This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just downloaded porn but the file is compressed

sigh.... *unzips*

Why can't jokes be saved in a .csv file?

Because they are comma delimited.

(Comedy limited)

A farmer walks into an lawyer’s office wanting to file for divorce

The attorney asks, “May I help you?” The farmer said, “Yeah, I want to get one of them thar dayvorces.”

The attorney said, “Well do you have any grounds?” The farmer said, “Yeah, I got me about 140 acres.”

The attorney says, “No, you don’t understand. Do you have a case?” The farmer sa...

Wrote a free file compression program.

I made zip.

What did Giuliani say when asked if he was going to file more lawsuits?

Darn tootin'

My wife said if I don't lose weight then she'll file for a divorce.

Who wants to come over for a pizza tonight?

Why aren't MS Word files allowed here?

Rule 4: No docx-ing

After 5 years of marriage, a couple filed for divorce.

The court was finalizing their divorce when the Judge looked to the couple and said; "You've got 3 kids, how will you divide them?"

The couple then had a long conversation between the two of them. "We'll be back after 1 year." They said.

9 months later, they had twins.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."

He gets her name, address etc. And then asks, "What's your occupation?"

"I'm a prostitute," she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "Let's try to re-phrase that."

The woman sa...

My wife emailed me our wedding photos but I couldn’t open any of the files.

I have serious trouble with emotional attachments.

What is a microwave's beep sound file called?

Micro.wav

[NSFW] Why did the gardeners wife file for a divorce?

Because he didn't want to de-flower her

Cardi B just filed for divorce from her husband for cheating on her with her thinner twin sister

Cardi O

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After getting married, the woman filed for divorce the very next morning...........

Judge: "I don't understand, what happened?"

Woman: "I work in a pharmacy. I met him when he first came there last week and asked to purchase an X-X-X-X-L condom. That's when I thought, for a happy pleasureful life, I should get him to marry me before any other girls find out and lap him up."...

Miss piggy has filed for divorce from Kermit the frog...

...cause Kermit converted to Judaism and can no longer eat pork.

The police recently arrested a man selling "secret formula" tablets he claimed gave eternal youth.

When going through their files they noticed it was the fifth time he was caught for committing this same criminal medical fraud.He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983..

Could you imagine if trump actually moved the files from govt servers to a private server?

That would be Hillaryous.

Edit: My first reddit silver! Thank you kindly!

Edit2: reddit gold?! You all are too good to me!

Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy

so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.

You can actually file a lawsuit against the federal government in the United States. It's a myth that you can't. All you have to do is simply take some specific medication.

And that medication, my friends, is Sudafed®

Gillian Anderson of the x files just lost custody of her 12 year old boy following a long legal battle.

She is now Gillian Withouterson.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A school bus full of Catholic girls drives off a cliff and they all die.

A bus filled with 18 year old sheltered Catholic school girls drove off a cliff and they all died. So they all form a single file line in front of the gates of heaven and saint Peter says to the first girl "have you ever touched a man's penis?" And the girl says "yes but just with the tip of my fing...

What do you call an IT teacher who touches up his students?

A PDF File.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A trial in UK

A young woman who was several months pregnant was sitting in a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on seeing him laughing more. She filed a court case on hi...

A man is at a police station to file a case.

The cop asked, "¿Mataste al persona?"

To the man replied, "I don't speak Spanish, can you repeat it in English please?"

Cop: "¿Estabas allí cuando ocurrió el asesinato?"

Man: "I don't speak Spanish Sir, I can't understand what you're saying at all."

Cop: "¿Conocías al víc...

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and...

Today I heard 24-hour Fitness filed for bankruptcy.

I guess they ran out of time.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once again this year, I’ve had requests for my Vodka Christmas Cake recipe so here goes. Please keep in your files as I am beginning to get tired of typing this up every year!

*(Made mine this morning!!)*

1 cup sugar,
1 tsp. baking powder,
1 cup water,
1 tsp. salt ,
1 cup brown sugar,
Lemon juice,
4 large eggs,
Nuts,
1 bottle Vodka,
2 cups dried fruit.

Sample a cup of Vodka to check qual...

Why did the chicken cross the road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

Joe Biden:...

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3 men die and go to Heaven

3 men die and go to Heaven. St Peter meets them and starts reviewing their files.

He starts talking to the first guy: “I see that you lived a good life, but you cheated on your wife 30 times. That’s not very good, but not bad enough to send you to hell. So you can stay in heaven, but you’ll h...

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A woman was driving through a remote section of desert at night and was thoroughly lost.

Suddenly, a coyote ran into the road ahead of her. Slamming on the brakes, the woman was astounded to see a man come running from out of the darkness toward the coyote. In one smooth motion, the strange man took his pants down, grabbed the coyote by it's back legs and began furiously sodomizing the ...

If R-Kelly was a computer file

He'd be a .pdf file

What's a dinosaur's favorite type of file?

A RAR file

A man filed a report to the police that his bag was stolen

Upon leaving the mans apartment, the officer found the mans bag at the bottom of the stairwell

it was a brief case

Credit to : u/CommonSchemeForYou

An American, a German and an Arabian prince brag about who has the largest family.

The American says: "I got 5 kids. Only one more and I have an complete ice hockey team."

The German replies: "You amateur. I got 10 kids. Only one more and I can send a complete foootball (soccer) team onto the filed."

The Arabian prince then replies: "That's nothing... I've got 17 wiv...

During his presidency, there were some files that even Obama couldn’t touch.

The \*For Biden\* files.

I just found out about these things called "mods" that can alter game files.

They're absolutely game changing.

I was fired from an insect repellent company for being dyslexic, so I smashed all their computers.

There’s no files on me.

Yo mama so FAT

She can't store files larger than 4 GB.

A French computer scientist has come up with a quick way of transferring files electronically.

It’s called a Pierre to Pierre network.

What do Jedi use to open PDF files?

Adobe wan kenobi

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mickey Mouse went to his lawyer

He walked in the door, sat down, and sighed.

“I want to divorce Minnie, haha” he said.

“I’m terribly sorry to hear that Mr. Mouse,” the lawyer said. “You’ve been a famous couple for decades — it’s really a shame to see you break up.”

“Yes, it’s bad,” Mickey said, “but this is t...

Peta

What does peta call their documents? The peta files.

What kind of computer virus attacks kids

A PDF file

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A large group of first year medical school students filed into a lab...

...during their first week, for the first meeting of their gross anatomy class where they would be examining human cadavers. The professor walked to the front of the room, and addressed the students:


"The most important quality you will need as a physician is unfazability. Nothing can '...

Bosnian X-Files

In Sarajevo hospital, at intensive care unit, a patient would die every single Friday at exactly 11 PM, in the very same bed, no matter what their medical condition may have been.

Doctors became extremely worried because they couldn't determine causes of their deaths.

Time passed on a...

I file a lawsuit against the airport because I lost my bag in there.

Let’s just say that I lost the case.

Russian joke: a tourist gets pulled over by a cop in Russia.

Cop: You were speeding! I am going to confiscate your driver's license and I'm calling for a tow truck to take away your car.

Tourist: But I need to get to the airport and the car is a rental!

Cop: I dont care.

Tourist: Please, be be reasonable, you cant do this!

Cop: We...

Why did the engineer cross the road?

Because he looked in the files and that's what they did last time.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bus full of Nuns falls off a cliff and they all die.

They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all through the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line." And they do so. St. Peter turns to ...

I’ve tried asking for relationship advice on Reddit

I learnt many ways to file a divorce instead

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Where does a dyslexic porn addict keep his files?

On his hard diks.

A university student placed an inter-library loan request for Your Mom

The file was too large to be delivered.

Ways To Get Rid Of Telemarketers

An old one, but a good one…

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for Bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, “How are you today?” say, “Why do you want to know?” Or you can say, “I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care...

Parents should be cautious about having there kids do virtual learning...

The internet has a lot of PDF files.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little girl has her first day at a new school...

Her teacher asks her what her name is and the girl replies "It's Happy Butt." The teacher says in disbelief "That's not your name. Go see the principal."

She walks into the principal's office and the secretary asks for her name and the girl replies "It's Happy Butt." The secretary says in dis...

Where do you file uncategorized rocket items?

Under missile-enious.

What do you call a package of documents sent via boat?

Pier to pier file transfer!

I opened my GIF file and there was something wrong with it. The computer screen became blank and the GIF came to life. The man from the GIF rushed toward me , said something and sprinted out of my room

He said "I'll be back in a GIPHY"

Why were older computers heavier?

Because they used a FAT file system!

You are allowed to send e-mails to people in prison

As long as you don't attach a file

Why can’t the scanned document go 50 feet near a school?

Because it’s a registered PDF file.

My parents are both mimes, but they’ve recently filed for divorce.

They just don’t communicate.

Why did the coffee file a police report?

He got mugged!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A toothpaste factory had a problem

Due to the way the production line was set up, sometimes empty boxes were shipped without the tube inside. People with experience in designing production lines will tell you how difficult it is to have everything happen with timings so precise that every single unit coming off of it is perfect 100% ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Italian Funeral

A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walki...

Chad wants to divorce his wife.

He files a court case and during the hearing, the judge asks him why.

He respond by saying - she doesn't satisfy me anymore.

The wife quickly replies - Your honor, the entire neighborhood is satisfied with me, he is the only one who's never happy.

My operating system just deleted half my files.

I knew I should’ve never installed ThanOS.

If Rolex had an app on PC what would be Its file name?

Rol.exe



Sorry for the trash pun, thought about it while walking in front of rolex

Only 10% of Americans file their taxes correctly.

It's hard to believe that 95% of us can't do simple math.

The investigator was awoken by the rookie opening his office door...

He shuffles in, manilla folder in hand.

*"Another murder case?"* he'd ask.

The rookie would nod, sliding the file over to the investigator.

Upon opening it, thousands of crows filled the room.

My Work Joke

Here is how my file name changes over the course of few days before submitting for approvals.

DB support Business Case Approval.pptx


DB support Business Case Approval v1.pptx


DB support Business Case Approval v1.1.pptx


DB support Business Case Approval v1.2....

Found a weird .exe file on your computer? Beware!

Could be a set up.

Back in the DOS days, I wrote a single file program that was a hit.

baseball.bat

If you search "pig" on Google Images, every image has the same file type.

They're all .jpigs.

Every time someone is arrested for a crime in Florida, they have to write a long text file describing their motivations for the crime and how it was carried out, so the police can add it to their registry.

Which is why all the stuff that happens in Florida seems so weird without the con-text.

Where on a computer do you store the results if COVID-19 tests?

In the swab file.

What do I do with this large file I want to send to you?

Zip it!

No, really... Zip it!

How do clowns store files?

They store them on a flash drive with 32 gigglebytes of space.

if you added the letters S and E to the X files

it would be the X-ES Files. haha excess files. way too many files lol

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you send your nudes in a compressed file...

...they have to unzip to see you naked.

How did the MP3 file say goodbye to the WAV file?

Audios.

What genre would Trump's autobiography be filed under?

Fan fiction.

A telemarketer called me up 15 minutes ago on my cellphone (they call every fxxking day)

He said, "We have a vehicle warranty and have noticed that you are in need of one."

I said, "How do you know that I am in need of a warranty right now?"

He said, "Your previous warranty just recently lapsed and we need to make sure that you are continually covered."

I said, "I a...

A Czech joke translation

Since we're all translating jokes, this is one I heard when I lived in Prague. FYI, it was a big hit when I told it in Sweden using Norway as the other country.

So an incredibly nefarious criminal escapes from prison in the Czech Republic. Rumor is he went across the border to Slovakia. So th...

Do you file your nails?

I throw mine away.

I've been in jail 3 times and filed for bankruptcy

I hate playing Monopoly

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Medical Exams

Two brothers enlisting in the army were having their medical exams. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises.

“How do you account for this?” he asked the brothers.

“It’s hereditary, sir,” the older one re...

What do you call a computer file that likes children?

A PDFFile

3 moles are digging underground in a single-file line.

The first mole stops digging and says, “I smell syrup!”

The second mole lifts up its head and says, “I smell honey!”

The mole in the back yells, “I smell mole-asses!”

How to audio files say hi to one another?

They just .wav

My friends secretly downloaded a 700MB exe file into my laptop.

I think it's a huge setup.

The Court has decided Elon Musk will be Granted Sole Custody of Child X Æ A-12 After Divorce from Wife Grimes

Since he filed for and was awarded the patent back in March of 2019

I just downloaded my Biology notes but couldn’t open them.

We were studying the helicase. I then had to Unzip the file to open

What message does a Quantum-Computer return when you're viewing a file?

"Do you want to save those changes?"

If you add S to EX files...

You get EX-S files. Get it? Excess files haha

Dinosaur file transfer

How does a dinosaur send files from one computer to another?

First, he puts them in a .RAR

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