UPJOKE
europeathenseuropean unionmacedoniaalbaniaturkeybulgariacreteitalyasiaroman empireromaniaegyptfrancegreeks

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How the Germans bailed out Greece

It is a slow day in a little Greek Village. The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted.



Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.



On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the village, stops at the local hotel...

Some years ago a small rural town in Spain twinned with a similar town in Greece .

The Mayor of the Greek town visited the Spanish town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor he wondered how he could afford such a house.

The Spaniard said; "You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to build a two-lane bridge, but by building a single l...

On his first day at a resort in Greece, George and his wife went down to the beach.

Later when he went back to his room to get something to drink, he found the chambermaid making their bed. He grabbed his cooler and was on his way back out when he stopped at the door and asked, "Can we drink beer on the beach?"

"Sure." she replied. "Let me finish the rest of the rooms first....

Do you know why Germany will send their most unwanted prisoners to Greece?

Because whenever they send something to Greece, they'll never get it back.

A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court in Greece; but the custody of their children posed a problem.





The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his side of the story.

After a long moment of silence...

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What's the name of Greece's most famous porn star?

Testicles.

In Athens, Greece, a man takes a pair of trousers to a tailor.

The tailor takes the pants and holds them up. He turns to the man and says “Euripides?”

“Yes,” the man responds, “Eumenides?”"

Have you heard about the problem with wildfires in Greece?

Apparently you can’t extinguish a Greece fire with water.

What is the capital of Greece?

About $1.35 USD

Angela Merkel visits Greece

Angela Merkel visits Greece. On her way through customs she gets stopped by an officer

'Nationality?' He asks

'German' she replies

'Occupation?'

'No, just visiting'

They are making the next series of Walking Dead in Greece

It’s a total zombie Acropolis.

On a tiny island between Italy and Greece,

Maria and Nico were young, in love, and engaged to be married. On the night before they were to be wed, Maria’s mother sat her down to have “The Talk”. Knowing Nico’s Greek heritage, she counseled her daughter:

“Maria, mia bella figlia, if Nico ever asks you to turn over, you must say NO! Nic...

Greece has been suffering from wildfires this year so horrible they can be seen from space

Not surprising considering how hard it is to get a Greece fire under control.

If Russia invades Turkey from the rear...

Would Greece help?

Two Priests decided to go to Greece on vacation

They were determined to make this a real vacation
by not wearing anything that would identify them as Priests.

As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store
and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach...

How do you get rich in Ancient Greece? Well, step one, become an oracle. Step two:

Prophet.

The geography of a woman as she ages: (from a friend)

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa .
Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe.
Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain.
Very hot, re...

What's the capital of Greece?

About 5 euros.

At a Diplomats' dinner, a waiter tripped

and shattered the beautiful plate in which he was carrying a large turkey.
Hushed silence turned into a roar of laughter, when
the quick-witted Diplomat announced:

"Ladies and Gentlemen!
You have just witnessed 4 major international events happening :-
Fall of Turkey
Breakup of...

Why do people in Athens have a difficult time waking up?

Because Dawn is tough on Greece.

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Do you consider yourself a smart man?

In Ancient Greece, they believed that large penises were symbols of barbarism and idiocy, and small penises were symbols of intelligence and prowess.

See, my wife thinks I’m a massive idiot, but I’m sure you’re a very smart man

Did you know that the first french fry wasn't cooked in France?

It was cooked in Greece.

The firefighters in Greece are making the fire worse.

You aren't supposed to use water on Greece fires.

Did you know the Bible forbids sunbathing in Greece?

That means it is a sin to go to Cos and get a tan.

A Guy Walks Into A Tailor In Ancient Greece

He tosses a toga onto the counter. The tailor picks it up, turns it over and finds a gash across the waist.

The tailor looks up at the man and says, "Euripides?"

The man nods and says, "Yeah. Eumenides?"

Why doesn’t Greece have executions with guns anymore?

Because bullets cost money.

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Beauty is just a matter of timing: In 1970s America I would’ve been ridiculed for having a hairless chest. In ancient Greece I would’ve been laughed at for having a big penis.

Still waiting for that bald future all those fucking sci-fi movies promised me.

What is this the difference between America and Greece?

15 years.

The Netherlands VS Greece (First impression )

So I moved to Netherlands some years ago and I'd like to share with you my experiences. Feel free to give me feedback in what you think.



So when I first grounded here, first think I did, I googled a super market and went to buy some cigarettes ( DO NOT SMOKE HERE, IT COSTS LIKE 10 EUR...

Have you heard about the South African man who went to Greece and would only eat cheese?

He got Feta and Feta and Feta.

I saw a 2000 year old oil stain.

It was from ancient Greece.

The other day someone asked me what the capital of greece was....

My answer of "i dont know, about ten dollars?" was not acceptable.

What's the capital of Greece? (x-post from /r/MeanJokes)

About €10.

DISCLAIMER: I heard this joke from /u/r4e3d2d2i8t5. All due credit to that person.

With terrorists in Iran, Turkey helping fund ISIS, and Greece in economic shambles I must ask.

If Iran attacked Turkey from the rear do you think Greece would help?

Robbing a bank in Greece is like raiding a food warehouse in Uganda.

You look stupid and you get nothing out of it.

How do you separate the men from the boys in Greece?

With a crowbar.

You're probably Ghana think"no one will Bolivia. There's just Norway."

I thought I Kuwait but then I Saudi Turkey, Iraq of ribs and a Canada best sauce and my Bahrain was like Oman, I Israel Hungary... so Iran to the kitchen to put Greece in the pan.

I hoped it could get Finnish quickly and because I was Russian, I didn't Czech the label and accidentally added ...

So there was this forest fire in Greece recently.

I guess you can also call it a Greece fire.

There are many marbleous statues in Greece

...but sadly many people take them for granite.

Angela Merkel visits Greece

Angela Merkel goes on holiday to Greece.

She reaches customs.

Officer: Name?

Merkel: Angela Merkel

Officer: Nationality?

Merkel: Deutsche

Officer: Occupation?

Merkel: Nein, not zis time, just for ze holidays

Living in Greece..

Living in "Greece " now is like being a Sanitary Napkin.

You're in the most beautiful place but in a bad period..!!

I was Hungary so Iran to the store to get some Turkey

Which I cooked in Greece, and served with a side of Chile, which I ate with my friends Jordan and Chad. Sudanly we had Togo because we were Ghana get in trouble because we didn’t Finnish paying. But I’ve Benin trouble before, there was Norway they were going to catch me, I Congo much faster than the...

What does Dwight Schrute have in common with Greece

A bunch of dead beets.

Why was a Turkish plane trying to bomb Greece?

It was on otto pilot.

I met Greece's finance minister, who was looking for help regarding the situation there.

He asked me for my two cents.

I found out my vacation to Greece is tax deductible

Apparently it falls under charity work

The German chancellor is traveling to greece

She arrives at immigration and the immigration officer says "nationality?"
The chancelor says "German"
Officer: occupation?
Chancelor: no not this time.

Going to Greece on holiday

So I was planning on going to Greece on holiday this summer, I call the hotel to make a reservation, the guy says it's a nice hotel, close to the beach, a nice swimming pool and that it's going to be 3000 Euros. I tell them that's a bit too much for my budget and they said I can rent it for 60 Euros...

What did Zeus use to make the best fries ever?

Ancient Greece

I wonder if, in Ancient Greece,

Lighting strikes were considered an "Act of God" by insurance companies.

Why didn't Greece vote for Tyrion?

Because a Lannister always pays his debts.

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What three countries did the giant eat?

Got turkey, dipped it in Greece and fried it in Japan.

I don't know what I would do if I got to Greece...

...and couldn't get a single gyro.

Bonnie Tyler is performing a concert in Greece next month.

She'll be singing her classic. I need a Euro.

Nation dialogue

You know, I was very Hungary one day, so I went to go Czech the fridge. I managed to find some Turkey that was leftover from Thanksgiving, but it was all covered in Greece. So I closed the fridge and Czech'd the pantry. I saw a Canada beans, so I grabbed them and microwaved them, but it exploded. My...

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My wife told me: Sex is better on holiday.

I wasn't expecting that on the postcard she sent me from Greece.

Saw some videos about the fires burning near Athens.

Apparently nobody told the firefighters that you can't use water to put out a Greece fire.

How did the Mediterranean man stop the hinge from squeaking?

He used a little Greece.

I just watched the news on Evia Island.

Now I have finally realized how dangerous a Greece fire is.

Why wasn't there any McDonald's in the Roman Empire

There was too much Greece

Triple Filter

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was well known for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who said excitedly: "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything I'd like y...

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A Greek, A German and An Italian get stranded after a plane crash.

They wander for days until finally they see something in the distance. They approach and are found by some local tribesmen and are accused of trespassing their village. Immediately they are led in front of the local leader:

"I am in a good mood so I will let you go if you participate in a sma...

I became a naval cook because I wanted to see the world!

But so far, I’ve only seen China, Turkey and Greece.

Have you heard the movie that they’re making about fast food?

It’s getting filmed in Greece.

Why did Rome Fall?

Because it slipped on some Greece.

An Englishman, a Russian and a Greek guy are on the same flight, sitting next to eachother

When they are flying over England, the Englishman says, "England is the best country, check out how well they handle this." he drops a sword out of the window.

When they are flying over Russia, the Russian says, "Mother Russia is the best country, look how efficiently we deal with this." he ...

Netherlands work ( personal experience )

So, English is not my first language, it's my third. I moved to Netherlands some time ago and I got my first job. Apparently people here are nice? And they also pay their taxes? Did you guys know that? Anyway, the manager of the factory I worked in approached me to say ''hello'' and introduce himsel...

Why don’t Macedonians like pizza?

Too much Greece.

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