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Italy Jokes

A young woman ...

A young New York woman was so depressed she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.

Just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her. "You have so much to live for," he said. "I'm a sailor and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you...

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Man goes on holiday to Italy

A guy walks into a barbershop and sits in the chair.

The barber asks, “Are you going anywhere on holiday this year?”

Guy replies, “Yes actually, my wife and I are going to Italy.”

Barber says, “Why you going there? It’s rubbish!”

Guy says, “Well, the weather is supposed t...

A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.

“Thank you honey,” she says, “Is there anything I can bring back for you?”

He laughs, and says, “An Italian girl!”

When the conference is over, he meets her up at the airport and asks, “How was the trip?”

“Very good,” she replies.

“And what happened to my present?...

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Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal.

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if t...

what do you call it when a swarm of insects goes to italy?

a venice fly trip

France and Italy simultaneously declare war on each other

France surrenders

Italy changes sides

Both lose

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.

If She Stayed In Italy To Raise The Child, He Would Also Provide Child Support Until The Child Turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for t...

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The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican NSFW

When the Pope answers the door, Dopey steps forward and nervously asks "Your Excellency, I wonder if you could tell me if there are any dwarf nuns in Rome?"

"No Dopey, I don't think there are," the Pope replies.

The other six dwarfs start to giggle.

"Well, are there any dwarf ...

It’s Sadder in Italy

“Doctore, all five of my bambinos! They have the no ambition! They all want to be valets when they grows up, jus’ like their lazy father! Can you do anything?”
…
…
“I’m afraid it is hopeless, Senora Abatangelo. It is the worst case of parking son’s disease I have ever seen.”

A recently married man says to his friend: "My wife and I are thinking of going on our honeymoon to northern Italy"

Friend: "How lovely, Genoa?"

"Well if I didn't I certainly wouldn't have married her"

I decided to get tattoos of Italy and France on my chest

Now I have really sore Naples. But other than that, it turned out pretty Nice.

Where's the best place to sleep in Italy?

Napoli.

What do you call the bad part of Italy?

The spaghetto.

Doctor's Affair

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him that she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.

He replie...

Too soon for COVID jokes?

COVID is like fashion…

We started hearing about it in Italy…

Became popular in LA and NYC…

Florida ignored it…

And it was all made in China in the end.

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The pope decided to kick out all the Jews from Italy

So one day the pope decided to kick out all the Jews in Italy, and of course the Jews had a thing or two to say about that.

After much uproar the pope relented and said "take 3 days to find your most wisest rabbi and he and I will have a silent battle of knowledge. If I win you leave, if you ...

A group of politicians are flying over Italy...

The mayor from Pisa exclaims "We're flying over Pisa!"
"How can you tell?" the others ask.

"Look, you can see the Leaning Tower!"
Later, a Roman parliamentarian shouts "We're flying over beautiful Roma!"
How can you tell?" the others ask.
"Look, you can see the Coliseum!"<...

I Identify as Italy in the 1600’s

Baroque

3 spies from England, France and Italy were sent to the USSR.

After a week they were captured and put in jail. The Russians took the English spy, tied and tortured him and after 20 minutes he gave all the info.

Then the Russians took the French spy. They tied and tortured him, and after 20 minutes he too gave all the info.

Then they took the Ital...

I was dating a girl from Romania, but she only wanted to vacation in Italy all the time

After our 17th trip in 3 years, I found I had misunderstood her on our first date, when she'd confessed to having Rome-mania

I drunkenly stumbled into the back of a taxi in Italy.

The driver said, "It's a fine if you're sick on my seats."

I said, "Thanks, mate," and immediately threw up everywhere.

Which part of Italy has no Jehovah's Witnesses?

Sicily. It's a really dangerous place for witnesses.

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A family of 5 in an Audi Quattro are driving through the south of Italy.

They stop for a ferry to Sicilia. A worker tells them to stop.

The driver says, "Why should we stop?"

The worker replies with, "You know, its illegal to have 5 people in a Quattro.

D (driver): Why?

W(worker): Quattro means 4. There are 5 of you, one will have to stay behi...

A Spanish man is driving a tractor trailer across France and into Italy.

A Spanish man is driving a tractor trailer across France and into Italy. At the border he gets stopped by the French police and questioned about the contents of his truck. "Caracoles" he says. Not understanding, the police open it up and say "Oh, escargots." The Spanish man replies, "Sì, es cargo."

How do you call a dangerous neighbourhood in Italy

"SpaGetto"

At the request of my wife, I have placed an order for a box of ants to be shipped from Italy...

She said we need more Rome ants in our relationship.

How do people in Italy contact the dead?

With a Louija board.

A mummified macaroni pizza was uncovered in Italy today.

The man who uncovered it says "It's a pizza of our pasta."

An American goes to breakfast in a restaurant in Italy.

After the meal he looks at the coffee menu and orders an Espresso Ristretto, because the name sounds good. The server brings him a tiny coffee cup with a little coffee at the bottom. The American takes the cup, dumps the content in his mouth, makes few slushing sounds with his tongue and says to the...

Italy's national airline, Alitalia, filed for bankruptcy last week.

I've heard a rumor General Electric's aircraft division might be bidding to acquire it.

Supposedly, the new company would be called Gen-Italia.

What Beatles song charted highest in Italy?

Penne Lane

A Russian mobster goes to meet Italian mafia

As soon as Italians notice him, they scoff. "You're not real gangster."

"Why not?" the Russian asks.

"Do you own a 4 story mansion?"

"Well, no."

"How many limousines you own?"

"Limousines? None."

"And where is your solid gold necklace?"

"I, I do not ...

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The Pope said pets should not replace children in Italy

I guess he doesn't like priests practicing beastiality

On a tiny island between Italy and Greece,

Maria and Nico were young, in love, and engaged to be married. On the night before they were to be wed, Maria’s mother sat her down to have “The Talk”. Knowing Nico’s Greek heritage, she counseled her daughter:

“Maria, mia bella figlia, if Nico ever asks you to turn over, you must say NO! Nic...

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Why was Christ not born in Italy?

Because God searched that whole country and he could not find 3 wise men or a single virgin.

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How come Italy is shaped like a boot?

Can’t fit that much shit in a shoe.

Two beggars were sitting side by side in front of the Love Fountain in Rome, Italy.

One had a Cross in front of him; the other one was holding the Star of David. Many people went by, looked at both beggars, but only put money into the box of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.

The Pope came to the area. He stopped to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar wh...

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Remember, it's only real bologna if it comes from the Bologna region in a Italy.

Otherwise, it's just sparkling pig anus.

Why is the Leaning Tower of Pisa in Italy?

Because it's italicized.

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The pope decides to remove all of the jews from italy.

The jews, obviously, disagree with this; so the pope agrees to have a debate with a rabbi for if the jews should stay in italy or not. The jews vote and decide on an old, wise rabbi.

The time for the debate comes, and it dawns on them that they can't understand each other, so they decide to ...

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My Italian Grandfather's Trip to Italy

Let me tell you a story about my Italian grandfather and a trip he took to visit his hometown in Malta. It's easier to understand if you remember he has a thick Italian accent, which I'll try to type phonetically.

"So one-a day I'm-a decide I go back to visit my hometown-a Malta. I get on de ...

Coronavirus really changed my Tour of Italy...

... the waitress at Olive Garden had to bring it out to my car.

Elsa dolls outsell Anna dolls in every country in the world, except Italy

because when Italians ask their kids which doll they want, they say “You wanta Anna or Elsa!”

I wanted to try Spaghetti in Italy to see if it was better, but it tasted the same.

Though it was a bit cold from the flight over.

Did you hear the pasta makers in Italy revolted?

It was a ravioli-tion

In Italy, it's traditiom to accept apologies after a dinner.

That happens because it's all in the pasta.

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So Pornhub is offering free premium membership in Italy because of the coronavirus.

Glad to see someone is willing to take a hands on approach to the situation.

What is the proper way to explore Italy?

You Rome.

Just landed in Rome, Italy. My pilot used to be a Franciscan Monk...

...But now he’s an Air Friar.

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Why Does Italy Have Such A Low Teen Pregnancy Rate?

Because the kids learn in Italian history to always pull out

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Man from Italy tells story about visit to America:

One day I ma gonna Detroit to bigga hotel. I go down to breakfast. I tella the waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She bring me only one piss. I tell her I wanna two pisses. She say go to the toilet. I say you no understand, I wanna two piss onna my plate. She say you better no piss onna plate, you s...

I met a girl in Italy

Genoa?

President of France, Italy and Serbia are flying over the world in a jet.

They fly over France and the president of France says:
"Look, there's France!!"
Everyone asks:
"How do you know?"
He responds:
"You can see the Eiffel tower."

They fly over Italy and the president of Italy says:
"Look, there's Italy!!"
Everyone asks:
"How do you know?"...

An Italian father wants to give his son a gun for his 18th birthday

"As is tradition in Italy, I'm going to give you a gun for your 18th birthday." The father says.

"But I don't want a gun. What about a nice watch? I would really like a watch, like a Rolex or something." The son replies.

"Son..." The father sighs, "This is an Italian tradition. You're ...

How does Italy execute its criminals?

Guidotine

„Man you heard about that Virus Outbreak in Italy?“

„Yeah man, looks like it’s being pasta round“

What do you call a genetic engineering company in Italy?

Genitalia.

A joke I came up with that I told people in a dream this morning...

A ship belonging to a seafood company from Italy accidentally drops tons upon tons of live lobsters overboard off the coast of Maine. Upon hearing this news, a lobster-catcher from Maine down on his luck jumps on his boat to catch as many of the lobsters as he can and sell them before the Italian co...

Why is having a BBQ not popular in Italy?

Spaghetti keep falling through the grill

Did you know there was a Jedi from Italy who was really strict about diets?

His name was Only One Cannoli.

I bought a 400 year-old chair from Italy...

...but as soon as I sat on it, it baroque.

What do pups eat in Italy?

Pawsta :D

Genoa bout the bridge collapse in Italy?

Ah well, we won't go over it then.

A few weeks ago my sister took a trip to Italy

Looking back, that was a Sicily decision

a nice Italian couple . . .

At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto, they have weekly husbands'
marriage seminars.

At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was
approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and
share some insight into how he had managed to stay married...

A Canadian man went hitchhiking in Italy

He wandered aboot for three weeks.

Why did the lonely entomologist go to italy?

To find rome ants

"There's a woman trapped under a motorway bridge in Italy."

"Genoa?"

"I'm not sure, I can't see her face."

How do you break up with somebody in Italy?

It's not you! It's a me, Mario!

Did you hear about the COVID-19 spreading like crazy in Italy?

Looks like it's being pasta around.

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In Italy, they call me Olive Oil

Its because im extra virgin. :(

Explanation of the crisis in Italy & Greece.

A small town in Italy twinned with a similar town in Greece.
The Mayor of the Greek town visited the Italian town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Italian mayor he wondered how he could afford such a house. The Italian said; "You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a gran...

I've grown an interest with Mussolini's Italy.

I guess you can call it a fascistnation.

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A joke from Italy

-Dad, do farts have a weight?

-I don't think so

-So....well, I guess I pooped myself

Building Inspectors should be stricter in Pisa, Italy.

Since they are a bit too *lean*ient.

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Italy, year VI of the Fascist Era.

A very very poor farmer is desperate. He doesn't have food, money or clothes for his children. He's so desperate that he decides to write a letter to God, asking for 500 lire (Italian money).

So he takes a pen and some paper, writes the request, and encloses it in an envelope. Now he has to ...

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Alessandro was all excited to emigrate to America from Italy

But just few days later he was back in his home town. His friends asked him “Alessandro wha happen?”
Alessandro said “Well I landa in New York and its a too cold. I say America land of the free, I go anywhere do anything. I taka the train to Florida. On the train, I smoka cigarette. The conducta ...

I’m ready for a holiday.

Paddy says to Mick,
“I’m ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different.
3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant.
2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant, last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant."
Mick asks,
"So what are you going...

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Linguists from France, Italy, and Germany were debating which language was the most beautiful.

The German representative was waving his hand frantically to be chosen to speak, when the French representative began to speak.

"French is certainly sublime. Consider the word Papillon. How could the word for butterfly be more beautiful than the butterfly itself”

The German is dying ...

I was walking in Little Italy yesterday

when I saw a man patiently standing by his car as he was being written a parking ticket. The officer finished, and the man thanked her and opened his car.

Confused as to why he seemed so unconcerned I approached him. "Sir! You just got a ticket! How are you so calm about this?"

He just...

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A young man is sitting in a tavern in a small town in Italy, drinking and looking glum. A stern looking local man approaches him and asks, "What's wrong my friend?"

He says "My partner left me for another man."


"Ah, life can be cruel" says the local. "Take me, I built this bar with my bare hands. Foundation to chimney. You think they call me Mario the builder? No. Come with me."


Mario takes the man to the window.


"You see...

I’m a supervillain from Italy, I have the power to infect people with deadly diseases.

It’s-a-me, Malario.

Why are Italy out of the World Cup?

They didn't pasta ball good enough.

What do you call a couple of ants sharing a slice of pizza in Italy?

Romance

What's the most popular occupation in Italy?

Pastatution.

A man is on business in Italy...

A man is on business in Italy and in between meetings one day he decides to go to lunch at a restaurant nearby. While he is walking down the street he sees a sign that says come in and try our bull fight special. The man walks in the restaurant and orders the bull fight special, a few minutes later ...

Queen farts

The Dutch Queen is in an elevator with three diplomats from France, Italy and Spain.

Suddenly, she farts loudly. At first, everyone is confused, but the French representative quickly comes to his senses, comes to her rescue and says: "Oh, I'm so sorry, that was me".

They don't even tra...

‪This is the first year I’m not going to Italy because of the coronavirus. ‬ ‪

Normally I don’t go because I’m poor‬

What do you call a Jamaican man born in Italy?

Reggae-Toni

Who is Jack Schitt? (Long)

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'
Well, thanks to genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.
Awe Schitt was ma...

What speech did Abraham Lincoln give when he went to Italy?

The Spaghetties-burg Address.

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