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#871: Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community...

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.

However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'si...

what do you call a poor part of a town in Italy

the spaghetto

My friend from Italy was visiting & asked to use the restroom. Her English isn’t very good, so from the other room she called out, “What’s the word for what I’m doing?”

I replied 'European.'

„Man you heard about that Virus Outbreak in Italy?“

„Yeah man, looks like it’s being pasta round“

I knew a guy who took his wife to Italy for their 1st anniversary

And he said to me, "For our 40th I might just bring her back!"

3 spies from England, France and Italy were sent to the USSR.

After a week they were captured and put in jail. The Russians took the English spy, tied and tortured him and after 20 minutes he gave all the info.
Then the Russians took the French spy. They tied and tortured him, and after 20 minutes he too gave all the info.
Then they took the Italian ...

A young woman ...

A young New York woman was so depressed she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.

Just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her. "You have so much to live for," he said. "I'm a sailor and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you...

Who was the most famous rock artist in Italy?

Michaelangelo!

I’m a supervillain from Italy, I have the power to infect people with deadly diseases.

It’s-a-me, Malario.

Pope and the Seven Dwarves

The Pope arrives to give a small sermon to Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.

Shortly into the sermon, Dopey puts his hand up and asks, "Are there any dwarven nuns in Rome?"

"No", the Pope replies, and continues his service.

Not long passes and Dopey puts his hand up again and as...

Doctor's Affair

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him that she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.

He replie...

A mummified macaroni pizza was uncovered in Italy today.

The man who uncovered it says "It's a pizza of our pasta."

What do you call a genetic engineering company in Italy?

Genitalia.

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The pope decides to remove all of the jews from italy.

The jews, obviously, disagree with this; so the pope agrees to have a debate with a rabbi for if the jews should stay in italy or not. The jews vote and decide on an old, wise rabbi.

The time for the debate comes, and it dawns on them that they can't understand each other, so they decide to ...

Spaghetti

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the chi...

A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport

A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.

"Thank you, honey", she says.

"What would you like me to bring back for you?"

He laughs and says, "An Italian girl!"

When the conference is over, he meets her at the airport and asks, "...

What language do they speak in Italy

Times New Roman

The level of humor when telling dark jokes is like a boat full of refugees on it's way to Italy

It sinks.

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Q: Why is Italy shaped like a boot?

A: Because you can't fit that much shit in a shoe.

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WW1 as a bar fight...

Serbia is walking across the bar with a beer in his hand. He bumps into Austria, and spills some beer on his pant leg. Austria is furious, and demands Serbia pay for an entire suit. Serbia can't afford this, so he offers to pay for the dry cleaning.

They argue, Russia tells Austria to back o...

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Why was Jesus not born in Italy?

God couldn’t find 3 wise men and a virgin.

:: I’m Italian American I just heard this on my recent trip

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WWII as a bar fight...

I made a bar fight for WWI in honor of the 101 anniversary of its end, and someone requested one for the sequel. So here it is.

Germany went into a deep depression after his defeat in the last fight. His bar tab from his enemies' victory drink was crushing. He started hitting the gym, and wan...

Did you know there was a Jedi from Italy who was really strict about diets?

His name was Only One Cannoli.

What do pups eat in Italy?

Pawsta :D

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My Math teacher went nuts today in Geometry class and started ranting about Japan, Italy, and Germany.

He said we need to know about the ex axis.

Tony and Rose

Tony’s on his death bed, taking his last breaths.

Rose, his wife of forty years sits by his side.

Tony calls her over and says, “Rose, after forty years, on my death bed, I have finally learned what you are to me!”

Rose replies, “What, my love?”

Tony goes on, “When we met...

A billionaire asks his wife what she wanted to eat

Billionaire: Hey honey, what would you like for lunch?
Wife: I feel like having pasta
\*Flies to Italy\*

Later that day..

Billionaire: Hey honey, what would you like for dinner?
Wife: Nothing, i'm on a diet
\*Flies to Africa\*

I checked my phone bill after my trip to Italy, and it said I spent DCXII dollars.

I must have left on Data Roman.

If France and Italy go to war, who would win?

None of them, France would surrender and Italy would switch sides.

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What do you call a cop in Italy?

A guinea pig.

OC per my crazy Italian Uncle. All mail should be directed to my ass.

Fastest house pet in Italy?

Lamborguinea Pig

France and Italy are at war. Who wins?

No one. France surrenders and Italy changes sides

did i ever tell you about the time that i was contacted by a former partner who was working in italy via the money transfer service i was using?

I was not ready when my ex communicated by the paypal authority

Why is the Leaning Tower of Pisa in Italy?

Because it's italicized.

How does Italy execute its criminals?

Guidotine

Why Does Italy Have Such A Low Teen Pregnancy Rate?

Because the kids learn in Italian history to always pull out

What do you call the sketchy parts of Italy?

The Spaghettos :)

Why is having a BBQ not popular in Italy?

Spaghetti keep falling through the grill

What do you call a couple of ants sharing a slice of pizza in Italy?

Romance

Why do tics from Italy make the best significant others?

They’re Romantics.

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A Greek, A German and An Italian get stranded after a plane crash.

They wander for days until finally they see something in the distance. They approach and are found by some local tribesmen and are accused of trespassing their village. Immediately they are led in front of the local leader:

"I am in a good mood so I will let you go if you participate in a sma...

"There's a woman trapped under a motorway bridge in Italy."

"Genoa?"

"I'm not sure, I can't see her face."

Genoa bout the bridge collapse in Italy?

Ah well, we won't go over it then.

A foreigner was walking around Italy

When suddenly a thief grabbed her purse and started running away
The woman shouted "Hey! It's my purse!"
The thief shouted back "It's my job!"

I asked my grandpa if he was absolutely SURE that he lost his hearing while he was in Rome. He said yes...

"deaf in Italy".

A Canadian man went hitchhiking in Italy

He wandered aboot for three weeks.

Why did the lonely entomologist go to italy?

To find rome ants

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Three tourists board a taxi at LAX

One is German, one is Italian, the other is Japanese. En route to their accommodation, a Porsche speeds past the taxi, prompting the German to brag 'Porsche, very fast. Made in Germany'.


A few miles later, a Lamborghini speed past, prompting the Italian to brag 'Lamborghini, very fast. ...

The Schitt Family

Who is Jack Schitt you ask? The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says " you don't know jack schitt." Now you can intellectually handle the situation. Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O Schit...

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Alessandro was all excited to emigrate to America from Italy

But just few days later he was back in his home town. His friends asked him “Alessandro wha happen?”
Alessandro said “Well I landa in New York and its a too cold. I say America land of the free, I go anywhere do anything. I taka the train to Florida. On the train, I smoka cigarette. The conducta ...

What is the proper way to explore Italy?

You Rome.

What’s the difference between a word that’s spelled the same forwards and backwards and your friend in Italy?

One’s a palindrome and one’s a pal in Rome

What speech did Abraham Lincoln give when he went to Italy?

The Spaghetties-burg Address.

How do you break up with somebody in Italy?

It's not you! It's a me, Mario!

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Visiting Italy this week and I tried some donkey sausage at the market.

It tasted like ass.

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WHY PEOPLE HATE SCHOOL RE-UNIONS

Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since leaving school.

They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.

Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.

Sue arrives shortly afterward, in grey...

Secret to Marriage

At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto they have weekly husband's marriage seminars. At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woma...

Why are there no jehovah's witnesses in Italy?

The mafia doesn't like witnesses.

Building Inspectors should be stricter in Pisa, Italy.

Since they are a bit too *lean*ient.

I was walking in Little Italy yesterday

when I saw a man patiently standing by his car as he was being written a parking ticket. The officer finished, and the man thanked her and opened his car.

Confused as to why he seemed so unconcerned I approached him. "Sir! You just got a ticket! How are you so calm about this?"

He just...

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In Italy, they call me Olive Oil

Its because im extra virgin. :(

What time do they eat dinner in Italy?

Half pasta six!

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect.

At the very last minute, she realized that she
didn't have any snails for this dinner party, so
she asked her husband to run down to the beach
with the bucket she was handing him to gather
some snails.

Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket,
walked out the door, dow...

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Man from Italy tells story about visit to America:

One day I ma gonna Detroit to bigga hotel. I go down to breakfast. I tella the waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She bring me only one piss. I tell her I wanna two pisses. She say go to the toilet. I say you no understand, I wanna two piss onna my plate. She say you better no piss onna plate, you s...

What do you call a Jamaican man born in Italy?

Reggae-Toni

Why are Italy out of the World Cup?

They didn't pasta ball good enough.

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The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican NSFW

When the Pope answers the door, Dopey steps forward and nervously asks "Your Excellency, I wonder if you could tell me if there are any dwarf nuns in Rome?"

"No Dopey, I don't think there are," the Pope replies.

The other six dwarfs start to giggle.

"Well, are there any dwarf ...

I bought a 400 year-old chair from Italy...

...but as soon as I sat on it, it baroque.

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My Italian Grandfather's Trip to Italy

Let me tell you a story about my Italian grandfather and a trip he took to visit his hometown in Malta. It's easier to understand if you remember he has a thick Italian accent, which I'll try to type phonetically.

"So one-a day I'm-a decide I go back to visit my hometown-a Malta. I get on de ...

Two beggars are sitting side by side on the street in Italy...

Two beggars are sitting side by side on the street in Italy. One has a cross in front of him, the other a Star of David. Many people go by, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.

A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar...

Why did everyone want to go to Italy during World War II?

They were Fascistanating

Traveling through Italy I spent hundreds of Euros on pasta. (Pun)

It was worth every Penne.

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An American walks into a cafe in Italy and orders a drink. The waiter then takes the man to a back room and a fat American chick is there waiting. The chick says "so you want me to suck your dick or what?"

Then he realized he had ordered a "grande Americano with room".

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Dracula in Italy

Count Dracula, fed up with the miserable weather in Transylvania, decides to take a holiday, so he packs up his coffin and capes and heads to Rome for a long weekend.
Upon arriving at his hotel the concierge greets him and asks if has a reservation.
"Yessss," replies the Count. "I am Dracula,...

An ant is lying in its deathbed in North Korea.

He calls his son and says he wanted to tell him something for a long time.

Son Ant : What is it dad?

Father Ant : I cannot say that in this god forbidden country we have to move immediately to France or Italy before i am dead.

Confused,the Son Ant made arrangements to move to Fr...

I've got a map of Italy tattooed on my chest

I've got really sore Naples though

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The seven dwarves went to the Vatican

While six stayed back a few yards Doc went up and knocked on the front door.

"Your Excellency," he said. "I wonder if you could tell me if there are any 3 ft tall nuns in Rome?"

"No, my son, there aren't," the Pope replied.

So Doc went back and told the others. Pretty soon Ba...

Explanation of the crisis in Italy & Greece.

A small town in Italy twinned with a similar town in Greece.
The Mayor of the Greek town visited the Italian town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Italian mayor he wondered how he could afford such a house. The Italian said; "You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a gran...

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Italy, year VI of the Fascist Era.

A very very poor farmer is desperate. He doesn't have food, money or clothes for his children. He's so desperate that he decides to write a letter to God, asking for 500 lire (Italian money).

So he takes a pen and some paper, writes the request, and encloses it in an envelope. Now he has to ...

I've grown an interest with Mussolini's Italy.

I guess you can call it a fascistnation.

A 90 year-old man marries a beautiful 25 year-old woman...

They go on their honeymoon to beautiful, picturesque Venice, Italy. After a day of sightseeing, they return to their hotel. He turns to his young bride and says "Honey, I'm tired after all this excitement. I'm going to go to bed. See you in the morning." She say ok, and off he goes to bed, whil...

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At a Sunday family lunch, a daughter, good student aged 20, announces that she is pregnant.

Father drops the fork and knife in shock. Mother looks at her in total disbelief. None of them are able to say a word for couple of seconds, before yelling starts... What was she thinking about? Of course she does not plan to keep it? They invested so much in her education, how could she do this? Wh...

A man goes to the doctors and says "I feel like an island of the south coast of Italy"

The doctor replies "Don't be Sicily"

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Today I learned that Disney had to rename Moana in Italy because an Italian pornstar has the same name

AND NO ONE KNOOOOOOOOWS HOW DEEP SHE GOOOOOOOOOOOOOES.

A man is on business in Italy...

A man is on business in Italy and in between meetings one day he decides to go to lunch at a restaurant nearby. While he is walking down the street he sees a sign that says come in and try our bull fight special. The man walks in the restaurant and orders the bull fight special, a few minutes later ...

A very rich American gentleman...

A very rich American gentleman was walking along minding his own business, briefcase in hand. He wore glasses, a suit, and a well-trimmed beard.

Suddenly, a shorter, poorly dressed man appeared in his path. He desperately needed a shave and his eyes seemed to bug out.

"Sir! May I ple...

I work as a spy for the US government.

One of my more deadly assignments involved going after a mad scientist in Italy. I was having dinner with one of my contacts over some delicious cheesy rigatoni. Then, out of nowhere, I was hit by a shrink ray and tossed into my food with the sound of evil laughter. Fraught by the perils of steaming...

What's the most popular occupation in Italy?

Pastatution.

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