UPJOKE
europefranceenglandscotlandgreat britainnetherlandsunited kingdomukbritishnorthern irelandirelandspainlondongermanyirish

In Britain, when you turn 100, you get a letter from the Queen.

And when you turn 16, you get a text from Prince Andrew.

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The United States and Britain are having a competition on who can fuck themselves up the most.

Britain is in the lead, but America has a Trump card.

Four doctors are talking. "The British doctor says, medicine is so advanced in Britain that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he was looking for a job."

The German doctor replies: "That's nothing. In Germany, we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he was looking for a job."

The Russian doctor replies: "Well, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he was looking for a job."

The...

I hear the new PM has a bold plan to solve Britain's energy woes

Gaslighting.

In Britain they call it a "lift" but Americans call it an "elevator"

I guess we're just raised differently

I have never cared for talent shows like America's Got Talent, Britain's Got Talent, etc.

I think its all staged.

In the 80s, Britain only had three channels

BBC 1, BBC 2, and The English Channel

Margaret Thatcher’s bid to screw all of Britain’s miners was controversial, but had support from one man in particular.

Jimmy Saville.

My grandfather would be very happy with what Boris Johnson's leadership has done to Britain.

But then again, he was in the SS.

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When the Romans Conquered Britain

In the mid 1st century CE one of the problems they did not anticipate was the rampant fraud being conducted in the bronze trade. Tradesmen who shaped the metal would buy it from merchants who bought it from the miners in the form of bars of bronze, already mixed from copper and tin.

The issu...

If Britain leaves the EU, how much space will be freed up?

1GB

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Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft.

The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.

After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subjec...

What do they call a male chicken in britain?

Rorchestershire

The geography of a woman as she ages: (from a friend)

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa .
Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe.
Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain.
Very hot, re...

Why did Britain change its name to Brian?

Because those dang colonists got rid of their tea.

What’s the largest export of Great Britain?

Independence days

Trump cancelled his trip to Britain because he doesn’t want to go anywhere he doesn’t feel welcome...

So what’s he still doing in the white house?

Julius Caesar was addressing the crowd in the Coliseum

Friends, Romans
and Countrymen, lend me your ears. Tomorrow I take our glorious army to conquer Northern Europe and I shall start with France. We shall kill many Gauls and return victorious."

The crowd are up on their feet "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty
Caesar"

Brutus turn...

My father once asked me if I knew the difference between heaven and hell…

“In heaven” he said, “the Italians make the food and the British run the government”

He then paused and said, “In hell, the British make the food and the Italians run the government”

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In America we call it "restroom" but in Britain they call it "toilet"

It's the same shit though

When the Romans landed in Britain...

When the Romans landed in Britain,

The weather proved a teaser!

The emperor asked "Could this be rain?",

But the answer was "Hail, Caesar"

Why does Britain only have 25 letters in the Alphabet?

Because America destroyed their T

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My grandad was a WWII veteran. In just one day during the Battle of Britain, he destroyed 8 German aircraft killing a total of 32 Nazi aviators.

He was easily the worst aircraft mechanic the Luftwaffe has ever had.

Q : With Britain leaving EU soon, how much space will be freed up?

A: 1 GB

What do you call Britain without tea?

Briain.

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So Putin decides to change Russia's Identity

He calls the Queen of Great Britain for advice.

Putin - "Queen Elizabeth, I'd like to have Russia be a Kingdom. I feel it would give it the gravitas it deserves"

The Queen - "But Vladimir, you need to have a king to be a Kingdom"

Putin - "Well what about a Principality then?" ...

Thinking about how much weight I've put on over the pandemic, I can't help wishing that I stayed in Britain…

I'd eat pizza every day and I'd just keep losing pounds.

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The Britain had just colonized Malaysia, three local criminals were caught and brought to the British Commander...

"They committed such deadly crimes, they should be beheaded!" The Lieutenant suggested the Commander.

Hearing that, the three criminals pleaded for their lives to the Commander.

The Commander agreed to let them live under one condition, which was to collect 10 fruits of same type.
<...

A man new to Britain came upon two somewhat large ladies chatting. Fascinated by their accents he asked them "Are you ladies from England?" They replied "Wales." The man then said . . .

I'm sorry. Are you Whales from England?"

An Australian is visiting Britain...

He's from a small rural village and is completely unfamiliar with traffic rules and street lights and just crosses streets whenever. After almost getting hit by cars several times and lots of honking a police officer sees him and shouts: "Oi! You there, did you come here to die?" The Aussie replies:...

Some people from Britain call themselves "Bri-ish" because

After the incident in Boston Harbor they need to hide their T

The King of the magical land Wakanda invited the President of the United States and the Queen of Britain to visit.

When they arrived, the Royal Guide of Wakanda brought them to the Palace.
"I should warn you, the beauty and luxury you will see is unparalleled." he said.
They both snorted haughtily. Surely this third-world country couldn't compete with their own riches.

But when they entered, they we...

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, “Hey Senor, I would like the world’s best beer, a Corona.” The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, “I’d like the best beer in the world, give me ‘The King Of Beers’, a Budweiser.” The bartender g...

If Britain lost the second World War...

Would the Prime Minister be known as Loseton Churchill?

Britain's oldest woman turned 114 today

When asked the secret of her longevity, she attributed it to taking a walk at midnight every night. When quizzed on whether she was concerned about the increase in muggings in recent years, she said that she was not, and would continue mugging people as long as her health holds out.

Why did Great Britain send male convicts to Australia?

To set up a penile colony!

Every 4th of July, America sends Britain a locket with a little tiny picture of the United States in it. They want to remind the crown that America is still...

(•_•)

( •_•)>⌐■-■

(⌐■_■)

In *da* pendent

What did France, Great Britain, and their allies say after The Great War?

World War Won

Britain used to send kids up chimneys to sweep them. It was hazardous and many got ill and died.

Until we developed the flue vaccine.

A Roman soldier was guarding a cross roads in ancient Britain, when a druid walks up.

The Roman stops him and asks, "What is your name and where are you going, pleb?"

"My name is Churry and I am to meet your General in Londinium."

He thought for a moment, and then the Roman sent Churry on.

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A team of Nazi spies parachutes in Britain during WW2.

They're all well-trained, they know their mission, they have their legends. But when they're still above the ocean, suddenly a terrible thunderstorm hits them. The hurricane scatters them, some of them smash into the cliffs, others hit the waves and drown. Only one last spy, by sheer luck or miracle...

Seems like nothing is produced in Britain anymore.

Even my new TV was built in Antenna according to the box.

The US should rejoin Great Britain

Its not like we mind Taxation without representation anymore.

Why dont you ever see penguins in Great Britain?

Because theyre scared of Wales

Everyone in Britain prefers brushes over vacuum cleaners when it comes to tidying their floors.

Sorry if that's a sweeping generalisation.

I hear the best deals on lipo-suction can be found in Great Britain...

...Pound for pound.

Remember when Britain was still part of the EU?

I still remember it like it was yesterday.

Britain should have written a break up note

"It's not EU, it's me"

What do you call someone who is only kind of from Britain?

Brit-ish

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Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-week strike on Wednesday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife

Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.


The unrest began last Tuesday, when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death, would be cut by 25% this February from 72 to 54. A spokesman said increases in rec...

Britain has invented a new missile

It's called the civil servant - it doesn't work and it can't be fired.

Heard that Poland is a lot like Britain...



Just with fewer Polish people

To the "Remain" crowd in Britain... come to Canada!

Half of the US is moving here soon anyhow.

An American is moving to Britain...

...So he decides to learn the british way of spelling things. So he spoke to a Brit he knew and he was told the following:
"So: Color turns into colour. Harbor turns into harbour. honor becomes honour. Starting to notice a pattern?"
So he writes an e-mail to his new boss:

"Gououd mourni...

The knife that Abraham used to kill Isaac has been found in Britain.

Apparently, it was a Dyson.

I’m in Britain and I have a friend in America. He keeps telling me he identifies as a large body of water.

He’s transatlantic.

Gary Oldman has had to drastically change his appearance to star in a biopic about one Britain's electronic music pioneers.

Guess he's going to be a Gary Numan.

Britain is the best place for foodies.

You loose pounds everytime you eat

This year, when the clocks went back an hour in Britain, not a single one of them in my house had to be manually corrected.

How times have changed.

What do Great Britain and bad house-guests have in common?

They take forever to leave...

What have Britain and Warner Brothers/DC got in common?

Neither of them know how to handle an EU.

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Did you hear that the first Viagra crate imported to Britain was stolen?

Police are searching for hardened criminals in possession of swollen goods

Hey baby, are you Britain?

Cos you're uncomfortably wet and can't decide if you want to be in or out

A Russian man is travelling across Britain

A Russian man is travelling across Britain , he pops to a corner shop and buys some British Snacks to try. He takes the food to the Till and the cashier says: “that’ll be £12,50 please.” To which the Russian replies “Vat?”
“Oh that’s already taken care of mate.”

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A man from France, a man from Britain, and a man from New York are on an exposition to the Amazon Forest.

After a while they get lost. So as they are walking suddenly the bushes jump up into the air and men with spears are there. One man says "Hey, you’re in our sacred land. So what we are going to do is skin you and then use your flesh to make canoes, But we aren’t that crazy so we will let you choose ...

Britain just can't make up its mind on brexit.

The country is leaving the EU, but the pound has decided to join the euro.

In recent years, 'Great Britain' has become more like

'Great, Britain'.

Trump is President of the United States and Britain left the EU.

APRIL FOOLS'!

Ah...wait...

In America, everything is opposite of Britain

For example:

In Britain, people drive on the left

In America, they drive on the right






In Britain, you watch the TV

In America, the TV watches you

What's the most common type of owl in Great Britain?

Teatowel.


Sorry if you've heard or seen this before on here; I've not and I'm unable to search because I'm using the mobile sitem

So, there I was, at this pub in Great Britain,....

I notice these two women, both cute but a bit chubby. I approached the girls and asked "Are you two ladies from Scotland"?, to which the heftier one replied "It's Wales you idiot"! Taken a bit aback by this, I replied "Oh, sorry. Are you two Whales from Scotland"?

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In America, great big massive storms are called Hurricanes

In India they're called Cyclones

In Japan they're called Typhoons

In Britain they're called Wednesdays

US follows Britain

BRITAIN: "Hey, America, watch this!"

*BRITAIN SETS ITSELF ON FIRE*

USA: "Cool. Can I borrow your lighter?"

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Two immigrants in Britain have a competition; who can be more English? ...

Two immigrant friends in Britain decide to host a competition between themselves, who can be more English than the other?

They decide that they will meet up in 1 week and see whom is more English than whom.

1 week has past, and they meet up. The first immigrant says "I have become a tr...

This joke won an award for the Best Joke in a competition held in Britain

😅😅😅PASSWORD PROBLEMS :

WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.

USER: cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

USER: boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.

USER: 1...

Great Britains new Prime Minister

Did you see that Boris Johnson might be the next Prime Minister of Great Britain? I remember when the U.S. had a BJ in the top office!

What do you call the Dollar Tree stores in Britain?

Pound Town

A man invested in a weight loss diet from Britain

He lost 10,000 pounds! But it didn't work

Britain's got pretty racist since the referendum;

I was behind a Latvian couple in Tesco yesterday and the lady behind the checkout asked if they wanted any help packing...

A supposedly true story

One day, in Great Britain, two Muslim schoolgirls were chatting away to each other in a foreign language on a public bus. The man sitting in front of them turned around and said, "This is England. Speak English." The woman in front of him turned around and said, "Actually, this is Wales and they're ...

Why is Iraq like the weather in Britain?

Because it's either Sunni or Shiite

Plane with 5 passengers on board, Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Angela Merkel, The Pope and a ten year old school boy. The plane is about to crash and there are only 4 parachutes.

Plane with 5 passengers on board, Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Angela Merkel, The Pope and a ten year old school boy. The plane is about to crash and there are only 4 parachutes.

Trump said I need one. I’m the smartest man in the USA and am needed to sort out the problems of the World!’, take...

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Britain can now say....

...Its pull out game is strong!

The misunderstanding (joke)

One day, a man from America who has recently moved to Britain, is meeting with an employer. The employer says “ hi, it’s nice to meet you! So what did you do for a living in America?”. The man replies “oh,I was a baker”, but because of the different accents, the employer heard “ oh, I was a banker “...

Here in Britain, we've got May & Hammond in the Government now -

All we need is Clarkson and we've got Top Gear back again.

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Britain is like a man on a toilet...

It just wanted to get rid of that shit and leave.

The queen arrives in New York and hops in a limousine....

She looks at the car and asks the driver if she could drive, because she said she never drives in Britain, and wants to see what its like. So the driver and the queen switch seats and she starts driving 50, 80, 100 mph. She eventually gets pulled over and roles down the window, and the cop is shocke...

What's Imperial Britain's favorite game?

Clash of Clans

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