I am starting my new venture, a startup healthy food delivery app that will help all to reduce weight dramatically!...

Basically it works as follows: You place your order, and I don't deliver the food at all.

Telling a good joke is all about delivery

Except for abortion jokes, because there is no delivery

If you're funny but you suck at delivery, what do you do?

... you become a writer.

I think it was a mistake to call childbirth “delivery”.

It should have been called “takeout” instead.

What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery driver have in common?

They can both smell the goods but aren't allowed to eat them.

I got T-boned by a construction delivery truck the other day.

It came down like a ton of bricks.

I just received notification that delivery of my walking cane has been delayed

The good news is the truck is on the last leg of its trip.

The delivery man only brought part of my bear costume.

I wanted to choke him with my bear hands.

I asked the bank for a loan to open a "pizza delivery by drone" business.

They refused. Said my business case was just pie in the sky.

TIL: if you push one pizza delivery man over, all the pizza delivery men fall over.

It's known as the domino's effect.

American Tourist

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of beer.

After awhile, he finds himself in a very hi...

Started a new job as a delivery man today

When I got to my first address there was a little sticky note left on the door saying, "Dear Mr delivery man, we're out, please hide in the garage."




That was eight hours ago and still nobody's found me...

I'm gonna start a cocaine delivery service

I'll call it instagram

Any joke can be funny with the right delivery.

Except abortion jokes, because there is no delivery.



Which, incidentally, is also why most Afghanistan jokes are falling flat.

But also because everyone knows the Dems are pro-choice, they didn't have to abort a whole country just to prove it.



I think I'm startin...

A blonde orders a pizza delivery over the phone.

"Would you like your pizza cut into eight pieces, or ten?" asks the voice on the other end.

"Eight, please," replies the blonde.

When the pizza comes, the blonde notices that the pizza has been mistakenly cut into ten pieces. "Hey!" she says. "I asked for my pizza to be cut into eight ...

My FedEx delivery guy is also my drug dealer.

He just doesn't know it.

RIP Mitch.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Adam said unto the lord...

‘This garden of Eden you have provided, it has endless beauty and boundless supplies of nuts and berries.
But I’ve no one to share it with oh lord.’

The lord was a pretty sharp dude and said unto Adam...

‘Actually I’ve been thinking about that very problem. I can see that you are ...

Do you know which app is best fit to be used in the delivery room?

Discord!

I got fired from my job at Planned Parenthood

My boss didn’t like me saying “Takeout or delivery?” whenever someone walked in the door

Hooters should start a delivery service

called Knockers.

Don't make a decision before you have studied all its aspects ! Don't make a decision when you are angry !

An iron company manager, while touring the company noticed a young man leaning against the wall and doing nothing.

He approached him and said softly, "How much is your salary?"

The young man was calm and surprised by the personal question.

He answered, "2500 dollars a month, sir...

A woman pregnant with twins went into labor suddenly, and fell unconscious during the delivery. The hospital contacted the father and he arrived quickly, just in time to witness the birth of his children.

His wife had not woken up yet, when the hospital staff asked the father what to name his new son and daughter. They had tried for months to decide on the perfect names, but couldn’t reach an agreement, so he did the best he could. When the mother regained consciousness, the father let her know what ...

I have a lower back tattoo, and in the delivery room they absolutely refused to give me an epidural...

I have a lower back tattoo, and in the delivery room they absolutely refused to give me an epidural (or any pain meds at all).

I asked if the tattoo was the reason, and the anesthesiologist said “no, it’s because your wife is the one giving birth, not you, sir.”

I'm starting a Shakespearean delivery company.

We aim to deliver your parcel tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow.

My dad finally came home with the milk!

Oh, wait. That was the milk delivery, my bad

[NSFW] A nurse was dating a Doctor and got pregnant...

The married doctor begged her to keep it a secret and asked her to keep away from public eye.

Nine months later,she came to the hospital for delivery.

At the same moment, a priest was admitted for having a large cyst in his prostate gland .

The doctor had an idea. He sedates the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend said that we will do something from a porn video for you birthday.

I didn't like it when she started to fuck the pizza delivery guy.

Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced. “My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!” The bartender inquired. “What makes you say that?” Bill beamed with pride, “Last week, I had to take a couple of sick days from work..."

"Suzie was so thrilled to have me around, that every time a mail or delivery person came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”

I order my groceries on doordash

Now it's both delivery AND digiorno

The new CEO

A particularily large manufactuing company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them k...

A man and his wife go into the delivery room to give birth. The doctor says, “we have this new machine, where by the flip of a switch, the father can bear some of the pain to ease the mother. Want to try?” The every supportive husband says “sure.”

So, the doctor sets it to 10% and asks the husband how he feels.

“Fine. You can turn it up.”

Surprised, the doctor goes to 20%.

“More. This is easy”

Soon enough, the doctor goes to 30%, then 40, 50, 60, all the way to 100%. “I’ve never gone past the 25% mark” says the d...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blond, brunette and red head are all in the delivery room ready to give birth.

The doctor walks in and goes the the brunette and asks how she prefers to have sex.

When she replies "missionary" he guesses she'll have a boy. A few minutes later, the baby is born and it's a boy.

Then the doctor steps up to the red head and asks how she prefers to have sex.
...

Most people don’t know that back in 1912, Hellmann’s mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York...

This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiti...

What do you call the cat mail delivery service?

UPSpspspsps

Amazon just got approved for drone delivery

We now have skeet shooting with prizes.

My dog keeps chasing the delivery driver in his truck

He really should know not to leave his keys in the ignition by now.

I've been hired to research vehicles for Scott Van Pelt's new fur delivery company

My business card reads *Scott Van Pelt Pelt Van Scout*

What do u call a delivery driver who doesnt like his job

FEDup

My wife tried to order contact-less delivery.

But I guess that's not how having a baby works.

A delivery man who couldn't get his wife pregnant said his package came in the mail

His package should have came in the female.

Being a pizza delivery person and a comedian is hard work.

You have the right stuff, but sometimes you get the delivery wrong.

BTW, they fired me from my pizza delivery job.

Just heard that there will be a round of applause for courier and delivery drivers tomorrow

It will be some time between 9am and 5pm.

George W. Bush's brand new Porsche is delivered to his home.

Upon inspecting it he turns to the delivery man and says, "Now lookie here son, there seems to be some sort of a mistake. This appears to be the 718. I ordered 911."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just had to punch a delivery driver.

He got his phone out and said he wanted to take a picture of my package.

Cheeky fucker.

I ordered Chinese food yesterday. Small Chinese delivery driver comes to the door, so I walked out to meet him.

He started shouting "isolate, isolate." I said no you're not I only ordered 25 minutes ago!

What does an ambulance and a pizza delivery driver have in common

If either of them shows up late the delivery goes cold.

The best pizza joke ever

Actually never mind it's too cheesy... That's the biggest problem with pizza jokes, it's all about the delivery…

To sum up healthcare in America

An expectant mother was being rushed to the hospital, but didn't quite make it. She gave birth to her baby on the hospital lawn. Later, the father received a bill, listing "Delivery Room Fee: $500."

He wrote the hospital and reminded them the baby was born on the front lawn.

A week pas...

A Chinese delivery guy has a regular customer that he thinks is gorgeous.

He sees her at least once a week, and after a long while he finally works up the nerve to ask her out on a date. She agrees, and a week later the two meet up for dinner. Everything goes well and they wind up back at her place. Soon, it starts getting hot and heavy as they kiss and remove their cloth...

My kid recently realized that they were born in the wrong body.

Now, I fully support anything they need to do to feel more like themselves, but I never imagined it would affect my social life like it has. The teachers won’t see me, my friends act like I’m not there. Hell even the mailman hasn’t made a delivery in weeks. I never realized how hard it was to be a t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My nephew told me when he grows up, he wants to be a pizza delivery guy, or a pool skimmer.

I need to tell my bro to do a better job at hiding his porn.

A delivery man is carrying a box to a house when, suddenly, he drops it:

"Ups!"

A British man was deliverying a monkey to a zoon when his van broke down...

He rang the repair company but they told him they won't be out to him for another four hours. He began to panic because the monkey had to be delivered in an hour or he wasn't getting paid.

Not two minutes went by before an Irish man was driving by and pulled over to see if the British man nee...

Did you hear about the delivery driver for the local bakery that had 6 extra eyes located all around his head?

He's seen some weird things man but this guy takes the cake.

Can't catch a break as a delivery driver for an Indian restaurant...

I've been working naan stop.

Hooters is launching a new delivery service.

They're calling it 'knockers'.

Why is 2020 pizza delivery like my ex-girlfriend?

They both do no-contact orders!

While my wife was in labor, I read her the front page from /r/Jokes to distract her from the pain, but she didn’t seem amused...

It must have been the delivery...

Today I was wearing a shirt with the family crest of my favorite painter Frida Kahlo. After a few hours I started to get hungry and ordered takeout. When my delivery person arrived he handed over my food without taking any money for bringing it to me. I asked him “How come there’s no charge?”

He replied: I was going to charge you, but I noticed you had Frida Livery”

With lots of restaurants closed, Hooters still remains open for delivery orders...

They just go by Knockers now.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On Amazon, I just ordered premature ejaculation with next day delivery and to my surprise...

It’s coming today.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I left a message for the delivery driver telling him I'd be back in fifteen minutes.

I pulled into the driveway two hours later and he came racing up to me.

"Where the fuck have you been? I was waiting all day."

"Now you know how we feel."

What a murderer do in a delivery room?

Spawn camp

UPS delivery girl

About 15 minutes ago, a UPS delivery girl came up to the door, saying that my dad has a huge package.

I told my mom, and she's upset.

I murdered the pizza delivery man for messing up my order and had to cover it up.

I ordered another pizza to calm my nerves and the second delivery man noticed the body, so I had to kill him too. Now I feel even more nervous so I ordered yet another pizza. I think it’s starting to become a domino effect.

Just had a quickie in the back of a UPS truck

Oh whoops... They prefer the term "expedited package delivery"

Indian takeaway - £20. Cost of delivery - £2. Finding out they've forgotten part of your order...

Riceless!

Amazon say drones will be making deliveries in ‘months’

So much for next day delivery

Now is the best time ever to order delivery pizza and to use that movie from Home Alone when they show up...

Leave it on the doorstep and get the hell outta here you filthy animal!

Delivery...

A delivery guy turns up at the office the other day with a big roll of bubble wrap.
"Where do yo want this, sir?"
Without thinking I replied, "Just pop it in the corner."

Took him three hours.

Badoom tish.

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