I broke two of my dads Queen records...

Now I want to break three.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records

Then I got kicked out of the library.

The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.

He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”

“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”

"That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.

He li...

I was applying for Australian citizenship and the interviewer asked, “Do you have a criminal record?”

I said, “No. Is that still required?”

Three men want to achieve a Guiness Record

Three men want to achieve a Guiness Record.

​

They go to the Guiness office's and meet with the guy in charge of the world records. The first one stands in front of the Guiness guy and says "I know more songs than anyone else in the world". They proceed to go to an office wh...

In 1939, an unusual farm animal named Gertrude became the first cow to climb to the peak of Everest carrying gear for the climbers, setting a world record that still stands unbroken.

Since then, the steaks have never been higher.

What's the difference between vinyl records and women?

With records the singles have bigger holes.

I've decided I'm going to start collecting records. It's my desicion,

and that's vinyl!

A woman was told to send a facsimile copy of their child’s medical records to a specialist when their child fell very ill.

She didn’t deliver, the child died, turns out she was anti-fax.

A young man walks into a record store and asks the clerk, “Do you have anything by the Doors?”

“Sure,” replies the clerk, “a mop bucket and a fire extinguisher.”

I just lasted 61 mins in bed a new record!

Thanks Daylight savings time...

A wasp expert walks into a record shop

He goes to the owner and asks if they have the new edition of wasp sounds 2019.
The record shop owner says that they have it in stock and asks if the wasp expert would like to listen too it before he buys.

The wasp expert agrees and the record is placed on the record player.
The pin goe...

The only reason Avengers Endgame broke all those box office records

Is because Doctor Strange watched it 14.000.605 times

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

XXXTentacion just beat Taylor Swift's Spotify streaming record

Even in the afterlife, XXX is still beating women

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did you hear about the guy who tried to break the world record for number of times masturbating in one day?

He almost pulled it off!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I’ve been training for months to achieve the world record title of ‘Furthest Ejaculation’.

I can’t believe how far I’ve come.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My friend currently holds the world record for the smallest penis.

I’m guessing it would be really hard to beat.

You have to give Prince Phillip credit for his driving record....

He hasn’t been involved in any other accidents since 1997.

My neighbour holds the world record for most concussions...

He lives just a stone's throw away


Credit to Stewart Francis

A small local zoo is losing business because it has a terrible track record keeping its animals alive.

The customers are noticing the sickly animals and they're not coming back.

In a desperate ploy the zoo decides to hire a new position. They hire an ambitious young man to dress up as a gorilla.

"It's an easy job", they explain in the interview. "Climb up and down the ropes, swing on...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three guys walk into a bar and try to get Guinness World Records.

Guy 1: So I’ve been thinking: my head is pretty small. So I’m thinking, maybe I could get the Guinness World Record for smallest head.

Guy 2: Actually, now that you mention it, my arm is pretty small. Maybe I could get the Guinness World Record for smallest arm.

Guy 3: Well, I don’t li...

What do you call a ship with a criminal record?

A thugboat.

I tried playing my Demi Lovato record today

But the needle kept getting stuck

TIL The record for most pushups while holding the office of President is John Quincy Adams with 1,023.

George W. Bush did 911

I got fired from my job by a jealous manager for breaking too many records.

I'm guessing that the vintage music industry is just not for me...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The world record for longest consecutive constipation is 368 days

But if you ask me I say that guy was full of shit.

My neighbor has had a record of 57 concussions.

He lives really close to me ... stone throws away, in fact.

There was once a marathon runner who had become quite famous and won many awards for his records.

He was so well liked that eventually he became the president of Iran. During his tenure he managed to take over multiple countries including Azerbaijan, Bulgaria, Greece, Armenia, Georgia, Iraq and Syria. They were all assimilated and became a part of Iran. The only country he didn’t manage to take ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My penis was once in the Guinness World Records.

Until the librarian told me to take it out.

Edit : Thank You Very Very Much Kind Strangers..
This Is My First Gold.
I Can't Even Express My Joy About This.
Thanks Again Guys.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So there's a farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse says "you know what? I'm gonna learn how to do that."

So the horse calls up Guitar Center, and...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My Girlfriend thinks i can set a world record for masturbation

Do you think I can pull it off?

People hate me for buying a record player...

But I think it was a sound investment

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Wife: “You stayed and cuddled for a full 30 minutes after sex! That’s a record!”

Husband: “I think I can get it down to 5!”

(True story).

The average temperature outside Motown Records is

3 Degrees, 4 Tops

People under 30’s never owned a vinyl record. They don’t know what’s like.

They don’t know what’s like.

They don’t know what’s like.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So some racehorses are chatting in the stables. When one starts to boast of his track record. "Out of my last 15 races, I've won 8!"

"That's nothing, I've won 19 of my last 27," said another.

"Oh that's good," says an older horse. "But out of my last 36 races, I've won
28!"

At this point the racehorses notice that a greyhound had been siting silently,
listening into the conversation. "Excuse me gentlemen. But ...

It's too bad Led Zeppelin never got to perform and record with a symphony orchestra.

They could've named it the Hindenburg Concertos.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I managed to get my dick into the Guinness book of world records...

But then they kicked me out of the library and threatened to call the police next time I showed face there ever again.

Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, is taking a stroll down his local high street. As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye. "Just Released - New LP - Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now"

Unable to resist the temptation, Brian goes into the shop. "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."

"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like t...

I don't know why you have to tailgate me when I'm already going 55 in a 35. And by the way, for the record

Those flashing lights on top of your car look ridiculous.

Do you know who holds the world record for time spent in a cave?

It turns out it's actually a Thai

I wrote to the Guinness Book of Records . . .

I wrote to the *Guinness Book of Records* and told them that I had a flat piece of plastic with a hole in the middle and multiple grooves. My question for them was, "Is this a record?"

What happens when you play a country music record backwards?

Your wife comes home, your truck starts, and your boots fit.

What world record is a death sentence if you fail?

Oldest person

I don't know why my friend was mad when I threw his frisbee...

He even said it was a new record.

Did you hear about the 70s style record company that burned down?

Yeah, it was a disc co. Inferno!

A man who breaks the world record for longest survived coma is rewarded with

atrophy

Germany sets a new record in the world cups.

They arrive in Moscow with ten thousand men. 40 km further than the old record in 1942.

I just witnessed record breaking sprinter collapse out of breath...

He was inspiring

Aaron Hernandez set a new NFL record

Longest hang time by a player who doesn't punt

Where are all the old Beatles records stored?

The Lennon closet.

That’s it; I’ve given up on buying CDs and MP3s. From now on, I will only buy records.

And that’s vinyl.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was just reading that Martin Scorsese's film "The Wolf of Wall Street" broke a record by using the word "Fuck" or "Fucking" 506 times.

That actually beats a record set by me in 2003, trying to put an Ikea wardrobe together.

*mugger pulls a knife*

Mugger: gimme your money

Me: well this night took a SHARP turn

*later*

Doctor: it's a record for amount of stabs

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Eagles held the record for bestselling album of all time.

That was until Micheal Jackson beat it..

Why are redneck murders so hard to solve?

All the DNA matches and there are no dental records.

My dad and I play hide and seek a lot to beat each other's record. My record is 2 hours until he found me.

His record is 20 years and still counting.

Last night I was driving home when I was pulled over by a cop. He asked me if I had a police record.

Apparently ‘Roxanne’ wasn’t the answer he wanted to hear. My court date is in a couple of weeks.

Last time I went to Australia they asked me if I had a criminal record

Didn't think you still need one.

Attempt to set world record orgy falls short of its goal ...

"Not enough people came" - Stephen Colbert

My neighbor's in the guinness book of records.

He's had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me, in fact it's just a stone's throw away.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The average speed of semen exiting the penis during ejaculation is 28 mph, which is slightly faster than Usain Bolt’s world-record running pace (27.8 mph)

If I was in a race with him, I'd come in first.

I don't know why, but the record for oldest person seems to be cursed.

Every time someone gets it, they die shortly afterwards.

I've got a pretty long Police record....

It's a full 44 minutes long and contains "Every Breath You Take"

Do you know which president has the cleanest record

Lincoln, he was in a cent

Where does the lumber mill keep their records?

In log books

Stephen Fry broke a world record when he read the entire Harry Potter series live on BBC Radio 4.

Listeners were disappointed that he didn't read it out loud...

Little Suzy was upset and crying...

"What's wrong?" Asked her mother
"We learnt about the moon landing today." Said Suzy
"What's upsetting about that, I was a great American achievement." The mother explained
"Yeah but our teacher said that because of the sun the flag would turn white" Suzy sobbed out
"Yes that's because o...

My daughter called me at work and told me she was playing a new game...

Its called hold ur breath challenge, i smiled until she told me grandpa has a new record of 4hrs.

A sprinter is training one day when he beats the world record.

After this he wakes up in the hospital with a concussion and a completely shattered foot.
"I'm afraid this happens sometimes in jokes," says the doctor, "and frankly you got off lightly. You reached the limit of what the laws of physics allow for and hit the fourth wall."

"Does this mean I...

I can't listen to my Vivaldi records.

They're all baroque.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman wants her vaginal lips reduced in size

A woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were flapping in the breeze. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses careful...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It was autumn, and the natives on the reservation asked their new chief if it was going to be a cold winter.

Raised in the ways of the modern world, the chief had never been taught the old secrets and had no way of knowing whether the winter would be cold or mild. To be on the safe side, he advised the tribe to collect wood and be prepared for a cold winter.

A few days later, as a practical aftertho...

I tried to open a record/ DJ shop in Israel.

I probably shouldn’t have named it Vinyl Solution.

What is the world record for the most Chinese food eaten in one sitting?

Roughly wonton.

I tried getting into Guinness World record by smashing up music albums

I broke a lot of records

*ba dum tis*

What is a least favourite letter of a pirate?

Dear sir, we have record of your illegal downloading activity.

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following let...

What did Hitler call his records store?

The Vinyl Solution.

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