How many Swedish people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

I have no IKEA.

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I'm just here to let you all know gratrunka is the Swedish word for crying while masturbating

Ain't that a real tear jerker?????

Want to hear a Swedish joke?

Nevermind. There’s Norway I could Finnish it.

My (Swedish) grandfather told me this joke

A Swedish immigrant finally arrives at Ellis Island after days at sea, and with only $15 in his pocket. He's eager to get a job, find a place to live, and start his new life in America, but after such a long and hard journey, his first stop is to get a drink to unwind!

He walks into the first...

English: A dog.

Swedish: What?

English: The dog.

English: Two dogs.

Swedish: Okay. We have: En hund, hunden, Två hundar, hundarna.

German: Wait, I wan’t to try it too!

English: No, go away.

Swedish: No one invited you. ...

Why do the Swedish military have barcodes on the sides of their ships?

So when they all return to port, they can Scandinavian.

A Norwegian, a Finnish and a Swedish man were in front of a cave

The Norwegian man says "I bet I can go there and be at least 10 seconds." and goes to the cave, comes out and says "I couldn't be there for that long, the bear was too scary.

"I bet I can be there at least 20 seconds." the Swedish man says and goes in too, but comes back after 15 seconds. "Th...

80% of Swedish nationals report enjoying the lockdown despite having initially rejecting it. They say it makes them more productive.

Personally, I think it’s just a case of Stuckhome syndrome.

A swedish reporter traveled to Finland during WW2 to interview a finnish soldier...

Once in Finland, he found a soldier sitting outside some tents.
The reporter sat down beside the man and asked:
”Can you tell me how you feel about beeing a finnish soldier?”

Well, the soldier said, as a finnish soldier you have two alternatives.
Either you live or you die.
If you...

What is the average number of inhabitants in a Swedish nursing home?

Can't say, that would be a mean joke.

Where do swedish bears sleep?

In their sweDEN.

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Hitler commits suicide and appears in front of god

God:"You already know you're going to hell, but before that I'll give you one wish."

Hitler:"Alright, let me kill 10 million Jews and one Swedish man."

God:"Why the Swedish man?"

Hitler:"I knew you didn't give a fuck about the Jews."

How a swedish man threatens..

If you don't hand over the money... Ikea ya!

A young Swedish woman, old Dutch woman, an Englishman, and an Irishman are riding a train.

A young Swedish woman, an old Dutch woman, an Englishman, and an Irishman are riding on a train.
The train goes through a tunnel, it becomes pitch black in the car, and then a loud SMACK is heard.
The train emerges from the tunnel and the Englishman is rubbing his cheek.
The old Dutch woman...

What did the Swedish hedge say to the other Swedish hedge?

Hej!

Finnish, swedish and norwegian went to bar

because life sucks and alcohol is their way to escape it.

I’m nineteen and won’t vote in this upcoming election. Here’s why:

I’m Swedish

Swedish astronomer Andres Celcius died in 1744 at the age of 43

Though his rival, Fahrenheit, was convinced he was 103.

What do you call somebody who says they are Swedish but really aren't?

An artificial Swedener

All this talk recently about following the Swedish model

I tried following a Swedish model one time. Apparently, Sweden has restraining orders, too...

Why do the Swedish have barcodes on the side of their ships?

So they can Scandinavian.

(Sorry, my personal favourite joke)

What do you call a Swedish baby with no heartbeat?

Still Bjorn.

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Did you know the the word ikea is made of two Swedish words;

Ik: meaning Sunday

Ea:meaning FUCKING RUINED

What sound does a Swedish goose make?

HJONK

Nothing beats the Swedish summer...

it's simply the best day of the year.

Watched a talent show audition and of course before this guy gets up to sing he has to go on and on about how his Swedish car broke down on the way there and he has no way home, etc.

I wish people could just sing without telling a Saab story.

A Saudi Prince wants to buy a bull, so he goes to see a famous Russian bovine breeder.

The Russian tells him, "I have many good animal. Here is Swedish bull, is born black color, but color turns white when grows."

"Over there is American bull. Color when born is red, but become dark brown when full grown."

"And here, Turkish bull. They is born dark brown, but grow up to ...

What is it called when you eat a whole bag of Swedish Berries?

Finnish Berries

Did you hear the one about the Swedish Buddhist?

Someone said he was Bjorn again...and again...and again...

I totaled my swedish car today...

But you don't want to hear my Saab story.

Could someone please tell me why people are comparing Greta Thunberg with the US president?

It's impudent and just wrong. One is an angry, attention-seeking child that yells at foreign leaders on international conferences and never does anything that actually helps.

The other one is a Swedish climate activist.

Swedish superstition

An American woman is married to a Swedish guy. Their marriage is otherwise happy but (i) they are both in Reddit and (ii) she has noticed that every now and then he seems to disappear in the middle of the night and come back with a strange smell about him.
Then one night she's not quite asleep ye...

A Swedish man was walking through London

A Swedish man was walking through London when he stopped a pedestrian.

"I'm sorry to bother you, sir, but I was wondering if you could answer a question about your language?"

"Why not?" The Englishman responded. "Go ahead."

"You see," the Swedish man said, "I'm a bit confused ab...

As I regained consciousness from last nights car crash.

The Doctors were trying to convince me, I'm actually a Swedish bloke who had forgotten his identity...

But I wasn't Bjorn yesterday!

There was a Swedish singer who was Catholic

Theres a swedish singer who was catholic, then renounced religion and became atheist in her teens. When she was in her early 20s she decided to follow Catholicism again. She was a Björn again Christian

If a Swedish clown goes Hjönk, what does a French clown go?

On strike.

Why does Swedish sugar taste better?

It’s Sweder

The Spitting Cobra's venom can make you go blind. What Swedish snake can help you see more clearly?

The Vindshield Viper!

My dad’s favourite joke (he always does this with the accents)

An Englishman in Sweden goes to the chemist:

Englishman - "I’d like to buy deodorant please" Swedish chemist - "Ball or aerosol?"
Englishman - “No, armpits"

Finished!

An Italian guy is out picking up chicks in Roma. While at his favorite bar, he manages to attract one rather attractive looking blonde. So they’re back at his place, and sure enough, they go at it. After a long while… He climaxes loudly. Then he rolls over, lights up a cigarette and asks her, “So…. ...

Old swedish joke

There was a Norwegian submarine on lookout for enemy ships south of Norway. The Swedes thought it would be fun to mess with them.
So a Swedish diver swims to the submarine and knocks on the hatch. Naturally the Norwegian opens the hatch and boom the submarine sinks.

The Norwegian submarine...

A Swedish woman, two Swedish men and another Swedish woman...

...walk into ABBA...

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A Finnish man died

His two Swedish friends are having a moment to remember him.

-You know... ... he was pretty weird.

-What do you mean with that?

-He had 2 assholes.

-How do you know that?!

-Everytime we walked into the bar together the bartender said: "Here comes the Finn with ...

What Do You Call Vegan Swedish Meatballs?

Meatish Swedeballs

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A man walks into the pub bathroom...

He notices a dwarf by the urinal. The dwarf appears to be drunk as hell as he's swaying and seems to be making an effort not to puke. The man goes to the urinal and does what he came here to do.

As he turns to go to the sink and wash his hands the dwarf splutters:
\- Hey... hey you!
<...

My neighbor is always complaining about his Swedish car breaking down all the time.

I’m getting really tired of the Saab stories.

Dad joke a la meatball

I was recently out with some friends at a buffet restaurant.

I ate this Swedish meatball and said, "This tastes more Norwegian to me."

My friend replied immediately, "How could you possibly know that?"

I replied, "I was going to tell you, but you didn't let me Finnish!"

what is a swedish government crisis?

there are 12 ministers in a meeting but only 11 cinnamonrolls

My dad is 100% Swedish and this was his favorite joke to tell waitresses when we went out to eat.

Waitress: Are you all finished?

Dad: No, I'm not Finnish, I'm Swedish.

This Swedish guy was walking up to a bus stop when he tripped and fell onto a woman's lap.

I lied. He wasn't Swedish.

He was a Laplander.

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I've just hired a hot 19 year-old Swedish girl with massive tits to babysit my kids. Now...

Where the fuck do I get some kids from?

From this babysitter website , I selected this gorgeous 19 yr old Swedish exchange student who has an amazing rack to watch over my kid tonight .

Does anyone have a baby or a toddler to spare for a few hours ?

It turns out I'm Norwegian, Swedish, and Danish

Apparently there's more, but I can't Finnish.

Three Swedish men visited Copenhagen and decided to go to a Saloon...

They knocked on the door and the Madame opened. "What do you want?"
"We want to come in. We are Swedish."
"How much money are you willing to spend here?"
"We have altogether 250 crones."
"250 crones! For that price you can screw each other!"
After saying this the Madame slammed...

Just watching the Germany Sweden game and there’s a Swedish player called lustig

that’s funny.

Trump should hire the Swedish Soccer team..

Mexico couldn't break their wall.

Ole and Sven and two Swedish girls

Ole and Sven are the best of friends, and they have two Swedish girls on the string - Lena and Olga - who live together in an apartment.

One evening Ole and Sven are sitting in the bar getting juiced. Ole turns to Sven and asks, 'Ven do you spose dose girls are gonna make out vit us?'
Sven...

Part of my college class on distilling alcohol was about Swedish vodka

It was an Absolut unit

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Swedish Massage

A young guy was laying on his back on a massage table, wearing only a towel over his groin.
A young and stunning attractive Swedish girl was massaging his shoulders, then his chest, and gradually worked her way down his body. The guy was getting sexually excited as she approached the towel. The ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the constipated Swedish guy?

He was Farfrompoopin

Swedish for beginners.

\-Far, får får får?
\-Nej, får får inte får, får får lamm.

TIL that Swedish Fish are actually shaped like Sweden, not fish.

Yeah, it turns out the fish part is a red herring.

What's Swedish Chef's evil twin's name?

Swedish Jeff

Low sugar Swedish fish

If they make a low sugar swedish fish, would it be Sweet-Ish Swedish-ish fish?

Know any Swedish jokes?

I've heard they don't Finnish very well

I'm reading a book about Swedish automotive history.

It's a real Saab story.

Why can't you ever sing the last verse of a Swedish song?

Because it's not Finnish.

Sven and Ole joke (do your best Swedish accent when reading their lines)

Sven and Ole both lost their jobs when the clothing manufacturer they worked at closed. At the unemployment office, Sven was asked what position he held at the factory, he replied “Ya, well I sew women’s underpants.” He was told to go to the next line to claim his unemployment check.

Ole was ...

So my friend called me last night to tell me about how his Swedish car broke down

But I told him I didn't have time for his Saab stories

Five swedish men in a pool

The swedes were swimming and suddenly a condom popped to the surface of the water.

Directly one of the mans asks: "who farted?"

A man walks into a Swedish chemist shop.....

... and asks for some deodorant. The shopkeeper says 'ball or aerosol?' The man answers 'neither, I want it for my armpits.

What do Swedish criminals say when the cops are coming?

Pork! Pork! Pork!

My dad just called a family meeting.

Me, mum, my two brothers, my sister and grandma hurried into the living room and gathered round an IKEA box laying on the floor.

"Dad, it's some flat pack furniture, what do you need the whole family for?" I asked.

"Well, it must be these strange Swedish customs", he replies, "It says...

A good Russian joke about Russians :)

It goes smth like this (I may have modified some parts slightly so that it would sound better in English).

For their new research, several sociologists have designed a device that registers every expletive used in the immediate vicinity to determine how often swearing words are used by differ...

Have you heard the one about the failed Swedish car company?

I'd tell it to you, but nobody likes a Saab story.

What's the difference between a Swedish jam band and slam dunking a baby?

One's a Swedish Phish and the other's a fetus swish

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What do you get when you cross a Swedish tennis pro, a computer virus, and an insatiable hunger for mort flesh?

Cyborg Bjorn Borg hosting smorgasbords at the morgue.

Swedish Moose Joke Translated by Google

PS: Read with strong Scandinavian accent for best effect.

&nbsp;

There were two moose who were flying. Then it said one:

"You have a bun in your eye!"

"What?" Answered the other.

"You have a bun in the eye!"

"What?"

"You have a bun in your eye."...

A Swedish bartender is found to be the spitting image of Leonardo DiCaprio

As it turns out, they have the same amount of Oscars, too.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An older couple were exploring art museum...

...when they came across a painting that they didn't quite understand. It appeared to be three naked black men sitting on a bench, the one in the middle had a white penis. This made the couple ponder for a while.

What was the message? Was it a commentary on racism? Perhaps an insight into cla...

The other day a Swedish man called me a racist and a believer of stereotypes...

So Ikea'd his car.

Swedish Father

I wonder if a Swedish man has ever left his son before he was Bjorn.

How do you catch a Swedish fish?

With a gummy worm as bait

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20-Year double-blind university study in Sweden on the effects of diet on sex drive

Have you heard about this new study?

Researchers in Sweden tracked 2,000 couples from the moment they first started dating out to twenty (20) years forward.

Obviously, most of the couples ended up getting divorced, but their behavior and health was still tracked throughout the study....

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A German Man, A Swedish Man, and an Israeli Man Are Kidnapped by ISIS

“Listen up infidels,” says the ISIS member, you have on last with before I kill you.”

The German pleads for mercy, “Germany has always embraced your people, what have I done to deserve this ?” After no answer, he deicdes he wants sausage and a good beer.

Next, the Swedish man screams a...

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A guy from Finland, Sweden and Norway get stranded on an island

The natives on the island capture the three guys and when the leader sees them he says to them: We'll let you go if you can get us 10 fruits or vegetables and bring them here.

The Norwegian finds 10 apples and when he brings them to the natives the leader says to him: "Ok, now put them up yo...

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Two Swedish guys see a brothel...

Two Swedish guys see a brothel and decide to knock on the door. Bouncer opens the door and asks...

Bouncer: What do you want?
Swedes: We would like to have some sexy time with the ladies in your fine establishment if you don't mind.
B: How much money do you have?
S: We have 20 euros....

'One liner jokes' competition

A blonde and brunette were the best of friends and one day they came across a 'one liner competition'. They both admired comedy and hence they decided to give it a shot.


There were comedians, some established and some fresh talents, telling their best joke.


First came a Swedish...

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