This morning at the bank, while I was in line, two people with masks entered...there was TOTAL PANIC..

Then they said: “This is a robbery”...and we all calmed down...

The William Shatner wanted to start up a line of female underwear.

Unfortunately "Shatner Panties" wasnt the greatest brand name.

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Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude in a garden, while a sexy and beautiful big breasted nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded do...

If the line you're waiting in is too long...

Just cough and say "this damn cough I got since I got back from China".

I called the Iranian suicide hot line...

And they asked if I could fly a plane.

A female crab sees a male crab walking in a straight line

Amazed by the crab's rare gait, she is smitten.

She asks him to marry her, and he happily agrees.

The next day, she notices that he is walking normally in a zigzag pattern.

She is shocked. She asks him why he is walking in this manner now.

He replies, "Baby, I can't be th...

A man died and was waiting in line to get into Heaven.

He was third in line, and overheard St. Peter talking to the other souls.

"What were you in life?" St. Peter asked of one man.

"I was a personal injury lawyer," came the reply.

"Well, come with me," said St. Peter. "I will show you to your quarters." And St. Peter led the man ...

Parallel lines have so much in common

It’s a shame they’ll never meet.

Suicide prevention line motto:

We never leave you hanging

[OC] What’s the difference between a fault line and a robot who just wants to be friends?

What’s the difference between a fault line and a robot who just wants to be friends?

One is a tectonic plate and the other is platonic tech

I have a new pick up line that works every time:

"Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion?

Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?"

The punch line is told first

How do you destroy a joke ?

20 Years down the line, the truth about Jefferey Epstein will come out

His name was spelled Epstain the whole time

What is the definition of parallel lines?

You just described your love life..

At a party, people start lining up for some juice.

The line gets so long that it is impossible to see where the line ends anymore.
Eventually, someone asks, “Where’s the punch line?”
Someone replies, “There is no punch line. This is the Juice line.”

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A big muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store...

..and asks, “W-w-w-what’s y-y-your L-l-lay a-a-away p-p-policy?” The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing. The man repeats himself: “W-w-w whats y-y-your L-l-lay a-a-away p-p-policy?” Again, the clerk doesnt answer him. The guy asks several more times: “W-w-w-whats y-y-your L-...

A man spills a glass of water, and the water trickles and forms a line on the floor. He then spills a glass of milk, and it also makes a line. But to his shock, when he spills a glass of punch...

...there is no punchline

There’s a fine line between poverty and stupidity

And Trump wants to build a wall on it

Some people stood in line for 3 hours tonight in Houston.

Once they finished paying for their groceries at Wal Mart, then they went to vote.

Got my first date of 2020 already lined up

I mean, its a court date but its still a date and I am getting dressed up

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Best pick up line for 2020

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
The FBI wants to steal my penis,
Can I hide it inside you?

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A theatre company fired me for constantly forgetting the lines

Which is complete bullshit because I never turn up to rehearsals without coke

The lion decided to invite everyone to his birthday party. But, him being the king, he ordered everybody to bring him meat as a present, or else he will hit them with his massive dong. And soon, the day came and all the animals lined up infront of the lion's cave with their presents.

The Wolf wanted to gift the King lamb, the fox had a chicken, the leopard an antilope, and so on...The lion greeted all of his guests and welcomed them to the party. Suddenly, the rabbit stood infront of him with a carrot. All guests went silent. The lion looked him in the eyes and said: " You know...

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Why are the streets of Paris lined with trees?

The Nazis liked to park their tanks in the shade.

A man walked by a stand giving away free samples of fruit punch. He saw that the line was too long so he came back an hour later and guess what he saw!

There’s no punchline

What do you call ten cucumbers lined up for a ride?

Queuecumbers

Lined up a Threesome last night..

(NSFW) There were a couple of no-shows, but it was still a pretty good time

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A sheep calls a sex line...



Sheep: I'd ram you so hard. Operator: Ewe are a baaaaaad boy!

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I went on one of them sex sites, and I managed to line up a threesome!

A couple of no-shows but I still had fun

William Shatner, alias Captain Kirk, has discontinued his line of ladies underwear...

In hindsight "Shatner Panties" probably wasn't the best name choice.

What pickup line do you use on the devil?

Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?

Two Doctors and an HMO Manager Die and Line Up Together at the Pearly Gates of Heaven.

One doctor steps forward and tells St. Peter, "As a pediatric surgeon, I saved hundreds of children."

St. Peter lets him enter.

The next doctor says, "As a psychiatrist, I helped hundreds of people live better lives."

St. Peter tells him to go ahead inside.

The last man s...

Ten chimpanzees are standing in a line.

The 1st, 3rd, 5th, and 7th chimps are asked to step forward.

They are the prime apes.

There's only a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.

Only a fraction of people will understand this.

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I always get a smile out of people with this one line

"Smile if you don't want to have sex with me"

A good looking man walked into a singles bar, bought a drink and settled down ready to use his best lines.

But for the next two hours every woman he approached gave him the brush-off. Then suddenly a really ugly guy walked in and within seconds he was surrounded by beautiful, available women. A few minutes later he sauntered out with a stunning brunette on each arm.

The handsome guy was thoroughly...

You cross this line and I'll punch you in the face.

I guess that's the punchline.

There’s a group of funny people all in a line,

The one in the middle is a comedian.

When you average them all out, that’s the comean.
And those triplets at the end—they’re the comode.

So a German, an Englishman and an Irishman

were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when they were arrested by Saudi police. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to app...

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The Smith family name gets its origin from a line of blacksmiths. The Cobbler family name get its origin from a line of shoe repairmen.

What the hell was going on with the Dickinson family?

Creepy Chat Up Line

Guy: Is your Father in prison?

Girl: Because he stole the stars from the sky and put them in my eyes?

Guy: No, because if I was your Father I'd be in prison.

Why did all the hair dressers line up outside a restaurant?

Barberqueue nation

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My wife and I went on our honeymoon to Australia, but unfortunately, I had to dial the help line. "G'day this is Tim, you've reached the Aussie help line. How can we help ya?"

I told him, "We were in the ocean and my wife was stung by a jellyfish on her lady parts. Her vagina is completely swollen shut. It's our honeymoon, and well....ya know."

The guy on the help line replies, "Ah, bummer mate!"

I say, "I hadn't thought of that! Thanks for the advice. You'v...

PICKUP LINE: Don’t pay $5 for a footlong...

When you can get my 6 inch for free.

Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight, when one draws a line in the dirt and slurs, “If you cross this line, I’ll hit you in the face.”

That was the punchline...

What's worse than attaching a baby to a washing line and spinning it around at 100mph?

Stopping it with a shovel.

See? To prove I'm not some boring house dad I went and got a tattoo!

Her: Oh, cool! It's.. uh?

Me: (proudly) It's my thermos! From work!

Her: (reaching towards me) Well, uh, the line work is certainly..

Me: (slaps hand away) Don't touch the thermos tat.

Electrician goes into coma after coming in contact with power lines.

“He should be fine,” say the doctors. “He’s just taking a power nap.”

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4 nuns line up outside the gates of heaven.

God greets them and says: "If you all want to go to heaven, you must gain purity." He asks the first nun "Have you ever touched a penis before?". The nun says "Yes, with the tip of my finger". God tells her not worry and to dip her finger in the holy water in front of them. She does so and goes thro...

My cocaine addiction has grown out of control recently, so I decided to draw the line....

And then I snorted it.

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A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab."

He walked all the way to the airport and got home.

Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.

He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings.

There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver fro...

A man in line for cucumbers in USSR is fed up

and says to the man behind him in line "This is BS! I'm going to get a gun and kill everybody in the Kremlin!".

He returns to the line with a dejected look on his face a couple of hours later. Everyone asks "What happened? Did you kill them?"

He answers "No. The line was even long...

What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?

632 hallmark Christmas movies

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(NSFW) Three guys are hanging out together at a house. One is white, one is black, and one is Mexican. After doing a couple lines of coke, they are all revved up and horny. The white guy says “hey we should get a hooker and we can take turns for a little entertainment”

The other two guys agree this is a great idea and so the white guy makes a phone call to a pimp. Ten minutes later, a prostitute arrives.

After a few minutes of discussion, the white guy says “well I paid for her so I’m going first”. The other two guys, while annoyed, agree to this.

T...

I started a job making plastic Dracula figurines but there’s only two of us in the production line.

I have to make every second Count.

I have loads of pick up lines about unemployed people...

Unfortunately, none of them work

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Does anyone else hate it when a girl pulls the “I have a boyfriend” line on you when you aren’t even remotely interested in her?

...My wife really acts fucking strange sometimes.

3 guys in line for heaven

3 men die and are waiting in line for heaven. The guy at the gate who decides if they can get in or not tells them,

"Alright, so in the book of life, i have lost everything that has happened in the last 30 minutes. If you can give me an honest account of what happened to you in your last few ...

My wisdom will kill me one day

I went to the liquor store yesterday on my bicycle, bought a bottle of whisky and put it in the bicycle basket

As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break. So I drank all the whisky before I cycled home.

It turned out to be a very...

Whats the last thing they give a Tickle Me Elmo when he rolls off the factory line?

Two test tickles

How do you pick a stoner out of a line up?

You WEED them out!

A Texan walks into an Irish bar...

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back to back."

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's of...

If there was a naked man hanging on your clothes line would you leave him there...

Or pull him off?

What do you call a line of rabbits marching backwards?

A receding hare line.

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An Irish daughter (an oldie but goodie)

An Irish daughter had not been to the house for over five years. Upon her return, her father cussed her out, "Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't you know what you put...

What do you get if you cross two kerbs, two lanes and a white line?

"I don't know", said the chicken, "but I'll find out."

At a bar, my friend made a remarkable shot in pool, and I asked how he did it.

He said, "When I am about to take a shot, it's like magic, I can just see the line where I need to shoot."

Then he threw a dart and got a bullseye on the first throw and I asked how he could aim the dart so well.

He said, "When I am about to throw a dart, it's like magic, I can just se...

A man dies and goes to hell.

Once there, he finds that there is a different hell for each country, so he tries to seek out the least painful one.

At the door to German Hell, he is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes ...

A Priest and a Taxi Driver Were Waiting in Line for Judgment at the Pearly Gates

The taxi driver was first. He went to St. Peter and said," I am Brandon Wilson. Taxi driver in New York for fifteen years." Saint Peter looked at his list and smiled. "Welcome Mr. Wilson. Take this silken robe and this golden staff and enter the gates of Heaven." The taxi driver walked through the ...

A politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and ...

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a list of puns!

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says,...

There's a thin line between "Obsessive" and "Compulsive"

... it's a hyphen.

"Doctor, there's a man on line 1 who thinks he's invisible."

"Well, tell him we can't see him right now."

You know how some birds fly in V formations? Do you know why one line is always longer than the other?

It has more birds in it.

What do you call 100 blondes waiting in line?

A Barbie-queue

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Best pickup line:

Me: Can I smell your pussy?

Girl: no

Me: oh, it must be your feet then.

One of the lines in the song ‘Holly Jolly Christmas’ is, “I don’t know if there’ll be snow, but have a cup of cheer”.

I’m concerned that Tide Pod eaters will misunderstand.

Never get stuck behind The Devil in a line at the DMV.

For The Devil can take many forms.

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My pastor just started a new line of alcoholic beverages.

It's called Jesus Jews.

If you took all the people in the world who fall asleep during church, and laid them head to toe in a straight line

They’d all be a lot more comfortable.

I saw this guy in line for a cruise ship

And the security guard asks for his ticket. The guy starts trying to bluff his way past the security guard, saying that he just had it a moment ago and it must be on the ship, all the usual excuses. Well, the security guard was not having any of it, and the guy starts to get aggressive. Next thing I...

Faucet manufacturer Pfister is expanding their business with a line of high tech toilets

The p is silent.

Bad pickup line: Dang girl, you smell like garbage...

Can I take you out?

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I started a transvestite only clothing line.

It's called Vera's Wang.

Pick up lines: Girl are you a microwave

Because mmmmmmmmmmm

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A guy is on the bus and sees a beautiful nun.

Wanting to bang her, he walks up to her and says “wanna bang?“ To which the nun replies “hell no“ and proceeded to get off the bus. Distraught, the man ask the bus driver what to do. The bus driver replied, “well every night she goes to the cemetery and prays, So if you go dressed as God and tell he...

A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck

When they died, God granted all of them one wish. The first person said, "I want to be gorgeous." God snapped his fingers and it happened. The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing. This went on and on throughout the group. God noticed the last man in line was laughing hysteri...

Did you hear that Goop's new line of hair care products made from guano turned out to be fake?

It was *sham*poo.

The children were lined up in the cafeteria at a Catholic elementary school for lunch...

At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note and posted it on the apple tray: "Take only one.God is watching."Moving further along the lunch line,at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note:"Take all you want. God i...

| don't understand why some people use fractions instead of decimals.

It's pointless.



But, anyway. You gotta draw the line somewhere, or
else people will think you're being irrational. But
that is beside the point.

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An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.

He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
...

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A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan.

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor.

The next morning he wakes up to fi...

Not sure if pickup lines are appropriate here, but: Are you a top-heavy dump truck?

‘Cause you look unstable but I wanna drop my dirty load in you.

Minecraft PiCkUp LiNeS

Girl, are you a redstone torch, because you really turn me on

Did you hear about the Brazilian percussionist who was severely injured in a conga line?

He made a maraca-ulous recovery.



It came to me while in the elevator. I’m sorry.

I was having breakfast at a hotel, and I went to get some orange juice but there was a long line of people waiting there for some. So I went to the Apple juice line, and again, there was a long line. So I decided to have some punch instead.

I was relieved to see that there was no punchline.

A lawyer and his friend waiting in line inside a bank when 5 robbers declared a hold up.

The robbers told everybody to lie down and put their money and jewelries inside the bag that the robbers are carrying. Then before the robbers reach the both of them, the lawyer gave his friend $2000-

Lawyer : That's the $2000 that i owe you

A North Korean lady was in line in front of me at my bank in the U.S., trying to exchange some won. She was obviously irritated, arguing with the teller.

“Why it change? Yesterday I get two hunat dolla of won, today I get
only one hunat eighty. Why it change?”

Teller shrugs his shoulders, says, “Fluctuations.”

Korean lady says, “Fluc you white people too!”

A farmer walks into a hardware store and asks for a chainsaw that can cut down 6 trees in one hour. The salesman recommends the top of the line model. The farmer is suitably impressed, and buys it.

The next day he brings it back, complaining that it would only cut down 1 tree and it took ALL DAY! The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what’s wrong, and the farmer says: “What’s that noise?”

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Land O Lakes just came out with a new product line

I was hoping for something butter, but there's only a margarinal difference

What’s a good musician pickup line?

You have a nice Fmaj7.

When you spend 3 hours in line at Jenny Craig to see a weight loss consultant . . .

You over wait.

Why do North Koreans draw lines so well?

They have a Supreme Ruler.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

F**ck cheesy chat-up lines, we need better break-up lines:

Hey baby, are you being followed? Because I've been seeing people behind your back.

Is it hot in here, or are you just suffocating me in this relationship?

I didn't know angels flew this close to the ground. Maybe that's because this angel's gained a little weight since we started goin...

My father who comes from a long line of clowns just retired and wants me to continue the family legacy.

I've got some big shoes to fill

Why are there no good jokes about Jim Jones?

All the punch lines are too long.

What is a youtuber’s favorite line?

Leave it in the comments down below.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A drill sergeant is yelling at private.

“Son, I bet you can’t wait for me to die so you can piss on my grave!”

The private emphatically replies, “No sir! Once I get out of the army I’m never gonna stand in line again. “

Rick, a salesman, specilized in real estate. As he was talking to a client names Down about a property. The client said to Rick...

"Never in my life have i seen such a pretty house!"

"Gonna buy it?" asked Rick.

"Give me the paperwork" said Down. "I'm gonna."

"You made the right choice." said Rick, while grinning a grin. What he had neglected to tell his client was thay the upstairs was completly damaged....

A group of robbers burst into a bank and line everybody inside up against the wall.

They then proceed to take anything of monetary value from the people. Among those about to be robbed are two bank accountants.
Suddenly, one of them thrusts something into the hand of the other.
“What’s this?” He whispered.
“It’s the fifty bucks I owe you.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So this guy decides to take off work to go golfing.

So he's there on the Green, about to head his ball, when he hears, "Ribbit! Nine-iron!"

He looks down and there's a little frog next to his foot. "What did you say, little frog?"

And the frog repeats. "Ribbit! Nine-iron!"

So the man shrugs, figures what the hell, switches cl...

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