The son of a rich Saudi sheikh arrives in Germany for his University studies.

He soon writes home to his father. "Dear Dad, Berlin is wonderful, the people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad I am a little ashamed to be riding to class every day in my 24k gold Ferrari 599GTB when my professors, friends and many fellow students all travel by train. Your son, Ahmed"
...

(German Joke) Two American girl tourists are in Germany walking through a public park.

Both of the girls notice a Man peeing and scream “Gross!”
The German man responds, “Groß? Danke!”







Translation - “Big? Thanks!”

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My favorite joke! It was a huge hit with my friends in germany, so i'm very exited to see what you think. I translated everything from german to english, so feel free to correct any mistake in the comments.

Being very annoyed by his female boss and co-workers, a guy tells his friend he dreams of a job where women are not allowed.



His friend thinks about it then says:

“I think you have two options, either you work as train driver or you work as a pilot, if you decide to work as tra...

Germanys funniest joke according to research

A man comes to the fortune teller and sits in front of the crystal ball. "I see you have two children," says the fortune teller.

"YOU believe that!" He replies. "I am a father of three."

The fortune teller smiles and answers: "YOU believe that!"

Breaking news: Germany is advising people to stock up on sausages and cheese.

This is starting to look like the Wurst Käse scenario.

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Surrendering to Germany is like fucking a horse

You only have to do it once to be remembered for it

Geoffrey, a middle aged British tourist on his first visit to Germany finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away! Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and ...

TIL in germany when someone is diagnosed with coeliac disease other coeliacs will chase and try and hit them with bread to make them feel welcomed.

It's called gluten tag.

What do they call pastors in Germany

German shepherds

The worst piece of bread I ever tried was in Germany.

It was *guten*\-free.

An old joke from Germany, when Trump jad just became President...

Trump is on Europe tour. He stops by in Germany and visits Mrs. Merkel in the german pariament; the 'Bundestag'.

He sees that everything there is working out just fine, so he asks her: "How do you do that?"
"What?", she asks.
"That everything works out so well?"

"Oh, that's easy....

What do you call a group of males from Germany?

Germen

A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he was looking for a job."

The German doctor replies: "That's nothing. In Germany, we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he was looking for a job."

The Russian doctor replies: "Well, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he was looking for a job."

The...

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Why was Hitler mad when Germany lost the war?

He did Nazi it coming.

Germany is a pretty weird country. If you deny the Holocaust, you go to jail.

But if you organize one, you are promoted to Reich Chancellor.

What do you get when you combine Finland and Germany?

You get a finger!

Did you hear about new electric car from Germany?

It’s called a Voltswagen.

(Credit for this: Alexa this morning)

What do you do if you can't afford to fly from Germany to the UK?

euro

An old Jewish man is lying on his deathbed with his wife Becky by his side. He looks to Becky and says "Many years ago Becky we were in Germany when the war began. Becky, you were by my side.

The Germans came and take us to their camps. Becky, you were by my side.

We leave Germany after the war and we come to London and we have very little money. Becky, you were by my side.

We buy the jewelers shop and we have some bad times, we were beaten and robbed. Becky, you were...

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Q. What did Hitler do with people who had ADHD in Nazi Germany?

A. He sent them to a concentration camp.

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What happens when a furry takes over nazi germany?

The Furred reich

Last night, I dreamt of going to Germany with my family. When we arrived, the airport guards pinned us down and started beating us with sausages.

It was truly my wurst nightmare.

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A Jew is riding in a streetcar in Germany during the early days of the Third Reich.

He is reading reading a Nazi newspaper, the Volkische Beobachter. A non-Jewish acquaintance sits down next to him and says, "Why on earth are you reading that garbage? It’s so virulently anti-Semitic!” “Look, friend," says the Jew, "I get up early and work hard in a factory all day. When I get home,...

I decided to become a school teacher after moving to Germany.

Kids there are kinder.

Why did Germany invade Hungary in WW2

They were jealous of the Hung-Aryans

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What was a nazi dictator ship other than 1940s Germany?

The Bismarck

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Why did Germany lose ww2?

Hitler didn’t have the balls to go on

Germany announces a new health ministry to aid in combatting COV19

From today, all research dedicated to battling COV19 will be carried out under the Robert Cough foundation

Well, a father and son from Germany went to a zoo in Australia

So upon arrival the little son pointed at the first animal he saw. Staring at a kangaroo he asked: "Daddy what is this animal called?"

"Well, my son, this animal lives especially in Australia and it's called a dangerou." answered dad.

The son looked around and saw a lion standing on a ...

My least favorite food?

Sausage, specifically from Germany.

They're the wurst.

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Russian grandfather tells a war story to his grandson

Russian grandfather tells a war story to his grandson:

— Once me, a British and an American soldier were conducting a secret operation in Nazi Germany. We were caught, and the Nazis gave us an ultimatum: they will fuck us in the ass and then free or we will be hanged.
The British soldier ...

This one is a bit of a long one so just bear with me. It is a joke commonly said among post soviet people

Stalin sits at his usual table, in the glorius kremlin studying the map of eastern germany. His pencil sitting proudly beside him. Comrade Stalin looks away for a split second, and the pencil is gone! Stalin takes out a second pencil and places it on the table. Looks the other way again and the seco...

A man and his son walk into a bar in Germany

The bartender says "we don't serve your kind here"

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I was on vacation walking my dog on a beach in Germany when the dog decided to run in and was taken by the current

I don’t know how to swim so I screamed for help and luckily a local German jumped in after him. The man got the dog out of the water and immediately started twisting the dogs ear while slapping its ass as I sat there crying. Spontaneously my dog stood up and started breathing again and ran into my a...

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Okay so this joke is one that is from WW2 Germany by the poor bastard Germans who did not want the Nazis in power.

Hitler, being a landscape painter, enjoyed going on drives with his driver and looking at the countryside. So out one day he points out a beautiful mountain and while he is telling his driver why it is so pretty the driver hits and kills a pig.
The driver just wants to drive off... he is with Hit...

Germany and France go to war. Who loses?

Belgium

Q. Why did Germany provide aid to artists hit by coronavirus?

A. They know what happen when painter suffer setbacks.

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A drunk American was pissing on a street in Germany

When a German girl walks by and screams “Ah Nein! “ The American guy says, “I’m flattered but I think it’s closer to 8.”

I was home alone, staying with a friend, on holiday in Germany when the phone suddenly rang...

“I am the viper. I am coming in three days.”
I thought it was a prank call, so gave it no thought. I laughed at the peculiarity and hung up.
The next day, I was alone in my friend’s house again, when the phone rang for a second time.
“I am the viper. I am coming in two days.”
This time, ...

Today I learned Italians have more than 250 specific hand gestures to communicate non-verbally, I asked my German friend if they had anything like it in Germany..

He said they have one but they are not allowed to use it

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What do Germans love about Americans?

When you say Nazi, people no longer think of Germany.

A mother is helping her son study for a test : She asks him "What is the capital of Germany?"

He replies "Berlin."

She then asks "What is the capital of France?"

He replies "Berlin."

She asks "What is the capital of Russia?"

He replies "Berlin."

She then hugs him and says "Great job Adolf, you'll do so well on your geography exam!"

Germany has banned the word good

Apparently they're going Guten free.

I'll take this down if people want me to. I don't know where else to post this, so I figured here is ok. How do you get to Germany?

You go straight down the road and take the 3rd Reich.

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[Classic Old Joke] The son of an Arab oil tycoon joined a university in Berlin, after a month he sent an email to his dad.

'Dear Dad,

Germany is fine and the college is great. But I feel embarrassed to drive my gold plated Lamborghini to college when most of the students and even professors arrive by train'

Few hours later, he gets an email from his dad.

'Dear son ,

I just transferred $200 mi...

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An East German joke:

The Leader of East Germany, Erich Honecker, opens his window in the morning and sees the sun.

Honecker: "Good Morning, sun"
The sun: "Good Morning, Honecker"

At noon,
Honecker opens the window again and says: "Good day to you sun"
The sun replies: "Good day to you, Honecker”...

Whats the most common occupation in Germany?

Poland

The most German joke I know (source: am German): Why are there so few crimes in Germany?

Because its illegal.


edit: danke kind stranger for the gold, I will put it in my grandchildrens Sparbuch of course

edit2: the thing with the anti joke is that its not really an anti joke in German, what makes it more hilarious, for, you know... Germans.

Bosnian guy called Sakib just started working as a car salesman in Germany

Bosnian guy called Sakib just started working as a car salesman in Germany.

First day passes by and Sakib sells 10 cars to some Chinese guys. His boss is shocked, and then ask him: "Sakib, how did you sell 10 cars?" To which Sakib replies: "Boss, all people around the globe know me." Boss jus...

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Linguists from France, Italy, and Germany were debating which language was the most beautiful.

The German representative was waving his hand frantically to be chosen to speak, when the French representative began to speak.

"French is certainly sublime. Consider the word Papillon. How could the word for butterfly be more beautiful than the butterfly itself”

The German is dying ...

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3 jews are trying to escape Germany [OC I hope]

3 jews are trying to escape Germany during ww2, but they get lost and are unable to find the border.

While walking they see a gestapo officer.

"I'm going to ask him where the border is" says the first of the jews. The other 2 try to stop him but he won't listen and runs off to ask the...

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A Soviet Spy has been captured in Nazi Germany, and is being interrogated by an SS officer.

A Russian-Speaking Ukrainian Kapo was brought in by the SS officer to be an interpretor.

The officer asks the spy,

"Tell us what information you have stolen, who you deliver it to, and where you deliver it!"

The Kapo translates this message, and the Soviet Spy responds,

"...

There was a joke telling contest in Germany

Nobody laughed, but it was very well organized.

An american farmer visits Germany

In a rural area he comes across a small village bar. He goes in and orders himself a drink, when he notices the man next to him also looks like a farmer.



"Are you a farmer?" he asks the man.



"Ja, I am a farmer" the man replies.



"How big is your farm?" the...

A woman in Germany is Skinny-Dipping in a lake...

A woman in Germany is skinny dipping in a local lake, when she notices a police officer waving to her from the bank. "Excuse me, Fräulein," he says. "You can't swim in this lake. It's illegal."

Mortified, the woman says, "Couldn't you have told me that before I stripped naked?!"

The of...

What's the country with the highest incidence of mid-leg infection in the entire world?

Germany

I was lost wandering by foot in Germany after my car broke down..

... When I came across a party where they were serving cheese and sausages. I suppose you could call it a wurst-Käse scenario.

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Nazi Germany sponsored a program for less fortunate kids to travel to the Far East.

it was called "youth in Asia".

Do you know why Wholefoods isn't expanding to Germany?

Gluten tag!

(This is my first joke)

There was an English teacher teaching in Germany.

On the first day. He taught them all the words beginning with A. On the second day he taught them all the words beginning with B. After the third day, which was words with C. He thought to himself. “I wonder how they’re going to handle ‘D-day’”

The true reason behind why Germany 's government aid artist in time of crisis

Because they have seen what an artist from Austria was capable of during the great recession.


P.s go read some ww2 history if u dont get it

Joke I stole from r/worldpolitics A joke circulating in Germany:

What borders on
stupidity?

Mexico and Canada

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I used to have a girlfriend from Germany

She was really into the Olympics and she would actually rate me on my performance in bed. The best I ever did, was the night I slipped it into her butt. She kept screaming 9! 9! 9!

Germany's failure in the World Cup wasn't that surprising

They have always struggled to progress in Russia.

How do cows greet each other in Germany?

Gluten tag.

It took awhile, but Germany has finally emerged as a leading democratic world power.

Clearly they understood that it takes three Reich turns to make a left.

I think Germany was the best prepared country for Covid-19.

They already have a tradition of greeting each other at a distance.

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Warning: no pun alert, I repeat: not a pun

A man from Serbia was working in Germany for about ten years now and he was getting nostalgic for his home country so he went to the boss and said to him: " Boss, I have been woking hard all of these years and I would like to have a 2 week vacation to return to Serbia". Boss approved his wish so he ...

Conspiracy theorists in Germany believe the government plans to do mandatory vaccinations against Corona. That's laughable.

I'm certain they'll put something in the tap water.

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I am insecure about my penis size, and going to a naked park in Germany didn’t help

Just as I was beginning to feel confident, a group of german girls walked by, pointed at my dick, and said “gross”.

Now I think it’s too small *and* it looks gross.

over the The next 3 months, there's going to be a drought in Germany

Definitely looks like a Drei season

Do you know why the ketchup industry is thriving in Germany this year?

Heinz' zeit is 2020

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Knock Knock Jokes in Nazi Germany

Knock knock

Who is there?

*kicking the door in
WE ASK ZE QUESTIONS!

The stupid criminal hall of shame.

STUPID-CRIMINAL HALL OF SHAM:

Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene a...

A brittish boat is nearby a port in Germany and calls for help on the radio:

-WE ARE SINKING! WE ARE SINKING!
The german replies:
-Wat are you sinking about?

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If the Great War was a bar fight

Germany, Austria and Italy are standing together in the middle of a pub when Serbia bumps into Austria and spills Austria's pint. Austria demands Serbia buy it a complete new suit because there are splashes on its trouser leg. Germany expresses its support for Austria's point of view. Britain recomm...

During allied invasion in occupied Germany, about dozen Soldiers stormed in to a house and there were two young beautiful looking girls in early 20's and their grandmother..

Scared but determined the two young girls said to the soldiers "Do what yall please with us...Spare our grandmother"

Grandmother : "Shut up Jimbos.. This is war"

TIL that fanta was created during WWII, when Coke Germany invented a way to efficiently process juice.

You should have seen Adolf's face when he realised he had misheard his receptionist.

If Germany was the Fatherland and the Soviet Union was the Motherland,

does that make WWII domestic violence?

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A blind dude took a trip to Germany,

Call that shit not-see Germany

I found out why Germany is handling the pandemic so well.

They wash their Hans.

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I'm hoping for a peaceful transition of power if Trump looses.

Just like Germany did in April 30, 1945.

Why is fruit squash banned in Germany?

They have a bad history with concentrated juice

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My dog nearly drowned in Germany until...

This guy jumped in the freezing lake and pulled him out. He swam back to shore about 30 seconds later, with my dog. I thanked him dearly and he said "You're welcome" in a thick German accent. I asked him if he's a vet. He responded with "Wet? I'm fucking soaking"

In Germany it’s frowned upon to manhunt people named Kyle

It’s in poor taste to seek Kyle

A german made navigation app issues an update to fix an issue.

The issue was when people wanted to go to france and they were in germany, the app sent them through belgium

It was hard talking to someone in East Germany in 1961.

I come from the West and man, it was like talking to a brick wall.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend is visiting Germany this week. I suggested he might want to make it a permanent move.

There's fewer Nazis over there.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A popular joke in Nazi Germany

A Nazi Bigwig is on a diplomatic trip through Switzerland and notices a large government building. He asks his guide what agency it is.

The guide replies: "It's the head quarters of the marines"

The Nazi is surprised and laughs. "Why does Switzerland need a ministry of marines?"
...

My grandfather survived the Holocaust in Germany.

Then he quickly moved to Argentina.

Do you know what they call a bra in Germany?

Kepzemfromfloppin

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An art student in Germany applies for a Fine Arts Academy.

The headmaster assures the student that his work is great, and his mind is exceptional.

But he tells the student the university has already received too many students for this year so unfortunately his application is denied.

The student grows a somber look on his face, leans in and say...

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Why was 6 afraid of 7?

I've told this story to many naive greens before me, so self-absorbed in their own notions of human conflict and the meaning of war. Whenever I finish the tale they're always pale as Lyndon B's corrupt lyin' ass. I can't blame 'em. This story kept me up throughout my whole deployment in those damn j...

Which country has the most bacteria?

Germany

Germany owed a massive debt to France after the treaty of Versailles

One day, Germany couldn't afford to pay the weekly payment to France. So France gathered a band of soldiers and rode into a small town in Rhineland on trucks, hoping to find anything valuable as reparation. After inspecting the town for a brief moment, they took its tram tracks and street lamps back...

If Germany is fatherland and Russia is mother land

Then WW2 is domestic violence

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Hitler once ran a race against the top German athletes, and they all slowed down to let him win.

He thought he was the fascist man in Germany.

Growing up in Germany, we always had this game that we'd play where we'd run around and hit each other with bread

Man, I miss Gluten Tag

Why is Germany the most grateful country?

Because in WWII they sent their tanks in advance

In mother amarica you remove the polish with chemicals.

In fatherland germany we remove the Polish with chemicals.

A vegan was flying to Germany and discovered the airline had forgotten his special meal. He had no choice but to eat the only meal available: sausage and cheese.

It was a Wurst-Käse scenario.

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Trump want to know the secret of Angela Merkels success when visiting her in Germany

she tells him: well it's pretty easy, You just have to gather a lot of smart people around yourself.

"How do you know so fast if they are intelligent" Trump asks.

Merkel: " let me demonstrate it"

She grabs the telephone calls Wolfgang Schäuble and asks him a question: " Mr. Sch...

What is the difference between Germany and the bermuda triangle?

The bermuda triangle has three points.

During WWI, an English fighter pilot is shot down over Germany

...the accident is terrible, and he wakes up as a prisoner in the hospital, badly injured. The German Dr. arrives: " Ve haf bad news - ve haf to amputate your arm".
The English pilot responds: "Oh no, that's bloody unfortunate. Can you do me a favor, - have one of your pilots drop it off over...

A Scotsman, an Englishman, and an Irishman

A Scotsman, an Englishman, and an Irishman - all commandos, are parachuting into Germany in WW2.

They land in a field and are spotted by a German soldier who gives pursuit. Their only hiding spot a nearby barn.

They run into the barn looking for somewhere to hide and can only see 3 hem...

What did the American say to the German who was talking about how he didn't like the way things were done by Americans?

Well, that's just Europenean



*no offense to the US, Germany or Europe.

called the UPS office in Germany to ask if they were sending out my Oculus Rift

they said VR ready

How do coeliac intolerance people in Germany say hello to each other?

Gluten-Morgan

A man from Germany moved to the United States, and soon after his father passed away

He wished he could say goodbye so he went to a medium.
The medium told him that she channeled the spirit of his father, and to say what he wanted and he would hear it.
After a long speech of how sorry he was that he missed his final moments, he asked if his father said anything in return,
...

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It was in the late 1930s in Germany and a Jewish man who was sitting in a restaurant reading a Nazi newspaper.

A friend of his, who passed by, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached the newspaper reader. "Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading the Nazi newspaper?"Moshe replied, "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Jews disappearing...

Did you know that taxis in Germany can only pick up customers on special side streets?

They're called Deutschland Uber alleys.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did Hitler Defeat Germany?

I mean think about it, he did kill the leader.

Germany has varied climate

Winter is cold, Spring is sunny, Summer is hot,
And the Fall is full of soviets

NSFW My American friend told me that she had a medical condition called prolapse

Prolapse... Isn't that considered a talent in Germany???

Albert Einstein & an indian man sat next to each other on a plane.

Einstein told him that he is a great scientists from Germany. Einstein tells him

"I’ll ask you a question and if you’re not able to answer it, you will give me 5$, then you’ll ask me a question and if I’m not able to answer then I will give you 500$.”

The man thinks 5$ : 500$ seems l...

We can't let Germany get knocked out of the world cup...

Last time it happened was in 1938 and to say they took it badly is a bit of an understatement.

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My Math teacher went nuts today in Geometry class and started ranting about Japan, Italy, and Germany.

He said we need to know about the ex axis.

Do you know why Germany will send their most unwanted prisoners to Greece?

Because whenever they send something to Greece, they'll never get it back.

As chosen by voters, Germany's Berlin Zoo named their two newborn pandas "Hong" and "Kong".

Upon hearing the news, China reacted fiercely and decided to withdraw all pandas from every country back to mainland China. It was a logistical nightmare⁠ to bring all the pandas back—it was pandemonium.

As usual for Germany ...

it performs better in '14 than in '18.

My teaching career.

I used to teach history, but thats all in the past.

I started teaching biology but my heart wasn't in it.

I tried teaching chemistry, but there were elements i didnt understand.

I was offered a job teaching maths, but something didn't add up.

I was sent to Germany to ...

When you’re alone in Germany being approached by a group of old men

You have to fear the wurst

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