England has no kidney bank but...

It does have a Liverpool

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

President Trump met the Queen of England in her palace

Trump: “Your Majesty, any tips you can give me to prevent slow down in economy ?"


"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."


Trump frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me are intelligent?" ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In medieval England, a soldier was going to war without any legguards and his dick sticking out

The commander asked:
"What is the meaning of this Henry?"

Henry replied:
"A wise man once told me,'penis mightier than sword'"

Pittsburgh, New England and Oakland have the same blood type

AB Negative.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Queen of England is taking a tour of an American hospital when she spots a patient furiously masturbating through an open door.

Her Majesty: "What's going on here? This is absolutely appalling."

Nurse: "Actually, Your Highness, it's for medicinal purposes. This patient has a very serious condition, and if he doesn't orgasm at least once every eight hours, his testicles will swell and cause fatal clotting."

Her ...

A tourist driving across rural England decided to stay the night in a small town.

The only place with rooms available was a quaint English pub, The George and Dragon, which had a lovingly painted sign with a Knight beside a defeated dragon blowing in the evening breeze.

Entering the bar room, which while empty had a roaring fire against the back wall, leather padded booths...

Why does England feel like it's two months ahead of us?

It's only March 28th here, but in England it feels like it's the end of May.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The surnames of England

The surnames of England will tell you a lot about what sort of people they are, and of what sort of things they're proud of: The Bakers, for example, came from a prominent line of breadmakers; The Masons were all very fine stoneworkers; But among the English people, no surname is held in higher rega...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Donald Trump visits the Queen of England

Donald Trump visits the Queen of England and is amazed how nice everything is. He asks her: How do you run your country in such a nice way?

She answers: Oh that's easy. I surround myself with smart people. Could someone send in my prime minister please?

Boris Johnson enters the room an...

What's the difference between a tea bag and the German football team?

A tea bag stays in the cup for longer...

Bit of British humour right there ;)

EDIT: happy to see this joke made people laugh, yes it's a classic joke but England have mainly been on the receiving end of it so nice to turn it around on someone else for a change (sorry Germany)

Th...

I’m driving through England on a tour, and will be stopping at Greenwich tomorrow.

No idea what to do in the Mean Time.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between England and Viagra?

Viagra can get you past a semi

Does England have a 4th of july?

Yes they do, and a July 5th and a July 6th.

What's the best thing about England?

The road back to Scotland

Why aren't there any guns in Harry Potter?

Because Hogwarts is in England not America.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Arab boy is speaking with his father.

“Father, why do we wear these shawls on our head?”

“To keep the harsh sun off our scalp” He answers.

“What about these long robes father?”

“To protect us from the blistering wind that carries stinging sand.” Father says patiently.

“And our sandals?”

“To shield our ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

England, Scotland and Ireland all walk into a bar and order a Pint.

After a minute or so the barkeep brings them their drinks. They all look down and find a fly in their drinks.

England turns its nose up at the drink and pushes it away, Scotland shrugs its shoulders and flicks the fly out, But Ireland grabs the fly by the wings and while shaking it shouts "S...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Going to start naming my penis England

Because it can only achieve a semi

Why is it easy to beat England in a war?

Because you always hit the Mark.

Why did the conjoined twins take a trip to England?

So the other one could drive.

A blonde rings up an airline and asks: "How long are your flights from America to England?"

The woman on the other end of the phone replies: "Just a minute". The blonde thanks her and hangs up the phone.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(Long) Donald Trump has a meeting with the Queen of England...

...And he says 'Your majesty, I think America is the greatest country, all the people, I've asked say so, all over the world, and they all agree, we should become, a Kingdom!'

The Queen looks at him and says 'Mr Trump, in order to become a Kingdom you need a King, and you are certainly not a ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

George Bush meets with the Queen of England during his first diplomatic trip to England.

Impressed by the way her government functions, he asks her during their meal : “Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?”

“Well,” says the Queen, “the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people.”

Bush frown...

England and France decided to end the war...

... by making two cats swim across the river. The first cat to get to the other side wins the war for his country. English cat’s name was OneTwoThree and French cat’s name was UnDeuxTrois. OneTwoThree won the competition because UnDeuxTrois cat sank.

What's the difference between Big Ben and the Queen of England?

One is inhuman, intricately decorated, and exists only to mark the passage of time.



The other one's a clock.

An American visiting in England asked at the hotel for the elevator.

The portiere looked a bit confused but smiled when he realized what the man wanted.

"You must mean the lift," he said.

"No," the American responded. "If I ask for the elevator I mean the elevator."

"Well," the portiere answered, "over here we call them lifts".

"Now you l...

TIL children of royalty had to stay a certain distance away from they parents in early England...

It was known as restricted heirspace.

President Obama goes to visit the Queen of England.

As Air Force One arrives at Heathrow Airport, President Obama is warmly welcomed by the Queen. They are driven in a car to the edge of central London, where they get into a magnificent seventeenth-century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on toward Buckingham Palace and wave to the...

Mike and his pregnant wife live on a farm in a rural area in the west of England. No running water, no electricity, etc. One night, Mikes' wife is beginning to deliver the baby

The local doctor is there in attendance. "What d'ya want me to do, Doctor?" "Hold the lantern, Mike. Here it comes!" the doctor delivers the child and holds it up for the proud father to see.
"Mike, you're the proud father of a fine strapping boy." "Saints be praised, I..." Before Mike can fini...

What do you call an Iranian living in England?

A Ukrainian

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

During her time in the US, the Queen of England was given a tour of a hospital

During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

"Oh my Goodness!" screamed the Queen. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a s...

What country gets the exact same rain that falls on England?

Uk-raine

A Southern man goes into a New England bar.

He orders a beer and, making small talk, asks the bartender, "Did y'all go to Hahvurd?"

The bartender replies, "Yale."

"Okay," says the Southern man. "DID Y'ALL GO TO HAHVURD?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why aren’t porno movies included in the Oscars?

I mean winning an Oscar pretending to be the Queen of England is one thing, but looking like you’re enjoying two dicks in your ass, now THAT’S acting.

The Queen of England is on a cruise

When they see Christiano Ronaldo thrashing for help in the middle of the ocean, being violently attacked by a great white shark.

But before she can have her staff do anything, a speedboat comes by, and in it is Lionel Messi and Luis Suarez! They pull up to the shark and hit it with paddles ti...

While visiting England, Trump is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."

She phones Teresa May and says, "Madam, Prime Minister. Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

...

Chamomile? Here in England it's called chamo-onepointsixkilometres.

Delicious

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's Mayonnaise was manufactured in England.

In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 Jan of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico.

But as we k...

Nissan is rear-ending a Jeep in England.

Immediately from the Jeep are jumping two huge americans. They go over to the other car, pull the guy out, and start beating him. He is starting to scream:
"Come on, guys, stop!"
They continue.
He tries to stop them again, but they don't listen.
Then he says:
"Come on, guys, please st...

When England had an Emperor, it was an Empire; when it had a King, it was a Kingdom; now they have Theresa May...

...and it is a Country.

What’s the future tense of England?

Brexit.

What’s the difference between England’s football team and a tea bag

A tea bag stays longer in the cup.

A medieval worker in England was fixing the fence on the top of the castle

He decided to take a break because he was hungry.

Two knights practicing combat nearby. One of them accidentally made a mistake and got shoved into the unfixed fence.

When the fence broke, he forcefully fell down the long distance. When he got down, in his dying breath, he screamed "...

In England they drive on the left side of the road.

In new England you drive on what's left of the road.

3 spies from England, France and Italy were sent to the USSR.

After a week they were captured and put in jail. The Russians took the English spy, tied and tortured him and after 20 minutes he gave all the info.

Then the Russians took the French spy. They tied and tortured him, and after 20 minutes he too gave all the info.

Then they took the Ital...

That billionaire from New England is innocent.

He thought he was buying a hookah.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Having too much sex can result in memory loss."

I read that on page 37, paragraph five of the New England Medical Journal on September 15th, 2014 at 10:37 am.

The Queen of England is due to arrive at a state dinner in Washington D.C.

Her plane was delayed due to weather and she was 40 minutes late.

Traffic was light and she thought she could make up the time, but the driver was the slowest she ever had.

“Could you drive a bit faster,” she asked.

“No, your highness. I cannot speed.”

“I am in a bit of ...

I'm going to open a dollar store in England

It'll be called Pound Town.

New England Patriots’ Robert Craft is charged with soliciting prostitution.

He just wanted to show the masseuse where he wears his 6th super bowl ring.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] WARNING to all men in Northwest England.

There is a scam going on in supermarket car parks all around the North West. The victim will usually be a male on his own and will usually be distracted by navigating the car park with shopping.

He will usually be approached by an attractive female in her early 20s as he enters his car. She ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The US, England and Ireland are presented with a question. Why is the head of the penis larger than the shaft?

The US funds a study for 6 months at $20 million, and concludes it is to give the man more pleasure during sex.

The British, not to be outdone by the Yankees, spend 3 months and half the money, and concludes it's to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

The Irish, not to be outdone ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

New England Patriots gates....

When they filmed the other teams practicing it was called "Spygate"

When Brady used deflated balls it was called "Deflategate"

Now that Bob Kraft is in trouble for visiting a full service massage parlor, would that be called, "Tailgate"?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A luxury airplane is flying over Europe, carrying five passengers: representatives from England, Japan, USA, Canada, and Russia.

The pilot emerges from the cockpit, interrupting their conversation. "Slowly but surely, we are falling. I will attempt to crash-land as smoothly as possible, but I urge you to jump out with a parachute."

After briefly explaining how to use the parachutes, the pilot goes back to the controls....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the official electro-pop band of the New England Patriots?

Kraftjerk

A blonde Australian tourist walks into a hairdresser's in England.

"Did you come here to dye?" the hairdresser asks her. After a little pause she replies "No, I already came here yesterday."

For Star Trek fans: What did Scotty tell Kirk when The Enterprise flew over western England?

"Thar be Wales here!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I recently traveled through time to hook-up with Queen Victoria, the famous nympho-queen of England in the late 1800's.

I was stunned to find out that she wanted me adorned in the latest fashions before we consummated our tri-millenium tryst. She made me wait until I grew large mutton-chop side-burns and a moustache. It took like three weeks. Meanwhile, she had a high fastening and tight fitting frock coat cut to ...

I'm taking the Manic Street Preachers around rural England.

If they tolerate Diss, then the Chilterns will be next.

A survey showed that England had the highest Star Wars fan base in the world...

I guess the fourth is really with them.

It’s a little-known fact that, after signing the Declaration of Independence, the Founding Fathers collectively dropped their pants, pointing their posteriors toward England

Thus the motto “E pluribus moon ‘em”

If you find 400 pounds on the street in England, you're a lucky man...

If you find 400 pounds on the street in America, you've met Phillip.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An American was invited to a Royal dinner in England

He was placed to the left of a very old, very fat Grand Duchess, with an elderly English Baron sat on her right. During the soup course, the Duchess farted. The Englishman, taking chivalrous responsibility, said "I beg your pardon."

During the fish course, the Duchess farted again, louder tha...

What's the cleanest town in England?

Bath

What do you call a bar in a town in old England?

Just a Foh King bar

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On his recent visit to England Trump is very taken with all the pomp and regalia of royalty...

So while having dinner seated next to the Queen he announces boldly that from here on in he would like the USA to be referred to as the "United Kingdom of America!"
The Queen shakes her head and says somewhat admonishingly, "My dear Donald you can't do that - you are not a King".
A bit defe...

A couple is going through a divorce and custody of the son comes into question.

The father presents evidence that the wife hits the poor boy whenever he misbehaves the slightest. The mother reveals evidence that the father would get belligerently drunk and use his belt on the boy.

The Judge suggests letting the boy live with his grandfather, but it turns out that almost ...

TIL that, in 1917, England mistook an Italian maritime transport for a German one, so they attacked it.

Whoops, wrong sub.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Following England in the world cup...

Every time England play I try to get in the spirit so when they played Tunisia I had a kebab, when they played Panama I treated myself to a cigar, when they played Belgium I pulled out the chocolates, can’t fucking wait for this Colombia game!

Did you hear the score of the England vs Ethiopia soccer game?

England 8. Ethiopia didn't

It's a good thing Breaking Bad wasn't made in England.

A show about a school teacher going to NHS for cancer treatments would suck.

The England football team went to visit an orphanage in Russia this morning.

"It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible" said Anatoly, aged 6.

If Croatia loses tomorrow, all of England will hope to beat their biggest rival on Sunday:

Liver damage

Why did the conjoined twins travel from America to England?

So the other one could finally drive.

——————-

(Source: heard it in _Man on the Moon_ movie)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sex with my wife is like the “England World Cup squad “

neither of us know why we're there or what we're doing, there's little passion or communication and we rarely even make it past the first stage.

It's often accompanied by lots of unnecessary noise, horrible dribbling and never a clean sheet.

It's always over far too quickly and when ...

If you've been a bad person in England, they will call you a pig. In America, they'll call you a sheep. In the Soviet Union...

You crane!

I've decided to go on the "England World Cup Diet"

It only lasts 5 days and you lose loads!

(England fan here using humour to cope with the pain...)

At Heathrow airport in England...

...a 300-foot red carpet was stretched out and President Putin strode to a warm but dignified hand shake from Queen Elizabeth.

They rode in a silver 1934 Bentley to the edge
of Central London where they boarded an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white horses.

As ...

Hey England, you know what oday is?

“Where’s the T?”

“We threw it in the harbor, 244 years ago”

One foggy morning on the border of England and Scotland...

...a Scottish voice came out from within the dense fog.

"Any one Scotsman can beat any 10 Englishmen."

The English general stationed at the border took offense and sent down 10 of his soldiers. There were sounds of a hell of a fight and NO ONE returned. An hour later, the same voice ...

England is a great country because they kicked out all their worst people.

They sent their religious nuts to America, their criminals to Australia and the people who would live with the French to Canada.

Big vote today in England. If Leave wins I predict :

Brexit to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium

I approach two fat ladies in england, asking them a question

"Excuse me, are you two ladies from Ireland?"

"It's Wales, you idiot!"

"Oh, I'm so sorry. Are you two whales from Ireland?"

Girls from England?

A guy walks into a bar and hears two women speaking in a British accent. He asks, "Are you ladies from England?" One says to him "No, it's Wales, you idiot!" So, then the guy says, "Okay, sorry. So, are you two whales from England?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do they call an orgy in England?

A Gloucester fuck.

A Texas farmer was touring England. He happened to meet an English farmer and asked him, "What size farm do you have?"

The Englishman proudly announced, "Thirty-five acres!"

"Thirty-five acres?" the Texan scoffed. "Why, I can get in my truck at 8:00 AM and start driving and at noon, I am still on my farm. I can eat lunch and start driving again and at 5:00 PM I am still on my farm.

"Ah, yes," the Engli...

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician see a black sheep while riding a train in England...

The engineer says: oh, there are black sheep in England

The physicist says: no... there is at least ONE black sheep in England

The mathematician says: no. In England there is at least ONE sheep of which at least ONE side of it is black

Can confirm: England Does have a 4th of July

And we even get it first!

England playing in the semis tonight,

I haven’t been this nervous about a semi since my uncle walking into the shower room

The pope goes to meet the Queen of England...

They are parading in the streets of London in a horse-drawn carriage., waving at the crowd. Suddenly on of the horses let’s out a big fart.

Queen: “So sorry...”

Pope: “Oh! If you hadn’t mentioned it, I would have thought it was the horse.”

England fans must be pretty happy right now.

They've been waiting years for their team to play like Spain.

Why was a confident man arrested in England?

He was dressed sharp.

When I die I want the England national team to be my pallbearers.

So they can let me down one last time.

When England settled her colonies how come America got Christian zealots and Australia got convicts?

Australia got first pick.

Court Ruling from the UK

A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulati...

James Bond retired and turned down a knighthood in England to live in Afghanistan where he became one of the most important men in the middle east.

Turns out he wanted to be Sheikh'en, not Sirred.

Apparently the ‘creative differences’ that lead to Danny Boyle quitting as director of the next Bond film were around his desire to involve a time travel element where 007 went back in time to Medieval England.

It was to be called: The spy who loved mead

Radio conversation in between a US Navy ship off the coast of England, and the British authorities.

BRITS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a collision.
BRITS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: This...

Why doesn't England have a great space program?

Because all their rockets landed in Iraq.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

England: colour

America: color

England: flavour

America: Flavor

England: Labour

America: Labor

England: what the fuck are you doing?

America: getting rid of u

Things that didn't exist the last time England were in the semis

iPhone

Facebook

Google

Amazon

Android

Twitter

Instagram

iPod

Yahoo

YouTube

Snapchat

Spotify

Tesla

Skype

Uber

Airbnb

Bitcoin

Fitbit

Emojis

iPad

and
.

....

A Frenchman staying at a hotel in England calls room service and asks for some pepper...

"What kind of pepper would you like, sir? Black pepper, white pepper, red pepper?" asked the manager.

He replied, "Toilette pepper!"

Why is it so windy in England?

Because Harry Kane lives there.

What are the four seasons called in New England?

Almost winter, Winter, Still winter, and 3 months of bad sledding.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.