What food delivery service does Harry Potter prefer?

Dumble-Door Dash

Any joke can be funny with the right delivery.

Except Abortion jokes, because there is no delivery.

We tried contactless delivery the other night

It was weird, the baby just kinda floated out of a flesh cave

I'm starting a Shakespearean delivery company.

We aim to deliver your parcel tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow.

I think it was a mistake to call childbirth “delivery”.

It should have been called “takeout” instead.

I have a lower back tattoo, and in the delivery room they absolutely refused to give me an epidural...

I have a lower back tattoo, and in the delivery room they absolutely refused to give me an epidural (or any pain meds at all).

I asked if the tattoo was the reason, and the anesthesiologist said “no, it’s because your wife is the one giving birth, not you, sir.”

What do a pizza delivery driver and a gynecologist have in common?

They both have to smell it all day but they don’t get to taste it.

So my wife and I just had our first child. A man ran into the delivery room and stole our child’s umbilical cord.

The search lasted for days. We thought there was no hope in finding the cord. A few days later we were advised that the man and the cord were found.

He was hiding on a navel base.

Hooters should start a delivery service

called Knockers.

What do you call the cat mail delivery service?

UPSpspspsps

Started a new job as a delivery man today

When I got to my first address there was a little sticky note left on the door saying, "Dear Mr delivery man, we're out, please hide in the garage."




That was eight hours ago and still nobody's found me...

I've been hired to research vehicles for Scott Van Pelt's new fur delivery company

My business card reads *Scott Van Pelt Pelt Van Scout*

I'm gonna start a cocaine delivery service

I'll call it instagram

A woman pregnant with twins went into labor suddenly, and fell unconscious during the delivery. The hospital contacted the father and he arrived quickly, just in time to witness the birth of his children.

His wife had not woken up yet, when the hospital staff asked the father what to name his new son and daughter. They had tried for months to decide on the perfect names, but couldn’t reach an agreement, so he did the best he could. When the mother regained consciousness, the father let her know what ...

Amazon just got approved for drone delivery

We now have skeet shooting with prizes.

Once I told a joke to my wife as she was in labor.

I thought I did a good job telling the joke but she told me to focus on the delivery.

What does an ambulance and a pizza delivery driver have in common

If either of them shows up late the delivery goes cold.

My dog keeps chasing the delivery driver in his truck

He really should know not to leave his keys in the ignition by now.

What do u call a delivery driver who doesnt like his job

FEDup

Most people don’t know that back in 1912, Hellmann’s mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York...

This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiti...

My wife tried to order contact-less delivery.

But I guess that's not how having a baby works.

A delivery man is carrying a box to a house when, suddenly, he drops it:

"Ups!"

What's the difference between police officers and pizza delivery drivers?

Pizza delivery drivers actually face consequences when their jobs aren't done right.

A delivery man who couldn't get his wife pregnant said his package came in the mail

His package should have came in the female.

Why will Jeff Bezos' career in standup comedy be a success?

He's already mastered delivery

Being a pizza delivery person and a comedian is hard work.

You have the right stuff, but sometimes you get the delivery wrong.

BTW, they fired me from my pizza delivery job.

Yesterday that guy screamed at me "Stay RIGHT THERE, PUT THOSE HANDS WHERE I CAN SEE THEM! DON't MovE!"

That pizza delivery guy took this distant payment thing very seriously

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

High School Bully

The guy who picked on me all through high school and then became a millionaire just placed a delivery order at KFC.

Now I get the last laugh. I gave him original recipe and he ordered extra crispy. Checkmate Justin, you fucking loser

I recently ordered one piece of sodium and one piece of copper.

When the delivery guy showed up, I noticed that he was only holding the sodium. I asked him,

"Did you have the copper with you?"

He replied,

"Na right now, Cu later."

I'm saving a bunch of money on pizza delivery.

When the doorbell rings I answer it completely naked. So far, nobody's stayed long enough to take my tip.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blond, brunette and red head are all in the delivery room ready to give birth.

The doctor walks in and goes the the brunette and asks how she prefers to have sex.

When she replies "missionary" he guesses she'll have a boy. A few minutes later, the baby is born and it's a boy.

Then the doctor steps up to the red head and asks how she prefers to have sex.
...

A British man was deliverying a monkey to a zoon when his van broke down...

He rang the repair company but they told him they won't be out to him for another four hours. He began to panic because the monkey had to be delivered in an hour or he wasn't getting paid.

Not two minutes went by before an Irish man was driving by and pulled over to see if the British man nee...

Where do dads learn how to tell their jokes?

In the delivery room.

Just heard that there will be a round of applause for courier and delivery drivers tomorrow

It will be some time between 9am and 5pm.

I ordered Chinese food yesterday. Small Chinese delivery driver comes to the door, so I walked out to meet him.

He started shouting "isolate, isolate." I said no you're not I only ordered 25 minutes ago!

A man and his wife go into the delivery room to give birth. The doctor says, “we have this new machine, where by the flip of a switch, the father can bear some of the pain to ease the mother. Want to try?” The every supportive husband says “sure.”

So, the doctor sets it to 10% and asks the husband how he feels.

“Fine. You can turn it up.”

Surprised, the doctor goes to 20%.

“More. This is easy”

Soon enough, the doctor goes to 30%, then 40, 50, 60, all the way to 100%. “I’ve never gone past the 25% mark” says the d...

Did you hear about the delivery driver for the local bakery that had 6 extra eyes located all around his head?

He's seen some weird things man but this guy takes the cake.

What a murderer do in a delivery room?

Spawn camp

Why is 2020 pizza delivery like my ex-girlfriend?

They both do no-contact orders!

I was speaking to my Chinese neighbour recently

His English is remarkably good, and we were talking about the difficulties of our jobs during the pandemic.

"It's a complete hassle being a delivery man at the moment", I told him. "We have to be extremely careful handling the mail and we have to stand back, wait and watch to see that people ...

In light of the pandemic - we will no longer use the term "immaculate conception"...

It is being updated to "contactless delivery."

Hooters is launching a new delivery service.

They're calling it 'knockers'.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On Amazon, I just ordered premature ejaculation with next day delivery and to my surprise...

It’s coming today.

I don't always joke about stillborn Greek gods...

...but when I do, it's all about dead Pan delivery.

With lots of restaurants closed, Hooters still remains open for delivery orders...

They just go by Knockers now.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just had to punch a delivery driver.

He got his phone out and said he wanted to take a picture of my package.

Cheeky fucker.

Indian takeaway - £20. Cost of delivery - £2. Finding out they've forgotten part of your order...

Riceless!

Today I was wearing a shirt with the family crest of my favorite painter Frida Kahlo. After a few hours I started to get hungry and ordered takeout. When my delivery person arrived he handed over my food without taking any money for bringing it to me. I asked him “How come there’s no charge?”

He replied: I was going to charge you, but I noticed you had Frida Livery”

A man and a woman sat down at a table to eat

I go up to them, ask what they would like to drink, and inform them of the specials tonight, the specials being a T-bone steak, or tilapia.

I take their orders and get them their drinks. A few minutes later, the chef signals that the orders are done.

Sitting on the delivery tray are 3...

Can't catch a break as a delivery driver for an Indian restaurant...

I've been working naan stop.

Did you hear about the new shipping company merger?

COVID has skyrocketed the demand for delivery services, causing an unforeseen merger in the works. To ensure the people get the best package delivery and express service, UPS and FedEx are joining forces...and they are calling themselves FedUp (:


(My dad made this joke up a long time ago...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wanted to tell a joke about amazon prime

But I'd probably just fuck up the delivery

Now is the best time ever to order delivery pizza and to use that movie from Home Alone when they show up...

Leave it on the doorstep and get the hell outta here you filthy animal!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I left a message for the delivery driver telling him I'd be back in fifteen minutes.

I pulled into the driveway two hours later and he came racing up to me.

"Where the fuck have you been? I was waiting all day."

"Now you know how we feel."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My nephew told me when he grows up, he wants to be a pizza delivery guy, or a pool skimmer.

I need to tell my bro to do a better job at hiding his porn.

Delivery...

A delivery guy turns up at the office the other day with a big roll of bubble wrap.
"Where do yo want this, sir?"
Without thinking I replied, "Just pop it in the corner."

Took him three hours.

Badoom tish.

A delivery man gets the part time job as a magician...(OC)

He tells a random person
"Pick a card any card!"
After the person pics a card the delivery man says: "your card will be revealed in 3-6 business days"

UPS delivery girl

About 15 minutes ago, a UPS delivery girl came up to the door, saying that my dad has a huge package.

I told my mom, and she's upset.

Amazon say drones will be making deliveries in ‘months’

So much for next day delivery

The Lantern

Deep in the back woods of Letcher County, Kentucky a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.
As there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here..You hold this high so I can see wh...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

While making a delivery to the proctologist’s office....

I was waiting for the doctor to sign for his package. When he finally came out of the back, he reached for his coat pocket for a pen, but instead pulled out a rectal thermometer. He just stared at it for a moment with a puzzled look on his face and said:

“Well....I guess some asshole has my ...

I got a job at UPS to get better at comedy...

I now have great delivery but my timing is all over the place.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jose and Carlos are butt fucking in the shower

when the doorbell rings. Jose quickly blows his load, pulls his dick out of Carlos’ ass, and says “hold on I need to get this it could be the delivery man”. Before leaving the bathroom Jose notices that Carlos’ dick is rock hard and he’s stroking it intensely. Jose says to Carlos “You better not cum...

A Chinese delivery guy has a regular customer that he thinks is gorgeous.

He sees her at least once a week, and after a long while he finally works up the nerve to ask her out on a date. She agrees, and a week later the two meet up for dinner. Everything goes well and they wind up back at her place. Soon, it starts getting hot and heavy as they kiss and remove their cloth...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My father in the delivery room: 1973

My younger brother was born a few hours prior to this so dad and his buddies are clamoring around the hospital drinking, celebrating and smoking cigars - in the hospital, it was 1973 after all

They manage to find their way to the nursery and look in at the babies cooing at them as each one is...

A member of the Soviet Union wants to buy a car

The man goes to the official agency, puts down his money and is told that he can take delivery of his automobile in exactly 10 years.

“Morning or afternoon?'' the purchaser asks.

“Ten years from now, what difference does it make?'' replies the clerk.

''Well,'' says the car-buyer...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The most ancient joke from the Stone Age (really)

I've read somewhere that this is considered the most ancient still surviving joke, already told by cavemen around the campfire, literally tens of thousands of years old. (So like the ultimate unoriginal one lol.) Figured maybe you haven't heard it, so here it goes (sorry if my delivery is bad).
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Our doctor told us we could have sex right up until the time of the baby’s birth.

So I don’t know why they got so upset with me in the delivery room.

A little boy was jealous that his new born brother was getting all the attention of his family now so he decided to put poison on his mom's nipples.

Two days later, the mailman, a neighbor and the pizza delivery guy were found dead.

Did you hear about the livestock delivery service?

They...

Sorry, I’ve butchered the delivery

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Indian man were waiting outside the delivery room.

The matron comes out and explains that the hospital has accidentally mixed up the babies.

The Scot goes straight in and picks up the brown baby.

The Indian says "Are you sure that's your baby?"

The Scot says "No, but there's no way I'm going to risk leaving here with an Englis...

At the start of the wedding party the organizer announced that they had ordered a whole pig, but something went wrong with the delivery and the pig would be late/not coming.

One guest said: "I hope this will be the last time in this relationship that someone says "what is taking that pig so long?""

I murdered the pizza delivery man for messing up my order and had to cover it up.

I ordered another pizza to calm my nerves and the second delivery man noticed the body, so I had to kill him too. Now I feel even more nervous so I ordered yet another pizza. I think it’s starting to become a domino effect.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Lets go for a walk!

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners. The class was in full swing. The instructor taught the women how to breathe and explained to the men how to give the necessary help and assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy. The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exer...

Don’t know what was wrong with the delivery driver this morning.

He was all smiles until I signed his touch screen thing, then he got all shouty and mad.

I was so scared I dropped my sharpie and just closed the door.

I would make a joke about newborns

But the delivery would be too painful

Why do doctors allow smart phones in the delivery room?

Push notifications.

I'm a delivery person for Kohler. I often spend hours a day on doorsteps and in lobbies waiting for people to accept their deliveries.

Let that sink in.

How does a musician make their vehicles more aerodynamic?

They remove the delivery sign

Boy says goodbye instead of goodnight

So a boy and his family are praying, and after they finished praying, it’s their tradition to say goodnight, and go to sleep.

So the boy says, goodnight mama, goodnight papa, goodnight grandpa, goodbye grandma.

At the time, they didn’t really think much of it, and the boy didn’t even ...

I have this great joke about construction

I'm still working on it

Got to hammer out a few kinks

Make sure to nail the delivery

I just don't want to screw it up

What do a pizza delivery boy and a gynecologist see every day?

The yeasty crust.

A man is on an elevator delivering jokes to children at a children's hospital when someone gets off at a floor and asks "Do you need to make a delivery on this floor?"

The man replies "no, this joke is next level"

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.