A Russian enters a bar full of Turkish people.

He's wearing a t-shirt with bright lettering "Turkish got 3 problems."

Just a few seconds later the Turkishs oppose him and say "Hey, yopu know what you're wearing is insulting?"
The russian responds: "This is your first problem: You're so easily offended."

The Turkish respond: "Oka...

An American, an Indian, and a Russian got in Hell and plead to the Devil that they don't belong here. The Devil, bored, makes them an offer: "I will strike you 3 times with my whip, and if you survive, I'll let you go. You can use anything you want as a shield".

The American goes first. He builds a high-tech shield from depleted uranium and composites, and hides behind it. The Devil strikes once - the shield cracks; twice - the shield falls apart; thrice - the American is no more.

Next goes the Indian. He puts himself in some advanced Yoga position ...

A man dies and goes to hell. Once there, he finds that there is a different hell for each country, so he tries to seek out the least painful one.

At the door to German Hell, he is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

He does not like the sound of that, so he checks out American Hell, Russia...

I proposed my Russian girlfriend and she said Yes!

For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home town of Moscow.

It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, "You may now kiss the bride", but I just assumed it was purely an American thing and didn't mind.
...

I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician

And a Czech one too.
A Czech one too.

If me having a Russian accent means my B's sound like V's...

Soviet

A Serial Killer, Car Thief and Russian Spy walks into a bar

And that was just the first guy

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Soviet Joke about Jews.

Little Jewish boy Moishe comes home, walks up to his mother, and says:

“Mom, mom, I wrote at school today in the column “Nationality" that I’m Russian! “Son, what do you eat for lunch every day?” - "Chicken!" - "And now you will eat potatoes, like all Russian children."

Moishe becomes ...

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Russian are looking at a painting of Adam and Eve

The Englishman admires it and says "Look at them, calm, reserved, and proper, they were surely English."

The Frenchmen laughs and replies "They are naked and beautiful, there is no doubt they would be French."

The Russian slowly shakes his head "No clothes, no house, no possessions, th...

I hate Russian dolls

They’re so full of themselves.

What do you call a Russian raspberry dipped in lighter fluid?

Rasp-butane

Why do all Russian Cosmonauts only drink black coffee?

Because in space, no one here use cream.

A Russian, a German and an American walk into a bar...

I ducked.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician.

He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...
"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think y...

Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said...

"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."

An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing the other day: "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What does the Russian first lady say when she wants sex?

Vladimir put in.

I once found a Catholic russian.

I told him that was very unorthodox.

What did soviet Russians call an 8-hour bread line?

Fast food

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An English woman, a French woman and a Russian Woman are talking about sex

English Woman: I just found a way to have fantastic sex with my husband: after he comes back home and takes a shower, i throw away his towel, grab his balls by my hand and i tell him "Harry, your balls are so hot!"

French Woman: And so what? Does it work?

English Woman: If it works? My...

Marsians took an American, a German and a Russian prisoners. They locked each of them in a separate room and gave each one a 10 litre bottle of vodka, stating that that whoever manages to drink all of his will be set free, otherwise they will be executed.

The next morning the Marsians discover the American, dead on the floor, having drunk only 1 litre.

In the next room, the see the German, passed out, having drunk only three litres. They take him to the pit of death where he is executed.

The Russian however, was banging on the door all ...

Russian spacecrafts designed in 1960s don't come around often

Soyuz them wisely.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What does the russian presidents' wife says before sex?

Please, put in.

Im opening a Russian import store to compete with Bed, Bath & Beyond.

Lenins & more

An american soldier was a russian POW captive

One day his left arm got infected and they needed to amputate.
Can you send my arm back to America?
Yes
The next week his right arm got infected and needed to be amputated.
Can you send it back to america?
Yes
The next week his left leg got infected and needed to be amputated
...

We are making White Russians to celebrate the Mueller report release, but I can’t remember the recipe.

Kahlua-sion or no kahlua-sion?

What do you call a russian with 3 balls?

Whodyounickabollockov

After the Russian election Putin meets with his staff

Staff: “Sir Comrade Vlad, we have got good news and bad news for you.”

Putin: “I’m not scared of bad news, I’ve wrestled bears, tigers and a small rhino with my bare Russian hands. Hit me!”

Staff: “Your opponent got 51% of the votes.”

Putin: “That is terrible news! What on earth...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

American tells to his Russian colleague:

"When Trump passes by, we all swear, spit, and throw rotten fruit on him"

The Russian:

"When Putin passes by, we all piss on him"

The American:

"I exaggerated a little - we swear whispering, spit aside, and while throwing, we don't hit".

The Russian:

"And I ...

What do you call when a Russian cause a delay?

Stalin for time.

Why did the Russian math teacher get fired?

Because communism is never the answer.

Russian joke

Two peasants, Boris and Igor are poor. Boris has a goat. Igor does not. One day while walking thru the woods, Igor meets a fairy. "What do you wish for?" She ask.

"I wish" Igor says "that Boris's goat should die"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Russian spy, a sexual predator and a billionaire walk into a bar

Bartender says "What can I get you Mr. President?"

A Russian, a Frenchman and an Englishman argued about Adam's nationality.

A Russian, a Frenchman and an Englishman argued about Adam's nationality.

The Frenchman said, "Of course Adam was French. Look how passionately he made love to Eve!"

The Englishman said, "Of course Adam was British. Look how he gave his only apple to the lady, like a real gentleman."...

What do you call russian roulette without a gun?

Roulette

So I was fornicating with a Russian girl...

faster faster! She yelled.

FASTER FASTER! She screamed.

FASTER PLEASE!

Then I said:

Babe stop, I'm not russian.

Russian archeologists made a big discovery

As they dug a 100 meter deep hole, they found old copper wires. They made a big, worldwide announcement that the Russians were an advanced species. Even 1000 years ago they already had a copper network.

The Americans couldn't cope with the Russians being advanced longer than the Americans, so...

My grandfather is so good at Russian Roulette

that he only lost once

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Pole, Russian and Englishman are flying a plane and arguing where they are

The Russian puts his hand outside the window and says:

"we're in Russia"

"it's cold"

Then the Englishman puts his hand outside the window and says:

"we're in England"
"it's wet"

And then the Pole puts his hand outside the window and as he pulls it back, he start...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The biggest, toughest American soldier in the platoon in Eastern Europe limps in, badly injured....

His Captain yells, "Good Lord Corporal! What happened to you?"

"Well Captain", he says, wiping blood from his face, "I was out on watch, and I looked across the road. And I saw this Russian soldier, real big bastard. And I looked at him, and he looked at me. So I started walking towards him, ...

Three Russians are sitting together in the train that takes them to the Gulag.

One of them asks the two others: "So what did you do?"

The first one answers: "Well, I arrived late at the factory, and so they
accused me of slowing down the Revolution and the victory of the Proletariat."

The second one answers: "Well, I arrived early at the factory, and so they...

The Russian pretzel

Three Americans were up against a very large Russian in a wrestling meet. They were nervous because he had a famous move called "The Russian Pretzel," which often landed his opponents in the hospital.

When the first American caught a glimpse of him, he said, "Coach, he's HUGE. I'm scared."...

A Russian and an American are debating whose country is superior

“My country is superior,” the American said, “because if I want to, I can go into the oval office, pound on the desk and say, ‘Mr President, I don’t like the way you’re running this country!’”

“Well I can do that too” replies the Russian

“Really?”

“Absolutely.” The Russian conti...

I heard someone's writing a book about Mitch McConnell and Donald Trump colluding with the Russians.

It's called "The Tortoise and the Hair"

Indian people are a lot like Russian people.

They're always in a curry.

If you're American when you enter the washroom and Russian when you leave, what are you when you're on the john?

~~European!~~ President Donald Trump

A Russian plane is falling down....

One pilot says to the other
"AHHH WE'RE STALIN"

What do you call a Russian president that's also Canadian?

Vladimir Poutine

A Russian meets his friend. He says, "Dima, my friend, you look so grim, what's the matter?"

"You see, Petya, every night my wife keeps having dreams where she's seeing Putin" says Dima.

"So?" says Petya.

Dima replies, "Yesterday I yelled at her and told her to stop seeing him."

"What happened next?" probes Petya.

And Dima replies, "Last night, I had a dream wher...

There's only one problem with this Russian Roulette club

Every year it gets smaller and smaller

As told by my Russian wife

A man is at a bar. He sees a good looking woman, but she's a little older. Maybe in her 40s. He goes up to her and starts a conversation.

​

Halfway through she seems interested and asks an interesting question. She asks how he feels about a little mother-daughter action.
...

The Russian winter...

...helped the Russian people defeat Hitler during WW2 and Napoleon before him. This year it invaded the USA on its own.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Russian, a Frenchman and a German...

...go high diving at a swimming pool. They each get to wish for a liquid to jump in.

The russian goes first. He gets up the tower, of course, wishes for vodka and so he lands ina pool full of vodka.

Next up was the Frenchman. He climbed the tower, shouted "Wine!" and he jumped into t...

A russian officer during the winter war hears someone shouting from behind a hill

"one Finnish soldier is worth 10 Russian soldiers!"
Wanting to prove a point the officer sends ten Russians over the hill. After some gunshots and screams the same voice shouts "one Finnish soldier is worth 100 Russian soldiers!" Enraged the officer sends 100 Russian soldiers over the hill. After...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An American and a Russian died and went to the gates of heaven and hell. They were greeted by an Angel.

The Angel said to them, “Because both of you are sinners, you’re are going to hell. However, you can choose between American hell and Russian hell. In American hell, most people are American and they have to eat a bucket of shit every day. In Russian hell, most people are Russian and they have to ea...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A problem with Russian names and homophobia

Russians be like:

We're extremely homophobic! no gay shit allowed.

@

There's a newborn baby! Oh, is it a boy? Call him SIR GAY!

Syka blyat...

A Russian goes to Ukraine

As a Russian prepares to cross the Ukrainian border, the border guard asks, “Occupation?”

“No,” says the Russian. “Just visiting.”

What does it say on a Russian USB drive?

Putin

What do Russian sailors greet each other with?

Nahoy!

Russian man is watching weather forecast on TV and they say that it's -50°C in Siberia today...

In disbelief he calls his Siberian friend:

\- Hey, I've heard is super cold in Siberia these days?

\- Nah, it's nothing special, about -25°.

\- Yeah? On TV they've said it's -50° C!

\- Ah, this must be outside.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An English, a Japan and a Russian are visiting Russia.

When they are in Moscow Russian takes them to sightseeing.

And see a big bridge the English speaks and says:

'' Ah, its a nice bridge. But if it was in England, we would build it in 3 months. We have the best tools and technology for it.''

The Japan goes forward and says:
...

I was having lunch with the Russian President when all of a sudden he vomited...

It was very off Putin

(This is one of my first jokes, pls don't hate)

A Russian walks into a bar and orders 4 shots of vodka

The barman serves him his shots, the Russian drinks, pays and leaves.

A month goes by and the Russian is back. Orders 4 shots as the prior month, drinks pays and leaves.

Same on the 3rd, 4th and 5th months.

By the 6th month, the barman curiously asks the Russian why does he come...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

This message is URGENT; it came from a PHARMACIST!

If you or anyone you know are taking the Viagra pill, make sure it says:

"Made in USA"!

We do not want the Russians meddling in our erections.

What's the difference between a Russian chickpea and a Mexican chickpea?

Trump hasn't had a Mexican chickpea on him.

An old Ukrainian is cleaning his hunting rifle one day when his grandson runs in

"Grandfather, the radio says that the Russians have gone into space!"

"All of them?" he asks, putting down his rifle.

"No, only one."

He starts cleaning the rifle again.

Did you know 'cyka blyat' is Russian for 'watch out'?

That's what I learnt from watching dash cam videos.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two guys are trekking through the Russian Arctic with their two Donkeys.

They both stop for a moment to take in the scenery.
Guy #1: I have to piss so badly.
Guy #2: Again???????????? We just did this five minutes ago.
Guy #1: But I really have to go.
Guy #2: Alright, but hurry up! I'm freezing my ass off!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why dont Russians give a shit about anything?

... because they are a part of the so-be-it union

A Russian man is travelling across Britain

A Russian man is travelling across Britain , he pops to a corner shop and buys some British Snacks to try. He takes the food to the Till and the cashier says: “that’ll be £12,50 please.” To which the Russian replies “Vat?”
“Oh that’s already taken care of mate.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a Russian blowing a Russian in the mountains?

Ural sex

An American and a Russian are talking

The American says to the Russian, "I feel bad for you folks. You don't have any freedom. In my country, I can march right up to the White House, walk right into the Oval Office, pound my fist on the president's desk and say 'Mr. President, I don't like the way you're running the United States.'"
...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My sexual prowess is comparable to the whole Russian Military.

Where I make it out to be much more powerful than it actually is.

Did you hear the Russians have began funding and creating technology to compromise and undermine the USA’s recent Central American initiatives?

They have created a ladder

Russian computer: "Enter password"

Me: "Beef stew"

Russian computer: "Password not stroganoff"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Russian goes to a sex therapist...

[Old joke]. A Russian goes to a sex therapist:

The therapist asks, "So tell me about the last time you had sex."

The Russian replies, "Last month, I have sex with horse."

The therapist is taken aback, "Um... so tell me, how long have you been having relations with um.. barn an...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Rumor is Trump’s favorite cocktail is a white Russian

While Putin’s favorite is an orange American.

My friend thinks that pronouncing words like a Russian makes him sound cool

I tried to tell him to stop, but he insists it’s funny.

If he wants to walk around everywhere sounding like an idiot, then soviet.

How do you insult a Russian?

Yo motherland so hairy, she put the bush in babushka.

The only Russian swear word I know

Bourgeoisie

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A German, a Japanese, and a Russian were sitting naked...

... in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German pressed his finger into his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "Oh, that was my embedded smart watch," he said. "Germany has the smartest engineers in the world and I've had one of their devices placed...

A lot of Russian girls are trying to hook up with American guys online.

But it’s really just Putin trying to interfere with our erections.

How can you tell the difference between an American manufacturer and a Russian manufacturer?

One order arrives on time and the other keeps Stalin...

How do you torture a Russian?

give them a vodka bottle full of water

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Russian woman, a French woman and an American woman decides to have a contest on who has the biggest and deepest vagina among them...

The Russian woman went on first and inserted 2 fingers then pulled out her iPad.

The French woman next inserted her fist and pulled out her laptop.

Both women then turned their attention to the American woman who's sheepishly holding a quarter.

The American woman went on inserti...

My Russian wife wouldn't even teach me how to say hello in her language

She says it's private.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Word spread quickly that a meat shipment was inbound from Moscow, in the Russian Soviet Federated Socialist Republic.

Sure enough, in the early hours of Monday morning the line outside State Food Store no. 46 was already over two hundred people long, many whispering excitedly about poultry and sausages, despite the dark, bitterly cold morning. After hours of waiting, and still before sunrise, the Commissar came out...

What was the russian journalist last words before he committed suicide?

Please dont shoot!

A Russian Christmas joke...

There once was vicious Russian Czar named Rudolph the Red. On a cold winter day, he looked out his castle window and remarked to his wife, "I do believe it's raining." His wife replied, "Rudolph, It's far too cold for rain, it must be sleet or snow."

He yelled back angrily, "Impossible! Rudo...

An American spy goes to russia...

In Soviet Russia, an American spy tries to blend in...

George Keats had trained 20 years for this moment. He had mastered the Russian language in its native accent. He learned all of Russia's customs and social graces. He memorized Moscow streetmaps and knew every back-alley there was. He swo...

Why doesn't the Russian alphabet have upper case letters?

Because they're anti-capitalists.

My Dad asked me, "you know what that Putin guys problem is?"

"He's always Russian around"

The Russian, the German and the French.

The Russian, the German and the French folks appear in the desert with no water. They find genie lamp and the genie told them they all have 2 wishes each.

German: "I want to get back home with 1 000 000 EUR" - Puff, done.
French: "I want to get back home with 100 beautiful women" - Puff, d...

A drunk German and Russian are walking around town with a sober Brit

After a few too many, the group decides to head home but the two drunks can't seem to walk in a straight line, bumping into everything in sight as the Brit keeps them from hurting themselves. Fed up with babysitting them, the Brit decides to have some fun.

The German and Russian first bump in...

A Frenchman, and Englishman, and a Soviet Russian are admiring a painting of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.

The Frenchman says, “They must be French, they’re naked and they’re eating fruit.”

The Englishman says, “Clearly, they’re English; observe how politely the women is offering fruit to the man.”

The Russian replies, “No, they are Russian communists, of course. They have no house, nothi...

How do Russian sheep talk?

They CYKA BLEAT

Where do Russian farmers get their milk from?

Moscow