Why do Canadians like to do it doggy style?

So they can both watch the hockey game.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend said she’s only attracted to Canadians.

I guess she’s eh-sexual.

What do you call a Canadian cartoon?

Anim-eh

Why did the Caribou marry a Canadian?

They really caribou-t each other!

As a Canadian, the Presidential Debate feels like...

As a Canadian, the Presidential Debate feels like overhearing your downstairs neighbours debating about whether or not to set the building on fire.

Two Canadians die and go to hell.

Satan puts them in their own cell and turns up the heat to 49C, figuring that’s a good temperature to start newcomers. He comes back a while later to find the Canadians shirtless but smiling.

“It never gets this warm in Canada we’re enjoying while it lasts.” One of them explains when a mystif...

Why do Canadian cowboys have sticky feet?

Maple Stirrups.

Two Canadians die and end up in Hell.

Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hel...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you get 20 Canadians out of a pool on a hot summer day?

Blow a whistle and say, "Everyone out of the pool, please!” How do you get 20 Americans out of a pool on a hot summer day? Blow a whistle and say, "For your own good and the safety of others, stay in the fucking pool!”

What do you call a stoned Canadian before the weekend?

Fried, eh?

Canadian jokes I thought of today....please be kind lol

What kind of insurance do Canadians have?
Eh eh r p

What do Canadians put on their steak?
Eh 1

A Canadian cop is watching the bar after last call (Long)

Recently, during a routine patrol, an RCMP patrolman parked down the street, outside a Legion Hall just off the main Street at Dauphin, Manitoba.

After last call, the officer observed a man leaving the Legion Hall. The gentleman was so intoxicated that he could barely walk. He then stumbled a...

Canadians

Stop stereotyping Canadians. They're such nice people

When my Canadian friend gets out of bed...

... he shaves, showers, gets dressed and eats a big plate of fries with cheese curds and gravy.

That's his morning poutine.

As a Canadian, I reserve the right to be unapologetically apologetic...

And for that, I apologize.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Simple Economics

SOCIALISMYou have 2 cows.You give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and sells you some milk

NAZISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and shoots you

BUREAUCRATISMYou hav...

Canadian #1: What can I get for ya there bud?

Canadian #2: Oh I’d like this fancy car please.

Canadian #1: Well how about that, would you like the stock model or can I interest you in some upgrades?

Canadian #2: I’d like all the bells & whistles and upgrades ya got please.

Canadian#1: Well you must be quite wealthy th...

I asked my Canadian friend if he knew the word for where the land meets the sea.

He replied, "Oh ya, shore."

If you say AT&T backwards

You sound like a Canadian Bomb Technician.

What do Canadians call the joints in their fingers?

Canuckles, eh!

How do you keep Canadian bacon from curling in you frying pan?

Take away their little brooms.

What do you call a fascist Canadian wildlife?

Moose-olini

I came up with this in like 15 seconds

Did you hear about a Canadian honor roll student?

He gets straight eh's

What do Canadians say when they see an oak tree?

Ok (oak-eh)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian...

An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, ...

What is the Tactical Division of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police called?

The Special Horses.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Translation attempt: A Mexican, an American, and a Canadian compete with the Devil to see who gets out of hell

The Devil tells the three of them that whoever can fool him gets out of hell.

The Canadian is first. He is a good guy who never plays jokes on people, so he takes out a coin and makes a pretty basic magic trick. The Devil vaporizes him.

The American is next.

He walks towards th...

Two Canadians in Kentucky

So these two Canadians are driving into Louisville, Kentucky and are arguing about how to pronounce the name of the city.

“Its pronounced Lou-is-vill…obviously” The oilman from Alberta says

“No, you see, it is French! It is pronounced Loo-ie-vee!” The guy from Quebec retorts.

Th...

What kind of beer do Canadians get when they head towards the bathroom.

IPA

A Canadian took their keyboard into their clubhouse...

Piano fort, eh?

What is the insurance for Canadian military veterans?

U-S-eh-eh

Canadians and British are very upset about yesterday's events.

They are no longer the only ones that rushed the Capitol.

What do you call a polite pig?

Canadian Bacon.

I just got my test on Canadian history back

I got an Eh+

How was the Canadian able to put out a fire while vacationing in Mexico?

With the help of a hose eh.

My Canadian girlfriend's blood type is very rare

" EH +"

My Canadian friend went to a fight last night..

and a hockey game broke out.

I have always head that Canadians are nicer than most other people...

... that’s not really Trudeau.

A baby seal walks into a bar, and the bartender says, “What’ll it be?”

The baby seal answers, “Anything but a Canadian Club on the rocks.”

My 91 year old Canadian Grandmother just told me this joke.

Two Newfoundlanders were driving to Toronto.
They passed a sign that said: Toronto LEFT.
Distraught, they turned around and drove back home.

What's a Canadians favorite song?

Y-M-C-EH


Sorry if it's been told before, inspiration by u/photogent

US Battleship and Canadian Navy

I remembered an old joke I read awhile back. Some details may be off, but figured I had to share:

An American battleship ship is traveling at night around Canada when the radio comes on. It says "Canadian Navy to American Battleship, we have detected that you are on a collision course with us...

Four Canadians come to an intersection...

And they're still here to this day.

What do you call a depressed Canadian?

Red, white, and blue.

An American and a Canadian go skydiving

An American and a Canadian go skydiving. This is the first solo jump for the both of them. The plane lifts off and the instructor gives them their last instructions:

"When the light above the door turns green, you can jump."

The Canadian (who is a major stutterer) asks:

"w-w-w-w...

What type of arthritis disproportionately affects Canadians?

Psorryatic arthritis.

Did you know that Isaac Newton was actually Canadian?

He had to have been. He proved that F=M, eh.

As a Canadian, sometimes I worry my country will get taken over by the US

If it did, I'd be in a sorry state.

The American Music Awards opened with a performance by a Canadian.

Is it too late to say sorry?

How do Canadians take down enemy aircraft

With an Eh Eh gun!

A Canadian visits a small church while on holiday in Scotland.

The Canadian is intrigued by the intricately carved pulpit and, being something of a history buff, would like to know more about it so approaches the little old vicar.

"Excuse me sir, would you be so kind as to tell me what the pulpit is made of?"

"Aye. Wood."

"You would?"
...

Can you believe the Canadian prime minister's name isn't Trump?

It's Trudeau...

Have you hear about the new Canadian strain of Covid-19?

Most people infected are eh symptomatic.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

God is creating the world, and he talks to the canadians

He says to them “You will have the best land ever. It is beautiful, in the summer it is warm and in the winter it snows beautiful snow flakes. It is called Canada. You will have prosperity and food for all your days.”

He then gets the Australians, and says to them “I give to you Australia. Yo...

What's a Canadians favourite alcoholic beverage?

A mi-moose-a!

Transcript of a radio conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision. Over.

Americans: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision. Over.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision...

How can you tell if someone is Canadian

Don’t worry, they’ll tell you.

A Scottish Canadian man called me on my radio talk show. He started insulting me and repeating what I said in a weird voice

It was call-in mockery

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so, and although his English was far from perfect, the couple got on very well.

One day, though, he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked if he could arrange a divorce for him, "Very quick!"

The lawyer explained that the speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked these questions: LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?"

POLE: "An acre and hal...

A Canadian walks into a restaurant...

He orders some fish, and the waitress asks, "how would you like your fish cooked?"

He replies, "Friday."

A Canadian, a Swiss, a German, a Mexican, a American, a Korean, a Austrian, a Brazilian, a Estonian, a Filipino, a British, a Egyptian, a Icelander, a Jamaican, a South African, a Puerto Rican, a Chinese, a Latvian, a Moroccan, a Taiwanese, a Spaniard, and a Romanian walk into a fancy restaurant.

The waiter stops them and says “Sorry, you can’t come in here without a Thai.”

The Canadian police kicked down my door to my meth lab

Thankfully i was able to escape while they were trying to fix my door.

What does a canadian and a stuttering kid have in common?

Eh

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Aussie, the Yank and the Canadian were having a bullshit session on this cruise ship.

The Aussie said, “In Australia we have sheep that are so big they take all day to be shorn.”

The Yank said, “That’s nothing, in Texas our cattle are so big the steaks have to be turned with a fork lift.”

The Canadian said, “That’s nothing, we have women with pussies this big.” (He then...

I'm still convinced Jesus was actually Canadian

Why else would he always be asking his men if he could get an "eh"?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So The Canadian Government Is Changing The 2 Dollar Coin

Under pressure from the LGBT community the Canadian government is taking the Iconic polar bear off the 2 dollar coin and replacing it with 2 male deer mating.

Now everyone who has one will have “2 Fucking Bucks” in their pockets

A french canadian owned a primate as pet. While walking his pet in a mixed neighbourhood, the primate snatched his car key and ran off. The guy shouted for help.

Mon Key!!!!

The Canadians get sent to hell

So the rapture happens and all the Canadians get sent to hell because they didn’t hold the door or say sorry enough and the devil sees them celebrating. Bothered by this he asks “you’rein hell why are you celebrating“ and the Canadians respond “it’s like minus thirty where we live this is awesome. A...

What’s a seal’s favourite drink?

Canadian Club on the Rocks

A Canadian walks into a bar

A Canadian walks into a bar and sees two large ladies. He asks, "are you two ladies from Scotland?"
The ladies, furious, reply, "Wales! Wales!"
The man turns back, "I apologise. Are you two whales from Scotland?"

What do Canadians get on their report card

Staight EH'S

What is every half Canadian-Russian conflicted about

Their love for Poutine

Do you know why Canadian women like it doggie style?

They want to watch the hockey match, too.

A guy in a Canadian city wants to get hammered.

He goes up to the local pub with a strong man blocking his way.

"I want to drink the night away!"

The muscular guard takes off his sunglasses and says,

"What would you do for a Klondike bar?"

Hopefully, Biden will never be the leader of my country

Because if he is, something‘s gone wrong with the Canadian legal system

What is an Asian Canadian's preferred soup?

Miso Sorry

The Canadian government spends more time and money taking care of other countries than its own people in poverty

You may think I’m wrong but it’s Trudeau

The Canadian Conservative Party Leadership Convention is taking so long...

Justin Trudeau managed to create another scandal.

- Mommie, what is a Canadian?

\- It's an unarmed North American with health insurance, sweetie.

Canadian Gunslingers

Why were there no gunslingers in the Canadian Old West?

I don't know but it couldn't of been because of their mittens.

I've heard the Canadian Prime-Minister has a French last name.

Is this Trudeau?

Two men from Texas were in Canada for winter break.

At their cabin they met two canadians. The day after they decided they had to get food, so naturaly they decided to go ice fishing. To make it a bit more fun, the two guys from Texas decided to show the canadians how great America was, by beating them in an ice fishing competition. The canadians acc...

The Pope is visiting Canada.

After completing his visit, the Canadian government gives him a chauffeur-driven car to see the natural beauty of Canada. After 20 kilometers through Canada, he says to the driver:

"Oh, let me get behind the wheel. I'm from the narrow Papal States, and I always have to sit in the back of the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The leaders of the free world gather to discuss the problems of a struggling nation

The French start: "The Age of Enlightenment started here. We'll help spread progressive ideas."

The Germans follow: "We have a very stable economy, we'll help lower national debt."

The Japanese join in: "Our scientist are the best in the world. We pledge to help battle the spreading di...

I tried to translate a joke from Canadian

Did you hear about the war between Nova Scotia and Newfoundland?. ? The newfies were throwing grenades the Nova Scotians were pulling the pins and throwing them back

A Canadian research team has made history by freezing mice to temperatures of absolute zero.

Animal rights groups are outraged by the cruel tests performed on the animals.

But they’ll be 0K.

Why are Canadians so good at sports?

They always bring their eh game

Canadian joke eh!

Why did the Northwest Territories split?

They were halving Nunavut.

What is a Canadian's favorite board game?

Sorry!

A Canadian asks an American to watch a movie together.

American: Have you seen the Titanic?

Canadian: What's that about?

American: Yes it was. A huge one that sank.

True story ( I hope you see the humour)

Back in the 50’s in Sou’West Nova Scotia the roads were not very good and the fog was always very thick which made driving difficult for even the best drivers.
My father at 17 was in the Canadian Navy, got drunk, got into a fight and landed himself in jail. This was about an hours drive from wher...

What do you call a Canadian who puts away their winter clothes in May?

An optimist.

A Canadian logging company needed to hire another lumberjack.

The first guy to apply was a short little skinny fellow, who was laughed at by the manager and told to leave.

"Just give me a chance," the little guy pleaded.

"Okay," the manager replied, "Grab your axe and cut down that cedar over there."

Two minutes later he was back at the ma...

What did the canadian dino wear to keep warm?

A Jurassic Parka

As a Canadian I never realized how slow my internet was until today.

I just now started seeing Thanksgiving posts!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do Canadian women use a hockey puck instead of tampons?

Cuz they last for three periods.

(I am truly sorry)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Four soldiers are in a public bathroom...

An American soldier steps away from the urinal, turns on the water, uses five or six pumps or soap to wash his hands and takes a big wad of paper towels to dry them. He says to the others, "in the US Army, we are taught to use what we have to to get the job done".

A German soldier backs away ...

A Canadian tells an American he's spelling everything wrong. The American responds:

no u

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

why have canadians begun mixing weed & tim hortons coffee?

shits & giggles

Hunting trip with the boys.

A Canadian, Native American, and a Newfie go on a hunting trip. On their first day of the hunt the Canadian comes back from his solo hunt with a magnificent moose. The Newfie then asks, "how did you get the moose?" The canadian replied, "i follow tracks and i get moose." On the second day, the Nativ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An elderly woman enters the Canadian National Bank with a bag full of money

She insisted she wanted to speak with the president of the National Bank in order to open an account, saying "a lot of money" was to be dealt with.

After some hesitation, the staff escorted the elderly woman to the president's office. The president asked how much money she wished to deposit i...

Two Canadian body builders were working out at the gym.

After they were done, they sat together in the locker room.

One turned to the other and said, "I'm sore, eh?"

The other said, "What for?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Canadian drove into the US in hopes of visiting Orange County.

He stopped at the first gas station he saw and asked the attendant for directions.

“Orange County?!” exclaimed the attendant. “You’re in fucking New York! Get out of my station, you crazy son of a bitch.”

The Canadian left, puzzled by the attendant’s impoliteness. He decided to drive ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An American, A Canadian and a Japanese were stranded in a deserted island

An American, A Canadian and a Japanese were stranded in a deserted island in middle of no where. They understood that until rescues arrived, they will need to work together in order to stay alive on the island. So they decided to divide up the tasks. The American points to the Canadian and says: "yo...

My wife says I get mean when I drink whiskey. Now I drink Canadian whiskey.

I am still mean but I am apologetic aboot it. #sorry

Did you hear abute the organization that advocates for Canadians’ gun rights?

The “NR, eh?”

Scotsman on holiday: what's yon beast over there?

Canadian: That's a moose!

Scotsman: Och, If that's a moose, how big are your cats?

A Russian, an American, and a Canadian

A Russian, an American, and a Canadian were at a bar.

The Russian says,"We were the first in space!"

The American says, "We were the first on the moon!"

The Canadian is silent for a while, and then exclaims confidently, "Then we shall be the first on the sun!"

Both give h...

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