UPJOKE
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Want to hear a Swedish joke?

Nevermind. There’s Norway I could Finnish it.

Nothing beats the Swedish summer...

it's simply the best day of the year.

Why do Swedish people love their country?

Because they have Stockholm syndrome

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hitler commits suicide and appears in front of god

God:"You already know you're going to hell, but before that I'll give you one wish."

Hitler:"Alright, let me kill 10 million Jews and one Swedish man."

God:"Why the Swedish man?"

Hitler:"I knew you didn't give a fuck about the Jews."

Sven and Ole are two fictional swedish immigrants who live in Minnesota. They are characters used in jokes. I heard this one from my dad.

Sven is vacationing at his cabin in northern Minnesota and happens to get in line at a Dairy Queen.

An indian (native american) man approaches him and makes a proposition.

Indian Man: Hey I have a deal for you. I will ask you a riddle. If you can answer it I will buy you an ice cream, ...

Have you heard about the Swedish mutation of Covid-19?

You have to assemble it yourself.

Where did the Swedish marathon end?

The Finnish line

Swedish astronomer Andres Celcius died in 1744 at the age of 43

Though his rival, Fahrenheit, was convinced he was 103.

What do you call somebody who says they are Swedish but really aren't?

An artificial Swedener

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One of the British national daily newspapers was asking readers: "What it means to be British?".

Some of the emails were hilarious but this one from a Swiss was a winner.
 
"Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for
a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a
Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on a Swedish furniture and watch
Americ...

There were 3 crews that worked for a telephone pole company. A German crew, a Norwegian crew, and a Swedish crew.

The foreman told each crew to put in telephone poles for the day and left. At 5:00 PM he came back and asked each crew how many poles they put in.

The German crew tells him they put in 9 poles today.
"Good job, head on home" the foreman tells them.

The Norwegian crew tells him they ...

A swedish reporter traveled to Finland during WW2 to interview a finnish soldier...

Once in Finland, he found a soldier sitting outside some tents.
The reporter sat down beside the man and asked:
”Can you tell me how you feel about beeing a finnish soldier?”

Well, the soldier said, as a finnish soldier you have two alternatives.
Either you live or you die.
If you...

My friend is always complaining about the Swedish car dealership he works at. Today I had enough and finally said I don’t want to hear anymore of your

Saab stories

Why do Swedish warships have a barcode on the side?

So they can Scandinavian :)

A Saudi Prince wants to buy a bull, so he goes to see a famous Russian bovine breeder.

The Russian tells him "I have many good animal. Here is Swedish bull, is born black color, but color turns white when grows.”

"Over there is American bull. Color when born is red, but become dark brown when full grown.”

"And here, Turkish bull. They is born dark brown, but grow up to b...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was on a train the other day when two Swedish men sat down next to me

The two introduced themselves as Sven and Olf. Olf in particular was wearing a t-shirt with the USSR flag on and boasted a cap with a hammer and sickle on, so I assumed he was an avid communist. I asked them if either of them knew where I could get alcohol on the train, and Olf piped up:

"If ...

I just heard that the Swedish prime minister quit after just a few hours

And I thought I was the only one who couldn't put together a Swedish cabinet.

During a radio interview the host brings up his Swedish guest's past achievements as an air force commander...

"So Commander, I understand you were an ace fighter pilot during World War II"

The Commander replies, "Ya sure, dis is true, I shot down nine of those Fokkers"

The host says, "at this point I think we should inform our listening audience that a "Fokker" is a type of German airplane use...

Swedish government is not allowing the aircraft carrier Admiral Kuznetsov in their territorial waters

The main issues seem to be related to the working conditions of the rowers.

My Swedish friend called begging for a ride because he apparently wrecked his car...

It was a real Saab story...

How can you tell if a fish is a Swedish fish?

It only has Finns on one side.

What do you call a Swedish handgun

A Revolvo!

A Scandanavian man walks into a bar

He orders and drinks an entire glass of beer.

"Are you finished?" asked the bartender.

The man looks at the bartender and says

"No I'm Swedish"

I've just built two flatpack models of Motown stars That I bought from a certain Swedish Store



Ikea?

Yes and that's Tina over there.

Why does the Swedish military put barcodes on the bottom of their warships?

So they can Scandinavian.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A circus is in town, famed for it's lion tamer

The evening is unfolding and the anticipated act is upon the audience.

Rings of fire and whips cracking. For the final act the lion tamer climbs up on a pedestal, unzips his pants to pull out his member. The largest and most ferocious lion opens its maw on command. The lion tamer places his e...

80% of Swedish nationals report enjoying the lockdown despite having initially rejecting it. They say it makes them more productive.

Personally, I think it’s just a case of Stuckhome syndrome.

A young Swedish woman, old Dutch woman, an Englishman, and an Irishman are riding a train.

A young Swedish woman, an old Dutch woman, an Englishman, and an Irishman are riding on a train.
The train goes through a tunnel, it becomes pitch black in the car, and then a loud SMACK is heard.
The train emerges from the tunnel and the Englishman is rubbing his cheek.
The old Dutch woman...

A Swedish Farming Village in 1265...

...is facing a crisis. They haven't had any rain in almost 2 months. All of their crops are dead or dying, and many of the citizens are starving.

One day, Sven comes bursting into his kitchen, scooping his wife Helda into his arms and dancing with joy.

"Sven! What's gotten into you? Wh...

A Swedish man shows up to a job interview

The interviewer says, "Mr. Gustafson, could you explain the 4 year gap in your resume?"

"I went to Yale", he replied.

"Outstanding! What did you go to Yale for?"

"Yacking off in the library"

All Swedish battleships have a UPC code printed on the hull.

When the ships return to port, it helps them Scandinavian.

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The wealthy George (the original joke is in Swedish and the translation might be a bit off)

On the beach in large luxury house lives the wealthy George. One day Carl comes from the tax authority and asks how George can live so richly when he has no income.

“I bet”, says George.

“But you can not survive on betting, can you?” asks Carl from the tax authority.

“Do you ...

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A woman was about to give birth

Nurse: Do you want your husband to be in the delivery room?

Woman: Unfortunately, I don't have a husband.

N: Maybe your boyfriend?

W: Nope, I don't have that either.

N: Erm, maybe the person who was involved in this?

W: I'm sorry but I am with no one and will be al...

My (Swedish) grandfather told me this joke

A Swedish immigrant finally arrives at Ellis Island after days at sea, and with only $15 in his pocket. He's eager to get a job, find a place to live, and start his new life in America, but after such a long and hard journey, his first stop is to get a drink to unwind!

He walks into the first...

If you go to a Scandinavian bakery you could Finnish a Swedish Danish.

Norway I'd make this up!

Swedish inventors have created cyborgs which are hard to distinguish from real humans.

Critics are concerned about the use of artificial Swedeners.

How many Swedish people does it take to make a cake?

Depends on how Swede you want it to be

An Italian guy is out picking up women in Rome. While at his favorite bar, he manages to attract one rather attractive-looking blonde.

They go back to his place, and sure enough, they go at it. After a long while, he climaxes. Then he rolls over, lights up a cigarette and asks her, “So… you finish?”

After a short pause, she replies, “No.”

Surprised, but pleasantly, he puts out his cigarette, rolls back on top of her, ...

Why are Nordic languages so hard to understand?

English: A dog.

Swedish: What?

English: The dog.

English: Two dogs.

Swedish: Okay. We have: En hund, hunden, Två hundar, hundarna.

German: Wait, I wan’t to try it too!

English: No, go away.

Swedish: No one invited you.

German: Der Hund.

...

What do you call a Swedish baby with no heartbeat?

Still Bjorn.

A Swedish man was walking through London

A Swedish man was walking through London when he stopped a pedestrian.

"I'm sorry to bother you, sir, but I was wondering if you could answer a question about your language?"

"Why not?" The Englishman responded. "Go ahead."

"You see," the Swedish man said, "I'm a bit confused ab...

What is it called when you eat a whole bag of Swedish Berries?

Finnish Berries

what is a swedish government crisis?

there are 12 ministers in a meeting but only 11 cinnamonrolls

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Management Knows Best

A Japanese company and a Swedish company decided to have a row competition as a publicity stunt. Both teams trained long and hard. Competition came and the Japanese won by 1 kilometer. The Swedish company's leadership was shocked. But in this major crisis, the leadership showed its value: They wante...

As I regained consciousness from last nights car crash.

The Doctors were trying to convince me that I'm actually a Swedish

Guy who has forgotten his identity...

But I am having none of it. I wasn't Bjorn yesterday!

What sound does a Swedish spider make when you squish it?

Skarweesh.

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A young lady in the maternity ward is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth of her child.

“I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies. "Okay do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife. "No, no boyfriend either".

"Do you have a partner then?" "No, I'm not attached to anyone. I'll be having my baby on my own".

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. “...

My dad is 100% Swedish and this was his favorite joke to tell waitresses when we went out to eat.

Waitress: Are you all finished?

Dad: No, I'm not Finnish, I'm Swedish.

Sven and Ole joke (do your best Swedish accent when reading their lines)

Sven and Ole both lost their jobs when the clothing manufacturer they worked at closed. At the unemployment office, Sven was asked what position he held at the factory, he replied “Ya, well I sew women’s underpants.” He was told to go to the next line to claim his unemployment check.

Ole was ...

Why do they have bar codes on the returning Swedish fleet?

So they can Scandinavian.

A Swedish friend of mine told me how he lost everything when the car company he worked for went out of business.

It was a real Saab story.

Did you hear the one about the Swedish Buddhist?

Someone said he was Bjorn again...and again...and again...

Old swedish joke

There was a Norwegian submarine on lookout for enemy ships south of Norway. The Swedes thought it would be fun to mess with them.
So a Swedish diver swims to the submarine and knocks on the hatch. Naturally the Norwegian opens the hatch and boom the submarine sinks.

The Norwegian submarine...

Finnish, swedish and norwegian went to bar

because life sucks and alcohol is their way to escape it.

What did the Swedish hedge say to the other Swedish hedge?

Hej!

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The leaders of the free world gather to discuss the problems of a struggling nation

The French start: "The Age of Enlightenment started here. We'll help spread progressive ideas."

The Germans follow: "We have a very stable economy, we'll help lower national debt."

The Japanese join in: "Our scientist are the best in the world. We pledge to help battle the spreading di...

Where do swedish bears sleep?

In their sweDEN.

Where do Swedish Socks Live?

In the Sockholm.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Gråtrunka is Swedish for crying whilst masturbating.

It’s a real tear jerker.

Watched a talent show audition and of course before this guy gets up to sing he has to go on and on about how his Swedish car broke down on the way there and he has no way home, etc.

I wish people could just sing without telling a Saab story.

A Norwegian, a Finnish and a Swedish man were in front of a cave

The Norwegian man says "I bet I can go there and be at least 10 seconds." and goes to the cave, comes out and says "I couldn't be there for that long, the bear was too scary.

"I bet I can be there at least 20 seconds." the Swedish man says and goes in too, but comes back after 15 seconds. "Th...

Swedish recruit goes in to the Supply Sergeant for his first weapons issue:

*" Hallo, my name is Hans ... where are my arms? "*

Swedish for beginners.

\-Far, får får får?
\-Nej, får får inte får, får får lamm.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the constipated Swedish guy?

He was Farfrompoopin

The Spitting Cobra's venom can make you go blind. What Swedish snake can help you see more clearly?

The Vindshield Viper!

What Do You Call Vegan Swedish Meatballs?

Meatish Swedeballs

Swedish superstition

An American woman is married to a Swedish guy. Their marriage is otherwise happy but (i) they are both in Reddit and (ii) she has noticed that every now and then he seems to disappear in the middle of the night and come back with a strange smell about him.
Then one night she's not quite asleep ye...

Know any Swedish jokes?

I've heard they don't Finnish very well

Part of my college class on distilling alcohol was about Swedish vodka

It was an Absolut unit

Low sugar Swedish fish

If they make a low sugar swedish fish, would it be Sweet-Ish Swedish-ish fish?

So my friend called me last night to tell me about how his Swedish car broke down

But I told him I didn't have time for his Saab stories

Three Swedish men visited Copenhagen and decided to go to a Saloon...

They knocked on the door and the Madame opened. "What do you want?"
"We want to come in. We are Swedish."
"How much money are you willing to spend here?"
"We have altogether 250 crones."
"250 crones! For that price you can screw each other!"
After saying this the Madame slammed...

A Swedish woman, two Swedish men and another Swedish woman...

...walk into ABBA...

My neighbor is always complaining about his Swedish car breaking down all the time.

I’m getting really tired of the Saab stories.

There was a Swedish singer who was Catholic

Theres a swedish singer who was catholic, then renounced religion and became atheist in her teens. When she was in her early 20s she decided to follow Catholicism again. She was a Björn again Christian

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Swedish Massage

A young guy was laying on his back on a massage table, wearing only a towel over his groin.
A young and stunning attractive Swedish girl was massaging his shoulders, then his chest, and gradually worked her way down his body. The guy was getting sexually excited as she approached the towel. The ...

It turns out I'm Norwegian, Swedish, and Danish

Apparently there's more, but I can't Finnish.

TIL that Swedish Fish are actually shaped like Sweden, not fish.

Yeah, it turns out the fish part is a red herring.

Why can't you ever sing the last verse of a Swedish song?

Because it's not Finnish.

Five swedish men in a pool

The swedes were swimming and suddenly a condom popped to the surface of the water.

Directly one of the mans asks: "who farted?"

Accidently signed up for the Krona vaccine

Now I've lost my Swedish bank account

Just watching the Germany Sweden game and there’s a Swedish player called lustig

that’s funny.

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A young ventriloquist is touring Sweden and puts on a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Swedish blonde women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s men like y...

I asked a fortune teller the name of my future wife.

I have no idea what kind of name is "Yorhand". Sounds Swedish though.

Swedish Moose Joke Translated by Google

PS: Read with strong Scandinavian accent for best effect.

 

There were two moose who were flying. Then it said one:

"You have a bun in your eye!"

"What?" Answered the other.

"You have a bun in the eye!"

"What?"

"You have a bun in your eye."...

What do Swedish criminals say when the cops are coming?

Pork! Pork! Pork!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you get when you cross a Swedish tennis pro, a computer virus, and an insatiable hunger for mort flesh?

Cyborg Bjorn Borg hosting smorgasbords at the morgue.

From this babysitter website , I selected this gorgeous 19 yr old Swedish exchange student who has an amazing rack to watch over my kid tonight .

Does anyone have a baby or a toddler to spare for a few hours ?

I'm reading a book about Swedish automotive history.

It's a real Saab story.

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An ensign was spending his first few days aboard a submarine learning his duties and a litany of regulations.

His job was unusual, but simple; tend a pair of oxen in a miniature field on deck 7. The purpose of this agricultural endeavor was to see if crops might one day be grown inside a spaceship; a submarine was an adequate stand in.

He had never driven cattle before, but in short order, he got th...

What's the difference between a Swedish jam band and slam dunking a baby?

One's a Swedish Phish and the other's a fetus swish

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A German Man, A Swedish Man, and an Israeli Man Are Kidnapped by ISIS

“Listen up infidels,” says the ISIS member, you have on last with before I kill you.”

The German pleads for mercy, “Germany has always embraced your people, what have I done to deserve this ?” After no answer, he deicdes he wants sausage and a good beer.

Next, the Swedish man screams a...

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Two Swedish guys see a brothel...

Two Swedish guys see a brothel and decide to knock on the door. Bouncer opens the door and asks...

Bouncer: What do you want?
Swedes: We would like to have some sexy time with the ladies in your fine establishment if you don't mind.
B: How much money do you have?
S: We have 20 euros....

In sweden we have what is called Bellman jokes

Disclaimer: Carl Michael Bellman was a swedish author, singer, composer etc. For no particular reason swedes tell jokes about him. Usually involving him and two other guys from different nationalities. Bellman usually wins out in the end somehow.

On to the joke

There was once a Ge...

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