French Jokes - 120 Hilarious French Jokes

A French, a German and an Italian spy are captured one day.

The captors grab the French spy, take him to the next room and tie his hands behind a chair.They then proceed to torture him for 2 hours before he finally cracks, answers all questions and gives up all of his secrets.

The captors then grab the German spy. They tie his hands behind the chair i...

Why do french tanks have rearway mirrors?

So the drivers could see the battlefield.

It's incredible how many French words are now used in the English language

There's 'Hors D'oeuvres' for starters.

Why do French people eat small breakfasts

One egg is an oeuf

A French guy showed me his yachts.

French guy: This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.

Me: Where's the 5th one?

French guy: Cinq.

In French we don't say 'ninety nine'...

..instead we say 'quatre-vingt dix neuf' which translates as 'we don't have a functional numerical system'

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I work in a factory that makes McDonalds french fries...

One of co-workers told me yesterday that he's always wanted to put his dick in the Potato Peeler. I tried to talk him out of it, but I could tell he had already made his mind up to do it. I saw him today; he was clearing out his desk. "So you went ahead and did it?" "Yeah, and I got caught, so they ...

How many French soldiers does it take to defend Paris?

I don’t know, it’s never been done

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Pierre the French fighter pilot was the greatest fighter pilot the world had ever seen.

His skill in a plane was rivaled only by his skill in bed and he had many a fair young thing aching for his love.

On a bright summer day he was picnicking with a young lady in the shade of a willow tree near a lake. They had talked for a while but the woman could wait no longer and she leane...

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French people don’t masturbate

They jacques off

What do French people call a really bad Thursday?

A trajeudi

A French, a Brit, and an American are on an expedition in the Amazon

They are captured by a tribe of natives. The chief says to them, "you must die for intruding our land. But it is our custom to allow you to choose your own death."

After some time, the Frenchman says, "my great grandfather died by sword while fighting for France, I shall do the same to honor ...

A British man, a French man and a Spanish man are caught stealing in a foreign country.

They are prosecuted and the judge sentences them all to 100 lashes each. However he wants to look lenient in the eyes of their respective countries so he reduces the lashes to twenty and allows them to have two requests each before being lashed.

The Spanish is first to be lashed and requests...

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French Woman

The train was quite crowded and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed French woman, but when he got there, he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French w...

Why do the French eat snails?

Because they don't like fast food.

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French fighter pilot.

A woman is working in the bar she owns when in walks a very handsome man. They get chatting and it turns out he is a frenchman named Piere. They get on very well. He tells her about his daring adventures as an ace fighter pilot. She is getting more and more turned on by him and, when she can stand i...

What do you call a french man wearing sandals?

Phillipe Phillop

When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Excuse my french" after a swear word...

...I'll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any french.

What are the two problems with the French flag?

The red bit and the blue bit.

An old man placed an order for one hamburger, french fries and a drink...

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the french fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then s...

Heaven is where the cooks are French, the police are British, the mechanics are German, the lovers are Italian and everything is organized by the Swiss.

Hell is where the cooks are British, the police are ~~German~~ American, the mechanics are French, the lovers are Swiss, and everything is organized by the Italians.

"Un, deux, trois, quatre", radioed the French ship...

...before it cinq.

"Eins, zwei, drei", radioed the German ship vierlessly, but then silence.

"Uno, dos", radioed the Spanish ship, and then disappeared without a tres.

"One," radioed the British ship before it went two.

"Won," radioed the American sub.

A math teacher welcomed a new French exchange student into her class and then started teaching a lesson on fractions.

The French exchange student raised his hand and said, "Excuse me Madam, but I don't know how to say fractions. How do you say those?"

"Easy," said the teacher, "you just say the top number and then the bottom number is read as an ordinal number. For example, 2/3 is 'two-thirds', 3/4 is 'three...

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It's the time of the French Revolution and they're doing their usual daily beheadings..

Today they're leading a priest, a prostitute and an engineer up to the guillotine.

They ask the priest if he wants to be face up or face down when he meets his fate. The priest says that he would like to be face up so he will be looking toward heaven when he dies. They raise the blade of the ...

An English man, German, French and Italian are standing at the side of a street watching a street performer

The street performer noticed that they all have poor eye sight so he asked them whether they can see him and they responded:
"Yes"
"Oui"
"Sì"
"Ja"

TIL the American flag on the moon has turned into the French flag.

Due to solar radiation, the red and blue pigment has disappeared, leaving the flag to be completely white.

Why did the French person commit suicide when they couldn't find their olive oil?

Because they had lost the *huile d'olive*

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What do you call it when you sit on a French baguette?

A pain in the ass.

Why do the French like to eat snails so much?

They can't stand fast food.

It's my first post on Reddit. Hope you like it.

French sense of humor

So me (not a German, but was living in Germany those days) and a colleague (who is French and lives in France too) were "on-site" in Austria visiting a customer. After the work day was over we went to a nearby farmer's market just for a stroll. We saw some lovely and cheap lemons there and I wanted ...

A French spy, an English spy, and an Italian spy were sent to the USSR.

Unfortunately, they were caught within a few days and held in captivity for a week. Then they were tortured for information.

The French spy was first. They tied him, tortured him, and after 20 minutes he gave them all his information.

The English spy fared the same. After being tied an...

A stranger find two French men throwing coins in a park.

When the stranger asks why the French men are doing that, one of them replies,

"We are trying to see who can throw these coins the highest! Whoever wins owes the other a hot dog!"

But suddenly the other French man interjects,

"Wait! I thought we were going off distance, not heig...

Canada could have had it all: American industry, British Culture, and French Cuisine.

Instead, they got: French Industry, American culture, and British cuisine

Hear about the Spooky French Diner?

They said it gives people the CREPES!

(brand new joke c'mon!)

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Why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft?

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft.
The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more...

A French woman and a Spanish man had recently gotten married and moved to Spain.

The woman could not speak Spanish so whenever she wanted to buy chicken legs, she would raise her skirt a little and show her thighs which the seller understood.
One day, she wanted to buy bananas so she brought her husband with him.

As her husband could speak Spanish.

My wife asked if I minded if she bought a little French maid outfit

I said ‘Please do’.

She came home with a French-made $5000 Chanel dress.

What do French men have that French women don't?

A oui oui.

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An american dude, A French dude, and a Japanese dude barely survive a shipwreck...

While clinging to floating debris and paddling towards shore they discuss what they will do to survive.
The American dude says: Well, I am a carpenter by trade, so I'll build us a shelter.
The French dude says: Ho-hoh! Yers trulee eez the greatest chef ever! I shall make grand meals to feed us...

Did you know the first French Fries weren’t actually cooked in France?

They were cooked in Greece.

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A guy runs away and joins the French Foreign Legion...

...and a couple of squaddies show him around. "Here's where we camp, here's the toilet, and here's the camel for when you get horny."

"What?" the guy says, incredulous.

"Yeah," the squaddies say. "Here there are no women--not even photos are allowed."

"No way am I using that cam...

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I am Pierre, French fighter pilot!!

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine.

It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.

Marie leans over to Pierre and says, 'Pierre, kiss me!'

Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's...

I went to a French zoo

There was a baguette in a cage, so I asked the keeper what that was about and apparently it was bread in captivity. (All credit to the wife for that one)

A blonde, a nun, a brit and a french guy in the train...

Four people are sitting in the passenger car of a train. A hot blonde, a nun, a brit and a french guy. The train goes into a tunnel, there's total darkness for a brief moment, and all you can hear is a loud slap. As the train is leaving the tunnel, sunlight lights the scene up, and a confused french...

I like my camgirls like I like my French fries.

Steaming hot and covered in oil.

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An English woman, a French woman and a Russian Woman are talking about sex

English Woman: I just found a way to have fantastic sex with my husband: after he comes back home and takes a shower, i throw away his towel, grab his balls by my hand and i tell him "Harry, your balls are so hot!"

French Woman: And so what? Does it work?

English Woman: If it works? My...

What does a French cat say?

LMAO

What do the French listen to in their spare time?

Royalty free music

I've heard the Canadian Prime-Minister has a French last name.

Is this Trudeau?

I once thanked a French guy to death

It was a merci killing

What is French Fred Flinstone’s Catchphrase?

Yabba-Dab-Adieu

During World War II a French cheese factory was destroyed.

Debris was everywhere.

What do you call two french women kissing?

Les biens

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The Canadian

A Canadian a Russian and a French guys are all armed with pistols and sitting around a camp fire.
The Russian pulls out a full bottle of Vodka, opens it and drinks about a quarter of it. He then throws it up into the air, draws his gun and shoot it.

The Canadian yells WTF?

The Russ...

A French couple named their newborn daughter “CCC”.

Pronounced: Tracey

The French Revolution was pretty rough. Did you hear about what happened to Louis XVI's head?

[Removed]

Why are French bakers so masochistic?

They just knead to feel some pain.

What do you call a grenade in a French kitchen?

Linoleum Blownapart

My French teacher is so tough,

She eats pain for breakfast.

French vampires don’t suck your blood.

They sacrebleu!

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The French fencer

There once was a famous French fencer. He learned how to fence at a young age and honed his skills over time, his prowess with the foil unmatched in all of France. After defeating all French contenders, he moved on to defeat fencers in nearby countries, eventually becoming the best in Europe. As his...

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I am absolutely exhausted from my French self-defense class.

I've never run so far in my life.

I was walking down the street today and got hit by a violin and then a clarinet, and then a French horn…

I was walking down the street today and got hit by a violin and then a clarinet, and then a French horn.

I believe it was orchestrated!

Why does the French army surrender so quickly?

They have nothing Toulouse.

How do we know the french are unoriginal?

Without them we wouldn’t have clichés

An old man goes to a French restaurant

The waitress asks him if he wants an aperitif, the old man removes his false teeth and said “no thanks I already have one”

My girlfriend keeps making fun of me because I’m French.

I give up.

Why is the French military always shocked when they lose a battle?

Because electricity flows in the path of *least resistance*

Why do French ghosts smell so bad?

Zay are, ow you say, "covered in sheet".

Hear about the French Cheesecake Factory that exploded ?

De Brie was everywhere.

Flambé!

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My favourite joke to perform. Terrible accent recommended.

Pierre, zee French fighter pilot is with his amour.

"Oh, Pierre, I want you to kiss me", she exclaims.

And so he tilts her chin up and leans in, but just before he plants a kiss on her lips, he pours a little red wine on them, and then goes in for the kiss.

"Oh, Pierre, mon di...

What's the difference between an English omelette and a French omelette?

In England, 2 eggs are used in an omelette. In France, just one egg is un oeuf.

What do you call a group of french communists?

Oui

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What do you call a French prostitute in Pakistan?

Lahore

What does polite french-australian never miss at the gym?

Le g'day.

It's the First World War, and a French Battalion and a German Battalion face each other in the trenches.

It's a rather slow day, and the Krauts sit bored in their trenches. Then, a young corporal speaks: "We really need to kill more frenchies! What can we do to lure them out?"
A young recruit asks, "What is a typical french name?"
Another answers, "Pierre."
The young recruit gets up, puts his ...

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the old french lady

Heard a story once about an old French lady who'd run a small shop in her village for years, until one day a huge corporate supermarket set up across the road from her little shop. They put up signs advertising their prices, including one that said "Butter - 10 francs".
In response, the lady adde...

I once asked Mario how to say ‘friend’ in french

He quickly answered: ‘it’s ami’

Why is French toast called lost bread in French ?

Because English stole it

Two cats--one English, one French--held a swimming race across the English Channel.

The English cat was named One Two Three; his French competitor was named Un Deux Trois.

Unfortunately, Un Deux Trois cat sank.

Why shouldn't you study French philosophy before Roman poetry?

Because that would be putting Descarte before the Horace.

Cooking with French ingredients always makes me depressed.

Yesterday I almost lost the huile d'olive.

So this guy goes to this fancy French restaurant and orders a bowl of soup.

The waiter brings it over to his table, and the guy starts eating. But after a minute or so, the guy discovers that there is a fly in the soup. Disgusted, he calls the waiter over and informs him of the problem.

The waiter leans down and studies the soup for awhile, then reaches for his cell...

For sale: French WWII rifle

Never used, dropped once

Why were the French fries in a victim support group?

Because they were a salted.

Yesterday I accidentally crashed through the glass door of a French bakery.

I was….in a world of pain.

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What is a French prostitutes response to how are you

Cum see cum saw

What do you call it when a French person goes to the gym?

ResistOnce training

French people are incredibly hardcore ...

They eat pain for breakfast.

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My friend said he could speak German, French and Scottish.

When I didn't believe him he said: "Ja Oui Bastard."

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Three young women are at a cocktail party. The conversation turns to their husbands.

The first woman, smiling smugly, says, "My husband is taking me on a romantic break to the French Riviera for two weeks."

The second boasts, "Well, my husband just bought me a brand new Porsche."

The third shrugs and says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, ladies, we don't have m...

How does a French lawyer take a bath?

In a J'Accuse si...!

French dad joke.

Do You know how to call a person who loves to eat an french baguette?

painkiller

My French girlfriend is aggressively insisting we adopt a kitten

She stormed into my room and said "I think it's time you and I had a little chat"

Why do the French stink?

So blind people can hate them too

To celebrate my French heritage...

I erected a monument to a famous French general and president.

I call it deGaulle stone.

How do French football fans like their coffee?

Au lait, au lait au lait au lait

My girlfriend kept telling me to treat her like a princess.

So I made her marry an old guy she's never met to secure an alliance with the French.

I've spent all day trying to convince people on Reddit I'm French.

I give up.

French people on Rollercoasters go..

Ouiiiii!

Why do french people look so depressed ?

Because the light at the end of the tunnel is England

(stolen from twitter, no idea if it's an original)

An American, a French and a Russian are chatting in a restaurant.

The American woman says:
- I once told my husband that I was not his housewife and that I would not do laundry for him all the time. He left the house. I don't see a him for day, for two, for three, on the forth day he came back with a washing machine.
The Frenchwoman says:
- And I once...

The French baker's pastry shop collapsed on him

He was in a lot of pain.

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Pierre the fabulous french fight pilot

Before heading out on his next mission Pierre goes on a date. They decide to go for a picnic in the park. Pierre shares amazing stories of his time all over the world. He is charming, romantic, and exciting.

His date says to him " Oh Pierre, kiss me"

He picks up the red wine splashes ...

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Ireland Declares War on France

The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

"Hallo!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy Down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," the President of France ...

Three old men are lounging in chairs on the beach in the French Riviera.

One of them says, "I had a business but it burned to the ground. With the insurance money I was able to retire here."

Another said, "Well that's a coincidence. I had a business that had a gas leak and blew up and the insurance money allowed me to retire here."

The third guy said, "You'...

To kill a French Vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart.

Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.

Who speaks 1 word of French and can kiss like the best in the world?

Moi

After a long and distinguished career, my French teacher finally retired.

Adios, amigo.

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The King of France, The King of England and The King of Spain are having an argument over who has the biggest penis.

Eventually they decide to let the people judge. They all stand on a stage in front of the people and drop their pants one by one.

The King of France drops his and the French crowd shout "Viva la France!!"

The King of Spain drops his and the Spanish crowd shout "Viva la Es...

What's the name of the most popular French knight?

Sir Ender.

3 spies, a french one, a british one, and an italian one, are captured by al-qaeda...

the terrorists tie each of them up and put the brit and the italian in a locked room. they take the frenchman to a room for 6 hours, torturing information out of him. when they finish with him, they take the brit to the room, who lasts 12 hours. they finally take the italian into the room, but as mu...

Our friend Les is really upset because he failed his French Lit exam.

The result made Les Miserable.

I went to a fancy French restaurant called “Deja Vu”,

and the headwaiter said, “Don’t I know you?”

Where do French gangsters hang out?

The baghetto.

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A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you. Don't bother coming after me.”

Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.

She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes, he wrote something on it befo...

A hamburger and a French fry walk into a bar

The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve food here"

What do you say to a french man to cheer hm up ?

Beaucoup, to him, it means a lot.

Many people recognize that the Russian flag is an homage to the French flag.

But did you know their military flag is an homage to the old French military flag as well? The old French military flag was three white Fleur-de-lis on a field of white. Now the Russians use the same one, just rotated 90 degrees.

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The tourist and the French girl

An American tourist visited a 5-star hotel in Paris.
As he sat at the bar, enjoying his drink, a red hot French girl in a red dress, came to him and said something in French, which he wasn't able to understand.
Unable to get over her heavenly body mixed with the heady aroma of her French perfu...

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