If America is storming Area 51 then the Europeans can storm the Vatican

We'll take the aliens, you get the predators

Which European country did Fiona and Shrek go to for their honeymoon?

The Shrek Republic.

English to become the official European language

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. 

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement an...

Fun Fact: The Mortal Kombat theme was actually inspired by an old European song of praise.

It was a Finnish hymn.

Made an Eastern European friend on a chess forum.

He was my Czech mate.

The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.

He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”

“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”

"That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.

He list...

Eastern European Charade

I am stuck between Russia and Poland.

I am getting hit very violently.

Yellow is one of my two colors.

What am I ?

.

.

.

.

.

.

**A tennis ball in Dubai Semi Final**

.

Last night, I, an American, was arguing with a European over whether Europe or the United States was better.

The European boasted, "We hardly even have racism here in Europe!" I asked them, "What about Romani people? Does the racism they experience not count?"

They replied, "Of course not! Romanis aren't people!"

The European Union is proposing to build a public toilet in Brussels.

They put the job out to tender. They get in 3 responses.


First in is Hans from Germany. He gets straight to the point. "I'll build it for €30,000."
The Eurocrat behind the desk looks up from his note pad. "Can you give us some more detail, Hans?"
"Ja! €10,000 labour, €10,000 m...

I'm a European frog; mostly French, a bit German, and...

...a tad Pole.

A European is visiting USA

and an American says "hey, your foot... "

European cuts him midway "oh you Americans and your lack of knowledge of the units whole world uses. It's not foot, it's meter"

American says "your meter is bleeding"

23andme is a fake, rip-off scam website.

The results of my ancestry came back 85% German and 10% Bavarian/Eastern European, but I know *FOR A FACT* that my grandparents came to the USA from **Argentina!**

As an eastern European living in a western country, dealing with bureaucrats always brings me to tears

Their rudeness and arrogance make reminds me of my homeland, it makes me so nostalgic.

What do you call a person who's an expert in American culture and politics?

A European Redditor.

What do you call a half European shark?

Fin-ish

The difference between a 21 year-old American and European

An American on their 21st birthday: Wow! I can finally drink!

A European on their 21st birthday: Wo-w-wow! I really ought to cut back on my drinking!

A European tells an American a joke

European: Wanna hear a joke?

American: Sure.

European: Free Healthcare

American: I don't get it

European: I know.

What joke is the same in all european languages?

USA

You know the difference between Americans and Europeans? .

Europeans think 100 miles is a long distance.

Americans think 100 years is a long time.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An American, European and Israeli get captured by ISIS.

The captors decide after some discussion that they will behead all 3. The captors ask each of the people what they would like before being executed. The American is asking for a hamburger, the European asked for red wine and the Israeli asked to be kicked in the butt.

All three received what...

My friend who works as a beautician wants to learn Eastern European languages

It sounds challenging, but I know she's going to nail Polish.

Why are Americans so stupid?

Because they shoot all the ones who go to school

EDIT: I love jokes and comedic freedom... but I AM SO SORRY ABOUT THIS ONE LOL

EDIT 2: Thanks for letting me share the pain of this one with you, internet. And I’m not European (where are ppl getting this lol), I am also 🇺🇸

10% of European babies are conceived on an IKEA bed.

So, be sure to follow the instructions.

Put Peg A into Slot B, and then screw until the nuts tighten.

I'm developing a gun that shoots east european stew.

I call it the Goulashnikov.

My terrible joke

I met a Northern European guy at my local running race. I said to him I doubt you'll even Finnish

In today’s European Championship soccer match, several players from the Czech Republic were seen slipping on the grass repeatedly in their loss to Denmark, while their Danish opponents didn’t seem to have an issue at all.

Must be an issue with Czechs and balances.

You are european when going to the bathroom and european when you leave the bathroom. What are you whilst in the bathroom?

You're peeing

What is a Karen called in Europe

An American

You don’t find many European people with a fetish for feet

They’re more in to meters

Which European political leader likes to write at sea?

Marine Le Pen

How do you commit a hate crime against a European?

Make their food spicy

After losing at the European Championships to The Czechs, Dutch fans were said to be blazing

Meaning twenty minutes later they were a lot calmer and just craving chips.

How do Europeans smile?

Skilometer

I wanted to solve world hunger...

So I wiped out a small European nation. Thanks to my actions, there are now no more Hungary people left in the world.

What is an Eastern European’s favorite food?

Coleslav

Two very old men of unimportant european nationality meet

While talking, one asks: "You watching the football game?" (Soccer for our American friends)

The other says: "Who's playing?"

"Austria-Hungary", says the first.

"Against whom?"

European heaven/ European hell

European heaven is a place where the chefs are spanish, the police is british, the mechanics are germans, the lovers are italians and everything is organized by the swiss.

European hell is a place where the chefs are british, the police is german, the mechanics are spanish, the lovers are sw...

What did the girl say to the hot European?

Czech him out!

Today its finally Europeans time to celebrate!

Happy 9/11 guys!

Why do European submarines have barcodes?

So when they get to port they can Scandinavian.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the difference between a vibrator and the 12 European Super League club owners?

The European Super League owners are real dicks.

Restroom travels...

If when going to the restroom you are Russian, and when leaving are Finnish, what are you when using it?

European!!

1980s European leaders Mitterrand, Brezhnev and Thatcher were flying around Europe in a helicopter, trying to recognize cities without seeing them.

Thatcher went first. She stuck her ear out the window and stated: "I can hear Big Ben chime. This is London!"

Next was Mitterrand. He stuck his nose out and stated: "I can smell fresh baguette. This is Paris!"

Last was Brezhnev. He stuck his hand out and yelped: "What... hey! Somebody ...

How Do I Know That Eastern European’s Love Board Games

Because I Have A Czech Mate Who Told Me So.

I just got off the phone with my European friend visiting Buffalo.

He said make it quick he's roaming.

What side of the earth were Europeans best at exploring?

Genocide

An Asian, an American, and a European walk into a bar.

They sit down at the table, and decide to hit up some drinks.



American: I'll have a Coke! I don't want to get drunk.



European: I'll have a watery rum! I'll stay up for the drive.



Asian: I'll have 3 bottles beer, and a side of whiskey!




T...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a fat European knight who works in the porn industry?

Sir Cum France

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Arsenal are gutted at the collapse of the European Super League

They were really looking forward to the possibility of finishing as high as 12th place

The world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds they make is walking down the street.

He passes a record store that's advertising a sale. The sign says "45 RPM Vinyl First Editions, European Wasps and The Sounds They Make." Naturally, he's intrigued. So he stops on in and says to the record man, "excuse me, but I am the worlds leading expert on European Wasps and the sounds they make...

When you really have to go to the bathroom, you become Scandinavian

First you're Russian there, then European, and then you're Finnish.

All of my European friends tell me I have a foot fetish.

I tell them, I’ll never understand the metric system.

Did you hear about the European country ruled by small guitars?

I think it’s called Uke-reign.


(I came up with this I’m so proud of myself)

A building inspector for an old European town found that all buildings built between 1584 and 1750 had significant structural flaws.

Otherwise, if it ain't Baroque, don't fix it.

A Frenchman, a Dutchman and a German walk into a bar...

Normally there also would've been a Belgian, an Englishman and an Italian, but they couldn't come since they're still at the European Championship.

You walk into a restroom American, you walk back out of the restroom American, but while you're in the restroom...

European

Ordered a European cabinet from Wayfair and received a girl instead

Not what I expected when the description said Swedish maid

What does a European person say when they see something nasty?

EU.

My friend went to California last year, he saw 2 people arguing. A European and an American, they were arguing about whether Americans were stupid or not, the European then said "You're proof that Americans are stupid" and the American responded:

I'm not even American, I'm Californian!

Do europeans have a foot fetish?

No, they have a centimeter fetish..

In Half-Life 2, European cities were renamed with numbers - e.g. most events are in City 17; there is also City 69, formerly known as

Nice.

An Asian, an European and an American is stranded on an island after surviving a sinking ship accident.

They now want to start a new society, at least until they're rescued.

The American decides to be the minister of building and construction and the European takes the position as the minister of food and cooking.

Left over, the Asian is now pretty disappointed that they can't find any m...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is walking in the street and sees a women with the most beautiful breasts he’s ever seen.

He walks up to her and asks: “If I give you 10’000$, will you let me bite your boob?”
The woman, quite shocked, obviously says no.
The man then asks if he can bite her breast for 100’000$. The woman still says no. The man asks for 1’000’000$, 10’000’000$ and 100’000’000$ but the woman still re...

I traveled to London this year to take part in Europe's largest chess tournament and was destroyed in the first round by this European guy with an odd accent. I waited until the end of the game to ask him about where he was from and what kind of accent he had...

He responded: "Czech, mate!"

Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, is taking a stroll down his local high street. As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye. "Just Released - New LP - Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now"

Unable to resist the temptation, Brian goes into the shop. "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."

"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like t...

The Native Americans were surprised to be colonised by Europeans

No one expects the Spanish Acquisition

What did the American say to the German urinating in public?

European illegally!

It ticks me off whenever A European is confused about not being charged for extra refills when the answer is so simple...

Land of the free.

None of my European electronics worked properly in the US, until I prayed to God.

Turns out they just needed a higher power.

How can you tell the God of thunder is European?

He still has his thorskin

Around 1900, in a school in Austria

The 11-12 year olds were quizzed on European capitals. Teacher asks boy:

What is the capital of Germany? "Berlin!"

What is the capital of France? "Berlin!"

What is the capital of Great Britain? "Berlin!"

Teacher: No son, you failed and were wrong on 2 out of the 3, what ...

Some European explorers were traveling through the Amazon rainforest with some natives as guides...

when they started hearing drums in the distance. Puzzled the Europeans inquired, “we hear drums? What does that mean?”

The Natives answered, “When drums stop, very bad.”

Reluctantly the exploration continues. After 5 minutes the drums had started getting louder and the explorers star...

Why are European cars the lightest?

because there's no Americans sitting in them.

Who is 6’5”, ripped, and loves 17th century European architecture?

Dwayne ‘Baroque’ Johnson

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Trump wants to paint the Whitehouse. He asks for a quote from a Chinese guy, a European, and a Turk.

The Chinese guy says he can do it for 3 million dollars, the European says he can do it for 7 million, and the Turk says he can do it for 10 million.

Trump asks the Chinese man why it would cost 3 million and he responds "one for paint, one for my workers, and one for my profit".

Tru...

How much space will Brexit free up in the European Union?

1 GB

Why do Northern Europeans never get stuff done late

They’re already Finished

What's the best European city to 69 in?

Nice

Sorry.

Trump just banned the import of any European cheese into America

How dairy.

I told a joke during tech sound setup: "There were two European tourists walking down the street. One was from Budapest."

"There was a Czech one, too."

How do Europeans charge their phones?

With EUB cables

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to Hoover the house.

Turns out she was a Slovak.

Art thieves pillaged a museum of European 17th and 18th century artwork. They smashed windows, stole paintings, destroyed exhibits, and even did a number on the light fixtures. Everything about the place is a mere ruin of what it was yesterday.

It's all baroque now.

When you really have to pee, your Russian to the bathroom, when you walk out, you're Finnish, so what are you while you're inside?

European!

This was one of my dad's jokes

I met this european guy last night who claimed he was a well endowed white supremacist

Well, he said he was a hung aryan

My grandparents are from San Juan, Puerto Rico, but the rest of my family is European.

I guess that makes me Quarter-Rican.

Europeans have been testing aircraft engines against bird strikes for a long while, using a cannon which launched (deceased, obviously) chickens at the aeroplane.

Eventually, the Americans decided they needed to test their engines tbe same way. So they brought a device over and started testing. No matter how resilient they made the engines, they always failed. After months of testing, they gave up and sent for a European engineer to advise on what wad wrong.<...

I have an Eastern European friend who fixes my language mistakes...

My personal spell Czech.

I broke up with my European girlfriend because we weren’t on the same page.

I’m 8 1/2 x 11. She’s A4.

It just didn’t feel right. We didn’t fit together.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An American woman is about to have sex with a European man

She pulls down his pants and sees that his penis is uncircumcised.

"Ew! You're not circumcised?" She asks.

"Well, no." He replies. "That's not common where I'm from."

The woman sighs and decides to just go with it. She begins taking off all of her clothes until she's completely ...

In 2002 Justin Timberlake made a hit song about Eastern European waterways.

It specifically talks about a river in Crimea.

(edit: I originally got my Justins mixed up, thanks for the comments :) )

My friend says she's never dating a European guy again.

She said "They always either try to leave randomly or just don't Finnish."

The European Union is like a bad boss.

If everything goes well it’s thanks to it but if something goes wrong it’s your fault.

Remember when the UK was part of the European Union?

I remember it like it was yesterday

Two European frogs discuss their ancestry

"So, are you a complete french frog?"

"No. I'm a tad-pole."

A cop arrested a European robot, but eventually let it go.

He couldn't charge it with anything.

What did the NTSC player say to his European friend?

Hello pal!

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