I went to Walmart today , and I was there for literally 5 minutes. When I came out there was a state trooper writing a parking ticket for being in a handicap spot.

So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked cop. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires!

So I then asked him if his psychiatrist makes him lie face...

I made this up on the spot and I'm really proud of it.

This isn't the best joke, but I'm really proud of how it came out. My sister and I are both in town visiting our parents for the first time in years. I keep dropping bad puns and my sister keeps yelling at me.

Tonight, we were telling stories from our youth, and I told her this one. She was r...

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me?

I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You m...

I was reversing my car in the garage and asked my son to spot me, and let me know when I hit the wall.

I heard a bang.
"3:45 PM", he said.

Dating a girl with an OnlyFans is a lot like having your own private, reserved parking spot.

Anyone and everyone can see it, but only you actually get to use it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three English men were in a bar and spotted an Irish man. One of the guys said he was going to bug him.

He walked over to the Irish man and tapped him on the shoulder. "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a real tosser.”

“Oh really, hmm, didn't know that.”

Puzzled, the English man walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a tosser and he didn't care!"

"You just don't ...

John decides to take a different route to office and on the way spots an old guy sitting next to an open pothole shouting loudly at it. As he approaches the old guy he realises the old guy is shouting the words 'TWENTY SEVEN' at the open pothole, almost as if expecting someone to respond from below

He drives past him, goes to office but then while he's returning he sees the old man again, still shouting. Taking pity, he parks his car, goes up to the old guy, and sits next to him, 'Hey buddy... You okay?'
The old man says nothing, just points at the pothole and whimpers.. 'Twenty... Seven'. ...

How do you spot a blind man at a nudist beach?

It’s not hard.

How much did it cost the Miami Heat to lose their spot in the 2021 NBA playoffs?

10-15 Bucks.

Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid...

If they had used a "G", nobody would ever have found their treasure.

I found the wife's G spot.

Her sister has it.

An employee at an American weapons manufacturer spots a bear in a conference room...

"Is this a set-up for a Second Amendment joke?"

Another employee : "What? No. That's our new yoga instructor."

How do you spot the drunk driver in Pittsburgh?

They’re the only ones not swerving to avoid the pot holes.

What do you call it when you poke someone’s head on the exact spot that causes their head to explode?

Acupuncture

Made up on the spot, and told to me by my 13yo son just now: What's a dog's favorite type of meat?

Wag-yu.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blonde woman is driving through the countryside when she spots another blonde woman sitting in a canoe in the middle of a field, trying to row through the grass.

Feeling very angry she pulls over her car, stomps over to the fence, and calls out to the woman in the canoe. “It’s women like you who make blondes look stupid. If I could swim I’d come out there and kick your ass!”

Two men are lost in the desert when they spot a tree covered in bacon.

One of the men exclaims "a bacon tree! we're saved". However as he rushes over to it he dies in a hail of bullets. It turns out that it wasn't a bacon tree, it was a ham bush.

Made this one up on the spot at the jewelry store

The jeweler: "Do any of these pieces scream 'take me home' to you?"

Me: if they were screaming, I wouldn't *want* to take them home.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."

He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."

She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats al...

Yesterday I spotted an albino dalmatian

It was the least I could do for him

A man spots an empty beach as he frantically searches for a place to land his plane.

He's run out fuel but he is a skilled enough pilot to guide his aircraft down and gracefully crash into the sand. He comes in at a small angle and exits his vehicle without a scratch on him.

"Damn it, what could have gone wrong?" He ponders for a short while before he starts assessing the da...

Is it hard to spot a leopard?

No. They come that way.



\- Courtesy of my eight year old, about ten seconds ago.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if hes been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "Hes on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if hed like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is driving home when he spots the most stunningly beautiful redhead trying to hitchhike. He stops next to her, but just as he does an old man jumps out of the bushes and points a shotgun at him...

He points both barrels at the man and yells "Start jerking off!"

"W-WHAT?!" Yells the man

"Start jerking off or I'm taking your head clean off your shoulders!"

The man desperately unzips his pants and begins to masturbate, after a solid hour he pleads for the man to let him go...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party.

They were ready to leave when the wife came down with a headache. She told her husband to go to the party, no need to miss it because of her headache. So the husband left for the party.

About an hour later his wife's headache went away and she felt better. She put on her costume and went to ...

The other day I was travelling down one of those spiral type car parks. As I set off, on the top floor, I spotted someone smashing a car window and attempting to steal the radio. On the 2nd floor I saw a youth key right down the side of another car.

On the bottom floor, I saw a couple throw a load of rubbish out of their car window....I couldn't believe my eyes.


It was just wrong on so many levels!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man is heading home from a big night in the town. As he walks through a seedier part of the city, he spots a lady of the night who is the most beautiful woman he has ever set his eyes upon.

A young man is heading home from a big night in the town.


As he walks through a seedier part of the city, he spots a lady of the night who is the most beautiful woman he has ever set his eyes upon.


He wanders over to her and quietly asks, "How much?"


The sex wo...

The CEO of a hardware company calls in his top ad man and tells him, "We need a new TV spot for our B&Q Nails line."

A week later, the ad man comes back with a videotape and pops it into the VCR in the CEO's office. The commercial starts and the CEO sees Jesus being nailed to the cross while a voice over says, "B&Q nails: they get the job done." The CEO is irritated and says, "That is completely unacceptable! ...

At last.......I have managed to find my wife's 'G' spot....

....who would have thought her sister had it the whole time

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop. After looking around, he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs.

The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."

"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me!"

"I understood every word," says the pa...

Air Force One crashed on a farm in Nebraska

Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the disaster was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm.

The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but did...

The Devil sat at the gates of hell... (Story Joke)

An old man suddenly arrived in a burst of flames, looking confused and lost. The Devil looked at his paperwork, and frowned. He was unable to find this old man’s data file.

“This can’t be right,” the old man grumbled, looking at the Devil, “I’ve been a good man my whole life.”

The Dev...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

While in China, an American man is sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days ...

I spotted my ex at the bar next door

It was ex-siting

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Gary and Pete, 2 alcoholics, were lost at sea.

While floating in their small boat, they spotted a bottle on the water.
Gary quickly grabbed the bottle and took out the cork.
To his shock, a genie flew out.
"You have freed me. You may have a wish."
Gary thought hard and pointed at the sea.
"Turn all this water into Guiness."
...

Matthew McConaughey was spotted during the Capital Hill protests

When asked to comment what he saw he simply said,

“Alt Right, Alt Right, Alt Right”

BREAKING NEWS: Missing Child Spotted With Pied Piper Of Hamelin

More to follow

Do you know how to spot clickbait?

Obviously not

The Man Who Knows Everyone

Dave was bragging to his boss one day. "You know," he said, "I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No drama, boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A girlfriend and boyfriend whale spot a whaling vessel.

The male whale recognised the vessel as the vessel that killed his father, he mentions this to his girlfriend. He says to his girlfriend will you help me take revenge on the whaling vessel. She is more than happy to help out her boyfriend.

The boyfriend’s plan is to swim up under the vessel a...

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in.

“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog.

“I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.”

The guy is flabbergasted. He as...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three couples go on a camping trip.

On their last day, the men decide they want to go explore a cave, while the women choose to hang out at the campsite.

After a while of exploring the cave, it forked into 3 different paths. The men agree to all follow one path and meet up in an hour to tell the others what they had found.
<...

What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?

A man will actually search for a golf ball.

A little girl goes to the pet store

She ask the owner of the store if he has any bunnies.

“Well sure sweetie!” He says and takes her to where the bunnies are, “I have a few different bunnies I have this white one with floppy ears, or this fluffy little brown one, or I even have this cute one with black spots! What kind of bunny...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Eve the beautiful fairy had the power to bring life to the world with her poop.

She had been wandering the forest near the king's palace for a good spot to take a nice dump, and she found one in a nice shapely pile of leaves. Once finished, she noticed the dead flowers around her bloom as if it were spring. Unbeknowst to our favourite fairy Eve, the poop itself came to life in ...

I'm starting up a local coffee shop and marketing it as an Ashley Madison meetup spot.

I'm calling it Grounds for Divorce.

I was driving to work yesterday, when I spotted Usain Bolt on the sidewalk. I rolled the window down and offered him a lift.

He said 'No thanks, I'm in a rush.'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Colonel Reichman, an interrogation specialist for the German army, was walking around in a quaint little Swiss village one day during WWII. He spots a little shop selling clocks and watches and decides to enter.

Inside, the owner, a lady standing behind the counter, immediately recognizes who he is and welcomes him into the shop, asking how she can be of assistance.

"Frauline,” he starts "Deez are all very nice little clocks and vatches you have in here, but ze von I am interested in is zat big grand...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was walkin along a path and spots a thing on the ground

He leans down and says,
"Hmm... It looks like poop".

He then feels it and says,
"it sure feels like poop"

He then smells it and says,
"fuck that shit smells like poop"

He then tastes it and says,
"I'll be dammed that thing is poop, thank god I didn't step in it"
<...

A waitress spots a dejected looking man staring at the menu...

Concerned, she approaches and asks if she can help.

Man: I'd like to order my late wife's usual meal but I can't remember it...

Waitress: I'm so sorry! Could you describe it to me? I'm sure we can figure out what her favorite was.

Man: No, it's fine. I'll just text her, she shou...

A local copper was walking through his quiet English village when he spots a red Ferrari coming through just a little bit too fast. He steps out into the road, stops the car, and walks up to the driver's window.

"Going a bit fast there, don't you think?"

"This road is the b35 so I was going 35mph." Replies the driver.

The copper shakes his head at the driver's stupidity. "That's not how it works, son. It's tight bends and small single lanes for miles around here, 30mph maximum." The copper the...

A man goed bear hunting for the first time in a long while...

Hiding in the woods he spots a bear through the scope of his hunting rifle. He aims... shoots... and hits the bear!

Excited to hit the bear in one shot he grabs his gear and runs over to where te bear was hit. But to his disappointed, the bear is not there and not a single trace of blood can ...

An ax murder is on a date with a girl, and he suggests a short cut through the woods to a special spot...

As they walk the sun starts to set.
The girl asks, “Are we almost there it’s getting dark?”
The ax murderer says they’re close and it’s just a little further up.

They keep walking and get deeper and deeper into the woods.
All of a sudden there is a howl in the distance!
The girl s...

I came out of the closet to my boss and was fired on the spot

He’s still asking how I got in his closet

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Billy spots a pack of condoms

Billy is out shopping with his father at the supermarket when Billy sees a condom stand, each displaying server packages of condoms. He points to a three pack and asks " what is this for?" "That's for when you're in high school" explains his father. "You use one on Friday night and two on Saturday n...

Scientists have opened a dimensional rift in one of New York's most popular tourist spots.

They're now calling it Times Squared.

How do you spot a leopard?

You don’t, they come that way

I was going down on my girlfriend

She kept trying to guide me to the right spot.

"A little to the left, no, right a bit, go down, up a little.."

I stopped what I was doing and said, "Just tell me what you want, I'm tired of eating around the bush!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man had painful spots on his penis.

He went to the doctor to get treatment.

The doctor said,"I have bad news. The treatment costs $10,000. I will need to cut off your penis."

The man was shocked at the news. It was too expensive and he didn't want his penis cut off, so he went to China to seek treatment.

Once h...

A girl was throwing stones in her backyard one day

She threw one a little too hard and it came back and hit her in the eye. She ran inside yelling and crying and her parents drove her to the hospital

The doctor tells the family that her eye is going to have to be removed and she’ll need a prosthetic. The family doesn’t have a lot of money and...

Moses, Jesus and the Old Man

One day, Moses, Jesus and a old man were playing golf. They got to a water hole, and Moses was up to tee off first. So, he took his shot, and it landed squarely in the water. But Moses parted the water, took another shot, and landed next to the cup.
Jesus was up next, and his shot ended up ...

Jack, a renown atheist, dies and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself. Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith". Satan laughs and replies: Awh it's not so bad.

He then proceeds to escort Jack through a beautiful lush green plain with flowers, scattered here and there there's a bunch of houses where other "damned" live. As they pass through each house the inhabitants recognize Satan and invite them inside for a drink and a chat, a request that's always gran...

Two political rivals are out hunting

For publicity...
One of them falls out of his spot high in a tree.
The other one calls 911 and says “I think my friend, my dear old friend has died!”
The operator then says “you need to check to make sure he’s...”

He interrupts and responds “okay hold on.....<bang!>”

Oka...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A brave and fearsome pirate sailed toward a small island, in search for buried treasure.

He and his crew raced ahead in their rowboat, eagerly awaiting a massive payday. When they shortly came upon a large forest, they searched desperately for the last clue on the map.

As the first mate guided them carefully up to a clearing, he stopped suddenly and pointed at a crouched figure ...

The Oblivious Miner

A miner moves out to Colorado. Having spent a few years in California, he has a pretty good idea of the sort of lifestyle miner's live; up from dusk 'til dawn in the mines, and then from dawn 'til dusk drinking, playing card games and occasionally have some great night with them lady(or ladies).
...

Why did Waldo always wear stripes?

He hated being spotted.

While fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat.

He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft.

Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted:

“Are there any gators around here?!”

“No,” the man hollered back, “they ain’t been around for years!”

Feeling safe,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A horse has been stolen from old farmer Sven, so Sherlock Holmes was called to the scene to investigate the crime.

The horse was black with white big spots on it according to farmer Sven. Holmes searched for clues together with his trustworthy friend and assistant, Dr. Watson, and found a vague trail of horse cloves and a persons shoes going away towards a strangers stable.

Holmes knocks on the door to t...

A man walks into a bar

A man walked into a bar with his dog and ordered a few drinks. At the end of the night, when he got the tab, he was astounded at the $50 check. He calls the bar tender over hoping to strike a deal. “Bartender, I only have 20 bucks I can’t pay for this drink. Let’s make a deal, if my dog can talk the...

The Two Drunkards

Two drunkards are from their usual drinking spree on their way home when they spot a mango fruit up the tree, they start tossing stones at the fruit to fell it, after what seems like a life time missing the target, one says to the other, ''Maybe it is not even ripe, let me scale up the tree and take...

An English farmer was walking through his field

He spotted a intruder crouched down by his pond. As he approached he realised the man was drinking pond water, cupping his hands.

"Oy ye dinnae wanna drink from there. It be full of hoss an' muck!" shouted the farmer.

The man looked up, startled. "Pardon monsieur but i am french. I am ...

Panda's Day Out

A panda walks into high-end restaurant and sits down at a table. A waiter quickly asks for the order and brings it to him after thirty minutes.

After the delicious meal, the panda asks for the bill. As soon as the waiter brings it, the panda whips out a pistol and shoots him. The waiter dies ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Gorilla Hunting *long*

A very rich man decides that he is going to take a trip to Africa to hunt the legendary Great White Gorilla. But as he has no hunting experience, he places an ad to hire a hunting guide. Days go by and no one answers his ad. The man is scheduled to leave for his trip in 2 days and still not a single...

A man wants to go ice fishing.

He goes onto the ice, drills a hole, and puts out his line.
Suddenly he hears a loud voice from above, saying ‘THERE ARE NO FISH THERE.’
He gets up, a little confused, and moves to another spot on the ice, drilling another hole and throwing his line out again.
Once again, he hears: ‘THER...

A homeless man was urinating beside a car

A man was urinating beside a car, when a foreigner spots him

He comes up to him and confronts the homeless man in broken English

Foreigner: "Wouldn't the police hold you?"



Homeless man: "No, we have to hold it ourself"

Three blondes were walking through a forest when they spotted tracks on the ground.

The first blonde said, "Look, these are deer tracks."

The second blonde looked at them and said, "No you're wrong, these tracks obviously belong to wolves."

The third blonde thought for a minute and said, "You're both wrong, these are wild boar tracks, I'm sure."

They were still...

How do you spot a cultured Redditor?

They grow blue cheese.

An elephant and an ant got into an argument.

The elephant lost his temper decided he was going to squash the ant.

The ant exclaimed, "ONLY IF YOU CAN CATCH ME!!!!" and ran off.

Elephants is chasing the ant, and as ant rounds a corner, he sees a rabbit.

"Yo, rabbit! Can I hide out in your fur? This elephant wants to kill m...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cop spots an old lady carrying two big sacks.

One of the the sacks is leaking $20 bills, so the cop asks her where she got all that money.

She said "There's a golf course behind my house, and when men have to pee they stick their penises though a hole in my fence and do their business all over my flowers."

"So what did you do?" as...

A woman goes out shopping with her husband

A woman goes out shopping with her husband and spots a pair of boot she loves.
The husband says "No chance love, they're way too expensive."
Later on in bed, the wife is just falling asleep when the husband tries his luck and places his hand on her hip and then lower to her thigh.
She turns...

Two people are walking across a field when one of then spots a hole in the ground.

P1: Look out for that hole!

P2: what hoooooooooooooooooo...

A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.

A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.

He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.

"Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the sale...

Diesel Job (Fixed formatting issues)

My uncle Fred went to a job interview for a diesel fitter. He was asked about his previous experience and he said he stitched clothing for 20 years. The interviewer was not impressed as he did not believe the job skills would be transferable. Since the company continued to advertise for a diese...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old woman accidentally drops her fake teeth at the park while walking her dog.

She can’t find the teeth anywhere in the tall grass. A man spots her bending over and asks what she lost. “I dropped my false teeth somewhere around here.”

“Oh,” the man says, “that’s no big deal. Here, try this pair on.”

He hands her a set of teeth that are too big for her mouth. He h...

I started shaving my beard recently

I've finally started growing facial hair, so I shaved for the first time this morning. I'd say I did a pretty good job, but I think I missed some spots when I was drying off. I'm still a little wet behind the ears.

This is a joke from a dream last night, apperantly my brain conjured it up on the spot... let's see how well it works

John, a young farmer, was engaged and would soon be wed to a young woman from a nearby town. One day, his soon-to-be father-in-law stopped by for a chat.

“John,” he said, “I have a secret. I am actually a powerful genie! And since you seem like a nice young man, I will grant you three wishes ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 men in a desert...

3 men had been crawling through the dry hot desert for 14 days and nights.
They were buggered, had enough.
One of them spotted a tree in the distance. Upon getting closer there was a house.
They jumped up and ran over.
It was the first civilisation they had seen for weeks.
And wh...

A circus ringleader and his wife were living with their main act, an alcoholic chimpanzee

The chimpanzee would always do the same thing every day: find the liquor cabinet, drink a few bottles, screech and destroy things for a few hours, and then pass out in a random spot for the rest of the day.

The wife could not stand the chimp, but the ringmaster did not have enough money to f...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grandma told me this joke.

An older gentlemen with some money in his pocket was heading down an old country dirt road with peddlers and wares dealers every few miles.

He runs across a man with several of the biggest roosters he's ever seen, at a price even better. He has to have one, so he says "Sir! Sir! I must have o...

Why can’t there be two wharfs in the same spot?

It would make a pair a’ docks.....needs some work

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I spotted my ex in a hotel I was staying in. We ended up fucking in the elevator.

It was wrong on so many levels.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[OC] An airline captain is holding interviews for a new copilot after the former one retired

He holds a series of back to back interviews, each one going seemingly better than the last. On the last scheduled interview for the day, a man walks in holding a human turd. He places the turd in the chair facing the captain. Seeing the captain's confused look, the man explains that the turd will b...

Today I spotted an albino dalmatian.

Just wanted to help him not feel so left out anymore.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There once was a fish

One day, a fish was swimming down a lake when he spotted a fly...
“Boy, I wish that fly would fly just a little lower so I could eat it” thought the fish.
Little did the fish know though, that there was a bear waiting nearby...
“Oh boy, if that fly would go just a little lower, the fish wou...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Celtic vs. Rangers

(Celtic and Rangers are rival Scottish football teams, the fans are *not* fond of each other.)

At the Celtic vs. Rangers match, Jimmy, a Celtic fan accidentally ends up with the Rangers fans.

To his bad luck, he is spotted just as Celtic score.
A huge, drunk and angry Scotsman walks...

An English man is making a map of Wales

He goes in to the first place he comes across. Walks in to the biggest building and asks the first person he can find, what's this place called? Cardiff the person says. The English man marks Cardiff on his map and carrys on. After a while he spots another settlement so again he walks in to the bigg...

If a parking spot says “Reserved”

can I park there if I don’t talk much?

After years of complaining from my wife, I finally found the G-spot.

Turns out her sister had it all along...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A female and a male whale were swimming through the ocean.

They spot a ship up ahead and the male whale turns to the female whale and
says: "Hey I have an idea... why don't you swim over, underneath the ship,
and blow air out your blow hole, knock the ship over and gobble up all the
sailors?" The female responds "Hey! I do not mind the blow j...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In business news, the makers of "Utterly Butterly" have been knocked off their top spot as the UK's leading brand of dairy spread.

I can't believe they're not bitter.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A police officer pulls over a car he spots swerving all over the road, and asks the driver to step out of the vehicle. A clearly inebriated man reeking of beer stumbles out of the car...

The officer tells the man that he pulled him over because of his erratic driving and strongly suspects that he is under the influence of alcohol.

"No way, offisher. I just came from work and I am \*hic\* good-to-go," the man slurs and stumbles a little.

"Well just to be safe, would you...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Queen of England is taking a tour of an American hospital when she spots a patient furiously masturbating through an open door.

Her Majesty: "What's going on here? This is absolutely appalling."

Nurse: "Actually, Your Highness, it's for medicinal purposes. This patient has a very serious condition, and if he doesn't orgasm at least once every eight hours, his testicles will swell and cause fatal clotting."

Her ...

A Democrat and a Republican are walking along the beach when they spot a bottle.

They picked it up and a genie popped out.

"I will grant you each one wish, whatever you desire", said the genie.

The Democrat said, "I would like for my fellow liberals and I to live the life and exist under the form of government we believe in!"
POOF! All the Democrats in America w...

Whats the difference between a quarter and the G spot?

My uncle never found a G spot behind my ear.

A wealthy old man spots an attractive lady at the grocery store and approaches her with an offer.

He says, "Ma'am, you are very beautiful, and I would love to give you $1,000."
The woman, surprised and flattered, says, "That's very kind of you, but what would I have to do?"
The old man says, "Just follow me home, take off all your clothes, pick the money up off the floor, and then you ca...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Commando was sent on a mission in occupied country

General gives him the details. ‘You will arrive at the spot at 5am, there will be a plane waiting for you. When you will be in the air, open the sealed letter with the details of the mission, it will be in the plane, along with the parachute. Once you will be above the drop zone, jump off the plane ...

A guy with a “Baby on Board” sticker just backed out of a parking spot and directly hit my car.

This guy has serious issues with pulling out.

My girlfriend broke up with me at our favorite date spot. I was so shocked and heartbroken I got up and immediately stormed out the door.

And that's how I fell off the Ferris wheel.

A ship sailing past a remote island spots a man who had been stranded there for several years.

The captain goes to shore and notices three huts.

“What’s the first hut for? “ He asks?

“That’s my house” says the castaway.

“ what’s the second hut for?”

“That’s my church.”

“And the third?”

“Oh, that? That’s the church I used to go to.”

A pastor is on a plane when the man next to him strikes up a conversation.

After some pleasantries, the pastor says, "I'm flying across the country raising money for my parish. I've been performing small miracles hoping people will donate money to me. You see, I ask the Lord to provide a person's favorite food on the spot. My best luck is with college grads who are nostalg...

My church’s music minister ALWAYS parks in the same parking spot...

(True story ^ )

One might say he’s a preacher of habit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two virgins get married

Two virgins get married and go on their honeymoon.



Unfortunately, neither of them knows what to do so they call the groom's mother for advice. The mother says that they should sit together on the bed, kiss and snuggle, and things should happen from there.

The newlyweds do that ...

A penguin is driving his car through Arizona

A vacationing penguin is driving his car through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk aro...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman is getting out of the shower when she hears a knock at the door

“It’s the blind man!”


She thinks to herself, oh he’s blind I don’t have to get dressed as he can’t see me


She goes to open the door and asks him what he wants


He smiles, walks in the house and says


“Lovely pair of tits you’re spotting there, where woul...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boy was having sex with a girl on a railway track.

The train driver spots them and starts hooting but they ignore it..
He applies brakes so hard and the train stops just a few yards away from the couple.

Driver jumps from the engine and walks to the boy who just finished and is standing up and zipping up his pants...

The driver sho...

An atheist comes into a mall

And there is no parking spot, so he says "God, if you give me parking spot, I will convert myself and become Christian".

Two minutes later he says "Nevermind I found one"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I remember the good ol' days when we would spot a bear in the woods, strip down to our underwear, spank it on the butt and then make a run for it.

Those were the days. I really do miss when I didn't have to type with my tongue as well.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.