Sad News: The founder of /r/jokes has passed away

RIP Larry Tesler, the UI designer that created Cut, Copy and Paste, died age 74

Watching American news lately fills me with overwhelming patriotism.

Because I'm Canadian.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A hurricane is headed for a small town. The news says that everyone needs to evacuate. A religious man in the town says "I'm not going to leave my home, God will protect me".

The hurricane hits, and it's bad. There's mass flooding, and the police come to the man's door and tell him he needs to leave. The man says "I'm not afraid, God will protect me." The police give up and leave him.

The water rises in his house, so the man is forced to climb onto his roof. Just...

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A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

’About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now she’s...

Breaking news :NASA wants first person to reach Mars, to be a woman.

So that when men arrive, dinner would be ready.

My wife is leaving me because she’s fed up with me talking like a news anchor.

More on this story later...

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?" ...

Old lady sees a news report and calls her husband's cell-phone

"Honey", she says, "You need to be careful. I just saw that there is a maniac driving the wrong way on the freeway"

Husband replies, "A maniac?! There's not just one- there are hundreds of them!!!!!"

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Son takes his father to the doctor. The doctor gives them the bad news that the father is dying of cancer.

Father tells the son that he has had a good long life and wants to stop at the boozer on the way home to celebrate it.

While at the pub, the father sees several of his friends. He tells them that he is dying of AIDS.

When the friends leave the son asks, "Dad, you are dying of cancer. W...

There has been a lot of fake news going on about the Camadian prime minister lately

Some of it is Trudeau

A blond is watching the news and hears that 2 Brazilian men died from Coronavirus.

She cried and asked, "Oh my gosh, how many is a Brazilian?"

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Guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and gets bad news.



"You've got a rare disease and you've only got 6 months to live," the doc tells him. The patient is incredulous and tells the doctor he's going to get a second opinion.

He finds another doctor a few days later and after a battery of tests, this doctor gives him the same bad news. Pati...

What should you name your kid if you want them to be a good news reporter when they grow up?

Justin

Moses reaches the bottom of Mt. Sinai, gathers the people together, and says, "Alright everyone, I've got good news and bad news. The good news is that I got him down to 10."

"The bad news is adultery stays."

Two best friends meet. "I have two bad news" says one to the other...

"OK, combine them."

"Your wife is cheating on us."

Sad news from the Nestle factory today as a man was crushed to death by hundreds of boxes of chocolate.

He tried in vain to attract attention but every time he yelled "The Milky Bars are on me!", people just cheered.

My wife is threatening to kick me out of the house because of my obsession with acting like a news anchor.

More on this after the break.

Breaking news! A group of ornithologists have recently published a study concerning the primary cause of death among Swallows:

Apparently, they don’t chew their food.

A woman is watching the news, and it says that there is a car driving down the wrong side on the road her husband takes to work.

Worried, she calls her husband and says: ‘be careful on the road, there’s a car driving the wrong way where you are’

The husband replies, ‘I know...

But there’s not just one car, there’s hundreds of them!’


Sorry if this has been posted before, couldn’t find it from searching...

R. Kelly in the news again--tested positive for the COVID-15 virus

...apparently COVID-19 was a little too old for him.

Three fathers were in the hospital waiting room for news about their new born children.

The nurse comes out and congratulates the first father for getting twins, the father is both happy over the news and also amazed that it's twins because he works at the "two hands hardware store".

After a while the nurse comes back out and congratulates the second father for getting triplets,...

Justin and I are taking a course on hosting the news [OC]

"You know, Justin and I are taking a course on hosting the news"

"you don't say! Wait, which Justin?"

"*This* Justin!

(OC: I thought on that while commenting on another Justin pun, but wouldn't be surprised if I'm not the first one to think of that)

BREAKING NEWS: Music shop burns down.

Scores injured.

My friend told me that he had a good news and a bad news.

I said “Just tell me the good news”

“Your car’s airbag works perfectly.”

BREAKING NEWS

The inventor of predictive text was injured in a traffic accident.

He's been bacon by ambience to the horse piddle.

A woman saw in the news that a crazy driver was going in the opposite direction on a one way road, so she called to warn her husband.

Her husband said "it's not just one, honey, it's all of them!"

BREAKING NEWS: The leader of North Korea, Kim Jong-un, is brain-dead following an invasive medical procedure.

Officials praise the regime for finding common grounds with the US.

A doctor walks into one of his patients room. He says: “Unfortunately, I have some bad news.”

“What is it?”, the patient replies with a concerned look on his face.

The doctor replies with: “I’m afraid you have Parkinsons disease.”

The patient, shocked by this news replies: “Oh my god, I’m literally shaking.”

A man went to the doctor and the doctor told him, "Sir, I have bad news, you are going to die soon"

The man said, "well that is just terrible, what should I do?"

The doctor told him, "You should take 3 mud baths every day"

The man said, "well, how is that going to help me?"

The doctor says, "It will get you used to the dirt"

A man who just won £100m on the lottery is being interviewed on TV news.

Interviewer : What are you planning to do with your winnings?

Winner : I’m going to spend half of it on expensive sports cars, women of dubious morals, strong drink, drugs and gambling.

Interviewer : And what will you do with the other half?

Winner : I’ll probably just waste it.

My activist friend was extremely sad after the recent news that recycling rates were at an all time low

Until I showed her r/jokes

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[NSFW] A man said to his girlfriend: I'll bet you can't tell me something that is both good news and bad news at the same time.

Her reply: Of all your friends, you have the nicest cock.

Three young friends, seeking a fortune, adventure together to Egypt where a new pyramid has been discovered.

Upon arriving at the pyramid, they are immediately told to leave as the site has already been excavated. The friends, not willing to concede, look for a different way in and find an entrance never before used.

It is through this entrance that they find a secret passage way, one that is made a...

According to latest news the current Governor of Florida used to own and run his own alligator farm. So not only does he have experience with horrible scaly reptiles

he's also worked with alligators too.

The News About the Giant Hornets is Actually Good for Reddit

They can murder the hive mentality

Some Good News From America!

We're currently celebrating our longest stint without a mass shooting in 20 years!

So there's that.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Good news! I read that people aren't hoarding toilet paper anymore,

Guess we wiped out that tissue, I mean, issue.

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client. "I have some good news, and I have some bad news." he says.

The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day. Give me the good news first."

The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she just invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15 million to $20 million, and I think she could be r...

I heard on the news that the police were looking for a runaway octopus

They said he was armed and dangerous

A father puts his 3-year old daughter to bed. His daughter wanted to say a prayer before sleeping, so the father listened.

“God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless Grandma, Good bye grandpa”

The father asked “why did you say good bye grandpa?”

The little girl said “I don’t know, it just seemed like the right thing to say.”

The next morning, the family received news that the grandfather had inde...

A man and a blonde are in a bar, watching the evening news. They describe the story of a man threatening to jump off a building

The man turns to the woman and says, “I’ll bet you $10 that he jumps”

The woman agrees to this bet, and they continue to watch. The man jumps off the building. Disappointed, the woman turns to hand him $10

The man declines the money. he says sheepishly, “I can’t take your money, I sa...

"I have good and bad news," the doctor said to his patient.

Patient: "Give me the good news first”

Doctor: “Your test results are back, and you have only two days to live."

Patient: "That's the good news? What's the bad news?"

Doctor: "I've been trying to reach you for two days."

News headline indicates there's been a zombie outbreak in North Korea

Headline: Kim Jong, Un-Dead

Good News: you have no more Pimples!

Bad News: Because no more space

Just found out that my gym teacher got arrested for selling drugs, and I was pretty shocked to hear the news

I had no idea he was a gym teacher

Breaking news...

A nine year old girl has disappeared after using moisturiser that makes you look ten years younger.

In News Today, a fight was started downtown by a man wearing a suit completely made of mirrors.....

The police said the man apologised once he had time to sit down and reflect.

A doctor tells his patient, "I have bad news, and really bad news. The patient says, "Ok, what's the bad news?" The doctor says "You only have 24 hours to live." The patient responds "Oh my God that's awful! What's the really bad news?"

"I forgot to tell you yesterday."

Just saw a news report

Just saw  a news report on the strains of isolation. It’s reported people are going crazy.  I had been talking  about  this with  my mircowave and toaster and all of us agree things are getting bad. I didn’t mention  anything  to the washing machine as he always has to put a different  spin on every...

Doctor: The bad news is you’re going to have to take one of these tablets everyday for the rest of your life.

Doctor: The really bad news is I’m only giving you three

Today i watched the news and saw that my nearest mechanic was a drug seller.

That's horrible, so many years being a client and only today i realized he could have repaired my car.

North Korea: Kim Jong-Un announced at a news conference that North Korea would be landing a man on the sun within 10 years.

A startled reporter shouted, “But the sun is thousands of degrees
Celsius. No one can get within 10 million miles of the sun!”

The audience was stunned at the reporter's brazen challenge and the room
fell into a long silence. But instead of having the
reporter arrested, Kim calmly re...

News Flash........... News Flash.

Isis suicide bomber kills himself & 78 other family members after deciding to work from home.

Apparently there’s a beef shortage on the rise.

Good news is fast food restaurants shouldn’t be affected.

Pakistan's capital city Islamabad has extended the ongoing lockdown for another eight days as the number of Covid-19 patients rose to 82, Dawn News reported today.

Things have gone from Islamabad to Islamaworse...

Breaking news KIM JONG UN just lost 50 lbs

He is now addressed as Slim Jong Un

The good news is that you're going to live the rest of your life like a billionaire.

The bad news is .... it's Howard Hughes.

The doctor comes in the room and says, "I've got good news and I've got bad news for you."

The bad news is you've got "HAGS".



"HAGS? What's that?"



"That's what we call it when you have herpes, AIDS, gonorrhea, and syphilis all at the same time.



"Doc, that's horrible, what's the good news?"



"There is a special treatment regime for...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.

One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years.
Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football t...

Breaking news: Sean Connery had a bunch of books fall on him.

When asked what happened, he said, "I'm ok, I only have my shelf to blame."

News: The CDC has advised no handshakes at this time.

Jeffrey Dahmer: “AWW...” ** STOPS BLENDER* *

In other news, the United States has recently accepted a 51st state.

All the states unite around adding the State of Emergency to the country.

Sad news....I lost my job as a stage designer,

I wasn't very happy but left without making a scene.

A man noticed that his friend only smoked two cigarettes at a time.

He asked him about it and his friend said: "one for me and one on my imprisoned brother's behalf. He told me to smoke for him too"

Years later, the man saw his friend smoking only one cigarette, he told him: "I'm guessing good news! Your brother finished his sentence?"

His friend said:...

Why did the chicken cross the road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

Joe Biden:...

News: Los Angeles to reopen gun shops as "essential" businesses.

Just in time for the reopening of the schools next week.

In honor of the eve of April Fools Day... just remember that tomorrow you need to be cautious of many tweets and news reports because most of them will be lies and simply there to try and trick you. Believe nothing, and trust no one.

Just treat it like it's any other day.



Have fun!

Doctor: "I have bad news, you are going to die."

Me: OMG. How long do I have?

Dr: 10

Me: Ten what? Years, months, weeks, days?

Dr: 9

Good news, you can't get infected if you don't have a license...

It's only a car-ownavirus

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