A Priest, a Politician, and an Engineer are set to be executed by guillotine during the French Revolution.

The Executioner brings the Priest up first. He ask him if he'd like to lie facing down or facing up for his death. He responds that he would like to be facing up, so he can see the heavens while he's going to God. So the Executioner lays the Priest down in the guillotine facing up. He then releases ...

Why do French tanks have rearview mirrors?

So they can see the battlefield.

Two Americans are touring Europe, and are scheduled to arrive in France Sunday afternoon.

Two American men are touring Europe, and are scheduled to arrive in France Sunday afternoon. However, they arrived several hours early, and had little to do on Sunday morning while everything was closed.

"Well," one says to the other, pointing to a nearby Cathedral, "why don't we attend Mass?...

When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Excuse my french" after a swear word...

...I'll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any french.

A German tourist goes to France. The French immigration officer asks him

"Occupation"?

The German says "No, just visiting".

I went to a French zoo

There was a baguette in a cage, so I asked the keeper what that was about and apparently it was bread in captivity. (All credit to the wife for that one)

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A Syrian kid in France.

A Syrian kid and his refugee family move to France. On his first day of school his teacher asks him "what is your name?". To which he politely responds, "My name is Abdul and I am from Syria (Middle-East accent)..She abruptly stops him and corrects him.
"No! From now on you are French and your n...

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling.

The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"


"Yes."

"Oui."

"Si."

"Ja."

I've heard the Canadian Prime-Minister has a French last name.

Is this Trudeau?

If a Swedish clown goes Hjönk, what does a French clown go?

On strike.

Here's an example of a sentence in French:

Guillotine

What did the part First Nations, part French-Canadian pirate say after boiling a kettle on his 80th birthday?

Aye matey. I'm Métis. I made tea. I'm eighty.

An English athlete, a French athlete and a Russian athlete are all on the medal podium

An English athlete, a French athlete and a Russian athlete are all on the medal podium at the 1976 Summer Olympics chatting before the medal ceremony. "Don't get me wrong" says the Englishman, "winning a medal is very nice, but I still feel the greatest pleasure in life is getting home after a long ...

A French man, a British man and a Spanish man are caught stealing in a foreign country.

They are prosecuted and the judge sentences them all to 100 lashes each. However he wants to look lenient in the eyes of their respective countries so he reduces the lashes to twenty and allows them to have two requests each before being lashed.

The Spanish is first to be lashed and requests ...

Why do the French eat snails?

Because they don't like fast food

Why does a French man only have one egg for breakfast?

Because one egg is un Oeuf.

Why is the French flag blue, white, and red?

In case a war starts, they can tear off the sides and surrender.

The new French tanks have 14 gears...

13 to go in reverse and 1 to go in forward in-case the enemy attacks from behind.

All the French cities are too similar to each other

I mean they are all Nice but... I don’t know

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What do you call masturbating in French?

Menage a moi.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An American man, a French man, a Turkish man, and a Polish man are sitting in a bar.

The Bartender asked what the four men are most proud of for their country. The American man says: “I’m really proud of the CIA. They know the details of almost every major event in the U.S,. They often even know it before it happens!”
The French man says: “I’m proud of French women. They are very...

A German, a Frenchman and an Englishman go fishing...

They fish quite happily for a while until the German catches a huge golden fish, but as he pulls it off the hook it says "Please don't kill me! Spare my life and I'll grant you all a wish!"

The German throws the fish back and says "I wish for a mug of beer that will never empty", and immediat...

What happened after an explosion at a French cheese factory?

All that was left was de brie.

Ugh, French people are such cowards

I saved one and he just kept begging for mercy

Why are French cats always do cheerful?

Because they're always saying, "Le mao"

French police aren't sure how the Notre Dame fire started...

But they have a hunch.

A Frenchman was showing of his yachts to a tourist

Frenchman: "This one is called Un, this one Deux, this one Trois, Quatre, Six, Se--"

Tourist: "Hold on, why is there no number 5?"

Frenchman: "It Cinq"

Did you know that the first French fry wasn’t actually cooked in France?

It was cooked in Greece.

I think my brother is making too much french toast

Because he keeps surrendering them to me.

French public toilets were useless in the war

Always occupied

What do you call it when a Bayern footballer steals from a French bank?

A Franc Robbery

French Intelligence agencies are pleased to announce today that they have developed very sophisticated Yves-dropping techniques.

Unfortunately, Yves did not survive the fall.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why did the French chef visit the sex therapist?

Boner Petite

What do you call a French leather coat maker...?

Jim Lapel.

French people are weird.

You give them something nice and they beg for mercy.

In French we don't say 'ninety nine'...

..instead we say 'quatre-vingt dix neuf' which translates as 'we don't have a functional numerical system'

French Revolution Jokes.

Robespierre was killed in a *split* second.

I guess King Louis XVI failed to get *a-head* of his competition.

The guillotine was *cutting edge* technology at the time.

Execution was a form of capital *PUNishment.*

If only Robespierre was spelt like *Robespare*.

Wha...

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and an old lady are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps.

Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness.

On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.

The old lady thinks, “I bet...

How many French soldiers does it take to defend Paris?

I don’t know, it’s never been done

What is weaker than French defences during WWII?

Tea made by an American.

My husband and daughter start using French bread as swords

I say, “You shouldn’t do that! Violence baguettes violence.”

My French Coach taught me all I needed to know about losing...

Remember you can’t spell “we” without ‘i’

Now run.

How do the French say "you're welcome"?

Rudely

How do French people spell weed?

Oui'd

Why does the new French navy have glass bottom boats?

So they can see the old French navy.

An English cat named One-Two-Three and a French cat named Une-Deux-Trois were going for a walk one day when they came across a small river...

One-Two-Three and Un-Deux-Trois started to argue about who would be able to swim to the other side of the river faster, so they decided to have a race.

It was a very close race, but in the end One-Two-Three won because unfortunately Une-Deux-Trois quatre cinq.

I'm still tired after my first French self defence class...

I've never run so much in my whole life!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An English woman, a French woman and a Russian Woman are talking about sex

English Woman: I just found a way to have fantastic sex with my husband: after he comes back home and takes a shower, i throw away his towel, grab his balls by my hand and i tell him "Harry, your balls are so hot!"

French Woman: And so what? Does it work?

English Woman: If it works? My...

What do french people call hot dogs?

Ouiners

French investigators aren’t sure how the fire started. But Quasimodo said:

Perhaps flying water tankers could be used to put it out.

What do the French smoke?

Oui’d

What does a French lumberjack yell just before the tree falls?

Tomber!

What do you call a French website hosting multiple chat rooms?

A *chat*eau.

What food do you serve an Italian and a French man?

Baguetti

A man joins the French Foreign Legion...

During the training, they spend all their time in the desert. Nothing but desert day after day, week after week, marching up and down dunes and across flat yellow plains.

Eventually one of the men starts sobbing. Another man turns to him and asks what is wrong.

"I joined the Legion to...

So Ubisoft are giving away the French Assassin's Creed game because of the Notre Dame fire...

I guess you could say it's a fire sale.

An English cat named One Two Three and a French cat named Un Deux Trois raced each other across a lake. Who won?

One Two Three, because Un Deux Trois cat sank.

An old man placed an order for one hamburger, french fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife...

He then carefully counted out the french fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.

As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them we...

Why shouldn’t you do foreplay with French women?

Because they don’t like to beat around the bush

My local French boulangerie owner was accused of bestiality, but I'm not surprised.

He was such a pain in the ass.

An English soldier is captured by the French and is sentenced to execution

Unfortunately for him, screaming “mercy” at the top of his lungs only hastened the process.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The French fencer

There once was a famous French fencer. He learned how to fence at a young age and honed his skills over time, his prowess with the foil unmatched in all of France. After defeating all French contenders, he moved on to defeat fencers in nearby countries, eventually becoming the best in Europe. As his...

French tanks in WW2 have special features

They have side mirrors so they can see the Germans when escaping.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man joins the French Foriegn Legion...

..to forget something. After a while, he had certainly forgotten why he joined, but being a lifetime commitment, he decided to make due.

Nothing was horrible, except for the fact that his small desert outpost was totally devoid of women. After a couple of weeks of build up, he went to his se...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did ya hear? Captain Marvel got caught stealing soft French cheese...

It was Brie Larseny

What is the most important part of jokes about the French revolution?

The execution

Why do the French never eat tuna sandwiches?

Because bread is pain and fish is poisson

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A French man moves to America and begins looking for a job.

He walks into a bakery to meet with the owner. The owner is hesitant to hire him because his English is really poor, so he decides to try and find an excuse to not hire the man.

“Okay, I’ll hire you only if you can express to me the number 9 without using numerals or letters.”

And the ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My girlfriend finally convinced me to try this new French restaurant in town. Everything went great, except my escargot was WAY too chewy.

I'm telling you, it was tough ass snails.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Japanese man, French man and a redneck are sitting at a bar. The subject get around to sex and what they to drive their wife crazy.

The Japanese man: After we make love, I softly massage my wife's breasts. It drives her crazy.

The French man: After we make love, I kiss her eyes, then her breasts, then her sweet spot. It drives her crazy.

The redneck: After I jump the old ladies bones, I get up and wipe my dick of...

So a French man was diagnosed with lung Cancer and only have 2 months to live.

He didn't want to die leaving his familly with no money, so he decided to rob the federal bank. When he told his friend about his plan, tha latter asked why was he doing something so dangerous for the sake of his familly.

The guy replied ''I've got nothing Toulouse!''

Canada got it all wrong!

So Canada got it all wrong. I mean, they had the opportunity to have American technology, British culture and French cuisine, but went with American culture, British cuisine and French technology!

Heard this about 20 years ago and it still makes me chuckle. Can’t beat a good stereotype!

What do you call leftover French cuisine?

Deja food

How do the French study the skeleton?

They take your Bonaparte.

What did the French teacher say to his Islamic student?

à le does not exist

Why can't French vineyards produce a good Port or Sherry?

Because the French don't know how to fortify *anything*!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife told me to paint her like one of my "french girls".

To which I replied, "oh shit..(how did she find out about that)".

French person: Do you do sports?

Me: Wii

A Man Walks Into A French Restaurant And Orders Fish...

The waiter brings out his order and the man begins to eat it. After about fifteen minutes, the man keels over and dies. The waiter, panicking, calls the paramedics. When they arrive, they examine the body of the deceased man.

"Well?" asks the concerned waiter "What killed this poor man?"
<...

A mexican walks into a french coffee shop

barista: How would you like your coffee?

mexican: Au lait

A German is trying to to make his way to Paris

At the border, the French customs agent asks him

“Name?”

“Hans Mueller.”

“Place of residence?”

“Munich.”

“Occupation?”

“No, just vacation this time.”

Napoleon was the best general the french ever had.

He managed to surrender twice.

What’s the difference between vanilla ice cream and French vanilla ice cream?

Cowardice

Why do French riot police leave early for work?

So they can beat the crowd.

How does a French woman hold her liquor?

By the ears.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A new yorker, a british person, and a french person are on a safari...

when they are ambushed by a tribe in the area.
A tribeman says: "You have trespassed our sacred land and you must be killed. We will skin you and make a canoe when you choose how you want to die."
The French person asks for a bottle of poison.
The British person asks for a gun.
The new y...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My (American) grandfather's joke which I just shared with my (French) husband

There once was a snail named Sam who lived in a forest which had an interesting reputation; All the forest creatures would design elaborate vehicles and then race against each other every month. The snail loved to watch the races, and dreamed of participating one day.

However, everyone told t...

Why do the French claim the moon as theirs?

All the flags on the moon have turned white

Every morning I eat French mushrooms...

It’s the breakfast of champignons

It is the French Revolution and people are being executed.

The executioner grants the people who are being executed one last request before their heads are cut off.

A nobleman walks up to the block and says,” As a nobleman I request that all of my money go to my three children.” “Very Well” the executioner said. And he was executed.

A scientis...

Two guys were working at the airport, when a foreigner walked up to them. He asked them in Spanish, where the luggage pick up was. Neither could understand him, so they raised their hands and shook their heads that they don't understand...

He asked again, in German.

Again, the two workers did not understand him.

He tried in Polish and then again in French, but both times, the employees couldn't understand him.

He walked away trying to find someone else who could help him.

One guy turned to the other guy and...

What did the french baker feel when his bakery collapsed on him?

Pain

What do you call a Frenchman who can't pronounce Egyptian names?

Anubis

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Pierre is a French fighter pilot

He is telling a story to his friends about how his superiors want to teach him to use his parachute properly, but he was arguing saying "I am Pierre, the great fighter pilot, I will never crash so I with need to worry." His superiors tell him again that he needs to learn about safety and he says the...

What do you call a French general after being hit by a cannonball?

Napoleon Blown-aparte

How do you sink a French battleship?

Put it in water should do.

An English man, German, French and Italian are standing at the side of a street watching a street performer

The street performer noticed that they all have poor eye sight so he asked them whether they can see him and they responded:
"Yes"
"Oui"
"Sì"
"Ja"

What’s a French King’s least favorite editing software?

Final cut

2 cats were racing across the English channel

An english cat named onetwothree, and a french cat name undeuxtrois.

Which cat won?

123 cat won because undeuxtroix quatre cinq

Italian, French and Indian went for a job interview at call center

Before the interview, they were told that they must compose a sentence in English with three main words: green, pink and yellow.

The Italian was first: "I wake up in the morning, I see the yellow sun, I see the green grass and I think to myself: I hope it will be a pink day."

The Frenc...

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