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BECOMING IRISH

Seven-year-old Mohammad entered his classroom in Dublin on the first day of school..


"What's your name?", asked the teacher.

"Mohammad," he replied.

"You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher,
"so from now on you will be known as Mick."

Mohammad returned hom...

What's Irish and stays outside all year long?

Paddy O'Furniture

What do you call a large gathering of Irish people?

Lepre-con

How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irish man ?

None

Fun fact! Irish soups only use 239 beans

If they used one more, it would be two-fahrty...

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A car full of Irish nuns

A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.

"Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think ...

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An Irish daughter (an oldie but goodie)

An Irish daughter had not been to the house for over five years. Upon her return, her father cussed her out, "Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't you know what you put...

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An Irish Skydiver

Paddy was telling Mick about his first sky-dive.

When I got to the door of the plane I just couldn't jump so the 6ft 7inch black instructor unzips his fly and says: 'If you don't jump you're getting this baby right up your arse!' "

Mick asks: "Did you jump?"

Paddy replies: "A l...

An Irish Whaler (Long)

There was once an Irish whaler. Like Ahab, he had a particular nemesis whom he had hunted most of his life. Old and gnarled, he declared one more quest to vanquish his foe before descending into his Mother Earth.

Unlike Ahab however, revenge was not his only motive. This particular whale a...

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A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop.

He thinks that he is
smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer
from LONDON and is certain that he has a
better education than any Irish cop. He decides
to prove this to himself and have some fun at
the Irish cop's expense.
Irish cop says,"License and registration,
please."
...

The MC at an Irish wedding made a toast. "Can all the married men please stand next to the one person who has made their lives meaningful".

...The bartender was subsequently crushed to death.

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut

The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?".

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks over at the bottle and says,...

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Two nuns are driving through the Irish countryside

It’s a nice Sunday afternoon, so they’re going pretty slow, just enjoying the scenery, when all of a sudden a man comes running across the road screaming. So the nun driving slams on the breaks, and the man jumps on the windshield and starts shrieking at the top of his lungs.

One of the nuns...

What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?

One less drunk.

What do you call an Irish baker?

A ginger bread man

What do you get when it’s saint Patrick’s day, your cake day, and you’re Irish?

Absolutely nothing.

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An Irish man walks into the pub

The bartender asks him: “What’ll you have?”

The man says: “Give me three pints of Guinness please.”

So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they’re gone. He then orders three more.

The bartender sa...

Every year on St Patrick’s Day Saint Patrick comes down out of Heaven and goes to an Irish pub.

This past St Patrick’s day he goes to Murphy’s local pub. Murphy walked in a see St Patrick sitting in the corner of the pub with his big green bishops hat, his green robes and his staff and he asks the bartender “Hey, is that St Patrick sitting in the corner?”

And the bartender says “Well ye...

An English man, Irish man and Scottish man

An English man, Irish man and Scottish man walk into a Bar


Those were the days

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Why do the Irish wear two condoms when having sex?

To be sure, to be sure

I'm going to teach you how to speak Irish in the spirit of diversity.

Say, "Whale oil beef hooked" quickly.


Bonus: for Australian say, "Good eye might."

Three Irish brothers were traveling in the country and walk into a bar to have a beer.

They take a seat at the bar and as the bartender gives them their pints, he says, "Listen fellas, you're not from round here, so I need to warn you about Ugly Tom. He is a very large unit and angers quickly. But he is a bit self conscious because he doesn't have any ears. He comes in here each ni...

An Irish lad just graduating school embarks on his career in business.

Found employment in a nice village. Being a bit of an introvert, took him a few months to venture into the local pub. Asked the bartender for 3 pints, and he took them back into a dark corner table, drank the 3 and left. After a few days, when he ordered his usual 3, the barkeep said "Ya know lad, I...

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Two Irish Couples

Two Irish couples decide to swap partners for the night.


After 3 hours of amazing sex, Brian says: "I wonder how the girls are getting on".

Irish drinking

A group of American tourists came in a pub in Cork, Ireland.

One of the Americans said, in a loud voice, -"I hear you Irish think you're great drinkers. I bet $5,000 that no one here can drink 20 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes."

The bar was silent, but the American noticed one Irishm...

No matter how improbable, there's a parallel universe with anything you can think of. Even one where the Irish invented rap.

It's how the universe achieves Homie O'Stasis

What do you call a drunk Irish guy who bounces off the walls?

Rick O’ Shea

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An Englishman, a Scottish man, and an Irish man walk into a bar with their wives...

They all order tea. The Englishman, wanting to be sweet, said to his wife, "Pass the sugar, sugar." The Scottish man, thinking the same, says to his wife, "Pass the honey, honey." The Irish man, not wanting to be outdone, says to his wife, "Pass the milk you fucking cow."

A Texan walks into an Irish bar...

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back to back."

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's of...

An English man ,a Scott’s man ,and an Irish man got on a plane.

The English man had a brick the Scott’s man had a knife and the Irish man had a bomb.
Midway through the flight the English man dropped his brick and when he got home he found his mother crying in the garden. He asked what is wrong and she said your dad was sitting in the garden and it hit him ...

A young Irish girl goes to confession...

...and says, “Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

The priest replies, “Go ahead, my child.”

“Well”, she says, “Last night I made love to me boyfriend... FIVE TIMES! And it was GLORIOUS, Father. He made me tingle all over, and I swear it was as though I was seein’ the stars in my pass...

The American and the Irish National

An American was driving from Dublin up to Northern Ireland. At the border a group of IRA members surrounded his car and the leader approached him.

The leader asked "Protestant or Catholic?"

Startled, the American thought quick and said "Actually I'm nondenominational!"

The IRA ...

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English man, Scottish man, Irish man, chatting about what par of their body would they change if they could.

English man: Simple I would change my dick, it's quite small.

Scottish man: Simple I would change my belly, it's quite fat.

Irish man: Simple I would change my bum, it's got a crack in it.

Irish Man

Irish man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.


He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the
preacher... The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell
of alcohol, whereupon he...

An English man, an Irish man and a German walks into a bar

They are arrested for breaking the quarantine

An Englishman and an Irishman go to a bakery. The Englishman steals three buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman: “That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn’t even see me.”

“That’s just simple thievery,” the Irishman replied. “I’ll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results.”

The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says: “Sir, I want to show you a magic trick.” The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magi...

An Irish man frees a genie from a bottle

The genie pops out and exclaims “3 wishes! Whatever you want I shall grant!”

The Irish man amazed at first says “I wish I had giant mug of beer!”

“Granted!” Says the genie and poof, the beer appears in front of the Irish man.

The Irish mans says “And I wish it would never run o...

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Heard this one from an Irish Veteran yesterday

Two nuns are getting changed in their room, as they undress they hear a knock at the door.
"Who is it?" The first nun asks, and the reply is:
"It's the blind man"
The first nun seems relieved and says
"oh sister it's ok, he's blind he won't see anything" and opens the door.
The bind...

Why do the Irish only put two hundred and thirty nine beans in their Irish bean soup?

Because one more and it would be too farty...

Why are Irish bankers so successful?

Because their capital's always Dublin.

hiw did the Irish potato become bilingual?

He became a French Fry

Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, recently received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.

On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.

"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.

Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.

There's...

Irish Divorce

The mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase. "What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously.

“What happened?? I'll tell you what happened! I sent an e-mail to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fi...

A group of 6 Irish professors and researchers walk into a bar one night...

They have a good old-time drinking, discussing theory, students and their mistakes, current research ideas, and anything and everything in between.

One researcher, who appears to be the leader of this group, orders a round of drinks for everyone and introduces himself to the barkeep as Arthu...

How do you teach an American an Irish accent

Say the following words:

Whale.

Oil.

Beef.

Hooked.

One more time. . .

Now say them all together fast.

(Heard on NPR yesterday)

Why do the Irish wear shamrocks?

Real rocks are too heavy.

I just got scammed by an Irish cat, but I should have known..

It was your classic Leopard con

Irish Cop and a Flasher

*Said best with alternating Irish accents*

One day an old Irish beat cop on the streets of Belfast is arresting a flasher for the 25th time. He says, Angus, I’ve arrested you 25 times over the years, once a year for every year I’ve been a beat cop, but I’m retiring this month and I think you ...

What do you call your Irish boyfriend who buys you anything you want?

Sugar Paddy

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A little Irish boy was sitting on the side of the road crying when an man walks by...

...The man says to the boy, "Whats the matter son?"

"My father just passed away," the boy replied.

"Oh lord that is terrible. Would you like me to call Father Fitzpatrick?"

"Oh, no" says the boy, "sex is the last thing I want right now."

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An Irish guy, A Scot and British dude walk into a pub...

They all sit down and each orders a pint. Just then 3 flies swoop down and land in each one of their beers.
The British gent, thoroughly disgusted turns his nose up and pushes the beer away.
The Scot picks up the fly, looks at it, shrugs and continues to take a swig.
The Irishman see the fl...

Just a reminder that Irish puns on St. Patrick's Day don't just shame you...

They Seamus all.

What’s the difference between an Irish-American and someone born in Ireland?

One’s been to Ireland.

So a German, an Englishman and an Irishman

were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when they were arrested by Saudi police. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to app...

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A wealthy Texan oil tycoon made his way to Ireland one day

as he walked into an Irish pub there he made a declaration to all them that were in the room. He pulled out a wad of five-thousand dollars in cash and placed it on the bar. He said, " I hear you Irish can drink, so I put to you the challenge that not one of y'all can drink five hundred shots back to...

Have you heard of the Irish exorcism that happened recently?

The demon had to pull the priest out of the little boy.

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Seamus is at the pub with a row of whiskey shots lined up in front of him, looking depressed as ever.

A newcomer to the small town, looking to make friends, sits down next to Seamus and asks him what's wrong.
 
Without looking at the newcomer, Seamus downs a shot and in his thick Irish brogue says "I've lived in this town me whole life. You see the sidewalk out front? I laid every brick with m...

An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman and a Welshman were riding in a hot-air balloon.

The balloon was about to crash into a mountain, so the pilot says to them, "We need to lose more weight to get clear. One of you has to jump" So the Scotsman says "I do this for the glory of Scotland!" and he jumps out of the basket.

But the balloon wasn't high enough yet. "We need to lose m...

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On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his Mercedes into a petrol station in a remote part of Irish countryside.

Pump attendant who knows absolutely nothin about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner, completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.

As he does so, two ...

What do you call a Northern Irish dog?

A Tiocfaidh ár lábrador

An Irish Republican Army soldier lies on his death bed.

One day, an IRA soldier lies on his death bed, dying of cancer. It's spread too far and couldn't be stopped. The doctor gave him his diagnosis, and only three days to live.

"Quick Moira," he says to his loving wife. "Enroll me as a member of the Ulster Volunteer Force."

"But why?" She...

What did the Irish Redditor say to the leprechaun after it got hit by a car bomb?

Wow, that blew up! Thanks for the gold kind stranger!

Daniel, an Irish lad goes to confession.

Daniel: Forgive me father, for I have sinned

Priest: Tell me son, what transgressions have you committed?

Daniel: I took liberties with a young lass without being married.

Priest: You'll tell me right now, who this young lady is.

Daniel: I'm sorry father, that would be un...

An English man and an Irish man are driving head-on, at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast

for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Englishman goes to the boot and fe...

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English Man, Irish Man and a Scotsman chatting.

English man says, in my local pub, you buy one drink you get 2 free.

Scotsman says, in my local pub you buy 2 drinks you get 5 free.

Irish man says that is nothing, in my local pub, you buy one drink and you are treated to free drink all night long, and afterwards you go to a room and ...

Two Irish men walk out of a bar...

...yes, it happens

Why do Catholics and Irish people always fail trigonometry?

Because the catholics are afraid of Sin and the Irish people can't Tan.

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A poor Irish family...

A poor Irish family lives on a farm and they rely on their single cow for income.

One morning, the father walks outside to find their cow dead.

"There is nothing that could help get us out of poverty now," says the dad as he shoots himself.

The mom walks outside and sees the dad...

An old Irish saying about worrying.

There are only two things in life to worry about: if you are well or if you are sick. If you are well, there is nothing to worry about.

If you are sick, there are only two things to worry about: if you will get better or if you will die. If you get better, there is nothing to worry about. ...

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A backpacker is traveling through Ireland when it starts to rain.

He decides to wait out the storm in a nearby pub. The only other person at the bar is an older man staring at his drink. After a few moments of silence the man turns to the backpacker and says in a thick Irish accent:

"You see this bar? I built this bar with my own bare hands. I cut down ever...

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'

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gotta love the irish:)

A sobbing Ms Murphy approaches Fr O’Grady after mass.

He says: “So what’s bothering you?”

She replies: “Oh, Father, I’ve terrible news. My husband passed away last night.”

The priest says: “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Did he have any last requests?”

"Certainly father," she...

Drunks

Drunk guy: "Here's hoping you're in Heaven ten minutes before
the devil knows you're dead!"

Drunk girl: "What's that mean?"

Drunk guy: "It's an Irish toast."

Drunk girl: "Oh. Well, here's to bread, eggs and cinnamon."

Drunk guy: "Huh?"

Drunk girl: "That's

Two plus sized woman walk into a bar

At the bar sits a drunken Irish man. As the two women approach, the Irish man sees them and exclaims: "Ah, two fine lassies from Ireland!"
Defiantly, one responds "It's Wales!"
The man corrects himself, "Ah, two fine whales from Ireland!"

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Irish woman and the milkman

Little old Irish woman is sitting on her porch waiting for the milkman. He arrives and drops off her milk. She says “Oh thank you, but for next time could you bring me 500 pints of milk?”

“500 pints of milk?!!” the man says, “Whatcha need 500 pints of milk fer?!”

The old woman says “...

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An Irish Painter

An Irish painter by the name of Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar,
was a gifted portrait artist.

Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all
over Ireland were coming to the town of Miltown in County Clare, to
get him to paint their likenesses.

One ...

An Englishman, A Scotsman and an Irish man are running away from a murder

They run into a bar and say to the bartender “quick, we need somewhere to hide, there’s a man trying to kill us!”

The bartender says “there are some sacks in the cellar, hide in them, just pretend to be what was in them before you emptied them.”

So they run downstairs to hide in the sa...

more irish:)

The barman lines up shots and goes to get the Guinness.

When he comes back with the pint, all seven shots are gone.

The barman says: “Wow! You sure drank those fast.”

Paudie explains: "You would drink fast too if you had what I have.”

The barman asks: “What do you have?”<...

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Didn't like shopping there anyway

Yesterday I was at my local TESCO’ store buying a large bag of Winalot dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout
queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? On impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Winalot ...

An Irish Man Walks Into A Bar...

...and stumbles to the bartender. “Barkeep, Oi’ll have a point”, he slurs.

The bartender looks him over critically. “A pint? Sorry sir, but I can’t serve you. You’re clearly too drunk.”

The Irish man scrunches his eyebrows, peers at the barkeep, turns around and trips out the front doo...

The Priest & The Frog...

"One fine sunny morning, the Irish priest took a walk in the local forest. He had been walking by the small stream when he noticed a sad, sad looking frog sitting on a toadstool."

"What's wrong with you?" said the irish priest."

"Well," said the frog, "the reason I am so sad on this fi...

So before the Irish, there were the Ir

not to say that the Irish aren't like the Ir. They're just Ir-ish

A Scotsman and Irishman walk into a bar...

As they walk in the Scotsman proclaims loudly for all to hear “Drinks for the house, on me!”

The next day in the newspaper the headlines reads ‘Irish ventriloquist found beaten to death”

2 Irish men get the idea to sell crocodile shoes

2 Irish men get the idea to sell crocodile shoes after seeing an expensive pair in a Dublin City shop.

They fly to Africa, set up beside a notorious crocodile infested lake and go to work.

After a long day the 2 men have left a long line of dead crocodiles all along the lake shore.
...

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Must have been the Irish orchestra.

For Bruce Shackett

A prominent orchestra was performing Beethoven's Ninth Symphony. At one point in the final movement of the symphony, there is a long stretch--over 20 minutes--where the bass violins don't play a note. So, rather than just sit there, the section leader suggested that they sn...

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A British, a Irish, a American, and a Mexican are on the plane...

But their plane has too much weight, it needs to lose some stuff. The British says, "my country has lots of tea!" so throws the tea off the plane. The Irish says "my country has lots of potatoes" so throws the potatoes off the plane. The American throws the Mexican off the plane and says "this basta...

An old Irish woman wins the lottery...

...and decides to to indulge herself with a milk bath, so she calls her local dairyman.
“I’d like to order meself some milk”
“How much will ye be needing?”
“I suppose, I’ll need enough to fill me bath tub.”
“Shouldn’t be more than 200 liters I’d guess.”
“My word! That’s more than I th...

I, being an Irish Catholic, decided it was time to cleanse my soul.

I went into the confessional box after many years of being away from the Catholic Church.

Inside, I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.

On one wall, there was a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses. On the other wall was a dazzling array...

An Irish woman is cleaning her husband's rifle and accidentally shoots him.

She calls the hospital and says "It's my fooken husband, I've accidentally shot him, I've fooken killed him."

The operator says "Please, calm down ma'am. Can you first make sure he is actually dead?"

\*Click\*... Bang!

"OK, I've done that. What now?"

What's the opposite of an Irish Goodbye?

Brexit

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident...

an Irish man answered his door to find a grim-faced constable waiting in the front yard.  "We're sorry, Mr. O' Flynn, but we have some information about your dear wife, Maureen" said the officer.

"Tell me! Did you find her?" Michael Patrick O'Flynn asked. The constable said, "I have some bad...

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An old Irish Catholic is on his deathbed

An old Irish Catholic is on his deathbed, and while his family gather round him he asks one of his sons to do him a favour.

"Son" he says, "Bring me a Protestant Vicar".

"But why father, why would you want a Protestant Vicar?" Asks the son.

The old man insists and the Vicar is d...

How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

None

A drunk Irishman sees two women at the bar.

Irishman: You two ladies from England?

Girl: No, Wales.

Irishman: You two whales from England?

What's Irish and sits on the porch?

Paddy O'furniture

(Shanelessly stolen off a sign in College Station, TX)

What is even more Irish than a potato?

No potato.

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A Japanese man walks into a bar and claims he is actually very irish.

Bartender says, "oh! My daughter loves your music!"

My family tells "guy with no arms and no legs" jokes all the time. Know any?

A few to get started:

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in front of your door? Matt

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in shallow water? Wade

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in the open ocean? Bob

What do you call a guy with no a...

Why does Irish chili only have 239 beans?

Because anymore and it'd be too farty.

why are irish men so rich?

because their capital is dublin

A ship with 300 Irish men sunk

But the newspapers a couple of days later, claimed 600 drowned.
Why?
The other 300 drowned in the re enactment.

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A nun walks into a liquor store...

(Note: for greatest comedic effect, all dialogue must be read in a bad Irish accent.)

A nun walks into a liquor store, selects a bottle of whiskey, and brings it to the counter. The store owner is shocked she would do such a thing. "Oh, Sister Mary," he says, "what are you doing?"

"It'...

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are walking along the beach one day and come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it.

"I give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total" says the Genie.
The Irishman says "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I wish all the oceans to be full of fish for all eternity and a fleet of fishing boats to catch them."
So, wit...

An American walks into an Irish bar.

While on vacation, an American walks into an Irish pub and orders a drink. After a minute he says out loud, "I'll bet anyone in here $1,000 if they can take 10 shots of Jameson in a row, without stopping or vomiting." The bar gets quiet except for one man who gets up and walks out. The American laug...

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An English and an Irish farmer are arguing at their fence over Politics when along comes a chicken and lays an egg right on the fence boundary.

The English farmer exclaims "It's my egg, because it's my Chicken", and the Irish farmer replies with "Well, the egg is mostly on my side of the fence, so it's mine". They argue back and forth about an hour, until the Irish farmer comes up with a solution.

"To see who the strongest farmer is...

How many Irish men does it take to change a light bulb?

One but he has to be drunk so the room spins around while he holds the lightbulb.

Why was the Irish bank teller happy?

Because his capital's Dublin.

(hope this isn't a repost)

An Irish man frees a genie

and happy to be released from his confinement, the genie grants him 3 wishes.

The Irishman thinks about it, and says "I want me a pint of Guinness that is never empty."

So *poof* a pint appears, filled to the rim with the rich brown drink. The man drinks it down, and when he places it...

I was talking to an Irish guy on the train.

He told that back in his hometown once he had met the most wealthiest man in all of Ireland.

I said "Oh, really?"

He said, "No, O'Reilly!"

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My favorite uncle told this joke about a week before he passed away. He did it with a thick Irish brogue.

A priest and a nun were talking and the priest said, “Sister, if you hadn’t been a nun what do think you would have been?” The nun thought for a minute and said, “If I hadn’t been a nun I probably would have been a prostitute.” The priest was shocked and said, “Now sister I don’t think I heard you q...

What's an Irish swimmer's favorite stroke?

Margaret Thatcher's.

Two Irishmen walk past a shop window with a sign in it that says, ‘Suits £2 Shirts £1.50!!!’

One Irishman nudges the other with excitement and says, “We are going to make our fortune here today”, and they enter the shop excitedly.

They walk up to the counter and one of the Irishmen says “Can we get 50 suits and 50 shirts please?”

The lady behind the counter looks at them with...

Three Irish guys chatting:

First says, I think my wife is having an affair with an electrician, I came home and under the bed was a pair of wire cutters.

Second one says, I think my wife is having an affair with a plumber, I came home and under the bed was a wrench.

Third one says, I think my wife is having an a...

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An Irish girl tells her mother that she decided to become a prostitute.

Mom: You want to be a WHAT?

Daughter: Prostitute.

Mom: Oh thank God. I thought you said Protestant.

Why do you never see an Irish lawyer?

Because an Irishman will never pass the bar.

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