Today I brought home a record I found at Goodwill. It was called "Sounds Wasps Make"...

I put it on my record player and thought, "This doesn't sound anything like wasps!" Then I realized I was playing the bee side.

Darth Vader walks into a record store

Darth Vader walks into a record store and asks if they have a copy of George Michael's first studio album. The clerk says they are sold out, to which Vader responds - I find your lack of Faith disturbing!

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When I was a kid my penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records.

The librarian told me to take it out.

The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.

He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”

“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”

"That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.

He list...

Everyone talks about the little Spanish flea, a record star he thought he'd be, but nobody talks about his cousin, the little Spanish tick.

He was a massive freaking prick.

People are usually shocked that I have a police record.

But I love their greatest hits.

Facebook responds to question about how they set the record for greatest single day loss in history:

“It’s quick and easy”

Out of Respect for Meat Loaf Passing I Went to the Record Shoppe

They had Bat out of Hell and Bat Out of Hell Volume 2 but I couldn't find Volume 3. I asked them about it.

They told me "Two out of three ain't bad."

Russia should be in the Book of World Records.

They are in the biggest game of

"I'm not touching you"

A cardiologist was taken into custody after it was found he was using recordings of sick patients in his music.

He was arrested for his sick beats

A guy walks into a record store and...

**Guy:** "Have you got "Jingle Bells" on a 12 inch?"

**Assistant:** "No, but I have "Dangle Balls" on a 10 inch"

**Guy:** "Thats **NOT** a record!!"

**Assistant:** "It's not far off"

The world leading expert on wasps is walking down the street when he passes a record store.

In the window he sees a record called "wasps of the world, and the sounds they make". Intrigued, he walks into the store.
He says to the shopkeeper "I'll have that wasp record in the window please. You know I'm the world leading expert in wasps, there are thousands of different species of wasp, ...

For a long time nobody bought records

Then the tables started to turn

Not to sound like a broken record but,

Not to sound like a broken record but, Not to sound like a broken record but,

Did you hear about the guy who broke all of Usain Bolt's records?

Completely destroyed his precious vinyl collection.

Scientists record the sound of two helium atoms laughing.

HeHe

I don’t have a Police record,

but I do have a Sting CD.

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What do you call a recording of a female to male sex reassignment surgery?

an unboxing video

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Three men are trying to get in the World Record Book

One man says, "hey, I have tiny hands, maybe I could get in for World's Smallest Hands." Another man says, "hey, I have tiny feet, maybe I could get in for World's Smallest Feet." The remaining man says, "hey, I have tiny testicles, maybe I could get in for World's Smallest Balls."

The three ...

Where did Phil Collins record all his songs?

In the Stu-Stu-Studio

What do you get when you play a country music record backwards?

You get you wife back, your truck back, your dog back...

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The other day I visited the thrift shop and picked up an old record album called ‘Sound of Wasps’.

When I got home and played it I realised it didn’t sound anything like wasps!

Turns out I’d been playing the Bee side.

I’m making a movie about looking for vintage records at thrift shops.

It’s called “Goodwill Hunting.”

A lawyer dies, and somehow manages to go to heaven

When he gets there, he's greeted by St. Peter himself. The lawyer says, "What happened? I wasn't in an accident and I'm too young to die. I'm only 52!"

St. Peter says, "Nope, by our records, you are 84, and that's a pretty good life."

The lawyer yells, "84! How did you figure that?...

Redneck murders are hard to solve

There aren’t any dental records and all of the DNA is the same

A man gets to heaven

He’s a small nerdy account type, and he’s met at the pearly gates by St Peter.

“Welcome,” says St Peter, opening a large book. “This book lists all the good things and bad things you did in your life. If you did more good than bad, you get to come in.”

“Sounds fair,” says the ma...

Good Evening and thank you for flying with us.

If you look out the left side, the engine there is on fire. If you look out the right side, the engine there has fallen off. If you look out the window straight down, you would see a speck on the ocean. That's the copilot and I on a raft. This is a recorded message. Have a safe flight.

A man was on his death bed trying to say his final words before passing away

He lifted his head and asked : "is my wife, with whom I spent my best and worst moments here?", his wife held his hand and said with tears in her eyes and sadness in her voice "yes honey I'm here"

he took a deep breath, then lifted his head again and asked : "are my children, who have s...

A reporter interviews a monk who's 130 years old

Reporter : According to the Guinness world record book you are the oldest living person in the world right now. What is your secret?
Monk : Well, for starters I don't argue with idiots.
Reporter : No way!
Monk : No way.

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Retiring from the British Army can be complicated. (Long)

Lt. Colonel Robert Maclaren retired from the British Army in 2001 after a long fulfilling career. On the day that he retired he received a letter from the Personnel Department of the Ministry of Defence setting out details of his pension and, in particular, the tax-free ‘lump sum’ award, (based upon...

An Englishman began procedures at the Immigration Department to move to Australia

Immigration: "Do you have a criminal record?"

British guy: "Is that still necessary?"

Glasses

A man walks into the opticians and asks if they can make him a new pair of glasses. the optician looks up the man's records and says, "We only made your glasses two months ago, how did they break.?" the man said, "They broke while I was kissing my girlfriend," The optician said, "How can you break y...

Wedding night world record

A young man returns to work after his honeymoon. His mates are all quizzing him about the wedding night.
"So Barry, how many times did you do it on the wedding night?"
Barry replies, "Seven times"
His mates are amazed. "Seven times! How did ya manage that ya legend?!"
Barry says, "Easy. ...

The world's foremost authority on wasps is walking down the street when he sees an old vinyl record in the window of an antique shop, "Wasp noises from around the world".

Intrigued, he goes into the shop and asks if he can listen to it. "Certainly," says the shop assistant and pops it onto an ancient turntable. After listening to the first track for a while, the world's foremost authority on wasps is a bit confused.

"I don't recognise any of these noises, and ...

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I attempted to beat a personal record and masturbate twenty times in one day...

And I actually managed to pull it off.

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Internet speed world record broken in Japan with 319Tb/s data transer speed

But still the contents will be blurry

Record low temperatures causing snow and freezing all over the southern United States.

Finally: white people in Texas are having problems with ICE.

The world record for a drum solo is 10 hours and 17 minutes.

It’s held by the kid who sat behind me on American Airlines flight 86 from DFW to Paris.

Grandpa died in the hospital because they had the wrong blood type on record

It was a Type O.

Paleontologists are celebrating the finding of the largest dinosaur tibia in recorded history

It's a real shin-dig!

A bartender is thinking of closing early, it's been a slow day.

Just as he's about to start shutting down the bar and sending his staff home, the doors are flung open and a huge crowd of people flood inside. They're all singing and dancing, clearly in a celebratory mood, and it's all the bar staff can do to keep the beers flowing as the party atmosphere hits ful...

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Mortician.

A mortician was going about his typical day of embalming and what not, when he came across a client that had the biggest male member he had ever seen. Even by porn standards his hog was huge. So the mortician decides he needs to preserve this monstrosity of man meat because this definitely has to be...

Over the next day, Oregon is expected to break the hottest temperatures ever recorded in its entire history, some places as hot as 118°F (47.78°C)

NOT cool.

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Liberace arrives at the Pearly Gates

St. Peter says, "I think we might have a problem here. Our records indicate that you once bit the head off a live parakeet at one of your concerts."

Liberace responds, "No, that would have been Ozzy Osbourne. Now I might have had a cockatoo ..."

A hunter kills and eats a bald eagle, and is arrested for violating the Endangered Species Act. He pleads guilty, and throws himself on the mercy of the court.

"Your Honor," the hunter said, "I had no idea that it was illegal to kill and eat a bald eagle. If you let me go, I'll never do it again."

"You've committed a very serious crime," the judge replies. "But you clearly weren't aware of the law, so I'm willing to overlook it this one time. How...

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After weeks of practice, I finally beat my record for how far I can shoot my jizz.

I can’t believe how far I’ve come.

I broke two of my dads Queen records...

Now I want to break three.

When I die, I wish to be buried with my record collection...

It will be my Vinyl resting place

Got stopped by police last night. They asked me if I had a police record

Yes, walking on the moon from 1979

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A good man dies and goes to heaven where God, impressed by the man's life record, grants him one final wish.

"Well, God, I know this seems petty, but I've never won at blackjack."

That's okay, my friend, God says, and He snaps His fingers and He and the man are sitting at a blackjack table in Vegas. The man puts up a $1,000 bet. The dealer's showing a 6 and the man's showing a 17. The man signals th...

I was applying for Australian citizenship and the interviewer asked, “Do you have a criminal record?”

I said, “No. Is that still required?”

I plugged my phone into a power bank and now it has an arrest record...

it was charged with battery

I would like to put on record my appreciation for the guys who play the triangle in orchestras.

Thanks for every ting.

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An explorer goes on an excursion into the Amazon rainforest...

(long but I don't believe I have seen this yet)

A rich explorer goes on an excursion into the Amazon rainforest. He has heard of all the wondrous wildlife there is to see, so he sets off with a guide and travels deep into forest. The deeper he goes, the more magical and strange the creatures...

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Farmer Greg

A seasoned farmer named Greg had finally mastered his craft. He toiled day and night to understand every detail to growing the perfect crop. After 30 years he had made enough money to retire, but Greg wanted more. He wanted local recognition and fame.


So he decided to grow the state’s ...

Everything in 2020 happened to be recorded for a movie and the director is...

Quarantin Tatarino

I was pulled over last night and the officer asked me if I had a police record.

I told him “no but I have a couple albums by Sting.

I know someone who’s an introvert and he ALMOST broke a world record.

He was just shy.

I got the strangest recording when I called the phone company the other day.

It said, "You have been connected to the correct department on the first try. This is against company policy. Please hang up and redial."

Someone stole all my Bach records

They just baroque in and took them.

Jonathon Ross forgot to record the new Star Wars film...

What a wookie mistake

A scientist is performing experiments on a frog

He starts by placing the frog at a starting line and shouts "Jump" after measuring how far the frog leapt he records in his journal "A frog with 4 legs jumps 6 feet"


He then cuts off one of the frogs legs, places it back at the starting line then once again shouts "Jump". After measuring...

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As a judge, I was sentencing criminal defendants when I saw a vaguely familiar face.

I reviewed his record and found that the man was a career criminal, except for a five-year period in which there were no convictions.


“Milton,” I asked, puzzled, “how is it you were able to stay out of trouble for those five years?”


“I was in prison,” he answered. “You sh...

A good-natured conspiracy theorist wakes up and realizes that he's died in his sleep and gone to heaven...God appears and says "welcome my son, as a reward for your virtuous life, I can answer one question for you about any topic you'd like with absolute certainty..."

The man thinks for a second and asks God "who actually killed JFK?"

God's eyes roll back in to his head for a minute while he scours the divine historical record. After a moment, he returns to normal and says "Lee Harvey Oswald."

The man replies "Wow! This goes way deeper than I though...

The world's oldest recorded joke in history.

I'm a long-time fan of this sub-reddit and frequent up-voter, but I seldomly have anything funny to post, so here is the oldest joke in recorded history, dating back to 1900 BC (almost 4 thousand years ago from ancient Sumeria):

Q: What is something that has never before occurred since time i...

SpaceX have developed a new type of rocket that can fly to the moon in record-breaking time.

It's a regular rocket, with "GME" written on it.

I wanted an Australian Visa. They asked if I had a criminal record?

Two little Boys is that good enough?

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I tried to translate and adapt one of my favorite jokes. Hope it works.

A Mexican gunslinger were hired to kill an old American lady who was deaf in one ear. The man put his two silver revolvers in the holster at his waist, put his bullet belt around his chest, took his lucky sombrero and went to the lady’s house in the United States.



In front of the woma...

My neighbour holds the Guinness world record for most concussions.

He lives very close, just a stone's throw away

Opporknockity

James was a talented pianist, but just wasn't top tier in his talent. He had plenty of smaller venue gigs, but every time he auditioned for large concerts, he was softly rejected as being "so close, but the other person was just a tad better".

One day he was at a carnival, and for laughs he w...

The pitcher who held the record for walking batters had a reputation as a tough guy.

Because it took a lot of balls.

The other day, I set a world record for the fastest Shake Weight reps..

.. on a side note, my doctor said I need to start taking my epilepsy medication regularly, but it slows me down.

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So there's a farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse says "you know what? I'm gonna learn how to do that."

So the horse calls up Guitar Center, and...

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Helpful Friend

A young man was planning to marry his high-school sweetheart. But he was shy and had never had sex with her or any other girl for that matter, so he was nervous about his wedding night.
He had a friend who had a reputation of being a lady’s man and a known track record of bedding more than his sh...

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A woman went to a synagogue in Poland after the Holocaust to record the history that was nearly lost forever, where she found an unusual tradition she had never seen before.

At the synagogue, when they carried the Torah\*, they would bring it around to everyone who wanted to touch the Torah, which was normal. But when they brought the Torah down the center aisle, the carrier would get down on their knees and knee-walk all the way!

The woman had never heard of thi...

The year is 2024

The year is 2024 and it’s time to decide a new President of the United States. There are three candidates for the American people to choose from: Joe Biden, looking to hold onto the Presidency, Donald Trump, looking to regain it, and Obama in a sombrero and fake moustache calling himself “Juanbama”....

A joke my dad has been telling for 45 years

My dad played high school baseball, and the second baseman, John, eventually grew up to be a very successful accountant and married his high school sweetheart. Over the next 25 years, John also collected rare and antique baseball cards, eventually accumulating the world's most expensive collection…<...

My wife was giving a speech at her parents’ wedding anniversary, and my phone battery ran out in the middle of recording it.

Now I’ll never hear the end of it.

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My wife kicked me out of the house just because she walked in on me whilst measuring my penis

Just for the record, it reaches the back of her sister's throat!

The police caught a person erasing people's criminal records

They said he was a real pro for a first offender.

As part of his inauguration, Biden must prove his physical fitness by running a lap of the White House.

On the starting line, the marshal tells him about all the other presidents to have completed the race before him.

“Obama was truly spectacular! He did his lap in only 15 minutes and 23 seconds! Trump was terrible and it took him well over 20 minutes to complete.”

Scoffing, Biden said “...

I read about a feudal uprising where a duke's son was killed by rebels.

They used a trebuchet to knock him off the battlements with the only available ordinance: a peasant's decapitated head.

It was the first recorded instance of a serf-face-to-heir missile.

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Guys, did you know that I have a shetland pony who can sing?! I was going to record and share a video the other day but...

...he was a little hoarse.

TIL I learned that Bono from U2 holds the record for most private investigators hired to recover a lost heirloom.

To this day he still hasn't found what he's looking for.

So I go to for some careers advice...

"What do you want to do?" asked the advisor.

"I want to work in a record store", I replied.

"Is that your vinyl answer?"

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Three little dwarfs

Three little dwarfs were hanging out when one said “I think I have the world’s smallest hands!”

The second dwarf said “I think I have the world’s smallest feet!”

The third dwarf said “I think I have the world’s smallest penis!”

They made an appointment with the guinness book o...

So a horse is in a farm...

A horse is in a farm when one day he finds a website that claims it can teach any farm animal music.

"That's amazing," thinks the horse "I've always wanted to learn to sing."

He signs up for the website, and within a few weeks he is an incredible singer.

Impressed, he tells his ...

This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic.

If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire. If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off. If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little ...

So i went to the record shop and asked the assistant 'What have you got by the Doors? "

He said "An exit sign and a fire bucket"

This Halloween was the scariest one on record.

All the kids went as ghosts. And all houses were abandoned.

I tried playing my Demi Lovato record today

But the needle kept getting stuck

The first recorded joke dates back to the 10th century A.D. and goes:

“What hangs at a mans thigh and wants to poke the whole that it’s often poked before?” A key!

What did the Mexican say when he left the recording studio?

Audios.

Aaron Hernandez set a new NFL record

Longest hang time by a player who doesn't punt

World record neighbour

My neighbour has proudly informed me that he has made the world record books.. for having the most concussions ever recorded... 147.

I was happy for him, after all he is a close neighbour, only living a stones throw away...

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If you only sucked average sized penises...

You could accurately say that you suck a mean dick.

Edit: The amount of upvotes on this post has exceeded the final recorded megawatt output from Chernobyl’s reactor number 4 on the morning of the Chernobyl disaster. (33,000)

The reactor was designed to operate at 3,200 megawatts.

I tried to open a record store in Tel Aviv.

Perhaps The Vinyl Solution was a poor choice of name.

I broke the world record.

Yes. I passed Usain Bolt and finished it in 9.7 seconds. But why isn't my wife happy?

A crazy man put a gun to my head and told me if I don't break the world record for the tallest filet mignon tower he would kill me and my family.

The steaks have never been higher.

Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, is taking a stroll down his local high street. As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye. "Just Released - New LP - Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now"

Unable to resist the temptation, Brian goes into the shop. "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."

"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like t...

How did the speed runner beat the world record on hair stylist simulator?

He took a shortcut.

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I like recording myself drinking tea whilst having kinky sex with a woman...

...I call the video "50 shades of Earl Grey"

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