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Russian Jokes

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What do you call a horny Russian woman?

Ivana Sukhimoff

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Putin: How much of the Russian population want to kill me?

His advisor: About half.

Putin: Only half? That's a relief. The other half support me, then?

His advisor: The other half want to live long enough to piss on your grave.

Russian prime minister Medvedev comes to Putin and nervously tells him to abolish time zones.

" I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep. I woke you up at 4AM but I thought it was only evening. - I call Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it yesterday. - I wish the Chinese President a happy New Year, and he says it will be tomorrow."
<...

What did the Russian billionaire say when checking in at a hotel?

I'd like a room on the first floor, please.

How do you stop a Russian tank?

Shoot the soldiers pushing it.

Russian dolls.

They are so full of themselves.

I bought a Russian advent calendar.

Every time you open a window an oligarch falls out.

A Russian Tourist Travels Abroad.

Border guard: Nationality?

Tourist: Russian.

Border guard: Occupation?

Tourist: No, no, just visiting this time.

Why do Russian policemen go around in threes?

One who can read.

One who can write.

And one to keep an eye on the intellectuals.

Me: "When we were little, my brothers and I used to play Russian roulette." Friend: "You don't have any brothers."

Me: "Right."

The best part about being Russian, is getting to vote in American elections.

Which is nice, because we never get to vote in our own.

What do Europeans facing high gas prices and Russian men have in common?

They both fear a draft

What should Ukrainian soldiers paint on captured Russian tanks?

Ctrl-

An American, a French and a Russian are chatting in a restaurant.

The American woman says:
- I once told my husband that I was not his housewife and that I would not do laundry for him all the time. He left the house. I don't see a him for day, for two, for three, on the forth day he came back with a washing machine.
The Frenchwoman says:
- And I once...

How do Ukrainian snipers tell which Russians are the senior officers?

The number of stripes on their tracksuits.

Joke I heard on a Russian political discussion show.

Do honest politicians exist?
Of course! But they are the most expensive!

The only game Chuck Norris has ever lost was Russian Roulette.

He’s lost a few times, actually.

A Russian had a talking parrot that constantly trashed Putin. When the man's friends came over he'd take out the parrot and bird would stuff like "Putin is a moron", "Putin without a shirt looks like a ballerina", and "Putin cannot swim cuz sh!t floats". one day banging on the door, "KGB open up!"

The man panics and hides the parrot in the freezer. The KGB ransack the house and can't find the parrot. After they leave the man takes the parrot out of the freezer and says "you see how stupid the government is". The parrot shaking start saying "Putin is a genius", and "Putin is the best democrati...

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The British, American and Russian intelligence services have a spy-off

The rules are simple: a rabbit is released into a forest, and whoever finds and brings it back the fastest, wins.

The Brit goes first. He first phones some arborial informants, then dons a disguise: sporting a pair of bunny ears, a fluffy tail sticking out of his ass, skimpy black dress, full...

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The Russian conscript

Ivan had just been conscripted to fight in Ukraine. As part of his basic training he had to participate in a war game. The day of the war game, Ivan realised he had misplaced his rifle, so he went to his Lieutenant: “ Lieutenant, I lost my rifle. What am I going to use for the war games?”
“I don’...

Putin declares all Russian government computers must be Macs

Rumor has it that he's scared to go near Windows.

Some Russian anti-war jokes

1. "Partial mobilization" is when you are drafted in whole, and returned back in parts.

2. "Dad, why are we hauled off to the trenches?" "I don't know, son, I'm not into politics."

3. For a long time, the government told us, "if you don't like Russia, go to another country." Now they t...

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What do you call a knighted Russian homosexual?

Sergei

Russian Tanks

"What's the difference between a Russian tank and a Hoover vacuum cleaner? "

"The Russian tank has 4 dirt-bags in it."


Apparently this joke comes from an OLD soviet-era General who apparently liked to tell it almost any time he gave a speeches to his NATO counterparts.

Russian soldier is walking in only one shoe. Somebody asks: Did you lost one?

No, I've found one

A Ukrainian prisoner of war is being interrogated by a Russian officer.

During their conversation, the Ukrainian notices that the Officer has only one boot.

He asks, “Did you lose a boot?”

The Russian replies “Nyet. I found a boot”

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A Russian communist is lying on his deathbed

His friends are gathered around him all somber. The old man turns to one of them and says,

"Dimitri, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me."

"Oh, no worries buddy," says Dimitri.

The Commu...

A Russian comes home after fishing trip

A Russian comes home after fishing trip and hears the news that Russia is at war. He asks another Russian what is going on, and he tells him:

"We are at war with NATO!"

"Oh wow, how many troops have been lost?"

"Well, we have lost 45,000 troops, almost 2000 tanks, a thousand art...

Some say...

Some say that the average Russian soldier is two feet taller than the average Ukrainian solder. Others say that raised arms don't count.

Putin, Obama and Merkel stand at the sea

Putin presents a submarine, saying: "This best russian technology! Our submarines stay 1 month under water without ever need to go surface!"

Obama smiles and says:
"This is our submarine... It can stay up to 3 months under water, no need to emerge even one time!"

Merkel stands next...

An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Russian...

...are in The Louvre, looking at a painting of Adam and Eve.

"Behold!" says the Englishman. "Their resolve in adversity. Their stoicism. They must be English!".

"Nonsense!" cries the Frenchman. "Look at them. They are elegant. They are poised. They are beautiful. Surely they must b...

What do Russians call it when there is no internet?

Inter-nyet

Why do the Russians put Z on all their military vehicles?

Because sooner or later they will all belong to Zelensky

A Russian general walks into a room to see Vladimir Putin crying at a table.

A Russian general walks into a room to see Vladimir Putin crying at a table.

"Comrade President! What is wrong?"

"I've been working on this jigsaw puzzle from America all morning, but I can't get any of the pieces to fit!"

"Da, Vlad, I see. Everything will be OK. Why don't we...

A woman is flirting with a Russian man at a bar(a joke)

She says,


"Hi, handsome, what do you do for a living?"


The Russian replies,


"I work for KGB."


"Cool, tell me an interesting story!"


"About me or about you?"

There are some Russian soldiers marching

They hear a voice shout from over a hill,

“I bet one Ukrainian can beat ten Russians!”

The Russian sergeant, thinking that it would be easy, sent ten men over the hill to fight. They heard a fighting and noise. No Russian soldiers came back. After a minute they heard the voice again,...

A battalion of Russian soldiers were marching through Ukraine..

From behind a huge pile of rubble they hear a faint yell.

"One Ukrainian soldier can kill 10 Russian soldiers!"

The Russian colonel laughs, then sends 10 of his soldiers over the pile. After a short battle and the ensuing silence, another yell:

"One Ukrainian soldier can take ou...

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An American and a Russian die and go to Hell... (Long)

They are met at the gates by Satan, who offers them a choice: They can either go to American Hell or Russian Hell.

Both new arrivals are curious as to what the difference is, so Satan explains that in American Hell you are free to do whatever you want; you'll find that we have all the finest...

A lost dog wanders through the jungle. In the distance a lion sees him and whispers: "I'm going to eat him, I have never seen anything like that before."

The lion then began to approach the dog in a threatening manner. When the dog realized this, he panicked, but as he tried to run away, he saw a bone nearby, and he got the idea to speak out loud. "Lion meat is delicious!"

The lion suddenly stopped and said: "Wow, this guy is stronger than he...

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Guide for Russian troops: How to identify Ukrainians

Sometimes Ukrainian saboteurs try to pass off as Russian troops. The easiest way to identify them is to remove their pants and examine their genitalia. All Ukrainians have balls of steel. Even women.

Why did the Russian oligarch sign up for the draft?

Because going to the front line was safer than trying to open his hotel room window.

Many people recognize that the Russian flag is an homage to the French flag.

But did you know their military flag is an homage to the old French military flag as well? The old French military flag was three white Fleur-de-lis on a field of white. Now the Russians use the same one, just rotated 90 degrees.

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I got kicked out of a restaurant for having improper dress. Reminds me of a funny story.

An Afghan, an Albanian, and Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguan, an Argintine, an Armenian, and Austrailian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese...

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Two old jews are talking in Odessa.

-What's the news?

-Have you not heard? There is a war!

-who is fighting?

-Russia says it is at war with NATO.

-How's is it going?

-70,000 Russians are dead, they have lost thousands of tanks, used up most of their missiles, and their economy is collapsing.

...

Russian, German and an Estonian

A Russian, German and an Estonian are having a flight together when the pilot tells them that each of them has to threw something out to reduce the weight of the plane. The German throw’s out a car and say’s that they have too many of them. The Russian then proceeds to throw out a Tank saying that t...

An American a Russian and an Indian meet in a Bar.

They start boasting about their countries.

The American said "We dug deep and found thick wires. So we had a telegraph system in the past too!"

The Russian said " That's nothing. We dug deep and found thin wires. That means we already had phones in the past!"

Then the Indian say...

I think that a Russian spy is following me.

CORRECTION: I not followed.
Motherland do no such thing.
Have a good day.

How many Russians does it take to change a Ukrainian lightbulb?

At least 1 battalion to lose in the attempt. Please reply with your best punchline.

An old Russian joke about recruitment

A wolf is going around in the forest talking to animals

“Bear, you are to come at 2pm to my lair to be eaten”
“Yes, wolf”

“Fox, you are to come at 2pm to my lair to be eaten”
“Yes, wolf”

“Hare, you are to come at 2pm to my lair to be eaten”
“I don’t want to”
“Very we...

a russian man

(Not my joke, it's a classic)

A russian man places a call to the local authorities.

He says, "Comrade Commissar, I want to report that my parrot has escaped."

Annoyed, the Commissar replies, "Comrade, we have much more important things to do than trying to find your parrot." ...

the US navy intercepted russian intelligence on cats

It described training tactics on how to use cats to pilot miniature sub marines. Thus the US started training dogs to counter such a tactic. These dogs were called sub woofers.

An American and a Russian were arguing about the differences in their countries.

The American says: Listen in my country i can walk into the oval office and i can hit the desk with my fist and say “ President Biden I do not like the way you’re governing our country”

The Russian says: i can do that.

The American says: what how?

The Russian says: i can go st...

Did you hear about the Russian firing squad?

They stood in a circle

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

At church in Russia they have Communionism.

Jesus broke bread and said "This is my body..." The Russian apostle cuts him off and says "Nyet, it is 'our' body".

Why did the Russian Army install Rear-view mirrors in their Tanks?

To see the battlefield.

I just found out that I got drafted into the Russian Army.

I don't need ammunition. I need a ride.

Why do Soviet Russians dislike running so much?

Because they can never make it past the Finnish line.

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Russian elementary school assignmen: "please tell us an anecdote that demonstrates the kindness of our great leader Putin"

On the due date, the teacher has some students stand up and read their assignments in front of the class.

Little Igor goes first : "one day President Putin was walking down the street when he noticed a crying little girl. He asked what was troubling her, and she told him that her cat went up ...

I heard the Russians are serving their soldiers complex dishes to eat

The plates are real. But the food is imaginary.

Sorry, horrible math joke.

Why are the Russian forces in Ukraine using the symbol "Z"?

Because the other half of the swastika fell off due to poor Russian maintenance.

Russian freedom is not different to US freedom.

An american and a russian both praise their homeland.

\- Russian freedom is not different to US freedom.

The american says:

\-Now look, I could go right now in front of the white house and hold a protest against president Biden and nothing would happen to me.

\-My friend,...

I tried to warn my son about playing Russian Roulette.

It went in one ear and out the other.

Why do russian oligarchs only buy MacBooks?

Because they fear windows

Russian army was thought to be the second best army in the world...

... It turns out it's only the second best army in Ukraine.

A new Russian "recruit" goes to the Armory to get his weapons.

The armorer looks around, and seeing there are no guns left, hand the soldier a broomstick.

"But Comrade!" complains the recruit. "The enemy have real guns! How will this help me?"

The armorer says to him, "Just point this at them and say 'Bang Bang Bang!' It will work."

"But ...

Hundreds of Russians are outside a bank,

grumbling about waiting hours in a long queue to make a withdrawl.

Suddenly one says '' I've had enough of this, I'm going to shoot Putin!"


He returns five hours later to the queue and his mate says '' did you kill him?''

he said ''no the queue was too long''

An American, An Indian, And A Russian Meet The Devil

An American, an Indian, and a Russian end up in Hell and plead to the Devil that they don't belong here. The Devil, bored, makes them an offer: "I will strike you 3 times with my whip, and if you survive, I'll let you go. You can use anything you want as a shield".

The American goes first. He...

The Russians bombed a cemetery yesterday.

There were no survivors

Why does the new Russian Navy have glass bottom boats?

So they can see the old Russian Navy.

Now more than ever, you’d be silly not to be investing in Russian automatic rifles.

Never fired, only dropped once.

Russian police officer pulls over a man in Lada...

Russian police officer pulls over a man in Lada, who was swerving across the road. He asks: "Did you have anything to drink?"

"No," says the man.

The cop doesn't believe him and gives him a breathalyzer test. The man blows into the device and the result comes back negative. The police ...

Russian health tips

-"For better digestion ,I drink beer, for low blood pressure I drink red wine, for high blood pressure Cognac and for colds Vodka. "
-"And what about water?"
-"I don't think I ever had such an illness...."

An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Russian were arguing about the nationality of Adam and Eve.

‘They must have been English,’ declared the Englishman. Only a gentleman would share his first apple with a woman.’

‘They were undoubtedly French,’ said the Frenchman. ‘Who else could seduce a woman so easily?’

‘I think they were Russians,’ said the Russian. ‘After all, who else could ...

Did you hear about the Russian parachute?

It opens on Impact

Russian leadership has gotten so bad that even mystics are mocking it

They razz Putin.

A large group of Russian invaders on the outskirts of Kharkiv are moving along the road, when suddenly from behind a small hill they hear a voice shout:

A large group of Russian invaders on the outskirts of Kharkiv are moving along the road, when suddenly from behind a small hill they hear a voice shout:

"One Ukrainian soldier is better than 10 Russians!"

The Russian commander orders a halt and his 10 best soldiers to go over the hill...

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A Russian, an American, and a British admiral were having a drink on an American aircraft carrier. They were talking about the bravery of their sailors.

The Russian said, “I will demonstrate the bravery of our sailors.”

He calls a sailor over and says, “Jump off the ship. Swim under it and climb back up.”

The sailor promptly salutes and jumps off the flight deck, swims under the ship, climbs up the davits and stands in front of the adm...

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A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal.

Before the final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. It ties you up in knots. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're ...

A Frenchman, an Englishman, a Russian, and a Ukrainian are on a a plan when the plane's engines fail and it starts to go down.

The pilot grabs one of the parachutes and jumps from the plane. The remaining passengers see that there is only one chute left, and quickly do the math.

The Englishman stands up, straightens his tie, says "God save the Queen!" and jumps from the plane.

The Frenchman, not wanting to b...

A Russian boy asks his dad for 1000 rubles to buy some candy from the store

His dad replies “1000 rubles? 1600 rubles is way too much to spend on candy. How much candy can 2300 rubles even buy?”

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The nun and the Russian soldier.

A soldier ran up to a nun.

Out of breath he asked, “Please, may I hide under your skirt, I'll explain later.”

The nun agreed.

A moment later two military police ran up and asked:

“Sister, have you seen a soldier?”

The nun replied, “He went that way.”

After ...

2 Russians are robbing a bank...

2 Russians are robbing a bank... Everything went successful, quickly and silently. However, before existing the bank, one Russian stops another one: "Hey, what kind of a robbery is it if no one got injured or killed?"

Russian 2: "You're right, kill that woman that's sitting over there!"
...

Why are Russian troops in Ukraine called T-Rex?

Why are Russian troops in Ukraine called T-Rex?

Because they are only given small arms.

A Russian boy sees his father being arrested by the FSB and asks, “Papa, why are you being taken to the Gulag?”

The father replies, “I don’t know son, I’m not interested in politics.”

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What do Russian Banks and my ass have in common?

We're both having liquidity crises right now.

I'm feeling slightly sick, please send soup and crackers.

What do you call a Russian tank brigade returning from Ukraine?

An infantry platoon.

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The Pretzel Hold

An American wrestler is competing in the Olympics and is slated to go up against Ivan Bortski, the Russian champ. Coach pulls him aside and says, "Listen this is Bortski the champion. Whatever you do, don't let him get you into the Pretzel Hold, his most famous move. You won't win if he gets you int...

A Saudi Prince wants to buy a bull, so he goes to see a famous Russian bovine breeder.

The Russian tells him "I have many good animal. Here is Swedish bull, is born black color, but color turns white when grows.”

"Over there is American bull. Color when born is red, but become dark brown when full grown.”

"And here, Turkish bull. They is born dark brown, but grow up to b...

A Russian woman is standing in line for the supermarket

Behind her, another woman is sobbing loudly.

The first woman turns around and asks her ‘My dear, what is wrong? Why do you cry so much?’

The second woman, in between sobs, answers ‘It is my husband. He died last week.’

The first woman places a friendly arm around the crying woma...

A journalist asks a Russian soldier

- ‘How is life in Russia?’

- ‘I can’t complain’ said the soldier

How did Russian emperors pay for their coffee?

Tsarbucks

I think the Russian invasion of Ukraine was caused by a translation error.

The Russian military invading Ukraine all have Z's, and the Ukrainians fighting back are the "Not Z's".

Polish, Ukrainian and Russian babies get mixed up in the hospital

Now, parents are trying to figure out which baby belongs to which parent.

Ukrainian decides to go first and yells "Slava Ukraini!"

One baby immediately jumps up and pulls into the attention position.

Ukrainian knows that's their baby and picks it up.

Polish takes the sec...

Russian man dies

Russian man die, but for him suffer not over. Man very wicked, and go to hell. There devil make punish: he burn in lake of fire. Is warm. Russian man finally happy.

So devil make lake hotter. But Russian man now is warmer. Now is happier.

Devil get very frustrate. So devil make fire l...

what is a russian's favourite yogurt?

A Vladimir Pudding.

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Russian Little Johnny Joke

In biology class, the teacher draws a cucumber on the blackboard: "Children, could someone tell me what is this?"

Vovochka raises his hand: "It's a dick, Marivanna!"

The teacher bursts into tears and runs out.

Shortly, the principal rushes in: "All right, what did you do now?...

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An American, a Russian, and a Ukrainian are flying together in a plane.

The American gets up, goes to the window pulls a wad of money out of his pocket, and throws it out the window.

"In America, we have plenty of money. We can just throw it away."

The Russian, not to be outdone, rummages in his carry-on bag, pulls out a beautiful fur coat, and throws it o...

A Russian man shouting

A Russian man is walking around on the Red Square and shouting "Brezhnev is an idiot! Brezhnev is an idiot!"


He gets arrested. The sentence comes: 25 years. 1 for disturbing the peace and 24 for unauthorized release of classified information.

Russian Ruble is now worth less than 1 U.S. Cent after SWIFT Bank Sanctions

I think it's time we start calling the Ruble for what really is: Rubble

A Russian man is called up to fight in Ukraine...

"Ivan, you've been mobilized, report to the front line"

"But I haven't got any legs?!"

"That's fine, it's a partial mobilization'

Why do Russian officials keep falling out of windows lately?

Because they no longer have the iron curtain.

An American politician and a Russian politician are walking next to a river...

The American points to a bridge and says,

"See that bridge? I campaigned for that bridge, chose the construction company, and even arranged for the funds for it to be built." The American then pats his pocket and says, "Of course I took a portion off the top for myself." and the two men laugh...

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A final CIA test for three men

An American, a Russian and a Bosnian man get to the final test to be admitted to the CIA. An American enters a room where he sees his wife Jennifer. A voice says: " There is a gun on the table, your last test is to kill your wife, no questions asked." American points the gun, but after a while gives...

Give a Russian Tanker Vodka, He'll Be Warm for a Night

Set his ammunition on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Why do Russians wear white armbands

so they have something to wave when they surrender

What do you call a metallic Russian chamber pot?

Vladimir Poo-tin.

A Russian joke from the 90's making fun of "New Russians" (Basically gangsters who got rich quick and loved to showcase their wealth).

Hey Boris, I like your tie. How much was it?

Thank you. It is made of the finest silk, cost me $5000.

Ha! You are an idiot. I got mine at the shop around the corner for $7500!

There was this man in Russia who drove trains for a living.

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but one person died. He went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, ...

Know what they called the Russian Ruble last week?

Currency

A Russian Battalion is Sent to Fight a Finnish Sniper

A Soviet army is marching through a Finnish forest when a general hears a voice from over a hill shout: "one Finnish soldier is better than 10 Soviet soldiers!"

The general promptly send 10 soldiers to root out the voice, there is gunfire, and then silence.

After a few minutes, the voi...

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A Russian immigrant comes to America, works hard...

... and is able to buy for his very first home: a condominium apartment. He throws an all night party with his friends to celebrate. One of his guests notices a hammer and a large metal pot next to one of the walls.

“What is that for?” he asks.

The Russian says “That is my talking A...

A band of russian friend are in their hotel room, joking about Stalin’s regime and cracking political jokes.

Worried that they were going too far, Sasha decides to play a practical joke on his pals and lighten the mood a bit. He slips downstairs to the lobby and asks the receptionist for an orange juice to be brought to room 304.

When he comes back to the room, he tells his friends “Guys, stop playi...

Who was the nicest Russian leader?

>!Ivan The Bearable!<

What does a Russian FSB agent say when he found a Oligarch shot 13 times?

Worst case of suicide I've ever seen

I don't know why people are saying the Russian military is weak

They're ranked #2 in Ukraine.

Three men are sitting down in a restaurant

The waiter comes by and says "Excuse me, but there's a shortage of steak tonight and it's not on the menu."

The Texan says "What's a 'shortage?'"

The Russian says "What's a 'steak?'"

The Bostonian says "What's 'excuse me?'"

A soviet joke about censorship that I found in my school book

An American tells a Russian that people in USA have the freedom of speech and that he even could go to the White House and shout:"Go to hell, Ronald Reagan!"

The russian answers:"Oh, we also have freedom of speech. I, too, can go to Kremlin and shout:" Go to hell, Ronald Reagan!"

We've all heard about Russian Roulette but how many of you have heard about Indian Roulette?

They give you a flute and six large deadly cobras.

And one of the cobras is deaf.

Putin's propagandists on TV said nuclear war is fine because patriotic Russians will go to Heaven.

Heaven heard it and immediately applied to join NATO!

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A local joke from my country

So Bill works for the secret services and gets sent to Russia to spy on them. Eventually he got caught and the russians start torturing him in order to get the nuclear missile codes of Bill’s country. Bill shows incredible strength and integrity and doesn’t say a word. The russians are impressed wit...

Why do Russian tanks have rear view mirrors?

So they can watch the Ukrainian tractors gaining on them!

Never accept tea offered by the Russian President

You don´t know what Vladimir Putin.

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Putin and two Russian generals are sitting in the Russian presidential aircraft

Putin gets bored and suggests to play a game to kill some time.
They came up with the idea that each of them will throw something out of the plane and later they will go to check what happened on the ground.

The first general pulls a Zippo lighter from his pocket, throws it out the wind...

A Russian man drives up to the border with Finland

The Finnish border guard takes his passport and asks the man - "Occupation?"

"No. Only a holiday."

They say WW2 was won by American steel, British intelligence, and Russian blood

Who knew that WW3 would be won the same way?

BREAKING: The Internet has been permanently shutdown in Russia, Kremlin announced today, adding that a new network open only to Russians is set to go online within the week

Sources close to the Kremlin says Putin himself took to naming the network, proudly dubbing it as 'The Internyet'

Apparently this is a current Russian joke: What is the title of Tolstoy's main work?

It's "Special operation and peace".

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Vladimir Putin and his driver die in a car accident

Not surprisingly, they end up in Hell. The Devil gives them choice - they can go to Russian Hell, or American Hell. They look around and don't see much difference between the two; really, they both look fairly nice and pleasant. The Devil lets them know, however, that each morning, they must eat ...

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An American politician and a Russian politician are having dinner

They are eating at the American politician's house in suburban Virginia. A 6 bedroom house with a 2 Mercedes Benz at the front. And a 500 square foot garden.

The Russian politician remarked how nice his house was and how he was able to afford it.

The American politician said: "see that...

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What’s the Russian military’s policy on homosexuals fighting in the Ukraine?

“Donetsk, don’t tell.”

"Can't attack that position. My men are exhausted."

Spoken by a NATO general it means his soldiers are too tired and would not be able to attack without heavy losses.

Spoken by a Russian general it means his supply of men has been exhausted i. e., there are no alive men left to send.

Blonde, Nun, Russian and Pole in Train

Suddenly they enter the tunnel. It is getting dark. A loud sound is heard in the darkness. At the exit, a Russian man can be seen holding his cheek. The nun thinks - the pervert touched the blonde and got slapped. The blonde thinks - the pervert was supposed to touch me, but he made a mistake, touch...

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Three Russian alcoholics gather for a drink.

They pour each one a glass of vodka and drink half of it in one go. One of them, when he puts down his drink, doesn't see his buddies, but sees St. Peter surrounded by holy light.

“I can't die yet! I haven't even finished this glass!” - the alcoholic cries.

“Okay” says St. Peter. “I ...

A bunch of Russian labourers are building a fence

and one of them goes to the foreman and says "Foreman, I have a problem. I just opened this packet of nails and all the heads are on the wrong end."

"Idiot!" yells the foreman. "Those nails are for the other side of the fence!"

A Russian spy is in the UK

A Russian spy is in the UK trying to dig up dirt on an MP.

He walks into a pub, sits next to the MP and orders a drink. He tries to start up a conversation but the MP says he knows he's a spy.

"Of course I'm not a spy, I can sing the whole British anthem", he then sings every verse per...

What's a joke that never gets old?

Russian infantry.

Two young Russian conscripts in Ukraine approach a platoon of Ukranian fighters to surrender.

They approach with their hands in the air, and their weapons holstered.

"We come to surrender. Our truck is out of fuel and broken down. The rest of our troops are miles away, and none of the gas trucks or repair technicians will be available for days. We are stranded."

The Ukrainian f...

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Three russian generals walks into a bar.

No wait, two Russian generals walks into a bar.

....one?

Zero?

Ukrainian bartender: "Fucking snipers, they kill all the jokes."

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A russian, an american and a dane are drinking beer, and get into a bragging contest.

The russian says: "Our navy is so large that if all the ships set out to sea at once, the fish in the ocean won't have a single spot where they can reach the surface"

The american looks sceptically at him and says: "Well, our mighty airforce is so large that if all the planes take off at once...

A KGB agent goes to a library and sees an old Jewish man reading a book.

“What are you reading, old man?” he asks.

“I’m learning Hebrew, comrade,” replies the old Jew.

The KGB agent asks, “What are you learning Hebrew for? You know it takes years to get a permission to travel to Israel? You will die before you get one.”

“I’m learning Hebrew for when ...

A Russian man asks his friend if he should get married and have a family, or join the army

The friend says:

"Vanya, if you get married, then all hope is lost.

"Now, if you join the army, you have two options: either you live or you die. If you live, then all hope is lost.

"If you die, you have two options: either you die on the Ukrainian side of the border or the Russ...

This war in Ukraine has me on edge. Yesterday I thought I heard a Russian plane fly over my house.

It was just an Illyushin

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