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Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude in a garden, while a sexy and beautiful big breasted nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded do...

There's only a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.

Only a fraction of people will understand this.

A good looking man walked into a singles bar, bought a drink and settled down ready to use his best lines.

But for the next two hours every woman he approached gave him the brush-off. Then suddenly a really ugly guy walked in and within seconds he was surrounded by beautiful, available women. A few minutes later he sauntered out with a stunning brunette on each arm.

The handsome guy was thoroughly...

The lion decided to invite everyone to his birthday party. But, him being the king, he ordered everybody to bring him meat as a present, or else he will hit them with his massive dong. And soon, the day came and all the animals lined up infront of the lion's cave with their presents.

The Wolf wanted to gift the King lamb, the fox had a chicken, the leopard an antilope, and so on...The lion greeted all of his guests and welcomed them to the party. Suddenly, the rabbit stood infront of him with a carrot. All guests went silent. The lion looked him in the eyes and said: " You know...

Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight, when one draws a line in the dirt and slurs, “If you cross this line, I’ll hit you in the face.”

That was the punchline...

How do you pick a stoner out of a line up?

You WEED them out!

What do you call a line of rabbits marching backwards?

A receding hare line.

I started a job making plastic Dracula figurines but there’s only two of us in the production line.

I have to make every second Count.

There's a thin line between "Obsessive" and "Compulsive"

... it's a hyphen.

A Priest and a Taxi Driver Were Waiting in Line for Judgment at the Pearly Gates

The taxi driver was first. He went to St. Peter and said," I am Brandon Wilson. Taxi driver in New York for fifteen years." Saint Peter looked at his list and smiled. "Welcome Mr. Wilson. Take this silken robe and this golden staff and enter the gates of Heaven." The taxi driver walked through the ...

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Does anyone else hate it when a girl pulls the “I have a boyfriend” line on you when you aren’t even remotely interested in her?

...My wife really acts fucking strange sometimes.

Whats the last thing they give a Tickle Me Elmo when he rolls off the factory line?

Two test tickles

"Doctor, there's a man on line 1 who thinks he's invisible."

"Well, tell him we can't see him right now."

What do you get if you cross two kerbs, two lanes and a white line?

"I don't know", said the chicken, "but I'll find out."

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My pastor just started a new line of alcoholic beverages.

It's called Jesus Jews.

Faucet manufacturer Pfister is expanding their business with a line of high tech toilets

The p is silent.

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I started a transvestite only clothing line.

It's called Vera's Wang.

One of the lines in the song ‘Holly Jolly Christmas’ is, “I don’t know if there’ll be snow, but have a cup of cheer”.

I’m concerned that Tide Pod eaters will misunderstand.

I saw this guy in line for a cruise ship

And the security guard asks for his ticket. The guy starts trying to bluff his way past the security guard, saying that he just had it a moment ago and it must be on the ship, all the usual excuses. Well, the security guard was not having any of it, and the guy starts to get aggressive. Next thing I...

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My wife and I went on our honeymoon to Australia, but unfortunately, I had to dial the help line. "G'day this is Tim, you've reached the Aussie help line. How can we help ya?"

I told him, "We were in the ocean and my wife was stung by a jellyfish on her lady parts. Her vagina is completely swollen shut. It's our honeymoon, and well....ya know."

The guy on the help line replies, "Ah, bummer mate!"

I say, "I hadn't thought of that! Thanks for the advice. You'v...

If you took all the people in the world who fall asleep during church, and laid them head to toe in a straight line

They’d all be a lot more comfortable.

parallel lines

parallel lines have so much in common, it’s a shame they will never meet.

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Best pickup line:

Me: Can I smell your pussy?

Girl: no

Me: oh, it must be your feet then.

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A guy is on the bus and sees a beautiful nun.

Wanting to bang her, he walks up to her and says “wanna bang?“ To which the nun replies “hell no“ and proceeded to get off the bus. Distraught, the man ask the bus driver what to do. The bus driver replied, “well every night she goes to the cemetery and prays, So if you go dressed as God and tell he...

Bad pickup line: Dang girl, you smell like garbage...

Can I take you out?

Never get stuck behind The Devil in a line at the DMV.

For The Devil can take many forms.

Did you hear that Goop's new line of hair care products made from guano turned out to be fake?

It was *sham*poo.

The children were lined up in the cafeteria at a Catholic elementary school for lunch...

At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note and posted it on the apple tray: "Take only one.God is watching."Moving further along the lunch line,at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note:"Take all you want. God i...

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A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan.

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor.

The next morning he wakes up to fi...

Pick up lines: Girl are you a microwave

Because mmmmmmmmmmm

I was having breakfast at a hotel, and I went to get some orange juice but there was a long line of people waiting there for some. So I went to the Apple juice line, and again, there was a long line. So I decided to have some punch instead.

I was relieved to see that there was no punchline.

Minecraft PiCkUp LiNeS

Girl, are you a redstone torch, because you really turn me on

Did you hear about the Brazilian percussionist who was severely injured in a conga line?

He made a maraca-ulous recovery.



It came to me while in the elevator. I’m sorry.

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Land O Lakes just came out with a new product line

I was hoping for something butter, but there's only a margarinal difference

A lawyer and his friend waiting in line inside a bank when 5 robbers declared a hold up.

The robbers told everybody to lie down and put their money and jewelries inside the bag that the robbers are carrying. Then before the robbers reach the both of them, the lawyer gave his friend $2000-

Lawyer : That's the $2000 that i owe you

I just called the Tinnitus Hot Line

It didn't stop ringing

When you spend 3 hours in line at Jenny Craig to see a weight loss consultant . . .

You over wait.

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An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.

He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
...

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A British pilot was shot down behind enemy lines...

A British fighter pilot was shot down over German occupied airspace and was captured by the Nazis on the ground.

He was beaten up pretty bad in the dogfight and parachute landing, and they had to amputate his leg, so he begged them "Please, if you have to take my leg, can you drop it over my...

What’s a good musician pickup line?

You have a nice Fmaj7.

r/Jokes A man walks into a resort and the first sign he saw reads, ‘Lool Area’

He was confused and asks one of the employees about it.

“Yes, we have this tradition here, we replace the first ‘P’ of any word that starts with P with an ‘L’ because the owner hates the words that starts with letter ‘P’.”

The man thought this was strange, but as long as there were no ...

A group of robbers burst into a bank and line everybody inside up against the wall.

They then proceed to take anything of monetary value from the people. Among those about to be robbed are two bank accountants.
Suddenly, one of them thrusts something into the hand of the other.
“What’s this?” He whispered.
“It’s the fifty bucks I owe you.”

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My favorite pick-up line

“Hey babe, I just shit in my pants. Can I get in yours?”

A North Korean lady was in line in front of me at my bank in the U.S., trying to exchange some won. She was obviously irritated, arguing with the teller.

“Why it change? Yesterday I get two hunat dolla of won, today I get
only one hunat eighty. Why it change?”

Teller shrugs his shoulders, says, “Fluctuations.”

Korean lady says, “Fluc you white people too!”

Where did the two men line up to get their marriage certificate?

In the LGBT-queue

A farmer walks into a hardware store and asks for a chainsaw that can cut down 6 trees in one hour. The salesman recommends the top of the line model. The farmer is suitably impressed, and buys it.

The next day he brings it back, complaining that it would only cut down 1 tree and it took ALL DAY! The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what’s wrong, and the farmer says: “What’s that noise?”

What's the go-to pickup line when flirting with a communist?

You take our breath away.

My father who comes from a long line of clowns just retired and wants me to continue the family legacy.

I've got some big shoes to fill

Did you know? If you lay an average man's circulatory system out in a straight line,

He'd die.

What is a youtuber’s favorite line?

Leave it in the comments down below.

What Do You Call A Line Of Men Waiting For A Haircut? With thanks to my 9 year old

A Barbecue.

A guy walks into a bar and orders a punch

The bartender says “Sir, if you wanna punch, you gotta get in line.”
The guy looks around but there is no punch line

You should never cut off an addicts supply line, they will lash out in anger and do everything in their power to stop you.

This is why I avoid talking about abortions with my Priest.

In line at Burger King the other day, when I finally get to the counter the lady says sorry about the wait.

I said, "don't worry ma'am, you'll lose that eventually."

Justin Trudeau gets a line in the new Terminator movie.

"I'll be black"

A guy was boarding a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight

“This is exciting!” the guy thought. “I’ve always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I’ll be able to see him in person.” Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope!

In the beginning, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness.

Shortly after take-off, the Po...

If topography was converted to a line graph.

Then America peaked somewhere around the Rockies.

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A train hits a bus full of Catholic highschool girls

They all arrive at the pearly gates, waiting in line to enter heaven.

St. Peter asks the first girl, "Mary, have you ever had any contact with a penis?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, "Well, dip the tip of your f...

My new line of heavy duty adult diapers will be called pangaea pull-ups,

It's for the super-incontinent

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A crowded United Airlines flight was cancelled. A single agent was re booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said “I have to be on this flight and it has to be first class.”

The agent replied, “I am sorry, sir. I’ll be happy to try to help you, but I’ve got to help these folks first, and I’m sure we’ll be able to work something out.”

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, “Do you have any idea who I am?”

Without hesitating, the agent smiled and gr...

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My gf asked me if she could snort a line of cocaine on my erect dick,

I got so weirded out by this demand of hers that I had to dickline it.

An engineer is giving a lecture at the local college...

The lecture hall is completely full with a line out the door of people trying to get in. From the outside of the building the audience could be heard erupting with laughter, applause, oohs and aahs, and gasps of surprise.

A man walking by sees the line out the door and hears the commotion co...

A young boys and his mother are waiting in the line in McDonald.

Suddenly the boy shouts:

\- "Mom, I want to pee."

The mother takes him to the toilet and tells him:

\- "You are a grown up boy. Don't say you want to pee, again! Instead, tell me that you want to whistle then I will take you to the toilet".

Now, it's night and the moth...

In Moscow, between the '80s and the '90s

Two friends are waiting in the breadline, when one of them says:

"Ugh, I can't take it anymore, we're waiting from 4 hours and still nothing."

"Yeah, and so? What are you gonna do?"

"Know what? Let's end all this! I'm gonna kill Gorbachëv!"

And he walks away.

After...

My neighbor got busted for growing weed...

Apparently my property line isn’t where I thought

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A good joke should have unexpected turns, cross a few lines, keep you on the edge of your seat, make you wonder how the hell it's all gonna end and may even make you piss yourself. Pretty simple guidelines.

I try to use them when I make jokes. My wife tried to use them when she drove me to work today.

Three blondes were taking a walk in the country when they came upon a line of tracks.

The first blonde said, "Those must be deer tracks!"
The second blonde said, "No, stupid, anyone can tell those are rabbit tracks!"

The third one was hit by the train.

Did you hear about the line of veggie burgers released by Greta Van Fleet?

They are 100% plant-based.

The class had to write a short, rhyming, two-lines poem as homework.

Lisa stands up and proudly recites :



*Yesterday, my Dad and I we went to town*

*And I got a nice blue bike of my own.*



"That's a lovely poem, Lisa!" says the teacher.

Now it's Timmy's turn. He stands up and recites theatrically :



*When octob...

Two actors are practicing their lines for a show.

The first guy says: "How could you do this to me? I hate you!" The second says: "You're making me so angry I swear I'm going to PUNCH you!" The first says "That line sounds cheesy. It makes it seem like a children's show. Let's talk to the writers about it." So they go the the writers and explain th...

Have you ever seen a conga line of cars?

Neither had I, so I joined in to see where they were heading.

When we arrived at the graveyard I realized this may have been a cult gathering and decided to crash the party.

As the cult leader started his ritual prayer I unloaded my pistol into the air causing mass panic.

The cr...

I called a suicide support line in the middle east

They got excited and asked me i if i know how to drive a car

A politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and ...

I used to work on an assembly line making pregnancy pamphlets, but I quit.

I got tired of labor manuals.

What do you call no lines at the water park?

*A wet dream.*

Why do North Koreans draw lines so well?

They have a Supreme Ruler.

Why is the Australian emergency line is“000”?

Because it’ll look the same when your phone is upside down.

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The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus.

They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two points in his body.. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his hea...

How is a long line at a Vietnamese soup restaurant an insult?

It’s a big pho queue.

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Zip line....

My grandfather was getting measured for a hand made suit at a very upscale tailor. The tailor asked him if he would prefer a zipper or buttons for the fly. Grandad thought about it and said, "Let's go with the buttons they're quieter in the movies."

Feel old yet?

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "surely I can't look that old.". Well . . . you'll love this one..The stuff is from a lady called Amy

"My name is Amy. I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.

I noticed his ...

A private ran to his General, sending a message from the front lines. He was in utter distress.

"Sir! We are outnumbered three to one, and..."

"Private! Get me my red shirt," he interrupted, "When I bleed in battle, I don't want the soldiers to be discouraged."

"Sir! You don't understand, they have battalions of heavy artillery, and their tanks are twice the..."

The Genera...

A pee themed pickup line

Normally you’re a 4 or 5, but damn girl, when you’re peeing, urinate

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A man was in line to meet the Pope. He was wearing his best suit.

The Pope came towards him. But, he stopped and whispered something in the ear of the man right next to him. This man was a bum dressed in a dirty shirt, ripped pants, and he smelled bad. “Of course,” thought the man.”He wouldn’t stop to meet me.The Pope only talks to the needy and misfortune.” So, h...

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F**ck cheesy chat-up lines, we need better break-up lines:

Hey baby, are you being followed? Because I've been seeing people behind your back.

Is it hot in here, or are you just suffocating me in this relationship?

I didn't know angels flew this close to the ground. Maybe that's because this angel's gained a little weight since we started goin...

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Three men get lost in a forest and kidnapped by a cannibal tribe...

The chief tells them that since they don't seem to mean any harm, they must pass a test and if they do, he'll let them go free, he'll even point them in the direction of civilization. But if they cannot complete the test, they will be killed and served for dinner. First, he sends each of the men in ...

A man is standing in a bread line in Soviet Russia.

He is mumbling to himself. "No bread, no milk, no meat, what a shame". Two policemen walking the beat hearing his mumbling walk up to him, and say:

"Citizen, if you said that 40 years ago you'd be shot, so just shut up and stand in line like everybody else"

As the policemen leave, the ...

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A man walks into a bar...

He goes up to the bartender and asks him if he likes to gamble.

The bartender says, "Sure, I'll take a bet. What's your action?"

The man offers a $50 bet that he can bite his own eyeball. The bartender, thinking it's easy money, accepts his bet, and is shocked when the man removes his ...

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Four men went golfing together one day...

Three headed to the first tee and one went into the club house to take care of the bill.

The three men started talking, bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder and he's so successful that he gave a friend a new home - for free."

The second ma...

A drill sergeant is talking to his new recruits standing in a line.

Drill sergeant : “SMITH”
Smith: “Yes Sir”

Drill sergeant : “I did not see you at the camouflage practice today”
Smith: “Thank you, sir !”

Trump, Obama, Clinton, and Bush decided to have a sprinting race

Trump, Obama, Clinton, and Bush decided to have a sprinting race to see who's the fastest

Trump went first and he ran from the start to the finish line in 23:34 minutes

Clinton went second and got 15:28 minutes

Obama went after and did 10 minutes, thinking he may have won, Obama...

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A Bishop has heard a rumor that some of his priests had sexual tentations

He decides to test their will to follow their oath of Chastity.
He summons the 10 priests in the dining room the next morning, asks them to stand in line, takes their pants down and knots a little bell to their d*cks.

He claps his hands and a beautiful blonde woman appears out of the fro...

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Superhero Nude Beach

Before I write the joke, I wanted to give credit to who it came from. I worked as a reporter very briefly, and we had an older fella that would always tell us one joke a day. He was a great guy and I just wanted to pass on one of his jokes that always stood out to me, so here it is.

If you we...

The lines in the LGBT community flag are straight.

Ironic.

So, Hillary Clinton does a presentation at a high school to inform youngsters about politics and encourage them to be more politically active and engage in the civil process more.

After she’s done, she invites people to form a line behind a microphone to ask questions to her. One little fifth grader, called Kennith, steps up to the plate.

“What’s your name?” asks Hillary.

“Kennith,” replies the boy.

Hillary asks, “What’s your question, Kennith?”

...

A woman is standing in the check out line at the market, ringing up her groceries...

When a man gets in line behind her with his cart. As she's ringing up her items the man looks at her groceries, then looks at her.

Again, he looks at her groceries, then back to her.

She notices this after a moment as asks "can I help you?"

He replies, "you must be single huh?"...

A circus tamer was trying to arrange a trick where he'd have 50 bears marching in perfect lines, but they always ended up walking in circles, leading him to almost selling his bears...

Turns out he was the problem all along, he just had to get his bear-rings straight.

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A man starts a new job on a construction site.

The site is 500 miles away from anybody else but it pays good so he's happy to start. On his first day the foreman is showing him around the job site. Where he will be working, sleeping, and everything else. 


While on tour, the man notices a line of men waiting to go behind a wooden fence...

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My neighbor came at me really aggressively, asking if I knew anything about her underwear disappearing from her clothes line.

I can tell you I nearly shit her pants

Three engineering students were discussing how God designed the human body.

The first one says, "God must be a mechanical engineer. Just look at the muscles and joints."

The second one says, "No, God is an electrical engineer. See all those neurons."

The third one said, "Actually, God is a civil engineer. Who else runs a toxic waste pipeline through a recreati...

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Why can't dyslexics tell jokes?

They always punch up the fuck line

The Hero reaches the champion and guard of the evil Emperor, and decides to say an epic line.

"My ancestors are smiling at me, Imperial. Can you say the same about you?"

To which the Imperial responds:

>!"No, I've never met your ancestors, why would they smile at me?"!<

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[NSFW] Count your days of blessing!

The monkey wife is tired of her husband's aggressive sex drive and so she prays to God for help. God appears and asks what can He do for her.
"Well, take his penis away for a month!", she goes. God tells her that that won't be fair to the monkey alone. "So take the dicks of all the animals for a...

A horse goes into a bar and orders a pint.

The bartender says "You know you're in here pretty often, do you think you might be an alcoholic?"

The horse replies: "I don't think I am" and promptly vanishes from existence.

See, this was a joke about Descartes' famous line from philosophy 'I think, therefore I am.' But if I had exp...

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom.

First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.

Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and sees that the line is so long it's coming out the front door. He gets in line anyway and eventually gets the flowers.

Then he...

A texan walks into an Irish bar.

A texan walks into an Irish bar and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to 12thanybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.”

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan’s of...

What do you call a bunch of people in line for smoked ribs and brisket?

A Bar-B-Queue.

What do you call a line of people gathered to roast Justin Bieber?

Bieberqueue.

After Mrs. Jacobs found out her husband was sterile, the couple decided to hire a proxy father...

After Mrs. Jacobs found out her husband was sterile, the couple decided to hire a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jacobs kissed his wife and said 'I'm off to work, Lydia. The guy should be here soon.'

Wouldn't you know it, a door-to-door baby...

Neanderthal pickup lines...

“Hey baby, I’m fully erect.”

What pickup line do the seven dwarves use?

Hi Hoe.

I punched my wall today.

After punching my wall, it created a line. For fun, I decided to hammer a nail into the line. I really nailed the punchline.

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There once was a baby born with no arms. His parents put him on the church's stairs and vanished.

The local priest took him in and raised him, eventually giving him the job of ringing the bell for evening mass. So, each day, the child lined up from across the room and ran as fast as he could to hit the bell with his head.

One day, the priest ate a banana and left the peel lying by the bel...

So I heard Katy Perry just lost a case for stealing a bass line, and will probably lose a bit of money?

I guess you can call that a *repercussion.*

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My nieghbour started shouting and screaming about me stealing clothes off her line...

I was so scared, I almost crapped her pants.

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