A European and an American

European: Wanna hear a joke?

American: Sure.

European: Free Healthcare.

American: I don't get it.

European: I Know.

If America is storming Area 51 then the Europeans can storm the Vatican

We’ll take the aliens, you get the predators

English to become the official European language

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. 

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement an...

The difference between a 21 year-old American and European

An American on their 21st birthday: Wow! I can finally drink!

A European on their 21st birthday: Wo-w-wow! I really ought to cut back on my drinking!

What is a Karen called in Europe

An American

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What is the difference between a vibrator and the 12 European Super League club owners?

The European Super League owners are real dicks.

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Arsenal are gutted at the collapse of the European Super League

They were really looking forward to the possibility of finishing as high as 12th place

What is an Eastern European’s favorite food?

Coleslav

You are european when going to the bathroom and european when you leave the bathroom. What are you whilst in the bathroom?

You're peeing

Why do European submarines have barcodes?

So when they get to port they can Scandinavian.

Two very old men of unimportant european nationality meet

While talking, one asks: "You watching the football game?" (Soccer for our American friends)

The other says: "Who's playing?"

"Austria-Hungary", says the first.

"Against whom?"

How Do I Know That Eastern European’s Love Board Games

Because I Have A Czech Mate Who Told Me So.

I just got off the phone with my European friend visiting Buffalo.

He said make it quick he's roaming.

1980s European leaders Mitterrand, Brezhnev and Thatcher were flying around Europe in a helicopter, trying to recognize cities without seeing them.

Thatcher went first. She stuck her ear out the window and stated: "I can hear Big Ben chime. This is London!"

Next was Mitterrand. He stuck his nose out and stated: "I can smell fresh baguette. This is Paris!"

Last was Brezhnev. He stuck his hand out and yelped: "What... hey! Somebody ...

I have a European friend who I play chess with

Or as I like to call him, my Czech mate

European heaven/ European hell

European heaven is a place where the chefs are spanish, the police is british, the mechanics are germans, the lovers are italians and everything is organized by the swiss.

European hell is a place where the chefs are british, the police is german, the mechanics are spanish, the lovers are sw...

You know the difference between Americans and Europeans? .

Europeans think 100 miles is a long distance.

Americans think 100 years is a long time.

What joke is the same in all european languages?

USA

What did the girl say to the hot European?

Czech him out!

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An American, European and Israeli get captured by ISIS.

The captors decide after some discussion that they will behead all 3. The captors ask each of the people what they would like before being executed. The American is asking for a hamburger, the European asked for red wine and the Israeli asked to be kicked in the butt.

All three received what...

An Asian, an American, and a European walk into a bar.

They sit down at the table, and decide to hit up some drinks.



American: I'll have a Coke! I don't want to get drunk.



European: I'll have a watery rum! I'll stay up for the drive.



Asian: I'll have 3 bottles beer, and a side of whiskey!




T...

You don’t find many European people with a fetish for feet

They’re more in to meters

The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make is taking a stroll down his local high street.

As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye. "Just Released: New LP - Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now!"

Unable to resist the temptation, the man goes into the shop. "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very...

All of my European friends tell me I have a foot fetish.

I tell them, I’ll never understand the metric system.

When you really have to pee, your Russian to the bathroom, when you walk out, you're Finnish, so what are you while you're inside?

European!

This was one of my dad's jokes

What side of the earth were Europeans best at exploring?

Genocide

A building inspector for an old European town found that all buildings built between 1584 and 1750 had significant structural flaws.

Otherwise, if it ain't Baroque, don't fix it.

The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.

He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”

“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”

"That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.

He li...

Native American name - a true story

25 years ago, I worked with a guy named Kee Smith (last name changed here... this is really a real story). Kee was sort of a crunchy granola type of European ancestry. Eventually, he told the story about his unusual name.

He said he was born on a reservation, and he was placed in a bassinet...

What does a European person say when they see something nasty?

EU.

My friend went to California last year, he saw 2 people arguing. A European and an American, they were arguing about whether Americans were stupid or not, the European then said "You're proof that Americans are stupid" and the American responded:

I'm not even American, I'm Californian!

Ordered a European cabinet from Wayfair and received a girl instead

Not what I expected when the description said Swedish maid

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What do you call a fat European knight who works in the porn industry?

Sir Cum France

Do europeans have a foot fetish?

No, they have a centimeter fetish..

The world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds they make is walking down the street.

He passes a record store that's advertising a sale. The sign says "45 RPM Vinyl First Editions, European Wasps and The Sounds They Make." Naturally, he's intrigued. So he stops on in and says to the record man, "excuse me, but I am the worlds leading expert on European Wasps and the sounds they make...

Did you know you can't tell Europeans to smile?

You can only tell them to Skilometer.

In Half-Life 2, European cities were renamed with numbers - e.g. most events are in City 17; there is also City 69, formerly known as

Nice.

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A man is walking in the street and sees a women with the most beautiful breasts he’s ever seen.

He walks up to her and asks: “If I give you 10’000$, will you let me bite your boob?”
The woman, quite shocked, obviously says no.
The man then asks if he can bite her breast for 100’000$. The woman still says no. The man asks for 1’000’000$, 10’000’000$ and 100’000’000$ but the woman still re...

An engineer accidentally gave a medical school exam. See his answers:

1. Antibody - One who hates his body .

2. Artery - Study of Fine Paintings or military, not sure.

3. Bacteria - Back door of a Cafeteria .

4. Coma - Punctuation Mark .

5. Gall Bladder - Bladder of a Girl .

6. Genes - Blue Denim.

7. Labour Pain - Hurt at Work...

If you learn all of the european languages, you know which one you have to learn last?

Finnish

My friend who works as a beautician wants to learn Eastern European languages

It sounds challenging, but I know she's going to nail Polish.

How can you tell the God of thunder is European?

He still has his thorskin

An Asian, an European and an American is stranded on an island after surviving a sinking ship accident.

They now want to start a new society, at least until they're rescued.

The American decides to be the minister of building and construction and the European takes the position as the minister of food and cooking.

Left over, the Asian is now pretty disappointed that they can't find any m...

It ticks me off whenever A European is confused about not being charged for extra refills when the answer is so simple...

Land of the free.

The Interview

An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of rsums he found four people who were equally qualified. An American, an Indian, a European and a Nigerian.He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answers w...

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A woman visits her mother and tell her she's divorcing her husband.

The mother replies:

But why? Your husband is super kind, good looking and is a millionaire. You're living in a castle, you're driving a rolls royce, you even have butlers!

Yes mother, but he is obsessed with anal sex. Everyday ha wants to put it in my ass.

Before i met him my as...

Some European explorers were traveling through the Amazon rainforest with some natives as guides...

when they started hearing drums in the distance. Puzzled the Europeans inquired, “we hear drums? What does that mean?”

The Natives answered, “When drums stop, very bad.”

Reluctantly the exploration continues. After 5 minutes the drums had started getting louder and the explorers star...

If you think it's bad that Europeans drive on the other side of the road....

consider that Australians have to drive upside down...

The Native Americans were surprised to be colonised by Europeans

No one expects the Spanish Acquisition

Did you hear about the European country ruled by small guitars?

I think it’s called Uke-reign.


(I came up with this I’m so proud of myself)

I traveled to London this year to take part in Europe's largest chess tournament and was destroyed in the first round by this European guy with an odd accent. I waited until the end of the game to ask him about where he was from and what kind of accent he had...

He responded: "Czech, mate!"

I made a pencil with two erasers.

It was pointless...

PS: I actually didn't, but it's my favourite bad joke, and it's my cake day, so I can do whatever I want!

Edit #1: If you didn't see my comment somehow, I feel scammed, because at the time of posting this, I yet had like 2 hours of my cake day left. I guess Reddit d...

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Racism is not a joke

Hi, I've travelled around the world a little bit and I've had many wonderful experiences, although the story I'm about to share is one of the worst experiences in my life.

I went to Japan a few years ago and for the most part had a wonderful time and found the people to be amazingly friendly ...

What’s the difference between Euros and BTC?

The European Central Bank sure doesn’t know, maybe they can ask Elon.

Who is 6’5”, ripped, and loves 17th century European architecture?

Dwayne ‘Baroque’ Johnson

How do Europeans charge their phones?

With EUB cables

I told a joke during tech sound setup: "There were two European tourists walking down the street. One was from Budapest."

"There was a Czech one, too."

How much space will Brexit free up in the European Union?

1 GB

Why do Northern Europeans never get stuff done late

They’re already Finished

I have a Request for European Redditors, When my cousin Miles visits next year...

Please don't call him Kilometers.

It just doesn't translate.

Why are European cars the lightest?

because there's no Americans sitting in them.

Trump just banned the import of any European cheese into America

How dairy.

Overheard a 4th grader tell this one...

What’s your nationality when you’re in the bathroom?

European

None of my European electronics worked properly in the US, until I prayed to God.

Turns out they just needed a higher power.

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Trump wants to paint the Whitehouse. He asks for a quote from a Chinese guy, a European, and a Turk.

The Chinese guy says he can do it for 3 million dollars, the European says he can do it for 7 million, and the Turk says he can do it for 10 million.

Trump asks the Chinese man why it would cost 3 million and he responds "one for paint, one for my workers, and one for my profit".

Tru...

A couple of years ago Barry went hiking across Europe

But as time passed by he never returned home. His many friends tried contacting him in any way they could imagine, but his phone was disconnected, he wasn't active on his social media accounts anymore - it was like he disappeared off the face of the Earth.

Ultimately, everyone had forgotten a...

2 Yetis meet on a dating app

2 Yetis matched on a dating app one day. One was American, the other European. In spite of American Yeti’s peculiarities and the yawning physical gap between them, they hit it off. Having gone back and forth for a little while, American Yeti asks European Yeti for a picture. European Yeti happily ob...

My friend says she's never dating a European guy again.

She said "They always either try to leave randomly or just don't Finnish."

What's the best European city to 69 in?

Nice

Sorry.

The European Union is like a bad boss.

If everything goes well it’s thanks to it but if something goes wrong it’s your fault.

My Eastern European girlfriend bought me some flowers for Valentine’s Day.

They were from Russia with Love

My grandparents are from San Juan, Puerto Rico, but the rest of my family is European.

I guess that makes me Quarter-Rican.

Europeans have been testing aircraft engines against bird strikes for a long while, using a cannon which launched (deceased, obviously) chickens at the aeroplane.

Eventually, the Americans decided they needed to test their engines tbe same way. So they brought a device over and started testing. No matter how resilient they made the engines, they always failed. After months of testing, they gave up and sent for a European engineer to advise on what wad wrong.<...

In 2002 Justin Timberlake made a hit song about Eastern European waterways.

It specifically talks about a river in Crimea.

(edit: I originally got my Justins mixed up, thanks for the comments :) )

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An American woman is about to have sex with a European man

She pulls down his pants and sees that his penis is uncircumcised.

"Ew! You're not circumcised?" She asks.

"Well, no." He replies. "That's not common where I'm from."

The woman sighs and decides to just go with it. She begins taking off all of her clothes until she's completely ...

Art thieves pillaged a museum of European 17th and 18th century artwork. They smashed windows, stole paintings, destroyed exhibits, and even did a number on the light fixtures. Everything about the place is a mere ruin of what it was yesterday.

It's all baroque now.

Why did the American student spend his year in European brothels?

To study a broad.

Everyone gets what they want out of brexit

The Brits get their blue passports and the average iq of the European Union goes up by 10 points.

Remember when the UK was part of the European Union?

I remember it like it was yesterday

Two European frogs discuss their ancestry

"So, are you a complete french frog?"

"No. I'm a tad-pole."

I broke up with my European girlfriend because we weren’t on the same page.

I’m 8 1/2 x 11. She’s A4.

It just didn’t feel right. We didn’t fit together.

The European conference

Centuries ago, a conference took place in Europe. The issue was finding a solution to flood control in The Netherlands. Now, the English delegate was a blatant racist against the Dutch, and couldn't care less about their lives. Each of the delegates from all around Europe were asked for their ideas,...

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to Hoover the house.

Turns out she was a Slovak.

What did the NTSC player say to his European friend?

Hello pal!

An American is exercising in a gym

"This workout is intense," he huffs. "My heart is pounding."

"Eh?" says a fellow next to him.

"Oh sorry, I forget that you're European. My heart is 'kilogramming'," he replies.

"Oh yeah same," says the European.

I have an Eastern European friend who fixes my language mistakes...

My personal spell Czech.

I asked my European boss if he had read Farenheit 451.

He told me he only made it to page 232...

From what I've learnt during my education about European countries, Switzerland seems like a great place

The best part about it is its flag. It's a big plus

At a European airport I saw a guy with a really long and very thin suitcase.......

I went up to him and asked: “Tell me, are you a Pole Vaulter?”
He replied: “Nein, I am German but how did you know my name was Walter?”

I've had bad luck with European women

Ginger Vitis -- such bad breath

Anna Phalaxis -- kept fainting

Anne Gina -- broken heart (her brother-in-law Arthur Itis was such a pain)

Di Abetes -- too sugary sweet

Pam Creatis -- made me sick to my stomach

Lauren Gitis -- too quiet

Rose Acea -- A bit ras...

The European Space Agency (ESA) recruits one Dutch, one French and one Turkish astronaut for a space mission

As the mission should last 10 years, they ask the astronauts what they want to bring with them in space.

The Dutch says: "I would like to master a new language, can I bring a Spanish teacher?". ESA recruits the best Spanish teacher trains them and sends them to the space with the others.
<...

A time-traveler arrives in the middle of a medieval european war...

Clueless about his whereabouts and the year he’s in, he follows a few soldiers in the middle of a siege to ask them.

“Do you know where we are?” the time-traveler asked.

“We’re in Cambrai !” One of them replied

“And do you know what year it is ?”

“ 1339, why do you ask ?”...

A cop arrested a European robot, but eventually let it go.

He couldn't charge it with anything.

I’ve been asked if I want to go for a weekend away to a Central European country by a guy at work.

Hungary?

No, Dave the cleaner. Gary is married.

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A British explorer sets out for an expedition into Africa...

This is a time when Europeans know very, very little about the "cannibalistic African savages," and the African tribesmen know even less about the ways of the white man. So, our explorer comes to Africa, hoping to disperse the clouds of mist, and after having to resort to employing firearms a few ti...

An American guy is talking with European in some bar in USA.

The American guy is saying: "I heard you have now some problems with immigrants in Europe."

An American Indian bends from the next table and says: "Pay attention to that, we heavily underestimated that once"

An Englishman, Irishman, and an Eastern European walked into a bar.

And that’s why I voted Brexit!

(I didn’t)

Did all Europeans give Native Americans smallpox on purpose?

Or is that a blanket statement?

Based on a True Story: A breeding pair of crocodiles ate two European tourists in Australia

This actually happened back when I was a kid in the 90's: A French photographer and his friend from Czechoslovakia got too close to a nesting site and were attacked and consumed by a pair of crocodiles in Australia. The female ate the Frenchman.

The Czech was in the male.

So I was in a hostel playing chess with a European guy when an Aussie comes up and says...

"There's no way you'll win."

"Why?"

"Because he's Czech, mate."

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