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Record Jokes

When I visited Australia, the immigration officer asked me if I had a criminal record…

Confused, I replied, “Oh, is that still required?”

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My penis was in the Guinness book of world records

Then the librarian asked me to take it out.

Chuck Norris set the record for most amount of records broken; All of them.

The Guinness Book is actually for all of the 2nd-placers, otherwise it would be a book the size of a post-it note with one page in it that says 'Chuck Norris'.

They say he once did a **minute** in only 41.25 seconds.

I've broken my best record.

It was an irreplaceable old vintage vinyl.. this is a hard time for me.

Why does the Toyota Prius have more accidents on record than any other car?

It's really hard to drive safe while patting yourself on the back.

King Charles has a realistic chance of breaking one of Queen Elizabeths most famous records:

The record number of 15 prime ministers during her reign.

A friend of mine works in a recording studio and he was telling me which are the best speakers to buy.

It was sound advice.

If you give someone a Mahler Symphony record as a gift

Would it be considered a “Gustav Christmas Present?”

Where do they record all the dad jokes?

In the Daddabase.

Why are California almond farmers so concerned about the record cold temperatures?

They don't want their nuts to freeze off.

A guy is record shopping at a local music store…

and goes up to the clerk and says “I’m looking for that classic 90s Seattle grunge sound on vinyl if you carry it.” Clerk says reluctantly, “I’m sorry the only styles we carry are children’s, Christian, classical, or folk.” The man looks puzzled and becomes a tad irate. He responds back saying, “You...

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Guinness world record attempt !

Three roommates were hanging out in the living room one day, when one of them opened an email on their phone.

"Hey guys, the Guinness book of world records is coming to town! We should go get into it somehow!"

The shortest roommate, who was only 3 feet tall says "I'm going to go see if...

What did the doctor tell the nurse after he made a mistake on the blood type record

He made a type o

I found a vinyl record of Wasp Sounds at a charity shop...

...when I got home I put it on to listen to it - it was all wrong - the buzzing noises was nothing like wasp sounds.

Then I realised - I was playing the Bee side!

What did they call the Soviet athlete Marina when she crossed the finish line and set the 400-meter hurdle world record?

Marina Stepanova

I don't have a criminal record

Not since the fire.

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A man records his wedding night…

A man decides to audio record his wedding night and one year later on their anniversary, play it back to re-live the wonderful sounds his wife was making that night. So he played it back and she was saying “ah ah…that’s happiness”. He was moved to tears.

He decided to share this special mome...

I went to a record store, they said they specialized in hard-to-find records…

nothing was alphabetized!

The greatest ever song about tortoises was recorded 40 years ago this year...

... "Turtle Eclipse of the Heart".

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A horse is sitting in his stable one day when he hears music coming from the farmhouse. He waits patiently for the farmer to go out before making his way across to the farmhouse to see what's going on. As he peers through the window he can see MTV is on the television.

Horse goes into the house and sees a rock band on the screen. He is instantly taken by the guitar and decides there and then he wants to play. He uses the telephone and calls the local music shop. He explains that he has seen the band on TV, that he is a horse and that he wants to play guitar, The m...

I was working in a record store when a gentleman asked me if we had anything from the most popular prog-rock band from Canada.

I said I'd be with him in a moment. He said "OK. No rush.".

I replied "Sorry. I can't help you then."

Where does Phil Collins record his songs

The stu-stu-studio

I just read that the world record for shoe size is 37...

That's no small feet!

A man tries to fix his own record player....

He gets it running again, but it is turning at half the speed so nothing sounds right. He calls a few antique shops and flea markets until he finds someone that used to fix record players, and who then offers to take a look at it. So the technician opens up the player, and says "I don't know who was...

I asked old Maud how she lost her husband. She told me her sad story…

"Well, he needed a blood transfusion, but his blood type was not on record, so the doctors asked me if I knew what it was, as they urgently needed to know, in order to save my Norman's life.

Tragically, I've never known his blood type, so I only had time to sit and say goodbye.
I'll never ...

The world leading expert on wasps is walking down the street when he passes a record store.

In the window he sees a record called "wasps of the world, and the sounds they make". Intrigued, he walks into the store.
He says to the shopkeeper "I'll have that wasp record in the window please. You know I'm the world leading expert in wasps, there are thousands of different species of wasp, ...

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I attempted to break the world record for masturbating.

I nearly pulled it off.

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The Tin Man's Record Collection

I was in Oz visiting the Tin Woodsman' and I discovered his large record collection, I asked if I could flip through it. Awkwardly he said I could but warned me that he was ashamed of it. I shrugged it off and began flipping through, he had an album by every band I could think of, Stones, yup. Skyny...

My neighbour is in the the GUINNESS WORLD RECORDS.

He's had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me. A stone's throw away, in fact.

A parachutist friend of mine was able to record a joke on his GoPro during his tragic last skydive saying that he'd 'had a great summer but was expecting an even better fall'.

He certainly hit the ground punning!

Why can't Sherlock Holmes solve ANY crimes in Alabama?

He can't find any dental records, and all the DNA is the same for everyone.

Wrong number

A woman meant to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead. "Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme'?" she asked.

"Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a wife and eleven children."

"Is that a record?" she inquired.
...

A very cold winter indeed!

A young First Nations chief in Canada has just taken over leadership of his tribe, and wants to do the very best for his people. Since it is autumn, he tells them they should gather firewood for the coming winter, so they start to do that. But the young chief still has doubts - what if they don't ...

The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.

He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”

“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”

"That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.

He list...

Where do anarchists keep their records?

Anarchive

Today I brought home a record I found at Goodwill. It was called "Sounds Wasps Make"...

I put it on my record player and thought, "This doesn't sound anything like wasps!" Then I realized I was playing the bee side.

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I just started working in a record store.

A Shifty Looking Guy walks in and says.

"got anything by The Doors?"

I said "yes 2 cameras and an alarm, now fuck off"!

A horse, a sheep, and a chicken lived together on a farm.

The horse had long dreamed of learning to play the guitar.


So the horse rings a music shop and he says, “Hey, I’d love to learn to play guitar. Is there anyone who can teach me”?


The music shop manager says “That’s not an issue, let’s get you started on some music lessons.” ...

People are usually shocked that I have a police record.

But I love their greatest hits.

John was in the fertilized egg business.

He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
...

A young reporter heard about an old man living alone on a mountain who had never asked a question in his life...

*(Before you comment on how terrible this joke is, you should know I wrote this tonight and didn't get it from a joke book. i.e. at least now you have to look me in the eye as you groan ;)...)*

A young reporter heard about an old man living alone on a mountain who had never asked a question i...

Our Pharmaceutical company's records show that people prefer Pill A and Pill B...

But I think Pill O is being slept on.

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The other day I visited the thrift shop and picked up an old record album called ‘Sound of Wasps’.

When I got home and played it I realised it didn’t sound anything like wasps!

Turns out I’d been playing the Bee side.

Darth Vader walks into a record store

Darth Vader walks into a record store and asks if they have a copy of George Michael's first studio album. The clerk says they are sold out, to which Vader responds - I find your lack of Faith disturbing!

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The prizefighter and the texan

A prizefighter was driving across West Texas with his wife. He said, "Honey, I've been thinking. I've always heard how tough Texans are. Here I am with a 20-0 record in the ring. I feel like I'm tough but I've never fought a Texan. It's got me to wondering."

The wife said, "Oh Honey, that doe...

Did you hear Humpty Dumpty’s egg business posted record profits in Q3?

He had a great fall.

Out of Respect for Meat Loaf Passing I Went to the Record Shoppe

They had Bat out of Hell and Bat Out of Hell Volume 2 but I couldn't find Volume 3. I asked them about it.

They told me "Two out of three ain't bad."

Scientists record the sound of two helium atoms laughing.

HeHe

I don’t have a Police record,

but I do have a Sting CD.

You Know You're A Northneck (Northern Redneck) If......

Your rusty vehicle's resale value only goes up if you remember to put the snow tires on them during the winter.

You ever got into a shouting match based on which college hockey team you're a fan of.

You've ever used expired gas station sushi as bait for ice fishing.

(You're re...

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Exciting news, I recently broke several new records.

The owner of the record store was kind of a jerk about it though.

Maybe Jesus didn't like your chocolate?

So aliens come to earth and they're Sooo nice. There's a huge televised event with all the world leaders in attendance.

The Pope asks, "Do you know of Jesus Christ?"

The aliens say, "Do we Ever? Awesome guy!! Swings by the planet every couple of years to say Hi!"

The Pope excla...

The world's foremost authority on wasps is walking down the street when he sees an old vinyl record in the window of an antique shop, "Wasp noises from around the world".

Intrigued, he goes into the shop and asks if he can listen to it. "Certainly," says the shop assistant and pops it onto an ancient turntable. After listening to the first track for a while, the world's foremost authority on wasps is a bit confused.

"I don't recognise any of these noises, and ...

Just made the most audio copies to ever fit on one vinyl disc.

It was a record record record!

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People say, hey man why should we trust you? What's your track record?

Well, I think my track record speaks for itself.

4x100m Relay - Last

110m Hurdles - Last

1500m - Last

100m - Second Last (suck shit Craig)

4000m - DNF (medical)

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The smallest penis

*John: insert name of person you tell the joke to.

So three guys sits at a bar.

First one goes - “I have the smallest feet in the world!” The other guys take a look at his feet and acknowledges his statement - “sure your feet must be the smallest in the world!”

Second guy then...

Everyone talks about the little Spanish flea, a record star he thought he'd be, but nobody talks about his cousin, the little Spanish tick.

He was a massive freaking prick.

What do you get when you play a country music record backwards?

You get you wife back, your truck back, your dog back...

I broke two of my dads Queen records...

Now I want to break three.

I would like to put on record my appreciation for the guys who play the triangle in orchestras.

Thanks for every ting.

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I attempted to beat a personal record and masturbate twenty times in one day...

And I actually managed to pull it off.

call me crazy, but i think it is possible for a Democratic president who spent his first term setting records for high inflation, gas prices and low approval ratings to win a second term in office

Jimmy Carter 2024

White House phone records on the day of the Capitol Riots show a seven-hour gap in the President's calls

Aides say he was merely taking a Covfefe break.

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After weeks of practice, I finally beat my record for how far I can shoot my jizz.

I can’t believe how far I’ve come.

I was nearly at the freeway entrance...

... when I suddenly remembered that since I had the SUV today, I was stuck with dropping our Great Dane off at the vets that morning. A screeching u-turn, more than a few rolling stops and made it back in record time. Bursting into the house, I tore from room to room, calling for the dog. Throwing ...

Record low temperatures causing snow and freezing all over the southern United States.

Finally: white people in Texas are having problems with ICE.

When a politician says they 'stand on their record',

it's only to keep you from checking it

I was pulled over last night and the officer asked me if I had a police record.

I told him “no but I have a couple albums by Sting.

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A woman goes to the doctors as she hears a whistling sound from her vagina

A woman goes to the Doctor and says "My vagina whistles when I walk".

The Doctor sits surprised as the woman proceeds to walk up and down the office, all the while her vagina lets out a shrill whistle. He examines her and can find nothing to indicate why this is happening.

"I ca...

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Generational Trauma is bullshit

My parents belittled me for every small mistake or just being myself as a kid, and I turned out fine. I only have two felony assaults on my record, and I control my anger by making my son cry when I get home from work.

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Paddy's last will...

Paddy was on his deathbed and knew the end was near.
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him at his home in Belfast.
He asks for 2 independent witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes.
When all is ready he begins to speak:

"My...

A cardiologist was taken into custody after it was found he was using recordings of sick patients in his music.

He was arrested for his sick beats

A horse is sitting at home, watching MTV...

He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"

The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.

"Sure," says the m...

For a long time nobody bought records

Then the tables started to turn

Optician.

A man goes to the opticians to get a new pair of glasses, the optician checks his records and finds that the man only had new glasses less than six months before. so he says to the man, "How did you break them, if it was in an accident, we might be able to replace them free."

the man says, "I...

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The Golfer

A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second.

On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang.

It was a doctor in the hospital emergency room notifyin...

CBS was looking to start up a new show "CSI: Mississippi"

But they couldn't, because there's no dental records and everyone has the same DNA.

Got stopped by police last night. They asked me if I had a police record

Yes, walking on the moon from 1979

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A good man dies and goes to heaven where God, impressed by the man's life record, grants him one final wish.

"Well, God, I know this seems petty, but I've never won at blackjack."

That's okay, my friend, God says, and He snaps His fingers and He and the man are sitting at a blackjack table in Vegas. The man puts up a $1,000 bet. The dealer's showing a 6 and the man's showing a 17. The man signals th...

A foreigner asked an Indian man

"Why Indian Women have Red
Dot on their forehead ?"

Indian man replied,
"Because they Record everything.."

Russia should be in the Book of World Records.

They are in the biggest game of

"I'm not touching you"

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What do you call a recording of a female to male sex reassignment surgery?

an unboxing video

Grandpa died in the hospital because they had the wrong blood type on record

It was a Type O.

The world record for a drum solo is 10 hours and 17 minutes.

It’s held by the kid who sat behind me on American Airlines flight 86 from DFW to Paris.

When I die, I wish to be buried with my record collection...

It will be my Vinyl resting place

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Internet speed world record broken in Japan with 319Tb/s data transer speed

But still the contents will be blurry

A 50-year-old lawyer who had been practicing law since he was 25 died suddenly in his sleep.

When he gets to the Pearly Gates, the lawyer says, "There must be some mistake. I was 50, that's too young to die."

St. Peter looks in his records and says, "That's odd. By adding up the hours on your billing documents, you should be 83 by now."

John Clark has just won the world record for jumping over the most nuns in a military tank.

The last record was 10.5 nuns.

Did you hear about the guy who broke all of Usain Bolt's records?

Completely destroyed his precious vinyl collection.

Sasquatch bigfoot audio recordings

....scientists said its unreal.

Interview

A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer starts with the basics. “So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?” The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying. “Um ... 22.” The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. “And ...

Wedding night world record

A young man returns to work after his honeymoon. His mates are all quizzing him about the wedding night.
"So Barry, how many times did you do it on the wedding night?"
Barry replies, "Seven times"
His mates are amazed. "Seven times! How did ya manage that ya legend?!"
Barry says, "Easy. ...

I know someone who’s an introvert and he ALMOST broke a world record.

He was just shy.

Aaron Hernandez set a new NFL record

Longest hang time by a player who doesn't punt

Over the next day, Oregon is expected to break the hottest temperatures ever recorded in its entire history, some places as hot as 118°F (47.78°C)

NOT cool.

I plugged my phone into a power bank and now it has an arrest record...

it was charged with battery

I don't know why, but the record for oldest person seems to be cursed.

Every time someone gets it, they die shortly afterwards.

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An XM station was looking for a sportscaster...

An XM sports station was looking for a new sportscaster for play-by-play commentary for football games. The producer had two possible candidates lined up, and he brought them to meet the station manager.

The station manager was impressed by the first young man. He was bright, well-spoken, dre...

Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, is taking a stroll down his local high street. As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye. "Just Released - New LP - Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now"

Unable to resist the temptation, Brian goes into the shop. "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."

"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like t...

Just a friendly 4th of July reminder

That absolutely no one is going to watch the videos of the fireworks you recorded on your phone

A hunter kills and eats a bald eagle, and is arrested for violating the Endangered Species Act. He pleads guilty, and throws himself on the mercy of the court.

"Your Honor," the hunter said, "I had no idea that it was illegal to kill and eat a bald eagle. If you let me go, I'll never do it again."

"You've committed a very serious crime," the judge replies. "But you clearly weren't aware of the law, so I'm willing to overlook it this one time. How...

I’m making a movie about looking for vintage records at thrift shops.

It’s called “Goodwill Hunting.”

Jonathon Ross forgot to record the new Star Wars film...

What a wookie mistake

A lawyer dies, and somehow manages to go to heaven

When he gets there, he's greeted by St. Peter himself. The lawyer says, "What happened? I wasn't in an accident and I'm too young to die. I'm only 52!"

St. Peter says, "Nope, by our records, you are 84, and that's a pretty good life."

The lawyer yells, "84! How did you figure that?...

SpaceX have developed a new type of rocket that can fly to the moon in record-breaking time.

It's a regular rocket, with "GME" written on it.

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