Why do french people look so depressed ?

Because the light at the end of the tunnel is England



(stolen from twitter, no idea if it's an original)

Where do French gangsters hang out?

The baghetto.

A French, a German and an Italian spy are captured one day. The captors grab the French spy, take him to the next room and tie his hands behind a chair. They then proceed to torture him for 2 hours before he finally cracks, answers all questions and gives up all of his secrets.

The captors then grab the German spy. They tie his hands behind the chair in the next room too and torture him for 4 hours before he finally cracks and tells them what they want to know.

They then grabbed the Italian spy. Once again, they tie his hands behind the chair and begin torturing.4 h...

What did the pancake say to the French cook?

you're creping me out

Who do Canadians hate more than the French?

French Canadians

(I’m sorry)

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and a homely brunette...

..are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the French...

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Pierre the French fighter pilot was the greatest fighter pilot the world had ever seen.

His skill in a plane was rivaled only by his skill in bed and he had many a fair young thing aching for his love.

On a bright summer day he was picnicking with a young lady in the shade of a willow tree near a lake. They had talked for a while but the woman could wait no longer and she leane...

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The King of France, The King of England and The King of Spain are having an argument over who has the biggest penis.

Eventually they decide to let the people judge. They all stand on a stage in front of the people and drop their pants one by one.


The King of France drops his and the French crowd shout "Viva la France!!"


The King of Spain drops his and the Spanish crowd shout "Viva la Es...

There was a young French artillery officer, who had notions of grandeur, that is, until the day he stood too close to a firing cannon

He thought he was Napoleon, but he was actually blown-a-part.

What do you call two French women who can't satisfy each other?

*Lez Miserables*

Gwen Stefani doesn't enjoy French authors

She ain't no Houellebecq girl.

Did you hear about the agreeable French pig?

He went oui oui oui, all the way home!

What do french people call Marijuana?

Oui'd

What is a masochist French baker's biggest passion?

Pain!

I watched Beauty and the Beast with French Mr. T

It was a normal movie night, until the part in the Gaston song where he punches Le Fou, and Mr T. yelled out " Pause the movie!". I asked him "Why, what's wrong?" French Mr T. cried out " I pity LeFou!"

What's a French gamer's favorite gamemode in halo?

Regicide!

What’s the difference between a French university student and a Russian one?

The French student is well shaved and slightly drunk; the Russian one is vice versa

Why do French tanks have rear view mirrors?

So they can see the battlefield!

What do French dogs start their recipes with?

A roux

The original joke was in French but I'll try my best

A French boy comes home from school quite frustrated and decides to speak to his father. "Dad," he said

"Yes son?" his dad replied.

"Today, one of my friends from Burundi called me an idiot. He said we colonised his country. What does that mean?"

"It means we invaded his country...

Me and my French girlfriend started a bakery in Paris with our life savings. It didn't take off. I went bankrupt. She left me.

Now all I have is pain.

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I've adapted a play about a hoard of small Chinese rodents that go to Paris during the French revolution and then all run off a cliff into the Seine.

Le Mings

A math teacher welcomed a new French exchange student into her class and then started teaching a lesson on fractions.

The French exchange student raised his hand and said, "Excuse me Madam, but I don't know how to say fractions. How do you say those?"

"Easy," said the teacher, "you just say the top number and then the bottom number is read as an ordinal number. For example, 2/3 is 'two-thirds', 3/4 is 'three...

When I was visiting France, my French friends kept insisting I stay up every night and do drugs.

I was under a lot of Pierre pressure.

Why do the French never have more than one egg for breakfast?

Because one egg is un oeuf

I once asked an affluent French baker how he'd managed to make so much money making bread. His answer:

Success baguettes success.

Just seen a French footballing legend playing a computer game

It was Thierry on Wii

What’s a French person’s favorite drug?

Oui’d

How do French police sweat information out of a suspect?

they put the suspect in a J'accuzzi

I was held captive by some French-Canadian terrorists...

They forced me to eat hundreds of meat pies.

It was tourtière.

When I had dinner with my parents at a restaurant, they argued over whether we should get french fries or mashed potatoes to go with the steak. They asked me whom I agreed with,

but I couldn't pick a side

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I work in a factory that makes McDonalds french fries...

One of co-workers told me yesterday that he's always wanted to put his dick in the Potato Peeler. I tried to talk him out of it, but I could tell he had already made his mind up to do it. I saw him today; he was clearing out his desk. "So you went ahead and did it?" "Yeah, and I got caught, so they ...

The value of French Impressionism...

...is largely determined by Monet Laundering.

I Spent All Week Trying to Come Up With a Joke About The French Army...

...but I decided to just give up.

What do they call a French guy on slippers?

Philippe Philoppe

What do you get when your French and Spanish friends mix?

Mon amigos

What’s the difference between a tea bag and the French National Team?

A tea bag stays in the cup longer

I, a French person, recently bought a female hamster from the Netherlands

Her name is 'Amster Dame.

To think, Louis and Marie-Antoinette almost won the French Revolution.

They were neck and neck.

what do you call a medieval french man covered in sperm

circumference

Veterans Day

An elderly American gentleman of 97 arrived in Paris by plane. At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag. "You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked, sarcastically. He admitted he had been to France previously. "Then ...

If you fall in a pile of french bread, will you die?

No, but you will be in a lot of "pain"

When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Excuse my french" after a swear word...

…I'll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any french.

Why do French people eat snails?

They don't like fast food.

An English man, a French man, a Spanish man and a German man were watching a juggler.

An English man, a French man, a Spanish man and a German man were watching a juggler performing, but the juggler noticed they couldn’t see very well, so he stood on a crate and called out, “Can you see me now?”

They replied, “Yes,” “Oui,” “Si,” “Ja.”

A French man and a German sit at a bar

The French man says to the German, “In France, we have fun by going to the park, eating bread with cheese, and mocking tourists. What is it that you Germans do for fun?” The German replied, “In Germany we ride the autobahn, visit historical sites, and learn about the world.” “Pah!”, the French man s...

French border Officer : Occupation?

German Tourist: No No, just visiting

Marie Antoinette could have avoided the French Revolution

Marie Antoinette could have avoided the French Revolution simply by issuing an edict the distribute bread among the poor.
However, she didn’t do that because you can’t have your cake and edict too.

"Un, deux, trois, quatre", radioed the French ship...

...before it cinq.

"Eins, zwei, drei", radioed the German ship vierlessly, but then silence.

"Uno, dos", radioed the Spanish ship, and then disappeared without a tres.

"One," radioed the British ship before it went two.

"Oh," radioed the American sub. "I guess we won"

What did the French trademark lawyer say to his wife?

Je ™

What did French Humpty Dumpty say when he fell?

Oeuf.

A French man, a German, a Portuguese man and a Swede are all sitting in a bar.

Normally there’s also a Belgian in this joke but he’s still at the Euro cup…

What is a French Mushroom’s favourite rock song?

We Are The Champignons

Don't know what it is about French ducks...

...but they have a certain je ne sais quack about them.

Famished and in the mood to try a new restaurant, a man goes to a new French restaueanr and orders the soup.

After a few mins, the waiter arrives with the man's soup, and places it in front of him. The man notices that the waiter's thumb was in his soup, but was too hungry to say anything. The man arte the soup, and returned with friends the following night.
Having enjoyed the soup so much, the man orde...

What do you call a french man wearing sandals?

Phillipe phillope

A tired man walks into a French restaurant for a date...

(This is a really old and kinda long joke my parents used to tell me. It's translated from Spanish so bear with me.)

The man hated French food, but the woman was supposed to be an absolute beauty, so he agreed. He arrived at the incredibly fancy restaurant, exhausted from a day of work, and s...

Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France?

They were cooked in Greece.

What did the French man say to the other French man?

I don’t know, I don’t speak French.

What’s a Frenchman’s favorite appendage?

Defeat.

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Isn't it amazing that the French had the Flying Buttress in the 1400s

but could not produce a flying aeroplane till the late 1800s.

I bought some french hens recently, but it’s very frustrating that so far they’ve only laid a single egg

Un oeuf is enough.

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French people don’t masturbate

They jacques off

An American radio station once rang the British Embassy, and asked the ambassador what would be his ideal Christmas present.

He thought: ”I’d better not say anything extravagant or expensive, like a Rolls-Royce, because if they gave me something like that it would cause a scandal.” So he said: “A box of crystallised fruits.”

A couple of days later, in a holiday special, the station announced: “We asked amba...

A German crosses the French border...

A French customs officer stops him and asks him some questions.

'Name?'

'Baer Vitme.'

'Residence?'

'Ludwigslust.'

'Occupation?'

'Not yet, just visiting!'

There are two types of people I hate.

1. Racists

2. The French

In the French Navy, it's considered unlucky to have the number 5 in a ship's name...

Because all of the ships with that number in their name... cinq

An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Ethiopian all sit in the hospital lobby as their wives are giving birth.

After a while the doctor comes out, invites them into the nursery where 3 babies lie in cribs and says: "Congratulation! You all just became fathers! But there is one problem. Due to a nurse's error the babies got mixed up and we don't really know which one who's."

The Englishman suddenly gra...

How do French people know how long to boil an egg?

They just know when they boiled enough.

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Ireland Declares War on France

The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

"Hallo!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy Down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," the President of France ...

To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through their heart.

It may sound easy, but the process is painstaking.

French kids are kind..

But German kids are kinder

Does your family say a prayer before you eat dinner?

Non. We are French, we know how to cook.

What do you get when you drop a bomb in a French kitchen?

Linoleum Blownapart.

American Tourist

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of beer.

After awhile, he finds himself in a very hi...

A German tourist driving through France gets pulled over for speeding, and the French police officer starts questioning him.

FPO: Name?

GT: Hans Schmidt.

FPO: Age?

GT: 36

FPO: Occupation?

GT: No! No! I’m only here on vacation!

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What do we call French family members having sex with each other?

In-c'est

The French chef's apprentice really messed up when he dropped an ostrich egg on the floor.

Big ouef

All the mathematical functions are having a party

The polynomials are dancing, the square root function is drinking, yet the exponential function remains to the side.

so the inverse function asks what's wrong.

To which the exponential function responds: whether I integrate or not, nothing will change, now leave.

(courtesy ...

My 5 year old son told me this one, I am still amazed: What do French Frogs eat?

French Flies

An Acadian, a Newfie and a Quebec'er were walking down the beach when they they found a Genie's lamp

The Genie said that he would grant them each one wish. The Genie turned to the Acadian and asked "What will be your wish?"

The Acadian said "Well, I had to start working out West and they don't speak a lot of French there, so it would be nice if they would accept me for who I am."

Th...

What do you get when you throw a grenade into a French Bathroom?

linoleon Blownaparte.

A spreadable preserve made of good French ham

Bon jambon jam.

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On a crowded train, travelling somewhere in Europe.

A U.S. Marine walked the entire length of the train looking for a seat before realizing that the only seat available was currently occupied by a well-dressed, middle-aged French woman's poodle.

The weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman just sniffed, and said t...

Asked my French friend if he played any video games

He said "wii"

What does a french Fred Flintstone say when he leaves.

Yabba dabb-adieu

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Three navy leaders from three different countries are arguing about who has the bravest soliders.

Three navy leaders from three different countries are arguing about who has the bravest soliders.

The American navy leader says "I'll show how brave my soldiers are! John! Climb to the top of the mast of this ship and dive head first into the water!"

"On it, sir!" John replies.

...

Why did the French chef commit suicide?

He lost the huile d’olive

What was the name of that old French singer again?

I keep forgetting.

What do you call 5 naked French men?

Deix Nuts!

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My favourite joke to perform. Terrible accent recommended.

Pierre, zee French fighter pilot is with his amour.

"Oh, Pierre, I want you to kiss me", she exclaims.

And so he tilts her chin up and leans in, but just before he plants a kiss on her lips, he pours a little red wine on them, and then goes in for the kiss.

"Oh, Pierre, mon di...

An English athlete, a French athlete and a Russian athlete are all on the medal podium at the 1976 Summer Olympics chatting before the medal ceremony.

“Don't get me wrong" says the Englishman, "winning a medal is very nice, but I still feel the greatest pleasure in life is getting home after a long day, putting one's feet up and having a nice cup of tea".

"You Englishman" snorts the Frenchman, "you have no sense of romance. The greatest ple...

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An American guy is talking to his friend about a French girl he likes...

"I've always had a thing for French women!" he says "So I can't wait to tell my crush that!"

"That's not right," says his friend. "It's not good to generalize her like that it'll make her think you see all French as the same! I've had a career in International Relations so I have some advice ...

Once an American, a French and an Indian were travelling in an airplane.

To find out where they have reached, the American stretched his hand out of the plane and said, "We have reached America".

The other two asked how for which he replied,"Well my hand hit the Statue of Liberty".

Next the French stretches his hand out and said,"We have reached France"....

Just learned that French fashion designers are trying to develop a clothing line made from frozen water.

I SWEAR!!

How does a French girl hold her liquor?

By the ears.

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NSFW I got confused between the difference between oral and anal

You can imagine my horror when we got told to do a French oral presentation for GCSE

The captured English general and French general

a bash on the French, plus first post here: apologies, but anyway ...



During the Napoleonic wars, an English general (EG) is captured by the French. eventually the French general (FG) responsible for the capturing force faces upto the EG for the interrogation:

FG: i dont unders...

I’m opening my French dessert making company for my erotic clientele

I shall call it OnlyFlans

My pants are French.

They are....Toulouse

A french man and his wife go shopping in America

As they are walking down the aisles, she is placing items in bags for them to buy. He is mindlessly walking behind her while she does so, he is missing the simple pleasures of France.
She stops and looks at her husband and holds up a loaf of bread. "Honey, do we need bread? Should I put it in a ...

What do you call a French sports car?

A Baguetti

What do you call French people who like manga and anime?

Ouibs.

Hey girl have you ever had an Australian kiss?

It’s like a French kiss but down under

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Woman meets the Italian

One day, a woman has a date with a French guy at his hotel room, floor 10. The french guy makes the balcony in a romantic mood, wine, food so the woman can enjoy the time with him.

After some time, woman asks the french guy:

Woman: If I would be your girlfriend, how would you treat me?...

I finally got the nerve to ask out the hot French exchange student...

But for some reason, instead of answering, she commented on my recent growth spurt.

But her English isn't so good and I had to correct her.

"No no," I said, "there is no 'ARE' in the sentence. It is just 'You grew some'."

You know what they say about the French royal family?

It was a good idea on paper but they lost their heads in the execution.

Where was the french fry born?

Greece!

Sorry it’s the only joke I know :(

A furniture salesman from Ontario was on a business trip in Quebec, selling furniture to various stores.

After a long day of selling furniture in Montreal, the guy was almost back in his hotel when he ran into a gorgeous woman who seemed to be interested in him. But he spoke no French, and she spoke no English. So he came up with a plan.

The guy pulled out a notepad and drew a picture of a taxi....

One day a German guy and French guy was in a bar talking to eachother

These two dudes were in a bar, having drinks and chatting, then the French guy said

French guy: All of you Germans are the same! Your all boring and none of you know how to have fun!

And with out skipping a beat the German guy said

German guy: last time we had fun america had to...

A French story

French army officer reilised they had ran out of flags in their battalion.

He asks a soldier who he knows is good at art to make a flag with some paint they have in the factory they're held up in

The soldier agrees, and spends the whole night painting

Comes to the officer the ne...

Why do the french wear their mask on the neck?

They don't want cou vide .

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My friend said he saw a nocturnal mammal defecate in a French River

I told him that's bat shit in Seine

Have you heard of a French ABBA cover band with just 3 members?

They're not any good, completely butcher the songs.

They're called ABBA Trois

I tried to get to 2nd base with this French girl I met at the zoo

but I couldn't get past ze bra.

What did the French groundhog see on February 2nd?

His chateau

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Three men are on a river expedition in the Amazon

Three men are on a river expedition in the Amazon. One from England, one from France, and one from New York. A few days into the trip they encounter some rapids and wreck their boat. They wash up on shore and are immediately captured by a local tribe. The leader of the tribe steps forward and says ...

What's the best part in a joke about French royals?

The execution

What did the french cat say when it wanted to go outside?

Le meow

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