An old man, a schoolboy, a lawyer, a doctor, and a community service worker are all on a plane with only four parachutes when...

The pilot of the plane has a stroke and passes away. As the plane plummets its passengers to death the five members of the aircraft argue over who deserve to have the four bags containing the parachutes.

Social Worker: I deserve to live because I protect vulnerable children and support famili...

The secret service isn't allowed to yell "Get down!" anymore when the president is about to be attacked.

Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"

What video streaming service do Russians use?

Niet-flix

A relationship with no trust is like having a phone with no service

You just play games.

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A bright, young graduate joined the Internal Revenue Service. Anxious for his first investigation he was a bit perturbed when he was assigned to audit a Rabbi.

Looking over the books and taxes was pretty straightforward and the Rabbi was clearly very frugal, so he thought he’d make his day interesting by having a little fun with the Rabbi.

“Rabbi,” he said, “I noticed that you buy a lot of candles.”

“Yes,” answered the Rabbi.

“Well, Ra...

I just spent 350$ on a limo service and just found out it doesn't come with a driver!

All that money and nothing to chauffeur it.

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Blonde approaches the customer service counter at a grocery store...

“How can I help you miss?” Says the man behind the counter. “I need to get 80 gallons of milk please”, she replies. “Excuse me?” Says the man “why would you need all that milk for?” . “Well you see, its a beauty tip. You bathe in milk for an hour and your skin appears 10 years younger”, she sa...

A group of crows flew into a church during the Sunday service.

It was a Mass murder.

Mr. Epstein, we need you to testify about the people who used your "services".

Jeffrey: "Over my dead body!"

Donald Trump is boarding Air Force One

When all of a sudden, an assassin jumps out and points the gun at Trump. A member of the secret service sees this and yells, “Mickey Mouse!” This startles the would-be assassin so much that it gives the other agents time to apprehend him. While the agents interrogate the assassin, Donald Trump pulls...

I tried to get out of Jury service by arguing that 12 jurors is unfair

It's 2 against 1

Jussie smollet had to pay 10,000 to chicago and do community service to get his charges dropped...

I hope he isnt beating himself up over this

No service at hotel room

I called into the hotel reception for room service. After my 5th call went unanswered, I walked up to the hotel reception angrily asking why they weren't answering.

Reception : "Extremely sorry sir. What's your room number?"
Me : "Room number 503"
Reception : "Something went wrong. 503 ...

No shirt no shoes no service

I've been lied to my entire life. I walked into 7-11 naked and my phone still worked just fine.

I dumped my girlfriend after she falsely claimed Netflix was the cheapest streaming service.

I refuse to associate with a Hulu-cost denier.

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TIL:Today I learned that prostitutes in the old west charged as little as $1.00 for their services

You really got a bang for your buck!

I was relieved when I stopped at a tire service store

It really is the best place to take a leak.

A pastor was giving the children's message during church. For this part of the service, he would gather all the children around him and give a brief lesson before dismissing them for children's church.

On this particular Sunday, he was using squirrels for an object lesson on industry and preparation. He started out by saying, "I'm going to describe something, and I want you to raise your hand when you know what it is." The children nodded eagerly.

"This thing lives in trees (pause) and eats...

What is the difference between a secret service agent and Liberace?

One's a body guard and the other's a gaudy bard.



Sorry...

If a service dog without a person approaches you, it means the person is down and in need of help.

Follow the dog and you'll get a free purse or wallet.

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A man visits the council to apply for a job

During his job interview, the interviewer asks him "Are you allergic to anything?" to which the man replies "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Ok, have you ever been in the military service before?"

"Yes," he says. "I was in Iraq for one tour."

The interviewer replies "That...

I've created a company whereby people hire us to insult the people they don't like.

We're doing a diss service.

Every Sunday service the priests whip the children.

I attend an unorthodox church

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I knew a lady whose idea of community service was giving handjobs to blue collar workers.

She was a jack off all trades.

A farmer buys a rooster to service his 200 hens. When he gets the rooster into the barnyard, he tells him, "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Have fun, but take your time."

The farmer points him toward the henhouse and the rooster takes off like a shot.

WHAM! Randy nails every hen in the henhouse, three or four times. Randy runs out and sees a flock of geese down by the lake. WHAM! He nails all the geese. Randy runs to the pigpen, the cow pasture -- soon, he's b...

What is Megatron least favorite streaming service?

Amazon PRIME

What would a streaming service run by The Great Old One be called?

C’Hulu

A Sunday school teacher asked her children on the way to service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One little girl replied,

"Because people are sleeping"

Walked into a hardware store and a customer service rep asked me if I needed decking...

Luckily I got the first punch in.

Here's a very Jewish joke I thought of while in Shabbat service

A Rabbi goes to one of the regulars and exclaims
"MOSHE! You bring your cellphone and your wallet to Shul in Shabbat? How could you even think of doing that in Shabbat?"

To which Moshe responds "Well, Rabbi, I'm sorry, but where else was I supposed to put my driver's license??"

Why is Trump like bad cell service?

He never works when you need him to, he tracks your location anyway and when he finally shows up there’s just one lousy Barr

The Secretary of Defense directed members of different services to "secure that building"...

Navy personnel turned off the lights and locked the doors. The Army occupied the building and ensured no on could enter. The Marines attacked it, captured it, and set up defenses to hold it. The Air Force secured a two-year lease with an option to buy.



(Discovered in a sec+ guidebook...

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At the Sunday morning church service, the minister asked if anyone in thecongregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

A lady stood and walked to the podium.

She said: “I have a Praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom had a terrible bicycle crash and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was terrible and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from all th...

What does a church service in Helsinki and Mortal Kombat have in common?

Finnish Hymn

New Secret Service policy

So, the Secret Service has a new policy regarding the President's safety. Every time the president is in danger, they must shout "Donald, duck!"

What does a fetus and an armed service member have in common?

Politicians only care about 'em as long as they're "in".

What do you call an Indian food delivery service?

A Curryer

A man has died, and his friends and family are gathered together in a small church for his memorial service...

As the service nears its conclusion, a man rises up from his seat on a pew in the very back row and begins to shuffle towards the pulpit, where the preacher is concluding his remarks and the widow of the deceased stands by weeping.

The man makes his way up to the very front of the congregatio...

Every president has a secret service codename.

The current president is “Mogul”. I looked it up.
Mogul: a member of the Muslim dynasty of Mongol origin
Nope, that can’t be it, unless he’s a total self-hater. Try alternate definition:
Mogul: In downhill skiing, an ice-cold lump; an extremely dense obstacle to human progress, a destabil...

Three insurance salesmen are having drinks and boasting about each company’s service.

The first one says, “When one of our insured died suddenly on Monday, we got the news that evening and were able to process the claim for the wife and mailed a check on Wednesday evening.”



The second one says, “When one of our insured died without warning on Monday, we learned of it i...

Post Malone Has Started His Own Student Loan Service in an Attempt to Lift the Burden Off of New Graduates

It's called "Post Malone's Post Pone Ma Loans"

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This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree.

He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one.

     "Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks.

     "Boy," is the man's response.

     "Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there", says the service guy. An hour later the service guy shows u...

What do you call a jewish freight train service?

Israils

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What kind of Church service should you go to today, this Holy Saturday?

High Church.

My daughters have decided to open a computer repair service together!

They’re going to call it “2 Girls 1 CPU”

What is the most popular movie streaming service in Russia?

NyetFlix

the world’s best cloud storage service was released today, called Titanic.

It’s always synching

The U.S. postal services came out with a new Donald Trump stamp. Although they received many complaints that they were defective!

After polling the public on how the stamp is defective, they figured out nothing was wrong with the stamp at all!

The americans were just not spitting on the right side!

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A farmer was looking for a new rooster as his old one after many years of faithful service had finally passed on.

When he told his neighbouring farmer about the problem he said "I have just the rooster for you , but I have to warn you Ron is one horny goat of a rooster". How horny can a rooster be the farmer said to himself. "OK sure I'll buy him off you". When the farmer got back to the farm with Ron the roost...

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During our church service one Sunday...

a parishioner was speaking about an emotionally charged topic and had trouble controlling her tears. Finishing her remarks, she told the congregation, "I apologize for crying so much. I’m usually not such a big boob."

The bishop rose to close the session and remarked, "That’s okay. We like bi...

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Did you hear about the time a sex worker denied a customer service?

She obviously didn't give a fuck.

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Worst customer service ever!

I experienced the WORST customer service this morning. I don't want to mention the name of the store because I'm not sure how I'm going to proceed. Last night I bought something. I paid cash for it. I took it home and found out it didn't work. So this morning, less than 12 hours later, I took it bac...

An upset man goes to see his Rabbi

"Rabbi, last week someone stole my bike from synagogue!" he says. The Rabbi is deeply upset by this, but offers a solution: "Next week, come to services, sit in the front row, and when we recite the Ten Commandments, turn around and look at the people behind you. And when we get to 'Thou shalt not s...

Freshman Congresswoman Rashida Tlaib is in trouble with the Secret Service for using the words "Mother F**ker"

Apparently, they weren't happy she revealed Mike Pence's code word

did i ever tell you about the time that i was contacted by a former partner who was working in italy via the money transfer service i was using?

I was not ready when my ex communicated by the paypal authority

A father and his son are visited by the Child Protective Services. The agent asks the son, "Do you know why we are visiting you today?" The son thought a bit and replied:

"Beats Me"

A secret service agent is guarding the president

A secret service agent is guarding the president

He’s escorting the president into a building

As he’s walking in the building, an assassin jumps out with a gun

The secret service agent says, “Mickey Mouse!”

The assassin is stunned and the agent is able to detain him
...

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Three men go before the Queen to be rewarded for their service.

Three British soldiers gruesomely wounded in Afghanistan meet the Queen, who wishes to reward them for their loyal service.

The first soldier is in a wheelchair. He has very long arms. The Queen takes one look at him and says "Measure this man from fingertip to fingertip and pay him 1,000 po...

How does electrician turn down services

He refuses it.

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A guy takes his Rolls Royce for a service...

A guy takes his Rolls Royce into the dealership for a service.
They drive it into the service bay and the chief mechanic decides to let the new trainee clean up the interior to give him something to do.
He's vacuuming the carpets in the front footwell when he finds a golf tee.
He has no id...

3 Secret Service agents are on their final day of training

They’re led into a darkened room. The commanding officer has them facing the opposite way of him. He walks up to the first potential agent from behind and speaks to his ear; loudly enough so all 3 can hear, but in a smooth, calculated tone, almost whispering:

“You’ve passed every test up to ...

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A priest was friends with Stephanie, a blonde woman who regularly attends his services.

As the priest was strolling through town one day, he noticed Stephanie's father holding hands with another man. Shocked, the priest calls his friend later that day to verify what he saw.

"Hey Stephanie, I think your dad might be homosexual. Is this true?"

"No way, are you serious? I ca...

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I've decided to start a pie delivery service from my car.

Apple pie is $3.75 / slice, cherry is $4.25, and banana cream pie is $4.75. Those are the pie rates of the car-I-be-in.

---------

There, did I manage to ruin both jokes?

A pastor was complaining to another pastor about people in his service falling asleep

So the other pastor invited him to his own church. The Pastor began to notice some of his congregation nodding off and gave a nod to the visiting pastor.

"Ahem, I'd like to make an announcement, er a confession really" Everyone began paying attention, nudging each other, straightening up and...

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A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away.

At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.


She lives for ten more years, and then dies. A ceremony is ag...

I work in Customer Service

because I'm really good at apologizing for things that aren't my fault.

Went to pick up my car after a service

I was told the keys had been locked in it.

I went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.

"Hey," I announced to t...

Obama was running with a secret service member...

And he was trying to break the record on running 4 laps around the White House lawn. When he finished the Secret Service agent said “We’ll done sir, your time is 9:22, one of the best times we’ve had.”
Obama then replied, “One of the best? Not the best?”
The agent replied “ No sir, Bush did 9...

At Friday night services, Morris went to his friend Irving and said,

“I need a favor. I’m sleeping with the Rabbi’s wife. Can you hold him in the synagogue for an hour after services for me?”

Irving was not very fond of the idea, but being Morris’ lifelong friend, he reluctantly agreed.

After services, he struck up a conversation with the Rabbi, asking ...

I founded John Lennon Television, and now we’re the second biggest subscription TV service in the UK.

Above us, only Sky.

The Secret Service is the worst agency in the USA.

Everybody's heard of them.

XM Radio is looking for feedback on Reddit about how to improve customer service

They're taking Sirius replies only.

I accidentally called emergency services whilst falling asleep.

I had to burn down my house so I didn’t look stupid.

I’ve been issued Community Service..

I was assigned the “Recycling Program”. I figured I’d start here since there’s a lot of reused content which would reduce my searching.

My father was the rector for a local church. He was responsible for making sure all the doors were locked, and for putting away the benches after services.

He really had to mind his keys and pews.

Mr. Zuckerberg how do you sustain a business model in which users don’t pay for your services?

Zuckerberg: “1010011010”.......Ahem

Zuckerberg: “Senator, we run ads”

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Three men are joining the secret service.

They've completed every test and overcome every obstacle. Only one remains. The instructor takes the first man, brings him to a door and hands him a gun.

"Behind this door is your wife. You must prove your loyalty, your dedication to the service and your ability to follow orders, no matter wh...

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A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back...

The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help.

A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the so...

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Sex is like a gas station...

Sometimes you get full service, sometimes you have to ask for service, and sometimes you have to be happy with self service.

Once a Bright and Intelligent young man went for an IAS (Indian Civil Service) interview

Once a Bright and Intelligent young man went for an IAS (Indian Civil Service) interview.

He was asked -

Q 1. When did India get Independence?

He answered - The efforts started long back; but could succeed in 1947.

Q 2. Who were the persons, who played important role in ...

Funeral homes have the best services in town..

Everyone is dying to get them

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What telecommunications service does a fortnite player use?

Virgin Mobile

My girlfriend's cellphone service sucks!

Eight days ago when she said, "We're breaking up," the call ended, and it's
gone straight to voicemail ever since.

Video games never made me angry or want to hurt people.

Working in customer service already did that.

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A Jew walks into a church during services, and begins to pray

He puts on his tallis (a Jewish garb for praying), takes out a prayerbook, and recites the beginning of the traditional service. A clergyman notices the Jew, and, bewildered, says, "Will all non-christians please leave."

The Jewish man just continues his prayer, not paying any attention to th...

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A man is eating soup at a restaurant when he drops his spoon.

It was a particularly busy day, so the man thinks "Great, by the time I get another spoon, my soup will be cold." Nevertheless, he flags down his waiter and tells him that he dropped his spoon. The waiter says "Here ya go" and produces a spoon from his vest pocket. "Wow, that was convenient" the man...

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A mailman retires after 30 years service and starts his route for the last time.

At his first house, Mrs Smith congratulates him on his retitrement, takes him upstairs and boffs his brains out.

Afterwards she takes him downstairs and sits him at the table which is made up with pancakes, bacon, eggs, coffee and a one dollar bill on the plate.

After starting to eat h...

What's a pirate's least favorite letter?

Dear customer,

We are discontinuing your internet service due to suspicious activity/illegal downloading on your network.

A teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents.

They were appalled by his leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos, and pierced nose. Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. "Dear," the mother said, "he doesn't seem very nice."

"Oh please, Mom," the daughter replied. "If he wasn't nice, why would he be ...

At my best friend's funeral service rn, I brought his favorite Beyblade to battle against mine one last time, in front of everyone.

I was hesistant to do it at first, but I just got a reaffirming note from his mom saying:


"Steven, for God's sake, just let him RIP!!!"

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A redneck calls emergency services

...and he tells the operator "Hey there, Ah just ran into a pig with my pickup truck and he's all kicking around and squealing and shit".

And the operator says "All right, do you have a gun in your truck?" and the redneck says "Ah sure do" and the operator says "In that case I think you oug...

A man goes to the movie theatre with his duck...

A man goes to the movie theatre with his duck. The ticket agent looks at the man and then at the duck, which is on a leash. The ticket agent states that the duck is not permitted in the theatre. The man explains that the duck is his service pet. However, because he didn’t have his service pet ...

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