A Doctor was chatting at a party with a Chartered Accountant.

He asked, "How do I manage this delicate issue when people even at a party like this ask me about their joint pains and heartburn and gas trouble. Just because I am a doctor.... not fair!"

The CA friend replied coolly, "Just tell them the right things politely but send them a bill from your c...

My girlfriend has an onlyfans account and it’s doing really well

I just have to figure out how to break the news to her

I got my first job as an accountant at 22, right out of college. Suddenly, the week after I turned 30, they fired me.

13 years of loyal service to the company, down the drain.

I tried having my mother’s phone disconnected, but customer service told me that since the account was in my dad’s name, he’d have to be the one to put in the request.....

The fact that he’d been dead for 40 years didn’t sway the rep. Then a solution hit me: “If I stop paying the bill, you can turn off the service, right?”

“Well, yes,” she said reluctantly. “But that would ruin his credit.”

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A rude man walks into the bank and tells the teller: "I want to open a fucking checking account." The teller, upset, says "We don't tolerate language like that here."

The man asks "What's the fucking problem? It's not like anyone really gives a shit!"

The teller then leaves without a word, to go and speak to the manager about how to deal with this man. The manager, hearing the story, goes back to the man to see what the problem is.

After asking the ...

Hear about the accountant who had constipation?

He couldn't budge it...

So he penciled it out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I first started using reddit, I had problems creating a new account

I tried to use "penis" as my password but they said it was too short.

I really think OSHA should make an OnlyFans account

They're some of the leading experts in NSFW content after all

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What's the traditional greeting among prostitute-accountants?

Tally ho!

Who wants to buy my account?

It’s just under a buck.

My work offered to fund my retirement account in soup exclusively...

...I'm the first person to have a Broth IRA.

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An 18 year old Italian girl gets pregnant...

She tells her Mother that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl p...

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last night I was setting up a password for an account on something

I entered in "my dick", at first I thought the password was ok but then the website told me to try something longer. at this moment I wasn't upset I just wanted to know how they knew.

My friend let's everyone use his Amazon account for free shipping

We call him the Prime Minister

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Sex is like a bank account

You deposit, withdraw, then lose interest

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Do you smoke?

Lady: Do you smoke?

Guy: Yes I do.

Lady: How many packs a day?

Guy: 3 packs.

Lady: How much per pack?

Guy: $10.00 per pack.

Lady: And how long have you been smoking?

Guy: 15 years

Lady: So 1 pack is $10.00 and you have been smoking 3 packs a da...

I had a nightmare last night that my Tik Tok account was deleted

It was scary, because for a second I thought I had a Tik Tok account.

How did the pimp tell his account to get to work?

Tally Ho!

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A politician, drug dealer, beekeeper, priest, doctor, lawyer, accountant, engineer, prostitute, programmer, nurse, chef, forensic analyst, biologist, truck driver and a writer walk into a bar

It is a big bar. Very big one. And empty, or at least it was empty until this large group of people entered it.

They all form a queue in front of the bar and order drinks one by one. The politician gets a Heineken, the drug dealer orders a Budweiser, the beekeeper gets a mead, the priest buy...

If Christ were alive today, he'd have a huge retirement account

because Jesus saves.

What does an Alaskan accountant and sociopath have in common?

They're both cold and calculating.

I made an account on a dating site for people with sleep apnea.

I got a couple of messages but I'm too tired to check them out.

Where do accountants buy all of their clothes?

The GAAP.

What’s a pirate’s least favorite letter?

Dear Sir or Madam,

Your IP address has been flagged for illegally downloading movies. We will have to suspend your account, pending further investigation.

Sincerely,

Your Internet Provider

Netflix is making a show about a shrub, based on a Twitter account. Some people are excited, but I'm not sure...

It seems like a corporate plant.

To the hacker who hacked into my reddit account, I will find you.

(Edit: no, you won’t)

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Three guys are walking through the woods...

Three guys are walking through the woods when they find an old lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie (of course). It booms "You have freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."

The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars....

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The head of an organized crime syndicate realized his accountant had been skimming money from him for years.

Unfortunately the accountant only spoke Russian. So the boss hired a Russian interpreter and busted into the accountant’s home.

He tells to the interpreter, “tell him I want to know where my money is, AND I WANT TO KNOW RIGHT NOW!!” The interpreter conveys the message in Russian and the acco...

On their 40th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration...

"Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"

Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness --and a great many other qualities you wouldn't...

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A Harvard Law graduate starts first day on the job

The president of the firm says, “If you marry my daughter, I’ll make you a partner, give you an unlimited expense account, a new Mercedes, and a million dollar annual salary, in addition to your fees from the cases you take on.”

The guy says, “I don’t get it. Is something wrong with her?" The...

Did you hear about the constipated accountant?

He worked it out with a pencil

How does an accountant fix constipation?

Works it out with a pencil

An artist, accountant and engineer have lunch

The conversation turns to their lives, and then their partners and relationships.

The accountant says "Marriage for me. I love my wife, she's my rock, she's always there for me, I'm nothing without her. I owe her everything."

The artist says "I'd never marry. I am lost without my mistr...

Why do certain people become accountants?

They don't have the charisma to be an undertaker.

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My wife left me on account of my weird fetishes

I said "Fine! Slam the door on my dick on your way out!"

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Choose a new password :

Choose a new password :

potato

Sorry, password must contain at least 8 letters.

boiled potato

Sorry, password must contain at least one number.

1 boiled potato

Sorry, password cannot contain spaces

50fuckingboiledpotatoes

Sorry, password mu...

A New York accountant asks to borrow his friends car...

He says, "I promise it'll be worth you're while, I'd-appreciate it"

Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?

They were Prime mates.

The owner of this account just passed...

...McDonalds.

Y'all want something?

Mama always said “Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.”

Well I did it! Bank balance: 9.11!

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What's in a name?

An American college student visits Ireland while traveling throughout Europe. He finds a quiet town and enters a pub. It's empty save for the bartender and an old man at the far end of the bar. The American student sits down and politely orders a Guinness.

The old man speaks loudly and unprom...

Why did the accountant go crazy?

He started to hear invoices in his head.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(NSFW) A man walks into a bank and says to the the teller, “I want to open a fucking checking account.”

The astonished woman replies, “I beg your pardon, but we don’t tolerate language like that in this bank.”

The teller then leaves the window and walks over to her manager to explain the situation.

The manager agrees that the teller shouldn’t have to put up with that kind of language. <...

Sonyu, the famous monk, asked his wise master why he had a reddit account.

The wise master replied :

The joke, Sonyu.

An accountant is walking down the street when he comes across a bum. “Spare some loose change?” asks the bum. “And why should I do that?” asks the accountant. Because I’m broke. Haven’t got a penny to my name and nothing to eat,” says the bum.

“I see,” says the accountant. “And how does this compare to the same quarter last year?”

My Account is 3 Months and 14 Days Old, So It's Not My Cake Day

It's my Pie Day

Pie Day's over, get out of my house

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In honor of Norm Macdonald, here is my favorite joke of his.

There was a fella, a little boy in school named Dirty Johnny. He'd always be a hellion in class and the teacher didn't think much of him.

So the teacher has an in-class project, and she says "Now this is what you're gonna do here, class. I want you to stand up, and tell the class a story fro...

Can anyone recommend a good bank account?

Mine's run out of money.

My reddit account is now one year old!

That's older than most anti-vax kids!

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A banker down on his luck has decided to end it all

A young banker is standing on a tree limb with a rope around his neck, ready to end it all. He sees movement to his side and an ugly old woman comes from the brush, calling for him to stop.

“Stop! Why would a young man like yourself be doing such a thing?”

“My life is ruined!” He resp...

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Five surgeons were talking about the best patients...

First surgeon says, "Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up, everything on the inside is numbered."
Second surgeon says, "Nah - librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
Third surgeon responds, "Try electricians, man! Everything in...

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A rich Arab guy wants to marry an American woman.

He approaches her but she doesn't like him. Instead of rejecting him, she tells him that she will only marry him if he can fulfil all her demands. He agrees to do anything for her.

First, she tells him that she will only marry him if he has a big house. He takes her to one of his mansions and...

Hillary Clinton is giving a lesson about the world at a gifted-student primary school in New York

After her talk she offers to answer questions from the kids.

One little boy puts up his hand. Hillary asks him what his name is.

"Kenny," he says.

"And what is your question, Kenny?" she asks.

"I have four questions," he says. "First -- what happened in Benghazi? Second -...

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Why would Hitler have had a Twitter account if it was around back then?

He cancelled cultures.

A joke my dad has been telling for 45 years

My dad played high school baseball, and the second baseman, John, eventually grew up to be a very successful accountant and married his high school sweetheart. Over the next 25 years, John also collected rare and antique baseball cards, eventually accumulating the world's most expensive collection…<...

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What's the difference between an accountant and a porn star?

An accountant usually has a father figure

Zeke, the bank manager, was dismissing his accountant...

"I don't know what the world is coming to, isn't anybody honest?" He asked. "Where were you educated?"

"Yale," replied the young accountant.

"Such a grand university - what is your name?"

"Yim Yohansen" replied the accountant.

King Midas got a Twitter account and stared to post pictures of things he'd turned to gold. Within a days time every single tweet would land at exactly 1000 likes and 1618 comments.

I guess you could say all of his tweets were golden ratioed.

What do you call a urologist with a TikTok account?

A DikDok.

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Three men met on a nude beach. Two of the three men were happy, but the third was sad.

The three men broke into a conversation. The topic eventually reached the men's jobs, and why they were at the beach.

"I'm a construction worker," said the first man. "All year long I toil in the sun in very heavy clothes, so this seemed like the perfect vacation for me. If I can relax and do...

What happens after you have a beautiful gf, a million dollar car, 100 million in your bank account, several houses and a fit body?

You wake up.

To the guy who hacked my Reddit account

I will find you, and I will kill you


Edit: no you won't


Special edit for u/takes_joke_literally , are you happy now?

I was an accountant

I was an accountant from age 22 to 35, when because of office politics, I was sacked for no reason.

What a waste of 15 years.

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I just tried to set up an account on the Weight Watchers website.

Asked me "will you accept cookies?", the piss-taking bastards.

My mate just deleted his Facebook account

We will not see his likes again.

What did Johann Sebastian Bach say when he looked at his empty savings account?

I'm Baroque!

The trophy girlfriend

An older, white-haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young woman at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The old man said, “No, I’d l...

Trump has more impeachments than he does social media accounts.

This joke will never get old, ever.

bank account: $1,400 has been deposited into your bank account

**me, at Baskin Robbins:** give me Carol Baskin

My ex was just like my Netflix account

Shared by five dudes

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A guy goes to an interview for a job as a government accountant.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you a veteran?"
The guy says, "Why yes, in fact, I served two tours in Vietnam."
"Good," says the interviewer, "that counts in your favor. Do you have any service related disabilities?"
The guy says, "In fact I am 100% disabled. During a battle, an explosion r...

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A woman, about to undergo an IRS audit, asked her accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let them think you are a pauper".

Then she asked her legal counsel the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your finest attire".

Utterly confused at this point, she went to her rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of her dilemma. "Let me tell you...

What's the difference between a musician and a savings account?

One eventually matures and starts to make money...

I want my 11780 dollars.

Dear Bank of America, I just want to find 11780 more dollars in my savings account.Everyone at your bank counted wrong.

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Thank you for calling the Psychiatric Institute of Mental Health

If you have an obsessive-compulsive disorder, please press button 1. Again. And again. And again.

If you have a multiple personality disorder press in rapid sequence keys 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you suffer from paranoia, we have to inform you that we already know who you are, what you d...

What's the most important personality trait for a mathematician?

Accountability.

I made a discord account for my puppy

So he gets groomed for free

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Is Hell Exothermic or Endothermic?

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term:

"Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools off when it...

Damn girl you must be a bank account

Because I have zero interest

The girl I had a crush on asked me to make an account on tik tok and follow her.

My country banned Tik tok the very next day.

At the bank, I told the cashier, " I would like to open a joint account." .

He enquired, " With whom?"

I answered, " With whomsoever has lots of money."

What do accountants do when they're constipated?

They have to work it out with a pencil.

After a bitter divorce, while cleaning out the attic to prepare for selling their dream home, a genie pops out of a dust covered item.

“I will grant you three wishes of anything your heart desires” says the genie, “but know that your ex will receive twice whatever you wish for”


Ok, I’m losing my dream home, I wish for the most glorious mansion complete with staff to serve my every whim.


DONE! You are the o...

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Bob, an accountant





was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge after spending a great day on the ocean fishing.


His catch, cleaned and filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on the passenger-side floor.


He was late getting home and was speeding... Wouldn't you know that a...

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A teacher has an activity for the class.

"I want all of you guys to go home and get your parents to tell you a story with a moral at the end of it. You guys will come back tomorrow and share your stories." The children all nod their heads and agree. The next day, the teacher asks all the students to tell their stories. There are funny sto...

Miss Joan asks her 3rd grade students what their parents do for a living

Emily happily raises her hand and say : "Daddy's a mechanic and Mommy is a teacher like you !"

Jason then replies : "Well, my dad is a chef and my mom is her accountant"

And so on, every child answers to their best until it is little Billy's turn, who suddenly bursts into tears.
...

Turns Out, I'm Not Allowed to Have an OnlyFans Account.

I have a central heating & air system.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

OnlyFans is banning porn but not nudity...

Which means someone will have to evaluate each and every account with naked women in it and come to a decision.

Sounds like tedious and boring work... where do I sign up?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to a bank and asks to deposit $5,000 into his account.

The next day, he comes back and deposits $10,000.
The next day, he comes back and deposits $7,500. As he walks out, the banker asks him how he gets so much money in a day.
The man walks up to him and whispers, “I make bets with people.”
The banker tells him, “How do you make so much?”
...

I tried to sell my savings account on eBay

But I didn't get much interest.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Male vampires account for 0% of all unexpected pregnancies.

This is because they need permission to cum inside.

Someone once told me that taking money out of your savings account is stealing from your future self.

Well luckily for me my future self won't be able to afford a lawyer to press charges against me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How a CEO of a big bank showed his ass to the public

One day the bank noticed that a simple man comes and deposits money every day. Sometimes he deposits small Suma like 50$ and some times about 1000$ And this guy has millions of dollars in his account.

One day a Manager at the bank asked the man how does he deposit so much money.

The m...

I checked my bank account and I found out that I have enough money to spend for the rest of my life.

Rent? Food? Bills. My account got them covered for the rest of my life. As long as I die on Tuesday.

What do butchers and men with Onlyfans accounts have in common?

They both get paid to beat their meat.

I just checked my account balance at the ATM

It printed me a coupon for ramen noodles

Twitter is like a bank account

When you enter the wrong opinion five times, your account gets locked

Someone stole my Microsoft Office account

Whoever it was, I’ll make you pay
You have my Word.

Why don't tax accountants have a sense of humor?

Because jokes aren't deductible.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."

He gets her name, address etc. And then asks, "What's your occupation?"

"I'm a prostitute," she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "Let's try to re-phrase that."

The woman sa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was born 20 minutes before my twin brother

But I set up my Reddit account a month before. So today is all mine fuckface.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A 54-year-old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one evening which read: "Dear Wife, I am 54 years old, and by the time you get this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy eighteen year old secretary."

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows: "Dear Husband, I too am 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Savoy Hotel with my eighteen year old boy toy. Because you are an accountant, you will surely appreciate that l8 goes ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why are accountants so good in bed?

They excel at making spreadsheets

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife asked me to suggest a new password for her account. I said “How about ‘MY WILLY’ “...

“It’s not long enough” she responded

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So there's a deaf accountant who works for the mafia.

One day, the kingpin mafioso is checking out the books and notices there's a million dollars missing. He calls a meeting with the deaf accountant and a sign language translator.

"Ok, there's a million dollars missing, where is it?" asks the kingpin. Translator says, "There's a million dollars...

A mathematician, an engineer, a lawyer and an accountant were all up for a job interview

A mathematician, an engineer, a lawyer, and an accountant were all up for a job interview:

The mathematician was called in and asked as part of the interview, “What is 1+1?” The mathematician gets his calculator out and does the calculation and says “2.”

The engineer is then asked the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is trying to decide which woman to marry...

He is picking out of three women. In order to test which one he should marry he gave each one of them $5000 to see what they would do.

The first woman spends her money on new clothes, lingerie, and a total makeover. She tells him she did it because she loves him so much and wants to look gre...

My cat made an onlyfans account.

People love her cat-nips!

(Apparently, I said this joke in my sleep, and don't recall ever hearing it before, so I may have come up with it in my sleep as well.) Did you hear the one about the professional hockey player who quit his job to become an accountant?

He wanted an off-ice job.

The year is 2028 and /r/Jokes is still going strong.

A new user gets on to /r/jokes and sees the most upvoted joke just says "28"

The second most upvoted joke says "3915"

The third most upvoted joke says "756"

He can't see why they're getting so many upvotes, so he comments "These aren't jokes, they're numbers"

The mod repl...

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I wish -

### A man walks into a bar with a donkey and an ostrich.

He sits down at the counter and asks for a beer.


“That will be 5.98$, sir.”, the bartender says.


The man, puts his hand into his pocket and pulls out 5 dollars and 98 cents in exact change.


“How mu...

A man walks into a bank and asks to open a checking account

Bank teller: Do you want a savings account too?

Man: No.

Bank teller: Ok, just checking.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and a woman are on a golf course

The wife struck the golf ball so hard that it went to the neighbours house and they heard a crash like it broke something.

Embarrassed and apologetic, they go over to the neighbours house and let themselves in.

They see a broken vase on the ground and a man standing near it.

Bef...

A couple is driving on a highway

A couple is driving on a highway when she says, “I want a divorce.” The man doesn’t say anything, except speeds up the car.

“I’ve been having an affair with your best friend, and he’s a better lover than you.” The man doesn’t say anything except speeds up to he car.

“I want the house...

Soviet financial inspector visits a synagogue

Soviet financial inspector visits synagogue with a mission to prove that local Jewish community hides some profits from tax authorities.

As he looks through the books and find nothing suspicious - an idea comes to his mind.

He asks rabbi:

\- Rabbi, soviet authorities sent you 10...

*Reddit account completes one circle around Reddit's servers*

Redditors: Happy Cake Day!!!

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