This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife said she is leaving on account of my sexual fetishes

I said fine! slam the door on my cock on the way out

My dad always said, "Work until your bank account looks like a phone number" so I did.

Account balance: $9.11

A man goes to a bank and asks to deposit $5,000 into his account.

The next day, he comes back and deposits $10,000.
The next day, he comes back and deposits $7,500. As he walks out, the banker asks him how he gets so much money in a day.
The man walks up to him and whispers, “I make bets with people.”
The banker tells him, “How do you make so much?”
...

Someone once told me that taking money out of your savings account is stealing from your future self.

Well luckily for me my future self won't be able to afford a lawyer to press charges against me.

I'll bet that Bret Stephens has a new Twitter account under a different name.

A bed bug typically lives undercover.

Got fired today because I fell for a scam asking me to wire a sizable amount of company money to a foreign bank account.

If that hadn't been stupid enough, I also confused the foreign bank account with my own.

People were saying that I was using too mamy alt accounts...

They got down voted to oblivion though

Me and my friend made a bank account just to save up for drugs

I call it 'joint' account

What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account?

Prime mates.

According to my bank account I have enough money to last me the rest of my life.

Assuming I die on Thursday.

I just checked my bank account balance and I have $10K

the K is silent.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On no account should you buy trainers when you’re fully aware they were made by children in Indonesia.

I bought a pair yesterday and the stitching’s fucking atrocious.

To the person who hacked into my reddit account...

I will find you, and I will kill you.

How did Snoke test out his new Amazon account?

He made the first order!

What do you call a redditor who changes accounts and posts the same content on each?

A Karma-Karma-Karma-Chameleon

I told one of my friends that they should make an account on here

I now Regreddit.

To the guy who hacked my Reddit account

I will find you, and I will kill you


Edit: no you won't


Special edit for u/takes_joke_literally , are you happy now?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband and wife were thinking of a password for their Twitter account.

The husband typed in "my penis" and the wife fell on the floor laughing when it said "error, not long enough."

I deleted my Facebook account...

So I didn’t get a single birthday wish.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It appears to me that 25% of my GPay account disappeared.

If you ask me, that's pretty Gay.

How did the priest get a negative balance in his checking account?

Clerical error.

Girl, you must be a savings account...

Because my interest is to compound you daily.

My wife and I spend so much money on arthritis medication and weed that we made a whole new bank account just for those two things!

It's a joint account

Today’s my 69th Day Anniversary for my Reddit Account.

Am I in a good position?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is sex like a bank account?

Because when you withdraw

You lose interest

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I called in sick this morning on account of diarrhea.

My boss told me to get my shit together.

Bank Teller: "Sir, your account is overdrawn."

Me: "So are your eyebrows, but you made it work, didn't you?"

Dear God, my prayer for 2019 is for a FAT bank account and a THIN body

Please don't mix it up like last year.

My email account got hacked again.

That's the third time I've had to rename my cat.

A woman asks a man - "do you drink beer?"

Man: Yeah.

Woman: How many beers a day?

Man: Usually about 3.

Woman: How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00, including the tip.

Woman: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: About 20 years, I suppose.

Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beer...

I tried to use the password "beefstew" for my iTunes account.

But Siri said it wasn't stroganoff.

I tried buying tickets to a rap concert to see if the bank had processed the loan I requested on my account

They did not Post Malone.

What did the virus name it's social media account?

Influenceza

A bank tried to advertise its new current accounts

Unfortunately, there was no interest.

This hacker keeps posting on my reddit account

I will find you and I will stop you.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So in 2018: my love left me, my dream is likely unreachable now, my future plan is shit and I have $15 in my bank account...

My life fits this sub so well.

My account said I'm crazy for investing all my money in my idea of building a business that offers a boxing gym, a dentist, and a manicurist all under one roof.

But I told him I'm going to fight tooth and nail for it. Now if I could just think of a clever name for it, I'd be all set.

Someone should make a phone app that connects to your bank account and only lists restaurant you can afford

Could call it Welp

To the person who stole my Microsoft Office Account...

I will find you. You have my word.

I am an accounts payable clerk. It’s no a glamorous job

But it pays the bills

Geez, somebody's found the password to my account.

,,Guess I'll have to rename my dog.

I went to Wendy’s for lunch but I had to check my bank account first

I had to make sure I can A-Four-for-Four’d it

What is the password for all of Forest Gumps's accounts?

1forest1

My girlfriend is like my Netflix account

I pay for it and all my friends get to use it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I bet Ted Cruz has two twitter accounts now. one for porn, and one to talk about the laws he's passing...

Either way a woman's getting fucked

Antivaxxers should create social media accounts for their children

They'll go viral in no time.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[Foul language] Man wants to open a bank account at this shitty bank

A man enters a bank and walks up to the clerk desk.

"Good day to you sir, what can I help you with today?" Says the clerk.

"I want to open a fucking account at this shitty bank." Responds the man.

"Excuse me?" Says the clerk lady.

"You heard me, I want to open a fucking b...

I've written a script for a film about an action hero who works in accounts.

The sequel going to be set in a different department.

This time it's personnel.

Man tries to open a bank account

Teller asks him : "Your name?"
"J-j-jj-hhh-on S-ss-mm-i-tthh"
"Oh you stutter?"
"No my dad did but the person who did by birth certificate was a complete moron."

The head of KFC called the Pope

He said, "I'll give you a million dollars to change the Lord's prayer to give us our daily chicken."

The Pope said no and hung up.

KFC called back and offered 10 million.

The Pope said no and hung up.

KFC called back and offered 100 million.

The Pope said, "You hav...

I looked at my bank account and found I could live the rest of my life comfortably without working...

... as long as I die on Thursday.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was offered $5,000 to sell my account to an advertisement firm

It was a tempting offer, but in the end I had to decline. My morals are strong and intentions are good, just like the wonderful people at Nestle.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man deposits $1,000 cash into his bank account every day

The bank employees start getting a little suspicious and tell the manager about the customer. The manager tells them to let him know next time he makes a deposit. Surely enough, the next day, he comes with 1k in cash to deposit into his account. The tellers tell the man that the manager would like t...

I was at the bank going to withdraw money from my account when the clerk told me I had an outstanding balance

I told her thank you I did gymnastics as a kid.

What do you call an onion that’s got rhythm, rhyme, and a Soundcloud account?

A rapscallion.

Girls always tell me I'm ugly until they see the balance in my bank account

They then call me ugly and broke :(

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.