Why does England feel like it's two months ahead of us?

It's only March 28th here, but in England it feels like it's the end of May.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

(Long) Donald Trump has a meeting with the Queen of England...

...And he says 'Your majesty, I think America is the greatest country, all the people, I've asked say so, all over the world, and they all agree, we should become, a Kingdom!'

The Queen looks at him and says 'Mr Trump, in order to become a Kingdom you need a King, and you are certainly not a ...

President Obama goes to visit the Queen of England.

As Air Force One arrives at Heathrow Airport, President Obama is warmly welcomed by the Queen. They are driven in a car to the edge of central London, where they get into a magnificent seventeenth-century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on toward Buckingham Palace and wave to the...

Why aren't there any guns in Harry Potter?

Because Hogwarts is in England not America.

A blonde rings up an airline and asks: "How long are your flights from America to England?"

The woman on the other end of the phone replies: "Just a minute". The blonde thanks her and hangs up the phone.

​

What's the difference between Big Ben and the Queen of England?

One is inhuman, intricately decorated, and exists only to mark the passage of time.

​

The other one's a clock.

In England they drive on the left side of the road.

In new England you drive on what's left of the road.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's the difference between England and Viagra?

Viagra can get you past a semi

A medieval worker in England was fixing the fence on the top of the castle

He decided to take a break because he was hungry.

Two knights practicing combat nearby. One of them accidentally made a mistake and got shoved into the unfixed fence.

When the fence broke, he forcefully fell down the long distance. When he got down, in his dying breath, he screamed "...

What’s the future tense of England?

Brexit.

While visiting England, Trump is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."

She phones Teresa May and says, "Madam, Prime Minister. Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

...

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's Mayonnaise was manufactured in England.

In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 Jan of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico.

But as we k...

What’s the difference between England’s football team and a tea bag

A tea bag stays longer in the cup.

That billionaire from New England is innocent.

He thought he was buying a hookah.

A large woman wearing a sleeveless sun dress walked into a pub in England.

She raised her right arm revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, a bleary-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on t...

What's the difference between a tea bag and the German football team?

A tea bag stays in the cup for longer...

Bit of British humour right there ;)

EDIT: happy to see this joke made people laugh, yes it's a classic joke but England have mainly been on the receiving end of it so nice to turn it around on someone else for a change (sorry Germany)

Th...

Mike and his pregnant wife live on a farm in a rural area in the west of England. No running water, no electricity, etc. One night, Mikes' wife is beginning to deliver the baby

The local doctor is there in attendance. "What d'ya want me to do, Doctor?" "Hold the lantern, Mike. Here it comes!" the doctor delivers the child and holds it up for the proud father to see.
"Mike, you're the proud father of a fine strapping boy." "Saints be praised, I..." Before Mike can fini...

New England Patriots’ Robert Craft is charged with soliciting prostitution.

He just wanted to show the masseuse where he wears his 6th super bowl ring.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

New England Patriots gates....

When they filmed the other teams practicing it was called "Spygate"

When Brady used deflated balls it was called "Deflategate"

Now that Bob Kraft is in trouble for visiting a full service massage parlor, would that be called, "Tailgate"?

Why did the siamese twins go to England?

So the other one could drive.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's the official electro-pop band of the New England Patriots?

Kraftjerk

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I recently traveled through time to hook-up with Queen Victoria, the famous nympho-queen of England in the late 1800's.

I was stunned to find out that she wanted me adorned in the latest fashions before we consummated our tri-millenium tryst. She made me wait until I grew large mutton-chop side-burns and a moustache. It took like three weeks. Meanwhile, she had a high fastening and tight fitting frock coat cut to ...

England doesn’t have a kidney bank....

But it has a Liverpool

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[NSFW] WARNING to all men in Northwest England.

There is a scam going on in supermarket car parks all around the North West. The victim will usually be a male on his own and will usually be distracted by navigating the car park with shopping.

He will usually be approached by an attractive female in her early 20s as he enters his car. She ...

I'm taking the Manic Street Preachers around rural England.

If they tolerate Diss, then the Chilterns will be next.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Arab boy is speaking with his father.

“Father, why do we wear these shawls on our head?”

“To keep the harsh sun off our scalp” He answers.

“What about these long robes father?”

“To protect us from the blistering wind that carries stinging sand.” Father says patiently.

“And our sandals?”

“To shield our ...

Nissan is rear-ending a Jeep in England.

Immediately from the Jeep are jumping two huge americans. They go over to the other car, pull the guy out, and start beating him. He is starting to scream:
"Come on, guys, stop!"
They continue.
He tries to stop them again, but they don't listen.
Then he says:
"Come on, guys, please st...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Queen of England

The Queen of England was visiting one of London's top hospitals recently, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.


"Oh my god!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???"


The doctor leading the ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why aren’t porno movies included in the Oscars?

I mean winning an Oscar pretending to be the Queen of England is one thing, but looking like you’re enjoying two dicks in your ass, now THAT’S acting.

For Star Trek fans: What did Scotty tell Kirk when The Enterprise flew over western England?

"Thar be Wales here!"

A blonde Australian tourist walks into a hairdresser's in England.

"Did you come here to dye?" the hairdresser asks her. After a little pause she replies "No, I already came here yesterday."

I am driving through England, and I’m supposed to be in Greenwich tomorrow.

Not too sure what to do in the Mean Time.

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An American was invited to a Royal dinner in England

He was placed to the left of a very old, very fat Grand Duchess, with an elderly English Baron sat on her right. During the soup course, the Duchess farted. The Englishman, taking chivalrous responsibility, said "I beg your pardon."

During the fish course, the Duchess farted again, louder tha...

What do you call a bar in a town in old England?

Just a Foh King bar

It’s a little-known fact that, after signing the Declaration of Independence, the Founding Fathers collectively dropped their pants, pointing their posteriors toward England

Thus the motto “E pluribus moon ‘em”

TIL that, in 1917, England mistook an Italian maritime transport for a German one, so they attacked it.

Whoops, wrong sub.

What's the cleanest town in England?

Bath

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A luxury airplane is flying over Europe, carrying five passengers: representatives from England, Japan, USA, Canada, and Russia.

The pilot emerges from the cockpit, interrupting their conversation. "Slowly but surely, we are falling. I will attempt to crash-land as smoothly as possible, but I urge you to jump out with a parachute."

After briefly explaining how to use the parachutes, the pilot goes back to the controls....

The Queen of England is due to arrive at a state dinner in Washington D.C.

Her plane was delayed due to weather and she was 40 minutes late.

Traffic was light and she thought she could make up the time, but the driver was the slowest she ever had.

“Could you drive a bit faster,” she asked.

“No, your highness. I cannot speed.”

“I am in a bit of ...

It's a good thing Breaking Bad wasn't made in England.

A show about a school teacher going to NHS for cancer treatments would suck.

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The Queen of England is taking a tour of an American hospital when she spots a patient furiously masturbating through an open door.

Her Majesty: "What's going on here? This is absolutely appalling."






Nurse: "Actually, Your Highness, it's for medicinal purposes. This patient has a very serious condition, and if he doesn't orgasm at least once every eight hours, his testicles will swell and cause fatal cl...

I'm going to open a dollar store in England

It'll be called Pound Town.

A survey showed that England had the highest Star Wars fan base in the world...

I guess the fourth is really with them.

3 spies from England, France and Italy were sent to the USSR.

After a week they were captured and put in jail. The Russians took the English spy, tied and tortured him and after 20 minutes he gave all the info.

Then the Russians took the French spy. They tied and tortured him, and after 20 minutes he too gave all the info.

Then they took the Ital...

If you've been a bad person in England, they will call you a pig. In America, they'll call you a sheep. In the Soviet Union...

You crane!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The US, England and Ireland are presented with a question. Why is the head of the penis larger than the shaft?

The US funds a study for 6 months at $20 million, and concludes it is to give the man more pleasure during sex.

The British, not to be outdone by the Yankees, spend 3 months and half the money, and concludes it's to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

The Irish, not to be outdone ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

On his recent visit to England Trump is very taken with all the pomp and regalia of royalty...

So while having dinner seated next to the Queen he announces boldly that from here on in he would like the USA to be referred to as the "United Kingdom of America!"
The Queen shakes her head and says somewhat admonishingly, "My dear Donald you can't do that - you are not a King".
A bit defe...

Why did the conjoined twins travel from America to England?

So the other one could finally drive.

——————-

(Source: heard it in _Man on the Moon_ movie)

England is a great country because they kicked out all their worst people.

They sent their religious nuts to America, their criminals to Australia and the people who would live with the French to Canada.

When England had an Emperor, it was an Empire; when it had a King, it was a Kingdom; now they have Theresa May...

...and it is a Country.

If you find 400 pounds on the street in England, you're a lucky man...

If you find 400 pounds on the street in America, you've met Phillip.

If Croatia loses tomorrow, all of England will hope to beat their biggest rival on Sunday:

Liver damage

Did you hear the score of the England vs Ethiopia soccer game?

England 8. Ethiopia didn't

The England football team went to visit an orphanage in Russia this morning.

"It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible" said Anatoly, aged 6.

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Following England in the world cup...

Every time England play I try to get in the spirit so when they played Tunisia I had a kebab, when they played Panama I treated myself to a cigar, when they played Belgium I pulled out the chocolates, can’t fucking wait for this Colombia game!

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Sex with my wife is like the “England World Cup squad “

neither of us know why we're there or what we're doing, there's little passion or communication and we rarely even make it past the first stage.

It's often accompanied by lots of unnecessary noise, horrible dribbling and never a clean sheet.

It's always over far too quickly and when ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Henry Heimlich, the creator of the Heimlich maneuver, was getting frustrated.

Everywhere he went, people pretended they were choking to see what he would do. One day, he visited England. During a banquet with the royal family, the Queen grabbed her throat and bent over. Heimlich ignored her, and she confessed that she was faking. Later, he passed a prince on the street, and t...

Hey England, you know what oday is?

“Where’s the T?”

“We threw it in the harbor, 244 years ago”

The pope goes to meet the Queen of England...

They are parading in the streets of London in a horse-drawn carriage., waving at the crowd. Suddenly on of the horses let’s out a big fart.

Queen: “So sorry...”

Pope: “Oh! If you hadn’t mentioned it, I would have thought it was the horse.”

Apparently the ‘creative differences’ that lead to Danny Boyle quitting as director of the next Bond film were around his desire to involve a time travel element where 007 went back in time to Medieval England.

It was to be called: The spy who loved mead

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Donald Trumps ask the Queen of England for Tips

Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and he asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you could give me?"

"Well," replied the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Trump frowned, and t...

Can confirm: England Does have a 4th of July

And we even get it first!

I approach two fat ladies in england, asking them a question

"Excuse me, are you two ladies from Ireland?"

"It's Wales, you idiot!"

"Oh, I'm so sorry. Are you two whales from Ireland?"

Why doesn't England have a great space program?

Because all their rockets landed in Iraq.

What do they call male prostitutes in England?

Peter sellers.

Why is it so windy in England?

Because Harry Kane lives there.

England playing in the semis tonight,

I haven’t been this nervous about a semi since my uncle walking into the shower room

Why was a confident man arrested in England?

He was dressed sharp.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do they call an orgy in England?

A Gloucester fuck.

A couple is going through a divorce and custody of the son comes into question.

The father presents evidence that the wife hits the poor boy whenever he misbehaves the slightest. The mother reveals evidence that the father would get belligerently drunk and use his belt on the boy.

The Judge suggests letting the boy live with his grandfather, but it turns out that almost ...

When I die I want the England national team to be my pallbearers.

So they can let me down one last time.

One foggy morning on the border of England and Scotland...

...a Scottish voice came out from within the dense fog.

"Any one Scotsman can beat any 10 Englishmen."

The English general stationed at the border took offense and sent down 10 of his soldiers. There were sounds of a hell of a fight and NO ONE returned. An hour later, the same voice ...

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician see a black sheep while riding a train in England...

The engineer says: oh, there are black sheep in England

The physicist says: no... there is at least ONE black sheep in England

The mathematician says: no. In England there is at least ONE sheep of which at least ONE side of it is black

Radio conversation in between a US Navy ship off the coast of England, and the British authorities.

BRITS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a collision.
BRITS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: This...

When England settled her colonies how come America got Christian zealots and Australia got convicts?

Australia got first pick.

At Heathrow airport in England...

...a 300-foot red carpet was stretched out and President Putin strode to a warm but dignified hand shake from Queen Elizabeth.

They rode in a silver 1934 Bentley to the edge
of Central London where they boarded an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white horses.

As ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

England: colour

America: color

England: flavour

America: Flavor

England: Labour

America: Labor

England: what the fuck are you doing?

America: getting rid of u

What's the difference between my son and the England national football team?

My son stopped disappointing me after 52 years.

I've decided to go on the "England World Cup Diet."

It only lasts 5 days and you lose loads!

James Bond retired and turned down a knighthood in England to live in Afghanistan where he became one of the most important men in the middle east.

Turns out he wanted to be Sheikh'en, not Sirred.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

England manager Gareth Southgate is like really cheap Viagra...

He looks like he's going to do really well, looks the real deal, but won't get you anywhere past a semi.

Things that didn't exist the last time England were in the semis

iPhone

Facebook

Google

Amazon

Android

Twitter

Instagram

iPod

Yahoo

YouTube

Snapchat

Spotify

Tesla

Skype

Uber

Airbnb

Bitcoin

Fitbit

Emojis

iPad

and
.

....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The next time England's soccer team plays in the World Cup they should be made up of all female porn stars...

Because no doubt they'll blow a few, but they won't choke on the big one.

New England trees have sprouted legs and are running amok. Officials say:

Birches be runnin wild

A Frenchman staying at a hotel in England calls room service and asks for some pepper...

"What kind of pepper would you like, sir? Black pepper, white pepper, red pepper?" asked the manager.

He replied, "Toilette pepper!"

Big vote today in England. If Leave wins I predict :

Brexit to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium

A Texas farmer was touring England. He happened to meet an English farmer and asked him, "What size farm do you have?"

The Englishman proudly announced, "Thirty-five acres!"

"Thirty-five acres?" the Texan scoffed. "Why, I can get in my truck at 8:00 AM and start driving and at noon, I am still on my farm. I can eat lunch and start driving again and at 5:00 PM I am still on my farm.

"Ah, yes," the Engli...

What are the four seasons called in New England?

Almost winter, Winter, Still winter, and 3 months of bad sledding.

Girls from England?

A guy walks into a bar and hears two women speaking in a British accent. He asks, "Are you ladies from England?" One says to him "No, it's Wales, you idiot!" So, then the guy says, "Okay, sorry. So, are you two whales from England?"

A guy walks into a pub in England...

He sits at the bar and a beautiful barmaid, with ample cleavage on view, asks what he would like. He says " A pint and a pie and a few kind words".

So she brings him the pint and a few minutes later brings him the pie. As she is walking away he says "What about the few kind words?" She look...

Court Ruling from the UK

A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulati...

England will in fact attend the World Cup.

They have, however, agreed to not go past the group stage.

What movie is universally loved by all orphans in England?

The Mummy Returns.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

In 1859, there was this German Chemist living in London, England.

One day he received a new batch of experimental powder from Columbia. Curious to find out what the substance was, he opened the package and it erupted in a puff of powder. After inhaling half the cloud the Chemist felt vibrant, energised and happy.

“I hast not seen ziss beefore”, thought t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why are there regions in England named Wessex, Sussex, Essex and Northumbria?

... because nobody wants to live in a place called Nosex.

England fans must be pretty happy right now.

They've been waiting years for their team to play like Spain.

Can we take a serious moment to raise awareness about the North Atlantic Garbage Patch?

Not enough people really talk about England very much

I was sitting in my house in England, looking at the news

I was sitting in my house in England, Looking at the news.
Hearing about what was being done to people on british soil by Russians infuriated me. I took it upon myself to write a long scathing article about Putin, and how we should stand up to him and not takes these shenanigans any more from him...

If you refuse to pay your TV licence in England, you can be sent to prison…

Where, ironically, you'll get plenty of BBC…

What does the Queen of England drink?

Royal tea.

George Bush was visiting the queen of England...

when he asked her "I must say, you run a real tight ship over here, would you mind telling me some of your secrets or advice?".

The queen said "sure, its quite simple, I surround myself with smart people, for example, watch this". She then calls upon Tony Blair. "Tony, I have a simple questio...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Women who live in New England can never trust a weatherman...

If they say their dick size is 6 - 8 inches, that means it’s more like 1 - 3

What is the official snack food of the Boston Red Sox and New England Patriots?

Cheat-o's

The Queen of England doesn't know much about American football...

But she does wish someone would do something about those troublesome Patriots.

People in England must be really strong

I knew a British guy that said his necklace was 100 pounds, but he talked about it like it was nothing.

I went to England and lost 50 pounds

I really hope I get my money back

Fritz was planning a holiday to England

but was worried that he might not like the food. He decided to take some of his own supplies with him from Bavaria, for the wurst käs scenario.

Pets are like countries.

Dogs are like Canada. They're incredibly friendly, but to some, to a naive degree.

​

Cats are like England. They're rude and act like they're better than everybody, but we find them so charming for some reason.

​

Parrots are like America. They bli...

What do you call an attractive woman in England?

An immigrant.