UPJOKE
city of londonenglandparisgreater londonbirminghamunited kingdomriver thamesbrightonleedstrafalgar squarebloomsburytower of londonmanchestergreenwichroman empire

London Jokes

An Irishman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his cell phone.

He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs, "That's about average up our way, folks...like I said - my boy's a typical Irish...

A blonde's office computer had technical issues

IT support came over to the desk and said he needed password to access her account.

"It's 'MickeyMinnieBatmanSupergirlWonderwomanLondon'" she replied.

"A bit unusual for a password, how did you come up with it?" the support dude asked.

She went "Because computer said the passwor...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A London lawyer runs a stop sign..

And gets pulled over by an Irish cop. This hotshot sure knows he's better educated and definitely smarter than some random Irish cop. He decides to prove to himself how smart he is while having some fun at the cop.

Irish cop:"License and registration, please."

"What for?", lawyer asks....

Two Irishmen were walking down a street in London.

Paddy turns to Murphy with a look of amazement on his face and says: "Murphy, will you look at that shop over there. I thought that London was supposed to be expensive!"

Murphy says: "Paddy you're right so you are. Suits £10, Shirts £4, Trousers £5, I think that we should buy the lot and take...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Apparently someone in London is stabbed every 58 seconds.

Poor bastard.

An Irish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.”

“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

The son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “...

A disheveled man is busking on the side of the street in London with a sign that says “Falklands War Veteran”

A well-dressed man notices this and feels bad, having himself been a veteran of the British Army. He pities the busker and tells him, “It must be a pity to serve your country and then come home to this. I served in the army, in fact, so I know what it’s like. Maybe this will help you out.” He then g...

An old lady in London...(a true story)

Around a week ago I was waiting in queue behind an old lady at KFC. She placed her order, paid in cash, and all was well until she received one of those new plastic £5 notes as change from the cashier.

She vocally expressed her dislike about the presence of animal products in the new £5 bills...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A story is told of a Londoner, a Jewish man who was riding on the London Underground reading an Arab newspaper.

A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same underground car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached the newspaper reader. "Moishe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?"

Moishe replied, "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what di...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is sitting on a flight from NYC to London

He feels a little cold, so he asks the cabin attendant for a blanket. The cabin crew completely ignores him. On the seat next to him is no other than a parrot. The parrot screams "get me a scotch on the rocks you stupid cunt". Not a moment passes and the parrot gets a nice glass of whiskey. The man ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

London lawyer

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Irish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Irish cop's expense!
...

Dr. Samuel Johnson, author of the first great dictionary of English language, was visited by a delegation of respectable ladies of London.

“Dr Johnson,” they said, “we congratulate you for omitting all indecent or obscene words from your dictionary.”

“Ladies,” said Dr. Johnson, “I congratulate you for looking them up.”

An Australian was in London admiring suits displayed in a shop window...

To nobody in particular he said, "Ahh, there's the one I'd get!"

A split second later, a three foot tall cyclops ran up and punched him in the nuts.

Two Beggars in London. (NSFW)

Two beggars in London

Ali and Habib are beggars.
They beg in different areas of London ...

Habib begs just as long as Ali does, but only collects £2 to £3 every day.

Ali brings home a suitcase FULL of £10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot ...

Two Londoners went to the sperm bank.

A total waste of time. One of them came on the bus, the other one missed the tube!

On this day in 1605 Guy Fawkes began his journey to London

It would take him several days because his legs were made of old tights stuffed with newspapers.

Mr Singh walks into a bank London and asks for the loan officer.

He says he's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow £5000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so Mr Singh hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce, which costs quarter of a million pounds.

“The car is parked on the street in fro...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young Geordie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?" The young man answered "Aye, I was a canny salesman back in Newcastle."

The manager liked the Geordie so he gave him the job. His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK,...... so how many sales did you make today?" The Geordie said "Just the one like" The manager groaned an...

Some poor children in Victorian London were listening to Christmas songs

They heard that Santa Claus gives coal to children who aren´t on his nice list, and so they commit as many petty crimes as possible to be on his naughty list so as to not die of hypothermia.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Londoner, a Parisian and a New Yorker get captured by cannibals…

The cannibals are pretty pissed off because these guys have just wandered into their territory without asking permission. So the cannibals tell them, “We’re going to kill you, we’re going to eat you, and we’re going to make a canoe out of your skins. But just because we’re in a good mood today will...

2 Germans in a bar in London:

\- 2 Martinis, please.

\- Dry?

\- NEIN! ZWEI!

Two men were sitting next to each other at Murphy’s Pub in London.

After awhile, one bloke looks at the other and says, ‘I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you’re from Ireland’

The other bloke responds proudly, ‘Yes, that I am!’

The first one says, ‘So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?’

The other bloke answers,...

A Scotsman moves to London

“How’s the flat you’re living in in London, Jock?” asks his mother when he calls home to Aberdeen.

“It’s okay,” he replies, “but the woman next door keeps screaming and crying all night and the guy on the other side keeps banging his head on the wall.”

“Never you mind,” says his mother...

Murphy in London

Murphy found himself in the London underground subway station, at four o’clock in the morning. He walked along to the escalator, on the escalator it is written, “Dogs must be carried on the escalator.” he thought, “God, where am I going to find a dog at this hour of the night?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Laotian businessman opened a small store in London.

He was very quiet and diligent with his bookkeeping. He always made sure to help out his employees when he could, typically hiring other Laotians in the area who were struggling to find work.

Among these employees was a group of three friends from Surrey. Although they were a bit rowdy and so...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My 13 year old son was victim of a stabbing in North London.

Cradling his head on the cold, wet pavement I heard him mumble,
"I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die. Get me a priest,"
"A priest?" I said. "We're not Catholic."
"No," he cried. "But I don't want to die a virgin."

An American after staying in London for a month asked a local " Why do British eat like German planes are still flying overhead" ?

The briton replied " why do Americans eat like they have free healthcare" ?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My cousin is gay, he went to London only to find out that

Big Ben was a clock.

Why does the river Thames run through London?

If it walked, it'd get stabbed.

A man walked by a restaurant in London

He noticed all the customers drinking tea in saucers.

He asked one of them as to why he was drinking tea in a saucer.

With tears in his eyes, he replied, “The Italians have taken away our cup"

Why did the siamese twins go to London?

So that the other one can drive as well.

Two Germans walk into a London pub

Two Germans walk into a London pub

-2 Martinis please.

-Dry?

-Nein! ZWEI!

I was asked to run today's London marathon.

I said I'm flattered but I don't believe I could organise such a big event.

What’s the most common destination of London Buses?

NottinService

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An retired elderly couple visit London..

They get picked up from the airport in a london black cab and head off into the city for some adventure.

The cab driver say "where you from guvnor?"

Husband. "we're from South Africa"..

The wife is a little hard of hearing asks her husband.

"What did he say?"

The ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man went to Harley Street in London having seen an advertisement for a Gynaecologist's Assistant.

Naturally interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.


The clerk pulled up the file and read: The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynaecologist.


You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regio...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Muslim hailed a London cab.

He asked the cab driver to turn off the radio because as decreed by his religious teaching he must not listen to music because in the time of the prophet there was no Western style music or radios. The cab driver turned off the radio, stopped the cab and opened the door. The Muslim asked him "What a...

An American dropped into a pub in London for a drink and found it completely full of Brits.

An American dropped into a pub in London for a drink and found it completely full of Brits. After a few minutes, he saw a table for two with one middle-aged gentleman sitting at it. He walked over to the table and asked if he could sit down. The Brit replied, "Certainly. Please do."

The Ameri...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A tired american soldier is on a train to london

The train was packed. He went searching for a seat as he came by a middle aged woman and her dog. He asked her "may I please have that seat", the woman replied "you Americans are so rude, cant you see my little Fifi is sitting here". The soldier walks the length of the train and back to cross the wo...

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender g...

My friend works as a cab driver in London

one day, while chatting, I asked him if he found problems adapting to driving on the other side of the road

"not really, no, but the biggest problem is that sometimes instead of spitting outside the window I spit on the customer sitting next to me"

Maybe Jesus didn't like your chocolate?

So aliens come to earth and they're Sooo nice. There's a huge televised event with all the world leaders in attendance.

The Pope asks, "Do you know of Jesus Christ?"

The aliens say, "Do we Ever? Awesome guy!! Swings by the planet every couple of years to say Hi!"

The Pope excla...

My son has started an apprenticeship chef role at a Michelin starred Indian restaurant in London.

On his first day they showed him how to make the perfect Indian flat bread. He said he can't tell me the recipe though.

Apparently he had to sign a naan disclosure agreement.

My American girlfriend recently had a knee transplant here in London

which is ironic as her name is Britney

Van Gogh masterpiece defaced by Just Stop Oil activists in London.

A spokesman for the group said, 'We will not rest until all 19th century painters switch to acrylics or watercolours.'

I was in London last summer

I was in London last summer, and I got food poisoning. I lost 6 kilograms. See a lot of Americans don't understand that because it's metric. But I did the math, and 6 kilograms is over $720,000 in cocaine.

The Queen takes the visiting Pope for a ride in a horse carriage through London.

Suddenly one of the horses farts very loudly.

“Oh my goodness, I am so terribly sorry!” apologizes the embarrassed Queen.

“Oh don't worry about it" the Pope replied "If you hadn't said anything, I'd have just thought it was one of the horses!"

So earlier today I was at London Heathrow airport and a man in front of me collapsed on the luggage carousel :(

Took a while, but he was coming around slowly, though...

Two old men are riding on a train in north London, when it stops at a station.

First Old Man: “Is this Wembley?”

Second Old Man: “No, it’s Thursday.”

First Old Man: “So am I. Let’s go get a beer!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

“What do you call a line for a Vietnamese restaurant in London?”

“Pho queue.”

“Well, fuck you too!”

While visiting London an American.....

While visiting London an American entered a Vietnamese soup restaurant and proceeded directly to the counter to place an order.  A line of customers off to the side began groaning and mumbling.  A man at the front pointed to the back of the line and angrily said "Pho Queue!"

If one train is leaving London at 145 km/h and another train leaves Paris at 210 km/h one hour later, when do they meet?

Never. Train drivers in France are always on strike.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport for New York

A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport for New York, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.
"Hello", he blurted out, "Busine...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. NSFW

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

He asks, “What are you doing?”

She answers, “I’m moving to London. I heard prostitutes there get paid £400 for doing what I do for you for free.”

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A car in central London was weaving all over the road one night.

A patrol car spotted him and pulled him over. The officer approached the car and said, “Sir, get out of the car, I need you to blow into this breathalyser.”

The driver reached into his pocket and produced a doctor’s note. It read: “This man suffers from chronic asthma. Do not make him perform...

How is a werewolf from London unique?

They like to eat Chinese food.

"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "

I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's.... The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your ...

Just recently, a multi-year project to renovate and restore London's historic landmark Big Ben was completed.

They had men working around the clock.

Did you hear that Uri Geller planned to elevate the whole of London in what was to be the most expensive illusion ever performed?

He couldn't raise the capital.

A tourist in London was throwing bread to some ducks in a pond...

when a local woman approached him looking rather upset. She asked him how he could throw bread in the water for ducks when there were starving children in Africa? Wasn't it obvious that they could use that bread more than the ducks?

The man stood there for a short moment and responded to the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A high-class London lawyer gets stopped by police...

A high class stuck-up London lawyer gets pulled over by traffic police for failing to stop at a stop sign.

Officer: 'License and registration please'

Lawyer: 'Why?'

Officer: 'Because you failed to stop at the stop sign back there'

Lawyer: 'But I slowed down and could see ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is at a bar in London around 1985, having a drink with a girl.

He really wants to impress her. He looks over to another table and sees none other than Freddie Mercury!

“Oh my god!” Says his date, “I love him! Let’s get an autograph!”

“Nah”, the man replied, “he’s a bit of a knob”

“You know him?” his date asked incredulously

“Oh, yea...

A tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own.

He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a quaint British pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the locals, and have a few pints of stout.

After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighborhood with big, stately residences...no pubs, no stores, no restaurants,...

Why are London buses red?

You'd be red too if you had to come every 10 minutes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Donald Trump went to London and met with the Queen

"Your Queenship, “ he asked her. “I am finding things way more difficult than I could have imagined. May I ask you - how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?”

“Well," replied Her Majesty, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelli...

two german spies are in a pub in London during ww2...

they sit at the bar and one of them tells bartender they want martini. the bartender asks "dry?" to which one of the spies reply by saying "nicht drei, ZWEI!"

My wife told me she was going to London and asked if I wanted a gift.

I replied: I would like a British girl.

She returned a month later and I asked her where my gift was.

She told me to wait nine months.

I went to London the other day and was mugged in broad daylight at the train station.

Naturally I burst into tears, and then a policeman came up to me and said, “I’m fining you £10.”

“For crying out loud!” I exclaimed.

“Exactly,” he replied.

Aside from King Crimson, did any other seminal progressive rock bands form in London in 1968?

Yes

I've decided that COVID isn't going to stop me running the London marathon in 2022.

It'll be unfitness and apathy, same as usual.

An Irishman was sitting at a bar in London

...when he heard a guy with an Irish accent and asked if he was from Ireland.
"Yes" he replied. "Well so am I " said the first patron."What part of Ireland are you from?
The second patron replied " I'm from a small Village called Green Valley "
"I'll be damned!" "I'm from Green Valley too"....

A Texan, a Russian and a New Yorker go to a restaurant in London

The waiter tells them, "Excuse me -- if you were going to order the steak, I'm afraid there's a shortage due to the mad cow disease."
The Texan says, "What's a shortage?"
The Russian says, "What's a steak?"
The New Yorker says, "What's 'excuse me'?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One evening on the outskirts of London

a millionaire Englishman was walking with his dog when suddenly a Pakistani came out of the bushes and fired three shots and killed his dog.

Surprised and shocked, the Englishman said: "Why did you do that ?"

Pakistani: *"Your wife gave me 5000 Euros and said Kill the son of a bitch"*...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A British man and an Australian man are walking thru London

They see a sign that reads 'one man, one vote'
The Australian says 'I don't understand'
The British guy says 'one man, one vote'
Australian 'yeah, I don't understand'
British guy 'one man has one vote'
Australian 'I don't get it'
British 'one fucking man, one fucking vote'
Austr...

What do you call London without electricity?

Londoff

My friend just fainted whilst riding The London Eye.

He's slowly coming round.

A Swedish man was walking through London

A Swedish man was walking through London when he stopped a pedestrian.

"I'm sorry to bother you, sir, but I was wondering if you could answer a question about your language?"

"Why not?" The Englishman responded. "Go ahead."

"You see," the Swedish man said, "I'm a bit confused ab...

A man boards a flight from London to LA.

Midway in the flight, there is a bit of a turbulence and then an announcement.


"This is your captain speaking. We have a bit of bad news. During the turbulence we experienced, one of our engines have failed. But there is nothing to worry about, the plane still has three engines function...

I taught my pet dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground today

He went from Barking to Tooting in about 15 minutes

A Londoner told his flatmate he's moving out...

"where you going then?" he asked as they shook hands.

"North, I'm going to Scotland!"

"Buy why? It's cold and barren up there."

"Yes, but I read in the news that everyone's gettin' free pads up there!"

An egoistic tourist goes on a tour of London.

Walking past an enormous building, he boasts "We have buildings 4 times the size of that where I'm from."

The tour guide replies "I'm not surprised. That's a lunatic asylum."

A Scotsman goes to London

One day, a Scotsman traveled to the big city. He was impressed by all of the shops, tall buildings, and the bustle of city life. At one point, he came upon a storefront with a sign that read:

-Shirts: £3
-Trousers: £5
-Suit Coats: £10

"O'ch, that's a screaming good deal!" the Sc...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An American tourist to London find himself in the East End

It's a hot day, and he's thirsty so he stops into a pub for a refreshment.

He walks to the bar and asks, "Can I get a Budweiser please."

The barman looks him up and down and gruffly says, "You're American, right?"

The tourist chortles, "How can you tell? Is it my order, or the a...

Why did the man poison a London bakery?

He wanted to kill two Brits with one scone.

Throwing Watches

Three tourists climbed up the tower with London's Big Ben and decided to throw their watches off the top, run down the stairs and try to catch them before they hit the ground.

The first tourist threw his watch but heard it crash before the had taken three steps. The second threw his watch an...

Name 2 crustaceans that are only found in London?

Kings Crustacean and Charing Crustacean

“Knock, knock”

Who’s there?

Ah

Ah, who?

Werewolves of London

I have decided to write all my jokes in capitals from now on.

This one was written in London.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young Arab boy asks his father “What is that strange hat you are wearing?”

The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”

"And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy.

“Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father “It is very simple. This is a 'djbellah.' As I have told you, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Shortly after the Revolutionary War, the American war hero Ethan Allen was in London for some business.

His hosts were very patriotic Englishmen, so there was inevitably some tension between them. One day, they acquired a portrait of George Washington and hung it in their outhouse, so that you could only see it when you were seated and the door was closed.

After Ethan came in from using it late...

Londoner classic.

A man walks into a bakery and asks the lady behind the counter. "How much for that "gattox" in the window? "
Lady says "gattox, oh you mean "gateaux" that's £12.99"
"12.99?!?!" shouts the man "bollo!!"

I was reading on the BBC about a plan to reintroduce beavers to London.

I'm all for it....I do prefer a bit of grass on the pitch personally.

The weather in London is crazy right now.

It's the middle of January, but it feels like the end of May.

A comedian was on vacation in London.

A comedian was on a vacation in London when he came across a large crowd. He pushed and squeezed his way past the ocean of people and saw the Royal Family who were on their way to have lunch. As he takes out his phone to snap a photo, he saw from the corner of his eye a shady man pushing past the cr...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.