Yesterday I had a nightmare that my tiktok account was deleted.

For a second, I was really scared that I had a tiktok account.

To the person who hacked into my account,

I will find you.

Have you heard about the constipated accountant?

He tried to work it all out with a pencil.

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A woman, about to undergo an IRS audit, asked her accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let them think you are a pauper".

Then she asked her legal counsel the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your finest attire".

Utterly confused at this point, she went to her rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of her dilemma. "Let me tell you...

The girl I had a crush on asked me to make an account on tik tok and follow her.

My country banned Tik tok the very next day.

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A 54-year-old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one evening which read: "Dear Wife, I am 54 years old, and by the time you get this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy eighteen year old secretary."

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows: "Dear Husband, I too am 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Savoy Hotel with my eighteen year old boy toy. Because you are an accountant, you will surely appreciate that l8 goes ...

What did the accountant do to liven up the party?

He went home early.

Why do hippies make good accountants?

Because they're from a counter-culture

I told my Dad I am going to delete all of my social media accounts, throw away my electronics and go live in the woods.

He told me I can't just Thoreau my life away.

A mathematician, an engineer, a lawyer and an accountant were all up for a job interview

A mathematician, an engineer, a lawyer, and an accountant were all up for a job interview:

The mathematician was called in and asked as part of the interview, “What is 1+1?” The mathematician gets his calculator out and does the calculation and says “2.”

The engineer is then asked the ...

What do you call a group of monkeys who share an Amazon account?

Prime Mates

MONEY IN MY ACCOUNT

I went to Bank to deposit a check, and they asked me for ID. I said, “Are you telling me other people are trying to put money into my account and you’re telling them no?

You Might Be An Accountant If

you deduct Exlax as "Moving expenses".

you have no idea that GAP is also a clothing store.

while watching the movie Indecent Proposal you did a NPV calculation.

getting to sleep is an exciting event that you look forward to all day long.

your idea of trashing your hot...

*Reddit account completes one circle around Reddit's servers*

Redditors: Happy Cake Day!!!

My bank called today to notify that my account has been reclassified

Judging by the balance they had to classify it as Satire Account

What do accountants use for birth control?

Their personality.

A man went into a bank to withdraw some cash from his account.

After sometime his turn came and he took the $300 that he wanted to pay his house rent.

He counted it again before he started walking towards the exit.

A clerk comes running from his desk and stops the man. "*Is something wrong*?", asked the man.

"*I just wanted to tell you that...

What did the schizophrenic accountant say?

I hear invoices!

You have to love female accountants...

They consider double entry the standard.

How many accountants does it take to change a light bulb?

One. They don't have a sense of humour.

Is KFC Twitter account

Veryfried?

What do you call an airplane full of Accountants?

A Boring 747!

I saw $50,000 mysteriously put into my bank account

I want no trouble, so I decided to leave it where I found it

A man wakes up one day and found $10,000 added to his account

He decides not to tell anyone and just keep on with his day as if nothing happened.. after a while he thought maybe he could buy himself some new stuff.

A week later he wakes up.. again.. but found $10,000 taken from his account. He grabs his phone and calls the bank:

"Good morning sir...

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(NSFW) A man walks into a bank and says to the the teller, “I want to open a fucking checking account.”

The astonished woman replies, “I beg your pardon, but we don’t tolerate language like that in this bank.”

The teller then leaves the window and walks over to her manager to explain the situation.

The manager agrees that the teller shouldn’t have to put up with that kind of language. <...

A man walks into a bank and asks to open a checking account

Bank teller: Do you want a savings account too?

Man: No.

Bank teller: Ok, just checking.

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So there's a deaf accountant who works for the mafia.

One day, the kingpin mafioso is checking out the books and notices there's a million dollars missing. He calls a meeting with the deaf accountant and a sign language translator.

"Ok, there's a million dollars missing, where is it?" asks the kingpin. Translator says, "There's a million dollars...

HELL EXPLAINED

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona
chemistry midterm, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it
with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the
pl...

Someone stole my Microsoft Office account

Whoever it was, I’ll make you pay
You have my Word.

An Arab student emails his dad:

*An Arab student emails his dad:*

Dear Dad,

Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here,
but Dad, I am a bit ashamed to arrive at my college with my pure-gold Ferrari when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train.

Your son, Nasser.

...

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An 18 year old girl tells her mom she's missed her period...

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom
that she has missed her period for two
months. Very worried, the mother goes
to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy
kit. The test result shows that the girl is
pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the
mother says, "Who was the pig that did...

Cannot wait to become a proud American!

I'm not immigrating or anything, I'm just not proud to be American.

My father told me, "Work until your bank account look like a phone number."...

My available balance is $9.11.

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Made my account about a year ago...

Well fuck.

What does a graduate student with a science degree ask? "Why does it work?" What does a graduate student with an engineering degree ask? "How does it work?" What does a graduate student with an accounting degree ask? "How much will it cost?"

What does a graduate student with a liberal
arts degree ask? "you want fries with that?"

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Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. Delighted, the genie says "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."

The first guy immediately shouts out "I want a billion pounds." *POOF*, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." *POOF*, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now wel...

An upper-class Englishman is going through his household accounts.

After a moment he looks up and says to his wife, "you know, darling, if you learnt how to prepare meals properly, we could spend less on the chef."

His wife replied, " And if you knew how to screw properly, we could get rid of the chauffeur."

What do you get when you cross an accountant with a giant jet airplane?

A Boring 747

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A couple is golfing on a golf course when their ball flies out of the course and smashes right through the window of an old mansion.

Shocked, the couple hastes to the old mansion and knock on the door.

A mysterious voice from within the mansion calls the couple to enter.

The couple enters the mansion and in the hallway they see an old man standing next to the broken window and a broken chinese vase with their golfba...

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A man was teaching his wife golf...

The wife struck the golf ball so hard that it went to the neighbours house and they heard a crash like it broke something.

Embarrassed and apologetic, they go over to the neighbours house and let themselves in.

They see a broken vase on the ground and a man standing near it.

...

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a Golf club.

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a golf club.

After a round, showering and getting changed for the 19th hole.

Suddenly a mobile phone on one of the benches rings.

One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:

(H – Husband, W ...

(Apparently, I said this joke in my sleep, and don't recall ever hearing it before, so I may have come up with it in my sleep as well.) Did you hear the one about the professional hockey player who quit his job to become an accountant?

He wanted an off-ice job.

A little dwarf is sitting in a bar. He stares at his beer with a sad look in his eyes.

A strong guy appears, punches the dwarfs shoulder and drinks his beer. The dwarf starts crying.

The guy: "Come on, you wimp. A real man does not cry because of a beer."

The dwarf: "Listen. My wife left me today and my bank account was robbed. After that I lost my job. I didn't want to ...

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Little girl lands position as construction boss.

**A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.**


**The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing ...

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My wife said she is leaving on account of my sexual fetishes

I said fine! slam the door on my cock on the way out

I wanted to do some last minute panic buying. Then I checked my bank account.

Now all I can do is panic.

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Blonde walks into a bank

A blonde walks into a bank in New York city, and talks to the bank's loan officer, asking for a loan.

Loan officer: "How much do you need to take a loan out for?"

Blonde: "Only $1000."

Loan officer: "Do you have collateral?"

The blonde pulls out the keys to a 2016 Ferrar...

An old accountant had a curious habit

Everyday, just after he arrived in the office, he would take a small and battered yellow envelope from his drawer and peruse attentively the single sheet of paper inside. Then, he would take a glance around the office, smile and nod to himself, and go on with his day normally.

His employees ...

Proud of myself, just came up with this stinker: Why did Twitter shut down Megatron's account?

Because it was discovered that most of his followers were auto bots.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Gus the Accountant

Gus has been doing accountancy for like 35 years and he's sick of it.

So Gus decides he wants some adventure in his life, so he's going to become a prospector.

Everyday he studies geology, he learns how to drive a big truck and operate an excavator and he starts selling up everything h...

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A prostitute's tax files....

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

"Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions." Says the accountant.

He gets her name, address etc. And then asks,"What's your occupation?" "I'm a prostitute," she says.

The accou...

A dog accountant runs to see his boss, all excited

Boss! Boss! The numbers are through the woof!!

* waves tail *

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference

At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

”How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asks an accountant.

”Watch and you’ll see,” answers an engineer.

All of them board the train.The accounta...

I got an email. It said, "We think there's been a mysterious transaction on your account."

Because I'm no longer in debt.

To the guy who hacked my Reddit account

I will find you, and I will kill you


Edit: no you won't


Special edit for u/takes_joke_literally , are you happy now?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Husband and wife

A husband and wife were setting a password for their joint twitter account.

The husband types 'My Penis'

The wife dies laughing on the floor when it says 'Not long enough'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Each 2020 hopeful Presidential candidate was asked to reveal their private reddit account to prove their values.

Bernie Sanders was insisting that the top 1% of reddit had way too many coins and wanted to force them to share gold more often.

Pete Buttigieg basically followed all of Bernie's posts and talked trash.

Joe Biden was just crossposting old posts of Obama's and saying how awesome they we...

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A man goes to a bank and asks to deposit $5,000 into his account.

The next day, he comes back and deposits $10,000.
The next day, he comes back and deposits $7,500. As he walks out, the banker asks him how he gets so much money in a day.
The man walks up to him and whispers, “I make bets with people.”
The banker tells him, “How do you make so much?”
...

My dog hijacked my Reddit account and told everyone where we live.

TIL: Never adopt a Doxxhund.

Someone once told me that taking money out of your savings account is stealing from your future self.

Well luckily for me my future self won't be able to afford a lawyer to press charges against me.

Three guys on a hiking trip find a lamp, so they rub it until a genie appears who generously offers to grant each of them three wishes.

The first one goes "I would love to be as rich as I ever want, with enough money appearing in my bank account whenever I want to buy anything." The second one says "that's amazing, I want the same!", but the third one says "I want my left arm to constantly rotate clockwise."
- "Done", says the ge...

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A man is returning home a day earlier than expected from a business trip......

While en-route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness, because he suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the
act. For $100, the cabby agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, ya...

What do you call 1,000 Instagram accounts?

Instakilograms

Ticket please

Three engineers and three accountants are in the queue to buy a train ticket.

The three accountants buy a ticket each; three in all. The engineers, however, buy one ticket between them.

“How are you…?” ask the accountants.
“We know what to do,” reply the engineers.

And all si...

There was a man who was born on the fifth day of the fifth month of 1955, whose lucky number was five.

There was a man who was born on the fifth day of the fifth month of 1955, whose lucky number was five. On his birthday, he went to the racetrack and was astounded to see that in the fifth race (scheduled for five o'clock) a horse named Pentagram was running, with the odds of 55 to 1. Rushing off to ...

Why do doctors hate popular Instagram accounts that only post in the spring?

Because they're seasonal influencers!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Italian guy, a Polish guy, and a Japanese guy all apply for a job at an office.

The manager hires all three and tells the Italian, "Ok, you take care of the inventory". Tells the Polish guy, "You take care of accounting" and tells the Japanese guy, "You take care of supplies."


The manager comes back after an hour and sees the Italian guy and the Polish guy working,...

I was thinking about going into business and opening my own distillery...

But my accountant thinks that's a whiskey investment.

This is a Mean joke.

A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip, they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left. The e...

In the days before calculators, accountants were frequently unable to get their debits to balance with their credits.

So, in order to overcome the discrepancy, they often created a bogus account titled "Taste" to store the unbalanced amount and allow the books to balance.

Unfortunately, the government soon heard of this practice and declared a new law... there would, from this point on, be no accounting for ...

I freaked out when my girlfriend was about to look through my phone

I didn’t want her to see my Reddit account, so I just told her I was cheating on her

What’s Luke Skywalkers favorite type of retirement account?

A Hoth IRA

Have you heard they’ve banned accounting in Afghanistan??

Apparently there’s a Tally Ban.

Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000

**Papa John:**

**Accountant:** 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes

**Papa John:** And that's...

**Accountant:** *(sighs)* 258,000 pizzas

In office we were discussing the suspense account.

I inquired about the thriller account.

TBH I don't know if I'm getting fired or not.

Why Do Accountants Make Good Lovers?

They’re great with figures.

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Two old jews are sitting in a park and reading newspaper

One of them notices that the other's paper is from a really antisemite organization and basically a pure antisemitic propaganda

"What the hell are you reading? Why don't you read our jewish papers?"

"You see Chaim" the other man says calmly "When I read our newspapers all I see are pog...

My girlfriend and I went to the bank and opened a shared savings account, mostly for buying weed.

It will be our joint account.

A man was fresh out of accounting school and went to an interview for a good paying job. The company boss asked various questions about him and his education, but then asked him: “What is three times seven?”

“Twenty-two,” the man replied.

After he left, he double-checked it on his calculator and realised he wouldn’t get the job.

About two weeks later, he got a letter that said he was hired for the job! He was not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, but was still very curious. The next d...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Englishman, A Scot and an Irishman are sitting at the bar

Three flies simultaneously land, one in each their beers.

The Englishman says "uggh..." and fussily pushes his beer away, checking his Reddit account to see if he got it right this time.

The Scotsman grabs the fly and starts shaking it, screaming "Spit it out, ya bastard!!!"

The...

People used to call me ugly until they saw my bank account....

Now they call me ugly and poor

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A woman scolds her husband for not fixing the washing machine...

He scoffs at her and says, "What do I look like, the Maytag man?". The washing machine goes unfixed. Later that week, the pipes under the sink keep getting backed up so she asks her husband to fix that. He rolls his eyes and says, What do I look like, Mr. Clean?". A couple days later, she notices a ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Good long one this!

One day an old man got a call from the FBI. The caller told him “We have noticed large amounts of money going in and out of your account, please come see us on Monday” The old man sat there for a second and thought, I should get myself a lawyer. So on Monday he walks to the office and the assistant ...

At a state dinner, both the King of the Czech lands and the King of France happened to witness a murder.

The next day, they held a joint conference to describe what they each had seen. As the King of France gave his recollection of the details of the murder, the audience gasped and clutched their handkerchiefs and at the end swooned in amazement. But when the King of the Czech lands gave his eyewitness...

A travelling salesman passes a field and sees a pig with 3 legs

A travelling salesman passes a field and sees a pig with 3 legs. Intrigued, he pulls up to the farm house and asks the farmer, "What's up with that 3-legged pig?"

The farmer gets all misty-eyed and says, "Let me tell you 'bout that pig. A few years ago, we were all asleep when a fire broke ...

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An ad man is overwhelmed with work...

An ad man is overwhelmed with work so he contracts our his easiest account, for Acme Nails, to his brother in law, who is a professional animator, to produce the ad.

Two days before it's due he still hasn't heard anything so he calls his BIL.

"Hey man, you must be done by now, right? I...

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Four surgeons

Four surgeons sit around discussing their favorite patients.



The first surgeon says, "I like operating on librarians. When you open them up, everything is in alphabetical order".



The second surgeon says, "I like operating on accountants. When you open them up, everythin...

Man walks into a bank asking for an Interest-Free Checking account

"Who cares?" the receptionist says and sighs.

A Special Table

A man went to an old furniture shop to buy an antique kitchen table. Almost at once, he saw the table he wanted to buy and asked the price.

“£2,000 sir.”

“Never!” exclaimed the man, “That’s unbelievably expensive.”

“That’s true,” replied the assistant, but this is not just any a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Welcome to the Mental Health telephone help line.

If you have short-term memory loss, please press 0.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4 and 5.
If you are in denial, please press 6 to con...

Me and my friend made a bank account just to save up for drugs

I call it 'joint' account

an accountant is interviewing for a job

Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?

Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?

Interviewer: You’re hired!

Four surgeons are talking...

Four surgeons are talking about their favorite types of patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says he prefers to operate on librarians, because when you open them up everything is in alphabetical order.

The second surgeon says he likes to operate on accountants, because everythin...

A good accountant says 2+2=4, a bad accountant 2+2=5, a great accountant

Asks what you want 2+2 equal to

A lawyer, an engineer and an accountant are applying for a job

at the job interview, they each get asked the same simple question, and are told to justify their answer. The question is, "what is two plus two?"

The lawyer takes out his briefcase and produces the 1978 docket wherein the case of Casey vs the State, two plus two was proven to be four.
...

I've got everything I need

A Married Couple Is Driving Down The Highway Doing 80km/h. The Husband Is Behind The Wheel.

His Wife Looks Over At Him And Says: “Honey, I Know We’ve Been Married For 15 Years, But, I Want A Divorce”

The Husband Says Nothing But Slowly Increases Speed To 100km/h.

Wife Then Says:...

I have a bank account specifically for my marijuana purchases.

I call it my Joint bank account.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A businessman needs a new lease on life, so he goes to see a fortune teller.

He asks the fortune teller what his future would look like if he became an artist.

To the man's surprise, the fortune teller pulls out a large bong, takes a hit, then looks into his crystal ball and says "dim and poor, don't bother."

So the businessman asks him about his second choice,...

Paddy wanted to be an accountant, so he went for an aptitude test.

Tester: If I give you two rabbits, two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Paddy: Seven!

Tester: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits, two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Paddy: Seven!

Tester: ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An elderly woman enters the Canadian National Bank with a bag full of money

She insisted she wanted to speak with the president of the National Bank in order to open an account, saying "a lot of money" was to be dealt with.

After some hesitation, the staff escorted the elderly woman to the president's office. The president asked how much money she wanted to deposit i...

How does an accountant get rid of constipation?

He works it out with a pencil

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An east coast accountant decides to go hunting for the first time out west.

He hires a guide and the next day they get up bright and early and begin their adventure.The "green" Hunter suddenly has to take a shit and says to his guide"Man,I really have to use the restroom.Where is it?"

"Are you serious?Were in the middle of Wyoming and your asking where the restroom i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Italian mafia boss hired a deaf accountant, Guido, and after a while he found out his accountant stole 10 million from him.

He goes to pay Guido a visit with his lawyer that knew sign language and to get him to talk where he hid the money.
 He tells the lawyer to translate, "Ask him where the money is!" The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?" Guido replies, "I have no idea what you're talk...

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