Why are the Dutch so tall?

So they can keep their heads above sea level

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Two Belgians walk into a police precinct

and say: "Our Dutch friend is missing. Please help us."

Officer: "Can you describe him to me?"

Belgians: "He's tall, has blue eyes and blonde hair"

Officer: "You described half the Netherlands with this. You got anything more specific?"

Belgians: "Yeah, he has an extra p...

What's a Dutch party without bitterballen?

A worst kaas scenario.

Two Dutch girls are out riding their bikes when one of them suggests taking an alternate, scenic route home.

After a while they are in an area that the other girl doesn't recognize and she has no idea where they are or which direction home is. As it is getting towards dusk she becomes nervous and a bit agitated, she says to her friend, "I've never come this way before." And her friend turns to her, smiling...

What is the favourite city of dutch rodents?

Hamsterdam.

A Dutch, English and Chinese man wash up on an island

A Dutch, English and Chinese man survive a boat accident and wash up on an island. They need food, water and supplies to survive the night.
The Dutch guys says that he will gather the food, the English man will get water and the Chinese man is send for supplies.

When the Dutch and the Eng...

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A Dutch, A German and A French stranded on an Island..

They Screamed "Help!" Into the Jungle but nobody answered.
The next day they did the same but nobody answered and nobody came to help. The next day they did it again and finally someone came to help them. It were some native people who lived there for a looong time. The leader of them said in a p...

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So the Belgians are pissed...

The king of Belgium is fed up that the Dutch make jokes about how dumb Belgians are. He goes to King Willem, of the Netherlands, and demands that the Dutch should do something stupid, so that the Belgians can laugh at the Dutch. Willem wants to maintain good relations so he says; "meh, we will build...

The European Space Agency (ESA) recruits one Dutch, one French and one Turkish astronaut for a space mission

As the mission should last 10 years, they ask the astronauts what they want to bring with them in space.

The Dutch says: "I would like to master a new language, can I bring a Spanish teacher?". ESA recruits the best Spanish teacher trains them and sends them to the space with the others.
<...

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A Dutch, a French and a Mexican were bragging about their countries...

The Dutchman says, "we have tulips in our country so beautiful that'd astound you". The other two say, "your tulips are nothing, we wipe our butts with those!".
The Frenchman says,"we've got irises in our country so delicate that'd amaze you". The other two say, "your irises are nothing, we wipe ...

Why are Dutch people so tall?

Shorter ones drowned in floods.

What do the Dutch do with their cheese?

Edam

What does one call a dutch spy who specializes in chemical warfare?

Agent Orange

A Dutch joke about the Brits and their love for queues, don’t know if it translates well

A Brit walks down the street and sees two queues. He gets behind one of them, and asks the woman in front of him:

“What is this queue for?”

“Just for fun” says the women.

“But what if I don’t want to stand in the queue?” The Brit asks.

To which the woman replies “that’s w...

Why do the Dutch walk so loudly?

Wooden shoe?

A Dutch speaker and a German speakerwalk into a bar

They get extremely drunk and then two Dutch speakers walk out

A nun, a blonde girl, a German and a Dutch sit together in a train compartment.

The train goes through a tunnel, it gets dark. A loud slap can be heard, an outcry follows it. As the darkness fades a big red mark can be seen on the Dutch guys face.

The Dutch thinks to himself "The German guy must have tried to grope the blonde, but she mistook us in the dark and hit me i...

Why is the Dutch fly exhausted?

Because it Netherlands.

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My neighbor visited my house the other day

He said: Isn't your house the same as mine? How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your living room when you moved in?

12 I said.

A few days later he came back, pretty pissed. "I just finished, and I have 7 rolls of wallpaper left!"

Yeah, so did I.

\*Heard in Dutch a...

Because it's my Cake Day, I'll tell you a cake joke my little brother (10) told me

It's a Dutch joke but I'll try to explain

So I had made a cake recently, and it just stood there on the table. So my little brother comes up to me and says; 'Kijk daar!' (Look over there) while pointing at the cake. So when I looked at it he says; 'haha je keek' (haha you looked)


<...

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A joke from my joke calender

A man has to leave for a few days and wants to find a temporary home for his parrot.

Because he knows the priest also has a parrot, he decides to ask him if he can watch his.

'Absolutely not.' The priest says. 'All your parrot knows is how to curse. That's not good for my parrot, as al...

What do Dutch people need to kiss?

tulips

A Dutch guy, a Belgian guy and a Greek guy are sitting in a room

The Dutch guy had a joke, but wanted money for it. The Greek guy couldn't pay it and the Belgian guy didn't get it.

An eccentric dutch inventor whom invented inflatable shoes has died.

A member of the family said it was only a matter of time until he popped his clogs.

Have you seen that one movie?

A young man grows up in the Dutch mob and works very hard to advance himself through the ranks of cheese making. He enjoys his life of money and luxury, but is oblivious to the horror that he causes. A cheese addiction and a few mistakes ultimately unravel his climb to the top.

I think it's c...

A young Swedish woman, old Dutch woman, an Englishman, and an Irishman are riding a train.

A young Swedish woman, an old Dutch woman, an Englishman, and an Irishman are riding on a train.
The train goes through a tunnel, it becomes pitch black in the car, and then a loud SMACK is heard.
The train emerges from the tunnel and the Englishman is rubbing his cheek.
The old Dutch woman...

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A mosquito flies above a river...

In the river there is a fish.
The fish thinks: If that mosquito just flies down a little bit, i can jump and eat that mosquito

Next to the river sits a bear
The bear thinks: If that mosquito flies down a little bit, and the fish grabs it. I can grab the fish.

Behind the bear in t...

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A dutch and belgian soldier patroll the river maas. (Srry if repost)

Patrols are conducted on both sides of the river Maas. A Dutch soldier walks on one side, a Belgian soldier on the other. It is early in the morning and there is still some fog on the water.

The Dutch soldier wonders which section of the army the Belgian soldier is on. He wants to ask the Be...

Netherlands work ( personal experience )

So, English is not my first language, it's my third. I moved to Netherlands some time ago and I got my first job. Apparently people here are nice? And they also pay their taxes? Did you guys know that? Anyway, the manager of the factory I worked in approached me to say ''hello'' and introduce himsel...

A Vincent Van Gogh painting was stolen this weekend from a Dutch Museum.

Now it's Vincent Van Gone.

How does a Dutch gecko know when there's an earthquake?

Van der Waals start shaking.

The stranded Chinese, American and Dutch

So a Chinese, an American and a Dutch are stranded on an island. The American takes responsibility and says: "We need things to survive so I would say that go fish, you Chinese guy get some suplies and the Dutch should get firewood for the night."

Like the American said, it happend. In the ev...

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A father and his son are jogging when they encounter a tourist.

Son, being well versed in over 3 languages wanted to show his dad that learning new languages always helps you.
The tourist did not know english, but tried to explain the dad to show him the in spanish. The father couldn't understand. So the tourist tried french, but still no answer. Then ge tri...

What’s the difference between a straw and a Dutch comedian?

One is a hollow cylinder, the other is a silly Hollander.
I’ll see myself out.

A Dutch man goes to a cobbler

Wanting his wooden clogs fixed.

“What’s wrong with them?” asks the shop owner.

“Well you see,” says the Dutchman, “these are my work boots. They’re getting worn out and have some holes in them. Could you fix them up?”

The owner had never fixed wooden shoes, but he figured it ...

Here my attempt to translate a Dutch joke in English

2 blond girls meet up. The first girl asks the other: "which is further away, the moon or Australia?" The other things about this long and hard and comes back with her answer after an hour: "the moon is closer, definitely the moon." "How come?" asks the first girl. "Well," says the other "we can see...

A World War II pilot is reminiscing before school children about his days in the air force.

"In 1942," he says, "the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember, " he continues, "one day I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared."

At this point, several of the children giggle.

"I looked up, and rig...

Is Edam the best Dutch cheese you can buy?

Or is there a Gouda one?

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What do liquid Draino and a Dutch stripper have in common?

They both slowly remove clogs.

I'll see myself out... Hey, at least it was original.
Thanks for the gold !

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3 men are standing at a urinate, a Dutchman an American and a belgian.

The American looks at the piss jet of the Dutchman and sees 2 piss jets, the American asks: "how did you get that?" the dutch replies "got into the 2nd world war". the Dutchman sees 4 piss jets at the American and says:" how did you get that?" the american says also: "got into the 2nd world war." th...

An american, a dutch and an italian walk into a bar...

... and dont watch the World cup.

Why do Dutch people have big noses?

Because air is free.

### Bonus joke:

* How was copper wire invented?

Two Dutchmen found a penny at the same time.

So in a program on the BBC about WWII, the host is interviewing a surviving member of the Dutch Free Air Force.

The geezer says, "So there we were flying in formation over the English channel, when Suddenly these four Fokkers come out of the clouds. So I get behind the first Fokker and shoot him down. Then I do the same with the other three Fokkers."

The host interjects," For clarification, I think my ...

The BBC interviews a former pilot of the Dutch Free Air Forces from WWII . . .

. . . So the Dutch guy starts telling a story:

"As we're flying over France, all of a sudden, 6 Fokkers come out of nowhere. I engage on a Fokker, and shoot him down. Then I line up behind another Fokker and shoot him down too. The other guys in my squadron shoot down the other four Fokkers....

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What is the difference between a Muslim and Dutch?

As a Muslim you get stoned for being gay, but both are legal for a Dutch.

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A dumb American is on a vacation to the Netherlands

When he came a cross a Dutch man in the bar who asked him if he knew what logic was. No said the American. So the Dutch man asked if he had a fish bowl. Yes said the American. So the Dutch man asked:
So if you have a fish bowl you probably also have a fish?

Yes said the American

So ...

Dutch

A Dutch guy has just invented shoes that will record the distance you walk each day.

Clever Cloggs

Is there a more Dutch sounding actor than Tom Holland?

Yes, there's Tom Hollander.

What do Dutch sheep do at night?

Schleep

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A Dutch anti-German joke (and the first foreign joke i ever learned!)

There's still a lot of ill feeling against the Germans in Holland. With that in mind, this is a joke a Dutch friend told me.

Walking around Amsterdam one day, a Dutchie sees a man down on his knees scooping up water from the canal with his hand to drink.

He shouts to the man (in Dutc...

What do Blazes (from Minecraft) and Dutch people have in common

Both live in the nether(lands) and love to blaze it.

If farting under the covers is a Dutch oven...

is doing it in the shower a German oven?

Translated joke but I reversed the countries because screw Belgium

Two dutchmen take the train from Amsterdam to Brussels, but they only have one ticket. 2 fellow Belgian passengers ask them how they will get away with it. “Watch and learn!” Say the Dutch. They head into the toilet together and wait for the train conductor to knock on the door. “Ticket please!”. He...

The entire Dutch air force was disabled this week.

The pilot was sick.

A Brit, a Spaniard and a Dutch walk into a bar..

.. unfortunately the Icelander couldn't come, he's still in the European Championship.

A slightly translated Dutch joke

This is a Dutch joke where the dialog is spoken in English:

A Dutchman and an Englishman are sitting next to each other on an airplane. They start to make small talk and the Englishman asks the Dutchman what he does for a living.

The Dutchman proudly says "I fok horses!" (Fok == breed)...

Another classic Dutch Bakerjoke

* A dog walks into a bakery
* Baker: How can I help you?
* Dog: Woof!
* Baker: Anything else?
* Dog: Bark!
* Baker: That'll be 12 Euro's. Do you want a receipt?
* Dog: No.

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The International Council of Man Laws

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When sh...

Why do people in the Netherlands not play american football?

because sadly noone scores touchdowns in dutch towns

Little Johnny was a notoriously bad speller

He would always misspell words and just write them the way they sounded to a young child's ear. This was particularly embarrassing to his father, whose boss would always brag how clever his own son, Pete was.


One evening, the boss visited Little Johnny's house for dinner, bringing litt...

How was the Dutch dairy farmer caught up in a brawl?

He was gouda'd into it.

What do you call a group of Amsterdam witches trapped in a stench-filled room?

A Dutch Coven.

Accident

A Dutchman is driving in Belgium when he hits a Belgian car. The Belgian whose car he hit was upset, as it was severely dented and the Dutchman was clearly at fault. But the Dutchman, unwilling to pay for the damages, managed to calm him down by explaining to him how to remove the dents: "Just blow ...

A joke my religion professor told me...

A Dutch Calvinist gets stranded on a deserted island...

He saved his Bible in the shipwreck, so he maintained a prayerful life despite being stranded. The island was full of fruit and wildlife that he could hunt, so he survived well. Every day he swims out to a channel to see if any ships w...

Once there was a foster kid named Jumprope

No one through YEARS of guessing and thinking could figure out why on earth his birth parents would give him such a dumb name. They finally figured out why when he took a DNA test to figure out his ancestry, both of his parents were from the Netherlands. He was double dutch.

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A classic Dutch bakerjoke

* A man walks into a bakery.
* Baker: How can I help you?
* Man: I FUCKED YOUR MOTHER!!!
* Baker: Get out dad, i'm trying to work.

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The Dutch connection

Two people are in a restaurant in Amsterdam sitting at the bar. Both are drinking and both look depressed. After a while the man turns to the woman and says:

"Excuse me, I'm looking across and you're a very beautiful woman, you look incredible, but you look so depressed, why?"

"Well, y...

_

A dutch joke. Don't know if other languages know this one as well.

Jantje was at school. The teacher asked the class "i want you all to think how you think you can put an elephant in the fridge"

Jantje thinks by himself "but that's impossible to do. Lets ask my family if they know a so...

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Suggestions for Tesla sentry mode...

(based on a thread over in r/TeslaMotors)

Tesla Sentry Mode is the name of the car's feature that detects when someone is near the car when it is parked; it saves video from that time period and notifies the owner how many incidents have occurred while s/he's been away from the car. It also p...

The bar on the cliff

A man is on a walk by the coast in terrible weather, and ducks into a bar that is situated at the top of a cliff overlooking the sea to escape the rain and the wind.

He sits at the bar and orders a whiskey, and strikes up a conversation with an old man at the bar. The men talk for a couple o...

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