland...

Does that mean the world wars were two cases of domestic violence?

Why did America drop crates of combs for Germany during WW2?

To get rid of the knotsies.

As usual for Germany ...

it performs better in '14 than in '18.

A few Americans got sick after they couldn’t hold their liquor in Germany...

One said to the other “man, Oktoberfest really brat out the wurst in us!”

Thanks u/prisonmikeymay for the suggestion.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My friend is visiting Germany this week. I suggested he might want to make it a permanent move.

There's fewer Nazis over there.

The year is 1900 and it is sunny summer day in Germany

One person, named Hans has a day off. He decides to go to seer to find about something about his future.

He went to the seer. It was old lady that could see peoples' future in her magical globe. She closes herself with Hans in one dark room and starts the ritual.

All of a sudden she g...

British pilot shot down over Germany...

...unfortunately he was badly injured when he was captured. They had to amputate his left leg so he asked if the Luftwaffe would drop it over his base in England, they obliged. A week later his right leg was amputated and again it was dropped over his base. Soon after his arm had to be amputated and...

The scene is West Germany, circa 1974

A BAOR^* captain goes into a brothel and wishes the madam a good evening, and asks "How much would you charge for the pleasure of my company?"

"One hundred and twenty-five Deutschmarks, if you please," she answers. The captain nods agreement, takes out his wallet and hands over a few notes,...

A British tourist visits a brothel in Germany

Geoffrey, a middle-aged British tourist on his first visit to Germany finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I ate a bad burrito and now I feel like Nazi Germany

A lot of gas and I’m fighting a war on 2 fronts

Scientists in Germany Have Discovered a New Particle That Can Only Exist By Absorbing Joy

It's no laughing matter

What do you call a Pastor in Germany?

A German Shepherd.

Why did Germany lose to Korea?

They played with no heart and Seoul.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Where did Jewish raindrops go in Nazi Germany?

To the Condensation camps

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An American hippie travels abroad to Germany

and decides to find a hostel to stay in. After a long search, he finally finds a small place, with no one but the host staying there. He rents a room, heads upstairs, and begins unpacking his things while also packing a joint. Once he’s all finished, he sits back on the bed and starts to smoke. Just...

Germany sets a new record in the world cups.

They arrive in Moscow with ten thousand men. 40 km further than the old record in 1942.

How many peopledoes it take to change a lightbulb in Germany?

Just one Germans are very efficient and not very funny.




How many people does it take to change a lightbulb in Poland?

Just one Germans are very efficient and not very funny.

Did you hear about the mean woman who died after falling into a sausage making machine in Germany?

She was the wurst...

I don't reckon Germany will win the World Cup again

Historically speaking, they don't fight well when they head up to Russia.

The leaders of the USA, UK and Germany leaders are on a plane

With their assistants when the pilot gives them a warning about too much weight on the plane and some people would need to jump from the plane to prevent it from fall. The assistants decide to jump to save their countries. First came the German assistant, with a German flag. He screams "FOR GERMANY"...

An English teacher went to Germany to teach the German kids English words.

On Day one, he taught them all the English words beginning with A.

Day two, he taught them all the English words beginning with B. After day three which was C words , he thought to himself.

"How are they gonna handle D-day?"

A mother is helping her son study for a test : She asks him "What is the capital of Germany?"

He replies "Berlin."

She then asks "What is the capital of France?"

He replies "Berlin."

She asks "What is the capital of Russia?"

He replies "Berlin."

She then hugs him and says "Great job Adolf, you'll do so well on your geography exam!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

{NSFW i think.} Turkish immigrant in Germany.

This guy called "Temel" is new in germany and he works at a factory, one day he recieves a letter from his little village in Turkey, the letter says: "Temel come to your village! Your wife is dead" so temel takes the first bus to Turkey and finally arives at his home, everyone is in front of his hou...

A Portuguese, a Greek, and a Spaniard go into a brothel. Who pays?

Germany.

Germany lost 1-0 to Mexico at the World Cup.

It’s not the first time they’ve gone to Russia unprepared.

If history has taught us something, it's that Germany should stay the hell away from Russia

Because they're not gonna win anything, and the opponents will breach their defence on the counterattack!

called the UPS office in Germany to ask if they were sending out my Oculus Rift

they said VR ready

Just watching the Germany Sweden game and there’s a Swedish player called lustig

that’s funny.

Fun facts about Germany

No fun in Germany.
Go back to work !

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman is vacationing in Germany

While having a nice time seeing the sights, she spots a man with his pants down, pissing on the side of the road.

Disgusted, she yells, “That’s so gross!”

The man smiles and yells back, “Danke!!”

In germany after the succes of Uber and Ubereats a new app is rising under elderly folk for finding people to help in your household

They're calling it Ubermensch

Germany can't start the next world war,

because three Reich's and you're out.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why do showerheads in germany have 11 holes?

Because jews only have 10 fingers

Our generation was so much nicer... I know because I grew up in Germany...

...and we were all kinder

Three americans are competing to paint a foreign flag on a white sheet of canvas ...

The three are given only 30 minutes to complete their assignment.

The first student decides to paint Germany's flag, the second will paint the United Kingdom's, and the third Hungary's.

The first and second are already making good progress. The third's about to take his first brush str...

First time since 1938 that Germany didn't get out of their group.

Let's hope they don't take it as bad this time.

What do you call a black rapper in 1920s Germany?

Kendrick Weimar

Germany lost 1-0 in Russia.

This is actually an improvement, last time Germany went to Russia they lost half their country.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Trump want to know the secret of Angela Merkels success when visiting her in Germany

she tells him: well it's pretty easy, You just have to gather a lot of smart people around yourself.

"How do you know so fast if they are intelligent" Trump asks.

Merkel: " let me demonstrate it"

She grabs the telephone calls Wolfgang Schäuble and asks him a question: " Mr. Sch...

My dad grew up herding sheep in Germany

He was a German shepherd.