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Postman Jokes

Johnny sits at the bar staring at his drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig, and menacingly says, “Well thank you! Whatcha gonna to do about it?"

Johnny burst into tears. "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying. What’s your problem?"

"This is the worst day of my life," Johnny says. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot...

I asked my wife, “I’m stuck on a crossword clue—Overworked Postman— can you help me?”

She said, “Sure. How many letters?”

I said, “I’m guessing—too many.”

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Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally, sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska, as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it’s total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it, and a huge, bearded man is standing there. “Name’s Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Hav...

I scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked.

I'm not sure what scared him more. My naked body or the fact I knew where he lived

Q: What's the secret to telling a good postman joke?

A: It's all in the delivery

The neighborhood postman was retiring after 30 years.

On his last day of delivering mail, all of the people on his route left him something in the mail box in honor of his retirement. Some left money, some left small gifts, and some met him at the door and invited him in for a drink.

As he was putting the mail in the mailbox of the last house, t...

Husband: I heard a rumor that the postman's slept with all the women on our street, except for one.

Wife: I bet it's that's snooty Priscilla Quinn in Number 12.

Don't upset your Postman

He knows where you live.

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The postman’s last day before retirement.

It was the letter carrier’s last day on the job after 35 years. Along his entire route, his customers were on hand toggle him well wishes and small gifts. He came to the last house on the route. As he approached the door, a beautiful woman in a negligee opened the door, took him inside and made craz...

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Albert the village postman is retiring after 50 years on the job

So he puts on his satchel and collects his last mailbag from the post office, and sets out on his last round.

He drops off a few letters at the local library. The librarian smiles and presents him with a leather bound volume of The Complete Works of Charles Dickens: "Here you are, Albert. We...

Jim: "I gave the postman a big shock today - I went to the door without any clothes on."

Jack: "Surely he has seen stuff like that before."

Jim: "Yes, but what really surprised him was that I knew where he lived."

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The Postman

Walter the mail carrier was delivering mail and a few packages to Mrs. Petersen, a gorgeous housewife, right before Christmas. Mrs. Petersen was stunning and always had a kind word, unlike her arrogant prick of a husband. It was a cold morning, and as Walter was dropping off her mail, Mrs. Petersen ...

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Legless parrot

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh. I wonder what happened to this Parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy shit," the guy replies. "You actually...

One of my friend recently started working as a postman

I asked him why are you working for such underpaying job?

He said, "it's not about money it's about sending message"

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The boss's wife is jealous of the young sexy secretary.

The boss's wife is jealous of the young sexy secretary. She wants to fire her for a trivial matter.
The secretary defends herself: "You're just frustrated because I climax faster than you!
The boss' wife wonders surprised: "Did my husband tell you that?"
"No, the postman!"

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I women was cheating on her husband , look how he discovered .

A husband was sitting in a public place with his friend whose name was Jack , they were chatting and a girl came to Jack and start kissing him and telling him that she messed him and such kind of these stuff and it goes like that with almost every girl that walked by .
The husband was suprised " ...

What vegetable can be delivered by a postman?

Lettuce

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The retiring postman

A Postman was retiring after 35 years of service.

The town's people appreciated his work and presented him different gifts.

In one house a young lady took him to her bedroom gave him good sex, a lavish lunch and a fiver.

The Postman was very happy and asked

\- "But why ...

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Postman Pat was retiring...

...and all his post round wished him well, many giving him presents. His last call was to a beautiful blond, and as soon as he put the letters in the box, she opened the door, grabbed him by the shirt, dragged him to the bedroom and had wild sex with him.
Afterwards, heading out, the beautiful b...

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A gold one

Man walks into a pet shop and sees a parrot for only $50. Standing next to the cage the man asks, "I wonder why he is so cheap?" "Because I am defective," came the reply. "I've got no legs." A little surprised the man asked, "Well how do you stay on your perch?" The parrot draws him closer and whisp...

I've only opened three birthday cards and I'm already £150 up!

God I love being a postman

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A Postman's Last Day

A Postman, after years on the same route, was on his last day before retirement. He was cherished by all on his route. And every door was one gift after another, celebrating the beloved postman. He received gift after gift.

Then coming up to another home on the route, he sees a blonde in sexy...

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A postman is on his last day at work.

The people on his route all know and like him, and as he does his rounds on his last day people give him cards and little gifts.

When he gets to one house, the door opens and the lady of the house invites him in. She takes him to the table and serves him a beautiful breakfast. Afterwards, sh...

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The postman is retiring

The postman is retiring so everyone in the neighborhood decide to give him a retiring gift.

He goes to the house of this blonde girl. She invites him to lunch and feeds him a lovely 3 course meal. Then she takes him to the bedroom and fucks him hard. Then she gives him ten dollars.

The...

My postman friend gets really angry when I tell everyone what he does for a living.

I call him a mail escort.

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It's Dale's last day as a postman

25 years he's been delivering the mail to the same neighborhood. When it was time to retire, he let everyone know ahead of time, that way if there was an issue with their mail, they new it would be a new letter carrier. As he made his way along his route, he found little going away gifts from some t...

What’s a postman’s favourite organ?

It’s the liver!!

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The postman's last day

The postman was retiring and on his final day, some people on his route decided to thank him by giving him gifts. On his last house on his route, a beautiful blonde lady comes out and asks if he'd like to come in with her. The postman agrees and he ends up spending the night with her. He wakes up th...

The postman told me he was going on holiday to spain tomorrow

I asked if he was going to parcelona

I quit my job as a postman the first day right after they handed me my first letter to deliver.

I looked at it and thought, “This isn’t for me.”

This is a good joke to play on others. Pretend you're trying to solve a crossword puzzle- and say aloud "Postman -blank-. Any ideas?"

They'll likely say something like "Postman Pat" to which you reply- "no that doesn't fit.".

Then- if they're not completely thick- they should ask "How many letters?" and you tell 'em "A SACKFUL!"

Then they'll leave in disgust.

The postman said he'd hold my package till I got home...

it was an uncomfortable walk.

What do you call a fake postman?

An imposter

[NSFW] "Are you having an affair with the postman" I confronted my wife.

"I'm not surprised that you would be jealous of a guy who is in and out of the house in 2 minutes". She replied

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I ordered a sex toy

I ordered a sex-toy off the internet, a 1:1 scale replica of my wife's vagina. When it was due to be delivered I sat anxiously at the window, waiting for the postman. Finally, he came struggling down my path with a big tatty box in his hands, all dented and the flaps torn and blowing around in the b...

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On a fine Monday morning Dave the postman was walking around his usual root, delivering mail.

He saw that at the next house both cars were in the driveway, he’s a bit shocked by this but he sees the homeowner, Greg, walking out with a ton of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles to go into the recycling bin.

Dave looks for a moment and then says “We’ll damn, you guys sure had one hell o...

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The postman and kisses dilevery .

There was a postman who is always happy. in the other side there is harry who would just stares at the happy postman everyday and asks himself "What's the secret of this man".
One day Harry decided to stop the postman and ask him why he's always smiling and happy, what he did.
the postman ans...

A 50 year old postman is finally retiring

As he goes down his route one less time everyone showers him with gifts. A watch, a new wallet, money, a farewell card from one of children. All is well, until he comes upon his last house. When he knocks a beautiful woman, scantily clad is at the door. She pulls him in and they make love in her bed...

A postman delivers the same things every day.

A postman delivers the same things every day. The man who owns the house walks out and talks to the postman one day.

Man: Why do you deliver the same items everyday?

Postman: because you subscribed to r/jokes

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My girlfriends joke

Her: i had a crossword puzzle today that i couldnt get

Me: what was it?

Her: "an overworked postman"

Me: but how many letters?

Her: too many

Me: fuck.....

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A whole pack

A friend told me:
"I can't quit smoking because i need a cigarette after an orgasm."
I asked her:
"How many orgasms do you have during the week with your husband?"
She: "To be honest, i don't have any!"
Me: "Then why do you smoke a whole pack?"
She: " Because i have 20 ...

Did you hear of the postman that couldn't tell good jokes?

He was bad at delivery.

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After 35 years, It was Brian the Postman's last day carrying the post in a quaint Irish village

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who thanked him for his service and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars and Irish Whiskey. "Good Luck to ye, Brian!" They called a...

So I got a new job as a postman.

Bad thing is I'm quite embarrassed by it so I told all my friends I'm a mail escort.

Why would Prometheus make a good postman?

... It involves a lot of *de-livering!*

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A postman is on his last day of work before retiring

So as he is making his last run, he stops at a house to deliver their mail. An old woman opens the door and invites him for coffee so he has a cup of coffee. At the next house this happens again so he once again drinks a cup of coffee. At the next house a stunning young woman opens the door wearing ...

When my friend decided to become a Postman, I said "That's great...

You're really pushing the envelope"

Postman told me he was going on holidays....

I asked him if it was Parcelona or Istampbul he was headed to...

Just said it was a stag do for his friend

Ah, an all mail party I exclaimed

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Three rottweilers at the vet

So Three Rottweilers are at the vet in the waiting room, to be seen. They are looking at each other with curiosity.

One finally talks to one of them and asks, what are you doing here?

The other explains to him, that he was lying quietly in the sun in the front garden when the postman ...

A woman goes into labour and her husband takes her to the hospital.

As she is laying in the hospital bed, the nurse tells her of a new type of technology that allows a percentage of her pain to be passed to the father of the child. They both agree, so start on 10% to be transferred.

However, the husband says he can feel nothing, and is willing for it to be tu...

Little Timmy was told that everybody has a secret.

Little Timmy was told at school today, that everybody had a secret, so dark that they would do anything to keep it a secret.

So he decided to test this out.

He went to his mom and looked straight into her eyes and said : Mom I know your secret.
And without a moment passing his mom b...

A postman and his wife are expecting their first child.

The big day comes, and it's a healthy baby girl. The new parents are overjoyed, but it's a lot of work. Dad helps out in every way he can; changing diapers, keeping the house clean, prepping and cooking meals (always being sure to make something ahead for if Mom gets hungry when he's not home), etc....

What’s the difference between r/jokes and the postman?

The postman only posts it once.

I just got a job as a postman.

Op delivers.

"Have you ever seen a mailbox before?" asked my postman sarcastically.

I said, "Yes. Floyd Mayweather."

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There was once an old postman...

...whose name was Stan. Stan had had a robust career delivering mail in a small town for over 45 years, and decided to retire. On his final day of work, the families on his route all decided to give him presents to show their appreciation. At the first house, the McKinsleys gave him a very nice set ...

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I told my wife I'd heard the postman had slept with every woman on the street, except for one.

She said: 'I bet it's that stuck-up bitch at no. 17'

A postman is delivering a package as a 8 year old opens the door with a glass of whiskey in his hand and a big cigar in his mouth.

The postman is shocked : "Aren't your parents at home?"

The 8 year old : "Does it look so?"

It starts with P, finishes with N and has 100 letters.

It is a postman.

A man calls his home and a boy answers.

The guy says, "Who is this?"

"Hey dad it's me," answers the boy

"Shouldn't you be in school?" The man asks

"Mum said i could stay home because I'm ill" The boy answers

"Where is your mother?" asks the man.

The boy says, "She's upstairs in bed with the postman."
...

I thought I’d try and impress the postman today...

I thought I’d try and impress the postman today. I woke up in a great mood and I KNEW my parcel was being delivered today, so I thought I’d try and make the postman’s day a little better too. So I had breakfast, made myself a coffee and sat by the door waiting for him.

11am, he strolls up th...

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A Postman is waiting in line for the ATM

A postman is waiting in line to use the ATM, a tall man was standing in front of him.

The Postman takes off his glove, presses his index finger in the mans ear and loudly says "BOOP"

The man turns around, stares down the postman, and turns back around.

The postman did it again, ...

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I'm doing a crossword and I'm stuck on one clue. It is "contents of a postman's bag"

How many letters?

Fucking loads

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Mr Postman knocks at Little Johnny's parents' house...

Johnny answers the door, wearing his dad's dressing gown, holding a half-smoked cuban cigar and swigging from a bottle of Cognac.
"Hello Little Johnny" said the postman, "are your parents in please?"
Little Johnny replies, "DOES IT FUCKING LOOK LIKE IT?!"

What's the similarity between a bad postman and an eviction notice

There's nothing worse than the day they come in the mail

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I’m divorcing my wife. First it was the, window cleaner then the postman, her ex-boyfriend, and then my best mate

It’s pretty clear…I just really love cock

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How do you tell the biological sex of an ant?

You put them in separate envelopes and put a stamp and leave it for the postman. if the postman leaves the letter, girl ant; if the post man takes the letter, mail ant.

I was really happy when I opened four birthday cards and found a total of $200 in them.

I love being a postman.

A guy walks into a bar

A guy walks into a bar, orders a beer and spreads out a paper to work on the crossword puzzle. After a while he asks the bartender, "What's another word for an unemployed postman?" "How many letters?" the bartender asks. "Well, zero I guess." the guy replies.

A father tucks his son in

A father goes upstairs to tuck his son into bed. As he reaches his son's door, he hears his son praying "Dear God please look after mum, dad, grandma and byebye grandad. The father thought the prayer was a little strange but nothing more. The next morning the family gets a phonecall that grandad had...

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lucky mailman

after 20 years on the job the local postman is about to retire and on this last scheduled delivery run he finds himself beset with thankful friends and neighbours, all of whom show their appreciation of his years of service. loaded down with gift baskets, wine, flowers and thank you cards he reaches...

So I got a phone call from the post office today...

...complaining that my dog is attacking a postman on a bike. But I told them "It can't be my dog... he doesn't even know how to ride a bike".

What has 2 syllables but hundreds of letters?

Postman

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[LONG]ish A man's trimming his hedges as the postman walks by...

He gives a friendly hello and then realises this is the perfect moment to ask a question that's been bugging him for some time.

"Is it true what they say, that you lot sleep with the housewives whilst the husbands are at work?"

"Ha! It is indeed. I've had every woman on this street, e...

A lady arrives at a post office...

...and asks the postman:

"Hi, can I call my mom? I'm out of cash and I need to talk to her urgently".

The postman says "No money, no phone call, miss".

"I will do everything you want, please I really need to call my mother!" - the lady proceeds.

"Music to my ears" - the p...

When my teacher asked me what I wanted to be when I was older, I said, "a postman". They laughed and said I should have more ambition, but now I'm 33 and work at FedEx.

OP delivers!

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What do you call your husband?

Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their sex lives.

Karen said, "I call my husband the dentist because nobody can drill like he does."

Joanne giggled and confessed, "I call my husband the miner, because of his incredible shaft."

Kathy...

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Johnny why did you bring your cat to school today?

Teacher: Johnny why did you bring your cat to school today?
Johnny: (crying) I heard the postman tell My Mother
"when the kid goes to school I am going to eat your pussy.

A woman was giving birth...

Her husband asked the doctor,"Is there any way I can reduce her pain doc?"

The doctor said,"Well yes,we have a new machine which transfer's the mother's pain to the father.However,it will hurt a lot."

The man says,"Do it doctor."

So the doctor connected the machine to the man an...

A revolutionary new product allows fathers to share a mother's pain during labour.

Mr Smith is happy to try it out and help his pregnant wife, and when the special day arrives, he tells the nurse to strap him up.

"Mr Smith, you are a very brave man. The machine has 10 settings, starting at the very manageable level 1, and going up to level 10, which will give you all of yo...

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On Christmas Eve, a postman is collecting letters from the post box when he comes across a letter addressed to Father Christmas

Intrigued, he opens it, to find, scrawled in orange crayon, the words

"Dear Santa,

My family is very poor, so this year I don't want any presents. Please could you just send me £20 so I can give it to my parents?

Love Kevin".

Touched, the postman searches his pockets, wh...

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Pete writes a letter to Santa the day before Christmas. It says: "Dear Santa, please be so kind and give me 100$, I was a good kid this year and we are very poor".

He posts it and waits patiently. The next day one of tha mailmen opens it and reads the letter. He feels really sorry for the kid knowing he won't get the money.

The postman talks to other colleagues and they feel sorry for the poor kid too. They manage to assemble 50$ only. Although it's not...

I told my son about the birds and the bees.

He then told me about the postman and my wife.

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The Twelve Thank-You Notes of Christmas

Dearest John:

I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.

With dearest love and affection, Agnes

December 15th

Dearest John:

Today the postman brought your very sweet gi...

Wife is going into labor

A couple are rushing into the hospital because the wife is going into labour.
As they walk, a doctor says to them that he has invented a machine that splits the pain between the mother and father.
They agree to it and are led into a room where they get hooked up to the machine.
The doctor s...

NOT a dad joke

Dad comes home from work 1 day and his daughter meets him at the door crying. Daddy something is very wrong with Fluffy. Dad asks her to show him. There is Fluffy in the middle of the floor laying on his back stiff as a board. Dad says I'm so sorry muffin but Fluffy has gone to visit God. Muffin ask...

My daughter came up to me and said

My daughter came up to me and said "daddy when my cat died why were its legs in the air?" I replied "well that's so Jesus can grab it to take it to heaven." "That means mummy nearly died this morning!" She said, I asked "how?"
"well when I looked in her bedroom she was screaming "Jesus I'm comin...

Lucky Dave

"You know," Dave told his buddies, "I'm a lucky man. I never realized howmuch my wife loved me until the other day when I had to stay home sick fromwork.""What did she do?" someone asked."She was so happy to have me home," he said, "that every time someone came tothe door, like the milkman or postma...

Who delivers Indian takeaway to you?

Postman Chaat.


I’ll get my coat.

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My hallway is absolutely full of Valentine cards today...

I really am a lazy bastard of a postman.

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Reported to Bruce Forsyths favourite.

Husband and wife are chatting over breakfast
Husband "They guys in the pub last night were talking about our randy Postman. They reckon he's had sex with every woman in our street, except one"
Wife pauses for a moment :" Probably that stuck up cow at number 27"

Why can't you send sailors through the mail?

You try explaining to the postman why you have a load of seamen for him.

A Farmer and his Son went to the local Cattle Market to buy some Pigs.

The Farmer goes up to the first Pig he comes across and put its curly tail in his mouth.

After tasting for a while the Farmer says:"This Pig is 4 years of Age ill buy this one.

The Owner overhears this and asked the Farmer:"Did i heard you right?? You guessed its Age by tasting its cur...

Times are tough and I wanted to make some easy extra cash for the holidays, so I took on a part time job as a postman. However, I quit on my first day, right after they handed me my first letter to deliver...

I looked at it and said, “This isn’t for me.”

A baby was born...

A baby was born and during its christening, mutters “God bless Mummy, god bless Daddy, god bless Grandma, goodbye Grandpa” and the next day the Grandpa suddenly dies.

A few weeks pass and the baby speaks up again, babbling “God bless Mummy, god bless Daddy, goodbye Grandma” and sure enough th...

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