I told my son to stop playing Russian roulette, but you know how it is with kids...

In one ear, out the other!

I hate Russian dolls...

so full of themselves.

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My girlfriend and I played Russian Roulette once

We had sex afterwards even though she lost

What do you call a Russian android with poor coverage?

Data Roaminoff.

I have a friend who is a Russian sounds engineer

And a Czech one too

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A Russian spy, a sexual predator and a billionaire walks into a bar.

Bartender says, "What can I get you Mr. President.?"

My friend developed a video streaming app that rejects every choice you make, and plays random Russian videos instead

He calls it *Nyetflix*

An American and a Russian are arguing about who's country is better

The American says, "See in America you can walk into the president's oval office, pound his desk and say, Mr.President I don't like the way you're running your country."

The Russian says, "Well, I can do that."

The American questions, "You can?"

The Russian explains, "Yes, I can...

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A Russian goes to Thailand

A Russian goes to Thailand and is hanging out with the locals. He asks if they've ever played Russian roulette.


"We have our own version. There are six women. You pick one, and she gives you a blowjob."


"What's the danger in that?"


"One of them is a man."

A Russian, a Frenchman, and an Englishman are in an art museum admiring a painting of Adam and Eve in the gardens of Eden.

The Englishman takes a look at the painting and says "They look so calm, they must be British!"

The Frenchmen responds "no no! They're naked, so beautiful, they must be French!"

The Russian says "They have no food, no shelter, nothing but an apple to eat, and they are being told this...

Why do Russian Cosmonauts only drink black coffee?

Because in space, no one here use cream.

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Lying on his deathbed is a Russian Communist

His friends are gathered around him all somber. The old man turns to one of them and says,

"Dimitri, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me."

"Oh, no worries buddy," says Dimitri.

The Communist t...

I have a Russian friend who always asks me to try vodka even though I don't like it.

Well I guess if he insists so much, Soviet.

Where do Russians buy their coffee?

Tsarbucks

An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Russian are looking at a painting of Adam and Eve The Englishman admires it and says, "Look at them, calm, reserved and proper, they were surely English."

The Frenchmen laughs and replies "They are naked and beautiful, there is no doubt they would be French."

The Russian slowly shakes his head, "My friends, they are definitely Russian. No clothes, no house, no possessions, they have only an apple to eat and they are told this is paradise."

You're Russian when you head to the bathroom, and you're American when you come out of the bathroom. What are you in the bathroom?

European.

My grandfather is a Russian immigrant, so the last few years have been really hard for him. But I'm thrilled to share that he's achieved his dream of opening a bakery!

Please join me in wishing him luck with Vladimir Gluten.

A Russian enters a bar full of Turkish people.

He's wearing a t-shirt with bright lettering "Turkish got 3 problems."

Just a few seconds later the Turkishs oppose him and say "Hey, yopu know what you're wearing is insulting?"
The russian responds: "This is your first problem: You're so easily offended."

The Turkish respond: "Oka...

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20 black people, 13 Jewish people, 18 Chinese people, 10 Russians and 26 white people are in a bar...

It's crowded.

Did you hear about the guy who slapped a Russian priest?

He was quite unorthodox

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I know that "adios" means "bye" in Spanish, "au revoir" is "bye" in French, and "ciao" is "see you later" in Italian, but I've always wondered how you say "bye" in Japanese, Russian, and Icelandic.

I guess you could say I'm bye curious.

What's the difference between a drunk russian and a brit?

Nothing, they both drive on the wrong side of the road

A French spy, an English spy, and an Italian spy were sent to the USSR.

Unfortunately, they were caught within a few days and held in captivity for a week. Then they were tortured for information.

The French spy was first. They tied him, tortured him, and after 20 minutes he gave them all his information.

The English spy fared the same. After being tied an...

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An American and a Russian are arguing over which country offers their citizens more freedom.

The American says, “I could take a piss on the Statue of Liberty in the middle of the day and nothing would happen to me.”

The Russian says, “Oh ya, I could drop my pants and take a shit in the middle of Red Square at lunch time and nothing would happen to me.”

They finish off a couple...

Q: What is the difference between Russian wedding and Russian funeral?

A: There is one sober person in a Russian funeral.

How do Russians call a fat woman?

Mos-cow!

Joke translated from Russian

I young writer asks his dad to help with the title for the first book he has written. Without reading the book, dad asks his son:

<Dad> Is there anything about drum?

<Son> No, there is nothing about drums..

<Dad> Anything about trumpets?

<Son> And ...

I’m a great Russian Roulette player!

I’ve only lost once!

what does a russian vampire say?

\*\*I'm gonna cyka blyat\*\*

I want to share a Russian pun with you all

But it it gets downvoted to hell then so-v-iet

I proposed my Russian girlfriend and she said Yes!

For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home in Moscow.

It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things really strange. For instance, the priest never said, "You may now kiss the bride", but I just assumed it was purely an American thing and didn't mind.
<...

A Russian, an American, and a Canadian

A Russian, an American, and a Canadian were at a bar.

The Russian says,"We were the first in space!"

The American says, "We were the first on the moon!"

The Canadian is silent for a while, and then exclaims confidently, "Then we shall be the first on the sun!"

Both give h...

A taste of Russian humor

Ivan had worked at the wheelbarrow factory for as long as anyone could remember, and the day of his retirement had finally arrived. He was well respected and even liked by all his coworkers, and his boss wanted to give him his last farewell at the end of his last day while he was walking out, so he...

What do you call a Russian who can not drive stick

Stallin!

When Trump is outed as a Russian spy...

Can we call him Agent Orange?

Russian Connection

If the internet disconnects in Russia, do they call it the internyet?

The elephantine Russian emperor held an open air market for strange wooden dowels.

It was Tsar Babar's bizarre bar bazaar.

Three Russian men are talking in the Gulag.

One of them asks the two others: "So what did you do?"

The first one answers: "Well, I arrived late at the factory, and so they accused me of slowing down the Revolution and the victory of the Proletariat."

The second one answers: "Well, I arrived early at the factory, and so they accu...

Bad, long, and written by Russian who doesn’t know English grammar

Old poor man is traveling on his old camel through the desert under intense heat

His camel had no opportunity to drink for too long, and so it is very tiered.

Then, a caravan of camels loaded with various goods, food and water and leaded by a strong young man catches up with an old m...

I bought this old Russian car from a guy down the street from me... Little did I know it was fitted with a bomb and warning sound.

The explosion was like Lada-bing, Lada-Boom.

If pronouncing my v's as b's makes me sound Russian

Then soviet.

What fo you call a russian tree

Dimitri

Why shouldn’t you wear Russian Y-fronts?

Because Chernobyl fall out.

Cold War Era Joke: This Russian dude had a talking parrot. A very special parrot who loved cursing the regime, and the Communist party leaders. One day, hard knocks on the door, "KGB, open up!". The guy hides the parrot in the freezer. The KGB searches the apartment and cannot find the parrot.

The KGB agents give the guy a warning. Once they leave, he runs to the freezer takes out the shivering bird and hugs it and tells the parrot to curse the revolution. The parrot is mum. "Com'on curse Brezhniev , curse the KGB. The parrot looks at the guy and says "I've just been to Siberia! I'm not t...

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Russian, American and German got caught by a tribe of cannibals

Cannibals told them:

\- We'll give you 2 tasks. Do them separately and we will release you

3 guys agreed

\- Ok. First task is - each one of you should bring us 10 fruits

Russian, American and German went into the forest. A few hours later, German comes back with 10 apples...

What's the Russian word for a fighter plane?

Jetski

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What do you call a Russian with three testicles? NSFW

Whodyanicka Bollockoff

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How do you call a russian girl who just had orgasm?

So vet

An American, an Indian, and a Russian got in Hell and plead to the Devil that they don't belong here. The Devil, bored, makes them an offer: "I will strike you 3 times with my whip, and if you survive, I'll let you go. You can use anything you want as a shield".

The American goes first. He builds a high-tech shield from depleted uranium and composites, and hides behind it. The Devil strikes once - the shield cracks; twice - the shield falls apart; thrice - the American is no more.

Next goes the Indian. He puts himself in some advanced Yoga position ...

Where do Russians send their ghosts?

To the Ghooouuulllll-lag

Why does everyone have such an issue with Russian satellites?

It’s none of our business if they want to build a Death Tzar

An old Russian man wants to visit his old friend in Germany.

An old Russian man remembers a good friend he had in east Germany, and he decides he should go check up. He doesn't have enough money for a plane, however, so he decides he will drive. The next morning he and his wife get into their car and start driving. Several hours go by on the empty road and af...

The Russian President doesnt even have a russian accent...

he's just Putin' it on

What do you call Russian student who seems like he'll never finish college?

Stalling grad

I used to know a Russian sound engineer who said DA to test microphones.

And a Czech one too. A Czech one too.

A Russian Doctor invented circumcision

Dr Ivan Karchakokov

Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first

Him: this is an automatic

Me: my house my rules

What did the Russian dictator say to his guards when spies came to assassinate him

Stalem

What does a russian spy and a teenager have in common

They both have erased history

What do you call it when a russians wifi fails?

Internyet

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a homosexual russian?

Sir gay

Anyone heard about the Russian guy who really hated waking up in the morning?

I think his name was Grigori Alarmoff.

What video streaming service do Russians use?

Niet-flix

Did you hear about the guy who played russian roulette with a semiautomatic?

He got the first round.

what do call a quiet Russian bee?

a cagey bee

"The Russians wouldn't lie about radiation levels, would they?"

"Sure, no bull."

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Son, have a vodka with me!

- No, thanks, dad.
- Come, have a drink with your father!
- Dad, I'm 5. -
Dad is shitfaced but he insists:
- Ok, just one shot.
The kid drinks it and start crying:
- Ewwwww, it's disgustiiiiiiing!
- Ha! You see?! And your mother thinks I'm sitting here having fun!

(Russi...

The 2020 election results are in!

Oh sorry, this is just for us Russians.

Russian Joke - what is the fastest thing you know

Teacher asks students what is the fastest thing they know.

Olya says: "Light is the fastest, you flip a switch, and there it is, very fast"

Teacher: "Good job, anyone else?"

Petya says: "Words are fast. You speak it, and people hear you in an instant"

Teacher: "Anyone el...

A Russian, a Texan, and a New Yorker are at a restaurant in London

The waiter comes up and says,”Excuse me but, we do not have any steak on the menu due to a shortage.” The Russian asks,”What’s steak?” The Texan asks,”What’s a ‘shortage’?” The New Yorker asks,”What’s ‘Excuse Me’?”

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician.

He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...
"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think y...

A Russian dictator is stuck for an excuse as to why he shouldn't resign...

"Hey! Quit Stalin!"

Standing on the beach after the great proletariat revolution of 1907, what did one Russian say to the other?

serfs up!

Eating her cooking is like playing Russian roulette.

I never know which meal is going to kill
me.

Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said...

"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."

The 80s, an American and a Russian are arguing about which country has more freedom.

The American says, “I can walk right up to the White House and shout 'Down with Reagan!' and nothing bad will happen to me.” The Russian replies, “Guess what? I can walk in front of Kremlin and shout 'Down with Reagan!' and nothing will happen to me either.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Russian, an American, and an Irishman is in a bar, drinking and bragging (long)

The russian guy says: "in Russia, we have the biggest fleet in the world - if we put all our ships up, front to end on the atlantic, you could walk from Amstedam to New York"

The American says: "yes, but we have the largest airforce, if we flew all our planes over europe, the entire continent...

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A russian man and his wife are into BDSM

A russian man, Vladislav, and his wife, Anna, are very into BDSM and roleplay and have very kinky sex every night. One night, when they are both particularly into it, Anna decides that she can't take much more. Only issue is, Anna can't remember the safeword. She starts telling her husband to stop, ...

Six reasons not to play russian roulette.

The fifth one will blow your mind!

I have concluded that UB40 do not like Russians

Only fools Russian.....

What's a Russians favorite side dish?

Cold Slav.

Which game ruins the most relationships??

Russian Roulette

One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has just been deported.

Now we don't have Oleg to stand on.

A Russian spy meets the minister of defence...

The Russian minister of defence calls Boris Morozov, the best spy in Russia, to infiltrate the American army and find out why they excel so much in combat.

"Understood" says Boris. " I will infiltrate the US army for a year and then I will come back to motherland with findings"

And so...

Russian weather joke

I was in Russia with my wife and the weather was a little bit weird. I insisted that it was rain, my wife insisted it was snow.

We decided to ask one of the Russian Communists there. I introduced myself and he said his name was Rudolph. I then asked about the weather. And he said it was clear...

A Russian guy named Yuri, opens a new national company.

It's called Urination.

Double negative

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day, "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative."

"However," he pointed out, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a nega...

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The Russian President:

At a KHL game: Vladimir Rutin

At a gun range: Vladimir Shutin

Imitating an owl: Vladimir Hutin

With a wheat harvest: Vladimir Gultin

Looking Amphibious: Vladimir Newtin

Rioting and stealing shit: Vladimir Lutin

Bungling a ground ball: Vladimir Butin
...

A Serial Killer, Car Thief and Russian Spy walks into a bar

And that was just the first guy

A pit for each nation in hell

A man dies and he gets a guided tour of hell from the devil, before he can go to heaven.

First they see a huge pit full of hot tar, and people screaming in agony. There's barbed wire around the pit, and guards with rifles.

The man asks: What's this?

And the devil says: this pit ...

My friend loves playing Roulette, so I figured I would introduce him to Russian Roulette.

Blew his mind.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Russian and a Jew (long joke)

On a train to Moscow, a Jew and a Russian army captain were sharing a compartment, the Russian was little bigot and have stereotype towards Jews, so he asked the Jew, "Hey Jew how come you all are so smart" The Jew was eating herring so he kept quite and didn't reply, so the Russian keep on asking h...

I once heard a Russian roulette joke.

It unexpectedly blew away my mind.

An alien, a lawyer, a priest, a Russian, and a dog all walk into a bar...

...and the bartender says, "What is this, a joke?"

Where do they send the ironic Russian emperors?

The Tsar Chasm

I can’t bear it

A Russian scientist and a Czechoslovakian scientist had spent their whole lives studying the majestic grizzly bear. Each year they petitioned their respective governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone to study these wondrous beasts.

Finally, their request was granted and they immediately...

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An old Russian man is at his dying wife's bedside.

The doctor on visit to their apartment looks her over and says, "I'm terribly sorry, but the only way to save your wife is to have anal sex with her."

"I can't do it," says the man, "I'm a loyal Communist and have dutifully served my country. I fought the entire war and earned many medals, in...

Where do Russians get their milk from?

From Mos-cows

I've recently discovered how amazing russian roulette is

It's absolutely mind blowing

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A Russian metal worker named Yetzel lives in the countryside.

Every day he does back-breaking work at a factory, pounding metal slabs and preparing them to be sold. He make 2 rubles a month, and goes through many hardships daily, what with barely having enough money to feed his 29 children and provide clothes for them all.

One day, Yetzel goes to the re...

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An Afghan...

An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, ...

I was thinking about moving to Moscow...

but there's no point Russian into things

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A US Army General was visiting a base in Bulgaria

His tour of the base brought him into the infirmary, where a US soldier was lying in a bed in really bad shape. In the next bed, there was a Russian soldier in similar shape. Afraid that this might lead to an incident, the General asked the US soldier to tell him what happened.

“Well, sir,” b...

A homeless man decides to rob a Russian restaurant.

Since it was so early, the only one that was working at that time was the scrawny waitor as the chef/boss had gone to run a quick errand. The homeless man, only waving his fists, threatened the waitor to give him his best food or "he would be in a world of hurt". Even though the waitor was as skinny...

What’s a Russians favorite book store?

Barnes & Chernobyl

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