Sad News: The founder of /r/jokes has passed away

RIP Larry Tesler, the UI designer that created Cut, Copy and Paste, died age 74

It turns out, 'Fox News' has no actual coverage of foxes.

I was also disappointed by BBC news.

Doctor: “Sir, I have some bad news, I’m afraid your DNA is backwards”

Me: “and?”

Did you see that Dwarfism was in the news today?

It's a growing problem.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In breaking news, Trump’s personal library has burned down.

The fire consumed both books and in a tragic twist, he hadn’t even finished coloring the second one.





Edit: Wow! Thank you for all of the awards, I didn't anticipate that. Some people need to relax though. This is just a freakin' joke, not the agenda of a movement.

Also,...

Breaking News: The CEO of IKEA has been elected Prime Minister of Sweden.

He's currently assembling his cabinet.

Did you see the news about the fight that broke out when they played the wrong national anthem for the winning team at the Asian table tennis finals?

The headline read "Hong Kong Ping Pong Sing Song Ding Dong".

If you think Friday is a sad day, I’ve got some bad news for you.

Tomorrow is Sadder Day.

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Good news and bad news

A guy gets a call from a hospital and finds out his wife was in a terrible automobile accident.... When he gets to the hospital he is greeted by a doctor who says, “Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news regarding your wife.....”

“Let’s start with the bad news....”

“Sir, I’m...

A man goes in to his doctor's for an exam and the doctor says, "Well, I have good news and bad news."

The man says, "Give me the bad news first, Doc." The doctor says, "You've got a rare form of cancer. It's incurable and you have three weeks to live." "Oh my God!" says the patient. "After that, I'm glad there's good news. What is it?" The doctor smiles and points and says, "Do you see that good loo...

Breaking News - Devon and Cornwall Music Festival

The Devon and Cornwall Music Festival due to take place this weekend has had to be cancelled. They couldn't decide who to put on first, The Jam or Cream

Every evening news start with "Good evening"

And then they tell you why it's not.

Good news

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "What's new?" the bartender asks. "Good news, actually! I got home and the wife said that the police had stopped by today and wanted to interview me," the guy replies. "I don't even remember applying for a job there."

Bad news: a message in German sent 110 years ago by homing pigeon was just found.

Worse news: it was an acceptance letter to art school.

My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.

More on this after the break.

"John, bad news. Your mother-in-law died."

John is told that his mother-in-law has died. He removes the cross with Jesus from the wall and begins to take Jesus off the cross with a screwdriver. Family asks him: "What the hell are you doing?" John say: "Jesus set me free, and I'll set him free!"

Some sad news today.

After seven years of medical training, my friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and can no longer do the job he loves. What a waste of training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.

In other news

Inspired by Colin Mochrie's 6:00 News on Who's Line, I tried to come up with my own.

We now return you to your 6:00 news. I'm your host, Armand Dangerous. Earlier today, a man who lost a digit to his foot after a grievous skiing accident underwent a groundbreaking surgery where he requested t...

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Action News Update

And in other news...the sexual position formerly known as 69 will be changed to 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has gone up....

Breaking News: police station toilet stolen

Cops have nothing to go on.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I heard on the news that someone had robbed the Tokyo Origami Museum in Japan

The reporter said that the story is still unfolding.

Your lab results are back. It's not good news.

Doctor: I have your test results.

Mr. Smith: Don't sugarcoat it, doc.

Doctor: You have alzheimer's disease and terminal cancer.

Mr. Smith: Well at least I don't have cancer.

After attempting to climb Everest and failing, John has severe frostbite, hypothermia and goes into a coma.

After a lengthy and dangerous mountaintop rescue he's rushed to the nearest hospital, where after several days he finally wakes and is greeted by the Nepalese doctor.

Sir, I have bad news and good news. John, ever the optimist asks for the good news first.

Okay, the good news is the ...

A doctor told a patient that he had bad news and worse news.

The patient said to the doctor “what is the bad news?”

“You have 24 hours to live.”

“And the worse news?”

“I forgot to call you yesterday.”

In breaking news, Trump’s personal library has burned down.

The fire consumed both books and in a tragic twist he hadn’t even finished coloring the second one.

A woman gives birth to her first child and is laying in bed waiting for some test results to come back.

Eventually after a lengthy wait the doctor arrives and says:

“Ma’am, I have good news and bad news, which would you like first?”

Startled, she exclaims to get the bad news out of the way first.

“Well ma’am, the bad news is that your child is a ginger.”

Relieved that this ...

I got some bad news today. I was diagnosed with the big C.

Dyslexia.

How do you call a reporter that is creating news by just laying there?

Bench press.

I woke up to the news that I had gotten a girl pregnant!

I shouldn’t of given her boyfriend those defective condoms.

“I have one bad and one good news, which one you wanna first?” Says the doctor

Patient: “Ugh... the bad first.. go.”

Doctor: “OK you have terminal cancer and you’ll probably die in a week”

Patient: “Oh damn wtf, what’s the GOOD NEWS??”

Doctor: “Ohh you see that nurse over there? I think she’s interested on me”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

BBC News: “The Pope calls for ‘action’ on sexual abuse.”

Right after calling “Lights, camera...”

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident in the Bay Of Fundy, Nova Scotia , a man answered his door to find two grim-faced Mounties. "We know it's late, sir, but we have some information about your wife," said one of the Mounties.

"Tell me! Did you find her!?" the husband shouted.

The Mounties looked at each other. One said,

"We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news.. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, the ashen husband said "Give me the bad news first."
<...

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Breaking News: Elon Musk & Bill Gates have joined hands

to make a Penis Enhancer.....They will call it
ELONGATES

Breaking news: Germany is advising people to stock up on sausages and cheese.

This is starting to look like the Wurst Käse scenario.

I ran out of toilet paper so I started using old newspapers

The Times are rough

I asked my Granddaughter to give me the newspaper. She said that newspapers are so out of date, and that people now use tablets, so she handed me her iPad.

That Fly didn't stand a chance.

great news guys when you get the 2nd dose of the vaccine they promote you to

a superpfizer

Pravda news from April 27th 1986

Glorious Soviet technology allowed workers at Chernobyl power plant to complete five year plan of power production in mere five milliseconds.

Good news / Bad news type thing...

Good news: My test came back negative.

Bad news: It was an IQ test.

"I have good news and bad news," a defense attorney told his client

First the bad news:

The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with that found at the crime scene."
"

Oh, no!" cried the client. "What's the good news?"


"Your cholesterol is down to 140."

When my wife came home from work, I said, "Sit down, I've got some bad news. The cat's torn your budgie to pieces."

She replied with tears in her eyes, "We don't have a cat." I said, "I know, I had to borrow one."

The doctor told me I'm going deaf...

The news was hard for me to hear

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Real news: A 95 year old Tennesse man is being deported after admitting his Nazi past. When asked why, as a former Nazi, he is not allowed to stay in the US, he said, "I worked a simple job as a camp guard..."

"it's not rocket science"

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While in China, an American man is sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days ...

Guys, bad news... I have been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.

Docs call it feefiphobia.

You've heard of News Reporters right? What about News Demolishinists?

They make all the breaking news!

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BREAKING NEWS: A man was presented into the ER after shoving 6 plastic horses up his ass...

Doctors say that his condition is stable.

Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm.

He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Jack says, "You know what, I be...

Sad news.

About Meghan Markles car crash next month...

Guy: I have bad news...

Girl: Me too...Mike cheated on me...

Guy: I have good news!

Girl: huh?

Guy: I accidentally hit him on my way to work today

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hello! Mr. Hussein?

Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering who to invade next when his telephone rang.

"Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy up in County Cavan, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Saddam...

Doctor: i have some good news and some bad news after your surgery.

Patient: give me the bad news first.
Doctor: we f&$&d up and amputated the wrong leg
Patient: my god! wtf can’t be real! Give me the good news then
Doctor: the leg that needed to be amputated is getting better now and we don’t need to amputate it anymore.

I had no freaking idea!

I visited a local news website this morning and saw a picture of a good friend of mine on the front page with a title above saying, "A 34-year-old mechanic arrested for dealing drugs". I really thought I knew the guy, but I guess I was wrong. I mean, I've been a loyal customer of his for almost 7 ye...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

BREAKING NEWS Thieves have allegedly broken into the laboratory at Pfizer to try and steal the new Covid-19 vaccine...

They apparently took a case of viagra instead. The police are looking for a group of hardened criminals.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Guinness brewery worker travels to the home of his co-worker with bad news.

'I'm sorry Mary, but Keith died at the brewery today'.

'Oh my god!' replied Mary, 'What happened?!'

'He drown in a vat of Guinness Stout' said the worker, sadly.

'That's terrible! Was it a quick death at least?' asked Mary.

'I'm afraid not,' the worker replied, 'He got ou...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tiger, I've got some good news and bad news.

"Ok Doc. Give me the bad news first."
"We had to implant metal rods in your legs which could impact your play."
"That's Terrible! I'm Finished! I'll never be able to compete again! What's the GOOD news!"
"You balls are 3 inches from the pin."

His request approved, the news photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.

He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport. Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, ‘Let’s go’. The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.
Once in t...

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Some worrying news for grammar Nazis, a new study shows...

that homophone misuse is at an awl thyme hi.

In other news, the United States has recently accepted a 51st state.

All the states unite around adding the State of Emergency to the country.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just saw a news headline about an unidentified man found beaten, naked, and unconscious in the park.

The report described the man as overweight, unattractive, with a very small penis.

....

So anyway, I just called to see if you were okay. Call me back to check-in, worried about you.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Simple Economics

SOCIALISMYou have 2 cows.You give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and sells you some milk

NAZISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and shoots you

BUREAUCRATISMYou hav...

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was an American wrestler from Texas named John, who throughout his high school career had never lost a match. As he went on into college he continued undefeated. He became a national icon and symbol of American strength.

News began to circulate of a Russian wrestler who was fierce and unstoppable. As each wrestlers legends grew, a match was set up between the two, America versus Russia. The match would be held in Texas.

John began training immediately. Every day his coach would tell him, “This Russ ...

People in North Korea are so brainwashed by the government and controlled news thinking their country is great. Outsiders know better.

That is why I am glad to live in the greatest country in the world, America.

Harry went to his doctor on Thursday to review his test results. The Doctor told him that he has both good news and bad news.

"Good news is you have 48 hours to live," he said to Harry.

"Bad news is I should have told you on Tuesday.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Karen goes to the doctor not feeling well.

Karen: Doctor, I’ve not been feeling well lately.

Doctor: I’ve looked at your lab reports and I’m afraid I have some bad news.

Karen: Don’t give me this lab nonsense. I believe in homeopathic medicine, faith-based approaches and healing crystals. All my life, they have never failed m...

I tried to research what the term “confirmation bias” means

All I found was a bunch of fake news, so I stopped reading

A woman placed an ad in a news paper...

'I am looking for a male partner who needs to meet these three requirements. He shouldn't beat me. He shouldn't leave me. He should be great in bed.'
Three days later, her door bell rang, and she opened the door to find a man.
The man said, "Hi, I'm Tim. I don't have hands, so I can't beat yo...

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