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Origin of the words Stake and Steak

Today,my boss asked me the difference between Steak and Stake. He meant spelling, but I thought he meant the whole difference.And lucky for him, I actually know the answer to this one.
So, back in the middle ages, before we realized cows could give meat and we just knew they could give milk, ri...

A man walks into a bar and sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling...

Confused, he asks the bartender "why do you have meat hanging from your ceiling?" The bartender says "I'm glad you asked, currently we have a challenge going on where if you can jump up and slap both pieces of meat with your hands I'll cover your tab for the whole rest of the night. However, if you ...

I cooked a medium rare stake for my friend.

He said, "I like it well done."

I said, "thanks that means a lot."

A guy walks into a bar...

He sees 2 steaks nailed to the ceiling. He asks the bartender, "What's up with those two steaks?"
The bartender replies,
"if you can jump up and take those two steaks from the ceiling, I'll give you $1,000,000, if not, I'll cut your arms off."
The guy then replies,
"I won't do it, the s...

I caught a bunch of social justice warriors in my yard digging up large wooden stakes

They said the posts had to be removed before they caused a fence.

An innocent man was killed by a vampire hunter.

It was a terrible mistake.

A large wooden stake in the ground

(This post has been removed because it might cause a fence.)

Why Don't vampires like gambling?

They get nervous when the stakes are raised.

People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them

"By mistake?"

"Oh come on.. Not you as well"

While Jesus was on the stake, he calls out to Peter....

"Peter, come. Come."

So Peter says "Yes, My Lord." He goes to approach Jesus but the guards stop him, and they cut off his arm. So Peter runs away.

Later, he comes back and he hears Jesus.

"Peter, come. Come."

So Peter says "Yes, My Lord." He goes to approach Jesus but ...

One day, an old man was hammering a large, wooden stake into his garden.

Unfortunately, that same day, the captain of the Navy was walking past. When the stake caught his eye (despite it being very basic and unattractive), he decided he wanted to own it. So, he waited for the old man to leave, and promptly pulled it out and carried it away to his submarine, where he foun...

I was asked if I’d rather have my head chopped off or be burned on a stake.

I answered being burned at the stake, and when asked why, I said “Because a hot steak is better than a cold chop”.

I think my friend is a vampire

I stabbed him in the heart with a wooden stake and he died

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Everything is at stake during this year's Ms Universe final. But Ms Kenya keeps stepping on Ms Australia's foot...

Ah! Kenya fucken not mate!

What do you call a flying cow?

A high stakes mission

This is my first ever post on reddit hope you like it.

The stakes

A man walks into a meat shop and asks if he can have a nice cut of prime steak. The butcher goes to the back of the shop but comes back empty handed. The man asks why he didn't bring back any meat, and the butcher replies "the meat was on the top shelf and I couldn't reach it... The stakes were just...

A Man walkes into a Bar

He orders a shot of tequilla and the bar tender asks "would you like to try our challenge?"
The man confused, said "what challenge". The Bar tender then states " see those slices of meat on the ceiling?". The man looks up and sees 2 slices of red meat on the brick roof. Then the man says "what d...

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It leads to something, I promise

What do you call a cow in an earthquake?

Milkshake



What do you call a cow with a twitch?

Beef jerky



What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground Beef



What do you call a cow with three legs?

Lean beef



What do you c...

An arrogant professor boards a plane and gets a seat besides an old man.

Mid-flight, the professor decides to humiliate the old man and prove he’s intellectually superior, so he turns to him and says: “Hey, do you want to play a little game with me?” The old man looks at him and says: “Depends. What type of game?”

The professor goes on to explain the game: “Taking...

Today I was helping a friend install his fence, but I put in one of the stakes upside down so we had to do it over.

Sorry for the repost.

Not only bad at jokes, I’m also bad at titles

At the local butcher shop the was a challenge. The challenge was that if you could jump and touch on of the steaks on the ceiling, you would get twenty dollars. If you couldn’t, you would have to pay for one of the steaks. So a man named Jack came up to the challenge. As he was about to try he was s...

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A priest dies and stands in front of God.

A priest dies and stands in front of God.

God looks at the priest's ledger of good and evil and smiles after finishing it. Looking up at the priest, God says "I'm satisfied with how you've lived and how you've spent your life. I give you the option to choose — Hell or heaven?"

The prie...

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A man see's a sign on a bar window "Win $1,000,000 - Details inside"

Curiosity peaked, he enters the bar and asks the bartender what's required to win the million.



"Ah, that?" The bartender casually replied, offering a challenging smirk. "It requires the completion of 3 tasks I believe to be impossible. It brought in a lot of business when I first put ...

So I went in the butchers and he said " I bet you can't reach those two pieces of meat up on that high shelf" I answered "I don't bet" "Why" he asked...

"The stakes are too high"

What happens when you put a cow in an elevator?

You're raising the stake.

There were too many vampires on our midst.

So we had to raise the stakes.

A guy walks into a bar and sees 3 steaks hanging from strings behind the bar....

So the guy ask the bartender “What’s up with those pieces of meat hanging up behind the bar?” The bartender replies “ Well if you can jump off the bar and bite into one of them your drinks are free all night! But if you miss you must buy the whole bar a round of drinks.” The guy thinks about it fo...

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An Englishman, Scotsman, and Irishman...

An Englishman, Scotsman, and Irishman are trekking through the jungle together. They’re hacking down trees, killing leopards, and generally doing manly things.

All of a sudden, they are confronted by a group of natives, who grab the trio and drag them to their little village and tie them to s...

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A vampire walks into a vampure bar with his face covered in blood

His friends start going crazy, asking where he got that much blood from.

Knowing they will not let up, thinking his life was at stake, he leads them through valley, into a forest.

"You see that oak tree over there?" he says.

"Yep" reply the others.

"Well I fucking didn't!...

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Three Vampires and a Tavern

A vampire finds a tavern and wanders inside.

He goes up to the barkeep and says, “Gimme a goblet of warm blood”

Barkeep says, “What in the hell!?” , And puts a stake in the vampires heart.

Later, another Vampire walks in.
This one asks, “Give me a tankard of warm blood! Or I’...

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Beer versus Religion

Top Ten Reasons
Beer is better than Religion

10. No one will kill you for not drinking Beer.

9. Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.

8. Beer has never caused a major war.

7. They don't force Beer on minors who can't think for themselves.

6. When you have Bee...

Why do vampires like single proprietorship model of ownership?

Coz, they are afraid of stake-holders!

What do a cattle farmer and a compulsive gambler have in common?

They're both interested in raising the stakes/steaks.

You never want to play poker with Vlad the Impaler

A lot is at stake

McDonalds will soon be offering your choice of fillet steaks...

Big McStake

One day, some friars open up a flower shop

Before long, their store attracts quite a lot of customers; after all, who wouldn’t want to buy flowers from men of God? Unfortunately, though, this means that all the other florists in town are being driven out of business. They plead with the friars to close shop or move elsewhere, but they refuse...

What do vegans and vampires have in common?

They don't eat at stake houses.

What do you call the shareholders of a bankrupt company?

MiStake Holders.



(It's bad I know)

What's a British caveman vampire slayer's favorite food?

Tea bone stake

A wealthy man met a beggar on the street.

The beggar pleaded to the wealthy man to give him a dollar to buy something to eat.

"You poor fellow," said the wealthy man. "Come with me and I'll buy you a drink."

"Actually, I don't drink. But I would like something to eat."

"Here, my friend. Take one of my Cuban cigars," the...

My favorite Halloween Joke

Two Vampire Hunters entered a cemetery looking for their prey. As night fell, they found a tombstone covered in blood, black as night and decorated with a bat motif. They began excavating it, getting to the coffin just as the last rays of the sun began to disappear.

With no time to open it, ...

Two Marijuana dispensaries created a merger deal, becoming one.

To be blunt, the stakes were high, but they were hopeful as it was a joint venture.

What do humans and vampires have in common?

Both die when you stick a wooden stake in their hearts

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Traffic Cop

After spending an hour at the mall I was ready to head home, but as I exited into the parking lot I saw a police officer writing a ticket.


"Hey, what gives?!" I exclaimed, hoping for some kind of explanation.


Without saying a word, the officer pointed to the no parking sign abo...

Vampires that are depressed and unproductive tend to live longer...

... because no one wants to put any stake in them.

Why wouldn't the Baker play poker with the tall Butcher?

The stakes were too high.

I tried to kill a vampire but failed

My missed stake

Coin flip

One day, Bob came home from school and proudly told his father, “My teacher taught us about the probability of a coin flip today! A coin will land on heads 50% of the time all the time!”

Bob’s father: That’s... not quite how it works.

Bob: Nuh-uh! My teacher said so!

Bob’s fat...

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An old lady walks into a bank with a big bag of money

One of the employees asks her what she wants.

Old Lady: I'm here to open an account and I want to deposit all this money into the bank.

"Whoa, that's a whole lot of money", the employee said. "You'll have to talk to the manager."

The employee escorts her to the manager's office...

A British Explorer is Captured by a Tribe in Africa

Whilst searching through the jungles of colonial Africa, a British explorer is captured by a gang of savages. They tie him up and take him to their local village, where they tie him to a stake and prepare to cook and eat him.

As the firewood is being placed around his feet, the tribe leader a...

The Lone Ranger joke (NSFW)

The Lone Ranger was riding off in the desert when he gets captured by Indians. They tie him to a stake and the Indian chief says to him. "Unk, Lone Ranger we kill'em at sundown, give'm last request". Lone Ranger thinks about it and says "I'd like to talk to my horse." The Indian chief says "Hmm migh...

A rich Texan is on vacation in Ireland...

One of my oldest, one of my favorites, but I haven't seen it pop up since I've been subbed. But of course it's surely a repost. I like to put on the Texan drawl and Irish accent for this one...

After a long day of sightseeing the Irish countryside the Texan wants to relax and have a beer so...

Skin Canoes

Three men were exploring the deepest part of an african jungle. The come across a cannibalistic tribe that tied them to stakes and began a bonfire.

The chief walked up to the men and said,
"Three things happen tonight. First, you will die. Second, you will be eaten and your bones licked cl...

Living well

Once upon a time there was a small desert village with a single well outside town. One day a young woman went to the well to fetch water, and the well heard her crying, and asked “What’s wrong?”

She stopped her sobbing and asked the well “You can talk?”

“Yes,” said the well. “Long ago,...

A man goes to a store to buy groceries.

When he gets to the Butchery, he asks for three steaks.
The butcher asks if he'd like to play a game, after which the man replies that he would.
The butcher climbs a ladder up to the ceiling, easily 9 or 10 feet, and hangs them on hooks up there.
When he climbs down, the butcher says "If yo...

Why did the cow go to the BBQ restaurant?

She had her reputation at stake.

I recently bought 51% of a vampire hunting company.

I’m now the main stake holder.

What do you call Russian roulette for vampires?

High stakes poker.

The Farmer and the Monk

A young farmhand was once unfortunate enough to share a room at the inn with an old monk, who talked incessantly from evening's light to morning glow about matters of philosophy and science. Bored of the one-sided conversation, the monk soon proposed a challenge of wits.


The farmhand was ...

We were eating dinner the other day when I noticed my brother was cutting his steak and stacking it up. I had to knock it over

The stakes were just too high...

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A flood warning is given, but the local priest decides to stay...

The water level starts rising, but he has faith that God will save him. As the water is up to his knees, an old man in a rowboat sails up to him.

"Hey," he says. "Need a lift?"

The priest shakes his head. "No thank you, I have faith that the lord will save me. Use your boat to find tho...

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LIVE ON RADIO [long]

Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this.

The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called 'Mate Match'. The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers 'yes', he or...

What's a tents favorite kind of meat?

Stakes

A crying man walks slowly along the frontier.

He finds a deep hole with a bucket beside it, and lowers the bucket in to pull out some water. While he's having a drink, a quivering voice comes from the hole.

"What's the matter friend?"

The man, surprised, wipes his eyes and replies, "My brother Harvey and I moved out here to find a...

Project Manager Humor

Why do Vampires make poor project managers?


Because the refuse you to meet with stake holders.

(why yes, I am a dad why do you ask?)

So a man walks into a butcher shop and eyes several of the finest steaks...

There are cuts of meat on shelves all throughout the store. The butcher likes how this man carries himself so he offers him a proposition. He says, "If you can grab the slab of meat on the shelf over there that you've been looking at since you got in here, you can have it for free. Otherwise you h...

Why was the cow scared about going into the slaughter house?

His life was at stake.

Badum psh.

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A blonde sits next to a scientist...

On a long flight a scientist ends up sitting next to a blonde. Bored and looking for a bit of amusement the scientist starts chatting with the blonde and realizes that she is dumb as rocks. Once the plane is in the air the scientist offers to play a game with the blonde.

"The rules are very s...

Headline

A man wanted to kill his wife, so he got a hold of a notorious assassin named Arty. The man tells the assassin that his brunette wife shops at the market every Thursday afternoon wearing the same leopard print coat. Since Arty really just enjoyed assassinated people for the fun of it, he only charge...

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The Amazon

Three guys were on vacation in the Amazon, when they became separated from their tour group. After stumbling through the forest for hours, they finally stumbled upon an indigenous tribe, all of whom were naked, and statues of penises everywhere. Hoping that they may care for or help them find help, ...

I took my wife to our favourite restaurant..

The waiter took my order first.

"I'll have the rump stake, please, rare."

The waiter looked at me, puzzled and said "aren't you worried 'bout mad cow?"

I swung around and replied "Nah, she can order for herself"

Why do vampires hate Texas Roadhouse?

They can not stand stakes!

The Sleeping Scotsman

A Scotsman decides one day he'd pass the time by walking the countryside. After a couple of hours, he comes to the top of a hill and sees a road down below him.


"I don't remember there being a road here. I must be more lost than I thought!"


Before trying to trek his way back ...

Army of Fingers (Fixed for formatting)

A long time ago, there was a castle with a king, a queen, and the servants who worked happily, ate healthily and were merry. The king regally sat upon his throne one day, when his lookout came running into his chamber, flustered and out of breath.

"Your majesty, you will never believe what I ...

I chuckled at this one

Suicidal arsonist burned at the stake.

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