The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.

He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”

“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”

"That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.

He li...

A triumph of the European Commission

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and...

Based on a True Story: A breeding pair of crocodiles ate two European tourists in Australia

This actually happened back when I was a kid in the 90's: A French photographer and his friend from Czechoslovakia got too close to a nesting site and were attacked and consumed by a pair of crocodiles in Australia. The female ate the Frenchman.

The Czech was in the male.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

3 europeans come to America. They all get captured by native americans and they want to kill them.

But the europeans beg to have their lives spared. The native americans agreed to not kill them on one condition: the europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit and they will be informed what to do with it. So the first guy comes back with a peach. The native american says "Shove it up ...

European heaven and hell

European heaven is where:

All the soldiers are British,
All the wine is French,
All the cars are German,
All the lovers are Italian,
The weather is Greek,
And everything is organized by the Swiss

European hell is where:

All the soldiers are French,
All the wine...

How many European Parliament representatives does it take to change a lightbulb?

Trick question. You have to have a brain to change a lightbulb.

I broke up with my European girlfriend because we weren’t on the same page.

I’m 8 1/2 x 11. She’s A4.

It just didn’t feel right. We didn’t fit together.

Art thieves pillaged a museum of European 17th and 18th century artwork. They smashed windows, stole paintings, destroyed exhibits, and even did a number on the light fixtures. Everything about the place is a mere ruin of what it was yesterday.

It's all baroque now.

It's been said that Greece's greatest contributions to European society were the inventions of democracy and sodomy.

France is then generally given credit for slightly improving both of these ideas, by discovering that you could also involve women.

I asked my European boss if he had read Farenheit 451.

He told me he only made it to page 232...

A cop arrested a European robot, but eventually let it go.

He couldn't charge it with anything.

How do Europeans smile?

They don’t. They skilometre.

What famous European city is in the middle of Czechoslovakia?

Oslo

Europeans revere the art of cheesemaking.

But Swiss cheese is holy.

Europeans did promise land and peace for the natives. They didn't get what they wanted but what can you expect?

They were just white lies after all.

Hundreds of years ago, there was a European salt trader who was stranded in Africa

\[A more politically correct re-write of an earlier joke this week\]

​

Hundreds of years ago, there was a European salt trader who went all over the world on his caravan selling his wares. One year as he was traveling through Africa, he was betrayed by his caravan and left f...

Apparently 1 out of every 10 Europeans were conceived on an IKEA bed...

Which is crazy when you consider how well lit those places are.

An European court banned parents from naming their kid Nutella.

They stopped a stupid name before it could spread.

What happens if a European chameleon turns blue?

It's arrested for violating EU regulations

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Trump wants to paint the Whitehouse. He asks for a quote from a Chinese guy, a European, and a Turk.

The Chinese guy says he can do it for 3 million dollars, the European says he can do it for 7 million, and the Turk says he can do it for 10 million.

Trump asks the Chinese man why it would cost 3 million and he responds "one for paint, one for my workers, and one for my profit".

Tru...

An American guy is talking with European in some bar in USA.

The American guy is saying: "I heard you have now some problems with immigrants in Europe."

An American Indian bends from the next table and says: "Pay attention to that, we heavily underestimated that once"

TIFU by getting into the wrong car after the European Auto Show.

whoops, wrong Saab

Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, is taking a stroll down his local high street. As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye. "Just Released - New LP - Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now"

Unable to resist the temptation, Brian goes into the shop. "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."

"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like t...

My friend just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to vacuum the house.

Turns out she was a Slovak.

I was amazed to find out that Europeans use whiteboards the same way as Americans...

They just pick up the marker, Denmark on it.

Vladimir Putin Travels to an Eastern European Country

He walks up to the customs agent and the agent asks, “Name?”

“Vladimir Putin”

“Country of Origin?”

“Russia”

“Occupation?”

“No, no. Just visiting.”

I have an Eastern European friend who fixes my language mistakes...

My personal spell Czech.

How do you test if two Central Europeans can hear you?

Czech 1, Chez 2

The small European country of Germania

Few people know the rich history of the small European country of Germania. It was an all-male country, and females were barred entry. Any female found within its borders would be sentenced to prison for life. The men reproduced outside the country, and were only allowed to bring their male offsprin...

Which former European state exported mainly napkins?

The Serviette Union

Where do Europeans go for slurpies?

11/7

None of my European electronics worked properly in the US, until I prayed to God.

Turns out they just needed a higher power.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A European pornstar was filming, after 3 minutes of recording they were done, the lady turned around and said ‘is that all?’

He said sorry but I’m Finnish

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Ion leaves his small eastern European village and becomes 'John' - a business man. After some time of great success he returns to his village and offers each villager $100

Ion leaves his small eastern European village and becomes 'John' - a business man. After some time of great success he returns to his village and offers each villager $100. Everyone is happy and they all praise John for being a great guy. Next year he dos the same, all villagers happy again. The thi...

What do you call a low rank crusader (or European idc)?

A euroPEON



Kill me pls

European monarchs are a lot like beef Wellington.

They're in bread.

TIL Santa Claus is European..

North Polish to be exact

I was talking to a russian the other day and he said that russia is the largest european nation...

I said, sorry man, eurasian.

Why are European cars the lightest?

because there's no Americans sitting in them.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do central European sex traffickers tell their clients?

The Czech's in the mail.

What’s a European cat’s favorite breakfast?

Mews-li.

A guy beat his eastern european friend at chess.

He got a czech-mate

I married a European chess master.

He's my Czech mate.

What is a European dragon’s favorite food?

Swiss charred.

The European Vacation

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe, as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late, and raining very hard. Bob could barely see 20 feet in front of the car.

Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob at...

Best Women in Europe

An Englishman, A Frenchman and a Russian are debating who has the best women.

The Englishman says, "English women are the best. When they sit on a horse their feet can touch the ground. It's not because our horses are short, but because English women have the longest legs in all of Europe!"...

Why did the eastern European man crash on his way to work?

He was Russian

I met this european guy last night who claimed he was a well endowed white supremacist

Well, he said he was a hung aryan

Europeans use too many gyros for the slaughter of animals. Let's alert PITA.

That was a terrible pun. I falafel.

I really like European food...

...so I decided to Russia over to a European restaurant because I was Hungary. After Czech'ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter 'Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite'.

What did the US say to the EU?

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Why do Europeans never win the most gold in water sports?

All their best divers are playing football.

There was an Arabian, African, European, and an American sitting together at a table...

A guy comes up to them and asks: What is your opinion on lack of food for the poor in the rest of the world?

The Arabian says: What is an opinion?
The African says: What is food?
The European says: What is poor?
The American says: What is the rest of the world?

What's it called when you beat your eastern European friend at strategy board games.

Czech Mate

A European missionary goes to an African tribe...

... and asks the tribeleader if he may stay with them. The leader agrees on one condition: No white child can be born.

However, 9 months later, a woman is discovered with a white child.
The leader summons the missonary to explain himself. The missionary looks out the window and shows the ...

When you go into the restroom you are Russian. When you come out of the restroom you are Finnish. So what are you inside the restroom?

European.

What's a prerequisite to joining the European Union?

You're a nation

As a German I have concerns about the European soccer championship...

Last time it didn't end well when we sent a couple boys to France to defeat all of Europe.

My friends are baffled that I gave up the single life for my European wife and wonder why I don't chase girls anymore.

It's because she keeps me in Czech.

Do all Europeans countries drive on the right?

No, the Brits left.