UPJOKE
quebecontarionew brunswickcanadabritish columbiafirst nationsottawanova scotiausaalbertaaustraliacountrycoastunited statesyukon

A Canadian visits America and gets held at gunpoint by a stranger

The stranger says, "give me all your money and I'll let you live!"

The Canadian replies gleefully, "Oh! You must be what they call a doctor!"

How do you get 100 Canadians out of a swimming pool in a hurry?

Say: "Would everyone please get out of the swimming pool."

A Canadian cop is watching the bar after last call (Long)

Recently, during a routine patrol, an RCMP patrolman parked down the street, outside a Legion Hall just off the main Street at Dauphin, Manitoba.

After last call, the officer observed a man leaving the Legion Hall. The gentleman was so intoxicated that he could barely walk. He then stumbled a...

How do you get a group of loud Canadians to leave a party?

You ask them.

You can tell that Wolverine is a Canadian character written by an American

His superpower is healthcare

What's a Canadians favourite board game?

Sorry.

As a French-Canadian with a successful plaid condom business, I feel I have a lot to offer on British monetary policy

But nobody wants a Quebecker with a checkered pecker as Chancellor of the Exchequer.

Two Canadians

Two Canadians die and end up in Hell. Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

Sat...

How do you get a Canadian to apologize?

Step on their foot.

When do Canadian sleep?

When Canadian Tire

Why don't Canadian women wear sleevless dresses?

Because they aren't allowed to bare arms.

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Fucking Canadians

Give them an inch.

They’ll take 2.54 centimeters.

How does a Canadian spell Canada?

C-eh-N-eh-D-eh

Why did the Canadian Siamese twins go to the UK on vacation?

So the other one could drive.

I had a test on canadian provinces today

I got nunavut right

A Scotsman goes to visit his Canadian cousin

They're out walking in the wilderness, when suddenly this huge moose walks past them. The Scotsman, having never seen one before, is astounded.

"What the bloody hell was that?" he asks.

"Oh, that?" the Canadian replies. "That's just one of our Canadian moose."

"Good God," the Sc...

God and Canadians

When God made Canadians, he made them polite, peace-loving, and nice.
But the Devil said, "you are disturbing the balance of nature".
God thought about it, and said, "you are right. But I don't want to undo my work."
Devil: "well, there is only one way to fix this."

So God created Ca...

ACTUAL transcript of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.

This radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10-10-95.

Americans: "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision."

Canadians: "Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision."

Americans: "This...

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A Canadian, an American and a Mexican were tasked by a billionaire with teaching his stubborn pet parrot how to speak within 2 weeks.

They were given everything they needed to succeed and a large sum of money was offered to the one who made the parrot talk first.

The Canadian played documentaries for the parrot through the whole duration, he spent all his time citing the alphabet and reading stories for the parrot.

T...

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A Canadian was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.

The Canadian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.

The American snapped his gum and said, "You Canadian folk eat the whole bread?"

The Canadian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course".

The American...

An amarican and a canadian wants to watch a movie together

American: Lets watch Titanic

Canadian: What's that about?

American: Yes, it was. A big one that sank!

The other day I bought Canadian insurance, but then I realized how stupid that was.

When am I gonna get attacked by a Canadian?

A man in the Canadian North tried to pitch me a pyramid scheme…

I said I don’t believe nunavut yukon!

My Canadian friend asks me to recommend a move.

Me: "Have you seen Titanic?"

Him: "What's it about?"

Me: "Yeah, a really big one. And it sinks."

A bear and a moose get into an argument in a Canadian forest.

They don't want to get into a fight, but they just want to prove which of them is stronger so they steal a piece of rope and the bear wraps it around the moose's antlers and holds the other end in its mouth.

They agree on three rounds, and they each get to choose their battlefield.

3, ...

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Is this winter gonna be cold?

The Indians on the Aamjiwnaang First Nation reservation in Grand Bend asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn’t tell what the winter was go...

What do Canadian geese, and Canadian truckers have in common?

They block the roads and honk

How do you get Canadian bacon to stop curling in the pan?

You take away the broom.

What is the first question on the Canadian Citizenship Exam?

Who’s sorry now?

A Canadian beer reference

How can you tell a man who likes Moosehead?

Antler marks on his thighs.

for the longest time I've been told that we canadians apologize for a lot of things that aren't even our fault in the slightest

So in the name of all canadians I'd like to apologize for that

Donald Trump was walking through Manhattan and saw a long queue.

Wondering what is was for, he joined it. People would look over their shoulder, see that is was Donald Trump behind them, and leave the queue, so he would proceed closer and closer to the front.
As he was getting closer to the head of the queue, he asked one guy, who also looked and was about t...

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diverse joke

>An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutane...

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The Canadian

A Canadian a Russian and a French guys are all armed with pistols and sitting around a camp fire.
The Russian pulls out a full bottle of Vodka, opens it and drinks about a quarter of it. He then throws it up into the air, draws his gun and shoot it.

The Canadian yells WTF?

The Russ...

American kid: Mommy, what's a "Canadian"?

Well, dear, that's an unarmed citizen with health insurance.

What Canadian holiday is celebrated on May 1st?

Maple Fool's Day

How do you know you're in a Canadian ghetto?

You can't find any cans on the side of the road.

I'm a Chinese Canadian...

But I prefer to be called an Eh-sian

A Canadian joke..

Three guys are fishing on lake Simcoe, and drinking a bit. After a while they fall asleep in the sun and the booze. After a while they wake up to realize, Bob is missing. "He must have fallen overboard!" Says Joe. "I'll jump in", says Gary.
After a few minutes Gary brings a body up to the boa...

Why do Canadians like to do it doggy style?

So they can both watch the hockey game.

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My friend said she’s only attracted to Canadians.

I guess she’s eh-sexual.

Sometimes I confuse Canadians and Americans

by using big words

A Canadian couple made province-shaped cookies

A baker in Canada thought it would be fun to bake cookies that were each in the shapes of Canada's provinces and territories.

"These look delicious," said her husband.

"Thanks!" she said. "And don't worry, I've made some of each shape so you're able to eat them."

"What do you me...

What’s a Canadians favorite kinda footwear…

Aboot

I've been studying Canadian Geese for many years with an obsession in the V shape flight pattern, 97% of the time one side of the V is longer than the other, But Why ? I consulted the top Ornithologist and through years of monitoring flight patterns I now know why

There are more Geese on that side !

What did the Canadian say to the other Canadian when they saw a guy in a giant pink bathtub sailing around in circles in the middle of Lake Ontario?

"What's that, a boat?"

Got the results for my Canadian citizenship test

Straight eh’s

As a Canadian, the Presidential Debate feels like...

As a Canadian, the Presidential Debate feels like overhearing your downstairs neighbours debating about whether or not to set the building on fire.

How do you know if your kidnapper is Canadian?

He pays your own ransom.

A Canadian was at an all-inclusive resort and was being a good guest by tipping the bartender.

However, he was really just using it as a opportunity to unload his old Canadian Tire money.

This went on all week until the last day. He approached bar, but his favourite bartender was not there. When he asked about him, he got some shocking news.

"I'm sorry sir, he didn't show up for...

What's the difference between Canadian milk and an incel?

One comes in bags, the other in socks.

Apparently, lots of Canadians use "married but dating" sites.

What a sorry state of affairs.

What do you call a Canadian gym?

A YMC, eh?

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What do Canadians call a wet pussy?

An eager beaver.

Only reason I thought of this was because I'm polishing my resume and looked up synonyms for self-starter, and one was eager beaver. One thing led to another, and I thought of this lol.

Why do Canadians do it doggy-style?

So they both can watch the hockey game.



(Told to me by my 11th grade English teacher, who should have known better. Shame on you, Mr. Avril.)

What do you call a Canadian pit bull?

An Onterrier.

Two Canadians die and go to hell.

Satan puts them in their own cell and turns up the heat to 49C, figuring that’s a good temperature to start newcomers. He comes back a while later to find the Canadians shirtless but smiling.

“It never gets this warm in Canada we’re enjoying while it lasts.” One of them explains when a mystif...

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Translation attempt: A Mexican, an American, and a Canadian compete with the Devil to see who gets out of hell

The Devil tells the three of them that whoever can fool him gets out of hell.

The Canadian is first. He is a good guy who never plays jokes on people, so he takes out a coin and makes a pretty basic magic trick. The Devil vaporizes him.

The American is next.

He walks towards th...

I asked my Canadian friend if he knew the word for where the land meets the sea.

He replied, "Oh ya, shore."

Why do Canadian cowboys have sticky feet?

Maple Stirrups.

A Canadian visits a small church while on holiday in Scotland.

The Canadian is intrigued by the intricately carved pulpit and, being something of a history buff, would like to know more about it so approaches the little old vicar.

"Excuse me sir, would you be so kind as to tell me what the pulpit is made of?"

"Aye. Wood."

"You would?"
...

Three Canadians are driving along, when their car breaks down, leaving them stranded. Who do they call?

Triple eh.

I saw someone rubbing an American coin with a Canadian coin, hoping they would conceive.

I thought to myself, "That doesn't make cents..."

Canadian query

Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was:

"Could you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food
Shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a massive failure because of the following:

1. In Eastern Europe ...

Who do Canadians hate more than the French?

French Canadians

(I’m sorry)

I was held captive by some French-Canadian terrorists...

They forced me to eat hundreds of meat pies.

It was tourtière.

My girlfriend recently left me and moved to a northern Canadian province.

She was having Nunavut.

A Canadian park ranger is giving some ramblers a warning about bears,

“Brown bears are usually harmless. They avoid contact with humans so we suggest you attach small bells to your rucksacks and give the bears time to get out of your way. However, grizzly bears are extremely dangerous. If you see any grizzly-bear droppings leave the area immediately.”

“So how d...

What days do Canadian stoners like the best?

I'm pretty sure they're all fried, eh?

When my Canadian friend gets out of bed...

... he shaves, showers, gets dressed and eats a big plate of fries with cheese curds and gravy.

That's his morning poutine.

Why did the Caribou marry a Canadian?

They really caribou-t each other!

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God is creating the world, and he talks to the canadians

He says to them “You will have the best land ever. It is beautiful, in the summer it is warm and in the winter it snows beautiful snow flakes. It is called Canada. You will have prosperity and food for all your days.”

He then gets the Australians, and says to them “I give to you Australia. Yo...

What's the most Canadian Battery?

Triple Eh!

My insanely clean Canadian Bee Joke.

My bee joke I crafted myself:
*My Canadian Bee Joke*


My Aussie friend Deidre is an Apiarists. She works with bees. Actually she likes to be called Dee.

She was in Canada recently doing research at a university and she said she noticed that when she describes her interactions w...

How was the Canadian able to put out a fire while vacationing in Mexico?

With the help of a hose eh.

What do you call a 60 year old Canadian woman who flys planes over the pacific ocean for living?

A pilot.

What’s a Canadian frogs favorite game to play?

Croak-“Eh”

As a Canadian I never realized how slow my internet was until today.

I just now started seeing Thanksgiving posts!

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An elderly woman enters the Canadian National Bank with a bag full of money

She insisted she wanted to speak with the president of the National Bank in order to open an account, saying "a lot of money" was to be dealt with.

After some hesitation, the staff escorted the elderly woman to the president's office. The president asked how much money she wished to deposit i...

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You know you're a Minnesotan Abroad if

You get weird looks if you ask for your pizza to be cut into squares.

You've gotten strange looks when you whipped out your Super America fuel card, your TCF Bank debit card, your Dunn Brothers gift card, or White Castle refillable cup at a gas station.

You're the only one in a t-shirt...

9th August 2021: a blond American woman is at the Canadian immigration counter......

The immigration officer is puzzled for a minute and then the light comes on.

"Thank you ma'am for that view but it is vaxxed not waxed'

I've heard the Canadian Prime-Minister has a French last name.

Is this Trudeau?

As a Canadian, I reserve the right to be unapologetically apologetic...

And for that, I apologize.

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A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so, and although his English was far from perfect, the couple got on very well.

One day, though, he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked if he could arrange a divorce for him, "Very quick!"

The lawyer explained that the speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked these questions: LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?"

POLE: "An acre and hal...

if a girl is being nice to you it doesn't mean she is flirting

She might be a Canadian

I heard a rumour about the Canadian Prime Minister

Not sure if it’s Trudeau.

Update 1: There are some rumours that are Justin.

Two Canadian body builders were working out at the gym.

After they were done, they sat together in the locker room.

One turned to the other and said, "I'm sore, eh?"

The other said, "What for?"

Did you hear about the Canadian being tried for treason?

He wouldn’t apologize.

I saw a Canadian Dollar outside of a container.

Looks like it just escaped the loonie bin.

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An American, A Canadian and a Japanese were stranded in a deserted island

An American, A Canadian and a Japanese were stranded in a deserted island in middle of no where. They understood that until rescues arrived, they will need to work together in order to stay alive on the island. So they decided to divide up the tasks. The American points to the Canadian and says: "yo...

Why are Canadians so good at sports?

They always bring their eh game

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Politically Correct joke

It's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority so:

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Gurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Dutch, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Chinese, a Jap, a Pakistani, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Portugese, a Rus...

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