Look, anything is funny with the right delivery.

Except abortion jokes, which by definition have no delivery.

Started a new job as a delivery driver today.

When i got to my first address there was a little sticky note left on the door saying "Dear Delivery Driver, we are out, please hide in garage".

That was eight hours ago and still nobody has found me.

What gyneacologists and pizza delivery guys have in common?

Both can sniff it,but cant taste it.

Deep in the back woods of Letcher County Kentucky, a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, 'Here, you hold this high so I can see what I am doing!'

Soon a baby boy was brought into the world. 'Whoa there', said the doctor, 'Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down, I think there's another...

I have a delivery van set as my profile picture on dating websites.

I just want the ladies to know what they’re getting into.

How is an ambulance like pizza delivery?

If they're late it ends up cold.
(Been at least a month since this one made the rounds).

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I never tip the cute pizza delivery drivers and always complain that they're rude, even when they're nice...

That way, I know I'm fucking them.

What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery man have in common?

They both get to smell it, but neither gets to eat it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

To all the wonderful delivery men and woman doing their best to make sure we all get our gifts on time this year,

Get the hell off Reddit and deliver my gifts you lazy cunts. Is this a game to you?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I've decided to start a pie delivery service from my car.

Apple pie is $3.75 / slice, cherry is $4.25, and banana cream pie is $4.75. Those are the pie rates of the car-I-be-in.

---------

There, did I manage to ruin both jokes?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Gay men would make great Amazon Delivery guys...

They know how to handle large packages & have no problems delivering loads in the rear

How did the lumberjack know his lumber delivery was incomplete?

He kept a log.

On walking into the company, the CEO noticed a young guy leaning Against the wall

On walking into the company, the CEO noticed a young guy leaning Against the wall, doing nothing. He approached the young man and calmly said to him, “How much do you earn?”

The young man was quite amazed that he was asked such a personal question, he replied, none the less, “I earn Rs.25,000...

A sailor has just signed up to join a Transatlantic trade crew for their latest voyage...

The rest of the crew have worked together for years, so he's the only newbie. Initially, it seems to be a pretty ordinary job.

However, after the initial work of loading the ship and leaving the harbor was done, he noticed something weird.

During lunch or dinner, whenever most of the c...

A Chinese delivery guy has a regular customer that he thinks is gorgeous.

He sees her at least once a week, and after a long while he finally works up the nerve to ask her out on a date. She agrees, and a week later the two meet up for dinner. Everything goes well and they wind up back at her place. Soon, it starts getting hot and heavy as they kiss and remove their cloth...

A new CEO takes over at a struggling company and decides to get rid of all the slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. He can't believe this guy would just stand around on the job. The new CEO walks up to the guy leaning against the wall and asks, "What are you doing here?" "I'm just waiting to get paid," responds the man. Furious, the CEO asks "H...

My girlfriend told me she would love me to be a pizza delivery guy

I asked her why and she said she wants a guy that comes in 30 minutes instead of 5.

Mr. and Mrs White are in the delivery room of the hospital

waiting for the arrival of their newborn son. As the child emerges from the birth canal, a puzzled look comes over the doctor's face, as the child has jet black eyes, a flatter nose, and a few strands of black hair. He notices that Mr. and Mrs. White both have blue eyes and blonde hair. "This chi...

Someone stole £5000 worth of Red Bull from a local delivery truck.

How do these people sleep at night?

I murdered the pizza delivery man for messing up my order and had to cover it up.

I ordered another pizza to calm my nerves and the second delivery man noticed the body, so I had to kill him too. Now I feel even more nervous so I ordered yet another pizza. I think it’s starting to become a domino effect.

Dad joke while in labor and delivery

Wife is getting induced so we are currently at the hospital and while talking to the nurse she asked how many kids she had. To which she replied 3 as any seasoned Dad would do I decided to introduce a joke that had me cracking up in my head so I turn and look and say 3 kids with a frown that’s an od...

Two men steal food delivery trucks,

Later they get pulled over by the police who recognized the stolen trucks.
They get the first man out and start punishing him by putting the olives that were in the truck inside his ass.
The man starts laughing and can't control himself, so a policeman shouts at him " WHAT'S SO FUNNY ? "
Th...

What do you call a delivery girl who dated an FBI agent?

A Fed Ex

What do you call a delivery driver from an indian takeaway?

A curryier.

If Hooters had a delivery option

Would it be called Knockers?

I had a delivery from Hermes today.

He asked if I could give him the time, so I said it was between 8am-1pm

While my wife was in labor I read her jokes to distract her from the pain, but she didn't seem amused...

**It must have been the delivery.**



edit:

* I meant to note that I originally posted this as a comment in another joke, but thought I'd try it as a stand-alone joke

* This is literally a true story. She gave birth to an amazing little girl on Tuesday evening.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I asked my son what he wanted to be when he grew up. He told me he either wants to be a pizza delivery guy or a pool cleaner.

Little bastard must have found my porn stash.

An angry baby was born in the delivery room.

He was fuming, looking around the room and angrily pointed at the first man he saw and asked, "Hey you, are you my father?!" The man responded, "No, I'm your doctor."


The angry baby then pointed at another man and asked, "Hey you, are you my father?!" The man responded, "No, I'm the nurse...

I created my own delivery company!

But now I'm not sure what to do with all the disembodied livers

I'm new to this Tinder thing, is delivery an option?

Or is it "pick up" and "Eat out" only?

I wanted to build a house but I stopped after the first lumber delivery.

I got board.

What happens when a hospital runs out of labor and delivery nurses?

They have a mid-wife crisis.

Sign in pharmacy; Preperation H for sale, free delivery.

of course i couldnt resist,I took out my pen and added in ... and installation

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Apparently, there's a new sex position called, "delivery man"...

You stay in all day and no-one comes...

Why are teen boys the best delivery guys?

Because they always deliver their load in under 8 seconds.

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Indian man were waiting outside the delivery room.

The matron comes out and explains that the hospital has accidentally mixed up the babies.

The Scot goes straight in and picks up the brown baby.

The Indian says "Are you sure that's your baby?"

The Scot says "No, but there's no way I'm going to risk leaving here with an Englis...

A man on the floor in a factory stands, not doing any work.

A man on the floor in a factory stands, not doing any work.

CEO comes up and asks his salary.

The man replies - $1000

The CEO pulls out his wallet, gives the man $1,000 and says - here's your month salary. I pay people to work here. Get out and never come back !

The man l...

Grocery store meat departments are starting drone delivery but customers think it's risky.

Its a high-steaks situation

The Doctor comes out of the delivery room into the waiting room, holding the newborn infant girl, and says to the father excitedly,

"Oh my goodness, you won't believe it! Your daughter was born with the most incredible powers! She can fly, watch!"

The Doctor then proceeds to give the baby a little toss into the air, where it comes down with a sickening thud.

"OH MY GOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING?", the father screams, horr...

Stop dreaming about pizza delivery by drone.

It's a pie-in-the-sky idea.

A man was arrested after running a red light and hitting a Chinese food delivery car.

He is charged with careless driving and wonton destruction.

You murder one pizza delivery driver, and then you have to murder another pizza delivery driver.

That's the domino effect

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Nelson Mandela amd the delivery guu

One day Nelson Mandela is at home chilling out max and relaxing all cool when there is a knock at the door. Nelson gets up and answers the door to find a little Japanese guy on his doorstep with a great big car transporter full of brand new cars parked on his drive. As soon as the door opens the Jap...

After many years of studying at a university, I’ve finally become a PhD…

or Pizza Hut Deliveryman as people call it.

I told my husband there are 100 days until our baby's delivery

He said "That's a really long time. You should really use Prime next time".

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

New CEO

The board of directors at one company decided to hire new executive staff in order to increase the company's profits. The new CEO was a very tough guy who made it his mission to rid the company of slackers. One time he notices a guy in the hallway leaning against the wall picking his nose. As there ...

The Pizza Delivery Guy

A college pizza delivery boy arrived at the house of Mr.Smith. He delivered the pizza to his trailer. After giving it to him, Mr. Smith asked: "What is the usual tip?"

"Well," replied the youth, "this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing ...

Did you hear about the Pepsi delivery drivers who were fired?

They tested positive for coke.

I ran two of my friends over with my delivery truck.

Now they're my flatmates.

A delivery driver asked me what time it was…

I said, “Somewhere between 8am and 5:30pm”.

A man rushes his pregnant wife into the delivery room

As the doctors are getting her ready to give birth, one of them informs the man that a machine that transfers some of the pain of birth from the mother to the father had been developed. They ask the man if he would want to take on some of the pain to make his wife's burden easier.

The man agr...

What do you call a pig delivery service?

Hamazon.

Jim had been out for a few days with the flu. Back at work,...

...he ran into a friend of his, who asked him, "Jim, how are you feeling?"

"I'm better, thanks. You know, it was a wonderful experience," Jim replied.

"Wonderful? How can the flu be wonderful?"

"Well, I learned that my wife really loves me. You know, whenever the mailman came by...

I'm going on a date with a delivery man.

He said he'll arrive between 3pm and 7.30pm.

Why did the apple salesman fire his delivery boy?

He was driving him bananas.

Did you hear the Germans now have breakfast delivery drones?

They call them the LuftWaffles

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I told my boyfriend we could watch a porn for his birthday and do everything that we saw in the video.

He was super psyched, until I fucked the pizza delivery guy.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Baby Delivery

A lady was in the delivery room starting to deliver her baby. As the head came out it was dark and had an afro. The doctor said, "Madam, have you ever slept with a black man?"

"Well, yes, but only once."
"Once is all it takes" he replied.


Then the torso came out and it was ye...

My pizza delivery guy asked me for a tip today

So I told him to always wash his hands after using the bathroom.

An obstetrician once told me that telling a joke is all in the delivery.

So now you know.

What's the difference between Digiorno and a good joke?

Delivery.

It's hard to think about my wife, who passed away during delivery

Tip: Never, *EVER* go with a mail-order Russian bride who arrives by ship.

Opening a new restaurant, focusing on gourmet noodles and spaghetti. We're also going to offer free delivery.

We're calling it Send Noods

The dad, husband and pastor of a woman arrive outside a hospital delivery room

The nurse stated that the hospital policy only allowed one person to be in the delivery room with the woman. Unfortunately, all 3 became confused when the woman giving birth screamed, "FATHER I NEED YOU".

What language do delivery drivers speak in the Harry Potter universe?

Parcel tongue

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do a joke and Amazon package have in common.

No matter how good the thing is, a bad package can mess it up.

I mean a bad delivery can mess up a good delivery.

Crap! A bad delivery can mess up a good joke.

Whatever, I give up.