Told my son to stop playing Russian roulette, but you know how it is with kids...

In one ear, out the other.

A Russian enters a bar full of Turkish people.

He's wearing a t-shirt with bright lettering "Turkish got 3 problems."

Just a few seconds later the Turkishs oppose him and say "Hey, yopu know what you're wearing is insulting?"
The russian responds: "This is your first problem: You're so easily offended."

The Turkish respond: "Oka...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

This is classic Czech joke, I hope I transladed it well for you to understand the point.

Plane crashes on the island inhabitated only by cannibals. Only survivors are Czech, Russian, and American guy. The leader of cannibals tells them ,, everyone of us will bring us some fruit from the forest, or we will eat you”. American return with bag of apples, cannibals say ,, we will shove this ...

An American, an Indian, and a Russian got in Hell and plead to the Devil that they don't belong here. The Devil, bored, makes them an offer: "I will strike you 3 times with my whip, and if you survive, I'll let you go. You can use anything you want as a shield".

The American goes first. He builds a high-tech shield from depleted uranium and composites, and hides behind it. The Devil strikes once - the shield cracks; twice - the shield falls apart; thrice - the American is no more.

Next goes the Indian. He puts himself in some advanced Yoga position ...

I proposed to my Russian girlfriend and she said "yes!"

For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home town of Moscow.

It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, "You may now kiss the bride", but I just assumed it was purely an American thing and didn't mind.
...

I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician

And a Czech one too.
A Czech one too.

I hate Russian dolls

they're so full of themselves.

My friend loves playing Roulette, so I figured I would introduce him to Russian Roulette.

Blew his mind.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician.

He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...
"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think y...

Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said...

"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."

If me having a Russian accent means my B's sound like V's...

Soviet

An American, a Mexican, and a Russian are riding a train

They decide to have a wager on who's the best burglar, the rules being the lights go down and the person steals as much as they can without getting caught in the amount of time the lights are down on their turn.

The Mexican goes first, the lights go down, and they come back on one minute late...

A Russian oligarch walks down the street, when suddenly, a magical lamp drops before his feet.

He picks it up, rubs it, and a powerful djinn shoots out.

"Ah, hello, my dear friend. You are in luck, for I shall grant you three wishes this day!" says the oligarch to the djinn.

A man dies and goes to hell. Once there, he finds that there is a different hell for each country, so he tries to seek out the least painful one.

At the door to German Hell, he is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

He does not like the sound of that, so he checks out American Hell, Russia...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Russian and a Jew (long joke)

On a train to Moscow, a Jew and a Russian army captain were sharing a compartment, the Russian was little bigot and have stereotype towards Jews, so he asked the Jew, "Hey Jew how come you all are so smart" The Jew was eating herring so he kept quite and didn't reply, so the Russian keep on asking h...

A Russian man is standing in a food line...

When he suddenly looses it and turns to his friend behind him yelling.

“That’s it! I’ve had it with this line!”

His friend responds saying.

“What are you gonna do about it? Kill Gorbachev?”

“Yeah” Responded the man “I think I will!” He then storms out of line and goes t...

A russian man is walking down the street

A russian man is walking down the street. He sees his friend Vladislav walking on the other side of the street. Waving his hand he shouts:
What is love!

An American and a Russian are arguing about freedom in their countries during the 1980s

American: Look, in my country I can walk into the Oval Office, pound the President's desk and say Mr. President, I don't like the way you're running our country.

Russian: Well, I can do that too.

American: You can?

Russian: Yes. I can walk into the Kremlin, go to the General Se...

Upvotes are like a Russian tank turret.

More protection, less depression.

A Serial Killer, Car Thief and Russian Spy walks into a bar

And that was just the first guy

Three Russian prisoners sit in neighboring cells in the Gulag.

One of them asks the two others: "So what did you do?"

The first one answers: "Well, I arrived late at the factory, and so they accused me of slowing down the Revolution and the victory of the Proletariat."

The second one answers: "Well, I arrived early at the factory, and so they accu...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Soviet Joke about Jews.

Little Jewish boy Moishe comes home, walks up to his mother, and says:

“Mom, mom, I wrote at school today in the column “Nationality" that I’m Russian! “Son, what do you eat for lunch every day?” - "Chicken!" - "And now you will eat potatoes, like all Russian children."

Moishe becomes ...

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Russian are looking at a painting of Adam and Eve

The Englishman admires it and says "Look at them, calm, reserved, and proper, they were surely English."

The Frenchmen laughs and replies "They are naked and beautiful, there is no doubt they would be French."

The Russian slowly shakes his head "No clothes, no house, no possessions, th...

The American President, the Russian President and the Chinese President are all riding in a chopper.

Suddenly, the American President, overcome with pride for his country, takes out a stack of bills from his pocket, and throws it out of the chopper, yelling, "My country has a lot of money!"

Seeing this, the Russian President takes out a bottle of vodka and throws it out, shouting, "My countr...

Whats the Russian version of the movie Gremlins?

Kremlins.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Russian porn names

Onyaback Yabitch,
Popalotta Puss,
Tonguealotta Gash

How did the Russian mathematician celebrate 4/20?

He drank a fifth of vodka.

During 1945, 2 Russian pilots crashed their plane

On the radio, their last words were.

“Hey Ivan you always say you want make joke at your dying breath, what is it?” Said the co-pilot.

The pilot turns around

“Nothin’ much, just that we are Stalin’. “

What is the difference between a Russian funeral and a Russian wedding?

At the start of a funeral there's already one person who has drunk themselves to death.

When you go into the restroom you are Russian. When you come out of the restroom you are Finnish. So what are you inside the restroom?

European.

How many Russians does it take to make Hillary Clinton lose an election?

None

A Russian went to buy deodorant

"Ball, or aerosol?" the shop assistant asked him.

"No, just for under armpit."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a Russian with 3 testicles?

Whodyanickabollockov

What do you call a snarky Russian king in a deep sinkhole?

A tsarchasm

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Turk, an American and a Russian are going on a space mission.

They’ll have to stay for a year and observe various space anomalies.

Before they go, they are given the right of picking a stock of something they like for keeping their morale up.

Russian goes for Vodka and he gets 30 bottles of Smirnoff.

American wants some bacon, it’s granted...

A horse in Russia walks into a bar, with a thick Russian accent the horse asks the bartender to pour him a glass of vodka.

Before I go on with the rest of the joke, you should know this joke is about Descartes' famous philosophy of "I think therefore, I am." I'm explaining that part now, because in soviet Russia you put Descartes before the horse.

The bartender says "you're in here pretty often. Think you might b...

How did the Russians keep the Germans at bay in World War II?

They were Stalin

What did unsatisfied wife of Russian leader say?

"Vlaadimar!" Put it in

A Russian Joke

One day in second grade class, Vovochka received another bad grade. He says to his teacher: "Marivanna, one day I will become a very big and very important person, and you will feel bad for failing me."

The teacher replies, "Putin, stop clowning around and sit down."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do pussy and the Russian mafia have in common?

One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit.

Source: "The OA" Part II, Episode 8, 5:30

Why were cosmonauts on the Russian space station always bumping into things?

Because objects in Mir are closer than they appear.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An English woman, a French woman and a Russian Woman are talking about sex

English Woman: I just found a way to have fantastic sex with my husband: after he comes back home and takes a shower, i throw away his towel, grab his balls by my hand and i tell him "Harry, your balls are so hot!"

French Woman: And so what? Does it work?

English Woman: If it works? My...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

At the peak of the cold war the Russians started a project to mass produce war robots.

The plan was divided into 4 stages, in the first stage the scientists were tasked to perfect the technology of remotely controlling the robots.

The second stage was giving the robots a perfectly humanoid stucture and give them the ability to perfectly copy human actions.

T...

What do you call a Russian raspberry dipped in lighter fluid?

Rasp-butane

A good Russian joke about Russians :)

It goes smth like this (I may have modified some parts slightly so that it would sound better in English).

For their new research, several sociologists have designed a device that registers every expletive used in the immediate vicinity to determine how often swearing words are used by differ...

I don’t really like Russian food.

It tastes good, but it makes my stomach tzar

Why do all Russian Cosmonauts only drink black coffee?

Because in space, no one here use cream.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Russian farmer caught one of his cows masturbating. He slaughtered it and used the meat to invent a new dish.

He called it Beef Strokinoff.

Marsians took an American, a German and a Russian prisoners. They locked each of them in a separate room and gave each one a 10 litre bottle of vodka, stating that that whoever manages to drink all of his will be set free, otherwise they will be executed.

The next morning the Marsians discover the American, dead on the floor, having drunk only 1 litre.

In the next room, the see the German, passed out, having drunk only three litres. They take him to the pit of death where he is executed.

The Russian however, was banging on the door all ...

A Russian, a German and an American walk into a bar...

I ducked.

An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing the other day: "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What does the Russian first lady say when she wants sex?

Vladimir put in.

What did soviet Russians call an 8-hour bread line?

Fast food

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

American tells to his Russian colleague:

"When Trump passes by, we all swear, spit, and throw rotten fruit on him"

The Russian:

"When Putin passes by, we all piss on him"

The American:

"I exaggerated a little - we swear whispering, spit aside, and while throwing, we don't hit".

The Russian:

"And I ...

A Russian Scientist Teaches frogs to Jump on Command

Altogether he has four frogs. He says, "Jump, froggies, jump."

Interestingly enough they all jump at the same time.

He cuts off their front right legs to see if they jump differently. Indeed, they do. They jump on his verbal command once again.

He keeps amputating their limbs on...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why did the Russians get Donald Trump in a room with pissing prostitutes?

They were colluding to rig an erection.

A frenchman, an american and a russian are all caught by a tribe cannibals.

The chief meets with the three and tells them "We want to eat you. But we are a civilized people, so we will give you a chance live. To take this chance, your first task will be to bring to us 10 of any fruit you can find."

​

So the three go out into the wilderness looking f...

After the Russian election Putin meets with his staff

Staff: “Sir Comrade Vlad, we have got good news and bad news for you.”

Putin: “I’m not scared of bad news, I’ve wrestled bears, tigers and a small rhino with my bare Russian hands. Hit me!”

Staff: “Your opponent got 51% of the votes.”

Putin: “That is terrible news! What on earth...

An american soldier was a russian POW captive

One day his left arm got infected and they needed to amputate.
Can you send my arm back to America?
Yes
The next week his right arm got infected and needed to be amputated.
Can you send it back to america?
Yes
The next week his left leg got infected and needed to be amputated
...

Russian roulette

five out of six scientists claim that playing russian roulette its absolutely safe!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Russian spy, a sexual predator and a billionaire walk into a bar

Bartender says "What can I get you Mr. President?"

I once found a Catholic russian.

I told him that was very unorthodox.

A Russian, a Frenchman and an Englishman argued about Adam's nationality.

A Russian, a Frenchman and an Englishman argued about Adam's nationality.

The Frenchman said, "Of course Adam was French. Look how passionately he made love to Eve!"

The Englishman said, "Of course Adam was British. Look how he gave his only apple to the lady, like a real gentleman."...

What do you call when a Russian cause a delay?

Stalin for time.

We are making White Russians to celebrate the Mueller report release, but I can’t remember the recipe.

Kahlua-sion or no kahlua-sion?

What do you call russian roulette without a gun?

Roulette

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The biggest, toughest American soldier in the platoon in Eastern Europe limps in, badly injured....

His Captain yells, "Good Lord Corporal! What happened to you?"

"Well Captain", he says, wiping blood from his face, "I was out on watch, and I looked across the road. And I saw this Russian soldier, real big bastard. And I looked at him, and he looked at me. So I started walking towards him, ...

Russian spacecrafts designed in 1960s don't come around often

Soyuz them wisely.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An American and a Russian died and went to the gates of heaven and hell. They were greeted by an Angel.

The Angel said to them, “Because both of you are sinners, you’re are going to hell. However, you can choose between American hell and Russian hell. In American hell, most people are American and they have to eat a bucket of shit every day. In Russian hell, most people are Russian and they have to ea...

Russian joke

Two peasants, Boris and Igor are poor. Boris has a goat. Igor does not. One day while walking thru the woods, Igor meets a fairy. "What do you wish for?" She ask.

"I wish" Igor says "that Boris's goat should die"

Im opening a Russian import store to compete with Bed, Bath & Beyond.

Lenins & more

My father was the best at russian roulette...

He only lost once!

Indian people are a lot like Russian people.

They're always in a curry.

Russian archeologists made a big discovery

As they dug a 100 meter deep hole, they found old copper wires. They made a big, worldwide announcement that the Russians were an advanced species. Even 1000 years ago they already had a copper network.

The Americans couldn't cope with the Russians being advanced longer than the Americans, so...

So I was fornicating with a Russian girl...

faster faster! She yelled.

FASTER FASTER! She screamed.

FASTER PLEASE!

Then I said:

Babe stop, I'm not russian.

As told by my Russian wife

A man is at a bar. He sees a good looking woman, but she's a little older. Maybe in her 40s. He goes up to her and starts a conversation.

​

Halfway through she seems interested and asks an interesting question. She asks how he feels about a little mother-daughter action.
...

What do you call a drunken Russian?

Hammered and Sickled

An old Ukrainian is cleaning his hunting rifle one day when his grandson runs in

"Grandfather, the radio says that the Russians have gone into space!"

"All of them?" he asks, putting down his rifle.

"No, only one."

He starts cleaning the rifle again.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Pole, Russian and Englishman are flying a plane and arguing where they are

The Russian puts his hand outside the window and says:

"we're in Russia"

"it's cold"

Then the Englishman puts his hand outside the window and says:

"we're in England"
"it's wet"

And then the Pole puts his hand outside the window and as he pulls it back, he start...

What do you call a Russian president that's also Canadian?

Vladimir Poutine

A russian officer during the winter war hears someone shouting from behind a hill

"one Finnish soldier is worth 10 Russian soldiers!"
Wanting to prove a point the officer sends ten Russians over the hill. After some gunshots and screams the same voice shouts "one Finnish soldier is worth 100 Russian soldiers!" Enraged the officer sends 100 Russian soldiers over the hill. After...

A Russian meets his friend. He says, "Dima, my friend, you look so grim, what's the matter?"

"You see, Petya, every night my wife keeps having dreams where she's seeing Putin" says Dima.

"So?" says Petya.

Dima replies, "Yesterday I yelled at her and told her to stop seeing him."

"What happened next?" probes Petya.

And Dima replies, "Last night, I had a dream wher...

The Russian pretzel

Three Americans were up against a very large Russian in a wrestling meet. They were nervous because he had a famous move called "The Russian Pretzel," which often landed his opponents in the hospital.

When the first American caught a glimpse of him, he said, "Coach, he's HUGE. I'm scared."...

If you're American when you enter the washroom and Russian when you leave, what are you when you're on the john?

~~European!~~ President Donald Trump

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Russian, a Frenchman and a German...

...go high diving at a swimming pool. They each get to wish for a liquid to jump in.

The russian goes first. He gets up the tower, of course, wishes for vodka and so he lands ina pool full of vodka.

Next up was the Frenchman. He climbed the tower, shouted "Wine!" and he jumped into t...

A Russian plane is falling down....

One pilot says to the other
"AHHH WE'RE STALIN"

The Russian winter...

...helped the Russian people defeat Hitler during WW2 and Napoleon before him. This year it invaded the USA on its own.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

This message is URGENT; it came from a PHARMACIST!

If you or anyone you know are taking the Viagra pill, make sure it says:

"Made in USA"!

We do not want the Russians meddling in our erections.

There's only one problem with this Russian Roulette club

Every year it gets smaller and smaller

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A problem with Russian names and homophobia

Russians be like:

We're extremely homophobic! no gay shit allowed.

@

There's a newborn baby! Oh, is it a boy? Call him SIR GAY!

Syka blyat...

What does it say on a Russian USB drive?

Putin

A Russian walks into a bar and orders 4 shots of vodka

The barman serves him his shots, the Russian drinks, pays and leaves.

A month goes by and the Russian is back. Orders 4 shots as the prior month, drinks pays and leaves.

Same on the 3rd, 4th and 5th months.

By the 6th month, the barman curiously asks the Russian why does he come...

I was having lunch with the Russian President when all of a sudden he vomited...

It was very off Putin

(This is one of my first jokes, pls don't hate)

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why dont Russians give a shit about anything?

... because they are a part of the so-be-it union