Any joke can be funny with the right delivery.

Except Abortion jokes, because there is no delivery.

Started a new job as a delivery man today

When I got to my first address there was a little sticky note left on the door saying, "Dear Mr delivery man, we're out, please hide in the garage."




That was eight hours ago and still nobody's found me...

What does a Pizza Delivery Driver and a Gynecologist' jobs have in common?

You can smell it, but you can't eat it

[NSFW] A nurse was dating a Doctor and got pregnant...

The married doctor begged her to keep it a secret and asked her to keep away from public eye.

Nine months later,she came to the hospital for delivery.

At the same moment, a priest was admitted for having a large cyst in his prostate gland .

The doctor had an idea. He sedates the...

Do you know which app is best fit to be used in the delivery room?

Discord!

I think it was a mistake to call childbirth “delivery”.

It should have been called “takeout” instead.

Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced. “My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!” The bartender inquired. “What makes you say that?” Bill beamed with pride, “Last week, I had to take a couple of sick days from work..."

"Suzie was so thrilled to have me around, that every time a mail or delivery person came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”

I'm starting a Shakespearean delivery company.

We aim to deliver your parcel tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow.

So my wife and I just had our first child. A man ran into the delivery room and stole our child’s umbilical cord.

The search lasted for days. We thought there was no hope in finding the cord. A few days later we were advised that the man and the cord were found.

He was hiding on a navel base.

I have a lower back tattoo, and in the delivery room they absolutely refused to give me an epidural...

I have a lower back tattoo, and in the delivery room they absolutely refused to give me an epidural (or any pain meds at all).

I asked if the tattoo was the reason, and the anesthesiologist said “no, it’s because your wife is the one giving birth, not you, sir.”

I'm gonna start a cocaine delivery service

I'll call it instagram

We tried contactless delivery the other night

It was weird, the baby just kinda floated out of a flesh cave

A mother and her three daughters, Rose, Lily, and Cinderblock are walking down a path

Lily asks her mom “mom, why did you name me Lily?” The mom replies “Because when we were taking you home from the delivery room, a lily fell on your head” Curious, Rose asks “Mom, why is my name Rose?” Her mother says “because when we were taking you home from the delivery room, a rose fell on your ...

Hooters should start a delivery service

called Knockers.

Gynecologists and midwives are good at telling jokes

It's all about the delivery.

Cinco de Mayo and the Titanic

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England .

In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico , which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York ..
...

A FedEx driver, UPS driver, and USPS driver walk into a bar...

Nevermind, you wouldn't get the delivery from the FedEx driver.

I've been hired to research vehicles for Scott Van Pelt's new fur delivery company

My business card reads *Scott Van Pelt Pelt Van Scout*

What do you call the cat mail delivery service?

UPSpspspsps

A woman pregnant with twins went into labor suddenly, and fell unconscious during the delivery. The hospital contacted the father and he arrived quickly, just in time to witness the birth of his children.

His wife had not woken up yet, when the hospital staff asked the father what to name his new son and daughter. They had tried for months to decide on the perfect names, but couldn’t reach an agreement, so he did the best he could. When the mother regained consciousness, the father let her know what ...

Amazon just got approved for drone delivery

We now have skeet shooting with prizes.

While my wife was in labor, I read her the front page from /r/Jokes to distract her from the pain, but she didn’t seem amused...

It must have been the delivery...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Delicious

A husband and wife are sitting around one afternoon. The man is a little bored and horny so he turns to his wife.

“Hey honey want to 69?” He asks.

“Sounds lovely,” she replies “but I’m on my period”

“That’s ok with me.”

They go upstairs and start the act. After a few mi...

My dog keeps chasing the delivery driver in his truck

He really should know not to leave his keys in the ignition by now.

New Boss

The new CEO decides it's time to rid the company of slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, he notices a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers. Seeing a chance to show he meant business, he says to the guy, *"How much money do you make a week?"*

A little surprised, t...

What's the difference between police officers and pizza delivery drivers?

Pizza delivery drivers actually face consequences when their jobs aren't done right.

My wife tried to order contact-less delivery.

But I guess that's not how having a baby works.

A pregnant lady visits her doctor for a check-up

Doctor: Do you wish for the baby's father to be present during the delivery?

Lady: NO, my husband already doubts him a lot.

Being a pizza delivery person and a comedian is hard work.

You have the right stuff, but sometimes you get the delivery wrong.

BTW, they fired me from my pizza delivery job.

A man and his wife go into the delivery room to give birth. The doctor says, “we have this new machine, where by the flip of a switch, the father can bear some of the pain to ease the mother. Want to try?” The every supportive husband says “sure.”

So, the doctor sets it to 10% and asks the husband how he feels.

“Fine. You can turn it up.”

Surprised, the doctor goes to 20%.

“More. This is easy”

Soon enough, the doctor goes to 30%, then 40, 50, 60, all the way to 100%. “I’ve never gone past the 25% mark” says the d...

What do u call a delivery driver who doesnt like his job

FEDup

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blond, brunette and red head are all in the delivery room ready to give birth.

The doctor walks in and goes the the brunette and asks how she prefers to have sex.

When she replies "missionary" he guesses she'll have a boy. A few minutes later, the baby is born and it's a boy.

Then the doctor steps up to the red head and asks how she prefers to have sex.
...

Once I told a joke to my wife as she was in labor.

I thought I did a good job telling the joke but she told me to focus on the delivery.

What does an ambulance and a pizza delivery driver have in common

If either of them shows up late the delivery goes cold.

Just heard that there will be a round of applause for courier and delivery drivers tomorrow

It will be some time between 9am and 5pm.

Why is 2020 pizza delivery like my ex-girlfriend?

They both do no-contact orders!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just had to punch a delivery driver.

He got his phone out and said he wanted to take a picture of my package.

Cheeky fucker.

A delivery man who couldn't get his wife pregnant said his package came in the mail

His package should have came in the female.

I ordered Chinese food yesterday. Small Chinese delivery driver comes to the door, so I walked out to meet him.

He started shouting "isolate, isolate." I said no you're not I only ordered 25 minutes ago!

A British man was deliverying a monkey to a zoon when his van broke down...

He rang the repair company but they told him they won't be out to him for another four hours. He began to panic because the monkey had to be delivered in an hour or he wasn't getting paid.

Not two minutes went by before an Irish man was driving by and pulled over to see if the British man nee...

Did you hear about the delivery driver for the local bakery that had 6 extra eyes located all around his head?

He's seen some weird things man but this guy takes the cake.

Why will Jeff Bezos' career in standup comedy be a success?

He's already mastered delivery

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

High School Bully

The guy who picked on me all through high school and then became a millionaire just placed a delivery order at KFC.

Now I get the last laugh. I gave him original recipe and he ordered extra crispy. Checkmate Justin, you fucking loser

Yesterday that guy screamed at me "Stay RIGHT THERE, PUT THOSE HANDS WHERE I CAN SEE THEM! DON't MovE!"

That pizza delivery guy took this distant payment thing very seriously

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On Amazon, I just ordered premature ejaculation with next day delivery and to my surprise...

It’s coming today.

With lots of restaurants closed, Hooters still remains open for delivery orders...

They just go by Knockers now.

Today I was wearing a shirt with the family crest of my favorite painter Frida Kahlo. After a few hours I started to get hungry and ordered takeout. When my delivery person arrived he handed over my food without taking any money for bringing it to me. I asked him “How come there’s no charge?”

He replied: I was going to charge you, but I noticed you had Frida Livery”

I recently ordered one piece of sodium and one piece of copper.

When the delivery guy showed up, I noticed that he was only holding the sodium. I asked him,

"Did you have the copper with you?"

He replied,

"Na right now, Cu later."

Indian takeaway - £20. Cost of delivery - £2. Finding out they've forgotten part of your order...

Riceless!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I left a message for the delivery driver telling him I'd be back in fifteen minutes.

I pulled into the driveway two hours later and he came racing up to me.

"Where the fuck have you been? I was waiting all day."

"Now you know how we feel."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My nephew told me when he grows up, he wants to be a pizza delivery guy, or a pool skimmer.

I need to tell my bro to do a better job at hiding his porn.

A delivery man is carrying a box to a house when, suddenly, he drops it:

"Ups!"

Hooters is launching a new delivery service.

They're calling it 'knockers'.

Can't catch a break as a delivery driver for an Indian restaurant...

I've been working naan stop.

I was shipping comedians across the countr but it took to long

They said it was bad timing but great delivery

Where do dads learn how to tell their jokes?

In the delivery room.

So I saw a funeral service driving behind an old couple the other day

Talk about same day delivery

A Chinese delivery guy has a regular customer that he thinks is gorgeous.

He sees her at least once a week, and after a long while he finally works up the nerve to ask her out on a date. She agrees, and a week later the two meet up for dinner. Everything goes well and they wind up back at her place. Soon, it starts getting hot and heavy as they kiss and remove their cloth...

UPS delivery girl

About 15 minutes ago, a UPS delivery girl came up to the door, saying that my dad has a huge package.

I told my mom, and she's upset.

Amazon say drones will be making deliveries in ‘months’

So much for next day delivery

A delivery man gets the part time job as a magician...(OC)

He tells a random person
"Pick a card any card!"
After the person pics a card the delivery man says: "your card will be revealed in 3-6 business days"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

While making a delivery to the proctologist’s office....

I was waiting for the doctor to sign for his package. When he finally came out of the back, he reached for his coat pocket for a pen, but instead pulled out a rectal thermometer. He just stared at it for a moment with a puzzled look on his face and said:

“Well....I guess some asshole has my ...

Deep in the back woods of Letcher County Kentucky, a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, 'Here, you hold this high so I can see what I am doing!'

Soon a baby boy was brought into the world. 'Whoa there', said the doctor, 'Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down, I think there's another...

Delivery...

A delivery guy turns up at the office the other day with a big roll of bubble wrap.
"Where do yo want this, sir?"
Without thinking I replied, "Just pop it in the corner."

Took him three hours.

Badoom tish.

Did you hear about the livestock delivery service?

They...

Sorry, I’ve butchered the delivery

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My father in the delivery room: 1973

My younger brother was born a few hours prior to this so dad and his buddies are clamoring around the hospital drinking, celebrating and smoking cigars - in the hospital, it was 1973 after all

They manage to find their way to the nursery and look in at the babies cooing at them as each one is...

I murdered the pizza delivery man for messing up my order and had to cover it up.

I ordered another pizza to calm my nerves and the second delivery man noticed the body, so I had to kill him too. Now I feel even more nervous so I ordered yet another pizza. I think it’s starting to become a domino effect.

In light of the pandemic - we will no longer use the term "immaculate conception"...

It is being updated to "contactless delivery."

I don't always joke about stillborn Greek gods...

...but when I do, it's all about dead Pan delivery.

At the start of the wedding party the organizer announced that they had ordered a whole pig, but something went wrong with the delivery and the pig would be late/not coming.

One guest said: "I hope this will be the last time in this relationship that someone says "what is taking that pig so long?""

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wanted to tell a joke about amazon prime

But I'd probably just fuck up the delivery

A man and a woman sat down at a table to eat

I go up to them, ask what they would like to drink, and inform them of the specials tonight, the specials being a T-bone steak, or tilapia.

I take their orders and get them their drinks. A few minutes later, the chef signals that the orders are done.

Sitting on the delivery tray are 3...

I'm a delivery person for Kohler. I often spend hours a day on doorsteps and in lobbies waiting for people to accept their deliveries.

Let that sink in.

Don’t know what was wrong with the delivery driver this morning.

He was all smiles until I signed his touch screen thing, then he got all shouty and mad.

I was so scared I dropped my sharpie and just closed the door.

What do a pizza delivery boy and a gynecologist see every day?

The yeasty crust.

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