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Britain Jokes

In Britain, when you turn 100, you get a letter from the Queen.

And when you turn 16, you get a text from Prince Andrew.

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The United States and Britain are having a competition on who can fuck themselves up the most.

Britain is in the lead, but America has a Trump card.

If Britain leaves the EU, how much space will be freed up?

1GB

In Britain we call it a "lift" but Americans call it an "elevator".

I guess we're just raised differently.

What’s the largest export of Great Britain?

Independence days

Q : With Britain leaving EU soon, how much space will be freed up?

A: 1 GB

A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he was looking for a job."

The German doctor replies: "That's nothing. In Germany, we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he was looking for a job."

The Russian doctor replies: "Well, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he was looking for a job."

The...

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When the Romans Conquered Britain

In the mid 1st century CE one of the problems they did not anticipate was the rampant fraud being conducted in the bronze trade. Tradesmen who shaped the metal would buy it from merchants who bought it from the miners in the form of bars of bronze, already mixed from copper and tin.

The...

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Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft.

The study took two years and cost over $1.2 million.
The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.
After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject.
...

My father once asked me if I knew the difference between heaven and hell…

“In heaven” he said, “the Italians make the food and the British run the government”

He then paused and said, “In hell, the British make the food and the Italians run the government”

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender g...

In the 80s, Britain only had three channels

BBC 1, BBC 2, and The English Channel

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My grandad was a WWII veteran. In just one day during the Battle of Britain, he destroyed 8 German aircraft killing a total of 32 Nazi aviators.

He was easily the worst aircraft mechanic the Luftwaffe has ever had.

Britain has invented a new missile

It's called the civil servant - it doesn't work and it can't be fired.

Trump cancelled his trip to Britain because he doesn’t want to go anywhere he doesn’t feel welcome...

So what’s he still doing in the white house?

The US should rejoin Great Britain

Its not like we mind Taxation without representation anymore.

Britain's oldest woman turned 114 today

When asked the secret of her longevity, she attributed it to taking a walk at midnight every night. When quizzed on whether she was concerned about the increase in muggings in recent years, she said that she was not, and would continue mugging people as long as her health holds out.

What’s the difference btw an Onion and an Englishman?

No one cries when you cut up an Englishman

Note: don’t know if the context helps, but a friend heard this from a Scottish tour guide on a trip to Britain.

How much free space does the EU have since Great Britain left?

1 GB

The Geography of a Woman:

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa. Half discovered, half wild, fertile, and naturally Beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like the USA. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain. Very hot, r...

Britain just announced that from next year, they will put a cap on new immigrants. I vehemently disagree with this policy.

Immigrants should be allowed to put whatever head dress they prefer.

Why did Britain change its name to Brian?

Because those dang colonists got rid of their tea.

What do they call a male chicken in britain?

Rorchestershire

When the Romans landed in Britain...

When the Romans landed in Britain,

The weather proved a teaser!

The emperor asked "Could this be rain?",

But the answer was "Hail, Caesar"

What is Britain without T?

Anarchy

An Australian is visiting Britain...

He's from a small rural village and is completely unfamiliar with traffic rules and street lights and just crosses streets whenever. After almost getting hit by cars several times and lots of honking a police officer sees him and shouts: "Oi! You there, did you come here to die?" The Aussie replies:...

Some people from Britain call themselves "Bri-ish" because

After the incident in Boston Harbor they need to hide their T

I hear the new PM has a bold plan to solve Britain's energy woes

Gaslighting.

Britain should have written a break up note

"It's not EU, it's me"

Every 4th of July, America sends Britain a locket with a little tiny picture of the United States in it. They want to remind the crown that America is still...

(•_•)

( •_•)>⌐■-■

(⌐■_■)

In *da* pendent

My grandfather would be very happy with what Boris Johnson's leadership has done to Britain.

But then again, he was in the SS.

I have never cared for talent shows like America's Got Talent, Britain's Got Talent, etc.

I think its all staged.

Why does Britain only have 25 letters in the Alphabet?

Because America destroyed their T

Seems like nothing is produced in Britain anymore.

Even my new TV was built in Antenna according to the box.

What do you call Britain without tea?

Briain.

If Britain lost the second World War...

Would the Prime Minister be known as Loseton Churchill?

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In America we call it "restroom" but in Britain they call it "toilet"

It's the same shit though

Why did Great Britain send male convicts to Australia?

To set up a penile colony!

Britain is the best place for foodies.

You loose pounds everytime you eat

Heard that Poland is a lot like Britain...



Just with fewer Polish people

To the "Remain" crowd in Britain... come to Canada!

Half of the US is moving here soon anyhow.

Hey baby, are you Britain?

Cos you're uncomfortably wet and can't decide if you want to be in or out

Why dont you ever see penguins in Great Britain?

Because theyre scared of Wales

Remember when Britain was still part of the EU?

I still remember it like it was yesterday.

US follows Britain

BRITAIN: "Hey, America, watch this!"

*BRITAIN SETS ITSELF ON FIRE*

USA: "Cool. Can I borrow your lighter?"

A Russian man is travelling across Britain

A Russian man is travelling across Britain , he pops to a corner shop and buys some British Snacks to try. He takes the food to the Till and the cashier says: “that’ll be £12,50 please.” To which the Russian replies “Vat?”
“Oh that’s already taken care of mate.”

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Britain can now say....

...Its pull out game is strong!

An American is moving to Britain...

...So he decides to learn the british way of spelling things. So he spoke to a Brit he knew and he was told the following:
"So: Color turns into colour. Harbor turns into harbour. honor becomes honour. Starting to notice a pattern?"
So he writes an e-mail to his new boss:

"Gououd mourni...

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A team of Nazi spies parachutes in Britain during WW2.

They're all well-trained, they know their mission, they have their legends. But when they're still above the ocean, suddenly a terrible thunderstorm hits them. The hurricane scatters them, some of them smash into the cliffs, others hit the waves and drown. Only one last spy, by sheer luck or miracle...

Donald Trump...

-A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits the Middle East.
-Two million Muslims die and over a million are injured.
-Iraq, Iran and Syria are totally ruined and the governments don't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.
-The rest of the world ...

What did France, Great Britain, and their allies say after The Great War?

World War Won

What do you call someone who is only kind of from Britain?

Brit-ish

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The Britain had just colonized Malaysia, three local criminals were caught and brought to the British Commander...

"They committed such deadly crimes, they should be beheaded!" The Lieutenant suggested the Commander.

Hearing that, the three criminals pleaded for their lives to the Commander.

The Commander agreed to let them live under one condition, which was to collect 10 fruits of same type.
<...

What have Britain and Warner Brothers/DC got in common?

Neither of them know how to handle an EU.

In America, everything is opposite of Britain

For example:

In Britain, people drive on the left

In America, they drive on the right






In Britain, you watch the TV

In America, the TV watches you

Great Britains new Prime Minister

Did you see that Boris Johnson might be the next Prime Minister of Great Britain? I remember when the U.S. had a BJ in the top office!

The King of the magical land Wakanda invited the President of the United States and the Queen of Britain to visit.

When they arrived, the Royal Guide of Wakanda brought them to the Palace.
"I should warn you, the beauty and luxury you will see is unparalleled." he said.
They both snorted haughtily. Surely this third-world country couldn't compete with their own riches.

But when they entered, they we...

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Why was Great Britain pissed after the Revolutionary War?

Because they had to say to the United States
"Ur-a-nation"

What do Great Britain and bad house-guests have in common?

They take forever to leave...

I hear the best deals on lipo-suction can be found in Great Britain...

...Pound for pound.

A Roman soldier was guarding a cross roads in ancient Britain, when a druid walks up.

The Roman stops him and asks, "What is your name and where are you going, pleb?"

"My name is Churry and I am to meet your General in Londinium."

He thought for a moment, and then the Roman sent Churry on.

The knife that Abraham used to kill Isaac has been found in Britain.

Apparently, it was a Dyson.

So, there I was, at this pub in Great Britain,....

I notice these two women, both cute but a bit chubby. I approached the girls and asked "Are you two ladies from Scotland"?, to which the heftier one replied "It's Wales you idiot"! Taken a bit aback by this, I replied "Oh, sorry. Are you two Whales from Scotland"?

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Looking back on Britain's 2016.

The year most middle aged men went from wanting to fuck Nigella to wanting to fuck Nigel

up.

Trump is President of the United States and Britain left the EU.

APRIL FOOLS'!

Ah...wait...

Everyone in Britain prefers brushes over vacuum cleaners when it comes to tidying their floors.

Sorry if that's a sweeping generalisation.

Thinking about how much weight I've put on over the pandemic, I can't help wishing that I stayed in Britain…

I'd eat pizza every day and I'd just keep losing pounds.

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Did you hear that the first Viagra crate imported to Britain was stolen?

Police are searching for hardened criminals in possession of swollen goods

A man and woman in Britain became the oldest couple in the world to divorce

they are both 98 years old. It was an ugly breakup. She found another woman’s teeth in their bedroom.

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WW1 as a bar fight...

Serbia is walking across the bar with a beer in his hand. He bumps into Austria, and spills some beer on his pant leg. Austria is furious, and demands Serbia pay for an entire suit. Serbia can't afford this, so he offers to pay for the dry cleaning.

They argue, Russia tells Austria to back o...

Britain's got pretty racist since the referendum;

I was behind a Latvian couple in Tesco yesterday and the lady behind the checkout asked if they wanted any help packing...

Britain used to send kids up chimneys to sweep them. It was hazardous and many got ill and died.

Until we developed the flue vaccine.

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If World War One were a bar fight.

Germany, Austria and Italy are standing together in the middle of a pub when Serbia bumps into Austria and spills Austria's pint. Austria demands Serbia buy it a complete new suit because there are splashes on its trouser leg. Germany expresses its support for Austria's point of view. Britain recomm...

What do you call the Dollar Tree stores in Britain?

Pound Town

What's Imperial Britain's favorite game?

Clash of Clans

Why is Iraq like the weather in Britain?

Because it's either Sunni or Shiite

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I was in tesco in Britain this morning

I was in tesco this morning and one of the cashiers asked the foreign couple in front of me if they wanted help packing their bags. Fuck sake love the vote was only yesterday give them a chance

Plane with 5 passengers on board, Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Angela Merkel, The Pope and a ten year old school boy. The plane is about to crash and there are only 4 parachutes.

Plane with 5 passengers on board, Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Angela Merkel, The Pope and a ten year old school boy. The plane is about to crash and there are only 4 parachutes.

Trump said I need one. I’m the smartest man in the USA and am needed to sort out the problems of the World!’, take...

A German tourist visits a brothel in Britain.

Johannes, a middle-aged German tourist on his first visit to the UK finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He...

A man invested in a weight loss diet from Britain

He lost 10,000 pounds! But it didn't work

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Britain is like a man on a toilet...

It just wanted to get rid of that shit and leave.

What is Britain's most popular newspaper amongst breastfeeding mothers?

The Daily Express.

Gary Oldman has had to drastically change his appearance to star in a biopic about one Britain's electronic music pioneers.

Guess he's going to be a Gary Numan.

With the Brexit vote being compared to the Presidential election, I have only one thing to say

Make America Great Britain again!

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So Putin decides to change Russia's Identity

He calls the Queen of Great Britain for advice.

Putin - "Queen Elizabeth, I'd like to have Russia be a Kingdom. I feel it would give it the gravitas it deserves"

The Queen - "But Vladimir, you need to have a king to be a Kingdom"

Putin - "Well what about a Principality then?" ...

This joke won an award for the Best Joke in a competition held in Britain

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