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My Gf says I can get anal on my cake day if this post reaches front page

Please upvote because I want to rearrange the whole house furnitures to make them perfectly symmetric from every angle

I absolutely HATE when people make a post subtly implying that it's their cake day just so people can wish them a happy birthday.

You won't catch me doing that today.

I used to rip off famous comedians' jokes to post on Reddit for easy karma.

I still do, but I used to, too.

Why should you always post jokes in American English?

They can reach a wider audience.

Most of the posts here are medium.

They aren’t rare and they are definitely not well done.

If "womb" is pronounced "woom", "tomb" is pronounced "toom" then shouldn't "bomb" be pronounced...

"BOOM"

I hope that blew your minds.

It would be r/funny if this post blows up.

If beating your meat can help you get Post-nut Clarity, maybe it is better do it twice for really important decisions to have

Two-Fapper Authentication

My project manager posted in linkedin 'When I die,I want my developers to carry my coffin so that they can put me down one last time"

I commented on that post

"For the first time ,you have mentioned the requirements clearly".

Good news! I am about to publish a Reddit Jokes Book with all the different jokes ever posted on this page!

I'm just waiting for the first publisher to agree on publishing a book with only 4 pages.

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There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read: Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I ...

My wife says if this post gets 1,000+ upvotes then we can get freaky on my cake day.

Please don't, the handcuffs are bad enough, the whip and strap-on are huge!

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A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of the mountains.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon, the insects, and a pile of straw on the floor as a bed.

The ne...

What do Excel, incels and some people who casually eat figs have in common?

They get confused and incorrectly assume it's a date.


(Edit)
Thank you for the awards.



As people have pointed out, this joke seems to have originated from a venn diagram, but seeing as I heard it a different way and we can't post venn diagrams on this sub, I don't ...

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This is as good a day as any to post this old one...

An older catholic priest is sweeping up between the pews after mass when a very attractive scantily clad young woman rushes into the church. She is visibly upset as she runs up to the priest, holding her face in her hands and sobbing.

Although the priest noticed her ample physique and skim...

I sent my hearing aid off in the post to be repaired.

It's been two weeks and I still haven't heard anything.

A business owner posted an ad on classifieds looking for logo designers...

The ad said: "Looking for a talented youth that can design an attractive logo. As I am a small business owner, the work is unpaid. You will be working for exposure."

A recently graduated graphic designer reads this ad. As he was unemployed and struggling to find a job, he thought that he woul...

An ice fishing joke never before posted here.

Billy Bob and his family decided to go ice fishing. So they loaded up all their tackle and headed up north and found a lake where they could go ice fishing with a tackle shop nearby in case they needed anything. When they got there the man behind the counter said they'd need ice picks for breaking t...

Here is an actual sign posted in a golf club.

1. Back straight, knees bent.
2. Feet shoulder width apart.
3. Form a loose grip.
4. Keep your head down!
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, let others go ahead of you.
8. Don't stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please...

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The man’s wife left him

Upset, he went for a drive and suddenly ran over a cop and crushed him to death.
Not knowing what else to do, he threw the cop in the trunk and drove to the cemetery.
When he got there, he came across a drunken watchman.
"Listen, if you bury this body with no questions asked, I'l...

I busted a nut at the local post office

I guess you could say something came in the mail today

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Farmer Greg

A seasoned farmer named Greg had finally mastered his craft. He toiled day and night to understand every detail to growing the perfect crop. After 30 years he had made enough money to retire, but Greg wanted more. He wanted local recognition and fame.


So he decided to grow the state’s ...

I wanted to post a joke about sodium.

But then I was like, "Na, people won't understand it".

My friend posted in facebook '#prayforafghanistan. Save them from Taliban'

I replied ' if anything that Taliban does better than us, it's praying '

Why did Reddit mods take down Darwin’s theory of evolution post?

The link was missing

How can you tell a post on Reddit is high effort?

Simple, just look for the "0 Comments" under it

Post Malone has started his own Student Loan Company

It's called "Post Malone's Post Pone Ma Loans"

A teacher goes for a long walk on the beach. She finds a shiny magic lamb, picks it up, and rubs it.

There is a puff of blue smoke and a genie pops out. “You have three wishes. I can give you anything in the world. If I fail, I must become your personal genie for eternity.”

The teacher thinks for a moment and says, “For my first wish, I want jewels. Silver, gold, platinum, whatever you have....

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A jew visits a brothel

He talks to the guy at reception:

- Hello, I want to see Samantha.

- One moment sir.

A beautiful young woman comes downstairs.

-Have you asked for me?

- Yes, I want to spend the night with you.

- Alright but my service is a bit expensive. $1000 for a night....

Can we please stop posting chemistry jokes?

I keep seeing the same jokes reposted periodically.

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Would I post a bad joke on my cake day?

You butter believe it.

Someone made a post saying 'Privacy is Important'...

...the post was on Facebook

A cop pulls over an old lady for speeding on a highway. He asks for her driver's license and registration.

When she opens her wallet, he notices a conceal-carry permit.

He asks, “Ma’am, do you have a weapon in your possession at this time?”

She responds "I'll bet you $100 you can't guess the answer to that question" as she slaps a crisp bill on her dashboard.

The cop rubs his chin an...

Do you guys remember the joke I posted about my spine?

It was about a weak back.

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How many redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

How many redittors does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers ...

I've posted 9 puns here in this sub but none of them got upvoted. If this one doesn't either, then...

...no pun in ten did

What kind of car is the same frontward and backward?

A Toyota.




First post ever on Reddit. I hope I did it right.

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Camel in the Camp

There was a major that got newly stationed in a base in the middle east. As he inspecting the base, he saw a camel tied to a post. Confused, he calls the nearest private.

"Private Doe!"
"Sir! Yes, sir?"
"What is this camel doing here at our base?" Asks the Major
"Sir, the camel is he...

I hate spelling errors. You mix up a couple letters and your whole post is

Urined

I think many people just post on Reddit so they can let people know how much better they are than other people.

Thank God I am above that.

I got banned from /r/Jokes for posting, "Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms!"

Mods said I'm a cereal reposter...

I set my Reddit so that it would automatically hide posts I've already opened.

It doesn't seem to work on this subreddit though.

I’d love to post a joke like the ones I see trending every day and I think I could do it.

If I can only find an old enough joke book..

This joke's idea comes from somewhere I can't remember. I was watching MKay's or FakeJake's video (It was several days ago, and they both post videos reading reddit post.) and I come across the first half of my joke (It isn't a joke, the person was actually asking for the advice through messages.)

Person A: Bro, I need your advice. How do I kindly reject a person. Person B has confessed to me, and I'm not ready yet. He's interesting, but I don't want to date, yet. I told him to wait until tomorrow for my answer.

A's Bro: Tell him, "You and I are reading the same book. But, you are seve...

Since Facebook claims ownership of everything you post on their website

I think I should start uploading my bills.

How often are chemistry jokes posted to reddit?

Periodically

I posted ten puns here to see which would receive 1000 upvotes

No pun in ten did.

What’s the difference between a Pakistani elementary school and an Al-qaeda outpost?

I dunno man I just fly the drone.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My new wife doesn’t believe in post-marital sex either

Says she wants to save herself for somebody special.

Dead Crows

During a review of accident statistics, it was noticed that one particular intersection in Boston had an inordinately high number of dead crows, presumably killed by motor vehicle strikes. Further study revealed the oddity that in every case, the dead crow had been killed by a truck—never a passenge...

People who post quotes like "I like to cry when it is raining because no one would see my tears" are also the ones

who pee in swimming pools.

A chemistry professor posted a bonus question to an exam:

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know ...

First joke post

How do you hear the blood in your veins?

By listening varicosely

Might aswell.

A new Navy recruit has his first day on the submarine...

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.

"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 mi...

The only joke I know.

How does a cow introduce his wife...?

He says, "meat patty".

I am very sorry.

Edit: it makes sense that my only popular post is a dad joke. I've never received any awards before so thank you everyone, this is insane.

Also, I understand everyone is upset about the cow vs b...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you catch a horny redditor ?

You tag a post as nsfw on r/Jokes

Scrolling this sub is like fixing a fence that's fallen.

Repost. Repost. Repost.

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Military is cutting staff (repost most likely)

The military is cutting staff and decide to get rid of three generals. One from the Army, the Airforce, and the Marines.

All of them are old, grizzled men who had seen their fair share of war, so the Pentagon comes up with a unique bonus system for their service. They can choose two points ...

What would you call a horror movie set in a post-gasoline world?

The Silence of The Lambos

So a pimpled man goes to the doctor...

He comes in, but refuses to sit down. The nurse asks if there is anything she could help him with.

He waves her away politely, and holds his suitcase in the air, bumps the top of it and an entire stool comes folding out. He places the stool on the ground and tries to small talk with the nurse...

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