A rapist and con artist get caught by the sheriff in a small town.

The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can. The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “ju...

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An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.

He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
...

3 men are in line for heaven

So three men are in the line for heaven and there is a new rule. When you approach the gates you have to say how you died and then you get in

So in the line, there are two fully dressed men and then a naked man

The angel says please come up and a dressed man does

The angel sa...

My neighbour banged on my door yesterday asking if I'd seen who stole her laundry off her line.

I got such a fright I almost wet her panties.

There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.

Only a fraction of people will find this funny.

Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One of them draws a line in the dirt and says, “If you cross this line, I’ll hit you in the face!”

That was the punchline.

A man goes to a tool store to buy a chainsaw. The server sells him the top-of-the-line model, saying that it will cut through over 100 trees in one day.

The man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees but after working for hours he only cuts down two trees.

“How can I cut for hours and hours and only finish two trees?” he asks himself.

Next day the man brings the chainsaw back to the store and says it doesn’t work prope...

Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible

Doctor: “Well, tell him I can't see him right now.”

A man goes to the Super Bowl but his tickets are for the upper tier. He spots an open seat on the 50-yard line and grabs it.

The guy sitting next to him says, “Actually, this seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven’t been together since we got married in 1967.”

“I’m sorry to hear that,” says the first man. “Couldn’t you find a friend or rel...

Why is the Australian emergency line is“000”?

Because it’ll look the same when your phone is upside down.

Two doctors and an HMO manager die and line up together at the Pearly Gates.

One doctor steps forward and tells St. Peter, “As a pediatric surgeon, I saved hundreds of children.”

St. Peter lets him enter.

The next doctor says, “As a psychiatrist, I helped thousands of people live better lives.”

St. Peter tells him to go ahead.

The last man says, “...

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A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble And he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab."

So he walked all the way to the airport and got home. Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.
He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings. There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver from last time th...

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My neighbor came at me really aggressively, asking if I knew anything about her underwear disappearing from her clothes line.

I can tell you I nearly shit her pants

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

4 nuns line up for confession

The first nun says: "forgive me father, for I have sinned. Last night, a homeless man sought shelter in our walls, so we gave him a room and some new clothes. While he was changing, I peaked through the keyhole and I stared longingly at his penis."

The priest says: "do not be ashamed, my chi...

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I (31m) just had the most uncomfortable experience of my life

I've always kinda wanted an iPhone but never had one before, so I go to the Apple Store to have a look. So there I am, when this middle aged guy comes up next to me, like really close. And then he starts asking me if I like the new iPhone, what do I think about the camera, am I thinking of getting o...

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A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan.

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor.

The next morning he wakes up to f...

Pick up lines for cross-eyed people

When you’re in the room both my eyes are on you

How long does it take to draw a line through a circle without going through the center?

About a secant

Pickup line for male hamsters to females

Are you from Amsterdam? Cause hamster , damn !!

What do you call several rabbits in a line walking backwards?

A receding hare-line

The punch line comes first

I have an idea for a time travel joke where

I proposed my Russian girlfriend and she said Yes!

For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home town of Moscow.

It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, "You may now kiss the bride", but I just assumed it was purely an American thing and didn't mind.
...

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A man is standing in line at the pearly gates...

When he strikes up a conversation with the man next to him. ''So how did you die,'' he asks him. The man responds ''Oh I froze to death. It wasn't too bad, pretty peaceful. What about you?''

The man says ''well I was a rich man with a huge house and a nice car and I began to think my wife was...

What did Asia say when Africa was next in line?

Europe.

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day.

Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've susp...

Some people are like parallel lines

Identical personalities but will never meet

There was a line drawing competition going on in Las Vegas...

The goal of the competition was to make the straightest line (7 ft long) with the weirdest material. Bobby Jay, a contestant, wanted to wow the judges so he could win the competition. So he decided to do something different.

Bobby wanted to make his line out of fruit punch, never seen before....

At one of USSR’s bread lines during 1985…

A man in the crowd mumbling to himself “No bread, no milk, no meat… what a shame” two policemen hearing of his mumbling and walk up to him, and says

“Citizen, if you said that 40 years ago you’d have been shot, so shut up and stand in line like everybody else.”

As the policemen leave, ...

What did soviet Russians call an 8-hour bread line?

Fast food

Funniest/Cheesiest pick-up lines?

“Are you a bank loan? Because you’ve got my interest”

My cousin has two tickets for the Super Bowl, 50 yard line seats.

He paid $5,000 each for them but he didn't realize last year when he bought them that it was going to be on the same day as his wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place...It's at St. Michael's Church, at 3 p.m. The bride's name is Jenny, she's 5'5", about 135 lbs.,...

What do you call a long line at a southern restaurant?

A barbequeue.

A man walks into a resort and the first sign he sees says “Lool Area”. He was confused and asked one of the employees about it.

“Yes, we have this tradition here, where we replace the first ‘P’ of a word that starts with P with an ‘L’."

The man thought this was strange, but as long as there were no other rules, he’d be fine. The man toured the resort and eventually came upon the cafeteria.

There was a sign whic...

I hate waiting in lines... I wish this woman...

...would hurry up and pick a suspect.

I was drawing a graph for my report expecting a straight line. But I got a curve.

What a plot twist

What do you call a line up of dolls?

A Barbie Queue

Copy-editing is a very stressful line of work

Every time one of us misses a period, we get really nervous.

How does a logician explain why long lines tend to form at the restroom after a movie?

If a lot of people have to urinate, a long line will tend to form. A lot of people *do* have to urinate after a movie, and thus there is a long restroom line. Put a bit more formally:
Pee implies queue. Pee, therefore queue.

Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me whether I wanted to watch a movie. She said, “What do you want to see?”

Me: You pick.

Her: You pick.

Me: I don’t care which movie. You pick.

Her: Sir, there are people behind you in line waiting to buy tickets.

Why do North Koreans draw lines so well?

They have a Supreme Ruler.

A pick up line for atheists

Did you fall from heaven?

Because your unbelievable.

When geese fly in a V do you know why one line is longer than the other?

There are more birds in that line.

Mafia Boss: I want the brake lines of this guy’s car to be rusting.

Chemist: I’m listening.

Mafia Boss: But make sure..it looks like an oxidant.

What do you call it when you have a fish on the line but it gets away?

Herring Loss.


Alternatively:

Q: Why was it so difficult for the old man to reel in his fish?



A: He was hard of herring.



Q: How can fish just ignore you completely?


A: They just tuna you out.



Q: Why is Timmy afraid to go ou...

When does a joke become a dad joke?

When the punchline becomes apparent.

When does the punchline become apparent?

After the delivery.

What happened to the frog who parked his car on the yellow lines?

It got toad

What do you call cucumbers in a line at the store?

Queuecumbers

Puma's new Jeans line has failed...

They were called Puma Pants.

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Wait, what was my line again??

An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day. "I’ve got you a job," says his agent. "That’s great," says the actor, what is it?" "Well," says his agent, "it’s a one-liner" "That’s okay," replies the actor, "I’ve been out of work for so long I’ll take anything. What’s the line?" "Hark, I h...

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My wife looked me in the eyes and said "honey, they're not wrinkles, or old age, they're laughter lines."

Nicest thing anyone's ever said about my scrotum.

3 men are in line to get into heaven

St. Peter is waiting at the gates of heaven and calls the first man up.

Peter says, "You never cheated on your wife! I'm going to let you drive around heaven in a Ferrari!"

So he gets in the car and drives off through the gates.

Peter then called 2nd man up. Peter says, "Oh no, ...

3 moles are digging underground in a single-file line.

The first mole stops digging and says, “I smell syrup!”

The second mole lifts up its head and says, “I smell honey!”

The mole in the back yells, “I smell mole-asses!”

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A young man was standing in line in the supermarket..

... When he notices a hot brunette waving at him and smiling. He was surprised to see such a gorgeous woman notice him and he felt he knew her from somewhere, no idea where, so he asked her:

"Excuse me, do we know each other from somewhere?

She replied:"I may be mistaken, but i think y...

I'm starting a new line of reversible coats

I can't wait to see how they turn out

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

F**ck cheesy chat-up lines, we need better break-up lines:

Hey baby, are you being followed? Because I've been seeing people behind your back.

Is it hot in here, or are you just suffocating me in this relationship?

I didn't know angels flew this close to the ground. Maybe that's because this angel's gained a little weight since we started goin...

I’m okay with smoking, alcohol, and marijuana.

But cocaine is where I draw the line.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I just told my next door neighbour we are moving out next week and she said “Great, that means you can stop stealing my undies off my clothes line”!

I nearly shit her pants when she said it.

How do you keep a silkworm in line?

Beat it with a toothpick

Euler's Number, an imaginary number, and the speed of light are all waiting in line to buy tickets to the show. In what order do they stand in line?

*i* before *e*, except after *c*.

Reddit is a lot like Whose Line Is It Anyway.

The jokes are made up and the points dont matter.

Apple just announced a new line of hidden camera surveillance products, including a glass that sits on your bathroom sink.

They're calling it The iCup.

The Soviet Union made the best bread in the world.

People would stand in line for days to get it.

A coke user waits in line for a bar.

That’s the joke. Thought it was a good line, I bet it made you snort.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Is it the first line or the punchline that goes here?

In the days of the wild west, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the fastest gunfighter in the world.

He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.

Sitting in a saloo...

Without a doubt, the Ford F-150

My favorite pickup line.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"G'Day mate, Aussie help line here. What's the problem, Cobber?" "I'm in Darwin with my Sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp. Now her pussy has completely closed up!"

"Bummer, mate!!"

"Thanks mate, I hadn't thought of that. Bye!"

what do you call fifty child molesters walking in a straight line?

A centi-peado-file

Do you know the funniest part of doing an office conga-line?

When you look back and realise you’re doing it alone and you’re not in an office, you’re in a psychiatric hospital.

The two lines

A man dies and goes to heaven. At the entrance to the pearly gates he looks ahead and sees two lines. One says "MEN WHO HAVE BEEN DOMINATED BY WOMEN THEIR ENTIRE LIVES" and another one for those who haven't.

The dominated line has men a mile long, queuing and waiting, seeming to stretch on f...

In Algreba, why is the vertical line test necessary?

You can't function without it

Different types of lines

Straight line

\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_

​

Dotted line

\_\_\_ \_\_\_ \_\_\_ \_\_\_

​

Stories of someone inhaling hookah

\_ \_ \_ \_ \_ \_ \_ \_ \_ \_ \_ \_ \_ \_ \_ \_ \_ \_ \_ \_ \_ \_ \_

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[long] A pregnant woman was standing in line at a bank.

All of a sudden a masked man bursts through the front door waving a gun wildly around. He shouts that he is robbing the bank and that everyone in it is now his hostages. The police soon arrive and in the ensuing stand off shots were exchanged from both sides, the woman was struck three times in her ...

Does anyone else hate it when a girl pulls the “I have a boyfriend” line on you when you aren’t even remotely interested in her?

Jesus! My wife acts really freaking strange sometimes!

What does "Maginot Line" mean in German?

"Speed bump ahead."

A Latino was standing in line for a long time

While waiting for a Super-Deluxe Juicinator 9000TM, A Latin man was casually strumming a small ukulele to pass the time for the sale.

After a couple of hours, the man is at the counter with 3 other people nearby; one has AirPods, the second is uncomfortably close to the counter, while the th...

Terrible pickup line

If I'm a squirrel and you're a tree can I stuff my nuts in your hole?

What do men with erectile dysfunction and the punch line of an anti-joke have in common?

They never come

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was in line behind this guy buying condoms and his card just got declined.

The old lady behind me whispered "He just got cock blocked by visa"

A Blonde, a Brunette and a Redhead are against a wall to be executed by a firing line.

Each is given an opportunity for last words. The Redhead is up first: she points and screams "Tornado!" Everyone freaks out and in the commotion she gets away. The Brunette is second and catches on the the plan: she points and screams "Tsunami," fleeing in the confusion. The Blonde has worked out a ...

Your palm lines tells a lot about you...

but your Browser history tells everything.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman checking out at the register of the grocery store puts bacon, milk, frozen peas, butter, and a can of soup on the conveyor belt. The man behind her in line see all this and says: “You must be single.” “Why, yes, I am, how did you know?” she asks.

“Cause you’re the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen in my entire life,” he says.

Whats the best pickup line ever?

"Hey, does this napkin smell like chloroform to you?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Reverse Pick-Up Lines

1. Girl are you a newspaper? Cause there’s a new fucking issue with you everyday
2. Oh my God, you're so funny ... looking.
3. Excuse me sir, are you the moon? Because I need you 238,000 miles away from me.
4. Are you a tree? Cause i when i see you i think ‘Leave’
5. Are you from Tenness...

I was using Spotify and they have this killer punch line:

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