A‌‌n America‌‌n soldier‌‌, servin‌‌g i‌‌n Worl‌‌d Wa‌‌r I‌‌I ha‌‌d jus‌‌t returne‌‌d fro‌‌m severa‌‌l week‌‌s o‌‌f battl‌‌e o‌‌n th‌‌e Germa‌‌n fron‌‌t lines.

Th‌‌e soldie‌‌r ha‌‌d bee‌‌n grante‌‌d res‌‌t an‌‌d relaxatio‌‌n an‌‌d wa‌‌s o‌‌n ‌‌a trai‌‌n tha‌‌t wa‌‌s boun‌‌d fo‌‌r London.

Th‌‌e trai‌‌n wa‌‌s ver‌‌y crowded‌‌, s‌‌o th‌‌e soldie‌‌r walke‌‌d th‌‌e lengt‌‌h o‌‌f th‌‌e trai‌‌n i‌‌n hope‌‌s o‌‌f findin‌‌g a‌‌n empt‌‌y seat.

Th‌‌e on...

Depressing pickup lines.

Are you suicide?
Because I think about you every day.

Are you a toaster?
Because I really want to take a bath with you.

Are you a noose?
Because I really want to hang with you.

Are you a gravestone?
Because I really wish you were on top of me.

Are you anti-...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

MEN'S HELP LINE - Letter of the Month

Hi John,

I really need your advice on a serious problem: I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes h...

William Shatner has discontinued his new line of lingerie.

Apparently, Shatner panties wasn’t the best choice for a name.

Why do North Koreans draw the straightest lines?

Because they have a supreme ruler

Jim, who was late to everything, was drafted. Sure enough, in boot camp, he was last in line to get a rifle.

When it was his turn, the quartermaster said, “I’m sorry but we’re all out of rifles.” Jim said, “How can I do the drills then?” The quartermaster replied, “Take this stick and when it’s time to shoot, yell ‘Bangety Bang Bang!’ Go get a bayonet on it and maybe it’ll look better.” But, again, Jim was...

This joke has no punch line

But you might get a kick out of it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Seamus is at the pub with a row of whiskey shots lined up in front of him, looking depressed as ever.

A newcomer to the small town, looking to make friends, sits down next to Seamus and asks him what's wrong.
 
Without looking at the newcomer, Seamus downs a shot and in his thick Irish brogue says "I've lived in this town me whole life. You see the sidewalk out front? I laid every brick with m...

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replies, "I’m Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City." St. Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and ent...

The person sitting next to me on a flight was a woman. Ever the charmer, I used one of my pick-up lines on her.

I asked, “Does the airline charge you extra for sitting next to good-looking men?”

“Yes,” she replied, “but I wasn’t willing to pay.”

Clearly cops will tread on a thin blue line

As long as its your jugular

I was in a long line at 7:45 am today at the grocery store that opened at 8 am for seniors only.

A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.

He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.

As he ap...

There is a fine line between numerator and denominator

Only a fraction of people will find this funny.

My 7 year old's first comeback line

My son has asd and though he loves to read jokes and tries to understand why they are funny, introducing wit to him has been difficult. It was more of a surprise than a joke but here goes.

We recently moved to India and my wife is missing outdoors and Europe and today she said - oh I really w...

Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight, when one draws a line in the dirt and slurs, “If you cross this line, I’ll hit you in the face.”

That was the punchline...

I was just patiently waiting in the lunch line when..

..the depressed girl cut in front of me

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is lined up to putt on the 8th hole with some friends

Out of nowhere a ball comes flying in and hits him. The man doubles over cursing and clutching his hands tightly to his crotch. His friends giggle at his misfortune as a woman comes running over apologizing.

"Oh my goodness! I'm so sorry. I didn't see you gentleman when I teed off!"

T...

I was waiting in line at the cheese counter at the local grocery store today when I had to fart.

After ripping a silent one the guy in front of me asks the lady behind the counter which cheese smells such aromatically.

What do you call a line-up of dolls?

A barbeque.

I was waiting in line outside B&Q when a friend called to ask “how big is the queue?”

I said “the same size as the B”

If you get an email with the subject line "Knock Knock", don't open it!

Those are from Jehovah's Witnesses working from home.

In my line of work, I manage to upset people on both sides of the aisle.

So yeah, I might not be the best wedding planner.

Parallel lines have so much in common

Its a shame that they will never meet

Pick up line.

Hey girl, are you an Aztec?
Cos you just stole my heart.

COVID-19 Pick-Up Lines

If COVID-19 doesn't take you out... Can I?

Is that hand sanitizer in your pocket or are you just happy to be within 6 feet of me?

Since all the public libraries are closed, I'm checking you out instead.

You can't spell virus without U and I.

Baby, do you need toilet pape...

Keanu Reeves is coming out with a candle line...

He's calling them John wicks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man is standing in line to get a train ticket.

The woman behind the counter is very attractive, and has big breasts. When he goes up to the counter, the man blurts out, "Can I please have a one-way ticket to Tittsburg...uh...I'm sorry...I mean Pittusburg."

As the woman is creating his ticket, he turns to the man behind him and says, "That...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender to line him up 10 shots of his strongest liquor on the counter.

The man proceeds to down all 10 shots in a matter of minutes. The bartender asks him “what’s the special occasion” and the guy responds “I just got my first blowjob”. The bartender responds “congrats, here have a shot on the house”. The guy says “no thanks, if 10 shots won’t get the taste out of my ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab."

He walked all the way to the airport and got home.

Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.

He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings.

There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver fro...

Nerdy cell pickup lines

- These were some of my biology notes from freshman year. I actually remembered the functions from these jokes

Are u a golgi apparatus? Cause I need help processing my feelings for u

Are we proteins in a golgi apparatus? Cause we’re being shipped

I hope you aren’t a controsome c...

What do you call the bird after the 18th crow on a telephone line?

Corvid-19

What do you call a pretty girl you only take line dancing?

A Slide Piece

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude in a garden, while a sexy and beautiful big breasted nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded do...

Pick up lines are useless

These new vibrating things lets us know when they are ready

Kim Jong Un decided to send Donald Trump a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still alive.

Trump opened the letter which appeared to contain a single-line coded message:

370HSSV - 0773H

Trump was baffled, so he emailed it to the his aides, who had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI

No one could solve it at FBI, so it went to the CIA. With no clue as to its mea...

Hook, line and sinker...

She was never seen again.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says… “Hang on! You're a duck!”

"I see your eyes are working.” replies the duck.

"And you can talk!!” exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too.” says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"C...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

These masks, man. I was standing in line to get in the grocery store, when I saw my friend, Steve was ahead of me in line.

I say, “hey man, long time! How’s it going?”

He says, “oh, hey! Pretty good actually, considering my wife left me.”

“oh yeah, that was a bummer, cheating on you with your brother like that!”

He’s shocked, “what? It was my brother?”

“wait wait, are you Steve?”

“No,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Lady from Nextdoor just knocked and accused me of stealing washing from her line.

I was so intimidated I tell you, I nearly pissed her pants.

My FIL's favorite line, whenever he heard that someone was pregnant:

"Do they know what's causing it?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was watching a bunch shoe store clerks arguing at a grocery store checkout line ...

It just kept escalating until an all-out bawl broke out at the store. At the end, the shoe store guys kicked the crap out of all the grocery packers. Just goes to show...

Baggers can't beat Shoes'ers ...

So a German, an Englishman and an Irishman...

...were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when they were arrested by Saudi police. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to ...

What do you call 10 cucumbers in line?

Queuecumbers

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bus full of Nuns falls off a cliff and they all die.

They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all through the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line." And they do so. St. Peter turns to ...

Good pickup line.

Two male flies are buzzing around the farmyard when they spot a female fly landing on a fresh pile of cow dung.
The one fly says, "Wow, she is cute! I'm going to try to talk to her, wish me luck."
He swoops down, lands right next to her and says, "Excuse me Miss, is this stool taken?"

The William Shatner wanted to start up a line of female underwear.

Unfortunately "Shatner Panties" wasnt the greatest brand name.

Apparently the tinnitus help line is down today...

...I tried calling but it just keeps ringing

In some places, line fishing is decreasing in popularity.

In other places, it’s becoming more common. But there’s been a net decrease.

This morning at the bank, while I was in line, two people with masks entered...there was TOTAL PANIC..

Then they said: “This is a robbery”...and we all calmed down...

While two families were waiting in line to see the Washington Monument,

their two five-year-old boys were getting acquainted.

"My name is Joshua. What’s yours?" asked the first boy.

"Adam," replied the second.

"My daddy is a doctor. What does your daddy do for a living?" asked Joshua.

Adam proudly replied, "My daddy is a lawyer."

"Hone...

Covid19 Pickup Lines

My girlfriend told me she likes it when I'm dirty so I washed my hands for 17 seconds instead of the recommended 20.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Best Come Back Line Ever.'

Police work must be entertaining as well as dangerous .

In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, in a pumpkin patch 12.01 a.m. on Friday.

On Monday, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young teenage girl was making a living as a prostitute

and for obvious reasons she kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but littl...

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom...

....First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.

Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.

Then he heads out to rent a limo....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman is in line at the grocery store

As she starts to load her food onto the conveyor belt, a drunk man gets in line behind her. As she finishes emptying her basket he leans over and says to her, "you must be single."

She's determined to ignore him, but as she waits she finds herself looking down at her groceries: milk, eggs, ap...

My neighbour just got arrested for growing weed

I guess my property line isn't where I thought it was

The lion decided to invite everyone to his birthday party. But, him being the king, he ordered everybody to bring him meat as a present, or else he will hit them with his massive dong. And soon, the day came and all the animals lined up infront of the lion's cave with their presents.

The Wolf wanted to gift the King lamb, the fox had a chicken, the leopard an antilope, and so on...The lion greeted all of his guests and welcomed them to the party. Suddenly, the rabbit stood infront of him with a carrot. All guests went silent. The lion looked him in the eyes and said: " You know...

If the line you're waiting in is too long...

Just cough and say "this damn cough I got since I got back from China".

A guy and a girl are going to prom together.

She wants a new dress, so they spend time shopping for the dress and he stands in line for the checkout for a very long time, but eventually makes it to the counter to buy the dress for her.

She also asks for a corsage, so the guy goes to the floral shop to buy her a corsage. The line is ver...

A man died and was waiting in line to get into Heaven.

He was third in line, and overheard St. Peter talking to the other souls.

"What were you in life?" St. Peter asked of one man.

"I was a personal injury lawyer," came the reply.

"Well, come with me," said St. Peter. "I will show you to your quarters." And St. Peter led the man ...

I called the Iranian suicide hot line...

And they asked if I could fly a plane.

“Doctor, there’s a patient on line 1 that says he’s invisible”

“Well, tell him I can’t see him right now.”

I'm fine with alchohol, cigarettes and marijuana

But coccaine is where I draw the line

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Aussie help line

Helpline Agent: "G'day mate, Aussie help line ere, what's the problem cobber?

Guy: "I'm in Darwin with my Sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp, and now her vagina has completely closed up"

Helpline Agent: "Ah bummer mate!"

Guy: "Cheers mate, I hadn't thought of tha...

do you know how they lined up the snobby prisoners?

they did it in con-descending order

New quarantine pickup line:

Hey baby, just call me COVID-19, because I want to be inside you for 14 days without you knowing.


Was told this was inappropriate at work.

[OC] What’s the difference between a fault line and a robot who just wants to be friends?

What’s the difference between a fault line and a robot who just wants to be friends?

One is a tectonic plate and the other is platonic tech

After working over 10 hours with no break, I was excited to see catering had made Vietnamese food. But I didn't have time to get any because there was a huge line.

Well that felt like a big "pho queue".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife and I went on our honeymoon to Australia, but unfortunately, I had to dial the help line. "G'day this is Tim, you've reached the Aussie help line. How can we help ya?"

I told him, "We were in the ocean and my wife was stung by a jellyfish on her lady parts. Her vagina is completely swollen shut. It's our honeymoon, and well....ya know."

The guy on the help line replies, "Ah, bummer mate!"

I say, "I hadn't thought of that! Thanks for the advice. You'v...

A female crab sees a male crab walking in a straight line

Amazed by the crab's rare gait, she is smitten.

She asks him to marry her, and he happily agrees.

The next day, she notices that he is walking normally in a zigzag pattern.

She is shocked. She asks him why he is walking in this manner now.

He replies, "Baby, I can't be th...

I came up with a new pickup line

If I could rearrange you alphabet, I’d put U next to D

A man spills a glass of water, and the water trickles and forms a line on the floor. He then spills a glass of milk, and it also makes a line. But to his shock, when he spills a glass of punch...

...there is no punchline

Got my first date of 2020 already lined up

I mean, its a court date but its still a date and I am getting dressed up

You think the lines at the grocery store are long?

Just wait until you see the wait time to schedule an appointment with your obstetrician this fall!

Suicide prevention line motto:

We never leave you hanging

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Things to say, that won't get you the job. (Whose line: SFaH style)

"Now...i would like monday through saturday off..."

"So I have no clue why I'm here but it pays good right?"

"I need this job to pay for my weed, is that cool?"

20 Years down the line, the truth about Jefferey Epstein will come out

His name was spelled Epstain the whole time

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A recent scam has popped up involving a prostitute, a bit of cocaine and a kitchen appliance

People have been falling for it, hooker, line and sink.

What is the definition of parallel lines?

You just described your love life..

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Best pick up line for 2020

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
The FBI wants to steal my penis,
Can I hide it inside you?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A big muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store...

..and asks, “W-w-w-what’s y-y-your L-l-lay a-a-away p-p-policy?” The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing. The man repeats himself: “W-w-w whats y-y-your L-l-lay a-a-away p-p-policy?” Again, the clerk doesnt answer him. The guy asks several more times: “W-w-w-whats y-y-your L-...

Some people stood in line for 3 hours tonight in Houston.

Once they finished paying for their groceries at Wal Mart, then they went to vote.

Ten chimpanzees are standing in a line.

The 1st, 3rd, 5th, and 7th chimps are asked to step forward.

They are the prime apes.

There’s a fine line between poverty and stupidity

And Trump wants to build a wall on it

What pickup line do you use on the devil?

Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?

A good looking man walked into a singles bar, bought a drink and settled down ready to use his best lines.

But for the next two hours every woman he approached gave him the brush-off. Then suddenly a really ugly guy walked in and within seconds he was surrounded by beautiful, available women. A few minutes later he sauntered out with a stunning brunette on each arm.

The handsome guy was thoroughly...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why are the streets of Paris lined with trees?

The Nazis liked to park their tanks in the shade.

A man walked by a stand giving away free samples of fruit punch. He saw that the line was too long so he came back an hour later and guess what he saw!

There’s no punchline

A really annoying loophole

A bus carrying many people crashed on an icy road, burst into flames, and everyone died. Upon arrival in heaven, God said, "Since you have died in a terrible way, I'll grant you one wish before I let you into heaven." The first woman, being a person always concerned on her looks, comes up to God and...

TIL that after recording for Mulan, Eddie Murphy designed a line of sneakers for cows.

They were called Moo Shoes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went on one of them sex sites, and I managed to line up a threesome!

A couple of no-shows but I still had fun

Lined up a Threesome last night..

(NSFW) There were a couple of no-shows, but it was still a pretty good time

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

India has decided to boycott Chinese products on all fronts to protest the latter's stand on disputed territories and their failure to inform India on the Coronavirus.

Meanwhile, Chinese textile mills are rolling out an all-new clothing line: "Boycott China" and are anticipating great demand from India.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Smith family name gets its origin from a line of blacksmiths. The Cobbler family name get its origin from a line of shoe repairmen.

What the hell was going on with the Dickinson family?

A communist pickup line

Hey girl , i'd like to share my means of production with you.

Two Doctors and an HMO Manager Die and Line Up Together at the Pearly Gates of Heaven.

One doctor steps forward and tells St. Peter, "As a pediatric surgeon, I saved hundreds of children."

St. Peter lets him enter.

The next doctor says, "As a psychiatrist, I helped hundreds of people live better lives."

St. Peter tells him to go ahead inside.

The last man s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wealthy Texan oil tycoon made his way to Ireland one day

as he walked into an Irish pub there he made a declaration to all them that were in the room. He pulled out a wad of five-thousand dollars in cash and placed it on the bar. He said, " I hear you Irish can drink, so I put to you the challenge that not one of y'all can drink five hundred shots back to...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The condoms

A man was in a long line at his local Tesco store. As he got to the check out he realised he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register. She asked, "What size condoms?" The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to drop ...

There’s a group of funny people all in a line,

The one in the middle is a comedian.

When you average them all out, that’s the comean.
And those triplets at the end—they’re the comode.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I always get a smile out of people with this one line

"Smile if you don't want to have sex with me"

A drill sergeant ran his platoon of recruits all over the camp in the hot sun with heavy packs on.

As they stood there, exhausted, he put his face up to one of the recruit's face and said, "I'll bet you're wishing I would die so you could come and urinate on my grave, aren't you?"

And the recruit says, "No, sir! When I get out of the army I'm never gonna stand in another line again!"

PICKUP LINE: Don’t pay $5 for a footlong...

When you can get my 6 inch for free.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is sitting alone in an airport lounge when a beautiful woman sits at the table next to him.

He decides because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty stewardess.
So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.
He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto :

'To Fly. To Serve'....

If I ever opened a car repair shop, I would call it "Auto-Correct".

Then I'd paint the floor with those red squiggly lines...

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