UPJOKE
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Don’t you just hate that situation when you’re picking up your bags at the airport, and everyone’s luggage is better than yours.

A worst case scenario.

Embarrassing Situation

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the other end. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "...

The Covid19 situation has been especially stressful for the Flat Earth Society.

They fear that the social distancing measures could push people over the edge.

awkward situation growing up

when he was 15 years old, his friend gave him condoms, just as a prank but he put the condoms aside, because he was only 15.

him and his friends were learning karate from a friend Mike, Mike was a black belt in Karate the rest of them learning from him were beginner yellow belts.

his ...

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I saw two guys having a fight on the train. So, being a bouncer, I dealt with the situation accordingly.

I just stood there looking like a cunt.

Why are women and children always the first ones to get evacuated on a emergency situation ?

So men may think on a solution in silence

As an American looking at the situation in Afghanistan

It's good to see that, even decades later, the freedom fighters we trained can still drive out a superpower.

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My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations.

I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

A Taxing Situation

According to unofficial sources, a new simplified income-tax form contains only four lines:

1. What was your income for the year?

2. What were your expenses?

3. How much have you left?

4. Send it in.

*As published in "Reader's Digest" 78 years ago.*

Hypothetical class situation.

A teacher wanted to teach her students about self-esteem, so she asked anyone who thought they were stupid to stand up. One kid stood up and the teacher was surprised. She didn’t think anyone would stand up so she asked him, “Why did you stand up?” He answered, “I didn’t want to leave you standing u...

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NSFW A sticky situation

A woman was feeling unwell and went to the doctor. Being profoundly deaf she brought her husband along as an interpreter.
The doctor said " I think that you'll be fine but to be on the safe side I will run a few tests...I'll need urine stool and blood samples and I'll take a vaginal swab "...

When people go underwater in movies, I like to hold my breath to see if I would've survived in that situation.

I almost died during finding nemo

Due to the current economic situation in the world, I’ve started a dating site for chickens.

It’s not my full-time job, I’m just doing it...
...to make hens meet.

I got into an awkward situation by having an erection at the office.

I was hard at work.

A Jewish man decides his son isn't religious enough, so pays for him to go visit Israel.

When the son comes back, however, he says he's a Christian now.

The father goes to his friend exasperated to explain the situation, and his friend says "that's funny, I sent my son to Israel last year, and when he came back he also said he was Christian."

The two men decide they should...

what do you call the situation when you speak two languages and start losing vocabulary in both of them?

Byelingual.

What does living with a pregnant woman and being in a hostage situation have in common?

However some people may see it, I can't

Even imagine it in my own

Life because my wife is

Perfect in every way. She makes

Me complete. I love

Every part of her!

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At the height of WWII on the Eastern front, a high-level meeting takes place in the Kremlin between Stalin and the marshals on the situation on their respective fronts.

When the meeting ends, Marshal Georgy Zhukov is the first one to step out. As he does so, he mutters under his breath "Fucking asshole with a mustache!" It just so happens that Stalin's secretary, Alexander Poskrebyshev hears this. So being a loyal servant to the cause, he reports it to his boss. St...

No matter how bad your personal situation is - alcohol is never the answer

Alcohol is the question, and "yes" is the answer.

A man finds out his wife is cheating on him...

So he walks into a bar.

The bartender asks "Why are you looking so blue?"

The man replies "I just found out my wife is cheating on me. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death. I'll have some whiskey please."

The bartender looks shocked and says "I'm sorry, but I can't he...

I caught a really bad case of the flu in Madrid.

Whilst sniffling and coughing and rolling around in the hotel bed, I realised I needed medical attention, so I called the concierge to get help.

"Oh, so you're sick!" came the reply. "Not a problem, we'll send our very own hotel doctor up to your room right away!"

The doctor strolled i...

A man noted for telling puns was locked into a dark closet, and told he would not be released until he made up a pun about the situation. He immediately shouted,

"Oh, pun the door"

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Train Situation

A man and a woman who had never met before but were both married to other people found themselves assigned to the same sleeping compartment on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the ...

Two cavemen are lamenting their situation in a cave. One tells the other the following:

*"Something's just not right. Our air is clean, our water is pure, we all get plenty of exercise, everything we eat is organic and free-range, and yet nobody lives past thirty."*

I got caught cheating on my physics exam. Furious, my professor said to me "I hope you understand the gravity of the situation".

But if I had known that, I wouldn't be in this situation in the first place.

A mathematician and an engineer play a game to get laid…

At the other end of this room,” the Game Master points out, “is a beautiful, young, naked, consenting woman. If you reach her, she will fulfill any and all of your fantasies.”

The mathematician and engineer both look at each other with excitement.

“The only rule is that each step you...

With the current international situation, you'd think that the Russian Tea Rooms in New York would be experiencing a downturn in business. Quite the contrary, business is so good, they've expanded...

...into the Ukrainian Village Restaurant on 2nd Ave.

A General was dispatched to the Kremlin I order to give Putin an update on the situation in Ukraine.

When he got there, he was met at the door by a Marshall, who pulled him aside and whispered “The President is a very busy man, and he only has the time for a single word from you, so think it over, and choose your word wisely!”

So the general mulled it over, as he nervously awaited his call. ...

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Sometimes you just have to accept the facts of a situation.....

Back in the 20s when most kitchens didn't have refrigerators but ice boxes instead, a man is driving a horse drawn wagon selling blocks of ice around town.

Rolling thru the streets he'd call out "Ice! Ice for sale! Ice!"

A lady on the 5th floor of one building he's passing yells down,...

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Just a little update on the situation with my son because some of you have been fairly concerned.

He has taken going to jail pretty hard. He is refusing all food, spitting and screaming at everyone and is threatening violence at anyone who comes near him. He has smeared the walls with his shit and is refusing to wear any clothes.

As a family we are united in our decision not to play Mo...

Asked my friend in Moscow what he thought of the situation over there

He said "I can't complain."

How does a Midwesterner get out of a painful social situation?

They pop an OPE-ioid

Greatest situational joke I've ever told...

A girl I know was talking about how her white mum was an Indian chef, which my other friend couldn't quite grasp and said "How can your mum be an Indian chef if she's not Indian?"

I replied "You can be a pizza chef and not be a pizza".

Had a couple people in tears saying that so I tho...

My financial situation is so bad....

...... I'm being sponsored by a child in Africa

- Congratulations ! You’ve just won the most-awkward-situations award

-really?!!

-not you , the dude on your right

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Ammo situation is getting desperate

This morning I lucked out and was able to buy several cases of ammo.
On the way home I stopped at the gas station and this drop dead gorgeous blond was filling up her car at the next pump.

She looked at the ammo in the back of my car and said in a very sexy
voice, "I'm a big believer i...

A Perilous Situation

A blonde and a redhead are hanging from a cliff by a rope. Things don't look good; the rope will surely snap from their combined weight. Unless one of them lets go, they'll both die. The redhead tells the blonde this. A tense silence falls over them. Finally, the redhead sighs.

"I never thoug...

In a dangerous situation, I'd always put my children first.

I do this because I have a crippling habit of hiding behind my mistakes.

Still in disbelief over this covid19 situation ...

Want to rub my eyes and wake up, but afraid to touch my face.

Trump was asked if he's certain he's got the pandemic situation under control

His response: "I'm positive"

Why do women only talk about hypothetical situations?

I don't know, but I if I did I'd tell you all about it.

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Morass is a complicated or confused situation

And this occurs when your girlfriend catches you looking for morass.

I was forced into a difficult situation and I needed a scape goat.

It turns out that keeping an emotional support goat on the fire escape is not such a good idea.

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Milking the situation.

So I'm just sitting there at the register and I see a customer approaching, before I can say hi, he runs past me with a gallon of milk in his hand.

Seeing the situation my manager says "that bastard just stole some milk"

And I respond "huh, how dairy"

And that's how I lost my j...

People always say that the Romans didn’t handle the whole Jesus situation very well

I think they nailed it.

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I once got into a fight where it was like, a one versus twenty situation.

Boy did we beat the shit out of that guy.

War. A battalion is under heavy enemy fire.

The commander gathers his soldiers and explains:

**Commander**: Listen men, we can't hold for long. We must retreat and come back with reinforcements. However, someone must stay behind and cover our backs. And whoever he is... our supply situation is bad. All we can give him is three grenades...

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What Starts with F and ends with K?

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms....

The situation with Palestine...

...Israeli getting out of hand.

Did you hear of the man with the same first and last name?

It was a Nguyen, Nguyen situation.

In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine...

Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came on just as I was filling the can

If you aren't impressed with the picture of the first Black Hole

you clearly don't understand the gravity of the situation

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A situation occurred that called for a penis joke.

but i was unable to think of one, until a few minutes later.


you might say i had, a post-mature ejokulation.


(not sure if NSFW so better safe than sorry, am reddit nub)

...a confusing situation!

What do you get when you cross a joke with time travel...?

Who's guiltier in this situation?

Husband and wife are both sleeping. Suddenly, the wife yells out "My Husband's Home!!" And the husband rolls out of bed and jumps out of the window.

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A tattoo artist went to a coffee place and ordered coffee but forgot his wallet...

so he tells the woman at the counter that he can't pay for it. The woman gets angry at first and then asks "What can we do about this situation?" The tattoo artist says "Well I can give you a tattoo for free instead and we can call it even". The woman thinks for a while, reluctantly agrees to it and...

The situation I'm in right now is just like a pirate

On the one hand, I'm not sure if this is funny.

And other hand... Well... There isn't another hand...

Before the surgery, the anesthesiologist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle...

It was an ether/oar situation.

If I got a quarter for every time a situation confused me ...

... I'd say, "Hey! Why's everyone giving me all these quarters?"

This social situation during Covid has been really hard on me emotionally.

Everyone has been so distant.

Before my surgery today, the anesthesiologist asked if I'd like to be knocked out with gas or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle. So I guess it was...

...an ether/oar situation.

The Post Office slowdown has made America's human trafficking situation even worse.

I've read that farmers are receiving hundreds of dead chicks in the mail.

How does a tree handle an awkward situation?

It leaves.

The situation down south is too much

People unhappy, wanting to leave their country and come over to ours like they're entitled to it, corrupt law forces and an all around mess. As a Canadian this is too much

Have you heard about the situation in the Middle East

It’s pretty Syrias

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Look at the situation in Saudi Arabia

- Royal princes are getting killed

- they fuck their cousins

- they go to war with neighboring countries

- they have stupid rulers

It’s like Game of thrones - Middle East version

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A sticky situation

One day, a horse and a rabbit were playing on a farm, when all of a sudden, the horse gets stuck in a giant puddle of mud. Frantically looking for help, the rabbit decides to get the farmer's Mercedes, tie a rope around the horse, and pull him out. Finally, after an hour or so, the rabbit manages to...

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What do you call a situation in which a person died while his penis was erect ?

A Die Hard situation

How many Texas cops does it take to save children from an active shooter?

Still under investigation.







Edit: For those who assume I think any part of this situation is funny... [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black\_comedy](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_comedy). Also who gave me a Wholesome award? That's seriously messed up.

Edit ...

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One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!"

The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation.
The doctor thought for a moment and said "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit."
The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method ...

A silver lining about this Brett Kavanaugh situation

is that the phrase “sober as a judge” is waaaay more applicable to my life.

The ironic thing about the James Gunn situation

I am seeing a lot of conservatives being anti Gunn

What do you call the situation where you’ve already applied lube, but still can’t put it in?

Lubri-cant

While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth. Just as he throws another peanut into the air, the front door opens, causing him to turn his head. The peanut falls into his ear and gets stuck.

His daughter comes in with her date.
The man explains the situation, and the daughter's date says, "I can get the peanut out."
He tells the father to sit down, shoves two fingers into the father's nose, and tells him to blow hard.
The father blows, and the peanut flies out of his ear.
Af...

[Discussion] Anyone have any jokes for this situation?

Firstly, i'm not exactly sure if i'm allowed to post this type of thread. If i'm not, please redirect me to a subreddit that could possibly help before spewing mindless hatred.

A friend of mine has started dating a new girl recently and she's two years younger than him and she's underage. The...

I'm so happy that my financial situation has finally improved.

I just found out the African boy I've been sponsoring has been eaten by a lion.

With the situation in Ukraine...

Putin is giving a speech to his people
- My people, due Wests sanctions we'll need to tighten our belts and work harder!
Voice from the crowd:
- We will work two shifts!
- Thank you, you must be real patriot of our country! And we'll have to give up western goods and productio...

Now that all the Thai boys were rescued, we can now joke about the situation.

But please, don't everybody go at once.

BuzzFeed vs. Reddit war (reworked joke for the situation)

BuzzFeed and Reddit were at war.

BuzzFeed was on one side of a hill and Reddit was on the other side.

Reddit yells: I only have 1 meme over here but i bet it can beat your best 100 memes.

BuzzFeed send their best 100 memes. After some time Reddit yells back: Send your best 1000...

What do you call a hypothetical situation where a snake chases an asian from point A to point B

A Python-Korean Theorum

How does Superman get out of risky situations?

He always has an ‘S’ cape

I'll have you know I'm in a great financial situation.

Even my credit card company says my balance is outstanding!

What do cattle ranching and an increasingly intense situation have in common?

They both involve raising stakes (steaks)

"Better late than never" works with any situation

Though not as much with funerals

I was thinking...

If a parent is trying to put his child to sleep and the child is refusing, wouldn’t it be illegal because technically the child is resisting a rest?

But then I realized it’s a lose-lose situation and it’s illegal either way because if the child willingly goes to sleep it makes it a kid nappi...

If the situation we’re in right now were an anime, what would it be called?

Your Lockdown in April

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[Anecdote] Sometimes friends bring light to even the darkest situations

This happened back when I was in university back in 2012. During those days in my hometown there was an insurgent outfit that was on the verge of extinction but would occasionally surface to issue (empty) threats of violence through the media, particularly before National Holidays since they were a ...

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The current situation in America reminds me of a porn video i watched

Where everyone gets fucked but nobody gets paid

Three stereotypes (one that you don't like) are in this particular situation

The first two act in a normal or clever way, while the third confirms some negative thing you want to think about the stereotype, but in a humorous way!!

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A man walks into the local cathedral and says to the rector, “I would like to join this fucking church.”

The rector is astonished. “I beg your pardon, sir . . . I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?”
“Are you deaf? I said I want to join this fucking church!”

“I’m sorry, sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this building.”
“Okay, twat face, I want to speak to someon...

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If Theresa May was put in the same situation as the first episode of Black Mirror...

Do you think she would've been okay with the Prime Minister fucking her?

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A man haunted by his sins went to the church for a confession with the priest...

There's a devout Catholic man who once committed a regrettable act – he gave his best friend a blowjob while intoxicated. Filled with remorse, he decided to seek forgiveness from God and headed to the church.

Inside the church, he approached the priest and says he wants to confessed his sin, ...

One of the many situations women tend to handle the wrong way...

Ladies, if a man brings you breakfast whilst you are still in bed, he wants to hear: "Oooh, that is so cute, thank you! I love you!" and not "HOW THE FRAK DID YOU GET INTO MY HOUSE YOU FRAKKING CREEP?!?!?!".



Just FYI.

The funniest thing about this whole situation

Didn't some of the reddit admins promise greater transparency or something? And then they just had this whole situation drop on us without any official explanation or announcement or reasoning.

Sure they might not have an obligation to discuss about a particular employee, but this certainly i...

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A man with a penis growing on his forehead visits the doctor, worried.

"Doctor, I have a penis growing on my forehead!"

The doctor examines the situation, sits the man down and asks, "Have you been to South America?"

"South America? No, not at all!"

The doctor responds, "You should go, they have stunning beaches and beautiful girls there.” Then ask...

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A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Bulgarian businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating…

She says, "What the hell do you guys think you are doing?"

One of the Bulgarian men says, "Can't you see? Ve arrrre all verrry, verrry hoongry."

The waitress makes a stroking motion and says, "So how is whacking-off in the middle of the restaurant going to help that situation??"
<...

A man dies one day and finds himself in Hell, much to his surprise.

The man has never sinned, he has attended church somewhat regularly and often gives to charity.

He asks at the gate if there has been a mistake to which the ferryman gives no answer.

He figures there is little hope for him, but somehow he will make the best of his situation.

He ...

How is the situation husband with his pregnant wife

Husband wanted to call the hospital
to ask about his pregnant wife,
but accidently called the cricket stadium.

He asks, "How's the situation?"

He was shocked & nearly died on hearing the reply.

They said, "It's fine. 3 are out,
hope to get another 7 out by lunch,...

My wife is divorcing me because I keep getting aroused by serious situations. She tried to explain it away, but I said, "Baby, please...

"Don't make this harder than it already is."

I asked the librarian if she had any books on embarrassing situations.

She said, "Sorry, I don't work here."

I have a friend who is paralysed, which is great for high pressure situations.

She doesn’t really feel nerves anymore.

Did you hear about the hostage situation at the spice factory?

They used a cumin shield.

In Vietnam, what do you call a situation where both parties benefit?

Nguyen Nguyen situation

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On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family’s only cow was lying dead in the field.

The situation looked hopeless to her-how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?
In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself.
When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.
...

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At a public beach, a man decides to take a swim

As the water reaches his waist, he suddenly feels a hand grab him by the balls. A voice asks, "Plus two or minus two?"
Startled, the man quickly replies, “Plus two!” The hand releases him. He rushes to the shore and checks his pants to find he now has four balls.

Determined to fix the sit...

“Going down the rabbit hole” is an expression meaning to enter into a strange or complicated situation,

And also to a person exploring their new furry kink.

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