This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pierre the French fighter pilot was the greatest fighter pilot the world had ever seen.

His skill in a plane was rivaled only by his skill in bed and he had many a fair young thing aching for his love.

On a bright summer day he was picnicking with a young lady in the shade of a willow tree near a lake. They had talked for a while but the woman could wait no longer and she leane...

A French, a German and an Italian spy are captured one day. The captors grab the French spy, take him to the next room and tie his hands behind a chair. They then proceed to torture him for 2 hours before he finally cracks, answers all questions and gives up all of his secrets.

The captors then grab the German spy. They tie his hands behind the chair in the next room too and torture him for 4 hours before he finally cracks and tells them what they want to know.

They then grabbed the Italian spy. Once again, they tie his hands behind the chair and begin torturing.4 h...

What do french people call Marijuana?

Oui'd

Why do French tanks have rear view mirrors?

So they can see the battlefield!

Me and my French girlfriend started a bakery in Paris with our life savings. It didn't take off. I went bankrupt. She left me.

Now all I have is pain.

I once asked an affluent French baker how he'd managed to make so much money making bread. His answer:

Success baguettes success.

A math teacher welcomed a new French exchange student into her class and then started teaching a lesson on fractions.

The French exchange student raised his hand and said, "Excuse me Madam, but I don't know how to say fractions. How do you say those?"

"Easy," said the teacher, "you just say the top number and then the bottom number is read as an ordinal number. For example, 2/3 is 'two-thirds', 3/4 is 'three...

When I had dinner with my parents at a restaurant, they argued over whether we should get french fries or mashed potatoes to go with the steak. They asked me whom I agreed with,

but I couldn't pick a side

Why do the French never have more than one egg for breakfast?

Because one egg is un oeuf

I was held captive by some French-Canadian terrorists...

They forced me to eat hundreds of meat pies.

It was tourtière.

I Spent All Week Trying to Come Up With a Joke About The French Army...

...but I decided to just give up.

An English man, a French man, a Spanish man and a German man were watching a juggler.

An English man, a French man, a Spanish man and a German man were watching a juggler performing, but the juggler noticed they couldn’t see very well, so he stood on a crate and called out, “Can you see me now?”

They replied, “Yes,” “Oui,” “Si,” “Ja.”

What’s the difference between a French kiss and an Australian kiss?

They’re the same kiss, but the Aussie one is down under.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and a homely brunette are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps.

Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.

The brunette thinks "I bet that di...

If you fall in a pile of french bread, will you die?

No, but you will be in a lot of "pain"

What’s the difference between a tea bag and the French National Team?

A tea bag stays in the cup longer

What does a French cat say?

LMAO

I don't understand French women.

Or French men, I don't understand French.

Why do French people eat snails?

They don't like fast food.

Marie Antoinette could have avoided the French Revolution

Marie Antoinette could have avoided the French Revolution simply by issuing an edict the distribute bread among the poor.
However, she didn’t do that because you can’t have your cake and edict too.

To think, Louis and Marie-Antoinette almost won the French Revolution.

They were neck and neck.

A French man and a German sit at a bar

The French man says to the German, “In France, we have fun by going to the park, eating bread with cheese, and mocking tourists. What is it that you Germans do for fun?” The German replied, “In Germany we ride the autobahn, visit historical sites, and learn about the world.” “Pah!”, the French man s...

what do you call a medieval french man covered in sperm

circumference

What is a French Mushroom’s favourite rock song?

We Are The Champignons

Don't know what it is about French ducks...

...but they have a certain je ne sais quack about them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Isn't it amazing that the French had the Flying Buttress in the 1400s

but could not produce a flying aeroplane till the late 1800s.

French border Officer : Occupation?

German Tourist: No No, just visiting

Famished and in the mood to try a new restaurant, a man goes to a new French restaueanr and orders the soup.

After a few mins, the waiter arrives with the man's soup, and places it in front of him. The man notices that the waiter's thumb was in his soup, but was too hungry to say anything. The man arte the soup, and returned with friends the following night.
Having enjoyed the soup so much, the man orde...

What did the French trademark lawyer say to his wife?

Je ™

A French man, a German, a Portuguese man and a Swede are all sitting in a bar.

Normally there’s also a Belgian in this joke but he’s still at the Euro cup…

When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Excuse my french" after a swear word...

…I'll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any french.

Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France?

They were cooked in Greece.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I work in a factory that makes McDonalds french fries...

One of co-workers told me yesterday that he's always wanted to put his dick in the Potato Peeler. I tried to talk him out of it, but I could tell he had already made his mind up to do it. I saw him today; he was clearing out his desk. "So you went ahead and did it?" "Yeah, and I got caught, so they ...

"Un, deux, trois, quatre", radioed the French ship...

...before it cinq.

"Eins, zwei, drei", radioed the German ship vierlessly, but then silence.

"Uno, dos", radioed the Spanish ship, and then disappeared without a tres.

"One," radioed the British ship before it went two.

"Oh," radioed the American sub. "I guess we won"

What did French Humpty Dumpty say when he fell?

Oeuf.

There are two types of people I hate.

1. Racists

2. The French

What did the French man say to the other French man?

I don’t know, I don’t speak French.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ireland Declares War on France

The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

"Hallo!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy Down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," the President of France ...

I bought some french hens recently, but it’s very frustrating that so far they’ve only laid a single egg

Un oeuf is enough.

A German crosses the French border...

A French customs officer stops him and asks him some questions.

'Name?'

'Baer Vitme.'

'Residence?'

'Ludwigslust.'

'Occupation?'

'Not yet, just visiting!'

What do you get when you drop a bomb in a French kitchen?

Linoleum Blownapart.

French kids are kind..

But German kids are kinder

The French chef's apprentice really messed up when he dropped an ostrich egg on the floor.

Big ouef

What do you call a french man wearing sandals?

Phillipe phillope

How do French people know how long to boil an egg?

They just know when they boiled enough.

A tired man walks into a French restaurant for a date...

(This is a really old and kinda long joke my parents used to tell me. It's translated from Spanish so bear with me.)

The man hated French food, but the woman was supposed to be an absolute beauty, so he agreed. He arrived at the incredibly fancy restaurant, exhausted from a day of work, and s...

To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through their heart.

It may sound easy, but the process is painstaking.

My 5 year old son told me this one, I am still amazed: What do French Frogs eat?

French Flies

What do you call a French guy with an empty bladder?

Pierre

A spreadable preserve made of good French ham

Bon jambon jam.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An American guy is talking to his friend about a French girl he likes...

"I've always had a thing for French women!" he says "So I can't wait to tell my crush that!"

"That's not right," says his friend. "It's not good to generalize her like that it'll make her think you see all French as the same! I've had a career in International Relations so I have some advice ...

In the French Navy, it's considered unlucky to have the number 5 in a ship's name...

Because all of the ships with that number in their name... cinq

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do we call French family members having sex with each other?

In-c'est

An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Ethiopian all sit in the hospital lobby as their wives are giving birth.

After a while the doctor comes out, invites them into the nursery where 3 babies lie in cribs and says: "Congratulation! You all just became fathers! But there is one problem. Due to a nurse's error the babies got mixed up and we don't really know which one who's."

The Englishman suddenly gra...

A German tourist driving through France gets pulled over for speeding, and the French police officer starts questioning him.

FPO: Name?

GT: Hans Schmidt.

FPO: Age?

GT: 36

FPO: Occupation?

GT: No! No! I’m only here on vacation!

What do you get when you throw a grenade into a French Bathroom?

linoleon Blownaparte.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My favourite joke to perform. Terrible accent recommended.

Pierre, zee French fighter pilot is with his amour.

"Oh, Pierre, I want you to kiss me", she exclaims.

And so he tilts her chin up and leans in, but just before he plants a kiss on her lips, he pours a little red wine on them, and then goes in for the kiss.

"Oh, Pierre, mon di...

Once an American, a French and an Indian were travelling in an airplane.

To find out where they have reached, the American stretched his hand out of the plane and said, "We have reached America".

The other two asked how for which he replied,"Well my hand hit the Statue of Liberty".

Next the French stretches his hand out and said,"We have reached France"....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

French people don’t masturbate

They jacques off

The captured English general and French general

a bash on the French, plus first post here: apologies, but anyway ...



During the Napoleonic wars, an English general (EG) is captured by the French. eventually the French general (FG) responsible for the capturing force faces upto the EG for the interrogation:

FG: i dont unders...

A French story

French army officer reilised they had ran out of flags in their battalion.

He asks a soldier who he knows is good at art to make a flag with some paint they have in the factory they're held up in

The soldier agrees, and spends the whole night painting

Comes to the officer the ne...

What does a french Fred Flintstone say when he leaves.

Yabba dabb-adieu

A french man and his wife go shopping in America

As they are walking down the aisles, she is placing items in bags for them to buy. He is mindlessly walking behind her while she does so, he is missing the simple pleasures of France.
She stops and looks at her husband and holds up a loaf of bread. "Honey, do we need bread? Should I put it in a ...

What was the name of that old French singer again?

I keep forgetting.

What do you call 5 naked French men?

Deix Nuts!

What do you call a French man walking on the beach?

Philippe Philoppe.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On a crowded train, travelling somewhere in Europe.

A U.S. Marine walked the entire length of the train looking for a seat before realizing that the only seat available was currently occupied by a well-dressed, middle-aged French woman's poodle.

The weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman just sniffed, and said t...

How does a French girl hold her liquor?

By the ears.

Just learned that French fashion designers are trying to develop a clothing line made from frozen water.

I SWEAR!!

A frog took a DNA test

The results said he was 20% British, 30% French and a tad Pole.

My pants are French.

They are....Toulouse

3 housewifes got fed up of cooking

so the 3 wives ( a british , a french and a russian ) decided not to cook for 3 days

at the end of the three days, they met again

the british said " the first day I didn't see anything new, the second day he went to the kitchen and started cooking"

the french said " the first ...

Where was the french fry born?

Greece!

Sorry it’s the only joke I know :(

Asked my French friend if he played any video games

He said "wii"

A Native American, Pirate, and Frenchman walk into a bar.

The bartender walks over and says, "Gentlemen, hau, arrrrrrr, oui, today?"

Why did the French chef commit suicide?

He lost the huile d’olive

What do you call a French sports car?

A Baguetti

An English athlete, a French athlete and a Russian athlete are all on the medal podium at the 1976 Summer Olympics chatting before the medal ceremony.

“Don't get me wrong" says the Englishman, "winning a medal is very nice, but I still feel the greatest pleasure in life is getting home after a long day, putting one's feet up and having a nice cup of tea".

"You Englishman" snorts the Frenchman, "you have no sense of romance. The greatest ple...

I finally got the nerve to ask out the hot French exchange student...

But for some reason, instead of answering, she commented on my recent growth spurt.

But her English isn't so good and I had to correct her.

"No no," I said, "there is no 'ARE' in the sentence. It is just 'You grew some'."

What do you call French people who like manga and anime?

Ouibs.

You know what they say about the French royal family?

It was a good idea on paper but they lost their heads in the execution.

What's the best part in a joke about French royals?

The execution

Just after WWII begins the commander of one of African garrisons recieves a telegram:

''The war is declared, immidiately find and arrest all enemies in your area.''

After some time he sends a performance report:

''The order was executed. 4 Germans, 2 French, 1 Belgian, 3 Americans were arrested. Please, immidiately report who are we at war with.''

A french pastry chef spends his holidays in the US and needs to go see the local medic...

Pastry chef : Euh Docteur, I häv terribeul pain when I eat chocolate!

Doctor checks him out and after a few moments says : Ah yes, typical case of <puts on sunglasses>... PAIN AU CHOCOLAT.

Why do the french wear their mask on the neck?

They don't want cou vide .

Have you heard of a French ABBA cover band with just 3 members?

They're not any good, completely butcher the songs.

They're called ABBA Trois

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend said he saw a nocturnal mammal defecate in a French River

I told him that's bat shit in Seine

I tried to get to 2nd base with this French girl I met at the zoo

but I couldn't get past ze bra.

What did the french cat say when it wanted to go outside?

Le meow

A frog did one of those ancestry tests.

She found out she was a little English, a little French and a tad Pole.

A World War I French fighter pilot walks into a bar...

He goes up to the bartender, orders a glass of red wine and walks over to a beautiful woman. Taken to him, he passionately kisses her on the lips and then takes a sip of wine.

“I am Jacque La Roque, famous French fighter pilot! When I have the red meat I must have the red wine.

She rep...

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Russian are looking at the Garden of Eden by Michelangelo.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Russian are looking at the Garden of Eden by Michelangelo. They're having a debate on what nationality Adam and Eve are. The Englishman says "they look so fancy and regal, they must be English". The Frenchman says "they look so good while naked, they're clearly Fren...

What did the French groundhog see on February 2nd?

His chateau

A young French boy comes home with a wheel of cheese that he found.

His mother says, “Merci! Where did you find this Brillat-Savarin?”

The boy says, “No mommy, it’s nacho cheese.”

His mother says, “Are you sure? It says Brillat-Savarin on the label.”

“I know,” says the boy, “but when I found it, I heard a voice yell at me and say, ‘Hey, that’s n...

3 Un Jokes of the day

What did one Frenchmen say to the other? I don't speak French and would like to know.

A Bear walks into a bar and the patrons leave slowly noticing the situation could be potentially dangerous.

What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor in the tall corn; Where is my Tractor....

A Frenchman Visits Texas

A French man came to Texas to visit an old friend from WW2. The Texan picked him up in his gigantic Cadillac with longhorns mounted on the hood. Knowing that his friend must be hungry and thirsty after the long flight, he stopped at a bar and grill on the way. They walked in and took a seat at the b...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to France for a golf tournament, but hires a hooker for the night before

The woman gets there and pretty soon they start doing their thing. While they're having sex, the hooker keeps saying a phrase over and over again, but the man can't understand what she's saying because he doesn't know much French. The man assumes that she's saying something that would indicate that ...

Lets face it English is a stupid language There is no egg in the eggplant No ham in the hamburger And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England

French Fries Were Not Invented In France.

We Sometimes Take English For Granted

But If We Examine Its Paradoxes We Find That:

Quicksand Takes You Down Slowly

Boxing Rings Are Square

And A Guinea Pig Is Neither From Guinea Nor Is It A Pig.

If Writers Write, H...

The french revolution

The french revolution was kind of a pain in the neck, but once it was over it was a weight off of some people's shoulders

Personally I think you should start the day off with a meal of French mushrooms

...Breakfast of champignons

Sharing is caring...

The old man placed order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Simple Economics

SOCIALISMYou have 2 cows.You give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and sells you some milk

NAZISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and shoots you

BUREAUCRATISMYou hav...

Heaven and Hell according to Europe

Heaven is a place where,
all the cops are British,
all the chefs are French,
all the engineers are German,
all the parties are organized by the Italians,
and it’s all run by the Swiss

Hell is a place where,
all the cops are German,
all the chefs are British (sorry Gordon...

Why do the French like escargot so much?

Well, they've long expressed their disdain for fast food.

The flag on the moon.

The flag on the moon is fading from the constant exposure to the sun. My grandfather said "Great in a few more years people are going to think the French landed there. "

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Many cultures have left a stain on our sexual vocabulary

Many cultures have left a mark on our sexual vocabulary. From the sensual, the homoerotic all the way to the asexual. In that order, we have French kissing, doing it the Greek way, and going Dutch.

What's a difference between a suicidal french speakee & a terrified english speaker when you point a gun at them?

I don't know, it sounds the same.

A French guy asks his friend, "Did you hear the joke about the Chinese Chairman?"

His friend responds, "Yeah, Le Mao"

A English man, a Spaniard, a French man, and a German. Go to a club. The guy on stage asks if they can see him. They said

“Yes””oui””si””ja”

i had a one night stand with a really wild girl

the next morning she made me french toast

she got her tongue caught in the toaster.

What do Praying Mantises and the French have in common?

They both like getting off with the head after being screwed royally.

I have a pet horse fly

I call him Pegasus

I also have a pet crane fly called Derrick

I briefly had a French cheese fly

A New Yorker Was Teaching A Midwesterner How To Ski

A Midwesterner is on vacation in the Poconos. Over there, he decides to take up downhill skiing. He's done a lot of cross country skiing, but he's never skied downhill, since there are no mountains over in Fargo. Fargo's flatter than a pancake.

He decided to try downhill skiing. "How hahr...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My doctor gave me 6 months, so I shot him.

## The judge gave me 60 years!


&nbsp;

&nbsp;

&nbsp;


### My (other) favorite one liners:

1. I’ve had amnesia for as long as I can remember.

1. What do you call a cheap circumcision? A ripoff.

1. French tanks have five rever...

Famous french joke , long but gold

One day a little girl go to sleep and her dad leave her room after that he read her a story and she says « goodbye granddad, protect dad and mom and grandma ». Then on the morning , the grandfather dies . The dad is lost but thinks its nothing . The next night , her daughter says « goodbye grandma ,...

What did the French dessert say when it was leaving?

Bonbon voyage

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.