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My dick was in the Guinness world records books

Until the librarian kicked me out

My neighbour holds the Guinness world record for most concussions.

He lives very close, just a stone's throw away

People are usually shocked that I have a police record.

But I love their Greatest hits !

That Brit at Canberra airport get asked at customs desk if he has a criminal record.

"No, " He answers, puzzled, "I thought it wasn't required anymore."

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My penis was in the Guinness world record book

Then the librarian asked me to leave

So i went to the record shop and asked the assistant 'What have you got by the Doors? "

He said "An exit sign and a fire bucket"

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After years of failure Jerry finally broke the world record for the longest ejaculation. (18 feet and 9 inches)

He did what no man could that came before him

My wife was giving a speech at her parents’ wedding anniversary, and my phone battery ran out in the middle of recording it.

Now I’ll never hear the end of it.

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Guys, did you know that I have a shetland pony who can sing?! I was going to record and share a video the other day but...

...he was a little hoarse.

There was an old woman listening to the radio when she heard a song called “Two Lips and Seven Kisses.” She decided to call the radio station to get the name of the record company. In dialing, she erroneously called up a gas station, and she asks, “Do you have “Two Lips and Seven Kisses?”

The gas station attendant who answered the phone said, “No, but I have two nuts and seven inches!”

So the woman asked, “Is that a record?”

To which the man replied, “No, its average!”

What did the Mexican say when he left the recording studio?

Audios.

How did the speed runner beat the world record on hair stylist simulator?

He took a shortcut.

What did Darth Vader say when the record store employee told him they were out of George Michael albums?

I find your lack of 'Faith' disturbing.

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My girlfriend has been secretly recording me for years and now she’s blackmailing me into doing all these gross fetishes of hers

I just wish I had realized earlier because now she has a lot of shit on me

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This is a joke my dad told me a long time ago. I hope I don't offend anyone.

A young man was inspired to help out with his church's fundraiser. He asked the preacher if he could participate. The preacher, knowing the young man had a bad stutter, only gave him 3 bibles to sell.

The following day the young man returned asking for more. The preacher gave him 5. The follo...

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I recorded my baby's first cry and put it in Google Translate

It read:
"Oh fuck, I should have taken the blue pill."

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If you only sucked average sized penises...

You could accurately say that you suck a mean dick.

Edit: The amount of upvotes on this post has exceeded the final recorded megawatt output from Chernobyl’s reactor number 4 on the morning of the Chernobyl disaster. (33,000)

The reactor was designed to operate at 3,200 megawatts.

The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.



He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”

“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”

"That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.
...

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Just broke my personal masturbation record today

I know for certain every one of those guys left satisfied!

The world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds they make is walking down the street.

He passes a record store that's advertising a sale. The sign says "45 RPM Vinyl First Editions, European Wasps and The Sounds They Make." Naturally, he's intrigued. So he stops on in and says to the record man, "excuse me, but I am the worlds leading expert on European Wasps and the sounds they make...

Our marijuana dispensary has a recorded message...

“If you want to buy marijuana press the hash key now”.

My friend keeps obnoxiously bragging that he broke my record for deep sea diving.

That’s a new low.

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3 guys walk into a bar...

3 guys walk into the bar, and soon begin a competition.

The first man says, "I have small arms, I bet I have the smallest arms in the world!"

The second man carries on, "I have tiny feet, I bet I have the smallest feet in the world!"

The third man stands up proudly, and announce...

Three friends die and go to heaven...

and meet God at the gate. God tells them that he will give them cars to drive into heaven, but first they have to tell him how many times they cheated on their wives, and they shouldn't bother lying because he has a big record book of every person's actions.

God turns to the first man and ask...

My grandfather was responsible for 35 downed German planes in WWII.

Still to this day he holds the record as the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

I broke two of my dads Queen records...

Now I want to break three.

Not all criminal records are bad

Some warrants are outstanding.

I would like to put on record my appreciation for the guys who play the triangle in orchestras.

Thanks for every ting.

I was pulled over last night and the officer asked me if I had a police record.

I told him “no but I have a couple albums by Sting.

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My girlfriend buys old sex toys for money and records herself using them.

She’s a pawn star and a porn star.

A long haired 16 year-old with a rich grandmother is trying to get her to buy him a car, but she says she will only do it if he cuts his hair

Not wanting to lose his long hair, the teenager argues with her over the course of days. "Grandma, all the other kids have a car!" She replies "I don't care, cut your hair and you can have one too." This argument is repeated multiple times a day, with him also making other arguments. Grandma doesn't...

I was applying for Australian citizenship and the interviewer asked, “Do you have a criminal record?”

I said, “No. Is that still required?”

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A guy goes into a record shop

and says "do you have any sound effects albums of insect noises? Crickets, cicadas, beetles, that sort of thing?"

Store guy: "yeah only this second hand vinyl, should be perfect though."

Guy buys the record but he's back to the shop within the hour, says "sorry mate this record is no...

Why did the songwriter eat Turkish food before recording a song?

They had heard that posthumous songs do well in the charts.

Did you know my pp used to be in the Guinness book of world records?

Well it was, until I got kicked out of the library

A Guinness world record judge was fired for obsessing over pun world records

He would go on to describe the firing as the worlds biggest mistake

Did you know Google now has a platform for recording your bowel movements?

It's called Google Sheets.

What would have been Beethoven's record label?

Deaf Jam.

[Long]A man who owned a clock shop wanted to set a world record.

He found one: Most battery powered devices he’d at once. He decided to use his clocks. As he was holding more and more, a crowd started to gather. However the man hadn’t been paying his taxes on time. An IRS guy saw him on his way to collect the mans taxes. He asked the man to pay his taxes. The man...

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I caught my mom recording my gf and I having sex...

Thankfully it was on timelapse so she only got 1 frame.

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Everyone thought Kim Jung Un was in a vegetative state, but actually he was in the studio recording his acoustic album

Kim Jung Unplugged.

The Wolf of Wall Street

Martin Scorsese's film "The Wolf of Wall Street" broke a record by using the word "F**k" or "F**king" 506 times. That actually beats a record set by me in 2010, trying to put an Ikea chair together.

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Two friends are walking their dogs--a Dalmatian and a Chihuahua--when they smell something delicious coming from a nearby restaurant.

The guy with the Dalmatian says, "Let's get something to eat."

But the guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can’t go in there, we have dogs with us."

So the first guy says, "Just follow my lead." He puts on a pair of sunglasses and walks into the restaurant.

"Sorry," says the owner,...

So we are doing blonde jokes now?

Two blondes are hiking through the woods hunting when they come across some tracks. The first says they are the largest moose tracks they have ever seen, they should follow them and get a record kill. The second disagrees, saying they are the largest bear tracks they have ever seen and they need t...

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Idk where i heard it

A man flies to Australia, when he arrives the lady at the airport asks him if he has a criminal record, the man answers ''crap are those still required?''

I saw my wife using her phone to record her getting a haircut..

i think she's planning to watch the highlights later..

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Reading of last will

His nurse, his wife, his daughter and two
sons, are with him.
He asks for two witnesses to be present and
a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes.
When all is ready he begins to speak.

"My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Ocean Reef houses."
"My daughter Sybil, yo...

Guitar Horse

A horse and his mother are in the barn watching TV when an ad comes on. It's for a music school that can teach anyone to play any insturment, guaranteed. The horse has always wanted to be play the guitar, so he calls them up.

"Hey, I want to learn to play the guitar," he says, "Can you teach ...

A little British boy raises his hand to ask his teacher a question

"Miss, My mother says freedom is the most beautiful thing in the world. What does freedom mean?"

The teacher seeing the importance of this question for the sweet, innocent child, thinks quickly about how best to respond.

She smiles sweetly and says "Why don't you come up and tell the c...

I went to a record shop and asked them for something by The Smiths.

The owner went out the back and came back with a longsword and pair of gauntlets.

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The Tale of the Animal Band

So there was this horse, and recently he had gone through some tough times. His wife left him, he lost his job, and rent day was coming ever closer. This is when he had a brainwave: He was going to get his childhood band back together. So the first member to convince was the cow. Now the cow was pre...

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What do a recorder flute and a vampire prostitute have in common?

They both blow sharp.

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So there’s this farm. On this farm, there’s a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

So there’s this farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the ...

I opened a record/DJ store in Israel but it went out of business.

Maybe “The Vinyl Solution” wasn’t the best choice of name

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The prize fighter and the Texan

A prizefighter was driving across West Texas with his wife. He said, "Honey, I've been thinking. I've always heard how tough Texans are. Here I am with a 20-0 record in the ring. I feel like I'm tough but I've never fought a Texan. It's got me to wondering."

The wife said, "Oh Honey, that doe...

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Darth Vader walks into his local record shop and asks for a copy of George Michael's debut solo album

The guy behind the counter says "I'm sorry, it's out of stock."

Darth Vader shakes his head and says "I find your lack of Faith disturbing..."

18 years ago my dad made the best dad joke ever recorded.

“Me”

NASA was preparing for the Apollo project

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, some of the training of the astronauts took place on a Navajo reservation.
One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question that his son translated. "What are...

What's the average temperature at Motown Records?

Three Degrees, Four Tops.

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My younger sister just got a job at the mall

It is her first job, and she's working as a salesperson at that lotion, soap, and candle place. I'm not going to name names, but you know it, over there in the mall, right next to that new smoothie place where they put chia seeds in all their smoothies. They are really good smoothies, but I digress....

TIL that after recording for Mulan, Eddie Murphy designed a line of sneakers for cows.

They were called Moo Shoes.

The current world record for longest joke...

The current world record for longest joke is 49 minutes. The next world record will be set at the end of Trumps Presidency

a joke from 2009

The Red Indians ask their new chief whether the winter will be cold or mild. Since the young chief never learned the ways of his ancestors, he tells them to collect firewood, then he calls the National Weather Service.

"Will the winter be bad?" he asks.

"Looks like it," is the answer.<...

Google knows!

Subject: Today's Reality


CALLER: Is this Gordon's Pizza?


GOOGLE: No sir, it's Google Pizza.


CALLER: I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.


GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.


CALLER: OK. I would like to order a ...

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A struggling rock band...

A struggling indies band from Brooklyn, The Spoonerists, was in the process of recording their debut album. The artistic sentiment of the group led them to use ambient sounds from nature in their arrangements. One of the members of the band took it upon himself to go out in to the field and make rec...

Every day I beat my own previous record

for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

The oldest recorded English joke dates back to the 10th Century AD. and goes:

"What hangs at a mans thigh and
wants to poke the hole that it's
often poked before?
Answer: A key'

Best Salesman of the year

At a sales conference, one of the awards went to Matthew for best salesman. He’d sold a record quantity of mouthwash. After he’d been presented with his award, he was asked for the secret of his success.

“Oh it’s simple really,” said Matthew. “I set up a mobile stall during rush-hour and give...

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The horse, the cow, and the chicken[LONG]

So a horse, a cow, and a chicken live on a farm. One day their owner goes on vacation but accidentally leaves the TV on. The animals peek in the window and witness a rock concert on the TV, theyre inspired.

So the horse calls up guitar center, and asks “hey I want to learn the guitar, but the...

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I had sex with a vegan and didn't know she recorded it

Until I found the video on QuornHub

A telemarketer called me up 15 minutes ago on my cellphone (they call every fxxking day)

He said, "We have a vehicle warranty and have noticed that you are in need of one."

I said, "How do you know that I am in need of a warranty right now?"

He said, "Your previous warranty just recently lapsed and we need to make sure that you are continually covered."

I said, "I a...

After extensive investigations and many phone calls, the police found that, despite the fact that I’m black, I’ve got a good job, no criminal record and I own the BMW I was driving.

So they arrested me for wasting police time.

I told my wife I was going to cut my hair after breaking the world record for hair length.

But it really grew on me.

What movie did you go see?

My parents had great fun teasing each other and yanking each other's chains.

They were visiting me (38m at the time) and my wife+kids, and my Dad & I went out to see a movie. We found Jurassic Park I (in 3D), and went to see that. It was an enjoyable experience.

When we were on o...

New 911 audio recordings of Chris Browns assault on Rihanna has been released to the public for the first time.

It’s called Chris Browns greatest hits.

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A wealthy Texan oil tycoon made his way to Ireland one day

as he walked into an Irish pub there he made a declaration to all them that were in the room. He pulled out a wad of five-thousand dollars in cash and placed it on the bar. He said, " I hear you Irish can drink, so I put to you the challenge that not one of y'all can drink five hundred shots back to...

I was looking out the window this morning and saw a man mugging someone at gunpoint. I took my phone and started recording but realized I had the front cam on. He got away before I could switch.

Welp, I can see myself making this mistake again.

The US government should use ICE to ensure kids are going to school this fall

They have a pretty good track record of separating kids from their families

A powerlifter recently set the world record for bench press after losing it a year ago. When asked how he felt after regaining his title, he said

“It’s a huge weight off my chest.”

Why are murders so hard to solve in Alabama?

There are no dental records and all the DNA is the same.

I started University with a good medical record...

...and left with a good criminal record.

Result.

How do you break the world record for the fastest time down a mountain?

Climb the smallest mountain.

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My girlfriend doesn’t think I can break the masturbating world record

I think I could pull it off

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The teacher asks how you put 2 holes in 1 hole.

Nobody knows the answer so she puts her index finger and thumb together and places it over her nose.

Little Johnny then asks the teacher "How do you put 6 holes in 1 hole?"

She says she doesn't know.

He says "You put a recorder up your pussy!"

The teacher, surprised by th...

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I may have just have broken the record for the largest dump

Sorry for the shitpost

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The Guinness Book of World Records mislabeled the world record for the world’s largest penis.

They claimed the record holder was ‘Donald J Trump’, who then tweeted out the error, claiming his thing was big, but not that big.

GWR corrected themselves with a reprint two days later, instead saying he isn’t the record holder, but instead, he is the record,

I recorded 2 countries having a conversation. Here it is

‘Oman?’
Yemen!’

A big record label gathered Eminem, Dr. Dre, and Andre 3000 to collaborate on a new album.

Eminem said, "I'll perform."
Dr. Dre said, "I'll produce."
And Andre 3000 said, "I'll write I'll write I'll write I'll write I'll write I'll write I'll write I'll write I'll write I'll write I'll write I'll write I'll write I'll write I'll write I'll write!"

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My friend thinks I can set the masturbation world record.

Honestly, I don't think I can pull it off.

Alleged record holder has managed to stay underwater holding his breath for 27 minutes

His funeral is on friday

So Mark Zuckerberg and The Pope walk into a bar...

They sit down when suddenly Mark spills his drink on The Popes' robes. They get into a fight. A film crew recorded them duking it out and made a film out of it...

Alien vs Predator

What do you call a clock made out of records?

Its the vinyl countdown

So we agreed with each other, when we have intercourse next time we will record it.

Let's just say there's one more gif in my gallery.

How did the hotdog get the job despite having a criminal record?

It was a misde-wiener

I invented worlds hottest chilipowder to put in the Guinness World records book.

Just really tired to kick people out of my library.

A British man is visiting Australia.

The man at customs asks him


"Do you have a criminal record?"


The British man replies


"I didn't think you'd need one to get into Australia any more."

I think i got on the guiness book of world records for most octupus caught in a day

Sadly im not allowed back at the aquarium any more

A wasp expert walks into a record shop

He goes to the owner and asks if they have the new edition of wasp sounds 2019.
The record shop owner says that they have it in stock and asks if the wasp expert would like to listen too it before he buys.

The wasp expert agrees and the record is placed on the record player.
The pin goe...

If your stuck on a desert island what record would like to have?

Long-distance swimming record would be handy.

With no sports on tv, I'm watching birds fight over worms in the yard...

Only time the Orioles have had a winning record.

The only reason Avengers Endgame broke all those box office records

Is because Doctor Strange watched it 14.000.605 times

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