This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Queen of England is taking a tour of an American hospital when she spots a patient furiously masturbating through an open door.

Her Majesty: "What's going on here? This is absolutely appalling."

Nurse: "Actually, Your Highness, it's for medicinal purposes. This patient has a very serious condition, and if he doesn't orgasm at least once every eight hours, his testicles will swell and cause fatal clotting."

Her ...

A guy with a “Baby on Board” sticker just backed out of a parking spot and directly hit my car.

This guy has serious issues with pulling out.

A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot.

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."

He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."

She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats al...

Today I spotted an albino dalmatian.

Now everyone will be able to tell it's a dalmatian.

After years of complaining from my wife, I finally found the G-spot.

Turns out her sister had it all along...

How do you spot a blind guy at a nude beach?

He has the white cane with the red end you unfunny, reposting, karma whoring chumps.

Batman always had a soft spot for Mr. Freeze.

He always thought he looked cool.

A woman is walking on the mountains when she sees a huge flock of sheep, lots of sheep are grazing in a very green meadow. She spots the shepherd near them so she goes to talk to him out of curiosity.

The shepherd notices her approaching him and greets her.

“Oh, good morning young lady, maybe I can help you with something?”

“Yes, hi! I was walking on that path over there and I saw this enormous flock and I had to come and know more about them!”

“Sure thing. What is it that yo...

How can you spot the blind man at a nudist wedding?

It isn't hard.

I only love children who give me a soft spot

But they never remember me

So my brother's girlfriend was recently diagnosed with cancer, and when she told him, he proposed to her on the spot!

So see ladies, we guys can be spontaneous and romantic. We just don't like long term commitments.

A blonde was going ice fishing. When she drilled the first hole she heard a voice “there’s no fish under the ice!” So she stood up and found a new spot. As she drilled the second hole she heard the voice again “there’s no fish under the ice!!” So the blonde responded with a shiver “god is that you?”

“No mam I’m the janitor of this ice rink”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call the person who sleeps on the wet spot after sex?

Overcome

Wanna know how to immediately spot a virgin?

Go to an NSFW subreddit comment section.

A man goes to the Super Bowl but his tickets are for the upper tier. He spots an open seat on the 50-yard line and grabs it.

The guy sitting next to him says, “Actually, this seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven’t been together since we got married in 1967.”

“I’m sorry to hear that,” says the first man. “Couldn’t you find a friend or rel...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I recently read in the news that bad drivers were going to get on the spot $100 fines

That's a bit sexist, isn't it?

Why couldn't the dentists family find the spot where he was buried?

Because there was no plaque on it.

A guy is walking along a road when he spots a frog looking up at him.

The frog hops towards him quickly and calls out, "Hey! Help me! I've been turned into a frog by a cruel witch! If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess!!"

The guy is shocked at first but then smiles, picks the frog up, puts it in his bag, and keeps on walking.

After a f...

An amputee got to a particularly tough spot in his recovery...

I guess you could say he got stumped.

What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?

A man will actually search for the golf ball.

A man is walking down a beach when he spots a bottle with a cork in it.

He opens the bottle and out comes a genie. The genie is grateful to be out of the bottle and offers the man three wishes to be granted.

The man first wishes for a billion dollars in an offshore Swiss bank account. There's a flash of light and in his hand is a receipt for a billion dollars in...

Hey want to finally learn what the G spot is?

It's where all the gamers hang out. You didn't get invited.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A priest and a rabbi are strolling down the city together one evening when they spot a little boy wandering down an alley...

The priest says “Let’s fuck him!” The rabbi says, “Out of what?”

There's something mysterious about the G spot.

I just can't put my finger on it.

Three blondes are walking through a forest when they spot tracks on the ground

The first blonde says: "Look, those are deer tracks."
The second blonde looks at them and says: "No, you're wrong, those tracks obviously belong to wolves."
The third blonde thinks for a minute and says: "You're both wrong, these are hog tracks, I'm sure."
They were still arguing when...

As a handicapped person, I’ll always defend my parking spot

The time I’ve let other people run over me is past

Cop spots a guy driving past with a South American plate. He's eating some kind of Mexican food and has no clothes on! He pulls him over and asks, "Where are you from? What are you eating? Aren't you cold?"

"Chilly", he replies.

How to spot an introvert in a crowd

Please don't

An American Battleship spots a Chinese canoe

“What are you doing,” the Americans said.

“We are going to raid America,” the four Chinese men responded.

All of the Americans laughed at them.

Then the Chinese said, “The other 4 million are already there.”

G Spot

A friend of mine opened a strip club called “The G-Spot”
It closed after a week as most men couldn’t find it!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Every day after dessert, Marvin and Ethel meet in their spot at the back of the nursing home and they start to kiss.

Progressively, their kissing gets more and more intense. And since Marvin is a very desirable man among the other elderly ladies, Ethel has to make their sessions interesting so he doesn’t leave her. So, every day Ethel will slide her hand down Marvin’s torso and grab his penis and she will leave he...

Cop pulls up next to two teens in a dark parking spot.

He is surprised to find they are sitting there, literally just reading.

"Why are you reading? How old are you?"

"I'm 19 officer."

"And her?"

"Oh, she'll be 18 in 20 minutes."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I went to my doctor to have him look at some strange spots on my arse. I pulled my pants down, he took a look and responded..

Weird flecks; butt ok.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There used to be an amazing Indian restaurant that cooked everything in clarified butter. It was called "The Ghee Spot".

Went out of business because no one could find it...

My wife asked me if I knew how to spot a fake beach

Faux shore

How can you spot the losers in a social media War?

They're the ones yelling, "Retweet! Retweet!!"

A horse in in a pub having a few beers when he spots a donkey in the corner, so he goes over for a chat....

The donkey asks “What do you do for a living?”

The horse says “I run on the flats in the summer and do the jumps in the winter.”

And the donkey says “I work with the kids on the beach.” He then ask the horse “Did you win anything?”

The horse replies “Yes, on the flats I won the...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Japanese tour bus drove off a cliff, and landed in a popular fishing spot

A rescue team was sent in. But all they could find were crushed Asians

I bought my wife a gift for Christmas and hid it in the perfect spot, a place she would never look.

I put it in her lingerie drawer.

Dating in your 30s is like looking for a parking spot...

The good ones are all taken. The rest are either handicapped or too far away.

I got the best parking spot today, right in front of the bank. I couldn't believe my luck

I don't actually need to go to the bank, but the opportunity was to good to give up.

Security guard goes outside a side door for a cigarette and spots a sandwich on the ground with wires sticking out

He radios his boss "Hey Jim, there's a sandwich outside the door here with wires sticking out of it"

His boss replies "Is it ticking?"

"No, it's turkey and ham."

MY KEYBOARD HAS A SENSITIVE SPOT. WHEN I TOUCH IT, IT GOES

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

A physicist , engineer and a statistician are on a hunting trip through the woods when they spot a deer.

The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 10 feet to the left.

The engineer says, "You forgot about air resistance. Give it here." He calculates wind speed and direction on his notepad, missing the d...

What is the best hiding spot on internet?

The second page of google search results.

What's better than being able to use disabled parking spots?

Legs

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My cat had the audacity to pee in the same spot I did.

Motherfucker, I bought 2 litter boxes for a reason.

Do you ever look at the way someone has parked in a disabled spot and think...

Yep.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man was walking through a cemetery early one day and spots another man crouching behind a gravestone.

“Morning”, he calls.

“No, mate,” replies the crouching man. “Just having a shit”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A cop notices a young fit man pull into a handicap parking spot and approaches him as he is getting out of the car.

“Excuse me sir, what exactly is your disability?”

The man replied, “Tourette’s. Now fuck off asshole.”

What’s the most popular first date spot in Alabama?

Olive Garden: when you’re here, you’re family.

Why did the watermelon have brown spots all over its skin?

It had melonoma

Two cowboys are riding out when the spot an Indian laying down with his ear to the ground.

Approaching him, one Cowboy says “Look here. These Indians can track wagons from miles away. You there, what can you tell about the closest wagon train?”

The Indian says “Large Conestoga wagon, father, mother, three daughters, headed due west at around ten miles per hour”.

“Wow!” Excla...

[NSFW] How can you spot someone who’s suffering from ED on a nude beach?

It isn’t hard.....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An American, a Frenchman, and A Japanese man are shipwrecked but spot a

While clinging to floating debris and paddling towards shore they discuss what they will do to survive.

The American dude has experience with carpentry, so they decide he will build them s shelter. The French gentleman is a pretty good cook, so they plan on him keeping them well fed. Eventual...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How do you spot a unicorn turd?

One piece of corn

A Blonde was driving down an old country road when she spots another Blonde...

... in a wheat field rowing a boat. She pulls over to the side of the road and stops the car. Staring in disbelief she stands at the side of the road to watch the girl for a while.

When she could not stand it any more she called out to the Blonde in the field. "Why are you rowing a boat in th...

My favourite joke: Now Hiring

A dog sees a "Now hiring" poster outside of a computer store. The poster reads:

"Must be able to type. Must be able to program. And must be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer."

​

The dog takes the poster in his mouth, and walks in. The manager spots the d...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is having dinner with his girlfriend's family for the first time...

As they're eating, a little squeeker escapes him before he realizes that he's got to fart.

"Spot!!" yells the mother

Relieved, the man thinks "I just farted and they thought it was the dog under the table! Thank goodness"

After a few more minutes the man realizes that he's got t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man at a bar spots two beautiful woman at a table nearby.

He turns to the bartender and says "I would like to buy those women a drink."

The bartender looks over and, recognizing the women, replies "I don't know, they might not be interested."

But the man is persistent, and the bartender shrugs and delivers the drinks. After a minute of nothin...

How to Spot a Thot

A group of three girls were chatting when a young man approached them and said "I bet I can tell which one of you three is the thot of the group." Shocked, insulted, and overwhelmingly curious, the girls asked how he could tell. "It's easy," he laughed and turned to the first girl, "Girl #1, how man...

Which side of a cheetah has the most spots?

The outside.

I’m a Latino nurse and while I was doing my rounds, one of the surgeons burst out of the operating room and told me to help finish the operation. I cut the patient’s organ on the wrong spot but luckily I miscalculated and saved their life. No one thought I could do it and I shocked them all.

Nobody expected the Spanish missed incision.

How can you spot a Norwegian extrovert?

They will look at your shoes instead of their own.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is ordering a drink at a bar when he spots the hottest barmaid he's ever seen.

"You are absolutely gorgeous" he says

"I'll give you £1000 if you let me bite your nipples!"

"What the hell" she thinks, and leads the man to a store room round the back.

She whips out her breasts and the man plunges his head straight into them.

Ten minutes pass and the b...

How can you spot Ronald McDonald on a nude beach?

He has sesame seeds on his buns.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Heaven was running out of spots for new souls

So St. Peter was instructed by God to only let in people, who, apart from having lived honorable lives, had also suffered a terribly traumatic last moment, and needed consolation for that.

The next day, St. Peter went to his place at the front gates of Heaven, and three men were there, waitin...

My Indian GF said I could give her a facial...

I nearly came on the spot!

A guy is driving along when he spots a gypsies caravan on the side of the road with a sign saying, "readings $10 per person".

He pulls over thinking this could be a laugh, and enters the caravan.

The gypsy immediately grabs his hands, looks at them for a couple of seconds and looks up into the guys eyes.

She says, "Thriller, pretty woman, when doves cry ,stairway to heaven."

"wow", said the guy, "tho...

I once called the cops on an asshat who parked in a handicap spot...

They came to check it out, found he had priors and warrants. They took him off to jail right after they figured out what to do with his wheelchair.

How do you spot a revolutionary pigeon?

They're the ones walking around shouting "Coup! Coup!"

Fixed to the spot, the squirrel realised ...

he'd buried the wrong nuts.

Donald Trump is giving a speech, and his bodyguard spots somebody about to shoot the president...

The bodyguard leaps up and shouts "MICKEY MOUSE"

Confused, the shooter stops and asks, "why did you shout Mickey mouse?"

The bodyguard replies "oh sorry, i meant to say DONALD, DUCK!"

I once took this one girl to my favorite spot up in the hill

I once took this one girl to my favorite spot up in the hill, long story short, we start to make out, we are taking off cloth after cloth, when suddenly I hear some strange noise. Well basically she mistook my "wand" with hand brake, so it's needless to say that all went down hill from there.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A rabbit spots a fox rolling a blunt

The rabbit dashes to him and shout : " Don't smoke weed man, just go for a run with me!"

And so they went for a run.

After a running for a bit they spot a squirrel ready to snort up a big fat line of coke.

The rabbit again dashes to him and shouts : "Mate, don't do it! just go f...

A cop pulled a guy over for speeding after waiting in the same spot for hours..

“I’be been waiting for you all day” the cop said as he approached the vehicle.

The guy replied, “yeah, well I got here as fast as I could”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[nsfw] You missed a spot

One morning, a couple woke up horny so they decided to 69. The husband forgot he had a dentist appointment, so he ran to brush his teeth and use mouth wash. He felt super fresh and confident as he sat down in the exam chair. As the dentist leans in to do his work, he shoots back and asks the patien...

What's the difference between a Catholic priest and spots?

Spots don't usually come on your face until you're around 13

A philosopher, a biologist, a mathematician and a YouTube celebrity spot a cow in a field whilst on their first trip to Scotland.

Upon discerning the brown colour of the cow’, the philosopher exclaimed ‘Aha! My fellows, you see what knowledge we have garnered? I can hereby assert: cows in Scotland are brown!’

The biologist replied acerbically, ‘Not so fast, my dear friend. It is safe only to assert thus: there are cows ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I met this beautiful girl in the park yesterday. Sparks flew and she fell at my feet. We ended up having sex right there on the spot.

God, I love my new taser!

A man is walking on the beach when he spots a golden bottle.

He walks over to the bottle and opens it to see if anything is inside. Out of nowhere a genie comes out. The genie says “I will grant you any three wishes but whatever you wish for, I will grant your worst enemy double. The man agrees to the genie’s terms and asks for his first wish. “I want a lot o...