I cooked a medium rare stake for my friend.

He said, "I like it well done."

I said, "thanks that means a lot."

A guy walks into a bar...

He sees 2 steaks nailed to the ceiling. He asks the bartender, "What's up with those two steaks?"
The bartender replies,
"if you can jump up and take those two steaks from the ceiling, I'll give you $1,000,000, if not, I'll cut your arms off."
The guy then replies,
"I won't do it, the s...

One day, an old man was hammering a large, wooden stake into his garden.

Unfortunately, that same day, the captain of the Navy was walking past. When the stake caught his eye (despite it being very basic and unattractive), he decided he wanted to own it. So, he waited for the old man to leave, and promptly pulled it out and carried it away to his submarine, where he foun...

A man walks into a bar and sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling...

Confused, he asks the bartender "why do you have meat hanging from your ceiling?" The bartender says "I'm glad you asked, currently we have a challenge going on where if you can jump up and slap both pieces of meat with your hands I'll cover your tab for the whole rest of the night. However, if you ...

A large wooden stake in the ground

(This post has been removed because it might cause a fence.)

Why Don't vampires like gambling?

They get nervous when the stakes are raised.

While Jesus was on the stake, he calls out to Peter....

"Peter, come. Come."

So Peter says "Yes, My Lord." He goes to approach Jesus but the guards stop him, and they cut off his arm. So Peter runs away.

Later, he comes back and he hears Jesus.

"Peter, come. Come."

So Peter says "Yes, My Lord." He goes to approach Jesus but ...

People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them

"By mistake?"

"Oh come on.. Not you as well"

Today I was helping a friend install his fence, but I put in one of the stakes upside down so we had to do it over.

Sorry for the repost.

I caught a bunch of social justice warriors in my yard digging up large wooden stakes

They said the posts had to be removed before they caused a fence.

An innocent man was killed by a vampire hunter.

It was a terrible mistake.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Everything is at stake during this year's Ms Universe final. But Ms Kenya keeps stepping on Ms Australia's foot...

Ah! Kenya fucken not mate!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man see's a sign on a bar window "Win $1,000,000 - Details inside"

Curiosity peaked, he enters the bar and asks the bartender what's required to win the million.

​

"Ah, that?" The bartender casually replied, offering a challenging smirk. "It requires the completion of 3 tasks I believe to be impossible. It brought in a lot of business when ...

The stakes

A man walks into a meat shop and asks if he can have a nice cut of prime steak. The butcher goes to the back of the shop but comes back empty handed. The man asks why he didn't bring back any meat, and the butcher replies "the meat was on the top shelf and I couldn't reach it... The stakes were just...

3 explorers are deep in the Amazon when they are captured and bound to stakes by a tribe of headhunters.

The great warrior chief walks up to the first man and asks, "death? or boogalu?" well, he doesn't want to die so he chooses boogalu and promptly gets raped by 100 natives. The chief then asks the second prisoner "death? or boogalu?" Though he can't stand the thought of it he also doesn't want to ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Englishman, Scotsman, and Irishman...

An Englishman, Scotsman, and Irishman are trekking through the jungle together. They’re hacking down trees, killing leopards, and generally doing manly things.

All of a sudden, they are confronted by a group of natives, who grab the trio and drag them to their little village and tie them to s...

An arrogant professor boards a plane and gets a seat besides an old man.

Mid-flight, the professor decides to humiliate the old man and prove he’s intellectually superior, so he turns to him and says: “Hey, do you want to play a little game with me?” The old man looks at him and says: “Depends. What type of game?”

The professor goes on to explain the game: “Taking...

I think my friend is a vampire

I stabbed him in the heart with a wooden stake and he died

You never want to play poker with Vlad the Impaler

A lot is at stake

What do a wimpy cop and a bad chef have in common?

They left the stake out.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A vampire walks into a vampure bar with his face covered in blood

His friends start going crazy, asking where he got that much blood from.

Knowing they will not let up, thinking his life was at stake, he leads them through valley, into a forest.

"You see that oak tree over there?" he says.

"Yep" reply the others.

"Well I fucking didn't!...

What do a cattle farmer and a compulsive gambler have in common?

They're both interested in raising the stakes/steaks.

One day, some friars open up a flower shop

Before long, their store attracts quite a lot of customers; after all, who wouldn’t want to buy flowers from men of God? Unfortunately, though, this means that all the other florists in town are being driven out of business. They plead with the friars to close shop or move elsewhere, but they refuse...

Three Vampires and a Tavern

A vampire finds a tavern and wanders inside.

He goes up to the barkeep and says, “Gimme a goblet of warm blood”

Barkeep says, “What in the hell!?” , And puts a stake in the vampires heart.

Later, another Vampire walks in.
This one asks, “Give me a tankard of warm blood! Or I’...

Why do vampires like single proprietorship model of ownership?

Coz, they are afraid of stake-holders!

McDonalds will soon be offering your choice of fillet steaks...

Big McStake

What do vegans and vampires have in common?

They don't eat at stake houses.

What do you call the shareholders of a bankrupt company?

MiStake Holders.



(It's bad I know)

What's a British caveman vampire slayer's favorite food?

Tea bone stake

My favorite Halloween Joke

Two Vampire Hunters entered a cemetery looking for their prey. As night fell, they found a tombstone covered in blood, black as night and decorated with a bat motif. They began excavating it, getting to the coffin just as the last rays of the sun began to disappear.

With no time to open it, ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Beer versus Religion

Top Ten Reasons
Beer is better than Religion

10. No one will kill you for not drinking Beer.

9. Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.

8. Beer has never caused a major war.

7. They don't force Beer on minors who can't think for themselves.

6. When you have Bee...

Two Marijuana dispensaries created a merger deal, becoming one.

To be blunt, the stakes were high, but they were hopeful as it was a joint venture.

A wealthy man met a beggar on the street.

The beggar pleaded to the wealthy man to give him a dollar to buy something to eat.

"You poor fellow," said the wealthy man. "Come with me and I'll buy you a drink."

"Actually, I don't drink. But I would like something to eat."

"Here, my friend. Take one of my Cuban cigars," the...

What do humans and vampires have in common?

Both die when you stick a wooden stake in their hearts

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Trump has become the ruler of the whole world, and it's his birthday.

He demands that the ambassador of every country bring him something famous from their homeland to please him on such a glorious day.

First comes the ambassador of Germany. Along with him, he's brought the keys to a new concept car built by both BMW and Mercedes. It's the only one in productio...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Traffic Cop

After spending an hour at the mall I was ready to head home, but as I exited into the parking lot I saw a police officer writing a ticket.


"Hey, what gives?!" I exclaimed, hoping for some kind of explanation.


Without saying a word, the officer pointed to the no parking sign abo...

Vampires that are depressed and unproductive tend to live longer...

... because no one wants to put any stake in them.

Why wouldn't the Baker play poker with the tall Butcher?

The stakes were too high.

I tried to kill a vampire but failed

My missed stake

Coin flip

One day, Bob came home from school and proudly told his father, “My teacher taught us about the probability of a coin flip today! A coin will land on heads 50% of the time all the time!”

Bob’s father: That’s... not quite how it works.

Bob: Nuh-uh! My teacher said so!

Bob’s fat...

I recently bought 51% of a vampire hunting company.

I’m now the main stake holder.

Why did the vampire's lunch give him heartburn?

It was a stake sandwich.

A British Explorer is Captured by a Tribe in Africa

Whilst searching through the jungles of colonial Africa, a British explorer is captured by a gang of savages. They tie him up and take him to their local village, where they tie him to a stake and prepare to cook and eat him.

As the firewood is being placed around his feet, the tribe leader a...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An old lady walks into a bank with a big bag of money

One of the employees asks her what she wants.

Old Lady: I'm here to open an account and I want to deposit all this money into the bank.

"Whoa, that's a whole lot of money", the employee said. "You'll have to talk to the manager."

The employee escorts her to the manager's office...

The Lone Ranger joke (NSFW)

The Lone Ranger was riding off in the desert when he gets captured by Indians. They tie him to a stake and the Indian chief says to him. "Unk, Lone Ranger we kill'em at sundown, give'm last request". Lone Ranger thinks about it and says "I'd like to talk to my horse." The Indian chief says "Hmm migh...

A rich Texan is on vacation in Ireland...

One of my oldest, one of my favorites, but I haven't seen it pop up since I've been subbed. But of course it's surely a repost. I like to put on the Texan drawl and Irish accent for this one...

After a long day of sightseeing the Irish countryside the Texan wants to relax and have a beer so...

Living well

Once upon a time there was a small desert village with a single well outside town. One day a young woman went to the well to fetch water, and the well heard her crying, and asked “What’s wrong?”

She stopped her sobbing and asked the well “You can talk?”

“Yes,” said the well. “Long ago,...

What do you call Russian roulette for vampires?

High stakes poker.

The Farmer and the Monk

A young farmhand was once unfortunate enough to share a room at the inn with an old monk, who talked incessantly from evening's light to morning glow about matters of philosophy and science. Bored of the one-sided conversation, the monk soon proposed a challenge of wits.


The farmhand was ...

A man goes to a store to buy groceries.

When he gets to the Butchery, he asks for three steaks.
The butcher asks if he'd like to play a game, after which the man replies that he would.
The butcher climbs a ladder up to the ceiling, easily 9 or 10 feet, and hangs them on hooks up there.
When he climbs down, the butcher says "If yo...

Skin Canoes

Three men were exploring the deepest part of an african jungle. The come across a cannibalistic tribe that tied them to stakes and began a bonfire.

The chief walked up to the men and said,
"Three things happen tonight. First, you will die. Second, you will be eaten and your bones licked cl...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A flood warning is given, but the local priest decides to stay...

The water level starts rising, but he has faith that God will save him. As the water is up to his knees, an old man in a rowboat sails up to him.

"Hey," he says. "Need a lift?"

The priest shakes his head. "No thank you, I have faith that the lord will save me. Use your boat to find tho...

Why couldn't the meat butcher reach the top shelf?

The stakes were high.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

LIVE ON RADIO [long]

Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this.

The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called 'Mate Match'. The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers 'yes', he or...

What's a tents favorite kind of meat?

Stakes

A crying man walks slowly along the frontier.

He finds a deep hole with a bucket beside it, and lowers the bucket in to pull out some water. While he's having a drink, a quivering voice comes from the hole.

"What's the matter friend?"

The man, surprised, wipes his eyes and replies, "My brother Harvey and I moved out here to find a...

So a man walks into a butcher shop and eyes several of the finest steaks...

There are cuts of meat on shelves all throughout the store. The butcher likes how this man carries himself so he offers him a proposition. He says, "If you can grab the slab of meat on the shelf over there that you've been looking at since you got in here, you can have it for free. Otherwise you h...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Amazon

Three guys were on vacation in the Amazon, when they became separated from their tour group. After stumbling through the forest for hours, they finally stumbled upon an indigenous tribe, all of whom were naked, and statues of penises everywhere. Hoping that they may care for or help them find help, ...

Why was the cow scared about going into the slaughter house?

His life was at stake.

Badum psh.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A blonde sits next to a scientist...

On a long flight a scientist ends up sitting next to a blonde. Bored and looking for a bit of amusement the scientist starts chatting with the blonde and realizes that she is dumb as rocks. Once the plane is in the air the scientist offers to play a game with the blonde.

"The rules are very s...

Two vampires go on vacation

I read [this vampire joke](https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2qph5b/one_of_the_funniest_vampire_jokes/) and it reminded me of one I heard many years ago.

---

Two vampires were out for a stroll in Transylvania.

"You know, I have been getting sick of eating the same thing ev...

Headline

A man wanted to kill his wife, so he got a hold of a notorious assassin named Arty. The man tells the assassin that his brunette wife shops at the market every Thursday afternoon wearing the same leopard print coat. Since Arty really just enjoyed assassinated people for the fun of it, he only charge...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Oogaly Boogaly

A white man, Chinese man and a black man were in Africa doing research when they were captured by a tribe. First, they were tied to stakes. The chief then walked up to the white man and asked, death or oogaly boogaly. The white man thought, I don't want to die, I'll take oogaly boogaly. So the ch...

Project Manager Humor

Why do Vampires make poor project managers?


Because the refuse you to meet with stake holders.

(why yes, I am a dad why do you ask?)

The Sleeping Scotsman

A Scotsman decides one day he'd pass the time by walking the countryside. After a couple of hours, he comes to the top of a hill and sees a road down below him.


"I don't remember there being a road here. I must be more lost than I thought!"


Before trying to trek his way back ...

Why do vampires hate Texas Roadhouse?

They can not stand stakes!

Army of Fingers (Fixed for formatting)

A long time ago, there was a castle with a king, a queen, and the servants who worked happily, ate healthily and were merry. The king regally sat upon his throne one day, when his lookout came running into his chamber, flustered and out of breath.

"Your majesty, you will never believe what I ...