What's the difference between police officers and pizza delivery drivers?

Pizza delivery drivers actually face consequences when their jobs aren't done right.

What do a lap dance and a pizza delivery driver have in common?

You can smell it but you can’t eat it.

Any joke can be funny with the right delivery

Except abortion jokes

I've religiously disinfected the groceries in my weekly supermarket delivery

Except for the items I take over to my mother-in-law

I ordered Chinese food yesterday. Small Chinese delivery driver comes to the door, so I walked out to meet him.

He started shouting "isolate, isolate." I said no you're not I only ordered 25 minutes ago!

Just heard that there will be a round of applause for courier and delivery drivers tomorrow

It will be some time between 9am and 5pm.

Why is 2020 pizza delivery like my ex-girlfriend?

They both do no-contact orders!

With lots of restaurants closed, Hooters still remains open for delivery orders...

They just go by Knockers now.

Hooters is launching a new delivery service.

They're calling it 'knockers'.

A man and his wife go into the delivery room to give birth. The doctor says, “we have this new machine, where by the flip of a switch, the father can bear some of the pain to ease the mother. Want to try?” The every supportive husband says “sure.”

So, the doctor sets it to 10% and asks the husband how he feels.

“Fine. You can turn it up.”

Surprised, the doctor goes to 20%.

“More. This is easy”

Soon enough, the doctor goes to 30%, then 40, 50, 60, all the way to 100%. “I’ve never gone past the 25% mark” says the d...

Most people don’t know that back in 1912, Hellmann’s mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York...

This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiti...

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On Amazon, I just ordered premature ejaculation with next day delivery and to my surprise...

It’s coming today.

I'm gonna start a cocaine delivery service

I'll call it instagram

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A blond, brunette and red head are all in the delivery room ready to give birth.

The doctor walks in and goes the the brunette and asks how she prefers to have sex.

When she replies "missionary" he guesses she'll have a boy. A few minutes later, the baby is born and it's a boy.

Then the doctor steps up to the red head and asks how she prefers to have sex.
...

Today I was wearing a shirt with the family crest of my favorite painter Frida Kahlo. After a few hours I started to get hungry and ordered takeout. When my delivery person arrived he handed over my food without taking any money for bringing it to me. I asked him “How come there’s no charge?”

He replied: I was going to charge you, but I noticed you had Frida Livery”

Now is the best time ever to order delivery pizza and to use that movie from Home Alone when they show up...

Leave it on the doorstep and get the hell outta here you filthy animal!

Delivery...

A delivery guy turns up at the office the other day with a big roll of bubble wrap.
"Where do yo want this, sir?"
Without thinking I replied, "Just pop it in the corner."

Took him three hours.

Badoom tish.

Indian takeaway - £20. Cost of delivery - £2. Finding out they've forgotten part of your order...

Riceless!

Started a new job as a delivery driver today.

When i got to my first address there was a little sticky note left on the door saying "Dear Delivery Driver, we are out, please hide in garage".

That was eight hours ago and still nobody has found me.

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Just had to punch a delivery driver.

He got his phone out and said he wanted to take a picture of my package.

Cheeky fucker.

I think it’s weird that we call childbirth “delivery”.

Shouldn’t it be called “takeout” instead?

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Knock knock. "Who's there?" Pizza. "Pizza who?"

Pete's a fucking asshole. He promised me that he would cover my shifts during this outbreak, but apparently we weren't eligible for government benefits due to some shady shit in his past. So instead of handling it like a GOOD ~~manager~~ HUMAN BEING, he decides to double up my shifts. Which, of cour...

I just got fired from the post office

My supervisor took me into his office and we actually had a really good conversation. He told me that I wasn't meeting expectations in my current position, and that they didn't have any other jobs open at the moment. I said that I could see where he was coming from, and that I had no hard feelings. ...

Men's Helpline for Women

Dear John,

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV.  My car stalled, and then it broke down about a mile down the road, and I had to walk back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He wa...

My father in the delivery room: 1973

My younger brother was born a few hours prior to this so dad and his buddies are clamoring around the hospital drinking, celebrating and smoking cigars - in the hospital, it was 1973 after all

They manage to find their way to the nursery and look in at the babies cooing at them as each one is...

When my wife was in labor with our first child I read her jokes to pass the time, but she didn’t laugh at any of them. Nevertheless I’ve persisted with telling the same lame Dad jokes during the births of each of our kids. Today she’s in labor with our fourth and I’ve finally got her laughing...

...I think I’ve really improved the delivery!

(True Story: Today is baby number four, and this is basically the same lame joke I told/posted when our last child was born. Dad jokes 4TW!)

Can't catch a break as a delivery driver for an Indian restaurant...

I've been working naan stop.

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I left a message for the delivery driver telling him I'd be back in fifteen minutes.

I pulled into the driveway two hours later and he came racing up to me.

"Where the fuck have you been? I was waiting all day."

"Now you know how we feel."

The Three Babies

An Englishman, Welshman and a Jamaican are in hospital waiting for their wives to give birth.
After much pacing up and down, the nurse emerges from the maternity ward and announces that each are the father to a bouncing baby boy.
“Unfortunately there’s just one small problem” she adds.
“Be...

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My nephew told me when he grows up, he wants to be a pizza delivery guy, or a pool skimmer.

I need to tell my bro to do a better job at hiding his porn.

I recently found out the US Postal Service has a police force.

Or, as they're also known, the PO po-po.

I'm a delivery person for Kohler. I often spend hours a day on doorsteps and in lobbies waiting for people to accept their deliveries.

Let that sink in.

I hate delivery jokes...

Because it takes me 5 working days to get them.

Amazon say drones will be making deliveries in ‘months’

So much for next day delivery

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While making a delivery to the proctologist’s office....

I was waiting for the doctor to sign for his package. When he finally came out of the back, he reached for his coat pocket for a pen, but instead pulled out a rectal thermometer. He just stared at it for a moment with a puzzled look on his face and said:

“Well....I guess some asshole has my ...

UPS delivery girl

About 15 minutes ago, a UPS delivery girl came up to the door, saying that my dad has a huge package.

I told my mom, and she's upset.

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Good Doctor

Following a difficult natural birth, the delivering doctor was tending to the new mother. The curious father asked the doctor what he was doing.

“She had a slight vaginal tear during delivery. I’m stitching it up.”

“Gee doc, could you put an extra stitch in there?” Asked the new fathe...

At the start of the wedding party the organizer announced that they had ordered a whole pig, but something went wrong with the delivery and the pig would be late/not coming.

One guest said: "I hope this will be the last time in this relationship that someone says "what is taking that pig so long?""

Did you hear about the livestock delivery service?

They...

Sorry, I’ve butchered the delivery

Why do doctors allow smart phones in the delivery room?

Push notifications.

No Contact?

Places seems to be advertising “No contact delivery”, and “No contact click n collect” a lot these days. Was there ever a contact option?..

“Thanks for the pizza, ready for the cuddle?”.

Deep in the back woods of Letcher County Kentucky, a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, 'Here, you hold this high so I can see what I am doing!'

Soon a baby boy was brought into the world. 'Whoa there', said the doctor, 'Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down, I think there's another...

My door to door fruit delivery business failed badly because of my poor people skills.

I was driving people bananas.

A man is on an elevator delivering jokes to children at a children's hospital when someone gets off at a floor and asks "Do you need to make a delivery on this floor?"

The man replies "no, this joke is next level"

Don’t know what was wrong with the delivery driver this morning.

He was all smiles until I signed his touch screen thing, then he got all shouty and mad.

I was so scared I dropped my sharpie and just closed the door.

A Chinese delivery guy has a regular customer that he thinks is gorgeous.

He sees her at least once a week, and after a long while he finally works up the nerve to ask her out on a date. She agrees, and a week later the two meet up for dinner. Everything goes well and they wind up back at her place. Soon, it starts getting hot and heavy as they kiss and remove their cloth...

The mailman told me he's off to Spain tomorrow...

So I asked him if he was going to Parcelona. He proceeded to ignore what I believe was my best joke. I probably didn't say it right. The key to a good mailman joke is the delivery.

The other day I saw a Zomato delivery giving a lift to a random stranger

and my immediate thought was, "Oh, Zomato's venturing into human trafficking now?"

Ordered Chinese food last night

When the delivery guy showed up to deliver it I went out to meet him saw it was a little Chinese man and he started shouting isolate isolate I looked at him and laughed and said you're not late it's only been 15 minutes since I ordered

I murdered the pizza delivery man for messing up my order and had to cover it up.

I ordered another pizza to calm my nerves and the second delivery man noticed the body, so I had to kill him too. Now I feel even more nervous so I ordered yet another pizza. I think it’s starting to become a domino effect.

What do a pizza delivery boy and a gynecologist see every day?

The yeasty crust.

All about the delivery

'Why did the chicken cross the road...To get to the ugly persons house'

Person looks baffled whilst you have a giggle...

'You don't get it?! Never mind, anyway I've got another...knock knock'

Who's there?

Chicken...

I know it sucks but at least i tried

My ex worked at a delivery company but working made her hungry, so i got groceries and *Fed ex*

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Gay men would make great Amazon Delivery guys...

They know how to handle large packages & have no problems delivering loads in the rear

NO,NO,NO

When does a joke become a dad joke?

When the punchline becomes apparent.

When does the punchline become apparent?

After the delivery.

How did the lumberjack know his lumber delivery was incomplete?

He kept a log.

Since a good joke is all about the delivery, I can tell you one about anything!

Except abortion

I have a delivery van set as my profile picture on dating websites.

I just want the ladies to know what they’re getting into.

Wanna hear a dead baby joke I just made up?

Sorry, there are problems with the delivery.

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Indian man were waiting outside the delivery room.

The matron comes out and explains that the hospital has accidentally mixed up the babies.

The Scot goes straight in and picks up the brown baby.

The Indian says "Are you sure that's your baby?"

The Scot says "No, but there's no way I'm going to risk leaving here with an Englis...

An Italian cuisine delivery guy crashed on a highway while delivering food...

He pasta way.

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I never tip the cute pizza delivery drivers and always complain that they're rude, even when they're nice...

That way, I know I'm fucking them.

An ambulance is like a Pizza delivery

If they're late the delivery ends up cold.

I asked a girl to rate me out of 10 the other day

She said "you're an 8 on a scale of 10"

I still don't understand why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton

I'm done with dating sites

I'm only dating pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a car, a job and, pizza

My rapper friend has started a really successful gardening tool delivery business.

He’s got hoes in different area codes.

What gyneacologists and pizza delivery guys have in common?

Both can sniff it,but cant taste it.

Why did Micheal Jackson call Boys II Men?

He thought it was delivery service.

Men often work just as hard for a baby as women do.

You have no idea what I had to go through to make my first baby.

First I had to dress really nice..

I took my wife out to some high fancy, upper class restaurant, I made small talk with her for an hour while I consciously avoided the basketball game on TV to pay attention to her instea...

Dad joke while in labor and delivery

Wife is getting induced so we are currently at the hospital and while talking to the nurse she asked how many kids she had. To which she replied 3 as any seasoned Dad would do I decided to introduce a joke that had me cracking up in my head so I turn and look and say 3 kids with a frown that’s an od...

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Apparently, there's a new sex position called, "delivery man"...

You stay in all day and no-one comes...

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I've decided to start a pie delivery service from my car.

Apple pie is $3.75 / slice, cherry is $4.25, and banana cream pie is $4.75. Those are the pie rates of the car-I-be-in.

---------

There, did I manage to ruin both jokes?

My girlfriend told me she would love me to be a pizza delivery guy

I asked her why and she said she wants a guy that comes in 30 minutes instead of 5.

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I asked my son what he wanted to be when he grew up. He told me he either wants to be a pizza delivery guy or a pool cleaner.

Little bastard must have found my porn stash.

What do you call a delivery girl who dated an FBI agent?

A Fed Ex

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To all the wonderful delivery men and woman doing their best to make sure we all get our gifts on time this year,

Get the hell off Reddit and deliver my gifts you lazy cunts. Is this a game to you?

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