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My penis was in guinness book of world records...

..but then the librarian told me to remove it

Did you know my pp used to be in the Guinness book of world records?

Well it was, until I got kicked out of the library

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I caught my mom recording my gf and I having sex...

Thankfully it was on timelapse so she only got 1 frame.

I saw my wife using her phone to record her getting a haircut..

i think she's planning to watch the highlights later..

I went to a record shop and asked them for something by The Smiths.

The owner went out the back and came back with a longsword and pair of gauntlets.

I broke two of my dads Queen records...

Now I want to break three.

I was pulled over last night and the officer asked me if I had a police record.

I told him “no but I have a couple albums by Sting.

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The teacher asks how you put 2 holes in 1 hole.

Nobody knows the answer so she puts her index finger and thumb together and places it over her nose.

Little Johnny then asks the teacher "How do you put 6 holes in 1 hole?"

She says she doesn't know.

He says "You put a recorder up your pussy!"

The teacher, surprised by th...

I would like to put on record my appreciation for the guys who play the triangle in orchestras.

Thanks for every ting.

I told my wife I was going to cut my hair after breaking the world record for hair length.

But it really grew on me.

I started University with a good medical record...

...and left with a good criminal record.

Result.

A powerlifter recently set the world record for bench press after losing it a year ago. When asked how he felt after regaining his title, he said

“It’s a huge weight off my chest.”

If lawyers are disbarred and priests are defrocked, then...

Electricians are delighted

Corpses are decrypted

Cowboys are deranged

Models are deposed

Underwear models are debriefed

Dry cleaners are depressed, decreased and depleted

Jilted women are debrided

HVAC technicians are deducted

Tennis linemen ar...

I was applying for Australian citizenship and the interviewer asked, “Do you have a criminal record?”

I said, “No. Is that still required?”

Every day I beat my own previous record

for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

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I had sex with a vegan and didn't know she recorded it

Until I found the video on QuornHub

The oldest recorded English joke dates back to the 10th Century AD. and goes:

"What hangs at a mans thigh and
wants to poke the hole that it's
often poked before?
Answer: A key'

Why are redneck murders the hardest to solve?

All the DNA matches and there's no dental records.

The current world record for longest joke...

The current world record for longest joke is 49 minutes. The next world record will be set at the end of Trumps Presidency

How do you break the world record for the fastest time down a mountain?

Climb the smallest mountain.

The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.

He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”

“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”

"That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.

He li...

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The Guinness Book of World Records mislabeled the world record for the world’s largest penis.

They claimed the record holder was ‘Donald J Trump’, who then tweeted out the error, claiming his thing was big, but not that big.

GWR corrected themselves with a reprint two days later, instead saying he isn’t the record holder, but instead, he is the record,

Do you know why there was no CSI Alabama?

Hard to write a plot when everyone around has no dental records and a matching DNA.

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Darth Vader walks into his local record shop and asks for a copy of George Michael's debut solo album

The guy behind the counter says "I'm sorry, it's out of stock."

Darth Vader shakes his head and says "I find your lack of Faith disturbing..."

I recently found a round, black piece of plastic, with a hole in the middle and grooves on both sides. I picked it up and threw it. It flew for more than 300 yards.

I’m sure that must have been a record.

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I may have just have broken the record for the largest dump

Sorry for the shitpost

New 911 audio recordings of Chris Browns assault on Rihanna has been released to the public for the first time.

It’s called Chris Browns greatest hits.

April and June were dating...

The couple had been together many years, and, as far as one could tell from the outside were very happy together. But June had always felt as though there was something between them, something holding them back- something that April was keeping a secret.

As time went by, June got the impressi...

How did the hotdog get the job despite having a criminal record?

It was a misde-wiener

After extensive investigations and many phone calls, the police found that, despite the fact that I’m black, I’ve got a good job, no criminal record and I own the BMW I was driving.

So they arrested me for wasting police time.

So we agreed with each other, when we have intercourse next time we will record it.

Let's just say there's one more gif in my gallery.

A British man is visiting Australia.

The man at customs asks him

"Do you have a criminal record?"

The British man replies

"I didn't think you'd need one to get into Australia any more."

Three men die and go to heaven

three men named Mike, Ricky, and Randy arrive to st Peters pearly gates, they are greeted by Peter: “welcome guys, mike please come in first.”
Mike walks through the gates where then a Ferrari awaits him.
Peter: “Here Mike, my records show me that you have never cheated on your wife, thus you...

If your stuck on a desert island what record would like to have?

Long-distance swimming record would be handy.

I think i got on the guiness book of world records for most octupus caught in a day

Sadly im not allowed back at the aquarium any more

Alleged record holder has managed to stay underwater holding his breath for 27 minutes

His funeral is on friday

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My girlfriend doesn’t think I can break the masturbating world record

I think I could pull it off

What do you call a clock made out of records?

Its the vinyl countdown

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My friend thinks I can set the masturbation world record.

Honestly, I don't think I can pull it off.

In the news: Motorcyclist ...

... who identify himself a bicyclist sets cycling world record.

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My butt hair is so long, it made it to the Guinness Book of Records.

Not for long though. They threw me out of the library pretty quickly.

A big record label gathered Eminem, Dr. Dre, and Andre 3000 to collaborate on a new album.

Eminem said, "I'll perform."
Dr. Dre said, "I'll produce."
And Andre 3000 said, "I'll write I'll write I'll write I'll write I'll write I'll write I'll write I'll write I'll write I'll write I'll write I'll write I'll write I'll write I'll write I'll write!"

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Wait for it

So there's a farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the mus...

Scientists are saying that this year was one of the warmest on record

Don't worry though, they say that every year

A wasp expert walks into a record shop

He goes to the owner and asks if they have the new edition of wasp sounds 2019.
The record shop owner says that they have it in stock and asks if the wasp expert would like to listen too it before he buys.

The wasp expert agrees and the record is placed on the record player.
The pin goe...

I’m trying to set the world record for counting from 0 to 1 in the fastest time. I will never give up, even if I can’t ever see and end in sight.

Currently on 0.876278134

Did you hear about the Irishman who bought a copy of "Guinness World Records"??

He thought it was an L.P of Irish drinking songs

What do you get when you play a country record backwards?

You get all your stuff back!

I invented worlds hottest chilipowder to put in the Guinness World records book.

Just really tired to kick people out of my library.

(My original joke) Everyone said I was like a broken recorder,

Always reprereperepearepeatreprepeapting my mymysmymysemyslef

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn’t long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.
Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones’s sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of the GI Insur...

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New HR policy

Dear Employee:

As a result of the reduced budget, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.


Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase...

I’m going for the Guinness world record for wasting other people’s time.

Thanks for helping.

Someone threw my 70s records on the fire.

It was a disco inferno.

The only reason Avengers Endgame broke all those box office records

Is because Doctor Strange watched it 14.000.605 times

My driving record was too perfect.

So I got in trouble for wreckless driving.

What do you get when you break the world record for “not moving for the longest amount of time”?

A certificate and atrophy.

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3 little people were gathered around a Guinness World Record book, and they all wanted in.

The first looked at his hands and said "I have small hands! I bet I can get in with these guys!"

The second looked at her feet saying "hey, I have small feet! I bet I can get in for the smallest feet!"

The third looked at (you probably guessed it) his penis, saying "okay... I'm a shoe-...

Every time my wife gets her hair dyed, she records it on her phone.

I think she watches the highlights later.

My son is doing a social experiment for school

For a week he will be wearing an "I love liberals!" hat everywhere he goes and record the reactions he observes from people he meets. So far he has been cussed at, spit at, yelled at, slapped twice and even had a bottle thrown at him. Its really quite awful, im not sure whats going to happen to hi...

A brunette walked in to a room.

She saw her blonde friend whooping and hollering. “What’s the matter?” The brunette inquired.

“Nothing at all. I just finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!” The blonde beamed.

“How long did it take you?”

“Well, the box said ‘3 to 5 Years’ but I did it in a month!”

In the days of old the River Thames was once plagued with a giant wyrm.

The dread creature preyed upon any who used or went near the river, and many lives were lost, and eventually the call went out for a brave knight to slay the vile creature. It soon became apparent that this was no task for a common knight, but only the holiest and most dedicated - a living saint....

In 1939, an unusual farm animal named Gertrude became the first cow to climb to the peak of Everest carrying gear for the climbers, setting a world record that still stands unbroken.

Since then, the steaks have never been higher.

I just lasted 61 mins in bed a new record!

Thanks Daylight savings time...

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Spotted Snakes

I read this a long time ago.

A Captain takes over a command during WW2 in the middle of the Pacific.

As he is looking through the reports, he finds morale in the basement, a few desertions, and the base is rampant with STD's.

He calls his top Sergeant in for an explanation. The...

An old, blind man walks into an all female bar without realizing it ...

He sits down at the bar, orders a beer and yells out, "Anyone wanna hear a blonde joke?!?" The bartender, seething already, warns him, "mister, I can see that your blind, so before you go any further, let me make you aware of something. I'm blonde and also hold a black belt in karate ... the blond...

Trump said global warming was a hoax and he could easily make temperatures "the lowest ever recorded" this summer.

So he switched the US to Celsius.

During an expropriation operation in the USSR, a man gets his bird collection seized by the KGB

The next day he shows up at the KGB's offices. An officer at the front desk recognizes him: "Ah, Comrade Vladysnich! I imagine you come here to reclaim your birds...".

"Not at all, Comrade", says the man, "I just came here to state on record that I completely disagree with my parrot's politic...

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A man walks into a bar

And orders a few drinks. As the night goes on, he notices a sign on the wall.

It reads FREE DRINKS FOR LIFE! TAKE ON THE BAYOU CHALLENGE!

The man asks the bartender about the sign, and the bartender replies.

It’s a challenge to see who the manliest man in the bayou is. If you...

I tried playing my Demi Lovato record today

But the needle kept getting stuck

Nobody throws a BBQ as good as me

My record is 28 feet.

It's the end of the 2016 presidential race

It's the end of the 2016 presidential race and the people of the United States hated the candidates so much that nobody voted. The government is in a panic trying to figure out what to do to decide who the next president will be. Finally, Barack Obama comes up with an idea: a literal presidential ra...

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My penis was once in the Guinness World Records.

Until the librarian told me to take it out.

Edit : Thank You Very Very Much Kind Strangers..
This Is My First Gold.
I Can't Even Express My Joy About This.
Thanks Again Guys.

I broke several word records today.

In other news, I am no longer welcome in the library.

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Did you hear about the guy who tried to break the world record for number of times masturbating in one day?

He almost pulled it off!

I made a vinyl disc with grooves in 2 minutes.

I think that’s a record.

A man prepares his donkey and dog for a long journey up a mountain.

He places a pack straddle on the donkey’s back and fills everything to maximum weight. Because of the weight, he decides to pull the donkey along so that it does not become tired as easily. The man, donkey, and his guard dog now begin the long trip up a mountain to get to the other side.

Hour...

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My friend currently holds the world record for the smallest penis.

I’m guessing it would be really hard to beat.

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Going to start calling my wife 'Guinness'

Because lately she sounds like a fucking broken record

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3 guys are in a bar

The first one says: ‘Guys I have really small arms...I bet I have the smallest arms.’

The second one says: ‘Well I have a small head...it might be the smallest one.’

And the third one says: ‘I have a pretty small dick...it might be the smallest.’

They then go to register at the ...

Of all the Guinness world records my Dad held...

He told me the one where he ate a grandfather clock was the most time consuming.

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I’ve been training for months to achieve the world record title of ‘Furthest Ejaculation’.

I can’t believe how far I’ve come.

I went to a record shop to buy my dad a new vinyl, I said “what’ve you got by the doors?”

He said “a bucket of sand and a fire extinguisher”



- Tim Vine

When I was in the army I got 300 recorded kills in six months.

Then they kicked me out of the catering corp.

A young man walks into a record store and asks the clerk, “Do you have anything by the Doors?”

“Sure,” replies the clerk, “a mop bucket and a fire extinguisher.”

Sarah was in the fertilized egg business.

She had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters. Each bell had a different ton...

I've decided I'm going to start collecting records. It's my desicion,

and that's vinyl!

I’ve been convinced: Trump really is trying to create more jobs

I hear the unemployment rate for military analysts in Iran is at a record low!

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So some racehorses are chatting in the stables. When one starts to boast of his track record. "Out of my last 15 races, I've won 8!"

"That's nothing, I've won 19 of my last 27," said another.

"Oh that's good," says an older horse. "But out of my last 36 races, I've won
28!"

At this point the racehorses notice that a greyhound had been siting silently,
listening into the conversation. "Excuse me gentlemen. But ...

A journalist asked Tim Cook why iPhones are so expensive

"Well", said Tim Cook, "that's because the iPhone replaces a whole bunch of devices. A phone, a camera, a watch, a music player, a video player, a PDA, a voice recorder, a GPS navigator, a flashlight, a calculator, a portable gaming console, and many other things. Surely, a high price is worth payin...

Something which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husband's lap.

*\*This lowbrow Sumerian quip is the oldest recorded joke in history, dating back to 1900 BCE.*

A woman was told to send a facsimile copy of their child’s medical records to a specialist when their child fell very ill.

She didn’t deliver, the child died, turns out she was anti-fax.

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A blonde is on a plane from NY to LA.

As the seat belt sign goes off, she gets off her seat, grabs her stuff and heads to the First Class.

Bewildered, the flight attendants try to stop her.

She says-" I'm blonde, I am white, I am a lady, I deserve to be in the First Class."

"We can't allow you to get in the First...

Tomorrow is Black Friday just be decent and civilized

By holding the cell phone horizontal when recording any fights.

My friend is mad because I beat the high score in his favorite game and I keep rubbing his face in it

I guess I'm starting to sound like a broken record

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So three guys are hanging out in their basement,

The first guys says, "Hey, I have a pretty small head, I reckon I have the smallest head."

The second guy goes, "I've got a pretty small nose, I think I may have the smallest nose."

The third guy says, "You know, I think I have the smallest dick."

So the next morning all three o...

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