In breaking news, Trump’s personal library has burned down.

The fire consumed both books and in a tragic twist he hadn’t even finished coloring the second one.

As the patient recovers from laser eye surgery, the surgeon comes in asks if they want the good news or the bad news first.

The patient excitedly replies, “I’ll take the good news first.”

The surgeon tells them, “Well, you’re about to get a new dog!”

A woman placed an ad in a news paper. 'I am looking for a male partner who needs to meet these three requirements.

1. He shouldn't beat me.
2. He shouldn't leave me.

Third and most important.

3. He should be great in bed.


One week later, her door bell rang, and she opened the door to find a man.

The man said, "Hi, I'm Peter. I don't have hands, so I can't beat you. I don't hav...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

They say makeup sex is the best, which is great news for me.

Because all my sex is made up.

In his later years, the Lone Ranger and Tonto were catching up on old times. After awhile the Lone Ranger paused and said “I have some sad news.”

“Tell me, old friend” said the faithful Tonto.

“Well...I recently was diagnosed with Cancer”

“Bad spirits,” replied his old companion.

The Lone Ranger look off into the distance for a minute. “After all your years of wisdom, what do you think I should do?”


“Chemo, s...

Two Sisters...

One blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock.

They ...

Sad News: The founder of /r/jokes has passed away

RIP Larry Tesler, the UI designer that created Cut, Copy and Paste, died age 74

Breaking News: Local Kindergarten reports major Peek-a-Boo accident.

All involved were rushed to the ICU

Bad news: I spilled coffee on my keyboard

Good news: It’s all under control

A lieutenant gets some bad news for a recruit.

He takes the drill sergeant aside and asks him to convey to Private Smith that his grandma passed away 2 days ago but to break the news gently.

The drill sergeant gets the recruits in formation and says “If both of your grandmothers are still alive, step forward! As some of the recruits begin...

What's the difference between a Shakespeare comedy and Fox News?

One's The Taming of the Shrew, the other is the shaming of the true.

Doctor: I have bad news and very bad news

Me: what's the bad news?
Doctor: you have 24 hours left to live
Me: oh no!, What's the very bad news?
Doctor: I forgot to tell you that yesterday

The other day my friend messaged by saying “bro I have two pieces of bad news for you.” I told him to combine them.

He replied with “your girlfriend is cheating on both of us.”

BREAKING NEWS: Man arrested due to possessing a stolen calendar

He got twelve months

My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.

More on this after the break.

Instead of watching the news, my friend goes body surfing at the beach every morning.

She says it keeps her abreast of current events.

A blonde is watching the news on an airplane...

The news reporter says, "Three Brazilian children have been presumed dead after their home caught fire in the middle of the night."

The blonde jolts up in her seat in utter shock. She taps the shoulder of the passenger next to her, and exclaims, "Oh my god! How many children is a Bra-zillion!...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A hurricane is headed for a small town. The news says that everyone needs to evacuate. A religious man in the town says "I'm not going to leave my home, God will protect me".

The hurricane hits, and it's bad. There's mass flooding, and the police come to the man's door and tell him he needs to leave. The man says "I'm not afraid, God will protect me." The police give up and leave him.

The water rises in his house, so the man is forced to climb onto his roof. Just...

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A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

’About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now she’s...

A news reporter visits a hen about a huge egg she laid

“This is amazing,” they tell the hen, “a two pound egg, that’s unheard of! Do you have any goals for the future?” “Yes, I’m really aiming for a four pounder!” says the hen proudly.

“And you, sir, congratulations,” the reporters approach the rooster, “what are your goals for the future?” The ...

Beer brewery manager on the phone with Mrs Jones: "Afraid I have bad news. Your husband fell into a vat of beer this morning." Mrs Jones started weeping. "Did he go quickly?"

"He climbed out three times - but only to pee."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little girl runs up to her mother and says "mummy, daddy hanged himself in the basement!"

Upon hearing the news the mother breaks down in tears and, shakily, makes her way into the basement.

When they get there, the woman cannot see the father's corpse.
The little girl then exclaims "April fools! Daddy did it in the garage"

I got pulled over and my vape was in my cup holder.

The cop said “you know, the news says those things are killing people.”

I chuckled and said “they’re saying the same thing about you guys.”

He didn’t laugh.

What's the difference between a Milkman and an Indian News Reporter

A milkman can't milk on something that is dead

I have bad news and good news. My obese parrot died yesterday. However, there is some good news.

It’s a lot of weight off my shoulders.

Watching American news lately fills me with overwhelming patriotism.

Because I'm Canadian.

Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm.

He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Jack says, "You know what, I bet he...

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My late Grandfathers favorite joke

There was an American wrestler from Texas named John, who throughout his high school career had never lost a match. As he went on into college he continued undefeated. He became a national icon and symbol of American strength.

News began to circulate of a Russian wrestler who was fierce and u...

In breaking news

My arm.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Son takes his father to the doctor. The doctor gives them the bad news that the father is dying of cancer.

Father tells the son that he has had a good long life and wants to stop at the boozer on the way home to celebrate it.

While at the pub, the father sees several of his friends. He tells them that he is dying of AIDS.

When the friends leave the son asks, "Dad, you are dying of cancer. W...

A man is watching the news while his blonde wife is cooking dinner.

On the news, a reporter stated that five Brazilian men tragically died in a skydiving accident.

The husband says, “Hey honey, have you seen this?”

The woman comes over and looks at the TV. She instantly breaks into heavy tears, bawling.

The husband, surprised, says, “Well honey...

In other news:

Cadburys on fire in Birmingham.

It's going to need a Boost now before things get a bit Flaky

The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.

“We’re sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife.”

“Well, tell me!” the man said.

The policeman said: “We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?”

Fearing the worst, Mr. Wi...

It is in the news today that Florida is having its first remote trial via zoom

It’s looking like things will be settled out of court

Breaking News in North Korea: 11.47PM - 1 active Covid case detected !

Update at 11.48PM - 0 active Covid cases

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was an American man who lived in Thailand and when he was there he had a lot of sex and never used a condom the entire time.

Then he returned to America and one morning he woke up and noticed bright green and purple dots on his penis

Freaked out, he went to the doctor. The doctor said "I have never seen anything like this before. We will need to run some tests." So they ran some tests and he said come back in 3 day...

Breaking News! Cartoonist found dead in his home.

Details are sketchy

I use to watch the news naked,

-but the TV kept getting turned off.

My wife is leaving me because she’s fed up with me talking like a news anchor.

More on this story later...

A single mother from a rough estate had seven boys, all called Wayne, all from different fathers, the local news went to interview her...

So why did you call them all Wayne?

Easy, when its dinner I just shout 'Wayne dinnertime' and they all come in for dinner, when it's late and time for them to go to bed I just shout 'Wayne bedtime' and off they all go to bed!

That's ingenious, says the interviewer, but what how do you ...

News Anchor: The CDC has advised no handshakes at this time.

Cannibal: "Aww..." *STOPS BLENDER*

Breaking news :NASA wants first person to reach Mars, to be a woman.

So that when men arrive, dinner would be ready.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My son told me today that he heard someone on the news call Trump a penis potato.

I think he meant dictator.

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?" ...

What do you call the mass distribution of news and information regarding marijuana, as well as the demand for its legalisation?

Propaganja. Thank you. I'll let myself out.

Did you hear the news? FedEx and UPS are merging.

They’re going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on.

BBC News....

Next weeks Covid Guidance. You can meet with another person from outside your family with an A or an R in their names unless it's a Wednesday. Family members are OK unless it's the third Monday after Pancake Tuesday. People under 5 foot 11 aren't allowed to go to the pub unless they have brown hair....

"I have good and bad news," the doctor said to his patient. "Give me the good news first," the patient said.

"Your test results are back," the doctor said, "and you have only two days to live." "That's the good news?" the patient exclaimed. "What's the bad news?" "I've been trying to reach you for two days...

Breaking News: The Washington Redskins have changed their name.

They will now be called the DC Redskins.

Doctor to patient: I've got bad news & worse news...

Patient: Give me the bad first.

Dr: Ok. Your diagnosis told us you only have 48 hours to live.

P: Oh god! What could be worse news than that?

Dr: I've been trying to reach you since early yesterday morning.

The doctor told him some bad news.

A few years ago a friend of mine tried to commit suicide, he had gone to the doctor for test results and found out he was dyslexic he was so upset he went outside and jumped behind a bus.

BREAKING NEWS: Ghislaine Maxwell, former on again / off again partner of Epstein, has been arrested by the FBI.

In other news, Prince Andrew has just suffered a heart attack, Bill Clinton has suddenly developed Alzheimer’s, and all prison guards at Maxwell’s detention centre have suddenly had to take long naps...

Old lady sees a news report and calls her husband's cell-phone

"Honey", she says, "You need to be careful. I just saw that there is a maniac driving the wrong way on the freeway"

Husband replies, "A maniac?! There's not just one- there are hundreds of them!!!!!"

Barry's job was to write articles for a massive online news site run by the mafia...

He absolutely hated his job, but he had to stay because they would kill his family if he left. He had to write articles about the mafia’s crimes, and because the company had all the lawmakers bribed, they were untouchable even though they openly admitted to their crimes.





The ...

A pregnant woman and her husband are reviewing the results of her ultrasound

Doctor: I have good news and bad news.

Wife: Start with the good news!

Doctor: Well, your son is going to be able to park wherever he wants.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and gets bad news.



"You've got a rare disease and you've only got 6 months to live," the doc tells him. The patient is incredulous and tells the doctor he's going to get a second opinion.

He finds another doctor a few days later and after a battery of tests, this doctor gives him the same bad news. Pati...

You think you can go down to Mexico and do whatever you want? Well I have news for you buddy, Mexico has laws!

That no one follows so go ahead and do your thing.

A guy was watching the news and realized a famous celebrity had died. He called a friend to share the news.

Jim: Did you hear that Reece Whats-her-Name died? She choked to death while eating soup...

Joe: Oh no! Witherspoon??

Jim: Yes, of course.

Did you hear in the news that a 747 recently crashed in a cemetery in Poland?

The Polish officials have so far retrieved 2000 bodies.

A blond is watching the news and hears that 2 Brazilian men died from Coronavirus.

She cried and asked, "Oh my gosh, how many is a Brazilian?"

Well I got some bad news for y’all

2022 is gonna be as bad as 2020 because 2022 is 2020 too

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Karen: Doctor, I've not been feeling well lately

Doctor: Well, I've looked at your lab reports and I'm afraid I have some bad news...

Karen: Don't give me this labs nonsense, you bureaucratic paper pusher! I don't believe Western medicine anyways! I've been following homeopathic medicine, faith-based approaches, and healing crystals all my ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Creator looked upon Adam and spoke. "I've got good news and bad news. The good news is that I'm going give you a brain and a penis." "And the bad news?" Adam asked.

I'm going to give you enough blood," God
declared, "to use only one of them at a time."

The doctor says, "I have bad news, You have Cancer, and Alzheimer's Disease."

The patient says, "Well at least I don't have Cancer."

There has been a lot of fake news going on about the Camadian prime minister lately

Some of it is Trudeau

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Our small town made national news when a baby was born here that was part animal.

It had a deer face and a bear ass.

Breaking news: Amidst all the chaos, Eminem just got kicked out of a very high end bar.

Apparantly he asked the bartender for 4 shots but the bartender refused service and said you only get one shot.

Breaking news!

Corona Virus claims a black belt. Chuck Norris, Dead at 80.

Carlos Ray “Chuck” Norris, famous actor and fighter, died yesterday afternoon at his home in Northwood Hills, TX at the age of 80.

Chuck Starred in dozens of movies and Tv series which have, and continue to entertain millions ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A MAN went to the doctors suffering from a severe headache for years on end.

The doctor said, “Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is it will require castration. You have a rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicle...

What should you name your kid if you want them to be a good news reporter when they grow up?

Justin

If your Doctor spoke like Trump

So it seems you’ve tested positive for the Chinese virus, the so-called Covid NINETEEN, the Corona—nobody knows what to call it, quite frankly. It’s the most amazing thing, no one knew anything about Corona until a few weeks ago.

But the moment I heard about it—the Wuhan flu; it’s also the W...

Two best friends meet. "I have two bad news" says one to the other...

"OK, combine them."

"Your wife is cheating on us."

Moses reaches the bottom of Mt. Sinai, gathers the people together, and says, "Alright everyone, I've got good news and bad news. The good news is that I got him down to 10."

"The bad news is adultery stays."

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