My dad always said, "Work until your bank account looks like a phone number" so I did.

Account balance: $9.11

To the person who hacked into my reddit account...

I will find you, and I will kill you.

Did you hear about the monkeys Who shared an Amazon account?

They were prime mates.

Girl, you must be a savings account...

Because my interest is to compound you daily.

Today’s my 69th Day Anniversary for my Reddit Account.

Am I in a good position?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife said she's leaving, on account of my sexual fetishes.

Told that bitch to slam the door on my dick when shes going out

Bank Teller: "Sir, your account is overdrawn."

Me: "So are your eyebrows, but you made it work, didn't you?"

To the guy who hacked my Reddit account

I will find you, and I will kill you


Edit: no you won't


Special edit for u/takes_joke_literally , are you happy now?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why is sex like a bank account?

Because when you withdraw

You lose interest

Dear God, my prayer for 2019 is for a FAT bank account and a THIN body

Please don't mix it up like last year.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I called in sick this morning on account of diarrhea.

My boss told me to get my shit together.

What did the virus name it's social media account?

Influenceza

My email account got hacked again.

That's the third time I've had to rename my cat.

My wife and I spend so much money on arthritis medication and weed that we made a whole new bank account just for those two things!

It's a joint account

My account said I'm crazy for investing all my money in my idea of building a business that offers a boxing gym, a dentist, and a manicurist all under one roof.

But I told him I'm going to fight tooth and nail for it. Now if I could just think of a clever name for it, I'd be all set.

A bank tried to advertise its new current accounts

Unfortunately, there was no interest.

I tried to use the password "beefstew" for my iTunes account.

But Siri said it wasn't stroganoff.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So in 2018: my love left me, my dream is likely unreachable now, my future plan is shit and I have $15 in my bank account...

My life fits this sub so well.

A woman asks a man - "do you drink beer?"

Man: Yeah.

Woman: How many beers a day?

Man: Usually about 3.

Woman: How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00, including the tip.

Woman: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: About 20 years, I suppose.

Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beer...

What do you call a landscaper's bank account?

A hedge fund

Someone should make a phone app that connects to your bank account and only lists restaurant you can afford

Could call it Welp

I am an accounts payable clerk. It’s no a glamorous job

But it pays the bills

I went to Wendy’s for lunch but I had to check my bank account first

I had to make sure I can A-Four-for-Four’d it

A blonde's office computer had technical issues

IT support came over to the desk and said he needed password to access her account.

"It's 'MickeyMinnieBatmanSupergirlWonderwomanLondon'" she replied.

"A bit unusual for a password, how did you come up with it?" the support dude asked.

She went "Because computer said the passwor...

This hacker keeps posting on my reddit account

I will find you and I will stop you.

What is the password for all of Forest Gumps's accounts?

1forest1

Geez, somebody's found the password to my account.

,,Guess I'll have to rename my dog.

To the person who stole my Microsoft Office Account...

I will find you. You have my word.

My girlfriend is like my Netflix account

I pay for it and all my friends get to use it.

The head of KFC called the Pope

He said, "I'll give you a million dollars to change the Lord's prayer to give us our daily chicken."

The Pope said no and hung up.

KFC called back and offered 10 million.

The Pope said no and hung up.

KFC called back and offered 100 million.

The Pope said, "You hav...

Antivaxxers should create social media accounts for their children

They'll go viral in no time.

I've written a script for a film about an action hero who works in accounts.

The sequel going to be set in a different department.

This time it's personnel.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[Foul language] Man wants to open a bank account at this shitty bank

A man enters a bank and walks up to the clerk desk.

"Good day to you sir, what can I help you with today?" Says the clerk.

"I want to open a fucking account at this shitty bank." Responds the man.

"Excuse me?" Says the clerk lady.

"You heard me, I want to open a fucking b...

My bank account is huge.

It has lots of space for the money I don't have.

What do you call an onion that’s got rhythm, rhyme, and a Soundcloud account?

A rapscallion.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I bet Ted Cruz has two twitter accounts now. one for porn, and one to talk about the laws he's passing...

Either way a woman's getting fucked

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was offered $5,000 to sell my account to an advertisement firm

It was a tempting offer, but in the end I had to decline. My morals are strong and intentions are good, just like the wonderful people at Nestle.

Man tries to open a bank account

Teller asks him : "Your name?"
"J-j-jj-hhh-on S-ss-mm-i-tthh"
"Oh you stutter?"
"No my dad did but the person who did by birth certificate was a complete moron."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her mom that she has missed her period for two months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Fer...

I looked at my bank account and found I could live the rest of my life comfortably without working...

... as long as I die on Thursday.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them “gems-in-the-rough” more or less, had adopted her as a kind of project mascot.

They chatted ...

A mate of mine has a bank account just for buying raisins

It's a current account.

I’m so broke, I went to check my account balance at the ATM...

And it printed me out a coupon for Ramen Noodles

Girls always tell me I'm ugly until they see the balance in my bank account

They then call me ugly and broke :(

I was at the bank going to withdraw money from my account when the clerk told me I had an outstanding balance

I told her thank you I did gymnastics as a kid.

I think someone from Russia is trying to hack my account.

Edit: Oh, Me such goof. I are not hack by Russia. The motherland is innocent. Good wishes bye!

Me and my best friend share an Amazon Prime account so we can reap the benefits..

I guess that makes us

###Friends With benefits

My wife told me she's leaving me on account of my pasta fetish.

I'm feeling cannelloni right now.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man deposits $1,000 cash into his bank account every day

The bank employees start getting a little suspicious and tell the manager about the customer. The manager tells them to let him know next time he makes a deposit. Surely enough, the next day, he comes with 1k in cash to deposit into his account. The tellers tell the man that the manager would like t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Ireland one morning with a purse full of money.

She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.


After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.


The pres...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy walks into a bank

and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a fuckin' checking account".

To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?"

"Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a fuckin' checking account right now."

"Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind o...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Choose a new password:

potato

Sorry, password must contain at least 8 letters.

boiled potato

Sorry, password must contain at least one number.

1 boiled potato

Sorry, password cannot contain spaces

50fuckingboiledpotatoes

Sorry, password must contain capital letters.
...

I made fun of the official Minecraft Twitter account

So they blocked me

While married to Rose, we acquired house, cars, jewelry, retirement accounts. And with the divorce,

everything is coming up *ROSE's*!!

I have no idea how my first submission of this came to be flaired "Religion"... so I deleted it.