My wife is threatening to kick me out of the house because of my obsession with acting like a news anchor.

More on this after the break.

Sad news....I lost my job as a stage designer,

I wasn't very happy but left without making a scene.

Sad news today

After years of medical training and hard work, a mate of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients so he can no longer work in the profession. I think it is out right dumb and stupid, what a waste of time and effort. A genuinely good guy, and a brillian...

A doctor tells his patient "I have good news and bad news"...

"Ok, tell me the bad news first" says the patient.

"Well, you have incurable cancer" the doctor says.

"Oh my god, what could be the good news?"

"Well, you won't have it for very long"

My local news network recently featured two artisans from my town. One makes burlap sacs, and the other makes musical instruments.

They thought the viewers would be drawn in by all the sacs and violins.

In breaking news

Corduroy pillows are making head lines.

Breaking News: Wal-Mart to close 400 stores in the US

Sources say it would put 12 cashiers out of work

I asked my daughter for the news

I asked my daughter to bring me the newspaper. she said I'm too old fashioned and brought me her iPhone. Not getting too much into details, the fly is now dead, the iPhone is broken and my daughter is crying

LPT: Sweet tasting urine is often the first symptom for those with undiagnosed diabetes. In related news..

.. my hamster has diabetes.

Job interview for a TV news anchor

At a job interview for a TV news anchor an applicant seems very qualified and well suited for the job. But the recruiters notice an uncontrolled wink in the man's right eye. They tell him that he'd be great for the job if it wasn't for the frequent winking, which probably won't go down well with the...

I recently saw on the news they caught the man who robbed a Campbell’s soup truck...

I hope they they lock him up for mmmmm...good

Doctor: Do you want to hear the good news or the bad news? Patient: Good news please

Doctor: A disease is going to be named after you

Hey girl, are you a newspaper?

Because there’s a new issue with you every single day

Doctor: I've got some good news, and some bad news...

Patient: What's the bad news?

Doctor: Your sperm count is a little low.

Patient: And the good news?

Doctor: Tastes just fine.

I saw on the news that a truck carrying almonds collided with another truck carrying glitter.

Apparently the road was covered with with almonds and glitter.

And I thought, "That's pretty nuts"

Doc: I have bad news about your test results

Doc: I have bad news about your test results

Me: oh man did I fail

Doc: not that kind of test

Me: so I passed?

Doc: no but you will in a week

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

King Arthur is preparing to leave Camelot on a lengthy quest, but news has reached his ears that his wife may have taken on a lover.

"But... *who*...?" he asks Merlin.




"Fear not, Arthur - I know how we can protect Guinevere's chastity in your absence and also discover the identity of her lover. Watch this!"




The magician snapped his fingers and, into thin air, appeared a magical, samite chast...

Great news for insomniacs

Only 2 more sleeps until Christmas

"Hey, I borrowed your car yesterday and I have good news and bad news."

"What's the good news?"

"The air bags worked perfectly"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

’About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now she’s...

A dad is given bad news by a doctor

Doctor: Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards.

Dad: AND?

CNN BREAKING NEWS:

Anonymous hero donates hospital 200 human kidneys.

BREAKING NEWS: a local man was just brought into emergency care when he ate 50,000$ worth of US 100$ bills

No change is reported

Breaking news: Philadelphia Cream Cheese's New Ad Slams Competitor Brand's product!

It's just a regular smear campaign.

Doctor: I have bad news and worse news

The bad news is you have 24 hours to live

Patient: and the worse news?

Doctor: I meant to tell you yesterday.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

BREAKING NEWS!! .. Man hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his ass

Doctors describe his condition as stable

Great news!

My sisters pregnant.
I’m gonna be a dad!!!!!!!

TIL FOX news was started by a Frenchman

Unfortunately, they had to americanize the name from FAUX news

I heard on the news, that there was a guy in town stealing the wheels off police cars.

The cops are working tirelessly to catch him.

As an employee in the health care industry, I make it a point to keep up with all the latest medical news. Just the other day I read about a man who had the entire left side of his body amputated.

After that, he was alright.

Have you ever wondered why people always tell you to sit down before telling you bad news?

It is because you won't stand for it.

Bad News

A guy is in a doctors office. His doctor is there with him.


"I have two pieces of bad news," the doctor says.


"What are they?"


"Well, the first piece of news is that you have cancer."


"What's the 2nd piece of news?" he asks.


"Well, the 2nd piece...

I just read in the news that tons of Americans are sending their old clothes to poor people in Africa.

Seems like a waste of time in my opinion. I've never seen an African with a 52 inch waist.

Ive been going through all this Halloween candy, and i have some bad news.

No drugs.

Doctor: “I’ve got very bad news - you’ve got cancer and Alzheimer’s.”

Patient: “Well, at least I don’t have cancer.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

They say that make up sex is the best, which is great news for me.

Because all my sex is made up.

Doctor: I have bad news for you. You’ll have to take one of these pills for the rest of your life.

Patient: But... Doctor... you had given me only three pills!?

Doctor: I told you it was bad news.

.

.

.

.











*Edit: I can’t correct the title but it should say “... take one of these pills **each day** for the rest o...

I have found the perfect crime. I’m going to steal a news van...

They won’t be able to report it.

“Well, unfortunately, I’ve got good news and I've got bad news.” “Gimme the good news first, Doc.”

“They’re going to name a disease after you.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Got some odd news in my dyslexia association newsletter today... [NSFW]

Turns out everybodies cocks go black this weekend.

In tonight's news

Newscaster: a man was found unconscious today at the park. His identity is unknown, all the authorities can say is that his brief is really old and full of holes.

My wife: that's my husband!

Guy goes to the doctor, the doctor says: I have a bad news and a good news.

P: what is the bad news?

D: because of your condition you’ll have to live on a very strict diet. No chocolate or sweets, no fried stuff, no coffee, no meat, no bread, no milk and no milk products in general. You can eat only green vegetables. And you’ll have have to keep this diet for the res...

A news station was interviewing an 80-year old woman who had just gotten married for the 4th time in her life.

The interviewer was asking her questions about her life, about how it felt to be marrying again at 80, and about her spouse.

The lady mentions hat her new husband is a funeral director.

Then the reporter asks her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little bit about her first three husba...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and gets bad news.

"You've got a rare disease and you've only got 6 months to live," the doc tells him. The patient is incredulous and tells the doctor he's going to get a second opinion.

He finds another doctor a few days later and after a battery of tests, this doctor gives him the same bad news. Patient is ...

A man is looking for a job in the news paper

A man is looking for a job in the news paper and he finds an ad for a donut shop, he applies and almost immediately gets the job.

On his first day he walks in the manager shoves him an apron and says

"all you have to do is sell donuts at the counter"

The man nods his head, pu...

Assistant to the President: Sir, there's a crisis - somehow, we only have one copy of Pixar's Up left in existence.

President: All right, find the person who currently owns it, and have him give it to me.

Assistant to the President: Well there's some bad news, sir ...

President: Bad news? Have him give me the DVD, I'll copy it and post it on the Internet, problem solved!

Assistant to the Pres...

Hey! How about that? I have good news for people wearing glasses!

Next year you'll be finally able to see 2020.

According to a news story, if global warming continues, in 20 years the only chance we’ll have to see a polar bear is in a zoo.

So in other words, basically nothing is going to change.

BAD NEWS

President Trump awakens one Winter morning to discover someone has peed “Impeach Trump” in the snow. He calls the Secret Service to investigate.

When they return, they tell the President that they have bad news and even worse news. The bad news is that it’s Vice President Pence’s urine. This ...

NEWS------N_E_W_S------N___E___W___S

Sorry to interrupt you with some breaking news

Climate change is getting on the news alot more nowadays.

You could say its a hot topic worldwide.

Bad news /good news surgeon

As I was laying in my hospital bed, freshly out of anesthesia the surgeon looked at me and said :
- I have a bad news and a good one to tell you!
-what's the bad news?
-your disease was beyond healing, you'll have just few weeks left to live!
-(sobbing) and the good news?
-My daughte...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Escalade with four Nazis crashed off a cliff. The news is calling it a tragedy.

Because a Escalade holds eight.

What do you call the news you’ve already read?

The knews.

A guy goes to the doctor and the doctor says, “ I’m sorry, but I have bad news and terrible news.”

The guy says, “ok, start with the terrible news I guess.”
“You have cancer” says the doctor.
“Wow, that is terrible,” the guy says. “But what’s the bad news then?”
“You also have Alzheimer’s.”
“Ok, well thank god I don’t have cancer!” The guy exclaims!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

*BREAKING NEWS* A baby is born without eyelids, and doctors use his foreskin to replace them.

The surgery was a success. The baby should make a full recovery, but he will always be a little cockeyed.

A boy desperately needs money to buy a new car

However, his mother forcibly tells him no. The boy, undeterred, decides to get a job to pay. He applies for many jobs, ranging from a mechanic to delivering newspapers. However, he is not accepted for any of them. Slowly, he gives up on his dream of buying a car.

Weeks later, the boy tells hi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Headache & testicles

Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years.

He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor.

The Doctor says, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches.

The bad news is that it will require removing your testicles.

You have a very rare condition...

Doctor: Do you want the good news first, or the bad news?

Man: Good news first please, doc!

Doctor: We’re naming a disease after you

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A local news station interviews a farmer about a farmer's daily life.

Interviewer: So, Mister, where do you wash your cows?
Farmer: The white one or the black one?

The interviewer wonders what the farmer means and goes along with it.

Interviewer: Umm... the white one.
Farmer: I wash her by the river.
Interviewer: What about the black one? ...

A doctor comes into a patient and says, "I've good news and I've bad news."

The patient says, "Give me the good news first."

The doctor replies, "The good news is that you get to name a newly-discovered disease."

#Breaking news

A clown recently had to retire earlier this week.
#
After sustaining an injury, the clown was found to have broken his funny bone.
#
Looks like he got the last laugh.

Have you heard the news about the Amazon rainforest?

It’s spreading like wildfire.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So, Alex sees an ad in the newspaper that says “Circus Looking for New Talents”.

Alex says to himself, “Eh, what the hell. I’m pretty talented,” and calls the circus.
A lady answers him.

“Hello,” she says.

“Hi, is this the circus?”

“Yes.”

“I’ve heard you’re hiring.”

“You’ve heard correctly, sir. What is your name?”

“Alex.”

“Alr...

Doctor: Ive got some good news and some bad news

Patient: Hit me doc I can take it


Doc: The good news is you no longer have cancer


Patient: Thats fantastic


Doc: The bad news is youre severly depressed and at risk


Patient: Thats impossible Ive never been happier


Doc: Your medical bill says othe...

An old woman is watching the news.

She sees a news report saying there is a car driving in the wrong direction on the highway.

So the old woman calls up her husband.

Old woman: be careful on the highway dear, there is a crazy driver on the highway driving the wrong way!

Old man: One driver? They are all driving t...

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