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When I visited Australia, the immigration officer asked me if I had a criminal record…

Confused, I replied, “Oh, is that still required?”

I found a vinyl record of Wasp Sounds at a charity shop...

...when I got home I put it on to listen to it - it was all wrong - the buzzing noises was nothing like wasp sounds.

Then I realised - I was playing the Bee side!

Where does Phil Collins record his songs

The stu-stu-studio

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My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records once…

But unfortunately the librarian told me to take it out and go home

Where do anarchists keep their records?

Anarchive

A horse, a sheep, and a chicken lived together on a farm.

The horse had long dreamed of learning to play the guitar.


So the horse rings a music shop and he says, “Hey, I’d love to learn to play guitar. Is there anyone who can teach me”?


The music shop manager says “That’s not an issue, let’s get you started on some music lessons.” ...

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I attempted to break the world record for masturbating.

I nearly pulled it off.

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Was going through my record collection when I found an old Will Smith CD..

I'd almost forgotten how that shit slaps!

My neighbour is in the the GUINNESS WORLD RECORDS.

He's had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me. A stone's throw away, in fact.

Walmart just reported record sales!

In condoms and trampolines.

Our Pharmaceutical company's records show that people prefer Pill A and Pill B...

But I think Pill O is being slept on.

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The smallest penis

*John: insert name of person you tell the joke to.

So three guys sits at a bar.

First one goes - “I have the smallest feet in the world!” The other guys take a look at his feet and acknowledges his statement - “sure your feet must be the smallest in the world!”

Second guy then...

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I just started working in a record store.

A Shifty Looking Guy walks in and says.

"got anything by The Doors?"

I said "yes 2 cameras and an alarm, now fuck off"!

What is Beethoven’s favorite record label?

Def Jam Records

People are usually shocked that I have a police record.

But I love their greatest hits.

The world leading expert on wasps is walking down the street when he passes a record store.

In the window he sees a record called "wasps of the world, and the sounds they make". Intrigued, he walks into the store.
He says to the shopkeeper "I'll have that wasp record in the window please. You know I'm the world leading expert in wasps, there are thousands of different species of wasp, ...

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Exciting news, I recently broke several new records.

The owner of the record store was kind of a jerk about it though.

A horse is sitting at home, watching MTV...

He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"

The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.

"Sure," says the m...

Did you hear Humpty Dumpty’s egg business posted record profits in Q3?

He had a great fall.

Today I brought home a record I found at Goodwill. It was called "Sounds Wasps Make"...

I put it on my record player and thought, "This doesn't sound anything like wasps!" Then I realized I was playing the bee side.

The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.

He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”

“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”

"That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.

He list...

Maybe Jesus didn't like your chocolate?

So aliens come to earth and they're Sooo nice. There's a huge televised event with all the world leaders in attendance.

The Pope asks, "Do you know of Jesus Christ?"

The aliens say, "Do we Ever? Awesome guy!! Swings by the planet every couple of years to say Hi!"

The Pope excla...

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People say, hey man why should we trust you? What's your track record?

Well, I think my track record speaks for itself.

4x100m Relay - Last

110m Hurdles - Last

1500m - Last

100m - Second Last (suck shit Craig)

4000m - DNF (medical)

Darth Vader walks into a record store

Darth Vader walks into a record store and asks if they have a copy of George Michael's first studio album. The clerk says they are sold out, to which Vader responds - I find your lack of Faith disturbing!

call me crazy, but i think it is possible for a Democratic president who spent his first term setting records for high inflation, gas prices and low approval ratings to win a second term in office

Jimmy Carter 2024

Out of Respect for Meat Loaf Passing I Went to the Record Shoppe

They had Bat out of Hell and Bat Out of Hell Volume 2 but I couldn't find Volume 3. I asked them about it.

They told me "Two out of three ain't bad."

This may be the oldest recorded joke ever...

National Public Radio (NPR) in the US suggested in 2016 that the oldest recorded joke is from Bronze Age Sumeria (an early Mesopotamian civilization dating 3300-1200BC). The joke goes: "What has never happened since time immemorial? A young wife has not farted on her husband's lap."

White House phone records on the day of the Capitol Riots show a seven-hour gap in the President's calls

Aides say he was merely taking a Covfefe break.

Everyone talks about the little Spanish flea, a record star he thought he'd be, but nobody talks about his cousin, the little Spanish tick.

He was a massive freaking prick.

Why are Red Neck murder cases so Hard to Solve?

Because everyone has the same DNA and there are no Dental Records.

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The other day I visited the thrift shop and picked up an old record album called ‘Sound of Wasps’.

When I got home and played it I realised it didn’t sound anything like wasps!

Turns out I’d been playing the Bee side.

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Last Will and Testament

A man lay dying in his hospital bed.

His nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons are with him.


He asks for two witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes.


When all is ready, he begins to speak.


"To my son Bernie, I wan...

A guy walks into a record store and...

**Guy:** "Have you got "Jingle Bells" on a 12 inch?"

**Assistant:** "No, but I have "Dangle Balls" on a 10 inch"

**Guy:** "Thats **NOT** a record!!"

**Assistant:** "It's not far off"

When a politician says they 'stand on their record',

it's only to keep you from checking it

what's the difference between a trampoline and a recorder?

You leave your shoes on to jump on a recorder.

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Three men are trying to get in the World Record Book

One man says, "hey, I have tiny hands, maybe I could get in for World's Smallest Hands." Another man says, "hey, I have tiny feet, maybe I could get in for World's Smallest Feet." The remaining man says, "hey, I have tiny testicles, maybe I could get in for World's Smallest Balls."

The three ...

Scientists record the sound of two helium atoms laughing.

HeHe

I don’t have a Police record,

but I do have a Sting CD.

Just a friendly 4th of July reminder

That absolutely no one is going to watch the videos of the fireworks you recorded on your phone

A cardiologist was taken into custody after it was found he was using recordings of sick patients in his music.

He was arrested for his sick beats

What do you get when you play a country music record backwards?

You get you wife back, your truck back, your dog back...

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Personalities

1) Polite - farts and says "Pardon!"

2) Cynic - Farts while looking you directly in the eyes

3) Chivalrous - lets the lady fart first

4) Gourmand - Farts for his own pleasure

5) Sentimental - Farts and says "Oh..."

6) Idealist - farts out of conviction

7) C...

You know, absinthe plays a huge part in the origin of what we now call bachelor parties.

It was a tradition for a man's friends to take him to an upscale bar just before his wedding and order him a glass or two of the ol' green fairy. If he truly loved his fiancee and was ready for the match, it was a fun night away from her with friends, celebrating his love. If he was having doubts, i...

Xhyr'noth the defiler, an ancient cosmic horror, decides to visit earth to go pub crawling through the US.

In the first state everyone at the pub runs off in terror. As the humanoid looking abomination filled with eyes and tentacles warps in and orders a beer. The police and military is informed but doesn't know what to do yet. The bartender doesn't care because he has suicidal depression and rather stri...

Russia should be in the Book of World Records.

They are in the biggest game of

"I'm not touching you"

For a long time nobody bought records

Then the tables started to turn

The world's foremost authority on wasps is walking down the street when he sees an old vinyl record in the window of an antique shop, "Wasp noises from around the world".

Intrigued, he goes into the shop and asks if he can listen to it. "Certainly," says the shop assistant and pops it onto an ancient turntable. After listening to the first track for a while, the world's foremost authority on wasps is a bit confused.

"I don't recognise any of these noises, and ...

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Having a great round of golf

A man was at the country club playing his weekly round of golf. He began with an eagle and followed it with a birdie on the second hole.


On the third hole, he scored his first-ever hole-in-one, and just as he began celebrating his cell phone rang…
It was a doctor in the local ER noti...

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I attempted to beat a personal record and masturbate twenty times in one day...

And I actually managed to pull it off.

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What do you call a recording of a female to male sex reassignment surgery?

an unboxing video

Aussie customs

Going through the Australian border control, the customs officer interviewed me and all went well until he asked whether I had any criminal record. He was not impressed with my answer: “I didn’t know it was still necessary.”

Record low temperatures causing snow and freezing all over the southern United States.

Finally: white people in Texas are having problems with ICE.

Did you hear about the guy who broke all of Usain Bolt's records?

Completely destroyed his precious vinyl collection.

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After weeks of practice, I finally beat my record for how far I can shoot my jizz.

I can’t believe how far I’ve come.

I would like to put on record my appreciation for the guys who play the triangle in orchestras.

Thanks for every ting.

John Clark has just won the world record for jumping over the most nuns in a military tank.

The last record was 10.5 nuns.

The world record for a drum solo is 10 hours and 17 minutes.

It’s held by the kid who sat behind me on American Airlines flight 86 from DFW to Paris.

I'm fast, but unfit...

my record for 100 meters is about 13 seconds and my record for 400 meters is about 250 meters.

I broke two of my dads Queen records...

Now I want to break three.

I was pulled over last night and the officer asked me if I had a police record.

I told him “no but I have a couple albums by Sting.

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Internet speed world record broken in Japan with 319Tb/s data transer speed

But still the contents will be blurry

An Idaho man walked 3.4 miles while balancing a guitar on his chin

setting a new World Record for carrying a tune.

Grandpa died in the hospital because they had the wrong blood type on record

It was a Type O.

Got stopped by police last night. They asked me if I had a police record

Yes, walking on the moon from 1979

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A good man dies and goes to heaven where God, impressed by the man's life record, grants him one final wish.

"Well, God, I know this seems petty, but I've never won at blackjack."

That's okay, my friend, God says, and He snaps His fingers and He and the man are sitting at a blackjack table in Vegas. The man puts up a $1,000 bet. The dealer's showing a 6 and the man's showing a 17. The man signals th...

When I die, I wish to be buried with my record collection...

It will be my Vinyl resting place

Library Line

In the public library, a man with his new library card questioned the pretty librarian.

“Do you mean to say,” he asked, “that with this card I may take out any book I want?”

“Yes,” she answered.

“And may I take out record albums, too?”

“Yes, you may.”

“May I take y...

I’m making a movie about looking for vintage records at thrift shops.

It’s called “Goodwill Hunting.”

A lawyer dies, and somehow manages to go to heaven

When he gets there, he's greeted by St. Peter himself. The lawyer says, "What happened? I wasn't in an accident and I'm too young to die. I'm only 52!"

St. Peter says, "Nope, by our records, you are 84, and that's a pretty good life."

The lawyer yells, "84! How did you figure that?...

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A Mathematician, and Physicist, and an Engineer

are asked to find the volume of a red rubber ball.

The mathematician knows that the volume of a sphere has been mathematically determined so they measures the radius and puts it into the proper formula.

The physicist knows that Archimedes discovered how to determine the volume of an o...

Archaeologists have revealed how King Tut died

Records indicate he was found naked, with a rope around his neck.



They determined the cause of death was Auto Erotic A-sphinx-iation.

Over the next day, Oregon is expected to break the hottest temperatures ever recorded in its entire history, some places as hot as 118°F (47.78°C)

NOT cool.

I plugged my phone into a power bank and now it has an arrest record...

it was charged with battery

A man gets to heaven

He’s a small nerdy account type, and he’s met at the pearly gates by St Peter.

“Welcome,” says St Peter, opening a large book. “This book lists all the good things and bad things you did in your life. If you did more good than bad, you get to come in.”

“Sounds fair,” says the ma...

I know someone who’s an introvert and he ALMOST broke a world record.

He was just shy.

A hunter kills and eats a bald eagle, and is arrested for violating the Endangered Species Act. He pleads guilty, and throws himself on the mercy of the court.

"Your Honor," the hunter said, "I had no idea that it was illegal to kill and eat a bald eagle. If you let me go, I'll never do it again."

"You've committed a very serious crime," the judge replies. "But you clearly weren't aware of the law, so I'm willing to overlook it this one time. How...

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There's a Morris Day and the Time double album for sale at my local record store.

It has their greatest hits as well as their biggest flops.

It was the best of Time and the worst of Time.

Paleontologists are celebrating the finding of the largest dinosaur tibia in recorded history

It's a real shin-dig!

Jonathon Ross forgot to record the new Star Wars film...

What a wookie mistake

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Three drunk guys were having a contest to see which of them was the best fighter

The first one says to the other two "See that horse and carriage parked right there? I will beat up everyone on board while suffering nothing more than a scratch." With drunken bravado, the man set out to fulfill the dare he had imposed upon himself. Minutes later, the man returned and true to his w...

Everything in 2020 happened to be recorded for a movie and the director is...

Quarantin Tatarino

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Three of the smallest people on earth get into an argument…

about who is the smallest. The first guy says “I know for sure, I got the smallest hands of any man who ever lived.” The other two didn’t believe him. So, he went to the Guinness book of world records to get measured. Sure enough, the next day he shows up with a gold-seal certificate from Guinne...

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A woman went to a synagogue in Poland after the Holocaust to record the history that was nearly lost forever, where she found an unusual tradition she had never seen before.

At the synagogue, when they carried the Torah\*, they would bring it around to everyone who wanted to touch the Torah, which was normal. But when they brought the Torah down the center aisle, the carrier would get down on their knees and knee-walk all the way!

The woman had never heard of thi...

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The local hot shot had never lost a drag race.

He had a souped up little dragster he pieced together himself. It was an old Honda, sure, but this guy had tuned it to perfection. Not only that, he'd squeezed every ounce of horsepower out of it possible: straight pipes, turbo, the works.

There's a straightaway on a back road where all the l...

The pitcher who held the record for walking batters had a reputation as a tough guy.

Because it took a lot of balls.

Aaron Hernandez set a new NFL record

Longest hang time by a player who doesn't punt

I tried playing my Demi Lovato record today

But the needle kept getting stuck

SpaceX have developed a new type of rocket that can fly to the moon in record-breaking time.

It's a regular rocket, with "GME" written on it.

I wanted an Australian Visa. They asked if I had a criminal record?

Two little Boys is that good enough?

Three nuns died in a fiery bus crash....

St. Peter met them at the Pearly Gates and welcomed them to heaven. "Welcome, my dear sisters. We are glad to have you here, but unfortunately, we are having some issues with restructuring at the moment, so all souls that come here for the next week will be allowed to live a week in the life of a pe...

World cup for firefighters

There was this world cup for firefighters(WCF) and the ref's would set a buliding on fire,and the team that stops the fire the fastest wins.

First up were the Germans.They come with some ladders and pipes filled with water.They stop the within 30 min.

Second are the Americans.Again wit...

The other day, I set a world record for the fastest Shake Weight reps..

.. on a side note, my doctor said I need to start taking my epilepsy medication regularly, but it slows me down.

The world's oldest recorded joke in history.

I'm a long-time fan of this sub-reddit and frequent up-voter, but I seldomly have anything funny to post, so here is the oldest joke in recorded history, dating back to 1900 BC (almost 4 thousand years ago from ancient Sumeria):

Q: What is something that has never before occurred since time i...

I got the strangest recording when I called the phone company the other day.

It said, "You have been connected to the correct department on the first try. This is against company policy. Please hang up and redial."

Someone stole all my Bach records

They just baroque in and took them.

A man was on his death bed trying to say his final words before passing away

He lifted his head and asked : "is my wife, with whom I spent my best and worst moments here?", his wife held his hand and said with tears in her eyes and sadness in her voice "yes honey I'm here"

he took a deep breath, then lifted his head again and asked : "are my children, who have s...

Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, is taking a stroll down his local high street. As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye. "Just Released - New LP - Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now"

Unable to resist the temptation, Brian goes into the shop. "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."

"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like t...

I don't know why, but the record for oldest person seems to be cursed.

Every time someone gets it, they die shortly afterwards.

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Farmer Greg

A seasoned farmer named Greg had finally mastered his craft. He toiled day and night to understand every detail to growing the perfect crop. After 30 years he had made enough money to retire, but Greg wanted more. He wanted local recognition and fame.


So he decided to grow the state’s ...

I tried to open a record store in Tel Aviv.

Perhaps The Vinyl Solution was a poor choice of name.

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Guys, did you know that I have a shetland pony who can sing?! I was going to record and share a video the other day but...

...he was a little hoarse.

A reporter interviews a monk who's 130 years old

Reporter : According to the Guinness world record book you are the oldest living person in the world right now. What is your secret?
Monk : Well, for starters I don't argue with idiots.
Reporter : No way!
Monk : No way.

My wife was giving a speech at her parents’ wedding anniversary, and my phone battery ran out in the middle of recording it.

Now I’ll never hear the end of it.

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Retiring from the British Army can be complicated. (Long)

Lt. Colonel Robert Maclaren retired from the British Army in 2001 after a long fulfilling career. On the day that he retired he received a letter from the Personnel Department of the Ministry of Defence setting out details of his pension and, in particular, the tax-free ‘lump sum’ award, (based upon...

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Mortician.

A mortician was going about his typical day of embalming and what not, when he came across a client that had the biggest male member he had ever seen. Even by porn standards his hog was huge. So the mortician decides he needs to preserve this monstrosity of man meat because this definitely has to be...

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