In Britain, when you turn 100, you get a letter from the Queen.

And when you turn 16, you get a text from Prince Andrew.

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The United States and Britain are having a competition on who can fuck themselves up the most.

Britain is in the lead, but America has a Trump card.

Britain's fattest man has died.

The cremation will be next Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday.

What’s the largest export of Great Britain?

Independence days

A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he was looking for a job."

The German doctor replies: "That's nothing. In Germany, we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he was looking for a job."

The Russian doctor replies: "Well, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he was looking for a job."

The...

Why did Great Britain send male convicts to Australia?

To set up a penile colony!

A man new to Britain came upon two somewhat large ladies chatting. Fascinated by their accents he asked them "Are you ladies from England?" They replied "Wales." The man then said . . .

I'm sorry. Are you Whales from England?"

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A world war 2 fighter pilot is giving a talk to a group of school children about the Battle of Britain

An RAF veteran from the free Polish forces is giving a talk to a class of young school children and was trying to explain what the battle of Britain was like.

" Out of the blue we were attacked by a bunch of Fokkers. There were about 20 of these Fokkers. One took out my buddy, but I managed ...

Some people from Britain call themselves "Bri-ish" because

After the incident in Boston Harbor they need to hide their T

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Boris Johnson dies...

His soul arrives in heaven and he is met by St.Peter at the Pearly Gates. Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there's a problem: We seldom see a Conservative here and we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in; I'm a believer," says Johnso...

If Britain lost the second World War...

Would the Prime Minister be known as Loseton Churchill?

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Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft.

The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds. It concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.

After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. The...

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The Britain had just colonized Malaysia, three local criminals were caught and brought to the British Commander...

"They committed such deadly crimes, they should be beheaded!" The Lieutenant suggested the Commander.

Hearing that, the three criminals pleaded for their lives to the Commander.

The Commander agreed to let them live under one condition, which was to collect 10 fruits of same type.
<...

An American wins 2000 pounds gambling in Britain.

As he receives his winnings, all he can say is:

“That’s a ton of money”

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, “Hey Senor, I would like the world’s best beer, a Corona.” The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, “I’d like the best beer in the world, give me ‘The King Of Beers’, a Budweiser.” The bartender g...

Thinking about how much weight I've put on over the pandemic, I can't help wishing that I stayed in Britain…

I'd eat pizza every day and I'd just keep losing pounds.

What did France, Great Britain, and their allies say after The Great War?

World War Won

An Australian is visiting Britain...

He's from a small rural village and is completely unfamiliar with traffic rules and street lights and just crosses streets whenever. After almost getting hit by cars several times and lots of honking a police officer sees him and shouts: "Oi! You there, did you come here to die?" The Aussie replies:...

If Britain leaves the EU, how much space will be freed up?

1GB

Trump cancelled his trip to Britain because he doesn’t want to go anywhere he doesn’t feel welcome...

So what’s he still doing in the white house?

Britain used to send kids up chimneys to sweep them. It was hazardous and many got ill and died.

Until we developed the flue vaccine.

A Roman soldier was guarding a cross roads in ancient Britain, when a druid walks up.

The Roman stops him and asks, "What is your name and where are you going, pleb?"

"My name is Churry and I am to meet your General in Londinium."

He thought for a moment, and then the Roman sent Churry on.

Everyone in Britain prefers brushes over vacuum cleaners when it comes to tidying their floors.

Sorry if that's a sweeping generalisation.

A team of British archaeologists dug to a depth of 15 feet and found an intricate network of copper wires.

From this, the team concluded that the Britain was advanced enough to have telephone connections in their cities 150 years ago.

In response to this, American archaeologists started their own expedition. They dug up to a depth of 20 feet and found an even more expansive network of copper wires...

What did the German tourist in Britain say when they saw something illegal?

Nien Nien Nien!

Seems like nothing is produced in Britain anymore.

Even my new TV was built in Antenna according to the box.

Heard that Poland is a lot like Britain...



Just with fewer Polish people

Q : With Britain leaving EU soon, how much space will be freed up?

A: 1 GB

I've heard that the best deals on plastic surgery can be found in Great Britain...

...pound for pound.

What do you call someone who is only kind of from Britain?

Brit-ish

What did Britain say to its trade partners?

See EU later.

Remember when Britain was still part of the EU?

I still remember it like it was yesterday.

Gary Oldman has had to drastically change his appearance to star in a biopic about one Britain's electronic music pioneers.

Guess he's going to be a Gary Numan.

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My grandad was a WWII veteran. In just one day during the Battle of Britain, he destroyed 8 German aircraft killing a total of 32 Nazi aviators.

He was easily the worst aircraft mechanic the Luftwaffe has ever had.

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If the Great War was a bar fight

Germany, Austria and Italy are standing together in the middle of a pub when Serbia bumps into Austria and spills Austria's pint. Austria demands Serbia buy it a complete new suit because there are splashes on its trouser leg. Germany expresses its support for Austria's point of view. Britain recomm...

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A team of Nazi spies parachutes in Britain during WW2.

They're all well-trained, they know their mission, they have their legends. But when they're still above the ocean, suddenly a terrible thunderstorm hits them. The hurricane scatters them, some of them smash into the cliffs, others hit the waves and drown. Only one last spy, by sheer luck or miracle...

Why dont you ever see penguins in Great Britain?

Because theyre scared of Wales

The knife that Abraham used to kill Isaac has been found in Britain.

Apparently, it was a Dyson.

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Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-week strike on Wednesday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife

Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.


The unrest began last Tuesday, when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death, would be cut by 25% this February from 72 to 54. A spokesman said increases in rec...

Britain's oldest woman turned 114 today

When asked the secret of her longevity, she attributed it to taking a walk at midnight every night. When quizzed on whether she was concerned about the increase in muggings in recent years, she said that she was not, and would continue mugging people as long as her health holds out.

What did America say to Britain when it fell over?

U.K.?

This year, when the clocks went back an hour in Britain, not a single one of them in my house had to be manually corrected.

How times have changed.

Every 4th of July, America sends Britain a locket with a little tiny picture of the United States in it. They want to remind the crown that America is still...

(•_•)

( •_•)>⌐■-■

(⌐■_■)

In *da* pendent

Plane with 5 passengers on board, Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Angela Merkel, The Pope and a ten year old school boy. The plane is about to crash and there are only 4 parachutes.

Plane with 5 passengers on board, Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Angela Merkel, The Pope and a ten year old school boy. The plane is about to crash and there are only 4 parachutes.

Trump said I need one. I’m the smartest man in the USA and am needed to sort out the problems of the World!’, take...

I’m in Britain and I have a friend in America. He keeps telling me he identifies as a large body of water.

He’s transatlantic.

What do Great Britain and bad house-guests have in common?

They take forever to leave...

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Did you hear that the first Viagra crate imported to Britain was stolen?

Police are searching for hardened criminals in possession of swollen goods

An American is moving to Britain...

...So he decides to learn the british way of spelling things. So he spoke to a Brit he knew and he was told the following:
"So: Color turns into colour. Harbor turns into harbour. honor becomes honour. Starting to notice a pattern?"
So he writes an e-mail to his new boss:

"Gououd mourni...

Hey baby, are you Britain?

Cos you're uncomfortably wet and can't decide if you want to be in or out

The US should rejoin Great Britain

Its not like we mind Taxation without representation anymore.

To the "Remain" crowd in Britain... come to Canada!

Half of the US is moving here soon anyhow.

In recent years, 'Great Britain' has become more like

'Great, Britain'.

What have Britain and Warner Brothers/DC got in common?

Neither of them know how to handle an EU.

A Russian man is travelling across Britain

A Russian man is travelling across Britain , he pops to a corner shop and buys some British Snacks to try. He takes the food to the Till and the cashier says: “that’ll be £12,50 please.” To which the Russian replies “Vat?”
“Oh that’s already taken care of mate.”

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A man from France, a man from Britain, and a man from New York are on an exposition to the Amazon Forest.

After a while they get lost. So as they are walking suddenly the bushes jump up into the air and men with spears are there. One man says "Hey, you’re in our sacred land. So what we are going to do is skin you and then use your flesh to make canoes, But we aren’t that crazy so we will let you choose ...

So, there I was, at this pub in Great Britain,....

I notice these two women, both cute but a bit chubby. I approached the girls and asked "Are you two ladies from Scotland"?, to which the heftier one replied "It's Wales you idiot"! Taken a bit aback by this, I replied "Oh, sorry. Are you two Whales from Scotland"?

Britain should have written a break up note

"It's not EU, it's me"

Britain has invented a new missile

It's called the civil servant - it doesn't work and it can't be fired.

Trump is President of the United States and Britain left the EU.

APRIL FOOLS'!

Ah...wait...

What's the most common type of owl in Great Britain?

Teatowel.


Sorry if you've heard or seen this before on here; I've not and I'm unable to search because I'm using the mobile sitem

Three men are sentenced to die in Great Britain.

The night before the men got drunk and destroyed the Queen's garden. Knowing her garden is full of pollen, she offers them a chance at life under one condition.

The men must learn self control by sitting in the garden and not sneezing, not even once. If one of them succeeds in the time allot...

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Why was Great Britain pissed after the Revolutionary War?

Because they had to say to the United States
"Ur-a-nation"

Britain will be just fine...

you always lose a few Pounds after a breakup.

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Japanese, Brit and Indian

A Japanese, a brit and an Indian were traveling by a private jet with their personal belongings. Due to low fuel they were asked to throw off some of their belongings mid air to reduce the weight. They all agreed to discard items which were in abundance in their country.

The Japanese threw h...

Britain is the best place for foodies.

You loose pounds everytime you eat

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WW1 as a bar fight...

Serbia is walking across the bar with a beer in his hand. He bumps into Austria, and spills some beer on his pant leg. Austria is furious, and demands Serbia pay for an entire suit. Serbia can't afford this, so he offers to pay for the dry cleaning.

They argue, Russia tells Austria to back o...

I think I might move to Great Britain in a few years.

I've always wanted to live in a live recreation of 1984.

Accent humour, mate!

It's the year 2022, WWIII has started. 1st world countries vs 2nd world countries and Middle East. Britain asks for reinforcement from Australia. The Australian regiment arrives and next morning starts preparing while the British Commander enters and starts increasing the army's morale:

Briti...

Vacation in Britain gone wrong

An american man was vacationing around Britain, visiting all the larger cities.

One night he found himself in a bar in Cardiff, having a few drinks and planning out how to spend the next couple of days of his vacation. But he had forgotten his guidebook. So he looked around to see if anyone ...

Great Britains new Prime Minister

Did you see that Boris Johnson might be the next Prime Minister of Great Britain? I remember when the U.S. had a BJ in the top office!

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Two immigrants in Britain have a competition; who can be more English? ...

Two immigrant friends in Britain decide to host a competition between themselves, who can be more English than the other?

They decide that they will meet up in 1 week and see whom is more English than whom.

1 week has past, and they meet up. The first immigrant says "I have become a tr...

US follows Britain

BRITAIN: "Hey, America, watch this!"

*BRITAIN SETS ITSELF ON FIRE*

USA: "Cool. Can I borrow your lighter?"

In America, everything is opposite of Britain

For example:

In Britain, people drive on the left

In America, they drive on the right






In Britain, you watch the TV

In America, the TV watches you

This joke won an award for the Best Joke in a competition held in Britain

😅😅😅PASSWORD PROBLEMS :

WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.

USER: cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

USER: boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.

USER: 1...

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WWII as a bar fight...

I made a bar fight for WWI in honor of the 101 anniversary of its end, and someone requested one for the sequel. So here it is.

Germany went into a deep depression after his defeat in the last fight. His bar tab from his enemies' victory drink was crushing. He started hitting the gym, and wan...

What do you call the Dollar Tree stores in Britain?

Pound Town

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Britain can now say....

...Its pull out game is strong!

I have no idea what’s going on with Brexit....

...which is something I have in common with Britain’s government.

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James Bond called his dick "cover"

You would shocked to hear how many times Britain's top spy had his cover blown....

A man invested in a weight loss diet from Britain

He lost 10,000 pounds! But it didn't work

Britain's got pretty racist since the referendum;

I was behind a Latvian couple in Tesco yesterday and the lady behind the checkout asked if they wanted any help packing...

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Two Germans are at a pub in London after a long day of business meetings.

They're having a good 'ol laugh amongst eachother when one of them passes out on the floor. Not having been to Britain before, the other man cries out asking what number to call for help.

The bartender yells: "Nine, Nine, Nine"

To which the German replies: "Fuck you my friend needs h...

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Looking back on Britain's 2016.

The year most middle aged men went from wanting to fuck Nigella to wanting to fuck Nigel

up.

What's Imperial Britain's favorite game?

Clash of Clans

Here in Britain, we've got May & Hammond in the Government now -

All we need is Clarkson and we've got Top Gear back again.

Why is Iraq like the weather in Britain?

Because it's either Sunni or Shiite

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Britain is like a man on a toilet...

It just wanted to get rid of that shit and leave.

A German tourist visits a brothel in Britain.

Johannes, a middle-aged German tourist on his first visit to the UK finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He...

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