UPJOKE
positionplacestakeofficeoutpostsendjobmailspotberthsituationstationbrandfatherhoodmilitary post

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There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail with illegible addressesโ€ฆ

One day, a letter came addressed in shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:

โ€œDear God,

I am an 83-year-old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which...

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My wife says I can get anal on my cake day if this post reaches front page

Please donโ€™t make that happen, she has been dying to try that strap-on on me forever.

Why was my post removed?

Can anyone tell me why my post was removed?

I'm a bit annoyed by this because my fence has fallen over.

I came up with this joke about a month ago, just remembered to post it.

A young woman had a real big problem, all her life it took her forever to go pee. Sometimes she would be sitting on the toilet for several minutes of agony before she could squeeze out a drop. It also made her so self-conscious that she was scared to date, despite being a fairly attractive woman....

I uninstalled Facebook as i got depressed of seeing my friends post their relationship and marriage

I uninstalled LinkedIn as i got depressed of seeing my colleague post their job change and promotion

I uninstalled instagram as i got depressed of seeing my friends travel and enjoy their lives.

But I'll never uninstall reddit because you guys are more miserable than me .

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A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over a small stream, taking a drink

The gorilla runs up behind the lion, grabs on, and has his way with him. The gorilla then takes off running, with the very angry lion on his heels. As they run through the jungle, the gorilla gets a bit of a lead, and sees a British safari camp ahead.

The gorilla enters the camp, grabs some k...

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Post your best One-Liner.

You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes.

My wife decided to split the house post our divorce

I got the outside...

An old couple was sitting in Church...

...and the wife noticed that people were staring at her.

She leaned across to her husband and whispered, โ€œIโ€™ve just let go a silent fart. What do you think I should do?โ€

He said, โ€œI think you should get fresh batteries for your hearing aid.โ€

Iโ€™ve never experienced post-nut clarity.

Maybe I should switch from pecans to pistachios.

It's a good thing Elon didn't acquire Reddit, otherwise

(Your post was removed by Reddit admins, and your account was suspended)

All the jokes that I post on this thread are like painting the Mona Lisa.

In that they're plagiarized.

Punchline in the title of a Reddit post

Yo mama so stupid she puts theโ€ฆ

it's international Talk Like A Pirate Day! enjoy a cross-re-post.

What's a Pirate's favourite letter?

You'd think it'd be r, but a pirate's first love is the C.

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A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown.

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.

...

I absolutely HATE when people make a post subtly implying it's their cake day, just so people can wish them.

You won't catch me doing that today.

The UK just passed a law so that corporations have to post earnings statements in public spaces to be accessible, like in parks, metro stations, high-density residential areas...

And the words of the profits are written on the subway walls and tenement halls.

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I posted an ad looking for someone to do odd jobs for me.

A guy replied, offering to jerk me off with his feet, armpit, or elbows.

Did you hear about Post Malone falling while performing?

He seems okay now. It was just a stage he was going through.

Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brotherโ€ฆ

Sudden Lee

I was going to post a joke about abortion

But Reddit killed it before I could deliver it

A tough looking cowboy dressed all in black rides into town..

He ties his horseโ€™s reins to a post outside a saloon and walks in. He pauses just inside the swinging doors and surveys the raucous room.

All heads turn as silence descends. The cowboy confidently approaches the bar and orders one shot of โ€˜Red eyeโ€™.

All eyes are still on the cowboy a...

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Shamelessly copied from another post just too old

Radio guy talkes to some guy:
- Sir, Do you speak English?
- Yes!
- Name?
- Abdul Aziz.
- Sex?
- Three to five times a day.
- No, no...I mean male or female?
- Yes, male, female, sometimes camel.
- Holy cow!
- Yes, cow, sheep, animals in general.
- But isn't that hos...

Emo Philips posted his favourite Judy Tenuta joke in honor of her passing:

My favorite Judy Tenuta story: after a show, the comic who opened for her is driving her to their next gig; as they re passing cornfields at 2 AM he asks, "So what did you think of my act" & she replies,
"Ask me again when we get a bit closer to town"

Godspeed, Judy Tenuta.

I Used to Steal Reddit Posts

I still do, but I used to too.

50 Jokes for 50 US States

# ALABAMA

When a visitor to a town in Alabama spotted a dog attacking a boy, he grabbed the animal and throttled it with his bare hands. An impressed reporter saw the incident and told him the next day's headline would scream "Valiant Local Man Saves Child by Killing Vicious Animal."

'...

A marine biologist walks into the post office

A marine biologist walks into the post office and says he needs to send a large tank overnight. The postal worker asks for the dimensions of the tank and when the biologist gives them to him the postal worker says, "We can't send a tank that big overnight. It'll have to go by freight train."

...

I've open 6 birthday cards and I'm up to $150 already.

I love working for the post office!

I dreamed this joke

Seems quite strange, but in my dream I came up with this joke, and upon waking it actually makes sense as a joke to my great surprise. Usually when you have flashes of inspiration in a dream you wake up and realise it made absolutely zero sense.

Here's the joke.

Two horses were best ...

What

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.

The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: โ€œUsing everything we have learned this ...

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Post office joke

A post office received a letter from a little boy named Billy addressed to Santa Claus. They look at each other and, not knowing what to do with this, decide to read it out loud and have some fun. The letter goes something like this: โ€œDear Santa, our dad left us recently, my mom lost her job, so now...

I posted my bike for sale on Craigslist the other day for $50.

Guy messaged me and asked me whatโ€™s the lowest youโ€™ll go on it?

2mph, anything less and youโ€™ll tip over!

What is a Pirate's favorite letter?

The one from the General Manager telling him he's been traded to the Mets.



Thanks to everyone who awarded this post! You're so kind .

A young baker buys a shop

He is very excited as this is his first venture since qualifying. He sells ok on everyday items like bread, but runs into trouble with his 'special items'. One day he makes beautiful cakes, however his customers only want pastries that day. So the next day he makes pastries, but now they want muffin...

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2 guys are down to their last 10 bucks....

Its a friday and theyre hungry but wanna get drunk too. So guy1 tells guy2, "Hey i got an idea, lets get a sausage and ill put it in my pants. Then pretend to give me a blowjob after we order our drinks!" So guy 2 agrees and go the first bar. Bartender asks what theyll have and they both respond a ...

I saw a lizard standing on a post on the corner of the street.

It was strange, because it seemed like everyone who walked by it chuckled at least a little bit.

I never bothered to stop and ask, but Iโ€™m pretty sure he was a stand-up chameleon.

A New Navy Recruit Details His First Day On The Submarineโ€ฆ

A new Navy recruit has his first day on the submarine...

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.

"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 mi...

A sad first attempt at a joke

(Itโ€™s my first time posting here. Donโ€™t blame me for the terrible joke lol)

A lawyer just lost a career making/breaking case so Satan sees this as an opportunity to approach him and make him an offer.

Satan: I will make you the most successful lawyer in history. You will never lose a c...

I feel terrible for women who work for the USPS or other postal services....

It's such a mail-dominated industry

I can't think of anything to post for my cakeday

I guess I'll just dessert it.

I kissed a girl today.

Wish I could post this in another sub some day.

Please don't post any more school shooting jokes, consider them rule 10 - overly offensive.

Let's give each other time to heal and get back to the reposts we all know and love (just kidding) - but enough is enough of these.

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I often read a joke and think,

"What a cunt. That's not funny."

Then I press 'post'.

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We should have a TV show where illegal immigrants hunt down sex offenders for a chance at citizenship

We can call it "Alien vs Predator"

\[EDIT\]: Wow I can't believe the amount of people who would want to make it a reality. *Netflix if your seeing this post you know what to do.*

**If you want, you may follow this post - I may update it in the future if something exciting happens.** <...

A Redditor posts a joke.

And within 2 minutes of submission he has 8 comments telling him, โ€œthatโ€™s a repost and that same joke was submitted last month and got 3k upvotes. We only want original content here!โ€ So he deletes it and moves on.

Two months later he hears a new joke and posts it. Again within 2 minutes of s...

I canโ€™t think of a single good thing to post on my cake day.

I guess Iโ€™ll just have to dessert my karma farming plans.

I was going to post a joke about time travel...

But nobody liked it.

This one is much shorter than the last joke I posted.

A guy arrived home from work to find a stranger screwing his wife.
โ€˜What the hell are you two doing?โ€™ demanded the husband.
His wife turned to the stranger and said:
See, I told you he was stupid.โ€™

When I found out you could donate sperm by post...

I came in a jiffy

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An old couple are sitting on their porch . . .

(One of my favorites, though I'm sure it's probably been posted at some point)

An old couple are sitting on the porch in their rocking chairs, watching the sunset quietly. After a long stretch broken only by the creaking of their chairs, the old woman reaches down, picks up her cane, and swi...

If there are 502 bricks in a plane and 1 falls off, how many are left?

>!501.!<

How do you put an elephant in a fridge?

>!You open the door, put the elephant in, and close the door.!<

How do you put a giraffe in the fridge?

>!You open the door, take the elephant out, put the giraffe in, and close the door.!<

So, the ...

What do you call a rapper that smells nice?

Post Cologne

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was.

When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled with surprising forcef...

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Old joke

This joke may have been posted before. A joke someone told me when I was a young teenager;

There are three people named โ€œdog crap, Manners, and Shut Up."

One day, dog crap fell out the window and Manners went out the window to pick him up. While Manners was going to help dog crap, he t...

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Tortoise and Rabbit. Antagonist view.

A different insight into the story of hare and tortoise:-

E๐’—๐’†๐’“๐’š๐’๐’๐’† ๐’•๐’‰๐’“๐’๐’–๐’ˆ๐’‰๐’๐’–๐’• ๐’•๐’‰๐’† ๐’˜๐’๐’“๐’๐’… ๐’‰๐’‚๐’” ๐’Œ๐’†๐’‘๐’• ๐’ˆ๐’Š๐’—๐’Š๐’๐’ˆ ๐’•๐’‰๐’† ๐’†๐’™๐’‚๐’Ž๐’‘๐’๐’† ๐’๐’‡ ๐‘ป๐’๐’“๐’•๐’๐’Š๐’”๐’†โ€ฆ ๐‘บ๐’‚๐’š๐’Š๐’๐’ˆ ๐’•๐’‰๐’‚๐’• ๐’”๐’๐’๐’˜ ๐’‚๐’๐’… ๐’”๐’•๐’†๐’‚๐’…๐’š ๐’˜๐’Š๐’๐’” ๐’•๐’‰๐’† ๐’“๐’‚๐’„๐’†, ๐’‚๐’๐’… ๐’†๐’Ž๐’‘๐’‰๐’‚๐’”๐’Š๐’›๐’Š๐’๐’ˆ...

Why should you always post jokes in American English?

They can reach a wider audience.

The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker among themselves, is that, they don't speak the same language.

For instance, take the simple phrase - Secure the building.

The Army would post guards around the place.

The Navy would turn out the lights and lock the doors.

The Marines would kill everyone inside and set up headquarters.

The Air Force would take out a five year lease ...

Tractor joke incoming!

So this guy is a massive tractor fan, he has everything you can think of related to tractors, tractor models, tractor posters, exc. Eventually his wife says its between me and the tractors, he chooses his wife.

One day walking down the road there is a house fire that is mostly put out but has...

I think this one was here but saw it a few years ago so i decided to post it.

Little Jimmy was once playing with his dinosaur toys on the backyard, when his older brother Tony walked towards him with a brand new baseball bat, ball and glove.

Jimmy noticed it and gasped "Tony, how did you get all those cool toys?!"

"Simple" Tony chuckled "Just go to an adult, and...

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A soldier was transferred to a fort far out west ...

After a grueling train journey from Kentucky, the soldier finally arrived in a small, dusty town in the middle of nowhere. He was met by a stage coach that had been procured to bring him to his new post at the fort 10 miles out of town. When he finally arrived, the sergeant greeted him and started g...

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After masturbating post nut clarity hit hard

I guess you could say I came to my senses

Most of the posts here are medium.

They arenโ€™t rare and they are definitely not well done.

Not sure if this has been posted before

Every time a little boy went to a playmateโ€™s house, he found the friendโ€™s grandmother deeply engrossed in her Bible. Finally his curiosity got the better of him.

โ€œWhy do you suppose your grandmother reads the Bible so much?โ€ he asked.

โ€œIโ€™m not sure,โ€ said his friend, โ€œbut I think sheโ€™s...

A new Russian "recruit" goes to the Armory to get his weapons.

The armorer looks around, and seeing there are no guns left, hand the soldier a broomstick.

"But Comrade!" complains the recruit. "The enemy have real guns! How will this help me?"

The armorer says to him, "Just point this at them and say 'Bang Bang Bang!' It will work."

"But ...

It absolutely bothers me when some attention seeking people make posts and comments indicating that it's it their cake day just so that people wish them.

I'm just glad I'm not one of those people

A guy walks into a bar

A guy walks into a bar, orders a beer and spreads out a paper to work on the crossword puzzle. After a while he asks the bartender, "What's another word for an unemployed postman?" "How many letters?" the bartender asks. "Well, zero I guess." the guy replies.

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