UPJOKE
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A zookeeper lost a pair of mongoose to a storm and needed to replace them. He began writing an email to his supplier...

“Dear sir, please send me two mongooses at once.”

That didn’t sound right, so he tried again.

“Dear sir, please send me two mongeese at once.”

That still didn’t sound right, so he gave it one last attempt:

“Dear sir, please send me one mongoose. And while you’re at it...

What is Forrest Gump’s email password?

1forrest1.

Best Little Convent in Texas (email forward from 2007)

A man was driving down a deserted stretch of Texas highway when out of the corner of his eye he notices a sign. It reads:


     SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS


     HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION


                   10 MILES


     He thinks it was just a figment of his...

Perfume and cologne can now be transferred via email.

They go into your scent folder.

Got an email asking me to invest in Egyptian architecture.

Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me.

Snail mail is far, far safer than email

Because everybody knows that the email of the species is more deadly than the mail.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Putin wanted to know if Zelenskyy was still alive...

Zelenskyy himself decided to send Putin a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Putin opened the letter which appeared to contain a single line of coded message.







370HSSV-0773H






Putin was baffled, so he emailed...

A teacher just graded one of her students’ homework 9/10 and 14/10

The student was so happy and she showed it to her mom as soon as she reached home.

However, the mom feels mildly disturbed as she thought the 14/10 didn’t make any sense. “14 out of 10? The teacher was just randomly writing the grade, so irresponsible”, she thought like this and the next day ...

Joke Of The Month

A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer
in his room, so he decided to send an email to his
wife. He accidentally typed the wrong email
address, and without realising he sent the email to
a widow who had just returned from her
husband's funeral. The widow decided to check
h...

A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud toward him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefu...

An Arab student emails his dad:

*An Arab student emails his dad:*

Dear Dad,

Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here,
but Dad, I am a bit ashamed to arrive at my college with my pure-gold Ferrari when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train.

Your son, Nasser.

...

email

All these people getting emails from the Prince of Nigeria. I got one from an Egyptian Pharaoh. Turned out to just be a pyramid scheme.

Why didn't Leia email Obi-Wan the Death-Star Plans?

The Jedi Code forbids attachments.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man went into confession crying, and told the priest:

“Forgive me father for I have sinned”.

“What have you done?” asked the priest.

“A few weeks ago I went to the library. I remained there until closing time and when I was about to go home, rain started pouring down. It was so intense I had to wait in the library. I had waited for a wh...

Check your emails more often

Turns out my DNA ancestry results came back 100% Nigerian and I’ve been neglecting my royal prince cousin for years

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guinness world record attempt !

Three roommates were hanging out in the living room one day, when one of them opened an email on their phone.

"Hey guys, the Guinness book of world records is coming to town! We should go get into it somehow!"

The shortest roommate, who was only 3 feet tall says "I'm going to go see if...

I received an email about an online course on Map Reading & Navigation.

They say it's so good you'll be able to read maps backwards.

But I soon realized it was just spam.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got an email at work that really made me feel like I had Impostor Syndrome

But I talked to my therapist and he said I wasn't good enough to have that, so I feel much better now.

\[I'd like to think that is original, but I am sure I am unwittingly riffing on something I heard... more impostor syndrome!\]

My wife emailed me our wedding photos, but I couldn’t open any of the files.

I always have trouble with emotional attachments.

Hacker sent me an email that he has hacked into my computer.

I said "prove it" and he sent me the username and password of my email, bank and social media accounts.

I replied "Thank you, that was the easiest Forgot Password process I have ever come across".

Fun fact: It is confirmed that monks are allowed to use email.

Just as long as there are no attachments.

My email password has been hacked.

That's the third time I've had to rename the cat.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend just emailed me

"thespacebuttonisbrokenonmylaptop.canyougivemeanalternative"

Does anyone know what "ternative" mean?

How do you send an encrypted email to Marcel Marceau?

Using S/MIME.

Why do you have to use email to communicate with a flat earther?

You can't reach them with fax.

Someone just sent me an email about potted meat.

I didn’t open it, it looked like Spam.

I was at a restaurant and a cute waitress was flirting with me. She gave her email and told me to hit her up sometime. I tried to email her the next day but the internet was down.

I couldn’t connect to the server

Why didn't the email subject line go to the party?

It had no body to go with.

Got an email from Google Earth proudly stating that they can read maps backwards.

I thought to myself, "That's just spam."

For my cake day, here's the oldest joke in my email, sent to me in 1996.

In honor of my cake day, I'm sharing the oldest joke in my email archive, that was sent to me on September 17, 1996.



Three unrelated men happen to die on the same day and go to heaven. St. Peter meets them at the gates and says "Congratulations! You've all made it to Heaven. Now, de...

Keyboard Woes

My girlfriend sent me an email:

myspacebarisbrokenpleasegivemeanalternative



My question - what does ternative mean?

I asked a monk if they were allowed to send emails

He said yes as long as there are no attachments

Are you allowed to send an email to a friend in prison?

you can do that, but you are not allowed to attach a file.

Maybe if we all emailed the Constitution to each other…

…the NSA will finally read it.

They should build the wall with Hillary's emails

Because nobody can get over them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My buddy sent me some pornographic films in an email attachment.

Sigh *unzips*

I once asked a Magic 8 Ball why I couldn't get my email

It responded "Outlook not so good."

Back from business trip.

A mother-in-law arrives home from the mall to find her son-in-law boiling angry and hurriedly packing his suitcase..

"What happened?", she asks anxiously.

"What happened! I'll tell you what happened..
... I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my busine...

Johnny’s email

A man walks into his office box on a Monday morning.
He checks his e-mails and sees one from his neighbor’s kid, little Johnny.

It reads, "Do you have any naked photos of your wife?"
Outraged the man replies, "NO I DO NOT!"

Shortly after he receives a second e-mail from Little J...

If you get an email starting with Knock Knock don’t open it.

It’s a Jehovah’s Witness working from home.

My friend just emailed me a compressed nsfw video

sigh... *unzips*

If you get an email that says "Find out what everyone is talking about in 2020" don't open it.

it's a virus.

Check eMail Address Before Sending

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 35 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minneapolis an...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old email-chain joke: The firefighter and the little girl.

Found this one while going through old emails from my mom, circa 2006...



A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(NSFW) Things have been going great since my doctor told me I can masturbate whenever I want.

His email said I could have a stroke at anytime.

I got a Buddhist email today

There was no attachment.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you have an email address?

An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and three kids. He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an aptitude test.

The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at minimum wage of $5.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hillary's emails would make the perfect construction material for building the great Trump Wall...

Since no one can get the fuck over them.

This furniture store keeps emailing me...

All I wanted was one night stand!

A homeless man walks into a job interview..

A homeless man walks into an interview for a truck driver position, the interview goes well.
The inteviewer said: well, I you meet our standards, just the last thing; what is your email address?
By which the homeless man replied: Sir, I don't own a computer, so I don't have an email address....

If you get an email from Hormel don’t open it.

It might be spam.

A year ago today, I was informed via email that 2020 would be the best year ever if I forwarded a prayer to 10 people.

My bad, y’all.

“Can you please stop sending me Spam emails?”

“I’m a vegetarian.”

Why couldn't Anakin Skywalker upload his pics to email them to Padme?

Because attachments are forbidden.

A young lady from my office just sent me an email

saying "ithinktherearesomeproblemswithmykeyboardcanyoupleasegivemeanalternative"

Oh boy am I excited, but what does "ternative" mean?

I asked my Spanish colleague if he could include me on an email

He replied, “CC”

A Nigerian businessman emailed me to invest in his mining business

Edit: thanks for the gold stranger

Melinda broke up with Bill through email

The email read as follows:


Bill,



I think it's time for us to see other people and move on from each other.


-M

Sent from my IPhone

Just got a scam email sent to me..

It was titled "Squadron 42 Update"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just accidentally emailed a porn link to a co-worker...

So I emailed ten other co-workers the link and called it a virus

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A doctor accidentally emailed the results of all his vasectomy patients to everyone on the internet.

They were publicly desemenated.

Just got the email "Webinar on how to avoid frauds is cancelled"

And the fee is non-refundable.

I sent an email to my friend in Mexico...

He never got it, guess I sent it to the wrong Juan.

Mom knows best

A mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl as a roommate. During his meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening while wat...

I got an email from a Nigerian Prince asking me for $100,000 to help him build a business and in return I am promised 10 fold. What does he think I am a fool?

I already invested in a Prince from Qatar for half the price last week. Sucker can’t scam me.

What does the Trump administration use instead of emails?

Alternative fax.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[Classic Old Joke] The son of an Arab oil tycoon joined a university in Berlin, after a month he sent an email to his dad.

'Dear Dad,

Germany is fine and the college is great. But I feel embarrassed to drive my gold plated Lamborghini to college when most of the students and even professors arrive by train'

Few hours later, he gets an email from his dad.

'Dear son ,

I just transferred $200 mi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Got an email from my Son's grade school today ...

Seems my little boy got sent to the Principal's office for giving his Teacher the finger.

The school staff still can't figure out who it belongs to and how he got it.

The Factory (OC)

"Jenkins!" the boss screamed. "I need you to go to China. The factory reports that they are turning out product as fast as they possibly can, but that just can't be right. I need you to go see what's going on."

So on Tuesday, Jenkins flew to Shanghai and drove to the factory, where he persona...

I used a magic 8 ball to try and find the best email service

..all it would tell me was "Outlook good"

A zen student asked his master: “Is it okay to use email?”

“Yes”, replied the master, “but with no attachments.”

I was reading my emails...

The other day I was reading my emails and there was one from my boss, it said;

"Mr. Morgan I regret to inform you that although I thought this company could tolerate your ADD, I'm afraid you're just not productive enough. You may turn up Wednesday to collect your things. I sincerely hope you ...

PSA: IF YOU RECEIVE AN EMAIL SAYING, "You've won two free tickets to a Justin Bieber concert!" DO NOT OPEN IT.

It contains two tickets to a Justin Bieber concert.

When Tom Hanks is finishing an email...

...he doesn't need to write a signature after he gives thanks

Just got an email from a Nigerian prince, he says he'll give me all of his wealth for free.

Edit: Thanks for the gold kind stranger.

The testicular cancer society called me and said, “Did you get our email?” I said No.

They said, “Then you better check your junk.”

An Email from God

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the evil that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. So he called one of His best angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.

When she returned she told God, yes it is bad on Earth, 95% is bad and 5% is ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Probably old, but I got it in email and it made me chuckle.

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her
return, her father cursed her heavily. "Where have ye been all this
time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why
didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother
through?""

The gir...

I had a hot girlfriend but then she sent me an email in Helvetica and I had to move on.

Not my type

You shouldn’t take a lawyer’s advice over emails

Because that would be...





E-legal.

A man leaves his wintry home...

A man leaves his wintry home for a holiday in the sun, to be joined by his wife the following day.

When he arrives at their villa he sends a quick email to his wife but, unfortunately, when typing her email address he misses one letter and his email is directed instead to an elderly preacher'...

On Soviet Twitter, you cannot sign in with email

You can only use your ussrname

Why are prisoners not allowed to have email?

Don't want to risk someone attaching a file.

I should never have given my real email address to Rolex.

Now I'm forever placed on some kind of watch list.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is it called when you email someone a dick pic?

Junk mail

I get a lot of emails from a guy named Don O'Treply.

I wonder why he never seems to get my replies?

Got a flat...

Got a flat in one of my new high-tech tires.

Emailed the company. They sent me a patch.

Fake out clean jokes

Some of my favorite jokes are ones where the set-up sounds like it's going to be offensive, but the punch line takes it back to clean town. My top 3 examples:

I like my email passwords like I like my ladies... Same one for the last 10 years.

If it wasn't for the Arabs, we'd have never ...

Got an email from boredhousewife423 saying she was looking for some action

I sent her my laundry. That'll give her something to do

The Email

After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis. They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together.



...

I ordered a book called "How To Make People Feel Uncertain".

I got an email just now: It *could* not be delivered today.

The fence builder hates getting emails about his materials.

He's tired of seeing Re: Posts

Which email attains enlightenment ?

The one which has no attachments !

I invented a device to disrupt the watchmaking industry. I emailed a proposition to a French watchmaker. Their response?

Seiko Killer? Qu'est-ce que c'est?

I sent an email to my Chinese pen pal asking how everything was.

He replied with can't complain

Normal people use their children’s names to set their email passwords.

Elon Musk uses his email password to name his baby.

I got an email notification about a joke being posted in Reddit

I clicked delete, but my email client wouldn't let me send it to trash. Apparently, jokes can only be recycled, not sent to trash

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There's an email going around that claims to include a nude photo of Hillary Clinton

Don't open it. It contains a nude photo of Hillary Clinton.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Warning! If you receive an email with a link called 'free porn' don't open it.

It is a flocking birus wich deactivates your spelchek and garblis up you riting. I also receibed it but lukily I dont does porn so I dint opin it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

*emailing dick pic

Computer: Insert file

Me: ok *browse the file

Computer: Try again

Me: *did it again

Computer: Try again

Me: *tries again

Computer: Harder!

Me: what?

Computer: what

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend just sent me an email where he misspelled the word "maneuver" into the word "manure."

What a sack of shit.

I just received an email titled $50 TO SEE JUSTIN BIEBER LIVE

I'm really the wrong person to email for these kind of ransoms.

If you get an email telling you that you can catch swine flu from tins of ham then delete it.

It's spam.

I made my Google email password as 'Saitama'.

Google said 'Your password is VERY STRONG'.

Just had an email from Trip Advisor.

They recommend LSD.

WARNING: There's an email going round...

...offering Processed Pork, Gelatin, and Salt in a Can.

If you get this email, DO NOT OPEN IT.

It's spam!

I got an email. It said, "We think there's been a mysterious transaction on your account."

Because I'm no longer in debt.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you get an email saying "click this link to hear Nickelback's new album for free" DO NOT CLICK IT

It will take you directly to a site where you can hear Nickelback's new album for free.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grandfather sent me this in an email this morning.

Frank is 85 and lives in a Senior Citizens Home. Every night after dinner he goes to a secluded garden behind the home to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life. One evening, Mildred, age 82, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man wins an online contest but enters the wrong email address to access the code.

He realizes that his account is on yahoo instead of gmail and now someone else has received the code to access the $5000 prize. He drives to his office disheartened and asks his secretary if he should just send an email to the account requesting the person to forward the code. Then his frustration i...

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