UPJOKE
scotlandbirminghamyorkshirelondonmanchestergreat britainalbionunited kingdomwaleseuropeliverpoollake districtlancashireavoncumbria

England Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Queen of England is taking a tour of an American hospital when she spots a patient furiously masturbating through an open door.

Her Majesty: "What's going on here? This is absolutely appalling."

Nurse: "Actually, Your Highness, it's for medicinal purposes. This patient has a very serious condition, and if he doesn't orgasm at least once every eight hours, his testicles will swell and cause fatal clotting."

Her ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between England and Viagra?

Viagra can get you past a semi

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It’s WWII and there’s a little anti-aircraft unit based on the east coast of England. The sergeant has a stutter.

One dark night they’re playing cards under the glow of their gas lamp, and suddenly they hear the distant sound of aircraft engines. The sergeant barks, “Ggggggggg-ggggg-gggggg-gggg-ggggg-get to the gggggg-ggg-gggggg-ggggg-gggg-ggggggg-ggg-gggggg-ggg-gun.”

All the men throw down their cards a...

What do you call an Australian visiting England on vacation?

Returning to the scene of the crime.

Why did the conjoined twins move to England?

So the other one could drive.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

George Bush is with the Queen of England.

George: "Your Majesty, any tips you can give me to stay in power, the way you have been for so long?"

"Well" said the Queen, "The most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

George frowned and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me
are intelli...

England has no kidney bank but...

It does have a Liverpool

Girls from England?

A guy walks into a bar and hears two women speaking in a British accent. He asks, "Are you ladies from England?" One says to him "No, it's Wales, you idiot!" So, then the guy says, "Okay, sorry. So, are you two whales from England?"

What's the worse job you can get as a vegan in England?

Beefeater.

3 spies from England, France and Italy were sent to the USSR.

After a week they were captured and put in jail. The Russians took the English spy, tied and tortured him and after 20 minutes he gave all the info.

Then the Russians took the French spy. They tied and tortured him, and after 20 minutes he too gave all the info.

Then they took the Ital...

Not NSFW: Next year, I'm moving to Greenwich, England

I don't know what I'll do in the mean time.

George Bush was visiting the queen of England...

when he asked her "I must say, you run a real tight ship over here, would you mind telling me some of your secrets or advice?".

The queen said "sure, its quite simple, I surround myself with smart people, for example, watch this". She then calls upon Tony Blair. "Tony, I have a simple questio...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

During the War, some German PoWs were working in a field in England when one of them called out to the guard.

By the bank of a nearby river a small boy was screaming for help. His dog had jumped in the river and couldn't get out. The German yelled "I go help, *ja*?". The guard gave him the okay and the German ran and jumped in the river.

In a few moments he had freed the dog from the weed it was tang...

England fans must be pretty happy right now.

They've been waiting years for their team to play like Spain.

At Heathrow airport in England...

...a 300-foot red carpet was stretched out and President Putin strode to a warm but dignified hand shake from Queen Elizabeth.

They rode in a silver 1934 Bentley to the edge
of Central London where they boarded an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white horses.

As ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The US, England and Ireland are presented with a question. Why is the head of the penis larger than the shaft?

The US funds a study for 6 months at $20 million, and concludes it is to give the man more pleasure during sex.

The British, not to be outdone by the Yankees, spend 3 months and half the money, and concludes it's to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

The Irish, not to be outdone ...

When England had an Emperor, it was an Empire; when it had a King, it was a Kingdom; now they have Theresa May...

...and it is a Country.

Jane: I miss England.

Tarzan: I no idea you a beauty pageant winner.

Why are the pyramids located in Egypt?

They were too big to transport to England.

Where will the new King of England keep his armies?

In his sleevies

Hey England, you know what oday is?

“Where’s the T?”

“We threw it in the harbor, 244 years ago”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The King of France, The King of England and The King of Spain are having an argument over who has the biggest penis.

Eventually they decide to let the people judge. They all stand on a stage in front of the people and drop their pants one by one.


The King of France drops his and the French crowd shout "Viva la France!!"


The King of Spain drops his and the Spanish crowd shout "Viva la Es...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Only in England.

£800 fine if you are caught at a house party during lock-down.

But reduced to £400 if paid early.

If you catch covid at the party, the government will

give you £500 to stay at home.

That's £100 profit.

This country is absolutely fucked.

Why did the conjoined twins travel from America to England?

So the other one could finally drive.

——————-

(Source: heard it in _Man on the Moon_ movie)

Paratroopers from England, Scotland, France and the US were on a plane...

During World War II, four paratroopers each from England, Scotland, France and the US, were on a plane about to jump when they realized there was only one serviceable parachute.

The French paratrooper downed a glass of cognac, said "Pour la France!" and jumped without the parachute.

Th...

I called Apple Records in England because I wanted to talk to Ringo.

The recording told me to press the “star key.”

I'm going to open a dollar store in England

It'll be called Pound Town.

William of England

William of England was visiting France with several of his friends. During his trip, however, he fell deathly ill. His last wish was to see the king of France before he died, and his friends decided to do their best to make it happen. They raced across the country, carrying their dying friend, and a...

Why I am the way I am

My children asked me once why I am the way I am. So I told them.

One day, shortly after my first child was born, I came across an old lamp in a bundle of baby clothes. I wiped the lamp off, and a genie appeared and offered me three wishes. "But," the genie added, "your wishes will come with a...

I was in a bar in England, having a beer.

Two plump women walked in with an accent I hadn't yet heard during my tenure.

"Hi ladies, are ye from Scotland?" I asked.

One of the women turned towards me and snarled "It's Wales, dumb\*\*!"

"Oh, I'm really sorry!" I said. "Are you whales from Scotland?"



...T...

A Texas farmer was touring England. He happened to meet an English farmer and asked him, "What size farm do you have?"

The Englishman proudly announced, "Thirty-five acres!"

"Thirty-five acres?" the Texan scoffed. "Why, I can get in my truck at 8:00 AM and start driving and at noon, I am still on my farm. I can eat lunch and start driving again and at 5:00 PM I am still on my farm.

"Ah, yes," the Engli...

What's the difference between a deck of cards and England?

A deck of cards isn't missing a queen.

A city was stolen today in the North of England

Police are desperately looking for Leeds

What's the difference between a tea bag and the German football team?

A tea bag stays in the cup for longer...

Bit of British humour right there ;)

EDIT: happy to see this joke made people laugh, yes it's a classic joke but England have mainly been on the receiving end of it so nice to turn it around on someone else for a change (sorry Germany)

Th...

It cost 2 pence to use the public toilet in England during the Elizabethan Era.

2p or not to pee, that is the question.

Why does England feel like it's two months ahead of us?

It's only March 28th here, but in England it feels like it's the end of May.

A man decided to sail his boat from England to Russia

He starts his journey and everything is going great. That is, until he's passing Germany's northern coast. His ship begins taking on water and, in a panic, he radios the German Coast Guard.
"Help!" He says through the radio.
"Vat is it?" The German Coast Guard replies.
"I'm sinking!" The m...

The last time a group of New Englanders destroyed Atlanta this badly

Sherman marched to the sea

One foggy morning on the border of England and Scotland...

...a Scottish voice came out from within the dense fog.

"Any one Scotsman can beat any 10 Englishmen."

The English general stationed at the border took offense and sent down 10 of his soldiers. There were sounds of a hell of a fight and NO ONE returned. An hour later, the same voice ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Young Elizabeth is soon about to be crowned Queen of England. However, there is still one important thing missing: a husband. Her family and court advisors are getting increasingly worried.

Every single day court advisors approach Elizabeth and ask:

"Ma'am, have you already decided on a husband?"

To which the young future queen always answers:

"No. Why do I need a husband? I'm modern, I'm independent, and I'm about to be the Queen of England! A man would surely onl...

Lets face it English is a stupid language There is no egg in the eggplant No ham in the hamburger And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England

French Fries Were Not Invented In France.

We Sometimes Take English For Granted

But If We Examine Its Paradoxes We Find That:

Quicksand Takes You Down Slowly

Boxing Rings Are Square

And A Guinea Pig Is Neither From Guinea Nor Is It A Pig.

If Writers Write, H...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Public Health England.

Due to the shortage of lateral flow tests available the government are going to introduce a new '1 minute self diagnostic' process.

You put one finger in your mouth, and one up your ass.

After 60 seconds swap fingers, if you can't smell or taste the difference, Isolate.

The government have announced new measures to stop migrants from getting into England

Henceforth, Chelsea fans will be in charge of security at Calais.

which city in England is famous for its men with hairy chests ?

And its...


Manchester

Before moving to England I spent some time in Poland...

It definitely helped me polish my English.

How can you tell when a jet landing in Australia is from England?

When the engines are turned off the whining continues.

Obama, Queen Elizabeth and Vladimir Putin all died and, as former world leaders, were being given a tour of hell

While there, they saw a red phone and asked what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Qu...

I once made a movie about menstrual cycles in Elizabethan England.

It was a period piece.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Queen of England

The Queen of England was visiting one of London's top hospitals recently, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.


"Oh my god!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???"


The doctor leading the ...

King Charles is the new ruler of England

He hopes he can measure up

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A luxury airplane is flying over Europe, carrying five passengers: representatives from England, Japan, USA, Canada, and Russia.

The pilot emerges from the cockpit, interrupting their conversation. "Slowly but surely, we are falling. I will attempt to crash-land as smoothly as possible, but I urge you to jump out with a parachute."

After briefly explaining how to use the parachutes, the pilot goes back to the controls....

A English man, an Irish man and an American are stranded on an island, until they find a genie.

The genie explains to them that usually he'd give them 3 wishes, but because there's three people and they all found him equally, that everyone gets one wish.

First, the English man makes his wish.

"Well, I've been stranded on this island for 2 years now, so I wish to go back home to m...

Everything in England outside of Nottingham

is called Tingham.

My mother in law came down from the North of England to visit for Christmas...

...I told her "You should think about moving further South"

She was very touched until she realised I meant Antarctica

What do you call a beautiful woman in England?

A tourist.

Nissan is rear-ending a Jeep in England.

Immediately from the Jeep are jumping two huge americans. They go over to the other car, pull the guy out, and start beating him. He is starting to scream:
"Come on, guys, stop!"
They continue.
He tries to stop them again, but they don't listen.
Then he says:
"Come on, guys, please st...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Queen of England was touring an American hospital.

During her tour, accompanied by doctors, nurses, and hospital board members, she passed a room with a man furiously masturbating.

"OH MY! HOW INAPPROPRIATE!" she exclaims

"Your majesty, he suffers from a medical condition where he generates so much sperm his testicles will explode if t...

Queen of England

Obama was talking to the queen of England and he asked her how she runs her country so well. The queen replies quite simply that she chooses the best people to run it. Obama considers this for a moment and then asks, "how do you ensure that they are the best people for the job?" The queen answers th...

Did you hear the score of the England vs Ethiopia soccer game?

England 8. Ethiopia didn't

Why is England the wettest country?

Because the queen has reigned there for decades.

400 years ago, England sent their criminals to Australia and puritans to America

Sounds like Australia got the better deal

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I love timezones

In England it's 12PM, in Germany it's 1PM and in the U.S it's 1953.

Fuck you, SCOTUS.

Big vote today in England. If Leave wins I predict :

Brexit to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium

A chemist goes to England for the first time

He walks into a crowded restaurant in the suburbs. He realizes he starts to get really hot, and as he wipes the sweat of his forehead he asks his waiter:

“Why is it so humid in here?”

The waiter responds “Lots of people have been moving from London recently, and everywhere is getting h...

A little joke from my family's dinner table.

My family was talking a few weeks ago, and somehow I brought up the fact that every state in New England has a town or city in it called "Warren". I said that there's a Warren, Vermont, a Warren, Maine, a Warren, Rhode Island.

And my brother chimed in "There's also a Warren Ukraine!"

...

Me: So, you two girls are from England?

Them: Wales, you idiot
Me: I'm sorry, are you two whales from England?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An American, a Brit and a Mexican are sitting in a helicopter.

The Brit throws out a bag of tea, explaining to the confused others: "We have so much tea in England we can just throw it out!"



The Mexican proceeds by throwing a bag of peppers out, explaining "We have so much peppers in Mexico, we can just throw it out!"



The American ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

England vs Scotland Euros 21

It is just before Scotland v England in the Euro’s Group game.



Kane goes into the English changing room to find all his team mates looking a bit glum.



"What's up?" he asks.



"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's impor...

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are walking along the beach one day and come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it.

"I give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total" says the Genie.
The Irishman says "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I wish all the oceans to be full of fish for all eternity and a fleet of fishing boats to catch them."
So, wit...

In England, on TV, they say, “It’s 10 PM. Do you know where your children are?”

In France, on TV, they say, “It’s 10 PM. Do you know where your husband is?”

In Italy, on TV, they say, “It’s 10 PM. Do you know where your wife is?”

In Poland, on TV, they say, “It’s 10 PM. Do you know what time it is?”

So this dude from Australia goes to England

He was about to cross the street when he almost got hit by a car.

The English driver yelled:
— Hey man, have you come here to die?

— No. I came here yesterday!

What do people like to wear in England?

Tea-shirts

What would an English football fan do if England won the World Cup?

Stop playing FIFA and go to bed.

What’s the queen of England favorite Minecraft item?

Totem of undying

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Irishman stops at an airport in England...

An Irishman stops at an airport in England. While he's waiting for his flight to arrive, he decides to make a quick stop at the airport bar.

As it's late at night, there's only the bartender and two other people there. Always willing to make a new friend, he sits down with the two and starts ...

What did Gandhi say while having dinner with the Queen of England?

"Could you pass the salt?"

I hope England beats Iceland...

Or they will be out of Europe twice this week!

Where do New England gamers spend most of their playtime?

The Maine menu.

Why is England such a wet country?

Because so many Kings and Queens have been reigning there.

I bought an England stationery set earlier.

It's missing three pens.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's amazing how Seasons work. I'm in Japan, it's mid December and I'm freezing...

But apparently back in England it's the end of May.


(Edit: an article or the two)

The England Football Team visited an Orphanage in Russia yesterday..

"It's heart breaking to see their little faces with no hope", said Vladimir, aged 6.

England is the richest country

All others are penniless

My dog's mother is from England and his father is from Iran

He's a pom-iranian

A blonde rings up an airline and asks: "How long are your flights from America to England?"

The woman on the other end of the phone replies: "Just a minute". The blonde thanks her and hangs up the phone.

New lockdown rules in England...

New lockdown rules in England mean from Monday groups of up to six can meet. Six of the Seven Dwarves are arranging to meet up.

One of them isn’t Happy.

what's the difference between the queen of England and a cat that makes coffee?

One's an Aristocrat

The other's a Barista-Cat

An Irishman moves to England

At the ripe old age of 80 he passes away. A couple of his drinking buddies go around from house to house to collect money to be able to bury their friend. They stop at an old Englishman's house and ask if he can give them one euro to bury an Irishman. The Englishman tells them, "Hell, I'll give you ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

the Queen of England is visting a hospital...

One of the best doctors is showing her around on his trip past all his patients. he walks into room #1 and there is a guy jerking off. The Queen looks at the doctor, with a disgusted face and asks why the man is doing that. The doctor replies that the man has a disease where his testicles produce to...

A woman in England gives birth every 30 seconds.

She must be exhausted!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In mediaeval England a man was once executed because his penis was too big.

He was hung

England's relationship with football is a lot like the dad who went out for cigarettes.

We keep saying he is coming home. But never does.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Frenchs in England...

Two French guys were walking in England when they found an old English man sitting in the shade of an oak tree. They decide to annoy him a little and ask him:

\- Monsieur, how long before we get to where we want to go?

\- About 10 minutes, the English man says.

\- But how? How d...

What part of England is always cloudy?

Liverpool, because they don't tolerate the Sun there.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Each year I eagerly anticipate this day so I can share my favorite Dad Joke of all time:

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.

This wo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Turk, a Frenchman, and an Englishman are traveling on a train.

The compartment gets warm, so the Frenchman opens the window and a fly buzzes in. Wanting to show off, the Frenchman swiftly draws his sword and with one strike, the fly is split in half. As the others look on in amazement, the Frenchman hands out his business card, which reads: "France's Best Sword...

What’s the difference between England and tea?

Tea stays longer in a cup

Driving in England

“In England they drive on the left side of the road, in New England we drive on what’s left of the road.”

I did my nurse's training at a hospital in Liverpool, England.

My fellow students and I had little money for meals, so we ate the awful food provided at the hospital complex. We often took our breaks in the kitchen, and sometimes kindly visitors would give us some of the treats they had brought for patients.

One night a woman brought a pork pie to the ki...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Arab boy is speaking with his father.

“Father, why do we wear these shawls on our head?”

“To keep the harsh sun off our scalp” He answers.

“What about these long robes father?”

“To protect us from the blistering wind that carries stinging sand.” Father says patiently.

“And our sandals?”

“To shield our ...

What kind of fee does the Queen of England charge when she knights someone?

A sir charge

Why are gardens in England so small?

They are only one yard.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The surnames of England

The surnames of England will tell you a lot about what sort of people they are, and of what sort of things they're proud of: The Bakers, for example, came from a prominent line of breadmakers; The Masons were all very fine stoneworkers; But among the English people, no surname is held in higher rega...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Following England in the world cup...

Every time England play I try to get in the spirit so when they played Tunisia I had a kebab, when they played Panama I treated myself to a cigar, when they played Belgium I pulled out the chocolates, can’t fucking wait for this Colombia game!

A Saudi Arabian prince is going to college in England

He texts his father,
"Dad, I feel weird driving my Lamborghini to school when all my classmates take a train"
His father replies;
"Son, I have transferred 500 million dollars into your account. Go out and buy a train and stop embarrassing this family"

Wembley Tickets- England v Scotland Friday 18th June 2021 Kick off 8pm

One of my best friends has two spare tickets in a corporate box for the England v Scotland game. They were £300 each but he didn't realise they are on the same day as his Covid 19 postponed wedding.

If you are interested he is looking for someone to take his place!

It is at Manchester...

Dear England,

Now you know what it feels like when you're out of Europe against your will.
Scotland.

England 1 - 2 Iceland

Credits to Iceland though, can't take that away.

What's the best thing about England?

The road back to Scotland

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

New England Patriots gates....

When they filmed the other teams practicing it was called "Spygate"

When Brady used deflated balls it was called "Deflategate"

Now that Bob Kraft is in trouble for visiting a full service massage parlor, would that be called, "Tailgate"?

A woman was cheating on her husband. Her husband came home early.

Her paramour had to quickly hide in the closet. When the husband and wife leave the bedroom together, the paramour thinks he's gotten away with it, but then he hears:

"Blimey, ain't it dark in here!"

( This happened to be in England. )

He realizes that their kid is also hiding i...

What is England’s biggest outport?

Independents Days

Does England have a 4th of july?

Yes they do, and a July 5th and a July 6th.

There is a Spanish family on holiday in England

When they are in England, the trains are packed and everyone is drunk and half naked. Everywhere is mayhem and the little Spanish boy is confused why. "Dad, why is everyone celebrating, is there an event or something happening?" The dad replies, "The sun has come out."

They don't have blood banks in England ...

... but they do have a liver pool.

I heard they are changing the name of Rymans in the North East of England.

Its now going to be referred to as Ry-aye mans.

What did England say to Scotland, Wales, and Northern Ireland when it saw they were upset?

UK?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between the New England Patriots, Donald Trump, and a prostitute?

Someone likes the prostitute!

What happens if the Queen of England starts coughing?

Prince Charles Corona-tion.

So donald trump went to visit the queen of England the other day...

Donald trump went to visit the queen of England the the other day, he says to her:

I'd like to change the name of the united states to the empire of the united states."

and she says "no I'm sorry sir, for you to have an empire you'd need to be an emperor, and you sir are no emperor."...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.