The world leading expert on wasps is walking down the street when he passes a record store.

In the window he sees a record called "wasps of the world, and the sounds they make". Intrigued, he walks into the store.
He says to the shopkeeper "I'll have that wasp record in the window please. You know I'm the world leading expert in wasps, there are thousands of different species of wasp, ...

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My penis made it into the Guinness Book of World Records!

Librarian told me to take it out though

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The other day I visited the thrift shop and picked up an old record album called ‘Sound of Wasps’.

When I got home and played it I realised it didn’t sound anything like wasps!

Turns out I’d been playing the Bee side.

Paleontologists are celebrating the finding of the largest dinosaur tibia in recorded history

It's a real shin-dig!

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Internet speed world record broken in Japan with 319Tb/s data transer speed

But still the contents will be blurry

A hunter kills and eats a bald eagle, and is arrested for violating the Endangered Species Act. He pleads guilty, and throws himself on the mercy of the court.

"Your Honor," the hunter said, "I had no idea that it was illegal to kill and eat a bald eagle. If you let me go, I'll never do it again."

"You've committed a very serious crime," the judge replies. "But you clearly weren't aware of the law, so I'm willing to overlook it this one time. How...

The world record for a drum solo is 10 hours and 17 minutes.

It’s held by the kid who sat behind me on American Airlines flight 86 from DFW to Paris.

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Farmer Greg

A seasoned farmer named Greg had finally mastered his craft. He toiled day and night to understand every detail to growing the perfect crop. After 30 years he had made enough money to retire, but Greg wanted more. He wanted local recognition and fame.


So he decided to grow the state’s ...

Over the next day, Oregon is expected to break the hottest temperatures ever recorded in its entire history, some places as hot as 118°F (47.78°C)

NOT cool.

Grandpa died in the hospital because they had the wrong blood type on record

It was a Type O.

I plugged my phone into a power bank and now it has an arrest record...

it was charged with battery

When I die, I wish to be buried with my record collection...

It will be my Vinyl resting place

Record low temperatures causing snow and freezing all over the southern United States.

Finally: white people in Texas are having problems with ICE.

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I attempted to beat a personal record and masturbate twenty times in one day...

And I actually managed to pull it off.

Got stopped by police last night. They asked me if I had a police record

Yes, walking on the moon from 1979

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A good man dies and goes to heaven where God, impressed by the man's life record, grants him one final wish.

"Well, God, I know this seems petty, but I've never won at blackjack."

That's okay, my friend, God says, and He snaps His fingers and He and the man are sitting at a blackjack table in Vegas. The man puts up a $1,000 bet. The dealer's showing a 6 and the man's showing a 17. The man signals th...

The world's foremost authority on wasps is walking down the street when he sees an old vinyl record in the window of an antique shop, "Wasp noises from around the world".

Intrigued, he goes into the shop and asks if he can listen to it. "Certainly," says the shop assistant and pops it onto an ancient turntable. After listening to the first track for a while, the world's foremost authority on wasps is a bit confused.

"I don't recognise any of these noises, and ...

I got the strangest recording when I called the phone company the other day.

It said, "You have been connected to the correct department on the first try. This is against company policy. Please hang up and redial."

This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic.

If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire. If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off. If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little ...

Everything in 2020 happened to be recorded for a movie and the director is...

Quarantin Tatarino

Why's it so hard to solve a redneck murder?

Cause the DNA's all the same and there ain't no dental records.

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After weeks of practice, I finally beat my record for how far I can shoot my jizz.

I can’t believe how far I’ve come.

Jonathon Ross forgot to record the new Star Wars film...

What a wookie mistake

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Three little dwarfs

Three little dwarfs were hanging out when one said “I think I have the world’s smallest hands!”

The second dwarf said “I think I have the world’s smallest feet!”

The third dwarf said “I think I have the world’s smallest penis!”

They made an appointment with the guinness book o...

I read about a feudal uprising where a duke's son was killed by rebels.

They used a trebuchet to knock him off the battlements with the only available ordinance: a peasant's decapitated head.

It was the first recorded instance of a serf-face-to-heir missile.

I know someone who’s an introvert and he ALMOST broke a world record.

He was just shy.

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It was autumn, and the Indians on the reservation asked their new chief if it was going to be a cold winter...

It was autumn, and the Indians on the reservation asked their new chief if it was going to be a cold winter. Raised in the ways of the modern world, the chief had never been taught the old secrets and had no way of knowing whether the winter would be cold or mild. To be on the safe side, he advised ...

Someone stole all my Bach records

They just baroque in and took them.

I broke two of my dads Queen records...

Now I want to break three.

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Miracles CAN Occur! NSFW

There's a city with a fierce storm and the flood waters threaten to rise.

A devout man goes outside and prays, "Dear Lord, please save me from this flood!"

A bus rolls up to the man and says, "Get in! I'm taking you to safety!"

The man says, "No. God will provide for me." And t...

Why couldn't the cowboy please his partner?

He thought 8 seconds was some kind of record

SpaceX have developed a new type of rocket that can fly to the moon in record-breaking time.

It's a regular rocket, with "GME" written on it.

The other day, I set a world record for the fastest Shake Weight reps..

.. on a side note, my doctor said I need to start taking my epilepsy medication regularly, but it slows me down.

The pitcher who held the record for walking batters had a reputation as a tough guy.

Because it took a lot of balls.

I wanted an Australian Visa. They asked if I had a criminal record?

Two little Boys is that good enough?

Soviet financial inspector visits a synagogue

Soviet financial inspector visits synagogue with a mission to prove that local Jewish community hides some profits from tax authorities.

As he looks through the books and find nothing suspicious - an idea comes to his mind.

He asks rabbi:

\- Rabbi, soviet authorities sent you 10...

What's the difference between 'Completed' and 'Finished'?

What's the difference between 'Completed' and 'Finished'?

No dictionary has been able to define the difference between 'Complete' and 'Finished'. But I am here to set the record straight.

When you marry the right woman, you are 'Complete'. If you marry the wrong woman, you are 'Finishe...

The world's oldest recorded joke in history.

I'm a long-time fan of this sub-reddit and frequent up-voter, but I seldomly have anything funny to post, so here is the oldest joke in recorded history, dating back to 1900 BC (almost 4 thousand years ago from ancient Sumeria):

Q: What is something that has never before occurred since time i...

Why are murders so difficult to solve in Alabama?

All the DNA matches and there are no dental records

I studied the cantaloupe joke

I’ve done it! I studied the origin of the cantaloupe joke. Then I then fact checked it into the night, and oh my God, it works on every level! I now present to you, the cantaloupe joke, and why it works.

Why must a melon get married in a church and nowhere else?


Because, due to i...

I was applying for Australian citizenship and the interviewer asked, “Do you have a criminal record?”

I said, “No. Is that still required?”

Being Asian at the Olympics

Child: Wins Bronze

Parent: Could have won silver


Child: Wins Silver

Parent: Could have won gold


Child: Wins Gold

Parent: Could have broken the World Record (WR)


Child: Broke WR

Parent: Could have been a Doctor

I would like to put on record my appreciation for the guys who play the triangle in orchestras.

Thanks for every ting.

The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.

He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”

“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”

"That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.

He li...

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My wife kicked me out of the house just because she walked in on me whilst measuring my penis

Just for the record, it reaches the back of her sister's throat!

People are usually shocked that I have a police record.

But I love their Greatest hits !

My neighbour holds the Guinness world record for most concussions.

He lives very close, just a stone's throw away

I was pulled over last night and the officer asked me if I had a police record.

I told him “no but I have a couple albums by Sting.

The police caught a person erasing people's criminal records

They said he was a real pro for a first offender.

What happens when you play a Country music record in reverse?

Your dog ressurects, your wife goes back home, you get your job back and Donald Trump finally leaves office.

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A woman went to a synagogue in Poland after the Holocaust to record the history that was nearly lost forever, where she found an unusual tradition she had never seen before.

At the synagogue, when they carried the Torah\*, they would bring it around to everyone who wanted to touch the Torah, which was normal. But when they brought the Torah down the center aisle, the carrier would get down on their knees and knee-walk all the way!

The woman had never heard of thi...

A man got hired as a freight train conductor. He wasn't very good and was responsible for significant losses of cargo, but he kept covering it up.

At one point he murdered another man who knew what was happening, and soon he started killing more threats to his position as conductor.

But a few years passed, and the conductor's murder record was discovered. Given the severity of his crimes, he was sentenced to death by electric chair....

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A CNN reporter, a BBC reporter, and an Israeli commando are captured by ISIS in Syria.

The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.

The CNN Reporter said, "Well, I’m an American, so I’d like one last hamburger with French fries.”

The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the burger &am...

There was once a rich politician (long)

He had everything you could possibly want: countless wealth, endless land, and a beautiful mansion. But he also had an 18-year-old daughter, and she had not yet found a suitable husband.

To ensure that his daughter would find the right man to marry, he conducted a test. He invited every young...

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A couple of India originated jokes

*****
What is the way to the cemetery?

Go straight and take the last rite
*****

2 men from Kerala get onto a bus in New York. They sit down & engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next 2 them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears...

My wife was giving a speech at her parents’ wedding anniversary, and my phone battery ran out in the middle of recording it.

Now I’ll never hear the end of it.

What did Darth Vader say when the record store employee told him they were out of George Michael albums?

I find your lack of 'Faith' disturbing.

TIL I learned that Bono from U2 holds the record for most private investigators hired to recover a lost heirloom.

To this day he still hasn't found what he's looking for.

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An Irishman walked into a bar.

He saw a few guys sitting round a table. One of them was holding a pint. He gulped down half the cup, then spluttered and coughed it up.
The other guys laughed. "You lose!"

The Irishman approached the table and picked up the glass. "I'll show you how we do this in Ireland. Start the timer!...

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The Blowjob Class

Chantelle and her man are happily married, but their adventurous days in bed are long gone. To boost their sex life, Chantelle decides to participate in a blowjob class.

In the first lesson, the instructor introduced herself: "My name is Monica and I am a blowjob expert. What you will learn i...

This Halloween was the scariest one on record.

All the kids went as ghosts. And all houses were abandoned.

My boss calls me "the computer"

Nothing to do with intelligence,
I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes

EDIT thank you all so much this is my first ever post to hit 1k upvotes and get awards
2nd edit wow 3k this post has blown out my previous record of 789 out of the water thank you so much

The first recorded joke dates back to the 10th century A.D. and goes:

“What hangs at a mans thigh and wants to poke the whole that it’s often poked before?” A key!

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3 men get drunk at a bar...

The first guy goes: "You know what? My arm is really small, like, really really small. I reckon it's legitimately the smallest arm in the world"

The second guy goes: "Come to think of it, my head is tiny, I think I have the smallest head in the world"

Third guy goes: "I've never told...

Two heroin addicts die and stand before Saint Peter at the pearly gates

They ask Saint Peter if they’re allowed in, and Peter reviews their records.

“Wow, I’m really not sure guys. It says here you’ve done a lot of bad things. Stealing, lying, generally bad addict behavior things. I can’t make this call, I have to go ask the big guy himself”, Peter says.

...

Did you hear about the priest who died trying to beat Jesus’s fasting record of 40 days?

I guess if you can’t beat em, join em.

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Guys, did you know that I have a shetland pony who can sing?! I was going to record and share a video the other day but...

...he was a little hoarse.

So i went to the record shop and asked the assistant 'What have you got by the Doors? "

He said "An exit sign and a fire bucket"

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I like recording myself drinking tea whilst having kinky sex with a woman...

...I call the video "50 shades of Earl Grey"

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An alien spacecraft lands in a rice paddy in rural Japan...

An alien spacecraft lands in a rice paddy in rural Japan and out comes a silver-suited alien, who floats overs to an old rice farmer standing in amazement.

"HUMAN CREATURE," the alien bellows, "WE LAST VISITED YOUR PLANET A HUNDRED THOUSAND OF YOUR EARTH YEARS AGO. TELL US HOW YOU HAVE EVOLVE...

A man is obsessed with reeling in a big fish... A man is obsessed with reeling in a big fish, so much so that he eventually buys a huge, synthetic sturgeon and hangs it on the wall above his fireplace.

Eventually, however, looking at the fake trophy makes the man feel like a fraud, and he can't stand it.

One day, he makes a final attempt at fishing up something impressive. Finally, after hours of waiting, he reels in a record-breaking chub, one that weighs more than any other in recorded hi...

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If you only sucked average sized penises...

You could accurately say that you suck a mean dick.

Edit: The amount of upvotes on this post has exceeded the final recorded megawatt output from Chernobyl’s reactor number 4 on the morning of the Chernobyl disaster. (33,000)

The reactor was designed to operate at 3,200 megawatts.

I tried to open a record store in Tel Aviv.

Perhaps The Vinyl Solution was a poor choice of name.

I broke the world record.

Yes. I passed Usain Bolt and finished it in 9.7 seconds. But why isn't my wife happy?

World record neighbour

My neighbour has proudly informed me that he has made the world record books.. for having the most concussions ever recorded... 147.

I was happy for him, after all he is a close neighbour, only living a stones throw away...

A crazy man put a gun to my head and told me if I don't break the world record for the tallest filet mignon tower he would kill me and my family.

The steaks have never been higher.

I just broke the record for the world's longest scream

Honestly I can't remember why I bought that thing on vinyl in the first place.

What did the Mexican say when he left the recording studio?

Audios.

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After years of failure Jerry finally broke the world record for the longest ejaculation. (18 feet and 9 inches)

He did what no man could that came before him

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I had sex for an hour and 4 minutes last night

Thank you daylight savings for helping me set a record.

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Just started work in a record store.

A Shifty Looking Guy walks in and says. "got anything by The Doors"?

I said "yes 2 cameras and an alarm, now fuck off"!

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Singles on a deserted island

A luxury cruise ship offered a cruise for young singles only. But halfway through the voyage, the ship crashed. The Captain had been having a affair and didn't see the giant rock formation. The cruise ship went down in record time (as did the Captain). Most people on board were too drunk to act fast...

How did the speed runner beat the world record on hair stylist simulator?

He took a shortcut.

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The Will

His nurse, his wife, his daughter, and two sons, are with him.
He asks for two witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes.

When all is ready, he begins to speak:

"My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Ocean Reef houses."

"My daughter Sybi...

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A guy goes into a record shop

and says "do you have any sound effects albums of insect noises? Crickets, cicadas, beetles, that sort of thing?"

Store guy: "yeah only this second hand vinyl, should be perfect though."

Guy buys the record but he's back to the shop within the hour, says "sorry mate this record is no...

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My girlfriend has been secretly recording me for years and now she’s blackmailing me into doing all these gross fetishes of hers

I just wish I had realized earlier because now she has a lot of shit on me

There was this guy working at McDonald’s.

and it was his turn to cook the French fries. So he put the frozen fries in the metal basket and dipped it in the oil. You see this guy was a veteran chef and used to be able to sense when food was cooked by looking at it's color or by smelling it, he never needed a timer or a meat thermometer or an...

The Brazilian president and his spouse are staying at a hotel in the USA, in the room 222

Close to 17:00 he calls the room service from the landline and says the following.

tu ti, tu tututu

The attendant has a hard time understating that request and considering that it is the president, not just some normal customer, comes to the conclusion that he must have overheard an en...

Pantera

If Dimebag Darrell joined a bank as an employee, he'd break a lot of records cos his processing time is 5 minutes a looooooooooooooooan

\m/

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Darth Vader walks into his local record shop and asks for a copy of George Michael's debut solo album

The guy behind the counter says "I'm sorry, it's out of stock."

Darth Vader shakes his head and says "I find your lack of Faith disturbing..."

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This is a joke my dad told me a long time ago. I hope I don't offend anyone.

A young man was inspired to help out with his church's fundraiser. He asked the preacher if he could participate. The preacher, knowing the young man had a bad stutter, only gave him 3 bibles to sell.

The following day the young man returned asking for more. The preacher gave him 5. The follo...

There was an old woman listening to the radio when she heard a song called “Two Lips and Seven Kisses.” She decided to call the radio station to get the name of the record company. In dialing, she erroneously called up a gas station, and she asks, “Do you have “Two Lips and Seven Kisses?”

The gas station attendant who answered the phone said, “No, but I have two nuts and seven inches!”

So the woman asked, “Is that a record?”

To which the man replied, “No, its average!”

My friend keeps obnoxiously bragging that he broke my record for deep sea diving.

That’s a new low.

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My girlfriend buys old sex toys for money and records herself using them.

She’s a pawn star and a porn star.

A Guinness world record judge was fired for obsessing over pun world records

He would go on to describe the firing as the worlds biggest mistake

Did you know Google now has a platform for recording your bowel movements?

It's called Google Sheets.

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Poor Dyslexic James (long, original)

James was dyslexic. Because of this, he always struggled in school. He was embarrassed by his dyslexia and never let on or got help for his problems, so his grades suffered. His teachers and guidance counsellors told him he’d never amount to anything. All his life, James just wanted to prove them wr...

I tried playing my Demi Lovato record today

But the needle kept getting stuck

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I recorded my baby's first cry and put it in Google Translate

It read:
"Oh fuck, I should have taken the blue pill."

Joe Biden and Kamala Harris go out for a morning run together

Kamala finishes in just under twelve minutes and Joe is already waiting for her at the finish line.

"How'd you do?" she asks him.

"I finished in 10 minutes and 46 seconds. That's got to be a new record among Presidents, right?"

"No" Kamala replies. "Bush did 9:11."

A horse is sitting at home, bored, watching MTV...

He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"

The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.

"Sure," says the ...

After extensive investigations and many phone calls, the police found that, despite the fact that I’m black, I’ve got a good job, no criminal record and I own the BMW I was driving.

So they arrested me for wasting police time.

I saw my wife using her phone to record her getting a haircut..

i think she's planning to watch the highlights later..

I went to a record shop and asked them for something by The Smiths.

The owner went out the back and came back with a longsword and pair of gauntlets.

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My girlfriend doesn’t think I can break the masturbating world record

I think I could pull it off

Every day I beat my own previous record

for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

The current world record for longest joke...

The current world record for longest joke is 49 minutes. The next world record will be set at the end of Trumps Presidency

Who was the greatest fisherman in the bible?

Jonah. He caught the biggest fish on record.

Aaron Hernandez set a new NFL record

Longest hang time by a player who doesn't punt

Our marijuana dispensary has a recorded message...

“If you want to buy marijuana press the hash key now”.

Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, is taking a stroll down his local high street. As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye. "Just Released - New LP - Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now"

Unable to resist the temptation, Brian goes into the shop. "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."

"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like t...

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