What do you call a French guy wearing sandals?

Philippe Philoppe

"Un, deux, trois, quatre", radioed the French ship...

...before it cinq.

"Eins, zwei, drei", radioed the German ship vierlessly, but then silence.

"Uno, dos", radioed the Spanish ship, and then disappeared without a tres.

"One," radioed the British ship before it went two.

"Won," radioed the American sub.

A French, English, and American man go on a vacation together in the Amazon.

Will they’re on their trip, they’re hunted down and trapped by some scary natives. The men are scared and ask “Why are you doing this?”. The native chief responds, “ I plan on skinning you all and using your skin for cups!” The trapped men make a request to at least choose how they die. The chief li...

What’s a French persons favourite gaming console?

A Nintendo Oui

An english man, french, israeli, spanish and german are watching a street performance. The performer stands on a box and asks," Can you see me?"

The english answers" Yes"

The french answers"we"

The israeli answers "ken"

The spanish answers "si"

The german answers" ya"

What does a French man say when he drops an egg on the ground?

Oeuf

How many French soldiers does it take to defend Paris.

We don't know, its never been tried.

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There was a French knight who was great at math and sex

He was known as Sir Cum of France

What’s the difference between lettuce and a French nobleman from the 1700’s?

You don’t cut a head of lettuce with a guillotine

What’s the difference between a French wine and a Brazilian wine?

Not much but the Brazilian has better legs.

I asked my French friend if he owned a videogame console

He replied: “Wii”

What do you get when you throw a hand grenade into a French bathroom?

Linoleum Blownapart

I have some french works war 2 army rifles for sale

Never fired, dropped once.

French people are so hardcore

They eat pain for breakfast.

French Class

Student: "may I use the restroom professor?"

Professor: "oui oui"

Stundent: "no professor, DOO DOO"

A man walks into a French man in a urinal

“Sorry!” He says, “I didn’t realise European!”

When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Excuse my french" after a swear word...

...I'll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any french.

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I know that "adios" means "bye" in Spanish, "au revoir" is "bye" in French, and "ciao" is "see you later" in Italian, but I've always wondered how you say "bye" in Japanese, Russian, and Icelandic.

I guess you could say I'm bye curious.

Did you know the first French fries weren't fried in France?

They were fried in grease.

French Karen says French vaccines cause...

Oh ho ho ho-tism

What is the way two French dudes share their files electronically?

Pierre to Pierre network.

Did you hear about the french cheese factory explosion?

de Brie everywhere

What do you call four hundred french rabbits turning around and running away from a fight?

A receding hare line.

What does a French baker say when they made a mistake?

Oh crepe

What's French for ladybug?

Buguette

Hey girl, are you the French Revolution?

Because I keep imagining you sans-culottes

Why do French tanks have rearview mirrors?

So they can see the battlefield.

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A Marine boarded a train on his way home from deployment...

The train was quite crowded, and the Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed middle-aged French woman, but when he got there he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French...

Kim Jong Un has an affair with a French lady and she had a son.

She named it Kim Jong Deux.

James French

Crime: killed two people.

Punishment: Death by electric chair.
#
>!French fries.!<

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A French , a Russian and an Indian are on a flight

They are the only passengers, and there is only one window. The French sits next to the window and cracks open the window

After a few hours he jumps up and down saying “we’re in france , we’re in france”. The other ask how does he know , to which the French says “ i can smell the aroma of my...

Got this friend who always drops french fries when he eats them. I told him to try onion rings because they're easier to hold, so he switched but it's still a problem.

They're dropping like fries.

During the French Revolution the Guillotine was a revolutionary piece of technology

Truly a piece of cutting-edge technology

I’ve never been able to count any higher than seven in French...

It turns out I’ve got a huit allergy

My girlfriend claims I can’t carry on claiming to have French-Italian heritage when people ask me where I’m from.

Corsican.

Why do French people only eat one egg?

Because it's *un oeuf*.

What do you say to a French guy trespassing on your property?

Baguette out.

In Heaven the cooks are French, the policemen are English, the mechanics are German, the lovers are Italian and the bankers are Swiss..

In Hell..


The cooks are English, the policemen are German, the mechanics are French, the lovers are Swiss and the bankers are Italian.

French people don’t smoke weed

They smoke oui’d

# An English and a french cat decide to race across the sea

The English cat was called “one two three four”
The French cat was called “un deux trois quatre”

“One two three four” won.... why?

Because “un deux trois quatre” *sank*

How does a French woman hold her liquor?

By the ears of course!

What do you call someone obssessed with French culture?

A ouiboo.

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How do you turn the Japanese flag into a French flag?

Remove the dot.

A Priest, a Politician, and an Engineer are set to be executed by guillotine during the French Revolution.

The Executioner brings the Priest up first. He ask him if he'd like to lie facing down or facing up for his death. He responds that he would like to be facing up, so he can see the heavens while he's going to God. So the Executioner lays the Priest down in the guillotine facing up. He then releases ...

What do you call a little boy who’s half French and half Scottish?

A oui lad

What do you call a dehydrated french man?

Pier (pronounced pee-air)

I went to a French zoo

There was a baguette in a cage, so I asked the keeper what that was about and apparently it was bread in captivity. (All credit to the wife for that one)

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Why the head of the penis is larger than the shaft.

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a mans' penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over $1.2 million. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft was to provide the man with more pleasure d...

What do French children call their adopted dad?

Faux Pa.

What do French cities and repetition have in common?

They both appear in Reddit comments.

Why is an engineer able to toast bread five different ways but cannot make French toast?

This makes Why's dad proud.

What did the French army general do on social media?

Retweet!

Did you hear about the new addition to French tanks?

A rear view camera, so they can see the battle going on.

I asked a french man if he plays video games

He said wii

I keep getting the same French Uber driver

Serge Pricing.

In French we don't say 'ninety nine'...

..instead we say 'quatre-vingt dix neuf' which translates as 'we don't have a functional numerical system'

Canada could have the best of 3 nations it is influenced by: French cuisine, British culture and American technology!

Instead, Canada got British cuisine, American culture and French technology.

What is the only thing a French drug dealer sells?

Oui-d

A French man loses his favorite olive oil, and becomes suicidal...

I've lost my huile d'olive!

A French philosopher and a horse walk into a bar...

The philosopher decides what he wants and walks up to the bar first. The bartender says "no no no", you never put Descartes before the horse.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling.

The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"


"Yes."

"Oui."

"Si."

"Ja."

What were the last words of the suicide bomber at the French restaurant?

Blown appetite.

I've heard the Canadian Prime-Minister has a French last name.

Is this Trudeau?

A German tourist goes to France. The French immigration officer asks him

"Occupation"?

The German says "No, just visiting".

I tried to make a joke about the French army.

Well, I gave up.

How many gears does a French tank have?

One forward, five reverse

Heard it before? Well I bet you don’t know how many gears a Swiss tank has

Because they’re always in neutral

French toast is so good

It just surrenders right in your mouth

Why do French men enjoy the Wisconsin country side?

They love that Dairy Air!

How do french werewolves say goodbye?

Awooo Revoir!

Why do the French eat snails?

They don't like fast food.

I'm still upset they marked me wrong on my 7th grade history test on the question "what did they set up during the French Revolution?"

I maintain that "lots and lots of guillotines" is technically correct...

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What do French people call masturbation?

menage-a-moi

Generally speaking, there are three different styles of cancan dances, 'French Cancan', 'British Cancan', and 'American Cancan'. In my opinion, French Cancan dances are able to outperform American Cancan dances and American Cancan dances can also outperform British Cancan dances.

In other words, Cancan Cancan can can can can Cancan.

Apparently the French just bought the rights to make a Mercedes S-Class Van

Its called the S-Cargo

Went to a haunted french restaurant the other day...

That place gave me the crepes.

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A Syrian kid in France.

A Syrian kid and his refugee family move to France. On his first day of school his teacher asks him "what is your name?". To which he politely responds, "My name is Abdul and I am from Syria (Middle-East accent)..She abruptly stops him and corrects him.
"No! From now on you are French and your n...

Did you guys hear about the French cheese factory that burnt down recently?

The only thing left was da Brie.

A German, a Frenchman and an Englishman go fishing...

They fish quite happily for a while until the German catches a huge golden fish, but as he pulls it off the hook it says "Please don't kill me! Spare my life and I'll grant you all a wish!"

The German throws the fish back and says "I wish for a mug of beer that will never empty", and immediat...

Why is the French flag blue, white, and red?

In case a war starts, they can tear off the sides and surrender.

What did the Cat burglar say when he was caught stealing from a French art museum?

I did it for the Monet

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Jacques Pierre- The French Fighter Pilot

One lovely afternoon, Jacques Pierre, the French fighter pilot was having a picnic with his new lady friend under a tree. She was very intrigued by him, as she had never been with a fighter pilot before. Soon enough, her emotions got the best of her, and she exclaimed "Kiss me, Jacques!" So he grabs...

A French man, a British man and a Spanish man are caught stealing in a foreign country.

They are prosecuted and the judge sentences them all to 100 lashes each. However he wants to look lenient in the eyes of their respective countries so he reduces the lashes to twenty and allows them to have two requests each before being lashed.

The Spanish is first to be lashed and requests ...

Did you hear about the French man who always wears denim?

His name is Jean Jaquette.

My mums sister gets angry and bakes french pastries...

She’s a cross aunt.

Today in class, we were supposed to draw the French flag.

For some reason, the paper my teacher gave me already had the flench flag on it so I just submitted it.


Why did he mark the work as unattempted? It was all white already...

What do you call a beautiful French dog

Bella

An English man,an Irish man, a french man and a German man get on a plane

The English man dropped a stone off the plane. The Irish man dropped a brick off the plane. The french man dropped a knife off the plane. The German man dropped a bomb off the plane. When the English man got home, he found his dad crying in the garden. “Why are you crying?” said the English man. <...

Did you hear about the French gym where you have to bring them a baguette or else they won’t let you in?

They have “No le pain, no gain” policy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(some very basic french is needed to understand) During the international annual ice cat race, they introduced all the cat-racers!

There was a french cat - Un Deux Trois

A spanish cat - Uno Dos Tres

And an american cat - one two three

The cats got behind the starting line on the ice, which was frozen on real water. The whistle was blown and the cats take off! Eventually, the French cat seems to be winning!...

What did the part First Nations, part French-Canadian pirate say after boiling a kettle on his 80th birthday?

Aye matey. I'm Métis. I made tea. I'm eighty.

One for the French speakers

A Frenchman was beating me with bread.
Oh, the pain!

What is a French policeman’s favourite past time?

Playing his oui u.

The European Space Agency (ESA) recruits one Dutch, one French and one Turkish astronaut for a space mission

As the mission should last 10 years, they ask the astronauts what they want to bring with them in space.

The Dutch says: "I would like to master a new language, can I bring a Spanish teacher?". ESA recruits the best Spanish teacher trains them and sends them to the space with the others.
<...

A Frenchman was showing of his yachts to a tourist

Frenchman: "This one is called Un, this one Deux, this one Trois, Quatre, Six, Se--"

Tourist: "Hold on, why is there no number 5?"

Frenchman: "It Cinq"

What do you call a man who randomly steals French pancakes?

A crepetomaniac

If a Swedish clown goes Hjönk, what does a French clown go?

On strike.

I used to know a French guy who kept snails in his pants...

..he called them "escargot shorts."

There was an explosion at a French cheese factory earlier today

Officials say theres nothing but de brie left.

Here's an example of a sentence in French:

Guillotine

Why do the French wear such big underwear?

It's easier to make white flags.

What does a French couple making love and an Ambulance have in common?

They both go OuiOuiOuiOuiOui.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In the middle ages a French town was under siege by an army from Marseille.

The general of the invading army sent a message to the besieged defenders, "Surrender, you have nothing to lose, Marseille".

They replied, "We shall not surrender, we have too much, Toulouse".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and an old lady are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps.

Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness.

On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.

The old lady thinks, “I be...

Why was King Louis happy when he was guillotined during the French Revolution

They lifted a weight off of his shoulders

Why are French cats always do cheerful?

Because they're always saying, "Le mao"

Why does the new French navy have glass bottom boats?

So they can see the old French navy.

What happens if you eat raw French fish?

You get food poissoning

All the French cities are too similar to each other

I mean they are all Nice but... I don’t know

The new French tanks have 14 gears...

13 to go in reverse and 1 to go in forward in-case the enemy attacks from behind.

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