On this day, when we Americans storm Area 51, you Europeans should storm the Vatican Archives

We'll take on the aliens, you'll take on the predators.

You’re American before you enter a bathroom, you’re American after you leave the bathroom. But what are you when you are inside the bathroom?

European

The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.

He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”
 

“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”


 "That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.
 ...

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations,

The British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English". In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be d...

My friend says she's never dating a European guy again.

She said "They always either try to leave randomly or just don't Finnish."

If you think it's bad that Europeans drive on the other side of the road....

consider that Australians have to drive upside down...

I've had bad luck with European women

Ginger Vitis -- such bad breath

Anna Phalaxis -- kept fainting

Anne Gina -- broken heart (her brother-in-law Arthur Itis was such a pain)

Di Abetes -- too sugary sweet

Pam Creatis -- made me sick to my stomach

Lauren Gitis -- too quiet

Rose Acea -- A bit ras...

What's the best European city to 69 in?

Nice

What do Riley Reid and a European socialist have in common?

They both like the BBC.

Why did the American student spend his year in European brothels?

To study a broad.

European Heaven and Hell

In European heaven...

- The Italians are the cooks,
- The French are the lovers,
- The Swiss are the bankers,
- The Germans are the mechanics, and
- The British are the cops.

In European hell...

- The Swiss are the lovers,
- The British are the cooks,
- The Ger...

What's the biggest difference between Americans and Europeans?

Americans think 100 years is a long time.

Europeans think 100km is a long distance.

Did all Europeans give Native Americans smallpox on purpose?

Or is that a blanket statement?

I’ve been asked if I want to go for a weekend away to a Central European country by a guy at work.

Hungary?

No, Dave the cleaner. Gary is married.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An American woman is about to have sex with a European man

She pulls down his pants and sees that his penis is uncircumcised.

"Ew! You're not circumcised?" She asks.

"Well, no." He replies. "That's not common where I'm from."

The woman sighs and decides to just go with it. She begins taking off all of her clothes until she's completely ...

Two European frogs discuss their ancestry

"So, are you a complete french frog?"

"No. I'm a tad-pole."

The European Space Agency (ESA) recruits one Dutch, one French and one Turkish astronaut for a space mission

As the mission should last 10 years, they ask the astronauts what they want to bring with them in space.

The Dutch says: "I would like to master a new language, can I bring a Spanish teacher?". ESA recruits the best Spanish teacher trains them and sends them to the space with the others.
<...

A time-traveler arrives in the middle of a medieval european war...

Clueless about his whereabouts and the year he’s in, he follows a few soldiers in the middle of a siege to ask them.

“Do you know where we are?” the time-traveler asked.

“We’re in Cambrai !” One of them replied

“And do you know what year it is ?”

“ 1339, why do you ask ?”...

From what I've learnt during my education about European countries, Switzerland seems like a great place

The best part about it is its flag. It's a big plus

At a European airport I saw a guy with a really long and very thin suitcase.......

I went up to him and asked: “Tell me, are you a Pole Vaulter?”
He replied: “Nein, I am German but how did you know my name was Walter?”

What do you call a European Bigfoot

Bigmeter

What did the NTSC player say to his European friend?

Hello pal!

what is the difference between American and European joke candidates

American joke candidates actually get elected.

A young man walks into a bar. An Eastern-European man is bartending.

The young man sits down next to another customer and orders at the bar.

“Sir, can I have a Bloody Mary?,” he asks.

“Sure,” says the bartender in a thick accent.

15 seconds later, the bartender sets down the man’s drink. The man notices it’s missing the lemon.

“This guy ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An American, a European, and an Asian go to hell.

An american, a European, and an Asian go to hell. They meet the devil and he says ¨You will forever be in hell, but, if the three of your penises combined measure 50 cm or more, you shall receive one more chance, and return to Earth.

They agree, and they measure their penises.

American...

So I was in a hostel playing chess with a European guy when an Aussie comes up and says...

"There's no way you'll win."

"Why?"

"Because he's Czech, mate."

Why do Europeans hate baseball?

Because it's three reichs and you're out.

Based on a True Story: A breeding pair of crocodiles ate two European tourists in Australia

This actually happened back when I was a kid in the 90's: A French photographer and his friend from Czechoslovakia got too close to a nesting site and were attacked and consumed by a pair of crocodiles in Australia. The female ate the Frenchman.

The Czech was in the male.

European heaven and hell

European heaven is where:

All the soldiers are British,
All the wine is French,
All the cars are German,
All the lovers are Italian,
The weather is Greek,
And everything is organized by the Swiss

European hell is where:

All the soldiers are French,
All the wine...

I broke up with my European girlfriend because we weren’t on the same page.

I’m 8 1/2 x 11. She’s A4.

It just didn’t feel right. We didn’t fit together.

Art thieves pillaged a museum of European 17th and 18th century artwork. They smashed windows, stole paintings, destroyed exhibits, and even did a number on the light fixtures. Everything about the place is a mere ruin of what it was yesterday.

It's all baroque now.

How many European Parliament representatives does it take to change a lightbulb?

Trick question. You have to have a brain to change a lightbulb.

Three European contrabass players were denied access to USA at a New York airport...

...they couldn't let contraband trough customs.

A cop arrested a European robot, but eventually let it go.

He couldn't charge it with anything.

Hundreds of years ago, there was a European salt trader who was stranded in Africa

\[A more politically correct re-write of an earlier joke this week\]



Hundreds of years ago, there was a European salt trader who went all over the world on his caravan selling his wares. One year as he was traveling through Africa, he was betrayed by his caravan and left for dead. Tha...

Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, is taking a stroll down his local high street. As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye. "Just Released - New LP - Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now"

Unable to resist the temptation, Brian goes into the shop. "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."

"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like t...

Europeans revere the art of cheesemaking.

But Swiss cheese is holy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Trump wants to paint the Whitehouse. He asks for a quote from a Chinese guy, a European, and a Turk.

The Chinese guy says he can do it for 3 million dollars, the European says he can do it for 7 million, and the Turk says he can do it for 10 million.

Trump asks the Chinese man why it would cost 3 million and he responds "one for paint, one for my workers, and one for my profit".

Tru...

Apparently 1 out of every 10 Europeans were conceived on an IKEA bed...

Which is crazy when you consider how well lit those places are.

An European court banned parents from naming their kid Nutella.

They stopped a stupid name before it could spread.

How do Europeans smile?

They don’t. They skilometre.

Europeans did promise land and peace for the natives. They didn't get what they wanted but what can you expect?

They were just white lies after all.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I‘m European and have a quick question since I‘m about to leave for vacation in the USA. My phonecharger won‘t fit into a wall outlet there.

Do I need an adapter for my buttplugs too?

An American guy is talking with European in some bar in USA.

The American guy is saying: "I heard you have now some problems with immigrants in Europe."

An American Indian bends from the next table and says: "Pay attention to that, we heavily underestimated that once"

Vladimir Putin Travels to an Eastern European Country

He walks up to the customs agent and the agent asks, “Name?”

“Vladimir Putin”

“Country of Origin?”

“Russia”

“Occupation?”

“No, no. Just visiting.”

My friend just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to vacuum the house.

Turns out she was a Slovak.

None of my European electronics worked properly in the US, until I prayed to God.

Turns out they just needed a higher power.

TIFU by getting into the wrong car after the European Auto Show.

whoops, wrong Saab

I have an Eastern European friend who fixes my language mistakes...

My personal spell Czech.

Why did the European arrive early?

Because he was Russian.



I'll show myself out...

How do you test if two Central Europeans can hear you?

Czech 1, Chez 2

Where do Europeans go for slurpies?

11/7

Which former European state exported mainly napkins?

The Serviette Union

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ion leaves his small eastern European village and becomes 'John' - a business man. After some time of great success he returns to his village and offers each villager $100

Ion leaves his small eastern European village and becomes 'John' - a business man. After some time of great success he returns to his village and offers each villager $100. Everyone is happy and they all praise John for being a great guy. Next year he dos the same, all villagers happy again. The thi...

Why are European cars the lightest?

because there's no Americans sitting in them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Franz was reading his book on death row...

It was the ‘storm of the century’. On death row, Franz was reading his religious texts, looking for God, even as the inmates of the neighbouring cells were having an explosive argument about who should get to shower first. ’14 days to execution’, Franz thought, as he physically and mentally trembled...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A European pornstar was filming, after 3 minutes of recording they were done, the lady turned around and said ‘is that all?’

He said sorry but I’m Finnish

European monarchs are a lot like beef Wellington.

They're in bread.

What do you call a low rank crusader (or European idc)?

A euroPEON



Kill me pls

TIL Santa Claus is European..

North Polish to be exact

Best Women in Europe

An Englishman, A Frenchman and a Russian are debating who has the best women.

The Englishman says, "English women are the best. When they sit on a horse their feet can touch the ground. It's not because our horses are short, but because English women have the longest legs in all of Europe!"...

Donald Trump is looking to paint the White House

Donald Trump is looking to paint the White House. He asks Chinese contractors how much they would charge. They say 3 million. He asks European contractors how much they would charge. They say 7 million. He asks Ecuadorian contractors how much they would charge. They say 10 million.


Trum...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do central European sex traffickers tell their clients?

The Czech's in the mail.

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