Germany Jokes - 122 Hilarious Germany Jokes

A mother is helping her son study for a test : She asks him "What is the capital of Germany?"

He replies "Berlin."

She then asks "What is the capital of France?"

He replies "Berlin."

She asks "What is the capital of Russia?"

He replies "Berlin."

She then hugs him and says "Great job Adolf, you'll do so well on your geography exam!"

An Arab student studying in Germany wrote a letter to his dad

Dear Dad,

Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad, I am a bit ashamed to arrive at my college with my pure-gold Ferrari 599GTB when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train.

Your son, Nasser.

The next day, Nasser gets a reply to hi...

An american farmer visits Germany

In a rural area he comes across a small village bar. He goes in and orders himself a drink, when he notices the man next to him also looks like a farmer.

"Are you a farmer?" he asks the man.

"Ja, I am a farmer" the man replies.

"How big is your farm?" the...

Germanys funniest joke according to research

A man comes to the fortune teller and sits in front of the crystal ball. "I see you have two children," says the fortune teller.

"YOU believe that!" He replies. "I am a father of three."

The fortune teller smiles and answers: "YOU believe that!"

An old joke from Germany, when Trump jad just became President...

Trump is on Europe tour. He stops by in Germany and visits Mrs. Merkel in the german pariament; the 'Bundestag'.

He sees that everything there is working out just fine, so he asks her: "How do you do that?"
"What?", she asks.
"That everything works out so well?"

"Oh, that's easy....

A man was riding his motorcycle through the border of Germany and Austria every week carrying 2 bags filled with sand.

The border guard, an older man, searched both bags every time, but never found anything so he let him through. This goes on for a couple days until the border guard had his last day before retirement. Again the man comes to the boarder, both bags filled with sand. The guard asks him: "Look man, toda...

TIL in germany when someone is diagnosed with coeliac disease other coeliacs will chase and try and hit them with bread to make them feel welcomed.

It's called gluten tag.

The most German joke I know (source: am German): Why are there so few crimes in Germany?

Because its illegal.

edit: danke kind stranger for the gold, I will put it in my grandchildrens Sparbuch of course

edit2: the thing with the anti joke is that its not really an anti joke in German, what makes it more hilarious, for, you know... Germans.

When everyone on a train in Germany takes their masks off and suddenly the internet works properly, how does that work?

The train crossed the border to Denmark.

What do you get when you combine Finland and Germany?

You get a finger!

An American man fled to Germany

The American police were after him after he killed nine people. The German police then found and arrested him. They took him to the station for questioning. Thankfully, the man did speak German. The German police had heard from the American police that this man never lies, which is true. So, the Ger...

A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he was looking for a job."

The German doctor replies: "That's nothing. In Germany, we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he was looking for a job."

The Russian doctor replies: "Well, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he was looking for a job."

The...

(German Joke) Two American girl tourists are in Germany walking through a public park.

Both of the girls notice a Man peeing and scream “Gross!”
The German man responds, “Groß? Danke!”

Translation - “Big? Thanks!”

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Why was Hitler mad when Germany lost the war?

He did Nazi it coming.

Arab student in Germany.

An arab student studying in Germany contacts his father saying "I feel ashamed that I come to college on a Lexus and the Doctors who teach me come by train".

His father sends him a check with 100 million $ and a note saying "here go buy yourself a train and don't embarrass us with the Germans...

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A WW2 joke I heard recently

So, it’s 1941 and a young German boy is listening to the radio. On the radio Hitler announces that Germany is declaring war on the United States.

The boy asks, “Father, where is the United States?”

“Here, let me show you,” His father responds and points at a map of North America.
...

A British trawler is sailing off the coast of Germany when suddenly the ship starts taking in water.

The ship is sinking fast and the captain immediately gets on the radio to contact the German coast guard.

"Help!" he exclaims, "We're sinking! We're sinking!"

A hesistant voice comes from the radio. "Um...v-vot are you sinking about?"

Germany is telling its citizens to stock up on sausages and cheese as fear of COVID grows.

It's the wurst-kase scenario

Germany can't start another war

Because three Reichs and you're out.

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Why did Germany lose WW2?

They caught Hitler with his panzers down.

In Germany, we have a joke.

Sincerely. We do.

A British tourist visits a brothel in Germany

Geoffrey, a middle-aged British tourist on his first visit to Germany finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. ...

Last night, I dreamt of going to Germany with my family. When we arrived, the airport guards pinned us down and started beating us with sausages.

It was truly my wurst nightmare.

Why can’t cats drive boats in Germany?

Because it’s Fur Boatin’

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What did Hitler do to gain power in Germany?

He Brat out the Wurst in people.

I taught English in Germany.

The first day I taught them everything beginning with A.

The second day I taught them everything beginning with B.

D Day was a bit tricky.

Germany's failure in the World Cup wasn't that surprising

They have always struggled to progress in Russia.

Breaking news: Germany is advising people to stock up on sausages and cheese.

This is starting to look like the Wurst Käse scenario.

What do you call a German taxi driver who thinks Germany is above all?

An Über driver.

How do noodles say hello in Germany?

Gluten tag

A Jewish man walks into a bar in Germany

He sits down and orders a beer. The bar is quiet today and the bartender is kind of bored, so he starts a conversation with this man. They talk for some time until they come across a topic of religion. “Yeah, I’m Jewish”, says the man. The bartender is in shock: “I’m terribly sorry for holocaust, oh...

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My friend is visiting Germany this week. I suggested he might want to make it a permanent move.

There's fewer Nazis over there.

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Trump want to know the secret of Angela Merkels success when visiting her in Germany

she tells him: well it's pretty easy, You just have to gather a lot of smart people around yourself.

"How do you know so fast if they are intelligent" Trump asks.

Merkel: " let me demonstrate it"

She grabs the telephone calls Wolfgang Schäuble and asks him a question: " Mr. Sch...

A monk from Nepal travels to Germany…

When he steps out of the airport he goes to the pick-up lane and raises his hand to call a taxi. An incoming taxi driver notices the Nepali and pulls up next to him with his big, luxurious Mercedes Benz car. The monk boards the taxi but as he has never seen such a big and shiny car before, he curiou...

A German man walks into a McDonald's in the United States...

After waiting in line, he finally gets to the counter, and he orders a pint of beer, because you can get beer at McDonalds in Germany.

An American customer overhears the man's order, and he approaches the German man and says, "How could you be so stupid? you cannot order beer here." while lau...

Why does Germany have the biggest population in the European Union?

Because they are GerMANY.

An American cannibal visits Germany. What does he have for lunch?

A Hamburger.

A Portuguese, a Greek, and a Spaniard go into a brothel. Who pays?

Germany.

Where do pigs live in Germany?

Ham-burg

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I used to have a girlfriend from Germany

She was really into the Olympics and she would actually rate me on my performance in bed. The best I ever did, was the night I slipped it into her butt. She kept screaming 9! 9! 9!

Why do chickens in Germany cross the road?

They are just following orders

Working in Germany

Two Bosnians, Mujo and Haso, decided to emigrate to Germany to find a job. Since they had no passports, they dressed as monkeys and jumped on a transport train to the zoo in Leipzig. When they arrived, they were put in a cage with a tiger. As they were trembling in the corner, the tiger approached t...

what's the best thing about germany?

Children are Kinder over there!

What do they call Peppa Pig in Germany?

*Brat*wurst.

What's the difference between a tea bag and the German football team?

A tea bag stays in the cup for longer...

Bit of British humour right there ;)

EDIT: happy to see this joke made people laugh, yes it's a classic joke but England have mainly been on the receiving end of it so nice to turn it around on someone else for a change (sorry Germany)

Th...

Why did Germany invade Hungary in WW2

They were jealous of the Hung-Aryans

called the UPS office in Germany to ask if they were sending out my Oculus Rift

they said VR ready

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I love timezones

In England it's 12PM, in Germany it's 1PM and in the U.S it's 1953.

Fuck you, SCOTUS.

Grocery shopping on a diet is easy in Germany..

Just look for the *gluten tag*.

It was an ordinary day during the hyperinflation of 1923 in Germany.

And your friendly neighborhood Hans was coming back home from work, carrying his pay in a large basket.

Unfortunately, Hans got mugged.

The robbers tipped out the banknotes and ran off with the basket!

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John was visiting Germany when he met a local named Gunther.

They immediately struck up a friendship and began chatting. After a pleasant chat John asked Gunther what he did for a living. Gunther explained “while, I am the creator of the minions from the Despicable Me franchise.” “Wow, that is so cool, John says excitedly.” “My son loves those little guys. On...

I went metal detecting in Germany hoping to find an old coin.

I missed the mark though.

What do you call a group of males from Germany?

Germen

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My kids are real jerks, so we're moving to Germany.

Then they'll be kinder.

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Surrendering to Germany is like fucking a horse

You only have to do it once to be remembered for it

An American woman is hiking through Germany...

She's enjoying taking in the sights and immersing herself in the culture. But one day, while hiking through a wooded area, she comes across an elderly German man taking a leak on the side of the path. He's hardly subtle about it; letting his sausage hang out for the world to see. Immediately the wom...

A rich sheik's son goes to Germany to study...

...and his old man receives a letter. It says:

"Hello, father. It's great here! The people are nice, university isn't that hard, and life is pretty good. The only thing which makes me feel kind of bad is that all my friends go to school by train while I drive in my golden Ferrari."

Abo...

TIL that all podiatrists on Germany went out of business after WWII

everyone was defeated

In Germany, we know of a joke

The French military.

The mayor of Frankfurt, Germany

... was bitten on the finger by a dwarf seal just after she had dedicated a new enclosure for the seals at the Frankfurt Zoo.

(You can't really blame the animal. Even humans bite when they get that close to a frankfurter).

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Whats the difference between America and Germany?

Germany has less Nazis.

They're closing sausage factories in Germany

They're calling it the wurst case scenario.

An English sailor just off the coast of Germany discovers that his boat is taking on water.

Alarmed, he calls the German coastguard by radio: "Hello coastguard, I'm sinking, I'm sinking!"

There is a pause for a few seconds, before the coastguard replies, "OK ... Vat are you sinking about?"

What is the difference between Germany and the bermuda triangle?

The bermuda triangle has three points.

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Knock Knock Jokes in Nazi Germany

Knock knock

Who is there?

*kicking the door in
WE ASK ZE QUESTIONS!

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Did Hitler Defeat Germany?

I mean think about it, he did kill the leader.

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A popular joke in Nazi Germany

A Nazi Bigwig is on a diplomatic trip through Switzerland and notices a large government building. He asks his guide what agency it is.

The guide replies: "It's the head quarters of the marines"

The Nazi is surprised and laughs. "Why does Switzerland need a ministry of marines?"
...

There was a joke telling contest in Germany

Nobody laughed, but it was very well organized.

Did you know that Germany is only second best at recycling

The first place is taken by r/jokes

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Some historic anti-Nazi jokes from Germany

Hey there. I thought, I'll take the time and translate you some of the so-called "Flüsterwitze"(whisper jokes) from nazi Germany.

* The old code of law seems to complicated, so it has to be changed. From now on, there are only three laws: 1. If you do something, or fail to do something, you ...

A US banker is invited to the Finance Minister of East Germany and sees large quantities of gold lying around in the courtyard of the ministry.

Astonished, the American says to his host:

"In my country, gold is a very precious commodity. It is kept in Fort Knox, surrounded by an almost insurmountable concrete wall, watchtowers, mines and barbed wire, and guarded by dogs and soldiers."

"You see," replies the minister of East ...

I went to Germany, stood outside a famous baroque composer’s house, and pondered the meaning of life.

That’s what you call thinking outside the Bach’s.

If Russia and Germany would invade Poland again, who the Poles will shoot at first?

Germans. Business before pleasure.

Whats the most common occupation in Germany?

Poland

I’m like Germany.

20s was still okay, but somewhere between the 30s and 40s I completely lost it and I’ve hated myself ever since.

The leaders of the USA, UK and Germany leaders are on a plane

With their assistants when the pilot gives them a warning about too much weight on the plane and some people would need to jump from the plane to prevent it from fall. The assistants decide to jump to save their countries. First came the German assistant, with a German flag. He screams "FOR GERMANY"...

They banned talking on mobile phones while driving in Germany

With the new law, a man went to an electronics shop looking for something that would help him to answer his calls, but still keep his focus on driving. The store employee offered to have his brother Hansel ride with him and put the phone up to his ear when it rang.

The man said "No, that won'...

A man goes into a confession booth in Germany...

He says "Please forgive me father for I have sinned."
The priest responded, "What is your sin my child?"
The man replies "During WWII I took in a Jewish man and hid him in my attic."
The priest then exclaims, "Good sir, that is not a sin at all. That was a righteous burden you took upon ...

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The Leader of East Germany Goes to Work

One fine Summer morning, the Leader of East Germany Erich Honecker goes to his office, looks out the window and says "Good morning, Sun!"

The Sun replies "Good morning, Erich!"

Then Honecker starts his day and works until Noon. Coming back into the office after his lunch break, he look...

What is the SS called in Germany?

The ß

As usual for Germany ...

it performs better in '14 than in '18.

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Going back in time to Germany 1913

he was asked :would you kill Hitler if you ran into him? No! I'd buy his paintings and tell him how great an artist he is.

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My girlfriend from Germany

My German girlfriend likes to rate my sexual performances on a scale of 1-10.

Last night we tried anal. She kept yelling 9. That's the best I've ever done.

Apparently, due to COVID Germany is running low on sausage and cheese.

The government considers this to be the Wurst Käse scenario

Did you hear about new electric car from Germany?

It’s called a Voltswagen.

(Credit for this: Alexa this morning)

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I ate a bad burrito and now I feel like Nazi Germany

A lot of gas and I’m fighting a war on 2 fronts

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A drunk American was pissing on a street in Germany

When a German girl walks by and screams “Ah Nein! “ The American guy says, “I’m flattered but I think it’s closer to 8.”

Why is fruit squash banned in Germany?

They have a bad history with concentrated juice

Germany and France go to war. Who loses?

Belgium

There was an English teacher teaching in Germany.

On the first day. He taught them all the words beginning with A. On the second day he taught them all the words beginning with B. After the third day, which was words with C. He thought to himself. “I wonder how they’re going to handle ‘D-day’”

What's the Coldest city in Germany?

Brrrrrlin

Q. Why did Germany provide aid to artists hit by coronavirus?

A. They know what happen when painter suffer setbacks.

Well, a father and son from Germany went to a zoo in Australia

So upon arrival the little son pointed at the first animal he saw. Staring at a kangaroo he asked: "Daddy what is this animal called?"

"Well, my son, this animal lives especially in Australia and it's called a dangerou." answered dad.

The son looked around and saw a lion standing on a ...

Germany owed a massive debt to France after the treaty of Versailles

One day, Germany couldn't afford to pay the weekly payment to France. So France gathered a band of soldiers and rode into a small town in Rhineland on trucks, hoping to find anything valuable as reparation. After inspecting the town for a brief moment, they took its tram tracks and street lamps back...

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What happens when a furry takes over nazi germany?

The Furred reich

Germany has varied climate

Winter is cold, Spring is sunny, Summer is hot,
And the Fall is full of soviets

"Mom, mom, quiz me on capitals please!"

"Okay, what's the capital of Germany?"

"That's easy, Berlin."

"And the capital of France?"

"Berlin"

"And the one of Poland?"

"Also Berlin."

"Good job Adolf, good job!"

I heard germany is going to make robot driven cars illegal in their highways

It's going to be called auto-ban

If Germany was the Fatherland and the Soviet Union was the Motherland,

does that make WWII domestic violence?

I met a mugger in northern Germany.

He said "Hannover your wallet!"

If Germans are so efficient and productive, why hasn't Germany built an unsinkable ship yet?

Because why would we waste our time building a ship if nobody has ever sought of it yet?

Winston Churchill, Harry Truman and Josif Stalin were discussing the terms of peace in Potsdam, Germany.

After a hard day of work they decided to take the rest of the night off. They went into a bar, had lots of drinks and got completely wasted. They started heading towards the hotel but were suddenly stopped by a massive hole blocking the road. Nobody could deduce whether or not falling into the hole ...

So I just got back from a trip in Germany, and I realized how awful American children are.

While they may be nice and all where I live in NYC, kids in Germany are kinder.

The worst piece of bread I ever tried was in Germany.

It was *guten*\-free.

We can't let Germany get knocked out of the world cup...

Last time it happened was in 1938 and to say they took it badly is a bit of an understatement.

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My dog nearly drowned in Germany until...

This guy jumped in the freezing lake and pulled him out. He swam back to shore about 30 seconds later, with my dog. I thanked him dearly and he said "You're welcome" in a thick German accent. I asked him if he's a vet. He responded with "Wet? I'm fucking soaking"

This Brazil v. Germany World Cup Game.

A guy from some middle eastern village moves to Germany.

He gets off the plane and hails a taxi, an old Mercedes Taxi cab pulls up to pick him up and they set off.

Middle eastern guy is really impressed with the car, having never seen a Mercedes before, and he asks about the hood ornament, what is it for?

The taxi driver realizing this guy ...

Do you know why Wholefoods isn't expanding to Germany?

Gluten tag!

(This is my first joke)

An Irishman moved to Germany

Now the town of Hamburg had an annual race around the edge of town, and the transplant decided to enter. However, when he went to sign up he found that there was an entry fee which he was far too miserly to pay. Instead, he slipped through the crowd and lined up with the other entrants.

Ban...

A man decides to visit Germany with his dog for 2 weeks.

He wishes to experience German culture during the winter. So, he visits an ice rink. As soon as the man steps foot on the ice, the dog darts forward, excited about his new surroundings. The dog proceeds to fall through a thinner patch of ice. The man leaps forward to save his dog, but another man di...

Germany has banned the word good

Apparently they're going Guten free.

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A blind dude took a trip to Germany,

Call that shit not-see Germany

I don't know why they run marathons in Germany....

They have a history of not finishing races.

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A Jew in Nazi Germany Reads a Nazi Newspaper

A Jew is on the bus in Nazi Germany and sees another Jew reading Der Stuermer. He asks him why he's reading that. The Jew with the paper answers
"Look, I got plenty of troubles at home and at work. The only time I can relax is on the bus. You think I want to read stories like 'Synagogues Vandali...

Why is Germany the most grateful country?

Because in WWII they sent their tanks in advance

In Germany, online jokes can be given as a sign of thanks.

They call them danke memes.

Fun facts about Germany

No fun in Germany.
Go back to work !

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Why do showerheads in germany have 11 holes?

Because jews only have 10 fingers

I found out why Germany is handling the pandemic so well.

They wash their Hans.

What will 5G-NSA, a rather new mobile communication term, be called in Germany?

5G-BND

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What was a nazi dictator ship other than 1940s Germany?

The Bismarck

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