UPJOKE
conveyanceservicetransporttransportationsupplyshippingdeliverancebringingliverypitchspeechsavingrescuesalvationsalvage

Delivery Jokes

The other day I saw a sausage delivery truck crash.

It took a turn for the wurst.

I started a new job today doing parcel delivery, at my first drop the homeowner had left a note saying we're out so please hide in the bin.

I'm still hiding, I'm hungry and it's dark, help!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy chats with his milkman during the weekly daily delivery.

"You should've seen yesterday's party, it was great. There was me, my wife and many couples in the neighborhood. By the end we were completely hammered."

"Oh yeah? How did it go?" The milkman inquires.

"Well, we got so drunk that we got the idea for a little game. The men went into ano...

Not NSFW: A nurse comes out of the delivery ward...

A nurse comes out of the delivery ward with a baby in her hands. She approaches the father and says,"Sorry, your wife didn't make it."

The husband replied," Oh! Then bring me the one my wife made!"

If Mario ran a shopping delivery service, what would it be called?

MarioCart

Whoever coined the term ‘delivery’ for childbirth made a big mistake.

It should have been called takeout instead.

What do a pizza delivery guy and a gynecologist have in common?

They can both smell it, but not eat it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In my past life, I was a message delivery man in an army base

One day, I got a letter for Bravo Company, and took off to deliver it as quickly as I could. When I found them they were doing exercises in one of the yards, I walked up to the sergeant to deliver the message.

He took the letter, read it over, folded it and put it in his pocket. Then he yell...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The corporal at the Motor Pool received a call one day demanding the delivery of a Jeep.

"Sorry, man", said the Corporal, "the last Jeep went out yesterday to Sgt. Fat-Ass McGinty."

The voice on the phone said, "Do you know who this is?"

"No, man," said the Corporal.

"This is Sgt. McGinty!"

After a moment, the Corporal asked, "Well, do you know who *this* is?...

Did you hear about the new food delivery service that features people wearing really tight jeans that were popular in the 80's?

It's called Jor-Dash

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This is the last straw,I'm now divorcing my wife. At first,it was some drunken one night stand during business trip, then it was her boss, our pool guy, pizza delivery guy , her very own stepbrother and even my own best friend...

I just can't stop sucking cocks ..

OC - I saw a line of delivery scooters parked out the front of a pizza place.

Someone bumped into one of them and it topples over, and knocks down the next one, which knocks down the next one, and the next one.

It was the Domino's effect.

A man and his wife go into the delivery room to give birth. The doctor says, “we have this new machine, where by the flip of a switch, the father can bear some of the pain to ease the mother. Want to try?” The every supportive husband says “sure.”

So, the doctor sets it to 10% and asks the husband how he feels.

“Fine. You can turn it up.”

Surprised, the doctor goes to 20%.

“More. This is easy”

Soon enough, the doctor goes to 30%, then 40, 50, 60, all the way to 100%. “I’ve never gone past the 25% mark” says the d...

I got T-boned by a construction delivery truck the other day.

It came down like a ton of bricks.

What do a pizza delivery driver and a gynecologist have in common?

They both get close enough to smell the goods but if they eat it they'll be in trouble.

A pregnant woman enters the delivery room with her husband

The doctor tells them that a new scientific breakthrough has been achieved : A way to transfer pain felt from one person to another. "This way, you can share the pain between the two of you, if you wish." The husband and wife agree.

"Great", says the doctor. "Considering men don't come close ...

If Hooters had a delivery option

Would it be called Knockers?

Noticed the similarity between food delivery drivers and gynecologists.

They can smell it, but shouldn't taste.

Started a new job as a delivery man today

When I got to my first address there was a little sticky note left on the door saying, "Dear Mr delivery man, we're out, please hide in the garage."




That was eight hours ago and still nobody's found me...

A Chinese delivery guy has a regular customer that he thinks is gorgeous.

He sees her at least once a week, and after a long while he finally works up the nerve to ask her out on a date. She agrees, and a week later the two meet up for dinner. Everything goes well and they wind up back at her place. Soon, it starts getting hot and heavy as they kiss and remove their cloth...

I had to fire my fruit delivery driver today

I hate to let the mango but he was driving me bananas.

I’m starting a food delivery service for zombies

Hello Flesh!

If you're funny but you suck at delivery, what do you do?

... you become a writer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about Hooters new delivery service?

Boober Eats

A man rushes his pregnant wife into the delivery room

As the doctors are getting her ready to give birth, one of them informs the man that a machine that transfers some of the pain of birth from the mother to the father had been developed. They ask the man if he would want to take on some of the pain to make his wife's burden easier.

The man agr...

With the right delivery, any joke can be funny. Except abortion jokes.

Because there is no delivery.

Two guys are waiting in front of the delivery room.

The younger guy asks to old man "Was that your daughter they took in?"

-No she is my wife

-Aren't you too old to be a father?

Old man gets angry and yells "So what?"

-Look, my grandfather used to love hunting. Every weekend he would take his gun and go hunt some animal. B...

Joe works as a newspaper delivery man.

He likes his job, but holds a low opinion of the newspaper he works for. He thinks they are sensationalist and have a poor standard of writing. Still, the job pays well and has good benefits, so he tries not to think about it.

One day a man visits the newspaper's office and asks if they have ...

I murdered the pizza delivery man for messing up my order and had to cover it up.

I ordered another pizza to calm my nerves and the second delivery man noticed the body, so I had to kill him too. Now I feel even more nervous so I ordered yet another pizza. I think it’s starting to become a domino effect.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Apparently, there's a new sex position called, "delivery man"...

You stay in all day and no-one comes...

Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced. “My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!” The bartender inquired. “What makes you say that?” Bill beamed with pride, “Last week, I had to take a couple of sick days from work..."

"Suzie was so thrilled to have me around, that every time a mail or delivery person came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”

A doctor is delivering a baby. The head comes out and the baby says “Hey, you my dad?”. The doctor is shocked, says no and the baby shoots back inside the mother. The doctors calls the gynaecologist over to have a look.

Again the baby’s head pops out, “Hey, you my dad!?” The gynaecologist says no and the baby shoots back inside the mother.

The doctor and gynaecologist decide they better get the father who was too squeamish to be in the delivery room.

So the father looks between his wife’s legs. The b...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blond, brunette and red head are all in the delivery room ready to give birth.

The doctor walks in and goes the the brunette and asks how she prefers to have sex.

When she replies "missionary" he guesses she'll have a boy. A few minutes later, the baby is born and it's a boy.

Then the doctor steps up to the red head and asks how she prefers to have sex.
...

What is a cat owner’s favorite delivery service?

The usps pssss psss psss

The delivery man only brought part of my bear costume.

I wanted to choke him with my bear hands.

I asked the bank for a loan to open a "pizza delivery by drone" business.

They refused. Said my business case was just pie in the sky.

A blonde orders a pizza delivery over the phone.

"Would you like your pizza cut into eight pieces, or ten?" asks the voice on the other end.

"Eight, please," replies the blonde.

When the pizza comes, the blonde notices that the pizza has been mistakenly cut into ten pieces. "Hey!" she says. "I asked for my pizza to be cut into eight ...

I have a lower back tattoo, and in the delivery room they absolutely refused to give me an epidural...

I have a lower back tattoo, and in the delivery room they absolutely refused to give me an epidural (or any pain meds at all).

I asked if the tattoo was the reason, and the anesthesiologist said “no, it’s because your wife is the one giving birth, not you, sir.”

I told a joke about miscarriage to a group of women, but none of them laughed.

I guess it was a bad delivery

Mrs. Johnson was having her second set of twins: a boy and a girl.

Once again, she fell into a coma before delivery, so it fell to her younger brother to name the newborns. Traditionally, that job would fall to the eldest, but he had lost that privilege after naming her first set of twins Denise and Denephew. When she finally came to, she saw her brother standing b...

I am starting my new venture, a startup healthy food delivery app that will help all to reduce weight dramatically!...

Basically it works as follows: You place your order, and I don't deliver the food at all.

I asked a girl to rate me out of 10 the other day

She said "you're an 8 on a scale of 10"

I still don't understand why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton

I just received notification that delivery of my walking cane has been delayed

The good news is the truck is on the last leg of its trip.

TIL: if you push one pizza delivery man over, all the pizza delivery men fall over.

It's known as the domino's effect.

A woman pregnant with twins went into labor suddenly, and fell unconscious during the delivery. The hospital contacted the father and he arrived quickly, just in time to witness the birth of his children.

His wife had not woken up yet, when the hospital staff asked the father what to name his new son and daughter. They had tried for months to decide on the perfect names, but couldn’t reach an agreement, so he did the best he could. When the mother regained consciousness, the father let her know what ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Each year I eagerly anticipate this day so I can share my favorite Dad Joke of all time:

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.

This wo...

I told my husband there are 100 days until our baby's delivery

He said "That's a really long time. You should really use Prime next time".

Did you hear about the Pepsi delivery drivers who were fired?

They tested positive for coke.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My nephew told me when he grows up, he wants to be a pizza delivery guy, or a pool skimmer.

I need to tell my bro to do a better job at hiding his porn.

My FedEx delivery guy is also my drug dealer.

He just doesn't know it.

RIP Mitch.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do all black people have a problem with slavery?

Or just mine?

Edit: wow, front page of reddit! For those commenting on the distasteful nature of these joke, remind yourself.. It's a joke. The joke is based on wordplay, quick delivery, and is in no way designed to be racist. Slavery was never something to laugh about.

Edit 2: Holy g...

Do you know which app is best fit to be used in the delivery room?

Discord!

Just heard that there will be a round of applause for courier and delivery drivers tomorrow

It will be some time between 9am and 5pm.

Amazon just got approved for drone delivery

We now have skeet shooting with prizes.

My dog keeps chasing the delivery driver in his truck

He really should know not to leave his keys in the ignition by now.

I've been hired to research vehicles for Scott Van Pelt's new fur delivery company

My business card reads *Scott Van Pelt Pelt Van Scout*

What do u call a delivery driver who doesnt like his job

FEDup

Deep in the back woods of Letcher County Kentucky, a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, 'Here, you hold this high so I can see what I am doing!'

Soon a baby boy was brought into the world. 'Whoa there', said the doctor, 'Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down, I think there's another...

I ordered Chinese food yesterday. Small Chinese delivery driver comes to the door, so I walked out to meet him.

He started shouting "isolate, isolate." I said no you're not I only ordered 25 minutes ago!

The Pizza Delivery Guy

A college pizza delivery boy arrived at the house of Mr.Smith. He delivered the pizza to his trailer. After giving it to him, Mr. Smith asked: "What is the usual tip?"

"Well," replied the youth, "this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing ...

I'm starting a Shakespearean delivery company.

We aim to deliver your parcel tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow.

A Yiddish speaking newcomer to America took his pregnant wife to the hospital, but during the delivery, when he found out they were twins, he fainted.

He didn't regain consciousness for a few days so his brother was brought in to help name the children.

"My brother named my kids?!" he exclaimed when he woke up. "But my brother is illiterate! And he can't even speak any English. Okay, so what did he name the girl !?"

"He named her Den...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Onestone

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle And whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again, I will kill them!"

The word got arou...

So my wife and I just had our first child. A man ran into the delivery room and stole our child’s umbilical cord.

The search lasted for days. We thought there was no hope in finding the cord. A few days later we were advised that the man and the cord were found.

He was hiding on a navel base.

UPS delivery girl

About 15 minutes ago, a UPS delivery girl came up to the door, saying that my dad has a huge package.

I told my mom, and she's upset.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I left a message for the delivery driver telling him I'd be back in fifteen minutes.

I pulled into the driveway two hours later and he came racing up to me.

"Where the fuck have you been? I was waiting all day."

"Now you know how we feel."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just had to punch a delivery driver.

He got his phone out and said he wanted to take a picture of my package.

Cheeky fucker.

We tried contactless delivery the other night

It was weird, the baby just kinda floated out of a flesh cave

My wife tried to order contact-less delivery.

But I guess that's not how having a baby works.

Being a pizza delivery person and a comedian is hard work.

You have the right stuff, but sometimes you get the delivery wrong.

BTW, they fired me from my pizza delivery job.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

First joke I've written, would like some feedback please

There's this guy with a crush on a cashier at the grocery store so he asks her to go on a date and she says yes.

She's got a lot of piercings and while on the date the guy asks her what made her decide to get so many piercings.

She tells him, "when I'm disappointed with a part of my ...

Why is 2020 pizza delivery like my ex-girlfriend?

They both do no-contact orders!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On Amazon, I just ordered premature ejaculation with next day delivery and to my surprise...

It’s coming today.

How did the lumberjack know his lumber delivery was incomplete?

He kept a log.

A delivery driver asked me what time it was…

I said, “Somewhere between 8am and 5:30pm”.

Can't catch a break as a delivery driver for an Indian restaurant...

I've been working naan stop.

Did you hear about the delivery driver for the local bakery that had 6 extra eyes located all around his head?

He's seen some weird things man but this guy takes the cake.

With lots of restaurants closed, Hooters still remains open for delivery orders...

They just go by Knockers now.

Today I was wearing a shirt with the family crest of my favorite painter Frida Kahlo. After a few hours I started to get hungry and ordered takeout. When my delivery person arrived he handed over my food without taking any money for bringing it to me. I asked him “How come there’s no charge?”

He replied: I was going to charge you, but I noticed you had Frida Livery”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you guys know what makes the difference between a good joke and a bad joke?

The Pizza

Wait no fuck...

I meant the delivery

Now is the best time ever to order delivery pizza and to use that movie from Home Alone when they show up...

Leave it on the doorstep and get the hell outta here you filthy animal!

A delivery man is carrying a box to a house when, suddenly, he drops it:

"Ups!"

[NSFW] A nurse was dating a Doctor and got pregnant...

The married doctor begged her to keep it a secret and asked her to keep away from public eye.

Nine months later,she came to the hospital for delivery.

At the same moment, a priest was admitted for having a large cyst in his prostate gland .

The doctor had an idea. He sedates the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's Mr. Simon's last mail delivery after 40 years of dedicated service.

And as he arrives at the last house on his route, the number of gifts and tokens of appreciation in his overbrimming mail cart is pretty damned impressive.

And it's not without a tear in his eye that he flips the front door's brass mail slot to push the last delivery of his professional life ...

Don’t know what was wrong with the delivery driver this morning.

He was all smiles until I signed his touch screen thing, then he got all shouty and mad.

I was so scared I dropped my sharpie and just closed the door.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

While making a delivery to the proctologist’s office....

I was waiting for the doctor to sign for his package. When he finally came out of the back, he reached for his coat pocket for a pen, but instead pulled out a rectal thermometer. He just stared at it for a moment with a puzzled look on his face and said:

“Well....I guess some asshole has my ...

Delivery...

A delivery guy turns up at the office the other day with a big roll of bubble wrap.
"Where do yo want this, sir?"
Without thinking I replied, "Just pop it in the corner."

Took him three hours.

Badoom tish.

Did you hear about the livestock delivery service?

They...

Sorry, I’ve butchered the delivery

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.