A zookeeper lost a pair of mongoose to a storm and needed to replace them. He began writing an email to his supplier...

“Dear sir, please send me two mongooses at once.”

That didn’t sound right, so he tried again.

“Dear sir, please send me two mongeese at once.”

That still didn’t sound right, so he gave it one last attempt:

“Dear sir, please send me one mongoose. And while you’re at it...

For my cake day, here's the oldest joke in my email, sent to me in 1996.

In honor of my cake day, I'm sharing the oldest joke in my email archive, that was sent to me on September 17, 1996.



Three unrelated men happen to die on the same day and go to heaven. St. Peter meets them at the gates and says "Congratulations! You've all made it to Heaven. Now, de...

What is Forrest Gump’s email password?

**1Forrest1**

Uninvited Guest

A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud toward him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how ...

Hacker sent me an email that he has hacked into my computer.

I said "prove it" and he sent me the username and password of my email, bank and social media accounts.

I replied "Thank you, that was the easiest Forgot Password process I have ever come across".

Why do many Buddhists don't like to use email?

Because they don't like attachments.

email

All these people getting emails from the Prince of Nigeria. I got one from an Egyptian Pharaoh. Turned out to just be a pyramid scheme.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Old Man Overboard

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy.

They were standing on the back of the boat, watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old man overboard.

They searched for days and couldn't find him, so the captain sent the old woman back to shore with the pro...

My wife emailed me our wedding photos, but I couldn’t open any of the files.

I always have trouble with emotional attachments.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Medical joke...

I work in medicine and I've been getting a lot of emails and messages about counterfeit drugs coming into America. Apparently some medications are being sold in America that were made in backwoods factories and third world countries. The latest message I got from the FDA was to be on the lookout f...

I once asked a Magic 8 Ball why I couldn't get my email

It responded "Outlook not so good."

This furniture store keeps emailing me...

All I wanted was one night stand!

Some losses may be your gain

An unemployed man applies for a job as a toilet cleaner at a large computer company and takes an appointment for an interview with the company's manager.

During the interview, the manager told the unemployed person: You have been accepted for the job.

But we need your email to send you...

An English lady, while vacationing in Switzerland, fell in love with a small town and the surrounding countryside.

She asked the pastor of a local church if he knew of any houses with rooms to rent that were close to town, but out in the country. The pastor kindly drove her out to see a house with a room to rent. She loved the house and decided to rent the room. Then, the lady returned to her home in England to ...

I asked a monk if they were allowed to send emails

He said yes as long as there are no attachments

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man went to confession crying, and told the pries

“Forgive me father for I have sinned”.

“What have you done?” asked the priest.

“A few weeks ago I went to the library. I remained there until closing time and when I was about to go home, rain started pouring down. It was so intense I had to wait in the library. I had waited for a whil...

Johnny’s email

A man walks into his office box on a Monday morning.
He checks his e-mails and sees one from his neighbor’s kid, little Johnny.

It reads, "Do you have any naked photos of your wife?"
Outraged the man replies, "NO I DO NOT!"

Shortly after he receives a second e-mail from Little J...

Just got a scam email sent to me..

It was titled "Squadron 42 Update"

I was shocked today when I heard my neighbor..

.. telling his son the difference between Email and Gmail.

He said Email is when you use Electricity to send mail while Gmail is when you use Generator to send mail.

I'm still struggling to catch my breath.

Why couldn't Anakin Skywalker upload his pics to email them to Padme?

Because attachments are forbidden.

I sent an email to my friend in Mexico...

He never got it, guess I sent it to the wrong Juan.

A mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl as a roommate. During his meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there's more between him and his roommate.

Reading his mom's thought, his son volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates."

About a week later, his roo...

Kim Jong Un decided to send Donald Trump a letter

Kim Jong Un decided to send Donald Trump a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still alive. Trump opened the letter which appeared to contain a single- line coded message: 370HSSV – 0773H. Trump was baffled, so he scanned it and emailed it to his aides, who had no clue either, so th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you have an email address?

An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and three kids. He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an aptitude test.

The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at minimum wage of $5.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that...

If you get an email from Hormel don’t open it.

It might be spam.

I got a Buddhist email today

There was no attachment.

A woman in my office died.

A woman in my office died.

It’s not like I didn’t notice but for months afterwards I kept on copying her into emails.

Some people got upset and I was like
‘Sorry - I CC dead people.’

Melinda broke up with Bill through email

The email read as follows:


Bill,



I think it's time for us to see other people and move on from each other.


-M

Sent from my IPhone

Native American name - a true story

25 years ago, I worked with a guy named Kee Smith (last name changed here... this is really a real story). Kee was sort of a crunchy granola type of European ancestry. Eventually, he told the story about his unusual name.

He said he was born on a reservation, and he was placed in a bassinet...

April 5th national read a map day

Got an email from Google Earth proudly stating that they can read maps backwards.

I thought to myself, "That's just spam."

My email password has been hacked again

That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat

4 kids are at a party on sunday night

They wake up on Monday morning, and knowing they wouldn’t be back in time to take a test, they emailed the professor and told him that they had a flat tire. The professor responded “ok, you can take the test tomorrow”

The next day the kids are at school. The professor says “you all have to ta...

An Arab student emails his dad:

*An Arab student emails his dad:*

Dear Dad,

Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here,
but Dad, I am a bit ashamed to arrive at my college with my pure-gold Ferrari when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train.

Your son, Nasser.

...

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman"

She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly ...

I got an email from a hacker today..

It was written " you should transfer $500 to this btc, as I already know your full name, address and ssn".

I replied " so do I ".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A doctor accidentally emailed the results of all his vasectomy patients to everyone on the internet.

They were publicly desemenated.

Nigerian man found dead in his flat with $45million cash

He spent the last 10 years trying to share it, but no one replied to his emails.

If you get an email starting with Knock Knock don’t open it.

It’s a Jehovah’s Witness working from home.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[Classic Old Joke] The son of an Arab oil tycoon joined a university in Berlin, after a month he sent an email to his dad.

'Dear Dad,

Germany is fine and the college is great. But I feel embarrassed to drive my gold plated Lamborghini to college when most of the students and even professors arrive by train'

Few hours later, he gets an email from his dad.

'Dear son ,

I just transferred $200 mi...

I was at a restaurant and a cute waitress was flirting with me. She gave her email and told me to hit her up sometime. I tried to email her the next day but the internet was down.

I couldn’t connect to the server

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Got an email from my Son's grade school today ...

Seems my little boy got sent to the Principal's office for giving his Teacher the finger.

The school staff still can't figure out who it belongs to and how he got it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How to Write a Paper

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair, in a well lit place, with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

2. Check your email.

3. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand.

4. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you conce...

I asked my Spanish colleague if he could include me on an email

He replied, “CC”

Just got the email "Webinar on how to avoid frauds is cancelled"

And the fee is non-refundable.

My grandpa isn't very computer savvy

So my Grandpa (72) got on the internet only recently and is still very unsure about how to use it. A month or so ago I taught him how to use email, to his amazement.
I also showed him how web browsing works and showed him how to put questions into Google search.
Yesterday he was planning t...

I got an email from a Nigerian Prince asking me for $100,000 to help him build a business and in return I am promised 10 fold. What does he think I am a fool?

I already invested in a Prince from Qatar for half the price last week. Sucker can’t scam me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man is wandering, lost, in a forest when he comes upon a small house.

He knocks on the door and is greeted by an old Chinese man with a long grey beard. “I’m lost,” said the man, “Can you put me up for the night?”
“Certainly,” the Chinese man said, “but one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tort...

A year ago today, I was informed via email that 2020 would be the best year ever if I forwarded a prayer to 10 people.

My bad, y’all.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day

Teach a man to phish and he will start emailing people telling them he’s a Nigerian Prince

Tired of the modern world, a businessman visited a monastery to seek a simpler life

Entering the monastery, he saw monks in simple robes practicing their meditations and tending to the grounds.

"Ahh," he thought, "here is a life free from distraction!"

But walking into the study halls, he discovered monks staring into laptops. In the wings, he saw monks typing on iPa...

You shouldn’t take a lawyer’s advice over emails

Because that would be...





E-legal.

I think there is a bug in my Tinder app, I'm not getting any matches.

So I wrote an email to Tinder's tech support, but apparently they have the same issue.

I used a magic 8 ball to try and find the best email service

..all it would tell me was "Outlook good"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One of the British national daily newspapers was asking readers: "What it means to be British?".

Some of the emails were hilarious but this one from a Swiss was a winner.
 
"Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for
a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a
Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on a Swedish furniture and watch
Americ...

A Nigerian businessman emailed me to invest in his mining business

Edit: thanks for the gold stranger

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A male band member’s manager learns that a local tabloid is looking for something scandalous to write a story about.

Trying to get ahead of whatever is coming, they go ahead and write out a list of rules for their client to follow to try and avoid catching the press’s attention. They emailed the list to the celebrity and told them to follow the instructions very closely.

A few days later, one of the manage...

Cosmopology

A grad student was reading through a cosmology working draft when he discovered one that referred to the majority of stars in the sky as Bowie Remnants. Confused, he emailed the professor and asked for an explanation.
Well, a Bowie Remnant is what you get when a bright star tries to collapse i...

The clinic where I had my recent testicular cancer exam called me and asked, “Did you get our email?” Rather alarmed, I exclaimed, “No! What should I do!?" They replied...

“You better check your junk.”

Two women go to Spain to buy a bull...

Two women got sent to Spain from America to buy a bull for a wealthy Rancher.

They have a great time travelling and sight seeing.
They lose themselves in the fun and end up spending all of their bull-purchasing money buying match tickets to watch the El Classico. Once the euphoria is over,...

If you get an email that says "Find out what everyone is talking about in 2020" don't open it.

it's a virus.

The fence builder hates getting emails about his materials.

He's tired of seeing Re: Posts

His holiness the Dalai Lama

Sent an email to Xi Jinping.

Xi Jinping opened the email and clicked on the attachment.

It was malware and the Party's computer system crashed.

Xi Jinping got on the phone and angrily demanded an answer from His Holiness.

"With attachment, comes suffering", said the Dalai...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lawyer on an aeroplane

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a flight from L.A. To New York. The lawyer decides to pass the time by asking her if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I have a question. Is it for fuck's sake, or for fuck sake?

Like, should I put an apostrophe to show possessive? I guess the question would be, is it for the sake of all fucks, or just this fuck in particular?

Idk, so let me know because I'm at work trying to send an email, and I wanted to sound professional.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend just emailed me

"thespacebuttonisbrokenonmylaptop.canyougivemeanalternative"

Does anyone know what "ternative" mean?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My buddy sent me some pornographic films in an email attachment.

Sigh *unzips*

The office servers and network were suddenly incredibly slow...

Emails and messages weren’t been sent out and requests to access shared drives were timing out. Virtual meetings were coming to a standstill. It was serious.

The IT dept revved into action and started diagnosing everything - from the cables to the servers themselves to electrical supply to ...

I know I shouldn't have done this, but...

... I am 83 years old.   I was in the McDonald’s drive-through this morning.  The young lady behind me leaned on her horn and started mouthing something because I was taking too long to place my order.  So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own.  The cashier must have ...

Just got an email from a Nigerian prince, he says he'll give me all of his wealth for free.

Edit: Thanks for the gold kind stranger.

A man and his wife plan a trip to the South.

Sadly, because of work, the wife has to leave one day after the husband. This was before cell phones, so he had to borrow a computer to send her an email. However, he makes a small spelling mistake in the email address and the email is sent to someone else. That someone was the wife of a priest who ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Is it "for fucks sake", or "for fuck sake"?

It's for a work email so it has to sound professional.

Tried my best translating this fom Portuguese

A man and his wife decide that they would go on holiday to the same place where they had they're honeymoon 20 years ago. The wife couldn't make it because she had a problem in her job, so the husband catched the plane and his wife would come in the next day. When he arrives at the hotel he emails hi...

During this lockdown, please think of the confidence level and mental health of your companies IT person.

They have gone more then three months without being able to look you in the eye without smirking, while first turning your computer off and then on again, before accessing the admin profile to delete then add the wireless printer again so you can print your emails.

Normal people use their children’s names to set their email passwords.

Elon Musk uses his email password to name his baby.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is it called when you email someone a dick pic?

Junk mail

My friend just emailed me a compressed nsfw video

sigh... *unzips*

A blonde and a lawyer are on a plane

And they’re sitting next to each other. The lawyer gets bored and decides to play a game.

He asks the blonde to join. The lawyer says “we’ll each ask each other a trivia question. If you get it right, you earn $5. If you get it wrong, the other person earns $5.”

Well, the blonde isn’t...

Why are prisoners not allowed to have email?

Don't want to risk someone attaching a file.

How do pirates sign off their email?

Regaaaaarrds!

Which email attains enlightenment ?

The one which has no attachments !

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend just sent me an email where he misspelled the word "maneuver" into the word "manure."

What a sack of shit.

Just had an email from Trip Advisor.

They recommend LSD.

Panda Express fired me for emailing around photos of bad stir fry...

I guess I should have labelled them Not Safe for Wok...

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during particularly icy winter.

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules, so the husband left Minnesota...

My Chinese friend from Wuhan emailed us a joke about how Covid-19 began, but nobody understood.

I guess you had to be there to get it.

When Tom Hanks is finishing an email...

...he doesn't need to write a signature after he gives thanks

I got an email notification about a joke being posted in Reddit

I clicked delete, but my email client wouldn't let me send it to trash. Apparently, jokes can only be recycled, not sent to trash

A guy tells his psychiatrist:

"It was terrible. I was away on business, and I emailed my wife that I’d be back a day early. I rushed home from the airport and found her in bed with my best friend. I don’t get it. How could she do this to me? “Well," says the psychiatrist. "Maybe she didn’t see the email."

I got an email. It said, "We think there's been a mysterious transaction on your account."

Because I'm no longer in debt.

On Soviet Twitter, you cannot sign in with email

You can only use your ussrname

The next generation of the Nigerian email scam is here :P

Hello My Dear


Calvary Greetings in the name of the ALMIGHTY


I am Mrs Monica Gorgia from Switzerland I am married to Mr Joseph Gorgia who is a wealthy business man here in Burkina Faso. we are devoted christian.
We own a papermill in Nigeria where we currently have ...

A student never turns in his homework because his dog keeps eating it. After moving to online classes, the teacher thought he finally wouldn’t have an excuse.

Because of the global pandemic, the teacher had to move the assignments online. Thinking of this student, she thought that he surely wouldn’t have an excuse anymore and would finally have to turn an assignment in.

But after the assignment was due and the teacher was done grading, she noticed...

A monk was checking his emails.

A woman saw this and looked at him weirdly,
Soon she approached him and asked
"is it okay for monks to use emails?"
The monk said "Ofcourse its okay for Monks to use Emails,
As long as there are no attachments"

Whether Tom Hanks signs his thank you messages "T.Hanks" won't matter...

People won't open his emails anymore because it might be a virus

One buzzword in today’s business world is “Marketing”

Courtesy of a friend via email; this is a quick 'primer' on Marketing....
People often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing." Well, OK, here it is:

* You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing....

4 college guys go on a weekend road trip.

They are having such a good time that they decide to play hooky and skip out on their Monday exam in psychology. They all send their professor an email saying they had a flat tire while out of town and the professor said no problem, unexpected things happen. They could take it on Tuesday.

Ce...

I sent an email to my Chinese pen pal asking how everything was.

He replied with can't complain

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My boss is a dick

My boss is a dick. He emails motivational quotes to the whole company every Monday morning.

This weeks was ‘Do one thing everyday that scares you.’

So I emailed back telling him to go fuck himself.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"We are the most diverse and progressive office in the country!"

A white man of about 35 sat down in the manager's office, ready for his interview. He was applying for a job as a chemical engineer, trying to engineer cleaner catalytic converters for cars.

"So, welcome to Cleaner Industries! We are the most diverse and progressive office in the country!" sa...

Buddhism is opposed to our always-on, technologically driven lives.

It’s not the emails that are the problem. It’s the attachments.

Never open email or accept friend requests from Hormel Foods...

It could be SPAM.

A young couple got tired of the cold weather and decided to take a trip down to Florida.

But because their work schedules didn't work together, it was decided that the husband would fly down first, with the wife following the next day. When the husband arrived in Florida, he decided to send an email to his wife, but unknowingly sent it to the wrong email. Meanwhile, in a different town,...

The CEO of Apple, Huawei and Nokia are all sitting together in a hot tub...

... bragging about their newest groundbreaking technology.

The CEO of Apple starts explaining how his company invented a tiny speaker and a tiny mic which would be surgically attached to your thumb and pinky finger - so you could receive a phone call, only by putting your hand to your ear. ...

I received an email from a teenage prince from the Middle East.

The email said that I could stay at his palace if I wanted to.

I then asked him “where in the Middle East are you from?”

He said he was Palace-teen-ian

You don't have to worry about a draft in the United States

Every time Trump clicks "Draft", it just saves the email and never sends.

The Koala and the Lizard

A koala is sitting up a gumtree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past, looks up and says:

"Hey Koala!
What are you doing?"

The koala says: "Smoking a joint."
"Come up and have some."

So the little lizard climbs up, sits next to the koala
and they enjoy a large...

My boss sent me an email in big, dark letters demanding that I personally deliver my report to him ASAP…

I’ve got to hand it to him, that was pretty bold.

I invented a device to disrupt the watchmaking industry. I emailed a proposition to a French watchmaker. Their response?

Seiko Killer? Qu'est-ce que c'est?

An English teacher pulls his student aside after class and goes off on him.

Every time you forget to properly punctuate your work. Please, it's the hundredth time I've asked you, can't you get it through your thick skull? Seriously, it's not that hard. The last time I told you off was what, a day ago? Every time it's the same thing, the same mistakes. It's not a hard thing ...

A couple was preparing to take a beach vacation in California...

The wife had something come up at work the day of their departure. The couple pondered what to do before deciding that the husband should go ahead and take the flight to their destination and the wife would follow the next day.

The husband had a nice flight, consuming four bags of peanuts wh...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Warning! If you receive an email with a link called 'free porn' don't open it.

It is a flocking birus wich deactivates your spelchek and garblis up you riting. I also receibed it but lukily I dont does porn so I dint opin it

Man I’ve really had it with Ebay

I’ve had it with eBay! Every time I order chicken pellets they email me asking for their feed back!

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