My coworker Jim sits next to another coworker, Collin. One day, Jim replaced the nametag on his cubicle to also say Collin

I asked him, "Jim, your name isn't Collin. What's going on?"

He replied, "We're trying to Collin-ize the area."

(True story)

My friend Billy Bob and I visited a place where you can stand in three states at once: Oklahoma, Kansas, and Missouri. Billy Bob opened up and said that he was actually in a fourth state; crippling depression. I said, “I’m so sorry”

“... but you can’t count Missouri twice.”

The dairy farm

A man hears word of a dairy farm that runs a brothel behind the scenes, and decides to go check it out. When he gets there, the old farmer that runs the place informs him of how things work.

Farmer: We're not a brothel in the traditional sense. See, there's a wall over there with 3 holes ...

if you put a man in a place where the temperature is -273.15°C for a while, will he be alright?

Yeah, he will be 0K.

Where’s the best place to hide a body?

Page 2 of Google Search results.

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law, unfortunately killing her instantly.

At the funeral service, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head "...

During the annual cavemen conference ...

Greg : so I kept rubbing this rock against another rock until it became very thin and now I can cut vegetables,meat using this . I call this "The Knife" .

Chief Gogo : wow , I thought no-one can beat Gorg's invention of using wheat flour and water to create a new food called "bread" but yours...

A woman places an ad looking for a man to be her lover

The ad reads: "Looking for a man with 3 qualities: won’t beat me up, won’t run away from me, and is great in bed."

A few days later her doorbell rings. The man says, "Hi, I’m Dave. I have no arms so I won’t beat you, and no feet so I won’t run away."

"What makes you think you're great ...

He: "So where do we go, my place or yours?"

She: "We do both. I go to mine and you to yours."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[NSFW] I took a girl back to my place last night...

...as I was fucking her on my bed, I pulled out a bottle of lube and said, "Do you mind if I put it up your arse?"
She looked at me and said. "Is it going to hurt?"
.
.
.
.
.
I said, "Probably, it's a big bottle."

What do you call the place where bad noodles live?

The Spaghetto

What do you call noodles who can’t remember anything?

Forgetti


I’d like to apologize for wasting your time with these terrible jokes, just trying to get pasta really boring morning.

I hope my internet points don’t take a hit too, that would cost me a ...

Guy takes a gal to his place for dinner the other day...

...he gives her his peas and she gives him herpes

Can I crash at your place tonight ?

No Hobo tho.

Top ten places to put a toaster in your bathroom.

Number three will shock you!

I told my doctor I broke my leg in 2 places...

He said "don't go back to those places again".

Where is the best place to cheat on someone.

A Ferris wheel

If you drop your phone in water you should place it in a bowl of rice.

Asian people are attracted to the rice and are very good at repairing electronic devices.

NB. Thanks for being good sports Asian people!

A child is ill and the make a wish foundation asks what he would like more than anything. The child thinks about it and says, "I'd like to trade places with Donald Trump!"

They interpret as he wants to know what it's like to be president for a day.

So they ask Trump, he obliges.

Trump meets the child and asks, "So you want to know what it's like to be
president?"

The child, disappointed, retorts "No, I just wanted you to have cancer."

What’s a cop’s favorite place to eat?

Arrestaurant.

What is a gerbils favorite place to go in Europe?

Hamsterdam

What is the difference between an STD and some place that doesn't exist anymore?

One is gonorrhea, the other is a gone area.

Ill show myself out now

So i have accepted that I'm a 1. And this 10 just invited me back to her place.

I told her "thanks but i like having two kidneys"

I was walking through the countryside and I thought to myself, "The world is a wonderful and beautiful place why would anyone ever do drugs?"

...Then I remembered I was on drugs.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A bar owner decides to make his place a piano bar.

He hires a pianist, buys a baby grand, shuts down the bar and has it redecorated. He talks to one of his friends and says,”Man, I hope this place goes over, I’m kind of worried no one will come.” The friend says, “Well, have a grand opening. Advertise and get the word out.” The bar owner takes his a...

Where's the safest place to hide after shooting someone?

Behind your badge.

Have you heard about the place way up North where birds stop flying North and start flying south?

It's where they make Arctic Terns.

6 hours after a major bank robbery took place this morning, the bank have finally released their statement.

Withdrawn: £7 000 000.00

Balance: £0.00

What's the best place to meet women?

I tried this door marked "Ladies" and they just yelled at me.

Me when I show my Itallian friend the place where things are excavated which belongs to me

"It's a mine"

What do you call a place of religious worship for Tesla cars?

An Elon Mosque

What do you call a place where you eat a lot, spend a lot but didn’t like it one bit and wonder why you went there in the first place?

A food festival.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Bill is out for a drive and comes across a place that does psychic readings.

Bill, ever the skeptic, walks in just to tell the psychic that he's a fraud and that he's taking advantage of people. The psychic tells Bill to try his Skeptic's package. "What's that?", Bill asked. "It's a special deal I offer to people who don't believe in psychics." The psychic began to explain. ...

A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:

Man: What's the problem officer?

Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.

Man: No sir, I was going 65.

Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.

(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.

Man: Br...

What's the most awkward place to run into a homeless person?

On your way to the Coinstar... "ehh, no i don't have any spare change, I was just on my way to turn this into real money"

What's the cheapest place to buy shrimp?

A prawn shop.

Asked a girl at the bar if she'd like to come back to my place and she said, "I wouldn't sleep with you if you were the last man on Earth."

So I replied, "If I were the last man on Earth, you wouldn't even be allowed in *line*.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy moves to a new town and is looking for nearby place to get a drink.

He walks into the first bar he sees and orders a beer. The bartender serves him but says that if he wants to come back he has to become a member. The guy takes a drink and looks around the place then asks, "well what do I gotta do to be a member?" The bartender reply's, "Well, did you see that 7 foo...

A company decides to build a strip club across the street from a mini-golf place.

A bunch of people were really upset about this, and you can't really blame them. I mean, who wants to be enjoying a nice family outing only to look across the street and see some losers playing mini-golf?

After a night out partying, my brother shows up with a huge bandage on his nose. His girlfriend said,"His nose was broken in three places."

Turns out it was exactly the same three places I had warned him not to go when he'd been drinking.

Reporter 1: The cult members seem totally brainwashed, and still place their blind faith in a false savior offering hollow promises of salvation!

Reporter 2: And that concludes our report from the White House.

Where do fast food places get those square fish for the filet-o-fish sandwiches?

From the asquarium.

Art thieves pillaged a museum of European 17th and 18th century artwork. They smashed windows, stole paintings, destroyed exhibits, and even did a number on the light fixtures. Everything about the place is a mere ruin of what it was yesterday.

It's all baroque now.

My friend just came back from his holiday to the coldest place in the universe.

He told me it was 0K

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did you hear? They opened a pizza place in the Vatican!

It’s called Cheesus Crust.

They only use Swiss cheese Because it’s so holy.

Their most famous topping is pope-peroni.

They’re really famous for their dough.
It takes three days to rise.

They only serve seeded olives.
Because they’re afraid of the pit.

Their...

There's a special place in hell for people like me

It's called 'The Throne'.

Saint Peter decides to take a day off work, and Jesus takes his place

Saint Peter decides to take a day off work, and Jesus takes his place. St. Peter explains that he should ask any person who comes to the gates a little about themselves before they enter. Then you decide whether or not they should be allowed into heaven.

It's a slow day, but most people are a...

A man was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library...

He asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"

The girl replied, in a loud voice "NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

All the people in the library started staring at the man, who was deeply embarrassed and moved to another table.

After a couple of minutes, the g...

Coco Chanel once said that you should put perfume on places where you want to be kissed by a man.

But hell does that burn!

Where's a Cows Favorite Place to Sit?

The Cowch!

Where's a good place to buy PJ's?

Pajamazon.

I found a place where the recycling rate is 98%

r/Jokes

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What is better than getting second place in the special olympics

Not being retarded

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

According to scientists, if you place your head on a strangers thigh

You will hear "What the fuck are you doing, get out, you pervert"

In a far away place... In a small rural town...

There was a boy named john. John didn’t have many friends growing up as he preferred to keep to himself. Johns family were farmers through and through, his favourite thing to do was to drive their tractor around and around the farm, john always adored tractors, the big back wheels and the small fron...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There is a man at a bar, the place is packed and he seriously needs to take a. Shit.

He goes to the bathroom only to find it out of order. He decides to go upstairs to the employee bathroom, that bathroom to is out of service. He goes up once again and all he finds is a hole in the floor. He said what the hell and squats to do his business. When he’s done he walks back down to the b...

The most dangerous place in the world is Gunpoint.

I'm always hearing about it in the news, robbed or kidnapped at Gunpoint. Crazy.

South Park Originally Took Place in Ireland

Kilkenny to be exact.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Usain Bolt goes to join a golf club. The secretary says "We don't have any spare places at this club. However there's a club 10 minutes down the road that does. " Furious, Bolt replies "do you know who I am? I'm Usain fucking Bolt!"

"Oh, sorry, " replies the Secretary. "In that case, it's 5 minutes down the road! "

I've broken my arm in 3 places.

I've decided to stop going to those places.

I bought my wife a gift for Christmas and hid it in the perfect spot, a place she would never look.

I put it in her lingerie drawer.

Cemeteries are the most popular place in the world!!

People are just DYING to get in them!

There was three people approaching the gates of heaven But there was only one place left

The gate keeper asked the first man what happened to him because the one with the worst death would go inn. The first man said: "Well imagine that I expected my wife was having an affair, so I got home early to surprise her. I found her in the bathroom with a towel round her so I knew she wasn't hav...

What do you call a pachyderm who's in last place?

Doesn't matter - it's rear elephant

I’m always getting run over by the same bike, same day every month, same place, month after month...

It's a seriously vicious cycle.

A girl picked me up from bar, took me to her place , blindfolded me, promised to show me the time of my life , and pegged me with her strap on. My friend says I was assaulted.

I failed to see the problem.

When’s the worst place to have an erection ?

During a relay race

My grade school teacher would often touch me in inappropriate places.

Places like the kitchen and the living room. I hated being homeschooled

A guy pulls a tiny piano from his trench coat and places it on the bar...

A few people stop to watch what he's doing. He then reaches in and pulls out a tiny piano bench. By now a crowd of people has gathered to see what is going on. Finally the man pulls out a man that is about a foot tall. The little man sits down and plays the most amazing piano that anyone has ever he...

Al-Qaeda captured a new place to house their men...

It was a hostel takeover

The holidays being over has me in a really terrible place.

I don't mean mentally, I'm at work and would rather be at home.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I met this strange woman at the bar last night and we went back to her place to have sex. I don't know if any of you know what a "screamer" in the bedroom is, but...

...well, she had never been with one before and it really freaked her out.

A lawyer gets on a bus, sits down, places his bag on the next sit and says:

I rest my case.

Said in my middle school science class. "Halophiles are a type of bacteria that can survive in the saltiest places on earth."

Student Response: Does that mean they can survive inside a Fortnite lobby?

I wanted to high five this student so hard.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There are 2 friends and went to their 3rd mutual friend to pay him a visit at his place. He offered them what they want to drink and all of them start drinking some white wine with some antipasto. After a while the host and his wife realized that the 2 friends drank more than 5 liters of the wine,

and thought if they keep going like that they are going to drink all their wine, so they decided to give them white vinaigrette instead. They gave them a bottle, both friends are trying the 'new wine' and the one says nothing, the other one spit the vinaigrette and says to the other: bro don't you s...

If the United States got the moon for winning the space race, what did the Soviet Union recieve for second place?

A constellation prize.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A college advertising lecture is taking place. The speaker is presenting his anti-drug PSA.

He says:

- I am the author of a simple, yet effective campaign against drug use.

He shows the poster he designed. It shows two circles, one big and the other small. The big one is titled "This Is Your Brain", the small one is titled "This Is Your Brain on Drugs". The speaker says:
<...

If you go over to their place after a great date and see the banner of the former Soviet Union hanging on the wall...

Well then that's a big red flag.

Ever been back to the place where your were born?

Tight fit, ain't it?

After I die, I want my remains spread at my favorite places around the world so my family can experience them too.

But I don't believe in cremation.

To everyone in a dark place at the moment

I hope you wake up in the morning feeling well rested!

Given the current climate, Saudi Arabia is a dangerous place to visit.

I won’t beheading there anytime soon.

I can't find a place to live and it's really starting to get to me

I'm getting an apartment complex

Patient: Doctor, my body hurts in so many places

Doctor: Well, I suggest you stop going to those places

Why is Santa’s workshop the best place for parties?

Because everyone's into Lapp dancing.

I used to feel guilty about getting rid of old shoes until I realised they were going to a better place.

It turns out that shoes have soles.

At the box office this weekend Predator took first place and The Nun took second.

Coincidently, that’s how the Catholic Church ranks it’s priorities.

After a date a man convinces a women to go back to his place...

While they're driving back to his place she says:

- You know, I judge a man by how he unlocks the door of his home. If he does it roughly, I'm afraid of him, if he drops the keys, that means he is insecure. How do you do it?

- First, I lick the lock...

I was loudly advertising my Hawaiian finger-food stand in a public place and everybody started running away - wtf...

"Aloha Snackbar!" "Aloha Snackbar!"

Where is the safest place to be shopping during an earthquake?

A stationary store.

I work at a place that makes very trendy medications.

It's a hype-othecary.

During a zombie apocalypse, where is the safest place to be?

Washington DC. There aren't any brains.

When my daughter said she wanted a place in the sun...

I didn't realise she meant page 3.

Everyone loves a place that spreads Christmas spirit!

That’s why the liquor stores do so well

My stripper friend drops her kid off at my place when she goes to work.

Easiest job I ever had.

It’s like taking a baby from a Candi.

A man goes to a local newspaper office to place an ad for his wife who just passed away

He looks devastated, can barely talk. A clerk welcomes him, offers him a chair, and asks him what does he want to say in the ad:

- "Goodbye, Mary."

The clerk doubts, but then asks:

- "You're not going to put an address for the funeral service?"
- "Just goodbye Mary", repli...

A Dalai Lama walks into a pizza place...

He asks, "Can you make me one with everything?"

This probably isn't the place to post this.

My heart breaks! VERY SAD DAY TODAY. A good friend of mine, after 7 years of medical school and training, has been fired for one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and can no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training, and money. Even worse, is the fact ...

I've seen 'End Road Work' signs all over the place since I was a kid...

I don't think the protest is working.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I’ll never understand how people use their laptop in public places.

Aren’t they worried others will see what porn they are watching?

Why do whole numbers struggle in debates with decimal places?

They have no point to make

There's a far-off place that consists of a perfectly triangular

lake surrounded by land, with three kingdoms on the three sides of the lake. The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people. The second kingdom is more humble, but has its fair share of wealth and power too. The third kingdom is struggling and poor and barely has an a...

Where in Wales is the best place to get all in one Pyjamas?

Swansea

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone get...

Where is the best place for a large animal to learn things?

A hippocampus

Whats a writing utensil's favorite place to go on a vacation?

Pencil-vania!

Since I like helping the environment and recycling/reusing things I searched for a place with like-minded people.

After a few days I finally found where they reuse and recycle almost everything: r/Jokes