Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor and decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally.

Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor and decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally. One of them suggested the nearby cemetery. As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, two oranges fell out of the big bag but they didn't bother to pick them up sinc...

My coworker Jim sits next to another coworker, Collin. One day, Jim replaced the nametag on his cubicle to also say Collin

I asked him, "Jim, your name isn't Collin. What's going on?"

He replied, "We're trying to Collin-ize the area."

(True story)

My friend Billy Bob and I visited a place where you can stand in three states at once: Oklahoma, Kansas, and Missouri. Billy Bob opened up and said that he was actually in a fourth state; crippling depression. I said, “I’m so sorry”

“... but you can’t count Missouri twice.”

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Deathbed announcement

Doug Pender lived all his life in the Florida Keys. Now he is on his deathbed and knows the end is getting very near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter, and his two sons are with him.

He asks for two witnesses to be present and for a camcorder to be in place to record his last wishes. When al...

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What's the most depressed and simultaneously sexually active place in America?

Oh I was hoping you would know... I've heard it's a sad state of affairs

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A quack posted a sign on his place which said "Can treat all kinds of illneses for $100. If I can't, I'll pay you $100"

A guy tried his luck and went inside.

Guy: hey doc, my sense of taste is messed up

Quack: Okay. Let me get the medicine from the second shelf and you'll drink one tablespoon of it

[*guy drinks medicine*]

Guy: [*spits*] fuck you, this is gasoline!

Quack: y...

Therapist: It seems like you place the burden of all your failures on others, refusing to take responsibility due to learned helplessness, despite most of your problems being solvable.

Client: Yeah, I get that from my mother.

A man who says a woman's place is only in the kitchen is completely wrong

How the hell is she supposed to clean the rest of the house then?

I always get told its neither the time nor the place for cracking really cheesy puns at work

Now I'm not sure about the time but I guess this is as gouda place as any....

There's a place where January comes after February and December comes before September

It's the dictionary

A Chinese food place tried to charge me for 1,000kg worth of food

The server told me she thought I had ordered the one tonne soup.

My roommate is very untidy and never cleans the place. I finally snapped and told him he needed to do his share

His response: “If I could turn back time, If I could find a way….”

My car’s gone and a horse and carriage is in it’s place...

Something seems A-mish

So, a woman places a classified ad in a newspaper.

She requests a man who won't run away, won't beat her, and is good in bed. One day, her doorbell rings.

She opens the door to see a quadruple amputee. She proceeds to say, "Why are you here?

"I'm responding to your ad."

"Why?"

"I have no legs, so I can't run away. I have ...

What do you call a number that can’t stay in one place?

A Roamin’ numeral.

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law, unfortunately killing her instantly.

At the funeral service, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head "...

A Jewish man's wife dies. He wants to place an obituary in the local newspaper. The lady taking his order asks him what he'd like the obituary to say. He says just put "Rachel died" The lady explained he can can actually use five words as it's the same price as two. He says please put

"Rachel died. Volvo for sale"

Why do cats walk around houses like they own the place?

Well, you can't spell "homeowner" without "meow"!

A man dies and goes to hell. a devil meets him at the gate and tells him to look around and find a place where he will stay for the eternity.

So the guy looks around and notices people in pain, suffering, flames, screams, tears everywhere. He can't find a place for himself so he keeps walking, looking, searching. At one point he looks down and sees a bit of sand...

"Sand, in hell? Weird" he thinks, lifts his eyes up and sees more s...

Why would the world have been a better place if Adam And Eve had been Chinese?

Because they would have eaten the snake instead of the apple.

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I met this strange woman at the bar last night and we went back to her place to have sex. Now, I don't know if any of you know what a "screamer" in the bedroom is...

...but she had never been with one before and it really freaked her out.

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Wanna come over to my place and watch a porno?

On my flat screen mirror.

At a family breakfast the following conversation takes place between a dad and his 7 year old son.

Son: Daddy what are those big round things on mummies chest?”

Dad: They’re balloons son. When mummy dies we can blow them up and she’ll float to heaven.”

Son: Really? Because Uncle Frank was blowing them up yesterday and mummy kept saying “Oh God, I’m coming” but she didn’t float any...

I often act out the names of places that I visit.

For example, when I went to Poole, I went swimming. When I went to Rugby, I played rugby. When I went to Bath, I took a bath.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, I need bailing out of Blackburn police station.

A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:

Man: What's the problem officer?

Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.

Man: No sir, I was going 65.

Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.

Man: Broken tail l...

I took an epileptic girl to a rave⁠. I jokingly told her, "I hear this place has rave reviews”:

But she just rolled her eyes at me.

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I’ve got this new hobby. I pay for the services of multiple prostitutes, but I do NOT have sex with them. I just place them together and “fold” them into interesting shapes like cranes and flowers.

It’s called Whore-a-gami.

Where is an assassin’s favorite place to shop?

Target.

Seeking inspiration, a screenwriter goes to the holy place of Golgotha in Jerusalem, believed to be the site of Jesus's crucifixion. Finding a quiet spot, he begins to write. Unfortunately, a group of thieves sneak up behind him, knock him out, and steal his laptop.

Another victim of a cross site scripting attack.

Whenever I go out on dates, I don't take my girlfriend to my list of very special places.

I reserve those to my friends and my wife.

I found a place where the recycling rate is 98%

r/jokes

What do you call the place where concrete is buried?

A cementary.

After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed a New York cab driver had been awarded a higher place than he.

“I don’t understand,” he complained to God. “I devoted my entire life to my congregation.”

God explained to him, “Our policy here in heaven is to reward results. Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?”

“Well,” the minister had to admit, “some in the ...

A guy in a supermarket goes up to the cashier and places two cans of dog food on the counter

The cashier asks, "Do you have a dog sir?" "Yes, it's at home," replies the man. "To be able to sell you the dog food sir, I must see the dog. That is store policy," says the cashier. Next day the man goes places two cans of cat food on the counter. "Do you own a cat sir?" asks the cashier. "Yes I d...

Alabama is the best place to be from!

Since it means you currently aren’t there.

Where in a house is the safest place to hide from zombies?

The living room

From what I've learnt during my education about European countries, Switzerland seems like a great place

The best part about it is its flag. It's a big plus

Today i saw a strip club across the road from a minigolf place.

I'm liberal but that's too much for me. What if your trying to have a nice afternoon with your family and kids and you look across the street and have to see a bunch of losers playing minigolf.

I broke my leg in three places: My Doctor said.

I advise you not to go to those three places again..

Nothing annoys me more than people who don’t know how to walk in crowded places like the mall.

Their wheelchairs always get in the way.

During the annual cavemen conference ...

Greg : so I kept rubbing this rock against another rock until it became very thin and now I can cut vegetables,meat using this . I call this "The Knife" .

Chief Gogo : wow , I thought no-one can beat Gorg's invention of using wheat flour and water to create a new food called "bread" but yours...

The dairy farm

A man hears word of a dairy farm that runs a brothel behind the scenes, and decides to go check it out. When he gets there, the old farmer that runs the place informs him of how things work.

Farmer: We're not a brothel in the traditional sense. See, there's a wall over there with 3 holes ...

A man goes to heaven and is greeted by an angel who shows him around the place

"Over there is a local restaurant, it's guaranteed to have your favorite meal there" said the angel

"And over there is a theater, and to the left, there's a swimming pool"

The angel soon finishes the tour and finds that the man is overjoyed.

The angel had one more thing to say t...

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At the height of WWII on the Eastern front, a high-level meeting takes place in the Kremlin between Stalin and the marshals on the situation on their respective fronts.

When the meeting ends, Marshal Georgy Zhukov is the first one to step out. As he does so, he mutters under his breath "Fucking asshole with a mustache!" It just so happens that Stalin's secretary, Alexander Poskrebyshev hears this. So being a loyal servant to the cause, he reports it to his boss. St...

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The terrible 2nd place prize

A girl enters a game show that allows her to win a trip to space and visit the cosmos at the furthest regions of our solar system. The girl must compete in games related to space and physics to determine if she’s got what it takes to go.

After hours of grueling physical and emotional trauma t...

What’s the worst place to ask for the plane’s WiFi password?

In your office.

What do you call the place where you have a chance to get a stroke?

The clottery

What do you call the feverish spread of strongly worded arguments against very lame and badly functioning replacement arms that tell the future while composing strictly written limericks while moving from place to place?

A parapatetic pathetic prophetic pedantic poetic paretic prosthetic polemic pandemic.

Some music transports you to different places

Today I went to a cafe where they were playing Shawn Mendes and I left and went to a different one.

All the bones went to Tibia and Fibula's place...

They were having a shindig.

A woman places an ad looking for a man to be her lover

The ad reads: "Looking for a man with 3 qualities: won’t beat me up, won’t run away from me, and is great in bed."

A few days later her doorbell rings. The man says, "Hi, I’m Dave. I have no arms so I won’t beat you, and no feet so I won’t run away."

"What makes you think you're great ...

The one place you can come outside but never go back in.

Your Mom's uterus.

I want to find a place that accepts me

Like Stanford or Yale or Brown

We ordered a Chinese takeaway last night from a local place (I won't name them)

and as I was driving home, I heard the bags rustling and moving!! I thought what the hell is that. Has something got in the bag, I thought I could see a little pair of eyes peering out at me. I was driving so I leaned forward, picked up the bag, put it on the passenger seat and there it was agai...

So I dated this white girl once. We're where driving around looking for a place to eat. I asked her have you ever had five guys

She said once but she was really needing the money

Saint Peter decides to take a day off work, and Jesus takes his place. St. Peter explains that he should ask any person who comes to the gates a little about themselves before they enter. Then you decide whether or not they should be allowed into heaven.

It's a slow day, but most people are allowed to enter. Then a frail old man shows up. Jesus urges him to sit down and starts asking some questions. . "What did you do for a living", Jesus asks.

"I was a carpenter", the man replies.

"Did you have any family", Jesus asks.

"I had a...

What's the best place to get scrubs?

The passenger's side of their best friend's rides.

Music can take you places.

For example, Nickelback started playing, so now I'm going to a different cafe

I live in a place where it feels like misery

It's Missouri

This might not be the right place to ask but does anyone know where I can practice being dominant in bed with this girl I met?

Sorry, I'm new to this sub.

God created the earth, he wanted one perfect place, so he made France.

Then, seeing what he had done, he decided he had gone too far, so he made Frenchmen.

My shrink thinks I’m looking for love in all the wrong places.

She said I can’t trust women who charge by the hour.

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What’s the one place in school where it’s not weird to get a boner

Wood shop

if you put a man in a place where the temperature is -273.15°C for a while, will he be alright?

Yeah, he will be 0K.

A crime scene investigation takes place in a train yard.

A body lies severed across the tracks.

Inspector: "Do we have a motive?"

Officer: "Loco."

what do peasants use in place of aromatherapy?

essential toils

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Guys, after years of a sexless and loveless marriage I’m finally getting divorced. She’s keeping the house and furniture. But ever since I moved into my own place I’ve been screwing almost every night.

I screwed together the TV stand, I screwed together the book shelf, I screwed together a computer desk, nightstand, dining room table, benches and chairs, etc. I just keep screwing. Thanks IKEA!

Did you hear about the place in western Czech Republic where they do hip-hop covers of Queen songs?

It's the Bohemian Rap City.

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I was at the bar one night and having a drink with lady that was in a wheelchair due to a car wreck that left her without her legs. Which didn’t bother me at all, she was stunning. She was a tiny little thing and very beautiful, we hit it off pretty quick. So we decided to go back to her place.

We got to her place and I got the wheel chair for her and lifted her little body out of the car and rolled her inside the house. Once inside we had a few more drinks and things started to heat up between the two of us. I took off her little shirt and her little bottoms she was wearing and she tells ...

No place like home...

Tom had lived in New York City for 30 years now. As he looked out the window of his office suite, he realized it was Christmas Eve.

He had been so absorbed with the company business and without a family of his own, had really not been paying attention to the holidays. As he stared at t...

The CEOs of four beer companies are having a meeting and decide to place an order. (Not the ending you'd expect)

The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud light. The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Lite. The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light. The CEO of Guinness orders coke.

The three CEOs then ask him, why aren't you ordering a Guinness?

He replies: "If you guys aren't drinking beer then I might as well s...

I entered a Twisted Sister lookalike contest and came in last place

I won a rock

I couldn't get lunch because the line was too long at the Vietnamese place.

It was a real pho queue.

My grandads old place has this old fence that for some reason seems to be impossible to remove. Tonight I'm going to try explosives

Edit: Wow I didnt expect this post to blow up as much as it did!

I checked into a hotel and the place was crawling with people dressed up as evergreen trees.

Dang Firry conventions.

Me in heaven: Damn,this place is nice as hell

God: nice as what?

Where’s the best place to hide a body?

Page 2 of Google Search results.

A man places some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and starts back toward his car when his attention is diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.

The man seems to be praying with profound intensity and keeps repeating, “Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?”



The first man approaches him and says, “Sir, I don’t wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I’ve ever seen befor...

I walked into an old defunct Nike store today. The place was depressing because-

there wasn't a sole in sight.

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Did you hear about the guy who got 2nd place in a peeing contest?

He's probably so pissed.

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[NSFW] I took a girl back to my place last night...

...as I was fucking her on my bed, I pulled out a bottle of lube and said, "Do you mind if I put it up your arse?"
She looked at me and said. "Is it going to hurt?"
.
.
.
.
.
I said, "Probably, it's a big bottle."

I used to work at a place where they crushed down soda cans after they were used.

I had to quit though, because it was just

*soda pressing*

A child is ill and the make a wish foundation asks what he would like more than anything. The child thinks about it and says, "I'd like to trade places with Donald Trump!"

They interpret as he wants to know what it's like to be president for a day.

So they ask Trump, he obliges.

Trump meets the child and asks, "So you want to know what it's like to be
president?"

The child, disappointed, retorts "No, I just wanted you to have cancer."

What do you call an Islamic place of worship in Ecuador?

A "mosquito"

I've broken my arm in 3 places.

I've decided to stop going to those places.

Actual conversation that took place in front of me today while waiting for my food at a chicken place...

There were 4 teens standing in front of me, 2 boys and 2 girls. One of the girls walks off to go to the restroom...

Guy A “Hey man, is that your sister?”

Guy B “Yeah”

Guy A “I can tell, y’all look just alike. This is my sister and we don’t look nothin’ alike. I look just like my...

Where is the safest place to hide after you murder someone?

Behind a badge.

Guy takes a gal to his place for dinner the other day...

...he gives her his peas and she gives him herpes

Where is a sheeps favourite place to drink?

At their local baa.

Where is the worst place to hide in a hospital?

ICU.

What do you call a place where Italian immigrants live?

A spaghetto.

Where is the best place to cheat on someone.

A Ferris wheel

They say you don't want to be stuck between a rock and a hard place

Tell that to Dwayne Johnson's balls

How many ants do you need to rent out a place?

Tenants

The movie “A Quiet Place” is based on a Jeff Dunham skit.

SILENCE!! THEY KEEEL YOU!!!

A dying man's final wish is to be cremated. His daughter already having dealt with the pain of burying her mother, asks "where would you like to be placed?" He responds, "my favorite place of all time...

between your mother's legs."

A man was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library...

He asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"

The girl replied, in a loud voice "NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

All the people in the library started staring at the man, who was deeply embarrassed and moved to another table.

After a couple of minutes, the g...

He: "So where do we go, my place or yours?"

She: "We do both. I go to mine and you to yours."

What do you call the place where bad noodles live?

The Spaghetto

What do you call noodles who can’t remember anything?

Forgetti


I’d like to apologize for wasting your time with these terrible jokes, just trying to get pasta really boring morning.

I hope my internet points don’t take a hit too, that would cost me a ...

What do you call it when a bunch of stock markets suddenly show in the same place!

An investation.

(Credit to my 10 year old nephew James)

What's the best place to meet women?

I tried this door marked "Ladies" and they just yelled at me.

6 hours after a major bank robbery took place this morning, the bank have finally released their statement.

Withdrawn: £7 000 000.00

Balance: £0.00

My wife asked me if I am still taking photos of lost places

I said yes and showed her some photos of our bedroom.

I was walking through the countryside and I thought to myself, "The world is a wonderful and beautiful place why would anyone ever do drugs?"

...Then I remembered I was on drugs.

If you drop your phone in water you should place it in a bowl of rice.

Asian people are attracted to the rice and are very good at repairing electronic devices.

NB. Thanks for being good sports Asian people!

Can I crash at your place tonight ?

No Hobo tho.

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Bill is out for a drive and comes across a place that does psychic readings.

Bill, ever the skeptic, walks in just to tell the psychic that he's a fraud and that he's taking advantage of people. The psychic tells Bill to try his Skeptic's package. "What's that?", Bill asked. "It's a special deal I offer to people who don't believe in psychics." The psychic began to explain. ...

What do you call a place where you eat a lot, spend a lot but didn’t like it one bit and wonder why you went there in the first place?

A food festival.

What's the best place to organise a pig race?

BuckingHam Palace!

What is a gerbils favorite place to go in Europe?

Hamsterdam

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