Sad News: The founder of /r/jokes has passed away

RIP Larry Tesler, the UI designer that created Cut, Copy and Paste, died age 74

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A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

’About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now she’s...

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Son takes his father to the doctor. The doctor gives them the bad news that the father is dying of cancer.

Father tells the son that he has had a good long life and wants to stop at the boozer on the way home to celebrate it.

While at the pub, the father sees several of his friends. He tells them that he is dying of AIDS.

When the friends leave the son asks, "Dad, you are dying of cancer. W...

My wife is threatening to kick me out of the house because of my obsession with acting like a news anchor.

More on this after the break.

Today i watched the news and saw that my nearest mechanic was a drug seller.

That's horrible, so many years being a client and only today i realized he could have repaired my car.

North Korea: Kim Jong-Un announced at a news conference that North Korea would be landing a man on the sun within 10 years.

A startled reporter shouted, “But the sun is thousands of degrees
Celsius. No one can get within 10 million miles of the sun!”

The audience was stunned at the reporter's brazen challenge and the room
fell into a long silence. But instead of having the
reporter arrested, Kim calmly re...

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Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.

One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years.
Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football t...

drunken man stumbles out of a bar and, gets on the greyhound late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman. She looks the man up and down and says, "I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell!" The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts,

"Man, I'm on the wrong bus!"

Mike Pence walked in to the Oval Office earlier with some bad news for President Trump.

"Mr. President, unfortunately 3 Brazilian tourists in New York have been diagnosed with coronavirus."


"That's terrible!", exclaimed Trump. "What are we going to do?!"


"Wait...how many is a Brazilian again?"

Breaking news.

Black guy shot with a starting pistol.

Police think it's race related!!!

Doctor: "I have bad news, you are going to die."

Me: OMG. How long do I have?

Dr: 10

Me: Ten what? Years, months, weeks, days?

Dr: 9

Doctor: I have bad news and I have worse news. Patient: Well what’s the bad news? Doctor: You have one day left to live. Patient: What news could possibly be worse?

Doctor: I’ve been trying to contact you since yesterday...

What would the headline be if Barack Obama walked on water across a lake in full view of a Fox News reporter?

"OBAMA CAN'T SWIM"

Did you hear the shocking news about Yahoo this morning?

Apparently they still have 500 million users.

Latest Fox News election poll shows Trump way ahead ...

... in all 87 states.

My News feed is filled with stories about the Coronavirus.

I guess you could say it's gone viral.

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Watching the news, a friend turned to me and said "Buttigieg's out."

I was like, "Buttigieg's been out for a long time..."

A news story had been reported about Jeffrey Dahmer after his capture about what was found in his shower... did you hear what they found!?

Head[s] and shoulders.

Did you see on the news about the guy that pickpocketed a dwarf?

How could anyone stoop so low?

My wife's always watching the Kardashians and I'm always watching the news.

I must be rubbing off on her. Based on her internet search history, she's looking at the BBC all the time now

Sad news....I lost my job as a stage designer,

I wasn't very happy but left without making a scene.

What do you call a library full of fake news?

A lie-brary

Breaking news: The police arrested a battery and a firework

They charged one and let the other one off

Have you heard the news about corduroy pillows?

They're making headlines!

TERRIBLE NEWS; My friend has been charged with timeshare fraud and will go to prison...

...two weeks a year for the next twenty years!

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An elderly married couple are at the doctor's, and he has some bad news.

"Mrs Smith," he says, "I'm afraid you have developed quite a serious heart murmur. In view of your age and frailty, I cannot recommend surgery. You still have several years left to you if you are careful to avoid excitement, and in particular, I have to emphasise that, if you have continued to be se...

Animal News Network had to fire its bovine news anchorman

Because it was unreliabull.

I read on the news today that a guy caught a fish they thought was extinct...

and now they're *sure*.

Did you hear about the guy handing out Bayer to those who are told bad news?

He's the bayerer of bad news

"well darling,I've a good news and bad news for you "

"ok, tell me the good news first".

"Well,the airbags in your car worked perfectly".

"Wait...what ?"

“Mr. Reagan, I have bad news for you. You have cancer and Alzheimer’s.”

Well, by golly, at least I don’t have cancer!

A doctor tells his patient "I have good news and bad news"...

"Ok, tell me the bad news first" says the patient.

"Well, you have incurable cancer" the doctor says.

"Oh my god, what could be the good news?"

"Well, you won't have it for very long"

News reporters visit a hen about a shockingly huge egg she laid recently.

“This is amazing,” they tell the hen, “a two pound egg, that’s unheard of! 

Do you have any goals for the future?”

“Yes, I’m really aiming for a four pounder!” says the hen proudly.

“And you, sir, congratulations,” the reporters approach the rooster, “what are your goals for the...

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A doctor comes up to a man with some bad news, “I’m afraid you’re blind” the doctor says

After a long pause the man says in a sullen voice “...I see”

The doctor jumps up, throws his clipboard at the ground and shouts “STUPID FUCKING MEDICAL DEGREE DIDN’T TEACH ME SHIT”

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BREAKING NEWS: Post Malone announces he will only be scheduling shows Monday thru Saturday

Guess there's no Post on Sundays

Why does trump hate the news?

Oranges hate the press

There are so many news items about Wuhan...

It looks like China is going viral.

Doctor: “I have terrible news— you only have 10 to live.”

Patient: Ten!!? Ten what? Ten Years?? Ten months?? Ten Weeks??

Doctor (slowly): Six, Five, Four, Three...

Good News Bad News

Bob was in a terrible motorcycle accident and his legs weren’t in great shape, to say the least. After a couple of weeks of therapy, it soon became clear to the Doctor that they were just pushing off the inevitable. Due however, to Bob’s frail condition, the Doctor was afraid to give him the bad new...

More bad news for parents

Apparently some kids never leave home

A teenage girl gives birth to twins and puts them up for adoption...

She never hears from them again except for the news that one baby was adopted by a Mexican couple, and the other was adopted by a couple from the Middle East.

Years later she hires a private investigator to track down her two adopted children, just so she can find out how their lives have bee...

Nowadays, comedians tell the news,

And, the media tells the joke.

Something has happened on the News a Few Days Ago.

A Guy that's a Barber got Arrested for Selling Drugs. I've been his Customer for a Few Months. I didn't even knew He was Barber or worked at a Barbershop.

Anyone see the news? There's a massive hole on the motorway!

Police are looking into it.

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A husband and wife love to play golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons.

The husband has his lesson first.

After the pro sees his swing, he says, “No, no, no, you’re gripping the club way too hard!”

“Well, what should I do?” asks the man.

“Hold the club gently,” the pro replied, “just like you’d hold your wife’s breasts.”

The man takes the adv...

Sad news today

After years of medical training and hard work, a mate of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients so he can no longer work in the profession. I think it is out right dumb and stupid, what a waste of time and effort. A genuinely good guy, and a brillian...

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The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey, that he entered it in the race again and it won again.


The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.


The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
...

I asked my daughter for the news

I asked my daughter to bring me the newspaper. she said I'm too old fashioned and brought me her iPhone. Not getting too much into details, the fly is now dead, the iPhone is broken and my daughter is crying

A man goes to the doctor and after the exam the doctor says, “I have some bad news. You have a fatal disease.”

The man says, “Oh my God! Doc, how long have I got?”

The doctor replies, “10.”

The man cries, “I don’t understand…. Ten what? Ten months? Ten weeks?”

To which the Doctor replies, “Nine… eight… seven….”

It’s good news for insomniacs

Only 10 more sleeps till Christmas.

LPT: Sweet tasting urine is often the first symptom for those with undiagnosed diabetes. In related news..

.. my hamster has diabetes.

What's all this news about Iran?

Sounds like they are stuck between Iraq and a hard place.

A patient is at the doctors office and the doctor tells him he has bad news and worst news

Patient: Alright doc give me the bad news

Doctor: Unfortunately you have AIDS

Patient: That’s terrible news, I can’t believe it. What could the worst news possibly be

Doctor: Well the worst news is you have Alzheimers

Patient: That’s unbelievable doc, you were right t...

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"Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration"

The doctor said, "You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. H...

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Mr. and Mrs. Potato had three daughters who were as upstanding as they were lovely. One day the first daughter came home and exclaimed, “I have an announcement to make.”

“And what might that be?” said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in her eldest daughter’s eyes.

“Well,” replied the daughter, with a proud but sheepish grin, “I’m getting married!”

The other daughters squealed with surprise as Mother Potato exclaimed, “Married! That’s wonderful! An...

It is in the news that Russia's "Sovereign Web" test will cut off the entire country from the web today.

Donald Trump said in a statement, "I hope that doesn't hurt my approval rating."

Sorry, I've got some bad news!

Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."


Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Years? Months? Weeks?!"


Doctor: "Nine."

A doctor is delivering bad news to a patient.

“Ma’am, your test results are back. Unfortunately, this type of disease is fatal.”

“Oh my god! How much time do I have left to live?”

“Ten”

“Ten months?”

“Nine”

A dad is given bad news by a doctor

Doctor: Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards.

Dad: AND?

News: A Major Fashion Label Releases a Cream for Yeast Infections

It's called "Gucci Coochie Goo".

I just read in the news that tons of Americans are sending their old clothes to poor people in Africa.

Seems like a waste of time in my opinion. I've never seen an African with a 52 inch waist.

Hey girl, are you a newspaper?

Because there’s a new issue with you every single day

A couple is anxiously waiting to hear the results of a medical test for their unborn child. The doctor says: "I will start with the good news;

Your child will always find a parking space."

Job interview for a TV news anchor

At a job interview for a TV news anchor an applicant seems very qualified and well suited for the job. But the recruiters notice an uncontrolled wink in the man's right eye. They tell him that he'd be great for the job if it wasn't for the frequent winking, which probably won't go down well with the...

My local news network recently featured two artisans from my town. One makes burlap sacs, and the other makes musical instruments.

They thought the viewers would be drawn in by all the sacs and violins.

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