My wife said if I don't lose weight then she'll file for a divorce.

Who wants to come over for a pizza tonight?

Hertz Rent-a-car has filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy.

The government later offered to upgrade them to chapter 12 for just five more bucks a day.

A man filed a report to the police that his bag was stolen

Upon leaving the mans apartment, the officer found the mans bag at the bottom of the stairwell

it was a brief case

Credit to : u/CommonSchemeForYou

What's a dinosaur's favorite type of file?

A RAR file

If R-Kelly was a computer file

He'd be a .pdf file

Could you imagine if trump actually moved the files from govt servers to a private server?

That would be Hillaryous.

Edit: My first reddit silver! Thank you kindly!

Edit2: reddit gold?! You all are too good to me!

I just found out about these things called "mods" that can alter game files.

They're absolutely game changing.

Do you file your nails?

I prefer to bin them

Bosnian X-Files

In Sarajevo hospital, at intensive care unit, a patient would die every single Friday at exactly 11 PM, in the very same bed, no matter what their medical condition may have been.

Doctors became extremely worried because they couldn't determine causes of their deaths.

Time passed on a...

A French computer scientist has come up with a quick way of transferring files electronically.

It’s called a Pierre to Pierre network.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once again this year, I’ve had requests for my Vodka Christmas Cake recipe so here goes. Please keep in your files as I am beginning to get tired of typing this up every year!

*(Made mine this morning!!)*

1 cup sugar,
1 tsp. baking powder,
1 cup water,
1 tsp. salt ,
1 cup brown sugar,
Lemon juice,
4 large eggs,
Nuts,
1 bottle Vodka,
2 cups dried fruit.

Sample a cup of Vodka to check qual...

What do Jedi use to open PDF files?

Adobe wan kenobi

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bus full of Nuns falls off a cliff and they all die.

They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all through the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line." And they do so. St. Peter turns to ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A large group of first year medical school students filed into a lab...

...during their first week, for the first meeting of their gross anatomy class where they would be examining human cadavers. The professor walked to the front of the room, and addressed the students:


"The most important quality you will need as a physician is unfazability. Nothing can '...

During his presidency, there were some files that even Obama couldn’t touch.

The \*For Biden\* files.

I file a lawsuit against the airport because I lost my bag in there.

Let’s just say that I lost the case.

My wife emailed me a photo of our first date together. But I could not open the file ..

I have trouble with emotional attachments

Why did the chicken cross the road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

Joe Biden:...

What do you call a computer teacher who touches his students?

A PDF file!

Why did the man get arrested after illegally downloading "Every Breath You Take"?

The file was created by The Police as part of a Sting operation.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The worst joke I can remember [NSFW] Warning: This joke is long and terrible

A woman was driving through a remote section of desert at night, thoroughly lost. Suddenly, a coyote ran into the road ahead of her! Slamming on the brakes, the woman was astounded to see a man come running from out of the darkness toward the coyote. In one smooth motion, the strange man took his...

Where do you file uncategorized rocket items?

Under missile-enious.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Factual Headlines

Day 1: A famous priest arrives in Seattle airport gets accosted by a reporting asking, "Sir, what are your thoughts about Seattle prostitutes?"

The priest responded, "There are prostitutes in Seattle?"

*News headline the next day: "Famed priest asks about prostitutes upon arriving Seat...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Where does a dyslexic porn addict keep his files?

On his hard diks.

I opened my GIF file and there was something wrong with it. The computer screen became blank and the GIF came to life. The man from the GIF rushed toward me , said something and sprinted out of my room

He said "I'll be back in a GIPHY"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a hardware store...

you know the type, the independent store that barely survives and sells EVERYTHING, but rarely has a customer, how they are still trading is a miracle. Anyway, the man approaches the counter and asks the shopkeeper "I need a budgie file".

"A budgie file?" The shopkeeper muses out-loud, "not h...

A cigar smoker bought several hundred expensive cigars

And had them insured against fire. After he'd smoked them all, he filed a claim, pointing out that the cigars had been destroyed by fire. The company refused to pay, and the man sued. A judge ruled that because the insurance company had agreed to insure against fire, it was legally responsible. The ...

A hillbilly walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for divorce.

Attorney: "May I help you?"

Hillbilly: "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces".

Attorney: "Well do you have any grounds?"

Hillbilly: "Yea, I got about a hundred acres."

Attorney: "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"

Hillbilly: "No, I don't have a Cas...

A guy has been charged with a crime.

It was selling a potion that makes the person that drinks it immortal, upon inspecting his file, they found him charged with the same crime in 2012, 1980, 1897 and 1769.

My parents are both mimes, but they’ve recently filed for divorce.

They just don’t communicate.

Getting a file out of the archives

Coworker: "Hey, can you get this file out of the archive for me?"

Me: "This is the fifth time this week you've asked for a file from the archive."

Coworker: "I know. I'm sorry. But please, I really need that file."

Me: sigh \*unzips\*

Why did the coffee file a police report?

He got mugged!!

Due to less pollution in the air

cloud files are clearly visible now

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three surgeons are arguing what type of person is the easiest to perform surgery to

The first one says:
"Well, it's obviously librarians, because all of their organs are filed down in alphabetical order, and nothing is ever out of place!"

The second one answers:
"I disagree, the best people to operate upon are engineers; Their organs are very strictly placed exactly ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Surgery can now provide you with the attributes of animals as body enhancements, such as gorilla arms for strength.

A complaint was filed, however, when a man got an elephant trunk to replace his penis:

"It's great and all but now I can't hang out with my friends much at taverns cuz while we're seated the trunk grabs some peanuts from the bar and sticks them in my asshole."

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives.



To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman says, "Well...uh...

This compressed file contains a dirty joke.

Sigh *unzips*

What file system do Weight Watchers' computers use?

exFAT

Chemical Plant Fire

One dark night outside a small town a fire started inside the local chemical plant. Before long it exploded into flames and an alarm went out to fire departments from miles around. After fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, "All of ou...

If Rolex had an app on PC what would be Its file name?

Rol.exe



Sorry for the trash pun, thought about it while walking in front of rolex

My operating system just deleted half my files.

I knew I should’ve never installed ThanOS.

Only 10% of Americans file their taxes correctly.

It's hard to believe that 95% of us can't do simple math.

A group of students are doing their end-of-year exams.

The old beady-eyed moderator in charge of the classroom stared towards the clock at the end of the room as the students furiously scribbled down the remainder of their answers, knowing that time was almost up.

Minutes later, the clock struck a new hour and the exam was over.

“YOUR TIM...

What do I do with this large file I want to send to you?

Zip it!

No, really... Zip it!

If you search "pig" on Google Images, every image has the same file type.

They're all .jpigs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a saloon, draws his gun and shoots the piano player dead.

“I’ve been itching to do that for a long time,” he says, “that
bloody noise has been driving me mad.”

The barman beckons the man to one side.

“Mind if I give you a bit of advice, Mister? If I were you I
would file off any sharp edges on your gun and grease the
barrel.”

...

How do clowns store files?

They store them on a flash drive with 32 gigglebytes of space.

How did the MP3 file say goodbye to the WAV file?

Audios.

The lions roar was so big that when I compressed it ..

it turned out to be a " .Rawr " file.

My waterproof speaker got damaged when I threw it into the pool.

I filed a request for a replacement but they denied my request saying, "It's not our fault the pool was empty".

The other day I downloaded the maps of Wales, England, Scotland and Northern Ireland for an assignment...

was shocked to see that the total file size was 1GB.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you send your nudes in a compressed file...

...they have to unzip to see you naked.

Back in the DOS days, I wrote a single file program that was a hit.

baseball.bat

I've been in jail 3 times and filed for bankruptcy

I hate playing Monopoly

Found a weird .exe file on your computer? Beware!

Could be a set up.

‪I was passionately following my dreams.‬

They felt threatened, and filed for a restraining order. ‬

‪Now I’m not allowed anywhere within 200mtr of their presence. ‬

Be wary of a Florida senior with a gun.

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.

She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, “I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!”. Th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

New HR policy

Dear Employee:

As a result of the reduced budget, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.


Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase...

Do you file your nails?

I throw mine away.

3 moles are digging underground in a single-file line.

The first mole stops digging and says, “I smell syrup!”

The second mole lifts up its head and says, “I smell honey!”

The mole in the back yells, “I smell mole-asses!”

Husband files for divorce. In the court, judge asks why, he says - she doesn't satisfy me.

The wife replies - the entire neighborhood is satisfied, he is the only one always complaining.

What genre would Trump's autobiography be filed under?

Fan fiction.

My friends secretly downloaded a 700MB exe file into my laptop.

I think it's a huge setup.

What message does a Quantum-Computer return when you're viewing a file?

"Do you want to save those changes?"

Dinosaur file transfer

How does a dinosaur send files from one computer to another?

First, he puts them in a .RAR

If you add S to EX files...

You get EX-S files. Get it? Excess files haha

if you added the letters S and E to the X files

it would be the X-ES Files. haha excess files. way too many files lol

I like my girls like my file system...

FAT and 16.

How to audio files say hi to one another?

They just .wav

Knock Knock:

Priest: Knock Knock

Choir Boy: Who's there?

Priest: Pedal

Choir Boy: Pedal who?

Priest: Pedal-file

Choir Boy: I don't get it?

Priest: You soon will

Last week I went to the AT&T headquarters in Dallas to file a formal complaint about their poor wireless coverage

When I walked into the lobby no one was there. There was a front desk with a few phones and computers. Taped to the back of one of the monitors was a note:

"Currently no receptionist in this area"

What do you call it when two Frenchmen share files?

Pierre-to-Pierre transfer.

I got sent a 50gb .zip file from my friend. I don't know what's it's for but

sigh *unzips*

I never use TurboTax to file my taxes.

I'm just not Intuit.

Why does the Vatican Buy Encryption Software?

To hide all their .pdf files

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day Bill was out raking leaves when he saw a hearse drive by...

followed by a second hearse, followed by man solemnly walking a dog, and then a line of two hundred men walking in single file.

Intrigued, Bill questioned the man following the second hearse, “Who is that in the first hearse?”

The man replied, “My wife.”

Bill said, “I’m sorry. W...

What's a furry's favorite file storage format?

.rawr

If everyone on Earth stood in a single file line around the equator

most of them would drown.

What does David Bowie call his OpenDocument files?

space.odt

I need to file a complaint about a hostile work environment

The elevator keeps telling me I’m going down.

The attorney filed a motion for a new trial. The judge barked angrily "On what grounds!?"

"Your honor," the lawyer explained, "my client has discovered some money that I didn't know he had."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mickey Mouse files for a divorce.

A few days later he gets a call from his lawyer, who says

“Mickey, I’m sorry, but you can’t divorce Minnie just because you think she’s crazy.”

Mickey replies

“I didn’t say she was crazy, I said she was fucking Goofy.”

How to hide your important files from people without making Hidden folders

1. Go to your Desktop and make a new folder named Internet Explorer
2. Change the folder's icon to Internet Explorer
3. Keep it in your favorite corner of the desktop

Now, no one will open internet explorer!

Why do police have file cabinets?

For organized crime.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Fuck all of my word files disappeared...

who let the .docx out?

The IRS has made a major announcement.

All Marijuana Dealers must file a joint tax return.

Where did Epstein keep his friends’ contact info?

PDF files

A young man and a young woman met at a party, fell in love and moved in together.

Soon, some say too soon after that, they got married. As the newlyweds didn’t have a car, the mother of the bride decided to gift them the family heirloom, a 1965 Mustang GT350 that the brides grandfather had been racing back in the day.

For a while all was well and the bride and the groom sp...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is in an hospital bed wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth

‘Nurse’, he mumbles, ‘Are my test results back?’

The nurse is taken aback at this request but maintains a professional face and walks over to his chart.
She raises the file and rifles though the pages with one hand.
She take a close look and says ‘there nothing wrong here sir’.

...

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer.

They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.

Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. Th...

Sitting down at my work desk, all my files are gone...

... and I'm asking myself : Who let the .docx out?

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.