If pronouncing my B's as V's makes me sound Russian

Then soviet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Lying on his deathbed is a Russian Communist

His friends are gathered around him all somber. The old man turns to one of them and says,

"Dimitri, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me."

"Oh, no worries buddy," says Dimitri.

The Communist t...

The 2020 election results are in!

Oh sorry, this is just for us Russians.

I proposed my Russian girlfriend and she said Yes!

For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home in Moscow.

It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things really strange. For instance, the priest never said, "You may now kiss the bride", but I just assumed it was purely an American thing and didn't mind.
<...

Three Russian men are talking in the Gulag.

One of them asks the two others: "So what did you do?"

The first one answers: "Well, I arrived late at the factory, and so they accused me of slowing down the Revolution and the victory of the Proletariat."

The second one answers: "Well, I arrived early at the factory, and so they accu...

A Russian, an American, and a Canadian

A Russian, an American, and a Canadian were at a bar.

The Russian says,"We were the first in space!"

The American says, "We were the first on the moon!"

The Canadian is silent for a while, and then exclaims confidently, "Then we shall be the first on the sun!"

Both give h...

3 men are arrested...

Three men; a Russian, a swede, and a German have been arrested, and they've all been given a 6 month sentence.



Their warden however, is friendly and grants them all a 6 month supply of anything they want.



Upon hearing this, the Russian man jumps up in joy,


...

I told my son to stop playing Russian roulette, but you know how it is with kids...

In one ear, out the other!

I hate those Russian dolls

They are so full of themselves.

An old Russian man wants to visit his old friend in Germany.

An old Russian man remembers a good friend he had in east Germany, and he decides he should go check up. He doesn't have enough money for a plane, however, so he decides he will drive. The next morning he and his wife get into their car and start driving. Several hours go by on the empty road and af...

What’s the best drink to have on the 4th of July?

A White Russian. Nothing is more American then a Russian helping you to make poor choices.

What video streaming service do Russians use?

Niet-flix

The Russian President doesnt even have a russian accent...

he's just Putin' it on

What does a russian spy and a teenager have in common

They both have erased history

I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician

And a Czech one too.
A Czech one too.

A man dies and goes to hell. Once there, he finds that there is a different hell for each country, so he tries to seek out the least painful one.

At the door to German Hell, he is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

He does not like the sound of that, so he checks out American Hell, Russia...

Russian, American and German got caught by a tribe of cannibals

Cannibals told them:

\- We'll give you 2 tasks. Do them separately and we will release you

3 guys agreed

\- Ok. First task is - each one of you should bring us 10 fruits

Russian, American and German went into the forest. A few hours later, German comes back with 10 apples...

A Russian, a Texan, and a New Yorker are at a restaurant in London

The waiter comes up and says,”Excuse me but, we do not have any steak on the menu due to a shortage.” The Russian asks,”What’s steak?” The Texan asks,”What’s a ‘shortage’?” The New Yorker asks,”What’s ‘Excuse Me’?”

"The Russians wouldn't lie about radiation levels, would they?"

"Sure, no bull."

what do call a quiet Russian bee?

a cagey bee

Eating her cooking is like playing Russian roulette.

I never know which meal is going to kill
me.

A Russian enters a bar full of Turkish people.

He's wearing a t-shirt with bright lettering "Turkish got 3 problems."

Just a few seconds later the Turkishs oppose him and say "Hey, yopu know what you're wearing is insulting?"
The russian responds: "This is your first problem: You're so easily offended."

The Turkish respond: "Oka...

A Russian Doctor invented circumcision

Dr Ivan Karchakokov

A Russian dictator is stuck for an excuse as to why he shouldn't resign...

"Hey! Quit Stalin!"

Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first

Him: this is an automatic

Me: my house my rules

An American, an Indian, and a Russian got in Hell and plead to the Devil that they don't belong here. The Devil, bored, makes them an offer: "I will strike you 3 times with my whip, and if you survive, I'll let you go. You can use anything you want as a shield".

The American goes first. He builds a high-tech shield from depleted uranium and composites, and hides behind it. The Devil strikes once - the shield cracks; twice - the shield falls apart; thrice - the American is no more.

Next goes the Indian. He puts himself in some advanced Yoga position ...

The 80s, an American and a Russian are arguing about which country has more freedom.

The American says, “I can walk right up to the White House and shout 'Down with Reagan!' and nothing bad will happen to me.” The Russian replies, “Guess what? I can walk in front of Kremlin and shout 'Down with Reagan!' and nothing will happen to me either.”

Shortly after the Chernobyl incident...

...China, America, and Germany came too help with their state of the art cleanup robots, and sent them out to show them off to each other.

The Chinese robot broke down even before it could reach the cleanup site.

The Americans cheered as their robot performed its task in the highly i...

What do you call it when a russians wifi fails?

Internyet

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Russian, an American, and an Irishman is in a bar, drinking and bragging (long)

The russian guy says: "in Russia, we have the biggest fleet in the world - if we put all our ships up, front to end on the atlantic, you could walk from Amstedam to New York"

The American says: "yes, but we have the largest airforce, if we flew all our planes over europe, the entire continent...

Standing on the beach after the great proletariat revolution of 1907, what did one Russian say to the other?

serfs up!

Six reasons not to play russian roulette.

The fifth one will blow your mind!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a Russian homosexual knight?

Sirgay

What activity can reduce a person's chance of dying of cancer by 16.6%?

Russian Roulette.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A russian man and his wife are into BDSM

A russian man, Vladislav, and his wife, Anna, are very into BDSM and roleplay and have very kinky sex every night. One night, when they are both particularly into it, Anna decides that she can't take much more. Only issue is, Anna can't remember the safeword. She starts telling her husband to stop, ...

A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

"Look at their reserve, their calm," mused the Brit. "They must be British."

"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and quite beautiful. Clearly, they are French."

"No way! They have no clothing and no shelter," the Russian points out. "They have only an apple to eat, a...

A Russian guy named Yuri, opens a new national company.

It's called Urination.

What's a Russians favorite side dish?

Cold Slav.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This is classic Czech joke, I hope I transladed it well for you to understand the point.

Plane crashes on the island inhabitated only by cannibals. Only survivors are Czech, Russian, and American guy. The leader of cannibals tells them ,, everyone of us will bring us some fruit from the forest, or we will eat you”. American return with bag of apples, cannibals say ,, we will shove this ...

Where do Russians get their milk from?

From Mos-cows

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Russian President:

At a KHL game: Vladimir Rutin

At a gun range: Vladimir Shutin

Imitating an owl: Vladimir Hutin

With a wheat harvest: Vladimir Gultin

Looking Amphibious: Vladimir Newtin

Rioting and stealing shit: Vladimir Lutin

Bungling a ground ball: Vladimir Butin
...

I'm so sick of seeing all these posts on social media that are clearly made by Russian bots

It's almost as annoying as when Bernie Sanders said he wants to give your guns to illegal immigrants.

Why doesn't Trump wear glasses?

He already has Russian contacts.

I once heard a Russian roulette joke.

It unexpectedly blew away my mind.

One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has just been deported.

Now we don't have Oleg to stand on.

A Russian spy meets the minister of defence...

The Russian minister of defence calls Boris Morozov, the best spy in Russia, to infiltrate the American army and find out why they excel so much in combat.

"Understood" says Boris. " I will infiltrate the US army for a year and then I will come back to motherland with findings"

And so...

An alien, a lawyer, a priest, a Russian, and a dog all walk into a bar...

...and the bartender says, "What is this, a joke?"

Where do they send the ironic Russian emperors?

The Tsar Chasm

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Russian and a Jew (long joke)

On a train to Moscow, a Jew and a Russian army captain were sharing a compartment, the Russian was little bigot and have stereotype towards Jews, so he asked the Jew, "Hey Jew how come you all are so smart" The Jew was eating herring so he kept quite and didn't reply, so the Russian keep on asking h...

Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said...

"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."

My friend loves playing Roulette, so I figured I would introduce him to Russian Roulette.

Blew his mind.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician.

He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...
"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think y...

A homeless man decides to rob a Russian restaurant.

Since it was so early, the only one that was working at that time was the scrawny waitor as the chef/boss had gone to run a quick errand. The homeless man, only waving his fists, threatened the waitor to give him his best food or "he would be in a world of hurt". Even though the waitor was as skinny...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old Russian man is at his dying wife's bedside.

The doctor on visit to their apartment looks her over and says, "I'm terribly sorry, but the only way to save your wife is to have anal sex with her."

"I can't do it," says the man, "I'm a loyal Communist and have dutifully served my country. I fought the entire war and earned many medals, in...

Russian Girl: I'm not going to touch it with a 6 foot Pole

German Guy: That's good. I don't want a Pole to touch my Weiner Schnitzel.

My Cousin is really good at Russian roulette,

he only lost once.

I know a guy who has the hots for this Russian girl

He tells me everyday how he wants to get into her pants. After hearing the same thing for the last eight months, I told him to quit Stalin and Putin her already.

let's play russian roulette with a shrink ray! i'll go first

^oh ^come ^on

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Russian metal worker named Yetzel lives in the countryside.

Every day he does back-breaking work at a factory, pounding metal slabs and preparing them to be sold. He make 2 rubles a month, and goes through many hardships daily, what with barely having enough money to feed his 29 children and provide clothes for them all.

One day, Yetzel goes to the re...

What’s a Russians favorite book store?

Barnes & Chernobyl

Putin must be a great president, Russian journalists seem to really like him

They can't say bad things about him!

An American, a Hindu, and a Russian land in Purgatory.

A grey-winged angel with a huge whip hanging from his belt meets them and says: "Alright, here's the rules. Anyone who takes three strikes from my whip without screaming, can go straight to Heaven. You can shield yourselves with whatever you like. We've got everything here. Who's first?" The America...

The Mexican President, the US President, and the Russian President are on a plane.

Before take off the pilot tells them that the plane is too heavy to fly. The Mexican President then pushes off all the tequila off the plane and says, “We got a lot of that in my country it’s fine.” Then the Russian President pushes off all the vodka and says “We got a lot of that in my country it’s...

What do you call a Russian that can't drive a standard?

Stallin'

A Serial Killer, Car Thief and Russian Spy walks into a bar

And that was just the first guy

We are moving today and our movers are Russian

But they ain’t Rushin

How do you know someone’s a Russian spy?

They’re Putin on an act.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Russian are looking at a painting of Adam and Eve

The Englishman admires it and says "Look at them, calm, reserved, and proper, they were surely English."

The Frenchmen laughs and replies "They are naked and beautiful, there is no doubt they would be French."

The Russian slowly shakes his head "No clothes, no house, no possessions, th...

An English athlete, a French athlete and a Russian athlete are all on the medal podium

An English athlete, a French athlete and a Russian athlete are all on the medal podium at the 1976 Summer Olympics chatting before the medal ceremony. "Don't get me wrong" says the Englishman, "winning a medal is very nice, but I still feel the greatest pleasure in life is getting home after a long ...

I hate Russian drivers

Because they keep Stalin me

A Russian man is standing in a food line...

When he suddenly looses it and turns to his friend behind him yelling.

“That’s it! I’ve had it with this line!”

His friend responds saying.

“What are you gonna do about it? Kill Gorbachev?”

“Yeah” Responded the man “I think I will!” He then storms out of line and goes t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Soviet Joke about Jews.

Little Jewish boy Moishe comes home, walks up to his mother, and says:

“Mom, mom, I wrote at school today in the column “Nationality" that I’m Russian! “Son, what do you eat for lunch every day?” - "Chicken!" - "And now you will eat potatoes, like all Russian children."

Moishe becomes ...

An American, a Mexican, and a Russian are riding a train

They decide to have a wager on who's the best burglar, the rules being the lights go down and the person steals as much as they can without getting caught in the amount of time the lights are down on their turn.

The Mexican goes first, the lights go down, and they come back on one minute late...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a Russian man with 3 testicles

Whodyanikabollockov

What do you call three Russians skiing down a small hill?

A Triple Low Ski

Workers from a small russian community recently gathered together to fix one of the bells in an old historical bell tower.

Because in soviet russia, bell saved by you!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An English woman, a French woman and a Russian Woman are talking about sex

English Woman: I just found a way to have fantastic sex with my husband: after he comes back home and takes a shower, i throw away his towel, grab his balls by my hand and i tell him "Harry, your balls are so hot!"

French Woman: And so what? Does it work?

English Woman: If it works? My...

An American and a Russian are arguing about freedom in their countries during the 1980s

American: Look, in my country I can walk into the Oval Office, pound the President's desk and say Mr. President, I don't like the way you're running our country.

Russian: Well, I can do that too.

American: You can?

Russian: Yes. I can walk into the Kremlin, go to the General Se...

The American President, the Russian President and the Chinese President are all riding in a chopper.

Suddenly, the American President, overcome with pride for his country, takes out a stack of bills from his pocket, and throws it out of the chopper, yelling, "My country has a lot of money!"

Seeing this, the Russian President takes out a bottle of vodka and throws it out, shouting, "My countr...

Russian computer: Please enter password

Me: Beef_stew
Russian computer: Password not stroganoff

The Russian government must be very rich

I read that you get blazing fast, uncensored, unlimited access across all of Russia to the Internyet.

An old Ukrainian is cleaning his hunting rifle one day when his grandson runs in

"Grandfather, the radio says that the Russians have gone into space!"

"All of them?" he asks, putting down his rifle.

"No, only one."

He starts cleaning the rifle again.

A Russian goes fishing

A Russian man decides to go fishing.

The man catches a magic golden fish.

The gold fish says: "If you let me go, I will give you 3 wishes."

The Russian man thinks, and says: "Ok sure I will set you free if you give me 3 wishes. For my first wish, I wish that all the water in the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

American tells to his Russian colleague:

"When Trump passes by, we all swear, spit, and throw rotten fruit on him"

The Russian:

"When Putin passes by, we all piss on him"

The American:

"I exaggerated a little - we swear whispering, spit aside, and while throwing, we don't hit".

The Russian:

"And I ...

A russian man is walking down the street

A russian man is walking down the street. He sees his friend Vladislav walking on the other side of the street. Waving his hand he shouts:
What is love!

Two Russians with two Americans on a sleigh in Siberia

Two Russians and two Americans travel on a sleigh in Siberia.

Suddenly, a pack of wolves appear, getting closer to the sleigh.

First Russian stands up:

- For the sake of the good relationship of our countries, I'll sacrifice myself! - and he jumps off to be torn apart by the wol...

Why are Russian cars so bad?

Because they’re always Stalin

Whats the Russian version of the movie Gremlins?

Kremlins.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Russian spy, a sexual predator and a billionaire walk into a bar

Bartender says "What can I get you Mr. President?"

How many Russians does it take to make Hillary Clinton lose an election?

None

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.