Englishman Jokes - 114 Hilarious Englishman Jokes

An American and an Englishman are about to be executed

The American is put before the executioner and is asked: "What are your final 3 wishes ?"

The American replies: "My first wish is to smoke one last cigarette"

They bring him one last cigarette, he somkes it and the executioner asks him: "Your 2nd wish ?"

Amer...

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Englishman: "That your dog?"

Englishman: "That your dog?"

Welshman: "Aye"

Englishman: "Mind if I speak to him?'

Welshman: "Dog don't talk.”

Englishman: Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doing all right."

Welshman: (look of shock)

Englishman: Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the We...

An Englishman, an Irishman and an Italian are taken prisoners of war...

They take the Englishman back and hogtie him, whip him, and beat him senseless. After two hours of being brutally tortured, he spills all of his secrets.

Then they take the Irishman back and hogtie him, whip him, and beat him senseless. After four hours of being bashed bloody and bruised, he...

An Englishman and an Irishman go to a bakery. The Englishman steals three buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman: “That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn’t even see me.”

“That’s just simple thievery,” the Irishman replied. “I’ll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results.”

The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says: “Sir, I want to show you a magic trick.” The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magi...

Scotsman, Englishman, and an Irishman walk into a bar

Sitting in a bar the Scotsman says, "As good as this bar is, I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , th...

An American, an Englishman and a Scotsman are eating breakfast with their wives

The American says to his wife: "Please pass me the honey, honey"

Then the Englishman requests: "Please pass me the sugar, sugar," to his wife.

The Scotsman thinks for a second, then bickers "Pass me the milk, ya cow!"

So a German, an Englishman and an Irishman

were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when they were arrested by Saudi police. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to app...

An Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman are working on a building site...

High above the city, they sit together, eating their lunch as they do every lunchtime.
The Englishman, Arthur, opens his lunchbox and picks out his sandwiches.

"I say! roast beef sandwiches. I'm sick of roast beef sandwiches! If I've got roast beef sandwiches tomorrow, I shall throw myse...

An Englishman and an Irishman walk into a bakery

As they are standing at the counter, the Englishman quietly picks up 3 buns stows them away in his pocket.

He turns slightly towards the Irishman, saying quietly, "That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The baker didn't even see me."

The Irishman scoffed back, "That's jus...

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and a homely brunette...

..are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the French...

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An Englishman, an American and a Japanese guy are on a boat, moments away from plunging over a waterfall to their doom...

Suddenly a genie appears. The genie explains that he is of limited power. He cannot prevent their inevitable deaths, but he can grant each man one wish before he dies.

The American steps up first. 'I love my country. Before I die I want to sing my national anthem one last time. The full versi...

What’s the difference btw an Onion and an Englishman?

No one cries when you cut up an Englishman

Note: don’t know if the context helps, but a friend heard this from a Scottish tour guide on a trip to Britain.

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a nun and a young woman are sitting in a train compartment

The train drives into a tunnel, the lights in the compartment have gone out, it is pitch black. Suddenly a loud SMACK! is heard, and when the train is back out of the tunnel, the Frenchman is in pain, holding his red cheek.

The Nun thinks: "He must have groped the young woman and she slapped ...

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An Englishman, a Scottish man, and an Irish man all walk into a pub with their wives.

They all sit down and order a cup of tea. The Englishman looks to his wife and says “could you pass the honey, honey?” The Scottish man thinks to himself how clever that was, then turns to his wife and says “could you pass the sugar, sugar?” The Irish man - not wanting to be out witted by the other ...

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A Frenchman, an Englishman and an Australian go exploring in the jungle.

Afer some time, they come across a beautiful lake and all decide to go swimming.

Afterwards as they leave the crystal-clear water they are captured by a local tribe and are brought before the chief.

The chief looks at them and says "All three of you were caught swimming in our sacred w...

An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Ethiopian all sit in the hospital lobby as their wives are giving birth.

After a while the doctor comes out, invites them into the nursery where 3 babies lie in cribs and says: "Congratulation! You all just became fathers! But there is one problem. Due to a nurse's error the babies got mixed up and we don't really know which one who's."

The Englishman suddenly gra...

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman apply to join MI6

The Englishman comes in for his interview and it goes really well, he has a glowing record in the Army and is a perfect fit for the job.

At the end the interviewer asks him "Who do you love more, your country or your wife?"

The Englishman replies "My country of course!"

"OK" say...

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An Englishman, an American and an Irishman walk into a Bar.

Each orders a double scotch.

Through a stroke of misfortune, a fly lands in each of their drinks.

The Englishman calls the waiter, points out the fly, and gets his drink returned.

The American looks around a while, ensures no one is looking, takes the fly out with a pair of twee...

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar...

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar...

The Englishman wanted to go so they all had to leave.

A German, a Frenchman and an Englishman go fishing...

They fish quite happily for a while until the German catches a huge golden fish, but as he pulls it off the hook it says "Please don't kill me! Spare my life and I'll grant you all a wish!"

The German throws the fish back and says "I wish for a mug of beer that will never empty", and immediat...

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Three Englishman go into a pub

They sit down at a small round table and order three warm beers. They're sitting there drinking them when one of them notices an Irishman at the bar.
"See that Mick over there? I'm gonna go rile him up." So he goes over to him and says "Hey mate I hear your Saint Patrick was a pussy!" ...

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A Turk, a Frenchman, and an Englishman are traveling on a train.

The compartment gets warm, so the Frenchman opens the window and a fly buzzes in. Wanting to show off, the Frenchman swiftly draws his sword and with one strike, the fly is split in half. As the others look on in amazement, the Frenchman hands out his business card, which reads: "France's Best Sword...

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Nigerian are in a maternity ward waiting room

A nurse comes in and says, "Gentlemen, I'm sorry, but there's been a mixup with the babies. Could you please help sort it out?"

She takes them to the nursery and shows two white babies and one black baby. The Englishman picks up the black baby and starts walking off. The Nigerian says, "What ...

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An Englishman is hiking in Scotland and he pauses to drink from a stream. A passing shepherd calls out "Dinnae drink frae that, it's all fulla coo piss an shite!"

The Englishman says to him in a cut-glass accent "I'm terribly sorry, my good fellow, would you very much mind repeating that in the Queen's English?"

And the shepherd says "I'm terribly sorry sir, I was only asking if you would like to borrow this tin cup and get a proper drink?"

An Englishman, a Welshman and an Irishman enter a bar.

An Irishman, an Englishman, and a Welshman walk into a bar and order a pint of beer each. Suddenly, a fly lands in each of their pints.

The Englishman pushes his pint away in disgust and orders another one.

The Welshman carefully removes the fly and continues drinking.

The Irish...

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A Scotsman and an Englishman

Were walking along the beach when they come upon a beautiful Mermaid sitting on a rock.

Englishman says "Have you ever been kissed?" She says No, and he kisses her.

Scotsman says "Have you ever been fucked?" She says No, he says "Well you are now the tide's just gone out"

A Scot and an Englishman walk into a bar.

The Englishman orders a large whisky. The Scot says "I bet you a quid I can drink your whole whisky without touching the glass or using a straw". The Englishman is intrigued at how the Scot could possibly do this, so he agrees. The Scot takes the glass and finishes it in one swig. "But... you did to...

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an American get captured by a tribe of cannibals

The leader of the cannibals arrives, and says "Greetings, travelers. I'm sorry to tell you this, but since we have captured you, you must die. Furthermore, we must eat you, and make canoes out of your skins, in accordance with our traditions. However, we will be as humane as we can. We will allow yo...

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German...

... are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, “Can you all see me now?”

“Yes.”

“Oui.”

“Sí.”

“Ja.”

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German stop to watch a street performer.

The performer sees them arrive and since they’re at the back of the crowd asks them if they can see properly.

“Yes.”

“Oui.”

“Si.”

“Ja.”

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Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman walk into a bar

The Englishman walks into the bar, approaches the horrendous looking barmaid and asks for something to eat. The Barmaid demands sex for food.

The Englishman declines quickly exiting the bar.

The Irishman then walks into the bar and approaches the same horrendous looking barmaid. The ba...

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are walking along the beach one day and come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it.

"I give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total" says the Genie.
The Irishman says "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I wish all the oceans to be full of fish for all eternity and a fleet of fishing boats to catch them."
So, wit...

A Frenchman, an Englishman, a Russian, and a Ukrainian are on a a plan when the plane's engines fail and it starts to go down.

The pilot grabs one of the parachutes and jumps from the plane. The remaining passengers see that there is only one chute left, and quickly do the math.

The Englishman stands up, straightens his tie, says "God save the Queen!" and jumps from the plane.

The Frenchman, not wanting to b...

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.

The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond

“Yes”

“Oui”

“Si”

“Ja”

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a pub

The barman says 'Is this some sort of joke'

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An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman...

...walk into a pub. They all sit next to each other at the bar, and all three order a pint of Guinness. Right as they get their pints, a fly lands in each one's drink. The Englishman turns up his nose disgustedly, and pushes the glass away. The Scotsman picks the fly out of his stout, throws it over...

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An Englishman and Welshman were in a pub discusing their sexual prowess.

The Englishman boasts he's gotten laid with 27 different partners this year.

"What about *you*?" he asks the Welshman, who promptly falls asleep.

An Englishman walks into a bar...

There's usually a Scotsman, Irishman and Welshman too, but they're still at the Rugby World Cup.

How do you tell the difference between and Englishman and a Scotsman?

One says, "hey you, get off of my cloud," the other says "hey Macleod, get off of my EWE!"

What do you call and Englishman's walking cane?

A ChapStick

An Englishman, a Scot and an Irishman are walking in a park when a genie appears out of nowhere

The genie also magics up a slide, and says to them, "Whatever you wish for when sliding down this slide will be waiting at the bottom for you."

The Englishman goes first. "Gold!" He yells as he slides down, and, true to the genie's word, he lands in a huge room, full to the brim with gold....

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A Frenchman, an Englishman and an Australian were hiking through some remote mountains.

The weather was oppressively hot when they saw this beautiful lake. They ran down to the lake, stripped off and swam in the wonderfully cool water.

Natives appeared on the shore and captured them and took them before the Chief.

"Lake is our most sacred site. You have violated sacred si...

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An Englishman, Irishman and a Scott go into a bar:

The three men order themselves a pint. In a strange coincidence a fly lands in each mans brew.
The Englishman says, "I, I cont drink this. May i ave another?"
The Scot grunts and chugs his beer down fly and all.
The Irishman leans down really close, grabs the fly by it's wing and screams "S...

An Englishman, a Welshman and a Pakistani man were sat in the waiting room of the maternity ward at the local hospital...

An Englishman, a Welshman and a Pakistani man were sat in the waiting room of the maternity ward at the local hospital.

A nurse comes out and says to the men "I'm sorry, but there's a been a mix-up and we don't know which baby belongs to which mother. Any chance one of you could come in and s...

An Englishman, Frenchman, and Russian are looking at a painting of Adam and Eve.

"They are so calm and contemplative. They would surely be English." The Englishman says.

"No," the Frenchman says, "they are naked and beautiful, they would be French."

"My friends," the Russian begins, "no clothes, no shelter, they are sharing an apple between two, they're being wat...

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An Englishman, a Scot, and an Irishman...

...sit down at a pub and each order a Guinness. As the foam is settling, a fly happens to land in each of their glasses.

Put off by this, and accustomed to a more civilised way of drinking, the posh Englishman politely asks the barkeep for another pint.

The Scottsman, a bit more roug...

What do you call an overweight Englishman ?

A Briton

It's 1987 and an Englishman and a Frenchman are discussing the Channel Tunnel.

The Frenchman is saying how wonderful it is that this co-operative venture is taking place, and that he never expected the English to go to such trouble to be united to the mainland of Europe.

"Oh that's nothing," says the Englishman, "You should have seen the trouble we had digging the...

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An Englishman is having breakfast in Paris one morning....

...(coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The Englishman ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

Frenchman: 'You English folk eat the whole bread??'

Englishman (in a bad mood): 'Of course.'
<...

An English man and an Irish man are driving head-on, at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast

for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Englishman goes to the boot and fe...

An Englishman in France

This happened to an Englishman in France who was totally blasted. A French policeman stops his car and asks if he has been drinking. With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married that morning, and that he drank champagne and a few bottl...

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An Englishman, an Scotchman, and an Irishman walk into a bar...

They each order a beer. The barkeep brings them each a beer, and there happens to be a fly in each one. The Englishmen, a bit put off, says "Sir there's a fly in my beer, I'll need a fresh one please." The Scotchman, undeterred shrugs and says "I won't be letting a fly ruin me enjoying my beer!" ...

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Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman.

Am Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are lost deep in a jungle. They get captured by a tribe of cannibals and are told "you can have one request before we kill you, eat you and then your skins into a canoe". The scot asks for a bottle of the finest scotch and, somehow the tribe brings it to him...

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an American are in a plane that crashes in the Amazon...

They are swiftly captured by a tribe of cannibals. The leader of their tribe tells them that outsiders from the sky are to be sacrificed for the good of the people. They will be cooked alive, the village will feast on their flesh, they will make weapons from their bones, and use their skin for canoe...

An American and an Englishman

On a train from London to Manchester an American was lecturing the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.

"The trouble with you English is that you’re too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us. Look at me... I'...

Three new fathers, an Englishman, a Welshman and an Indian are looking at their newborn babies cribs in hospital.

All three babies are side by side and the fathers are congratulating each other on their new arrivals.

Just then, a nurse enters the room, looking quite flustered.
"I'm sorry" says the nurse " but we've lost the paperwork, and can't tell you whose baby is whose!"

The three fathers l...

A German, an Italian, a Frenchman and an Englishman are having a philosophical debate.

The question arises: What separates man from the animals?

"Technology," says the German. "Other creatures have tools, yet none can match the hights of engineering we have accomplished. It is our industry that separates us from the beasts."

"I disagree," announces the Italian. "...

An Englishman, a Scotsman, a Welshman and a Irishman are captured by Isis.

The executioner lines the men in a row and says that each of them can have one final wish. He starts by asking the Irishman what his wish is.

"My wish is to have 1000 Irish tap dancers tapping during my execution."

"Granted." The executioner replied and then proceeded to ask the Scotsm...

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An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman...

An Englishman, Scotsman, and Irishman are trekking through the jungle together. They’re hacking down trees, killing leopards, and generally doing manly things.

All of a sudden, they are confronted by a group of natives, who grab the trio and drag them to their little village and tie them to s...

A Englishman walks into a bar...

He walks over to two women sitting near the bar and says, "Are you two ladies from England?"

"Wales.", replies the one woman.

So the man says, "Pardon me, are you two whales from England?"

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An old Englishman was very confused by what his loner teenage son had done

His son had made a 70s style carpet out of raven corpses. He confronted his son, who replied “sorry dad, thought you meant this when you said I should go out and shag some birds.”

An Englishman walks up to the immigration counter at the Sydney Airport...

An Englishman walks up to the immigration counter at the Sydney Airport. The officer asks, “Do you have any felony convictions?”

The Englishman replies, “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize that was still a requirement.”

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An Englishman comes to Harvard.

Unable to find out the way to the library, he approaches an undergrad. The subsequent conversation is as follows-

Englishman: Excuse me. Could you kindly enlighten me where the library is at?

Undergrad: It’s Harvard. People don’t end sentences with a preposition here.

Englishma...

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An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman..........

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan...

An Englishman, a Welshman, and an Irishman take their wives to breakfast

Tea is served
Trying to be cute the English man says to his wife
“Would you like some sugar, sugar?”

The Welshman trying to follow suit says to his wife
“Would you like some honey, honey?”

The Irishman refusing to be outdone says to his wife:
“Would you like some milk, yo...

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Three Englishmen spot a Welshman alone in a pub...

They say to each other "I'm bored, let's pick a fight with him."
The first Englishman walks up to him and says "St. David wore frilly pink knickers."
"Interesting, I didn't know that," said the unfazed Welshman.
Flustered by his failed attempt at angering the Welshman, the first Engli...

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An Englishman asked a Frenchman his favorite animal.

The Frenchman forgot the word in English and said, "My favorite animal is a phoque!"

The Englishman said, "Wait, you said your favorite animal is a fuck?"

"No, silly! A *phoque*!"

"Yeah, a fuck. I get it! But that's not an animal."

"No, a phoque! Especially the ones that...

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman...

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all builders working on a bridge. The Englishman opens his lunch-box and says, "If I get one more tuna sandwich, I'm going to jump off this bridge." The Scotsman opens his lunch box and says, "If I get one more ham sandwich, I'm going to jump off this b...

A Scotsman, an Irishman, and an Englishman...

A Scotsman, an Irishman, and an Englishman are each sentenced to a year in solitary confinement; before being locked away, each is to be granted a year's supply of whatever he wants to help him get through the long, long spell alone.

The Scotsman asks for a year's supply of whiskey; it's give...

An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Russian were arguing about the nationality of Adam and Eve.

‘They must have been English,’ declared the Englishman. Only a gentleman would share his first apple with a woman.’

‘They were undoubtedly French,’ said the Frenchman. ‘Who else could seduce a woman so easily?’

‘I think they were Russians,’ said the Russian. ‘After all, who else could ...

An Englishman began procedures at the Immigration Department to move to Australia

Immigration: "Do you have a criminal record?"

British guy: "Is that still necessary?"

An Englishman, Irishman, Welshman, Scotsman were captured while fighting in a far-off foreign land,

and the leader of the captors said, "We're going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn. But first, you each can make a final wish."

The Englishman responds, "I'd like to hear "God Save The Queen" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, played by the ...

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An Australian, and Englishman, and a Japanese guy are shipwrecked...

An Australian, and Englishman, and a Japanese guy are shipwrecked after their cruiseship sank.

After they compose themselves, the Englishman takes charge of the situation.

He turns to the Australian: "alright chap, I think I shall go down the beach to search for food, shelter, supplie...

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An English spy, a Scottish spy and an Irish spy are captured by the Nazis.

The Nazis ask if they have any last wishes

The Irishman says "I want the Irish national anthem to be played before I die"

The Scottish man says "I want the Scottish anthem to be played on bagpipes before I die"

The Englishman says "I wanna die first"

Magic trick

An Englishman and a Scotsman go to a pastry shop.

The Englishman whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed.
The baker doesn't notice.

The Englishman says to the Scotsman:
"You see how clever we are? You'll never beat that!"

The Scotsman says to the Englishm...

A Chinese guy and an Englishman walk into a bar.

Over the next hour, the Englishman drinks a lot of alcohol and goes out of control. He begins to scream cuss words and annoy everyone in the bar.

Just as the bartender is planning to throw him out, the Chinese guy says,

"Hi, sorry for bad English"

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are stranded on a desert island. One day, the Englishman finds a genie in a lamp who grants him three wishes. Because the Englishman is such a nice fellow, he asks the genie if he can share the three wishes...

The genie agrees and heads over to the other men, explaining the situation.

"Alright, Mr. Englishman, you get one wish", declares the genie.

"I miss the bustling streets of London, I wish to be sent back to England".

"Your deed is done", says the genie, who then teleports the ...

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An Irishman, a Scotsman and an Englishman walk into a bathroom

The Englishman takes a piss, and wipes his hands very thoroughly with 7 squares of toilet paper, while loudly proclaiming that "In England, we always do our job extremely thoroughly"

The Scotsman takes a piss, and wipes his hand with just one square of toilet paper, using every square inc...

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An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman…..

An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman took their wives to play a round of golf…
The Englishman’s wife stepped up to the tee first and as she bent over to place her ball, a sudden gust of wind blew up her skirt, revealing she wasn't wearing any panties.

“Good God, my sweet pet! What e...

An Englishman goes to see a doctor...

An Englishman goes to the doctor and says "please doc, I really, really want to be Irish"
The doctor replies "I can definitely do it but I'll need to cut out half your brain"
"That's fine doc - whatever you need to do, please just make me Irish" the Englishman responds.
After the surgery, t...

An Irishman and an Englishman find a lamp

Upon rubbing it a genie pops out and says For freeing me, I will grant you each one wish!"
The Englishman says "I love my country, but it's being ruined by foreigners. I wish a wall to be built around it so that no one else can get in."
The genie says, "Done. And you, Irishman?"
The Irishm...

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Jew are sentenced to death....

The judge tells the three of them, "you get to choose your method of death."

The Englishman says, "I'd like the firing squad." So, they bring in a firing squad.

The Frenchman says, "I'd like the guillotine." So, they bring in a guillotine.

The Jew says, "I'd like to die of old a...

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An Englishman, German, and Irishman

An Englishman, a German, and a Irishman are sitting in a bar, each with their favorite drink. Three flies buzzing around the bar choose to land in each of their drinks. The Englishman sees the fly in his wine and exclaims, "I cannot drink this filth! Bring me a fresh brew in a new glass!" The German...

An Englishman, A Frenchman, A Spaniard and A German go to a magic show

They arrive late so all the seats were taken. The 4 gentlemen decide to stand in the narrow walkway at the back, one behind the other.

The Magician on stage notices them standing there, and asks the gentlemen:

"Can you all see me from there?"

So the gentlemen reply in or...

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An Englishman and a Scotsman are enjoying a night out...

And suddenly the Englishman turns to the Scot and says: "You know, my dear fellow, I do so love the way the Scottish dialect sounds. Would you have any easy pointers in how I could sound more Scottish?"

The Scot agrees and tells him one simple trick. "A'richt noo gang huv a go it oan that gro...

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Australian, Englishman and Irishman man are sitting in a Pub

Australian, Englishman and Irishman man are sitting in a Pub with cold beers and all are relaxed.

Aussie says "Great, but back home there is a bar where the barman buys you your 5th beer once you've bought your fourth"

Well, says the Englishman, "back in Manchester my local has a buy 2...

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Pe...

An Englishman stops Paddy for directions.....

An Englishman stops Paddy for directions... "Excuse me pal, what's the quickest way to Dublin?"

Paddy says "Are you on foot or in the car?"

The Englishman says "In the car."

Paddy replies "That's the quickest!"

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irish man are chatting in a bar. The Englishman says "We named my son George because he was born on St. George's Day".

The Scotsman says "Wow, what a coincidence! My son is called Andrew because he was born on St. Andrew's Day"

The Irishman says "I can't believe it! Wait till I tell you about our Pancake"

An Englishman, Irishman & Scotsman...

An English, Scottish & Irish soldier are caught fighting as mercenaries in a foreign land.

As prisoners of war, the General sentences each to 12 months of solitary confinement, but to show he is fair, he will give them each a years supply of a luxury item of their choosing.

...

A Scotsman, an Englishman, and an Irishman

A Scotsman, an Englishman, and an Irishman - all commandos, are parachuting into Germany in WW2.

They land in a field and are spotted by a German soldier who gives pursuit. Their only hiding spot a nearby barn.

They run into the barn looking for somewhere to hide and can only see 3 hem...

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An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Australian, are hiking through the South American jungle

When all of sudden, they see a crystal clear pool at the foot of a mountain. They're all hot and tired, so naturally, they strip off and jump in, and to their surprise, that are captured by natives. They are brought in front of the chief and told that the pool is sacred. He tells them that they are ...

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While in Ireland, where does an Englishman shit?

In the Lughbhaidh.

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An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Greek are captured by cannibals in Africa.

The chief of the tribe offers to free anyone who succeeds in three tests: drink a ton of wine, pull a thorn from the sacred lion's foot, and have sex with his hundred-year-old grandmother.
They lead the Englishman to the wine hut, he starts drinking but doesn't even get halfway through. The nat...

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a Jamaican are waiting in the maternity ward whilst their partners gave birth.

The midwife comes out and says that all the babies have been born healthy and mothers are doing fine but there’s been a mix-up and they aren’t sure which baby belongs to whom.
The Englishman rushes in and picks up the black baby and starts walking out. The others stop him and ask him what the hel...

A Russian, a Frenchman and an Englishman argued about Adam's nationality.

A Russian, a Frenchman and an Englishman argued about Adam's nationality.

The Frenchman said, "Of course Adam was French. Look how passionately he made love to Eve!"

The Englishman said, "Of course Adam was British. Look how he gave his only apple to the lady, like a real gentleman."...

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There were these three guys at the lake, a German, an Englishman and a Nigerian.

The German took out his dick, put it in the water, waited a while and told the others: "I can feel the water it's a 32 degrees Celsius".

The other two were amazed. "Let me try", the Englishman said. So he put his organ in the water, waited and said: "To be more exact, the temperature i...

A Polack, An American and an Englishman all go skydiving...

The polack jumps fist, the American waits ten seconds, then the Englishman jumps a moment layer.

The Polack pulls his chute and it opens. The American pulls his, and it fails to open. He falls screaming passed the Polack. The Englishman pulls his chute, and it fails to open. He ...

An englishman gets lost at sea

There's a ship that's been sent to another continent to bring goods there. During the travels the ship gets into a storm, and is crushed against the rocks. The only man who survives is an englishman, and now he's on a deserted island all alone.

After two months the other party at the contine...

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are in a carnival

Watching a juggler juggle 4 burning fire brands. He notices that the four are quite short and are on their tiptoes just to be able to have a glance at his juggling skills.

Being the showman, he jumps on to a large wooden box while still keeping the firebrands juggling and asks, "Can y'all ge...

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were in Rome.

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were in Rome one day when the see a priest running around in panic. They approach him an asked what's wrong when he says "Mama Mia! It's a tha Pope! He's a dead!!" Then he goes quiet, still panicking with his finger on his lips saying "please, please don't a say ...

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An Englishman, an Irishman & a Leprechaun in a bar...

An Irishman walks into a bar and asks for two beers. He then pulls a small green-skinned man out of his pocket and puts him on the counter.

As he’s drinking one drink and the green man is drinking the other, an Englishman down the bar who has had a few too many drinks says, “Hey, what’s that...

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An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman all die and end up at the Pearly Gates...

St. Peter welcomes them all in.

He says, as per standard Heaven protocol, for your first 100 years you get one of anything you like, unlimited, with no consequences.

The Englishman says "Well I really like sex, can I have 200 horny 18 year old stunners to play around with?". St.Peter...

An Englishman and a Frenchman...

Are walking on a beach when they both spot a genie lamp sticking out of the sand.
The both sprint towards it and five to grab it. One grabs the handle, the other grabs to spout and both rub it at the same time.
A genie pops out and says to them "you both rubbed my lamp at the same time so, bec...

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An American, Englishman and a Russian applied to be CIA agents.

They go through every single test and pass with flying colors. For their final test they are given a pistol and led inside a room with their wife tied to a chair and they have to kill her. The american goes into the room and comes out 5 minutes later.

-"I couldn't do it, I'm sorry." He says a...

Am Englishman, an American, and a German are on an expedition in the Amazon

Am Englishman, an American, and a German are on an expedition in the Amazon

They are captured by a tribe of natives. The chief says to them, "you must die for intruding our land. Where do you come from?"

The Englishman answers: "I'm from England". The chief decides: "Great! We make kid...

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An Englishman, a Frenchman and a New Yorker...

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a New Yorker are flying in a plane over the deep jungles of South America. The plane crashes in the jungle and the three men are captured by pygmy cannibals. The cannibal chief says, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we're going to boil you, eat you, and...

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An Englishman and an Irishman go out drinking one night....

The Englishman says to the Irishman, " listen paddy I wish I could stay out drinking with you but I'm skint."

Padd
y says, "aye George, I just spent my last few quid too.... but I've got an idea: go up and order two more drinks and a sausage and mash and tell them to put it on a tab." ...

An Englishman, and Irishman, and a Scotsman are drinking beer in a cabin.

An Englishman, and Irishman, and a Scotsman are drinking beer in a cabin. The Irishman says "Excuse me a second," and steps outside for a few minutes. When he comes back in, he's drenched from head to toe.
The Englishman asks, "Is it raining outside?"
The Irishman says, "No, it's windy."

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The aussies will understand

Three men are hiking in the Australian outback. One man is an Englishman, another is a Frenchman, and the other is an Aussie man. The men come across a beautiful lake and decide to take a swim. Once they get out they’re greeted by indigenous tribesmen. The leader of the tribe says to the men “you ha...

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Sex competition

An Englishman and a Spaniard are in a bar in Amsterdam at midnight when they start bragging to each other about their sexual escapades. After several minutes of back and forth, the Englishman challenges the Spaniard to a contest.
"We'll go to the nearest brothel and see how many times we can shag...

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and an Italian have all been captured by the KGB

The KGB grab the Frenchman and take him away to be tortured. He holds out for a few hours, but eventually he cracks and tells them everything.

Next they grab the Englishman. He too manages to hold out for a few hours, but then he can't take the pain any more and tells them what they want to ...

What's an Englishmans favourite steak?

Tea-bone

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A Englishman a Scotsman and an Irishman

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman was sitting in a bar talking about anniversary presents. The Englishman said: "You know, for my wife I bought two birthday presents, a necklace and a scarf, so that if she doesn't like the necklace maybe she'll like the scarf". "Ooh, that's very thoughtful o...

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