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A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."

He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."

She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats al...

I’m American, and I’m sick of people saying America is “the stupidest country in the world.”

Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.

North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they’re brainwashed by the government and the media.

When every American knows that America is the best country in the world.

UK is a very generous country

It is the largest supplier of Independence day to countries around the world.

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The king of a country has planted a razor in the queen's vagina in order to find out which guard she is cheating with.

in the evening, while she is sleeping.

Next day comes, and he orders them to get undressed to check on their penises, and sees that each one's was cut except for a single one's. The king yells:

\- Finally, a loyal guard to his king and country! All of you traitors should have followed ...

Hopefully, Biden will never be the leader of my country

Because if he is, something‘s gone wrong with the Canadian legal system

If Biden is elected, I'm leaving the country

If Trump is reelected, I'm leaving the country.

This is not a political post. I just want to travel.

People in North Korea are so brainwashed by the government and controlled news thinking their country is great. Outsiders know better.

That is why I am glad to live in the greatest country in the world, America.

Someone told me to go back to my own country

So Iran

Which country has the most oil?

Greece

Today our leaders closed of the southern border preventing people from coming to our country for a better life a better education and much needed health care!

As a Canadian I am outraged!

Pakistan is such a weird country

It's a Muslim country but their capital is Islamabad?

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A fat women was riding her bike very fast down a hill in the country near my home, I yelled out "COW" the bitch gave me the finger

She ploughed straight into the cow.......tried warning her

Country boy is late for school class

and teacher asks him "Why are you late? Where have you been?"

\- "I had to bring cow to be inseminated by a bull."

\- "Couldn't your father do it?"

\- "I guess he could but I though bull would do a better job."

There was a poetry competition final with two contestants, a university student and an old country man.

They each had 20 seconds to come up with a poem about Timbuktu.

The student goes first and says " Across the desert sands, crossed a lonely caravan, men on camels two by two, destination Timbuktu."

The crowd goes wild cheering for the poem.

The old country man then goes, "Tim...

A Rabbi, a Hindu and a lawyer were driving late at night in the country when their car suddenly breaks-down. They set out to find help, and come to a farmhouse. When they knock on the door, the farmer explains that he has only two beds, and one of the three has to sleep in the barn with the animals.

The three quickly agree. The Rabbi says he would sleep in the barn and let the other two have the beds. Ten minutes after the Rabbi leaves, there's a knock on the bedroom door. It's the Rabbi, exclaiming, "I can’t sleep in the barn; there is a pig in there. It's against my religion to sleep in the s...

Putin lands in a foreign country and approaches the immigration desk

The border official reads through his passport and asks: "Occupation?"

Putin: "No, just visiting."

What do you call a country full of lazy people?

A procrastination

As a Canadian, sometimes I worry my country will get taken over by the US

If it did, I'd be in a sorry state.

Due to the results of this election I'm jetting this country and most of my friends and family will never see me again

Sincerely,

Donald Trump

An African man visits his friend in the US

“I just flew in yesterday” the African man says “And boy are my arms tired!”

“You know, that’s kind of an old joke here in America” replied his friend.

“Joke?” The African man said. “I’ve been holding my hands in the air yelling ‘don’t shoot’ ever since I got to this damn country”.

A guy is driving down an empty country road

A guy is driving down a country road when a vulture swoops unexpectedly in front of him. It hits his windshield, cracking it and making a huge mess. The bird rolls onto the roof and bounces towards the rear of the car, ending up hitting a state trooper’s car that was behind the guy’s car. The troope...

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A Drive in the Country

A man and a woman meet at a bar and are having a great time. The woman says, "I know a place a few miles outside of the city where we can get loud and crazy.

They get in his car and drive about 10 miles. The woman teases his cock the whole time he is driving. When they arrive the woman says,...

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A guy goes into the US Postal Services to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."


"OK, have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."
The interviewer says, "that will give you 5 extra points toward empl...

What are the two steps to marrying a country girl?

First; a tractor.


Next; fertilizer.

Mark and his wife were driving along a country road.

They weren't speaking to each other due to an earlier argument. As they passed a particularly rural stretch, they spotted a couple of monkeys in the treetops. "Relatives of yours?", asked Mark sarcastically.

"Yes," she replied. "My in-laws."

What African country is the most eco-friendly?

A Hint: The one who's always Mad At Gas Cars

A traveling salesman is driving down a country road one day, and spies a farmhouse with a pig sty just off the front porch.

Finding this to be a little odd, he slows down to take a closer look, and sees a single, well cared-for pig in the sty. Odder still, on closer inspection, he sees that the pig has one wooden leg.

Consumed with curiosity, he heads up the driveway to the farmer's home, hops out of his car, and ...

India is a very peaceful country.

Because nobody has any beef over there.

"Yeah. Those animals across our southern border have ruined their own country and our trying to invade and ruin ours. With their rampent guns and drugs... their government has become a shambles of nut job military and rich drug addicts who don't care about anyone!

Eh?"

What do you say to people who threaten to leave the country, if Trump loses?

Good Biden.

What country has the fastest growing population?

Ireland. It's Dublin every year.

A fellow was walking along a country road when he came upon a farmer working in his field. The man called out to the farmer "How long will it take me to get to the next town?"

The farmer didn't answer. The guy waited a bit and then started walking again. After the man had gone about a hundred yards, the farmer yelled out "About 20 minutes.”

“Thank you. But why didn't you tell me that when I asked you?"

“Didn't know how fast you could walk".

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What do you call a country filled with Redditor’s

The US Virgin Islands

What’s a Russian online portal where you can see what shows aren’t available in your country?

Nietflix.

How many country musicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Four.

One to actually change the lightbulb and three to sing a song about how good the old one used to be.

We need good rulers in our country

All the rulers are mismeasuring.

A man and his friends are at the country club when the phone rings...

The man picks up the phone and says "Hi honey, how are you doing"
The woman says "Hello sweetie, I found some new shoes that cost $90, can I buy them?"
The man replies "Sure hon"
The woman then says "Also the new purse I wanted is here and cost $980, can I buy them?"
The man repl...

Every other country simply does not understand why the United States keeps making such a big deal about 9/11...

"Never forget", "Fallen Heroes", "forever in our hearts",

Big woop, it means nothing to us.

the 9th of November is just as boring as any other day

Did anyone hear about that country who started using balloons as currency?

They ended up with a massive inflation problem.

If a foreign enemy attacked the United States and killed 180K+ citizens, the whole country, Republicans and Democrats, would most likely join together into defeating it...

Oh wait, never mind.

Jack emigrates to a strange new country in search of a job.

When he arrives at the terminal, the customs officer gives him one piece of strange advice before he enters the country.

“Whatever you do, don’t step on a duck”

Jack thought this advice was strange, but as he walked out the airport he saw thousands of ducks flood his view, so much so t...

What do you call a sapling that betrayed it's country?

Treason

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A guy on a worktrip in a country town gets invited to a party

A local approaches him at a bar and says

"hey man, I can tell you aint from round here so I just thought I would be neighborly and let you know there's a party at the barn tonight, should be a good time. Gunna be some fighting, drinking and fuckin"


The man replies "wow thats fucki...

How do you get a country girl’s attention?

A tractor.

A man is driving down a country road...

... and his car suddenly breaks down. He pulls over and starts to look under the hood when he hears a voice from behind.

"Looks like your timing chain broke"

He turns around and is surprised to see a horse standing there and nobody else around.

The man runs away scared and reach...

My country is a world leader in counter-intelligence.

Also in counter-science.

The spread of coronavirus within a country depends on two factors:

1) How dense the country’s population is
2) How dense the country’s population is

A foreign country's leader was cooking a small pot of prime ribs

While cooking, he stirred the pot. It was a prime mini stir

(might be a repost idk) What do you call a rain from another country

For-ain

If Russia wants to be the first country to produce a vaccine ...

....Then Soviet

The protests in Hong Kong have been continuous for 160 days, proving the country does not belong to China.

Because nothing made in China has ever lasted more than a week.

Kim Jong Un proudly tells his advisors:“North Korea will be the first country to send people to the sun!”

His advisors break out in applause. Meanwhile Donald Trump is watching this live on TV. He calls Kim Jong Un and asks him:

“How are you going to send people to the sun? It’s too hot!”

Kim Jong Un replies by saying to his advisors:

“What an idiot! We can send them at night!”
<...

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What do you call a Mr Potato Head who rules a country with a violent autocracy?

A Dick-Tater.

A new twist on an old joke.

Scientists recently did a study on the effects the right side and left side of a brain had on counting.
They first took out the left half of a man's brain and asked him to count to 10.

He says, ‟2, 4, 6, 8, 10”.

They put the left half back in and removed the right half, asking him...

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This one is from a famous comedian in my country

Two medical students notice an old man in the sidewalk. The old man has a hand in his hat, another in his butt and is having trouble walking. One student says to the other:

\- You see that? That is a clear case of Polio.

\- Nah, that is definitely femoral dysplasia.

The students...

What country does not accept cash or credit cards?

The Czech Republic

A man is driving around the backwoods and he sees a sign in front of an old, shanty style house that says - “Talking dog for sale.”

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog t...

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WW2. An Italian bishop is visiting a cloisters shortly after the liberation of the country...

He meets with the mother superior and asks her how she and the nuns did during the nazi occupation.

"Oh it was terrible, father. First came the fascists and violated all, but sister Rosa. Then it was the Germans, and they too violated all, but sister Rosa. Then came the partisans ...

Joke from my country, hope it translates well

A man walks into the doctors office, and he sees the doctor smoking his lungs off, the whole room is smokey.
The doctor asks him how he feels, and the man says:"Doctor, my lungs are hurting. Can you help?"
The doctor says:"Well, do you smoke?"
The man says yes, and the doctor continues:"We...

Walking through Chinatown, a backpacker saw a Chinese laundry with the sign: "Sigurd Kristiansen's Laundry"

'Sigurd Kristiansen? How the hell does that name fit in here?' he wondered.
So he decided to check it out. He entered to see an elderly Chinese man behind the counter.
'How did this Chinese laundry get a name like "Sigurd Kristiansen's Laundry"?' the backpacker asked.
The elderly Chinese re...

Why is England the wettest country?

Because the queen has reigned there for years

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A Single Guy Moves From New York City to the DEEP Country

He is so tired of city life he decides to move to the middle of nowhere and try something new. He buys a plot of land with a small farmhouse and 100 acres.

As he is unpacking his UHaul, he sees an old beat up truck kicking up dust down the dirt road. The truck turns on his lane and a man ge...

An American working in London visits a rural pub in the west country

There are three farmers sitting at a table and he can't help but overhear their discussion.

"I reckons its like TrrrrrrrrrUUUUUUUMMMP!" says the first farmer ending the sound with a triumphant squeaking crescendo

"No no, it's more like Trrrrrruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuoooooomp" responds the ...

The country of France is laying in a hospital bed.

A doctor comes in and says,"I've got some bad news. It looks like you're not going to make it. Do you have any immediate family that we need to contact?"

France sighs and replies,"I have no immediate family, but I do have a Nice"

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What do you call an asshole potato ruling a country?

A dick tater

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A marine general, an army general, and a navy admiral were discussing who had the toughest men...

The army general says, "Alright, I'll prove the army has the toughest men in the country. Private, get over here!"

The private reports as ordered, "Yes sir?"

The general says, "See that man over there? Kill him!"

Without hesitating, the private kills the man.

The gener...

A tourist found himself in a sleepy little country village.

He approached one of the locals and asked to take him to the oldest inhabitant.


The villager replied, ' Well sir, we ain't got one now. He died last week.'

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A boy from the country attended the prestigious university in the city.

With his degree, he got prizes in mathematics and metaphysics. The lad's father came up to the college to see his son graduate.

"Weel, Dr. Thompson" asked the old farmer to a professor, "And what may these mathematics be for which my son has getten a prize?"

"Mathematics is to do with ...

A lot of people mistake Johnny Cash for a country artist.

I understand though, as far as genres go he walks the line.

a Country Boy visited the City and met a girl in a Bar who invited him back to her house,

When they got there, she undressed and told him to get naked too.

She said: "Let's start with a 69"

The Country Boy replied: "What's that?"

With that she got him into position, and they went at it

Within a minute of starting, the City Girl felt a fart coming on

S...

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A man is speeding down a country lane...

At one point the police stops him.

"I have to get you a speeding ticket!"

The man begs him to turn a blind eye ...

The policeman replies: "Look ... I really like riddles. If you know exactly how to answer this riddle, I won't get you a ticket!"

The man gets ready up and c...

What's the best country in the world?

The USA

After 25 years away, a man comes back to his home country for the holidays.

He decides to explore his old neighborhood, and when he reaches the building where he used to live, he notices that the shoemaker's shop across the street has not changed a bit.

All sorts of memories arise to the surface of his mind as he used to pass this shop everyday. And then he remembers...

Two Chinese guys are sitting somewhere in Hongkong, discussing about their country's politics.

yeah that's actually the joke

Four guys are driving cross country together.

One each from Idaho, Iowa, Florida, and New York.

A bit down the road the man from Idaho starts to pull potatoes from his bag and throws them out the window.

The man from Iowa asks, "What are you doing?" The man from Idaho says, "We have so many of these in Idaho they're laying around ...

In a certain country, there are specialized manufacturing villages

There are shoes village, candy village, light bulb village... Deeper in the mountains there are villages that even produce things like air conditioners or TVs.
But the most rural one is the remote village.

4 million of these people enter our country every year. They are uneducated, unskilled and contribute nothing. They are a burden to honest, hardworking Americans and our government is doing nothing to stop them, not to mention they're dirty and they smell bad. THEY DON'T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH!!

Man, I hate babies...

Do you know what a really cool name for a country would be?

Chad

The weather in your country may be wet,

but German weather will always be 'wetter'.

English is not first language want to try joke from my country

Why did snoop dog not have a pretty green American yard?

Because he don’t love no hose.

Tired of constant blonde jokes, a blonde dyes her hair brown. She then goes for a drive in the country and sees a shepherd herding his sheep across the road.

"Hey, shepherd, if I guess how many sheep are here, can I keep one?"

The shepherd is puzzled but agrees. She blurts out "352!"

He is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick a sheep.

"I'll take this one," she says proudly. "It's the cutest!"

"Hey lady," says the ...

A racist, a murderer, and a wife beater walk into a bar

The bartender says, "what can I get you officer?"

America is a free country!

Shipping fees not included.

Told my blonde girlfriend that the average family in a third world country lives off just £1.25 a day.

She said, "And I thought you were frugal..."

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Just bought my new car stereo, which is voice activated.

If I shout "country" it plays Dolly Parton, if I shout "rock" it plays Guns and Roses. I was driving through town the other day when some children ran out in front of me, I shouted "FUCKING KIDS!" and it started playing Michael Jackson.

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Timmy was asked to do presentation about corruption in a country.

He wrote on the whiteboard:
-A country is like a family
-Government is the mother who manage the family.
-Capitalist is like the father who earns money for family.
-The maid is the working class.
-I am the citizen while my baby brother is the future of family.

Intrigued, the te...

An American and a Russian were talking in a bar

The American began to boast about his country, claiming it's the land of the free.

"I could walk straight up to the White House and shout "Death to the American President" and nothing happens to me."

Hearing this the Russian smirked

"I too can walk up to the Kremlin and shout "...

I wasn't born an American just to watch the country fade into hatred and anger.

I was born a wimp. Uh I mean a Canadian. (RIP Mitch, you'll always be missed)

A widow sees a man sunbathing at the poolside of her country club

She approaches him: "Excuse me. I don't think I've seen you here before. Are you new?"

"As a matter of fact, I am." he says. "I was in prison for 30 years."

"For what?" she asks

"I murdered my wife." he responds.

"Oh!" She exclaims. "So you're single!"

If Trump is re-elected I will stay in the country

I can't get back over the wall anyway.

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While traveling through the country, an old couple drives into a gas station.

The gas station attendant asks the old man, "Where you folks from? I know everybody in this town."

The old man says, "We're from Nebraska."

Hard of hearing, the old lady nudges her husband, "What did he say, honey?"

The old man answers her, "He asked us where we are from." ...

which country was the first to get coronavirus?

China, they got it right off the bat.

What do you call a passive communist country?

The so-be-it union (one of my original jokes)

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A Dutch, a French and a Mexican were bragging about their countries...

The Dutchman says, "we have tulips in our country so beautiful that'd astound you". The other two say, "your tulips are nothing, we wipe our butts with those!".
The Frenchman says,"we've got irises in our country so delicate that'd amaze you". The other two say, "your irises are nothing, we wipe ...

which Asian country do neckbeards love the most

M'laysia

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