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Post Jokes

Why was my post removed?

Can anyone tell me why my post was removed?

I'm a bit annoyed by this because my fence has fallen over.

"pre" means before and "post" means after...

pre means before and post means after,

to use both at the same time would be...


preposterous!

I uninstalled Facebook as I got depressed seeing my friends post their relationship and marriage.

I uninstalled LinkedIn as I got depressed seeing my colleague post their job change and promotion.

I uninstalled instagram as I got depressed seeing my friends travel and enjoy their lives.

But I'll never uninstall reddit because you guys are more miserable than me .

I would post a joke about Buddhism

But I don’t have enough karma

A TWO-LINE RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE: (the Washington Post competition)

I'll go first... I love you and the smell of your hair,Please don't be home when I get there.


EDIT- I have to say, the rhymes and creativity; you all are incredible, Now I have to wonder who's most edible...(no really great job to all)

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If r/Jokes posts were like YouTube videos

Joke title: IS THIS THE WORLD'S FUNNIEST JOKE?

Hello welcome to my joke, this joke is sponsored by BackdooredVPN, get the VPN service for just $29.95 a month. Also sponsored by Microtransaction Legends, download the app for free today.

Before we share the joke we want to remind you tha...

Why should you always post jokes in American English?

They can reach a wider audience.

Most of the posts here are medium.

They aren’t rare and they are definitely not well done.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife says if this post gets over 1000 upvotes, I can get anal.

Please upvote because I want this house to be spotless.

[presidential test post]

pls ignore

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My Gf says I can get anal on my cake day if this post reaches front page

Please upvote because I want to rearrange the whole house furnitures to make them perfectly symmetric from every angle

My wife asked me what I'm posting on Reddit...

I tell her that they /r/jokes.

A chemistry professor posted a bonus question to an exam:

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know ...

Do you know why there are fewer 'all men are trash' posts now?

Christmas is coming

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My wife said if this post gets 1000 upvotes she'll give up her anal virginity tonight!

Please don't. She's out of town on business until Tuesday.

A woman, tired of being alone, posts a personal ad

In the ad, she says she's looking for a man who won't beat her, won't walk out on her, and can please her in bed.

A few days later, her doorbell rings. She opens the door and is surprised to find a man on her doorstep with no arms or legs. "I'm here about the personal ad," the man says casual...

I wanted to post a joke about Sodium but I was like Na, people won’t Understand.

Want to hear a joke about Sodium hypobromite?


NaBrO.

Reddit is killing third-party applications (and itself). Read more in this post.

>!More!<

I was going to post a time travel joke..

But you guys didn't like it.

I've posted 9 puns here in this sub but none of them got upvoted. If this one doesn't either, then...

...no pun in ten did

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There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail with illegible addresses…

One day, a letter came addressed in shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:

“Dear God,

I am an 83-year-old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which...

I absolutely HATE when people make a post subtly implying it's their cake day, just so people can wish them.

You won't catch me doing that today.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After masturbating post nut clarity hit hard

I guess you could say I came to my senses

why is everyone posting about 9/11?

It's still 2 months away.

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Post turtles.

An old farmer was getting his hand stitched up after an accident at his cattle farm.

He and the doctor start into conversation, which leads into politics.

The old farmer explained, "Well, as I see it, most politicians are 'Post Turtles'."

Not being familiar with the term, the do...

I heard Reddit likes puns so I posted ten of them thinking at least one would reach the first page

No pun in ten did

My dad posted this to Facebook

An Irishman, Mick, was on “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.” He had already won 500,000 euros. “You’ve done very well,” said the presenter, “but for a million euros, you’ve only got one lifeline left, phone a friend. “Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest? A) Sparrow B) Thrush C) Ma...

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My wife left me, so I posted all the nudes she ever sent me onto r/gonewild.

The mods removed them though as they go against the rules.

They don't allow reposts.

Since Facebook claims ownership of everything you post on their website

I think I should start uploading my bills.

Post Malone Has Started His Own Student Loan Service in an Attempt to Lift the Burden Off of New Graduates

It's called "Post Malone's Post Pone Ma Loans"

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My Reddit posts are just like my prostitutes.

They always end up getting buried.

Never get stuck behind the devil in a Post Office queue

For the devil can take many forms

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I saw a post on Craigslist that said: Radio for sale, $1. Volume knob stuck on full.

I thought to myself, I can't turn that down!

Title that makes you click the post

A man and a woman, who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and went to bed, he in the upper bunk and...

I got banned from /r/Jokes for posting, "Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms!"

Mods said I'm a cereal reposter...

I came up with this joke about a month ago, just remembered to post it.

A young woman had a real big problem, all her life it took her forever to go pee. Sometimes she would be sitting on the toilet for several minutes of agony before she could squeeze out a drop. It also made her so self-conscious that she was scared to date, despite being a fairly attractive woman....

TIL Calaway's Law states that "the best way to get the right answer on the Internet is not to ask a question, it's to post the wrong answer."

Now we wait.

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Post your best One-Liner.

You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes.

r/funny told me to post it here. So, a married couple went to the hospital

A married couple went to the hospital so that the woman could give birth to her child. Upon their arrival the doctor told them that they invented a new machine where they could transfer some of the labor pain to the father. He asked them if they would like to try it and they agreed. So the doctor se...

George Bush goes to hell. Classic. First posted on Reddit 13 years ago.

One day in the future, George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'...

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For all those who don't get the bus driver comments on every post here

First off, I know this is an old joke. It's like the oldest joke. But on every other joke that's posted on this sub, it gets referenced, and there's always at least one reply who doesn't get it. I've explained the reference to like 4 people today and this seems like a better solution. So here it i...

Post Malone lost 60 lbs by cutting out pop.

I wonder what kind of music he'll make now.

I'm posting just to let everyone know I'm going through a lot right now...

...and I can't find a parking spot anywhere around here.

An elephant went to the post office to get a PO Box.

The clerk was happy to address the elephant in the room.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German... (x-post from /r/dadjokes)

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching an American street performer do some juggling. The juggler notices the four gentleman have a very poor view, so he stands up on a wooden crate and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"

"Yes"

"Oui"

"Sí"<...

I can't remember how to post 51, 6, and 500 in Roman Numerals

I am LIVID

I used to rip off famous comedians' jokes to post on Reddit for easy karma.

I still do, but I used to, too.

Here is an actual sign posted in a golf club.

1. Back straight, knees bent.
2. Feet shoulder width apart.
3. Form a loose grip.
4. Keep your head down!
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, let others go ahead of you.
8. Don't stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please...

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What do penises and posts in r/jokes have in common?

They're both often mislabeled as "long"

A man writing at the post office desk was approached by an older fellow with a post card in his hand.

The old man said, "Sir, I'm sorry to bother you but could you address this post card for me? My arthritis is acting up today and I can't even hold a pen."

"Certainly sir," said the younger man, "I'd be glad to."
He wrote out the address and also agreed to write a short message and sign the...

My friends get annoyed when I post in italics.

*I guess it's a bit too right-leaning for them*

Someone made a post offending handicapped people, but I didn’t reply.

The comments were disabled.

How to post the world’s best joke here…

Post an average joke, then inevitably a better joke will be added to the comments, steal that joke and post it, take that joke’s best comment joke and post it, repeat ad infinitum. Voila the world’s best joke guaranteed eventually.

My teacher always starts her class by reading one of the posts from r/jokes, but today she’s absent.

So instead, a subreddit.

I was gonna post a joke about a beaker..

but I didn't want to be vial.

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An r/classicialmusic mod removed this one when I posted it. What's the difference between a bull and a symphony orchestra?

A bull has the horns in front and the asshole in back.

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A quack posted a sign on his place which said "Can treat all kinds of illneses for $100. If I can't, I'll pay you $100"

A guy tried his luck and went inside.

Guy: hey doc, my sense of taste is messed up

Quack: Okay. Let me get the medicine from the second shelf and you'll drink one tablespoon of it

[*guy drinks medicine*]

Guy: [*spits*] fuck you, this is gasoline!

Quack: y...

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joke I heard a while ago, not sure if it's been posted (new to reddit)

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try. One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Ph...

What do you call an r/clevercomebacks post that has been posted before?

A riposte

It's my cake day, so better post a joke about cakes... Why couldn't the Teddy bear finish his birthday cake?

Because he was already stuffed...

Sorry, I'll do better next year - definitely Muffin that I will repeat again!

This Goat walks into a post office

And says to the Postmaster "I need to send a telegram."
The Postmaster says "OK, what is it?"
The Goat says "I need it to say, maa maa maa maa maa maa maa." The Postmaster counts the words and says "Well, for the same price, I can put 4 more "MAAs" in for you."
The Goat looks at him and say...

Before you go around posting “He has risen”

Remember to add spoiler alert.

Some of us haven’t read the book yet.

Every time I post a joke to this sub it gets downvoted

uʍop ǝpᴉsdn ǝuo sᴉɥʇ ǝʇᴉɹʍ ll,I oS

My wife decided to split the house post our divorce

I got the outside...

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Post office joke

A post office received a letter from a little boy named Billy addressed to Santa Claus. They look at each other and, not knowing what to do with this, decide to read it out loud and have some fun. The letter goes something like this: “Dear Santa, our dad left us recently, my mom lost her job, so now...

Did you know you can donate sperm by post?

When I found out, I came in a jiffy.

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My first post here

A 34 year-old man had undergone plastic sugery to make himself look like a 20 year old. He wanted to test and see if other people could guess his correct age. He went to a nearby shop and asked the shop keeper to guess what age he was.

The shop keeper replied, "About 20 years old".

Th...

I am sure this has been posted before...

In a bar, an attractive woman calls the bartender over and asks to speak to the manager.

He explains that the manager is not in this evening but he will be happy to help her.

The woman leans across the bar and pulls the bartender in close, running her fingers through his hair.

"...

I was looking forward to showing my teacher my reddit post, but she got sick.

So, the subreddit

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Why is posting to r/jokes like masterbating?

Because 3 times a day just isn't enough

Why don't women work at the post office?

It's a mail dominated industry.

Don't know if this has been posted here but let's try

Little Johnny came home and ran to his mother.


"Mummy! I was on the bus with Daddy and he made me stand up so a woman could sit down."


"Well...How kind of your daddy! You should learn from him."

Johnny then frowned.


"I was sitting on Daddy's lap"

I was going to post a joke about free and fair elections....

But I’m not sure the Americans will get it.

I’ve never experienced post-nut clarity.

Maybe I should switch from pecans to pistachios.

Did you know if you rearrange the letters in "THE POST OFFICE"

Nobody gets their mail.

A post on this sub is rarely original

We've all reddit before.

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How many redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

How many redittors does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers ...

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Job at the post office

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?"

"Yes," he says. "I was in Vietnam for three years."

The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment" and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?

...

I thought about posting this joke about mirrors

but I just can't see myself telling it

A marine biologist walks into the post office

A marine biologist walks into the post office and says he needs to send a large tank overnight. The postal worker asks for the dimensions of the tank and when the biologist gives them to him the postal worker says, "We can't send a tank that big overnight. It'll have to go by freight train."

...

Is it possible to repost a joke before the original is posted?

That’s pre-posterous

Punchline in the title of a Reddit post

Yo mama so stupid she puts the…

I saw a posting for a local scat group and decided to check them out

It was clear the moment I walked in the door I had made a mistake, but never being one against new experiences I pulled out a stool and joined them

I am surprised I didn't get any upvotes on the joke about a spine that I posted recently.

It was about a week back.

Grandma's peanuts (prob a re-post, still funny though)

Danny is out with his friends and stops by his grandmother's house
for a visit.
There's a bowl of peanuts on the coffee table.
So Danny and his friends start snacking on them.
When they're ready to leave, his friends say, "Nice to meet you, ma'am,
And thank you for the p...

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We should have a TV show where illegal immigrants hunt down sex offenders for a chance at citizenship

We can call it "Alien vs Predator"

\[EDIT\]: Wow I can't believe the amount of people who would want to make it a reality. *Netflix if your seeing this post you know what to do.*

**If you want, you may follow this post - I may update it in the future if something exciting happens.** <...

I was gonna post a joke about a bad artist

but it really doesnt paint a pretty picture

I tried to post a joke about foreskin earlier...

but it got removed

Can we please stop posting chemistry jokes?

I keep seeing the same jokes reposted periodically.

First post - have mercy

I wanted to research bestiality, but I felt I was going down a rabbit-hole.

My wife is fed up with me constantly posting jokes here, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?!" She shot back, "Whatever means necessary!!" I chuckled...

"No it doesn't!"

Did you hear about Post Malone falling while performing?

He seems okay now. It was just a stage he was going through.

How often is a chemistry joke posted on reddit?

Periodically.

You think you tell better jokes than me? Well this post says otherwise.

Otherwise.

A Redditor posts a joke.

And within 2 minutes of submission he has 8 comments telling him, “that’s a repost and that same joke was submitted last month and got 3k upvotes. We only want original content here!” So he deletes it and moves on.

Two months later he hears a new joke and posts it. Again within 2 minutes of s...

A lady arrives at a post office...

...and asks the postman:

"Hi, can I call my mom? I'm out of cash and I need to talk to her urgently".

The postman says "No money, no phone call, miss".

"I will do everything you want, please I really need to call my mother!" - the lady proceeds.

"Music to my ears" - the p...

Why Werewolves don't post on Reddit?

Someone might give them their free "Silver"

I was going to post a Michael Brown joke..

..but I'm afraid it would just get shot down.

how do you make someone click on your post?

Like that

it's international Talk Like A Pirate Day! enjoy a cross-re-post.

What's a Pirate's favourite letter?

You'd think it'd be r, but a pirate's first love is the C.

My sister came up with this. What begins with a P, ends with an E and has a million letters in it

Post office

I can't think of anything to post for my cakeday

I guess I'll just dessert it.

How do you get a lot of people to check out your post?

Mark it NSFW

I'm tired of seeing "Hey OP, I banged your mom" comments every time I post a submission....

I never should have given dad my username.

First joke post

How do you hear the blood in your veins?

By listening varicosely

People that keep posting things about Vaisakhi, can you all stop please?!

I’m Sikh and tired of it.

Why did Post Malone's promiscuous behavior get him the nickname 'Kevin McAllister?'

Because he was Ho Malone.

I searched Reddit and this joke hasn't been posted.

USPS came out with a Donald Trump stamp. They were Yugely popular at first, but suddenly went out of circulation, because they wont stick to the envelopes.

This enraged the president, and he demanded a full investigation, blamed the democrats and JINA and the lame-stream media.


<...

If you upvote this post, later this week money will enter into your life.

I call it a praycheck

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I almost didn't post this joke, but I decided you deserve it.

The doctor and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast. As he stormed out of the house, the man angrily yelled to his wife, “You aren’t that good in bed either!”

By midmorning, he decided he’d better make amends and called home. After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, a...

2 jokes in 1 post

What has 2 eyes and hundred teeth?

*A crocodile*


What has 2 teeth and hundred eyes?

*A bus filled with elderly*

Not sure if posted already

A guy walks into a bar

Man:”my wife just cheated on me and I just wanna drink myself to death”

Waiter:”I can’t serve you and help you commit suicide”

Man:”What would you do if you were in my situation”

Waiter:” I’d kill the guy that slept with my wife”

Man:”That’s ...

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Inspired by post on reddit/ technology

Police stop a guy.
-Name
Wankbreak
-Excuse me?
Wankbreak....Fred Wankbreak.
-Listen mate you're coming down to the station if you carry on like that.
No seriously I work in the Warehouse over there give them a ring they'll vouch for me.
Cop sighs but can do without the paperwork...

I felt a little bad about posting a joke about the Amish

Oh well, it's not like they'll ever read it.

A r/Jokes front page post walks into a bar...

The bartender says, "Have I seen you before?"

Why won't Australians see your posts?

They can only sort by hot right now

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Grandma's Tattoo(x-post credit to /u/pantyraid7036)

I was waiting on a table of a big family. 7 of them, three kids, mom and dad, and grandma and grandpa. Grandma was your typical OLD OLD OLD grandma. In a wheelchair with a blanket over her legs, looked like one of those apple dolls, spoke in a whisper.

She sees my tattoos, grabs me with her b...

Did you hear the one about the Redditor that posts the same jokes every few months?

Yeah... we heard it already.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wasn't sure if I should post this here, because it's only funny under certain circumstances

certain circumstances

funny

Santa has been reading all your posts.

Most of you are getting dictionaries.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor.

The next morning he wakes up to fi...

A new Navy recruit has his first day on the submarine...

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.

"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.

"Son I'm changing your post ...

What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts?

Annette.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A principal notices a Post-It on a locker.

"Jocks of JFK High! This small change in diet can boost your physique FOREVER! Head to the gym to find out how!"

Puzzled, he pulls it off and continues down the hall. Just a few lockers down, another catches his eye.

"Hey goth girls! Tired of dark eyeliner that just runs all day? One ...

The joke's posted below

Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man walks into a lamp post

"Ouch!" the lamp post shrieked. "that was hella painful"

Appalled by what he heard, the young man went all crazy and started running down the streets, where he saw road crossing chickens, stupid blondes, fatherless black kids and an insane number of lawyers, engineers, priests, scientists, do...

Having trouble remembering something? Just post it to r/Jokes!

Then you'll see it reposted everyday.

So I got a phone call from the post office today...

...complaining that my dog is attacking a postman on a bike. But I told them "It can't be my dog... he doesn't even know how to ride a bike".

Scientists now have a word for post-coital bonding

Unfortunately all the men in the study had fallen asleep before it could be explained to them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If Korean Pop is KPop

Is Chinese Rap Crap?

EDIT: I just got on and looked at this post.....
THANK U SO MUCH!!!! This was my first post and it got all the way to the top!! Thank you sooo much!!

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