My wife emailed me our wedding photos, but I couldn’t open any of the files.

I always have trouble with emotional attachments.

When I met a girl I liked, I used to put all my favorite things about her surrounded by curly braces inside a Javascript file.

I feel bad about it in hindsight. Now I know it's wrong to objectify women.

What do Hogwarts students use to read PDF files?

They use Adobby

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just downloaded porn but the file is compressed

sigh.... *unzips*

The Devil sat at the gates of hell... (Story Joke)

An old man suddenly arrived in a burst of flames, looking confused and lost. The Devil looked at his paperwork, and frowned. He was unable to find this old man’s data file.

“This can’t be right,” the old man grumbled, looking at the Devil, “I’ve been a good man my whole life.”

The Dev...

Why did the NRA file for bankruptcy?

Because classes are being taught virtually

Time files when you're having fun

Meanwhile one frog to another, "Times fun when you're having flies"

A chess grandmaster blundered his rook by moving it from the E file to the F file instead of the G file

What a rook-e mistake!!!

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and ...

A farmer walks into an lawyer’s office wanting to file for divorce

The attorney asks, “May I help you?” The farmer said, “Yeah, I want to get one of them thar dayvorces.”

The attorney said, “Well do you have any grounds?” The farmer said, “Yeah, I got me about 140 acres.”

The attorney says, “No, you don’t understand. Do you have a case?” The farmer sa...

Why can't jokes be saved in a .csv file?

Because they are comma delimited.

(Comedy limited)

What's the file extension of the Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer intro?

.rar

Wrote a free file compression program.

I made zip.

What is a microwave's beep sound file called?

Micro.wav

What did Giuliani say when asked if he was going to file more lawsuits?

Darn tootin'

Could you imagine if trump actually moved the files from govt servers to a private server?

That would be Hillaryous.

Edit: My first reddit silver! Thank you kindly!

Edit2: reddit gold?! You all are too good to me!

My wife said if I don't lose weight then she'll file for a divorce.

Who wants to come over for a pizza tonight?

After 5 years of marriage, a couple filed for divorce.

The court was finalizing their divorce when the Judge looked to the couple and said; "You've got 3 kids, how will you divide them?"

The couple then had a long conversation between the two of them. "We'll be back after 1 year." They said.

9 months later, they had twins.

Why aren't MS Word files allowed here?

Rule 4: No docx-ing

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."

He gets her name, address etc. And then asks, "What's your occupation?"

"I'm a prostitute," she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "Let's try to re-phrase that."

The woman sa...

The police recently arrested a man selling "secret formula" tablets he claimed gave eternal youth.

When going through their files they noticed it was the fifth time he was caught for committing this same criminal medical fraud.He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983..

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of new space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all ot...

[NSFW] Why did the gardeners wife file for a divorce?

Because he didn't want to de-flower her

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A group of golfers get stuck behind a really slow group

Four golfers (a doctor, a lawyer, a priest, and an engineer) are stuck behind a really slow group of golfers. They start to get frustrated, so they call up the course's pro.

"Hey, how come you're letting guys like this on the course? They're hitting their balls all over the place, spending wa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Four surgeons are discussing their favorite patients to work on.

The first surgeon to speak says "librarians are my favorite; when you cut them open, everything inside is alphabetical filed."

The next surgeon replies "I prefer to work on accountants, because everything is in numerical order."

The third surgeon rebuttles "electricians are the best, w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After getting married, the woman filed for divorce the very next morning...........

Judge: "I don't understand, what happened?"

Woman: "I work in a pharmacy. I met him when he first came there last week and asked to purchase an X-X-X-X-L condom. That's when I thought, for a happy pleasureful life, I should get him to marry me before any other girls find out and lap him up."...

Cardi B just filed for divorce from her husband for cheating on her with her thinner twin sister

Cardi O

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy living in Kansas hears a voice in his head one day...

And this god like voice in his head says "LEAVE YOUR FAMILY, SELL EVERYTHING YOU OWN AND GO TO RENO, NEVADA"

The guy ignores it at first, and for as long as he can, but it just won't stop "SELL EVERYTHING, TAKE EVERY PENNY YOU HAVE, GO TO RENO"

So finally he can't take it anymore and h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A school bus full of Catholic girls drives off a cliff and they all die.

A bus filled with 18 year old sheltered Catholic school girls drove off a cliff and they all died. So they all form a single file line in front of the gates of heaven and saint Peter says to the first girl "have you ever touched a man's penis?" And the girl says "yes but just with the tip of my fing...

Miss piggy has filed for divorce from Kermit the frog...

...cause Kermit converted to Judaism and can no longer eat pork.

Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy

so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.

Got asked to help unlock a PDF file today...

I said no way, we should be concentrating on locking them up!

You can actually file a lawsuit against the federal government in the United States. It's a myth that you can't. All you have to do is simply take some specific medication.

And that medication, my friends, is Sudafed®

Gillian Anderson of the x files just lost custody of her 12 year old boy following a long legal battle.

She is now Gillian Withouterson.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once again this year, I’ve had requests for my Vodka Christmas Cake recipe so here goes. Please keep in your files as I am beginning to get tired of typing this up every year!

*(Made mine this morning!!)*

1 cup sugar,
1 tsp. baking powder,
1 cup water,
1 tsp. salt ,
1 cup brown sugar,
Lemon juice,
4 large eggs,
Nuts,
1 bottle Vodka,
2 cups dried fruit.

Sample a cup of Vodka to check qual...

A man filed a report to the police that his bag was stolen.

Upon leaving the man's apartment, the officer found the man's bag at the bottom of the stairwell.

It was a brief case.

A man is at a police station to file a case.

The cop asked, "¿Mataste al persona?"

To the man replied, "I don't speak Spanish, can you repeat it in English please?"

Cop: "¿Estabas allí cuando ocurrió el asesinato?"

Man: "I don't speak Spanish Sir, I can't understand what you're saying at all."

Cop: "¿Conocías al víc...

Today I heard 24-hour Fitness filed for bankruptcy.

I guess they ran out of time.

During his presidency, there were some files that even Obama couldn’t touch.

The \*For Biden\* files.

If you keep following your dreams...

They’re going to file a restraining order.

If R-Kelly was a computer file

He'd be a .pdf file

What do you call an IT teacher who touches up his students?

A PDF File.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 men die and go to Heaven

3 men die and go to Heaven. St Peter meets them and starts reviewing their files.

He starts talking to the first guy: “I see that you lived a good life, but you cheated on your wife 30 times. That’s not very good, but not bad enough to send you to hell. So you can stay in heaven, but you’ll h...

One day, a man stole a copy of the Bible.

The rightful owner filed a police report, but there was no evidence left behind nor any leads on who might've stolen it, so the case fell to the wayside. As there was nothing particularly special about this Bible compared to other copies, the rightful owner bought a new copy and forgot about the ord...

Hey, I have a good joke

Robinhood wants to file for IPO this year.

I just found out about these things called "mods" that can alter game files.

They're absolutely game changing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A trial in UK

A young woman who was several months pregnant was sitting in a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on seeing him laughing more. She filed a court case on hi...

Why did the chicken cross the road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

Joe Biden:...

Bosnian X-Files

In Sarajevo hospital, at intensive care unit, a patient would die every single Friday at exactly 11 PM, in the very same bed, no matter what their medical condition may have been.

Doctors became extremely worried because they couldn't determine causes of their deaths.

Time passed on a...

A French computer scientist has come up with a quick way of transferring files electronically.

It’s called a Pierre to Pierre network.

What do Jedi use to open PDF files?

Adobe wan kenobi

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A large group of first year medical school students filed into a lab...

...during their first week, for the first meeting of their gross anatomy class where they would be examining human cadavers. The professor walked to the front of the room, and addressed the students:


"The most important quality you will need as a physician is unfazability. Nothing can '...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman was driving through a remote section of desert at night and was thoroughly lost.

Suddenly, a coyote ran into the road ahead of her. Slamming on the brakes, the woman was astounded to see a man come running from out of the darkness toward the coyote. In one smooth motion, the strange man took his pants down, grabbed the coyote by it's back legs and began furiously sodomizing the ...

I file a lawsuit against the airport because I lost my bag in there.

Let’s just say that I lost the case.

Happy December 32nd!

Trump just filed a suit to officially make December four years long.

An American, a German and an Arabian prince brag about who has the largest family.

The American says: "I got 5 kids. Only one more and I have an complete ice hockey team."

The German replies: "You amateur. I got 10 kids. Only one more and I can send a complete foootball (soccer) team onto the filed."

The Arabian prince then replies: "That's nothing... I've got 17 wiv...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Where does a dyslexic porn addict keep his files?

On his hard diks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Your hair smells nice.

Everyday a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the water cooler, inhales deeply then tells her "your hair smells nice." A weeks of this and she can't stand it anymore, she takes her complaint to a supervisor in personnel and states she wants to file a sexual harassment grie...

If companies made toasters.

If IBM made toasters... They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.

If Microsoft made toasters... Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You w...

Yo mama so FAT

She can't store files larger than 4 GB.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bus full of Nuns falls off a cliff and they all die.

They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all through the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line." And they do so. St. Peter turns to ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One of the best I've ever heard: "The Graveyard Couple"

Mr. and Mrs. Thompkins, who've been very happy together for 12 years, currently, are experiencing a phase of boredom and stagnation. To change things up, Mr. Thompkins gets an idea: Have sex in a near-by graveyard.

With a mix of reluctance and excitement, Mrs. Thompkins agrees and they go off...

I opened my GIF file and there was something wrong with it. The computer screen became blank and the GIF came to life. The man from the GIF rushed toward me , said something and sprinted out of my room

He said "I'll be back in a GIPHY"

My parents are both mimes, but they’ve recently filed for divorce.

They just don’t communicate.

Where do you file uncategorized rocket items?

Under missile-enious.

Russian joke: a tourist gets pulled over by a cop in Russia.

Cop: You were speeding! I am going to confiscate your driver's license and I'm calling for a tow truck to take away your car.

Tourist: But I need to get to the airport and the car is a rental!

Cop: I dont care.

Tourist: Please, be be reasonable, you cant do this!

Cop: We...

My operating system just deleted half my files.

I knew I should’ve never installed ThanOS.

I was fired from an insect repellent company for being dyslexic, so I smashed all their computers.

There’s no files on me.

Why did the coffee file a police report?

He got mugged!!

What kind of computer virus attacks kids

A PDF file

Only 10% of Americans file their taxes correctly.

It's hard to believe that 95% of us can't do simple math.

If Rolex had an app on PC what would be Its file name?

Rol.exe



Sorry for the trash pun, thought about it while walking in front of rolex

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mickey Mouse went to his lawyer

He walked in the door, sat down, and sighed.

“I want to divorce Minnie, haha” he said.

“I’m terribly sorry to hear that Mr. Mouse,” the lawyer said. “You’ve been a famous couple for decades — it’s really a shame to see you break up.”

“Yes, it’s bad,” Mickey said, “but this is t...

Peta

What does peta call their documents? The peta files.

Why did the engineer cross the road?

Because he looked in the files and that's what they did last time.

Getting a file out of the archives

Coworker: "Hey, can you get this file out of the archive for me?"

Me: "This is the fifth time this week you've asked for a file from the archive."

Coworker: "I know. I'm sorry. But please, I really need that file."

Me: sigh \*unzips\*

Found a weird .exe file on your computer? Beware!

Could be a set up.

I like my girls like my file system...

FAT and 16.

Back in the DOS days, I wrote a single file program that was a hit.

baseball.bat

If you search "pig" on Google Images, every image has the same file type.

They're all .jpigs.

if you added the letters S and E to the X files

it would be the X-ES Files. haha excess files. way too many files lol

What file system do Weight Watchers' computers use?

exFAT

Every time someone is arrested for a crime in Florida, they have to write a long text file describing their motivations for the crime and how it was carried out, so the police can add it to their registry.

Which is why all the stuff that happens in Florida seems so weird without the con-text.

How do clowns store files?

They store them on a flash drive with 32 gigglebytes of space.

What do I do with this large file I want to send to you?

Zip it!

No, really... Zip it!

What genre would Trump's autobiography be filed under?

Fan fiction.

I’ve tried asking for relationship advice on Reddit

I learnt many ways to file a divorce instead

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you send your nudes in a compressed file...

...they have to unzip to see you naked.

What do you call a package of documents sent via boat?

Pier to pier file transfer!

Parents should be cautious about having there kids do virtual learning...

The internet has a lot of PDF files.

How did the MP3 file say goodbye to the WAV file?

Audios.

How to audio files say hi to one another?

They just .wav

Husband files for divorce. In the court, judge asks why, he says - she doesn't satisfy me.

The wife replies - the entire neighborhood is satisfied, he is the only one always complaining.

Do you file your nails?

I throw mine away.

Accomplished comedian, Sinbad, has recently filed for bankruptcy the second time...

I guess you could say things have gone from Sinbad to Sinworse

What do you call a computer file that likes children?

A PDFFile

A university student placed an inter-library loan request for Your Mom

The file was too large to be delivered.

Why were older computers heavier?

Because they used a FAT file system!

I've been in jail 3 times and filed for bankruptcy

I hate playing Monopoly

Ways To Get Rid Of Telemarketers

An old one, but a good one…

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for Bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, “How are you today?” say, “Why do you want to know?” Or you can say, “I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care...

3 moles are digging underground in a single-file line.

The first mole stops digging and says, “I smell syrup!”

The second mole lifts up its head and says, “I smell honey!”

The mole in the back yells, “I smell mole-asses!”

My friends secretly downloaded a 700MB exe file into my laptop.

I think it's a huge setup.

If you add S to EX files...

You get EX-S files. Get it? Excess files haha

What message does a Quantum-Computer return when you're viewing a file?

"Do you want to save those changes?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little girl has her first day at a new school...

Her teacher asks her what her name is and the girl replies "It's Happy Butt." The teacher says in disbelief "That's not your name. Go see the principal."

She walks into the principal's office and the secretary asks for her name and the girl replies "It's Happy Butt." The secretary says in dis...

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