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A Russian, an American, and a British admiral were having a drink on an American aircraft carrier. They were talking about the bravery of their sailors

.

The Russian said, “I will demonstrate the bravery of our sailors.”

He calls a sailor over and says, “Jump off the ship. Swim under it and climb back up.”

The sailor promptly salutes and jumps off the flight deck, swims under the ship, climbs up the davits and stands in front o...

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said...

"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."

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An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian.....

.... an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Camer...

If pronouncing b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian

Then Soviet

The Russian doll that I got for my birthday has a terrible personality

It’s so full of itself

Russian emergency !

Russian President Putin called President Trump with an emergency:

"Our largest condom factory has exploded," the Russian President cried.

"My people's favorite form of birth control. This is a true disaster!"

"Mr. Putin, the American people would be happy to do anything within t...

I proposed my russian girlfriend and she said yes

For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home town of Moscow.

It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, "You may now kiss the bride", but I just assumed it was purely an American thing and didn't mind.
...

If you're a Russian going into the bathroom, and you're Finnish leaving the bathroom, what are you while you're in the bathroom?

European.

What do you call a Russian Starbucks

Tsarbucks

One round of Russian roulette gives you better-than-even odds of surviving, but consequences of not surviving is....

Mind Blowing!

What do you call a Russian cat that interrupts a movie?

A blue-purr.

Curtesy of my 9 year old joke writer.

Did you hear about the Russian man who got turned into a chevy?

They call him Vlad the Impala.

Where do Russians buy their coffee?

Tsarbucks

A Saudi Prince wants to buy a bull, so he goes to see a famous Russian bovine breeder.

The Russian tells him, "I have many good animal. Here is Swedish bull, is born black color, but color turns white when grows."

"Over there is American bull. Color when born is red, but become dark brown when full grown."

"And here, Turkish bull. They is born dark brown, but grow up to ...

What's the difference between Russian Roulette and Polish Roulette?

In Polish Roulette you use an automatic.

Did you hear about the angry russian?

He was pistov.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Russian are in an art gallery

They are looking at a painting of Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden.

"Look at how reserved and calm they are," the Englishman says, "they would definitely be English."

"They are naked and beautiful, they would have to be French." The Frenchmen counters.

The Russian speaks up, "...

A Russian cop wants to get a breathalyzer.

A Russian cop wants to get a breathalyzer like the Western cops have to deal with drunk drivers. He asks his superior for one and his superior says "Sorry comrade. We have no money."

The cop decides to go to a local black market where he buys a condom.

He stops the first driver and sa...

What is the difference between an American health care worker running out of PPE, and a Russian healthcare worker running out of PPE?

At least the American doesn't need a parachute too!

What do you call it when a Russian emperor uses irony to mock someone?

Tsarcasm

A Russian man walks into a bar and sits down, the bartender asks him what he wants and the man replies ‘a pint of beer please’

The bartender goes up to him a first places a cup coaster and then a pint of beer on top.

Few minutes later, the man asks for the same thing, so the bartender goes up to him places a cup coaster and then the pint on top.

Once again, few minutes later the man asks for another pint. The...

Where do Russian Muslims go to prayer?

Mosque O

I have a Russian friend who's a sound technician

And a Czech one too. And a Czech one too.

Old Russian joke. Russia has 2 major problems: roads and idiots. One of them can be solved by a road roller...

But it's impossible to figure out what to do with roads.

A Russian, went to USA for an eye check up.

The Doctor shows the letters on the board: CZWXNQSTAZKY

Doctor: Can you read this ?

Russian: Read ??? I even know this guy, he’s my cousin.

So there was an American and a Russian arguing.

Then the American said “Look, in my country I can complain about the government. I can walk into the Oval Office, pound my fist on the President’s Desk and say ‘Mr. President, I don’t like the way you’re running our country’”

The Russian said “I can do the same thing” The American was stunned...

Russian Roulette...

5 out of 6 people find it to be completely harmless.

What do you call russian snowmen?

Snow-viets!

I was 12 don’t hurt me

Russia has identified the first Russian to be diagnosed with coronavirus.

Ivan Chestikoff.

A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job."

The German doctor replies: "That's nothing,
in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for a job."

The Russian doctor replies: "Gentlemen, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for a job."
...

What is the difference between Russian roulette and Soviet roulette?

In Soviet roulette everyone dies equally

Which Russian author never paid his respects?

Dusty F Key

Russian computer: "Enter password"

**Me:** "Beef stew"

**Russian computer:** "Password not stroganoff"

I have been studying Russian with my friends and i realized we change b's into v's in the accent

My friends ask me if i still want to study russian and i said "If being russian makes my b's into v's then soviet."
I was shot down by the FBI the next day.

Russian to get to the punchline

Why was Putin late for the party he was PUTIN on some makeup!

Why was Stalin late for the party he was STALIN for time!

Why was Lenin late for the party he was waiting for his LENIN to dry!

Why was Trotsky late for the party he got into a car crash.

I got a Russian Uber driver today.

His name was Pickup Andropov!!..

What do you call a religious Russian hacker that leaks your private information?

Orthodoxxer.

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A German, a Russian and an American are trying to see who can teach a cat to eat mustard.

The German grabs the cat and showed the mustard down the cat's throat.
"That's abuse!" - Protest the Russian and the American.
Next, the American puts mustard and a hot dog and feeds it to the cat.
"That's deception!" - Protest the German and the Russian.
Finally, the Russian grabs the ...

A Frenchman, and Englishman, and a Soviet are admiring a painting of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.

The Frenchman says, “They must be French, they’re naked and they’re eating fruit.”

The Englishman says, “Clearly, they’re English; observe how politely the women is offering fruit to the man.”

The Soviet replies, “No, they are Russian communists, of course. They have no house, ...

Silly Russian joke

Flight attendant is making an announcement:
*-Is there an anesthesiologist on board?*
Some bloke says:
*-I am anesthesiologist!*
The flight attended tells him to come to seat 12A. He comes to the seat 12A and there is another bloke pouring vodka into plastic cups. He says:
*...

History's biggest irony is that the Russian alphabet has no lowercase letters

It's all Capitalization.

An American is calling his Russian friend in the middle of winter.

"Dude I don't get it how you can stand such cold."

"It's not that bad. And we're used to it."

"Still. I saw on TV it's like -70° where you live? Crazy!"

"What? Nyet. It's maybe -30°. Not bad at all."

"Even that would be way too cold for me!"

"Haha you get used to i...

Who has a better personal protection, Russians or Americans?

Russians.

Here is a joke from the 1980′s.

Gorbachev and Reagan meet at the Grand Canyon to discuss security.

They start to argue about who has the better personal security. Naturally, Gorbachev says that he does, and Reagan says “No”, he does. So they go outside to settle this...

Three guys are at a bar, a Brit, a German, and a Russian...

The Brit says, "Our healthcare is so advanced we can transplant an entire spine and have the patient up and looking for work in 7 weeks!"

The German says, "Well we can do a complete heart transplant and the patient will be up looking for work in less than four weeks!"

The Russian say...

I asked my Russian friend today, if he is afraid of the corona virus.

He said "no! I have the antidote!" I said, really? What is it? He said "its vodka!" I didn't believe and said, vodka kills the virus? He said "no, but it kills the fear!"

I once watched a documentary about a Russian leader who ruled the Soviet Union and led the Red Terror genocide...

...I thought it was about their current president but it turns out, he's not that Vlad.

If I were American, I'd vote Bernie...

But I'm Russian, so I'm voting Trump

I told my son to stop playing Russian roulette, but you know how it is with kids...

In one ear, out the other!

A German, a Russian and an American man died and went to the gates of heaven.

Because throughout the entirety of their lives they have been entirely good and compassionate men, St. Peter decided to reward them somehow. He told them that he cannot send them back to earth to live again, but he could return them as any kind of object they want, to stay among the living. All thre...

Why shouldn't you wear Russian Y-fronts?

Because Chernobyl fallout

A Russian, A Communist and a Spy Walk walk into a bar

he orders a drink

A Russian is going to the Ukraine

As a Russian prepares to cross the Ukrainian border, the border guard asks, “Occupation?”

“No,” says the Russian. “Just visiting.”

One my Russian wife told me

Doesn't translate perfectly but still pretty funny.

Kid: Dad what would you do if you won a million dollars in the lottery?

Dad: Pay off debts.

Kid: What about the rest?

Dad: They can wait.

Told my wife she reminds me of a Russian Doll

She said “because of my beautiful skin?”

I said “No, you’re full of yourself.”

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A Russian and an American get into an Argument

A Russian and an American get into an argument about who has more rights, the American says he got alot more rights, and tells the Russian that he can go to the White House and talk shit about the president and no one will do anything to him


The Russian replies with the fact that he can ...

My brother is great in Russian roulette!

He only lost once

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An old Russian Communist is on his deathbed.

His friends are gathered around him all somber. The old man turns to one of them and says,

"Vasya, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me."

"Oh, no worries buddy." says Vasya.

The Communist then ...

American, Frenchman, and a Russian Desert Genie

I searched and found this one only posted once and I think the punchline lacked compared to the way my Russian processor told it.

A Frenchman, an American, and a Russian find themselves lost in the desert with no hope of rescue. One of them spots a glimmer in the distance and they all rush to...

What would a 19th century Russian sci-fi be called?

Tsar Wars.

What did the Russian say when he lost the argument against communism?

Soviet

Russian history in 5 words:

"And then things got worse."

Why do Russians put glasses on before applying for jobs?

So that vacancy.

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What drink should you have before initiating sex with a Russian woman?

You have 2 Putin Cider.

How do russians drink pepsi?

Gulag gualg gualg

A Russian enters a bar full of Turkish people.

He's wearing a t-shirt with bright lettering "Turkish got 3 problems."

Just a few seconds later the Turkishs oppose him and say "Hey, yopu know what you're wearing is insulting?"
The russian responds: "This is your first problem: You're so easily offended."

The Turkish respond: "Oka...

What did the Russian man say to his friend?

Probably something nice. I don’t know, I don’t speak Russian

Why did the Russian kid finish his homework so fast?

Because he was Rushin.

In America, they call it Russian Roulette. In Russia,

We just call it roulette.

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Who is the only homosexual Russian to be knighted by the Queen of England?

Sergei

Trump chats with russians

Trump: Hey Russia, have you heard about rigma?

Russia: No, what’s rigma?

Trump: RIGMA ELECTION

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Won a game of Russian roulette

Walked away with $80 but their casinos are a shit hole

A pair of Nuclear Missle operators, one American, one Russian, had a one-night stand.

When they parted, each told the other, "I'll miss you."

Why do Russian like to procrastinate?

Because they’re always Stalin

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A Russian spy, a sexual predator and a billionaire walks into a bar.

Bartender says, "What can I get you Mr. President.?"

How do you say "fat woman" in Russian?

Mos-cow

Double Positives

An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a nega...

3 men are bragging about their countries

The American speaks first.

"Our missiles are so advanced that they cannot be detected by radar!"

"Ha," said the Russian. "Our missiles are so powerful that they can level Washington in 1 hit!"

"That's nothing," said the German. "Our missiles can hit Paris before France surrender...

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America buys a rocket from the Russians

As they start working on it, it stops working. They call the Russians and they say they will send their best technician.

The tech arrives and gives the rocket a look, presses a button and the rocket hums to life, ready for work. He gives the Americans the bill

"10k?!?! For a single but...

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Russian soldier

The US and Russia have gone to war.  Several rowdy American soldiers have taken a Russian soldier as,a POW. After several days of failing to extract any useful intelligence, the soldier is told that if he can perform three tasks he will be set free but if he fails then he will face firing squad. 1st...

What do you call a Russian who's had both of his legs amputated?

0-leg

In 1910 a Russian man was ranting and raving about Tsar Nicolas II

“Nicolas is an idiot! Nicolas is a moron!” He shouted in the streets.

He was arrested by the police for defaming the monarch and quickly denied his remarks.

“I meant another Nicolas!”

The police replied, “If you said idiot you were most definitely talking about the Tsar.”

How does the Russian space program keep things tied together?

With Cosmonauts!

Three Russians are in a gulag...

The first man asks the second, "So, why are you here?"

The second man replies, "I'm here because I criticised the former Premier"

The first man is confused and says, "that's strange; I'm here because I spoke out in *favour* of the former Premier"

They then turn to the third man ...

Did you hear the joke about the Russian Dolls?

You probably won't get it. It's an inside joke.

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My girlfriend and I played Russian Roulette once

We had sex afterwards even though she lost

I reckon I have a lucky gene for russian roulette

My grandad played all the time and he only lost once.
I'll bet my life on it.

An American, an Indian, and a Russian got in Hell and plead to the Devil that they don't belong here. The Devil, bored, makes them an offer: "I will strike you 3 times with my whip, and if you survive, I'll let you go. You can use anything you want as a shield".

The American goes first. He builds a high-tech shield from depleted uranium and composites, and hides behind it. The Devil strikes once - the shield cracks; twice - the shield falls apart; thrice - the American is no more.

Next goes the Indian. He puts himself in some advanced Yoga position ...

Where do Russian cows go to gather moss?

Moscow.

A man dies and goes to hell.

Once there, he finds that there is a different hell for each country, so he tries to seek out the least painful one.

At the door to German Hell, he is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes ...

If you’re Russian to go to the bathroom and you’re Finish when you’re done, what are you doing in there?

European

An American man, a Russian man and a Chinese man are in a car...

They reach an unmarked intersection and stop to decide where they should continue.

The American man scoffs: "I'm for pure capitalism, and that's right-wing. We'll turn right!"

The Russian frowns: "Communism is the natural order, and that's left-wing. We shall turn left!"

The Chi...

What do you call a Russian on a cracker?

Putin on the ritz

What is the name of Haddaway's Russian cousin?

Vadislav

My Hungarian boss' favorite joke

In the midst of the Cold War, the CIA sends its best spy into Russia. He has spent the last 10 years learning how to blend in with the locals. He speaks perfect Russian, he can dance the kalinka better than anyone, and he can drink an entire bottle of vodka without batting an eyelash. As soon as he'...

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A Russian goes to Thailand

A Russian goes to Thailand and is hanging out with the locals. He asks if they've ever played Russian roulette.


"We have our own version. There are six women. You pick one, and she gives you a blowjob."


"What's the danger in that?"


"One of them is a man."

Putin calls the head of a Russian space program to his office:

*Putin* - We need to increase prestige of motherland! Send a man to the Sun!
*Head of space program* - Ummm, but Sun is a star mine president... it’s burning and they will burn to death there!
*Putin* - Do you think I’m an idiot?! Launch them at night!

A farmer is trying to grow hydroponic potatoes, but he starts them in test tubes. This results in the potatoes being long with a round bulge at the top, so they look like male genitals.

The farmer tries to sell them to anyone and eventually even posts them online, where he surprisingly starts getting more orders than he can fill; and all from Russia. He’s surprised but grows another batch and they sell out again. He starts worrying there might be something illegal going on so he go...

I once saw a group of Communists.

They were playing Soviet Russian Roulette. It's like regular Russian Roulette, except that everyone dies equally.

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