The 94+ Best European Jokes

10% of European babies are conceived on an IKEA bed.

So, be sure to follow the instructions.

Put Peg A into Slot B, and then screw until the nuts tighten.

If America is storming Area 51 then the Europeans can storm the Vatican

We’ll take the aliens, you get the predators

A German in a Bar

A German walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender tells him : "20 euros!"

The German is shocked - "20 euros? yesterday it was only 3 euros !"

"Well, today it is 20 euros."

\- "But why 20, damn it?"

Bar tender : "I'll explain it,

\-3 euros is beer,...

European Heaven & Hell

Heaven: The British are the police, the French are chefs, the Germans are the mechanics, the Swiss are the administrators, and the Italians are the lovers.

Hell: The Germans are the police, the British are the chefs, the French are the mechanics, the Italians are the administrators, and...

Why are European cars the lightest?

because there's no Americans sitting in them.

Why does Germany have the biggest population in the European Union?

Because they are GerMANY.

What did the girl say to the hot European?

Czech him out!

What do you call an European city filled with rodents?

Hamsterdam

The difference between a 21 year-old American and European

An American on their 21st birthday: Wow! I can finally drink!

A European on their 21st birthday: Wo-w-wow! I really ought to cut back on my drinking!

English to become the official European language

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement an...

None of my European electronics worked properly in the US, until I prayed to God.

Turns out they just needed a higher power.

How do you anger a European?

It isn’t a colony if somebody already lives there.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Putin and Biden are wrapping up their discussion...

Putin says: "You know, Joe. I had this dream few days ago"

Biden: "Oh, what kind of dream?"

Putin: "I saw America, in flames. Nuclear warhead crater where Capitol used to be. New York leveled. Los Angeles covered in human ash. It was Glorious, Joe. I nearly teared up..."

Biden: ...

Eastern European Charade

I am stuck between Russia and Poland.

I am getting hit very violently.

Yellow is one of my two colors.

What am I ?

.

.

.

.

.

.

**A tennis ball in Dubai Semi Final**

.

The world’s leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.

He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”

“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”

“That would be wonderful,” says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.

He list...

Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, is taking a stroll down his local high street. As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye. "Just Released - New LP - Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now"

Unable to resist the temptation, Brian goes into the shop. "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."

"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like t...

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to Hoover the house.

Turns out she was a Slovak.

I recently got an Eastern European maid to help clean around the house

I gave her the vacuum and she said she’d start right away. When I came back from work, she was still vacuuming, 8 hours later.

She was a Slovac.

What do Europeans facing high gas prices and Russian men have in common?

They both fear a draft

Made an Eastern European friend on a chess forum.

He was my Czech mate.

The European Union is proposing to build a public toilet in Brussels.

They put the job out to tender. They get in 3 responses.

First in is Hans from Germany. He gets straight to the point. "I'll build it for €30,000."
The Eurocrat behind the desk looks up from his note pad. "Can you give us some more detail, Hans?"
"Ja! €10,000 labour, €10,000 m...

I'm a European frog; mostly French, a bit German, and...

...a tad Pole.

To all the Europeans suffering from the current heat wave, here is a reminder to stay strong.

Your ancestors colonized entire countries in much higher temperatures.

Last night, I, an American, was arguing with a European over whether Europe or the United States was better.

The European boasted, "We hardly even have racism here in Europe!" I asked them, "What about Romani people? Does the racism they experience not count?"

They replied, "Of course not! Romanis aren't people!"

A European tells an American a joke

European: Wanna hear a joke?

American: Sure.

European: Free Healthcare

American: I don't get it

European: I know.

I'm developing a gun that shoots east european stew.

I call it the Goulashnikov.

What joke is the same in all european languages?

USA

An Asian, an American, and a European walk into a bar.

They sit down at the table, and decide to hit up some drinks.

American: I'll have a Coke! I don't want to get drunk.

European: I'll have a watery rum! I'll stay up for the drive.

Asian: I'll have 3 bottles beer, and a side of whiskey!

T...

You know the difference between Americans and Europeans? .

Europeans think 100 miles is a long distance.

Americans think 100 years is a long time.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An American, European and Israeli get captured by ISIS.

The captors decide after some discussion that they will behead all 3. The captors ask each of the people what they would like before being executed. The American is asking for a hamburger, the European asked for red wine and the Israeli asked to be kicked in the butt.

All three received what...

Where do potty-mouthed Eastern Europeans come from?

Vulgaria

There's zero difference between US and European Healthcare....

...well, lots of zeroes...usually added to the end of the bill.

Fun Fact: The Mortal Kombat theme was actually inspired by an old European song of praise.

It was a Finnish hymn.

Elon Musk and some European guy sat next to eachother on a plane.

Being bored, Musk turned to the European and said; "Lets play a game. You ask me a question, if I dont know the answer, I pay you 500 dollars. Then I ask you a question, if you dont know the answer, you pay me 5 dollars." The European, thinking for a second, said; "sure, but you ask the first questi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Using a bike pump on a truck tire is like an old European prostitute…

It’s 10 pumps a pound.

In which European country it hurts more to be hit?

The Netherlands

I asked out this European Girl I know.

But she said she'd rather just be friends, so now I'm stuck in the PAL Region.

Apparently scientists are now investigating an anomaly in the European date system

They're working on it 24/7

How do you commit a hate crime against a European?

Make their food spicy

Northern europeans are good with car production

Because only with them is a car truly finnished

What do you call an American who wants to be an European?

Transatlantic.

What European city has the most insects?

Antwerp!

How can you tell if a Redditor is European?

Don't worry, he'll tell you

What do European Nationalists say when they see something disgusting?

“EU”.

My friend who works as a beautician wants to learn Eastern European languages

It sounds challenging, but I know she's going to nail Polish.

Which European country did Fiona and Shrek go to for their honeymoon?

The Shrek Republic.

Why are Americans so stupid?

Because they shoot all the ones who go to school

EDIT: I love jokes and comedic freedom... but I AM SO SORRY ABOUT THIS ONE LOL

EDIT 2: Thanks for letting me share the pain of this one with you, internet. And I’m not European (where are ppl getting this lol), I am also 🇺🇸

A European is visiting USA

and an American says "hey, your foot... "

European cuts him midway "oh you Americans and your lack of knowledge of the units whole world uses. It's not foot, it's meter"

American says "your meter is bleeding"

Europeans announced they were going to increase penalties for driving with excessive speed and being late for work.

Its part of their sanctions package to target people who are Russian.

100 is a nice round number

The European is visiting the United States for the first time: So how many cents in a dollar?

The American: 100, of course

The European: 100? Why not 62, or 37?

The American: 62? What are you talking about? It's 100. Of course, it is. It's a nice round number and easy to calcula...

As an eastern European living in a western country, dealing with bureaucrats always brings me to tears

Their rudeness and arrogance make reminds me of my homeland, it makes me so nostalgic.

I met this european guy last night who claimed he was a well endowed white supremacist

Well, he said he was a hung aryan

What do you call a person who's an expert in American culture and politics?

A European Redditor.

What do you call a half European shark?

Fin-ish

You are european when going to the bathroom and european when you leave the bathroom. What are you whilst in the bathroom?

You're peeing

Two very old men of unimportant european nationality meet

While talking, one asks: "You watching the football game?" (Soccer for our American friends)

The other says: "Who's playing?"

"Austria-Hungary", says the first.

"Against whom?"

European heaven and hell

European heaven is where:

All the soldiers are British,
All the wine is French,
All the cars are German,
All the lovers are Italian,
The weather is Greek,
And everything is organized by the Swiss

European hell is where:

All the soldiers are French,
All the wine...

Which European political leader likes to write at sea?

Marine Le Pen

In today’s European Championship soccer match, several players from the Czech Republic were seen slipping on the grass repeatedly in their loss to Denmark, while their Danish opponents didn’t seem to have an issue at all.

Must be an issue with Czechs and balances.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Trump wants to paint the Whitehouse. He asks for a quote from a Chinese guy, a European, and a Turk.

The Chinese guy says he can do it for 3 million dollars, the European says he can do it for 7 million, and the Turk says he can do it for 10 million.

Trump asks the Chinese man why it would cost 3 million and he responds "one for paint, one for my workers, and one for my profit".

Tru...

All of my European friends tell me I have a foot fetish.

I tell them, I’ll never understand the metric system.

The world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds they make is walking down the street.

He passes a record store that's advertising a sale. The sign says "45 RPM Vinyl First Editions, European Wasps and The Sounds They Make." Naturally, he's intrigued. So he stops on in and says to the record man, "excuse me, but I am the worlds leading expert on European Wasps and the sounds they make...

An American biker decides to travel the world...

Once upon a time there lived an American biker named Rick. Now, Rick loved to ride his motorcycle, but was tired of driving up and down the same roads, day after day.

One morning, he woke up, and decided to travel the world. So he saved up some money, got on a plane, along with his trusty Ha...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the difference between a vibrator and the 12 European Super League club owners?

The European Super League owners are real dicks.

What is an Eastern European’s favorite food?

Coleslav

I traveled to London this year to take part in Europe's largest chess tournament and was destroyed in the first round by this European guy with an odd accent. I waited until the end of the game to ask him about where he was from and what kind of accent he had...

He responded: "Czech, mate!"

An Asian, an European and an American is stranded on an island after surviving a sinking ship accident.

They now want to start a new society, at least until they're rescued.

The American decides to be the minister of building and construction and the European takes the position as the minister of food and cooking.

Left over, the Asian is now pretty disappointed that they can't find any m...

What side of the earth were Europeans best at exploring?

Genocide

Ordered a European cabinet from Wayfair and received a girl instead

Not what I expected when the description said Swedish maid

Today its finally Europeans time to celebrate!

Happy 9/11 guys!

Did you hear about the European country ruled by small guitars?

I think it’s called Uke-reign.

(I came up with this I’m so proud of myself)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a fat European knight who works in the porn industry?

Sir Cum France

A European missionary goes to an African tribe...

... and asks the tribeleader if he may stay with them. The leader agrees on one condition: No white child can be born.

However, 9 months later, a woman is discovered with a white child.
The leader summons the missonary to explain himself. The missionary looks out the window and shows the ...

In Half-Life 2, European cities were renamed with numbers - e.g. most events are in City 17; there is also City 69, formerly known as

Nice.

What's the best European city to 69 in?

Nice

Sorry.

My friend went to California last year, he saw 2 people arguing. A European and an American, they were arguing about whether Americans were stupid or not, the European then said "You're proof that Americans are stupid" and the American responded:

I'm not even American, I'm Californian!

It ticks me off whenever A European is confused about not being charged for extra refills when the answer is so simple...

Land of the free.

I told a joke during tech sound setup: "There were two European tourists walking down the street. One was from Budapest."

"There was a Czech one, too."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Arsenal are gutted at the collapse of the European Super League

They were really looking forward to the possibility of finishing as high as 12th place

1980s European leaders Mitterrand, Brezhnev and Thatcher were flying around Europe in a helicopter, trying to recognize cities without seeing them.

Thatcher went first. She stuck her ear out the window and stated: "I can hear Big Ben chime. This is London!"

Next was Mitterrand. He stuck his nose out and stated: "I can smell fresh baguette. This is Paris!"

Last was Brezhnev. He stuck his hand out and yelped: "What... hey! Somebody ...

How Do I Know That Eastern European’s Love Board Games

Because I Have A Czech Mate Who Told Me So.

I just got off the phone with my European friend visiting Buffalo.

He said make it quick he's roaming.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is walking in the street and sees a women with the most beautiful breasts he’s ever seen.

He walks up to her and asks: “If I give you 10’000$, will you let me bite your boob?”
The woman, quite shocked, obviously says no.
The man then asks if he can bite her breast for 100’000$. The woman still says no. The man asks for 1’000’000$, 10’000’000$ and 100’000’000$ but the woman still re...

Some European explorers were traveling through the Amazon rainforest with some natives as guides...

when they started hearing drums in the distance. Puzzled the Europeans inquired, “we hear drums? What does that mean?”

The Natives answered, “When drums stop, very bad.”

Reluctantly the exploration continues. After 5 minutes the drums had started getting louder and the explorers star...

Do europeans have a foot fetish?

No, they have a centimeter fetish..

Trump just banned the import of any European cheese into America

How dairy.

What do you call the European king who became a noodle chef?

Chowlemein

Who is 6’5”, ripped, and loves 17th century European architecture?

Dwayne ‘Baroque’ Johnson

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Hispanic man, a European man, and an Asian man are put on a deserted island

They are told that they will be rescued in 24 hours, provided they have proved their survival skills.
The Hispanic man is in charge of building a shelter, the European man is in charge of finding food, and the Asian man is in charge of finding supplies.
The three men go their separate ways to ...

An international school teacher asks a question: "What's your own opinion on food scarcity in other countries?"

**An African student:** What's food?

**A European student:** What's scarcity?

**An American student:** What are 'other countries'?

**A Chinese student:** What's 'my own opinion'?

How much space will Brexit free up in the European Union?

1 GB

I have an Eastern European friend who fixes my language mistakes...

My personal spell Czech.

The European Union is like a bad boss.

If everything goes well it’s thanks to it but if something goes wrong it’s your fault.

My grandparents are from San Juan, Puerto Rico, but the rest of my family is European.

I guess that makes me Quarter-Rican.

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