Why are Canadians so good at sports?

They always bring their eh game

I'm not an apologetic Canadian...

I'm sorry, I'm just not

Why are Canadians always over qualified for jobs in the US?

Because zero degrees in Canada is the same as 32 in the States.

Two Canadians die and end up in Hell.

The devil decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

The devil, annoyed, storms away and goe...

How do you get 50 drunk Canadians out of a pool?

You say "everyone out of the pool please."

Fence repair at the Canadian Parliament

Three contractors are bidding to repair a fence at the Parliament Buildings. One is from Montreal, another is from Winnipeg and the third is from Vancouver.
All three go with a public works official to examine the fence.
The Vancouver contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring...

A Canadian asks an American to watch a movie together.

American: Have you seen the Titanic?

Canadian: What's that about?

American: Yes it was. A huge one that sank.

I was shocked to find out that I had a little Canadian in me this whole time.

And he didn’t even perform well!

How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in the pan?

You take away its broom.

God created Canada.

On the 6th day God turned to Archangel Gabriel and said: "Today I am going to create a land called Canada, it will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains,beautiful sparkling lakes bountiful with bass and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs over-l...

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A Canadian, American, and Japanese guy get stranded on an island

The American guy says: "We really need to find some supplies for our survival."

The Japanese guy turns to him and says: "I'll get working on the supplies, you guys try to create a signal in case help arrives near the island", and with that the Japanese guy turns and runs into the forest on th...

An elderly Canadian gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane

An elderly Canadian gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane. At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.

"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked, sarcastically.

The elderly gentleman admitted he ha...

What did the Canadian say when he was mad at his friend?

“That’s it, I’m having Nunavut, eh!”

Four Canadians arrived at an all-way stop sign from each direction at exactly the same time

They're still there

What do you call a Russian president that's also Canadian?

Vladimir Poutine

What did Canadians use to communicate during the various wars they fought?

Moose Code.

Why are Canadians so smart

Because they always get strait eh’s

2 Canadians are sitting outside watching the night sky.

When the first guy asks the other “If you had to be one star in the night sky, which one would you be, eh?”

The second guy thinks for a moment and says “I’d probably be the brightest star in the sky.”

To which the first guy quickly responds “You can’t be Sirius A!”

Ever heard of Canadian terrorism?

It's when your neighbour leaves and you do all of his chores!

Did you hear about the failed Canadian plot to bomb Mexico with a nuclear missile?

It went south fast.

If you think about it we all start out Canadian

Drinking milk from bags.

Who’s your favourite Canadian music icon that also practices advanced culinary technique which enhances the flavour of poultry at the atomic level?

Brine Atoms

Canadian humour

Did you know that Justin Bieber isn't the most famous Canadian Justin. I know it sounds wierd but it's Trudeau.

I love how Canadian money is Scratch n Sniff!

American money is too, just not intentionally.

A Canadian and American are grabbing a drink....

AMERICAN: “Hey, have you ever seen the movie Titanic?”

CANADIAN: “What’s that about?”

AMERICAN: “Yes! A really large one that sank. Based on a true event.”

Why do Canadians make such good accountants?

Because they’re type eh?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An American, A Canadian and a Japanese were stranded in a deserted island

An American, A Canadian and a Japanese were stranded in a deserted island in middle of no where. They understood that until rescues arrived, they will need to work together in order to stay alive on the island. So they decided to divide up the tasks. The American points to the Canadian and says: "yo...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Bob and Doug are at the pub complaining about the harsh Canadian winter.

Bob finally says " Fuck it, let's get out here and fly somehere warm". So off they head to the airport looking for the first flight to anywhere that's sunny. As it happens there's a flight leaving straight away for Brisbane. Australia. They happily hop on looking forward to all that Aussie sunshin...

Why do Canadian businessmen go clubbing after a big trade agreement?

To seal the deal

[Canadian joke] Yo mama so fat

... there must be a medical condition that is causing her to gain so much weight. People don't get that fat simply due to "eating wrong" or "eating too much." Be nice to her.

What do Canadian Jawas eat?

Poutini!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An American with a boat and a Canadian with a boat crash,

They keep blaming one another while floating on sea. After a while they arrive at an island, where they were greeted by a tribe. They told their dilemma to the head of the tribe, to which he replied: "each of you will go to the forest and collect 100 of the same fruit, the first one to return will n...

An American, a Brit, a Canadian, a Dane, an Ethiopian, a Frenchman, a Greek, a Haitian, an Irishman, a Jew, a Kiwi, a Lithuanian, a Mongolian, a Nigerian, an Omani, a Peruvian, a Qatari, a Roman, a Scotsman, a Uruguayan, a Venezuelan, a Western Saharan, a xenophobe and a Zimbabwean walk into a bar

The bartender says
"Im sorry, but you can't come in here without a Thai"

A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker

were in Mexico arguing about which place had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.

The...

Two Canadian body builders were working out at the gym.

After they were done, they sat together in the locker room.

One turned to the other and said, "I'm sore, eh?"

The other said, "What for?"

I’m starting to think my wife is Canadian.

She keeps saying she is sorry she ever married me.

Anytime I hear a mean joke about Canadians, I immediately go to the hospital to get my feelings checked.

For free.

[TIL] The scientific reason Canadian geese flight pattern is always more geese on one side.

Geese can't count

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A Canadian man, a Japanese man, and an American man are in a plane.

They’re on a hijacked plane and the terrorist demands that they each drop something out of the plane capable of killing someone.

The Canadian drops a bag of coins, hoping that someone can use those coins for good use.

The Japanese drops a katana, to honorably and quickly kill whoever w...

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Off the grid in the Canadian wilderness

A man moves off the grid out into the remote Canadian wilderness. He buys a place where his nearest neighbor is 6 miles away over rough terrain with no road. He enjoys all of nature's beauty and especially the solitude.

After about 9 months of not seeing another human being, dead in the midd...

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American

She shares the joys of being a part of the greatest country in the world, and asks her students to raise their hands if they are or want to be American too. Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks.

There is, however,...

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Why Must It Be This Way?

An American and a Canadian are sitting on a plane. After takeoff the Canadian leans back, and takes his shoes off, and begins to relax. The American, who is pinned in at the window, says, "Sorry to trouble you but our call light is broken. Could you get me a beer?"

"No problem," says the Can...

How many deaf Canadians does it take to change a light bulb?

Eh?

What's the first letter of the Canadian alphabet?

Eh

Why are Canadians always happy?

Their beer is stronger.

As a Canadian I never realized how slow my internet was until today.

I just now started seeing Thanksgiving posts!

An American, a Frenchman, and a Canadian go on vacation to Saudi Arabia

...and once there, they are caught drinking smuggled alcohol. They are arrested, and each sentenced to 100 lashes by the whip as punishment.

Now the officer assigned to do the whipping says "It is my favorite wife's birthday, and she asked that I show a little compassion as I work today. I wi...

An american and Canadian are having a conversation

The american asks: “Is it true that Canadians apologise a lot?”

The Canadian thought about it for a while, shook his head, and replied:
“I’m sorry, I don’t know”

Did you hear about the French explorer who crashed his aircraft into a Canadian lake?

He drank too much Champlain.

I heard that all Canadians have the same blood type.

Apparently, they're all type Eh!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A ship crashes leaving 3 survivors... one French , one Canadian , and one American

They swim to the nearest island... as soon as they get there they are confronted by armed islanders
After explaining to the islanders how they ended up there ... the islanders tell them that in order to live they each have to complete a task.
The task is simple. Each one of them must go into t...

I used to be a cashier at a gas station on the Canadian border.

I would always ask what currency people would be paying with, but I stopped after a woman screamed at me for assuming her tender.

Canadian wildfire from BC turned back at USA border by customs and boarder patrol.

Upon admitting to smoking "fields of marijuana" on its way to the border, the fire was denied entry, and banned for life from entering the US.

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States...

Wandering aimlessly and starving, They are about to lie down and accept their death when all of a sudden Luis says.........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell? Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune,...

I heard a rumour about the Canadian Prime Minister

Not sure if it’s Trudeau.

Update 1: There are some rumours that are Justin.

If you scratch and sniff a Canadian dollar, you can smell maple syrup

If you scratch and sniff an American dollar, you can smell a stripper's pubic hair

Why do Canadians prefer Apple and Logitech products?

Because they are so apple-lo-gitech

Canadians are always viewed as nice and polite but so help me, if they invade the US...

They'll be sorry.

If the French always say "hon hon" then what do Canadian French speakers say?

"Honk honk"

What's a Canadian's favorite vitamin?

Eh

An British man, Canadian man and a Indian man walk are in a private maternity hospital.

The doctor tells them there's been a mix up and doesn't know who's baby is who's. The British man runs in and grabs the only brown baby and starts to walk out. The Indian man looks rely confused and says "I'm pretty sure that's not your baby it looks Indian so it's mine". The British man says "I kno...

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A Russian, a Frenchman, and a Canadian were in a bathroom together

They all finish their business and happen to be at the sinks at the same time. The Russian, noticing the two other men at the sink, says to them,

"In Russia, we were taught to be very conservative with our resources and therefore only use the amount of soap that is absolutely necessary."
...

Did you hear about the Canadian Prime Ministers defenestration fetish?

He'll throw you Trudeau's windows.

What do you call a group of Canadians?

An apology

Why do Canadians always beat Germans at hockey?

Canadians bring their 'eh' game; Germans bring their wurst.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Canadian Hosers Declare War on the United States

Newfoundland, Canada declares war on the U.S.A.

President Trump was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, President Trump, " a heavily accented voice said. "This is Archie, up ‘ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove, Newfoundland, Canada, eh? I am callin' to tells ya d...

I just passed my Canadian citizenship test.

I got an Eh plus.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How do you tell the difference between an Australian Police Officer, a Canadian Police Officer, an American Police Officer and a Scottish police officer?

QUESTION:You’re a policeman, on duty by yourself. You are walking on a deserted street late at night.
Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you and screaming something that sounds like obscenities, raises the knife and lunges at you.


You are ...

The Canadian president is an idiot

People often say I'm wrong but it's Trudeau

The difference between Canadian and American men...

Back during WWII, an American GI met a Canadian soldier fighting along side him. The two fought together throughout the war and both made it home safely.

After the war, the two returned to their respective homes and decided to marry their respective sweethearts. The two became such good fri...

A Canadian man went hitchhiking in Italy

He wandered aboot for three weeks.

A Texan, Indian, and a Canadian walk into a bar

They order a round of shots. The Texan slams back his shot, takes the glass and smashes it against the bar.

"Why did you do that?!" The Canadian asks.

"Well we have so much money in Texas we don't have to drink out of the same glass twice."

Next up is the Indian. He takes a his ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An elderly woman enters the Canadian National Bank with a bag full of money

She insisted she wanted to speak with the president of the National Bank in order to open an account, saying "a lot of money" was to be dealt with.

After some hesitation, the staff escorted the elderly woman to the president's office. The president asked how much money she wished to deposit i...