Why did the French chef commit suicide?

He lost the huile d’olive

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I work in a factory that makes McDonalds french fries...

One of co-workers told me yesterday that he's always wanted to put his dick in the Potato Peeler. I tried to talk him out of it, but I could tell he had already made his mind up to do it. I saw him today; he was clearing out his desk. "So you went ahead and did it?" "Yeah, and I got caught, so they ...

Turns out we’ve all been lied to about French fries. The first fries weren’t actually cooked in France.

They were cooked in Greece.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An American was talking to a Japanese friend on why he wouldn't eat french fries and hamburgers...

The Japanese friend said: "In Japan normally we don't eat a lot of unhealthy stuff because it'll make us fat".

The American said: "Why do you care about being fat?"

The Japanese friend said: "You don't want to know what happened last time when we had a fat man in Japan..."

Why do French tanks have rear view mirrors?

So they can see the battlefield

I asked a French man if he played video games...

he said wii

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

French people don’t masturbate

They jacques off

An aristocrat, his chef and chief engineer were set to be executed during the French Revolution

An aristocrat, his chef and chief engineer were set to be executed during the French Revolution.

The aristocrat is brought to the guillotine and said "I am not afraid of my mortality. I refuse a blindfold and I wish to be face up so I can look death straight in the eyes!"

The execution...

I had 3 French cats. The three are named un, and deux who could swim,

but, my trois cat sank.

An English cat named ABC challenges a French cat named 123 to a swim across the English Channel, from the UK to France. They both swim hard, but only the English cat makes it. What happened to the other cat?

Well, un deux trois quatre cinq.

Why do French military vehicles have rearview mirrors?

So they can see the front lines

French guy goes into a bar with a frog on his head

The bartender asks “where’d you get that?” And the frog says “in France. There’s loads of them”

Why are French snails faster than snails from other countries?

L’ess cargo.

A French teacher is asking her students questions in class

Teacher: hey Bradley, what does “beaucoup” translate to in English? By the way nice shirt.

Bradley: thanks, that means alot

James French

A man named James French was sitting in the electric chair and when asked for his last words by a reporter he replied:

"How's this for a headline;

French fries".

(this actually happened)

A girl was studying French, and doing very well at it.

One day, she asked her teacher “Do you know anything about Spanish? For I know everything there is to know about French, and I need a new language.”

The teacher responded “What a sudden change! And why would you possibly ask me, your French teacher? This was completely unexpected!”

“No...

The troubles of foreigners in Canada

A patron in a Montreal restaurant turned on a tap in the washroom and got scalded.

"This is an outrage," he complained. "The faucet marked 'C' gave me boiling water."

"But, Monsieur, 'C' stands for chaud – French for hot. You should know that if you live in Montreal."

"Wait a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

French Woman

The train was quite crowded and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed French woman, but when he got there, he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"


The French w...

What do you call a french dog that loves potatoes?

A pomme de terrier

What do you call a bunch of French fries at a ballgame?

Spectaters

My French friends can get me to do anything. I'm highly susceptible to Pierre pressure.

I don't know what a "tua" is but, I think I could manage one.

An English man, French ,Italian and German are standing at the side of a street watching a street performer.

The street performer noticed that they all have poor eye sight so he asked them whether they can see him and they responded: "Yes" "Oui" "Sì" "Ja"

What's 420 blaze it in french?

80 blaze it!

Why do the French make their omelettes with only one egg instead of two or three?

Because in France, one egg is un oeuf.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Never have French babies come to your home.

They always poop in the couches.

Teacher to student: I'm sorry Steve but i have to fail you on your french, you are just terrible...

Teacher:what do you have to say for yourself?

Student : Gracias

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a french prostitute in Pakistan?

Lahore

When I was a kid, my parents would always say, “Excuse my French!” after a swear word...

I’ll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any French...

My French girlfriend cheated on me and then suddenly moved to Pakistan.

Lahore.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Dutch, a French and a Mexican were bragging about their countries...

The Dutchman says, "we have tulips in our country so beautiful that'd astound you". The other two say, "your tulips are nothing, we wipe our butts with those!".
The Frenchman says,"we've got irises in our country so delicate that'd amaze you". The other two say, "your irises are nothing, we wipe ...

Why do the French eat escargot?

They don’t like fast food.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a good French transvestite homosexual?

Les Bien

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you. Don't bother coming after me.”



Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.

She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes, he wrote something on...

What game do French immigrants play

Lacrosse

Teacher - What can you say to your wife in French?

Student - Screw French, you can't say anything to your wife in any language!

Why did Mick, the French baker, have to self-isolate? [Genuine OC, I promise]

...Because he told everyone he had the pain de Mick at his boulangerie

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pierre the French Air Force Ace!

Pierre the French Air Force Ace finishes another successful mission and goes to a small hotel bar to celebrate. He meets a nice lady who after few drinks invites him to go to her hotel room. In the room conversation quickly turns into action and she asks him to kiss her. Pierre without thinking ope...

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.

The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond

“Yes”

“Oui”

“Si”

“Ja”

I used to be a French cheese nut

But now I camembert it any longer

What's the difference between a French girl and a bowling ball?

You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball.

Who is the grandmother of the French language?

La grammaire.

What do you call a boy that’s half Scottish and half French?

A oui lad

What is the first thing French soldiers learn, when joining the military ?

The phrase "I surrender" in german

With all the recent posts it is my turn too to see if this French joke translates well to English

I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries

Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time

Did you hear about the French man who fell off his roof onto a pile of bread?

He survived, but was in a lot of pain.

(Le pain means bread in French)

A French Man tried to kill himself near the Switzerland border.

He was stopped and taken by the police to the nearest Police Station for Interrogation

Interrogation Officer: Why do you want to kill yourself? Also, don't you live in Paris? Why did you come all the way near the Border?

Man: Ah officer, That's because I love Swiss-side.

To kill a french vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart.

Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An american, A French , and a Japanese survive a shipwreck...

While clinging to floating debris and paddling towards shore they discuss what they will do to survive. The American dude says: Well, I am a carpenter by trade, so I'll build us a shelter. The French dude says: Ho-hoh! Yers trulee eez the greatest chef ever! I shall make grand meals to feed us! It g...

There was a competition between an American cat and a French cat...

There once was a peculiar cat named "one-two-three" cat. One-two-three cat was from the streets of New York. In Calais (french city), there was another cat named "un-deux-trois" cat. One day, the people of US decided to have a competition of "best cat" the the French. They decided that the best cat ...

What do the French call a really bad Thursday?

A Trajeudi

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft.

The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds. It concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.

After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. The...

Do French people smoke cannabis?

oui'd

I always forget the french word for strawberry

But I eventually remember the fraise

I saw a French footballer playing on my Nintendo Console several years ago...

It was Thierry on Wii!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My turn to translate a joke (from french)

So the school inspector enters a spanish course, and takes a sit in the back of the room, next to little Johnny.

The class begins, and the spanish teacher asks :
“Who can translate this sentence?” and writes the sentence on the board : “Mi perro es moreno”

Only little Johnny is rais...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you say small breasts in French ?

Pe'tits'

Canada could have had it all: American industry, British Culture, and French Cuisine.

Instead, they got: French Industry, American culture, and British cuisine

What do you call your angry French auntie?

A crossaunt

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pierre, a French pilot of WW1 took leave in Paris and went out to sample the nightlife. He has a great night of song and wine and he meets a young lady, who he invites back to his apartment.

The excited pair walk back through the tree lined boulevards and on the way, Pierre drops in to a shop to purchase a bottle of red wine, a bottle of white wine, a bottle of brandy and a box of matches.

When they reach the apartment they waste no time in stripping off and fall passionately ont...

I once ate at a haunted French restaurant.

The place gave me the crepes.

Translated from Russian. Three woman (American, French and Russian) are sharing their stories.

The first one says,

-- Once we got wed, I told my husband: "From now on, I quit cooking and cleaning". My husband left, and I don't see him for one day, two days, three days... On the fourth day he comes back with this amazing robot that is both cooking and cleaning for us while we make love....

An American man, a French man, a Spanish man and a German man are standing on the sidewalk, trying to watch a street performer juggle bowling pins.

The juggler notices they're having a bit of trouble, so he stands on a large wooden box and says to them, "Can you see me now?"

They answer one at a time:

"Yes."

"Oui."

"Sí."

"Ja."

What do you call an attention deficit French vampire?

Drac...Ooh La La!

Steve likes Flowers

Every week, he goes to a different florist in his city, and buys a different kind of flower, trying to find what looks and smells best. On this occasion, however, he struggles to find one that fits his vibe for the week. Seeing his struggle, the young florist walks up.

"Hi!" She says with a ...

An English man, a French man, a Cuban Man and an Indian man are in a train carriage.

The French man takes out a bottle of very expensive wine, has one sip, and throws it out the window.

The English man says "why did you do that? " and the French man replies, "we have so many of these in my country they are practically worthless.

A few minutes later the Cuban man takes ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My DNA tests came back. Turns out I'm mostly French and British.

No wonder I fucking hate myself.

How do French people send photos of cats to each other?

They use Snapchat

A French spy, an English spy, and an Italian spy were sent to the USSR.

Unfortunately, they were caught within a few days and held in captivity for a week. Then they were tortured for information.

The French spy was first. They tied him, tortured him, and after 20 minutes he gave them all his information.

The English spy fared the same. After being tied an...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pierre, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the river Seine

Pierre, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the river Seine. It is a beautiful day and love is in the air, so Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me".

So our hero grabs a bottle of red wine and splashes it on Marie's lips....

How are French tanks unique?

They go faster in reverse than forward.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A baguette up a French man's butt...

...is a pain in the ass.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Frenchs in England...

Two French guys were walking in England when they found an old English man sitting in the shade of an oak tree. They decide to annoy him a little and ask him:

\- Monsieur, how long before we get to where we want to go?

\- About 10 minutes, the English man says.

\- But how? How d...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Four soldiers are in a public bathroom...

An American soldier steps away from the urinal, turns on the water, uses five or six pumps or soap to wash his hands and takes a big wad of paper towels to dry them. He says to the others, "in the US Army, we are taught to use what we have to to get the job done".

A German soldier backs away ...

I tried to get rid of an annoying person earlier, so I asked them, "Do you know French?"

*"Because adieu."*

A woman is preparing a French dinner for her parents and sends her husband out to buy some fresh snails.

The husband buys the snails then pops into the pub for a quick drink. One thing leads to another and he stays for a few rounds, so many in fact, that by the time he leaves it's nine in the evening. Realizing he's extremely late the husband runs home, pours the snails over the path leading to his hou...

What is the French term for blue balls?

Sack Le Bleu

"Un, deux, trois, quatre", radioed the French ship...

...before it cinq.

"Eins, zwei, drei", radioed the German ship vierlessly, but then silence.

"Uno, dos", radioed the Spanish ship, and then disappeared without a tres.

"One," radioed the British ship before it went two.

"Won," radioed the American sub.

Why were nobles decapitated during the French Revolution?

The peasants thought they were getting just too far a head.

The limit to my knowledge of the French language, is knowing the word for 'egg'

That's an oeuf

What do you call a person who is into French Anime girls?

An ouiaboo.

Did you hear about the French cheese factory that caught on fire?

All that was left was da brie...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Me (to a sentient piece of human shit): "Hey, what were you before you were shit?" Shit: "Well, before I was consumed, masticated, and digested, I was a beautiful French baguette." "Does it disappoint you, that you were once so beautiful but are now a piece of shit?

"Are you kidding? I was bread for this."

Are you French (slightly nsfw)

Because boy are you gonna surrender to me

A man enters an animal shop, and sees a parrot with ropes tied to each of it's legs...

The man asks the shopkeeper about the parrot and the shopkeeper replies:

- If you pull the right leg rope, he's gonna greet you in French, and if you pull the left leg rope, he'll greet you in German

- And what about, if i pull both simultaneously? - asks the man.

- Well, he...<...

A french, an American and an Argentinian are in a plane.

The pilot let them open the window, and the French says "We are in France, because I just touched the Eiffel Tower!" Then the American didn't believe him and he said "That's a lie, we are in America. I just touched the Empire State!" The Argentinian didn't believe them both, so he opens the window a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A german, a french and an italian are walking down the street...

Suddenly a genie appears in front of them and says: “You lucky men, come with me!” and teleports them in front of 3 empty pools. He then says: “You have to jump from the diving board and say what you want your pool to be full of.”
The german jumps and says: “Beer!” and he falls into the pool with...

A French man, a German man, and a Polish man go skydiving

First, the French man jumps out of airplane. At the right time, he says "viva la France" and pulls the ripcord. Then, the German man jumps out and pulls the ripcord at precisely 1000 feet. Then, the Polish man jumps out of the airplane and he passes the 1000 foot mark but does not pull the ripcord. ...

The French monarchy was a bad idea

But it was brilliantly executed

Why did the Frenchman rob the same bank four times?

He was a quatre burglar.

Why I won't be voting for Trump or Biden

I'm 17 and French.

I wrote a 200,000 word novel about a French actor who is persecuted for his art.

It's called, "Mime and Punishment".

What sport is played by angry french people?

Lacrosse

Rich people are born with a silver spoon in their mouth.

But polite french people are born with a s'il vous plaît

Better be making some tracks

One day a Russian, a French man, and a German went out hunting. They were travelling deep in the woods when they came upon some tracks. The Russian said to the French man, "Look, some bear tracks!" "No no no," said the French man, "those are deer tracks." "What are you stupid or something?" replie...

Do you know how to kill a french person?

Shoot 10 feet above his head and you will hit his superiority complex.

The French version of Jaws finishes with the word FIN.

It's really inappropriate

What did the French groundhog see when he woke up?

His château.

What do you call a french man wearing sandals?

Phillipe Phillop

What does the best man at a French wedding do?

Make French Toast!!!..

you dont know real pain until you...

...learn the french word for bread

I really like that French song about the pink airplane.

L’avion Rose

I've just got back from my new French self defence class

I'm absolutely exhausted. I've never run so much in my life.

French assault rifle for sale

Never fired, dropped only once.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.