The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.

He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”

“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”

"That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.

He li...

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My penis was in the Guinness book of world records..

..until the police came and removed me from the library.

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I’ve been training for months to achieve the world record title of ‘Furthest Ejaculation’.

I can’t believe how far I’ve come.

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Did you hear about the guy who tried to break the world record for number of times masturbating in one day?

He almost pulled it off!

While applying for Australian citizenship the interviewer asked, "Do you have a criminal record?"

I replied, " No, is that still required?"

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My friend currently holds the world record for the smallest penis.

I’m guessing it would be really hard to beat.

You have to give Prince Phillip credit for his driving record....

He hasn’t been involved in any other accidents since 1997.

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XXXTentacion just beat Taylor Swift's Spotify streaming record

Even in the afterlife, XXX is still beating women

There was once a marathon runner who had become quite famous and won many awards for his records.

He was so well liked that eventually he became the president of Iran. During his tenure he managed to take over multiple countries including Azerbaijan, Bulgaria, Greece, Armenia, Georgia, Iraq and Syria. They were all assimilated and became a part of Iran. The only country he didn’t manage to take ...

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Three guys walk into a bar and try to get Guinness World Records.

Guy 1: So I’ve been thinking: my head is pretty small. So I’m thinking, maybe I could get the Guinness World Record for smallest head.

Guy 2: Actually, now that you mention it, my arm is pretty small. Maybe I could get the Guinness World Record for smallest arm.

Guy 3: Well, I don’t li...

TIL The record for most pushups while holding the office of President is John Quincy Adams with 1,023.

George W. Bush did 911

A small local zoo is losing business because it has a terrible track record keeping its animals alive.

The customers are noticing the sickly animals and they're not coming back.

In a desperate ploy the zoo decides to hire a new position. They hire an ambitious young man to dress up as a gorilla.

"It's an easy job", they explain in the interview. "Climb up and down the ropes, swing on...

What do you call a ship with a criminal record?

A thugboat.

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3 Men were looking to get in the world record book

So they look at each other, trying to find some notable qualities that will get them in the guiness book of world records. After some inspection, the first guy says

“Wow, I have some really long arm hair”

so he decides to go for the record. The second guy says

“Wow, I have som...

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The world record for longest consecutive constipation is 368 days

But if you ask me I say that guy was full of shit.

My neighbor has had a record of 57 concussions.

He lives really close to me ... stone throws away, in fact.

I tried playing my Demi Lovato record today

But the needle kept getting stuck

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Wife: “You stayed and cuddled for a full 30 minutes after sex! That’s a record!”

Husband: “I think I can get it down to 5!”

(True story).

People hate me for buying a record player...

But I think it was a sound investment

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So some racehorses are chatting in the stables. When one starts to boast of his track record. "Out of my last 15 races, I've won 8!"

"That's nothing, I've won 19 of my last 27," said another.

"Oh that's good," says an older horse. "But out of my last 36 races, I've won
28!"

At this point the racehorses notice that a greyhound had been siting silently,
listening into the conversation. "Excuse me gentlemen. But ...

I got fired from my job by a jealous manager for breaking too many records.

I'm guessing that the vintage music industry is just not for me...

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My Girlfriend thinks i can set a world record for masturbation

Do you think I can pull it off?

The average temperature outside Motown Records is

3 Degrees, 4 Tops

It's too bad Led Zeppelin never got to perform and record with a symphony orchestra.

They could've named it the Hindenburg Concertos.

People under 30’s never owned a vinyl record. They don’t know what’s like.

They don’t know what’s like.

They don’t know what’s like.

I don't know why you have to tailgate me when I'm already going 55 in a 35. And by the way, for the record

Those flashing lights on top of your car look ridiculous.

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I managed to get my dick into the Guinness book of world records...

But then they kicked me out of the library and threatened to call the police next time I showed face there ever again.

Who holds the record for longest time trapped in a cave with a soccer team?

It's a Thai

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My penis was once in the Guinness World Records.

Until the librarian told me to take it out.

Edit : Thank You Very Very Much Kind Strangers..
This Is My First Gold.
I Can't Even Express My Joy About This.
Thanks Again Guys.

I wrote to the Guinness Book of Records . . .

I wrote to the *Guinness Book of Records* and told them that I had a flat piece of plastic with a hole in the middle and multiple grooves. My question for them was, "Is this a record?"

Although it's expensive, I've started collecting records.

That's my decision, and it's vinyl.

What happens when you play a country music record backwards?

Your wife comes home, your truck starts, and your boots fit.

I just got caught breaking two of my dad's favorite queen records

Now I want to break three

A man who breaks the world record for longest survived coma is rewarded with

atrophy

Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, is taking a stroll down his local high street. As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye. "Just Released - New LP - Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now"

Unable to resist the temptation, Brian goes into the shop. "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."

"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like t...

Did you hear about the 70s style record company that burned down?

Yeah, it was a disc co. Inferno!

What world record is a death sentence if you fail?

Oldest person

That’s it; I’ve given up on buying CDs and MP3s. From now on, I will only buy records.

And that’s vinyl.

I just witnessed record breaking sprinter collapse out of breath...

He was inspiring

Germany sets a new record in the world cups.

They arrive in Moscow with ten thousand men. 40 km further than the old record in 1942.

I don't know why my friend was mad when I threw his frisbee...

He even said it was a new record.

Where are all the old Beatles records stored?

The Lennon closet.

Attempt to set world record orgy falls short of its goal ...

"Not enough people came" - Stephen Colbert

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A woman wants her vaginal lips reduced in size

A woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were flapping in the breeze. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses careful...

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following let...

Last time I went to Australia they asked me if I had a criminal record

Didn't think you still need one.

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The Eagles held the record for bestselling album of all time.

That was until Micheal Jackson beat it..

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I was just reading that Martin Scorsese's film "The Wolf of Wall Street" broke a record by using the word "Fuck" or "Fucking" 506 times.

That actually beats a record set by me in 2003, trying to put an Ikea wardrobe together.

Aaron Hernandez set a new NFL record

Longest hang time by a player who doesn't punt

*mugger pulls a knife*

Mugger: gimme your money

Me: well this night took a SHARP turn

*later*

Doctor: it's a record for amount of stabs

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The average speed of semen exiting the penis during ejaculation is 28 mph, which is slightly faster than Usain Bolt’s world-record running pace (27.8 mph)

If I was in a race with him, I'd come in first.

My dad and I play hide and seek a lot to beat each other's record. My record is 2 hours until he found me.

His record is 20 years and still counting.

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After practicing for 30 years, my best friend finally achieved the world record for "farthest ejaculation distance

I'm proud of him for how far he's come.

Last night I was driving home when I was pulled over by a cop. He asked me if I had a police record.

Apparently ‘Roxanne’ wasn’t the answer he wanted to hear. My court date is in a couple of weeks.

My neighbor's in the guinness book of records.

He's had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me, in fact it's just a stone's throw away.

Stephen Fry broke a world record when he read the entire Harry Potter series live on BBC Radio 4.

Listeners were disappointed that he didn't read it out loud...

I've got a pretty long Police record

It's a full 44 minutes long and contains "Every Breath You Take"

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Three men, Joe, Bro, and Buddy, all lived in a small town.

One day, Joe went hunting alone, and for the next few days no one heard from him. About a week afterwards, a body was found and brought into the coroner’s office.

The coroner, after thoroughly examining the body, needed a positive identification in order to verify that the body was indeed Jo...

I tried to open a record/ DJ shop in Israel.

I probably shouldn’t have named it Vinyl Solution.

Do you know which president has the cleanest record

Lincoln, he was in a cent

CSI Alabama was a failure . . .

. . . all of the DNA is too similar and there are no dental records.

Where does the lumber mill keep their records?

In log books

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The Smallest Dick In The World

3 guys are meeting at the pub. The first one said "I have the smallest arms in the world", the second "I have the smallest head in the world" and the third "I have the smallest dick in the world". Since they want all of that approved, they thought to go to the Guinness book of records. The first one...

I don't know why, but the record for oldest person seems to be cursed.

Every time someone gets it, they die shortly afterwards.

Little Suzy was upset and crying...

"What's wrong?" Asked her mother
"We learnt about the moon landing today." Said Suzy
"What's upsetting about that, I was a great American achievement." The mother explained
"Yeah but our teacher said that because of the sun the flag would turn white" Suzy sobbed out
"Yes that's because o...

I can't listen to my Vivaldi records.

They're all baroque.

A sprinter is training one day when he beats the world record.

After this he wakes up in the hospital with a concussion and a completely shattered foot.
"I'm afraid this happens sometimes in jokes," says the doctor, "and frankly you got off lightly. You reached the limit of what the laws of physics allow for and hit the fourth wall."

"Does this mean I...

In 1939, an unusual farm animal named Gertrude became the first cow to climb to the peak of Everest carrying gear for the climbers, setting a world record that still stands unbroken.

Since then, the steaks have never been higher.

I tried getting into Guinness World record by smashing up music albums

I broke a lot of records

*ba dum tis*

What is the world record for the most Chinese food eaten in one sitting?

Roughly wonton.

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Just broke my record for distance of ejaculation.

I've cum a long way.

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[NSFW] The world record for the longest cumshot is 14 Feet.

"Was it a local dude?"

"No, he came from afar."

Credits to u/Moontoya

A man broke the Guinness World Record by playing the same piano key 1,000 times in 1 minute

He then went home and broke the world record for most satisfied girlfriend.

What did the Canadian Sniper say after making a record-breaking kill shot?

Sorry

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Guinness Book of World Records

Recently I took a stroll through the forest when I met three dwarves. They started bragging:
"I bet I have the worlds smallest hands" said the first dwarf, the second dwarf said "I have the world smallest feet" and the last one claimed that he had the smallest dick on the planet.
I told them t...

Planes have an absolutely perfect record.

We've never left one up there.

What did Hitler call his records store?

The Vinyl Solution.

Did you hear about the Native American who tried to break the world's record for drinking tea?

They found him dead in his Tee Pee.

A horse is sitting at home, watching MTV ...

He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"

The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.

"Sure," says the m...

September: I had one of the worst hurricane months on record and Hugh Hefner died.

October: Hold my beer

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Paddy was on his deathbed and knew the end was near...

...His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him at his home in Belfast .
He asks for 2 independent witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes.

When all is ready he begins to speak:
"My son Seamus, I want you to take the houses in Cultra...

I told my girlfriend that brown rice was just white rice with a criminal record...

...she called me a riceist