The 132+ Best Germany Jokes

A mother is helping her son study for a test : She asks him "What is the capital of Germany?"

He replies "Berlin."

She then asks "What is the capital of France?"

He replies "Berlin."

She asks "What is the capital of Russia?"

He replies "Berlin."

She then hugs him and says "Great job Adolf, you'll do so well on your geography exam!"

An Arab student studying in Germany wrote a letter to his dad

Dear Dad,

Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad, I am a bit ashamed to arrive at my college with my pure-gold Ferrari 599GTB when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train.

Your son, Nasser.

The next day, Nasser gets a reply to hi...

An american farmer visits Germany

In a rural area he comes across a small village bar. He goes in and orders himself a drink, when he notices the man next to him also looks like a farmer.

"Are you a farmer?" he asks the man.

"Ja, I am a farmer" the man replies.

"How big is your farm?" the...

A man was riding his motorcycle through the border of Germany and Austria every week carrying 2 bags filled with sand.

The border guard, an older man, searched both bags every time, but never found anything so he let him through. This goes on for a couple days until the border guard had his last day before retirement. Again the man comes to the boarder, both bags filled with sand. The guard asks him: "Look man, toda...

TIL in germany when someone is diagnosed with coeliac disease other coeliacs will chase and try and hit them with bread to make them feel welcomed.

It's called gluten tag.

(German Joke) Two American girl tourists are in Germany walking through a public park.

Both of the girls notice a Man peeing and scream “Gross!”
The German man responds, “Groß? Danke!”

Translation - “Big? Thanks!”

Germanys funniest joke according to research

A man comes to the fortune teller and sits in front of the crystal ball. "I see you have two children," says the fortune teller.

"YOU believe that!" He replies. "I am a father of three."

The fortune teller smiles and answers: "YOU believe that!"

The most German joke I know (source: am German): Why are there so few crimes in Germany?

Because its illegal.

edit: danke kind stranger for the gold, I will put it in my grandchildrens Sparbuch of course

edit2: the thing with the anti joke is that its not really an anti joke in German, what makes it more hilarious, for, you know... Germans.

A British tourist visits a brothel in Germany

Geoffrey, a middle-aged British tourist on his first visit to Germany finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. ...

A British trawler is sailing off the coast of Germany when suddenly the ship starts taking in water.

The ship is sinking fast and the captain immediately gets on the radio to contact the German coast guard.

"Help!" he exclaims, "We're sinking! We're sinking!"

A hesistant voice comes from the radio. "Um...v-vot are you sinking about?"

Germany is telling its citizens to stock up on sausages and cheese as fear of COVID grows.

It's the wurst-kase scenario

A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he was looking for a job."

The German doctor replies: "That's nothing. In Germany, we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he was looking for a job."

The Russian doctor replies: "Well, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he was looking for a job."

The...

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Why was Hitler mad when Germany lost the war?

He did Nazi it coming.

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Trump want to know the secret of Angela Merkels success when visiting her in Germany

she tells him: well it's pretty easy, You just have to gather a lot of smart people around yourself.

"How do you know so fast if they are intelligent" Trump asks.

Merkel: " let me demonstrate it"

She grabs the telephone calls Wolfgang Schäuble and asks him a question: " Mr. Sch...

An American man fled to Germany

The American police were after him after he killed nine people. The German police then found and arrested him. They took him to the station for questioning. Thankfully, the man did speak German. The German police had heard from the American police that this man never lies, which is true. So, the Ger...

An old Jewish man is lying on his deathbed with his wife Becky by his side. He looks to Becky and says "Many years ago Becky we were in Germany when the war began. Becky, you were by my side.

The Germans came and take us to their camps. Becky, you were by my side.

We leave Germany after the war and we come to London and we have very little money. Becky, you were by my side.

We buy the jewelers shop and we have some bad times, we were beaten and robbed. Becky, you were...

Germany's failure in the World Cup wasn't that surprising

They have always struggled to progress in Russia.

In Germany, we have a joke.

Sincerely. We do.

Arab student in Germany.

An arab student studying in Germany contacts his father saying "I feel ashamed that I come to college on a Lexus and the Doctors who teach me come by train".

His father sends him a check with 100 million $ and a note saying "here go buy yourself a train and don't embarrass us with the Germans...

Why can’t cats drive boats in Germany?

Because it’s Fur Boatin’

When everyone on a train in Germany takes their masks off and suddenly the internet works properly, how does that work?

The train crossed the border to Denmark.

Germany can't start another war

Because three Reichs and you're out.

I taught English in Germany.

The first day I taught them everything beginning with A.

The second day I taught them everything beginning with B.

D Day was a bit tricky.

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Why did Germany lose WW2?

They caught Hitler with his panzers down.

An old joke from Germany, when Trump jad just became President...

Trump is on Europe tour. He stops by in Germany and visits Mrs. Merkel in the german pariament; the 'Bundestag'.

He sees that everything there is working out just fine, so he asks her: "How do you do that?"
"What?", she asks.
"That everything works out so well?"

"Oh, that's easy....

Breaking news: Germany is advising people to stock up on sausages and cheese.

This is starting to look like the Wurst Käse scenario.

What do you call a German taxi driver who thinks Germany is above all?

An Über driver.

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My friend is visiting Germany this week. I suggested he might want to make it a permanent move.

There's fewer Nazis over there.

A Jewish man walks into a bar in Germany

He sits down and orders a beer. The bar is quiet today and the bartender is kind of bored, so he starts a conversation with this man. They talk for some time until they come across a topic of religion. “Yeah, I’m Jewish”, says the man. The bartender is in shock: “I’m terribly sorry for holocaust, oh...

A US banker is invited to the Finance Minister of East Germany and sees large quantities of gold lying around in the courtyard of the ministry.

Astonished, the American says to his host:

"In my country, gold is a very precious commodity. It is kept in Fort Knox, surrounded by an almost insurmountable concrete wall, watchtowers, mines and barbed wire, and guarded by dogs and soldiers."

"You see," replies the minister of East ...

Once this damned war is over, me and some of the lads are gonna throw a massive rave party for Russians and Ukranians, Chechens - everyone is welcome! We're hiring some of the biggest DJ's from the U.S, U.K, Poland, Germany....

And

a

Czech

one,

too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Working in Germany

Two Bosnians, Mujo and Haso, decided to emigrate to Germany to find a job. Since they had no passports, they dressed as monkeys and jumped on a transport train to the zoo in Leipzig. When they arrived, they were put in a cage with a tiger. As they were trembling in the corner, the tiger approached t...

An American cannibal visits Germany. What does he have for lunch?

A Hamburger.

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John was visiting Germany when he met a local named Gunther.

They immediately struck up a friendship and began chatting. After a pleasant chat John asked Gunther what he did for a living. Gunther explained “while, I am the creator of the minions from the Despicable Me franchise.” “Wow, that is so cool, John says excitedly.” “My son loves those little guys. On...

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What did Hitler do to gain power in Germany?

He Brat out the Wurst in people.

A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud toward him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefu...

I went metal detecting in Germany hoping to find an old coin.

I missed the mark though.

What do you call a group of males from Germany?

Germen

Today I learned Italians have more than 250 specific hand gestures to communicate non-verbally, I asked my German friend if they had anything like it in Germany..

He said they have one but they are not allowed to use it

called the UPS office in Germany to ask if they were sending out my Oculus Rift

they said VR ready

what's the best thing about germany?

Children are Kinder over there!

Why does Germany have the biggest population in the European Union?

Because they are GerMANY.

It was an ordinary day during the hyperinflation of 1923 in Germany.

And your friendly neighborhood Hans was coming back home from work, carrying his pay in a large basket.

Unfortunately, Hans got mugged.

The robbers tipped out the banknotes and ran off with the basket!

A German man walks into a McDonald's in the United States...

After waiting in line, he finally gets to the counter, and he orders a pint of beer, because you can get beer at McDonalds in Germany.

An American customer overhears the man's order, and he approaches the German man and says, "How could you be so stupid? you cannot order beer here." while lau...

What do they call Peppa Pig in Germany?

*Brat*wurst.

An English sailor just off the coast of Germany discovers that his boat is taking on water.

Alarmed, he calls the German coastguard by radio: "Hello coastguard, I'm sinking, I'm sinking!"

There is a pause for a few seconds, before the coastguard replies, "OK ... Vat are you sinking about?"

A monk from Nepal travels to Germany…

When he steps out of the airport he goes to the pick-up lane and raises his hand to call a taxi. An incoming taxi driver notices the Nepali and pulls up next to him with his big, luxurious Mercedes Benz car. The monk boards the taxi but as he has never seen such a big and shiny car before, he curiou...

There is a big difference between how Germany spies in the sky and how China does it...

...Gemany always uses 99 red balloons

I went to Germany, stood outside a famous baroque composer’s house, and pondered the meaning of life.

That’s what you call thinking outside the Bach’s.

If Russia and Germany would invade Poland again, who the Poles will shoot at first?

Germans. Business before pleasure.

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My kids are real jerks, so we're moving to Germany.

Then they'll be kinder.

A vegan was flying to Germany and discovered the airline had forgotten his special meal. He had no choice but to eat the only meal available: sausage and cheese.

It was a Wurst-Käse scenario.

Where do pigs live in Germany?

Ham-burg

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My favorite joke! It was a huge hit with my friends in germany, so i'm very exited to see what you think. I translated everything from german to english, so feel free to correct any mistake in the comments.

Being very annoyed by his female boss and co-workers, a guy tells his friend he dreams of a job where women are not allowed.

His friend thinks about it then says:

“I think you have two options, either you work as train driver or you work as a pilot, if you decide to work as tra...

What's the difference between a tea bag and the German football team?

A tea bag stays in the cup for longer...

Bit of British humour right there ;)

EDIT: happy to see this joke made people laugh, yes it's a classic joke but England have mainly been on the receiving end of it so nice to turn it around on someone else for a change (sorry Germany)

Th...

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In 1944, Germany was losing WWII and was desperate for money. Nazi party officials secretely visited Switzerland bankers and offered to trade an entire division of Panzers in exchange for precious metals.

Tanks for the gold!

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A Soviet Spy has been captured in Nazi Germany, and is being interrogated by an SS officer.

A Russian-Speaking Ukrainian Kapo was brought in by the SS officer to be an interpretor.

The officer asks the spy,

"Tell us what information you have stolen, who you deliver it to, and where you deliver it!"

The Kapo translates this message, and the Soviet Spy responds,

"...

Why did Germany invade Hungary in WW2

They were jealous of the Hung-Aryans

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Surrendering to Germany is like fucking a horse

You only have to do it once to be remembered for it

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I used to have a girlfriend from Germany

She was really into the Olympics and she would actually rate me on my performance in bed. The best I ever did, was the night I slipped it into her butt. She kept screaming 9! 9! 9!

Did you know that Germany is only second best at recycling

The first place is taken by r/jokes

An American woman is hiking through Germany...

She's enjoying taking in the sights and immersing herself in the culture. But one day, while hiking through a wooded area, she comes across an elderly German man taking a leak on the side of the path. He's hardly subtle about it; letting his sausage hang out for the world to see. Immediately the wom...

So I just got back from a trip in Germany, and I realized how awful American children are.

While they may be nice and all where I live in NYC, kids in Germany are kinder.

Well, a father and son from Germany went to a zoo in Australia

So upon arrival the little son pointed at the first animal he saw. Staring at a kangaroo he asked: "Daddy what is this animal called?"

"Well, my son, this animal lives especially in Australia and it's called a dangerou." answered dad.

The son looked around and saw a lion standing on a ...

A man goes into a confession booth in Germany...

He says "Please forgive me father for I have sinned."
The priest responded, "What is your sin my child?"
The man replies "During WWII I took in a Jewish man and hid him in my attic."
The priest then exclaims, "Good sir, that is not a sin at all. That was a righteous burden you took upon ...

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Some historic anti-Nazi jokes from Germany

Hey there. I thought, I'll take the time and translate you some of the so-called "Flüsterwitze"(whisper jokes) from nazi Germany.

* The old code of law seems to complicated, so it has to be changed. From now on, there are only three laws: 1. If you do something, or fail to do something, you ...

Why do art schools in Austria and Germany have such high acceptance rates?

They still remember what happened the last time they turned someone down.

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I love timezones

In England it's 12PM, in Germany it's 1PM and in the U.S it's 1953.

Fuck you, SCOTUS.

I heard germany is going to make robot driven cars illegal in their highways

It's going to be called auto-ban

What is the difference between Germany and the bermuda triangle?

The bermuda triangle has three points.

The leaders of the USA, UK and Germany leaders are on a plane

With their assistants when the pilot gives them a warning about too much weight on the plane and some people would need to jump from the plane to prevent it from fall. The assistants decide to jump to save their countries. First came the German assistant, with a German flag. He screams "FOR GERMANY"...

Q. Why did Germany provide aid to artists hit by coronavirus?

A. They know what happen when painter suffer setbacks.

They banned talking on mobile phones while driving in Germany

With the new law, a man went to an electronics shop looking for something that would help him to answer his calls, but still keep his focus on driving. The store employee offered to have his brother Hansel ride with him and put the phone up to his ear when it rang.

The man said "No, that won'...

Winston Churchill, Harry Truman and Josif Stalin were discussing the terms of peace in Potsdam, Germany.

After a hard day of work they decided to take the rest of the night off. They went into a bar, had lots of drinks and got completely wasted. They started heading towards the hotel but were suddenly stopped by a massive hole blocking the road. Nobody could deduce whether or not falling into the hole ...

If Germans are so efficient and productive, why hasn't Germany built an unsinkable ship yet?

Because why would we waste our time building a ship if nobody has ever sought of it yet?

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The Leader of East Germany Goes to Work

One fine Summer morning, the Leader of East Germany Erich Honecker goes to his office, looks out the window and says "Good morning, Sun!"

The Sun replies "Good morning, Erich!"

Then Honecker starts his day and works until Noon. Coming back into the office after his lunch break, he look...

In Germany, we know of a joke

The French military.

Apparently, due to COVID Germany is running low on sausage and cheese.

The government considers this to be the Wurst Käse scenario

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Whats the difference between America and Germany?

Germany has less Nazis.

They're closing sausage factories in Germany

They're calling it the wurst case scenario.

The mayor of Frankfurt, Germany

... was bitten on the finger by a dwarf seal just after she had dedicated a new enclosure for the seals at the Frankfurt Zoo.

(You can't really blame the animal. Even humans bite when they get that close to a frankfurter).

From tomorrow on germany is going to have a male chancelor

Finally kids under 16 can see that a man can become everything!

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I am insecure about my penis size, and going to a naked park in Germany didn’t help

Just as I was beginning to feel confident, a group of german girls walked by, pointed at my dick, and said “gross”.

Now I think it’s too small *and* it looks gross.

What do you get when you combine Finland and Germany?

You get a finger!

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I ate a bad burrito and now I feel like Nazi Germany

A lot of gas and I’m fighting a war on 2 fronts

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A Jew is riding in a streetcar in Germany during the early days of the Third Reich.

He is reading reading a Nazi newspaper, the Volkische Beobachter. A non-Jewish acquaintance sits down next to him and says, "Why on earth are you reading that garbage? It’s so virulently anti-Semitic!” “Look, friend," says the Jew, "I get up early and work hard in a factory all day. When I get home,...

If Germany was the Fatherland and the Soviet Union was the Motherland,

does that make WWII domestic violence?

Did you know that taxis in Germany can only pick up customers on special side streets?

They're called Deutschland Uber alleys.

There was a joke telling contest in Germany

Nobody laughed, but it was very well organized.

Germany owed a massive debt to France after the treaty of Versailles

One day, Germany couldn't afford to pay the weekly payment to France. So France gathered a band of soldiers and rode into a small town in Rhineland on trucks, hoping to find anything valuable as reparation. After inspecting the town for a brief moment, they took its tram tracks and street lamps back...

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I wish Frasier would have a show about a copy editor in 1942 Germany that's blind, bilingual, narcoleptic, and obsessed with weights and measures.

He'd be a Grammar Grammer gram-er Nazi not-see nod si.

A Portuguese, a Greek, and a Spaniard go into a brothel. Who pays?

Germany.

Did you hear about new electric car from Germany?

It’s called a Voltswagen.

(Credit for this: Alexa this morning)

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A drunk American was pissing on a street in Germany

When a German girl walks by and screams “Ah Nein! “ The American guy says, “I’m flattered but I think it’s closer to 8.”

During allied invasion in occupied Germany, about dozen Soldiers stormed in to a house and there were two young beautiful looking girls in early 20's and their grandmother..

Scared but determined the two young girls said to the soldiers "Do what yall please with us...Spare our grandmother"

Grandmother : "Shut up Jimbos.. This is war"

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Knock Knock Jokes in Nazi Germany

Knock knock

Who is there?

*kicking the door in
WE ASK ZE QUESTIONS!

Whats the most common occupation in Germany?

Poland

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A popular joke in Nazi Germany

A Nazi Bigwig is on a diplomatic trip through Switzerland and notices a large government building. He asks his guide what agency it is.

The guide replies: "It's the head quarters of the marines"

The Nazi is surprised and laughs. "Why does Switzerland need a ministry of marines?"
...

TIL that fanta was created during WWII, when Coke Germany invented a way to efficiently process juice.

You should have seen Adolf's face when he realised he had misheard his receptionist.

What is the SS called in Germany?

The ß

The worst piece of bread I ever tried was in Germany.

It was *guten*\-free.

We can't let Germany get knocked out of the world cup...

Last time it happened was in 1938 and to say they took it badly is a bit of an understatement.

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What happens when a furry takes over nazi germany?

The Furred reich

What do you do if you can't afford to fly from Germany to the UK?

euro

In Germany, online jokes can be given as a sign of thanks.

They call them danke memes.

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Nazi Germany sponsored a program for less fortunate kids to travel to the Far East.

it was called "youth in Asia".

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Linguists from France, Italy, and Germany were debating which language was the most beautiful.

The German representative was waving his hand frantically to be chosen to speak, when the French representative began to speak.

"French is certainly sublime. Consider the word Papillon. How could the word for butterfly be more beautiful than the butterfly itself”

The German is dying ...

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I was on vacation walking my dog on a beach in Germany when the dog decided to run in and was taken by the current

I don’t know how to swim so I screamed for help and luckily a local German jumped in after him. The man got the dog out of the water and immediately started twisting the dogs ear while slapping its ass as I sat there crying. Spontaneously my dog stood up and started breathing again and ran into my a...

In Germany it’s frowned upon to manhunt people named Kyle

It’s in poor taste to seek Kyle

There was an English teacher teaching in Germany.

On the first day. He taught them all the words beginning with A. On the second day he taught them all the words beginning with B. After the third day, which was words with C. He thought to himself. “I wonder how they’re going to handle ‘D-day’”

A man decides to visit Germany with his dog for 2 weeks.

He wishes to experience German culture during the winter. So, he visits an ice rink. As soon as the man steps foot on the ice, the dog darts forward, excited about his new surroundings. The dog proceeds to fall through a thinner patch of ice. The man leaps forward to save his dog, but another man di...

I'll take this down if people want me to. I don't know where else to post this, so I figured here is ok. How do you get to Germany?

You go straight down the road and take the 3rd Reich.

As usual for Germany ...

it performs better in '14 than in '18.

A guy from some middle eastern village moves to Germany.

He gets off the plane and hails a taxi, an old Mercedes Taxi cab pulls up to pick him up and they set off.

Middle eastern guy is really impressed with the car, having never seen a Mercedes before, and he asks about the hood ornament, what is it for?

The taxi driver realizing this guy ...

Last night, I dreamt of going to Germany with my family. When we arrived, the airport guards pinned us down and started beating us with sausages.

It was truly my wurst nightmare.

Do you know why Wholefoods isn't expanding to Germany?

Gluten tag!

(This is my first joke)

Germany and France go to war. Who loses?

Belgium

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Okay so this joke is one that is from WW2 Germany by the poor bastard Germans who did not want the Nazis in power.

Hitler, being a landscape painter, enjoyed going on drives with his driver and looking at the countryside. So out one day he points out a beautiful mountain and while he is telling his driver why it is so pretty the driver hits and kills a pig.
The driver just wants to drive off... he is with Hit...

Why is fruit squash banned in Germany?

They have a bad history with concentrated juice

The true reason behind why Germany 's government aid artist in time of crisis

Because they have seen what an artist from Austria was capable of during the great recession.

P.s go read some ww2 history if u dont get it

I found out why Germany is handling the pandemic so well.

They wash their Hans.

I don't know why they run marathons in Germany....

They have a history of not finishing races.

A man and his son walk into a bar in Germany

The bartender says "we don't serve your kind here"

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A Jew in Nazi Germany Reads a Nazi Newspaper

A Jew is on the bus in Nazi Germany and sees another Jew reading Der Stuermer. He asks him why he's reading that. The Jew with the paper answers
"Look, I got plenty of troubles at home and at work. The only time I can relax is on the bus. You think I want to read stories like 'Synagogues Vandali...

I think Germany was the best prepared country for Covid-19.

They already have a tradition of greeting each other at a distance.

Germany has banned the word good

Apparently they're going Guten free.

I was home alone, staying with a friend, on holiday in Germany when the phone suddenly rang...

“I am the viper. I am coming in three days.”
I thought it was a prank call, so gave it no thought. I laughed at the peculiarity and hung up.
The next day, I was alone in my friend’s house again, when the phone rang for a second time.
“I am the viper. I am coming in two days.”
This time, ...

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My girlfriend from Germany

My German girlfriend likes to rate my sexual performances on a scale of 1-10.

Last night we tried anal. She kept yelling 9. That's the best I've ever done.

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My dog nearly drowned in Germany until...

This guy jumped in the freezing lake and pulled him out. He swam back to shore about 30 seconds later, with my dog. I thanked him dearly and he said "You're welcome" in a thick German accent. I asked him if he's a vet. He responded with "Wet? I'm fucking soaking"

I was lost wandering by foot in Germany after my car broke down..

... When I came across a party where they were serving cheese and sausages. I suppose you could call it a wurst-Käse scenario.

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A blind dude took a trip to Germany,

Call that shit not-see Germany

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What was a nazi dictator ship other than 1940s Germany?

The Bismarck

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