UPJOKE
servicetransporttransportationsupplyshippingdeliverancebringingliverypitchspeechsavingrescuesalvationsalvageball

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In my past life, I was a message delivery man in an army base

One day, I got a letter for Bravo Company, and took off to deliver it as quickly as I could. When I found them they were doing exercises in one of the yards, I walked up to the sergeant to deliver the message.

He took the letter, read it over, folded it and put it in his pocket. Then he yell...

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This is the last straw,I'm now divorcing my wife. At first,it was some drunken one night stand during business trip, then it was her boss, our pool guy, pizza delivery guy , her very own stepbrother and even my own best friend...

I just can't stop sucking cocks ..

It's wrong to call childbirth delivery.

Actually, it's take-out.

OC - I saw a line of delivery scooters parked out the front of a pizza place.

Someone bumped into one of them and it topples over, and knocks down the next one, which knocks down the next one, and the next one.

It was the Domino's effect.

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The corporal at the Motor Pool received a call one day demanding the delivery of a Jeep.

"Sorry, man", said the Corporal, "the last Jeep went out yesterday to Sgt. Fat-Ass McGinty."

The voice on the phone said, "Do you know who this is?"

"No, man," said the Corporal.

"This is Sgt. McGinty!"

After a moment, the Corporal asked, "Well, do you know who *this* is?...

The other day I saw a sausage delivery truck crash.

It took a turn for the wurst.

What does a pizza delivery boy and a gynecologist have in common?

They both can smell it but they cannot eat it.

A pregnant woman enters the delivery room with her husband

The doctor tells them that a new scientific breakthrough has been achieved : A way to transfer pain felt from one person to another. "This way, you can share the pain between the two of you, if you wish." The husband and wife agree.

"Great", says the doctor. "Considering men don't come close ...

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Onestone

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle And whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again, I will kill them!"

The word got arou...

You can joke about anything. You just need the right delivery.

Except abortion jokes, which by definition have no delivery.

Two guys are waiting in front of the delivery room.

The younger guy asks to old man "Was that your daughter they took in?"

-No she is my wife

-Aren't you too old to be a father?

Old man gets angry and yells "So what?"

-Look, my grandfather used to love hunting. Every weekend he would take his gun and go hunt some animal. B...

I think they made a mistake when they named childbirth “delivery”.

It should have been called “takeout” instead.

My Deliveroo delivery guy was called Jesus and had an estimated delivery time of 40 days and 40 nights

Christ on a bike

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Do you guys know what makes the difference between a good joke and a bad joke?

The Pizza

Wait no fuck...

I meant the delivery

I told a joke about miscarriage to a group of women, but none of them laughed.

I guess it was a bad delivery

My online coffee bean order wasn’t eligible for overnight delivery.

They told me they only ship ground.

What do jokes that talk about mailmen always have in common?

They always have a good delivery.

I had to fire the fruit delivery guy today

I really had to let the mango he was driving me bananas

Mrs. Johnson was having her second set of twins: a boy and a girl.

Once again, she fell into a coma before delivery, so it fell to her younger brother to name the newborns. Traditionally, that job would fall to the eldest, but he had lost that privilege after naming her first set of twins Denise and Denephew. When she finally came to, she saw her brother standing b...

One day at Macy's

The department store manager was giving final instructions to the new sales clerk before sending him out onto the floor for the first time.

Said the manager to the clerk, “The most important thing to remember is that we NEVER tell a customer that we don’t have it. Times are tough, and we can’...

I’m starting a food delivery service for zombies

Hello Flesh!

A woman goes into labor and at the hospital the doctor says "through the miracles of science, we've invented a new machine that will transfer the pain of childbirth to your husband. Would you be the first couple to try it out?"

So the husband and wife talk about it and agree that it's only fair that they share the pain together.

They get hooked up to the machine and as she gets further along the husband gets a little skittish and says "ok listen I know this is going to be super painful so let's start it at about 3."...

Two ships crash into each other on a densely foggy day on the ocean.

The two captains (a man and a woman) wind up in the same hospital and they fall in love. They give up their sailing careers to raise a family.

When the wife was almost ready to give birth, they decided it would be really sweet if their child chose a career that would be helpful in preventing...

Joe works as a newspaper delivery man.

He likes his job, but holds a low opinion of the newspaper he works for. He thinks they are sensationalist and have a poor standard of writing. Still, the job pays well and has good benefits, so he tries not to think about it.

One day a man visits the newspaper's office and asks if they have ...

A nurse was dating a doctor and got pregnant.

The married doctor begged her to keep it a secret and asked her to keep away from public eye.

Nine months later,she came to the hospital for delivery.

At the same moment, a priest was admitted for having a large cyst in his prostate gland .

The doctor had an idea. He sedates the...

My friend lost both his jobs today

He was a driver for Amazon but also moonlighted as a stand up comedian. They both fired him for thr same reason too.

They said he needed to work on his delivery.

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Did you hear about Hooters new delivery service?

Boober Eats

Hot Shot CEO

A new company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid he company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business! Th...

If you're funny but you suck at delivery, what do you do?

... you become a writer.

I got T-boned by a construction delivery truck the other day.

It came down like a ton of bricks.

A blonde orders a pizza delivery over the phone.

"Would you like your pizza cut into eight pieces, or ten?" asks the voice on the other end.

"Eight, please," replies the blonde.

When the pizza comes, the blonde notices that the pizza has been mistakenly cut into ten pieces. "Hey!" she says. "I asked for my pizza to be cut into eight ...

I'm gonna start a cocaine delivery service

I'll call it instagram

Men's Helpline for Women

Dear John,

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV.  My car stalled, and then it broke down about a mile down the road, and I had to walk back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He wa...

Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced. “My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!” The bartender inquired. “What makes you say that?” Bill beamed with pride, “Last week, I had to take a couple of sick days from work..."

"Suzie was so thrilled to have me around, that every time a mail or delivery person came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”

What is a cat owner’s favorite delivery service?

The usps pssss psss psss

The delivery man only brought part of my bear costume.

I wanted to choke him with my bear hands.

I asked the bank for a loan to open a "pizza delivery by drone" business.

They refused. Said my business case was just pie in the sky.

What do you call a redneck delivery service?

Hick-UPS

Started a new job as a delivery man today

When I got to my first address there was a little sticky note left on the door saying, "Dear Mr delivery man, we're out, please hide in the garage."




That was eight hours ago and still nobody's found me...

A man and his wife go into the delivery room to give birth. The doctor says, “we have this new machine, where by the flip of a switch, the father can bear some of the pain to ease the mother. Want to try?” The every supportive husband says “sure.”

So, the doctor sets it to 10% and asks the husband how he feels.

“Fine. You can turn it up.”

Surprised, the doctor goes to 20%.

“More. This is easy”

Soon enough, the doctor goes to 30%, then 40, 50, 60, all the way to 100%. “I’ve never gone past the 25% mark” says the d...

A doctor is delivering a baby. The head comes out and the baby says “Hey, you my dad?”. The doctor is shocked, says no and the baby shoots back inside the mother. The doctors calls the gynaecologist over to have a look.

Again the baby’s head pops out, “Hey, you my dad!?” The gynaecologist says no and the baby shoots back inside the mother.

The doctor and gynaecologist decide they better get the father who was too squeamish to be in the delivery room.

So the father looks between his wife’s legs. The b...

I just received notification that delivery of my walking cane has been delayed

The good news is the truck is on the last leg of its trip.

A woman pregnant with twins went into labor suddenly, and fell unconscious during the delivery. The hospital contacted the father and he arrived quickly, just in time to witness the birth of his children.

His wife had not woken up yet, when the hospital staff asked the father what to name his new son and daughter. They had tried for months to decide on the perfect names, but couldn’t reach an agreement, so he did the best he could. When the mother regained consciousness, the father let her know what ...

I have a lower back tattoo, and in the delivery room they absolutely refused to give me an epidural...

I have a lower back tattoo, and in the delivery room they absolutely refused to give me an epidural (or any pain meds at all).

I asked if the tattoo was the reason, and the anesthesiologist said “no, it’s because your wife is the one giving birth, not you, sir.”

I am starting my new venture, a startup healthy food delivery app that will help all to reduce weight dramatically!...

Basically it works as follows: You place your order, and I don't deliver the food at all.

My FedEx delivery guy is also my drug dealer.

He just doesn't know it.

RIP Mitch.

TIL: if you push one pizza delivery man over, all the pizza delivery men fall over.

It's known as the domino's effect.

Why do Amazon Prime drivers make terrible comedians?

Because their delivery takes two days.

Clever.

I tried everywhere to get a Taxi home last night, all were fully booked.

So I went to the local takeaway and ordered a delivery to my address and got in with the driver.

If Hooters started a home delivery service...

would it be called Knockers?

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A blond, brunette and red head are all in the delivery room ready to give birth.

The doctor walks in and goes the the brunette and asks how she prefers to have sex.

When she replies "missionary" he guesses she'll have a boy. A few minutes later, the baby is born and it's a boy.

Then the doctor steps up to the red head and asks how she prefers to have sex.
...

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did i get friendzoned?

a few months ago i met a girl at university, we introduced ourselves and we got along well (i thought)

anyways as the months tick by i saw myself catching feelings for her and i had just built up the courage to ask her out to the movies, so when we next saw each-other (at her house) i thought...

I'm starting a Shakespearean delivery company.

We aim to deliver your parcel tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow.

Do you know which app is best fit to be used in the delivery room?

Discord!

Amazon just got approved for drone delivery

We now have skeet shooting with prizes.

A Chinese delivery guy has a regular customer that he thinks is gorgeous.

He sees her at least once a week, and after a long while he finally works up the nerve to ask her out on a date. She agrees, and a week later the two meet up for dinner. Everything goes well and they wind up back at her place. Soon, it starts getting hot and heavy as they kiss and remove their cloth...

My dog keeps chasing the delivery driver in his truck

He really should know not to leave his keys in the ignition by now.

“Why was the pizza man so bad at telling jokes?

Because he always messed up the delivery.

So my wife and I just had our first child. A man ran into the delivery room and stole our child’s umbilical cord.

The search lasted for days. We thought there was no hope in finding the cord. A few days later we were advised that the man and the cord were found.

He was hiding on a navel base.

I ordered Chinese food yesterday. Small Chinese delivery driver comes to the door, so I walked out to meet him.

He started shouting "isolate, isolate." I said no you're not I only ordered 25 minutes ago!

We tried contactless delivery the other night

It was weird, the baby just kinda floated out of a flesh cave

Just heard that there will be a round of applause for courier and delivery drivers tomorrow

It will be some time between 9am and 5pm.

A delivery man who couldn't get his wife pregnant said his package came in the mail

His package should have came in the female.

A delivery man is carrying a box to a house when, suddenly, he drops it:

"Ups!"

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