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Why are European cars the lightest?

because there's no Americans sitting in them.

European Heaven & Hell

Heaven: The British are the police, the French are chefs, the Germans are the mechanics, the Swiss are the administrators, and the Italians are the lovers.


Hell: The Germans are the police, the British are the chefs, the French are the mechanics, the Italians are the administrators, and...

10% of European babies are conceived on an IKEA bed.

So, be sure to follow the instructions.

Put Peg A into Slot B, and then screw until the nuts tighten.

Eastern European Charade

I am stuck between Russia and Poland.

I am getting hit very violently.

Yellow is one of my two colors.

What am I ?

.

.

.

.

.

.

**A tennis ball in Dubai Semi Final**

.

The difference between a 21 year-old American and European

An American on their 21st birthday: Wow! I can finally drink!

A European on their 21st birthday: Wo-w-wow! I really ought to cut back on my drinking!

Why does Germany have the biggest population in the European Union?

Because they are GerMANY.

This joke may contain profanity. šŸ¤”

Putin and Biden are wrapping up their discussion...

Putin says: "You know, Joe. I had this dream few days ago"

Biden: "Oh, what kind of dream?"

Putin: "I saw America, in flames. Nuclear warhead crater where Capitol used to be. New York leveled. Los Angeles covered in human ash. It was Glorious, Joe. I nearly teared up..."

Biden: ...

How do you anger a European?

It isnā€™t a colony if somebody already lives there.

A European tells an American a joke

European: Wanna hear a joke?

American: Sure.

European: Free Healthcare

American: I don't get it

European: I know.

A German in a Bar

A German walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender tells him : "20 euros!"

The German is shocked - "20 euros? yesterday it was only 3 euros !"

"Well, today it is 20 euros."

\- "But why 20, damn it?"

Bar tender : "I'll explain it,

\-3 euros is beer,...

English to become the official European language

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.Ā 

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement an...

If America is storming Area 51 then the Europeans can storm the Vatican

Weā€™ll take the aliens, you get the predators

What did the girl say to the hot European?

Czech him out!

What do you call an European city filled with rodents?

Hamsterdam

The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.

He asks the assistant ā€œDo you have ā€˜European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.ā€

ā€œCertainly,ā€ replies the assistant. ā€œWould you like to listen before you buy it?ā€

"That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.

He li...

100 is a nice round number

The European is visiting the United States for the first time: So how many cents in a dollar?

The American: 100, of course

The European: 100? Why not 62, or 37?

The American: 62? What are you talking about? It's 100. Of course, it is. It's a nice round number and easy to calcula...

None of my European electronics worked properly in the US, until I prayed to God.

Turns out they just needed a higher power.

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to Hoover the house.

Turns out she was a Slovak.

What do you call a person who's an expert in American culture and politics?

A European Redditor.

What do Europeans facing high gas prices and Russian men have in common?

They both fear a draft

The European Union is proposing to build a public toilet in Brussels.

They put the job out to tender. They get in 3 responses.


First in is Hans from Germany. He gets straight to the point. "I'll build it for ā‚¬30,000."
The Eurocrat behind the desk looks up from his note pad. "Can you give us some more detail, Hans?"
"Ja! ā‚¬10,000 labour, ā‚¬10,000 m...

You know the difference between Americans and Europeans? .

Europeans think 100 miles is a long distance.

Americans think 100 years is a long time.

An Asian, an American, and a European walk into a bar.

They sit down at the table, and decide to hit up some drinks.



American: I'll have a Coke! I don't want to get drunk.



European: I'll have a watery rum! I'll stay up for the drive.



Asian: I'll have 3 bottles beer, and a side of whiskey!




T...

The US president asked for estimates from contractors from different countries to paint the White House.

The US president asked for estimates from contractors from different countries to paint the White House.

The Chinese contractor estimates three million dollars.

And the European contractor said the cost was seven million dollars

And then the Pakistani contractor made an estima...

A few weeks ago I ordered my favorite Eastern European mail order bride!

Still waiting. My Czech is still in the mail.

I married a European chess master.

He's my Czech mate.

I recently got an Eastern European maid to help clean around the house

I gave her the vacuum and she said sheā€™d start right away. When I came back from work, she was still vacuuming, 8 hours later.

She was a Slovac.

I'm a European frog; mostly French, a bit German, and...

...a tad Pole.

I'm developing a gun that shoots east european stew.

I call it the Goulashnikov.

Northern europeans are good with car production

Because only with them is a car truly finnished

This joke may contain profanity. šŸ¤”

An American, European and Israeli get captured by ISIS.

The captors decide after some discussion that they will behead all 3. The captors ask each of the people what they would like before being executed. The American is asking for a hamburger, the European asked for red wine and the Israeli asked to be kicked in the butt.

All three received what...

There's zero difference between US and European Healthcare....

...well, lots of zeroes...usually added to the end of the bill.

Where do potty-mouthed Eastern Europeans come from?

Vulgaria

I asked out this European Girl I know.

But she said she'd rather just be friends, so now I'm stuck in the PAL Region.

In which European country it hurts more to be hit?

The Netherlands

What European city has the most insects?

Antwerp!

A European is visiting USA

and an American says "hey, your foot... "

European cuts him midway "oh you Americans and your lack of knowledge of the units whole world uses. It's not foot, it's meter"

American says "your meter is bleeding"

How do you commit a hate crime against a European?

Make their food spicy

You are european when going to the bathroom and european when you leave the bathroom. What are you whilst in the bathroom?

You're peeing

What joke is the same in all european languages?

USA

Why are Americans so stupid?

Because they shoot all the ones who go to school

EDIT: I love jokes and comedic freedom... but I AM SO SORRY ABOUT THIS ONE LOL

EDIT 2: Thanks for letting me share the pain of this one with you, internet. And Iā€™m not European (where are ppl getting this lol), I am also šŸ‡ŗšŸ‡ø

Elon Musk and some European guy sat next to eachother on a plane.

Being bored, Musk turned to the European and said; "Lets play a game. You ask me a question, if I dont know the answer, I pay you 500 dollars. Then I ask you a question, if you dont know the answer, you pay me 5 dollars." The European, thinking for a second, said; "sure, but you ask the first questi...

How can you tell if a Redditor is European?

Don't worry, he'll tell you

This joke may contain profanity. šŸ¤”

Using a bike pump on a truck tire is like an old European prostituteā€¦

Itā€™s 10 pumps a pound.

Apparently scientists are now investigating an anomaly in the European date system

They're working on it 24/7

What do European Nationalists say when they see something disgusting?

ā€œEUā€.

What do you call a half European shark?

Fin-ish

Two very old men of unimportant european nationality meet

While talking, one asks: "You watching the football game?" (Soccer for our American friends)

The other says: "Who's playing?"

"Austria-Hungary", says the first.

"Against whom?"

Which European country did Fiona and Shrek go to for their honeymoon?

The Shrek Republic.

Fun Fact: The Mortal Kombat theme was actually inspired by an old European song of praise.

It was a Finnish hymn.

An international school teacher asks a question: "What's your own opinion on food scarcity in other countries?"

**An African student:** What's food?

**A European student:** What's scarcity?

**An American student:** What are 'other countries'?

**A Chinese student:** What's 'my own opinion'?

To all the Europeans suffering from the current heat wave, here is a reminder to stay strong.

Your ancestors colonized entire countries in much higher temperatures.

My friend who works as a beautician wants to learn Eastern European languages

It sounds challenging, but I know she's going to nail Polish.

What is an Eastern Europeanā€™s favorite food?

Coleslav

What side of the earth were Europeans best at exploring?

Genocide

Which European political leader likes to write at sea?

Marine Le Pen

A European missionary goes to an African tribe...

... and asks the tribeleader if he may stay with them. The leader agrees on one condition: No white child can be born.

However, 9 months later, a woman is discovered with a white child.
The leader summons the missonary to explain himself. The missionary looks out the window and shows the ...

Last night, I, an American, was arguing with a European over whether Europe or the United States was better.

The European boasted, "We hardly even have racism here in Europe!" I asked them, "What about Romani people? Does the racism they experience not count?"

They replied, "Of course not! Romanis aren't people!"

What's the best European city to 69 in?

Nice

Sorry.

The European Vacation

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe, as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late, and raining very hard. Bob could barely see 20 feet in front of the car.

Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob at...

I met this european guy last night who claimed he was a well endowed white supremacist

Well, he said he was a hung aryan

Ordered a European cabinet from Wayfair and received a girl instead

Not what I expected when the description said Swedish maid

Today its finally Europeans time to celebrate!

Happy 9/11 guys!

Do europeans have a foot fetish?

No, they have a centimeter fetish..

Did you hear about the European country ruled by small guitars?

I think itā€™s called Uke-reign.


(I came up with this Iā€™m so proud of myself)

The European conference

Centuries ago, a conference took place in Europe. The issue was finding a solution to flood control in The Netherlands. Now, the English delegate was a blatant racist against the Dutch, and couldn't care less about their lives. Each of the delegates from all around Europe were asked for their ideas,...

This joke may contain profanity. šŸ¤”

At an international gynecologist's convention...

Two American Doctors and a European Doctor were having drinks and talking about work. After a few too many they started telling stories.

The first American decides to talk about the strangest patients he had had. "This woman's vulva was like an apple!" He explained.

The second America...

Did you know you can't tell Europeans to smile?

You can only tell them to Skilometer.

TIL Santa Claus is European..

North Polish to be exact

As an eastern European living in a western country, dealing with bureaucrats always brings me to tears

Their rudeness and arrogance make reminds me of my homeland, it makes me so nostalgic.

All of my European friends tell me I have a foot fetish.

I tell them, Iā€™ll never understand the metric system.

How do Europeans charge their phones?

With EUB cables

This joke may contain profanity. šŸ¤”

Arsenal are gutted at the collapse of the European Super League

They were really looking forward to the possibility of finishing as high as 12th place

The world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds they make is walking down the street.

He passes a record store that's advertising a sale. The sign says "45 RPM Vinyl First Editions, European Wasps and The Sounds They Make." Naturally, he's intrigued. So he stops on in and says to the record man, "excuse me, but I am the worlds leading expert on European Wasps and the sounds they make...

Two European frogs discuss their ancestry

"So, are you a complete french frog?"

"No. I'm a tad-pole."

How Do I Know That Eastern Europeanā€™s Love Board Games

Because I Have A Czech Mate Who Told Me So.

What do the European Union and the European Onion have in common?

They both make people cry when they're chopped up.

Europeans announced they were going to increase penalties for driving with excessive speed and being late for work.

Its part of their sanctions package to target people who are Russian.

Four Europeans and a Juggler

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling.

The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"

"Yes."
"Oui....

How can you tell the God of thunder is European?

He still has his thorskin

This joke may contain profanity. šŸ¤”

What do you call a fat European knight who works in the porn industry?

Sir Cum France

The Native Americans were surprised to be colonised by Europeans

No one expects the Spanish Acquisition

I really like European food...

...so I decided to Russia over to a European restaurant because I was Hungary. After Czech'ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter 'Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite'.

I was going to make a joke about Europeans...

But there is Norway I would be able to Finnish it.

I just got off the phone with my European friend visiting Buffalo.

He said make it quick he's roaming.

This joke may contain profanity. šŸ¤”

A man has to go to the bathroom.

He enters and finds the only stall occupied.

He waits around for a few minutes, but the occupant doesn't move. He knocks on the Door and asks "Hey buddy, Sorry but I really gotta go, are you going to be long in there?"

The person inside replies with a thick accent:"What? Sorry no under...

Trump just banned the import of any European cheese into America

How dairy.

This joke may contain profanity. šŸ¤”

What is the difference between a vibrator and the 12 European Super League club owners?

The European Super League owners are real dicks.

Where do Europeans go for slurpies?

11/7

The European Union is like a bad boss.

If everything goes well itā€™s thanks to it but if something goes wrong itā€™s your fault.

I have an Eastern European friend who fixes my language mistakes...

My personal spell Czech.

Europeans revere the art of cheesemaking.

But Swiss cheese is holy.

Is my girlfriend's Name European?

It says "Made in China, 100% Polyesterene, Do not Iron" I think its Swedish, I'm not sure.

Who is 6ā€™5ā€, ripped, and loves 17th century European architecture?

Dwayne ā€˜Baroqueā€™ Johnson

Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, is taking a stroll down his local high street. As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye. "Just Released - New LP - Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now"

Unable to resist the temptation, Brian goes into the shop. "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."

"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like t...

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