UPJOKE
registerrecorddocumentsdocumentdatabasefolderdatalodgechargeimpeachfile cabinetfiling cabinetsingle fileapplicationcomplaint

My wife filed for divorce because I am a weather reporter.

That was not what I predicted

What's a pirate's favourite file type?

.rar

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Mickey Mouse was in divorce court and the judge was looking over his file. Judge: So, Mickey it says here you want to divorce your wife because she’s been acting crazy?

Mickey: No, haha I said she’s fucking Goofy

Why did the musician's wife file for a divorce?

She was sick of the domestic violins.

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Mickey Mouse finds out his wife is cheating, and files for divorce.

He comes home from work one day and says: "Honey, I'm hooooome!"
Thereafter no response. That's weird. He thinks to himself.
He goes about his business, and begins putting his things away when he hears a sound. It's his bead creaking coming from upstairs in his bedroom.
Someone is in my ro...

What is a pdf file

And why is my uncle under arrest for being one

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I just downloaded porn but the file is compressed

sigh.... *unzips*

My wife emailed me our wedding photos, but I couldn’t open any of the files.

I always have trouble with emotional attachments.

I heard Microsoft tried to change the file path separator in Windows

but it received tons of backslash from the community.

--
Source: Aaron Peterson, Twitter.

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Old save file on my N64 says a lot about my self confidence back then

Named myself "DumbButt"

I'm happy to report that I am now a happy adult, replaying my favourite game as SmartAss

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A Bus Full Of Nuns....

......falls of a cliff and they all die.
They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter.
St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-...

what do you call a really small computer file full of pastry recipes?

Little bytes

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A man walks into a hardware store.

Hello sir! Can I help you find something?

I need a file.

Ok, you want one of the flat bastard files?

No, I need one of them round mother fuckers.

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and ...

When I met a girl I liked, I used to put all my favorite things about her surrounded by curly braces inside a Javascript file.

I feel bad about it in hindsight. Now I know it's wrong to objectify women.

Italy's national airline, Alitalia, filed for bankruptcy last week.

I've heard a rumor General Electric's aircraft division might be bidding to acquire it.

Supposedly, the new company would be called Gen-Italia.

Could you imagine if trump actually moved the files from govt servers to a private server?

That would be Hillaryous.

Edit: My first reddit silver! Thank you kindly!

Edit2: reddit gold?! You all are too good to me!

A farmer walks into an lawyer’s office wanting to file for divorce

The attorney asks, “May I help you?” The farmer said, “Yeah, I want to get one of them thar dayvorces.”

The attorney said, “Well do you have any grounds?” The farmer said, “Yeah, I got me about 140 acres.”

The attorney says, “No, you don’t understand. Do you have a case?” The farmer sa...

My dad’s palaeontology files are filling up the family computer

They’re hundreds of trilobites

Why did the burglar file for unemployment?

Everyone was home last year.

What is a microwave's beep sound file called?

Micro.wav

My friend wouldn’t stop talking about file compression

So I told him to “*zip it*”

Why did the coffee file a police report?

it got mugged.

A friend just got an intellectual property lawsuit filed against him.

He told a «your mother» joke to someone, and the target of it claimed he’d come up with that joke first, and demanded compensation.

I have no idea which way it’ll swing, but I’m gonna bring popcorn to the trial where a judge decided whether someone’s mother is fair use or public domain…

A man filed a report to the police that his bag was stolen.

Upon leaving the man's apartment, the officer found the man's bag at the bottom of the stairwell.

It was a brief case.

Why did Thor file a police report?

Because someone stole his thunder.

A Doctor and a Patient are both in a Mental Hospital

Sitting in the Doctors Office, the Doctor struck up a conversation with the Patient:

Doctor: I read here in your file that you recently saved another patient from drowning, is this correct?

Patient: Yes, he shouldn’t have been swimming in the deep end I told him not to

Doctor: W...

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Files in a pint

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman wander into a little old pub in Kildare. They each ask the barman for a pint of Guinness. After the pints are placed onto the bar, three bluebottles drop into each man’s freshly poured pint.

The Englishman pushes his pint away in disgust and orders up...

A bus full of ugly people drives off a cliff.

They all make it to Heaven. When they get there God makes them all form a single-file line before the pearly gates and explains to them that as you enter paradise, you can make one wish, so long as it's not to come back to life or anything that interferes with the world of the living.

The...

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car……

found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.
She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs,
“I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!”.
The four men didn’t wait for a second threat.
They got out and ran lik...

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When I was young my mom grounded me for having a file on pc with the name "boobies pics"

I never understood why bird watching was wrong

A stationery store was broken into. Box files, wall calendars and appointment diaries were stolen.

Police suspect highly organised crime.

The co-founder of Adobe who developed the PDF file format has died.

The funeral viewing will be a closed casket since it's too much trouble trying to open it.

Got arrested today and the cops said they needed to take my fingerprints and put them on file. But when we got to the station, the sergeant said they'd run out of fingerprint ink.

So they just asked for 6 digit passcode instead.

I think they're trying to PIN something on me.

Why can't jokes be saved in a .csv file?

Because they are comma delimited.

(Comedy limited)

A chess grandmaster blundered his rook by moving it from the E file to the F file instead of the G file

What a rook-e mistake!!!

Why did the NRA file for bankruptcy?

Because classes are being taught virtually

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A Kosher Italian funeral

A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walki...

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A husband who filed against his wife appear in court to explain their reasons for seeking a divorce.

The judge is incredulous at the husband's grounds stating "She's a poor housekeeper", so he asks the husband to provide him more details.

"Well Judge. Every time I go to the kitchen to take a piss in the sink, it's always full of dirty dishes!"

Hackers took over our system and won't give us back access to our files until we tell them how good looking they are.

It's a handsomeware attack.

A group of Arab businessmen were gathering for a meeting ...

As they all filed in to take their seats, there was a round of semi-formal greetings exchanged, with many courteously bowed heads.

One attendee rushed in slightly late and sat down, and, unsure of what had already happened, leaned over and whispered to his neighbor, "Has the meeting started y...

On my way to my wedding I got caught in a rain shower and my dress was ruined.

I tried to file a claim with insurance but they said I didn’t have an umbrella policy.

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A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."

He gets her name, address etc. And then asks, "What's your occupation?"

"I'm a prostitute," she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "Let's try to re-phrase that."

The woman sa...

I HATE cutting my nails.

Wife: Why?

Husband: Because then it takes even longer to file them.

Wife: I just put mine in a pile.

I like my girls like my file system...

FAT and 16.

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer.

They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, 'THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to setup a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.' So Satan and Jesus sat do...

My wife said if I don't lose weight then she'll file for a divorce.

Who wants to come over for a pizza tonight?

During his presidency, there were some files that even Obama couldn’t touch.

The \*For Biden\* files.

What is Pinocchio’s father’s favorite wood shaping tool?

A Geppetto file.

Wrote a free file compression program.

I made zip.

[NSFW] Why did the gardeners wife file for a divorce?

Because he didn't want to de-flower her

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Once again this year, I’ve had requests for my Vodka Christmas Cake recipe so here goes. Please keep in your files as I am beginning to get tired of typing this up every year!

*(Made mine this morning!!)*

1 cup sugar,
1 tsp. baking powder,
1 cup water,
1 tsp. salt ,
1 cup brown sugar,
Lemon juice,
4 large eggs,
Nuts,
1 bottle Vodka,
2 cups dried fruit.

Sample a cup of Vodka to check qual...

Mix up

An old man suddenly arrived in Hell in a burst of flames, looking lost and confused
The Devil looked at his paperwork, and frowned. He was unable to find this old man’s data file.

“This can’t be right,” the old man grumbled, looking at the Devil, “I’ve been a good man all my life.”
...

You can actually file a lawsuit against the federal government in the United States. It's a myth that you can't. All you have to do is simply take some specific medication.

And that medication, my friends, is Sudafed®

Look! Magic!

One day, an explorer was captured by native warriors and taken to their chieftain, a gigantic man with teeth filed to dagger-like points. Desperately, the explorer tried to think of a way to save him self. He pulled out his cigarette lighter, held it in front of the chief's face and lit it, exclaimi...

What did Giuliani say when asked if he was going to file more lawsuits?

Darn tootin'

How does Lady Gaga unzip files on windows?

RAR, RAR-ah-ah-ah.

If R. Kelly was a computer file...

He'd be a .pdf file

A bloke goes into the job centre in Newcastle and sees a card advertising for a gynaecologist’s assistant; intrigued, he goes in to find out more…

‘Can you give me some more details about this?’ he says to the guy behind the desk.

The job centre guy sorts through his files and replies, ‘Ah yes, I've had quite a few enquiries about this one; the job involves you getting patients ready for the gynaecologist – you have to help them out of ...

Found a weird .exe file on your computer? Beware!

Could be a set up.

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Funeral procession

A man is jogging in the park one day and witnesses the strangest funeral procession he had ever seen. There was another man walking immediately behind a hearse and in front of it was a second hearse. Behind the man was a line of about 50 men walking single file. Curious, the jogger walked up to the ...

A Two-Fold Accident

A man gets into a car accident along a busy avenue. His car is completely totaled, the bumper fell off, the lights are all shattered, there's glass everywhere. Irate, he gets out of his car and begins to yell at the other driver. The other driver peeks out of his window, wearing a bright orange hat....

Time files when you're having fun

Meanwhile one frog to another, "Times fun when you're having flies"

Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy

so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.

A man is at a police station to file a case.

The cop asked, "¿Mataste al persona?"

To the man replied, "I don't speak Spanish, can you repeat it in English please?"

Cop: "¿Estabas allí cuando ocurrió el asesinato?"

Man: "I don't speak Spanish Sir, I can't understand what you're saying at all."

Cop: "¿Conocías al víc...

Miss piggy has filed for divorce from Kermit the frog...

...cause Kermit converted to Judaism and can no longer eat pork.

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The Brilliant Solution

A soap factory had a problem. They sometimes shipped empty boxes without the bar inside. This challenged their perceived quality with the buyers and distributors. Understanding how important these relationships were, the CEO of the company assembled his top people. Six months and $8 million later, t...

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A school bus full of Catholic girls drives off a cliff and they all die.

A bus filled with 18 year old sheltered Catholic school girls drove off a cliff and they all died. So they all form a single file line in front of the gates of heaven and saint Peter says to the first girl "have you ever touched a man's penis?" And the girl says "yes but just with the tip of my fing...

Back in the DOS days, I wrote a single file program that was a hit.

baseball.bat

Only 10% of Americans file their taxes correctly.

It's hard to believe that 95% of us can't do simple math.

What do a fish and a file have in common?

You shouldn't pet a fish.

Why aren't MS Word files allowed here?

Rule 4: No docx-ing

FYI: The .gif file format is pronounced "jiff"

I know because I joogled it.

If Rolex had an app on PC what would be Its file name?

Rol.exe



Sorry for the trash pun, thought about it while walking in front of rolex

How do you call the actor in the male leading role from the X-files if he commits a murder?

a Mulderer .

I opened my GIF file and there was something wrong with it. The computer screen became blank and the GIF came to life. The man from the GIF rushed toward me , said something and sprinted out of my room

He said "I'll be back in a GIPHY"

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New Job!!

A young guy living in Boston recently became unemployed and he immediately went to the nearest job center where he noticed a flyer pinned to the job board seeking a "Gynecologist's Assistant to work at a newly-built 'Soothing Approach Gynecology Center', no experience required".
He was very inter...

Thoughtful Drug dealer.

A man gets pulled over by a police officer, and the cop pulls him out of the car and asks "Do you have anything I should know about before I look in there?". The guy shrugs his shoulders and the cop begins looking in the car. He pops the trunk and finds a kilo of coke. He holds it up and turns back ...

A doctor, a lawyer, and a biologist are discussing the costs and benefits of having an affair.

The doctor says no one should ever have an affair. It creates too much anxiety and it's bad for your health.

The lawyer says it's OK to have an affair as long as you don't tell your wife. If you tell your wife, she might file for a divorce and it's bad for your pocketbook.

The biologis...

Gillian Anderson of the x files just lost custody of her 12 year old boy following a long legal battle.

She is now Gillian Withouterson.

Baby, I hope you are an ISO file

cuz I wanna mount you.

What does a Jedi use to open files?

Adobe-wan Kenobi

If you search "pig" on Google Images, every image has the same file type.

They're all .jpigs.

if you added the letters S and E to the X files

it would be the X-ES Files. haha excess files. way too many files lol

Where do you file uncategorized rocket items?

Under missile-enious.

My operating system just deleted half my files.

I knew I should’ve never installed ThanOS.

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A large group of first year medical school students filed into a lab...

...during their first week, for the first meeting of their gross anatomy class where they would be examining human cadavers. The professor walked to the front of the room, and addressed the students:


"The most important quality you will need as a physician is unfazability. Nothing can '...

What's a furry's favorite file storage format?

.rawr

Do you file your nails?

I throw mine away.

What message does a Quantum-Computer return when you're viewing a file?

"Do you want to save those changes?"

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If you send your nudes in a compressed file...

...they have to unzip to see you naked.

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I found an archived file of pornographic images today.

*unzips*

I got sent a 50gb .zip file from my friend. I don't know what's it's for but

sigh *unzips*

Dinosaur file transfer

How does a dinosaur send files from one computer to another?

First, he puts them in a .RAR

My friends secretly downloaded a 700MB exe file into my laptop.

I think it's a huge setup.

Getting a file out of the archives

Coworker: "Hey, can you get this file out of the archive for me?"

Me: "This is the fifth time this week you've asked for a file from the archive."

Coworker: "I know. I'm sorry. But please, I really need that file."

Me: sigh \*unzips\*

I just found out about these things called "mods" that can alter game files.

They're absolutely game changing.

Every time someone is arrested for a crime in Florida, they have to write a long text file describing their motivations for the crime and how it was carried out, so the police can add it to their registry.

Which is why all the stuff that happens in Florida seems so weird without the con-text.

3 moles are digging underground in a single-file line.

The first mole stops digging and says, “I smell syrup!”

The second mole lifts up its head and says, “I smell honey!”

The mole in the back yells, “I smell mole-asses!”

Why do police have file cabinets?

For organized crime.

Bosnian X-Files

In Sarajevo hospital, at intensive care unit, a patient would die every single Friday at exactly 11 PM, in the very same bed, no matter what their medical condition may have been.

Doctors became extremely worried because they couldn't determine causes of their deaths.

Time passed on a...

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