A man drives a train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder

So, he’s on death row and the executioner approaches him.

“What would you like for your last meal?”

“I would like a banana please.”

The executioner thinks it’s weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits a while, and gets strapped into the electric c...

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A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over a small stream, taking a drink.

The gorilla runs up behind the lion, grabs on, and has his way with him. The gorilla then takes off running, with the very angry lion on his heels. As they run through the jungle, the gorilla gets a bit of a lead, and sees a British safari camp ahead.

The gorilla enters the camp, grabs some k...

Late one night a man is driving down the road, speeding quite a bit. A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over.

The cop says to the man, "Are you aware of how fast you were going?"

The man replies, "Yes I am. I'm trying to escape a robbery I got involved in."

The cop gives him a skeptical look and asks, "Were you the one being robbed?"

"No, I committed the robbery," the man casually says....

A husky, a pitbull, and a chihuahua are all fighting over a poodle.

Poodle says: "I'll only choose the mate who can use the words 'Liver' and 'Cheese' in one sentence..."

Husky: "Well that's easy, I love liver and I love cheese!"

Poodle: "That's not gonna work"

Pitbull: "I hate liver and I hate cheese!"

Poodle: "...No"

Chihuahua: "...

I was so embarrassed that my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set that I threw the bedsheet over it.

I think I managed to cover my tracks.

A girl promises to teach her boyfriend what 69ing is. He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts. Embarrassed she stands up and apologizes. She squats down for another go but farts again, she gets up and apologizes again.

Before she can have a third go, her boyfriend gets up and goes to walk out saying “yeah this isn’t really for me, I’m not having 67 more of those in my face”

It was on this day in 1978 that cult leader Jim Jones carried out a mass murder/suicide of over 900 of his followers in Jonestown, Guyana. Horrifying. There's a joke about it but it's wildly innappriopriate.

And anyway, the punchline's too long.

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A mob dragged a man into a police station for running over 11 people, while shouting "Monster!" "Murderer!" "Killer! ".

The policeman dispersed the crowd and began to interrogate the suspect.

The policeman : Tell me what happened.

The suspect : Sir I was driving home within the speed limit when my brakes failed. I had no choice but to either crash the car into a group of 10 people or to swerve into th...

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A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he migh...

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Irish daughter hadn't been home for over 5 years. Upon her return her Father cursed her heavily.

Iris‌‌h daughte‌‌r ha‌‌d no‌‌t bee‌‌n hom‌‌e fo‌‌r ove‌‌r ‌‌5 years‌‌. Upo‌‌n he‌‌r retur‌‌n he‌‌r Fathe‌‌r curse‌‌d he‌‌r heavily‌‌.

"Wher‌‌e hav‌‌e y‌‌e bee‌‌n al‌‌l thi‌‌s time‌‌, child‌‌? Wh‌‌y di‌‌d y‌‌e no‌‌t writ‌‌e t‌‌o us‌‌, no‌‌t eve‌‌n ‌‌a line‌‌? Wh‌‌y didn'‌‌t y‌‌e call‌‌? Ca‌‌n ...

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Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball when suddenly a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head.

He passes the first woman, who looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband," she says.

He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband either."

He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her.

"Wait a minute," she says....

My ex-wife passed away so I went to the cemetery to honor her. I brought a 20 year old bottle of fine scotch and poured it over her grave

But first I filtered it through my kidneys.

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A husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?"

"We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

"Yes", she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a...

A guy asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?" The girl replied with a loud voice: "NO! I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" All the students in the library started looking at the guy; he was pretty embarrassed. After a while the girl walked quietly over to the

guy's table and said: "I study psychology, I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?" The guy then responded with a loud voice: "$1000 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH!" All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy whispered "I guess you felt bad for wha...

A wife desperately tries to prove to her husband that her affair is over.

He had already forgiven her, but still hadn’t spoken to her in days. The only thing she could think of, is that he must still not trust her. To convince him, she cut her ex lover’s obituary out of the newspaper. Her affair ended long before the accident, but she thought she could ease her husband’s ...

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Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking

Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.<...

Girl: Come over

Guy: I'm coming over

Girl: We should stop using Walkie-Talkies in bed over

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A Cop Pulls a Little Old Lady Over for Speeding

Cop pulls over a little old lady and asks for her licence and registration. When she pulls out her wallet, he sees a handgun in her purse.

"Ma'am, is that a gun in your purse?"

"Yes, Officer, it's a .38 Smith & Wesson revolver."

"Please place that purse on the passenge...

I ran over 2 Miles yesterday

Such a coincidence that both unfortunate fellas had the same name.

Just as mom walks though the door, little Johnny comes running over. He says ''Mommy, Mommy. I was playing in daddy's closet and he came in with the lady next door and they started kissing and then they took off each others clothes and laid down on the bed...'" The mother interrupts him.

''Stop right there!! Wait 'till daddy comes home!!'' When the father finally returns from work, mother promptly goes up to him and says ''I'm leaving you.''
The father, bewildered, slowly asks ''Why!?! What did I do??''
The mother turns to Johnny and says, ''Tell daddy exactly what you told me...

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A man is flying a plane over the Amazon, when he suddenly crashes….

But he is ok, don’t worry. He’s staggering through the jungle when he suddenly realizes he is surrounded by bloodthirsty savages.And he thinks, ‟Man, I’m totally fucked.”

‟No”, a voice booms out from the heavens, ‟You’re not fucked.”

The voice continues, ‟Listen to me very carefully. ...

A Blonde woman was speeding down the road and was pulled over by a female police officer, who was also a blonde.

The Blonde Cop asked to see the blonde driver’s license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

‘What does it look like?’ she finally asked. The policewoman replied, ‘It’s square and it has you picture on it.’

The driver finally found a square mirror in ...

A guy pulls over for a hooker on the side of the street.

He rolls down the window and asks “How much?”

She says “$5.00”

He motions for her to get in the car.

They do their business and he drops her off.

The morning after, he calls her and says “Hey, we have a problem - I think you gave me crabs.”

She says “Well, what d...

A man was pulled over by a police officer...

As the officer approached the vehicle he noticed a large number of knives in the back seat.

Looking at the driver he asked, "Sir, do you have a good reason for needing all those large knives?"

Smiling the driver said, "Why yes, I juggle them."

Realizing the officer was giving hi...

A sixth grade teacher asks her class how many were Trump fans.

A sixth grade teacher asks her class how many were Trump fans.

Despite them not knowing what a Trump fan was but wanting to be liked by the teacher, they all raised their hands. Well, all except for little Timmy.

The teacher looks over to little Timmy and asks, “Timmy, why are you bein...

A husband and a wife over their marriage had eight kids.One day the husband notices that their sixth kid, Billy, looks very different from the other seven.

The husband goes to his wife and asks her, “Honey, I noticed that Billy looks different from the other children, did you have an affair?”

The wife starts to break down into tears and nods her head.

The husband, heartbroken, quietly asks his wife, “So who is Billy’s father?”

“You...

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My grandpa loves jokes and over quarantine he sent us an extensive list of jokes. He called these ones groaners. Please enjoy. ( NSFW warning I don’t know how to tag it)

I lived in a houseboat for a while and started seeing the girl next door. Eventually, we drifted apart.



My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it is going to be on my own Accord.



A man tried to sell ...

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A man was standing in a hotel elevator when his elbow brushed over a woman's breast. Apologetically, he said "If your heart is as soft as your breasts you'll forgive me".

The lady said, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room number 304".

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says,"I need you to come over and help me with this jigsaw puzzle..."

Her boyfriend asks,"What's it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says"According to the picture on the box it's supposed to be a rooster."So her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. When she lets him in she takes him to the table where she has all the pieces sprea...

I know men over mansplain things some times...

But why do women keep ovaryacting to it?

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A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

Boy: ‟Dark in here.”
Man: ‟Yes it’s.”
Boy: ‟I have a baseball.”
Man: ‟That's nice.”
Boy: ‟Want to buy it?”
Man: ‟No, thanks.”
Boy: ‟That's my dad outside.”
Man: ‟How much did you say the baseball was again?”
Boy: ‟$250.”

In the next few weeks, it hap...

If I had a dollar for every time someone over 50 told me my generation sucks...

I could afford a house in the economy they've ruined!

Every morning when I leave the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.

It's a vicious cycle.

I've just fallen over on the pavement.

I've left a review on Trip Advisor.

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A blonde lady was driving along the highway when a blonde police officer pulled her over for speeding

Officer, "May I see your licence?
Lady, "What does it look like?"
Officer, "Its a rectangular thing with a photo of you on it."
The lady looks through her bag and pulls out her compact mirror and hands it to the officer.
The officer opens it up and says, "If you had told me you were a po...

I have a phobia of over-engineered buildings.

It's a complex complex complex.

So, A man is pulled over......

A man stops on a traffic signal and is waiting.Suddenly the police asks him to pull over.He pulls over the car and and the police sees that the man is wearing his seatbelt and looks fine.

The police is satisfied and pleased to see a good samaritan.He hands the man $100 and says:

Police...

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A woman driving along at speed passed over a bridge, only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic, patronising smirk and asked: "What's your hurry?"

She replied; "I'm late for work!"

"Oh yeah?", Said the cop, "what do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded
The cop stammered, "a-what...?"

"A ...

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An Englishman, an American and a Japanese guy are on a boat, moments away from plunging over a waterfall to their doom...

Suddenly a genie appears. The genie explains that he is of limited power. He cannot prevent their inevitable deaths, but he can grant each man one wish before he dies.

The American steps up first. 'I love my country. Before I die I want to sing my national anthem one last time. The full versi...

Jack, a renown atheist, dies and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself. Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith". Satan laughs and replies: Awh it's not so bad.

He then proceeds to escort Jack through a beautiful lush green plain with flowers, scattered here and there there's a bunch of houses where other "damned" live. As they pass through each house the inhabitants recognize Satan and invite them inside for a drink and a chat, a request that's always gran...

Four guys have been going on the same golfing trip to St Andrews for many years.. Two days before the group is to leave, John's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. John's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find John sitting at the bar with four drinks set up! "Wow, John, how long you been here, and how did you talk your Missus into letting you go?" "Well, I've been here since last night... Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and ...

I got pulled over and my vape was in my cup holder.

The cop said “you know, the news says those things are killing people.”

I chuckled and said “they’re saying the same thing about you guys.”

He didn’t laugh.

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a rum and coke, but the bartender hands him an apple.

"What the hell is this? I ordered a rum and coke," the guy protests.

"Just take a bite of the apple," says the bartender. So, the guy bites the apple, and his eyes light up.

"Hey this apple tastes just like rum! What did you soak it in it?"

The bartender tells him, "Turn it arou...

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If a bra is an over-the-shoulder-Boulder-holder, what do you call a jock strap?

An under-the-butt-nut-hut!

Every day as i walk to the bus stop I speak with a 93 year old man with alzheimers who sits on his rocking chair looking over his yard with a concerned expression.

He musters his strength and calls out to me "hey.. have y-you seen m-my wife?" And every day i have to tell him "I'm so sorry.. your wife has passed away 10 years ago". Ive considered not telling him but my mornings always feel better after I see the look of sheer joy on his face.

I feel bad for my buddy over in Spain.

I asked him, "Has December been a good week for you so far?"


He said it was actually a mes.

I spent over 3 hours making a belt out of herbs, but in hindsight...

it's just a waist of thyme.

A mom walks in on her 4 year old son who had just dumped a box of animal crackers all over the kitchen table

“What are you doing?” she asks

“The box says don’t eat if seal is broken. I was looking for the seal!”

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A man gets pulled over at a DUI checkpoint...

A man is driving home from a party with his wife and son. They get pulled over at a DUI checkpoint and the policeman gives the man the breathalizer test. The machine beeps and the policeman asks the man to step out of the car.

‟Bullshit!”, he exclaims in response. ‟I haven’t had a single dro...

A 7-year-old is sitting on a park bench eating a chocolate bar. The man sitting next to him looks over and says, "Eating that many chocolate bars is bad for you."

The boy looks over and responds, "My great grandfather lived to be one hundred and five".

The man replies, "And he ate that much chocolate?"

"No" says the boy, "But he minded his own fckng business."

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.

She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, a...

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I haven't had sex since 1956

A woman asked an Army General when the last time he had made love to a woman. The general replied "1956, ma'am." The woman, in disbelief said "1956?! That long? Come with me and let me make your night better." The woman and general went back to her apartment and made passionate love for over an hour...

A woman and her husband were arguing over the current precipitation...

The woman insisted it was drizzling outside while her husband said that really, it was just misting.


They decided that the argument would be settled by asking their elderly former soviet neighbor Rudolf.


Rudolf grimaced at the sky for a moment and held up a hand to catch so...

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

A few days after the election the president-elect calls her father and says,

'So, Daddy, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?'

'I don't think so. It's a 16 hour driv...

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A cop pulls over an old lady for speeding on a highway. He asks for her driver’s license and registration.

When she opens her wallet, he notices a conceal-carry permit.

He asks, “Ma’am, do you have a weapon in your possession at this time?”

She responds that she has a .38 Special in her purse. And a .45 in her glove box. And a 9mm Glock in the center console. And a shotgun in the trunk.
...

A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.

A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.

He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.

"Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the sale...

A balding white haired man walks into a jewelry store with a beautiful much younger gal at his side...

He
told hte jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought
anoth...

I got pulled over a while back.

The officer asked “any drugs or alcohol tonight?” I’m not sure what reply he was looking for but it sure wasn’t “no thanks, I’m already wasted.”

After a wild night of drinking, a guy gets pulled over.

Cop: “Where you headed, sir?”

Guy: *shrugs* “Jail.”

Scotsman on holiday: what's yon beast over there?

Canadian: That's a moose!

Scotsman: Och, If that's a moose, how big are your cats?

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff.

He thinks he's smarter being a big shot lawyer from New York and has a better education than an sheriff from Rhode Island. The sheriff asks for license and registration. The lawyer asks, "What for?" The sheriff responds, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." The lawyer says, "I slow...

A cop pulls over an old lady for speeding on a highway. He asks for her driver's license and registration.

When she opens her wallet, he notices a conceal-carry permit.

He asks, “Ma’am, do you have a weapon in your possession at this time?”

She responds "I'll bet you $100 you can't guess the answer to that question" as she slaps a crisp bill on her dashboard.

The cop rubs his chin an...

The average American has gotten stronger over time

In 1990 it took two adults to carry $10 worth of groceries. Now a 5-year-old can do it.

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Just sneezed all over my toast

I can’t believe it snot butter.

I bought a world map for my wife, and gave her a dart. I said, "Where ever this lands, that's where I am taking you after this pandemic is over."

Turns out we are spending two weeks behind the fridge.

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The farmer

A farmer walks upstairs to his bedroom with a chicken under his arm and stands before his wife.

“This is the pig I’ve been fucking”

His wife rolls over and sees the farmer.

“You idiot that’s a chicken”

“SHUT THE FUCK UP IM TALKIN TO THE CHICKEN”

One day Canada will take over the world

Then you'll all be sorry

What’s black and white and read all over?

An artic fox on black tar heroine

A Sensitive Guy (NSFW-ish)

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.


They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the ...

So I got pulled over...

I was driving home from the bar and of course Sirens were wailing and showing red and blue.

I pulled over and the officer showed up to my window and shined a light in my eyes.

“Sir you have been swerving and your eyes are red have you been drinking”

“Well, your eyes are glazed h...

A South African policeman pulls over another South African for speeding and driving wrecklessly

The policeman asks the driver to pull down his window.

The driver complies and large puff of weed escapes the car.

The officer shakes his head and asks:
“sir, how high are you?”

The driver immediately responds:
“ no sir, it’s hi, how are you”

and drives off

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Sexting over walkie talkies

“Hell yeah baby bend over.”

“Bend what? Over.”

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A lad was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.

She was thrilled at the speed. "If I do 180mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked. "Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 180, she peeled off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thro...

What do you see when the Pillsbury Doughboy bends over?

Doughnuts!! I’ll see myself out.

I told a joke over my zoom meeting

It wasn’t even remotely funny

Sean Connerys wife was killed last year after his book case tipped over on her. In an interview, an extremely guilt ridden Sean Connery said:

I only have my shelf to blame.

A blonde in a powder blue Mercedes convertible is pulled over for speeding.

"Okay" says the cop, "let's see some ID."

The blonde looks at him in bafflement. "ID? Like, what do you mean?" and he sighs: "Lady, it'll be in your purse, it's rectangular, and it has your picture on it."

So she digs through her purse, finds her compact, flips it open, the little ligh...

my friend invited me over one day at his house....

he told me to get comfy and feel like its my home, so i threw him out, i dont like having visitors.

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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the l...

An abbot takes over a monastery, and just as he’s settling in, one of the monks comes to his door and says “Father, I am going into town – could I borrow twenty dollars for a legover?”.

Being something of an innocent, the abbot hands over twenty dollars with a faintly puzzled expression, but doesn’t ask.

Next morning another monk comes to the abbot’s door and again says “Father, I am going into town – could I borrow twenty dollars for a legover?”.

Still the abbot asks...

I pushed a fan over

It blew up

My wife holds grudges over the smallest things. She asked me to pass her the lip balm, and by mistake, I gave her a tube of Super Glue.

Even after a few weeks, she's still not speaking to me

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Superman was flying over metropolis and thought "Man, I am horny af."

Just then he saw Wonder Woman on top of a building getting a tan. Asshole naked with her legs spread wide open. Superman thought, " I can fly down there, get some of that Wonder pussy and fly away before she even knows." So he flies down, gets it in, gets off, and flies away. All in under a second. ...

Two Australians were sitting around talking over a beer..

After a while the first Australian says to the second, “If I was to sneak over to your house and make love to your wife while you was off fishing, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?"

The second Australian crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head...

Why was the knight so upset over losing his headgear?

Twas a great helm...

A joke my 9 yr old told at a BBQ we had over the weekend. He brought down the house.

Why do squirrels swim on their backs?

To keep their nuts dry!

Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years. Each and every morning of those 15 years, Bob has woken up, farted loudly and proudly, rolled over onto his back and got out of bed to go to work...

And each and every morning for those 15 years, Martha has said to him disgustedly, "One of these days, you're gonna fart your guts out!"

But this has had no effect on Bob as he has continued merrily with his routine each morning.

Martha is totally fed up with this and then one Thanksgi...

Last pull-over

A new Mercedes owner was out on an interstate for a nice eveningdrive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what wasleft of his hair and he decided to open her up.
As the needle jumped up to 80mph he suddenly saw a flashing red andblue light behind him. "There ain't no way they can ca...

My last girlfriend said i was ‘overly mysterious’

or did she?

Did you hear about the cow that gambled over weed?

It was a high steaks game.

A guy gets pulled over by police, “Step out of the car” says the cop, “I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test.”

“I can’t”, the guy says “I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack.”

“Alright,” says the cop, “then you’re going to have to take a blood test.”

“Can’t do that either,” Jim replies, “I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won’t stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death.”...

I ran over a fat girl today

She asked me why I didn’t go around her.

I said I didn’t think I’d have enough gas.

A woman has a car crash and afterwards is screaming "Where's my baby?" A policeman says to her, "Your baby's over there".

"And over there. And up there. And back there."

A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.

“Thank you honey,” she says, “Is there anything I can bring back for you?”
He laughs, and says, “An Italian girl!”
When the conference is over, he meets her up at the airport and asks, “How was the trip?”
“Very good,” she replies.
“And what happened to my present?”
“Which present?” sh...

r/jokes has over 19 million subscribers!

It’s amazing what 7 jokes can do.

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I was just having a quiet pint by myself in a half empty pub, when some guy comes over.

"Would you mind moving, that's my seat."

Seeing as though I'd been there an hour, and there was plenty of other empty seats, I politely refused.

He started getting quite aggressive at that point, saying "I've never seen you in here before, I've sat in that seat every Saturday night for...

America won the war against COVID the same way they won the war against Vietnam

It got too expensive and they just declared it was over.

I once stayed over at a hotel. The place is nice, but the room I stayed in is just terrible.

.....You could say that room was not their strongest suite.

A recent poll found that just over 40% of Americans consider themselves political pundits.

This is interesting, because the same poll found that just under 15% of Americans know what the word pundit means.

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What did one rose bush say to another when it rolled over in its bed?

*I'm thorny*

A mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl as a roommate.

During his meal, his mother couldn't help but notice
how pretty his roommate was. She had long been
suspicious of a relationship between the two and this
had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening while watching the
two interact, she started to wonder if there's mo...

An elderly gentleman was on his deathbed as his wife and three children and nurse stood close by

Then he spoke:“Bill, you take the Beverly Hills houses.“Mary, you take the offices in the Center Center.“Debra, the apartments over the L.A. Plaza are yours.“To my dear wife, take all the residential buildings near downtown.”
The nurse was really impressed. She said, “Your husband must have been ...

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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich...

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says… “Hang on! You're a duck!”

"I see your eyes are working.” replies the duck.

"And you can talk!!” exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too.” says the duck. "Now if...

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A schoolyard bully is picking on a nerd and says, "Hey, loser, see that guy over there? He told me your mother fucked a donkey, and you're the result!"

The nerd gets upset and says, "Ignore him! Hee-haw, hee-haw, hehaways says that."

2020 is nearly over.

So either it gets even harder and defeats us. Or we make it through to next year. Either way, 2021.

After the chess tournament in Australia was over, the champion still walked away empty-handed.

When the judges went to hand him the prize, they said "Here's your check, mate."

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A man walks into a bar, and orders a beer. He drinks the beer, then stands on the bar, drops his pants and pisses all over the place. The bar tender freaks out. "You dirty disgusting pig! How dare you come into my bar and urinate! I'll beat the shit out of you..."

The man begins crying. "I'm sorry! Its ruining my life. I can't sleep. I do it every time I have a drink! It's worrying me to death, please don't hit me..." The bar tender takes pity. "Look, I have a brother who is a psychiatrist, here's his card, why don't you see him?" The man hugs the bartender, ...

My teacher said when covid is over she is burning all her masks in her house I told her

Mask genocide is illegal

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A state trooper is sitting at the end of a tunnel and pulls over a motorist for speeding.

“License and registration” the officer says.

“No problem” replies the motorist.

“What are you doing out so late sir?” the officer asks.

“Just had a late night at work” he replies.

“Really? What do you do for work?” the officer says.

“Well...I’m an asshole stretche...

Twin sisters in a Newfoundland nursing home were turning 100 years old. The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take pictures of the 100 year old twins.

One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well.

Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.

The deaf sister said to her twin "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!" said the other.

"Now get a little closer to...

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A woman was pulled over for speeding. This is what happened:

Woman: Is there a problem Officer.

Officer: ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it four times for drunk driving.

Offic...

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Three friends were bragging about who has the most sex. The first guy starts, “Y'all ain't got nothing on me! I can go to any bar and bring home a new woman every night! Not only that, but I drive a corvette and have an 8 inch penis! I've slept with more than 1,000 women!”

Second guy fires back, “Oh yeah? Well I’m a top gynecologist at the highest rated hospital in the world. I make $800,000 a year, have patients and nurses who have sex with me every hour I’m at work. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis and I've slept with well over 5,000 women.”

La...

A man is sitting in a restaurant. He calls the waiter over.

Man: Waiter, my soup is cold.

Waiter: It’s gazpacho.

Man: Gazpacho, my soup is cold.

What happens when you park your car 6.28 feet over the lines?

It gets tau'd.

How did Vikings communicate over telegraph?

Norse Code

As a Canadian, sometimes I worry my country will get taken over by the US

If it did, I'd be in a sorry state.

She leaned over and said, "I love your dad bod."

I shrugged and replied, "yeah, it's growing on me."

My grandfather destroyed over 30 German planes in WW2...

He was easily the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

Did you hear the joke about the guy that got run over by a train because he wasn't paying attention?

Yeah, I guess he didn't either

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An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.

He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
...

NNN is almost over....

A teenager, a carpenter and Julius Caesar walk into a bar. He came, he saw, he conquered.

A 70-year-old woman chose to remain overnight in a costly hotel as a treat for her birthday.

The following morning, she was appalled when the desk clerk gave her a bill for $250.00. She requested to know why the charge was too high.

"It's a nice hotel, but the rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast," she told the clerk.

...

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I’ve had sex over 10000000 times

Wait let me check that. I’m 110101 years old and there are 1100 months in a year.

Yeah, it’s gotta be at least that many times.

You shouldn’t take a lawyer’s advice over emails

Because that would be...





E-legal.

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I like driving over dunes while getting a blowjob from my girlfriend

I’m really head over hills in love with her

A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.

“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.

Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license. Now today you want me to show it to you!”

So a politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

‟So, you’re a politician...”
‟Well, yes, is that a problem?”
‟Oh no, no problem. But we have recently adopted a new system for people in your line of wo...

Mildred was a 93-year-old woman, particularly despondent over the death of her husband, Earl

She decided she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital ...

Werner Heisenberg is pulled over for speeding

The police officer says "Do you know how fast you were going?"

Heisenberg replies "No, but I know where I am."

Warning: Over 18 only!

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Three men were about to be executed by the firing squad.

The first man was brought forward and before they could shoot him he yelled "avalanche"! The firing squad panicked and in the confusion, the man jumped over the wall and into freedom before the firing squad could regroup.

The second man thought what the first man did was clever and when he wa...

I've felt so lonely over the past week now.

I haven't been getting any political mail and now I don't feel appreciated.

I'm surprised the tower of Pisa hasn't fallen over during the pandemic

Without all those tourists helping hold it up.

Thinking about how much weight I've put on over the pandemic, I can't help wishing that I stayed in Britain…

I'd eat pizza every day and I'd just keep losing pounds.

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A blonde orders a beer

A blonde orders a beer.

The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar. It hits the blonde woman's boobs and splashes all over them.

The bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the beer off her boobs.

Each time the blonde calls for another beer this happens. So ...

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My Grandfather brought down over 30 Nazi aircraft during World War Two.

And to this day, he's known as the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

I used to fly a hang glider over my hot neighbor's pool.

My dad caught me and told me, "Son. You're grounded."

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Bowser, get over here!

A young man is at his girlfriend's house for the first time to meet her parents. He's sitting down at a table with her mother and they chit chat for a little, and suddenly the young man realizes that he really needs to fart. He thinks that he could just squeak it out real quiet and nobody will notic...

Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?

A naked woman jumps into a taxi. The taxi driver stares at her, looking her over from top to bottom. The woman is offended and asks the taxi driver "What's the matter? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

The taxi driver responds: "Oh, it's not the fact that you're naked that bothe...

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The Blue Whale ejaculates over 40 gallons of sperm when mating.

The Blue Whale ejaculates over 40 gallons of sperm when mating. Only 10% enters the female.
And you always wondered why the sea tasted salty?

I ran over a girl last night

Worst blind date ever

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I finally got over my fear of masturbation.

It felt great.

Trump ends up in hell...

Trump dies from the virus. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as...

A biologist, a physicist, and a chemist go to the beach.

A biologist, a physicist, and a chemist go to the beach for the first time.


The biologist is amazed at the birds, the seaweed, the fish. He goes into the water for a closer look. Pretty soon the water is over his head. He drowns.


The physicist is mesmerized by the waves. T...

Trump is flying over New York..

Trump is flying over New York.

He looks out of the window and says to his family, "You know what, I'm gonna throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy!"

His son looks at him and says, "Dad, why don't you throw two hundred $5 bills out of the window? Then you...

I went into a pet shop and asked for twelve bees. The shopkeeper counted out thirteen and handed them over.

“You’ve given me one too many.”

“That one is a freebie.

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What do you call Neil DeGrasse Tyson pouring champagne over his own bare chest?

An astro-fizzy-tits

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A Soviet officer and an American officer are talking over coffee at the end of World War II...

A Soviet officer and an American officer are talking over coffee at the end of World War II to celebrate their collaboration in the defeat of the Nazis. They start to banter and brag with each other.

The American says to the Soviet, “you know, in my country we have total freedom, I could stan...

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After driving for 10 hours, a truck driver get pulled over by a police officer

PO: Do you know why you got pulled over?

TD: No not really.

PO: Come on out I’ll show you.

The truck driver get out of his truck and the police officer pointed to the brokers taillight

TD: Oh fuck boss is going to kill me!

PO: Its fine, it’s only a small fine.
<...

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Attractive women sits in a dark bar when the waiter beings over a drink and motions that its from the gentleman in the corner

The women looks at the man and asks the waiter for a pen and paper. She writes something and sends a note back to the gentleman that had sent the drink.

The gentleman opens the note and it reads:

For me to be able to accept this drink and come and enjoy it with you there are a few th...

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My next door neighbour knocked my door last night, wearing lingerie and stockings. Asked to borrow a cup of sugar and if I wanted to come over for a night cap

I said, 'Fuck off Dave, I've got work in the bloody morning' .

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Me: What's it called when a steak is over cooked?

Dad: Well done, son

Me: I finally got you to say it, you son of a bitch

During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants"?

‟Over there by mine”, wasn‘t the answer I was expecting.

Old lady gets into a Merzedes-Benz taxi cab

As she hops in, the driver asks her where she's going. She gives him an adress, as she's just arrived to town to visit family.

They keep going for a bit, when the old lady notices the very characteristic Mercedes-Benz ornament emblem mounted on the hood.

"So what is that thing for?" s...

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So I was walking through a busy street with a ‘lady of the night’, when she tripped and fell over.

I shouted ‘Hey everyone, It’s a Hoe Down!’. A man produced a fiddle, and everyone broke into dance as you would expect in this kind of crappy joke.

Found this one in my 2014 meme stash

A police officer pulled over a car on a deserted highway and told the driver, "Congratulations! You're the first person here today who was wearing a seat belt and now you're entitled to a prize of 1000$. What are you gonna do with your money?"

"Well", replied the man, "I think I'm gonna get a...

My friend is losing his mind over missing a piece of his 5000 piece puzzle

If he thinks thats bad, I'm missing 4999 pieces

What table falls over the most?

An uns table.

Sorry.

Bill Gates is pulled over by a police officer one night after his car is seen swerving on the highway

The police officer asks, "Have you had anything to drink tonight, sir?"

Bill says, "Absolutely not, officer."

The cop says, "Can you please count backwards from 10 for me?"

• ⁠


Bill replies, "10, 8, 7, Vista, XP, ME, 2000, NT, 98, 95, 3, 2, 1."

Why dont you ever see beggers over 65?

Because old people hate change

Many of my friends worry about little piles of rocks they have stashed all over the planet, but not me...

...I don't have a cairn in the world.

The election is finally over!

Let “Bye, Dons” be “Bye, Dons”!!!

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My friend came over to visit the other day.

He saw my German Shepherd in the corner licking his balls and said "boy...I sure wish I could do that."

I said "well you should probably pet him first, he can be pretty mean."

A baby is born with no arms or legs and no torso. In fact he is just a head. But his parents loved and adored him and cared for him all through his childhood..

When he turned 18 his dad took him down to the local pub for his first pint of beer. He took his first sip and “whoosh” his torso appeared. He took a second sip and his arms and legs appeared.

He was so excited he stood up and ran outside into the road where he was knocked over by an...

Heisenberg is pulled over by a Highway Patrolman

"Mister, do you know how fast you were going?" asks the cop.

"No," replies Heisenberg.

"I clocked you at 87 miles per hour!" the cop exclaims.

Heisenberg sighs. "Great, now I don't know where I am..."

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A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder...

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me".
...

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?" ...

If you think over thinking is good...

think again

Two Canadians Die and End Up In Hell

Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hel...

I have a fear of overly intricate buildings.

I have a complex complex complex.

A state trooper pulled over a guy for going too slow on the freeway and having too many flags on His car.... As soon as the officer walked to the car the questioning begun:

Who are You? What is Your name? Do you speak english? You look illegal to Me are You legal? Where did You come from?........

Ok first of all My name is officer Gonzales and I am supposed to be doing the questions.

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