The son of a rich Saudi sheikh arrives in Germany for his University studies.

He soon writes home to his father. "Dear Dad, Berlin is wonderful, the people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad I am a little ashamed to be riding to class every day in my 24k gold Ferrari 599GTB when my professors, friends and many fellow students all travel by train. Your son, Ahmed"
...

My father nearly died choking on a sausage in Germany

From that moment on, we feared the wurst.

Germany is a pretty weird country. If you deny the Holocaust, you go to jail.

But if you organize one, you are promoted to Reich Chancellor.

Germany is now advising people to stock up on cheese and sausages.

They are calling it the wurst käse scenario.

In Germany, the adults are kind...

... but children are kinder.

I was home alone, staying with a friend, on holiday in Germany when the phone suddenly rang...

“I am the viper. I am coming in three days.”
I thought it was a prank call, so gave it no thought. I laughed at the peculiarity and hung up.
The next day, I was alone in my friend’s house again, when the phone rang for a second time.
“I am the viper. I am coming in two days.”
This time, ...

Why did Germany invade Hungary in WW2

They were jealous of the Hung-Aryans

Q. Why did Germany provide aid to artists hit by coronavirus?

A. They know what happen when painter suffer setbacks.

France and Germany are at war again, who loses?

Belgium

I'll take this down if people want me to. I don't know where else to post this, so I figured here is ok. How do you get to Germany?

You go straight down the road and take the 3rd Reich.

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A drunk American was pissing on a street in Germany

When a German girl walks by and screams “Ah Nein! “ The American guy says, “I’m flattered but I think it’s closer to 8.”

It took awhile, but Germany has finally emerged as a leading democratic world power.

Clearly they understood that it takes three Reich turns to make a left.

Conspiracy theorists in Germany believe the government plans to do mandatory vaccinations against Corona. That's laughable.

I'm certain they'll put something in the tap water.

There was an English teacher teaching in Germany.

On the first day. He taught them all the words beginning with A. On the second day he taught them all the words beginning with B. After the third day, which was words with C. He thought to himself. “I wonder how they’re going to handle ‘D-day’”

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Nazi Germany sponsored a program for less fortunate kids to travel to the Far East.

it was called "youth in Asia".

over the The next 3 months, there's going to be a drought in Germany

Definitely looks like a Drei season

I think Germany was the best prepared country for Covid-19.

They already have a tradition of greeting each other at a distance.

Do you know why Wholefoods isn't expanding to Germany?

Gluten tag!

(This is my first joke)

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A blind dude took a trip to Germany,

Call that shit not-see Germany

A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job."

The German doctor replies: "That's nothing,
in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for a job."

The Russian doctor replies: "Gentlemen, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for a job."
...

Joke I stole from r/worldpolitics A joke circulating in Germany:

What borders on
stupidity?

Mexico and Canada

An old Russian man wants to visit his old friend in Germany.

An old Russian man remembers a good friend he had in east Germany, and he decides he should go check up. He doesn't have enough money for a plane, however, so he decides he will drive. The next morning he and his wife get into their car and start driving. Several hours go by on the empty road and af...

Today I learned Italians have more than 250 specific hand gestures to communicate non-verbally, I asked my German friend if they had anything like it in Germany..

He said they have one but they are not allowed to use it

Do you know why the ketchup industry is thriving in Germany this year?

Heinz' zeit is 2020

The true reason behind why Germany 's government aid artist in time of crisis

Because they have seen what an artist from Austria was capable of during the great recession.


P.s go read some ww2 history if u dont get it

A brittish boat is nearby a port in Germany and calls for help on the radio:

-WE ARE SINKING! WE ARE SINKING!
The german replies:
-Wat are you sinking about?

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If World War One were a bar fight.

Germany, Austria and Italy are standing together in the middle of a pub when Serbia bumps into Austria and spills Austria's pint. Austria demands Serbia buy it a complete new suit because there are splashes on its trouser leg. Germany expresses its support for Austria's point of view. Britain recomm...

Why is fruit squash banned in Germany?

They have a bad history with concentrated juice

A P.O.W. in Germany gets shot in the leg

His leg is infected and need to be amputated. He requested the captors to send his leg to his friends and family back home so they can have it as a souvenir and the captors figure it can't hurt so they send it.

Then the prisoner gets shot in the other leg which also gets infected and needs to...

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My dog nearly drowned in Germany until...

This guy jumped in the freezing lake and pulled him out. He swam back to shore about 30 seconds later, with my dog. I thanked him dearly and he said "You're welcome" in a thick German accent. I asked him if he's a vet. He responded with "Wet? I'm fucking soaking"

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Knock Knock Jokes in Nazi Germany

Knock knock

Who is there?

*kicking the door in
WE ASK ZE QUESTIONS!

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I am insecure about my penis size, and going to a naked park in Germany didn’t help

Just as I was beginning to feel confident, a group of german girls walked by, pointed at my dick, and said “gross”.

Now I think it’s too small *and* it looks gross.

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3 jews are trying to escape Germany [OC I hope]

3 jews are trying to escape Germany during ww2, but they get lost and are unable to find the border.

While walking they see a gestapo officer.

"I'm going to ask him where the border is" says the first of the jews. The other 2 try to stop him but he won't listen and runs off to ask the...

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I used to have a girlfriend from Germany

She was really into the Olympics and she would actually rate me on my performance in bed. The best I ever did, was the night I slipped it into her butt. She kept screaming 9! 9! 9!

TIL that fanta was created during WWII, when Coke Germany invented a way to efficiently process juice.

You should have seen Adolf's face when he realised he had misheard his receptionist.

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My kids are real jerks, so we're moving to Germany.

Then they'll be kinder.

There was a joke telling contest in Germany

Nobody laughed, but it was very well organized.

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A Soviet Spy has been captured in Nazi Germany, and is being interrogated by an SS officer.

A Russian-Speaking Ukrainian Kapo was brought in by the SS officer to be an interpretor.

The officer asks the spy,

"Tell us what information you have stolen, who you deliver it to, and where you deliver it!"

The Kapo translates this message, and the Soviet Spy responds,

"...

A woman in Germany is Skinny-Dipping in a lake...

A woman in Germany is skinny dipping in a local lake, when she notices a police officer waving to her from the bank. "Excuse me, Fräulein," he says. "You can't swim in this lake. It's illegal."

Mortified, the woman says, "Couldn't you have told me that before I stripped naked?!"

The of...

Growing up in Germany, we always had this game that we'd play where we'd run around and hit each other with bread

Man, I miss Gluten Tag

If Germany is fatherland and Russia is mother land

Then WW2 is domestic violence

It was hard talking to someone in East Germany in 1961.

I come from the West and man, it was like talking to a brick wall.

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Penis study...

I haven't seen this one in +20 years so here goes..

PENIS STUDY

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over $180,000.00 The results of the study concluded that the reaso...

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Vladamir Putin, Hitler , and Kim Jong Un all die and go to hell.

While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it's for calling back to Earth. Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he was finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.
Next up, Hitler ca...

Why is Germany the most grateful country?

Because in WWII they sent their tanks in advance

Being a vegetarian in Germany is so difficult.

It’s the wurst.

During allied invasion in occupied Germany, about dozen Soldiers stormed in to a house and there were two young beautiful looking girls in early 20's and their grandmother..

Scared but determined the two young girls said to the soldiers "Do what yall please with us...Spare our grandmother"

Grandmother : "Shut up Jimbos.. This is war"

The most German joke I know (source: am German): Why are there so few crimes in Germany?

Because its illegal.


edit: danke kind stranger for the gold, I will put it in my grandchildrens Sparbuch of course

edit2: the thing with the anti joke is that its not really an anti joke in German, what makes it more hilarious, for, you know... Germans.

In Germany it’s frowned upon to manhunt people named Kyle

It’s in poor taste to seek Kyle

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A popular joke in Nazi Germany

A Nazi Bigwig is on a diplomatic trip through Switzerland and notices a large government building. He asks his guide what agency it is.

The guide replies: "It's the head quarters of the marines"

The Nazi is surprised and laughs. "Why does Switzerland need a ministry of marines?"
...

Do you know what they call a bra in Germany?

Kepzemfromfloppin

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Government

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy,...

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Government

The federal government is sending most Americans a $1200 rebate.
If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, the money goes to China.
If we spend it on gasoline it goes to the Arabs.
If we buy a computer it will go to India.
If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras
a...

Why weren't there many atheists in 1850s Germany?

It was still quite Nietzshe

What if you were trying to say the number 9,

But Germany said no

Germany has varied climate

Winter is cold, Spring is sunny, Summer is hot,
And the Fall is full of soviets

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An art student in Germany applies for a Fine Arts Academy.

The headmaster assures the student that his work is great, and his mind is exceptional.

But he tells the student the university has already received too many students for this year so unfortunately his application is denied.

The student grows a somber look on his face, leans in and say...

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In 1941, Hans, a young German boy, was listening to the radio

In 1941, Hans, a young German boy, was listening to the radio.

Over the radio, Hitler announced that Germany was now going to war with the United States.

“Father, where is the United States,” Hans asked.

His father pointed at a map towards North America.

“Aren’t we cur...

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What did Hitler say when he heard Germany lost the war?

“I did Nazi that coming”

A British tourist visits a brothel in Germany

Geoffrey, a middle-aged British tourist on his first visit to Germany finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. ...

An american farmer visits Germany

In a rural area he comes across a small village bar. He goes in and orders himself a drink, when he notices the man next to him also looks like a farmer.



"Are you a farmer?" he asks the man.



"Ja, I am a farmer" the man replies.



"How big is your farm?" the...

Why do dogs live so long in Germany?

Because of all the Veteran Aryans.

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My Math teacher went nuts today in Geometry class and started ranting about Japan, Italy, and Germany.

He said we need to know about the ex axis.

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Did Hitler Defeat Germany?

I mean think about it, he did kill the leader.

If Germany was the Fatherland and the Soviet Union was the Motherland,

does that make WWII domestic violence?

Germany's failure in the World Cup wasn't that surprising

They have always struggled to progress in Russia.

A mother is helping her son study for a test : She asks him "What is the capital of Germany?"

He replies "Berlin."

She then asks "What is the capital of France?"

He replies "Berlin."

She asks "What is the capital of Russia?"

He replies "Berlin."

She then hugs him and says "Great job Adolf, you'll do so well on your geography exam!"

Germany owed a massive debt to France after the treaty of Versailles

One day, Germany couldn't afford to pay the weekly payment to France. So France gathered a band of soldiers and rode into a small town in Rhineland on trucks, hoping to find anything valuable as reparation. After inspecting the town for a brief moment, they took its tram tracks and street lamps back...

A man from Germany moved to the United States, and soon after his father passed away

He wished he could say goodbye so he went to a medium.
The medium told him that she channeled the spirit of his father, and to say what he wanted and he would hear it.
After a long speech of how sorry he was that he missed his final moments, he asked if his father said anything in return,
...

How do coeliac intolerance people in Germany say hello to each other?

Gluten-Morgan

Despite Brexit, English is set to become the EU official language...

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union, given its majority status in the EU, despite the UK leaving.

As part of the final Brexit negotiations, Germany proposed a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known ...

Everything you need to know about Australia

I REALLY hope these are true


These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for stupid questions!)


\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\...

As chosen by voters, Germany's Berlin Zoo named their two newborn pandas "Hong" and "Kong".

Upon hearing the news, China reacted fiercely and decided to withdraw all pandas from every country back to mainland China. It was a logistical nightmare⁠ to bring all the pandas back—it was pandemonium.

During WWI, an English fighter pilot is shot down over Germany

...the accident is terrible, and he wakes up as a prisoner in the hospital, badly injured. The German Dr. arrives: " Ve haf bad news - ve haf to amputate your arm".
The English pilot responds: "Oh no, that's bloody unfortunate. Can you do me a favor, - have one of your pilots drop it off over...

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It was in the late 1930s in Germany and a Jewish man who was sitting in a restaurant reading a Nazi newspaper.

A friend of his, who passed by, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached the newspaper reader. "Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading the Nazi newspaper?"Moshe replied, "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Jews disappearing...

What's the Coldest city in Germany?

Brrrrrlin

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My ancestors knew exactly when to escape from Nazi Germany.

There were a LOT of red flags.

I’m like Germany.

20s was still okay, but somewhere between the 30s and 40s I completely lost it and I’ve hated myself ever since.

Do you know why Germany will send their most unwanted prisoners to Greece?

Because whenever they send something to Greece, they'll never get it back.

When you’re alone in Germany being approached by a group of old men

You have to fear the wurst

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WW1 as a bar fight...

Serbia is walking across the bar with a beer in his hand. He bumps into Austria, and spills some beer on his pant leg. Austria is furious, and demands Serbia pay for an entire suit. Serbia can't afford this, so he offers to pay for the dry cleaning.

They argue, Russia tells Austria to back o...

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Lost in Translation

In my youth I was a bit of a Lady's man and had quite my share of girlfriends.

At one point, while I was at university, I went to Germany for Erasmus and I met a university colleague that I ended up dating for a while.

She had the strange fetish of giving me a score whenever we made lo...

While I was in Germany I asked the waiter to bring me some Juice but without ice.

I got a plate of ash.

A vegan was flying to Germany and discovered the airline had forgotten his special meal. He had no choice but to eat the only meal available: sausage and cheese.

It was a Wurst-Käse scenario.

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My friend is visiting Germany this week. I suggested he might want to make it a permanent move.

There's fewer Nazis over there.

I met a mugger in northern Germany.

He said "Hannover your wallet!"

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If my ancestors hadn't managed to escape from Nazi Germany, I probably wouldn't exist.

They went to Argentina in 1945.

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With the news of the 75th anniversary of the D-Day landings, I remember my Grandfather who died at a concentration camp in Nazi Germany...

He fell out of the guard tower and broke his neck

Apparently Germany isn't taking part in attacking Syria.

A world war without germany feels a bit empty.

I was a magician in Europe who specialised in doing magic with pens. In England, Germany, France, Hungary, Portugal and many other places I was adored by the people. But when I got to Spain no-one liked me.

I guess nobody expects the Spanish ink wizard shun.

I hear Marks and Spencer are embracing the wartime spirit.

Personally I think it's a step to far, bit if it takes bombing Germany then so be it.

What do you call a mean person in Germany?

A Deutsche-bag

What do they call the riot police in Germany?

The kraut control

What is the difference between Germany and the bermuda triangle?

The bermuda triangle has three points.

We can't let Germany get knocked out of the world cup...

Last time it happened was in 1938 and to say they took it badly is a bit of an understatement.

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My grandmother sat me down the other day and whispered conspiratorially in my ear that if she had her time again, she'd have spent it in Germany from around 1933.

I guess she's a gramma Nazi.

Did you know that taxis in Germany can only pick up customers on special side streets?

They're called Deutschland Uber alleys.

called the UPS office in Germany to ask if they were sending out my Oculus Rift

they said VR ready

A German talk show host once asked Robin Williams why he thought there wasn't much comedy in Germany

"Did you ever think you killed all the funny people?" he replied.

"No."

As usual for Germany ...

it performs better in '14 than in '18.

What operating system do they use in Germany?

Mac os Nein

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Trump want to know the secret of Angela Merkels success when visiting her in Germany

she tells him: well it's pretty easy, You just have to gather a lot of smart people around yourself.

"How do you know so fast if they are intelligent" Trump asks.

Merkel: " let me demonstrate it"

She grabs the telephone calls Wolfgang Schäuble and asks him a question: " Mr. Sch...

Angela Merkel has been German chancellor for 13 years. Not to invoke Godwin's Law, but you know who else was chancellor of Germany for 13 years?

Konrad Adenauer

A man calls a tiler ... (old East Germany joke)

... "Hi! I'd like some bathroom tiles repaired please. When can you come?"

Tiler: "Next appointment is in 8 years."

Man: "Oh, OK, I take it."

Tiler: "Morning or Afternoon?"


(This is the type of joke that went around in communist countries like Eastern Europe. Tradesme...

Three inmates in Communist Eastern Germany are comparing their stories.

The first one says: "I always showed up to work 5 minutes late, so they booked me for sabotage".

The second explains: "I always showed up 5 minutes early, so they booked me for espionage."

The last one says: "I was always on time, and that's when they realized my watch is from West Ger...

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I ate a bad burrito and now I feel like Nazi Germany

A lot of gas and I’m fighting a war on 2 fronts

A man is in court

(Long but worth it)

Judge: "You are accused of beating your wife to death. If you want to expect any mercy, you'll have to give us a damn good reason."
Man: "She was so stupid, I just had to kill her."
Judge: "That is even worse. If you don't want to be declared guilty on the spot, you ...

What's the difference between a tea bag and the German football team?

A tea bag stays in the cup for longer...

Bit of British humour right there ;)

EDIT: happy to see this joke made people laugh, yes it's a classic joke but England have mainly been on the receiving end of it so nice to turn it around on someone else for a change (sorry Germany)

Th...

The leaders of the USA, UK and Germany leaders are on a plane

With their assistants when the pilot gives them a warning about too much weight on the plane and some people would need to jump from the plane to prevent it from fall. The assistants decide to jump to save their countries. First came the German assistant, with a German flag. He screams "FOR GERMANY"...

WW2 joke

Germany: Do you like chicken?
England: No
Germany: Do you like curry?
England: No
Germany: Then you won't like what I did
England: Did you make curry chicken?
Germany: No I invaded Poland

Just water for me, please

An American, an Irishman and a Dutchman are spending the day at a beer festival I Germany. After a long day, they end up at a local pub near their hotel. The bartender asks the American what he will have. – I'll have a Budweiser, he answered, the best beer in the world. Next to be asked was the Dutc...

Boomers: kids these days don't know what books are.

**Gen Z:** We're literally using the same textbooks you had. My math book references West Germany.

Recently I visited Germany. I hated everything in there. The people, the history, the language. But, oh god, the smell...

...it was the wurst.

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Germany, Russia and Poland are competing in a vault breaking competition...

The rules of the competition are simple. There is a vault in the middle of a room. The light in the room is shut off for 3 seconds. In those 3 seconds the team can do whatever they want to the vault to try and get in. If the team manages to break into the vault before the light comes back on they ge...

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Why did the Jews in Germany not establish an organization against the Holocaust?

There was too little interest.

The airline food made me sick on my way to Germany...

it was the wurst

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