A French spy, an English spy, and an Italian spy were sent to the USSR.

Unfortunately, they were caught within a few days and held in captivity for a week. Then they were tortured for information.

The French spy was first. They tied him, tortured him, and after 20 minutes he gave them all his information.

The English spy fared the same. After being tied an...

Fun fact: French tanks in WWII had rear-veiw mirrors.

This allows them to see the frontline too.

"Un, deux, trois, quatre", radioed the French ship...

...before it cinq.

"Eins, zwei, drei", radioed the German ship vierlessly, but then silence.

"Uno, dos", radioed the Spanish ship, and then disappeared without a tres.

"One," radioed the British ship before it went two.

"Won," radioed the American sub.

Do you know what French people smoke?

Oui’d.

How many eggs does it take to make a French omelette?

Just one. In France one egg is un oeuf.

What does a French man say when he drops an egg on the ground?

Oeuf

Why do French people eat snails?

Because they don't like fast food.

You know I don't understand the deal with Americans and their hatred of the French and calling them surrender monkeys. I mean if it wasn't for the French we'd be speaking English right now.

Wait

What do you call a French man wearing sandals?

Phillipe Phillope.

When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Excuse my french" after a swear word...

...I'll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any french.

I invented a device to disrupt the watchmaking industry. I emailed a proposition to a French watchmaker. Their response?

Seiko Killer? Qu'est-ce que c'est?

How do French cats laugh?

“L’mao”

An Italian, French, and Polish man are sentenced to death by guillotine...

The Italian is first and goes up to the executioner. The executioner drops the blade which stops an 16th of an inch from his neck. But he doesn’t flinch, so then the king says, “you’re a brave man go out and be with your people.” It is the French man’s turn now. The executioner drops the blade, but ...

A Chinese, French, and an Italian guy all go to a field trip

They stumble upon a witch that shows them a mirror.

"This is a magic mirror" says the witch. "Tell it the truth, and you shall win fortunes. But if you dare to lie, you will vanish."

The French goes first, and says: "I think my language is the most beautiful language in the world". And...

Why do the tanks of the French army have rear windows?

So they can see the battlefield.

I use the word 'beaucoup' when speaking with my French friends.

It means a lot to them.

What did one french surgeon say to the other one evening?

“Bonesaw!”

The French must be really tough...

...because they eat pain for breakfast

How scared were the french royalty during the French Revolution?

Very, they completely lost their heads..

I saw an ad for a vintage French military rifle today

Never fired, dropped once

An english man, french, israeli, spanish and german are watching a street performance. The performer stands on a box and asks," Can you see me?"

The english answers" Yes"

The french answers"we"

The israeli answers "ken"

The spanish answers "si"

The german answers" ya"

During the French Revolution, the commoners were busy executing the elite and bourgeoisie by beheading them.

They dragged a lawyer up on the guillotine, but as the blade dropped toward his neck, it inexplicably stopped. That was taken as a sign from God to spare his life and he was freed.

Then they brought a wealthy merchant up for execution, but again the blade stopped just short and he, too, was ...

What do you call a French hot dog?

A Oui-ner

What do you call a French Gym Junkie who is scared of socialising?

Shia LaBeouf

Why isn't the French presidential limousine an automatic?

Because the chauffeur only drives Emmanuel

A French, English, and American man go on a vacation together in the Amazon.

Will they’re on their trip, they’re hunted down and trapped by some scary natives. The men are scared and ask “Why are you doing this?”. The native chief responds, “ I plan on skinning you all and using your skin for cups!” The trapped men make a request to at least choose how they die. The chief li...

A man walks into a French man in a urinal

“Sorry!” He says, “I didn’t realise European!”

What do you get when you throw a hand grenade into a French bathroom?

Linoleum Blownapart

What do you call the place in a French city where the minorities live?

A baguetto

How many French soldiers does it take to defend Paris.

We don't know, its never been tried.

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I know that "adios" means "bye" in Spanish, "au revoir" is "bye" in French, and "ciao" is "see you later" in Italian, but I've always wondered how you say "bye" in Japanese, Russian, and Icelandic.

I guess you could say I'm bye curious.

In 1940, the German Army was sieging a french city in a last ditch attempt

They had nothing Toulose.

What’s the difference between a French wine and a Brazilian wine?

Not much but the Brazilian has better legs.

Geometry is a lot like algebra, language arts, and french

Its like algebra because it has a lot of math,

Its like language arts because it has a lot of words in it,

And its like french because I don't understand it.

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There was a French knight who was great at math and sex

He was known as Sir Cum of France

That awkward moment when at the end she wanted a handshake, but you went on for a full french kiss

That job interview wasn’t really going anywhere, anyway.

I have some french works war 2 army rifles for sale

Never fired, dropped once.

French Fries aren't actually fried in France.

They're fried in Greece.

What do you call four hundred french rabbits turning around and running away from a fight?

A receding hare line.

What’s a French persons favourite gaming console?

A Nintendo Oui

I asked a French man if he played video games

He said, "Wii"

Hey girl, are you the French Revolution?

Because I keep imagining you sans-culottes

Did you hear about the french cheese factory explosion?

de Brie everywhere

What does a French baker say when they made a mistake?

Oh crepe

I asked my French friend if he owned a videogame console

He replied: “Wii”

In Heaven the cooks are French, the policemen are English, the mechanics are German, the lovers are Italian and the bankers are Swiss..

In Hell..


The cooks are English, the policemen are German, the mechanics are French, the lovers are Swiss and the bankers are Italian.

French Class

Student: "may I use the restroom professor?"

Professor: "oui oui"

Stundent: "no professor, DOO DOO"

I’ve never been able to count any higher than seven in French...

It turns out I’ve got a huit allergy

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A Marine boarded a train on his way home from deployment...

The train was quite crowded, and the Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed middle-aged French woman, but when he got there he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French...

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Every French waiter is an asshole to me, saying I have a small penis

They keep telling me "boner petite"

My girlfriend claims I can’t carry on claiming to have French-Italian heritage when people ask me where I’m from.

Corsican.

What's French for ladybug?

Buguette

What is the way two French dudes share their files electronically?

Pierre to Pierre network.

French Karen says French vaccines cause...

Oh ho ho ho-tism

A Priest, a Politician, and an Engineer are set to be executed by guillotine during the French Revolution.

The Executioner brings the Priest up first. He ask him if he'd like to lie facing down or facing up for his death. He responds that he would like to be facing up, so he can see the heavens while he's going to God. So the Executioner lays the Priest down in the guillotine facing up. He then releases ...

James French

Crime: killed two people.

Punishment: Death by electric chair.
#
>!French fries.!<

I went to a French zoo

There was a baguette in a cage, so I asked the keeper what that was about and apparently it was bread in captivity. (All credit to the wife for that one)

During the French Revolution the Guillotine was a revolutionary piece of technology

Truly a piece of cutting-edge technology

Got this friend who always drops french fries when he eats them. I told him to try onion rings because they're easier to hold, so he switched but it's still a problem.

They're dropping like fries.

Kim Jong Un has an affair with a French lady and she had a son.

She named it Kim Jong Deux.

How does a French woman hold her liquor?

By the ears of course!

What do you call someone obssessed with French culture?

A ouiboo.

What do you call a little boy who’s half French and half Scottish?

A oui lad

Why is an engineer able to toast bread five different ways but cannot make French toast?

This makes Why's dad proud.

What do French children call their adopted dad?

Faux Pa.

What did the French army general do on social media?

Retweet!

A French man loses his favorite olive oil, and becomes suicidal...

I've lost my huile d'olive!

In French we don't say 'ninety nine'...

..instead we say 'quatre-vingt dix neuf' which translates as 'we don't have a functional numerical system'

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How do you turn the Japanese flag into a French flag?

Remove the dot.

What do you call a dehydrated french man?

Pier (pronounced pee-air)

Heaven is a place...

* where the cops are british
* the chefs french
* the mechanics german
* the comedians american
* the lovers italian
* and everything is organized by the swiss

Hell is a place...

* where the cops are american
* the chefs british
* the mechanics french
* the come...

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Why the head of the penis is larger than the shaft.

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a mans' penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over $1.2 million. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft was to provide the man with more pleasure d...

A German tourist goes to France. The French immigration officer asks him

"Occupation"?

The German says "No, just visiting".

I've heard the Canadian Prime-Minister has a French last name.

Is this Trudeau?

Did you hear about the new addition to French tanks?

A rear view camera, so they can see the battle going on.

I keep getting the same French Uber driver

Serge Pricing.

What is the only thing a French drug dealer sells?

Oui-d

# An English and a french cat decide to race across the sea

The English cat was called “one two three four”
The French cat was called “un deux trois quatre”

“One two three four” won.... why?

Because “un deux trois quatre” *sank*

Adam and Eve’s Nationality

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British." "Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French." "No clothes, no sh...

A French man, a British man and a Spanish man are caught stealing in a foreign country.

They are prosecuted and the judge sentences them all to 100 lashes each. However he wants to look lenient in the eyes of their respective countries so he reduces the lashes to twenty and allows them to have two requests each before being lashed.

The Spanish is first to be lashed and requests ...

Canada could have the best of 3 nations it is influenced by: French cuisine, British culture and American technology!

Instead, Canada got British cuisine, American culture and French technology.

I tried to make a joke about the French army.

Well, I gave up.

A French philosopher and a horse walk into a bar...

The philosopher decides what he wants and walks up to the bar first. The bartender says "no no no", you never put Descartes before the horse.

How do french werewolves say goodbye?

Awooo Revoir!

What were the last words of the suicide bomber at the French restaurant?

Blown appetite.

Incorrectly pronounced French jokes?

Oh please, so quiche

A famous French fighter pilot ace in WW1 is on a picnic at his estate with a beautiful woman after the war...

After eating and laying on the charm, he asks to kiss her. Being quite smitten by his good looks, she happily accepts. He drips a rich merlot on her lips and proceeds to kiss her. After a few moments, she works up the nerve to ask “your lips are amazing, but what’s with the wine?”

He repli...

How many gears does a French tank have?

One forward, five reverse

Heard it before? Well I bet you don’t know how many gears a Swiss tank has

Because they’re always in neutral

Why is the French flag blue, white, and red?

In case a war starts, they can tear off the sides and surrender.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do French people call masturbation?

menage-a-moi

What did the Cat burglar say when he was caught stealing from a French art museum?

I did it for the Monet

Generally speaking, there are three different styles of cancan dances, 'French Cancan', 'British Cancan', and 'American Cancan'. In my opinion, French Cancan dances are able to outperform American Cancan dances and American Cancan dances can also outperform British Cancan dances.

In other words, Cancan Cancan can can can can Cancan.

A man is in court

(Long but worth it)

Judge: "You are accused of beating your wife to death. If you want to expect any mercy, you'll have to give us a damn good reason."
Man: "She was so stupid, I just had to kill her."
Judge: "That is even worse. If you don't want to be declared guilty on the spot, you ...

Why do French men enjoy the Wisconsin country side?

They love that Dairy Air!

Did you guys hear about the French cheese factory that burnt down recently?

The only thing left was da Brie.

My mums sister gets angry and bakes french pastries...

She’s a cross aunt.

I'm still upset they marked me wrong on my 7th grade history test on the question "what did they set up during the French Revolution?"

I maintain that "lots and lots of guillotines" is technically correct...

Went to a haunted french restaurant the other day...

That place gave me the crepes.

Apparently the French just bought the rights to make a Mercedes S-Class Van

Its called the S-Cargo

An American man, a French guy, and an Arab are all on a plane.

Suddenly the pilot comes over the PA and says the plane is going to crash if they don't get rid of some unnecessary weight. The American takes a huge bag of hamburgers out of his suitcase and tosses it out the window, saying "Not a problem, I've got plenty of these where I come from." The Arab guy s...

An English man,an Irish man, a french man and a German man get on a plane

The English man dropped a stone off the plane. The Irish man dropped a brick off the plane. The french man dropped a knife off the plane. The German man dropped a bomb off the plane. When the English man got home, he found his dad crying in the garden. “Why are you crying?” said the English man. <...

Did you hear about the French man who always wears denim?

His name is Jean Jaquette.

Today in class, we were supposed to draw the French flag.

For some reason, the paper my teacher gave me already had the flench flag on it so I just submitted it.


Why did he mark the work as unattempted? It was all white already...

Why are French cats so happy?

They're always going lmao.

What did the part First Nations, part French-Canadian pirate say after boiling a kettle on his 80th birthday?

Aye matey. I'm Métis. I made tea. I'm eighty.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jacques Pierre- The French Fighter Pilot

One lovely afternoon, Jacques Pierre, the French fighter pilot was having a picnic with his new lady friend under a tree. She was very intrigued by him, as she had never been with a fighter pilot before. Soon enough, her emotions got the best of her, and she exclaimed "Kiss me, Jacques!" So he grabs...

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