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A hiker in Scotland stops to drink from a stream.

Just as he is lifting his hand to his mouth a passing shepherd yells out "Dinnae drink frae that, mister, it's all full o' coo piss an' shite!"

The hiker turns and in cut-glass accents replies "My good fellow, would you very much mind repeating that in the Queen's English?"

And the she...

Not sure if this will work outside of Scotland...

Two cows in a field, which one is on holiday?


- the one with the wee calf

John decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Keith, so they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard, so they pulled into a nearby farm...

...and asked the attractive lady who answered the door, if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed." she explained. "And I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

...

A woman on vacation in Scotland

...is at a pub when a man walks in in a kilt.

She's on vacation, and she's been drinking so she's brave enough to ask the question that's been on her mind.

"Excuse me sir, but what do you guys wear underneath your kilts?"

"Ayy lass, go'on an 'ave a look for yourself".

S...

The best police in the world: FBI, Scotland Yard or Brazilian Police

FBI, Scotland Yard and the brazilian police were in a competition to determine the best police in the world. A international jury released a rabbit in a dark forest.

The FBI started the search using high-tech localization techniques, satellite maps, nightvision goggles and a DNA tracer. The a...

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The BBC does a special on the oldest man in Scotland

They arrived for the special and decided to start it off with an interview where they asked him: “What was the best day of your life, Mr MacDonald?”
“I was just a wee lad and it was the day village fair, when me ma realised that our sheep had gone missing on the mountains. The whole village sear...

An Englishman, Scotsman and an Irishman trying to get into the Olympics with no tickets

The Englishman found a large wooden pole lying on the ground near him. He picked it up, put it under his arm, walked in the gate and said 'Bentley, England, pole vaulting' and they let him in.

The Scotsman picked up a manhole cover, put it under his arm, walked in the gate and said 'McGregor,...

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I asked my friend from Scotland how many sexual partners he had...

He started counting and fell asleep.

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve

He says,“I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.” 'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams. “We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talk...

Three heftier women enter a bar and order their drinks. The bartender says, "Y'all have some interesting accents. You broads from Scotland?"

They glare at him and one says, "Wales."

He says, "Ok... You whales from Scotland?"

A guy walk up to a bar with two women and says "you ladies from Scotland? They give him a dirty look and say "Wales"

"Oh I'm sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?"

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Once upon a time, in Scotland...

A man is using his hand to scoop some water from a Scottish Highland brook. He is about to drink when he is interrupted by a local shouting a warning: “Dinnae drink thon water, mun, it’s foo o’ coo’s shite ’n’ pish.”

The man peers over at the local and calls back, “My good fellow, I’m English...

The Scotland football team went to visit an orphanage in Kazakhstan this morning. "It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible"

said Anatoly, aged 6.

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With Japan beating Scotland in the rugby World Cup they just need to beat England

They already have a good record against whales

Why is cliff front property so expensive in Scotland?

The sheep back up harder.

In 1964, a couple of former St. Louis Cardinals baseball stars were on vacation in Wales....

Red Schoendienst and Stan Musial decided to head to the UK on vacation with their wives after the 1964 Major League Baseball season. The two had retired as players the year before and had just finished their first full season as members of the staff - Musial as vice president, Schoendienst as a coa...

I, Mewlingquimlover was in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man.

I said, "Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. I piled it for months."
"But do they call me Mewlingquimlover-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo..."

Then I gestured at the bar. "Look here at the bar. D...

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A Roman army was making it's way through Scotland... [long]

Their march was interrupted by a frenzied shouting in the distance. The general ordered his men to stop and directed his attention towards the source of the noise. A single highland warrior was standing alone at the top of a small hill, yelling at the oncoming army.

"Come ahead ya big Jessies...

[Long] The FBI, Scotland Yard, and the KGB are competing to find out who is a better investigative agency.

They release a rabbit in the woods, and whoever finds it quickest is declared the best investigative agency.
The FBI agent goes in first and investigates. He follows trails, asks questions to the other animals, and sets up Wanted posters throughout the forest. He continues this for a week until ...

How Scotland was created...

At the beginning of time God was discussing the creation of the world with the angel Gabriel. Leaning back in his golden throne, he told him of his plans for Scotland.

"Gabriel," said god "I am going to give Scotland towering mountains and magnificent glens resplendent with purple Heather. Re...

The Queen hosts a garden party in Scotland.

The Scottish waiter arrives carrying a tray with many cakes on it. Queen asks, “Is that a scone, or a meringue?”

The waiter replies: “Naw, yer quite right, that’s a scone.”

I was at the bar the other night and overheard three women talking in what sounded like Scottish accent. So I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three ladies from Scotland?” One of them turned red when she heard me and said, "It’s Wales you fool!” So I apologized and replied,

"I do apologise, Are you three whales from Scotland?"

credit: u/Brailledit

If someone from Scotland gets a little upset every time he's mistaken for his Gaelic neighbors...

...he would still be ire-ish.

Light aircraft crashes in Scotland!

Two kilt

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A man walked into a bar in Scotland, sat down and ordered a drink.

Next to him was a leathery old Scotsman, well into the bottle in front of him.

The man asked the Scotsman if there was something the matter.

The Scot replied; "Aye lad, indeed there is. You see this bar here? I made this bar with me own two hands, slowly crafting it in the time-honored...

What is the difference between Will Smith and Scotland ?

Independence Day

Scotland is a place filled with angry people.

Even their flag is cross.

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While Visiting Scotland I stop at a bar

While I was in Scotland I stop at the local pub and belly up next to an old drunk Scot nursing his drink.



After a few drink he says to me, "Ach, laddie, you see this bar? This bar right here?! I built this bar with mine own two hands and mine own aching back! But do they call me MacGr...

One foggy morning on the border of England and Scotland...

...a Scottish voice came out from within the dense fog.

"Any one Scotsman can beat any 10 Englishmen."

The English general stationed at the border took offense and sent down 10 of his soldiers. There were sounds of a hell of a fight and NO ONE returned. An hour later, the same voice ...

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Went to work on a farm in Scotland. One my first night there, I was trying to fit in with the rest of the help.

They told me that one their break, they all take turns fucking the sheep. I didn't want to fuck any sheep, but I really wanted to fit in. First break, I swallow my pride, find a sheep, pull down my pants, and start at it. I turn around and see all the Scotsman at the farm laughing at me. Trying ...

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A tourist is backpacking through the highlands of Scotland, and he stops at a pub to get a drink...

the only people in there are a bartender and an old man nursing a beer. And he orders a pint, and they sit in silence for a while. And suddenly the old man turns to him and goes, "You see this bar? I built this bar with my bare hands from the finest wood in the county. Gave it more love and care tha...

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Two Scots Meet Abroad While on Holiday

Liam, while on holiday, notices another man bellowing loudly in a Scottish accent.

Liam: Hey pal! You sound Scottish. Where ye from?

Callum: I'm from fucking Scotland, pal

Liam: Aye, ah guessed that, which toon?

Callum: Glasgae

Liam: me too. Which part?

Call...

Donald Trump is visiting Scotland...

...and he is looking around a hospital. When he goes into one ward, a patient sits up and exclaims "Wee, sleekit, cowerin', timorous beastie! O what a panic's in thy breastie!"

Not knowing quite what to make of this, the Pres goes on to the next bed where the patient cries out "Fair fa' you...

The E.U has said that Scotland could end up as a Third World country after Brexit.

I don't know if things will improve to that extent, but you never know......

Did you hear about the broken helicopter that Mickey Mouse bought from Scotland?

Disneyland

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Bono asked for silence at a gig in Scotland...

In the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands. Once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

From the front of the crowd, a broad Scottish accent pierced the silence: "Well fuckin' stop do...

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A college kid was hitchhiking through the hills of Scotland

A college kid was hitchhiking through the hills of Scotland, when, as is the custom in such areas, an unexpected rainstorm came up. Seeking shelter, he found an old stone pub with a light on, and stumbled in through the front door. The pub was painfully small, with just a handful of stools, a bark...

An Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman are stuck on a deserted island.

After a few weeks, they find a magic lamp and the genie gives them one wish each.

The Englishman decides quickly and says, "I wish I was back home in England with my family".

The Scotsman thought, hey that's a good idea and said, "I wish I was at home in Scotland with my family"
...

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An Irishman, a Scotsman and an Englishman walk into a bathroom

The Englishman takes a piss, and wipes his hands very thoroughly with 7 squares of toilet paper, while loudly proclaiming that "In England, we always do our job extremely thoroughly"


The Scotsman takes a piss, and wipes his hand with just one square of toilet paper, using every square inc...

A Texan in Scotland

A Texan is touring Europe and he ends up in a Scottish pub sitting across from an older Scotsman. As Texans tend to do, he starts bragging about how big everything is in Texas.

“Down on my ranch outside Dallas, I can walk out my front door at sunrise, get in my big ol’ Cadillac, start ‘er on...

Did you hear Scotland is forming a new branch of their military?

They are calling it The Scotchgard. Its motto is "To protect the very fabric of our nation."

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An American Man Moves to Scotland

Fed up with his life in the states he packs up everything he owns and moves to a tiny cottage in the far north highlands of Scotland. He lives there quietly content for over a month before meeting anyone.

One day the American hears a knock on his door and opens it to find his neighbor a big, ...

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach

He had no arms and no legs. Three women, from England , Wales , and Scotland , were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man. The English woman said, 'Have you ever had a hug?' The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on. The Welsh woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?' The man ...

A philosopher, a biologist, a mathematician and a YouTube celebrity spot a cow in a field whilst on their first trip to Scotland.

Upon discerning the brown colour of the cow’, the philosopher exclaimed ‘Aha! My fellows, you see what knowledge we have garnered? I can hereby assert: cows in Scotland are brown!’

The biologist replied acerbically, ‘Not so fast, my dear friend. It is safe only to assert thus: there are cows ...

(OC) Why did the man from Scotland get sentenced to life in prison?

He kilt someone.

It’s WALES you Idiot!

I was at the bar the other night with my buddy having some beers. We had been there a while when two large girls came up to the bar and ordered some drinks. I noticed when they ordered they both had strong accents so I said ‘Hi, are you two girls from Scotland?’ One of them spoke up, with quite an a...

What's the best thing about England?

The road back to Scotland

Did you hear they sentenced that murderer in Scotland?

He was found the kilty party

So I walked into this bar and heard two girls speaking in what sounded like a lovely Scottish accent.

I walked over and said: "So, are you two girls from Scotland?"

One of them said: "Wales Idiot!"

So I said: "Oh, I am terribly sorry about that. So, are you two whales from Scotland?"

That's the last thing I remember.

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How do they practice safe sex in Scotland?

They brand the sheep that kick.

An astronomer, a physicist, and a mathematician in Scotland

An astronomer, a physicist, and a mathematician are on a train headed for Scotland. As they cross the border, they see a black sheep. The astronomer cries out, “All sheep in Scotland are black.”. The physicist says,”Some sheep in Scotland are black”. The mathematician raises his eyes heavenward and ...

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are riding a train in Scotland.

Looking out the window, the engineer sees something that catches her eye. Look, she says, it's a black sheep! It seems the sheep in Scotland are black.

The physicist shakes his head. Nonsense, he says. All we know is that there are some black sheep in Scotland.
The mathematician looks at h...

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A unique Newfie joke

*Note: I am a Newfie, and Scottish/Irish heritage as well, so this is my favorite joke to tell. It works better when some of the actions can be performed...*

A Scotsman, Irishman, and a Newfie are exploring a jungle on an island in the Pacific. They come across a tribe of cannibals and are ca...

I hear Scotland is trying to leave the UK again...

Well if at first you don't secede, try try again.

Scotland is like Iraq

A little but Sunni, but an awful lot Shiite.

A doctor from the U.S. is visiting a hospital in Scotland

A prominent physician is visiting a hospital in Scotland. He's being shown around by the medical director. They take him to the OR, very modern. Then they go to the ICU, where he talks to the nurses. They go to another ward, where there's a long line of beds, each with a patient in it. He asks ...

My favourite Scottish joke [x-post r/Scotland]

An Englishman is out walking in the Highlands and gets thirsty, so he stops at a river to get some water. He's about to bring the water up to his mouth with his hand when he gets interrupted by a shepherd nearby.

"Dinnae drink oot the river, it's foo o' sheep pish!"

The Englishman look...

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I was in Scotland when...

I was in Scotland, when I walk into a pub with only one man in it. I pull up a chair as he slides me a beer and I ask him why he's all alone. He answers,
"You see that barn out the window? I built that barn all by myself with me bare hands! But do they call me McGregor: The Barn Builder? FUCK NO!...

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When/If Scotland becomes independent, what will the national currency be called?

Doesn't matter, you won't be able to pry it out of the cheap bastards' hands anyway.

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An English man, Irishman and a Scottish man are sitting in a pub full of people.

The Englishman says, "The pubs in England are the best. You can buy one drink and get a second one free".

Everyone in the pub agreed and gave a big cheer.

The Scottish man says, "Yeah. That's quite good but in Scotland you can buy one drink and get another 2 for free."

Again,...

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Mavis and Marjorie go for their first ever holiday in Scotland

While walking down a country lane they come across a Scotsman asleep under a tree and wearing full traditional clothes.
Mavis turns to Marjorie and says, "I wonder if it's true what they say about what a Scotsman wears under his kilt?".
Marjorie says, "let's find out!".
They tiptoe up to th...

Scotland might not leave the EU...

but Theresa May.

Driving in Scotland

(First post here, let me know if i need to fix anything please).
An American decides to visit Scotland. While there, he decides to rent a nice car to explore the country. Not long on the road he is pulled over by a police officer. The officer approached the vehicle and asks the American,
"I do...

A cabby picked up 3 rather large women and was taking them downtown. As they were talking he thought he detected a Scottish accent. he asked "Are you three ladies from Scotland?"

They looked at each other silently, then one of the sneered at him and said "It's Wales, you idiot."
"Oh, excuse me. Are you three whales from Scotland?"

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A limerick for Grangemouth, Falkirk, Scotland

In Grangemouth there's an oil refinery
A port, a canal and a winery
An to thrill you to bits
All the girls have 10 tits
That is if you count them in binary

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A man travels to scotland

He visits a nice little pub by the shore where a local man is sitting alone sobbing. The visitor asks the man why he is so sad.

The man stares intently at the bar and begins to speak "you see this bar here son? I built this bar with me own two hands, and many others like it in town. But do t...

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A Flat Tire.

An Inuit is visiting Scotland and his rental car got a flat tire. After getting towed to the local Auto repair garage, the mechanic looks at it and says, "looks like you blew a seal."



To which the Inuit replied, "Well, you fucked a sheep."

Milk The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk.

Milk The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk. The town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply. They brought the cow from Scotland. It was wonderful, produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy. They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows...

Top Joke in Scotland

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather.
Not screaming in terror like his passengers.

Three blondes are hiking in Scotland

They set out early afternoon on a sunny Thursday morning in the middle of July. The three girls are kitted out with the best equipment that money can buy and have got their route from Stirling to Callander planned perfectly. After an hour or so of walking one of the blondes comes across some tracks ...

The UK is leaving the EU and because of that, Scotland is moving for another Independence Referendum...

So the english are going to get away scot free!

What is the difference between Scotland and a pregnant woman?

A pregnant woman is in Labour

All the toilets have been stolen from Scotland Yard

The police have nothing to go on

Yer dads

Yer dads the tallest Muslim in Scotland, he’s called Mind Jaheed.

Why are radios cheaper in Scotland?

Because the boxes are battered and and the speakers are fried.

I secretly love men from Scotland...

It's my kilty pleasure.

A young lady was walking through a field in Scotland...

...when she noticed a man passed out against a tree. Curious of what men wore underneath their kilts, she decided there was no better time to find out. She giggled softly, took her ribbon, and tied it at a strategic location.

The next morning the Scotsman woke up with a terrible hangover and ...

Why are tourists to Scotland wrongly arrested as pedophiles?

They say they came for the 12-year-old Scotch.

An archaeologist was preparing to take a flight to some ancient Norse ruins.

Right as he left his house, he was mugged.

His cab was stolen.

His girlfriend called and said that they should see other people.

On his way to the airport, there was a terrible accident that caused him to miss his flight.

When he made it to the airport, he was selected fo...

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What does Las Vegas have in common with Scotland?

Not a lot, but in both you can pay for sex with chips.

When I was a kid in Scotland...

...I asked my dad once day

"How come you always screw the sheep on the edge of the cliffs? Isn't that kind of dangerous?"

He said "Yes, son, it is, but it makes the sheep push back a lot harder."

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A whisky distillery is looking for a new taster.

They put out an ad for the tasting job in the newspaper. The next day, a shabby homeless man comes forward to apply and be interviewed. No one on the team is willing to hire him, but the distillery manager lets him sit for the interview for amusement's sake.

He asks his assistant to bring a g...

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I don't see what's so offensive about calling someone from Pakistan a Paki...

It's like calling someone from Scotland a Scot, an Australian an Aussie or someone from France a cunt

The perfect crime was committed last night,

when thieves broke into Scotland Yard and stole all the toilets.
Police say they have absolutely nothing to go on
– Ronnie Corbett

God said to Gabriel:

"I've finally finished my masterpiece. Beautiful mountains, spectacular lochs, and whisky - the most amazing drink in my creation. I shall call this land 'Scotland'"

"That sounds fantastic" Gabriel said. "What have the people of this land done to deserve all this?"

"Well" said God. "Wa...

So, there I was, at this pub in Great Britain,....

I notice these two women, both cute but a bit chubby. I approached the girls and asked "Are you two ladies from Scotland"?, to which the heftier one replied "It's Wales you idiot"! Taken a bit aback by this, I replied "Oh, sorry. Are you two Whales from Scotland"?

Based on the Scotland vote results...

It looks like the UK didn't get off Scot-free.

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My mate in Scotland reckons his scrotum got to -273 degrees last night.

I reckon that's absolute bollocks

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A tourist walks into a bar in Scotland

He sits down and orders a beer and starts talking with a rather sad looking Scotsman sitting next to him, named Duncan.

"Look around the bar," he says, "I built this bar with my own hands. It took me three whole years to build this bar, I poured my sweat into it , but does anyone call me Dunc...

So I'm in a bar and two large women with accents walk in and sit down.

I look over to them and say: "hey ladies, nice accents. Are you from Scotland?"

One of the ladies yells: "it's Wales, you idiot!!"

So I said: "Ok, that's cool. Are you two whales from Scotland?"

I don't remember much else.

A man is drunk in a bar,

Across the bar he sees three heavy set women, speaking with Scottish sounding accents. He makes his way to the women and asks; "Excuse me, are you ladies from Scotland?" The first women gets mad and yells "It's Wales, you ass! Wales!" The man the replies. "I'm sorry, are you three whales from Scotla...

A small collection of my favorite science jokes

A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “How much for a drink?”

“For you, sir, no charge!”

 

What's 2 times 2?

Physicist: “After some measurements I am fairly sure it is somewhere between 3.81 and 4.13!”

Mathematician: “After some consideration ...

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A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend.

They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland. Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal. Off he went with his sister to Harrods and th...

Irishman steps up on Mastermind, the quiz show. His chosen topic: the Irish Rebellion, 1916.

- **Quizmaster**: 'Your first question: who read the *Proclamation of Independence* from the steps of the GPO?'

- **Contestant**: 'Pass'

- **Quizmaster**: 'OK. Second question: name the Irish rebel leader born in Scotland.'

- **Contestant**: 'Pass'

- **Quizmaster**: 'Ques...

What's the difference between a 'hippo' and a 'Zippo'?

One's really heavy, and the other's a little lighter. - [*Masai Graham*](https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-edinburgh-east-fife-34039927)

A Scotsman goes to America and attends his very baseball game.

He’s never been to a game in Scotland, nor watched a game on TV, or seen movies such as Bull Durham, The Babe or Eight Men Out.

He figures out players need to beat out the throw to first base before arriving to first base

The visiting teams pitcher throws 4 pitches out of the strike zo...

An Englishman walks into a bar...

He sees three fat ladies ordering drinks at the counter and hears a thick accent.

"Excuse me, are you three ladies from Scotland?"

They all scream back in unison, "WALES, YOU IDIOT!!"

"Oh, sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?"

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