UPJOKE
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Account Jokes

My girlfriend has an onlyfans account and it’s doing really well

I just have to figure out how to break the news to her

To the guy who hacked my Reddit account

I will find you, and I will kill you


Edit: no you won't


Special edit for u/takes_joke_literally , are you happy now?

I really think OSHA should make an OnlyFans account

They're some of the leading experts in NSFW content after all

I got my first job as an accountant at 22, right out of college. Suddenly, the week after I turned 30, they fired me.

13 years of loyal service to the company, down the drain.

I tried having my mother’s phone disconnected, but customer service told me that since the account was in my dad’s name, he’d have to be the one to put in the request.....

The fact that he’d been dead for 40 years didn’t sway the rep. Then a solution hit me: “If I stop paying the bill, you can turn off the service, right?”

“Well, yes,” she said reluctantly. “But that would ruin his credit.”

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a teenage boy keeps depositing one million dollar in his bank account every day

one day, Mrs. Mary the bank manager asks him to provide the source of all the money he's depositing

"I win it through gambling" he answers

"nobody can win that much money so consistently through gambling"

"wanna proof? how about we bet on 1000$ that...

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She wants to open an account

One day, a raggedy looking woman carrying a large paper bag walks into the bank and asks to see the bank manager.

The receptionist is hesitant, but when she sees the large amount of cash in the bag, she escorts the lady into the manager's office. The raggedy old lady says she'd like to open ...

If Christ were alive today, he'd have a huge retirement account

because Jesus saves.

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A rude man walks into the bank and tells the teller: "I want to open a fucking checking account." [NSFW]

A rude man walks into the bank and tells the teller: "I want to open a fucking checking account."

The teller, upset, says "We don't tolerate language like that here."

The man asks "What's the fucking problem? It's not like anyone really gives a shit!"

The teller then leaves with...

My dad always said, "Work until your bank account looks like a phone number" so I did.

Account balance: $9.11

A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.

A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.

The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What does two plus two equal?" The mathematician replies "Four." The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says...

My account got hacked. If you get a DM about meat from me, don't click on it.

It's spam

Yesterday I had a nightmare that my tiktok account was deleted.

For a second, I was really scared that I had a tiktok account.

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are you going to travel with only one ticket?" asks an accountant.

"Watch and...

A female accountant asked her male counterpart “How’s everything going for you?”

He replied “Great! I feel like $100! How about you?”

She replied “Same! I feel like $82!”

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(NSFW) A man walks into a bank and says to the the teller, “I want to open a fucking checking account.”

The astonished woman replies, “I beg your pardon, but we don’t tolerate language like that in this bank.”

The teller then leaves the window and walks over to her manager to explain the situation.

The manager agrees that the teller shouldn’t have to put up with that kind of language. <...

What do you call 2 monkeys that share an Amazon account?

Prime mates.

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An accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening:

"Dear Wife,

You have been a wonderful companion to me all these years. I can't believe that both of us are already 60! Time sure has flown by!

However, I am writing this letter to share something that has been bothering me for a while. I have a few needs that you have been unable to sa...

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A man deposits $1,000 cash into his bank account every day

The bank employees start getting a little suspicious and tell the manager about the customer. The manager tells them to let him know next time he makes a deposit. Surely enough, the next day, he comes with 1k in cash to deposit into his account. The tellers tell the man that the manager would like t...

Someone once told me that taking money out of your savings account is stealing from your future self.

Well luckily for me my future self won't be able to afford a lawyer to press charges against me.

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A man goes to a bank and asks to deposit $5,000 into his account.

The next day, he comes back and deposits $10,000.
The next day, he comes back and deposits $7,500. As he walks out, the banker asks him how he gets so much money in a day.
The man walks up to him and whispers, “I make bets with people.”
The banker tells him, “How do you make so much?”
...

The Emperor's new bank account

A well dressed man walks into a bank of a famously known gambler.

The man asks the gambler, would you be interested in a different type of wager?

If you guess the range of all my assets within 1 billion dollars, I will give you a billion, but you have to give me 1 dollar for every do...

A Doctor was chatting at a party with a Chartered Accountant.

He asked, "How do I manage this delicate issue when people even at a party like this ask me about their joint pains and heartburn and gas trouble. Just because I am a doctor.... not fair!"

The CA friend replied coolly, "Just tell them the right things politely but send them a bill from your c...

To the person who hacked my account

I will find you, and I will kill you.

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The Biker and the Accountant

A large muscly rough looking biker riding the biggest baddest motorcycle you've ever seen chases a small nerdy accountant on a Moped across a lonely highway. He easily catches him and runs him off the road. In desperation, stumbling and crawling to get away, the accountant grabs a discarded glass ...

What's the difference between a good Accountant and a great Accountant?

A good Accountant knows 2+2=4, a great Accountant asks "what do you want it to be?"

Accountant Joke

The CEO of a large corporation called his directors for a meeting. He asked the director of development, "Mr. Jones, what is two plus two?"

Mr. Jones, looking a bit confused, replied, "Two plus two is four, Sir."

The CEO said, "Ya, that\`s what I thought you would say." Then he asked...

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A deaf accountant works for the mafia.

One day, the king pin mafioso is checking out the books and notices there's a million dollars missing. He calls a meeting with the deaf accountant and a sign language translator.

"Ok, there's a million dollars missing, where is it?" asks the king pin. Translator says, "There's a million dolla...

Man tries to open a bank account

Teller asks him : "Your name?"
"J-j-jj-hhh-on S-ss-mm-i-tthh"
"Oh you stutter?"
"No my dad did but the person who did by birth certificate was a complete moron."

What does an accountant in Prague do?

Balance their Czech Books.

Thanos used to be an accountant back on Titan...

Because nobody cared about the balances more than he did.

I tried setting a password for my new Reddit account.

I put in “MyDick”.

It said the password was too short.

I looked at my bank account and found I could live the rest of my life comfortably without working...

... as long as I die on Thursday.

A physicist, a statistician, and an accountant all apply for the same position...

The interviewers first call in the physicist. "We have only one question," they tell him. "What is 500 plus 500?" The physicist, without hesitation, says "1000."
The committee sends him out and calls in the statistician. When the statistician comes in, they ask the same question. The statisticia...

Her: Do you want an invite to my special NSFW account?

*OSHA, eyes narrowing:* Your what?

Why is it so hard for bank accounts to quit their addictions?

They experience severe withdrawal symptons

My wife and I started a bank account to help with our weed budget

It's our joint account

What birds make the best accountants?

Flamingos. They're real good at balancing.

Men are like bank accounts

Without a lot of money they don’t generate much interest.

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bank account.

Did you that sex is like a bank account, when you withdraw you lose interest.

Did you hear about the deaf accountant?

Her payments were in arrears.

What does a great accountant do?

He Excels

Accounting Joke (from my professor)

A priest, a lawyer, and an accountant were all at the bedside of a very ill man. The man said to them,

"Gentlemen, I'm dying. Before I go, however, I want to ask you one final favor: My family is rotten and I don't want to give any of them an inheritance. I would like to be buried with the r...

What’s the difference between my Wife and my Reddit account?

After nine years…..

Reddit still sucks…

I don't have a Facebook or Twitter account...

I just walk around announcing out loud what I'm doing at random times...

I've got 3 followers so far, but I think 2 are cops.

Did you hear about the constipated accountant?

He couldn’t budget so he had to work it out with a pencil.

Why did the cat have to go to an accountant?

They got caught up in a purramid scheme.

I love hearing accountants tell jokes.

Especially when they’re self depreciating.

(OC by me)

What has worse ratings than my Tinder account?

CNN

Why do Corgis make terrible accountants?

Because they always come up short!

What do you call an alligator with an investment account?

An investigator

A programmer, account manager, and client walk into a bar

They all order drinks and start chatting about their work. The programmer says, "I'm a coder. I spend my days writing lines of code to make software work." The account manager says, "I'm a salesperson. I spend my days convincing people to buy the software that the programmer writes." The client says...

An Accountant's secret to success.

An accountant in a big firm had a very strange habit. Every morning he used to open his drawer, look at a paper, place the paper back in the drawer and then lock it again.

The trainees were very curious and often wondered if his success was hidden on that piece of paper.

So one day, w...

To the person who stole my Microsoft Office Account...

I will find you. You have my word.

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I bet Ted Cruz has two twitter accounts now. one for porn, and one to talk about the laws he's passing...

Either way a woman's getting fucked

What's the difference between an Accountant and a Proctologist?

One stares at spreadsheets and the other stares at spread cheeks.

My bank account was hacked!!!

The hacker was so disappointed, he started a fundraiser for me.

A businessman interviews a mathematician, an accountant, and an economist for a job

A businessman interviews a mathematician, an accountant, and an economist for a job. He asks them, “What is 2 + 2?”

The mathematician answers, “Exactly 4.”

The accountant replies, “Depending on what your interest, depreciation, and taxes are, approximately 2.”

The economist wa...

I had a nightmare last night that my Tik Tok account was deleted

It was scary, because for a second I thought I had a Tik Tok account.

The reason the bank account of I, a trans person, is empty.

Every action I make is a transaction.

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The head of an organized crime syndicate realized his accountant had been skimming money from him for years.

Unfortunately the accountant only spoke Russian. So the boss hired a Russian interpreter and busted into the accountant’s home.

He tells to the interpreter, “tell him I want to know where my money is, AND I WANT TO KNOW RIGHT NOW!!” The interpreter conveys the message in Russian and the acco...

Whadda ya get when you cross an accountant with a giant jet airplane?

A boring 747.

Have you heard they’ve banned accounting in Afghanistan??

Apparently there’s a Tally Ban.

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Bob, an accountant





was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge after spending a great day on the ocean fishing.


His catch, cleaned and filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on the passenger-side floor.


He was late getting home and was speeding... Wouldn't you know that a...

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What's the traditional greeting among prostitute-accountants?

Tally ho!

Did you know the Golden Gate Bridge and Brooklyn Bridge have twitter accounts?

They are both suspended.

Is KFC Twitter account

Veryfried?

The owner of this account just passed...

...McDonalds.

Y'all want something?

My ex was just like my Netflix account

Shared by five dudes

How does an accountant fix constipation?

Works it out with a pencil

I wouldn't recommend going to the tattooist who used to be an accountant.

He did a number on me.

I told my wife after checking our bank accounts we can retire and live comfortably for the rest of our lives

As long as we die by Sunday

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Do you smoke?

Lady: Do you smoke?

Guy: Yes I do.

Lady: How many packs a day?

Guy: 3 packs.

Lady: How much per pack?

Guy: $10.00 per pack.

Lady: And how long have you been smoking?

Guy: 15 years

Lady: So 1 pack is $10.00 and you have been smoking 3 packs a da...

Did you hear about the accountant from Pyongyang who moved to Seoul to be a carpenter?

He fancied a Korea change

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My wife left me on account of my weird fetishes

I said "Fine! Slam the door on my dick on your way out!"

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An accountant found guilty of embezzlement was thrown into a cell with a large, hairy intimidating man

The small accountant had heard stories about how he was going to become the victim in this rough prison to which he had been sentenced. He looked up at the very hairy, sweaty, cell mate and slightly trembled.

The accountant was slightly heartened when the hulking man before him asked, "So, do...

I was an accountant

I was an accountant from age 22 to 35, when because of office politics, I was sacked for no reason.

What a waste of 15 years.

My father said I would be able to consider myself successful when my bank account balance resembled a phone number

Hey. 911 is a phone number.

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I just tried to set up an account on the Weight Watchers website.

Asked me "will you accept cookies?", the piss-taking bastards.

MONEY IN MY ACCOUNT

I went to Bank to deposit a check, and they asked me for ID. I said, “Are you telling me other people are trying to put money into my account and you’re telling them no?

Can anyone recommend a good bank account?

Mine's run out of money.

Damn girl you must be a bank account

Because I have zero interest

Why do certain people become accountants?

They don't have the charisma to be an undertaker.

An artist, accountant and engineer have lunch

The conversation turns to their lives, and then their partners and relationships.

The accountant says "Marriage for me. I love my wife, she's my rock, she's always there for me, I'm nothing without her. I owe her everything."

The artist says "I'd never marry. I am lost without my mistr...

What do you call someone without enough personality to be an accountant?

An auditor

I want my 11780 dollars.

Dear Bank of America, I just want to find 11780 more dollars in my savings account.Everyone at your bank counted wrong.

It's a good thing Elon didn't acquire Reddit, otherwise

(Your post was removed by Reddit admins, and your account was suspended)

My mate just deleted his Facebook account

We will not see his likes again.

I keep hearing my accountant's disembodied voice wanting to check the last 5 years of my tax returns.

I think I'm having auditory hallucinations.

Where do accountants buy all of their clothes?

The GAAP.

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Made my account about a year ago...

Well fuck.

I’ve heard it’s impressive to keep your Reddit account more than a year without being banned.

To me it’s a piece of cake.

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Gus the Accountant

Gus has been doing accountancy for like 35 years and he's sick of it.

So Gus decides he wants some adventure in his life, so he's going to become a prospector.

Everyday he studies geology, he learns how to drive a big truck and operate an excavator and he starts selling up everything h...

Why did the accountant go crazy?

He started to hear invoices in his head.

What's the difference between a musician and a savings account?

One eventually matures and starts to make money...

My work offered to fund my retirement account in soup exclusively...

...I'm the first person to have a Broth IRA.

My email account got hacked again.

That's the third time I've had to rename my cat.

My cat made an onlyfans account.

People love her cat-nips!

Two accountants are trying to get a job...

The first one goes in for his interview. They go over his history and experience, tell him about the company, and all the usual things. Then they ask him to take a test. They bring him to a closed room and he sits at the only table, in the only chair.

When he looks at the test, he sees only ...

Detective 1: I think the accountant did it. I found a calculator at the crime scen

Detective 2: that adds up

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A woman, about to undergo an IRS audit, asked her accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let them think you are a pauper".

Then she asked her legal counsel the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your finest attire".

Utterly confused at this point, she went to her rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of her dilemma. "Let me tell you...

Twitter is like a bank account

When you enter the wrong opinion five times, your account gets locked

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A man hears a voice inside his head that tells him " quit your job, sell your car, empty your bank account, go to a casino and put everything on number 7."

The man ignores the voice, and go back to his normal life. After 7 days he hears the same voice telling him " quit your job, sell your car, empty your bank account, go to a casino and put everything on number 7." he ignores it again and 7 days later he hears the same voice saying the same thing....

Two Accountants

One day two accountants, who were best friends, were walking together down the street. One was a vegetarian and constantly berated the other for eating meat! After stopping for a hot dog, the vegetarian erupted "Why do you eat meat?, do you even know what's in that hot dog? You know, you are what yo...

My Account is 3 Months and 14 Days Old, So It's Not My Cake Day

It's my Pie Day

Pie Day's over, get out of my house

My friend let's everyone use his Amazon account for free shipping

We call him the Prime Minister

What do you call a urologist with a TikTok account?

A DikDok.

I made an account on a dating site for people with sleep apnea.

I got a couple of messages but I'm too tired to check them out.

What do accountants’ spouses say to fall asleep when they have insomnia?

“Sweetie, tell me about your job.”

What is a pirate's LEAST favorite letter?

Dear Sir or Madam,

Your IP address has been flagged for illegally downloading movies. We will have to suspend your account, pending further investigation.



Sincerely,



The Internet Provider

*Reddit account completes one circle around Reddit's servers*

Redditors: Happy Cake Day!!!

I just checked my account balance at the ATM

It printed me a coupon for ramen noodles

An old accountant had a curious habit

Everyday, just after he arrived in the office, he would take a small and battered yellow envelope from his drawer and peruse attentively the single sheet of paper inside. Then, he would take a glance around the office, smile and nod to himself, and go on with his day normally.

His employees ...

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An 18 year old girl tells her mom that she has missed her last 2 periods

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy test. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Crying, cursing and Shouting the mother says, "Who was the bastard that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later...

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Male vampires account for 0% of all unexpected pregnancies.

This is because they need permission to cum inside.

You Might Be An Accountant If

you deduct Exlax as "Moving expenses".

you have no idea that GAP is also a clothing store.

while watching the movie Indecent Proposal you did a NPV calculation.

getting to sleep is an exciting event that you look forward to all day long.

your idea of trashing your hot...

The girl I had a crush on asked me to make an account on tik tok and follow her.

My country banned Tik tok the very next day.

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Why are accountants so good in bed?

They excel at making spreadsheets

Zeke, the bank manager, was dismissing his accountant...

"I don't know what the world is coming to, isn't anybody honest?" He asked. "Where were you educated?"

"Yale," replied the young accountant.

"Such a grand university - what is your name?"

"Yim Yohansen" replied the accountant.

My friend and I opened a shared bank account for buying weed.

It'll be our joint account.

You have to love female accountants...

They consider double entry the standard.

I tried to sell my savings account on eBay

But I didn't get much interest.

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