This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(NSFW) A man walks into a bank and says to the the teller, “I want to open a fucking checking account.”

The astonished woman replies, “I beg your pardon, but we don’t tolerate language like that in this bank.”

The teller then leaves the window and walks over to her manager to explain the situation.

The manager agrees that the teller shouldn’t have to put up with that kind of language. <...

This is a Mean joke.

A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip, they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left. The e...

A man was fresh out of accounting school and went to an interview for a good paying job. The company boss asked various questions about him and his education, but then asked him: “What is three times seven?”

“Twenty-two,” the man replied.

After he left, he double-checked it on his calculator and realised he wouldn’t get the job.

About two weeks later, he got a letter that said he was hired for the job! He was not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, but was still very curious. The next d...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife said she is leaving on account of my sexual fetishes

I said fine! slam the door on my cock on the way out

A lawyer, an engineer and an accountant are applying for a job

at the job interview, they each get asked the same simple question, and are told to justify their answer. The question is, "what is two plus two?"

The lawyer takes out his briefcase and produces the 1978 docket wherein the case of Casey vs the State, two plus two was proven to be four.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to a bank and asks to deposit $5,000 into his account.

The next day, he comes back and deposits $10,000.
The next day, he comes back and deposits $7,500. As he walks out, the banker asks him how he gets so much money in a day.
The man walks up to him and whispers, “I make bets with people.”
The banker tells him, “How do you make so much?”
...

My girlfriend and I went to the bank and opened a shared savings account, mostly for buying weed.

It will be our joint account.

My dad always said, "Work until your bank account looks like a phone number" so I did.

Account balance: $9.11

I tried to learn to invest money, but i could not figure it out, so i put all of my money into a bank account.

It all makes cents now.

A good accountant says 2+2=4, a bad accountant 2+2=5, a great accountant

Asks what you want 2+2 equal to

Have you heard they’ve banned accounting in Afghanistan??

Apparently there’s a Tally Ban.

Someone once told me that taking money out of your savings account is stealing from your future self.

Well luckily for me my future self won't be able to afford a lawyer to press charges against me.

I feel like people who write things online under fake accounts are insecure and can’t handle the pressure of having society see who they really are

-Anonymous

An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.

The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Italian mafia boss hired a deaf accountant, Guido, and after a while he found out his accountant stole 10 million from him.

He goes to pay Guido a visit with his lawyer that knew sign language and to get him to talk where he hid the money.
 He tells the lawyer to translate, "Ask him where the money is!" The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?" Guido replies, "I have no idea what you're talk...

I have a bank account specifically for my marijuana purchases.

I call it my Joint bank account.

Me and my friend made a bank account just to save up for drugs

I call it 'joint' account

An accountant mathematician and economist was asked the question what is 1+1=?

The mathematician went first and said 2, the economist was next and he said:” well it depends on your assumptions”. Finally, it was the accountants turn he sat there for a few minutes, he then leaned forward and said: ”what do you want to be!”

Did you hear about the discerning entomologist with a degree in accounting?

He was into fine-ants.

I'm a student, and I play a game with myself every time I check my bank account.

It's called Meal or no Meal.

an accountant is interviewing for a job

Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?

Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?

Interviewer: You’re hired!

How does an accountant get rid of constipation?

He works it out with a pencil

What is a pirate's LEAST favorite letter?

Dear Sir or Madam,

Your IP address has been flagged for illegally downloading movies. We will have to suspend your account, pending further investigation.



Sincerely,



The Internet Provider

What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account?

Prime mates.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An east coast accountant decides to go hunting for the first time out west.

He hires a guide and the next day they get up bright and early and begin their adventure.The "green" Hunter suddenly has to take a shit and says to his guide"Man,I really have to use the restroom.Where is it?"

"Are you serious?Were in the middle of Wyoming and your asking where the restroom i...

An arrogant, wealthy man passed away one day

In his will, he entrusted $50,000 in cash to each of his closest advisers: his accountant, his doctor, and his lawyer. In his will, he instructed that each of them was to put all of the money into an envelope and place it into his coffin at his funeral, so he could have his money even after death....

Did you hear about the constipated accountant?

He worked it out with a pencil.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An 18 year-old Italian girl tells her mother she missed her period for two moths.

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Fer...

What's the difference between Counting and Accounting?

**Counting:** *One, Two, Three, Four, Five...*


**Accounting:** *Ah-One, Ah-Two, Ah-Three, Ah-Four, Ah-Five...*

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference.

At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

They all board the train. The accountan...

Dad, why did you name the new baby Teresa?

Well son, Teresa is an anagram. If you rearrange the letters, it spells “Easter”.

-Oh, so you named her that on account of how much you and mom love Easter.

Yes, that’s right, Alan.

-Thanks, Dad!

To the guy who hacked my Reddit account

I will find you, and I will kill you


Edit: no you won't


Special edit for u/takes_joke_literally , are you happy now?

Three Accountants and Three Engineers [long]

Three accountants and three engineers were boarding a train. The three accountants each bought a ticket, and then noticed confusedly that the engineers only had one ticket between the three of them.

"How can three people travel on a single ticket?" asked the accountants.

"Watch," answe...

Got fired today because I fell for a scam asking me to wire a sizable amount of company money to a foreign bank account.

If that hadn't been stupid enough, I also confused the foreign bank account with my own.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In the men's bathroom, an accountant, a lawyer and a cowboy were standing side-by-side using the urinal.

The accountant finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands...clear up to his elbows....he used 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from the University of Michigan and they taught us to be clean."

The lawy...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.

It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."




The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50




The ...

Two Accountants

One day two accountants, who were best friends, were walking together down the street. One was a vegetarian and constantly berated the other for eating meat! After stopping for a hot dog, the vegetarian erupted "Why do you eat meat?, do you even know what's in that hot dog? You know, you are what yo...

I'll bet that Bret Stephens has a new Twitter account under a different name.

A bed bug typically lives undercover.

A man finds a lamp on a beach. He rubs it, and out pops a genie.

“I will give you three wishes,” the genie says. “But be warned: whatever you wish for, your ex will get twice that.”

“I wish for a fabulously large mansion,” the man says.

“Are you sure?” asks the genie. “Your ex will get a mansion twice as large, twice as opulent.”

“I’m sure.” ...

A Wall Street accountant asked me if she is too fat for her suit.

I told her she’s too big to fail.

What do you call a redditor who changes accounts and posts the same content on each?

A Karma-Karma-Karma-Chameleon

People were saying that I was using too mamy alt accounts...

They got down voted to oblivion though

I just checked my bank account balance and I have $10K

the K is silent.

A doctor, an accountant and an attorney all go to a funeral

At the funeral they see people putting money in the casket. So when the doctor steps up, he pulls out $100 and puts it in. Then the accountant steps up, and he puts in $100 as well. The lawyer steps up, pockets the $200 the two men previously deposited, and writes the dead man a check for $300.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was making a Gmail account...

and it asked me to create a password. So I typed the first thing that came to my mind: mypenis. But alas, it didn't work.

It simply told me, "Error: Not long enough."

A lawyer, an accountant, and an actuary are arguing over whether it is better to have a married spouse or an unmarried lover.

The lawyer says a lover because it’s legally easier to disentangle yourself from a lover.
The accountant says a spouse because you can get a tax deduction with a spouse.
The actuary says it’s better to have both because you can lie to each of them, telling each of them that you’re with the o...

What did the accountant tell the acrobat?

“You have some outstanding balance!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A deaf accountant works for the mafia.

One day, the king pin mafioso is checking out the books and notices there's a million dollars missing. He calls a meeting with the deaf accountant and a sign language translator.

"Ok, there's a million dollars missing, where is it?" asks the king pin. Translator says, "There's a million dolla...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On no account should you buy trainers when you’re fully aware they were made by children in Indonesia.

I bought a pair yesterday and the stitching’s fucking atrocious.

Well today is my first cake day.

And that means my Reddit account is older than most anti-vax kids will ever be.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman.

He noticed her sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman seated over there'
..... and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not lookin...

I told one of my friends that they should make an account on here

I now Regreddit.

I deleted my Facebook account...

So I didn’t get a single birthday wish.

A man is constantly asking his wife for a threesome for his birthday

and every year the wife says no.

This continues on for several years, until finally the wife has enough and finally agrees.

“Ok George, yes you can have your damn threesome. Who do you want it to be with?”

George quickly responds with... “Well, do you remember Sarah who works i...

A chemistry professor posted a bonus question to an exam:

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband and wife were thinking of a password for their Twitter account.

The husband typed in "my penis" and the wife fell on the floor laughing when it said "error, not long enough."

A Rastaman walks into a bank

A Rastaman goes to the bank with a 25kg bag of marijuana and hands it over cashier....shocked, the cashier asks

"What's this for?"

The Rastaman replies...

"I man is here to open a join account"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An accountant found guilty of embezzlement was thrown into a cell with a large, hairy intimidating man

The small accountant had heard stories about how he was going to become the victim in this rough prison to which he had been sentenced. He looked up at the very hairy, sweaty, cell mate and slightly trembled.

The accountant was slightly heartened when the hulking man before him asked, "So, do...

How did the priest get a negative balance in his checking account?

Clerical error.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is an accountant’s sex tape called?

Excel SpreadCheeks

My brother and I sell marijuana.

We keep out money in a joint account.

After our radio station's accountant died in a parachuting accident, the program director told me to play some Tom Petty in rememberance after the obituary, as the accountant liked his music. However, when I did exactly that, he ended up putting my show off air. Dunno why.

Though maybe I shouldn't have played *Free Fallin'*...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Politics

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on

The first surgeon, from New York, says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered..."

The second, from Chicago, responds, "Yeah, bu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Arranged marriage

An Indian guy wants to get married. His parents select three girls for him, and he goes on a couple of dates with each of them.

His friend asks him afterwards, “How did it go?”

He says, “Well, they were all really nice. But I did something different. I gave each of them Rs. 50,000 to s...

A couple wins a free day at a golf course

But just a few minutes into the game, the husband breaks the window of one of the most luxurious houses nearby.

When they arrive to try to talk their way out, the door is open, and a man with a luxurious robe stands next to a expensive looking broken crystal lamp.

- are you the owner o...

A blonde's office computer had technical issues

IT support came over to the desk and said he needed password to access her account.

"It's 'MickeyMinnieBatmanSupergirlWonderwomanLondon'" she replied.

"A bit unusual for a password, how did you come up with it?" the support dude asked.

She went "Because computer said the passwor...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a little girl who really loved dolls. She had a big collection of them in her bedroom.

There was a little girl who really loved dolls. She had a big collection of them in her bedroom. One day, while she was browsing through a shop on her own, she spotted a really beautiful doll. It would make a perfect addition to her collection. She only hoped she had enough money to buy it.

...

An accountant opens up their spreadsheet, only to find all the numbers missing. Their cat is sitting by the desk, looking smug.

I dont know why they're so suprised, cats are good at knocking things off tables.

My wife and I spend so much money on arthritis medication and weed that we made a whole new bank account just for those two things!

It's a joint account

How did the accountant escape prison?

He was really good at filing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Old Man with the IRS

The Man and the IRS

So an older gentleman received a phone call by the IRS, being notified about large sums of money going in and out of his account. He was told to be at the office first thing Monday morning. He thought to himself “Well if this is what I think it is, I better lawyer up.”
...

Girl, you must be a savings account...

Because my interest is to compound you daily.

Today’s my 69th Day Anniversary for my Reddit Account.

Am I in a good position?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.
...

What is an accountant’s favourite Lord of the Rings movie?

The Return of the King

Dear God, my prayer for 2019 is for a FAT bank account and a THIN body

Please don't mix it up like last year.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is sex like a bank account?

Because when you withdraw

You lose interest

A businessman is called up for an IRS audit. He’s really flustered and goes to his accountant for advice.

“Make sure you dress up like a guy who is on the edge of losing money. It will convince the auditor that you are not hiding anything.”

Not satisfied, he goes to his lawyer. He is told: “Dress in your best suit. If you look like a confident businessman, they won’t give you too much trouble.”<...

My email account got hacked again.

That's the third time I've had to rename my cat.

Bank Teller: "Sir, your account is overdrawn."

Me: "So are your eyebrows, but you made it work, didn't you?"

Did you hear about the constipated accountant?

They couldn’t budget

Eventually they did work it out with a pencil though.

I tried to use the password "beefstew" for my iTunes account.

But Siri said it wasn't stroganoff.

A man goes to an interview for an accountant firm

“In this company, you need to be able to calculate fast without calculator”

“I’ll give it a try. Test me”

“What is 35 x 47?”

The man answers quickly “476”

“That’s not even close”

“Yeah but thats fast”

Deputy Herbert was patrolling in his car down a road of a small town blanketed in snow one night.

Although it wasn't currently snowing, the temperature was well below freezing. No one would come out unless it was for emergencies. As the policeman rounded a corner, his headlights briefly passed over a vacant lot. Herbert quickly noticed something odd, and reversed his car so his headlights pointe...

My accountant is tired from doing too many taxes.

He developed H&R block.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The bank president's balls.

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"

After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's off...

Followed the instructions for my password but they didn’t work

It said, “Type Password”

So I entered, “Password”

Then it told me, “Your Password is Incorrect”

So I entered, “Incorrect”

To which it said, “Try Again”

So I typed, “Again”

But now for some reason I can’t do anything because it thinks my account name is “Lock...

*CORPORATE JOKE*

Agency: " Sir, we found 3 candidates as per your requirements. How do you want their placements, sir?"

MD: "Put about 100 bricks in a closed room. Then send the candidates into the room and close the door, leave them alone and come back after a few hours and analyse the situation:

...

An accountant is having a bad day

Everything is going wrong, his marriage is going down the tubes, he is about to lose his job, he steps out and looks down
Guy on the street calls the cops and says "Come quick! There's an accountant on the ledger!"

Why aren't accountants ever invited to company swim parties?

Their job requires that they point out any shrinkage.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.