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My wife says if this post gets over 1000 upvotes, I can get anal.

Please upvote because I want this house to be spotless.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife said if this post gets 2000 upvotes, she'll give up her anal virginity tonight!

Please don't.

She's out of town on a business trip until Monday.

What did Master Yoda say when he first saw himself in 4k?

HDMI

edit because everyone's yelling at me: its a repost. please stop downvote spamming my comments

edit 2: i dont know why it got tagged as nsfw. please stop asking

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There was a man who worked for the Post Office

... whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small p...

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A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan.

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor.

The next morning he wakes up to fi...

How do you view posts from two years ago in r/jokes?

Sort by hot.

If "womb" is pronounced "woom", "tomb" is pronounced "toom" then shouldn't "bomb" be pronounced

"BOOM"



I hope that blew your minds

I wanted to post a joke about sodium

But Na people wouldnt understand it.

A post on this sub is rarely original...

We've all reddit before.

What's the difference between an ISIS outpost and an Iraqi preschool?

I have no idea, I just fly the drone.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman visits a flower shop to get some flowers for her mother.

As she's perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she's ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and inquires about its origin.

"Oh, sorry," the cashier replies. "That one's not for sale. I got that as a gift from a fellow florist for hooking him up with a woman I met yesterday."

"Y...

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The old farmer said, “ Well as I see it, Donald Trump is like a Post Tortoise”

The man, not being familiar with the term, asked what a ‘post tortoise’ was.

The farmer said, “When you’re driving down a county lane and you come across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top, that’s a post tortoise.

The farmer saw the puzzled look on the man’s face so he cont...

Having trouble remembering something? Just post it to r/Jokes!

Then you'll see it reposted everyday.

I don't make passive aggressive posts on Reddit

Unlike **SOME** people.

whats the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea?

donald trump has never had a garbanzo bean on his face.

I was going to post this on another sub, but it seemed more appropriate here.

South Dakota is currently battling a Methamphetamine epidemic and they have a new slogan for their anti-meth campaign efforts.

“Meth....We are on it”!

Not one of my normal posts. Bit more serious. If anybody knows of any lonely old people who will be eating Christmas dinner alone because they have no family or close friends, can they let me know,

I need to borrow some chairs.

A chemistry professor posted a bonus question to an exam:

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know ...

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My wife said this sub is nothing but the same recycled crap over and over.

She is so wrong so I told her to check my history. My last post here says otherwise.

My friend told me to not to post Thanksgiving jokes on Reddit

I told him I couldn't quit "cold turkey”

What do you call lizard picture posted on Reddit?

A karma chameleon

Why are there two d's in reddit?

The second one is a repost.

What's the difference between Sam Smith and Post Malone?

One's good at goodbye and the other isn't.

Just so I can say that I posted it before any of my friends.

....Those two prison guards did not kill themselves.

Today a girl kissed me

I wish I could post it in another subreddit

The "Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar" joke has been posted 3 times in the last 2 weeks

You can't tell me that's just a coincidence!

I hate people who steal other people's post ideas...

I really do.

Have you met Post Malone's introvert brother?

Leave M'Alone

If your surprised that Jeffrey Epstein commited suicide this morning

Imagine how surprised he must have been.

I would post a joke about Buddhism

But I don’t have enough karma

I'm a Sikh and really tired of hearing "sikh" puns on any post related to Sikhs

I'm sikh of this joke.

What do you call it, when you feel like you've read every single post on r/jokes before?

deja-view.

There are so many reposts on this sub that all hope seems lost on original content. This post will say otherwise.

Otherwise.

When I see lovers' nαmes cαrved in α tree, I don't think it's sweet.

I just think it's surprising how mαny people bring a knife on a dαte.

EDIT I removed comments with α since some of you didn't like it.

Also this is an old joke . Look some posts from several years ago. https://twitter.com/biiimurray/status/361654153811996672.

http://www.su...

I'd post a chemistry pun on here....

But I'm scared I'll get a volatile reaction.

Cross Post

Many people think the stories of Jesus are true; but, I think it’s just cruci-fiction.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Doctor to post-op male patient: "We accidentally amputated your dick."

Patient: "WTF?!"

Doctor: "Ma'am, you need to calm down."

Do any of you fellow Redditors post jokes while driving in traffic?

I normally don't, but I was just wonderkjtivnodoijhgh

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink

Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.
<...

I saw a post saying "Free China".

Turns out it was some old lady giving away her dishes.

What did the hungry redditor do with the gold he got from his post?

He EDIT.

Santa saw your Facebook posts this year.

He’s gonna give you a dictionary.

Every time I post a joke to this sub it gets downvoted

uʍop ǝpᴉsdn ǝuo sᴉɥʇ ǝʇᴉɹʍ ll,I oS

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My grandfather's favourite joke

First time posting here, my grandfather's funeral was yesterday, and in honor of him I thought I would share his favourite joke of all time. My grandfather worked in advertisement, and his favourite jokes had to do with bad advertising. His favourite? Women's dresses, half off.

Rest in peace...

Assistant to the President: Sir, there's a crisis - somehow, we only have one copy of Pixar's Up left in existence.

President: All right, find the person who currently owns it, and have him give it to me.

Assistant to the President: Well there's some bad news, sir ...

President: Bad news? Have him give me the DVD, I'll copy it and post it on the Internet, problem solved!

Assistant to the Pres...

A guy wants a divorce. He tells the judge "I cant take it anymore she's out going from bar to bar every night way past midnight"

The judge responds "what's she doing"

The guy says "looking for me"

.
.
.
.

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A quack posted a sign on his place which said "Can treat all kinds of illneses for $100. If I can't, I'll pay you $100"

A guy tried his luck and went inside.

Guy: hey doc, my sense of taste is messed up

Quack: Okay. Let me get the medicine from the second shelf and you'll drink one tablespoon of it

[*guy drinks medicine*]

Guy: [*spits*] fuck you, this is gasoline!

Quack: y...

What did the Redditor say in his post about finding gold in his backyard?

Thanks, kind stranger!

My Gramps just passed away. This was his favorite joke to tell.

*Sorry for the meta of this, I'm still reeling a little. I post two or three (or ten--sorry for breaking rules) jokes on this sub every day. A lot of them are simply awful, but they're all original, and my Gramps was a huge inspiration for me becoming a comedy "writer." But this is an old joke, and ...

Have you ever thought of an awesome joke but had to race the final 1% of your battery to post it?

Back when I had an Android I sure did but look at me now, my iPhone still has 27% lef........

What do you call a person who always posts memes?

Depressed

I won’t be posting any jokes over the next few days. I've got to revise for a practical exam in pest control.

I'll probably be up all night swatting.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Jew, a Muslim, a Hindu, and an Atheist are asked to help decorate a Christmas Tree.

The Jew says, "My faith believes that Christ was just a really smart guy, but we don't celebrate Christmas. I'll put 7 candles on the tree to represent the Menorah" and he agrees to help.

The Muslim says, "My faith believes Christ was a holy guy, just not THE holy guy, so we don't celeb...

A teacher goes for a long walk on the beach. She finds a shiny magic lamb, picks it up, and rubs it.

There is a puff of blue smoke and a genie pops out. “You have three wishes. I can give you anything in the world. If I fail, I must become your personal genie for eternity.”

The teacher thinks for a moment and says, “For my first wish, I want jewels. Silver, gold, platinum, whatever you have....

Why are my posts like antivax kids?

They both die in new

Do you know why there are fewer 'all men are trash' posts now?

Christmas is coming

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