I found a place where the recycling rate is 98%

/r/Jokes

What’s the worst place to hide in a hospital?

The ICU

If there is a Serial killer inside your house, What is the safest place to hide?

In the living room.

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Four married guys going diving. The following conversation took place...

First guy, "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out diving this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second guy, "That's nothing; I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."

Third guy, "...

Our daughter wants us to set a place at our Thanksgiving dinner table, for her teddy bear, Theodore. She promises he won't eat very much.

She said he has been eating a lot lately, and is already stuffed

Just went to a BBQ place..

Me: I'll have 6 ribs please

Waiter: We only serve those in quantities of 3, 5, 7, or 13.



Turns out it was prime rib.

The White House has suddenly turned into such a polite place.

Everyone is going around saying, "Pardon me."

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law, unfortunately killing her instantly.

At the funeral service, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head "...

What is an epileptic's favorite pizza place?

Little Seizures

what do you call a movie that takes place in a school?

a school shooting


(if this has been made before i apologise anyways have a good day)

Today I gave a homeless man everything I had, my identity, wallet, car, house, even my wedding ring. We basically switched places.

You can't imagine how good it felt to be free of debt for the first time.

I could’ve been in the NBA but God put ten inches in the wrong place.

My feet are way too big

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scot are working on the building site for the 2012 Olympic Games. They’ve been told that, as a perk, they’ll be given tickets, but come the day, they’re told that there are no free places left, and only athletes will be let into the ground.

Thinking quickly, the Englishman casts about amongst the debris of the build (what workman has ever ‘made good’, cleaning up after himself?)
Grabbing a length of scaffolding, he announces ‘Johnny Smith, England, pole vault,’ He is admitted.
The Scot follows his lead, scrabbles about and finds ...

Did you know that choking on a single cube of water is illegal in some places?

It’s referred to as an obstruction of just ice.

I entered my Chihuahua in an 'ugliest dog' contest and I won first place!

My dog came in third.

My teacher asked me what I found to be the most remarkable place..

I said: the whiteboard

A man went to the doctor and said “doctor, I broke my arm in 12 places”

The doctor replied “stop going to those places then”

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My friend does a circle jerk with his friends every year. He hosted their first one 5 years ago, and the one this year is returning back to his place.

He’s really cum full circle

Jack, a renown atheist, dies and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself. Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith". Satan laughs and replies: Awh it's not so bad.

He then proceeds to escort Jack through a beautiful lush green plain with flowers, scattered here and there there's a bunch of houses where other "damned" live. As they pass through each house the inhabitants recognize Satan and invite them inside for a drink and a chat, a request that's always gran...

What is Piper Perri's favorite place to eat?

5 guys

What's a writing utensil's favorite place to go on vacation?

**Pencil-vania!**

I once stayed over at a hotel. The place is nice, but the room I stayed in is just terrible.

.....You could say that room was not their strongest suite.

Heaven is a place where the police are English, the cooks are French, the mechanics are German, the lovers are Italian, and everything is organized by the Swiss...

Hell, on the other hand, is where the police are German, the cooks are English, the mechanics are French, the lovers are Swiss, and everything is organized by the Americans.

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A man walks into a bar, and orders a beer. He drinks the beer, then stands on the bar, drops his pants and pisses all over the place. The bar tender freaks out. "You dirty disgusting pig! How dare you come into my bar and urinate! I'll beat the shit out of you..."

The man begins crying. "I'm sorry! Its ruining my life. I can't sleep. I do it every time I have a drink! It's worrying me to death, please don't hit me..." The bar tender takes pity. "Look, I have a brother who is a psychiatrist, here's his card, why don't you see him?" The man hugs the bartender, ...

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[NSFW] A nun and a priest are crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.

On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke.

"Well sister, this looks pretty grim."

"I know, father." "In fact, I don't think it l...

A man placed an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: ‘Wife wanted.’

Next day, he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: ‘You can have mine.’

The biggest loser isn’t the one that gets first place in the ‘biggest loser’ competition...

They come second...

Idk but y’all by law have to be nice to me cause it’s my cake day.

A woman placed an ad in a news paper. 'I am looking for a male partner who needs to meet these three requirements.

1. He shouldn't beat me.
2. He shouldn't leave me.

Third and most important.

3. He should be great in bed.


One week later, her door bell rang, and she opened the door to find a man.

The man said, "Hi, I'm Peter. I don't have hands, so I can't beat you. I don't hav...

What’s the worst place to cook popcorn?

A retired veterans house.

I like decimal place jokes.

Jokes about whole numbers just have no point.

A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.

A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.

He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.

"Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the sale...

A person in a lab coat places a glass half-filled with a yellow liquid in front of 4 people.

Immediately, the first person pipes up, "Ah, I see the glass is half full!" This person is an optimist.

The second person states, "Naw man, why would he bring us a half-full glass? He obviously drank some. It's now half empty." This person is a pessimist.

The third person scoffs, "Why ...

Do you know what the cops do to people that sleep in public places?

They put them under **arrest**!

At the right place at the right time!

An aching back sent me stumbling to the drugstore for relief. After a search I found what I was looking for: a selection of heating pads specifically for people with back pain—all on the bottom shelf.

Did you know , Vatican gives a special place of work to pope's dentist

It's called The Listerine Chapel

Where is the best place to hide a dead body?

Page 2 of Google search results

A Sensitive Guy (NSFW-ish)

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.


They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the ...

In some places in America, you can still eat indoors in restaurants...

You have to wear a mask when you walk in. Once you are seated you can take off your mask.

Isn't that a bit like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Where is the place where eyewitnesses of war get deported?

Warsaw.

To stop school shootings, we need to place three armed veterans in each school.

School shooters will see people with three arms and freak out.

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A man and his wife go to their honeymoon place for their 25th anniversary.

As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband: "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied: "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wif...

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I used to work at a place that only hired people called Richard.

The owner was a real Dick.

Hey, do you want to come back to my place and regulate our body temperatures using external sources?

No hom(e)o(stasis)

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A first grader kid, John, always asked his teacher, Kate, to place him in a higher grade's class.

"You put me in the wrong class, madam" he says, "I am at least as smart as my older sister bu she is in the third grade, I am not!"

He complained so much that Kate decides to take him to the principal and she tells the story. "Hmm" principal says, "Let's check if it's true or not. If he deser...

My parents always told me to put borrowed things back to its place.

So whenever I eat at a restaurant, I always put my used toothpick to where I got it.

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The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

A lady stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband Tom had a terrible bicycle wreck, and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the ...

There’s one place that I just can’t stand.

My local ice rink.

What’s the only place a man would drop his kids off at, but never pick them up from...

....a sperm bank.

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Me and the missus were touring southern France looking for interesting places to have sex, and we found the perfect city for a 69

Nice.

There’s a contest going around and if you win 1st place you get a whole solar system named after you

Second place is just a constellation prize

Covid-19 has damaged the Italian economy so much that they have placed a lien on the Tower of Pizza.

Sounds better verbally

Brought my GF back to my place after a hot date...

The only problem is, my place was actually my parents place and I had to share a bunk bed with my little brother Timmy. My GF and I decided to make up code words as to not alert Timmy to what we were doing. Lettuce meant harder, tomato meant faster, and pickle meant I was ready to finish.

I h...

A nun, badly in need of a restroom, walked into a local hooters. The place was hopping with music and load conversations and every once in a while, the lights would go out.

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt in cheers.

The nun walked up to the bartender and asked, “may I please use the restroom?”

The bartender replied, “OK, but I must warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.”

“Well, in ...

So I was in the pub and mate who's a thief came up to me and said " I just robbed this place and got two pictures one is worth 1.5 million and the other is worth 2.5 million , come to my van and have look"

So we got to the van and he showed me the pictures I said "You just robbed a real estate agent"....

Where is the best place to get laid during Covid?

Super spreader events.

Whenever I find something I misplaced, I always check one more place.

That way, things are never in the last place I look.

I suggested a unique slogan to my favorite steak place...

We have a place for all God's creatures...right next to the mashed potatoes.

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A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' sh...

A murder took place. Everyone witnessed the crime being committed.

They know it was E who brutally killed the man in question. They saw it. Against all previous odds of his record coming clear, people testified.

A jury was formed to try E on these alleged crimes. Due to the extreme gore of the crime scene and its explicit details, it was a closed court heari...

Trump ends up in hell...

Trump dies from the virus. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as...

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What do you call a place where highly-trained-gay killers stay for night?

Ass-ass-inn

Where’s the best place to have a dream?

In a Martin Luther King-sized bed.

How many narcissists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one.All he has to do is hold it in place while the world revolves aroudn him.

Why do plastic surgeons finish every race in last place?

They always bring up the rear.

My ex just called and asked if she can sleep at my place because a stalker has been coming to her house at night.

So nice of her to save me the gas money.

I’m pretty sure wish Is the only place where you can order something that’s worth more than you paid.

For example, I bought a bottle of wine off wish for £20 (it was made that very same year). By the time it arrived it was now 30 years old and was worth £2000.

Wish delivery times amirite?

What is Fozzie Bear’s favorite place to visit in Indiana (USA)?

Misha-waka waka

A university student placed an inter-library loan request for Your Mom

The file was too large to be delivered.

Where is the hottest place to be right now?

The cemetery, people are dying to get in.

What’s the worst place to complement someone’s haircut?

A leukemia treatment center.

Two Canadians Die and End Up In Hell

Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hel...

M: in the orchestra, there is a place for everyone.

F: What if they are completely tone deaf.

M: Easy, give them 2 sticks and put them in back with the kettles.

F: But what if they have no sense of rhythm?

M: Even easier, take away one stick and make them stand in the front.

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An 18 year old girl tells her mom that she has missed her last 2 periods

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy test. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Crying, cursing and Shouting the mother says, "Who was the bastard that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later...

Is this the right place for politically incorrect jokes?

I have this great one about President Benjamin Franklin.

An engineer dies and is sent to hell

He’s hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un-jams it. People can get from plce to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the ...

What do you call a place you go to buy evacuation equipment?

A flee market

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All those people claiming Donald Trump is like Hitler need a reality check.

After all, its not like Donald Trump could write a book.

Edit: alot of people moaning in the comments "this is a stupid joke, Trump did actually write some books so this makes no sense!?".

Look at the sub you are in, some of these posts you'll see will just be jokes. If you are the sn...

How many boomers does it take to change a light bulb?

None, they'll all resist change even if it makes the world a brighter place.

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A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

"We're taking United” was the reply. "We got a great rate!”

“United?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight...

A farmer placed a grandfather clock out in his field...

A farmer placed a grandfather clock out in his field. Every time a bird was swooping in to get some crops - the bird would catch eye of the clock instead. As the bird landed on the clock, it would die! It was a mystery - but the farmer didn't care as it worked better than a scarecrow. Pretty soon wo...

Yesterday I ate lunch at a sub place called James Jonathan’s

It was a little fancier than Jimmy John’s

A man takes his place in the theatre, but his seat is too far from the stage.

He whispers to the usher "This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat and I'll give you a handsome tip". The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter. The usher looks at the quarter in his hand, leans over and whispers "The wife d...

My Native American girlfriend was nervous the first time she invited me back to her place

She had her reservations

Where is the best place to go pee?

IP Address

Imagine yourself as a place where horses stay.

Now you’re mentally a stable.

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An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.

He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
...

If school is not a place to sleep

...then home is not a place to study.

Why do pizza places always deliver the pizza before giving it to you

They should just avoid putting the liver in the first place

This one is a bit of a long one so just bear with me. It is a joke commonly said among post soviet people

Stalin sits at his usual table, in the glorius kremlin studying the map of eastern germany. His pencil sitting proudly beside him. Comrade Stalin looks away for a split second, and the pencil is gone! Stalin takes out a second pencil and places it on the table. Looks the other way again and the seco...

Judge: "You have been found guilty of writing clickbait. You will be taken from here to a place of execution"

What happens next will shock you!

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It seems like nothing is made in America anymore! They keep outsourcing to cheaper and cheaper places.

I just bought a new TV and it said "built in antenna."

I haven't even heard of that shithole country!

Why do Americans always come last place at the Shooting Olympics?

because they practice at the worst schools

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A Cop Pulls a Little Old Lady Over for Speeding

Cop pulls over a little old lady and asks for her licence and registration. When she pulls out her wallet, he sees a handgun in her purse.

"Ma'am, is that a gun in your purse?"

"Yes, Officer, it's a .38 Smith & Wesson revolver."

"Please place that purse on the passenge...

Cyclops is searching for vacation places.

Cyclops: how do you spell Hawaii?

Wife: well, you need 2 i's

Cyclops: my life is just a joke to you isn't it Linda?

I think people who drive farming machines have a place.

You could say I'm protractor.

A man meets a woman at a bar and they go to her place. They're undressing and he drops his trousers.

She points to his messed up knees and asks what happened. He says, "when I was young I contracted kneesles."
She says, "you mean measles."
He says, "no, I actually got kneesles."
She shrugs and continues undressing.
When he removes his socks she looks at his sorry toes and asks about the...

Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbour.

They decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally. One of them suggested the nearby cemetery.

As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, two oranges fell out of the big bag but they didn't bother to pick them since they had enough in the bag.

A few minutes lat...

What precaution should you take after you break your leg in two places?

Avoid those two places.

Why would the world have been a better place if Adam and Eve had been Chinese?

Because they would have eaten the snake instead of the apple.

For all my life my dad kept messing with the ledge above the fire place, lengthening it, shortening it, sanding it, painting it. But he died last week. After I got home from the funeral I compulsively got my tools out and raised it six inches higher ...

... I guess you could say I’ve taken up his mantel.

First Rancher: What's the name of your place?

Second Rancher: The XWK Lazy R Double Diamond Circle Q Bar S

First Rancher: How many cattle do you have?

Second Rancher: Only a few. Not many survive the branding

Where is the best place to 69 in France?

Nice.

Why did Princess Leia date so many guys before she found Han?

She was looking for love in Alderaan places.

There are 5 places in my house that haven't been cleaned out in years.

I'd better go to the pharmacy and get some laxatives.

A Chemist, an Engineer, an Electrician and an IT guy get stranded on the side of the road after their car break down...

It’s the dead of winter and the wind chill is below freezing. One of them gets off the phone with the towing company, “they said it’s going to be at least two hours.” They all stay in the car.


After a few minutes the Chemist tells the other three, “I’m pretty sure I know what happened......

A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant

He goes to the bartender and asks "how much for a beer?" The bartender replies "$1". The customer completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender "Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?" The Bartender reply's "$5"....

Three guys are drinking at a bar.

After several drinks, the first one gets up to leave. "Where do you think you're going?" ask the others. He says, "Guys I'd love to stay but I have to cut myself off. The last time we got together, I was so drunk. When I got home, I blew chunks right on the living room floor in front of my wife and ...

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Two aliens landed in the desert near a petrol station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the pumps assuming it was an earthling and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, we come in peace. Take us to your leader.'

The pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien was stumped. The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.' But the younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Shocked and insulted by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attit...

Once, I agreed to help Death move his couch to his new place.

After we got there, I realized I forgot those things you’re supposed to sit on.

There were reaper cushions.

A Jewish man is walking down the sidewalk. As he goes to cross the street he is hit by a car and hurled through the air causing him to hit his head. A beautiful woman sees this and takes off her coat as she runs over to the man. She lifts his head and places the jacket under his head.

She tells the man not to move and that she is going to call for an ambulance.

But before she gets up to get her phone out and call she asks the man, “Are you comfortable?”

To which the man replies, “Eh, I make a living.”

My boss stared at me coldly and grumbled, “You’re fired!" Dejected, I slowly placed my gun and badge on the table. Apparently, he wasn't finished because then he shouted...

“You’re a waiter, brah! Where did you get those!?"

A man and his dog were walking along a road

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.

He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them..

After a while, they came to...

My parents said that if I got a tattoo I'd have to get it in a place that didn't matter...

So I got it in Appleton, Wisconsin.

Cheaper Pub in the World

Guy walks into a pub and asks the bar man for a pint;

‟That will be $0.05 please sir”.

‟Wow, in that case I will have a shot of whisky too”

‟Certainly, that will be $0.03 sir”.

‟Damnnn, OK and a packet of crisps”.

‟0.01 please sir, $0.08 all together”.
...

My cat always sits in his box. I told him to be more creative and find himself another place.

He just can't think out of the box.

I was driving by a Thai massage place with my friend...

He glanced over at the place and laughed, I asked him what was so funny and he told me

“Hah, they spelt “Thigh” wrong”

Why is Grand Moff Tarkin single?

He keeps looking for love in Alderann places.

10 ants were looking for a new place to live...

The 1 ant, 2 ant, and 3 ant bought houses in the country.

The 4 ant, 5 ant, and 6 ant bought houses in the city.

The 7 ant, 8 ant, and 9 ant bought houses at the beach.

The 10 ant decided to rent.

Why do Chinese people love playing Among Us?

It's the only place they can vote

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A businessman is getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knows his wife is always horny, so he decides to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn’t much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He ...

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.


One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare....

One day a man decided to retire. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank...

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How d...

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A building supplies company placed an ad for an experienced warehouse person for their warehouse operation...

Bright (not that he could see it) and early the next morning in walks a guy wearing dark glasses and using a white cane.

"I've come about the timber sorting position", he tells the lady at reception.

A bit taken aback, she goes to get her husband, the boss.

He takes one look at...

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Why did Trump hold his press conference at the 4-seasons garden centre, between a sex shop and a crematorium?

Because he was between a cock and a charred place.

Four frogs are playing poker behind a bar in New Orleans. One frog said: "You know I used to be a pet to a prince that came here one time." The other frogs roll their eyes, "You know what happend next? I was suddenly down their toilet and in the gutter" the frogs ignore and place their final bets.

Without skipping a beat the frog says: "I guess you can say, it was a..." throws cards down "a royal flush".

Why are the docks a bad place to grow up

Too much pier pressure

A cowboy walks into a bar and brings his pet alligator with him.

He places the alligator on the bar and turns to the astonished patrons.

“You are about to see something amazing,” the cowboy announced. “This alligator is specially trained. I’m going to take out my junk and he will bite down on it and still leave it completely unscathed. In return for this s...

A dying man wants to prevent his family from inheriting his wealth. So he entrusts the money to his three closest friends: a doctor, a priest, and a lawyer.

He gives each friend an envelope with $1,000,000 in cash, and makes them all swear to bury the money with him when he dies. They all shake hands and solemnly agree.

A few months later the man dies, and the three friends place their envelopes in the casket.

Later, privately, the doctor...

Where is the best place to buy meat in India?

At the Delhi

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Two explorers are walking down a path in a jungle. One signals the other to stop and come over with his hand. "Don't make a noise." he whispers, and points to a place between two trees...

... they slowly come close to find a steaming pile of shit. "What does this mean?" he asks taking off his hat and fanning the smell away.


"Well Bill, if you find a piece of stinky shit sure enough there is an asshole nearby!"

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A sweet old lady telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital

She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?" The operator said, "I can, what's the name and room number?"

The old laday in her weak voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check wi...

A blonde walks into a bar that has a sign marked: "For Men Only". "I'm sorry, ma'am," says the bartender. "We only serve men in this place."

"That's OK, " says the blonde. "I'll take two of them..."

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The prostitutes operation...

An old prostitute tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses car...

Am I adopted?

Fred came home from University in tears.

"Mum, am I adopted?"

"No of course not", replied his mother. Why would you think such a thing?

Fred showed her his genealogy DNA test results. No match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a family who lived the other side o...

The Kentucky State Fair will take place this year, but will be closed to the public

Doesn’t seem fair to me

Three old maids die and arrive in heaven...

Three old maids die and arrive in heaven at the same time. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!" So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they...

An Atheist in Hell

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No...

The other night, I asked a woman If she wanted to come back to my place for a cuddle.

She said, "There will be no spooning. There will definitely be no forking. But if you talk to me again, there will be a knifing."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A librarian was organizing her books when a man in a dark suit walked up.

"Hey, I'm Steven. I'll pay you $20000 if you show me your nipples tomorrow."

The librarian was shocked. $20000 was a solid 6 months of work. Dumbfounded, she nodded her head. Steven then left without a word of acknowledgement.

That night, the librarian had a lot trouble falling asleep...

The place of the punchline.

What is the difference between a good joke and a bad joke?

Oldy repurposed

Trump was feeling the pressure of the office and stood before the protraits of our greatest leaders.
Looking at Washington, the Donald said:
"George, you were the first. Can you give me some advise?"
A ghostly voice replied
"Tell the truth"
Trump knew that wouldn't work, so next went ...

CoVid-19 is making the world a prettier place.

I mean, the ugly people are still there, but the mask does a great job of hiding it.

A dying wish

A man spoke to each of his three sons when he sent them to college. "I feel it's my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that. However, I want you to appreciate it. As a gesture of appreciation, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I ...

Over time, I think about all the places I’ve visited and people I’ve lost along the way. It really does make me think

Maybe I shouldn’t have become a tour guide

All dad wants for Father’s Day is a full day of what made him a dad in the first place

Getting laid.

A man goes to a doctor

A man goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"

The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."

"I've never seen or heard anything like t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How to give your cat a pill

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
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