UPJOKE
englandparisbirminghamunited kingdomriver thamesbrightonleedstrafalgar squaretower of londonmanchestergreenwichroman empireamsterdammelbournewhitehall

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A London lawyer runs a stop sign..

And gets pulled over by an Irish cop. This hotshot sure knows he's better educated and definitely smarter than some random Irish cop. He decides to prove to himself how smart he is while having some fun at the cop.

Irish cop:"License and registration, please."

"What for?", lawyer asks....

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A story is told of a Londoner, a Jewish man who was riding on the London Underground reading an Arab newspaper.

A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same underground car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached the newspaper reader. "Moishe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?"

Moishe replied, "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what di...

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A Russian lady married an English gentleman and they lived in London .

She was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked l...

My American girlfriend recently had a knee transplant here in London

which is ironic as her name is Britney

Maybe Jesus didn't like your chocolate?

So aliens come to earth and they're Sooo nice. There's a huge televised event with all the world leaders in attendance.

The Pope asks, "Do you know of Jesus Christ?"

The aliens say, "Do we Ever? Awesome guy!! Swings by the planet every couple of years to say Hi!"

The Pope excla...

An Irish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.”

“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

The son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “...

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An retired elderly couple visit London..

They get picked up from the airport in a london black cab and head off into the city for some adventure.

The cab driver say "where you from guvnor?"

Husband. "we're from South Africa"..

The wife is a little hard of hearing asks her husband.

"What did he say?"

The ...

An American dropped into a pub in London for a drink and found it completely full of Brits.

An American dropped into a pub in London for a drink and found it completely full of Brits. After a few minutes, he saw a table for two with one middle-aged gentleman sitting at it. He walked over to the table and asked if he could sit down. The Brit replied, "Certainly. Please do."

The Ameri...

My wife told me she was going to London and asked if I wanted a gift.

I replied: I would like a British girl.

She returned a month later and I asked her where my gift was.

She told me to wait nine months.

2 Germans in a bar in London

- 2 Martinis, please.

- Dry?

- NEIN! ZWEI!

[not OC]

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, “Hey Senor, I would like the world’s best beer, a Corona.” The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, “I’d like the best beer in the world, give me ‘The King Of Beers’, a Budweiser.” The bartender g...

An Irishman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his cell phone.

He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs, "That's about average up our way, folks...like I said - my boy's a typical Irish...

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My 13 year old son was victim of a stabbing in North London.

Cradling his head on the cold, wet pavement I heard him mumble,
"I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die. Get me a priest,"
"A priest?" I said. "We're not Catholic."
"No," he cried. "But I don't want to die a virgin."

"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "

I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's.... The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your ...

I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.

Poor guy, why are they doing this to him?

A‌‌n America‌‌n soldier‌‌, servin‌‌g i‌‌n Worl‌‌d Wa‌‌r I‌‌I ha‌‌d jus‌‌t returne‌‌d fro‌‌m severa‌‌l week‌‌s o‌‌f battl‌‌e o‌‌n th‌‌e Germa‌‌n fron‌‌t lines.

Th‌‌e soldie‌‌r ha‌‌d bee‌‌n grante‌‌d res‌‌t an‌‌d relaxatio‌‌n an‌‌d wa‌‌s o‌‌n ‌‌a trai‌‌n tha‌‌t wa‌‌s boun‌‌d fo‌‌r London.

Th‌‌e trai‌‌n wa‌‌s ver‌‌y crowded‌‌, s‌‌o th‌‌e soldie‌‌r walke‌‌d th‌‌e lengt‌‌h o‌‌f th‌‌e trai‌‌n i‌‌n hope‌‌s o‌‌f findin‌‌g a‌‌n empt‌‌y seat.

Th‌‌e on...

two german spies are in a pub in London during ww2...

they sit at the bar and one of them tells bartender they want martini. the bartender asks "dry?" to which one of the spies reply by saying "nicht drei, ZWEI!"

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A Londoner, a Parisian and a New Yorker get captured by cannibals…

The cannibals are pretty pissed off because these guys have just wandered into their territory without asking permission. So the cannibals tell them, “We’re going to kill you, we’re going to eat you, and we’re going to make a canoe out of your skins. But just because we’re in a good mood today will...

I went to London the other day and was mugged in broad daylight at the train station.

Naturally I burst into tears, and then a policeman came up to me and said, “I’m fining you £10.”

“For crying out loud!” I exclaimed.

“Exactly,” he replied.

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Next to me in the pub there was a Londoner. He had a strong cockney accent.

This guy's date went to the toilet and he pulled out a crossword book.

Frowning, he turned to me, with pencil in hand.

"Six letters, buddy. *Contributes to a result*..." he said. "I want to get this one before my bird comes back."

I said, "*Factor*?"

He said, "Nah, not ye...

A guy called British Airways before his flight from London to Paris: “Hi, I have a question. Can I fly to France using my drivers license?”

“No”, said the woman. “You need a plane”

I've decided that COVID isn't going to stop me running the London marathon in 2022.

It'll be unfitness and apathy, same as usual.

I was in London last summer

I was in London last summer, and I got food poisoning. I lost 6 kilograms. See a lot of Americans don't understand that because it's metric. But I did the math, and 6 kilograms is over $720,000 in cocaine.

Aside from King Crimson, did any other seminal progressive rock bands form in London in 1968?

Yes

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Dear readers, this Christmas day, one in five children in London will not have a gift from Santa!!

one in five children in London will not have a christmas tree at home.

one in five children in London will not have a christmas dinner with their family.



This is not an advertisement for Red cross or Salvation Army, one in five children born in London are Muslims and they dont ...

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family....

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."
"O...

I taught my pet dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground today

He went from Barking to Tooting in about 15 minutes

The Queen takes the visiting Pope for a ride in a horse carriage through London.

Suddenly one of the horses farts very loudly.

“Oh my goodness, I am so terribly sorry!” apologizes the embarrassed Queen.

“Oh don't worry about it" the Pope replied "If you hadn't said anything, I'd have just thought it was one of the horses!"

I think I've discovered the headstone of the world's oldest man!

Apparently he lives to 194, and was called Miles - from London!

Two Londoners went to the sperm bank.

A total waste of time. One of them came on the bus, the other one missed the tube!

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A British man and an Australian man are walking thru London

They see a sign that reads 'one man, one vote'
The Australian says 'I don't understand'
The British guy says 'one man, one vote'
Australian 'yeah, I don't understand'
British guy 'one man has one vote'
Australian 'I don't get it'
British 'one fucking man, one fucking vote'
Austr...

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A Muslim hailed a London cab.

He asked the cab driver to turn off the radio because as decreed by his religious teaching he must not listen to music because in the time of the prophet there was no Western style music or radios. The cab driver turned off the radio, stopped the cab and opened the door. The Muslim asked him "What a...

A shifty looking guy in a kilt walks into a London pub

He orders a pint and very very carefully puts down the plastic bag he is carrying.

The bartender asks "What's that?"

The guy answers "6 pounds of explosives"

"Thank Christ for that" says the barman, "I thought it might be bagpipes."

Two Beggars in London. (NSFW)

Two beggars in London

Ali and Habib are beggars.
They beg in different areas of London ...

Habib begs just as long as Ali does, but only collects £2 to £3 every day.

Ali brings home a suitcase FULL of £10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot ...

How is a werewolf from London unique?

They like to eat Chinese food.

A man walked by a restaurant in London

He noticed all the customers drinking tea in saucers.

He asked one of them as to why he was drinking tea in a saucer.

With tears in his eyes, he replied, “The Italians have taken away our cup"

Two Germans walk into a London pub

Two Germans walk into a London pub

-2 Martinis please.

-Dry?

-Nein! ZWEI!

Murphy in London

Murphy found himself in the London underground subway station, at four o’clock in the morning. He walked along to the escalator, on the escalator it is written, “Dogs must be carried on the escalator.” he thought, “God, where am I going to find a dog at this hour of the night?”

I met my girlfriend whilst visiting the London Zoo.

Straight away I knew she was a keeper.

While visiting London an American.....

While visiting London an American entered a Vietnamese soup restaurant and proceeded directly to the counter to place an order.  A line of customers off to the side began groaning and mumbling.  A man at the front pointed to the back of the line and angrily said "Pho Queue!"

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A Laotian businessman opened a small shop in London.

He was very quiet and diligent with his bookkeeping. He always made sure to help out his employees when he could, typically hiring other Laotian immigrants in the area who were struggling to find work.

Among these employees was a group of three friends from Surrey. Although they were rowdy an...

old soviet joke (I believe it was created after Czechoslovakia uprising)

So John, Pierre and Ivan are having few drinks. Guys start talking cars. Pierre brags a bit - "Well, in Paris I drive my Citroen, but to countryside I take Peugeot. Of course, for longer trips to Europe my wife insists on Renault - its so much more spacious". "Well, that's nothing, in London I drive...

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Female flight

A man boards a flight from london to chicago. before they are due to leave, a voice comes over the intercom and says, on behalf of captain natalie, we hope you enjoy the flight!.

Well, the man isn't best impressed, and once in the air he calls the crew over.



he asks, " Is it t...

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Two Americans named George and Ted were vacationing in London one day. While Ted was using the bathroom at a restaurant, George saw two familiar-looking men enter the restaurant.

"Where have I seen you before?" asked George.

"You may have read our stories," replied one of the two men. "I'm Dr. John Watson, and this is my roommate, Sherlock Holmes, who is absolutely perfect at logic."

"Logic?" asked George. "What's that?"

"Tell me something about yourself...

A man boards a flight from London to LA.

Midway in the flight, there is a bit of a turbulence and then an announcement.


"This is your captain speaking. We have a bit of bad news. During the turbulence we experienced, one of our engines have failed. But there is nothing to worry about, the plane still has three engines function...

Nelson was 5ft 4". His statue on top of the column in London is 18ft.

Thats Horatio of about 3:1

This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic.

If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire. If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off. If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little ...

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A young Geordie lad.

A young Geordie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?"
The young man answered "Aye, hods, I was a canny salesman back in Newcastle." The manager liked the Geordie so he gave him the job.
His first day on the job was ch...

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A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport for New York

A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport for New York, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.
"Hello", he blurted out, "Busine...

A member of the family in a London medical college was appointed an honorary physician to the king.

He proudly wrote a notice on the blackboard in his class-room room : " Professor Jennings informs his students that he has been appointed honorary physician to His Majesty, King George."
When he returned to the class-room in the afternoon he found written below his notice this line :

" God...

A dog goes in to the telegram office

A dog goes in to the telegram office, says "I'd like to send a telegram to London. Here's a card with the recipient's details. I'd like the telegram to say:

"Woof woof woof woof woof woof woof."

The attendant says, "No worries good sir. Just so you know, we charge by the word and we a...

Why was the blonde disappointed with her trip to London?

She found out Big Ben was only a clock.

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A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. (NSFW)

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

He asks, “What are you doing?”

She answers, “I’m moving to London. I heard prostitutes there get paid £400 for doing what I do for you for free.”

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom ...

Selfridges in London are so kind. They warn their customers about the dangers of consumerism.

Outside a big door at the back there’s a sign saying "Goods Entrance".

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One evening on the outskirts of London

a millionaire Englishman was walking with his dog when suddenly a Pakistani came out of the bushes and fired three shots and killed his dog.

Surprised and shocked, the Englishman said: "Why did you do that ?"

Pakistani: *"Your wife gave me 5000 Euros and said Kill the son of a bitch"*...

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An American tourist to London find himself in the East End

It's a hot day, and he's thirsty so he stops into a pub for a refreshment.

He walks to the bar and asks, "Can I get a Budweiser please."

The barman looks him up and down and gruffly says, "You're American, right?"

The tourist chortles, "How can you tell? Is it my order, or the a...

A man crossing London Bridge sees a pretty woman struggling to keep her mini skirt down in the wind so he says : A bit airy isn't it?

She replied: What the ell you expect feathers?

Thanks to COVID-19, this is the first year I've not been able to run the London Marathon owing to lockdown.

Every other year it's been because I'm overweight, can't run, and am too lazy to even try.

I traveled to London this year to take part in Europe's largest chess tournament and was destroyed in the first round by this European guy with an odd accent. I waited until the end of the game to ask him about where he was from and what kind of accent he had...

He responded: "Czech, mate!"

Two Irishmen were walking down a street in London.

Paddy turns to Murphy with a look of amazement on his face and says: "Murphy, will you look at that shop over there. I thought that London was supposed to be expensive!"

Murphy says: "Paddy you're right so you are. Suits £10, Shirts £4, Trousers £5, I think that we should buy the lot and take...

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A nurse in a mental institution goes to check on Charlie, one of the inmates and finds him sitting up in bed, pretending to drive a car. She asks, "Are you okay Charlie?" Charlie replies, "I can't talk right now! I'm busy driving to London for a meeting!"

So the nurse closes the door and goes to check on Bob in the next room.

She finds Bob sitting up in his bed, wanking furiously.

"Bob, what are you doing?!" asks the nurse.

Bob grunts, "I'm fucking Charlie's wife! He's gone to London for a meeting!"

I was reading on the BBC about a plan to reintroduce beavers to London.

I'm all for it....I do prefer a bit of grass on the pitch personally.

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A man is at a bar in London around 1985, having a drink with a girl.

He really wants to impress her. He looks over to another table and sees none other than Freddie Mercury!

“Oh my god!” Says his date, “I love him! Let’s get an autograph!”

“Nah”, the man replied, “he’s a bit of a knob”

“You know him?” his date asked incredulously

“Oh, yea...

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are stranded on a desert island. One day, the Englishman finds a genie in a lamp who grants him three wishes. Because the Englishman is such a nice fellow, he asks the genie if he can share the three wishes...

The genie agrees and heads over to the other men, explaining the situation.

"Alright, Mr. Englishman, you get one wish", declares the genie.

"I miss the bustling streets of London, I wish to be sent back to England".

"Your deed is done", says the genie, who then teleports the ...

An egoistic tourist goes on a tour of London.

Walking past an enormous building, he boasts "We have buildings 4 times the size of that where I'm from."

The tour guide replies "I'm not surprised. That's a lunatic asylum."

Air Postal Service

A man sets down three pieces of luggage at a very famous **International Airlines** (*that shall not be named*) check-in counter and says, "I want the brown bag to go to London, the black one to go to Paris," he said. "And keep the third bag here till my return from Australia next week for pick up."...

"Knock knock"

"Who's there?"

"Ah"

"Ah who?"

"Werewolves in London"

Salesman John

John was appointed as sales person at a local store in London.

While on one of his shifts, a lady approached him and asked if they had 'Peach Jam' to which he bluntly replied, "Out of stock."

At this, the lady immediately turned to leave the shop in disgruntlement.

It was then t...

I read a joke about an alternate ending to Peter Pan where Captain Hook wins the duel and sends Peter Pan back to London in a body bag.

Not very funny and quite dark, but it requires a dead Pan delivery

A Londoner told his flatmate he's moving out...

"where you going then?" he asked as they shook hands.

"North, I'm going to Scotland!"

"Buy why? It's cold and barren up there."

"Yes, but I read in the news that everyone's gettin' free pads up there!"

After a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude….

After a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:

“Ladies and Gentleman, this is your Captain. Welcome to flight 293 non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto. The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight, so sit back, relax and...

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2 guys are on a flight from London to Tokyo...

It’s about half way through their flight and the 2 guys hear a bang from outside the plane.

The pilot: Sorry folks, one of our engines has gone out, we still have 3 engines left so all is good, we just have to fly a little slower now so the flight will be half an hour longer.

*10 minut...

My uncle is a bus driver that circles Big Ben in London ...

he works around the clock.

Architects call a layer of bricks a wythe. After the Great Fire of London, where thousands of wooden buildings were destroyed, King Henry VIII passed a law that the walls of all new buildings must be made of at least six layers of brick.

This is known as the six wythes of Henry the Eighth.

An American working in London visits a rural pub in the west country

There are three farmers sitting at a table and he can't help but overhear their discussion.

"I reckons its like TrrrrrrrrrUUUUUUUMMMP!" says the first farmer ending the sound with a triumphant squeaking crescendo

"No no, it's more like Trrrrrruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuoooooomp" responds the ...

American Tourist

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of beer.

After awhile, he finds himself in a very hi...

Driving in France

I was driving from London to Paris and got off the ferry at Calais.

I got onto the D901, when my wife called me saying "careful dear, they are saying on the news that there is a lunatic driving on the wrong side of the road."

I said "the news is wrong honey. There are hundreds of these...

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An English couple went to New York and hired a cab

The cab driver had a broad Southern accent

Cabbie: "whhhherre are Yaaah
Frumm?"

Wife: "what is he sayin?"
Husband: "asking where we from"

Husband to cabbie: "London"

Cabbie:" whereeee inn Londonn?"

Wife:"what is he sayin?"
Husband to wife: "asking where f...

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Heard on the Underground

A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers...
1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cro...

A Texan is in London, and looking for Razor blades

“Y’all got any American razor blades in here ?” the Texan asked the English pharmacist.

“All I see are these stupid Wilkinsons.” 

“Sir,” the pharmacist patiently replied, “Wilkinson has been producing the finest surgical instruments, weapons and razors since before Waterloo.” 

...

I've written a musical about a band of London pick-pockets set in modern times...

It's basically Oliver! with a twist.

London Zoo has put all it's animals into lockdown during the pandemic. There's only one dog on display.

It's a shih tzu.

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A tired american soldier is on a train to london

The train was packed. He went searching for a seat as he came by a middle aged woman and her dog. He asked her "may I please have that seat", the woman replied "you Americans are so rude, cant you see my little Fifi is sitting here". The soldier walks the length of the train and back to cross the wo...

A guy walks into a prison

He gets off the bus and he meets this big brute infringe of him. The brute says
“What’s your crime and where are you from?”
The guy responds :
“Well I’m from Bradford, and I commuted arsine, but why? What do you need that for?”
The brute says: “well we all have nicknames, made from our c...

Two old friends recollect their life memories

One says: “I’m happy, I’ve spent my life joyfully, I have a loving family, I’ve traveled the world…”

The other one says: “Travel! Ahhh, where haven’t I all been to through these years… London, Paris, Moscow… and I haven’t been to New York either.”

Dave and the barber

So this guy Dave is in getting a haircut. He tells the barber, “I’m going on a three week vacation to Europe.”

“No, you’re not.”

“Yes, I am.”

“No, you’re not.”

“Yes, I am.”

“No, you’re not.”

“Yes, I am.”

“You’re going to hate it. Everything is so comp...

insert title here

The men were smiling next to each other at Murphy’s pub in London
after a while, one bloke looks at the other and says,

“I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you’re from Ireland”.

The other bloke responds proudly. “Yes, that I am!”

The first one says, <...

A tourist on the London Underground asked me how to get to Heathrow via Barking.

So I pointed at a map and woofed...

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A German guy called Helmut approaches a lady of the night in London.

“I vish to buy sex viz you."

"Okay," says the girl, "I charge £50 an hour."

"Ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky."

"No problem," she replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky for an extra £10."

Helmut agrees

So off they go the girl's flat, where t...

For those unaware, Big Ben is undergoing renovations in London; it's no easy task

They're having to work around the clock to make it happen.

An old lady in London...(a true story)

Around a week ago I was waiting in queue behind an old lady at KFC. She placed her order, paid in cash, and all was well until she received one of those new plastic £5 notes as change from the cashier.

She vocally expressed her dislike about the presence of animal products in the new £5 bills...

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[Long] Two Pakistani politicians Sharif and Shahbaz moved to London where they made friends with a English guy named Paul.

They used to go all over London with him when suddenly one day ...
Paul disappeared.

The two went to the police and lodged a complaint.

The police asked them if they could give some vital clues about Paul that would help find him.

Shahbaz said, "Paul was handsome and tall."...

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As I'm roaming in London, a British man walks up to me and says: Hey, you're an Indian, tell me why do you put that dot above the eyes?

I sighed a bit and replied: It's stupid, isn't it? Well, it's called a "tittle" and it's one of those idiosyncrasies of the English language that I could never understand.

There was once a tailor in London renowned for his expertise and craftsmanship.

One day, a very rich, very round man entered his store carrying a heavy bag. The man immediately approached the counter and, much to the surprise of the tailor, dumped out the contents of the bag, which turned out to be a pile of expensive Rolex watches.

“Good sir, I would like to have a suit...

As I stood before the airline ticket agent, I said "I want to buy a ticket to London. But I want one bag to go to Tokyo and the other to Moscow."

"Sir, we can't do that," the ticket agent exclaimed.

"Why not?" I asked. "You did it to me last time I flew with you."

What do you call two Palestinian men courting each other in 1930's London?

A Palestinian mandate

Expensive Perfume

So, big Moira, from Glasgow, is on a weekend trip to London.

She is in an elevator in a Harrods, when two young and beautiful women get into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume.

Big Moira remarks, "My, what nice aromas!"

One of the women turns, looks Moira up and down...

What do you call London without electricity?

Londoff

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Two friends from Australia were on a flight from Sydney to London

An hour into their flight the pilot makes an announcement:

Pilot: ladies and gentlemen I must inform you that one of our four engines have failed. Not to worry though, the plane can fly fine with three engines, it just means a half hour delay to our arrival time, our sincere apologise.
...

A tourist in London was throwing bread to some ducks in a pond...

when a local woman approached him looking rather upset. She asked him how he could throw bread in the water for ducks when there were starving children in Africa? Wasn't it obvious that they could use that bread more than the ducks?

The man stood there for a short moment and responded to the ...

The US ambassador was meeting the North Korea ambassador.

During the meeting, wanting to impress the Korean, the American ambassador started boasting.

"Last week, I was in London. I met the Olympic 1000 metres gold medallist.

The previous week, I was in Brussels. I met the world's leading mathematician.

The week before, I was in Paris....

How do shellfish get around London?

With an Oyster Card!

A man who had worked for British Rail in a small village for many years decided it was time to move up in the world... [long]

Walter had been a track-switcher on the railway line that ran past his tiny English village for most of his life. All day long he sat in his little hut and switched the points as trains approached.

One day he got it into his head that it was time to move up in the world, so he wrote to Britis...

A Scotsman, carrying a huge suitcase, has been riding a London bus for five miles along its route, all the while attempting to avoid the ticket collector. Finally, the conductor manages to corner him and tells him to pay up.

"You've been on for five miles--that'll be 50p, please, and 10p for your suitcase." The Scotsman responds, "I ha'not, I want a ha'penny fare, just got on this vera moment."

They begin to argue, and the ticket collector becomes more and more enraged, and finally, as the bus is passing over Lon...

An English woman finds out her husband is cheating on her

She is distraught, fueled by anger - so much so that she decides the only course of action is to have him killed. In her grief, she contacts and old friend who works amongst the criminal underbelly of London. He recommends she seek out a specific hitman, known in the business as Big Artie. He is eff...

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Prince Harry had his Bachelor Party last night in London and here is his "Quote of the Day" from that memorable event:

"It's really weird stuffing money into a stripper's G string when every bill has a photo of your grandmother printed on it."

A Swedish man was walking through London

A Swedish man was walking through London when he stopped a pedestrian.

"I'm sorry to bother you, sir, but I was wondering if you could answer a question about your language?"

"Why not?" The Englishman responded. "Go ahead."

"You see," the Swedish man said, "I'm a bit confused ab...

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Shortly after the Revolutionary War, the American war hero Ethan Allen was in London for some business.

His hosts were very patriotic Englishmen, so there was inevitably some tension between them. One day, they acquired a portrait of George Washington and hung it in their outhouse, so that you could only see it when you were seated and the door was closed.

After Ethan came in from using it late...

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