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French people don’t masturbate

They jacques off

When I was a kid, my parents would always say, “Excuse my French!” after a swear word...

I’ll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any French...

French Fries aren't cooked in France.

They're cooked in Greece

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An american, A French , and a Japanese survive a shipwreck...

While clinging to floating debris and paddling towards shore they discuss what they will do to survive. The American dude says: Well, I am a carpenter by trade, so I'll build us a shelter. The French dude says: Ho-hoh! Yers trulee eez the greatest chef ever! I shall make grand meals to feed us! It g...

To kill a french vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart.

Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.

What do you call your angry French auntie?

A crossaunt

Why do French tanks have rear veiw mirrors

So they can see the battlefield

How are French tanks unique?

They go faster in reverse than forward.

What do you call an attention deficit French vampire?

Drac...Ooh La La!

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A baguette up a French man's butt...

...is a pain in the ass.

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Pierre, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the river Seine

Pierre, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the river Seine. It is a beautiful day and love is in the air, so Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me".

So our hero grabs a bottle of red wine and splashes it on Marie's lips....

I asked a french man if he played video games

He said wii

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French Woman

The train was quite crowded and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed French woman, but when he got there, he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"


The French w...

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How do you say small breasts in French ?

Pe'tits'

Why do the French make omelettes with only one egg?

Because in France one egg is un oeuf.

What is the French term for blue balls?

Sack Le Bleu

Why were nobles decapitated during the French Revolution?

The peasants thought they were getting just too far a head.

How do French people send photos of cats to each other?

They use Snapchat

Did you hear about the French man who fell off his roof onto a pile of bread?

He survived, but was in a lot of pain.

(Le pain means bread in French)

Canada could have had it all: American industry, British Culture, and French Cuisine.

Instead, they got: French Industry, American culture, and British cuisine

A French man, a German man, and a Polish man go skydiving

First, the French man jumps out of airplane. At the right time, he says "viva la France" and pulls the ripcord. Then, the German man jumps out and pulls the ripcord at precisely 1000 feet. Then, the Polish man jumps out of the airplane and he passes the 1000 foot mark but does not pull the ripcord. ...

Two gamers, one French, one American...

A: You up for some Wii?

F: Oui!

A: Yes, do you wanna play?

F: Oui.

A: Yes, the game console.

F: Oui.

A: Are you going to answer my question?

F: Non.

The French version of Jaws finishes with the word FIN.

It's really inappropriate

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Pierre, a French pilot of WW1 took leave in Paris and went out to sample the nightlife. He has a great night of song and wine and he meets a young lady, who he invites back to his apartment.

The excited pair walk back through the tree lined boulevards and on the way, Pierre drops in to a shop to purchase a bottle of red wine, a bottle of white wine, a bottle of brandy and a box of matches.

When they reach the apartment they waste no time in stripping off and fall passionately ont...

An American man, a French man, a Spanish man and a German man are standing on the sidewalk, trying to watch a street performer juggle bowling pins.

The juggler notices they're having a bit of trouble, so he stands on a large wooden box and says to them, "Can you see me now?"

They answer one at a time:

"Yes."

"Oui."

"Sí."

"Ja."

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Me (to a sentient piece of human shit): "Hey, what were you before you were shit?" Shit: "Well, before I was consumed, masticated, and digested, I was a beautiful French baguette." "Does it disappoint you, that you were once so beautiful but are now a piece of shit?

"Are you kidding? I was bread for this."

An English man, a French man, a Cuban Man and an Indian man are in a train carriage.

The French man takes out a bottle of very expensive wine, has one sip, and throws it out the window.

The English man says "why did you do that? " and the French man replies, "we have so many of these in my country they are practically worthless.

A few minutes later the Cuban man takes ...

The limit to my knowledge of the French language, is knowing the word for 'egg'

That's an oeuf

Apparently the French have their own alternative for marijuana.

They call it “ouid”.

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My DNA tests came back. Turns out I'm mostly French and British.

No wonder I fucking hate myself.

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A german, a french and an italian are walking down the street...

Suddenly a genie appears in front of them and says: “You lucky men, come with me!” and teleports them in front of 3 empty pools. He then says: “You have to jump from the diving board and say what you want your pool to be full of.”
The german jumps and says: “Beer!” and he falls into the pool with...

A woman is preparing a French dinner for her parents and sends her husband out to buy some fresh snails.

The husband buys the snails then pops into the pub for a quick drink. One thing leads to another and he stays for a few rounds, so many in fact, that by the time he leaves it's nine in the evening. Realizing he's extremely late the husband runs home, pours the snails over the path leading to his hou...

I tried to get rid of an annoying person earlier, so I asked them, "Do you know French?"

*"Because adieu."*

What do you call a person who is into French Anime girls?

An ouiaboo.

French people are badass

They eat pain for breakfast

Yes, French is difficult and hard to understand, but

but can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.

Are you French (slightly nsfw)

Because boy are you gonna surrender to me

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A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you. Don't bother coming after me.”

Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.

She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes, he wrote something on it befo...

A french, an American and an Argentinian are in a plane.

The pilot let them open the window, and the French says "We are in France, because I just touched the Eiffel Tower!" Then the American didn't believe him and he said "That's a lie, we are in America. I just touched the Empire State!" The Argentinian didn't believe them both, so he opens the window a...

I wrote a 200,000 word novel about a French actor who is persecuted for his art.

It's called, "Mime and Punishment".

Why did the French actor jump into a river?

Because it was in the scene!

Did you hear about the French cheese factory that caught on fire?

All that was left was da brie...

What sport is played by angry french people?

Lacrosse

The French monarchy was a bad idea

But it was brilliantly executed

What does the best man at a French wedding do?

Make French Toast!!!..

A French spy, an English spy, and an Italian spy were sent to the USSR.

Unfortunately, they were caught within a few days and held in captivity for a week. Then they were tortured for information.

The French spy was first. They tied him, tortured him, and after 20 minutes he gave them all his information.

The English spy fared the same. After being tied an...

I really like that French song about the pink airplane.

L’avion Rose

I've just got back from my new French self defence class

I'm absolutely exhausted. I've never run so much in my life.

What did the French groundhog see when he woke up?

His château.

A Frenchman, and Englishman, and a Soviet are admiring a painting of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.

The Frenchman says, “They must be French, they’re naked and they’re eating fruit.”

The Englishman says, “Clearly, they’re English; observe how politely the women is offering fruit to the man.”

The Soviet replies, “No, they are Russian communists, of course. They have no house, ...

"Un, deux, trois, quatre", radioed the French ship...

...before it cinq.

"Eins, zwei, drei", radioed the German ship vierlessly, but then silence.

"Uno, dos", radioed the Spanish ship, and then disappeared without a tres.

"One," radioed the British ship before it went two.

"Won," radioed the American sub.

French people are very creepy

They give me the crepe's

Do you know how to kill a french person?

Shoot 10 feet above his head and you will hit his superiority complex.

Have you heard about the lady cleaning peoples houses in exchange for French paintings?

She works hard for the Monet

A French computer scientist has come up with a quick way of transferring files electronically.

It’s called a Pierre to Pierre network.

Why do French people only drive in 1st gear?

They love a lot of revolutions.

How does the French Military advertise its surplus WW2 rifles?

“Brand new, only been thrown onto the ground once.”

French assault rifle for sale

Never fired, dropped only once.

What would The Proclaimers do if they were French?

They would walk 804.7 kilometres

Obesity is major COVID-19 risk factor, says French chief epidemiologist

I made the mistake of telling my wife

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and a homely brunette are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps.

Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.

The brunette thinks "I bet that di...

Old joke about heaven and hell

Heaven is where the police are British, the cooks are French, and the auto mechanics are German.

Hell is where the police are German, the cooks are English, and the auto mechanics are French.

The most famous French chef was found dead, victim of poisoning, and searching for answers they called Inspector Poirot...

The man had no enemies, he owed no one money, there was no motive at all... After a long and fruitless search, the Inspector noticed that a single bottle was missing from the kitchen. He took a quick inventory, then concluded that this was the result of a suicide.

How did he know? Of course, ...

What do you get when you throw a hand grenade in a French bathroom?

Imprisonment up to 15 years in an international detainment facility.

FRENCH bulldog

Can someone help train my French bulldog he keeps going oui oui

An Englishman gets a job at a French restaurant...

"...halo and welcome! Before y'begin work 'ere, you must be aware of corona," says his boss, pointing at a poster of it. "It is an infectant disease dat spreads easily so all must have dissinfectant." "Understood. I'll make sure so!" the Englishman declares.

But then later the new employee di...

Why do French horns make such a loud noise?

You would too, if someone blew in one end of you and shoved their hand in the other

I had a crush on the hot French exchange student...

When I finally got the nerve to ask her out... I don't know why, but she commented on my recent growth spurt. But her English wasn't good and I had to correct her. “No no,” I said, “there is no ‘ARE’ in the sentence. It is just ‘YOU ~~ARE~~ GREW SOME’."

Me: I visited the French Riviera this year

Friend: Was it horrible?

Me: No. It was Nice

I met a famous French impressionist once

but I can't remember who it was. He must have not made much of an impression.

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An half-japanese teenager, an Englishman with a huge sense of humour, an Egyptian who works as a fortune teller and a French guy walk into a bar and elder four ice teas.

It was very bizzare.

I have a French hot tub that thinks I did it.

It's a J'accuzzi.

What does a French student say when is late to class ?

Sorry, omelette

Pierre the French Canadian got a job roofing

He was taking 100 lb bundles of shingles up the ladder to the roof. On his way up, the roofer slipped and pushed a bundle down on him. It clipped the side of his head, slicing off his ear. Everyone on the job site helped him look for his ear on the ground. One guy finally hollered “found it”. Pierre...

During a high school visit to France, I stayed with a French family.

One night, I was unsure what the meat on my dinner plate was, so I pointed to it and asked in my best 11th-grade French: “Qui est-ce?” The family’s expressions told me I needed some tutoring. Instead of asking “What is it?” as I had intended, I’d asked “Who is it?”

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A French, a British and an american naval engineer brag about their submarines.

All three of them are standing in a harbour, arguing.
The french engineer says:

"Ahh, le french submarine can stay submerged for five weeks and and we do not run out of croissants or red wine, they are magnefique!"

The Brit responds:

"Oh my dear chap, that is nothing. Her ...

BREAKING: Robber steals $1m from local bank, French kisses teller, flees.

He made out like a bandit, sources say.

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A plane is flying over the Amazon when it crashes...

...three men survive the plane crash (German, French, American).

They crash near a village and get captured by the tribe. The villagers tell the three men that: "We aren't cannibals, and we're normally peaceful and wouldn't kill you, but our canoes are riddled with holes, and we need your sk...

(OC) An American chemist, a German chemist, and a French chemist are hanging out on a beach.

“Americium is the best element” brags the American chemist, “it’s used in smoke detectors and saves lives.”

“No way, germanium is way more awesome.” counters the German chemist, “without it, most electronic devices wouldn’t ever work.”

“Watch this, amateurs!” Says the French chemist, h...

What do you call a french man wearing sandals?

Phillipe Phillop

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How do you say diarrhea in French?

Eau shit!

Why do French people eat snails?

Because they don't like fast food.

Fun fact: French tanks in WWII had rear-veiw mirrors.

This allows them to see the frontline too.

French person: "80"

"lol blaze it"

French pigs be like "Oinque"..

American pigs be like "STOP RESISTING"

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Danish, French and Italian women ...

A Danish guy, a Frenchman and an Italian man got together in a bar in Berlin after attending the long and boring business conference. Their talk drifted to the subject of women, of course, with each man claiming that the women in their home country were the sexiest and most sensual.

"If we we...

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An American, a British and a French woman were asked what they would do if they ended up on an island with five sex starved men.

The American woman answered, ‘I would try to find somewhere to hide. Then I would try to send some kind of a signal to a passing ship, so they could come and rescue me.’
The British woman answered, ‘I would find the strongest man, shack up with him and get him to protect me from the other four.’<...

What's the best thing about dating a French guy?

Their oui oui.

What does a French man say when he drops an egg on the ground?

Oeuf

Girls always say boys don't know what pain is

Of course we know what it is, its French bread!

What’s the difference between a French woman and a basketball team?

A basketball team actually showers after 4 periods.

I visited a load of French towns doing impressions of Star Trek characters.

Dunkirk?

Yea, did all of them.

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