UPJOKE
registerrecorddocumentsdocumentdatabasefolderdatalodgechargeimpeachdata filefile awayfile cabinetfiling cabinetindian file

Could you imagine if trump actually moved the files from govt servers to a private server?

That would be Hillaryous.

Edit: My first reddit silver! Thank you kindly!

Edit2: reddit gold?! You all are too good to me!

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I just downloaded porn but the file is compressed

sigh.... *unzips*

A man filed a report to the police that his bag was stolen.

Upon leaving the man's apartment, the officer found the man's bag at the bottom of the stairwell.

It was a brief case.

Why did the musician's wife file for a divorce?

She was sick of the domestic violins.

I like my girls like my file system...

FAT and 16.

Why do computers hate going to their file storage?

Because it's a hard drive.

My wife emailed me our wedding photos, but I couldn’t open any of the files.

I always have trouble with emotional attachments.

During his presidency, there were some files that even Obama couldn’t touch.

The \*For Biden\* files.

What is a pdf file

And why is my uncle under arrest for being one

Where do file transfers get drunk?

The progress bar.

Why did the coffee file a police report?

Because it got mugged!

The Twitter Files...

... are now the X-Files

A family of ducks filed for bankruptcy.

They had too many bills.

What is a microwave's beep sound file called?

Micro.wav

What's a pirate's favourite file type?

.rar

A hillbilly walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for divorce...

Attorney: "May I help you?"

Hillbilly: "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces".

Attorney: "Well do you have any grounds?"

Hillbilly: "Yea, I got about a hundred acres."

Attorney: "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"

Hillbilly: "No, I don't have a Cas...

A chess grandmaster blundered his rook by moving it from the E file to the F file instead of the G file

What a rook-e mistake!!!

if you added the letters S and E to the X files

it would be the X-ES Files. haha excess files. way too many files lol

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Boobs are like JPEG files

Enlarging loses some quality.

I used to sell office supplies to the mafia, file cabinets and label makers and such

I was involved in very organized crime

FYI: The .gif file format is pronounced "jiff"

I know because I joogled it.

What does a Jedi use to open files?

Adobe-wan Kenobi

How do Frenchmen share files?

Pierre to Pierre.

Be careful about emails from weird addresses with long links or strange files attached

They could be from your parents

I heard Microsoft tried to change the file path separator in Windows

but it received tons of backslash from the community.

--
Source: Aaron Peterson, Twitter.

Why did Thor file a police report?

Because someone stole his thunder.

Why did the burglar file for unemployment?

Everyone was home last year.

My wife filed for divorce because I am a weather reporter.

That was not what I predicted

How did the MP3 file say goodbye to the WAV file?

Audios.

why did the woman file for divorce from her Snickers addicted husband?

No it's not because his weight ballooned (shame on you, you fat-shamers), it's because he went nuts.

My friend wouldn’t stop talking about file compression

So I told him to “*zip it*”

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Files in a pint

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman wander into a little old pub in Kildare. They each ask the barman for a pint of Guinness. After the pints are placed onto the bar, three bluebottles drop into each man’s freshly poured pint.

The Englishman pushes his pint away in disgust and orders up...

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and ...

Why wouldn't the 1 GB file let her kids near the 1 PB file?

Because he's a petafile.

If R. Kelly was a computer file...

He'd be a .pdf file

Why did the NRA file for bankruptcy?

Because classes are being taught virtually

Baby, I hope you are an ISO file

cuz I wanna mount you.

Wrote a free file compression program.

I made zip.

Found a weird .exe file on your computer? Beware!

Could be a set up.

Why can't jokes be saved in a .csv file?

Because they are comma delimited.

(Comedy limited)

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Mickey Mouse finds out his wife is cheating, and files for divorce.

He comes home from work one day and says: "Honey, I'm hooooome!"
Thereafter no response. That's weird. He thinks to himself.
He goes about his business, and begins putting his things away when he hears a sound. It's his bead creaking coming from upstairs in his bedroom.
Someone is in my ro...

what do you call a really small computer file full of pastry recipes?

Little bytes

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An upset man has filed a lawsuit against Nirvana over the band's iconic 1991 album cover.

Sounds like a baby just trying to grab some money.

Dinosaur file transfer

How does a dinosaur send files from one computer to another?

First, he puts them in a .RAR

An old man calls his son and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister and tell her," and he hangs up.

Now, the son is worried. He calls his sister. She says, "Like...

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Mickey Mouse was in divorce court and the judge was looking over his file. Judge: So, Mickey it says here you want to divorce your wife because she’s been acting crazy?

Mickey: No, haha I said she’s fucking Goofy

[NSFW] Why did the gardeners wife file for a divorce?

Because he didn't want to de-flower her

Italy's national airline, Alitalia, filed for bankruptcy last week.

I've heard a rumor General Electric's aircraft division might be bidding to acquire it.

Supposedly, the new company would be called Gen-Italia.

My dad’s palaeontology files are filling up the family computer

They’re hundreds of trilobites

Do you file your nails?

I throw mine away.

Got asked to help unlock a PDF file today...

I said no way, we should be concentrating on locking them up!

Only 10% of Americans file their taxes correctly.

It's hard to believe that 95% of us can't do simple math.

The co-founder of Adobe who developed the PDF file format has died.

The funeral viewing will be a closed casket since it's too much trouble trying to open it.

Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy

so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.

Where do you file uncategorized rocket items?

Under missile-enious.

I suggested an awesome product name and slogan for marketers of a data file decompression utility, but they wouldn't take me up on it.

The company's stupid focus groups thought it was inappropriate.

I mean, come on, what's wrong with:

"SIGH unzips"?

A friend just got an intellectual property lawsuit filed against him.

He told a «your mother» joke to someone, and the target of it claimed he’d come up with that joke first, and demanded compensation.

I have no idea which way it’ll swing, but I’m gonna bring popcorn to the trial where a judge decided whether someone’s mother is fair use or public domain…

My wife said if I don't lose weight then she'll file for a divorce.

Who wants to come over for a pizza tonight?

Bosnian X-Files

In Sarajevo hospital, at intensive care unit, a patient would die every single Friday at exactly 11 PM, in the very same bed, no matter what their medical condition may have been.

Doctors became extremely worried because they couldn't determine causes of their deaths.

Time passed on a...

Time files when you're having fun

Meanwhile one frog to another, "Times fun when you're having flies"

What do a fish and a file have in common?

You shouldn't pet a fish.

Why do police have file cabinets?

For organized crime.

How does Lady Gaga unzip files on windows?

RAR, RAR-ah-ah-ah.

What's a furry's favorite file storage format?

.rawr

A man is at a police station to file a case.

The cop asked, "¿Mataste al persona?"

To the man replied, "I don't speak Spanish, can you repeat it in English please?"

Cop: "¿Estabas allí cuando ocurrió el asesinato?"

Man: "I don't speak Spanish Sir, I can't understand what you're saying at all."

Cop: "¿Conocías al víc...

Why aren't MS Word files allowed here?

Rule 4: No docx-ing

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The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were all very excited.

The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were all very excited.

Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on salesmanship.

Little Sally led off. "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30" she said proudly. "My sales approach was to appeal to the custom...

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A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."

He gets her name, address etc. And then asks, "What's your occupation?"

"I'm a prostitute," she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "Let's try to re-phrase that."

The woman sa...

What do you call an IT teacher who touches up his students?

A PDF file

Getting a file out of the archives

Coworker: "Hey, can you get this file out of the archive for me?"

Me: "This is the fifth time this week you've asked for a file from the archive."

Coworker: "I know. I'm sorry. But please, I really need that file."

Me: sigh \*unzips\*

What did Giuliani say when asked if he was going to file more lawsuits?

Darn tootin'

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If you send your nudes in a compressed file...

...they have to unzip to see you naked.

Back in the DOS days, I wrote a single file program that was a hit.

baseball.bat

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A group of golfers get stuck behind a really slow group

Four golfers (a doctor, a lawyer, a priest, and an engineer) are stuck behind a really slow group of golfers. They start to get frustrated, so they call up the course's pro.

"Hey, how come you're letting guys like this on the course? They're hitting their balls all over the place, spending wa...

Miss piggy has filed for divorce from Kermit the frog...

...cause Kermit converted to Judaism and can no longer eat pork.

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I found an archived file of pornographic images today.

*unzips*

Sitting down at my work desk, all my files are gone...

... and I'm asking myself : Who let the .docx out?

What is Bugs Bunny's favorite computer file?

What's up.doc

3 moles are digging underground in a single-file line.

The first mole stops digging and says, “I smell syrup!”

The second mole lifts up its head and says, “I smell honey!”

The mole in the back yells, “I smell mole-asses!”

A stationery store was broken into. Box files, wall calendars and appointment diaries were stolen.

Police suspect highly organised crime.

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A school bus full of Catholic girls drives off a cliff and they all die.

A bus filled with 18 year old sheltered Catholic school girls drove off a cliff and they all died. So they all form a single file line in front of the gates of heaven and saint Peter says to the first girl "have you ever touched a man's penis?" And the girl says "yes but just with the tip of my fing...

How do clowns store files?

They store them on a flash drive with 32 gigglebytes of space.

I never use TurboTax to file my taxes.

I'm just not Intuit.

Man, it's gonna take FOREVER to decompress this file

Sigh. *unzips*

How to audio files say hi to one another?

They just .wav

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When I was young my mom grounded me for having a file on pc with the name "boobies pics"

I never understood why bird watching was wrong

Why Jesus never loses his files?

Because Jesus saves...

How to hide your important files from people without making Hidden folders

1. Go to your Desktop and make a new folder named Internet Explorer
2. Change the folder's icon to Internet Explorer
3. Keep it in your favorite corner of the desktop

Now, no one will open internet explorer!

My friends secretly downloaded a 700MB exe file into my laptop.

I think it's a huge setup.

If Rolex had an app on PC what would be Its file name?

Rol.exe



Sorry for the trash pun, thought about it while walking in front of rolex

What genre would Trump's autobiography be filed under?

Fan fiction.

What message does a Quantum-Computer return when you're viewing a file?

"Do you want to save those changes?"

Why did the farmer’s wife file for divorce?

She came home to see him plowing with a hoe.

A Chinese husband files for divorce.

The judge asks, "What's the reason?" The man replies, "Me no come, she no come, but baby come. How come?"

My operating system just deleted half my files.

I knew I should’ve never installed ThanOS.

If you add S to EX files...

You get EX-S files. Get it? Excess files haha

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From the Peddy File...

JoAnne recently noticed she had hair growing between her legs. Frantic, she asks the doctor what's going on.

"And I'm getting these lumps on my chest too," she cries.

"Now dear," smiles the old doctor, "there's nothing to worry about. You're entering puberty. Everyone gets hair down t...

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What file format does Gordon Ramsay take photos in?

FUCKING RAW!

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Mickey Mouse files for divorce

The divorce court judge says "Micky, I can't determine from your statement whether the grounds for divorce are insanity or infidelity."

Mickey says, "your honor, I don't know how it could be more clear, Minnie Mouse is fucking goofy."

I created an MS word file and named it "ME"

Now, I hope God will save ME.

When I met a girl I liked, I used to put all my favorite things about her surrounded by curly braces inside a Javascript file.

I feel bad about it in hindsight. Now I know it's wrong to objectify women.

If you search "pig" on Google Images, every image has the same file type.

They're all .jpigs.

What do you call it when two Frenchmen share files?

Pierre-to-Pierre transfer.

"I've a downloaded copy of Prince Harry's book 'Spare'. Do you wish to read it?"

"Is it a pdf file?"



"Nope, thats his uncle. A totally different Prince"

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Mickey Mouse files for a divorce.

A few days later he gets a call from his lawyer, who says

“Mickey, I’m sorry, but you can’t divorce Minnie just because you think she’s crazy.”

Mickey replies

“I didn’t say she was crazy, I said she was fucking Goofy.”

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