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It cost 2 pence to use the public toilet in England during the Elizabethan Era.

2p or not to pee, that is the question.

Why did the conjoined twins move to England?

So the other one could drive.

What's the difference between a deck of cards and England?

A deck of cards isn't missing a queen.

Doc Brown and Marty McFly travel back in time to Northern England in 1298

They park behind the bushes near a field, just in time to see two armies about to clash.

"This is the Battle of Falkirk, Marty." says Doc, handing him a pair of binoculars.

Marty watches a man leading the charge into battle and asks, "Who's that guy in the face paint?"

With a te...

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The Queen of England is taking a tour of an American hospital when she spots a patient furiously masturbating through an open door.

Her Majesty: "What's going on here? This is absolutely appalling."

Nurse: "Actually, Your Highness, it's for medicinal purposes. This patient has a very serious condition, and if he doesn't orgasm at least once every eight hours, his testicles will swell and cause fatal clotting."

Her ...

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The King of France, The King of England and The King of Spain are having an argument over who has the biggest penis.

Eventually they decide to let the people judge. They all stand on a stage in front of the people and drop their pants one by one.


The King of France drops his and the French crowd shout "Vive la France!!"


The King of Spain drops his and the Spanish crowd shout "Viva Españ...

What would an English football fan do if England won the World Cup?

Stop playing FIFA and go to bed.

Before moving to England I spent some time in Poland...

It definitely helped me polish my English.

I am driving through England currently and plan to be in Greenwich tomorrow.

Not too sure what to do in The Mean Time.

I was in a bar in England, having a beer.

Two plump women walked in with an accent I hadn't yet heard during my tenure.

"Hi ladies, are ye from Scotland?" I asked.

One of the women turned towards me and snarled "It's Wales, dumb\*\*!"

"Oh, I'm really sorry!" I said. "Are you whales from Scotland?"



...T...

King Charles is the new ruler of England

He hopes he can measure up

A woman was cheating on her husband. Her husband came home early.

Her paramour had to quickly hide in the closet. When the husband and wife leave the bedroom together, the paramour thinks he's gotten away with it, but then he hears:

"Blimey, ain't it dark in here!"

( This happened to be in England. )

He realizes that their kid is also hiding i...

Why are the pyramids located in Egypt?

They were too big to transport to England.

In England, on TV, they say, “It’s 10 PM. Do you know where your children are?”

In France, on TV, they say, “It’s 10 PM. Do you know where your husband is?”

In Italy, on TV, they say, “It’s 10 PM. Do you know where your wife is?”

In Poland, on TV, they say, “It’s 10 PM. Do you know what time it is?”

A city was stolen today in the North of England

Police are desperately looking for Leeds

In class today, we’re talking about where are parents are from. I said my mom is from England and my dad is from the U.S.

“So you’re Brit-ish?”

Here's one for those born before the 1980's...

The chief of a large Western African tribe flew into London for a state visit and was being interviewed.

“Welcome to our country, Your Excellency,” said one reporter. “Did you have a good flight?”

The Chief made a strange series of sounds – bells, whistles, hisses, pings in no apparen...

How can you tell when a jet landing in Australia is from England?

When the engines are turned off the whining continues.

I once made a movie about menstrual cycles in Elizabethan England.

It was a period piece.

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Fun facts about England Fun fact: Sussex, Wessex, Essex, and Middlesex, are all named for points on a compass, South, West, East, and Middle respectively, and represent places of Saxon occupancy. That is, Wessex means West Saxons.

But why Middle and not North, you ask. Well, Little Timmy, there's no north because no one wants to be called Nosex.

A chemist goes to England for the first time

He walks into a crowded restaurant in the suburbs. He realizes he starts to get really hot, and as he wipes the sweat of his forehead he asks his waiter:

“Why is it so humid in here?”

The waiter responds “Lots of people have been moving from London recently, and everywhere is getting h...

Breaking World Cup News.

Ivan Toney has denied that the recent betting allegations cost him a place in the England Squad and states he is gutted he will not be involved in Monday's 2-2 draw with Iran..

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I love timezones

In England it's 12PM, in Germany it's 1PM and in the U.S it's 1953.

Fuck you, SCOTUS.

what's the difference between the queen of England and a cat that makes coffee?

One's an Aristocrat

The other's a Barista-Cat

A study into the impact of minimum unit pricing of alcohol in Scotland found it did not cause major bulk buying across the border in England.

Mainly because the off-licenses wouldn't take Scottish notes.

Where do New England gamers spend most of their playtime?

The Maine menu.

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Only in England.

£800 fine if you are caught at a house party during lock-down.

But reduced to £400 if paid early.

If you catch covid at the party, the government will

give you £500 to stay at home.

That's £100 profit.

This country is absolutely fucked.

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What's the difference between England and Viagra?

Viagra can get you past a semi

At a football match in England last week, my buddy tumbled over the row in front of us and hit his face on the next row of seats.

“Ahh!! I’ve got a bloody nose!” He shouted.

I responded, “yeah we all do, pal.”

Why is England the wettest country?

Because the queen has reigned there for decades.

Lets face it English is a stupid language There is no egg in the eggplant No ham in the hamburger And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England

French Fries Were Not Invented In France.

We Sometimes Take English For Granted

But If We Examine Its Paradoxes We Find That:

Quicksand Takes You Down Slowly

Boxing Rings Are Square

And A Guinea Pig Is Neither From Guinea Nor Is It A Pig.

If Writers Write, H...

What did Gandhi say while having dinner with the Queen of England?

"Could you pass the salt?"

Everything in England outside of Nottingham

is called Tingham.

A British General and his Men

A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Island Crisis.

Upon returning to England from the South American island, three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the General’s office.

“Since we weren’t actuall...

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Public Health England.

Due to the shortage of lateral flow tests available the government are going to introduce a new '1 minute self diagnostic' process.

You put one finger in your mouth, and one up your ass.

After 60 seconds swap fingers, if you can't smell or taste the difference, Isolate.

Suspicious loss

An outpouring of love at the loss of the Queen of England. But, over a dozen countries including Canada, Australia and New Zealand lost their heads of state yesterday and nobody even bats an eye. This is extremely suspicious.

A man walked into a Star Wars museum

...carrying an old rusted bucket by his side and demanded to know who was in charge.

"What can I help you with today, sir?" asked the confused curator.

"This here is an authentic piece of European history and once belonged to the King of England 1000 years ago."

"But," stutte...

England's relationship with football is a lot like the dad who went out for cigarettes.

We keep saying he is coming home. But never does.

England has no kidney bank but...

It does have a Liverpool

It might never stop raining in England

Yet german weather will be always Wetter.

My dog's mother is from England and his father is from Iran

He's a pom-iranian

What’s the queen of England favorite Minecraft item?

Totem of undying

What kind of fee does the Queen of England charge when she knights someone?

A sir charge

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The Memory Man

An Englishman was touring the USA on holiday and stopped in a remote bar in the mountains of Nevada. He was chatting to the barman when he spotted an old Indian sitting in the corner. He had tribal gear on, long white plaits, wrinkled face. “Who’s he?” asked the man.
“That’s the Memory Man.” sa...

A Englishman walks into a bar...

He walks over to two women sitting near the bar and says, "Are you two ladies from England?"

"Wales.", replies the one woman.

So the man says, "Pardon me, are you two whales from England?"

Where does the king of England keep his armies?

In his sleevies.

3 spies from England, France and Italy were sent to the USSR.

After a week they were captured and put in jail. The Russians took the English spy, tied and tortured him and after 20 minutes he gave all the info.

Then the Russians took the French spy. They tied and tortured him, and after 20 minutes he too gave all the info.

Then they took the Ital...

Irish man in Dublin

An Irish man, enjoying a pint of Guiness in a pub in Dublin when he approaches a couple of very fat girls with british accent:

- Hi ladies! Are you from England?
- No! Wales!
- Hi whales! Are you from England?

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It is just before Scotland v England in the Euro’s Group game.

Kane goes into the English changing room to find all his team mates looking a bit glum.

"What's up?" he asks.

"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only Scotland. They're shite and we can't be bothered".

Kane looks at the...

What did England say to Scotland, Wales, and Northern Ireland when it saw they were upset?

UK?

I had a student named Miles in my 5th grade class who moved to England. Had to change his name to Kilometers.

He also shrunk by about 40% of his original height.

Paratroopers from England, Scotland, France and the US were on a plane...

During World War II, four paratroopers each from England, Scotland, France and the US, were on a plane about to jump when they realized there was only one serviceable parachute.

The French paratrooper downed a glass of cognac, said "Pour la France!" and jumped without the parachute.

Th...

After the election, I'm moving to Greenwich, England

I don't know what I'll do in the mean time.

England is finally honoring it's longest river entirely in it's border by making repairs to the over 45 navigation locks used for transportation, improving the many drinking water systems abstracting flow from it's discharge into the sea, and providing for wildlife sanctuaries near the coast.

The people will vote on the entire referendum poised to fund the project.

It's called the Bond...the Thames Bond....

I heard they are changing the name of Rymans in the North East of England.

Its now going to be referred to as Ry-aye mans.

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In mediaeval England a man was once executed because his penis was too big.

He was hung

What do you call a beautiful woman in England?

A tourist.

Why is England such a wet country?

Because so many Kings and Queens have been reigning there.

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The US, England and Ireland are presented with a question. Why is the head of the penis larger than the shaft?

The US funds a study for 6 months at $20 million, and concludes it is to give the man more pleasure during sex.

The British, not to be outdone by the Yankees, spend 3 months and half the money, and concludes it's to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

The Irish, not to be outdone ...

I bought an England stationery set earlier.

It's missing three pens.

Getting a hair dryer through customs

A young woman on a flight from England asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?"


"Of course, my child. What may I do for you?"


"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is...

Old Finnish WW2 joke

Finnish general Adolf Ehrnrooth was visiting in England after the World War II.

British general asked him how many Russian troops were stationed in Finland.

"A few hundred thousand" answered Ehrnrooth.

"Where in Finland are they stationed?" The British general asked.

Eh...

When England had an Emperor, it was an Empire; when it had a King, it was a Kingdom; now they have Theresa May...

...and it is a Country.

So this dude from Australia goes to England

He was about to cross the street when he almost got hit by a car.

The English driver yelled:
— Hey man, have you come here to die?

— No. I came here yesterday!

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What’s the difference between the New England Patriots, Donald Trump, and a prostitute?

Someone likes the prostitute!

I'm going to open a dollar store in England

It'll be called Pound Town.

Why does England feel like it's two months ahead of us?

It's only March 28th here, but in England it feels like it's the end of May.

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President Trump met the Queen of England in her palace

Trump: “Your Majesty, any tips you can give me to prevent slow down in economy ?"


"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."


Trump frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me are intelligent?" ...

Me: So, you two girls are from England?

Them: Wales, you idiot
Me: I'm sorry, are you two whales from England?

Wembley Tickets- England v Scotland Friday 18th June 2021 Kick off 8pm

One of my best friends has two spare tickets in a corporate box for the England v Scotland game. They were £300 each but he didn't realise they are on the same day as his Covid 19 postponed wedding.

If you are interested he is looking for someone to take his place!

It is at Manchester...

Am Englishman, an American, and a German are on an expedition in the Amazon

Am Englishman, an American, and a German are on an expedition in the Amazon

They are captured by a tribe of natives. The chief says to them, "you must die for intruding our land. Where do you come from?"

The Englishman answers: "I'm from England". The chief decides: "Great! We make kid...

A Russian spy is in the UK

A Russian spy is in the UK trying to dig up dirt on an MP.

He walks into a pub, sits next to the MP and orders a drink. He tries to start up a conversation but the MP says he knows he's a spy.

"Of course I'm not a spy, I can sing the whole British anthem", he then sings every verse per...

I did my nurse's training at a hospital in Liverpool, England.

My fellow students and I had little money for meals, so we ate the awful food provided at the hospital complex. We often took our breaks in the kitchen, and sometimes kindly visitors would give us some of the treats they had brought for patients.

One night a woman brought a pork pie to the ki...

3 elderly football (soccer) fans walk into a church …

3 elderly football fans walk into a church. The first is a Liverpool fan, the second is a Tottenham fan and the third is an England fan. As they walk through the doors a bellowing voice greets them from above. It’s God and he exclaims “Welcome! I don’t do this often, but every now and then I like to...

What part of England is always cloudy?

Liverpool, because they don't tolerate the Sun there.

What is a Karen called in England?

A Blonde haired prick

A woman in England gives birth every 30 seconds.

She must be exhausted!

Jane: I miss England.

Tarzan: Me no idea you a beauty pageant winner.

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The Queen of England was touring an American hospital.

During her tour, accompanied by doctors, nurses, and hospital board members, she passed a room with a man furiously masturbating.

"OH MY! HOW INAPPROPRIATE!" she exclaims

"Your majesty, he suffers from a medical condition where he generates so much sperm his testicles will explode if t...

What do people like to wear in England?

Tea-shirts

If you were born in France. Raised in England moved to Canada and died in the USA what are you...?

Dead.

What do you call an Australian visiting England on vacation?

Returning to the scene of the crime.

What was the score between England and Ethiopia?

England 8-Ethiopia didn’t

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A luxury airplane is flying over Europe, carrying five passengers: representatives from England, Japan, USA, Canada, and Russia.

The pilot emerges from the cockpit, interrupting their conversation. "Slowly but surely, we are falling. I will attempt to crash-land as smoothly as possible, but I urge you to jump out with a parachute."

After briefly explaining how to use the parachutes, the pilot goes back to the controls....

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An Irishman stops at an airport in England...

An Irishman stops at an airport in England. While he's waiting for his flight to arrive, he decides to make a quick stop at the airport bar.

As it's late at night, there's only the bartender and two other people there. Always willing to make a new friend, he sits down with the two and starts ...

So donald trump went to visit the queen of England the other day...

Donald trump went to visit the queen of England the the other day, he says to her:

I'd like to change the name of the united states to the empire of the united states."

and she says "no I'm sorry sir, for you to have an empire you'd need to be an emperor, and you sir are no emperor."...

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The Queen of England Was on a Tour...

...at one of America's finest hospitals when she passed a ward and spotted a male patient stroking the salami.

"My word, if that isn't the repulsive thing I've ever seen!" she gasped.

"I'm terribly sorry, Your Majesty," the doctor leading the tour said, "this patient has a serious cond...

At Heathrow airport in England...

...a 300-foot red carpet was stretched out and President Putin strode to a warm but dignified hand shake from Queen Elizabeth.

They rode in a silver 1934 Bentley to the edge
of Central London where they boarded an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white horses.

As ...

A Texas farmer was touring England. He happened to meet an English farmer and asked him, "What size farm do you have?"

The Englishman proudly announced, "Thirty-five acres!"

"Thirty-five acres?" the Texan scoffed. "Why, I can get in my truck at 8:00 AM and start driving and at noon, I am still on my farm. I can eat lunch and start driving again and at 5:00 PM I am still on my farm.

"Ah, yes," the Engli...

When I grew up in America, I was told that if I work real hard, someday I could be the next President of the United States.

I live in the UK now and noticed that the British aren’t as optimistic as Americans.

But as an optimist, I still tell my son that if he worked real hard, someday he could be the next Queen of England.

Hey England, you know what oday is?

“Where’s the T?”

“We threw it in the harbor, 244 years ago”

One foggy morning on the border of England and Scotland...

...a Scottish voice came out from within the dense fog.

"Any one Scotsman can beat any 10 Englishmen."

The English general stationed at the border took offense and sent down 10 of his soldiers. There were sounds of a hell of a fight and NO ONE returned. An hour later, the same voice ...

The last time a group of New Englanders destroyed Atlanta this badly

Sherman marched to the sea

George Bush was visiting the queen of England...

when he asked her "I must say, you run a real tight ship over here, would you mind telling me some of your secrets or advice?".

The queen said "sure, its quite simple, I surround myself with smart people, for example, watch this". She then calls upon Tony Blair. "Tony, I have a simple questio...

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While visiting England, Donald Trump is invited to tea with the Queen...

... He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent.


"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."


She phones Sadiq Khan and s...

New lockdown rules in England...

New lockdown rules in England mean from Monday groups of up to six can meet. Six of the Seven Dwarves are arranging to meet up.

One of them isn’t Happy.

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How to say "hi" in other countries

France has "bonjour."

Japan has "konichiwa."

Germany has "guten tag."

England has "fuck off, yank."

China has "nihao."

Most people don’t know that back in 1912, Hellmann’s mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York...

This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiti...

How would the Church of England deal with the statement that "the cat sat on the mat" if it appeared in the Bible?

The liberal theologians would point out that such a passage did not of course mean that the cat literally sat on the mat. Also, cat and mat had different meanings in those days from today, and anyway, the text should be interpreted according to the customs and practices of the period.

This ...

Did you hear about the lady from England who was so flat she couldn't fill an a-cup?

She was a real manchester

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During the late thirties the Nazi party hosted a friendly soccer game versus England. The Nazi's star goalkeeper was Hans Bratvender.

Late in the game Hans, overcome with Nationalist pride, turned to face the Chancellor's private box, stood to attention and gave a Nazi salute.

At that moment, the English forward kicked from outside the goal crease, and scored what would be the winning goal.

When asked later to explai...

A gentleman is walking down the sidewalk in Liverpool, England on a windy day....

A gentleman is walking down the sidewalk in Liverpool, England on a windy day. It's extremely blustery and everything is blowing around.

He approaches a woman walking the other way who is struggling in the wind. All of a sudden, her skirt blows up! It turns upward, covering her face. The woma...

If you find 400 pounds on the street in England, you're a lucky man...

If you find 400 pounds on the street in America, you've met Phillip.

A blonde rings up an airline and asks: "How long are your flights from America to England?"

The woman on the other end of the phone replies: "Just a minute". The blonde thanks her and hangs up the phone.

A little kid was watching Donald Trump talk about England. "Mommy, why is it called a kingdom?"

"Because, honey, it's ruled by a *king*!"

"Then why is the U.S. called a country?"

What do Coronavirus panic in England and divorce in the United States have in common?

They’re both commonly caused by BBC.

What song does the queen of England sing when she takes her clothes off?

London's Britches Falling Down

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Three explorers: one from England, one from France, and one from New York went into the jungle...

One day on their journey a group of native tribesmen found and captured them. After being taken to the camp of these natives, the explorers were brought to the chief of the tribe.

He told the explorers. "For trespassing on land sacred to our people, you are to be killed and your skins turned...

History Professor

A History Professor is welcoming a fresh intake of undergraduates and decides it is worth having a little fun to settle down the nervous young adults.

He looks at the register to see which students are in his class this semester.

“Do we have a Miss Butcher here?” He asks and a hand i...

England fans must be pretty happy right now.

They've been waiting years for their team to play like Spain.

Nissan is rear-ending a Jeep in England.

Immediately from the Jeep are jumping two huge americans. They go over to the other car, pull the guy out, and start beating him. He is starting to scream:
"Come on, guys, stop!"
They continue.
He tries to stop them again, but they don't listen.
Then he says:
"Come on, guys, please st...

Mike and his pregnant wife live on a farm in a rural area in the west of England. No running water, no electricity, etc. One night, Mikes' wife is beginning to deliver the baby

The local doctor is there in attendance. "What d'ya want me to do, Doctor?" "Hold the lantern, Mike. Here it comes!" the doctor delivers the child and holds it up for the proud father to see.
"Mike, you're the proud father of a fine strapping boy." "Saints be praised, I..." Before Mike can fini...

Did you hear the score of the England vs Ethiopia soccer game?

England 8. Ethiopia didn't

Do you know why they wear pants in England but kilts in Scotland?

It's because a sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.... But goats don't hear so good.

Big vote today in England. If Leave wins I predict :

Brexit to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium

A man from England has been jailed for breaking lockdown while standing in for his father at work.

The Pheasant Pluckers defense team said It was one of the hardest sentences they'd come across.

What is England’s biggest outport?

Independents Days

A man new to Britain came upon two somewhat large ladies chatting. Fascinated by their accents he asked them "Are you ladies from England?" They replied "Wales." The man then said . . .

I'm sorry. Are you Whales from England?"

Why are gardens in England so small?

They are only one yard.

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