A German traveling to Poland stops at a Polish Border Security Point.

Polish Border Control Officer: "Nationality?" German: "German" Polish Boder Control Officer: "Occupation?" German: "No, just visiting"

An artist is commissioned to create a painting celebrating Soviet–Polish friendship, to be called "Lenin in Poland."

When the painting is unveiled at the Kremlin, there is a gasp from the invited guests; the painting depicts Lenin's wife naked in bed with Leon Trotsky. A voice calls out, "But this is a travesty! Where is Lenin?" To which the painter replies, "Lenin is in Poland."

Poland squad for World Cup

Bialkowski, Fabianski, Szczesny; Bednarek, Bereszynski, Cionek, Glik, Jedrzejczyk, Pazdan, Piszczek; Blaszczykowski, Goralski, Grosicki, Krychowiak, Kurzawa, Linetty, Peszko, Rybus, Zielinski; Kownacki, Lewandowski, Milik, Teodorczyk

Kindly pick your Wi-Fi password from any of the above.

When I went to Poland I saw the greatest dancing group in the country

When my wife asked what I did there I told her I saw the worlds best pole dancers!

Back when I was in a band I had a roadie that was from Poland

I also had a Czech one too, czech one too

Newsflash! A small, 2-seat aircraft crashed in a graveyard in Poland.

Rescuers have found 115 dead so far and expect to find hundreds more as they continue digging.

A german man goes to Poland. Crossing the border, the guard asks reviews his documents.

Pole: Name?

German: Hans Guttermark

Pole: Age?

German: Neunundzwanzig.

Pole: Occupation?

German: *smiles* Nein, just visiting!

A polish peasant farmer...

...is digging in his field one day when he hits something with his shovel. Picking it up and dusting it off, he recognizes it as an old lamp. A genie pops out and offers him three wishes. The Pole thinks about his wishes for the entire day and finaly decides. "Genie", he says, "I want the Mongol hor...

What language do they speak in Poland?

Depends on the year, sometimes it's German and sometimes it's Russian.

A short history of Poland:

"And then it got worse."

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Germany, Russia and Poland are competing in a vault breaking competition...

The rules of the competition are simple. There is a vault in the middle of a room. The light in the room is shut off for 3 seconds. In those 3 seconds the team can do whatever they want to the vault to try and get in. If the team manages to break into the vault before the light comes back on they ge...

A moderator from Poland walks into a chatroom of people arguing.

"This place is gonna need some *polishing*."

Why was the baseball stadium in Poland a huge failure?

Pretty much anywhere you sat you were behind a Pole.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How did Hitler conquer Poland?

He used a lot of polish remover.

What do you call a tank rolling through the streets of poland?

Ghetto Blaster

2010. Football match between Brazil and Poland.

During the game Ronaldinho was the only one holding the ball. His teammates decided to leave him alone on the pitch.
After the game Ronaldinho meets his teammates at the bar.
- So how was the game?
- I have won 3 to 1.
- You only scored 3 goals? What happened?
- I was given a red car...

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A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so, and although his English was far from perfect, the couple got on very well.

One day, though, he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked if he could arrange a divorce for him, "Very quick!"

The lawyer explained that the speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked these questions: LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?"

POLE: "An acre and...

True story, I was walking chatting with my buddy telling him I was going to visit a concentration camp on Poland.

He asked me if it was a type of yoga retreat.
(millenials...)

A Russian is travelling to Poland...

and he is stopped to be checked by an officer.

"Name?" the officer asked.

"Vlad Dobrynin," the man answered.

"Nationality?"

"Russian."

"Occupation?"

"No, no, just visiting."

So... a German is getting ready to enter in a plane to Poland.

"Occupation?" - The officer asks.
"Occupation? No! I'm here to visit!"

A successful American farmer makes a trip to Poland and visits a Polish farm...

The American asks, "How much of what I can see is your land?" The Pole replies, "Oh from the edge of that wheat field over there, to that river over there. And what about your farmland?"

"Oh let me tell you," the American begins to boast, "My farmland is so big, I could get in my car in the m...

What did Germany say to France after conquering Poland?

Europe next.

My husband noticed my unusual behavior lately and finally asked if I'm secretly a pole dancer. A pole dancer!?

Ive never even been to Poland

Mom writes to her son in Poland's army: "Dear Son, I am writing this letter ever so slowly.....

....because I know you cannot read fast"

How did Germany so easily defeat Poland during WWII?

When the Polish threw grenades at the Germans, the Germans pulled the pins and threw them back.

How did the Germans conquer Poland so fast?

They marched in backwards and the Polish thought they were leaving.

Lenin in Poland

In the early 1970's Brezhnev announces to the Politburo that he is making a state visit to Poland, and that in honor of the trip he wishes to bring the Polish people a momentous gift. It is decided that Brezhnev should bring a large painting entitled "Lenin In Poland." After all, what could be a mor...

An old soviet joke

Mikhail Gorbachev and his wife were on the train returning to Russia following a state visit to East Germany.

After they'd been travelling a short while, his wife asked him: "Where are we now, Mikhail dear?" He put his hand out of the window and said: "We're still in Germany, dear."

...

A German visits Poland.

A German visits Poland, and is stopped at the boarder by a Polish official.

The Polish Official asked "Occupation?"


The German replied "Yes," and thus began the bloodiest conflict in human history.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you were born in Poland and are now taking a piss in England, what are you?

European

[OC] I named my hard drive Poland

Because of how often it gets partitioned

50,000 Germans walk into poland

Punchlines in the title

Putin decides to invade Poland

Putin decides to invade Poland. But first, he wants to check the future situation in his country by visiting a fortuneteller.

Putin: Hello! I'd like to ask how much would a 0,7l bottle of vodka in Moscow 2016 cost.

Fortuneteller: Hmmm... it seems about twenty.

Putin: Rubles?!?...

Tragedy in Poland

The worst air disaster in Poland's history occurred today when a two-seat Cessna 120 crashed into a cemetery.

So far 374 bodies have been found.

Polish search and rescue officials indicate that the number will probably rise as they continue to dig.

On a transatlantic flight to Poland...

...the pilot announced on the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, we just lost one of our engines. But don't worry. We can still fly on the other three. It'll just take an extra hour to get to Poland."

Grumbles ensued but died down.

A while later the pilot announced, "Ladies and gentlemen...

China, Russia, and Poland venture to space.

China says they'll go to Pluto because it's the farthest.

Russia says they'll go to Jupiter because it's the biggest.

Poland says they'll go to the Sun. Russia and China warn that they'll melt. They reply, "We'll go at night."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

During WWII, An Old Man Worked At a Concentration Camp in Poland...

Due to the Nazi's bombing the factory he used to work in. His job was to move straw back and forth, he would take new straw bales shipped in every morning, put the hay in wheelbarrows where prisoners would then bring the wheelbarrows to where it was needed.

Every night, he had to bring the o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Nazi flew to Poland...

At passport check he was stopped and asked a few questions:

Security "Are you visiting for business or pleasure?"

Nazi "Business"

Security "Occupation?"

Nazi "No, just visiting this time"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Jewish Men in 1944 Poland Have a Plan To Kill Hitler

Back in 1944 in the Warsaw ghetto, two Jewish men have planned to try to kill Hitler. They have discovered his travel route, they know the exact time-table, and they know he will pass close by to a nearby government building at exactly 7:00 PM. So, the two men make their plans, knowing that their ...

What do your mom and Poland have in common?

a lot of countries have been inside her.

Did you hear, there's no more ice in Poland?

The old lady with the recipe died...

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Where did Hitler keep his armies?

...
...
...
In his sleeves.


Okay, how did he tie his shoesies?
...
...
...
With little knotsies!

So where did he keep his OTHER armies?
...
...
...
Poland.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Poland...

Poland - a country between Russia to the east and Germany to the west.
If they piss Russia off, they turn the gas off.
If they piss Germany off they turn the gas on.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An American man, a French man, a Turkish man, and a Polish man are sitting in a bar.

The Bartender asked what the four men are most proud of for their country. The American man says: “I’m really proud of the CIA. They know the details of almost every major event in the U.S,. They often even know it before it happens!”
The French man says: “I’m proud of French women. They are very...

You guys want to hear an upside to WWIII starting?

Germans get a free trip to Austria, Poland, or France

I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.

Apparently he waved to another woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport.

I'm now in Poland starting a new life.

What does a Jew, in Poland with a Stomach ache have?

The Auschits

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pole, Russian and Englishman are flying a plane and arguing where they are

The Russian puts his hand outside the window and says:

"we're in Russia"

"it's cold"

Then the Englishman puts his hand outside the window and says:

"we're in England"
"it's wet"

And then the Pole puts his hand outside the window and as he pulls it back, he start...

"Mom, mom, quiz me on capitals please!"

"Okay, what's the capital of Germany?"


"That's easy, Berlin."


"And the capital of France?"


"Berlin"


"And the one of Poland?"


"Also Berlin."


"Good job Adolf, good job!"

How many peopledoes it take to change a lightbulb in Germany?

Just one Germans are very efficient and not very funny.




How many people does it take to change a lightbulb in Poland?

Just one Germans are very efficient and not very funny.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A 20 year old man visited his 100 year old grandmother

The 20 year old asked what was her secret to living so long.
His grandmother replied, "I will tell you if you do one thing for me, tell me how grains of sand on every beach in the entire world!"
The 20 year old planning to travel the world took this challenge and set off counting every grain ...

Deal!

A man from Poland and a man from Russia together dig up a treasure.

The guy from Poland says:

\-- Let us divide this like brothers!

The Russian:

\-- Let’s better 50-50.

New Sequel to Lalaland

Poland

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Polish patriot finds a magic lamp...

As he begins to wipe it off, a genie appears. The genie thanks him for setting him free, and grants him three wishes.

The patriot thinks carefully, and then says: "I want the Mongol hoards to sack Warsaw, and then march home!"

The genie doesn't understand, but a promise is a promise...

My girlfriend said to treat her like a princess

So I forced her into a marriage with a man she'd never met so that I could make an alliance with Poland.

A priest was performing mass one Sunday...

A priest was performing mass one Sunday in his village in Poland when suddenly, in the middle of the service, he let one rip on accident. He was hoping that nobody heard it, but to his dismay, a wave of disgust fell on the faces of those in the congregation. After the service, he was berated by near...

A German man goes on holiday

to Poland, he gets stopped at the border (because it's an out of date joke), and the border guard checks his papers and decides to ask him a few questions

"Name?"

"Hans Schmidt"

"Age?"

"32"

"Place of birth?"

"Dusseldorf"

"Occupation?"

"No, jus...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Russians on space

The 60's. Some construction site in Poland.

"Have you heard the news, foreman? The russkies have gone to space!"

"Wha, all of them?"

"No, just one."

"The fuck do I care then? Pass the hammer!"

My friend knows everyone...

Dave was bragging to his boss one day:
"You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"
"No drama boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
So Dave and...

If Germany is the Fatherland, and Russia is the Motherland...

Then they've had a hell of a custody battle over Poland.

[Long] A Polish farmer...

During WWII a Polish farmer is tilling his field when he finds a lamp. He picks up the lamp and rubs off the dirt when a genie pops out.

The genie says "Thank you for freeing me from my prison. In return I will give you three wishes."

"Ok" says the farmer, "for my first wish I want the...

There once was a cow from Minsk

The only cow in a small town in Poland stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from Moscow for 2,000 rubles, or one from Minsk for 1,000 rubles. Being frugal, they bought the cow from Minsk.

The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three Poles are talking about what's the drunkest they've ever been in their lives

The first one says, *"You might not believe me, but I got so drunk once that I woke up in an alleyway 3 blocks away from my home!"*

The second one says, *"Hah! That's nothing! I got so drunk once that I woke up in a different town altogether!"*

*"You guys are a bunch of pussies...

Two famous explorers decided to trek across Canada...

They planned for months to make it the perfect trip, and they each had the support of their respective governments. Each explorer was to make a daily video call to their country's #1 news station to update them on their trip, in return for funding.
The explorer from Poland set out, and he met th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

THE PENIS STUDY

The American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.


After the US published the study, France deci...

Dad, my Geography teacher Adolf will give me a quiz tomorrow.

Sure Hans. Let me ask you some questions.

Capital of Germany? Berlin

Capital of France? Berlin

Capital of Russia? Berlin

Capital of Poland? Berlin

Capital of USA? Tokyo

Capital of China? Tokyo

Hotel? Trivago

That's my boy.

My mother is Polish and my father was not, so growing up we heard a lot of Polish jokes from my father. All in good fun of course. Here is my favorite.

Yosh and Stosh decided they were going to take a vacation back to their native land Poland. So they’re on the plane halfway across the Atlantic and everything is going great when the captain makes an announcement over the intercom.

“Folks, were having a little trouble with on of the engines ...

Geography class

-Whats the capital of Germany?

-Berlin teacher

-Whats the capital of France?

-Berlin again teacher

-Whats the capital of Poland?

-Still Berlin teacher

-Adolf! If you keep this up you'll fail geography!

-We'll see about that

Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery

A small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Poland. Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.

I recently bought a German car, but the navigation system is all messed up.

It only gives directions to Poland.

A Polish guy finds a lamp buried in the sand

As per usual, a genie comes out and offers him three wishes.

The Polish guy things for a moment and says, "I wish for all of Ghengis Khan's armies to go rampaging across the steppes to the border of Poland, then turn around and go home."

"All right," the genie says, "Done. What's your ...

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