Could you imagine if trump actually moved the files from govt servers to a private server?

That would be Hillaryous.

Edit: My first reddit silver! Thank you kindly!

Edit2: reddit gold?! You all are too good to me!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once again this year, I’ve had requests for my Vodka Christmas Cake recipe so here goes. Please keep in your files as I am beginning to get tired of typing this up every year!

*(Made mine this morning!!)*

1 cup sugar,
1 tsp. baking powder,
1 cup water,
1 tsp. salt ,
1 cup brown sugar,
Lemon juice,
4 large eggs,
Nuts,
1 bottle Vodka,
2 cups dried fruit.

Sample a cup of Vodka to check qual...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why Did Mrs. Claus File for Divorce?

Because Santa Only Cums Once a Year

My wife emailed me the pictures of our first trip together, but I couldn’t open any of the files.

I always have trouble with emotional attachments.

The French have come up with a more efficient way of sharing files electronically.

It’s a Pierre-to-Pierre network.

During his presidency, there were some files that even Obama couldn’t touch.

The \*For Biden\* files.

Where do you file uncategorized rocket items?

Under missile-enious.

What program do Jedis use to open PDF files?

Adobe Wan Kenobi

I opened my GIF file and there was something wrong with it. The computer screen became blank and the GIF came to life. The man from the GIF rushed toward me , said something and sprinted out of my room

He said "I'll be back in a GIPHY"

What do you call an IT teacher who touches his student?

PDF file.

Getting a file out of the archives

Coworker: "Hey, can you get this file out of the archive for me?"

Me: "This is the fifth time this week you've asked for a file from the archive."

Coworker: "I know. I'm sorry. But please, I really need that file."

Me: sigh \*unzips\*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Where does a dyslexic porn addict keep his files?

On his hard diks.

I filed a police report about my missing bag yesterday and a few hours later, the cops called to say that they found it.

It was a brief case.

My parents are both mimes, but they’ve recently filed for divorce.

They just don’t communicate.

Why did the coffee file a police report?

He got mugged!!

A man filed a report to the police that his bag was stolen.

Upon leaving the man's apartment, the officer found the man's bag at the bottom of the stairwell.

It was a brief case.

A hillbilly walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for divorce.

Attorney: "May I help you?"

Hillbilly: "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces".

Attorney: "Well do you have any grounds?"

Hillbilly: "Yea, I got about a hundred acres."

Attorney: "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"

Hillbilly: "No, I don't have a Cas...

What's T-rex's favorite file extension?

.rar

This compressed file contains a dirty joke.

Sigh *unzips*

Every time someone is arrested for a crime in Florida, they have to write a long text file describing their motivations for the crime and how it was carried out, so the police can add it to their registry.

Which is why all the stuff that happens in Florida seems so weird without the con-text.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A large group of first year medical school students filed into a lab...

...during their first week, for the first meeting of their gross anatomy class where they would be examining human cadavers. The professor walked to the front of the room, and addressed the students:

"The most important quality you will need as a physician is unfazability. Nothing can '...

Accomplished comedian, Sinbad, has recently filed for bankruptcy the second time...

I guess you could say things have gone from Sinbad to Sinworse

A young man and a young woman met at a party, fell in love and moved in together.

Soon, some say too soon after that, they got married. As the newlyweds didn’t have a car, the mother of the bride decided to gift them the family heirloom, a 1965 Mustang GT350 that the brides grandfather had been racing back in the day.

For a while all was well and the bride and the groom sp...

If R. Kelly was a computer file...

He'd be a .pdf file

What do I do with this large file I want to send to you?

Zip it!

No, really... Zip it!

My operating system just deleted half my files.

I knew I should’ve never installed ThanOS.

If Rolex had an app on PC what would be Its file name?

Rol.exe



Sorry for the trash pun, thought about it while walking in front of rolex

Christers

Three buildings in town were overrun by squirrels—the town hall, the hardware store, and the church. The town hall brought in some cats. But after they tore up all the files, the mayor got rid of the predators, and soon the squirrels were back.
The hardware store humanely trapped the squirrels an...

If you search "pig" on Google Images, every image has the same file type.

They're all .jpigs.

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*emailing dick pic

Computer: Insert file

Me: ok *browse the file

Computer: Try again

Me: *did it again

Computer: Try again

Me: *tries again

Computer: Harder!

Me: what?

Computer: what

How did the MP3 file say goodbye to the WAV file?

Audios.

Only 10% of Americans file their taxes correctly.

It's hard to believe that 95% of us can't do simple math.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rookie hunter walks into a gun shop and asks the owner about the optimal modification for his pistol to better deal with brown bears.

With little hesitation the owner says to file down the front sights.

Intrigued the rookie asks how such a simple modification will help. The owner replies, "Well... It will hurt less when the bear shoves it up your ass."

Why did the document go to jail?

It was a .pdf file.

How do clowns store files?

They store them on a flash drive with 32 gigglebytes of space.

I've been in jail 3 times and filed for bankruptcy

I hate playing Monopoly

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(NSFW) A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die.

They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line." And they do so. St. Peter turns to t...

A man walks into his new job.

He notices a two drawer filing cabinet that is unmarked sitting by his desk, he turns to his coworker and asks.

"Whats in the filing cabinet, I never need actual files."

"The top drawer is not for your eyes, its top secret."

The man asks "Can you at least tell me what is in the ...

If you send your nudes in a compressed file...

...they have to unzip to see you naked.

How do you delete important files on your computer permanently?

Update to the Windows 10 October Update

3 moles are digging underground in a single-file line.

The first mole stops digging and says, “I smell syrup!”

The second mole lifts up its head and says, “I smell honey!”

The mole in the back yells, “I smell mole-asses!”

Husband files for divorce. In the court, judge asks why, he says - she doesn't satisfy me.

The wife replies - the entire neighborhood is satisfied, he is the only one always complaining.

Do you file your nails?

I throw mine away.

JESUS WAS BORED so he went to God, his father and asked him, "Dad, give me something to do, I am bored! "

"Take a file and smooth the top of the Himalayas," said God.
After 7,000 years Jesus came back again. "And now what can I do?" he asked God again.
God gave him a spoon and told him to empty the Indian Ocean.
After 7,000 years, he was back again. "It's done... and now?" he asked God. ...

My friends secretly downloaded a 700MB exe file into my laptop.

I think it's a huge setup.

Back in the DOS days, I wrote a single file program that was a hit.

baseball.bat

What genre would Trump's autobiography be filed under?

Fan fiction.

What do you call a computer file that likes children?

A PDFFile

Khrushchev was giving a speech when a heckler in the audience shouted "Why did you never speak out against Stalin?"

Straight away Khrushchev bellowed "WHO SAID THAT?" and there was a rattle of safeties being taken off by his bodyguards. Nobody spoke. Khrushchev bellowed even louder "**WHO. SAID. THAT?!**". He gave a signal, one gesture of his hand. More armed men filed into the hall and stared intently down e...

Found a weird .exe file on your computer? Beware!

Could be a set up.

Dinosaur file transfer

How does a dinosaur send files from one computer to another?

First, he puts them in a .RAR

What message does a Quantum-Computer return when you're viewing a file?

"Do you want to save those changes?"

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives.

To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman says, "Well...uh...that'...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy sees a huge funeral procession in the center of town...

He sees a huge police escort, followed by 2 hearses, a man walking a German Shepherd and 100 people waking single file behind this parade...

The procession stops for a minute and he goes up to the man and asks? What the hell is going on???

The man quietly answers...

My wife is ...

If you add S to EX files...

You get EX-S files. Get it? Excess files haha

Last week I went to the AT&T headquarters in Dallas to file a formal complaint about their poor wireless coverage

When I walked into the lobby no one was there. There was a front desk with a few phones and computers. Taped to the back of one of the monitors was a note:

"Currently no receptionist in this area"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do nazi programmers greet one another?

Zip! File!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind
the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking
a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men
walking in single file.

The Jewish man couldn't stand the curio...

I never use TurboTax to file my taxes.

I'm just not Intuit.

I got sent a 50gb .zip file from my friend. I don't know what's it's for but

sigh *unzips*

How to audio files say hi to one another?

They just .wav

If everyone on Earth stood in a single file line around the equator

most of them would drown.

What do you call it when two Frenchmen share files?

Pierre-to-Pierre transfer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A father and son go on a nature expedition in Alaska.

On their first day, they meet their guide who gives them a rundown of everything they can expect during their trip. During the conversation, the son notices a very large caliber pistol strapped to the ranger's side. "Wow, that's a big pistol" he comments, "What do you use it for?" "Well son, this is...

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer.

They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.

Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. Th...

if you added the letters S and E to the X files

it would be the X-ES Files. haha excess files. way too many files lol

The attorney filed a motion for a new trial. The judge barked angrily "On what grounds!?"

"Your honor," the lawyer explained, "my client has discovered some money that I didn't know he had."

What's a furry's favorite file storage format?

.rawr

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mickey Mouse files for a divorce.

A few days later he gets a call from his lawyer, who says

“Mickey, I’m sorry, but you can’t divorce Minnie just because you think she’s crazy.”

Mickey replies

“I didn’t say she was crazy, I said she was fucking Goofy.”

What does David Bowie call his OpenDocument files?

space.odt

I need to file a complaint about a hostile work environment

The elevator keeps telling me I’m going down.

I like my girls like my file system...

FAT and 16.

One dark night in Dublin, a fire started inside the local chemical plant . . .

In a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fireman in charge and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the...

Why do police have file cabinets?

For organized crime.

Man, it's gonna take FOREVER to decompress this file

Sigh. *unzips*

A college student calls the admissions office

'Hi, my last name is Sweady, but on my acceptance letter, its listed as Cyirwu, is there a way to fix it?'

'Sorry about that, could you spell it for me? I'll try and update your file.'

'Sure, S as in sea, W as in why, E as in eye, A as in are, D as in 'double-u', and Y as in you.

What do you call an old man who's into wooden boys?

A Gepetto-file.

There are only two types of files. SWF and NSWF

Shockwave files and non-shockwave files

A man woke up to find his car missing

The man and his wife rushed to the nearest police station to file the complaint. They went back with their sad faces and continued their routine work. But the life is full of surprises when the man got up the next morning he saw his car in his own garage completely washed and polished.

He saw...

Dating a girl that has a child...

... it's like "Continuing" another dude's "Save File".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Fuck all of my word files disappeared...

who let the .docx out?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the woman in a coma?

Day 1. So there's a woman in hospital in a coma, the nurse is giving her the daily flannel wash. She cleans the lady down as per usual until she got to her lady parts, she notices the woman's finger twitch as she cleans.

Day 2. The nurse is giving the lady in coma her wash again when a simila...

How to hide your important files from people without making Hidden folders

1. Go to your Desktop and make a new folder named Internet Explorer
2. Change the folder's icon to Internet Explorer
3. Keep it in your favorite corner of the desktop

Now, no one will open internet explorer!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I found an archived file of pornographic images today.

*unzips*

Why Jesus never loses his files?

Because Jesus saves...

I created an MS word file and named it "ME"

Now, I hope God will save ME.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Gynaecologist’s Assistant

A young man goes into the Job Center in Downtown Los Angeles and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he goes to learn more.

"Can you give me some more details?" he asks the clerk.

The clerk pulls up the file and says, "The job entails getting the ladies ...

Sitting down at my work desk, all my files are gone...

... and I'm asking myself : Who let the .docx out?

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