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A mosquito flies above a river...

In the river there is a fish.
The fish thinks: If that mosquito just flies down a little bit, i can jump and eat that mosquito

Next to the river sits a bear
The bear thinks: If that mosquito flies down a little bit, and the fish grabs it. I can grab the fish.

Behind the bear in t...

A young Swedish woman, old Dutch woman, an Englishman, and an Irishman are riding a train.

A young Swedish woman, an old Dutch woman, an Englishman, and an Irishman are riding on a train.
The train goes through a tunnel, it becomes pitch black in the car, and then a loud SMACK is heard.
The train emerges from the tunnel and the Englishman is rubbing his cheek.
The old Dutch woman...

Two Dutch girls are out riding their bikes when one of them suggests taking an alternate, scenic route home.

After a while they are in an area that the other girl doesn't recognize and she has no idea where they are or which direction home is. As it is getting towards dusk she becomes nervous and a bit agitated, she says to her friend, "I've never come this way before." And her friend turns to her, smiling...

A Dutch man goes to a cobbler

Wanting his wooden clogs fixed.

“What’s wrong with them?” asks the shop owner.

“Well you see,” says the Dutchman, “these are my work boots. They’re getting worn out and have some holes in them. Could you fix them up?”

The owner had never fixed wooden shoes, but he figured it ...

A Dutch, English and Chinese man wash up on an island

A Dutch, English and Chinese man survive a boat accident and wash up on an island. They need food, water and supplies to survive the night.
The Dutch guys says that he will gather the food, the English man will get water and the Chinese man is send for supplies.

When the Dutch and the Eng...

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Yellow man, red man, blue man… (dutch joke)

A trucker is driving on the road when suddenly he sees a yellow man, crying on the sidewalk. He stops and goes over to him to ask if he's ok.
The yellow man says: "I'm yellow, I come from the planet Venus, I'm gay, and I'm hungry!" The trucker says: "Well…I can give you a sandwich but I can't hel...

An american, a dutch and an italian walk into a bar...

... and dont watch the World cup.

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So the Belgians are pissed...

The king of Belgium is fed up that the Dutch make jokes about how dumb Belgians are. He goes to King Willem, of the Netherlands, and demands that the Dutch should do something stupid, so that the Belgians can laugh at the Dutch. Willem wants to maintain good relations so he says; "meh, we will build...

Why are the Dutch so tall?

So they can keep their heads above sea level

What’s the difference between a straw and a Dutch comedian?

One is a hollow cylinder, the other is a silly Hollander.
I’ll see myself out.

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Little Johnny learns three new words (old Dutch joke)

Little Johnny's mother asks him if he's learned any new words at school today. "Well, I heard some of the older kids use three new words" Johnny says "'whore', 'fuck' and 'condom'! What do they mean?"

His mother is shocked. Little Johnny is way too young to know the meaning of these words, so...

What's a Dutch party without bitterballen?

A worst kaas scenario.

What does one call a dutch spy who specializes in chemical warfare?

Agent Orange

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Dutch joke about Belgians

Three international construction workers are working on a skyscraper in Rotterdam. A German, a Belgian, and a Dutch guy.

Every noon they eat their respective lunches at the top of the unfinished tower. The German guy opens up his lunchbox and sighs: "Bratwurst und Kartofflen, I hate Bratwurs...

Dutch

A Dutch guy has just invented shoes that will record the distance you walk each day.

Clever Cloggs

A World War II pilot is reminiscing before school children about his days in the air force.

"In 1942," he says, "the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember, " he continues, "one day I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared.

(At this point, several of the children giggle.)

I looked up, and rig...

What do drain cleaner and a Dutch stripper have in common?

They both slowly remove clogs

New job at the farm

After having been laid off at the office, Dave lands a job at a farm on the outskirts of town. Early on the first day the farmer shows him around the place, explaining the tasks as they go. Lastly, they come by the house, where they meet the farmers two gorgeous daughters.

Dave and the farme...

What do Dutch people have on their face?

Tulips

The stranded Chinese, American and Dutch

So a Chinese, an American and a Dutch are stranded on an island. The American takes responsibility and says: "We need things to survive so I would say that go fish, you Chinese guy get some suplies and the Dutch should get firewood for the night."

Like the American said, it happend. In the ev...

Is there a more Dutch sounding actor than Tom Holland?

Yes, there's Tom Hollander.

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A Dutch, A German and A French stranded on an Island..

They Screamed "Help!" Into the Jungle but nobody answered.
The next day they did the same but nobody answered and nobody came to help. The next day they did it again and finally someone came to help them. It were some native people who lived there for a looong time. The leader of them said in a p...

Why do Dutch people have big noses?

Because air is free.

### Bonus joke:

* How was copper wire invented?

Two Dutchmen found a penny at the same time.

We have this Dutch translation of an American joke

Geert Wilders

Why are Dutch people so tall?

Shorter ones drowned in floods.

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A little Dutch boy was walking home one day...

When he saw a dyke leaking.. And the puddle was growing quickly.
So,fearing a flood, and being brave,he stuck his finger in the dyke.

She punched the living daylight out of him.

Never believe anything a Dutchman tells you

It is all tall tales.

What do Dutch farmers feed their sheep?

Holland oats

God visits a preacher.

The preacher has one question, "What is Heaven like?" God replies, "Heaven is like a city. It has the best of everything. For example, the French are the chefs, the Italians are the lovers, the English are the policeman, the Germans are the mechanics, and the Dutch are the politicians." "What is H...

How was the Dutch dairy farmer caught up in a brawl?

He was gouda'd into it.

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Trying to bake a cake, but they keep coming out undercooked and smelling like shit.

That's the last time I use a Dutch oven.

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A nun, a blonde, a German and a Dutchman...

A nun, a blonde, a German and a Dutchman are sitting in a train compartment. The train goes through a tunnel, it's completely dark,
and suddenly there's a slap. The train comes out of the tunnel and the Dutchman is rubbing his face.
The nun's thinking: "The Dutch guy probably touched the blon...

If farting under the covers is a Dutch oven...

is doing it in the shower a German oven?

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A dumb American is on a vacation to the Netherlands

When he came a cross a Dutch man in the bar who asked him if he knew what logic was. No said the American. So the Dutch man asked if he had a fish bowl. Yes said the American. So the Dutch man asked:
So if you have a fish bowl you probably also have a fish?

Yes said the American

So ...

help me figure out this riddle!

a farmer has 2 sons. one is a "good boy" and the other is "a bump on a log". the farmer takes his cow into town and sells it to a butcher. then he goes to a watchmaker and buys a watch. WHO DOES HE GIVE THE WATCH TO?

this is some dutch riddle, so the "" are translated words

The BBC interviews a former pilot of the Dutch Free Air Forces from WWII . . .

. . . So the Dutch guy starts telling a story:

"As we're flying over France, all of a sudden, 6 Fokkers come out of nowhere. I engage on a Fokker, and shoot him down. Then I line up behind another Fokker and shoot him down too. The other guys in my squadron shoot down the other four Fokkers....

So in a program on the BBC about WWII, the host is interviewing a surviving member of the Dutch Free Air Force.

The geezer says, "So there we were flying in formation over the English channel, when Suddenly these four Fokkers come out of the clouds. So I get behind the first Fokker and shoot him down. Then I do the same with the other three Fokkers."

The host interjects," For clarification, I think my ...

The entire Dutch air force was disabled this week.

The pilot was sick.

If you're French when you're outside and Dutch in the hallway, what are you when you're in the bathroom? [X-Post r/dadjokes]

European.

My dad said this one earlier today.

Hear about the famous chain-smoking Dutch painter?

Vincent Van Cough

Two Belgian men are wandering around, far away from their town...

...when they walk past a bus depot. One of the men has the idea to steal a bus, so they can go home. The other man agrees and one of them climbs over the fence to steal a bus. After a lot of noise and two hours later, the Belgian finally returns with a bus. The other man asked what took him so long....

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A Dutch anti-German joke (and the first foreign joke i ever learned!)

There's still a lot of ill feeling against the Germans in Holland. With that in mind, this is a joke a Dutch friend told me.

Walking around Amsterdam one day, a Dutchie sees a man down on his knees scooping up water from the canal with his hand to drink.

He shouts to the man (in Dutc...

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What is the difference between a Muslim and Dutch?

As a Muslim you get stoned for being gay, but both are legal for a Dutch.

A Dutch guy, a Belgian guy and a Greek guy are sitting in a room

The Dutch guy had a joke, but wanted money for it. The Greek guy couldn't pay it and the Belgian guy didn't get it.

Another classic Dutch Bakerjoke

* A dog walks into a bakery
* Baker: How can I help you?
* Dog: Woof!
* Baker: Anything else?
* Dog: Bark!
* Baker: That'll be 12 Euro's. Do you want a receipt?
* Dog: No.

A slightly translated Dutch joke

This is a Dutch joke where the dialog is spoken in English:

A Dutchman and an Englishman are sitting next to each other on an airplane. They start to make small talk and the Englishman asks the Dutchman what he does for a living.

The Dutchman proudly says "I fok horses!" (Fok == breed)...

A Brit, a Spaniard and a Dutch walk into a bar..

.. unfortunately the Icelander couldn't come, he's still in the European Championship.

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I heard that the Dutch have a lot of educational support for homosexual teens.

They know had bad things can go when a dyke fails.

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A classic Dutch bakerjoke

* A man walks into a bakery.
* Baker: How can I help you?
* Man: I FUCKED YOUR MOTHER!!!
* Baker: Get out dad, i'm trying to work.

Joke I heard while in Hungary

Two cops are standing by the street side in New York City. A foreigner approaches them looking slightly panicked.

"Parlez vous Francais?" He asks them. The cops, not knowing a word of French merely shrug their shoulders at the man.

Frustrated, he asks them, "Ustedes hablan español?" Ag...

I went to a joke telling convention...

I went to a joke telling convention last week...

Unfortunately I got there quite late so I didn't have much time to ready myself. I thought to calm the nerves I would get myself a bit of Dutch courage.

So I went over to the queue where they were serving alcohol, but they said they wer...

It is interesting how different nations have their dogs make different sounds.

An American dog goes 'woof', a Czech dog goes 'haf', a Dutch dog goes 'blaf' and a Korean dog goes 'sizzle'.

Russian archeologists made a big discovery

As they dug a 100 meter deep hole, they found old copper wires. They made a big, worldwide announcement that the Russians were an advanced species. Even 1000 years ago they already had a copper network.

The Americans couldn't cope with the Russians being advanced longer than the Americans, so...

An Englishman meets a Dutchman at a business conference.

Surprisingly, the Dutchman speaks hardly a word of English, and rather less surprisingly, the Englishman doesn't speak very much Dutch. However, they bond over several beers and try to hold a friendly conversation with the few words they have in common, and after a while the Englishman manages to ge...

A two foot tall man named Shaw is sentenced to five years in prison

So naturally he’s scared. In particular, he’s scared of a large Dutch prisoner named Reedemps, who runs the cell block and gives the diminutive Shaw beatings on the regular.

Shaw makes friends with his cell mate, Joe, who is also afraid of Reedemps, Together, they hash out a plan to get reve...

A WW2 veteran came to a class to tell his story

"I was a B17 pilot," he began, "It was more stressful than you can possibly imagine. Your life in the hands of others that also held the life of his comrades around him. Let me tell you, it wasn't an easy job for anyone to shoot those fokkers down."

The class snickered at the word 'fokkers'.<...

Two nuns are in front of an abandoned coalmine.

(its better in dutch but it translates)

Two nuns are walking in front of an old (abandoned) coal mine.
One nun says to the other nun: mine's smelly today.
Says the other nun: mine too.

What's more fun than a Canadian Microwave?

A Dutch Oven.

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The schwanky nightclub

An American, a Frenchman, a Brit,a German, a Russian, a Canadian, a Mexican, a Nicaraguan, a Honduran, a Nepalese, an Argentinian, a Peruvian, a Uruguayan, a Colombian, a Guatemalan, a Nigerian, a Moroccan, a South African, a Malayan,a Malaysian, an Indonesian, a Cambodian, a Viet, a Korean, a Japan...

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The Dutch connection

Two people are in a restaurant in Amsterdam sitting at the bar. Both are drinking and both look depressed. After a while the man turns to the woman and says:

"Excuse me, I'm looking across and you're a very beautiful woman, you look incredible, but you look so depressed, why?"

"Well, y...

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[NSFW] A drunk guy staggers into a bar and orders a beer.

He goes up to the barman and shouts, "Wow! There are A LOT of hot women in here".

Filled with Dutch courage, the guy says, "I bet you 50 bucks I can go up to any hottie in here, squeeze her boobs, slap her ass and still get her number!"

The barman agrees and they put their money under ...

An older female friend just got back from a trip home to the Netherlands, and all she brought me was this nap sack.

What a Dutch bag.

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