My (Swedish) grandfather told me this joke

A Swedish immigrant finally arrives at Ellis Island after days at sea, and with only $15 in his pocket. He's eager to get a job, find a place to live, and start his new life in America, but after such a long and hard journey, his first stop is to get a drink to unwind!

He walks into the first...

Want to hear a Swedish joke?

Nevermind. There’s Norway I could Finnish it.

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I'm just here to let you all know gratrunka is the Swedish word for crying while masturbating

Ain't that a real tear jerker?????

English: A dog.

Swedish: What?

English: The dog.

English: Two dogs.

Swedish: Okay. We have: En hund, hunden, Två hundar, hundarna.

German: Wait, I wan’t to try it too!

English: No, go away.

Swedish: No one invited you. ...

How many Swedish people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

I have no IKEA.

The Swedish Navy started painting barcodes in the side of their ships.

That way when they get back to port they can Scandinavian.

Why do the Swedish have barcodes on the side of their ships?

So they can Scandinavian.

(Sorry, my personal favourite joke)

My neighbor is always complaining about his Swedish car breaking down all the time.

I’m getting really tired of the Saab stories.

If a Swedish clown goes Hjönk, what does a French clown go?

On strike.

What is it called when you eat a whole bag of Swedish Berries?

Finnish Berries

Swedish superstition

An American woman is married to a Swedish guy. Their marriage is otherwise happy but (i) they are both in Reddit and (ii) she has noticed that every now and then he seems to disappear in the middle of the night and come back with a strange smell about him.
Then one night she's not quite asleep ye...

What do you call somebody who says they are Swedish but really aren't?

An artificial Swedener

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The black guy from next door keeps beating the fuck out of his wife with cheap Swedish furniture.

I call him Ikea Turner.

An Italian guy is out picking up women in Rome

An Italian guy is out picking up women in Rome. While at his favorite bar, he manages to attract one rather attractive-looking blonde.

They go back to his place, and sure enough, they go at it. After a long while, he climaxes. Then he rolls over, lights up a cigarette and asks her, “So… you f...

Did you hear the one about the Swedish Buddhist?

Someone said he was Bjorn again...and again...and again...

A swedish reporter traveled to Finland during WW2 to interview a finnish soldier...

Once in Finland, he found a soldier sitting outside some tents.
The reporter sat down beside the man and asked:
”Can you tell me how you feel about beeing a finnish soldier?”

Well, the soldier said, as a finnish soldier you have two alternatives.
Either you live or you die.
If you...

A young Swedish woman, old Dutch woman, an Englishman, and an Irishman are riding a train.

A young Swedish woman, an old Dutch woman, an Englishman, and an Irishman are riding on a train.
The train goes through a tunnel, it becomes pitch black in the car, and then a loud SMACK is heard.
The train emerges from the tunnel and the Englishman is rubbing his cheek.
The old Dutch woman...

I totaled my swedish car today...

But you don't want to hear my Saab story.

The Spitting Cobra's venom can make you go blind. What Swedish snake can help you see more clearly?

The Vindshield Viper!

A Swedish woman, two Swedish men and another Swedish woman...

...walk into ABBA...

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The swedish man and the danish man

A swedish man and a danish man are stuck on a forgotten island and one day a group of cannibals walks up to them and says
”We are gonna eat you!”
”Unless you can gather together 100 fruits at the same time.”
And so the scandinavian men does.

1 hour later the swedish man returns w...

From this babysitter website , I selected this gorgeous 19 yr old Swedish exchange student who has an amazing rack to watch over my kid tonight .

Does anyone have a baby or a toddler to spare for a few hours ?

What Do You Call Vegan Swedish Meatballs?

Meatish Swedeballs

Why does Swedish sugar taste better?

It’s Sweder

It turns out I'm Norwegian, Swedish, and Danish

Apparently there's more, but I can't Finnish.

Swedish for beginners.

\-Far, får får får?
\-Nej, får får inte får, får får lamm.

Just watching the Germany Sweden game and there’s a Swedish player called lustig

that’s funny.

Old swedish joke

There was a Norwegian submarine on lookout for enemy ships south of Norway. The Swedes thought it would be fun to mess with them.
So a Swedish diver swims to the submarine and knocks on the hatch. Naturally the Norwegian opens the hatch and boom the submarine sinks.

The Norwegian submarine...

Why do all Swedish military ships have bar codes on them?

So when the come to port, they can just Scan da navy in!

Why do Swedish battleships have barcodes printed on the sides?

So that when they return to port they can scandinavyin.

A Swedish man was walking through London

A Swedish man was walking through London when he stopped a pedestrian.

"I'm sorry to bother you, sir, but I was wondering if you could answer a question about your language?"

"Why not?" The Englishman responded. "Go ahead."

"You see," the Swedish man said, "I'm a bit confused ab...

This Swedish guy was walking up to a bus stop when he tripped and fell onto a woman's lap.

I lied. He wasn't Swedish.

He was a Laplander.

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I've just hired a hot 19 year-old Swedish girl with massive tits to babysit my kids. Now...

Where the fuck do I get some kids from?

What did the Chinese statistician use to tally the number of Swedish bands?

An ABBAcus

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Did you hear about the constipated Swedish guy?

He was Farfrompoopin

what is a swedish government crisis?

there are 12 ministers in a meeting but only 11 cinnamonrolls

Ole and Sven and two Swedish girls

Ole and Sven are the best of friends, and they have two Swedish girls on the string - Lena and Olga - who live together in an apartment.

One evening Ole and Sven are sitting in the bar getting juiced. Ole turns to Sven and asks, 'Ven do you spose dose girls are gonna make out vit us?'
Sven...

I remember the Swedish summer of 2017..

It was the best day of the year.

A German Man, A Swedish Man, and an Israeli Man Are Kidnapped by ISIS

“Listen up infidels,” says the ISIS member, you have on last with before I kill you.”

The German pleads for mercy, “Germany has always embraced your people, what have I done to deserve this ?” After no answer, he deicdes he wants sausage and a good beer.

Next, the Swedish man screams a...

TIL that Swedish Fish are actually shaped like Sweden, not fish.

Yeah, it turns out the fish part is a red herring.

My dad is 100% Swedish and this was his favorite joke to tell waitresses when we went out to eat.

Waitress: Are you all finished?

Dad: No, I'm not Finnish, I'm Swedish.

Why can't you ever sing the last verse of a Swedish song?

Because it's not Finnish.

I'm reading a book about Swedish automotive history.

It's a real Saab story.

What's Swedish Chef's evil twin's name?

Swedish Jeff

Low sugar Swedish fish

If they make a low sugar swedish fish, would it be Sweet-Ish Swedish-ish fish?

What do you call a Swedish assassin?

Jason Bjorn

Five swedish men in a pool

The swedes were swimming and suddenly a condom popped to the surface of the water.

Directly one of the mans asks: "who farted?"

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Swedish Massage

A young guy was laying on his back on a massage table, wearing only a towel over his groin.
A young and stunning attractive Swedish girl was massaging his shoulders, then his chest, and gradually worked her way down his body. The guy was getting sexually excited as she approached the towel. The ...

So my friend called me last night to tell me about how his Swedish car broke down

But I told him I didn't have time for his Saab stories

A man walks into a Swedish chemist shop.....

... and asks for some deodorant. The shopkeeper says 'ball or aerosol?' The man answers 'neither, I want it for my armpits.

I'm at the ear clinic.

My name might've been called out. I have no idea.

PSA: The joke is originally in Swedish, tried my best translating it.

What's the difference between a Swedish jam band and slam dunking a baby?

One's a Swedish Phish and the other's a fetus swish

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Two Swedish guys see a brothel...

Two Swedish guys see a brothel and decide to knock on the door. Bouncer opens the door and asks...

Bouncer: What do you want?
Swedes: We would like to have some sexy time with the ladies in your fine establishment if you don't mind.
B: How much money do you have?
S: We have 20 euros....

Know any Swedish jokes?

I've heard they don't Finnish very well

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What do you get when you cross a Swedish tennis pro, a computer virus, and an insatiable hunger for mort flesh?

Cyborg Bjorn Borg hosting smorgasbords at the morgue.

Swedish Moose Joke Translated by Google

PS: Read with strong Scandinavian accent for best effect.

 

There were two moose who were flying. Then it said one:

"You have a bun in your eye!"

"What?" Answered the other.

"You have a bun in the eye!"

"What?"

"You have a bun in your eye."...

When the Son of Odin beat on the Hulk with Mjonir...

It didn't actually hurt me too bad, the Hulk thought. Especially when the God of Thunder hit him in the back, it was rather like a Swedish massage. So the Hulk let Odinsson whale away. Why did he do this?


Because he was Thor.

A Swedish bartender is found to be the spitting image of Leonardo DiCaprio

As it turns out, they have the same amount of Oscars, too.

Three Swedish men visited Copenhagen and decided to go to a Saloon...

They knocked on the door and the Madame opened. "What do you want?"
"We want to come in. We are Swedish."
"How much money are you willing to spend here?"
"We have altogether 250 crones."
"250 crones! For that price you can screw each other!"
After saying this the Madame slammed...

Have you heard the one about the failed Swedish car company?

I'd tell it to you, but nobody likes a Saab story.

Swedish Father

I wonder if a Swedish man has ever left his son before he was Bjorn.

A Saudi prince wants to buy a bull, so he goes to see a famous Russian bovine breeder.

The Russian tells him, "I have many good animal. Here is Swedish bull, is born black color, but color turns white when grows."

"Over there is American bull. Color when born is red, but become dark brown when full grown."

"And here, Turkish bull. They is born dark brown, but grow up to ...

Sven and Ole joke (do your best Swedish accent when reading their lines)

Sven and Ole both lost their jobs when the clothing manufacturer they worked at closed. At the unemployment office, Sven was asked what position he held at the factory, he replied “Ya, well I sew women’s underpants.” He was told to go to the next line to claim his unemployment check.

Ole was ...

The other day a Swedish man called me a racist and a believer of stereotypes...

So Ikea'd his car.

As I regained consciousness in the hospital from last night's car crash

the doctors were trying to convince me I'm actually a Swedish guy who has forgotten his identity... But I wasn't Bjorn yesterday.

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20-Year double-blind university study in Sweden on the effects of diet on sex drive

Have you heard about this new study?

Researchers in Sweden tracked 2,000 couples from the moment they first started dating out to twenty (20) years forward.

Obviously, most of the couples ended up getting divorced, but their behavior and health was still tracked throughout the study....

A good Russian joke about Russians :)

It goes smth like this (I may have modified some parts slightly so that it would sound better in English).

For their new research, several sociologists have designed a device that registers every expletive used in the immediate vicinity to determine how often swearing words are used by differ...

A guy from Finland, Sweden and Norway get stranded on an island

The natives on the island capture the three guys and when the leader sees them he says to them: We'll let you go if you can get us 10 fruits or vegetables and bring them here.

The Norwegian finds 10 apples and when he brings them to the natives the leader says to him: "Ok, now put them up yo...

How do you catch a Swedish fish?

With a gummy worm as bait

My dad just called a family meeting.

Me, mum, my two brothers, my sister and grandma hurried into the living room and gathered round an IKEA box laying on the floor.

"Dad, it's some flat pack furniture, what do you need the whole family for?" I asked.

"Well, it must be these strange Swedish customs", he replies, "It says...

Is my girlfriend's Name European?

It says "Made in China, 100% Polyesterene, Do not Iron" I think its Swedish, I'm not sure.

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An older couple were exploring art museum...

...when they came across a painting that they didn't quite understand. It appeared to be three naked black men sitting on a bench, the one in the middle had a white penis. This made the couple ponder for a while.

What was the message? Was it a commentary on racism? Perhaps an insight into cla...

So a pirate captain walked into my candy shop the other day...

And he asks me for a gumdrop. I say to him "Why would you want gum that's been dropped?"

"Sir," I say, "Wouldn't you rather have a candy fish?"

He says, "Candy fish? Is it sweet?"

And I say "Well... it's Swedish."

So now, the captain is so angry that he makes we walk the ...

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These puns are Capital!

So I had a productive day at work coming up with these Capital City puns a year ago today. Thought they were too good not to share!

Why did the Geordie arrange a holiday to Romania?

To book a rest!

Bob Mortimer was speaking to his comedy partner's wife saying he wanted to take h...

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OC

LONG

The eu is having a contest for least corrupt country. The praticipating countries are given a bar of gold to put in their capitol buildings. Last one to get stolen wins. First switzerland and sweden are nominated. The italian reprezentative is furrious and demands to be able to praticpat...

How to build a wall

If Trump ever needs help with the wall to Mexico he should ask the Swedish National Football Team, they did a pretty good job.

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Brits

They drive a German Cars.

They go to Irish Pubs.

To drink Belgium beer.

They get a Chinese Takeaway on the way back.

They sit on Swedish furniture.

To watch American films.

On a Japanese TV.


Most of all though they are suspicious of all thi...

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You are never too old to learn something new

You are never too old to learn something new...

I LOVE YOU IN 10 LANGUAGES

English

I Love You

Spanish

Te Amo

French

Je T'aime

German

Ich Liebe Dich

Japanese

Ai Shite Imasu

Italian

Ti Amo

Chinese

...

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Grandads new care home

I recently took my grandad to a care home for him to have a look around and maybe spend a night to see if he liked it.

When we arrived we were greeted by a truly stunning Swedish nurse who took my grandad to look around his room whilst I filled in some paperwork.

He told me she showed ...

What do you call...

What do you call a forum page about Swedish military aviation?

A saabreddit

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If Korean pop is K-Pop and Chinese rap is crap...

does that mean Swedish hits are shits?

So I'm in Ikea....

...and I ask the salesperson, "Is this a finished desk?"
and she says, "No, it's Swedish."

(edited to make more better)

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