European Jokes

because there's no Americans sitting in them.

So, be sure to follow the instructions.

Put Peg A into Slot B, and then screw until the nuts tighten.

Heaven: The British are the police, the French are chefs, the Germans are the mechanics, the Swiss are the administrators, and the Italians are the lovers.


Hell: The Germans are the police, the British are the chefs, the French are the mechanics, the Italians are the administrators, and... read more

A German walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender tells him : "20 euros!"

The German is shocked - "20 euros? yesterday it was only 3 euros !"

"Well, today it is 20 euros."

\- "But why 20, damn it?"

Bar tender : "I'll explain it,

\-3 euros is beer,... read more

Because they are GerMANY.

Turns out they just needed a higher power.

I am stuck between Russia and Poland.

I am getting hit very violently.

Yellow is one of my two colors.

What am I ?

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.

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**A tennis ball in Dubai Semi Final**

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An American on their 21st birthday: Wow! I can finally drink!

A European on their 21st birthday: Wo-w-wow! I really ought to cut back on my drinking!

The European is visiting the United States for the first time: So how many cents in a dollar?

The American: 100, of course

The European: 100? Why not 62, or 37?

The American: 62? What are you talking about? It's 100. Of course, it is. It's a nice round number and easy to calcula... read more

It isn’t a colony if somebody already lives there.

Turns out she was a Slovak.

A European Redditor.

European: Wanna hear a joke?

American: Sure.

European: Free Healthcare

American: I don't get it

European: I know.

They both fear a draft

Czech him out!

Hamsterdam

Europeans think 100 miles is a long distance.

Americans think 100 years is a long time.

They sit down at the table, and decide to hit up some drinks.



American: I'll have a Coke! I don't want to get drunk.



European: I'll have a watery rum! I'll stay up for the drive.



Asian: I'll have 3 bottles beer, and a side of whiskey!




T... read more

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. 

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement an... read more

We’ll take the aliens, you get the predators

He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”

“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”

"That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.

He li... read more

The US president asked for estimates from contractors from different countries to paint the White House.

The Chinese contractor estimates three million dollars.

And the European contractor said the cost was seven million dollars

And then the Pakistani contractor made an estima... read more

Still waiting. My Czech is still in the mail.

He's my Czech mate.

I gave her the vacuum and she said she’d start right away. When I came back from work, she was still vacuuming, 8 hours later.

She was a Slovac.

They put the job out to tender. They get in 3 responses.


First in is Hans from Germany. He gets straight to the point. "I'll build it for €30,000."
The Eurocrat behind the desk looks up from his note pad. "Can you give us some more detail, Hans?"
"Ja! €10,000 labour, €10,000 m... read more

...a tad Pole.

I call it the Goulashnikov.

Because only with them is a car truly finnished

...well, lots of zeroes...usually added to the end of the bill.

Vulgaria

But she said she'd rather just be friends, so now I'm stuck in the PAL Region.

The Netherlands

Antwerp!

and an American says "hey, your foot... "

European cuts him midway "oh you Americans and your lack of knowledge of the units whole world uses. It's not foot, it's meter"

American says "your meter is bleeding"

Make their food spicy

USA

Being bored, Musk turned to the European and said; "Lets play a game. You ask me a question, if I dont know the answer, I pay you 500 dollars. Then I ask you a question, if you dont know the answer, you pay me 5 dollars." The European, thinking for a second, said; "sure, but you ask the first questi... read more

Don't worry, he'll tell you

You're peeing

They're working on it 24/7

“EU”.

Fin-ish

While talking, one asks: "You watching the football game?" (Soccer for our American friends)

The other says: "Who's playing?"

"Austria-Hungary", says the first.

"Against whom?"

The Shrek Republic.

Because they shoot all the ones who go to school

EDIT: I love jokes and comedic freedom... but I AM SO SORRY ABOUT THIS ONE LOL

EDIT 2: Thanks for letting me share the pain of this one with you, internet. And I’m not European (where are ppl getting this lol), I am also 🇺🇸

It was a Finnish hymn.

**An African student:** What's food?

**A European student:** What's scarcity?

**An American student:** What are 'other countries'?

**A Chinese student:** What's 'my own opinion'?

Your ancestors colonized entire countries in much higher temperatures.

It sounds challenging, but I know she's going to nail Polish.

Coleslav

Genocide

Marine Le Pen

... and asks the tribeleader if he may stay with them. The leader agrees on one condition: No white child can be born.

However, 9 months later, a woman is discovered with a white child.
The leader summons the missonary to explain himself. The missionary looks out the window and shows the ... read more

The European boasted, "We hardly even have racism here in Europe!" I asked them, "What about Romani people? Does the racism they experience not count?"

They replied, "Of course not! Romanis aren't people!"

Nice

Sorry.

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe, as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late, and raining very hard. Bob could barely see 20 feet in front of the car.

Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob at... read more

Well, he said he was a hung aryan

Not what I expected when the description said Swedish maid

Happy 9/11 guys!

No, they have a centimeter fetish..

I think it’s called Uke-reign.


(I came up with this I’m so proud of myself)

Centuries ago, a conference took place in Europe. The issue was finding a solution to flood control in The Netherlands. Now, the English delegate was a blatant racist against the Dutch, and couldn't care less about their lives. Each of the delegates from all around Europe were asked for their ideas,... read more

You can only tell them to Skilometer.

North Polish to be exact

Their rudeness and arrogance make reminds me of my homeland, it makes me so nostalgic.

I tell them, I’ll never understand the metric system.

He passes a record store that's advertising a sale. The sign says "45 RPM Vinyl First Editions, European Wasps and The Sounds They Make." Naturally, he's intrigued. So he stops on in and says to the record man, "excuse me, but I am the worlds leading expert on European Wasps and the sounds they make... read more

"So, are you a complete french frog?"

"No. I'm a tad-pole."

Because I Have A Czech Mate Who Told Me So.

They both make people cry when they're chopped up.

Its part of their sanctions package to target people who are Russian.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling.

The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"

"Yes."
"Oui.... read more

He still has his thorskin

With EUB cables

No one expects the Spanish Acquisition

...so I decided to Russia over to a European restaurant because I was Hungary. After Czech'ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter 'Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite'.

But there is Norway I would be able to Finnish it.

He said make it quick he's roaming.

How dairy.

11/7

If everything goes well it’s thanks to it but if something goes wrong it’s your fault.

My personal spell Czech.

But Swiss cheese is holy.

It says "Made in China, 100% Polyesterene, Do not Iron" I think its Swedish, I'm not sure.

Dwayne ‘Baroque’ Johnson

Unable to resist the temptation, Brian goes into the shop. "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."

"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like t... read more