I was pulled over last night and the officer asked me if I had a police record.

I told him “no but I have a couple albums by Sting.

The oldest recorded English joke dates back to the 10th Century AD. and goes:

"What hangs at a mans thigh and
wants to poke the hole that it's
often poked before?
Answer: A key'

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My dick was in the Guinness book of world record

Shortly after I got kicked out the library

The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.

He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”
 

“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”


 "That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.
 ...

I broke two of my dads Queen records...

Now I want to break three.

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My penis was in the Guinness book of world records

Then the librarian told me to take it out.

The current world record for longest joke...

The current world record for longest joke is 49 minutes. The next world record will be set at the end of Trumps Presidency

I would like to put on record my appreciation for the guys who play the triangle in orchestras.

Thanks for every ting.

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I may have just have broken the record for the largest dump

Sorry for the shitpost

How did the hotdog get the job despite having a criminal record?

It was a misde-wiener

I was applying for Australian citizenship and the interviewer asked, “Do you have a criminal record?”

I said, “No. Is that still required?”

How do you break the world record for the fastest time down a mountain?

Climb the smallest mountain.

New 911 audio recordings of Chris Browns assault on Rihanna has been released to the public for the first time.

It’s called Chris Browns greatest hits.

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Darth Vader walks into his local record shop and asks for a copy of George Michael's debut solo album

The guy behind the counter says "I'm sorry, it's out of stock."

Darth Vader shakes his head and says "I find your lack of Faith disturbing..."

I think i got on the guiness book of world records for most octupus caught in a day

Sadly im not allowed back at the aquarium any more

So we agreed with each other, when we have intercourse next time we will record it.

Let's just say there's one more gif in my gallery.

Did you hear about the Irishman who bought a copy of "Guinness World Records"??

He thought it was an L.P of Irish drinking songs

I recorded 2 countries having a conversation. Here it is

‘Oman?’
Yemen!’

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My butt hair is so long, it made it to the Guinness Book of Records.

Not for long though. They threw me out of the library pretty quickly.

After extensive investigations and many phone calls, the police found that, despite the fact that I’m black, I’ve got a good job, no criminal record and I own the BMW I was driving.

So they arrested me for wasting police time.

Alleged record holder has managed to stay underwater holding his breath for 27 minutes

His funeral is on friday

Scientists are saying that this year was one of the warmest on record

Don't worry though, they say that every year

Every day I beat my own previous record

for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

What do you call a clock made out of records?

Its the vinyl countdown

A wasp expert walks into a record shop

He goes to the owner and asks if they have the new edition of wasp sounds 2019.
The record shop owner says that they have it in stock and asks if the wasp expert would like to listen too it before he buys.

The wasp expert agrees and the record is placed on the record player.
The pin goe...

If your stuck on a desert island what record would like to have?

Long-distance swimming record would be handy.

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My girlfriend doesn’t think I can break the masturbating world record

I think I could pull it off

I invented worlds hottest chilipowder to put in the Guinness World records book.

Just really tired to kick people out of my library.

A big record label gathered Eminem, Dr. Dre, and Andre 3000 to collaborate on a new album.

Eminem said, "I'll perform."
Dr. Dre said, "I'll produce."
And Andre 3000 said, "I'll write I'll write I'll write I'll write I'll write I'll write I'll write I'll write I'll write I'll write I'll write I'll write I'll write I'll write I'll write I'll write!"

What do you get when you play a country record backwards?

You get all your stuff back!

My driving record was too perfect.

So I got in trouble for wreckless driving.

Why Are Murders So Hard To Solve In The U.S. Deep South?

All the DNA is the same and there are no dental records...

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My friend thinks I can set the masturbation world record.

Honestly, I don't think I can pull it off.

Someone threw my 70s records on the fire.

It was a disco inferno.

I’m trying to set the world record for counting from 0 to 1 in the fastest time. I will never give up, even if I can’t ever see and end in sight.

Currently on 0.876278134

Every time my wife gets her hair dyed, she records it on her phone.

I think she watches the highlights later.

Sarah was in the fertilized egg business.

She had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters. Each bell had a different ton...

What do you get when you break the world record for “not moving for the longest amount of time”?

A certificate and atrophy.

Tomorrow is Black Friday just be decent and civilized

By holding the cell phone horizontal when recording any fights.

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3 little people were gathered around a Guinness World Record book, and they all wanted in.

The first looked at his hands and said "I have small hands! I bet I can get in with these guys!"

The second looked at her feet saying "hey, I have small feet! I bet I can get in for the smallest feet!"

The third looked at (you probably guessed it) his penis, saying "okay... I'm a shoe-...

Trump said global warming was a hoax and he could easily make temperatures "the lowest ever recorded" this summer.

So he switched the US to Celsius.

The only reason Avengers Endgame broke all those box office records

Is because Doctor Strange watched it 14.000.605 times

In 1939, an unusual farm animal named Gertrude became the first cow to climb to the peak of Everest carrying gear for the climbers, setting a world record that still stands unbroken.

Since then, the steaks have never been higher.

I’m going for the Guinness world record for wasting other people’s time.

Thanks for helping.

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[In court] Me: Your honour, I was having sex between the hours of 10 and 11 on that day.

Judge: Who the hell are you? You are not even in this trial.

Me: I just wanted to get it on the record.

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So there's a farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse says "you know what? I'm gonna learn how to do that."

So the horse calls up Guitar Center, and...

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Favorite Joke by Dad Verbatim

A joke my dad told 30 years ago:

A handicapped guy with a hair lip goes looking for a job. He comes across a toothbrush company and applies for a job. The manager looks at him and says "we sell toothbrushes here, do you think you can do that?"

"Yeth thir, I'll dooo my best." Guy goes...

A journalist asked Tim Cook why iPhones are so expensive

"Well", said Tim Cook, "that's because the iPhone replaces a whole bunch of devices. A phone, a camera, a watch, a music player, a video player, a PDA, a voice recorder, a GPS navigator, a flashlight, a calculator, a portable gaming console, and many other things. Surely, a high price is worth payin...

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XXXTentacion just beat Taylor Swift’s Spotify streaming record.

even in the afterlife, he’s still beating women.

I broke several word records today.

In other news, I am no longer welcome in the library.

Of all the Guinness world records my Dad held...

He told me the one where he ate a grandfather clock was the most time consuming.

When I was in the army I got 300 recorded kills in six months.

Then they kicked me out of the catering corp.

I went to a record shop to buy my dad a new vinyl, I said “what’ve you got by the doors?”

He said “a bucket of sand and a fire extinguisher”



- Tim Vine

I just lasted 61 mins in bed a new record!

Thanks Daylight savings time...

You hear of the dyslexic Satanist?

They play their vinyl records forward.

I've decided I'm going to start collecting records. It's my desicion,

and that's vinyl!

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The fighter and the Texan

A prizefighter was driving across West Texas with his wife. He said, "Honey, I've been thinking. I've always heard how tough Texans are. Here I am with a 20-0 record in the ring. I feel like I'm tough but I've never fought a Texan. Before we get through this state, I'm going to have to whip a Texan'...

Something you don't know about me - I'm an authority on wasp sounds.

Anyway I was out for the day and it started to rain. So I wandered into a junk shop, I was looking through the records, the LPs were of no interest so I looked in the singles. Johnny Mathis, Val Doonican, Wasp sounds fro...wait! What's this? "Wasp Sounds From Around The World!" I want this! It's onl...

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Did you hear about the guy who tried to break the world record for number of times masturbating in one day?

He almost pulled it off!

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My friend currently holds the world record for the smallest penis.

I’m guessing it would be really hard to beat.

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I’ve been training for months to achieve the world record title of ‘Furthest Ejaculation’.

I can’t believe how far I’ve come.

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, some of the training of the astronauts took place on a Navajo reservation. One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question that his son translated.

"What are these guys in the big suits doing?" A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. Recognizing a promotional opportunity, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. Afte...

A young man walks into a record store and asks the clerk, “Do you have anything by the Doors?”

“Sure,” replies the clerk, “a mop bucket and a fire extinguisher.”

I tried playing my Demi Lovato record today

But the needle kept getting stuck

A new doctor came into town and set up shop 4 months ago.

I’m a doctor too, so I was worried about losing any of my clientele. Sure enough, some of my regulars failed to reschedule appointments and I started getting faxed requests to send their medical records over to this new doctor.

After a few months had passed, things weren’t improving and appoi...

A fifty year old lawyer who has been...

A fifty year old lawyer who has been practicing since he was 25 passed away and arrived at the pearly gates for judgment.

The lawyer said to St. Peter:

"There must be some mistake. I am only 50 years old, and that's far too young to die."

St. Peter frowned and consulted his book...

My neighbour holds the world record for most concussions...

He lives just a stone's throw away


Credit to Stewart Francis

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My penis was once in the Guinness World Records.

Until the librarian told me to take it out.

Edit : Thank You Very Very Much Kind Strangers..
This Is My First Gold.
I Can't Even Express My Joy About This.
Thanks Again Guys.

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Diary of an Englishman after he moves to South Africa....

**August 1**: Just got transferred with work from London, UK to our new home in Phalaborwa, Limpopo, South Africa. Now this is a town that knows how to live! Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. I watched the sunset from a deckchair by our pool yesterday. It was beautiful. I’ve finally fo...

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Lawyer: I heard the oompa loompas singing. what are you planning on doing to these kids, Willy?

**Wonka:**

**lawyer:**

**Wonka:** ifitsokaytokillthemsaywhat

**lawyer:** I'm sorry what?

**Wonka:** *[stuffing tape recorder in pocket]* oh what, I didnt say nothing.

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He masturbated for 5 hours longer than the previous record.

He really beat it.

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Three guys walk into a bar and try to get Guinness World Records.

Guy 1: So I’ve been thinking: my head is pretty small. So I’m thinking, maybe I could get the Guinness World Record for smallest head.

Guy 2: Actually, now that you mention it, my arm is pretty small. Maybe I could get the Guinness World Record for smallest arm.

Guy 3: Well, I don’t li...

A woman was told to send a facsimile copy of their child’s medical records to a specialist when their child fell very ill.

She didn’t deliver, the child died, turns out she was anti-fax.

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So some racehorses are chatting in the stables. When one starts to boast of his track record. "Out of my last 15 races, I've won 8!"

"That's nothing, I've won 19 of my last 27," said another.

"Oh that's good," says an older horse. "But out of my last 36 races, I've won
28!"

At this point the racehorses notice that a greyhound had been siting silently,
listening into the conversation. "Excuse me gentlemen. But ...

You have to give Prince Phillip credit for his driving record....

He hasn’t been involved in any other accidents since 1997.

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Suggestions for Tesla sentry mode...

(based on a thread over in r/TeslaMotors)

Tesla Sentry Mode is the name of the car's feature that detects when someone is near the car when it is parked; it saves video from that time period and notifies the owner how many incidents have occurred while s/he's been away from the car. It also p...

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With Japan beating Scotland in the rugby World Cup they just need to beat England

They already have a good record against whales

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A woman wants her vaginal lips reduced in size

A woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were flapping in the breeze. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses careful...

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Doug lived all of his life in the Florida Keys. On his deathbed, he realizes the end is imminent.

He calls his family to be near his side, along with his lawyer to record his last wishes.
"My son, Andy; you take the Ocean Reef houses. My daughter, Sybil, take the apartments between mile marker 100 and Tavernier. My son Jamie- I want you to take the offices over in the Marathon Government Cen...

A small local zoo is losing business because it has a terrible track record keeping its animals alive.

The customers are noticing the sickly animals and they're not coming back.

In a desperate ploy the zoo decides to hire a new position. They hire an ambitious young man to dress up as a gorilla.

"It's an easy job", they explain in the interview. "Climb up and down the ropes, swing on...

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Wrong number.

A lady called a music store about a recording, but dialed wrong and connected with a mechanic instead. She asked, "Do you have 2 lips and 7 kisses?"
He said, "No..But I have 2 balls and 7 inches."
She responded, "Is that a record?"
He said, "No But it's a damn good average"

I got fired from my job by a jealous manager for breaking too many records.

I'm guessing that the vintage music industry is just not for me...

A psychiatrist arrives for a house call and is greeted by a panicked mother

Who shows him to her son’s room. Her son had taken an extreme interest in First Nations culture in the past years going as far as packing his room with First Nations ornaments and trinkets and even changing his name to Spirit Eagle. However, the interesting state of his room was over shadowed by the...

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My grandfather was responsible for 49 downed German planes.

Still to this day, he holds the record for worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

Fuck word to hide the post since I cant mark it as spoiler on mobile

Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, is taking a stroll down his local high street. As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye. "Just Released - New LP - Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now"

Unable to resist the temptation, Brian goes into the shop. "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."

"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like t...

Pizza Google

A man calls Pizza Hut:

--Hello, Pizza Hut?

--No, sir. Pizza Google

--Oh, sorry. Wrong number..

--No sir, it's the correct number, it's just that Google bought Pizza Hut

--Oh... okay, so... take my order, please

--Same as always?

--And how do you know ...

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following let...

There was once a marathon runner who had become quite famous and won many awards for his records.

He was so well liked that eventually he became the president of Iran. During his tenure he managed to take over multiple countries including Azerbaijan, Bulgaria, Greece, Armenia, Georgia, Iraq and Syria. They were all assimilated and became a part of Iran. The only country he didn’t manage to take ...

An Irishman just drank 100 liters of beer in 30 minutes.

They called it a Guinness World Record.

My neighbor has had a record of 57 concussions.

He lives really close to me ... stone throws away, in fact.

Joe Biden and Barack Obama are going for a morning jog.

Joe finishes at just under 11 minutes, but Barack is waiting for him at the finish line already.

"what time did you get?" asks Joe.

"I ran pretty well, did under 10 minutes this time", answers Obama. "By the way, what's the standing record amongst the presidents now? Bill at 9 and a h...

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A CNN reporter, a BBC reporter, and an Israeli commando are captured by ISIS in Syria.

The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.

The CNN Reporter said, "Well, I’m an American, so I’d like one last hamburger with French fries.”

The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the burger &am...

People hate me for buying a record player...

But I think it was a sound investment

Aaron Hernandez set a new NFL record

Longest hang time by a player who doesn't punt

Bill,a pro at the local golf course,and Ray,his longtime friend and caddy,went out golfing.

Bill was getting lined up for the most critical putt of his life.It would mean the course record and TenThousand dollars.When a funeral procession came by,Bill stops what he was doing,takes off his hat,holds it to his chest,and bows his head.

"What the hell is wrong with you,"Ray asks?"This i...

(Stolen but golden) Stevie Wonder is in the recording studio at the end of a long hard day.

He's chewing the fat with a few of the technicians.

One of them asks:

“It must be hard being blind Stevie.”

To which Stevie replies:

“Yep, it's hard but at least I'm not black.”

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