UPJOKE
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A guy rides his motorcycle through the border from Spain to France every week carrying two bags of sand.

The border guard searched the bags every time, but never found anything, so he had to let him through. The guard has his last day at work before retiring and the guy comes to the border again, carrying his two bags of sand. The guard says "look, man, it's my last day, I'm not going to bust you. You...

Did you hear about the cheese factory in France that exploded ?

There was nothing left but de brie

There was a man in France who used to drive a train for a living...

There was a man in France who drove a train for a living.

He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child.

He loved to make the train go as fast as possible.

Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash.

He made i...

Why does France have so many rivers?

Water follows the path of least resistance.

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Ireland Declares War on France

The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

"Hallo!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy Down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," the President of France ...

It's only quarantine if it comes from the quarantine region of France;

otherwise, it's just sparkling isolation

They currently think the person who ruined the Tour de France might have been German.

Well, she did try to take down a whole race...

A German visits France and is stopped at immigration.

The French immigration agent asks, "Business or pleasure?"

The German replies, "Pleasure!"

The agent asks, "Occupation?"

The German replies, "Nein, Nein, just visiting!"

I bought the new Call of Duty WWII in France.

But for some reason, I can only be a spectator.

What do they call the Hunger Games in France?

Battle Royale with Cheese.

A German was going to a trip in France...

He reached passport control and the officer asked:

"Name?"

"Hans Kleiner"

"Age?"

"31"

"Occupation?"

"No no, just visiting"

Paratroopers from England, Scotland, France and the US were on a plane...

During World War II, four paratroopers each from England, Scotland, France and the US, were on a plane about to jump when they realized there was only one serviceable parachute.

The French paratrooper downed a glass of cognac, said "Pour la France!" and jumped without the parachute.

Th...

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Did you know? In Marseille, they actually give you a certificate with every souvenir you buy, as a means of demonstrating that it's a genuine product of southern France.

It's proven Provence province provenance.

An Austrian travels to France where he has to pass security.

Airport security:"Nationality?"

Austrian: "Austria"

Airport security: "Occupation?"

Austrian: "Nein, nein, only vacation"

3 spies from England, France and Italy were sent to the USSR.

After a week they were captured and put in jail. The Russians took the English spy, tied and tortured him and after 20 minutes he gave all the info.

Then the Russians took the French spy. They tied and tortured him, and after 20 minutes he too gave all the info.

Then they took the Ital...

I decided to get tattoos of Italy and France on my chest

Now I have really sore Naples. But other than that, it turned out pretty Nice.

After watching the Tour de France for several years running, a guy decides that he's going to get into cycling.

So he buys himself a brand new road bike, and sets out for his first long ride. He's pretty fit, and takes a long route over several hills. But on his way back, he finds that he's just too tired to continue, and just can't make it back up over those hills.

He decides to try to catch a ride ...

In France, do you know why they only eat one egg at breakfast time?

Because one egg is enough

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What's the sexiest train route in France?

Nice-Brest

A German man visiting France

He's stopped at customs. The officer asks him, "Name?"

"Hans Muller" replies the German.

"Occupation?"

"No, just visiting this time."

TIL in France, marijuana is called...

Oui'd

I wish everyone would lay off Lance Armstrong. What an amazing achievement to recover from testicular cancer and win the tour de France 7 consecutive times. I don't care he used drugs....

when I was on drugs I couldn't even find my bike.

The history and reasons why France switched to the metric system is very interesting

But to make a long story short, it was Napoleon.

Southern France is Nice

But Gibraltar totally rocks!

A tourist from France visits the US

He goes to his hotel's restaurant and orders a salad and a hot dog

The waiter first comes back with an enormous bowl. With a smile on his face, he tells the tourist "In America, everything is giant!"

The tourist manages to finish the salad. The waiter comes back again with the hot dog....

I tripped in France

Eiffel over

Why do they eat snail in France?

Because they don’t have fast food.

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The King of France, The King of England and The King of Spain are having an argument over who has the biggest penis.

Eventually they decide to let the people judge. They all stand on a stage in front of the people and drop their pants one by one.


The King of France drops his and the French crowd shout "Viva la France!!"


The King of Spain drops his and the Spanish crowd shout "Viva la Es...

Did you know the first French Fries weren’t actually cooked in France?

They were cooked in Greece.

The Queen of France is asked by her chef what she would like her and the rest of the court to eat for dinner

"I would like to eat cheese", she said.

"Which kind of cheese?", asked the chef?

"I would like soft French cheese with garlic and herbs", replied the queen. "And there is one more thing I must insist on".

"Anything my Queen. What is it?", replied the chef.

"It is very im...

After World War 2, France seriously considered changing its name

Unfortunately Iran was already taken

I heard France is replacing its ageing, deteriorating navy vessels

I guess French ships don’t always last forever

German visits France

A german tourist decided to visit France shortly after the war.

The french immigration officer asked the tourist, "Occupation?"

The german replied "Nah, just visiting"

Who won the first Tour De France?

The 2nd Panzer Division.

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A Syrian kid in France.

A Syrian kid and his refugee family move to France. On his first day of school his teacher asks him "what is your name?". To which he politely responds, "My name is Abdul and I am from Syria (Middle-East accent)..She abruptly stops him and corrects him.
"No! From now on you are French and your n...

I'm thinking of moving to the Alpes-Maritimes area of France.

I hear it's Nice.

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I went to France.

I visited Paris and Marseille. Not Nice.

I couldn't make it to the top of the tower in France.

I fell.

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Beautiful woman

A bloke is sitting in the bar at a busy airport.

A beautiful woman walks in and sits down next to him.

He presumes, because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off duty flight attendant.

So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for ...

In France, we have Karens too

They are called "American tourists".

A man from Florida is on vacation in France and looking for a souvenir

He decides to buy a shirt that he can show off when he golfs with his buddies back home, so he finds a golf store.

To his surprise, he finds a golf shirt with a picture of a gator on it! There's gator merchandise from France?? What a perfect shirt!

He checks the tag and it's 100 €! Inc...

Did you know that France have started making a line of American-style cars for goats?

They're called Chevreolets

France and Italy simultaneously declare war on each other

France surrenders

Italy changes sides

Both lose

TIL France got a different version of The Force Awakens than the rest of the world.

While the international version ends with Rey and Luke, the French version ends with fin.

France sets new land speed record

A truly great outcome for the engineers and the driver of the vehicle they named, "S" Car Go.

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A man went on a trip to France

He didn’t have much money so he decided to stay in a hostel. All night he kept trying to sleep but the sounds of an ambulance coming from the room next door kept him up.

The next night he went to go to sleep and the same thing happened; woken up by ambulance sounds except this time from acro...

A cyclist throws in the towel halfway through the Tour de France. Seconds later a minor avalanche kills the three teammates he was riding next to.

Survival of Defeatist

In 7th grade we had a quiz where we were asked "what did France set up during the French Revolution." They marked me wrong and I'm still a little upset about it.

I still maintain "tons and tons of guillotines" is a correct answer

The President of France has published a recipe for a new dessert with coconut and pasta

It’s Macron’s macaroon macaroni macaron.

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My ex has some problem with her vagina and has to go to a city in France to get treatment

Its Toulouse.

An Englishman in France

This happened to an Englishman in France who was totally blasted. A French policeman stops his car and asks if he has been drinking. With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married that morning, and that he drank champagne and a few bottl...

In the early 1400's, a little town in France was down on its luck...

Unemployment was high, and everyone who needed money pretty much lived their lives in front of the job board in the middle of the town.

Well, one fine morning, the city priest walked to the center of town and posted a page that read, 'Help Wanted: Bell Ringer.' The groans that pervaded the cr...

During WWII a badly injured British pilot has to bail out over occupied France.

He's found, in very bad shape, and transferred to the medical wing of a German prisoner of war camp. After a week, the doctors tell him that the infection in his left leg means they're going to have to amputate. "OK," says the airman. "Just, if you would, do me one favour. Drop the leg over my airba...

Why do you never have to buy a box of eggs in France?

Because one egg is always un oeuf

France should be disqualified!

They have one Tchouaméni on the pitch.

What do they call Miley Cyrus in France?

Kilometrey Cyrus.

Where is the best place to 69 in France?

Nice.

I was bicycling through a city in France when suddenly my wheel fell off

It was too loose.

A Spanish man is driving a tractor trailer across France and into Italy.

A Spanish man is driving a tractor trailer across France and into Italy. At the border he gets stopped by the French police and questioned about the contents of his truck. "Caracoles" he says. Not understanding, the police open it up and say "Oh, escargots." The Spanish man replies, "Sì, es cargo."

How many French do you need to defend France?

Nobody knows, no one has tried.

I'd like to move to the fifth most populated city in France.

I've heard it's nice.

France has the most flags on the moon of any nation.

The intense UV light bleaches all the flags placed there white.

I went to a haunted bed and breakfast in France. I left.

The place was giving me the crepes.

My friend just bought a house in a coastal city in southern France.

It’s Nice.

What do they call the side effects of lactose intolerance in France?

Smelly derriere (dairy air)

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An Italian sniper and a Greek sniper...

An Italian sniper and a Greek sniper are perched in a tower overlooking the city of Nancy in France during World War 2. They have been lying down, silently staring down the scopes of their rifles for what surely felt like weeks at that point, and after a few hours of inactivity, the Greek sniper sud...

A man saw a gorgeous flight attendant sitting alone reading the paper in an international airport.

He couldn’t quite pin down the exact airline, but he wanted to show off as a man of the world. He tried by saying Air France’s old motto. ‘Making the sky the best place on earth!’ The stewardess gave him the side eye but otherwise ignored him. Undeterred, he tried Singapore Airlines’. ‘A great way t...

The Nigerian ambassador goes to visit the house of the ambassador of France

It's a huge and luxurious house with gardens, pools, greek statues and paintings.

The Nigerian ambassador wanders with the French ambassador after dining. The Nigerian ambassador then asks to the French ambassador how did he do to afford that house.
The French ambassador then tells him to ...

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Why wasn't Jesus born in France?

He couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.

Why was France not allowed to join AUKUS?

Because FAUKUS wouldn't sound right to scare China.

A French, a Brit, and an American are on an expedition in the Amazon

They are captured by a tribe of natives. The chief says to them, "you must die for intruding our land. But it is our custom to allow you to choose your own death."

After some time, the Frenchman says, "my great grandfather died by sword while fighting for France, I shall do the same to honor ...

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Why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft?

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft.
The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more...

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An old man is at passport control in Paris

He is going through his bag for his passport. The woman on passport control asks him 'Have you visited France before?'

'Yes' replied the old man.

Sarcastically she responds 'Well surely you should know to have your passport ready...' to which he answers 'I didn't have to show it last t...

They're only called patriots if they come from the Pat region in France

otherwise, they are just sparkling riots

What happened when I jumped off a famous building in France?

Eiffel

A German tourist driving through France gets pulled over for speeding, and the French police officer starts questioning him.

FPO: Name?

GT: Hans Schmidt.

FPO: Age?

GT: 36

FPO: Occupation?

GT: No! No! I’m only here on vacation!

TIL 69 originated in a city in the south of France

Nice

Did you hear about the new variant they’ve discovered in France?

Scientists have called it O-Macron.

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A man goes to France for a golf tournament, but hires a hooker for the night before

The woman gets there and pretty soon they start doing their thing. While they're having sex, the hooker keeps saying a phrase over and over again, but the man can't understand what she's saying because he doesn't know much French. The man assumes that she's saying something that would indicate that ...

A guy called British Airways before his flight from London to Paris: “Hi, I have a question. Can I fly to France using my drivers license?”

“No”, said the woman. “You need a plane”

President of France, Italy and Serbia are flying over the world in a jet.

They fly over France and the president of France says:
"Look, there's France!!"
Everyone asks:
"How do you know?"
He responds:
"You can see the Eiffel tower."

They fly over Italy and the president of Italy says:
"Look, there's Italy!!"
Everyone asks:
"How do you know?"...

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A world known pair of thieves were visiting the Escoffier Museum of Culinary Arts in France.

They were looking to make their final steal the biggest yet. They walk up the pearly white steps and into the old yellow plastered building.

As they walk in, the man turns to the woman and asks, "What do you think we should take? I want our last job to be remembered for years!"

The wo...

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Four people are in a train compartment in France

There's an attractive young woman, a plain older woman, a French man and an English man.

The train goes into a tunnel and the lights flicker out. In the dark, there’s a loud *slap!* and when the lights come back on, the French man is rubbing his cheek.

The plain woman thinks, "That ...

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My friend visiting from France wants to try real American food

She was really pissed off when I bought her French fries.

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An English soldier has returned from the frontlines in France

As the soldier gets on the train to London, he is very tired. He looks around for a free seat. He spots a women and her dog. "Excuse me, ma'am. May I have that seat? I am ever so tired." The women snorted, "You soldiers are very ignorant. My dog is more precious than your life." The soldier frowns t...

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A list of puns

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says,...

I'm the woman who caused the Tour de France crash! AMA!



Oops, gotta run!

France just made a 2 letter abbreviation for their country

Oh, fr?

Real pandas come from the Pandeaux region of France.

Otherwise they’re just sparkling patrol car bears.

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The Canadian

A Canadian a Russian and a French guys are all armed with pistols and sitting around a camp fire.
The Russian pulls out a full bottle of Vodka, opens it and drinks about a quarter of it. He then throws it up into the air, draws his gun and shoot it.

The Canadian yells WTF?

The Russ...

Germany owed a massive debt to France after the treaty of Versailles

One day, Germany couldn't afford to pay the weekly payment to France. So France gathered a band of soldiers and rode into a small town in Rhineland on trucks, hoping to find anything valuable as reparation. After inspecting the town for a brief moment, they took its tram tracks and street lamps back...

Santa is only delivering presents to a city in the south of France of this year.

Apparently no one else is on the Nice list!

Starting a tour to see all of the area protected wines in France.

I call it the Appellation Trail

A German, a Frenchman and an Englishman go fishing...

They fish quite happily for a while until the German catches a huge golden fish, but as he pulls it off the hook it says "Please don't kill me! Spare my life and I'll grant you all a wish!"

The German throws the fish back and says "I wish for a mug of beer that will never empty", and immediat...

When I was visiting France, my French friends kept insisting I stay up every night and do drugs.

I was under a lot of Pierre pressure.

In France, what do you call the break in between strikes?

You call it "lunch".

The person who caused the Tour de France crash should be arrested and charged with genocide.

She tried to take out an entire race.

What do they call arson in France?

Crime brulè

An Arab Sheikh sends his son to France for his studies. A year later the son comes back but the Sheikh realises that something is bothering his son. After some questioning, the son tells his father that he goes to college in his Porsche but the other students come by train. It's not right.

The Sheikh feels terrible, hugs his son and says, 'Don't worry son... I'll buy you a train today!'

Solar radiation has turned the American flags on the moon pure white...

...so now it looks like France landed there.

France just did something that they couldn't do for a long time

They won something in Russia.

Apparently, France still leads the US in total executions performed.

However, I don't think that's a fair comparison as France got a head start.

I felt a really strong desire to support France in these Olympics, just based on the design of their flag.

Then I realised it was just a trickallure.

A mother is helping her son study for a geography test.

She asks him: "What is the capital of Germany?"

"Berlin," says the boy.

"What is the capital of France?"

"Berlin," says the boy.

"What is the capital of Russia?"

"Berlin," says the boy.

"Good job, Adolf, you'll do great on your test tomorrow."

A man returning from a trip to France was stopped by customs.

Official: "What is in this bottle? It seems you haven't declared it."

Man: "It's holy water from a famous church. What about it?"

Official: "You’re lying! It's cognac!"

Man: "It’s a miracle!"

Olympic sailing competition just finished. France got the gold, South Africa got the silver, and ...

Somalia got the boat.

If you were born in France. Raised in England moved to Canada and died in the USA what are you...?

Dead.

I’m going to move to France.

I have nothing Toulouse.

Driving in France

I was driving from London to Paris and got off the ferry at Calais.

I got onto the D901, when my wife called me saying "careful dear, they are saying on the news that there is a lunatic driving on the wrong side of the road."

I said "the news is wrong honey. There are hundreds of these...

The Farmer and his Daughters

Now once there was a farmer, and daughters he had five,
And each of them was waiting for their first date to arrive.
Their boyfriends all would tell him how they would have their fun.
If the farmer didn't like it, he'd shoot them with his gun.

So the first guy knocked on the do...

Do you know why, in France they only eat one egg for breakfast?

Coz it’s un oeuf.

Courtesy: The Trial Of The Chicago 7

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I went into a bar in France

and asked the barman, "Do you have any proper beer in here or do you just serve that locally-produced piss?"

"Oui." he replied.

So I walked out and continued my search to find a proper pint.

What do they call a Double Quarter Pounder with cheese, large fries, and a Diet Coke in France?

"The American Weight Loss Plan."

At a state dinner, both the King of the Czech lands and the King of France happened to witness a murder.

The next day, they held a joint conference to describe what they each had seen. As the King of France gave his recollection of the details of the murder, the audience gasped and clutched their handkerchiefs and at the end swooned in amazement. But when the King of the Czech lands gave his eyewitness...

What did the English general say after a successful bombing raid on a city in southern France?

Be careful. At this point, they don't have much Toulouse.

A new disease in France turns people into bread.

French authorities are unable to contain the spread, and the disease begins to make its way through Europe and to the rest of the world.

It's a paindemic.

TIL of a reality show where the goal is to do as much drugs as possible without dying or getting caught.

It's called the Tour de France.

There is this guy on a motorcycle that takes two bags of sand over the France/Spain border every week.

The bags get investigated every week by the border police but he can never find anything wrong with the bags. After about two years of this happening the border police has to ask.

"Sir," the border police stops the man as he came by again, "this is my last day on the job and I will not tell a...

They always say pants from France are too tight....

....I'm not sure why. I always find French pants Toulouse.

I know you're all amazed a senator can believe the Paris agreement is about Paris and France

But to be honest, Eiffel for it.

Why can I not make jokes about the recent attacks in France?

Because jokes are all about execution.

Did you know you are not allowed to come to France and buy any bears?

All french bears are ours

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