A European and an American

European: Wanna hear a joke?

American: Sure.

European: Free Healthcare.

American: I don't get it.

European: I Know.

I have a European friend who I play chess with

Or as I like to call him, my Czech mate

An international school teacher asks: “What’s your own honest opinion on food scarcity in other countries?”

An African student responds: What's food?

A Western European student: What's scarcity?

An Eastern European student: What's honest?

A Chinese student: What's opinion?

A Russian student: What's your?

An American student: What's other countries?

What joke is the same in all european languages?

USA

What side of the earth were Europeans best at exploring?

Genocide

A building inspector for an old European town found that all buildings built between 1584 and 1750 had significant structural flaws.

Otherwise, if it ain't Baroque, don't fix it.

You know the difference between Americans and Europeans? .

Europeans think 100 miles is a long distance.

Americans think 100 years is a long time.

If America is storming Area 51 then the Europeans can storm the Vatican

We’ll take the aliens, you get the predators

What does a European person say when they see something nasty?

EU.

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An American, European and Israeli get captured by ISIS.

The captors decide after some discussion that they will behead all 3. The captors ask each of the people what they would like before being executed. The American is asking for a hamburger, the European asked for red wine and the Israeli asked to be kicked in the butt.

All three received what...

The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.



He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”

“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”

"That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.
...

An Asian, an American, and a European walk into a bar.

They sit down at the table, and decide to hit up some drinks.



American: I'll have a Coke! I don't want to get drunk.



European: I'll have a watery rum! I'll stay up for the drive.



Asian: I'll have 3 bottles beer, and a side of whiskey!




T...

The world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds they make is walking down the street.

He passes a record store that's advertising a sale. The sign says "45 RPM Vinyl First Editions, European Wasps and The Sounds They Make." Naturally, he's intrigued. So he stops on in and says to the record man, "excuse me, but I am the worlds leading expert on European Wasps and the sounds they make...

European heaven/ European hell

European heaven is a place where the chefs are spanish, the police is british, the mechanics are germans, the lovers are italians and everything is organized by the swiss.

European hell is a place where the chefs are british, the police is german, the mechanics are spanish, the lovers are sw...

In Half-Life 2, European cities were renamed with numbers - e.g. most events are in City 17; there is also City 69, formerly known as

Nice.

My friend went to California last year, he saw 2 people arguing. A European and an American, they were arguing about whether Americans were stupid or not, the European then said "You're proof that Americans are stupid" and the American responded:

I'm not even American, I'm Californian!

What do you call a European man in a hurry?

He’s Russian

If you learn all of the european languages, you know which one you have to learn last?

Finnish

What did the girl say to the hot European?

Czech him out!

My friend who works as a beautician wants to learn Eastern European languages

It sounds challenging, but I know she's going to nail Polish.

You don’t find many European people with a fetish for feet

They’re more in to meters

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An american and a european friends are sitting in a bar in Texas when they spot a beautiful blond girl.

They decide to compete who can get a date with her. American goes first.

American: "hey, my dick is 9 inches long. Care to spend a night with me?"

Girl: "9 inches? I must see this for myself."

American: "Before that, give my friend over there a chance too."

American steps...

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A man is walking in the street and sees a women with the most beautiful breasts he’s ever seen.

He walks up to her and asks: “If I give you 10’000$, will you let me bite your boob?”
The woman, quite shocked, obviously says no.
The man then asks if he can bite her breast for 100’000$. The woman still says no. The man asks for 1’000’000$, 10’000’000$ and 100’000’000$ but the woman still re...

Ordered a European cabinet from Wayfair and received a girl instead

Not what I expected when the description said Swedish maid

Overheard a 4th grader tell this one...

What’s your nationality when you’re in the bathroom?

European

It ticks me off whenever A European is confused about not being charged for extra refills when the answer is so simple...

Land of the free.

I hired a team of Northern Europeans to build me a shed

They never Finnished the job

An Asian, an European and an American is stranded on an island after surviving a sinking ship accident.

They now want to start a new society, at least until they're rescued.

The American decides to be the minister of building and construction and the European takes the position as the minister of food and cooking.

Left over, the Asian is now pretty disappointed that they can't find any m...

Did you hear about the European country ruled by small guitars?

I think it’s called Uke-reign.


(I came up with this I’m so proud of myself)

Some European explorers were traveling through the Amazon rainforest with some natives as guides...

when they started hearing drums in the distance. Puzzled the Europeans inquired, “we hear drums? What does that mean?”

The Natives answered, “When drums stop, very bad.”

Reluctantly the exploration continues. After 5 minutes the drums had started getting louder and the explorers star...

The Native Americans were surprised to be colonised by Europeans

No one expects the Spanish Acquisition

Joke my 10 year old daughter told me today: If you’re an American in the kitchen, what are you in the bathroom?

European

I traveled to London this year to take part in Europe's largest chess tournament and was destroyed in the first round by this European guy with an odd accent. I waited until the end of the game to ask him about where he was from and what kind of accent he had...

He responded: "Czech, mate!"

A Nigerian Governor wants to paint the Government house.

A Nigerian Governor wants to paint the Government house. He calls for quotation....
Chinese guy quoted 3 million.
European guy quoted 7 million.
Nigerian guy quoted 10 million.
The Governor asked the chinese guy.."..
how did u quote 3 million..?"
Chinese guy replied .."1 million ...

If you think it's bad that Europeans drive on the other side of the road....

consider that Australians have to drive upside down...

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations,

the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English". In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be d...

Who is 6’5”, ripped, and loves 17th century European architecture?

Dwayne ‘Baroque’ Johnson

It is said that most Americans have feet fetish

And most Europeans prefer Meters

How do Europeans charge their phones?

With EUB cables

An American is exercising in a gym

"This workout is intense," he huffs. "My heart is pounding."

"Eh?" says a fellow next to him.

"Oh sorry, I forget that you're European. My heart is 'kilogramming'," he replies.

"Oh yeah same," says the European.

I walked into a gent's bathroom...

and saw a guy wearing an american flag at the urinal.

I asked him 'Hey are you American?'

He replied 'European'

'yeah, I know, but are you American?'.

I was going to make a joke about Europeans...

But there is Norway I would be able to Finnish it.

Why do Northern Europeans never get stuff done late

They’re already Finished

How much space will Brexit free up in the European Union?

1 GB

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A British explorer sets out for an expedition into Africa...

This is a time when Europeans know very, very little about the "cannibalistic African savages," and the African tribesmen know even less about the ways of the white man. So, our explorer comes to Africa, hoping to disperse the clouds of mist, and after having to resort to employing firearms a few ti...

The European Union is like a bad boss.

If everything goes well it’s thanks to it but if something goes wrong it’s your fault.

I told a joke during tech sound setup: "There were two European tourists walking down the street. One was from Budapest."

"There was a Czech one, too."

What's the best European city to 69 in?

Nice

Sorry.

Trump just banned the import of any European cheese into America

How dairy.

My Eastern European girlfriend bought me some flowers for Valentine’s Day.

They were from Russia with Love

My grandparents are from San Juan, Puerto Rico, but the rest of my family is European.

I guess that makes me Quarter-Rican.

In 2002 Justin Timberlake made a hit song about Eastern European waterways.

It specifically talks about a river in Crimea.

(edit: I originally got my Justins mixed up, thanks for the comments :) )

Europeans have been testing aircraft engines against bird strikes for a long while, using a cannon which launched (deceased, obviously) chickens at the aeroplane.

Eventually, the Americans decided they needed to test their engines tbe same way. So they brought a device over and started testing. No matter how resilient they made the engines, they always failed. After months of testing, they gave up and sent for a European engineer to advise on what wad wrong.<...

Why are european men uncut?

Because european women love cheese

What do Riley Reid and a European socialist have in common?

They both like the BBC.

Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, is taking a stroll down his local high street. As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye. "Just Released - New LP - Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now"

Unable to resist the temptation, Brian goes into the shop. "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."

"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like t...

My friend says she's never dating a European guy again.

She said "They always either try to leave randomly or just don't Finnish."

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An American woman is about to have sex with a European man

She pulls down his pants and sees that his penis is uncircumcised.

"Ew! You're not circumcised?" She asks.

"Well, no." He replies. "That's not common where I'm from."

The woman sighs and decides to just go with it. She begins taking off all of her clothes until she's completely ...

Why did the American student spend his year in European brothels?

To study a broad.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Trump wants to paint the Whitehouse. He asks for a quote from a Chinese guy, a European, and a Turk.

The Chinese guy says he can do it for 3 million dollars, the European says he can do it for 7 million, and the Turk says he can do it for 10 million.

Trump asks the Chinese man why it would cost 3 million and he responds "one for paint, one for my workers, and one for my profit".

Tru...

Remember when the UK was part of the European Union?

I remember it like it was yesterday

Two European frogs discuss their ancestry

"So, are you a complete french frog?"

"No. I'm a tad-pole."

The European conference

Centuries ago, a conference took place in Europe. The issue was finding a solution to flood control in The Netherlands. Now, the English delegate was a blatant racist against the Dutch, and couldn't care less about their lives. Each of the delegates from all around Europe were asked for their ideas,...

Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris, and Arnold Schwarzenegger are reading a script at lunch...

It's for Stallone's new movie *The Composers*, about the descendants of famous European composers joining forces to fight terrorism. Stallone says he'll play Beethoven, "My theme will be ode to joy. But get this: Joy is the name of my shotgun."

"Nice," says Norris. "I'll be Mozart, and I'...

None of my European electronics worked properly in the US, until I prayed to God.

Turns out they just needed a higher power.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mariner and a woman meet in a bar in New York City...

She says "I have always wanted to visit Europe, but I can't afford a ticket."

The seaman tells her he will sneak her onto his ship, bring her food and water every day until they get to a European port in exchange for sex. She agrees.

The mariner sneaks her onto the ship and hides ...

Art thieves pillaged a museum of European 17th and 18th century artwork. They smashed windows, stole paintings, destroyed exhibits, and even did a number on the light fixtures. Everything about the place is a mere ruin of what it was yesterday.

It's all baroque now.

I broke up with my European girlfriend because we weren’t on the same page.

I’m 8 1/2 x 11. She’s A4.

It just didn’t feel right. We didn’t fit together.

I’ve been asked if I want to go for a weekend away to a Central European country by a guy at work.

Hungary?

No, Dave the cleaner. Gary is married.

The European Space Agency (ESA) recruits one Dutch, one French and one Turkish astronaut for a space mission

As the mission should last 10 years, they ask the astronauts what they want to bring with them in space.

The Dutch says: "I would like to master a new language, can I bring a Spanish teacher?". ESA recruits the best Spanish teacher trains them and sends them to the space with the others.
<...

What did the NTSC player say to his European friend?

Hello pal!

A time-traveler arrives in the middle of a medieval european war...

Clueless about his whereabouts and the year he’s in, he follows a few soldiers in the middle of a siege to ask them.

“Do you know where we are?” the time-traveler asked.

“We’re in Cambrai !” One of them replied

“And do you know what year it is ?”

“ 1339, why do you ask ?”...

At a European airport I saw a guy with a really long and very thin suitcase.......

I went up to him and asked: “Tell me, are you a Pole Vaulter?”
He replied: “Nein, I am German but how did you know my name was Walter?”

Geography at its finest



{} Why are Europeans so elite at drifting

{}{}The Eurasian plate moves about one quarter to one half of an inch each year

Did you know there’s a room in US homes where you are no longer American?

The bathroom! Because then European.

I asked my European boss if he had read Farenheit 451.

He told me he only made it to page 232...

An American guy is talking with European in some bar in USA.

The American guy is saying: "I heard you have now some problems with immigrants in Europe."

An American Indian bends from the next table and says: "Pay attention to that, we heavily underestimated that once"

Did all Europeans give Native Americans smallpox on purpose?

Or is that a blanket statement?

A cop arrested a European robot, but eventually let it go.

He couldn't charge it with anything.

Based on a True Story: A breeding pair of crocodiles ate two European tourists in Australia

This actually happened back when I was a kid in the 90's: A French photographer and his friend from Czechoslovakia got too close to a nesting site and were attacked and consumed by a pair of crocodiles in Australia. The female ate the Frenchman.

The Czech was in the male.

Why are European cars the lightest?

because there's no Americans sitting in them.

I have an Eastern European friend who fixes my language mistakes...

My personal spell Czech.

If you are Australian when you go to the bathroom, and still Australian when you leave the bathroom, what are you when your in the bathroom?

European

Why do Europeans hate baseball?

Because it's three reichs and you're out.

Europeans revere the art of cheesemaking.

But Swiss cheese is holy.

An European court banned parents from naming their kid Nutella.

They stopped a stupid name before it could spread.

Apparently 1 out of every 10 Europeans were conceived on an IKEA bed...

Which is crazy when you consider how well lit those places are.

So I was in a hostel playing chess with a European guy when an Aussie comes up and says...

"There's no way you'll win."

"Why?"

"Because he's Czech, mate."

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to Hoover the house.

Turns out she was a Slovak.

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I was having a conversation in the bathroom with a group of guys about the two possible nationalities.

If you are in the bathroom, either European or ur a poopin.

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