This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A farmer quickly purchased land in a low-lying depression and began raising donkeys there. He did so with skill and the donkeys rarely got away.

Long story short, he hauled ass to amass asses in a hole asset, whole-ass not half-ass, lassoed the asses so that they wouldn't bypass the ass hole.

A pilot and a copilot are getting ready to land their plane on an exotic foreign runway on a foggy day

The pilot says “I’ve heard that this runway is pretty short, so why don’t you go ahead and give me quarter flaps, so we can slow this plane down. The copilot acknowledges, and gives quarter flaps.

As they begin to see the runway through the fog, they start to see how short the runway is. The ...

why does the python live on land?

it's above c level

A sailor lands a shore after 3 months at sea

He heads straight for the brothel and grabs the nearest hooker, he takes her upstairs and get straight to business

After 10 minutes he asks the hooker "how am i doing?"

"About 3 knots" she says.

"3 knots?!" The sailor said puzzled.

"Yes, you're not hard, you're not in, an...

An Englishman, Irishman, Welshman, Scotsman were captured while fighting in a far-off foreign land,

and the leader of the captors said, "We're going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn. But first, you each can make a final wish."

The Englishman responds, "I'd like to hear "God Save The Queen" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, played by the ...

Why don't Native Americans like snow?

It's white and settles on their land

I recently started a business disguising prayer mats as land mines

Profits are through the roof!

A Foreigner wants to borrow land

\[Long\]

A Foreign man named "Paste" is looking to invest in a plot of land but is short 1/2 of the total cost.


The land he wants and feels is right for him is in the town of "Ugh" but unfortunately he lives in "Um".

He walks into the local Bank and talks to an employee w...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The year is 2100. Earth has been ravaged by a variety of natural and man-made disasters. All the flatlands are now seabeds after the ice caps have melted. Most of the planet's land is barren wasteland. Barely any oxygen is produced, and most animal life has died out.

All you can hear is cockroaches and The Rolling Stones 2100 Tour.

My dad bought a new farm, so he asked me to move the chicken coop over to the new land

It was a very heavy bird den

In a hospital serving victims of land mines, a little girl wakes up from surgery.

Little Girl: Doctor, something is wrong... I can't feel my legs! 

Doctor: Yes, we've had to amputate both your arms.

What kind of eels can travel on land?

Wheels.

King Hype Oten ruled all the land.

He was the magnificent king of the Triangular Kingdom, but he was also the executor for those on trial. He hung his victims, a sign to everyone else. But the way he tied the noose was strange. It would kill people in seconds, and for some, it decapitated them. After he died, the noose was never used...

A king was going on a conquest on a faraway land

He was going to be leaving his young wife in their castle for who knows how long. He thought to himself: "I don't know how long i will be away but i need to make sure no one will have intercourse with my wife while i am away".

So he put a chastity belt on his wife & kept the key. He begg...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do Disney Land and Viagra have in common?

They both cause you to stand around for an hour waiting for a two minute ride.

Hippos can run faster than humans on land, and swim faster than humans in water.

Which means the bicycle is your only chance of beating a hippo in a triathlon.

Two flies land on a pile of manure.

One fly passes gas. The other fly looks at him and says, “Hey do you mind? I’m eating here.”

3 Mountain Men Are Sitting in a Bar Trying to decide What to Name Their Newly Settled Land

They throw all the letters of the alphabet into a hat and draw them out one at at a time.

​

The first draws, "'C', eh."

The second, "'N', eh."

The third, "'D', eh."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Airforce Pilot, an Army Engineer, and a Marine crash land in a rainforest...

They are surrounded by a tribe of cannibals and are approached by the Chief of the tribe. The Chief says that they are gonna eat them and use their skin for canoes, but they get to choose how they die. The Pilot chooses to kill himself with his sidearm, the Engineer asks for some fast acting poison....

Here a fun fact, the Soviet Union didn’t use land mines,

They used land ours.

A man walks through the African wild lands and sees an elephant in distress.

He goes close to it but slowly, knowing that they can become enraged very quickly. Upon closing in on it, the elephant stops trumpeting and looks at the man. There was a minute of intense staring between the two, the man noticed an obvious mark on one of its tusks like a tiny dark grey diamond. Slow...

An Israeli lands in New Delhi Airport. Reaches the passport control

-Name?
-David Cohen
-Age?
-32
-Occupation?
-No, just sightseeing... For now

Constantine XI : Ships can't walk on lands

Mehmed II the Conqueror: Hold my Kebab

[Possibly OC] How excited was Wendy to go to Neverland?

She was so excited that she nearly Peter Pans.

What do you call Napoleon after he stepped on a land mine?

Napoleon Blownaparte

If you drop a piano down a mineshaft, what in what key will it play when it lands?

A flat minor.

Cow land

Two cows are standing in a field.
One says to the other "Are you worried about Mad Cow Disease?"
The other one says "No, It doesn't worry me, I'm a horse!"

Which mammal is known to spend most of it's life in air but gives birth on land?

Student : Air Hostess

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One day people will land on Mars. Search for the rover, dust him off and give it the treatment it deserves.

A robo bro blow job.

What did Pharaoh say when the seventh plague struck his land?

"Aw *hail* naw!"

Why did Elon Musk choose SpaceX to land on the moon?

Cause if he chose SpaceY, it would have landed on a 14 year old boy.

It was a dark time in Vegetable Land.

The neighboring Fruit Kingdom had launched an invasion months before, and the starchy defenders had fallen quickly to the acidic and citric attackers. After a long campaign, the country had finally fallen and only a few vegetables could meet underground to discuss the future of the resistance. At th...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A plane is spotted trying to land at Area 51

One day at Area 51 a radar tech spots a single engine plane on final approach to the secret Air Force base. The plane touches down and is immediately surrounded by armed guards. The plane is impounded and the pilot is whisked off for questioning. The pilot claims that he had been flying from Las Veg...

When the missionaries came, we had the land and they had the Bible.

They said 'Let us pray' and we closed our eyes.

When we opened them, we had the Bible and they had the land.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A married couple from Alabama are walking through the countryside when they see a spaceship land.

They go to have a closer look when from within the ship two aliens emerge. They say they are from Mars and are on a mission to have sex with a human couple and would the humans oblige. The Alabama couple say sure, why not. The Martian female goes off with the human male back into the spaceship while...

Where do flying pigs land?

The airpork

I was driving by some land that was for sale

I was driving by some land for sale and was wondering the price. It was a lot.

Edit. First time submitting. Hope you liked it!

How do you land a plane?

Hurry up, I can see the runway.

Europeans did promise land and peace for the natives. They didn't get what they wanted but what can you expect?

They were just white lies after all.

Right after I got my PhD in theoretical physics, I was able to land a job at Stanford!

My first shift starts tomorrow, after the senior janitor gives me a quick rundown.

What do Spanish speakers say when they find someone illegally crossing their land?

This is bad. Alexa play trespassito.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A fly is sitting alone on a pile of crap. A fly lands next to him and says,

Is this stool taken?

An employee is absent.

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employee was absent without giving any prior notice.

Needing to have an urgent work problem resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted by a child's whispered, "Hello."

"Is your Daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," ...

An American ship is next to German land

Captain: "May day! May day! We are sinking!!"

German receiver: "What are you sinking about?!"

There once was a guy who lived in the land of Reddit.

He had a neighbor named r/jokes. Now, everyday when he left home for work, and when he returned home that evening, he saw jokes in his backyard. One day he got curious and decided to spy on jokes and see what he was doing. Jokes was constantly renovating the fence between there houses. Every day he ...

NASA was preparing for the Apollo project

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, some of the training of the astronauts took place on a Navajo reservation.

One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question that his son translated. "What...

After months, the person who keeps piling dirt on my land is now using sand.

The plot thickens.

A mosquito was trying to land on my arm.

I shook it and said:
"Not on my watch"

Young Billy Finally Lands a Date for the Prom

He really wants to impress her, so he decides to rent a tux. However, when he gets to the rental place, people are queued up out the door. He doesn't let this stop him, though. He takes his place in line and gets to waiting.

Finally, after waiting for over an hour, he gets fitted and pays for...

If a plane tries to land but can't deploy its wheels, what sound does it make when it bounces off the ground?

Boeing

An old Vermonter who lives right on the Massachusetts boundary has his land surveyed...

After the survey was complete and the new map was made, it turned out that he had been living in Massachusetts all this time.

​

"Good" said the old man. "I can't take any more of those Vermont winters!"

​

A flying saucer lands on Earth and an alien is brought before the UN.....

He's asked, "Why have you come to earth?"

He replies, " I have come to this world to spread the word about our lord and saviour Jesus Christ."

Shocked they ask, "You've heard of Jesus too?"

Yes he comes to my planet every 10 years or so, works a few miracles. Tells us where we'...

Corporal Bread is patrolling through the jungle when suddenly his squad gets ambushed. An incendiary grenade lands by his feet and explodes in a ball of flame. Private Panini exclaims, "Is he dead?!"

The sergeant sombrely replies, "He's toast"

LPT: If you're flying a small aircraft and you have to make an emergency landing, try to land on a golf course. There is a better chance that there may be a doctor on the course to treat any injuries.

... you might be able to take out a few lawyers on the ground as well.

I returned home late from work one night to find a 2004 Land Rover had crashed into the front of my house.

It was an awful Discovery.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Once, in a faraway land, there was this doctor who was a professional trickster...

This doctor was quite popular, but he had a big, bad secret; he deceives people. How? Well, let's just say a patient walks into his office with an illness. The doctor, after doing some checkups, gives his prescription for a medicine, which he even gives for free. It turns out, however, that the medi...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Snow white was kicked out of fairy land

Apparently she was caught sitting on pinocchios face screaming "lie to me you little shit!"

How do crabs get around on land?

They use the sidewalk.

It's National Talk Like A Pirate Day; so what did one sailor say to the other when he yelled 'Land Ahoy!'

arrr ye shore

An American man visits the Holy Land...

An American man visits the Holy Land with his wife and mother-in-law. Sadly the mother-in-law died. When seeing the local Israeli undertaker, it was explained that they could ship the body home for $5,000. But if they buried her locally it would cost only $150. The man said to the undertaker "We'll ...

A cemetery superintendent was hoping to approve newly donated lands for internment

The Holy Cross Cemetery had received a surprise donation that would double the real estate of their current holdings, which were already overcrowded.

The lead undertaker, Arthur Falconer, was tasked by the superintendent with surveying the new land to plan how to layout the new headstones....

The farmer thought the picture showed too much land...

...so he cropped it!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally, sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska, as far from humanity as possible

. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it, and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

"Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up...

There was once a land, far away, and many years ago, that had three kingdoms around a triangular lake.

There was once a land far away and many years ago that had three kingdoms around a triangular lake. They often warred and casualties were fierce. So they agreed to hold a tournament of all their champions on an island in the middle of the lake. The first being rich and influential sent twenty Knight...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Once Apon a time, the Chief samurai of the land was sick, and needed to chose his successor

Only three people singled up. A Japanese Samurai, a Chinese Samurai and a Jewish samurai.

The Japanese Samurai went first. He opened a box with a fly in it. With one swipe of his blade, the fly fell done, cut in two.

The Chinese Samurai went next. He opened another box with a fly in ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I hate it when flys land on me.

Makes me feel like shit.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The lions decide to claim the land that is rightfully their own

"We have ruled over these creatures for long enough, we deserve to take ownership of their homes." The lions pondered, so decide to take action.

Firstly they met with the timid rabbits, and ask "Hello Mr and Mrs Rabbit, can we have your property?" And the rabbits curl in fear and exclaim "Of ...

"What should we call this thing in the ocena that is land?"

How about island?

"That seems too obvious"

What if we pronounced it weird

"Perfect"

A Texas rancher was visiting a farmer in Israel.

A Texas rancher was visiting a farmer in Israel. The proud Israeli showed him around. "Here is where I grow tomatoes, cucumbers, and squash. Over there I built a play set for my kids, next to the doghouse," the farmer said.

The land was tiny, and the Texan was surprised by its small size. "Is...

There were two spas, Spa Land and Spa Sea

Spa Land was earning so much money and the owner was very pleased about it. However, he could not say the same about the other. You see, Spa Land was built in the city and therefore attracted many customers. Spa Sea, on the other hand, was built on the sea, several miles after the shore. He was in t...

I used to be that area where water meets land...

But now I'm not so shore.

Why a Netherlander pilot can't never land his plane?

The Flying Dutchman can never make port.

When Noah reached land, he threw open the ark doors and said, "Go forth and multiply".

When all the animals cleared out, only a pair of confused looking snakes remained.

"Didn't you hear me? Go forth and multiply!" Said Noah, annoyed.

"We can't" replied one of the snakes. "We're adders".

La La Land wins Oscar in Best Picture

But Moonlight won the popular vote

[LONG] A man is trying to land his dream job of being a barber...

For months he’s been studying proper haircutting technique. He has painstakingly flipped through each page of the most rigorous hair textbooks, watched video tutorials from the best salons, and read countless articles about current hairstyles.

Finally, it was the day of his job interview. He ...

What does a pair of dirty socks have in common with a land war in Asia?

The stench of de feet.

A Brit lands in Sydney, and is awaiting passport control

His turn comes and he steps to the agent.

The agent asks his name, and the Brit gives it.

The agent asks his occupation, and the Brit gives it.

The agent asks, “Have you ever been convicted of a crime?"

The Brit responds, “Right, so that's still a requirement?"

Why is the ocean so salty?

Because the land doesn't wave back.

Three guys in a plane crash land on a deserted island.

One day, several years later, a bottle washes up on the beach. One of the guys opens it to reveal that it contains a genie! The two others rush over when they see what's going on.

The genie says "Normally, I give the person who finds my bottle three wishes, but since there are three of you, I...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Death in the holy land.

A irishman and his ever nagging wife were on holiday in Jerusalem when the wife died suddenly. The undertaker said it will cost £5000 to ship her home or £50 to bury her here.

The husband said ship her home. The undertaker said "but Sir why don't you bury her in the Holy Land and save the mo...

In the land of poker, different people had different toilets. The peasants had toilets that flushed clockwise, and the nobles had toilets that flushed counterclockwise. The king had neither.

He had a straight flush.

Why are Martians always green when they land on Earth?

Turbulences

What’s the difference between a man who owns land and one who doesn’t?

A lot.

A minister is vacationing through the Holy Land

And is taking a historical trip to all of the sights associated with Jesus. Finally, he reaches the Sea of Galilee, where he is planning on taking a ferry boat across the water. Once he gets up to the ticket counter, however, he is shocked to learn the outrageous price of a ticket, and has to unfort...

Two blondes are going to Disney Land

At the turn off, they see a sign saying "Disneyland left"

They went home crying.

I have a story for you. A guy pours cement all over a plot of land...

and then the plot thickens.

I suffered a work-related injury on the set of the latest "The Land Before Time" movie, but my insurance refused to cover it

I asked them why but the rep. just said "we don't cover pre-existing conditions."

Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale La La Land?

Edit: *Moonlight. My bad.

What did Sea say to land when he asked if she wanted to meet up sometime

Shore

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is ship wrecked on an island with a dog and a goat...

Several months go by and he’s horny as ever and decides he needs some action from someone or something. So the goats not looking half bad. But whenever he tries to make a move on the goat, the dog gets jealous and snaps and growls at him until he backs off.

So some time goes by and eventually...

Do you think the ocean is salty cause the land never waves back?

I'd be salty too

The fastest land animal

is a guy that sees a woman about to go through his phone.

I walked into a shop. "I need a fence to stop people trespassing my land."

He said, "Wire fence?"


I said, "I just told you the reason."

The Holy Land isn't a fake place

Israel

A woman must walk 5 paces behind...

Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict.

She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walked behind their husbands, despite the ...

Ancient Rome conquered many lands. The leader of the time decided to tour...

He made it to England where he encountered a type of weather he had never seen before. As the frozen rain fell he asked "what is this?!"

The commander replied "Hail, Cesar".

Cesar replied "Hail! Now, what is this weather?"

...

...

"It's horrible."

"Agree."

Duck hunting in a village

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in a village. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I sho...

Welcome to America, land of the red, white and blue

Red necks, white trash and blue collars

North Korea will send man to Sun in 10 years

Kim Jong-un announced in a news conference that North Korea would be sending a man to the sun within ten years!

A reporter said - "But the sun is very hot. How can your man land on the sun?"

There was a stunned silence. Nobody knew how to react.

Then Kim Jong-un quietly answer...

Who's in charge in the land of geometry?

The rulers.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click herefor more information.