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When does a joke become a dad joke?

When it's funny as a motherfucker.

If Donald Trump, Rudy Giuliani, Bill Barr, Stephen Miller, and Jared Kushner we're on Air Force One together and the plane were to suddenly crash, who would survive?

The United States of America.

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500.

So they did. Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."

On the way...

The 10th Fast and Furious film should be called....

Fast 10 Your Seat Belt.

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Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball when suddenly a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head.

He passes the first woman, who looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband," she says.

He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband either."

He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her.

"Wait a minute," she says....

My BDSM community took me to court for not being hardcore enough. I got off with just a slap on the wrist.

So I lost the case.

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The clitoris has nearly 8000 nerve endings.

And it’s still not nearly as sensitive as Reddit.

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Group of guys at the pub. One says, "My missus is charging me $50 a time for sex"

The other guys look at each other and say, "That's not bad mate, she charges us $100."

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives the man his drink and the man asks "If I show you something crazy, would let me have free drinks for the rest of the night?"

The bartender thinks for a minute and then says "It would to be something spectacular to take that offer." The man leans down and picks up a box and sets it on the bar. He opens the box and inside is a small piano man, whom is only 1 foot tall, and beside him a little piano. The piano man starts pla...

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A girl walks into the confession stand in a church...

Girl: “Forgive me father for I have sinned.”

Priest: “What have you done my child?”

Girl: “I called a man a son of a bitch.”

Priest: “Why did you call him a son of a bitch?”

Girl: “Because he touched my hand.”

Priest: “Like this?” (as he touches her hand)

Gi...

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Three friends were bragging about who has the most sex. The first guy starts, “Y'all ain't got nothing on me! I can go to any bar and bring home a new woman every night! Not only that, but I drive a corvette and have an 8 inch penis! I've slept with more than 1,000 women!”

Second guy fires back, “Oh yeah? Well I’m a top gynecologist at the highest rated hospital in the world. I make $800,000 a year, have patients and nurses who have sex with me every hour I’m at work. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis and I've slept with well over 5,000 women.”

La...

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A husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?"

"We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

"Yes", she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a...

The first female president

The year is 2028 and the United States has elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Sarah Goldstein.

She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?"

"I don't think so. It's a ten-hour drive,...

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For a wedding gift a guy decides to tattoo his wife's name on his penis.

When erect it proudly reads "Wendy" on the side of his shaft, but when soft it only shows "Wy". While on his honeymoon in the Caribbean, he is using the bathroom and notices the guy in the urinal next to him also has a "Wy" on his penis. He then asks the guy if his wife is named Wendy. The guy re...

A guy asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?" The girl replied with a loud voice: "NO! I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" All the students in the library started looking at the guy; he was pretty embarrassed. After a while the girl walked quietly over to the

guy's table and said: "I study psychology, I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?" The guy then responded with a loud voice: "$1000 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH!" All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy whispered "I guess you felt bad for wha...

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NSFW - A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he ...

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A father and son are hanging out in their living room watching TV

Suddenly the dad’s feet are cold and he asks the son to get him his slippers from upstairs.

While upstairs the son sees two of his sister’s friends so he goes up to both of them and says, "My Dad told me to come up here and fuck both of you".

“you're lying", They say

The son ...

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You’re all wrong, the Earth isn’t flat or round...

It’s fucked

A mom takes her daughter to the doctor

The doctor says, “Okay, what seems to be the problem?”


The mother says, “It’s my daughter Suzie. She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight and is sick most mornings.”


The doctor gives Suzie a good examination, and then turns to the mother and says, “Well, I don’...

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The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.

Grumpy leads the pack.

'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'

Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?'

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns ...

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My mate down the pub asked me last night “why do you have so many sex noises saved to your phone?”

I said, "It's for sound effects during sex."

He asked, "Your wife a bit quiet in the sack?"

I replied, "No, I work in a morgue''.

My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans. I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but..."

"Look at what kids your age make in China!"

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The king of a country has planted a razor in the queen's vagina in order to find out which guard she is cheating with.

in the evening, while she is sleeping.

Next day comes, and he orders them to get undressed to check on their penises, and sees that each one's was cut except for a single one's. The king yells:

\- Finally, a loyal guard to his king and country! All of you traitors should have followed ...

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The sexiest mythological creature is Medusa

Whenever I see her I get rock hard

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A guy in a bar bets the bartender $50 that he can lick his eyeball

The bartender agrees

The man takes his glass eye out, and bites it

The bartender angrily gives the man his money

The man bets the bartender $500 dollars that he can bite his other eyeball too

The bartender agrees to the bet, because the man was not blind

The man pu...

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The best joke I’ve ever heard which never fails to make me smile whenever I remember it.(NSFW)

Three explorers get lost in a huge jungle. After wandering around for days, they are found and captured by a jungle tribe. The tribesmen take the explorers to their leader and drop them at his feet. The chieftain looks at them for a moment and says, “ The three of you will die unless you manage to d...

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Therapist: So what brings the two of you here today?

My wife: It’s impossible to live with him. He’s too literal.

Me: My truck.

A man went to the hospital to visit his mother-in-law, who was in serious condition. On the way back the wife, very worried, asks: "So, honey? How's my mom doing?"

He replies: "She looks great! She is in good health! She will still live for many years! Next week she will be released from the hospital and will come and live with us, forever!"
"Wow that's amazing!" - says the wife - "But this is very strange, dear... yesterday she seemed to be on her deathb...

Why didn't the green pepper practice archery?

Because it didn't habanero.

A Blonde woman was speeding down the road and was pulled over by a female police officer, who was also a blonde.

The Blonde Cop asked to see the blonde driver’s license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

‘What does it look like?’ she finally asked. The policewoman replied, ‘It’s square and it has you picture on it.’

The driver finally found a square mirror in ...

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A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable.

However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they can't afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can a...

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A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

"We're taking United” was the reply. "We got a great rate!”

“United?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old,...

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Two guys at the airport each with black eyes

Notice each other.
First Guy: Hey, how did you get that black eye?

Second Guy: Funny story, I meant to ask the woman at the counter for 2 tickets to Pittsburgh, but a slip of the tongue and I said 2 pickets to tittsburgh and she socked me one! How about you?

First Guy: Same thing, ...

A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant

He goes to the bartender and asks "how much for a beer?" The bartender replies "$1". The customer completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender "Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?" The Bartender reply's "$5"....

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A husband walks into the bedroom to see his wife packing a suitcase.

He asks, "What are you doing?"

She answers, "I'm moving to Nevada . I heard that prostitutes there get paid $400 for what I'm doing for YOU for FREE!"

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him ...

A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.

“Thank you honey,” she says, “Is there anything I can bring back for you?”

He laughs, and says, “An Italian girl!”

When the conference is over, he meets her up at the airport and asks, “How was the trip?”

“Very good,” she replies.

“And what happened to my present?...

How do trees access the internet?

They log in.

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"I'm groping the balls of the storm."

The manager hesitated for a moment on the phone. "I'm sorry, can you repeat that?" he asked the newly hired immigrant worker.

"I...rub the storm...balls?" the man said, coughing.

Before he could ask again, the manager heard a little commotion on the line, followed by a younger voice. <...

One day a man decided to retire. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank...

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How d...

If Biden is elected, I'm leaving the country

If Trump is reelected, I'm leaving the country.

This is not a political post. I just want to travel.

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I had a call from a scammer the other day

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”>...

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Please ignore the English errors. It's my fourth language.

Genie: I see you're short. Would you like to increase your height?

Me: Yes, please! I would give anything to increase my height.

Genie: Alright then, for every inch I increase your height, I'll reduce an inch of your penis. So, by how much do you want to increase your height?

Me...

What did the drummer call his twin daughters ?

Anna One, Anna Two

A husband and a wife over their marriage had eight kids.One day the husband notices that their sixth kid, Billy, looks very different from the other seven.

The husband goes to his wife and asks her, “Honey, I noticed that Billy looks different from the other children, did you have an affair?”

The wife starts to break down into tears and nods her head.

The husband, heartbroken, quietly asks his wife, “So who is Billy’s father?”

“You...

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An Englishman is hiking in Scotland and he pauses to drink from a stream. A passing shepherd calls out "Dinnae drink frae that, it's all fulla coo piss an shite!"

The Englishman says to him in a cut-glass accent "I'm terribly sorry, my good fellow, would you very much mind repeating that in the Queen's English?"

And the shepherd says "I'm terribly sorry sir, I was only asking if you would like to borrow this tin cup and get a proper drink?"

In Britain, when you turn 100, you get a letter from the Queen.

And when you turn 16, you get a text from Prince Andrew.

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An Englishman, an American and a Japanese guy are on a boat, moments away from plunging over a waterfall to their doom...

Suddenly a genie appears. The genie explains that he is of limited power. He cannot prevent their inevitable deaths, but he can grant each man one wish before he dies.

The American steps up first. 'I love my country. Before I die I want to sing my national anthem one last time. The full versi...

Dave has died and is waiting in the queue to get into heaven.

As he draws ever closer to St Peter he can hear him asking people the same question.

"Denomination?" he asks a little old lady as she reaches the front of the queue.

"Methodist", she replies.

St Peter checks his notes and directs her to the eighth door on the left.

"Pleas...

A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company. In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.

'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.
Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did...

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I got my dick stuck in the center of that Pixar DVD with the old man and the balloons.

TIFU.

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The prostitutes operation...

An old prostitute tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses car...

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A college professor reminds her class of the next day’s final exam saying, “I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever"

A guy sitting at the back asks, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, and says, “Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”

Cardi B’s sister used to spy for the Russian government, but refuses to talk about it publicly

They call her ‘Cagey B’

Why is prostitution illegal?

Because when it comes to screwing people and taking their money, the government doesn't want anyone outperforming them

It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar, but a 45 minute walk from the bar to my house...

The difference is staggering

At the parole hearing, the officer asked, "Tell me, why should you be released early?" The inmate responded, "It’s bec..."

Officer: Yes?

Inmate: I think I have..

Officer: Go on.

Inmate: Can I Please finish my sentence?

Officer: Sure. Parole denied.

If any of you here are thinking of getting married, consider the following before you do.

On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.

On the other hand, you don’t.

I was sitting in a bathroom stall "doing my business", when suddenly the guy in the neighbour stall...

I was sitting in a bathroom stall "doing my business", when suddenly the guy in the neighbour stall started: **"Hey man, how are you doing?"**.



A little confused I replied: **"Ehm good, I guess."**



To my surprise the guy continued with: **"What ya doin'?"**


<...

The troubles of foreigners in Canada

A patron in a Montreal restaurant turned on a tap in the washroom and got scalded.

"This is an outrage," he complained. "The faucet marked 'C' gave me boiling water."

"But, Monsieur, 'C' stands for chaud – French for hot. You should know that if you live in Montreal."

"Wait a...

Frank farts in the classroom and his teacher gets really upset and throws him out.

He goes and sits outside the class and can’t stop laughing. The principle walks by and sees him. He asks, “Frank, why are you sitting outside your class laughing?"

“I farted in class and the teacher threw me out.” The principle asks him again, “Well then, why are you laughing?”

“Becaus...

Why are NSFW tag still a thing?

Like any of us still have a job.

As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

*The plot thickens.*

To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camo jacket

You can hide but you can’t run

"Yoda, are you sure we're headed in the right direction?"

Aaaaaaa.....

What is the difference between Washington, Nixon and Trump?

George Washington couldn’t tell a lie.

Richard Nixon couldn’t tell the truth.

Donald Trump can’t tell the difference

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I just downloaded porn but the file is compressed

sigh.... *unzips*

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The Queen's breasts

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.


Sid, the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death, should he try to touch them, but he had to try.


One day Sid revealed his secret desire to ...

The first rule of passive aggressive club is...

You know what, nevermind. It’s fine.

You do the Math

A lawyer writes a letter to his wife Janie...

My Dear Janie,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 57 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not...

Did you ever hear about the Mexican train killer?

He had locomotives

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I hate that SEPTember, OCTober, NOVember, and DECember aren't the 7th, 8th, 9th, and 10th months......

Whoever fucked this up should be stabbed!

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I found a butt plug on the ground

Some asshole must have dropped it

I'm pleased to announce Reddit has achieved its goal in becoming one of the top 10 green companies in the world!

The front page is now made up of over 90% recycled content

What do we call smart people in the US?

Tourists.

A clown held the door open for me yesterday

I thought it was a nice jester.

My wife stormed into the pub last night as me and the boys were downing shots of Tequila

"You're coming home now!" she screamed.

"No, I'm not," I laughed.

She said, "I'm talking to the kids."

If Jesus was real they wouldn't call it the crucifixion...

They would call it crucifact.

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A farmer buys a young cock

As soon as he gets home it fucks all of his 150 hens.
The farmer is impressed. At lunch, the cock again screws all 150 hens.

Next day it's fucking the ducks and the geese too. Sadly, later in the day the farmer finds the cock lying on the ground half-dead and vultures circling over its hea...

You may not believe me when I say that Trump isn't the Prime Minister of Canada

It's Trudeau.

Finding a woman sobbing because she had locked her keys in the car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help.

She watches amazed as he takes off his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door. Magically it opens.

"That's so clever!" the woman exclaims. "How did you do that?"

"Easy," replied the soldier, "These are my khakis."

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A little girl runs up to her mother and says "mummy, daddy hanged himself in the basement!"

Upon hearing the news the mother breaks down in tears and, shakily, makes her way into the basement.

When they get there, the woman cannot see the father's corpse.
The little girl then exclaims "April fools! Daddy did it in the garage"

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I wasn't allowed to join the Trump campaign because I was circumcised.

Apparently, you need to be a complete dick.

As I was driving past a prison yesterday, I saw a dwarf scaling down the wall. Confused , I stared up at him and he sneered back.

And I thought to myself, "well that's a little condescending."

A guy just finishes his lasik surgery and his surgeon leads him in his office to discuss the surgery...

The surgeon asks if he wants the good news or bad news first.

The man excitedly ~~replys~~ replies, "I'll take the good news first."

The surgeon tells him, "well you're about to get a new dog."

I like to imagine that the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the brella.

But he hesitated.

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An alien couple land their saucer in a farmer's field

They approach the house and explain to the farmer and his wife that they are intergalactic swingers. He asks them is they are ok to spend the night and then go back to their planet in the morning. The farmer and his wife talk it over and agree.

The male alien takes the farmer's wife into th...

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A Boob, a Vagina and an Asshole are debating who is the greatest of the three of them.

Boob: I give milk to new born babies and I'm attractive to the

opposite sex, that's why I am the greatest.

Vagina: That's nothing.

I give birth to babies, and can accommodate the opposite sex.

That's why I'm the greatest.

.

.

.

.

.
...

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I don't like the term Anal Bleaching.

I prefer calling it Changing Your Ringtone.

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

In a panic she told her lover “Hurry, stand in the corner. Don’t move until I tell you to. Just shut your eyes and pretend you’re a statue.”

At the moment her husband walked into the room. “What’s this, honey?” he asked.

“Oh, it’s just a statue,” she replied nonchalantly. “The Smiths b...

Did you hear about the mathematician who was afraid of negative numbers?

He would stop at nothing to avoid them.

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.

Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, bec...

I was drinking a margarita and the waitress screamed “does anyone know CPR?”

I yelled, “I know the entire alphabet” and we all laughed and laughed. Well, except one guy.

Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbour.

They decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally. One of them suggested the nearby cemetery.

As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, two oranges fell out of the big bag but they didn't bother to pick them since they had enough in the bag.

A few minutes lat...

What's the difference between a musician and a large pizza?

A large pizza can feed a family of four

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A Nun was taking a bath when there was a knock at the door. "Who is it?" She asked. The voice back replies "It's the blind man, can I come in?" The Nun thinks for a moment and says "yes that's fine". The door opens and the man says.

Nice tits, where you want me to hang the blinds?

I scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked.

I'm not sure what scared him more. My naked body or the fact I knew where he lived

A woman wanted to know how her husband would react if she left him. She wrote him a letter saying she is tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore. She put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home.

When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it. After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter. Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He grabbed his phone and dialed a numb...

I was digging in the garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run inside and tell my wife.

But then I remembered why I was digging a hole in the garden.

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Pot head gets really high on some good shit and goes home

Gets inside the house and sees his fathers shoes

Oh shit, I better hide somewhere before my pops finds out that I got high again!!

Ok, Ok, I am gonna hide in the living room...

Opens the living room door and sees his dad sitting there and reading a newspaper.

my bad p...

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Sex pill

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill but warns her that it’s still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner. So that night, she does just that.

About a week later, she’s back at the doc...

A man walks up to the Widow at a funeral and asks if he can say a word.

"Of course", she replies.

The man plucks up the courage and says, "Bargain".

The Widow looks at him, teary eyed and says,

"Thank you so much, that means a great deal".

Two Sisters...

One blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock.

They ...

Son: Dad, what's the opposite of Karen?

Dad: Umm, I don't know, Sharon...?

Son: But I thought Sharon was Karen.




Edit: Thank you u/Ri0tp0p0 and u/CulturedCroissant for the awards! :)

Karen came into my restaurant the other day and asked, "Can you tell me about the menu please?"

So I kicked her out and told her that the men I please are none of her business!!

Ivanka Trump is walking a dog outside the White House...

A Secret Service agent sees her and says "Good Morning, Ma'am."

"Good morning." She replies.

"That's a very cute dog, ma'am." the agent says trying to make polite small talk.

"Oh, thank you. I got it for the President." She replies with a smile.

"Excellent trade, Ma'am."<...

The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question: "When you die and go to Heaven... which part of your body goes first?"

Suzy raised her hand and said "I think it's your hands.” "Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?" Suzy replied "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.” “What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and...

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My wife walked in on me while I was watching porn

In a panic reflex I instantly changed to a random channel, the fishing channel.

As my wife walked out again she said: "you should stay on the porn channel... you know how to fish."

I bet my butcher $1,000 that he couldn't reach the beef on the top shelf without a ladder.

He said the steaks were too high.

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and...

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My favorite sex position is called "the JFK"...

She screams and tries to crawl out of the back seat while I go splooey all over her dress.

A woman was caught with drugs in her hand by a cop while in the bathroom of a nightclub

The woman swears that the drugs are not hers and promises that, "They aren’t mine - I found them here and I tried to flush them down the toilet. However, every single time I flush the drugs down the drain they just keep re-appearing magically in my hands or my pockets!"

The cop, obviously in ...

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I went to see the doctor about my crippling fear of palindromes.

Bastard put me on Xanax!

A woman is breastfeeding on the bus but struggling to get her baby to suckle....

So she says to her baby

_"Eat up now or I'm going to give it to that nice man over there"_ and points at the man sitting across from her

10 mins later _"You have to eat, baby, or I will give to that man!"_

5 mins later _"Baby come on now, I can't waste this milk so you have to ...

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A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."

He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."

She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats al...

I once woke up in the middle of an operation.

“Doctor, thank goodness you’re awake! The patient is dying!” My fellow surgeons told me.

A CEO, a laborer, and an immigrant are at a table

the table has 20 cookies. The CEO takes 19 cookies and says to the laborer, “look out, that immigrant is trying to take your cookie!”

What's the difference between a cactus and a school bus?

A school bus has the little pricks inside

The husband entered the shower, when his wife had just finished washing herself and left the bathroom.

Suddenly, the door-bell rang.
The wife quickly wrapped herself in a towel and ran to open the door.
A neighbour, Jack, was standing there.
Seeing the woman, he said: “I’ll give you 1000$, if you take off the towel”.
After thinking for 5–10 seconds, the woman took off the towel.
The ne...

There's a woman in the park sells batteries.

She sells C cells by the seesaw.

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God ."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, “Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.”

Again, all were quiet.

Then, slowly, a gorgeous blonde stood up...

What’s the difference between a police officer and a bullet?

When a bullet kills someone else, you know it’s been fired

Here's a joke for English and irish

So 3 people go to the middle East, a German a English and a irish. They get captured and sent to a Prince, the Prince gives them each one wish and 20 whips to the back. The German goes first and asks for a pillow on his back, he gets the pillow and the whips but it doesn't work. Next is the English ...

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A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab!"

He walked all the way to the airport and got home.

Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.

He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings.

There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver fro...

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A man accepts a job in a village with no women

Once there, he asks a local:

-There are really no women here?

-None.

-So... What do you guys do when you need to have sex?

-There is a donkey close to the river for that.

The man tries to ignore that and goes home, from where he can see the river and therefore, the...

The president of the US is threatening to send the military to suppress US citizens.

Looks like Americans are finally gonna get a taste of democracy and freedom.

A woman is sitting at her recently deceased husband’s funeral. A man leans in to her and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?”. “No, go right ahead”, the woman replies.

The man stands, clears his throat, says “Plethora”, and sits back down.

“Thanks”, the woman says, “that means a lot”.

I said “I love you” to my cake.

It burst into tiers.

Edit: rip my inbox!

Edit 2: so many awards but no gold? I dare you to gild me. Go ahead, make my day!

Edit 3: Guys I was being sarcastic and referencing the movie Sudden Impact (cries in being old). Whoever gilded me just wasted their coins but still, thanks...

When I was growing up # was pound, not hashtag

Good thing it changed, since "pound metoo" would've been sending the wrong message

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A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him, so he walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing...

She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached the lady, again with the same request.

She said, “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole...

Two Canadians die and end up in Hell.

Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to He...

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A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?

"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.

When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.

When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too.

When the dad gets home the parr...

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Genie says, "I will grant you 3 wishes, What will be the first one?". Omar replies, "I wish that I can have unlimited wishes."

Genie : "That is not possible, you can only have 3 wishes."

Omar thinks about it for some time.

Omar : "Alright, my first wish is that I want an umbrella."

Genie grants the wish, and asks "What do you want next?"

Omar : "Shove this umbrella up your ass."

Genie stru...

What's the difference between a hippo, a zippo, and a stick of glue?

One is a heavy mammal and one is a little lighter.

A man murdered his wife and was sentenced to death.

There was a crowd waiting around the gallows to watch. As the hangman put the noose around his neck, he was asked, “Do you have any last words?”

The murderer said, “Yeah, I have a joke that I came up with while I was waiting.

“So, I hadn’t showered for a week by the day I killed my wif...

I can count on one hand the number of times I've been to Chernobyl.

It's twelve.

A racist, a murderer, and a wife beater walk into a bar

The bartender says, "what can I get you officer?"

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This joke got me fired when I worked as a cook. Credit goes to Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling

A husband goes to his wife and says “You’re either going hunting with me, sucking my cock or I’m fucking you in the ass. I’m gonna go get the dogs ready and I’ll be back for your answer.”

After a bit of time, he returns to his wife who defiantly says to him “I’m not going hunting and there’s...

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A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on italian bread, made with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the san...

Three writers, Al, Ben, and Carl, who were attending a writing convention, booked a room on the 75th floor of a hotel.

When they arrived back at the hotel from the convention, the receptionist told them, "I'm terribly sorry, but the elevator is broken. In the meantime, you will have to take the stairs."

Now, Al was a writer of funny stories, Ben was a writer of scary stories, and Carl was a writer of sad stor...

I got a new pair of gloves today, but they're both 'lefts' which, on the one hand, is great,

but on the other, it's just not right.

A man goes to the doctors and says " Doc, I'm having problems with my ears, I think I'm going deaf".

The Doc says " Can you tell me the symptoms?"

The man replies, " Well, Homer's the big fat bloke, and Marge has blue hair!"

A KGB agent goes to a library and sees an old Jewish man reading a book.

“What are you reading, old man?” he asks.

“I’m learning Hebrew, comrade,” replies the old Jew.

The KGB agent asks, “What are you learning Hebrew for? You know it takes years to get a permission to travel to Israel? You will die before you get one.”

“I’m learning Hebrew for when ...

So the Pope arrives at heavens gate

St. Peter awaits him. St. Peter asks who he is.

The Pope: "I am the pope."

St. Peter: "Who? There's no such name in my book."

The Pope: "I'm the representative of God on Earth."

St.Peter: "Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me ..."

The Pope: "But I am t...

I saw my wife, slightly drunk, yelling at the TV: “Don’t go in there! Don’t go in the church, you moron."

She was watching our wedding video again.

A bright young executive had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech firm. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and handed him three numbered envelopes.

“Open these if you run up against a problem you don’t think you can handle,” he said.

Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a nosedive and he was really catching a lot of heat from the board. At wit’s end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer ...

Why do Americans always win gold at the shooting Olympics?

because they practice at the best schools

The President is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.

A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts "Mickey Mouse!" This startles the would be assassin and he is captured.

Later, the secret service agent's supervisor takes him aside and asks, "What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?"

Blushing, the agent replies, "I got nervous. I m...

A woman who lived next door to a preacher was puzzled by his personality change.At home he was shy, quiet and retiring, but in the church he was a real fire orator, rousing the masses in the name of God. It was as if he were two different people.

One day she asked him about the dramatic transformation that came over him when he preached.

“Ah,” he said, “That’s my altar ego.”

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A man was sunbathing naked at the beach

For the sake of civility and to protect from being sunburnt, he had a hat on his private parts.

A women came by and smirked, “If you were a real gentleman you’d lift your hat for a lady.”




The man replied, “Ma’am, if you were more attractive it would lift itself.”

A Tibetan monk sees the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine.

He raises his eyes to the heavens and exclaims "I can't believe it's not Buddha!"

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There was an American man who lived in Thailand and when he was there he had a lot of sex and never used a condom the entire time.

Then he returned to America and one morning he woke up and noticed bright green and purple dots on his penis

Freaked out, he went to the doctor. The doctor said "I have never seen anything like this before. We will need to run some tests." So they ran some tests and he said come back in 3 day...

There once was a farmer whose five quintuplet teenage daughters were going on dates at the same time.

"As soon as your dates arrive," said the farmer, "I will talk to them personally. If I don't like them, I will shoot them."

Just then, a knock was heard at the door. The farmer answered the door, shotgun in hand. "Who is this?"

"My name's Teddy," said the boy. "I'm going steady with Be...

My Tinder bio says I have a corner office with views of the entire city, drive a $500,000 vehicle, and I’m paid to travel

My dates are always upset when I tell them I’m a bus driver

One day during a war....

A tall, strong and handsome Roman soldier broke into a house where he found two luscious maidens and their matronly nurse.

Chuckling with glee, he roared, "Prepare thyselves for a conquest, my pretties."

The lovely girls fell to their knees and pleaded with him, "Do with us as thou wil...

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A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.

Unfortunately, she distracted the male part of the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So one of the ladies approached Susan very discreetly about the problem, & ...

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A couple of Italian guys are discussing who, if they could choose any woman in the world, they'd rather bang

One of them says some big name actress, the other says "Virginia Pippilini."

The first guy's like, "Who's that? Is she a model?"

"I don't know"

"Actress?"

"I don't know."

"Singer?"

"I don't know."

"Well if you don't know, why choose her?"

The ...

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I asked my doctor when we could anticipate an end to the coronavirus epidemic

He said “I don’t know. I’m not really into politics.”

As a non-American, I love seeing Americans saying Happy 4th of July.

It's the only time Americans pronounce dates correctly.

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A woman who is pregnant with triplets (boys) is walking on the street when all of a sudden she gets shot 3 times in the stomach.

Upon arrival at the hospital the doctor tells her she will live and so will the 3 boys. He also tells her surgery isnt necessary to remove the bullets and the bullets will find its way out the natural way.

10 years have passed since the accident .when 1 of the boys runs up to his mom screamin...

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A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, "Do you have that book for men with small penises?"

The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don’t know if it's in yet."

"Yeah, that's the one!"

The recipe said, “Set the oven to 180 degrees.”

Now I have no idea what to do, because the oven door is facing the wall.

A man walks into an Indian restaurant.

The waiter asks, “have you ever ordered here before?”

The man replies, “No, I haven’t.”

The waiter continues, “We’re a little different here. Before you order, I need you read and sign this form,” and he hands a piece of paper to the man.

The man squints at the paper and reads t...

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I went to a pub and ordered a pint. As the landlord put my drink down, I asked him for the wifi code.

"Oh no," he said, "there's no wifi in here; people used to sit talking in pubs about their day, their families, work, politics, music, the lot - now people just stare at their phones and it breaks my heart to see; therefore, no wifi in this pub."

"You know what?" I replied, "You're right!" an...

Steve likes Flowers

Every week, he goes to a different florist in his city, and buys a different kind of flower, trying to find what looks and smells best. On this occasion, however, he struggles to find one that fits his vibe for the week. Seeing his struggle, the young florist walks up.

"Hi!" She says with a ...

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A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse fall's into a mud hole and is sinking.

He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety.

The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper.

He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, ...

What's the dumbest animal in the jungle?

A polar bear.

The female janitor in my building asked if I would smoke some weed with her.

I said no; I can't deal with high maintenance women.

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Mouths are the new boobs.

Only okay to expose them in public for the purpose of feeding.

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Jimmie, an 80-year-old gentleman, retired to Florida after his wife of 58 years had passed away. He was quite alone in the world and longed for companionship again.

One day, as he was walking through a public park, he spied what he considered to be a very pretty, silver-haired lady sitting alone on a park bench. Getting his nerve up, he approached the lady and asked graciously, "Pardon me, ma'am, but may I sit here with you?"


The silver-haired Marcie...

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?" ...

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A rich millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his 50th birthday, so during this party he grabs the microphone and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two crocodiles in it.

'I will give anything they desire of mine, to the man who swims across that pool.' So the party continues with no events in the pool, until suddenly, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened. 

In the pool is a man and he is swimming as h...

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A male whale and a female whale are swimming were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship.

The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father years ago. He said to the female whale, “let’s both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink.” They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and sank.
...

What’s the difference between an Al Qaeda base and a Pakistani school?

I don’t know man, I just fly the drone.

A Chinese doctor can't find a job in a hospital in the US, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside that reads "GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100."



An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."

Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."

Chinese: "Cong...

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Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft.

The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds. It concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.

After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. The...

A mailman notices a mailbox with the flag up

So, he opens the box and picks up the letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his...

My friend confessed to me saying that he was starting to develop a bestiality fetish...

Not wanting to kink shame him I ask “How did you get into it?”

“Well I did some research on the internet and ended up going down a rabbit hole”

"I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am.

The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the ...

My wife called me and said “ If you’re not home from the bar in 10 minutes, I’m giving the dinner I cooked for you to the dog.”

I was home in 3 minutes, I’d hate for anything to happen to the poor dog.

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A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens t...

I bought 10 asparagus at the store but when I got home I realized I had 11.

It was just a spare, I guess.

Donald trump is having tea with the queen in Buckingham palace.

When Trump brings up the topic of telling which politician is intellegent, the queen calls for boris johnson to come into the room. A minute later, Boris opens the door and walks in. The queen asks him, "Your mother has a child that isn't your brothers or your sisters. Who is this?". Boris thinks f...

In breaking news, Trump’s personal library has burned down.

The fire consumed both books and in a tragic twist he hadn’t even finished coloring the second one.

What do you call the boss at Old McDonald's Farm ?

The CIEIO

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A Russian spy, a sexual predator and a billionaire walk into a bar, and the bartender says:

What can I get you Mr. President?

An atheist is walking along the bank of Loch Ness, suddenly, out of the depths appears Nessie.

She snatched the atheist up in her jaws and threw her head back, throwing thim up in the air. Just before the atheist fell into Nessie's jaws he cries out

"Oh god help me!"

Amazingly, time froze and God appeared next to the atheist. God asked:
"My son, all your life you have fo...

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A lady approaches a priest and shyly tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots but, they only know how to say one thing... they keep saying 'Hi, we’re hot... do you want to *fuck us*?'"



"That's terrible!" says the priest. "But, I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house tomorrow. I will put them with my two male talking parrots... to whom I've taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terri...

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My sewing instructor thinks that I’m the worst student she has ever seen in her life.

Shit, wrong thread.

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