A young woman ...

A young New York woman was so depressed she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.

Just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her. "You have so much to live for," he said. "I'm a sailor and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you...

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Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community...

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.

However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'si...

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The pope decides to remove all of the jews from italy.

The jews, obviously, disagree with this; so the pope agrees to have a debate with a rabbi for if the jews should stay in italy or not. The jews vote and decide on an old, wise rabbi.

The time for the debate comes, and it dawns on them that they can't understand each other, so they decide to ...

What do you call a genetic engineering company in Italy?

Genitalia.

What do you call the slums of Italy?

The Spaghetto.

The level of humor when telling dark jokes is like a boat full of refugees on it's way to Italy

It sinks.

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Why was Jesus not born in Italy?

God couldn’t find 3 wise men and a virgin.

:: I’m Italian American I just heard this on my recent trip

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My Math teacher went nuts today in Geometry class and started ranting about Japan, Italy, and Germany.

He said we need to know about the ex axis.

Did you know there was a Jedi from Italy who was really strict about diets?

His name was Only One Cannoli.

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Q: Why is Italy shaped like a boot?

A: Because you can't fit that much shit in a shoe.

What language do they speak in Italy

Times New Roman

If I lived in Italy, worked in a Chemist, and loved Reddit

Would that make me a Parma, Pharma, Karma Farmer?

3 spies from England, France and Italy were sent to the USSR.

After a week they were captured and put in jail. The Russians took the English spy, tied and tortured him and after 20 minutes he gave all the info.

Then the Russians took the French spy. They tied and tortured him, and after 20 minutes he too gave all the info.

Then they took the Ital...

What do you call a poor area with high crime rates in Italy?

A sphagetto.

If France and Italy go to war, who would win?

None of them, France would surrender and Italy would switch sides.

I checked my phone bill after my trip to Italy, and it said I spent DCXII dollars.

I must have left on Data Roman.

What part of Italy has the highest crime rate,

The spaghetto

did i ever tell you about the time that i was contacted by a former partner who was working in italy via the money transfer service i was using?

I was not ready when my ex communicated by the paypal authority

What do pups eat in Italy?

Pawsta :D

What do you call a cop in Italy?

A guinea pig.

OC per my crazy Italian Uncle. All mail should be directed to my ass.

How does Italy execute its criminals?

Guidotine

Why is the Leaning Tower of Pisa in Italy?

Because it's italicized.

A Canadian man went hitchhiking in Italy

He wandered aboot for three weeks.

What do you call the sketchy parts of Italy?

The Spaghettos :)

A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport

A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.

"Thank you, honey", she says.

"What would you like me to bring back for you?"

He laughs and says, "An Italian girl!"

When the conference is over, he meets her at the airport and asks, "...

a nice Italian couple . . .

At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto, they have weekly husbands'
marriage seminars.

At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was
approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and
share some insight into how he had managed to stay married...

France and Italy are at war. Who wins?

No one. France surrenders and Italy changes sides

Why do tics from Italy make the best significant others?

They’re Romantics.

Why is having a BBQ not popular in Italy?

Spaghetti keep falling through the grill

"There's a woman trapped under a motorway bridge in Italy."

"Genoa?"

"I'm not sure, I can't see her face."

What do you call a couple of ants sharing a slice of pizza in Italy?

Romance

Genoa bout the bridge collapse in Italy?

Ah well, we won't go over it then.

A foreigner was walking around Italy

When suddenly a thief grabbed her purse and started running away
The woman shouted "Hey! It's my purse!"
The thief shouted back "It's my job!"

Why did the lonely entomologist go to italy?

To find rome ants

Why are there no jehovah's witnesses in Italy?

The mafia doesn't like witnesses.

Why Does Italy Have Such A Low Teen Pregnancy Rate?

Because the kids learn in Italian history to always pull out

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If World War One were a bar fight.

Germany, Austria and Italy are standing together in the middle of a pub when Serbia bumps into Austria and spills Austria's pint. Austria demands Serbia buy it a complete new suit because there are splashes on its trouser leg. Germany expresses its support for Austria's point of view. Britain recomm...

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Alessandro was all excited to emigrate to America from Italy

But just few days later he was back in his home town. His friends asked him “Alessandro wha happen?”
Alessandro said “Well I landa in New York and its a too cold. I say America land of the free, I go anywhere do anything. I taka the train to Florida. On the train, I smoka cigarette. The conducta ...

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A Greek, A German and An Italian get stranded after a plane crash.

They wander for days until finally they see something in the distance. They approach and are found by some local tribesmen and are accused of trespassing their village. Immediately they are led in front of the local leader:

"I am in a good mood so I will let you go if you participate in a sma...

I was walking in Little Italy yesterday

when I saw a man patiently standing by his car as he was being written a parking ticket. The officer finished, and the man thanked her and opened his car.

Confused as to why he seemed so unconcerned I approached him. "Sir! You just got a ticket! How are you so calm about this?"

He just...

What’s the difference between a word that’s spelled the same forwards and backwards and your friend in Italy?

One’s a palindrome and one’s a pal in Rome

What speech did Abraham Lincoln give when he went to Italy?

The Spaghetties-burg Address.

What is the proper way to explore Italy?

You Rome.

A man is on business in Italy...

A man is on business in Italy and in between meetings one day he decides to go to lunch at a restaurant nearby. While he is walking down the street he sees a sign that says come in and try our bull fight special. The man walks in the restaurant and orders the bull fight special, a few minutes later ...

Two beggars are sitting side by side on the street in Italy...

Two beggars are sitting side by side on the street in Italy. One has a cross in front of him, the other a Star of David. Many people go by, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.

A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar...

What time do they eat dinner in Italy?

Half pasta six!

How do you break up with somebody in Italy?

It's not you! It's a me, Mario!

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect.

At the very last minute, she realized that she
didn't have any snails for this dinner party, so
she asked her husband to run down to the beach
with the bucket she was handing him to gather
some snails.

Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket,
walked out the door, dow...

What do you call a Jamaican man born in Italy?

Reggae-Toni

Visiting Italy this week and I tried some donkey sausage at the market.

It tasted like ass.

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Man from Italy tells story about visit to America:

One day I ma gonna Detroit to bigga hotel. I go down to breakfast. I tella the waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She bring me only one piss. I tell her I wanna two pisses. She say go to the toilet. I say you no understand, I wanna two piss onna my plate. She say you better no piss onna plate, you s...

Why are Italy out of the World Cup?

They didn't pasta ball good enough.

Building Inspectors should be stricter in Pisa, Italy.

Since they are a bit too *lean*ient.

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An American walks into a cafe in Italy and orders a drink. The waiter then takes the man to a back room and a fat American chick is there waiting. The chick says "so you want me to suck your dick or what?"

Then he realized he had ordered a "grande Americano with room".

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Dracula in Italy

Count Dracula, fed up with the miserable weather in Transylvania, decides to take a holiday, so he packs up his coffin and capes and heads to Rome for a long weekend.
Upon arriving at his hotel the concierge greets him and asks if has a reservation.
"Yessss," replies the Count. "I am Dracula,...

I bought a 400 year-old chair from Italy...

...but as soon as I sat on it, it baroque.

Traveling through Italy I spent hundreds of Euros on pasta. (Pun)

It was worth every Penne.

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In Italy, they call me Olive Oil

Its because im extra virgin. :(

Why did everyone want to go to Italy during World War II?

They were Fascistanating

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My Italian Grandfather's Trip to Italy

Let me tell you a story about my Italian grandfather and a trip he took to visit his hometown in Malta. It's easier to understand if you remember he has a thick Italian accent, which I'll try to type phonetically.

"So one-a day I'm-a decide I go back to visit my hometown-a Malta. I get on de ...

I told my friend I was going to dress up as a small island off the coast of Italy for halloween

He said don't be Sicily

Explanation of the crisis in Italy & Greece.

A small town in Italy twinned with a similar town in Greece.
The Mayor of the Greek town visited the Italian town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Italian mayor he wondered how he could afford such a house. The Italian said; "You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a gran...

A man goes to the doctors and says "I feel like an island of the south coast of Italy"

The doctor replies "Don't be Sicily"

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Italy, year VI of the Fascist Era.

A very very poor farmer is desperate. He doesn't have food, money or clothes for his children. He's so desperate that he decides to write a letter to God, asking for 500 lire (Italian money).

So he takes a pen and some paper, writes the request, and encloses it in an envelope. Now he has to ...

I've got a map of Italy tattooed on my chest

I've got really sore Naples though

I've grown an interest with Mussolini's Italy.

I guess you can call it a fascistnation.

Pmsl

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. Furthermore, if she sta...

What's the most popular occupation in Italy?

Pastatution.

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A joke from Italy

-Dad, do farts have a weight?

-I don't think so

-So....well, I guess I pooped myself

What body of water separates Italy from the word 'goodbye'?

River Derci. Sorry.

What's the best selling soft drink in Italy?

Dr. Pepe

What's the difference between a bad coffee in Switzerland and a bad coffee in Italy?

When you drink a bad coffee in Switzerland you say, "Merci!".

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WHY PEOPLE HATE SCHOOL RE-UNIONS

Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since leaving school.

They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.

Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.

Sue arrives shortly afterward, in grey...

Why does time go by so fast in Italy?

Because every time you turn around you see a dago by.

An ant is lying in its deathbed in North Korea.

He calls his son and says he wanted to tell him something for a long time.

Son Ant : What is it dad?

Father Ant : I cannot say that in this god forbidden country we have to move immediately to France or Italy before i am dead.

Confused,the Son Ant made arrangements to move to Fr...

I went to a military history exhibit at a museum in Little Italy.

I saw a cool old German submarine. I walked up to a guy and said, "Hey, is that a U-boat?"

He said, "No, it's-a the museum's!"

Why don't they sell GPSs in Italy?

Because all the roads lead to Rome.

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