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Record Jokes

I broke two of my dads Queen records...

Now I want to break three.

When I visited Australia, the immigration officer asked me if I had a criminal record…

Confused, I replied, “Oh, is that still required?”

The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.

He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”

“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”

"That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.

He li...

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My penis made it into the Guinness Book of World Records!

Librarian told me to take it out though

I would like to put on record my appreciation for the guys who play the triangle in orchestras.

Thanks for every ting.

The world leading expert on wasps is walking down the street when he passes a record store.

In the window he sees a record called "wasps of the world, and the sounds they make". Intrigued, he walks into the store.
He says to the shopkeeper "I'll have that wasp record in the window please. You know I'm the world leading expert in wasps, there are thousands of different species of wasp, ...

King Charles has a realistic chance of breaking one of Queen Elizabeths most famous records:

The record number of 15 prime ministers during her reign.

My neighbour is in the the GUINNESS WORLD RECORDS.

He's had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me. A stone's throw away, in fact.

I was pulled over last night and the officer asked me if I had a police record.

I told him “no but I have a couple albums by Sting.

Aaron Hernandez set a new NFL record

Longest hang time by a player who doesn't punt

My dad said that when he dies, he wants his ashes to be put in a record player.

It’s his vinyl request

Where does Phil Collins like to record music?

In the stu-stu-studio.

The recent widow is on trial for beating her guitar-playing husband to death. Seeing she has no record, the judge asks "first offender?"

She says "No, first a Gibson, then a Fender."

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The other day I visited the thrift shop and picked up an old record album called ‘Sound of Wasps’.

When I got home and played it I realised it didn’t sound anything like wasps!

Turns out I’d been playing the Bee side.

My dad and I play hide and seek a lot to beat each other's record. My record is 2 hours until he found me.

His record is 20 years and still counting.

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I attempted to break the world record for masturbating.

I nearly pulled it off.

A note in a medical record:

"No mental illneses whatsoever. Just a moron."

I don't know why, but the record for oldest person seems to be cursed.

Every time someone gets it, they die shortly afterwards.

The world's foremost authority on wasps is walking down the street when he sees an old vinyl record in the window of an antique shop, "Wasp noises from around the world".

Intrigued, he goes into the shop and asks if he can listen to it. "Certainly," says the shop assistant and pops it onto an ancient turntable. After listening to the first track for a while, the world's foremost authority on wasps is a bit confused.

"I don't recognise any of these noises, and ...

I found a vinyl record of Wasp Sounds at a charity shop...

...when I got home I put it on to listen to it - it was all wrong - the buzzing noises was nothing like wasp sounds.

Then I realised - I was playing the Bee side!

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After weeks of practice, I finally beat my record for how far I can shoot my jizz.

I can’t believe how far I’ve come.

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Just broke my record for distance of ejaculation.

I've cum a long way.

I've just beaten my personal best record at 100 metres sprint!

My record is now at 54 metres.

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I attempted to beat a personal record and masturbate twenty times in one day...

And I actually managed to pull it off.

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Guinness world record attempt !

Three roommates were hanging out in the living room one day, when one of them opened an email on their phone.

"Hey guys, the Guinness book of world records is coming to town! We should go get into it somehow!"

The shortest roommate, who was only 3 feet tall says "I'm going to go see if...

Why does the Toyota Prius have more accidents on record than any other car?

It's really hard to drive safe while patting yourself on the back.

France sets new land speed record

A truly great outcome for the engineers and the driver of the vehicle they named, "S" Car Go.

I had a job in high school where I literally broke every record

Of course I worked at Tower Records, so not such a good thing.

Good News! I've just become the leap frog world record holder

On the downside I'm now banned from ever entering any mosque again!

I don't have a criminal record

Not since the fire.

I went to a record store, they said they specialized in hard-to-find records…

nothing was alphabetized!

Where do they record all the dad jokes?

In the Daddabase.

These exchanges were recorded verbatim by court reporters and published in the book, "Disorder in the American Courts".

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget..

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

WITNESS: How would I know?
___...

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The Tin Man's Record Collection

I was in Oz visiting the Tin Woodsman' and I discovered his large record collection, I asked if I could flip through it. Awkwardly he said I could but warned me that he was ashamed of it. I shrugged it off and began flipping through, he had an album by every band I could think of, Stones, yup. Skyny...

I called Apple Records in England because I wanted to talk to Ringo.

The recording told me to press the “star key.”

If you give someone a Mahler Symphony record as a gift

Would it be considered a “Gustav Christmas Present?”

A guy is record shopping at a local music store…

and goes up to the clerk and says “I’m looking for that classic 90s Seattle grunge sound on vinyl if you carry it.” Clerk says reluctantly, “I’m sorry the only styles we carry are children’s, Christian, classical, or folk.” The man looks puzzled and becomes a tad irate. He responds back saying, “You...

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A man records his wedding night…

A man decides to audio record his wedding night and one year later on their anniversary, play it back to re-live the wonderful sounds his wife was making that night. So he played it back and she was saying “ah ah…that’s happiness”. He was moved to tears.

He decided to share this special mome...

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I just started working in a record store.

A Shifty Looking Guy walks in and says.

"got anything by The Doors?"

I said "yes 2 cameras and an alarm, now fuck off"!

I don’t have a Police record,

but I do have a Sting CD.

I've got a pretty long Police record....

It's a full 44 minutes long and contains "Every Breath You Take"

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Chris Pratt, Jesus, and Hitler are sitting in a bar...

Jesus, Chris Pratt, and Hitler are sitting at a bar drinkin' a few brews.

Jesus says, "Hey we should all try and get in the Guinness Book of World Records!"

To which Chris Pratt replies, "Yeah, I bet I could get in it for most loved person in history."

Jesus then says, "and I be...

Who had the first recorded OD?

Saint Stephen. He was stoned to death.

A man tries to fix his own record player....

He gets it running again, but it is turning at half the speed so nothing sounds right. He calls a few antique shops and flea markets until he finds someone that used to fix record players, and who then offers to take a look at it. So the technician opens up the player, and says "I don't know who was...

Record low temperatures causing snow and freezing all over the southern United States.

Finally: white people in Texas are having problems with ICE.

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My wife kicked me out of the house just because she walked in on me whilst measuring my penis

Just for the record, it reaches the back of her sister's throat!

Scientists record the sound of two helium atoms laughing.

HeHe

Where do anarchists keep their records?

Anarchive

2021 - Russian Military is the 2nd strongest in the world

2022 - Russian Military is the 2nd strongest in Ukraine
2023 - Russian Military is the 2nd strongest in Russia

It looks like the Russian Military is aiming for a record-breaking streak as the world's best 'second place'!

Why are California almond farmers so concerned about the record cold temperatures?

They don't want their nuts to freeze off.

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A young soldier was sent to the personnel office and assigned the task of registering recruits for life insurance.

Because of the cost, most soldiers didn't buy the life insurance, but after only 1 month on the job he had sold a record number of policies.

His captain noticed but thought it was a fluke. However, the following month, he doubled sales. A month later, when he set the army record for policies ...

I just read that the world record for shoe size is 37...

That's no small feet!

This year's World Cup in Qatar has already broken a world record

The World Cup with the least amount of DUI's.

Wedding night world record

A young man returns to work after his honeymoon. His mates are all quizzing him about the wedding night.
"So Barry, how many times did you do it on the wedding night?"
Barry replies, "Seven times"
His mates are amazed. "Seven times! How did ya manage that ya legend?!"
Barry says, "Easy. ...

I told my girlfriend that brown rice was just white rice with a criminal record...

...she called me a riceist

Why are murders in Kentucky so hard to solve?

Because there are no dental records and all the DNA matches.

What did the doctor tell the nurse after he made a mistake on the blood type record

He made a type o

A guy walks into a record store and...

**Guy:** "Have you got "Jingle Bells" on a 12 inch?"

**Assistant:** "No, but I have "Dangle Balls" on a 10 inch"

**Guy:** "Thats **NOT** a record!!"

**Assistant:** "It's not far off"

Out of Respect for Meat Loaf Passing I Went to the Record Shoppe

They had Bat out of Hell and Bat Out of Hell Volume 2 but I couldn't find Volume 3. I asked them about it.

They told me "Two out of three ain't bad."

The greatest ever song about tortoises was recorded 40 years ago this year...

... "Turtle Eclipse of the Heart".

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If you only sucked average sized penises...

You could accurately say that you suck a mean dick.

Edit: The amount of upvotes on this post has exceeded the final recorded megawatt output from Chernobyl’s reactor number 4 on the morning of the Chernobyl disaster. (33,000)

The reactor was designed to operate at 3,200 megawatts.

People are usually shocked that I have a police record.

But I love their Greatest hits !

A British man is visiting Australia.

The man at customs asks him
"Do you have a criminal record?"
The British man replies
"I didn't think you'd need one to get into Australia any more."

My Grandfather downed 35 German aircraft during WW2

He still holds the record as the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

What do you get when you play a country music record backwards?

You get you wife back, your truck back, your dog back...

World record neighbour

My neighbour has proudly informed me that he has made the world record books.. for having the most concussions ever recorded... 147.

I was happy for him, after all he is a close neighbour, only living a stones throw away...

TIL in the early '80s, Michael Jackson almost founded a Mexican restaurant, and "Billy Jean" was originally recorded as a promo for the restaurant

He was going to call it "Nacho Daddy"

Did you hear Humpty Dumpty’s egg business posted record profits in Q3?

He had a great fall.

When my employer asked if I had a criminal record...

...I guess "highest number of robberies in an hour" wasn't the answer he was looking for.

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A guy goes into a record shop

and says "do you have any sound effects albums of insect noises? Crickets, cicadas, beetles, that sort of thing?"

Store guy: "yeah only this second hand vinyl, should be perfect though."

Guy buys the record but he's back to the shop within the hour, says "sorry mate this record is no...

A wasp expert walks into a record shop

He goes to the owner and asks if they have the new edition of wasp sounds 2019.
The record shop owner says that they have it in stock and asks if the wasp expert would like to listen too it before he buys.

The wasp expert agrees and the record is placed on the record player.
The pin goe...

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Exciting news, I recently broke several new records.

The owner of the record store was kind of a jerk about it though.

For a long time nobody bought records

Then the tables started to turn

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People say, hey man why should we trust you? What's your track record?

Well, I think my track record speaks for itself.

4x100m Relay - Last

110m Hurdles - Last

1500m - Last

100m - Second Last (suck shit Craig)

4000m - DNF (medical)

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What did Hitler call his records store?

The Vinyl Solution.

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I was just reading that Martin Scorsese's film "The Wolf of Wall Street" broke a record by using the word "Fuck" or "Fucking" 506 times.

That actually beats a record set by me in 2003, trying to put an Ikea wardrobe together.

A Guinness world record judge was fired for obsessing over pun world records

He would go on to describe the firing as the worlds biggest mistake

What did they call the Soviet athlete Marina when she crossed the finish line and set the 400-meter hurdle world record?

Marina Stepanova

Jonathon Ross forgot to record the new Star Wars film...

What a wookie mistake

Every day I beat my own previous record

for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

what's the difference between a trampoline and a recorder?

You leave your shoes on to jump on a recorder.

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Darth Vader walks into a record store.

Clerk: ‘Sorry, your excellency, we don’t have that George Michael album in stock.’

Vader: ‘I find your lack of “Faith” disturbing.’

Got stopped by police last night. They asked me if I had a police record

Yes, walking on the moon from 1979

A journalist asked Tim Cook why iPhones are so expensive

"Well", said Tim Cook, "that's because the iPhone replaces a whole bunch of devices. A phone, a camera, a watch, a music player, a video player, a PDA, a voice recorder, a GPS navigator, a flashlight, a calculator, a portable gaming console, and many other things. Surely, a high price is worth payin...

Our Pharmaceutical company's records show that people prefer Pill A and Pill B...

But I think Pill O is being slept on.

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Did you know that I hold the World's Record for the smallest penis?

It's really hard to beat...

Someone stole all my Bach records

They just baroque in and took them.

This Halloween was the scariest one on record.

All the kids went as ghosts. And all houses were abandoned.

A hunter kills and eats a bald eagle, and is arrested for violating the Endangered Species Act. He pleads guilty, and throws himself on the mercy of the court.

"Your Honor," the hunter said, "I had no idea that it was illegal to kill and eat a bald eagle. If you let me go, I'll never do it again."

"You've committed a very serious crime," the judge replies. "But you clearly weren't aware of the law, so I'm willing to overlook it this one time. How...

A friend of mine works in a recording studio and he was telling me which are the best speakers to buy.

It was sound advice.

The world record for a drum solo is 10 hours and 17 minutes.

It’s held by the kid who sat behind me on American Airlines flight 86 from DFW to Paris.

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Internet speed world record broken in Japan with 319Tb/s data transer speed

But still the contents will be blurry

Grandpa died in the hospital because they had the wrong blood type on record

It was a Type O.

The world's oldest recorded joke in history.

I'm a long-time fan of this sub-reddit and frequent up-voter, but I seldomly have anything funny to post, so here is the oldest joke in recorded history, dating back to 1900 BC (almost 4 thousand years ago from ancient Sumeria):

Q: What is something that has never before occurred since time i...

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This is a joke my dad told me a long time ago. I hope I don't offend anyone.

A young man was inspired to help out with his church's fundraiser. He asked the preacher if he could participate. The preacher, knowing the young man had a bad stutter, only gave him 3 bibles to sell.

The following day the young man returned asking for more. The preacher gave him 5. The follo...

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American Records

3 Americans sit in the Office of Guinness Book of Records, talking why they there.
The first flash his dick with 0.8 inches and said:"I have the shortest fick in the States".
The second shows his birth certificate, is 107 years old and said:"I am the oldest American"
The third flashes his ...

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My girlfriend doesn’t think I can break the masturbating world record

I think I could pull it off

Planes have an absolutely perfect record.

We've never left one up there.

I just lasted 61 mins in bed a new record!

Thanks Daylight savings time...

A horse is bored, so he's sitting at home watching MTV

This was back when MTV played music videos. So, he's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"

The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play gu...

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My friend currently holds the world record for the smallest penis.

I’m guessing it would be really hard to beat.

I know someone who’s an introvert and he ALMOST broke a world record.

He was just shy.

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Doctor's office has a fire and loses all their records...

"I'm sorry Mr. Johnson but the results of your wife's test came back positive, but I can't remember if it was AIDS or Alzheimer's" said the doctor.

"Well that's not very helpful. What the hell am I to do?"

The doctor thinks for a bit and says "I have an idea. Take her out to the woods ...

I tried to open a record store in Tel Aviv.

Perhaps The Vinyl Solution was a poor choice of name.

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