This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife said she is leaving on account of my sexual fetishes

I said fine! slam the door on my cock on the way out

A man goes to a bank and asks to deposit $5,000 into his account.

The next day, he comes back and deposits $10,000.
The next day, he comes back and deposits $7,500. As he walks out, the banker asks him how he gets so much money in a day.
The man walks up to him and whispers, “I make bets with people.”
The banker tells him, “How do you make so much?”
...

Someone once told me that taking money out of your savings account is stealing from your future self.

Well luckily for me my future self won't be able to afford a lawyer to press charges against me.

My dad always said, "Work until your bank account looks like a phone number" so I did.

Account balance: $9.11

What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account?

Prime mates

How did Snoke test out his new Amazon account?

He made the first order!

I told one of my friends that they should make an account on here

I now Regreddit.

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It appears to me that 25% of my GPay account disappeared.

If you ask me, that's pretty Gay.

What do you call a redditor who changes accounts and posts the same content on each?

A Karma-Karma-Karma-Chameleon

I just checked my bank account balance and I have $10K

the K is silent.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband and wife were thinking of a password for their Twitter account.

The husband typed in "my penis" and the wife fell on the floor laughing when it said "error, not long enough."

I deleted my Facebook account...

So I didn’t get a single birthday wish.

To the guy who hacked my Reddit account

I will find you, and I will kill you


Edit: no you won't


Special edit for u/takes_joke_literally , are you happy now?

How did the priest get a negative balance in his checking account?

Clerical error.

Girl, you must be a savings account...

Because my interest is to compound you daily.

To the person who hacked into my reddit account...

I will find you, and I will kill you.

My wife and I spend so much money on arthritis medication and weed that we made a whole new bank account just for those two things!

It's a joint account

Today’s my 69th Day Anniversary for my Reddit Account.

Am I in a good position?

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I called in sick this morning on account of diarrhea.

My boss told me to get my shit together.

Bank Teller: "Sir, your account is overdrawn."

Me: "So are your eyebrows, but you made it work, didn't you?"

Dear God, my prayer for 2019 is for a FAT bank account and a THIN body

Please don't mix it up like last year.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is sex like a bank account?

Because when you withdraw

You lose interest

My friend is a CEO of a rather large corporation. He tells me he hired his account based solely on her looks, but is generally awful at her job.

It’s the THOT that counts.

A woman asks a man - "do you drink beer?"

Man: Yeah.

Woman: How many beers a day?

Man: Usually about 3.

Woman: How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00, including the tip.

Woman: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: About 20 years, I suppose.

Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beer...

I tried buying tickets to a rap concert to see if the bank had processed the loan I requested on my account

They did not Post Malone.

What did the virus name it's social media account?

Influenceza

I tried to use the password "beefstew" for my iTunes account.

But Siri said it wasn't stroganoff.

My email account got hacked again.

That's the third time I've had to rename my cat.

My account said I'm crazy for investing all my money in my idea of building a business that offers a boxing gym, a dentist, and a manicurist all under one roof.

But I told him I'm going to fight tooth and nail for it. Now if I could just think of a clever name for it, I'd be all set.

A bank tried to advertise its new current accounts

Unfortunately, there was no interest.

What do you call a landscaper's bank account?

A hedge fund

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So in 2018: my love left me, my dream is likely unreachable now, my future plan is shit and I have $15 in my bank account...

My life fits this sub so well.

This hacker keeps posting on my reddit account

I will find you and I will stop you.

Someone should make a phone app that connects to your bank account and only lists restaurant you can afford

Could call it Welp

I am an accounts payable clerk. It’s no a glamorous job

But it pays the bills

What is the password for all of Forest Gumps's accounts?

1forest1

Geez, somebody's found the password to my account.

,,Guess I'll have to rename my dog.

To the person who stole my Microsoft Office Account...

I will find you. You have my word.

My girlfriend is like my Netflix account

I pay for it and all my friends get to use it.

I went to Wendy’s for lunch but I had to check my bank account first

I had to make sure I can A-Four-for-Four’d it

A chemistry professor posted a bonus question to an exam:

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know ...

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I bet Ted Cruz has two twitter accounts now. one for porn, and one to talk about the laws he's passing...

Either way a woman's getting fucked

I've written a script for a film about an action hero who works in accounts.

The sequel going to be set in a different department.

This time it's personnel.

The head of KFC called the Pope

He said, "I'll give you a million dollars to change the Lord's prayer to give us our daily chicken."

The Pope said no and hung up.

KFC called back and offered 10 million.

The Pope said no and hung up.

KFC called back and offered 100 million.

The Pope said, "You hav...

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[Foul language] Man wants to open a bank account at this shitty bank

A man enters a bank and walks up to the clerk desk.

"Good day to you sir, what can I help you with today?" Says the clerk.

"I want to open a fucking account at this shitty bank." Responds the man.

"Excuse me?" Says the clerk lady.

"You heard me, I want to open a fucking b...

Antivaxxers should create social media accounts for their children

They'll go viral in no time.

My bank account is huge.

It has lots of space for the money I don't have.

Man tries to open a bank account

Teller asks him : "Your name?"
"J-j-jj-hhh-on S-ss-mm-i-tthh"
"Oh you stutter?"
"No my dad did but the person who did by birth certificate was a complete moron."

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There was a little girl who really loved dolls. She had a big collection of them in her bedroom.

There was a little girl who really loved dolls. She had a big collection of them in her bedroom. One day, while she was browsing through a shop on her own, she spotted a really beautiful doll. It would make a perfect addition to her collection. She only hoped she had enough money to buy it.

...

I looked at my bank account and found I could live the rest of my life comfortably without working...

... as long as I die on Thursday.

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I was offered $5,000 to sell my account to an advertisement firm

It was a tempting offer, but in the end I had to decline. My morals are strong and intentions are good, just like the wonderful people at Nestle.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window,

"I want to open a fuckin' checking account"
To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?"
"Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a fuckin' checking account right now."
"Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!"
The teller left the wi...

A blonde's office computer had technical issues

IT support came over to the desk and said he needed password to access her account.

"It's 'MickeyMinnieBatmanSupergirlWonderwomanLondon'" she replied.

"A bit unusual for a password, how did you come up with it?" the support dude asked.

She went "Because computer said the passwor...

What do you call an onion that’s got rhythm, rhyme, and a Soundcloud account?

A rapscallion.

I was at the bank going to withdraw money from my account when the clerk told me I had an outstanding balance

I told her thank you I did gymnastics as a kid.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man deposits $1,000 cash into his bank account every day

The bank employees start getting a little suspicious and tell the manager about the customer. The manager tells them to let him know next time he makes a deposit. Surely enough, the next day, he comes with 1k in cash to deposit into his account. The tellers tell the man that the manager would like t...

Girls always tell me I'm ugly until they see the balance in my bank account

They then call me ugly and broke :(

I’m so broke, I went to check my account balance at the ATM...

And it printed me out a coupon for Ramen Noodles

I think someone from Russia is trying to hack my account.

Edit: Oh, Me such goof. I are not hack by Russia. The motherland is innocent. Good wishes bye!

A mate of mine has a bank account just for buying raisins

It's a current account.

My wife told me she's leaving me on account of my pasta fetish.

I'm feeling cannelloni right now.

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