A guy with a “Baby on Board” sticker just backed out of a parking spot and directly hit my car.

This guy has serious issues with pulling out.

A pun walks into a bar, ten people die on the spot.

Pun in, ten dead.

I opened an Indian restaurant called the ghee spot

It's hard to find

What garment are you most likely to spot a house in?

Address

How do you spot a blind man at a nude beach?

It's not hard.

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A hunter is in the jungle looking for a prey when he spots a majestic tiger...

Thinking that he has hit the jackpot, he shoots the tiger but the bullet misses it by an inch. The hunter gets really nervous and pleads the tiger not to kill him.

The tiger says,"I won't kill you but only on one condition. You have to let me fuck you". Seeing no other option the hunter says...

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Spot

A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents of the young woman he'd been seeing for some time. He was quite nervous about the meeting, though, and by the time he arrived punctually at the doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress.


The problem develope...

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A woman spots an attractive man in a bar.

"Hi", she says. "My name is Carmen"
"Well, that's a beautiful name" he replied, "Is it a family name?"
"No," she said. "I gave it to myself as it reflects the things I like most - cars and men"
"What's your name?" she asked.
"BJ Titsbeerngolf" he replied.

If you found the best hiding spot.

You haven't found the best hiding spot!

After years of complaining from my wife, I finally found the G-spot.

Turns out her sister had it all along...

What does Area 51 and a g-spot have in common?

All these guys talking about what they’re going to do to it, but they can’t even find it.

Men are like parking spots.

The good ones are taken and the only ones left are handicapped.

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The Queen of England is taking a tour of an American hospital when she spots a patient furiously masturbating through an open door.

Her Majesty: "What's going on here? This is absolutely appalling."

Nurse: "Actually, Your Highness, it's for medicinal purposes. This patient has a very serious condition, and if he doesn't orgasm at least once every eight hours, his testicles will swell and cause fatal clotting."

Her ...

There's this guy who's been staying in one spot at the park for days without sitting or laying. People are calling him super amazing. I personally just think..

he's out standing.

Q: What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?

A: A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

Billy Bob and Bubba are walking down a trail when they spot a human head under a bush...

"Lookit that, Bubba!" Billy Bob says. "Ain't that cousin Jeff?"

Bubba picks up the head, raises it to his eyes, squints, then shakes his head.

"Naw," he says. "Jeff was taller."

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A pastor is traveling home when he spots a man selling food.

"Dam fish! Get your dam fish here!" Yells the man. The man explains to the pastor that he caught these fish at the local dam, which is why they're named dam fish. The pastor buys one and takes it home to his wife.

When he gets home, he tells his wife to make dinner. "Cook the dam fish!" His ...

A guy visits a carnival and amongst the merry-go-rounds, vendors and performers he spots a man with a tiny pony.

He walks up to the man and asks: "What's with the pony?"

"For a dollar the pony can do pretty much any trick you ask of it" the man replies.

"That's cool" the guy says and proceeds to take out his wallet, retrieve a dollar bill and puts it in the jar next to the pony.

He extends...

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A lion is taking a peaceful drink out of a jungle stream, when a gorilla spots him through the trees

The gorilla sneaks up behind the lion, grabs his hindquarters, and screws him up the butt


The lion roars out and the gorilla takes off through the trees. The gorilla manages to stretch out his lead a bit, when he comes on a camp. The gorilla decides to disguise himself as a human on saf...

Yesterday I spotted an albino Dalmation.

It was the least I could have done for him.

If something is meant to stay in one spot but it keeps rolling around...

It’s pretty pointless.

A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot.

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."

He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."

She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats al...

What's an Elephat's favorite vacation spot?

Tuskany

A good fishing spot is worth a lot on the market

It's prime reel estate

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An officer spots an old woman with 2 large bags...

One of the bags rip and 1 dollar bills slowly fall out. The officer asks, “ma’am, did you steal those?” The old lady responds. She tells the officer, “No, I live next to a golf course. The golfers found a hole in my fence, so they pee through the hole, killing my flowers. So one day, while one of th...

Seeking inspiration, a screenwriter goes to the holy place of Golgotha in Jerusalem, believed to be the site of Jesus's crucifixion. Finding a quiet spot, he begins to write. Unfortunately, a group of thieves sneak up behind him, knock him out, and steal his laptop.

Another victim of a cross site scripting attack.

How would you spot a linux user?

Don't worry they will tell you themselves!

So my brother's girlfriend was recently diagnosed with cancer, and when she told him, he proposed to her on the spot!

So see ladies, we guys can be spontaneous and romantic. We just don't like long term commitments.

How do you spot the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?

The most notable difference is whether you see them later or in a while.

How do you spot a blind guy at a nude beach?

He has the white cane with the red end you unfunny, reposting, karma whoring chumps.

Today I spotted an albino dalmatian.

Now everyone will be able to tell it's a dalmatian.

As a blind man it's hard to make up jokes on the spot because I can't forsee a punchline.

See what I did there?

Because I didn't.

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What do you call the person who sleeps on the wet spot after sex?

Overcome

A blonde was going ice fishing. When she drilled the first hole she heard a voice “there’s no fish under the ice!” So she stood up and found a new spot. As she drilled the second hole she heard the voice again “there’s no fish under the ice!!” So the blonde responded with a shiver “god is that you?”

“No mam I’m the janitor of this ice rink”

A man goes to the Super Bowl but his tickets are for the upper tier. He spots an open seat on the 50-yard line and grabs it.

The guy sitting next to him says, “Actually, this seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven’t been together since we got married in 1967.”

“I’m sorry to hear that,” says the first man. “Couldn’t you find a friend or rel...

An alien civilization has spotted us.

Now they live in constant fear.

Batman always had a soft spot for Mr. Freeze.

He always thought he looked cool.

A woman is walking on the mountains when she sees a huge flock of sheep, lots of sheep are grazing in a very green meadow. She spots the shepherd near them so she goes to talk to him out of curiosity.

The shepherd notices her approaching him and greets her.

“Oh, good morning young lady, maybe I can help you with something?”

“Yes, hi! I was walking on that path over there and I saw this enormous flock and I had to come and know more about them!”

“Sure thing. What is it that yo...

A man is walking down a beach when he spots a bottle with a cork in it.

He opens the bottle and out comes a genie. The genie is grateful to be out of the bottle and offers the man three wishes to be granted.

The man first wishes for a billion dollars in an offshore Swiss bank account. There's a flash of light and in his hand is a receipt for a billion dollars in...

The Dominican Republic is such a great vacation spot

People are dying to see it.

I only love children who give me a soft spot

But they never remember me

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Wanna know how to immediately spot a virgin?

Go to an NSFW subreddit comment section.

A guy is walking along a road when he spots a frog looking up at him.

The frog hops towards him quickly and calls out, "Hey! Help me! I've been turned into a frog by a cruel witch! If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess!!"

The guy is shocked at first but then smiles, picks the frog up, puts it in his bag, and keeps on walking.

After a f...

An amputee got to a particularly tough spot in his recovery...

I guess you could say he got stumped.

Three blondes are walking through a forest when they spot tracks on the ground

The first blonde says: "Look, those are deer tracks."
The second blonde looks at them and says: "No, you're wrong, those tracks obviously belong to wolves."
The third blonde thinks for a minute and says: "You're both wrong, these are hog tracks, I'm sure."
They were still arguing when...

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A priest and a rabbi are strolling down the city together one evening when they spot a little boy wandering down an alley...

The priest says “Let’s fuck him!” The rabbi says, “Out of what?”

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I recently read in the news that bad drivers were going to get on the spot $100 fines

That's a bit sexist, isn't it?

Why couldn't the dentists family find the spot where he was buried?

Because there was no plaque on it.

Cop pulls up next to two teens in a dark parking spot.

He is surprised to find they are sitting there, literally just reading.

"Why are you reading? How old are you?"

"I'm 19 officer."

"And her?"

"Oh, she'll be 18 in 20 minutes."

How to spot an introvert in a crowd

Please don't

An American Battleship spots a Chinese canoe

“What are you doing,” the Americans said.

“We are going to raid America,” the four Chinese men responded.

All of the Americans laughed at them.

Then the Chinese said, “The other 4 million are already there.”

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I went to my doctor to have him look at some strange spots on my arse. I pulled my pants down, he took a look and responded..

Weird flecks; butt ok.

There's something mysterious about the G spot.

I just can't put my finger on it.

As a handicapped person, I’ll always defend my parking spot

The time I’ve let other people run over me is past

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Every day after dessert, Marvin and Ethel meet in their spot at the back of the nursing home and they start to kiss.

Progressively, their kissing gets more and more intense. And since Marvin is a very desirable man among the other elderly ladies, Ethel has to make their sessions interesting so he doesn’t leave her. So, every day Ethel will slide her hand down Marvin’s torso and grab his penis and she will leave he...

G Spot

A friend of mine opened a strip club called “The G-Spot”
It closed after a week as most men couldn’t find it!

Cop spots a guy driving past with a South American plate. He's eating some kind of Mexican food and has no clothes on! He pulls him over and asks, "Where are you from? What are you eating? Aren't you cold?"

"Chilly", he replies.

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There used to be an amazing Indian restaurant that cooked everything in clarified butter. It was called "The Ghee Spot".

Went out of business because no one could find it...

A horse in in a pub having a few beers when he spots a donkey in the corner, so he goes over for a chat....

The donkey asks “What do you do for a living?”

The horse says “I run on the flats in the summer and do the jumps in the winter.”

And the donkey says “I work with the kids on the beach.” He then ask the horse “Did you win anything?”

The horse replies “Yes, on the flats I won the...

Dating in your 30s is like looking for a parking spot...

The good ones are all taken. The rest are either handicapped or too far away.

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A Japanese tour bus drove off a cliff, and landed in a popular fishing spot

A rescue team was sent in. But all they could find were crushed Asians

I bought my wife a gift for Christmas and hid it in the perfect spot, a place she would never look.

I put it in her lingerie drawer.

How can you spot the losers in a social media War?

They're the ones yelling, "Retweet! Retweet!!"

Two doctors are playing a game of spot diagnosis

They see a man and bet each other 10 pounds if they can guess his diagnosis correctly.

The first doctor says i bet he's got a slipped disc as he's shaking and obviously nervous,

The other doctor says it must be haemorrhoids as he's sweating and uncomfortable

The two doctors go u...

I got the best parking spot today, right in front of the bank. I couldn't believe my luck

I don't actually need to go to the bank, but the opportunity was to good to give up.

My wife asked me if I knew how to spot a fake beach

Faux shore

Security guard goes outside a side door for a cigarette and spots a sandwich on the ground with wires sticking out

He radios his boss "Hey Jim, there's a sandwich outside the door here with wires sticking out of it"

His boss replies "Is it ticking?"

"No, it's turkey and ham."

What's better than being able to use disabled parking spots?

Legs

A physicist , engineer and a statistician are on a hunting trip through the woods when they spot a deer.

The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 10 feet to the left.

The engineer says, "You forgot about air resistance. Give it here." He calculates wind speed and direction on his notepad, missing the d...

What is the best hiding spot on internet?

The second page of google search results.

Two cowboys are riding out when the spot an Indian laying down with his ear to the ground.

Approaching him, one Cowboy says “Look here. These Indians can track wagons from miles away. You there, what can you tell about the closest wagon train?”

The Indian says “Large Conestoga wagon, father, mother, three daughters, headed due west at around ten miles per hour”.

“Wow!” Excla...

What’s the most popular first date spot in Alabama?

Olive Garden: when you’re here, you’re family.

Do you ever look at the way someone has parked in a disabled spot and think...

Yep.

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My cat had the audacity to pee in the same spot I did.

Motherfucker, I bought 2 litter boxes for a reason.

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How do you spot a unicorn turd?

One piece of corn

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A cop notices a young fit man pull into a handicap parking spot and approaches him as he is getting out of the car.

“Excuse me sir, what exactly is your disability?”

The man replied, “Tourette’s. Now fuck off asshole.”

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A man was walking through a cemetery early one day and spots another man crouching behind a gravestone.

“Morning”, he calls.

“No, mate,” replies the crouching man. “Just having a shit”

What do physicists say when they spot a dreamy new wave function?

Psi.

[NSFW] How can you spot someone who’s suffering from ED on a nude beach?

It isn’t hard.....

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An American, a Frenchman, and A Japanese man are shipwrecked but spot a

While clinging to floating debris and paddling towards shore they discuss what they will do to survive.

The American dude has experience with carpentry, so they decide he will build them s shelter. The French gentleman is a pretty good cook, so they plan on him keeping them well fed. Eventual...

Why did the watermelon have brown spots all over its skin?

It had melonoma

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A man is having dinner with his girlfriend's family for the first time...

As they're eating, a little squeeker escapes him before he realizes that he's got to fart.

"Spot!!" yells the mother

Relieved, the man thinks "I just farted and they thought it was the dog under the table! Thank goodness"

After a few more minutes the man realizes that he's got t...

A Blonde was driving down an old country road when she spots another Blonde...

... in a wheat field rowing a boat. She pulls over to the side of the road and stops the car. Staring in disbelief she stands at the side of the road to watch the girl for a while.

When she could not stand it any more she called out to the Blonde in the field. "Why are you rowing a boat in th...

A guy is driving along when he spots a gypsies caravan on the side of the road with a sign saying, "readings $10 per person".

He pulls over thinking this could be a laugh, and enters the caravan.

The gypsy immediately grabs his hands, looks at them for a couple of seconds and looks up into the guys eyes.

She says, "Thriller, pretty woman, when doves cry ,stairway to heaven."

"wow", said the guy, "tho...

My Indian GF said I could give her a facial...

I nearly came on the spot!

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Heaven was running out of spots for new souls

So St. Peter was instructed by God to only let in people, who, apart from having lived honorable lives, had also suffered a terribly traumatic last moment, and needed consolation for that.

The next day, St. Peter went to his place at the front gates of Heaven, and three men were there, waitin...

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A man is ordering a drink at a bar when he spots the hottest barmaid he's ever seen.

"You are absolutely gorgeous" he says

"I'll give you £1000 if you let me bite your nipples!"

"What the hell" she thinks, and leads the man to a store room round the back.

She whips out her breasts and the man plunges his head straight into them.

Ten minutes pass and the b...

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