My coworker Jim sits next to another coworker, Collin. One day, Jim replaced the nametag on his cubicle to also say Collin

I asked him, "Jim, your name isn't Collin. What's going on?"

He replied, "We're trying to Collin-ize the area."

(True story)

My friend Billy Bob and I visited a place where you can stand in three states at once: Oklahoma, Kansas, and Missouri. Billy Bob opened up and said that he was actually in a fourth state; crippling depression. I said, “I’m so sorry”

“... but you can’t count Missouri twice.”

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law, unfortunately killing her instantly.

At the funeral service, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head "...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I’ve got this new hobby. I pay for the services of multiple prostitutes, but I do NOT have sex with them. I just place them together and “fold” them into interesting shapes like cranes and flowers.

It’s called Whore-a-gami.

Where in a house is the safest place to hide from zombies?

The living room

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Deathbed announcement

Doug Pender lived all his life in the Florida Keys. Now he is on his deathbed and knows the end is getting very near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter, and his two sons are with him.

He asks for two witnesses to be present and for a camcorder to be in place to record his last wishes. When al...

A dog calls up a newspaper to place a personal ad...

The operator says, "What do you want the advert to say?"

The dog replies, "Woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof".

The operator says, "Our minimum charge is 10 words. Do you want me to add another "woof" for the same price? "

The dog says, "No, that wouldn't make any sens...

After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed a New York cab driver had been awarded a higher place than he.

“I don’t understand,” he complained to God. “I devoted my entire life to my congregation.”

God explained to him, “Our policy here in heaven is to reward results. Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?”

“Well,” the minister had to admit, “some in the ...

Saint Peter decides to take a day off work, and Jesus takes his place. St. Peter explains that he should ask any person who comes to the gates a little about themselves before they enter. Then you decide whether or not they should be allowed into heaven.

It's a slow day, but most people are allowed to enter. Then a frail old man shows up. Jesus urges him to sit down and starts asking some questions. . "What did you do for a living", Jesus asks.

"I was a carpenter", the man replies.

"Did you have any family", Jesus asks.

"I had a...

The dairy farm

A man hears word of a dairy farm that runs a brothel behind the scenes, and decides to go check it out. When he gets there, the old farmer that runs the place informs him of how things work.

Farmer: We're not a brothel in the traditional sense. See, there's a wall over there with 3 holes ...

God created the earth, he wanted one perfect place, so he made France.

Then, seeing what he had done, he decided he had gone too far, so he made Frenchmen.

So I dated this white girl once. We're where driving around looking for a place to eat. I asked her have you ever had five guys

She said once but she was really needing the money

My shrink thinks I’m looking for love in all the wrong places.

She said I can’t trust women who charge by the hour.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was at the bar one night and having a drink with lady that was in a wheelchair due to a car wreck that left her without her legs. Which didn’t bother me at all, she was stunning. She was a tiny little thing and very beautiful, we hit it off pretty quick. So we decided to go back to her place.

We got to her place and I got the wheel chair for her and lifted her little body out of the car and rolled her inside the house. Once inside we had a few more drinks and things started to heat up between the two of us. I took off her little shirt and her little bottoms she was wearing and she tells ...

Did you hear about the place in western Czech Republic where they do hip-hop covers of Queen songs?

It's the Bohemian Rap City.

A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:

Man: What's the problem officer?

Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.

Man: No sir, I was going 65.

Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.

Man: Broken tail l...

I found a place where the recycling rate is 99.99%

/r/Jokes

I checked into a hotel and the place was crawling with people dressed up as evergreen trees.

Dang Firry conventions.

No place like home...

Tom had lived in New York City for 30 years now. As he looked out the window of his office suite, he realized it was Christmas Eve.

He had been so absorbed with the company business and without a family of his own, had really not been paying attention to the holidays. As he stared at t...

During the annual cavemen conference ...

Greg : so I kept rubbing this rock against another rock until it became very thin and now I can cut vegetables,meat using this . I call this "The Knife" .

Chief Gogo : wow , I thought no-one can beat Gorg's invention of using wheat flour and water to create a new food called "bread" but yours...

if you put a man in a place where the temperature is -273.15°C for a while, will he be alright?

Yeah, he will be 0K.

Me in heaven: Damn,this place is nice as hell

God: nice as what?

A man places some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and starts back toward his car when his attention is diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.

The man seems to be praying with profound intensity and keeps repeating, “Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?”

​

The first man approaches him and says, “Sir, I don’t wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I’ve eve...

My grandads old place has this old fence that for some reason seems to be impossible to remove. Tonight I'm going to try explosives

Edit: Wow I didnt expect this post to blow up as much as it did!

I couldn't get lunch because the line was too long at the Vietnamese place.

It was a real pho queue.

A woman places an ad looking for a man to be her lover

The ad reads: "Looking for a man with 3 qualities: won’t beat me up, won’t run away from me, and is great in bed."

A few days later her doorbell rings. The man says, "Hi, I’m Dave. I have no arms so I won’t beat you, and no feet so I won’t run away."

"What makes you think you're great ...

I walked into an old defunct Nike store today. The place was depressing because-

there wasn't a sole in sight.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did you hear about the guy who got 2nd place in a peeing contest?

He's probably so pissed.

The CEOs of four beer companies are having a meeting and decide to place an order. (Not the ending you'd expect)

The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud light. The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Lite. The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light. The CEO of Guinness orders coke.

The three CEOs then ask him, why aren't you ordering a Guinness?

He replies: "If you guys aren't drinking beer then I might as well s...

Where is the safest place to hide after you murder someone?

Behind a badge.

I used to work at a place where they crushed down soda cans after they were used.

I had to quit though, because it was just

*soda pressing*

Where’s the best place to hide a body?

Page 2 of Google Search results.

Where is the worst place to hide in a hospital?

ICU.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When to my girlfriend’s place last night and her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together in the same bed

It’s a shame, he is really handsome and sexy!

What do you call an Islamic place of worship in Ecuador?

A "mosquito"

If A Quiet Place was real...

People who talk in their sleep would have a rude awakening.

What do you call a place where Italian immigrants live?

A spaghetto.

My wife asked me if I am still taking photos of lost places

I said yes and showed her some photos of our bedroom.

Actual conversation that took place in front of me today while waiting for my food at a chicken place...

There were 4 teens standing in front of me, 2 boys and 2 girls. One of the girls walks off to go to the restroom...

Guy A “Hey man, is that your sister?”

Guy B “Yeah”

Guy A “I can tell, y’all look just alike. This is my sister and we don’t look nothin’ alike. I look just like my...

Where is a sheeps favourite place to drink?

At their local baa.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[NSFW] I took a girl back to my place last night...

...as I was fucking her on my bed, I pulled out a bottle of lube and said, "Do you mind if I put it up your arse?"
She looked at me and said. "Is it going to hurt?"
.
.
.
.
.
I said, "Probably, it's a big bottle."

I told my doctor I broke my leg in 2 places...

He said "don't go back to those places again".

How many ants do you need to rent out a place?

Tenants

A child is ill and the make a wish foundation asks what he would like more than anything. The child thinks about it and says, "I'd like to trade places with Donald Trump!"

They interpret as he wants to know what it's like to be president for a day.

So they ask Trump, he obliges.

Trump meets the child and asks, "So you want to know what it's like to be
president?"

The child, disappointed, retorts "No, I just wanted you to have cancer."

Where is the best place to cheat on someone.

A Ferris wheel

What do you call it when a bunch of stock markets suddenly show in the same place!

An investation.

(Credit to my 10 year old nephew James)

The movie “A Quiet Place” is based on a Jeff Dunham skit.

SILENCE!! THEY KEEEL YOU!!!

Guy takes a gal to his place for dinner the other day...

...he gives her his peas and she gives him herpes

He: "So where do we go, my place or yours?"

She: "We do both. I go to mine and you to yours."

What do you call the place where bad noodles live?

The Spaghetto

What do you call noodles who can’t remember anything?

Forgetti


I’d like to apologize for wasting your time with these terrible jokes, just trying to get pasta really boring morning.

I hope my internet points don’t take a hit too, that would cost me a ...

The safest place to be during an earthquake would be

in a stationary store.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

FBI recruitment is taking place

Alot of people try and in the end 3 men qualify for the final challenge,
They call the first guy in and tell him,"your wife is sitting in there,kill her so we know that you will follow our every order"
He is shocked, he goes in, picks up the gun and tries to do it but he gives up.
They call...

6 hours after a major bank robbery took place this morning, the bank have finally released their statement.

Withdrawn: £7 000 000.00

Balance: £0.00

What's the best place to organise a pig race?

BuckingHam Palace!

Can I crash at your place tonight ?

No Hobo tho.

If you drop your phone in water you should place it in a bowl of rice.

Asian people are attracted to the rice and are very good at repairing electronic devices.

NB. Thanks for being good sports Asian people!

I was walking through the countryside and I thought to myself, "The world is a wonderful and beautiful place why would anyone ever do drugs?"

...Then I remembered I was on drugs.

What's the best place to meet women?

I tried this door marked "Ladies" and they just yelled at me.

Top ten places to put a toaster in your bathroom.

Number three will shock you!

What is a gerbils favorite place to go in Europe?

Hamsterdam

What’s a cop’s favorite place to eat?

Arrestaurant.

What is the difference between an STD and some place that doesn't exist anymore?

One is gonorrhea, the other is a gone area.

Ill show myself out now

So i have accepted that I'm a 1. And this 10 just invited me back to her place.

I told her "thanks but i like having two kidneys"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A bar owner decides to make his place a piano bar.

He hires a pianist, buys a baby grand, shuts down the bar and has it redecorated. He talks to one of his friends and says,”Man, I hope this place goes over, I’m kind of worried no one will come.” The friend says, “Well, have a grand opening. Advertise and get the word out.” The bar owner takes his a...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Bill is out for a drive and comes across a place that does psychic readings.

Bill, ever the skeptic, walks in just to tell the psychic that he's a fraud and that he's taking advantage of people. The psychic tells Bill to try his Skeptic's package. "What's that?", Bill asked. "It's a special deal I offer to people who don't believe in psychics." The psychic began to explain. ...

Me when I show my Itallian friend the place where things are excavated which belongs to me

"It's a mine"

What do you call a place of religious worship for Tesla cars?

An Elon Mosque

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Alan Turing goes to spend the night at his girlfriend's place.

He knocks on the door, and her father opens up. He then puts his hand out and says: "Good evening, sir, I'm Turing and I'm here to fuck your daughter."

"To WHAT???"

"Tu-ring"

A company decides to build a strip club across the street from a mini-golf place.

A bunch of people were really upset about this, and you can't really blame them. I mean, who wants to be enjoying a nice family outing only to look across the street and see some losers playing mini-golf?

Asked a girl at the bar if she'd like to come back to my place and she said, "I wouldn't sleep with you if you were the last man on Earth."

So I replied, "If I were the last man on Earth, you wouldn't even be allowed in *line*.

A man was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library...

He asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"

The girl replied, in a loud voice "NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

All the people in the library started staring at the man, who was deeply embarrassed and moved to another table.

After a couple of minutes, the g...

What's the most awkward place to run into a homeless person?

On your way to the Coinstar... "ehh, no i don't have any spare change, I was just on my way to turn this into real money"

Have you heard about the place way up North where birds stop flying North and start flying south?

It's where they make Arctic Terns.

Reporter 1: The cult members seem totally brainwashed, and still place their blind faith in a false savior offering hollow promises of salvation!

Reporter 2: And that concludes our report from the White House.

Coco Chanel once said that you should put perfume on places where you want to be kissed by a man.

But hell does that burn!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An owl flew into a Kebab place and started dancing.

The customers were amazed and started taking videos.

Every day, it returned, and soon the owl became a tourist attraction.

Visitors from different continents came to see the owl, while the Kebab place prospered.

One day, the owner, a man named John Spon, decided to lock up the o...

What's the cheapest place to buy shrimp?

A prawn shop.

I've broken my arm in 3 places.

I've decided to stop going to those places.

Art thieves pillaged a museum of European 17th and 18th century artwork. They smashed windows, stole paintings, destroyed exhibits, and even did a number on the light fixtures. Everything about the place is a mere ruin of what it was yesterday.

It's all baroque now.

After a night out partying, my brother shows up with a huge bandage on his nose. His girlfriend said,"His nose was broken in three places."

Turns out it was exactly the same three places I had warned him not to go when he'd been drinking.

Where do fast food places get those square fish for the filet-o-fish sandwiches?

From the asquarium.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did you hear? They opened a pizza place in the Vatican!

It’s called Cheesus Crust.

They only use Swiss cheese Because it’s so holy.

Their most famous topping is pope-peroni.

They’re really famous for their dough.
It takes three days to rise.

They only serve seeded olives.
Because they’re afraid of the pit.

Their...

The most dangerous place in the world is Gunpoint.

I'm always hearing about it in the news, robbed or kidnapped at Gunpoint. Crazy.

Where's a Cows Favorite Place to Sit?

The Cowch!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy moves to a new town and is looking for nearby place to get a drink.

He walks into the first bar he sees and orders a beer. The bartender serves him but says that if he wants to come back he has to become a member. The guy takes a drink and looks around the place then asks, "well what do I gotta do to be a member?" The bartender reply's, "Well, did you see that 7 foo...

My friend just came back from his holiday to the coldest place in the universe.

He told me it was 0K

Where's a good place to buy PJ's?

Pajamazon.

There's a special place in hell for people like me

It's called 'The Throne'.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

According to scientists, if you place your head on a strangers thigh

You will hear "What the fuck are you doing, get out, you pervert"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What is better than getting second place in the special olympics

Not being retarded

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There is a man at a bar, the place is packed and he seriously needs to take a. Shit.

He goes to the bathroom only to find it out of order. He decides to go upstairs to the employee bathroom, that bathroom to is out of service. He goes up once again and all he finds is a hole in the floor. He said what the hell and squats to do his business. When he’s done he walks back down to the b...

A graveyard is the most popular place in town.

After all, people are dying to get there

South Park Originally Took Place in Ireland

Kilkenny to be exact.

In a far away place... In a small rural town...

There was a boy named john. John didn’t have many friends growing up as he preferred to keep to himself. Johns family were farmers through and through, his favourite thing to do was to drive their tractor around and around the farm, john always adored tractors, the big back wheels and the small fron...

I bought my wife a gift for Christmas and hid it in the perfect spot, a place she would never look.

I put it in her lingerie drawer.

I’m always getting run over by the same bike, same day every month, same place, month after month...

It's a seriously vicious cycle.

Said in my middle school science class. "Halophiles are a type of bacteria that can survive in the saltiest places on earth."

Student Response: Does that mean they can survive inside a Fortnite lobby?

I wanted to high five this student so hard.

Al-Qaeda captured a new place to house their men...

It was a hostel takeover

A guy pulls a tiny piano from his trench coat and places it on the bar...

A few people stop to watch what he's doing. He then reaches in and pulls out a tiny piano bench. By now a crowd of people has gathered to see what is going on. Finally the man pulls out a man that is about a foot tall. The little man sits down and plays the most amazing piano that anyone has ever he...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I met this strange woman at the bar last night and we went back to her place to have sex. I don't know if any of you know what a "screamer" in the bedroom is, but...

...well, she had never been with one before and it really freaked her out.

A girl picked me up from bar, took me to her place , blindfolded me, promised to show me the time of my life , and pegged me with her strap on. My friend says I was assaulted.

I failed to see the problem.

If the United States got the moon for winning the space race, what did the Soviet Union recieve for second place?

A constellation prize.

When’s the worst place to have an erection ?

During a relay race

What do you call a pachyderm who's in last place?

Doesn't matter - it's rear elephant

There was three people approaching the gates of heaven But there was only one place left

The gate keeper asked the first man what happened to him because the one with the worst death would go inn. The first man said: "Well imagine that I expected my wife was having an affair, so I got home early to surprise her. I found her in the bathroom with a towel round her so I knew she wasn't hav...

My grade school teacher would often touch me in inappropriate places.

Places like the kitchen and the living room. I hated being homeschooled

If you go over to their place after a great date and see the banner of the former Soviet Union hanging on the wall...

Well then that's a big red flag.

A lawyer gets on a bus, sits down, places his bag on the next sit and says:

I rest my case.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There are 2 friends and went to their 3rd mutual friend to pay him a visit at his place. He offered them what they want to drink and all of them start drinking some white wine with some antipasto. After a while the host and his wife realized that the 2 friends drank more than 5 liters of the wine,

and thought if they keep going like that they are going to drink all their wine, so they decided to give them white vinaigrette instead. They gave them a bottle, both friends are trying the 'new wine' and the one says nothing, the other one spit the vinaigrette and says to the other: bro don't you s...

To everyone in a dark place at the moment

I hope you wake up in the morning feeling well rested!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A college advertising lecture is taking place. The speaker is presenting his anti-drug PSA.

He says:

- I am the author of a simple, yet effective campaign against drug use.

He shows the poster he designed. It shows two circles, one big and the other small. The big one is titled "This Is Your Brain", the small one is titled "This Is Your Brain on Drugs". The speaker says:
<...

Given the current climate, Saudi Arabia is a dangerous place to visit.

I won’t beheading there anytime soon.