My neighbor is always complaining about his Swedish car breaking down all the time.

I’m getting really tired of the Saab stories.

Why do Swedish warships have barcodes?

So that when they return to port they can Scandinavian.

English: A dog.

Swedish: What?

English: The dog.

English: Two dogs.

Swedish: Okay. We have: En hund, hunden, Två hundar, hundarna.

German: Wait, I wan’t to try it too!

English: No, go away.

Swedish: No one invited you. ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I'm just here to let you all know gratrunka is the Swedish word for crying while masturbating

Ain't that a real tear jerker?????

A Finnish, Swedish and a Norwegian person takes a contest who can stay in a cave with bear the longest

The Swedish person goes in first, stays in for 10 seconds, screams and comes running out. Same fate for the Norwegian. When the Finnish person goes in, they hear a scream and the bear comes running out.

A Swedish woman, two Swedish men and another Swedish woman...

...walk into ABBA...

I totaled my swedish car today...

But you don't want to hear my Saab story.

The Spitting Cobra's venom can make you go blind. What Swedish snake can help you see more clearly?

The Vindshield Viper!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The black guy from next door keeps beating the fuck out of his wife with cheap Swedish furniture.

I call him Ikea Turner.

A Swedish man was walking through London

A Swedish man was walking through London when he stopped a pedestrian.

"I'm sorry to bother you, sir, but I was wondering if you could answer a question about your language?"

"Why not?" The Englishman responded. "Go ahead."

"You see," the Swedish man said, "I'm a bit confused ab...

The Swedish Navy started painting barcodes in the side of their ships.

That way when they get back to port they can Scandinavian.

Swedish superstition

An American woman is married to a Swedish guy. Their marriage is otherwise happy but (i) they are both in Reddit and (ii) she has noticed that every now and then he seems to disappear in the middle of the night and come back with a strange smell about him.
Then one night she's not quite asleep ye...

From this babysitter website , I selected this gorgeous 19 yr old Swedish exchange student who has an amazing rack to watch over my kid tonight .

Does anyone have a baby or a toddler to spare for a few hours ?

An Italian guy is out picking up women in Rome

An Italian guy is out picking up women in Rome. While at his favorite bar, he manages to attract one rather attractive-looking blonde.

They go back to his place, and sure enough, they go at it. After a long while, he climaxes. Then he rolls over, lights up a cigarette and asks her, “So… you f...

Want to hear a Swedish joke?

Nevermind. There’s Norway I could Finnish it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The swedish man and the danish man

A swedish man and a danish man are stuck on a forgotten island and one day a group of cannibals walks up to them and says
”We are gonna eat you!”
”Unless you can gather together 100 fruits at the same time.”
And so the scandinavian men does.

1 hour later the swedish man returns w...

What do you call Swedish Fish after you eat them?

Finnish Fish

It turns out I'm Norwegian, Swedish, and Danish

Apparently there's more, but I can't Finnish.

What Do You Call Vegan Swedish Meatballs?

Meatish Swedeballs

Two swedish police officers are patrolling along the norwegian border...

It's friday afternoon and the two officers are in a good mood. They are talking about how much they looking forward to coming home to their wives for a nice meal and some fun in bed. Suddenly they see a man who has hanged himself from a tree.

Officer 1: "Damn it! Now we have to write a repor...

Swedish for beginners.

\-Far, får får får?
\-Nej, får får inte får, får får lamm.

Why does Swedish sugar taste better?

It’s Sweder

This Swedish guy was walking up to a bus stop when he tripped and fell onto a woman's lap.

I lied. He wasn't Swedish.

He was a Laplander.

Just watching the Germany Sweden game and there’s a Swedish player called lustig

that’s funny.

Trump should hire the Swedish Soccer team..

Mexico couldn't break their wall.

I remember the Swedish summer of 2017..

It was the best day of the year.

A young Swedish woman, old Dutch woman, an Englishman, and an Irishman are riding a train.

A young Swedish woman, an old Dutch woman, an Englishman, and an Irishman are riding on a train.
The train goes through a tunnel, it becomes pitch black in the car, and then a loud SMACK is heard.
The train emerges from the tunnel and the Englishman is rubbing his cheek.
The old Dutch woman...

Why do all Swedish military ships have bar codes on them?

So when the come to port, they can just Scan da navy in!

What did the Chinese statistician use to tally the number of Swedish bands?

An ABBAcus

Ole and Sven and two Swedish girls

Ole and Sven are the best of friends, and they have two Swedish girls on the string - Lena and Olga - who live together in an apartment.

One evening Ole and Sven are sitting in the bar getting juiced. Ole turns to Sven and asks, 'Ven do you spose dose girls are gonna make out vit us?'
Sven...

what is a swedish government crisis?

there are 12 ministers in a meeting but only 11 cinnamonrolls

Old swedish joke

There was a Norwegian submarine on lookout for enemy ships south of Norway. The Swedes thought it would be fun to mess with them.
So a Swedish diver swims to the submarine and knocks on the hatch. Naturally the Norwegian opens the hatch and boom the submarine sinks.

The Norwegian submarine...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did you hear about the constipated Swedish guy?

He was Farfrompoopin

TIL that Swedish Fish are actually shaped like Sweden, not fish.

Yeah, it turns out the fish part is a red herring.

A German Man, A Swedish Man, and an Israeli Man Are Kidnapped by ISIS

“Listen up infidels,” says the ISIS member, you have on last with before I kill you.”

The German pleads for mercy, “Germany has always embraced your people, what have I done to deserve this ?” After no answer, he deicdes he wants sausage and a good beer.

Next, the Swedish man screams a...

What do you call a Swedish assassin?

Jason Bjorn

Why can't you ever sing the last verse of a Swedish song?

Because it's not Finnish.

I'm reading a book about Swedish automotive history.

It's a real Saab story.

What's Swedish Chef's evil twin's name?

Swedish Jeff

My dad is 100% Swedish and this was his favorite joke to tell waitresses when we went out to eat.

Waitress: Are you all finished?

Dad: No, I'm not Finnish, I'm Swedish.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I've just hired a hot 19 year-old Swedish girl with massive tits to babysit my kids. Now...

Where the fuck do I get some kids from?

Swedish Moose Joke Translated by Google

PS: Read with strong Scandinavian accent for best effect.

 

There were two moose who were flying. Then it said one:

"You have a bun in your eye!"

"What?" Answered the other.

"You have a bun in the eye!"

"What?"

"You have a bun in your eye."...

I'm at the ear clinic.

My name might've been called out. I have no idea.

PSA: The joke is originally in Swedish, tried my best translating it.

Five swedish men in a pool

The swedes were swimming and suddenly a condom popped to the surface of the water.

Directly one of the mans asks: "who farted?"

As I regained consciousness in the hospital from last night's car crash

the doctors were trying to convince me I'm actually a Swedish guy who has forgotten his identity... But I wasn't Bjorn yesterday.

A man walks into a Swedish chemist shop.....

... and asks for some deodorant. The shopkeeper says 'ball or aerosol?' The man answers 'neither, I want it for my armpits.

What's the difference between a Swedish jam band and slam dunking a baby?

One's a Swedish Phish and the other's a fetus swish

So my friend called me last night to tell me about how his Swedish car broke down

But I told him I didn't have time for his Saab stories

What do Swedish criminals say when the cops are coming?

Pork! Pork! Pork!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Swedish Massage

A young guy was laying on his back on a massage table, wearing only a towel over his groin.
A young and stunning attractive Swedish girl was massaging his shoulders, then his chest, and gradually worked her way down his body. The guy was getting sexually excited as she approached the towel. The ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two Swedish guys see a brothel...

Two Swedish guys see a brothel and decide to knock on the door. Bouncer opens the door and asks...

Bouncer: What do you want?
Swedes: We would like to have some sexy time with the ladies in your fine establishment if you don't mind.
B: How much money do you have?
S: We have 20 euros....

Know any Swedish jokes?

I've heard they don't Finnish very well

Sven and Ole joke (do your best Swedish accent when reading their lines)

Sven and Ole both lost their jobs when the clothing manufacturer they worked at closed. At the unemployment office, Sven was asked what position he held at the factory, he replied “Ya, well I sew women’s underpants.” He was told to go to the next line to claim his unemployment check.

Ole was ...

A Swedish bartender is found to be the spitting image of Leonardo DiCaprio

As it turns out, they have the same amount of Oscars, too.

Have you heard the one about the failed Swedish car company?

I'd tell it to you, but nobody likes a Saab story.

Three Swedish men visited Copenhagen and decided to go to a Saloon...

They knocked on the door and the Madame opened. "What do you want?"
"We want to come in. We are Swedish."
"How much money are you willing to spend here?"
"We have altogether 250 crones."
"250 crones! For that price you can screw each other!"
After saying this the Madame slammed...

The other day a Swedish man called me a racist and a believer of stereotypes...

So Ikea'd his car.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you get when you cross a Swedish tennis pro, a computer virus, and an insatiable hunger for mort flesh?

Cyborg Bjorn Borg hosting smorgasbords at the morgue.

How do you catch a Swedish fish?

With a gummy worm as bait

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An older couple were exploring art museum...

...when they came across a painting that they didn't quite understand. It appeared to be three naked black men sitting on a bench, the one in the middle had a white penis. This made the couple ponder for a while.

What was the message? Was it a commentary on racism? Perhaps an insight into cla...

My dad just called a family meeting.

Me, mum, my two brothers, my sister and grandma hurried into the living room and gathered round an IKEA box laying on the floor.

"Dad, it's some flat pack furniture, what do you need the whole family for?" I asked.

"Well, it must be these strange Swedish customs", he replies, "It says...

A Saudi prince wants to buy a bull, so he goes to see a famous Russian bovine breeder.

The Russian tells him, "I have many good animal. Here is Swedish bull, is born black color, but color turns white when grows."

"Over there is American bull. Color when born is red, but become dark brown when full grown."

"And here, Turkish bull. They is born dark brown, but grow up to ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Brits

They drive a German Cars.

They go to Irish Pubs.

To drink Belgium beer.

They get a Chinese Takeaway on the way back.

They sit on Swedish furniture.

To watch American films.

On a Japanese TV.


Most of all though they are suspicious of all thi...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

These puns are Capital!

So I had a productive day at work coming up with these Capital City puns a year ago today. Thought they were too good not to share!

Why did the Geordie arrange a holiday to Romania?

To book a rest!

Bob Mortimer was speaking to his comedy partner's wife saying he wanted to take h...

So a pirate captain walked into my candy shop the other day...

And he asks me for a gumdrop. I say to him "Why would you want gum that's been dropped?"

"Sir," I say, "Wouldn't you rather have a candy fish?"

He says, "Candy fish? Is it sweet?"

And I say "Well... it's Swedish."

So now, the captain is so angry that he makes we walk the ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

OC

LONG

The eu is having a contest for least corrupt country. The praticipating countries are given a bar of gold to put in their capitol buildings. Last one to get stolen wins. First switzerland and sweden are nominated. The italian reprezentative is furrious and demands to be able to praticpat...

So I'm in Ikea....

...and I ask the salesperson, "Is this a finished desk?"
and she says, "No, it's Swedish."

(edited to make more better)

How to build a wall

If Trump ever needs help with the wall to Mexico he should ask the Swedish National Football Team, they did a pretty good job.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

You are never too old to learn something new

You are never too old to learn something new...

I LOVE YOU IN 10 LANGUAGES

English

I Love You

Spanish

Te Amo

French

Je T'aime

German

Ich Liebe Dich

Japanese

Ai Shite Imasu

Italian

Ti Amo

Chinese

...

What do you call...

What do you call a forum page about Swedish military aviation?

A saabreddit

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If Korean pop is K-Pop and Chinese rap is crap...

does that mean Swedish hits are shits?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Grandads new care home

I recently took my grandad to a care home for him to have a look around and maybe spend a night to see if he liked it.

When we arrived we were greeted by a truly stunning Swedish nurse who took my grandad to look around his room whilst I filled in some paperwork.

He told me she showed ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A group of bureaucrats from the EU are out on a chartered luxury liner through the Pacific.

A storm blows up, the cruiser starts to sink, and everyone abandons ship. By a quirk of fate, the only survivors are two men and one woman from each of the EU countries. They stagger onto the shore of a beautiful desert island. After three months, things have changed.

One Italian man has kill...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Ceasefire broken!

Once upon a time Sweden and Norway was at war, The war was getting pretty bad for both sides so they decided to have a ceasefire.

At the front line there were 2 watchtowers, 1 on each side of the border and there was one Norwegian and one Swedish solider on watch out duty on each side of th...

Underwear

Three couples were golfing, a Swedish couple, an Irish couple, and a Scottish couple. 

The Swede`s wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. 

'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivv...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The confession.

A guy goes in a confessional and tells the priest that last night he meet 4 swedish air hostesses down the pub, went back to their place, snorted coke, drank 20 year old scotch and had sex all night until the sun came up.


The priest says, "that's terrible my son, what kind of a catholic a...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Vacation in the alps

This is a translation/version of a joke from a Swedish movie. I take no credit in its creation.
A Swedish family of four is on vacation in the Austrian alps. The mother is in a gift-shop when her daughter bursts in.
>- Mom! Mom! Dad's in the hospital with a broken arm, a cracked rib and a b...