What’s a Canadian?

An unarmed American with health insurance.

[Long] An email from the AFTERLIFE

A Canadian couple needed a vacation in a warm climate at the end of a very cold winter. They booked a suite at an exclusive, Arizona desert resort. Because of a last minute business meeting, the wife had to leave a day later than her husband. After an early flight and then checking in at the resort,...

An American, An Englishman and a Canadian were walking through a jungle said to be infested with cannibals...

Immediately they are ambushed by a group of cannibals and taken to the cannibal leader.

The leader feels sorry for them and tells them that he will let them go if they pick up any fruit within a 3 mile radius, get it back to the cannibal camp and manage to swallow it without making any facial...

You may not believe that Blackface happened in Canadian Politics...

It's Trudeau.

A Russian, an American, and a Canadian

A Russian, an American, and a Canadian were at a bar.

The Russian says,"We were the first in space!"

The American says, "We were the first on the moon!"

The Canadian is silent for a while, and then exclaims confidently, "Then we shall be the first on the sun!"

Both give h...

My wife says I get mean when I drink whiskey. Now I drink Canadian whiskey.

I am still mean but I am apologetic aboot it. #sorry

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do Canadian women use a hockey puck instead of tampons?

Cuz they last for three periods.

(I am truly sorry)

Have you ever wondered why Americans spell it, "Color" or "Neighbor" and Canadians spell it, "Colour" and "Neighbour"?

It's because America doesn't care about you

A detective and his partner were tracking a thief--their two suspects were an Eskimo and a Canadian.

The detective had told his partner he knew it was the Eskimo, but he didn't have any hard evidence to support his theory.

Finally, at a stakeout, they caught the criminal in the act--and sure enough, as they emerged from the shadows, the perpetrator was the Eskimo. Vindicated, the detective...

Canadian guy: Let’s watch a movie.

American: Sure. How about The Titanic?

Canadian: What’s that about?

American: Yes. A big one. It sank.

A burglar breaks into a home and is caught by the homeowner. "WAIT, DON'T SHOOT ME, PLEASE!" the burglar screamed. The homeowner said,

"Relax, I'm Canadian, the wife is upstairs, flat screen is downstairs."

Today I asked a Canadian for her number...

But she said she was above us Americans...

So cold... :(

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so, and although his English was far from perfect, the couple got on very well.

One day, though, he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked if he could arrange a divorce for him, "Very quick!"

The lawyer explained that the speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked these questions: LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?"

POLE: "An acre and...

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A Canadian stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico.

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Co...

What do Canadian horses eat?

Ey

How do you get a group of drunk and rowdy Canadians out of a pool?

You walk up to them and say “please can you get out of the pool?”

What do Canadians say when exchanging gifts?

Just giver

U.S. singles may be bills, and Canadian singles may be coins...

...but Asian singles are in my area.

I've heard the Canadian Prime-Minister has a French last name.

Is this Trudeau?

Two Canadians die and end up in Hell.

The devil decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

The devil, annoyed, storms away and goe...

What does a Canadian Eskimo say when he’s fed up?

“I’ll have Nunavut!”

Where do canadians go clubbing?

To wherever the babyseal is running...

Every time an American makes fun of me for being Canadian

I go to the nearest hospital and get myself checked for free.

Why are Canadians so good at sports?

They always bring their eh game

How do you tell if someone is Canadian?

If they ask you your favourite colour

Where to Canadian alcoholics go to sober up?

Eh Eh

Did you hear about the Canadian chapter of the KKK?

They call themselves the Eh Eh Eh.

My canadian friend has a three legged moose for a pet

He calls him Mussolini.

What did the part First Nations, part French-Canadian pirate say after boiling a kettle on his 80th birthday?

Aye matey. I'm Métis. I made tea. I'm eighty.

I'm not an apologetic Canadian...

I'm sorry, I'm just not

God created Canada.

On the 6th day God turned to Archangel Gabriel and said: "Today I am going to create a land called Canada, it will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains,beautiful sparkling lakes bountiful with bass and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs over-l...

What did the Brazilian pig say to the Canadian geese?

I'm pork you geese!

What do you call Canadian police?

Maple Bacon

A Canadian accidentally bumped into a hard of hearing person.

Legend has it that they're still saying sorry to each other.

A Canadian and an Australian had a child

It’s first words: Good eh

Son: what’s a Canadian, mommy?

Mom: it's an un-armed North American with health insurance, honey.

How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in the pan?

You take away its broom.

What kind of beer does a Canadian drink while urinating?

An I pee ey!

What do you call a Canadian with 8 legs?

A Cunuktapus

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Canadian Government is considering forcing all large businesses to provide their employees with tampons and pads free of charge.

Businesses say the costs will be tough to absorb....

Why do Canadians Do it doggie style

So they both can watch the hockey game.

Two Canadians are drinking beers in a bar. One of them gets up.

His friend asks him, "Where are you going." "To the bathroom," he replies. "Why?" "I pee, eh?"

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How do Canadians reproduce?

Ehsexually.

Why are Canadians always over qualified for jobs in the US?

Because zero degrees in Canada is the same as 32 in the States.

What do you call a Mexican-Canadian pimp business?

Hoes, eh?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An American, a German, a Canadian, and a Jew are sent to a deserted island as part of a reality show.

They are told to bring one item each.

1. The American brings a smartphone

2. The German brings a book.
3. The Canadian brings a laptop
4. The Jew brings a blow up doll.

One year later, the Jew has a smartphone, a book, and a laptop.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Canadian, American, and Japanese guy get stranded on an island

The American guy says: "We really need to find some supplies for our survival."

The Japanese guy turns to him and says: "I'll get working on the supplies, you guys try to create a signal in case help arrives near the island", and with that the Japanese guy turns and runs into the forest on th...

Fence repair at the Canadian Parliament

Three contractors are bidding to repair a fence at the Parliament Buildings. One is from Montreal, another is from Winnipeg and the third is from Vancouver.
All three go with a public works official to examine the fence.
The Vancouver contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring...

Canadians are perfect retail workers.

They are excellent at apologizing for everything, even if it is not their own fault.

What did the homeless redditors say to the man who gave him a 50 dollar Canadian coin?

Thanks for the gold kind stranger!

What type of eggs do Canadians eat?

Grade eh

The Canadian prime minister might not be perfect

He's just n true tho.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An American, A Canadian and a Japanese were stranded in a deserted island

An American, A Canadian and a Japanese were stranded in a deserted island in middle of no where. They understood that until rescues arrived, they will need to work together in order to stay alive on the island. So they decided to divide up the tasks. The American points to the Canadian and says: "yo...

An elderly Canadian gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane

An elderly Canadian gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane. At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.

"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked, sarcastically.

The elderly gentleman admitted he ha...

Four Canadians arrived at an all-way stop sign from each direction at exactly the same time

They're still there

A Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Canadian

An Englishman a Frenchman and a Canadian all get lost in the woods and run into a tribe of Indians. The Indians tell them that they can choose how they die then they'll use their skin for canoes. So the Englishman asks for a gun yells long live the queen and shoots himself. The Frenchman asks for a ...

How do Canadians acknowledge Australian expats who have assimilated well?

Good eh, mate.

2 Canadians are sitting outside watching the night sky.

When the first guy asks the other “If you had to be one star in the night sky, which one would you be, eh?”

The second guy thinks for a moment and says “I’d probably be the brightest star in the sky.”

To which the first guy quickly responds “You can’t be Sirius A!”

What did the Canadian say when he was mad at his friend?

“That’s it, I’m having Nunavut, eh!”

What is the difference between Americans and Canadians?

L'attitude

I was shocked to find out that I had a little Canadian in me this whole time.

And he didn’t even perform well!

What's the best score Canadians get on their tests?

Eh's

A very Canadian joke

It's Grey Cup weekend in Vancouver... the Stampeders are playing the Argonauts at BC Place, and fans are flying in from all over the country to watch the game and join in the festivities.

It's kind of chaotic at the domestic arrivals terminal at YVR. Air Canada and WestJet flights are arrivin...

Two Canadian body builders were working out at the gym.

After they were done, they sat together in the locker room.

One turned to the other and said, "I'm sore, eh?"

The other said, "What for?"

Why are Canadians so smart

Because they always get strait eh’s

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American

She shares the joys of being a part of the greatest country in the world, and asks her students to raise their hands if they are or want to be American too. Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks.

There is, however,...

Why do Canadians make such good accountants?

Because they’re type eh?

A Canadian and American are grabbing a drink....

AMERICAN: “Hey, have you ever seen the movie Titanic?”

CANADIAN: “What’s that about?”

AMERICAN: “Yes! A really large one that sank. Based on a true event.”

Canadian humour

Did you know that Justin Bieber isn't the most famous Canadian Justin. I know it sounds wierd but it's Trudeau.

What do you call a Russian president that's also Canadian?

Vladimir Poutine

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bob and Doug are at the pub complaining about the harsh Canadian winter.

Bob finally says " Fuck it, let's get out here and fly somehere warm". So off they head to the airport looking for the first flight to anywhere that's sunny. As it happens there's a flight leaving straight away for Brisbane. Australia. They happily hop on looking forward to all that Aussie sunshin...

An American, a Brit, a Canadian, a Dane, an Ethiopian, a Frenchman, a Greek, a Haitian, an Irishman, a Jew, a Kiwi, a Lithuanian, a Mongolian, a Nigerian, an Omani, a Peruvian, a Qatari, a Roman, a Scotsman, a Uruguayan, a Venezuelan, a Western Saharan, a xenophobe and a Zimbabwean walk into a bar

The bartender says
"Im sorry, but you can't come in here without a Thai"

Did you hear about the failed Canadian plot to bomb Mexico with a nuclear missile?

It went south fast.

If you think about it we all start out Canadian

Drinking milk from bags.

As a Canadian I never realized how slow my internet was until today.

I just now started seeing Thanksgiving posts!

What did Canadians use to communicate during the various wars they fought?

Moose Code.

Anytime I hear a mean joke about Canadians, I immediately go to the hospital to get my feelings checked.

For free.

Who’s your favourite Canadian music icon that also practices advanced culinary technique which enhances the flavour of poultry at the atomic level?

Brine Atoms

A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker

were in Mexico arguing about which place had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.

The...

I love how Canadian money is Scratch n Sniff!

American money is too, just not intentionally.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why Must It Be This Way?

An American and a Canadian are sitting on a plane. After takeoff the Canadian leans back, and takes his shoes off, and begins to relax. The American, who is pinned in at the window, says, "Sorry to trouble you but our call light is broken. Could you get me a beer?"

"No problem," says the Can...

I heard a rumour about the Canadian Prime Minister

Not sure if it’s Trudeau.

Update 1: There are some rumours that are Justin.

Why do Canadian businessmen go clubbing after a big trade agreement?

To seal the deal

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