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My wife says if this post gets a 1000 likes, I can get anal on my cake day

Please upvote because I want this house to be spotless

I've posted 9 puns here in this sub but none of them got upvoted. If this one doesn't either, then...

...no pun in ten did

I got banned from /r/Jokes for posting, "Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms!"

Mods said I'm a cereal reposter...

Does anyone remember the joke I posted about a chiropractor recently?

It was about a week back

A lot of people won’t like me for posting this

This

Why are there so many NSFW posts

It's not like we have jobs

My sister came up with this. What begins with a P, ends with an E and has a million letters in it

Post office

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Would I post a bad joke on my cake day?

You butter believe it.

Post Malone has started his own Student Loan Service in an attempt to lift the burden off of new graduates

It's called "Post Malone's Post Pone Ma Loans"

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Post nut clarity can be devastating

it's like cumming to your senses

Roses are red, reposting is lame,

[this post was removed due to a copyright claim.]

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Anna complained to her friend Julia how she sometimes found it difficult to initiate sex with her husband.

"I know a simple trick,” Julia said.
“Whenever I want to have sex with Peter, I gently put my hand on his dick and say:
*Your dick is very cold, do you want me to warm it up for you?*
And that's it! Works every time!”
Anna was impressed, and said she would try it when her husband...

I made a post but had to take it down.

Someone took a fence.

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I tried to post my opinion on mushrooms

But it was a shittake!

I wanted to post a joke about time travel…

…but most of you didn't like it.

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There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address.

He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read: “Dear God, I am an 83-year-old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was a...

Why will the U.S. Post Office never issue a Donald Trump stamp?

Because 60 percent of Americans would spit on the front side, and 40 percent would lick the back side.

A dog goes into a post office to send a telegram...

The clerk gives him the relevant form and he goes to the desk to fill it in.

When he has finished he hands it back to the clerk with the fee and the clerk reads it through.

The message reads ” Woof woof, woof woof woof; woof woof, woof woof woof.”

The clerk then tells the dog th...

If trump wins the election, I will leave the United States

If Biden wins the election, I will leave the United States

This is not a political post, I just want to travel

Santa has been reading all your posts.

Most of you are getting dictionaries.

This one is a bit of a long one so just bear with me. It is a joke commonly said among post soviet people

Stalin sits at his usual table, in the glorius kremlin studying the map of eastern germany. His pencil sitting proudly beside him. Comrade Stalin looks away for a split second, and the pencil is gone! Stalin takes out a second pencil and places it on the table. Looks the other way again and the seco...

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The Post Turtle

An old man was in the ER having a wound stitched up.

As they chatted the subject eventually turned to politics.
The Dr. asked the man his thoughts on President Trump.

The old man told him that Trump was a post turtle.
Not understand the term the Dr. asked the man what a post turt...

What do you get if you mix human DNA and whale DNA?

Banned from Seaworld



Cake day so time to Karma Farm, and I can't see this joke posted

My 10 year old Son just came up with this one and I couldn't be more proud: What's Batman's favourite fruit?

A Banananananananananananananananana

EDIT: Thank you everyone for the awards and kind words! Just to clarify:

* Yes, he does know the 60's batman theme. My partner loves campy batman so it was inevitable. [The Simpsons](https://youtu.be/TQepz5rsS6E?t=88) also made sure of that.
* Gi...

Why are there 2 d's in Reddit

The second one is a repost

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I'm posting this from my job as a scrap lumber inspector at a hardware store. (x-post from r/dadjokes)

I'm feeling a little board.

Why was my post removed

Can someone from admin please explain to me why my post was removed?

I'm really annoyed about this because now my fence has fallen over.

A werewolf stenographer starts a YouTube channel from his post on a U-boat:

Lychan Sub Scribe

This was the year I got all I wanted: a girlfriend, a steady job, and many new friends. All I could want for the next year is...

to be able to post this in a different sub.

To celebrate my cake day, I decided to post a joke

I got more birthday wishes than my real-life birthday.



[Reddit, thank you for years of facts, hobbies, jokes, and hundreds of unproductive hours]

What do you call Post Malone after he forgot his phone overseas?

Post Ma Phone

A major arrives at a remote post. “Where’s your lieutenant?” he asks a private.

“Sir, there isn’t a lieutenant assigned to this post.”

“I was told there was.”

“No, sir, no lieutenant here.”

“I’m pretty sure there is.”

The private thinks about it for a moment. “Well, Major, if I may ask you a question, imagine you took the word ‘rifle’ and removed the...

I was going to post a joke about free and fair elections....

But I’m not sure the Americans will get it.

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My first time posting here, made up this one late night so, please be gentle with me kind stranger...

So a Cambodian guy walks into a bar,
He orders a drink from the bartender.
The bartender was new to the place and hasn't seen much foreigners so confused by the customer's race he makes conversation saying.
"Hey your people are famous for their great sushi I've heard"

The guy looks...

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a rum and coke, but the bartender hands him an apple.

"What the hell is this? I ordered a rum and coke," the guy protests.

"Just take a bite of the apple," says the bartender. So, the guy bites the apple, and his eyes light up.

"Hey this apple tastes just like rum! What did you soak it in it?"

The bartender tells him, "Turn it arou...

My doctor refuses to post my diagnosis to social media...

He says my disease is untweetable...

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I found this in the comments of another post. Credit to op. A woman can fake an orgasm for the sake of a relationship

A man can fake a relationship for the sake of an orgasm

Did you know Boy George loves to regularly post jokes on Reddit?

He is a real Karma Comedian!

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Guy visits his favourite Dominatrix

He puts his money on the bedside table and says “I’ve been bad, mistress. I need to be punished.”

She makes him strip and bend over as she whips his quivering bottom.
Next she makes him crawl into bed and ties him securely to the bedposts.

She runs her whip over his flesh and, as he...

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A man walks into a bar. He says "Ow!" A different man walks into a post. He says "Fuck!" Another man walks into a pole...

And he yells back "PATRZ GDZIE IDZIESZ!"

A Collie was talking about how hard he works on the farm where he lives.

A nearby sheep piped up 'YOU don't work hard, all you do is boss US around.' 'WHAT DID YOU SAY' shouted the collie. 'You herd me' the sheep replied






Edit: thanks for all the upvotes, this is my first post ever on here!!!

Edit 2: removed emoji

The job posting said they were looking for a self-starter

so I called and told them I was hired.

How do you know if a Vegan joke is a re-post?

[OC]

It's been on "Here Bivore."

What's the difference between a post and a repost?

about 5 minutes.

She went missing !

Husband: My wife is missing. She went mountain biking yesterday and has not come home!

Officer: Age?

Husband: I'm not sure. Somewhere between 25 and 35. We don't do birthdays.

Officer: Height?

Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

OFFICER : Weig...

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I overheard my neighbor say she had a shitty day, so I anonymously sent her a meat lover’s pizza

She’s a vegan and I hate her fucking guts

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A man applies for a government job

A man goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"OK, have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."

The...

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Im proud to announce, that I officially lost my virginity

God I wish I could post this in another subreddit

I like my reddit posts the same way I like my boyfriend's pants

\[removed\]

I posted a joke about inertia earlier

But it doesn’t seem to be gaining any momentum.

My boss calls me "the computer"

Nothing to do with intelligence,
I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes

EDIT thank you all so much this is my first ever post to hit 1k upvotes and get awards
2nd edit wow 3k this post has blown out my previous record of 789 out of the water thank you so much

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Husband goes to a police station, says ‘My wife is missing!’

Husband goes to a police station...
“My wife is missing! She went out yesterday and has not come home...”

Sergeant at Police Station:
“What is her height?”

Husband:
“Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall

Sergeant:
“Weight?”

Husband:
“Don't know. N...

Saw this notice posted outside a volunteer fire company in December... "Remember to water your Christmas tree..."

..."or we will come and water it for you."

pre means before and post means after,

to use both at the same time would be...



preposterous

I would give a shout-out to everybody who posts original jokes and then those jokes get reposted.

But there's no option to give Creddit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"I can't think until after I ejaculate,"

I came to realize.





*edit:* thank you for the awards! My mom's going to be so proud I got my first ones on a pun about post-nut clarity!

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An Irish daughter (Probably been posted before but still a favorite)

An Irish daughter had not been to the house for over five years. Upon her return, her father cussed her out, "Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't you know what you put...

The year is 2028 and /r/Jokes is still going strong.

A new user gets on to /r/jokes and sees the most upvoted joke just says "28"

The second most upvoted joke says "3915"

The third most upvoted joke says "756"

He can't see why they're getting so many upvotes, so he comments "These aren't jokes, they're numbers"

The mod repl...

You know what happens when you post a Legend of Zelda song on YouTube...

A copyright strike is imminintendo.

I was looking forward to showing my teacher my reddit post, but she got sick.

So, the subreddit

A man walks past a house that has a sign posted up saying "Boat for sale" and decides to check it out

As he's walking up the driveway, all he sees is an old car and a grill.

Confused, he knocks on the door and asks the Jamaican home owner, "hey, I can see that you have a sign out front saying you've got a boat, but all I can see is an old car and a grill.."

"Ya mon!" the Jamaican home...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife said if this post gets 1000 upvotes she'll give up her anal virginity tonight!

Please don't. She's out of town on business until Tuesday.

I was going to post a Dad-joke about eyeballs.

But I think it would be too cornea for you all.

I was going to post a joke here about social security

Then It occurred to me that you probably wouldn’t get it

Why is it so hard for me to get karma?

Apparently for everyone else, it's a piece of cake.

(It is my understanding that you must post something on your cake day).

I saw a Facebook post from an old friend the other day

He’d been diagnosed with stage four lung cancer. He’d been a smoker all his life so I wasn’t too surprised. Everyone was commenting on the post and wishing him well, but I decided to go out of my way to show him I really cared. First, I called the local market and had them send a basket of pears to ...

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Singles on a deserted island

A luxury cruise ship offered a cruise for young singles only. But halfway through the voyage, the ship crashed. The Captain had been having a affair and didn't see the giant rock formation. The cruise ship went down in record time (as did the Captain). Most people on board were too drunk to act fast...

I asked Siri for a joke to post here

She turned on my selfie camera

What do you call an average radio?

Stereo typical

My thirteen-year-old came up with this and I promised to post it to Reddit.

Coming up with a good Reddit post is usually pretty hard.

But today it’s a piece of cake!

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