UPJOKE
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A German in a Bar

A German walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender tells him : "20 euros!"

The German is shocked - "20 euros? yesterday it was only 3 euros !"

"Well, today it is 20 euros."

\- "But why 20, damn it?"

Bar tender : "I'll explain it,

\-3 euros is beer,...

If America is storming Area 51 then the Europeans can storm the Vatican

We’ll take the aliens, you get the predators

European Heaven & Hell

Heaven: The British are the police, the French are chefs, the Germans are the mechanics, the Swiss are the administrators, and the Italians are the lovers.


Hell: The Germans are the police, the British are the chefs, the French are the mechanics, the Italians are the administrators, and...

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations,the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has acc...

The European Union is proposing to build a public toilet in Brussels.

They put the job out to tender. They get in 3 responses.


First in is Hans from Germany. He gets straight to the point. "I'll build it for €30,000."
The Eurocrat behind the desk looks up from his note pad. "Can you give us some more detail, Hans?"
"Ja! €10,000 labour, €10,000 m...

10% of European babies are conceived on an IKEA bed.

So, be sure to follow the instructions.

Put Peg A into Slot B, and then screw until the nuts tighten.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Putin and Biden are wrapping up their discussion...

Putin says: "You know, Joe. I had this dream few days ago"

Biden: "Oh, what kind of dream?"

Putin: "I saw America, in flames. Nuclear warhead crater where Capitol used to be. New York leveled. Los Angeles covered in human ash. It was Glorious, Joe. I nearly teared up..."

Biden: ...

The difference between a 21 year-old American and European

An American on their 21st birthday: Wow! I can finally drink!

A European on their 21st birthday: Wo-w-wow! I really ought to cut back on my drinking!

There's zero difference between US and European Healthcare....

...well, lots of zeroes...usually added to the end of the bill.

I asked out this European Girl I know.

But she said she'd rather just be friends, so now I'm stuck in the PAL Region.

Elon Musk and some European guy sat next to eachother on a plane.

Being bored, Musk turned to the European and said; "Lets play a game. You ask me a question, if I dont know the answer, I pay you 500 dollars. Then I ask you a question, if you dont know the answer, you pay me 5 dollars." The European, thinking for a second, said; "sure, but you ask the first questi...

How do you anger a European?

It isn’t a colony if somebody already lives there.

To all the Europeans suffering from the current heat wave, here is a reminder to stay strong.

Your ancestors colonized entire countries in much higher temperatures.

Apparently scientists are now investigating an anomaly in the European date system

They're working on it 24/7

Made an Eastern European friend on a chess forum.

He was my Czech mate.

I'm a European frog; mostly French, a bit German, and...

...a tad Pole.

Eastern European Charade

I am stuck between Russia and Poland.

I am getting hit very violently.

Yellow is one of my two colors.

What am I ?

.

.

.

.

.

.

**A tennis ball in Dubai Semi Final**

.

100 is a nice round number

The European is visiting the United States for the first time: So how many cents in a dollar?

The American: 100, of course

The European: 100? Why not 62, or 37?

The American: 62? What are you talking about? It's 100. Of course, it is. It's a nice round number and easy to calcula...

The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.

He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”

“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”

"That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.

He list...

What European city has the most insects?

Antwerp!

An American biker decides to travel the world [ Long]

Once upon a time there lived an American biker named Rick. Now, Rick loved to ride his motorcycle, but was tired of driving up and down the same roads, day after day.

One morning, he woke up, and decided to travel the world. So he saved up some money, got on a plane, along with his trusty Har...

What do you call an European city filled with rodents?

Hamsterdam

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An American, European and Israeli get captured by ISIS.

The captors decide after some discussion that they will behead all 3. The captors ask each of the people what they would like before being executed. The American is asking for a hamburger, the European asked for red wine and the Israeli asked to be kicked in the butt.

All three received what...

Fun Fact: The Mortal Kombat theme was actually inspired by an old European song of praise.

It was a Finnish hymn.

Last night, I, an American, was arguing with a European over whether Europe or the United States was better.

The European boasted, "We hardly even have racism here in Europe!" I asked them, "What about Romani people? Does the racism they experience not count?"

They replied, "Of course not! Romanis aren't people!"

What do European Nationalists say when they see something disgusting?

“EU”.

A European is visiting USA

and an American says "hey, your foot... "

European cuts him midway "oh you Americans and your lack of knowledge of the units whole world uses. It's not foot, it's meter"

American says "your meter is bleeding"

If you’re American when you go in the bathroom…

... what are you in the bathroom?

European

... and what are you when you come out?

Finnish

23andme is a fake, rip-off scam website.

The results of my ancestry came back 85% German and 10% Bavarian/Eastern European, but I know *FOR A FACT* that my grandparents came to the USA from **Argentina!**

Don't get lost in the mountains

Disclaimer: I know this is a childish joke, but I like it and when you tell this one at a party with drunken people, you can almost guarantee a laugh from everyone.

A journalist went to a village in a mountain range to learn about their traditions. He walks up to the village elder and asks: "...

My friend who works as a beautician wants to learn Eastern European languages

It sounds challenging, but I know she's going to nail Polish.

What do you call a person who's an expert in American culture and politics?

A European Redditor.

Jesus, the Christ, decides to to give humanity a second chance...

Arriving on Earth, he does a tour.

He travels the Middle East and everything goes well. He then goes through Australia and he's welcomed with open arms. Afterwards, he goes to Europe, and all the Europeans love him. Then he goes to America...

whilst in one of the Southern States, one...

As an eastern European living in a western country, dealing with bureaucrats always brings me to tears

Their rudeness and arrogance make reminds me of my homeland, it makes me so nostalgic.

I'm developing a gun that shoots east european stew.

I call it the Goulashnikov.

Northern europeans are good with car production

Because only with them is a car truly finnished

A man walked into a Star Wars museum

...carrying an old rusted bucket by his side and demanded to know who was in charge.

"What can I help you with today, sir?" asked the confused curator.

"This here is an authentic piece of European history and once belonged to the King of England 1000 years ago."

"But," stutte...

I have a friend from Vietnam I talk to every Friday night

I got to know him really well, he was fascinated with America and had really good English (and a good sense of humor) he told me “I don’t know what that “American Dream” is, but I know the European Dream is no America.”

Which European country did Fiona and Shrek go to for their honeymoon?

The Shrek Republic.

What joke is the same in all european languages?

USA

What did the girl say to the hot European?

Czech him out!

You know the difference between Americans and Europeans? .

Europeans think 100 miles is a long distance.

Americans think 100 years is a long time.

Europeans announced they were going to increase penalties for driving with excessive speed and being late for work.

Its part of their sanctions package to target people who are Russian.

The UN recently published the results of a poll. The topic was: "Please truthfully give your opinion on food shortage in the rest of the world."

Results:

Europeans requested explanation of the term "shortage".

Africans asked what "food" is.

Chinese inquired about the term "opinion".

Americans wondered what "rest of the world" might possibly mean.

And in Italy they are still discussing the meaning of the ter...

You are european when going to the bathroom and european when you leave the bathroom. What are you whilst in the bathroom?

You're peeing

An Asian, an American, and a European walk into a bar.

They sit down at the table, and decide to hit up some drinks.



American: I'll have a Coke! I don't want to get drunk.



European: I'll have a watery rum! I'll stay up for the drive.



Asian: I'll have 3 bottles beer, and a side of whiskey!




T...

Which European political leader likes to write at sea?

Marine Le Pen

In today’s European Championship soccer match, several players from the Czech Republic were seen slipping on the grass repeatedly in their loss to Denmark, while their Danish opponents didn’t seem to have an issue at all.

Must be an issue with Czechs and balances.

What do you call a half European shark?

Fin-ish

You're American when when you are not in the restroom...

But while you're in there, European.

A European tells an American a joke

European: Wanna hear a joke?

American: Sure.

European: Free Healthcare

American: I don't get it

European: I know.

Two very old men of unimportant european nationality meet

While talking, one asks: "You watching the football game?" (Soccer for our American friends)

The other says: "Who's playing?"

"Austria-Hungary", says the first.

"Against whom?"

Why are Americans so stupid?

Because they shoot all the ones who go to school

EDIT: I love jokes and comedic freedom... but I AM SO SORRY ABOUT THIS ONE LOL

EDIT 2: Thanks for letting me share the pain of this one with you, internet. And I’m not European (where are ppl getting this lol), I am also 🇺🇸

A drunk German was arrested in the middle of the street in Las Vegas

He complained to the judge that the police officer arrested him because he was "European".

The judge replied, "Sir, he said 'You were peeing!'"

I'm making deer nachos for dinner tonight because it's the most American meal I could think of

The corn and deer were here to begin with, Europeans just brought the cheese and a Mexican did all the work anyway.

Today its finally Europeans time to celebrate!

Happy 9/11 guys!

The world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds they make is walking down the street.

He passes a record store that's advertising a sale. The sign says "45 RPM Vinyl First Editions, European Wasps and The Sounds They Make." Naturally, he's intrigued. So he stops on in and says to the record man, "excuse me, but I am the worlds leading expert on European Wasps and the sounds they make...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a fat European knight who works in the porn industry?

Sir Cum France

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the difference between a vibrator and the 12 European Super League club owners?

The European Super League owners are real dicks.

After losing at the European Championships to The Czechs, Dutch fans were said to be blazing

Meaning twenty minutes later they were a lot calmer and just craving chips.

1980s European leaders Mitterrand, Brezhnev and Thatcher were flying around Europe in a helicopter, trying to recognize cities without seeing them.

Thatcher went first. She stuck her ear out the window and stated: "I can hear Big Ben chime. This is London!"

Next was Mitterrand. He stuck his nose out and stated: "I can smell fresh baguette. This is Paris!"

Last was Brezhnev. He stuck his hand out and yelped: "What... hey! Somebody ...

What is an Eastern European’s favorite food?

Coleslav

Did you hear about the European country ruled by small guitars?

I think it’s called Uke-reign.


(I came up with this I’m so proud of myself)

Expensive Beer

I heard this one about high prices and scarcity from a European friend (I'm American BTW) ...



A fellow goes into a pub and says to the bartender, "One beer please."

The barman replies, "100 euro"

"Wow!" the man says.  "Why is it so expensive?  It was 10 euro before.“
...

I just got off the phone with my European friend visiting Buffalo.

He said make it quick he's roaming.

An Asian, an European and an American is stranded on an island after surviving a sinking ship accident.

They now want to start a new society, at least until they're rescued.

The American decides to be the minister of building and construction and the European takes the position as the minister of food and cooking.

Left over, the Asian is now pretty disappointed that they can't find any m...

What side of the earth were Europeans best at exploring?

Genocide

Ordered a European cabinet from Wayfair and received a girl instead

Not what I expected when the description said Swedish maid

Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, is taking a stroll down his local high street. As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye. "Just Released - New LP - Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now"

Unable to resist the temptation, Brian goes into the shop. "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."

"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like t...

None of my European electronics worked properly in the US, until I prayed to God.

Turns out they just needed a higher power.

How Do I Know That Eastern European’s Love Board Games

Because I Have A Czech Mate Who Told Me So.

I traveled to London this year to take part in Europe's largest chess tournament and was destroyed in the first round by this European guy with an odd accent. I waited until the end of the game to ask him about where he was from and what kind of accent he had...

He responded: "Czech, mate!"

All of my European friends tell me I have a foot fetish.

I tell them, I’ll never understand the metric system.

A building inspector for an old European town found that all buildings built between 1584 and 1750 had significant structural flaws.

Otherwise, if it ain't Baroque, don't fix it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Trump wants to paint the Whitehouse. He asks for a quote from a Chinese guy, a European, and a Turk.

The Chinese guy says he can do it for 3 million dollars, the European says he can do it for 7 million, and the Turk says he can do it for 10 million.

Trump asks the Chinese man why it would cost 3 million and he responds "one for paint, one for my workers, and one for my profit".

Tru...

In Half-Life 2, European cities were renamed with numbers - e.g. most events are in City 17; there is also City 69, formerly known as

Nice.

My friend went to California last year, he saw 2 people arguing. A European and an American, they were arguing about whether Americans were stupid or not, the European then said "You're proof that Americans are stupid" and the American responded:

I'm not even American, I'm Californian!

Do europeans have a foot fetish?

No, they have a centimeter fetish..

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Arsenal are gutted at the collapse of the European Super League

They were really looking forward to the possibility of finishing as high as 12th place

Why are European cars the lightest?

because there's no Americans sitting in them.

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to Hoover the house.

Turns out she was a Slovak.

It ticks me off whenever A European is confused about not being charged for extra refills when the answer is so simple...

Land of the free.

Has heard about the new vehicle powered by urine?

Apparently you can't get it there, as only European models are available

Some European explorers were traveling through the Amazon rainforest with some natives as guides...

when they started hearing drums in the distance. Puzzled the Europeans inquired, “we hear drums? What does that mean?”

The Natives answered, “When drums stop, very bad.”

Reluctantly the exploration continues. After 5 minutes the drums had started getting louder and the explorers star...

What's the best European city to 69 in?

Nice

Sorry.

I told a joke during tech sound setup: "There were two European tourists walking down the street. One was from Budapest."

"There was a Czech one, too."

Who is 6’5”, ripped, and loves 17th century European architecture?

Dwayne ‘Baroque’ Johnson

How can you tell the God of thunder is European?

He still has his thorskin

I met this european guy last night who claimed he was a well endowed white supremacist

Well, he said he was a hung aryan

How much space will Brexit free up in the European Union?

1 GB

What is a Karen called in Europe

An American

Trump just banned the import of any European cheese into America

How dairy.

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