Why do French tanks have rearview mirrors?

So they can see the battlefield.

Two Americans are touring Europe, and are scheduled to arrive in France Sunday afternoon.

Two American men are touring Europe, and are scheduled to arrive in France Sunday afternoon. However, they arrived several hours early, and had little to do on Sunday morning while everything was closed.

"Well," one says to the other, pointing to a nearby Cathedral, "why don't we attend Mass?...

I've heard the Canadian Prime-Minister has a French last name.

Is this Trudeau?

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling.

The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"


"Yes."

"Oui."

"Si."

"Ja."

When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Excuse my french" after a swear word...

...I'll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any french.

A German, a Frenchman and an Englishman go fishing...

They fish quite happily for a while until the German catches a huge golden fish, but as he pulls it off the hook it says "Please don't kill me! Spare my life and I'll grant you all a wish!"

The German throws the fish back and says "I wish for a mug of beer that will never empty", and immediat...

Did you know that the first French fry wasn’t actually cooked in France?

It was cooked in Greece.

How do the French say "you're welcome"?

Rudely

An English cat named One-Two-Three and a French cat named Une-Deux-Trois were going for a walk one day when they came across a small river...

One-Two-Three and Un-Deux-Trois started to argue about who would be able to swim to the other side of the river faster, so they decided to have a race.

It was a very close race, but in the end One-Two-Three won because unfortunately Une-Deux-Trois quatre cinq.

A Frenchman was showing of his yachts to a tourist

Frenchman: "This one is called Un, this one Deux, this one Trois, Quatre, Six, Se--"

Tourist: "Hold on, why is there no number 5?"

Frenchman: "It Cinq"

Why does the new French navy have glass bottom boats?

So they can see the old French navy.

A German, a French and an English survives a plane crash at Pacific...

Before they figure out what to do, a local tribe captures and bring them to their village. As they enter to the village , a mighty chieftain appears. He goes next to the German and asks : “ Death?! or Onga-Bonga?!”

German answers with fear and hesitation “Onga-Bonga” without knowing meaning...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and an old lady are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps.

Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness.

On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.

The old lady thinks, “I bet...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Syrian kid in France.

A Syrian kid and his refugee family move to France. On his first day of school his teacher asks him "what is your name?". To which he politely responds, "My name is Abdul and I am from Syria (Middle-East accent)..She abruptly stops him and corrects him.
"No! From now on you are French and your n...

A French man, a British man and a Spanish man are caught stealing in a foreign country.

They are prosecuted and the judge sentences them all to 100 lashes each. However he wants to look lenient in the eyes of their respective countries so he reduces the lashes to twenty and allows them to have two requests each before being lashed.

The Spanish is first to be lashed and requests ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A French man moves to America and begins looking for a job.

He walks into a bakery to meet with the owner. The owner is hesitant to hire him because his English is really poor, so he decides to try and find an excuse to not hire the man.

“Okay, I’ll hire you only if you can express to me the number 9 without using numerals or letters.”

And the ...

In French we don't say 'ninety nine'...

..instead we say 'quatre-vingt dix neuf' which translates as 'we don't have a functional numerical system'

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My girlfriend finally convinced me to try this new French restaurant in town. Everything went great, except my escargot was WAY too chewy.

I'm telling you, it was tough ass snails.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Japanese man, French man and a redneck are sitting at a bar. The subject get around to sex and what they to drive their wife crazy.

The Japanese man: After we make love, I softly massage my wife's breasts. It drives her crazy.

The French man: After we make love, I kiss her eyes, then her breasts, then her sweet spot. It drives her crazy.

The redneck: After I jump the old ladies bones, I get up and wipe my dick of...

French tanks in WW2 have special features

They have side mirrors so they can see the Germans when escaping.

How do French people spell weed?

Oui'd

An English cat named One Two Three and a French cat named Un Deux Trois raced each other across a lake. Who won?

One Two Three, because Un Deux Trois cat sank.

What do french people call hot dogs?

Ouiners

I'm still tired after my first French self defence class...

I've never run so much in my whole life!

How do the French study the skeleton?

They take your Bonaparte.

So a French man was diagnosed with lung Cancer and only have 2 months to live.

He didn't want to die leaving his familly with no money, so he decided to rob the federal bank. When he told his friend about his plan, tha latter asked why was he doing something so dangerous for the sake of his familly.

The guy replied ''I've got nothing Toulouse!''

How many French soldiers does it take to defend Paris?

I don’t know, it’s never been done

My local French boulangerie owner was accused of bestiality, but I'm not surprised.

He was such a pain in the ass.

What is the most important part of jokes about the French revolution?

The execution

Canada got it all wrong!

So Canada got it all wrong. I mean, they had the opportunity to have American technology, British culture and French cuisine, but went with American culture, British cuisine and French technology!

Heard this about 20 years ago and it still makes me chuckle. Can’t beat a good stereotype!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An English woman, a French woman and a Russian Woman are talking about sex

English Woman: I just found a way to have fantastic sex with my husband: after he comes back home and takes a shower, i throw away his towel, grab his balls by my hand and i tell him "Harry, your balls are so hot!"

French Woman: And so what? Does it work?

English Woman: If it works? My...

What do the French call a very sad thursday?

A tra*jeudi*

An old man placed an order for one hamburger, french fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife...

He then carefully counted out the french fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.

As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them we...

Why do the French never eat tuna sandwiches?

Because bread is pain and fish is poisson

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The French fencer

There once was a famous French fencer. He learned how to fence at a young age and honed his skills over time, his prowess with the foil unmatched in all of France. After defeating all French contenders, he moved on to defeat fencers in nearby countries, eventually becoming the best in Europe. As his...

An English soldier is captured by the French and is sentenced to execution

Unfortunately for him, screaming “mercy” at the top of his lungs only hastened the process.

French person: Do you do sports?

Me: Wii

How does a French woman hold her liquor?

By the ears.

It is the French Revolution and people are being executed.

The executioner grants the people who are being executed one last request before their heads are cut off.

A nobleman walks up to the block and says,” As a nobleman I request that all of my money go to my three children.” “Very Well” the executioner said. And he was executed.

A scientis...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A new yorker, a british person, and a french person are on a safari...

when they are ambushed by a tribe in the area.
A tribeman says: "You have trespassed our sacred land and you must be killed. We will skin you and make a canoe when you choose how you want to die."
The French person asks for a bottle of poison.
The British person asks for a gun.
The new y...

Why do the French eat snails?

They don't like fast food.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife told me to paint her like one of my "french girls".

To which I replied, "oh shit..(how did she find out about that)".

How many gears does a french tank have?

6 reverse and 1 for parades

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Pierre is a French fighter pilot

He is telling a story to his friends about how his superiors want to teach him to use his parachute properly, but he was arguing saying "I am Pierre, the great fighter pilot, I will never crash so I with need to worry." His superiors tell him again that he needs to learn about safety and he says the...

A Man Walks Into A French Restaurant And Orders Fish...

The waiter brings out his order and the man begins to eat it. After about fifteen minutes, the man keels over and dies. The waiter, panicking, calls the paramedics. When they arrive, they examine the body of the deceased man.

"Well?" asks the concerned waiter "What killed this poor man?"
<...

Why do the French claim the moon as theirs?

All the flags on the moon have turned white

What are the two problems with the French flag?

The red bit and the blue bit.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A beautiful, classy French woman sits down at the bar and asks the bartender for a single entendre...

So he fucks her.

What’s the difference between vanilla ice cream and French vanilla ice cream?

Cowardice

What do you call a French general after being hit by a cannonball?

Napoleon Blown-aparte

What do you call a Frenchman who can't pronounce Egyptian names?

Anubis

What’s a French King’s least favorite editing software?

Final cut

Every morning I eat French mushrooms...

It’s the breakfast of champignons

Napoleon was the best general the french ever had.

He managed to surrender twice.

A mexican walks into a french coffee shop

barista: How would you like your coffee?

mexican: Au lait

How do you know if your neighbourhood is french?

The landlord is missing

Italian, French and Indian went for a job interview at call center

Before the interview, they were told that they must compose a sentence in English with three main words: green, pink and yellow.

The Italian was first: "I wake up in the morning, I see the yellow sun, I see the green grass and I think to myself: I hope it will be a pink day."

The Frenc...

How do you sink a French battleship?

Put it in water should do.

The French recently invented a tank with 13 separate gears, but only 1 of which drives the tank forward.

Just in case the enemy attacks from behind.

Why do French riot police leave early for work?

So they can beat the crowd.

What did the french baker feel when his bakery collapsed on him?

Pain

2 cats were racing across the English channel

An english cat named onetwothree, and a french cat name undeuxtrois.

Which cat won?

123 cat won because undeuxtroix quatre cinq

Why do the French make omelettes with only one egg?

Because one is always anouef

A German is trying to to make his way to Paris

At the border, the French customs agent asks him

“Name?”

“Hans Mueller.”

“Place of residence?”

“Munich.”

“Occupation?”

“No, just vacation this time.”

Believe it or not i can actually speak fluent French

I surrender!

Did you hear about the french woman that invented the knock knock joke?

She won the No Belle prize

The french never go on holidays

They only go on retreats

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My (American) grandfather's joke which I just shared with my (French) husband

There once was a snail named Sam who lived in a forest which had an interesting reputation; All the forest creatures would design elaborate vehicles and then race against each other every month. The snail loved to watch the races, and dreamed of participating one day.

However, everyone told t...

What did Julius Caesar say when the French tribesmen rebelled against him?

I can’t believe you had the Gaul to do this.

You’re driving me in-Seine. I can’t handle this Rhine now.

Did you know all French meter sticks are a foot shorter?

They have a habit of cutting the heads off their rulers.

Did you hear about the Marvel superhero that got busted for stealing a truck full of soft French Cheese?

It was brie larceny.

Two guys were working at the airport, when a foreigner walked up to them. He asked them in Spanish, where the luggage pick up was. Neither could understand him, so they raised their hands and shook their heads that they don't understand...

He asked again, in German.

Again, the two workers did not understand him.

He tried in Polish and then again in French, but both times, the employees couldn't understand him.

He walked away trying to find someone else who could help him.

One guy turned to the other guy and...

Why do the French like to eat snails so much?

They can't stand fast food.

It's my first post on Reddit. Hope you like it.

In heaven, the English are the Police, the Germans are the organizers, the French are the cooks, the Italians are the lovers and the Swiss are the engineers.

In hell, the English are the cooks, the Germans are the Police, the French are the engineers, the Italians are the organizers, and the Swiss are the lovers.

(I love you all, my european brethren! ;) )

How do the French turn on their computers?

By pressing Ctrl+Alt+Retreat.

My grandfather has a French rifle from WW2 for sale on eBay

The description reads "never fired. Dropped once "

Hey man, can you name the denonym for the people living on a French island in the Mediterranean?

Corsican!

Why do you never invite French milk to a party?

Its always Lait.

If you’re French in the kitchen, English in the parlor, Italian in the bedroom, that makes you what in the bathroom?

European

What noise do French eggs make when they die?

Oeuf

A French, English, and Italian are captured by Germans...

A French, English, and Italian are captured by Germans, who want to get information out of them. They tie their legs to a wooden chair and their hands behind it and have all the chairs lined up.

&#x200B;

First, they go to the French man. Before they lay a single hit on them, he te...

An English man, German, French and Italian are standing at the side of a street watching a street performer

The street performer noticed that they all have poor eye sight so he asked them whether they can see him and they responded:
"Yes"
"Oui"
"Sì"
"Ja"

Why do the French eat only one egg for breakfast?

Because one egg is un oeuf!

We went to a fancy restaurant yesterday and I surprised everyone by ordering in perfect French

It was a Chinese restaurant

The American flag that was planted on the moon has turned white due to solar radiation.

Now future historians will think the French got there first.

A German, an Italian, a Frenchman and an Englishman are having a philosophical debate.

The question arises: What separates man from the animals?


"Technology," says the German. "Other creatures have tools, yet none can match the hights of engineering we have accomplished. It is our industry that separates us from the beasts."


"I disagree," announces the Italian. "...

I just found out my little brother has been forced to smoke at school by some mad french foreign exchange student.

It was Pierre pressure

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why Moses was the one who received the ten Commandments

God went to the Arabs and said,
'I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.'
The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?'
And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.'
'Can you give us an example?'
'Thou shalt not kill.'
'Not kill? We're not interested..'
Then...

It's the time of the French Revolution and they're doing their usual daily beheadings..

Today they're leading a priest, a prostitute and an engineer up to the guillotine.

They ask the priest if he wants to be face up or face down when he meets his fate. The priest says that he would like to be face up so he will be looking toward heaven when he dies. They raise the blade of the ...