Actual transcript of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. This radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10-10-95...

*US Ship*: "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision."

*Canadians*: "Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision."

*US Ship*: "This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course."

*Canadians*: "N...

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After spending some time in Canada, I think I'm only attracted to Canadians now.

You could say I'm eh-sexual.

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why have canadians begun mixing weed & tim hortons coffee?

shits & giggles

How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in the pan?

Take away the tiny broom.

How the Canadians prepare their army

A new recruit arrives on the front lines during world war 2. When he gets there he is told resources are stretched thin and they have not rifles to spare him, although they still expect him to go on patrol. He goes straight to his captain and explains the situation, the captain hands him a broom and...

Some people say the Canadian prime minister does not like dressing up like a black person.

But it's Trudeau.

You may not believe that Blackface happened in Canadian Politics...

It's Trudeau.

Two Canadians die and end up in Hell.

The devil decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

The devil, annoyed, storms away and goe...

A Canadian logging company needed to hire another lumberjack.

The first guy to apply was a short little skinny fellow, who was laughed at by the manager and told to leave.

"Just give me a chance," the little guy pleaded.

"Okay," the manager replied, "Grab your axe and cut down that cedar over there."

Two minutes later he was back at the ma...

An American, a Canadian and a Mexican walk into a bar.

The barman asks: "What is this, a joke?"

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I got tired of being the polite Canadian in the group that always says "Excuse me" when he burps sneezes or yawns, so I've been trying out something a little different. Now it's "Achoo!...

, Fuck You!"

...and New Yorkers have been treating me way better.

Whats another name for a canadian bank?

A Loonie Bin

Everyone thinks that Canadians hate Trump

It's Trudeau

How do you know the difference between an American and Canadian Stripper?

Bills don't leave bruises

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What's the difference between an outdoor cleaning machine and a person who likes to give oral sex to Canadian men?

There isn't one. They're both leafblowers.

Congratulations to Justin Trudeau on the results of the Canadian Election

He always did want to be a minority.

How do Canadians express indifference?

M eh

What do you call a Canadian fight ring?

A hockey game.

An American, An Englishman and a Canadian were walking through a jungle said to be infested with cannibals...

Immediately they are ambushed by a group of cannibals and taken to the cannibal leader.

The leader feels sorry for them and tells them that he will let them go if they pick up any fruit within a 3 mile radius, get it back to the cannibal camp and manage to swallow it without making any facial...

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A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so, and although his English was far from perfect, the couple got on very well.

One day, though, he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked if he could arrange a divorce for him, "Very quick!"

The lawyer explained that the speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked these questions: LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?"

POLE: "An acre and...

Why does Donald Trump hate the new Canadian government?

Because it’s a minority.

Congratulations, you've won a free vacation across Canada! You have a choice between experiencing the vast Canadian Arctic, or everything else that Canada has to offer.

You either see all of it, or Nunavut.

Is a cowboy with his foot across the Canadian border in Canada?

Just aboot

A Russian, an American, and a Canadian

A Russian, an American, and a Canadian were at a bar.

The Russian says,"We were the first in space!"

The American says, "We were the first on the moon!"

The Canadian is silent for a while, and then exclaims confidently, "Then we shall be the first on the sun!"

Both give h...

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(OC) Why don’t Canadians participate in international spelling bees?

Because the judges say they use too many letters, eh?

My wife says I get mean when I drink whiskey. Now I drink Canadian whiskey.

I am still mean but I am apologetic aboot it. #sorry

Canadian visits friend in the states

Canadian: "How is it 30 degrees here in October?"

Friend: "The real question is, how is it 30 degrees THERE in October?"

An ode to the Canadian Thanksgiving: How do you keep a turkey in suspense?

I will tell you tomorrow.

Have you ever wondered why Americans spell it, "Color" or "Neighbor" and Canadians spell it, "Colour" and "Neighbour"?

It's because America doesn't care about you

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A Canadian stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico.

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Co...

What’s a Canadian?

An unarmed American with health insurance.

What did the Canadian say when asked how she felt about the Northern provivences?

“I like Nunavit”

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Why do Canadian women use a hockey puck instead of tampons?

Cuz they last for three periods.

(I am truly sorry)

What's another word for a Canadian spy?

A double Eh 'gent

I've heard the Canadian Prime-Minister has a French last name.

Is this Trudeau?

What makes Canadians so nice?

They're always so cool.




Sorry I know it's bad..

A detective and his partner were tracking a thief--their two suspects were an Eskimo and a Canadian.

The detective had told his partner he knew it was the Eskimo, but he didn't have any hard evidence to support his theory.

Finally, at a stakeout, they caught the criminal in the act--and sure enough, as they emerged from the shadows, the perpetrator was the Eskimo. Vindicated, the detective...

A joke for visually impaired Canadians...

So there's this guy who gets up every morning at the same time for work. Every morning he sees his neighbor, who is blind, leave his house with his white cane and go for a walk.

Well one morning the guy gets up and looks out his window and sees his blind neighbor, but to his astonishment, the...

After our first date, this girl told me things wouldn't work out because I was "too Canadian"...

I told her I'm sorry and offered her our homemade maple syrup and pancakes, and two tickets to tomorrow night's hockey game for wasting her time. I'm still not sure what she meant by "too Canadian" though.

Canadian guy: Let’s watch a movie.

American: Sure. How about The Titanic?

Canadian: What’s that about?

American: Yes. A big one. It sank.

How do you get a group of drunk and rowdy Canadians out of a pool?

You walk up to them and say “please can you get out of the pool?”

U.S. singles may be bills, and Canadian singles may be coins...

...but Asian singles are in my area.

I'm not an apologetic Canadian...

I'm sorry, I'm just not

Why are Canadians so good at sports?

They always bring their eh game

Today I asked a Canadian for her number...

But she said she was above us Americans...

So cold... :(

What does a Canadian Eskimo say when he’s fed up?

“I’ll have Nunavut!”

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An Englishman, an Irishman,...

a Scotsman,a welshman, a Frenchman, a German, an Italian, a Swede, two Finns, a Norwegian, a Dane, a Greenlander, an Austrian, a Hungarian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Latvian, an Estonian, a Russian, a Turk, an Egyptian, a Palestinian, an Israeli, a Greek, a Macedonian, a Chinese guy, a Japanese guy,a ...

What do Canadian horses eat?

Ey

Where to Canadian alcoholics go to sober up?

Eh Eh

What do Canadians say when exchanging gifts?

Just giver

What did the part First Nations, part French-Canadian pirate say after boiling a kettle on his 80th birthday?

Aye matey. I'm Métis. I made tea. I'm eighty.

My canadian friend has a three legged moose for a pet

He calls him Mussolini.

Did you hear about the Canadian chapter of the KKK?

They call themselves the Eh Eh Eh.

Son: what’s a Canadian, mommy?

Mom: it's an un-armed North American with health insurance, honey.

A Canadian accidentally bumped into a hard of hearing person.

Legend has it that they're still saying sorry to each other.

What kind of beer does a Canadian drink while urinating?

An I pee ey!

A Canadian and an Australian had a child

It’s first words: Good eh

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The Canadian Government is considering forcing all large businesses to provide their employees with tampons and pads free of charge.

Businesses say the costs will be tough to absorb....

Why are Canadians always over qualified for jobs in the US?

Because zero degrees in Canada is the same as 32 in the States.

Fence repair at the Canadian Parliament

Three contractors are bidding to repair a fence at the Parliament Buildings. One is from Montreal, another is from Winnipeg and the third is from Vancouver.
All three go with a public works official to examine the fence.
The Vancouver contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring...

An elderly Canadian gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane

An elderly Canadian gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane. At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.

"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked, sarcastically.

The elderly gentleman admitted he ha...

Every time an American makes fun of me for being Canadian

I go to the nearest hospital and get myself checked for free.

How do you tell if someone is Canadian?

If they ask you your favourite colour

What did the Brazilian pig say to the Canadian geese?

I'm pork you geese!

Why do Canadians Do it doggie style

So they both can watch the hockey game.

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How do Canadians reproduce?

Ehsexually.

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A Canadian, American, and Japanese guy get stranded on an island

The American guy says: "We really need to find some supplies for our survival."

The Japanese guy turns to him and says: "I'll get working on the supplies, you guys try to create a signal in case help arrives near the island", and with that the Japanese guy turns and runs into the forest on th...

Two Canadians are drinking beers in a bar. One of them gets up.

His friend asks him, "Where are you going." "To the bathroom," he replies. "Why?" "I pee, eh?"

What did the Canadian deer say to her boyfriend when he forgot their anniversary?

Do you even caribout me?

What did the sarcastic Canadian say when it started raining?

It's a grade-A grey day...how great, eh?

Canadians are perfect retail workers.

They are excellent at apologizing for everything, even if it is not their own fault.

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An Afghan...

An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, ...

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you te...

2 Canadians are sitting outside watching the night sky.

When the first guy asks the other “If you had to be one star in the night sky, which one would you be, eh?”

The second guy thinks for a moment and says “I’d probably be the brightest star in the sky.”

To which the first guy quickly responds “You can’t be Sirius A!”

What do you call a Canadian with 8 legs?

A Cunuktapus

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An American, A Canadian and a Japanese were stranded in a deserted island

An American, A Canadian and a Japanese were stranded in a deserted island in middle of no where. They understood that until rescues arrived, they will need to work together in order to stay alive on the island. So they decided to divide up the tasks. The American points to the Canadian and says: "yo...

What do you call a Mexican-Canadian pimp business?

Hoes, eh?

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An American, a German, a Canadian, and a Jew are sent to a deserted island as part of a reality show.

They are told to bring one item each.

1. The American brings a smartphone

2. The German brings a book.
3. The Canadian brings a laptop
4. The Jew brings a blow up doll.

One year later, the Jew has a smartphone, a book, and a laptop.

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An English police officer, a Canadian police officer, and an American police officer see a black man walking with a machete...

The English police officer thinks to himself: "hmm, could this man be carrying a machete as a religious or cultural tradition, would it be acceptable to apprehend him or would I be considered racist, maybe..." *stab*

The Canadian officer yells to the man: "Sir, drop the weapon" no response "S...

Two Canadian body builders were working out at the gym.

After they were done, they sat together in the locker room.

One turned to the other and said, "I'm sore, eh?"

The other said, "What for?"

A Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Canadian

An Englishman a Frenchman and a Canadian all get lost in the woods and run into a tribe of Indians. The Indians tell them that they can choose how they die then they'll use their skin for canoes. So the Englishman asks for a gun yells long live the queen and shoots himself. The Frenchman asks for a ...

A seal goes into a bar...

The bartender says,"What'll it be Mr. Seal?"

The seal replies,"Anything but a Canadian Club."

What type of eggs do Canadians eat?

Grade eh

What is the difference between Americans and Canadians?

L'attitude

Four Canadians arrived at an all-way stop sign from each direction at exactly the same time

They're still there

A very Canadian joke

It's Grey Cup weekend in Vancouver... the Stampeders are playing the Argonauts at BC Place, and fans are flying in from all over the country to watch the game and join in the festivities.

It's kind of chaotic at the domestic arrivals terminal at YVR. Air Canada and WestJet flights are arrivin...

As a Canadian I never realized how slow my internet was until today.

I just now started seeing Thanksgiving posts!

What did the Canadian say when he was mad at his friend?

“That’s it, I’m having Nunavut, eh!”

What's the best score Canadians get on their tests?

Eh's

[Long] An email from the AFTERLIFE

A Canadian couple needed a vacation in a warm climate at the end of a very cold winter. They booked a suite at an exclusive, Arizona desert resort. Because of a last minute business meeting, the wife had to leave a day later than her husband. After an early flight and then checking in at the resort,...

I was shocked to find out that I had a little Canadian in me this whole time.

And he didn’t even perform well!

Canadian humour

Did you know that Justin Bieber isn't the most famous Canadian Justin. I know it sounds wierd but it's Trudeau.

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Bob and Doug are at the pub complaining about the harsh Canadian winter.

Bob finally says " Fuck it, let's get out here and fly somehere warm". So off they head to the airport looking for the first flight to anywhere that's sunny. As it happens there's a flight leaving straight away for Brisbane. Australia. They happily hop on looking forward to all that Aussie sunshin...

Why are Canadians so smart

Because they always get strait eh’s

An American, a Brit, a Canadian, a Dane, an Ethiopian, a Frenchman, a Greek, a Haitian, an Irishman, a Jew, a Kiwi, a Lithuanian, a Mongolian, a Nigerian, an Omani, a Peruvian, a Qatari, a Roman, a Scotsman, a Uruguayan, a Venezuelan, a Western Saharan, a xenophobe and a Zimbabwean walk into a bar

The bartender says
"Im sorry, but you can't come in here without a Thai"

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Trudeau, Scheer and Singh are on a private jet.

Scheer throws a hundred dollar bill out the window and says "I'll make 1 Canadian happy". Trudeau doesn't want to look bad so he throws 2 $50 bills out the window and says " I'm going to make 2 Canadians happy". Singh throws 100 loonies out the window and says "Ha! I'm making 100 Canadians happy". T...

A Canadian and American are grabbing a drink....

AMERICAN: “Hey, have you ever seen the movie Titanic?”

CANADIAN: “What’s that about?”

AMERICAN: “Yes! A really large one that sank. Based on a true event.”

What do you call a Russian president that's also Canadian?

Vladimir Poutine

Anytime I hear a mean joke about Canadians, I immediately go to the hospital to get my feelings checked.

For free.

Who’s your favourite Canadian music icon that also practices advanced culinary technique which enhances the flavour of poultry at the atomic level?

Brine Atoms

I heard a rumour about the Canadian Prime Minister

Not sure if it’s Trudeau.

Update 1: There are some rumours that are Justin.

Oldie

The UN organised a 30 minutes meeting where they asked one question to all attendees:

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

It was a huge failure.

The Africans didn't know what "food" meant.

In Eastern...

If you think about it we all start out Canadian

Drinking milk from bags.

A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker

were in Mexico arguing about which place had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.

The...

What did Canadians use to communicate during the various wars they fought?

Moose Code.

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A Canadian man, a Japanese man, and an American man are in a plane.

They’re on a hijacked plane and the terrorist demands that they each drop something out of the plane capable of killing someone.

The Canadian drops a bag of coins, hoping that someone can use those coins for good use.

The Japanese drops a katana, to honorably and quickly kill whoever w...

Did you hear about the failed Canadian plot to bomb Mexico with a nuclear missile?

It went south fast.

An american and Canadian are having a conversation

The american asks: “Is it true that Canadians apologise a lot?”

The Canadian thought about it for a while, shook his head, and replied:
“I’m sorry, I don’t know”

I love how Canadian money is Scratch n Sniff!

American money is too, just not intentionally.

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An elderly woman enters the Canadian National Bank with a bag full of money

She insisted she wanted to speak with the president of the National Bank in order to open an account, saying "a lot of money" was to be dealt with.

After some hesitation, the staff escorted the elderly woman to the president's office. The president asked how much money she wished to deposit i...

Two men are roommates in a hospital. Because they are both weak from sickness, the men are unable to speak for weeks.

Finally, one man says to the other, “American.”



His roommate replies, “Canadian.”



Another week goes by and the first man says weakly, “Danny.”



The roommate can only reply, “Phil.”



Another week passes and the first man mutters to his roommat...

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