UPJOKE
quebecontarionew brunswickcanadabritish columbiafirst nationsottawanova scotiausaalbertaaustraliacountrycoastunited statesyukon

A Canadian cop is watching the bar after last call (Long)

Recently, during a routine patrol, an RCMP patrolman parked down the street, outside a Legion Hall just off the main Street at Dauphin, Manitoba.

After last call, the officer observed a man leaving the Legion Hall. The gentleman was so intoxicated that he could barely walk. He then stumbled a...

A Canadian visits America and gets held at gunpoint by a stranger

The stranger says, "give me all your money and I'll let you live!"

The Canadian replies gleefully, "Oh! You must be what they call a doctor!"

Two Canadians

Two Canadians die and end up in Hell. Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

Sat...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Canadian, an American and a Mexican were tasked by a billionaire with teaching his stubborn pet parrot how to speak within 2 weeks.

They were given everything they needed to succeed and a large sum of money was offered to the one who made the parrot talk first.

The Canadian played documentaries for the parrot through the whole duration, he spent all his time citing the alphabet and reading stories for the parrot.

T...

Sometimes I confuse Canadians and Americans

by using big words

Transcripts of radio conversations of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid collision

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision

Canadians: Negative. Divert your course 15 degrees to the South

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy sh...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Canadian was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.

The Canadian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.

The American snapped his gum and said, "You Canadian folk eat the whole bread?"

The Canadian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course".

The American...

How do you get Canadian bacon to stop curling in the pan?

You take away the broom.

What Canadian holiday is celebrated on May 1st?

Maple Fool's Day

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So…

An Afghan, an Albanian, and Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguan, an Argintine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, ...

How do you know you're in a Canadian ghetto?

You can't find any cans on the side of the road.

A Canadian joke..

Three guys are fishing on lake Simcoe, and drinking a bit. After a while they fall asleep in the sun and the booze. After a while they wake up to realize, Bob is missing. "He must have fallen overboard!" Says Joe. "I'll jump in", says Gary.
After a few minutes Gary brings a body up to the boa...

I'm a Chinese Canadian...

But I prefer to be called an Eh-sian

American kid: Mommy, what's a "Canadian"?

Well, dear, that's an unarmed citizen with health insurance.

I've been studying Canadian Geese for many years with an obsession in the V shape flight pattern, 97% of the time one side of the V is longer than the other, But Why ? I consulted the top Ornithologist and through years of monitoring flight patterns I now know why

There are more Geese on that side !

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Canadian

A Canadian a Russian and a French guys are all armed with pistols and sitting around a camp fire.
The Russian pulls out a full bottle of Vodka, opens it and drinks about a quarter of it. He then throws it up into the air, draws his gun and shoot it.

The Canadian yells WTF?

The Russ...

A Canadian couple made province-shaped cookies

A baker in Canada thought it would be fun to bake cookies that were each in the shapes of Canada's provinces and territories.

"These look delicious," said her husband.

"Thanks!" she said. "And don't worry, I've made some of each shape so you're able to eat them."

"What do you me...

Donald Trump was walking through Manhattan and saw a long queue. Wondering what is was for, he joined it.

People would look over their shoulder, see that is was Donald Trump behind them, and leave the queue, so he would proceed closer and closer to the front.
As he was getting closer to the head of the queue, he asked one guy, who also looked and was about to walk away, "Wait a second, what is this...

How do you get a hundred drunk and rowdy Canadians out of your pool?

You say, “Please get out of the pool.”

What did the Canadian say to the other Canadian when they saw a guy in a giant pink bathtub sailing around in circles in the middle of Lake Ontario?

"What's that, a boat?"

How do you know if your kidnapper is Canadian?

He pays your own ransom.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend said she’s only attracted to Canadians.

I guess she’s eh-sexual.

What’s a Canadians favorite kinda footwear…

Aboot

What do you call a Canadian gym?

A YMC, eh?

What is a a Canadians favorite board game?

Sorry!

Apparently, lots of Canadians use "married but dating" sites.

What a sorry state of affairs.

Why do Canadians do it doggy-style?

So they both can watch the hockey game.



(Told to me by my 11th grade English teacher, who should have known better. Shame on you, Mr. Avril.)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do Canadians call a wet pussy?

An eager beaver.

Only reason I thought of this was because I'm polishing my resume and looked up synonyms for self-starter, and one was eager beaver. One thing led to another, and I thought of this lol.

What do you call a Canadian pit bull?

An Onterrier.

Got the results for my Canadian citizenship test

Straight eh’s

As a Canadian, the Presidential Debate feels like...

As a Canadian, the Presidential Debate feels like overhearing your downstairs neighbours debating about whether or not to set the building on fire.

A Canadian was at an all-inclusive resort and was being a good guest by tipping the bartender.

However, he was really just using it as a opportunity to unload his old Canadian Tire money.

This went on all week until the last day. He approached bar, but his favourite bartender was not there. When he asked about him, he got some shocking news.

"I'm sorry sir, he didn't show up for...

Why do Canadian cowboys have sticky feet?

Maple Stirrups.

If you say AT&T backwards

You sound like a Canadian Bomb Technician.

A Canadian visits a small church while on holiday in Scotland.

The Canadian is intrigued by the intricately carved pulpit and, being something of a history buff, would like to know more about it so approaches the little old vicar.

"Excuse me sir, would you be so kind as to tell me what the pulpit is made of?"

"Aye. Wood."

"You would?"
...

What's the difference between Canadian milk and an incel?

One comes in bags, the other in socks.

Three Canadians are driving along, when their car breaks down, leaving them stranded. Who do they call?

Triple eh.

I saw someone rubbing an American coin with a Canadian coin, hoping they would conceive.

I thought to myself, "That doesn't make cents..."

Who do Canadians hate more than the French?

French Canadians

(I’m sorry)

How was the Canadian able to put out a fire while vacationing in Mexico?

With the help of a hose eh.

Canadian query

Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was:

"Could you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food
Shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a massive failure because of the following:

1. In Eastern Europe ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

why do Canadians have sex dog style?

So they both watch the hockey game.

I was held captive by some French-Canadian terrorists...

They forced me to eat hundreds of meat pies.

It was tourtière.

How do you know someone is Canadian?

Because they will tell you without you asking.

My girlfriend recently left me and moved to a northern Canadian province.

She was having Nunavut.

What days do Canadian stoners like the best?

I'm pretty sure they're all fried, eh?

A Canadian park ranger is giving some ramblers a warning about bears,

“Brown bears are usually harmless. They avoid contact with humans so we suggest you attach small bells to your rucksacks and give the bears time to get out of your way. However, grizzly bears are extremely dangerous. If you see any grizzly-bear droppings leave the area immediately.”

“So how d...

What’s a Canadian frogs favorite game to play?

Croak-“Eh”

A seal asked the bartender for a drink...

He gave him a Canadian Club - on the rocks.

When my Canadian friend gets out of bed...

... he shaves, showers, gets dressed and eats a big plate of fries with cheese curds and gravy.

That's his morning poutine.

9th August 2021: a blond American woman is at the Canadian immigration counter......

The immigration officer is puzzled for a minute and then the light comes on.

"Thank you ma'am for that view but it is vaxxed not waxed'

Why did the Caribou marry a Canadian?

They really caribou-t each other!

Two Canadians die and go to hell.

Satan puts them in their own cell and turns up the heat to 49C, figuring that’s a good temperature to start newcomers. He comes back a while later to find the Canadians shirtless but smiling.

“It never gets this warm in Canada we’re enjoying while it lasts.” One of them explains when a mystif...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Translation attempt: A Mexican, an American, and a Canadian compete with the Devil to see who gets out of hell

The Devil tells the three of them that whoever can fool him gets out of hell.

The Canadian is first. He is a good guy who never plays jokes on people, so he takes out a coin and makes a pretty basic magic trick. The Devil vaporizes him.

The American is next.

He walks towards th...

I asked my Canadian friend if he knew the word for where the land meets the sea.

He replied, "Oh ya, shore."

What do you call a fascist Canadian wildlife?

Moose-olini

I came up with this in like 15 seconds

My insanely clean Canadian Bee Joke.

My bee joke I crafted myself:
*My Canadian Bee Joke*


My Aussie friend Deidre is an Apiarists. She works with bees. Actually she likes to be called Dee.

She was in Canada recently doing research at a university and she said she noticed that when she describes her interactions w...

What's the most Canadian Battery?

Triple Eh!

What do you call a 60 year old Canadian woman who flys planes over the pacific ocean for living?

A pilot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Politically Correct joke

It's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority so:

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Gurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Dutch, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Chinese, a Jap, a Pakistani, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Portugese, a Rus...

How do you get 127 Canadians out of a swimming pool?

You say "hey everyone it's time to get out of the pool now"

A seal walks into a bar...

The bartender asks, “ What would you like?”

"Anything but a Canadian Club on the rocks."

Pork, eh?

A Canadian guy walked into the kitchen and saw his Mexican roommate having dinner, so he said to him, "pork, eh?" And the the roommate said, "porque me gusta."

I saw a Canadian Dollar outside of a container.

Looks like it just escaped the loonie bin.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Medicine Wonders

An Israeli doctor says:
"In Israel, medicine is
so advanced that we cut off a man's testicles,
put them on another man, and in 6 weeks, he
is looking for work."
The German doctor says: "That's nothing, in
Germany we take part of a brain, put it in
another man, and in 4 weeks he ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

God is creating the world, and he talks to the canadians

He says to them “You will have the best land ever. It is beautiful, in the summer it is warm and in the winter it snows beautiful snow flakes. It is called Canada. You will have prosperity and food for all your days.”

He then gets the Australians, and says to them “I give to you Australia. Yo...

The convoy trucks are leaving Ottawa.

They're on the Highway to Hull.

(Canadians will get this joke)

There's a simple solution to Ukraine crisis!

Send in Canadian troops!

I've heard they like to make a meal of Poutine!

Did you hear about the Canadian being tried for treason?

He wouldn’t apologize.

As a Canadian, I reserve the right to be unapologetically apologetic...

And for that, I apologize.

I had a terrible nightmare

It was quite strange. I dreamt that the Canadian singer-songwriter Abel Makkonen Tesfaye had conquered the world and instituted a horrible system of forced labor. There was no alternative.

Everybody was workin' for The Weeknd.

As a Canadian I never realized how slow my internet was until today.

I just now started seeing Thanksgiving posts!

Canadians

Stop stereotyping Canadians. They're such nice people

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

doping olympics [translated from an old Russian anecdote, 2007]

Good day! We are reporting live from our special Olympics. At our Olympics there's no doping control at all. Yes, you heard it right, sportsmen are NOT tested for doping. Absolutely. So...


- Finnish sportsman has jumped 27 meters. A very good result indeed for a chess player.

- 13 ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so, and although his English was far from perfect, the couple got on very well.

One day, though, he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked if he could arrange a divorce for him, "Very quick!"

The lawyer explained that the speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked these questions: LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?"

POLE: "An acre and hal...

I've heard the Canadian Prime-Minister has a French last name.

Is this Trudeau?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An elderly woman enters the Canadian National Bank with a bag full of money

She insisted she wanted to speak with the president of the National Bank in order to open an account, saying "a lot of money" was to be dealt with.

After some hesitation, the staff escorted the elderly woman to the president's office. The president asked how much money she wished to deposit i...

What is the Tactical Division of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police called?

The Special Horses.

A Canadian asks an American to watch a movie together.

American: Have you seen the Titanic?

Canadian: What's that about?

American: Yes it was. A huge one that sank.

I have always head that Canadians are nicer than most other people...

... that’s not really Trudeau.

How do you best sink a Canadian Submarine?

You swim down and knock on the door. They're too polite not to open it and greet you.

The Canadians get sent to hell

So the rapture happens and all the Canadians get sent to hell because they didn’t hold the door or say sorry enough and the devil sees them celebrating. Bothered by this he asks “you’rein hell why are you celebrating“ and the Canadians respond “it’s like minus thirty where we live this is awesome. A...

US Battleship and Canadian Navy

I remembered an old joke I read awhile back. Some details may be off, but figured I had to share:

An American battleship ship is traveling at night around Canada when the radio comes on. It says "Canadian Navy to American Battleship, we have detected that you are on a collision course with us...

What do you call a depressed Canadian?

Red, white, and blue.

if a girl is being nice to you it doesn't mean she is flirting

She might be a Canadian

What do Canadians say when they see an oak tree?

Ok (oak-eh)

A Canadian, a Swiss, a German, a Mexican, a American, a Korean, a Austrian, a Brazilian, a Estonian, a Filipino, a British, a Egyptian, a Icelander, a Jamaican, a South African, a Puerto Rican, a Chinese, a Latvian, a Moroccan, a Taiwanese, a Spaniard, and a Romanian walk into a fancy restaurant.

The waiter stops them and says “Sorry, you can’t come in here without a Thai.”

A Canadian walks into a restaurant...

He orders some fish, and the waitress asks, "how would you like your fish cooked?"

He replies, "Friday."

Two Canadians in Kentucky

So these two Canadians are driving into Louisville, Kentucky and are arguing about how to pronounce the name of the city.

“Its pronounced Lou-is-vill…obviously” The oilman from Alberta says

“No, you see, it is French! It is pronounced Loo-ie-vee!” The guy from Quebec retorts.

Th...

What type of arthritis disproportionately affects Canadians?

Psorryatic arthritis.

How do Canadians take down enemy aircraft

With an Eh Eh gun!

What is the insurance for Canadian military veterans?

U-S-eh-eh

Four Canadians come to an intersection...

And they're still here to this day.

Why are Canadians so good at sports?

They always bring their eh game

Two Canadian body builders were working out at the gym.

After they were done, they sat together in the locker room.

One turned to the other and said, "I'm sore, eh?"

The other said, "What for?"

I heard a rumour about the Canadian Prime Minister

Not sure if it’s Trudeau.

Update 1: There are some rumours that are Justin.

As a Canadian, sometimes I worry my country will get taken over by the US

If it did, I'd be in a sorry state.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So The Canadian Government Is Changing The 2 Dollar Coin

Under pressure from the LGBT community the Canadian government is taking the Iconic polar bear off the 2 dollar coin and replacing it with 2 male deer mating.

Now everyone who has one will have “2 Fucking Bucks” in their pockets

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do Canadian women use a hockey puck instead of tampons?

Cuz they last for three periods.

(I am truly sorry)

A Canadian took their keyboard into their clubhouse...

Piano fort, eh?

The Canadian police kicked down my door to my meth lab

Thankfully i was able to escape while they were trying to fix my door.

Canadians and British are very upset about yesterday's events.

They are no longer the only ones that rushed the Capitol.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An American, A Canadian and a Japanese were stranded in a deserted island

An American, A Canadian and a Japanese were stranded in a deserted island in middle of no where. They understood that until rescues arrived, they will need to work together in order to stay alive on the island. So they decided to divide up the tasks. The American points to the Canadian and says: "yo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A contest is announced for all the police agencies in the world

A contest is announced for all the police agencies in the world and after all the qualifying rounds were completed three police agencies were shortlisted for the finals, the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, France National Police and NYPD.

Just so it happened that a tiger was terrorizing a near...

My 91 year old Canadian Grandmother just told me this joke.

Two Newfoundlanders were driving to Toronto.
They passed a sign that said: Toronto LEFT.
Distraught, they turned around and drove back home.

My Canadian girlfriend's blood type is very rare

" EH +"

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.