A French, a German and an Italian spy are captured one day.

The captors grab the French spy, take him to the next room and tie his hands behind a chair.They then proceed to torture him for 2 hours before he finally cracks, answers all questions and gives up all of his secrets.

The captors then grab the German spy. They tie his hands behind the chair i...

A math teacher welcomed a new French exchange student into her class and then started teaching a lesson on fractions.

The French exchange student raised his hand and said, "Excuse me Madam, but I don't know how to say fractions. How do you say those?"

"Easy," said the teacher, "you just say the top number and then the bottom number is read as an ordinal number. For example, 2/3 is 'two-thirds', 3/4 is 'three...

What do the French call marijuana?

Oui'd.

When I had dinner with my parents at a restaurant, they argued over whether we should get french fries or mashed potatoes to go with the steak. They asked me whom I agreed with,

but I couldn't pick a side

How do French people know how long to boil an egg?

They just know when they boiled enough.

Why do the French only eat one egg for breakfast?

Because in France, one egg is un oeuf.

A tired man walks into a French restaurant for a date...

(This is a really old and kinda long joke my parents used to tell me. It's translated from Spanish so bear with me.)

The man hated French food, but the woman was supposed to be an absolute beauty, so he agreed. He arrived at the incredibly fancy restaurant, exhausted from a day of work, and s...

Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France?

They were cooked in Greece.

Why do the French eat snails?

They don't like fast food.

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I work in a factory that makes McDonalds french fries...

One of co-workers told me yesterday that he's always wanted to put his dick in the Potato Peeler. I tried to talk him out of it, but I could tell he had already made his mind up to do it. I saw him today; he was clearing out his desk. "So you went ahead and did it?" "Yeah, and I got caught, so they ...

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Who among the French decided that eighty should be written as "four-twenty"?!

What the fuck were they smoking?

What do you call a french man wearing sandals?

Phillipe phillope

What was the name of that old French singer again?

I keep forgetting.

To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through their heart.

It may sound easy, but the process is painstaking.

What do you call 5 naked French men?

Deix Nuts!

What do you get when you throw a grenade into a French Bathroom?

linoleon Blownaparte.

When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Excuse my french" after a swear word...

…I'll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any french.

What do you call a French sports car?

A Baguetti

The captured English general and French general

a bash on the French, plus first post here: apologies, but anyway ...



During the Napoleonic wars, an English general (EG) is captured by the French. eventually the French general (FG) responsible for the capturing force faces upto the EG for the interrogation:

FG: i dont unders...

In the French Navy, it's considered unlucky to have the number 5 in a ship's name...

Because all of the ships with that number in their name... cinq

A German tourist driving through France gets pulled over for speeding, and the French police officer starts questioning him.

FPO: Name?

GT: Hans Schmidt.

FPO: Age?

GT: 36

FPO: Occupation?

GT: No! No! I’m only here on vacation!

What do you call a French man walking on the beach?

Philippe Philoppe.

What does a french Fred Flintstone say when he leaves.

Yabba dabb-adieu

An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Ethiopian all sit in the hospital lobby as their wives are giving birth.

After a while the doctor comes out, invites them into the nursery where 3 babies lie in cribs and says: "Congratulation! You all just became fathers! But there is one problem. Due to a nurse's error the babies got mixed up and we don't really know which one who's."

The Englishman suddenly gra...

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What do we call French family members having sex with each other?

In-c'est

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My favourite joke to perform. Terrible accent recommended.

Pierre, zee French fighter pilot is with his amour.

"Oh, Pierre, I want you to kiss me", she exclaims.

And so he tilts her chin up and leans in, but just before he plants a kiss on her lips, he pours a little red wine on them, and then goes in for the kiss.

"Oh, Pierre, mon di...

Once an American, a French and an Indian were travelling in an airplane.

To find out where they have reached, the American stretched his hand out of the plane and said, "We have reached America".

The other two asked how for which he replied,"Well my hand hit the Statue of Liberty".

Next the French stretches his hand out and said,"We have reached France"....

A French story

French army officer reilised they had ran out of flags in their battalion.

He asks a soldier who he knows is good at art to make a flag with some paint they have in the factory they're held up in

The soldier agrees, and spends the whole night painting

Comes to the officer the ne...

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On a crowded train, travelling somewhere in Europe.

A U.S. Marine walked the entire length of the train looking for a seat before realizing that the only seat available was currently occupied by a well-dressed, middle-aged French woman's poodle.

The weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman just sniffed, and said t...

How does a French girl hold her liquor?

By the ears.

Just learned that French fashion designers are trying to develop a clothing line made from frozen water.

I SWEAR!!

A french man and his wife go shopping in America

As they are walking down the aisles, she is placing items in bags for them to buy. He is mindlessly walking behind her while she does so, he is missing the simple pleasures of France.
She stops and looks at her husband and holds up a loaf of bread. "Honey, do we need bread? Should I put it in a ...

Where was the french fry born?

Greece!

Sorry it’s the only joke I know :(

A Native American, Pirate, and Frenchman walk into a bar.

The bartender walks over and says, "Gentlemen, hau, arrrrrrr, oui, today?"

My pants are French.

They are....Toulouse

Do you know why the French invented the portapotty?

They needed somewhere to oui oui

What's the best part in a joke about French royals?

The execution

I finally got the nerve to ask out the hot French exchange student...

But for some reason, instead of answering, she commented on my recent growth spurt.

But her English isn't so good and I had to correct her.

"No no," I said, "there is no 'ARE' in the sentence. It is just 'You grew some'."

A french pastry chef spends his holidays in the US and needs to go see the local medic...

Pastry chef : Euh Docteur, I häv terribeul pain when I eat chocolate!

Doctor checks him out and after a few moments says : Ah yes, typical case of <puts on sunglasses>... PAIN AU CHOCOLAT.

An English athlete, a French athlete and a Russian athlete are all on the medal podium at the 1976 Summer Olympics chatting before the medal ceremony.

“Don't get me wrong" says the Englishman, "winning a medal is very nice, but I still feel the greatest pleasure in life is getting home after a long day, putting one's feet up and having a nice cup of tea".

"You Englishman" snorts the Frenchman, "you have no sense of romance. The greatest ple...

Have you heard of a French ABBA cover band with just 3 members?

They're not any good, completely butcher the songs.

They're called ABBA Trois

You know what they say about the French royal family?

It was a good idea on paper but they lost their heads in the execution.

What did the french cat say when it wanted to go outside?

Le meow

Asked my French friend if he played any video games

He said "wii"

Lets face it English is a stupid language There is no egg in the eggplant No ham in the hamburger And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England

French Fries Were Not Invented In France.

We Sometimes Take English For Granted

But If We Examine Its Paradoxes We Find That:

Quicksand Takes You Down Slowly

Boxing Rings Are Square

And A Guinea Pig Is Neither From Guinea Nor Is It A Pig.

If Writers Write, H...

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Simple Economics

SOCIALISMYou have 2 cows.You give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and sells you some milk

NAZISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and shoots you

BUREAUCRATISMYou hav...

What do you call French people who like manga and anime?

Ouibs.

What kind of weed do french people smoke?

Oui'd

A young French boy comes home with a wheel of cheese that he found.

His mother says, “Merci! Where did you find this Brillat-Savarin?”

The boy says, “No mommy, it’s nacho cheese.”

His mother says, “Are you sure? It says Brillat-Savarin on the label.”

“I know,” says the boy, “but when I found it, I heard a voice yell at me and say, ‘Hey, that’s n...

Why did the French chef commit suicide?

He lost the huile d’olive

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My friend said he saw a nocturnal mammal defecate in a French River

I told him that's bat shit in Seine

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and a homely brunette are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps.

Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.

The brunette thinks "I bet that di...

What did the French ostrich say after laying a 4lb egg?

Big oeuf

A World War I French fighter pilot walks into a bar...

He goes up to the bartender, orders a glass of red wine and walks over to a beautiful woman. Taken to him, he passionately kisses her on the lips and then takes a sip of wine.

“I am Jacque La Roque, famous French fighter pilot! When I have the red meat I must have the red wine.

She rep...

A French guy asks his friend, "Did you hear the joke about the Chinese Chairman?"

His friend responds, "Yeah, Le Mao"

Why do americans call it "french fries"

because they suck at geography

The french revolution

The french revolution was kind of a pain in the neck, but once it was over it was a weight off of some people's shoulders

Why do the french wear their mask on the neck?

They don't want cou vide .

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French people don’t masturbate

They jacques off

I tried to get to 2nd base with this French girl I met at the zoo

but I couldn't get past ze bra.

Personally I think you should start the day off with a meal of French mushrooms

...Breakfast of champignons

What did the French groundhog see on February 2nd?

His chateau

What do Praying Mantises and the French have in common?

They both like getting off with the head after being screwed royally.

Why do the French like escargot so much?

Well, they've long expressed their disdain for fast food.

What's a difference between a suicidal french speakee & a terrified english speaker when you point a gun at them?

I don't know, it sounds the same.

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A CNN reporter, a BBC reporter, and an Israeli commando are captured by ISIS in Syria.

The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.

The CNN Reporter said, "Well, I’m an American, so I’d like one last hamburger with French fries.”

The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the burger &am...

A English man, a Spaniard, a French man, and a German. Go to a club. The guy on stage asks if they can see him. They said

“Yes””oui””si””ja”

So there's this french murder running rampant around town.

One of his victims said "Mercy!" The french guy just said "you're welcome" and shot him

Do you know why French people are so badass?

They eat pain for breakfast

What did one dehydrated French man say to the other dehydrated French man......

What do we do now? Pierre?

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My doctor gave me 6 months, so I shot him.

## The judge gave me 60 years!


&nbsp;

&nbsp;

&nbsp;


### My (other) favorite one liners:

1. I’ve had amnesia for as long as I can remember.

1. What do you call a cheap circumcision? A ripoff.

1. French tanks have five rever...

French pastry bakers are scary.

They give me the crepes.

What do the French call a really bad Thursday?

A Tra-jeudi!

How does Snoop Dogg greet the French?

Bong jour.

Dear Belarusian President Lukashenko

my mother-in-law is taking the next Ryanair flight number 1268 from Paris to Moscow and will be flying over your territory at around 8pm. I distinctly heard her criticising your regime this Sunday at the dinner table. You are welcome.


Ps: not my joke, translated from french

Why do French tanks have rear view mirrors?

So the drivers can see the battlefield.

What does french kiss sound like?

Moi moi

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A pissed drunk man stumbles onto the bus on his way home...

When he finally hobbles his way to the last empty seat, he turns to see a posh stiff lady seated with her frilly pink French poodle.

He turns his head shakily and slurs, "Where'dh ye get tha' pig?"

The lady huffs and retorts, "Ugh! Why, I'll have you know Mr. Squiggles is **not** a pig...

What sound does a french cow make?

Moux

What did the French dessert say when it was leaving?

Bonbon voyage

Famous french joke , long but gold

One day a little girl go to sleep and her dad leave her room after that he read her a story and she says « goodbye granddad, protect dad and mom and grandma ». Then on the morning , the grandfather dies . The dad is lost but thinks its nothing . The next night , her daughter says « goodbye grandma ,...

I have a friend who is half french

Is mother is french, is father also french and he lost his legs in the army.

An unidentified aircraft gets intercepted by the French Air Force

The French Air Force calls the aircraft- "AIRCRAFT 20 MILES AWAY FROM TOULOUSE AIRPORT - YOU ARE BEING INTERCEPTED - RESPOND IMMEDIATELY"

No response.

They call again-
"AIRCRAFT 22 MILES AWAY FROM TOULOUSE AIRPORT - YOU ARE BEING INTERCEPTED - RESPOND NOW OR WE WILL BE FORCED TO SH...

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Everyone loves potato skins and french fries,

But nobody likes dick taters.

In my native language (French) we have a very special kind of joke that I'd like to try on an English-speaking audience

Mr & Mrs Rophone have a son, what would his name be?
Mike!

Ok, not the funniest example, but it's already interesting enough to show you a very cultural way of phrasing jokes in France !

How many gears does a French Tank have?

Six - one forward and five in reverse

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A 16-year old boy is taking his girlfriend out on a date

When he picks her up at her parent's house, her dad invites him in and they chit chat while she's getting ready. The dad asks him about their plans for tonight. "We're going to the bowling alley first and afterwards a movie", the boy answers. "When I was your age, I was the very best at bowling", th...

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I asked my French teach how to say “I am tired.”

She just called me fat and gay.

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A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you. Don't bother coming after me.”

Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.

She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes, he wrote something on it befo...

What number do French celiacs hate?

Huit.



My five year old (who is celiac) came up with this. Had to post it.

A french cheese factory blew up in rural paris

There was de brie everywhere on the floor

What’s the difference between vanilla and French vanilla ice cream?

Cowardice.

You really do have to hand it to the French...

After all they won’t fight for it.

Canada could have had it all: American industry, British Culture, and French Cuisine.

Instead, they got: French Industry, American culture, and British cuisine

Did you hear about the French man who could only count to seven?

He had a Huit allergy.

So this French dude was working in a department store in France and a Karen comes up and starts laying it on him, asking for his manager.

Manager shows up, old stoner dude that's not having it. Karen starts whining and says "But you have to do what I say! The customer is king!" The manager looks at her in the eyes and says, "Ma'am, this is France. We decapitate kings."

A Brit, a French person and a Russian are looking at a painting of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.

The Brit says, “Look, they are so calm and reserved, they must be British.”

The French person says, “No, look at how beautiful they are, they must be French.”

The Russian says, “Are you kidding me? They have no clothes and no shelter with only an apple to eat and they’re being told the...

My French friend was sad, so I said 'Le monde'

'Thanks' she replied 'That means the world to me'

What two things do you get when you throw a firecracker into a french kitchen?

Linoleum Blownapart and debrie every where.

Physicist Joke

That is an oldy we told told each other while doing our master in Quantum Physic :

Q: what does a physicist with job tells to a physicist without job ?

A: Sir, do you want french fries with your order ?

French Bottled water

French bottled water always makes me Wewe !!

I told my friend a joke about the French Revolution, and he laughed so hard the table shook.

It was funny, but come on. It's just a joke, nothing to lose your head about!

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Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine.

It's a beautiful day, and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me!"

Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot wine and splashes it on Marie's lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?", says the startled Marie.

"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, ...

What do a French soldier from World War I and an overly cautious American in 2020 have in common?

They're both germaphobes.

What drug do French people use to get high?

Oui’d

A joke from Ukraine about cultural differences [my translation].

[edit - grammar]

In a psychological experiment, three women - Arab, French, and Ukrainian - are asked the same question: "suppose you survive a shipwreck and are stranded on an uninhabited tropical island ... with fifteen brutal, muscular, stressed-out sailors, and noone else, what would you ...

I went to the store to buy a french loaf and the clerk asked me, "how do you want this to be put away?"

I told him "baguette"

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What do you call two Irish guys French kissing?

Gay-lick

"Un, deux, trois, quatre", radioed the French ship...

...before it cinq.

"Eins, zwei, drei", radioed the German ship vierlessly, but then silence.

"Uno, dos", radioed the Spanish ship, and then disappeared without a tres.

"One," radioed the British ship before it went two.

"Won," radioed the American sub.

Doctor! Doctor! I think my duck is turning French.

Doctor: That's okay, you can'ardly tell.

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A Chinese man, French man, Muslim and an Australian stand on the edge of a cliff

\[long\]



The Chinese man approaches the edge and says "My country is rich with money - so I will give some to the gods, for luck!"

And the throws several rolls of $100 notes off the cliff.



The French man, not wanting to be out done, steps forward. "In my country...

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An American was talking to a Japanese friend on why he wouldn't eat french fries and hamburgers...

The Japanese friend said: "In Japan normally we don't eat a lot of unhealthy stuff because it'll make us fat".

The American said: "Why do you care about being fat?"

The Japanese friend said: "You don't want to know what happened last time when we had a fat man in Japan..."

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