Started a new job as a delivery driver today.

When i got to my first address there was a little sticky note left on the door saying "Dear Delivery Driver, we are out, please hide in garage".

That was eight hours ago and still nobody has found me.

What does a pizza delivery driver have in common with a gynecologist?

Both smell their work but neither get to eat it.

Can't catch a break as a delivery driver for an Indian restaurant...

I've been working naan stop.

I think it’s weird that we call childbirth “delivery”.

Shouldn’t it be called “takeout” instead?

My father in the delivery room: 1973

My younger brother was born a few hours prior to this so dad and his buddies are clamoring around the hospital drinking, celebrating and smoking cigars - in the hospital, it was 1973 after all

They manage to find their way to the nursery and look in at the babies cooing at them as each one is...

Timing and delivery is important for jokes.

Well, except for abortion jokes.

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I left a message for the delivery driver telling him I'd be back in fifteen minutes.

I pulled into the driveway two hours later and he came racing up to me.

"Where the fuck have you been? I was waiting all day."

"Now you know how we feel."

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My nephew told me when he grows up, he wants to be a pizza delivery guy, or a pool skimmer.

I need to tell my bro to do a better job at hiding his porn.

Amazon say drones will be making deliveries in ‘months’

So much for next day delivery

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While making a delivery to the proctologist’s office....

I was waiting for the doctor to sign for his package. When he finally came out of the back, he reached for his coat pocket for a pen, but instead pulled out a rectal thermometer. He just stared at it for a moment with a puzzled look on his face and said:

“Well....I guess some asshole has my ...

I'm a delivery person for Kohler. I often spend hours a day on doorsteps and in lobbies waiting for people to accept their deliveries.

Let that sink in.

I hate delivery jokes...

Because it takes me 5 working days to get them.

UPS delivery girl

About 15 minutes ago, a UPS delivery girl came up to the door, saying that my dad has a huge package.

I told my mom, and she's upset.

Why do doctors allow smart phones in the delivery room?

Push notifications.

When an Amazon employee is on maternity leave...

Are they out for delivery?

Deep in the back woods of Letcher County Kentucky, a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, 'Here, you hold this high so I can see what I am doing!'

Soon a baby boy was brought into the world. 'Whoa there', said the doctor, 'Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down, I think there's another...

Did you hear about the livestock delivery service?

They...

Sorry, I’ve butchered the delivery

At the start of the wedding party the organizer announced that they had ordered a whole pig, but something went wrong with the delivery and the pig would be late/not coming.

One guest said: "I hope this will be the last time in this relationship that someone says "what is taking that pig so long?""

The mailman told me he's off to Spain tomorrow...

So I asked him if he was going to Parcelona. He proceeded to ignore what I believe was my best joke. I probably didn't say it right. The key to a good mailman joke is the delivery.

I made up a joke about the birth of a child....

I'm working on the delivery!

A husband caught the flu and stayed home and was being taken care of by his wife. . .

Even though he was sick, it did his heart good to see how much his wife was devoted to him. Every time the mailman or a delivery man came up the walkway, she would run out and exclaim excitedly, “My husband’s home! My husband’s home!”

Postal service jokes don't need much setup

It's all in the delivery

Don’t know what was wrong with the delivery driver this morning.

He was all smiles until I signed his touch screen thing, then he got all shouty and mad.

I was so scared I dropped my sharpie and just closed the door.

My door to door fruit delivery business failed badly because of my poor people skills.

I was driving people bananas.

A man is on an elevator delivering jokes to children at a children's hospital when someone gets off at a floor and asks "Do you need to make a delivery on this floor?"

The man replies "no, this joke is next level"

What do you call an Indian food delivery service?

A Curryer

The other day I saw a Zomato delivery giving a lift to a random stranger

and my immediate thought was, "Oh, Zomato's venturing into human trafficking now?"

All about the delivery

'Why did the chicken cross the road...To get to the ugly persons house'

Person looks baffled whilst you have a giggle...

'You don't get it?! Never mind, anyway I've got another...knock knock'

Who's there?

Chicken...

A man is drowning out at sea

A boat comes and asks if he needs any help.

“No, no thank you. God will save me!” Is what the drowning man replies.

He continues to drown and struggle, with no sign of God.

Another boat comes along and asks if the man needs assistance.

“Of course not! God will save me...

What do a pizza delivery boy and a gynecologist see every day?

The yeasty crust.

Since a good joke is all about the delivery, I can tell you one about anything!

Except abortion

My rapper friend has started a really successful gardening tool delivery business.

He’s got hoes in different area codes.

What do abortions and Digiorno have in common?

They're not delivery, but they taste OK.

An oldie, but a goodie.

A husband and wife are in the delivery room, she is going into labor and in intensive pain.
The doctor tells the husband they have a new piece of tech that can share the labor pains with the Father.
The husband is skeptical, but decides to do this to help his wife. The device shares the pain...

A Chinese delivery guy has a regular customer that he thinks is gorgeous.

He sees her at least once a week, and after a long while he finally works up the nerve to ask her out on a date. She agrees, and a week later the two meet up for dinner. Everything goes well and they wind up back at her place. Soon, it starts getting hot and heavy as they kiss and remove their cloth...

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Gay men would make great Amazon Delivery guys...

They know how to handle large packages & have no problems delivering loads in the rear

An insanely jealous husband comes home in a rage to see his wife...

He was a large bulky man who could well tear into somebody. He barges into their 3 story apartment, slams the door, and yells at his wife, "Where is he, you cheat?"

She exclaims, "What are you talking about?" He screams, "I know you're cheating on me and when I find him, I'm going to kill him...

A mailman was trying to tell a joke while transporting a package

But he messed up the delivery

How did the lumberjack know his lumber delivery was incomplete?

He kept a log.

I have a delivery van set as my profile picture on dating websites.

I just want the ladies to know what they’re getting into.

I murdered the pizza delivery man for messing up my order and had to cover it up.

I ordered another pizza to calm my nerves and the second delivery man noticed the body, so I had to kill him too. Now I feel even more nervous so I ordered yet another pizza. I think it’s starting to become a domino effect.

Did you hear about the Obstetrician who became a stand up comedian?

Apparently it’s all about the delivery for some people...

I asked a girl to rate me out of 10 the other day

She said "you're an 8 on a scale of 10"

I still don't understand why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton

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I never tip the cute pizza delivery drivers and always complain that they're rude, even when they're nice...

That way, I know I'm fucking them.

If Hooters had a delivery option

Would it be called Knockers?

An Italian cuisine delivery guy crashed on a highway while delivering food...

He pasta way.

Someone stole £5000 worth of Red Bull from a local delivery truck.

How do these people sleep at night?

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A woman is in the delivery room giving birth

After pushing and screaming for what feels like an eternity, the baby is born, silent. The doctor pats the baby on the butt, but it still doesn't cry. He wraps the it in cloth and lays it in a bassinet, and gently pushes open its jaw, shining a light inside the baby's mouth. The mother is, understan...

What gyneacologists and pizza delivery guys have in common?

Both can sniff it,but cant taste it.

Why do catholic priests love Halloween?

Free delivery!

The tough CEO

A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!


The CEO ...

Are you my Dad?

A pregnant woman is about to give birth. The doctor has her on the delivery table, legs up in the stirrups. Suddenly, he sees the top of a head push through. Then the baby pops its head out and says to the doctor, “Are you my dad?”. The doctor says, “No, I am your doctor!”. With that, the baby p...

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I've decided to start a pie delivery service from my car.

Apple pie is $3.75 / slice, cherry is $4.25, and banana cream pie is $4.75. Those are the pie rates of the car-I-be-in.

---------

There, did I manage to ruin both jokes?

How is an ambulance like pizza delivery?

If they're late it ends up cold.
(Been at least a month since this one made the rounds).

My girlfriend told me she would love me to be a pizza delivery guy

I asked her why and she said she wants a guy that comes in 30 minutes instead of 5.

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To all the wonderful delivery men and woman doing their best to make sure we all get our gifts on time this year,

Get the hell off Reddit and deliver my gifts you lazy cunts. Is this a game to you?

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Indian man were waiting outside the delivery room.

The matron comes out and explains that the hospital has accidentally mixed up the babies.

The Scot goes straight in and picks up the brown baby.

The Indian says "Are you sure that's your baby?"

The Scot says "No, but there's no way I'm going to risk leaving here with an Englis...

Dad joke while in labor and delivery

Wife is getting induced so we are currently at the hospital and while talking to the nurse she asked how many kids she had. To which she replied 3 as any seasoned Dad would do I decided to introduce a joke that had me cracking up in my head so I turn and look and say 3 kids with a frown that’s an od...

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Mr. and Mrs White are in the delivery room of the hospital

waiting for the arrival of their newborn son. As the child emerges from the birth canal, a puzzled look comes over the doctor's face, as the child has jet black eyes, a flatter nose, and a few strands of black hair. He notices that Mr. and Mrs. White both have blue eyes and blonde hair. "This chi...

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I asked my son what he wanted to be when he grew up. He told me he either wants to be a pizza delivery guy or a pool cleaner.

Little bastard must have found my porn stash.

They say that jokes are all about the delivery

I think that is codswallop because no one finds FedEx or DHL funny.

What do you call a delivery girl who dated an FBI agent?

A Fed Ex

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How Canada was named

So it's the year of 1865, and The British Empire has just birthed a new nation. The birth was a regular vaginal birth, and to the relief of everyone, it was much less complicated then the one in 1776. Anyways, now it was time to give name for the new born nation. The British Empire tired from the la...

An angry baby was born in the delivery room.

He was fuming, looking around the room and angrily pointed at the first man he saw and asked, "Hey you, are you my father?!" The man responded, "No, I'm your doctor."


The angry baby then pointed at another man and asked, "Hey you, are you my father?!" The man responded, "No, I'm the nurse...

What did the doctor say when the pregnant woman gave birth to a frozen pizza?

It's not delivery, it's DiGiorno!

What happens when a hospital runs out of labor and delivery nurses?

They have a mid-wife crisis.

Stop dreaming about pizza delivery by drone.

It's a pie-in-the-sky idea.

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Apparently, there's a new sex position called, "delivery man"...

You stay in all day and no-one comes...

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A father asks his 13year-old son what does he want to be when he grows up.

His son says "A pizza delivery guy or a plumber."



The dad says "Stop watching so much porn, son."

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Oh, how nice (A joke from my 96 year old great-grandmother-in-law)

Two women are in the hospital. Their labor has started, but not progressed enough for delivery, so they are in a room waiting together.

"Is this your first child?" says the older woman.

"No," says the younger woman. "I have another."

"I have three." Continues the older woman. "A...

I created my own delivery company!

But now I'm not sure what to do with all the disembodied livers

I had a delivery from Hermes today.

He asked if I could give him the time, so I said it was between 8am-1pm

The woman had just woken up from a traumatic baby delivery...

The doctor is standing next to her, and he says "I'm sorry ma'am, but your baby was born with severe birth defects."

She says "Oh my god! I have to see my baby now!"

The doctor tells her that he does not recommend it, but since she insisted, he took her to the ICU.

When they ...

When my friends wife was in labor, he would tell her jokes to keep her mind off the pain but this didn't amuse her much.

I guess it was the delivery.

A man rushes his pregnant wife into the delivery room

As the doctors are getting her ready to give birth, one of them informs the man that a machine that transfers some of the pain of birth from the mother to the father had been developed. They ask the man if he would want to take on some of the pain to make his wife's burden easier.

The man agr...

A delivery driver asked me what time it was…

I said, “Somewhere between 8am and 5:30pm”.

A pizza delivery boy is late on his delivery.

The woman at the door tells him he’s 5 minutes late and that she gets the pizza free. The pizza delivery boy asks her if there is any other way since the pizza will be taken out of his pay! She asks if he knows any jokes. He says he knows one about Sherlock homes. She asks him if he could tell it an...

You murder one pizza delivery driver, and then you have to murder another pizza delivery driver.

That's the domino effect

What's a child molester's favorite thing about Halloween?

Free Delivery!

I told my husband there are 100 days until our baby's delivery

He said "That's a really long time. You should really use Prime next time".

Grocery store meat departments are starting drone delivery but customers think it's risky.

Its a high-steaks situation

The Pizza Delivery Guy

A college pizza delivery boy arrived at the house of Mr.Smith. He delivered the pizza to his trailer. After giving it to him, Mr. Smith asked: "What is the usual tip?"

"Well," replied the youth, "this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing ...

Did you hear about the Pepsi delivery drivers who were fired?

They tested positive for coke.

A man was arrested after running a red light and hitting a Chinese food delivery car.

He is charged with careless driving and wonton destruction.

The Doctor comes out of the delivery room into the waiting room, holding the newborn infant girl, and says to the father excitedly,

"Oh my goodness, you won't believe it! Your daughter was born with the most incredible powers! She can fly, watch!"

The Doctor then proceeds to give the baby a little toss into the air, where it comes down with a sickening thud.

"OH MY GOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING?", the father screams, horr...

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My Loving Wife

A couple years ago I met the love of my life. She's beautiful, intelligent, and compliments all of my weaknesses with her strengths. Recently, she became pregnant and I could not be more filled with joy. We found out we were having a boy, which was the perfect icing on the cake. Now there will be so...

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Nelson Mandela amd the delivery guu

One day Nelson Mandela is at home chilling out max and relaxing all cool when there is a knock at the door. Nelson gets up and answers the door to find a little Japanese guy on his doorstep with a great big car transporter full of brand new cars parked on his drive. As soon as the door opens the Jap...

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