Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, recently received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.

On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.

"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.

Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.

There's...

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We should send sex offenders to storm Area 51

Alien Vs Predator

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An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter . . .

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope you're are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. B...

A Jewish Man Sends His Son Away

He sends him on a pilgrimage to Israel. Three months pass and the man is confused when his son is not wearing a Yamakah. The son informs the man that he has converted to Christianity.

Dumbfounded, the man goes to his friend (also Jewish) and tells him of his son. His friend replies, "How inte...

A programer’s wife sends him to the market and says, “Take some sausages... And if there are any eggs, take 10”

Half an hour later the programer comes back home with 10 sausages. His wife asks him, “Why are you bringing 10 sausages?”
“They had eggs.”

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A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while. Eventually he returns home and he is now a Christian. The man finds this to be odd and mentions it to his friend.

The friend listens, thinks for a moment and says, "That's odd. I sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian." So the two of them went to see the Rabbi.

They told the Rabbi the story of how they had both sent their sons to Israel as Jews, and how both sons had returned as Ch...

Where do you send a Jewish kid with ADHD

A concentration camp. (My bosses joke, please don't kill me)

Mary Magdalene sends nudes to Jesus

Jesus: Sends picture of bread
Mary: WTF
Jesus: This is my body

Do you know why Germany will send their most unwanted prisoners to Greece?

Because whenever they send something to Greece, they'll never get it back.

A man had an adult daughter who he loved dearly but rarely met. He decided to send her a letter, and in it was hundreds of pieces of advice to help her succeed in life.

The advice ranged from career to cooking to basic mechanics; it was like a manual for life, and it took him a good while to rewrite, condense, and perfect.

When he went to the post office to send the letter, he met the mail deliverer Kurt. Kurt said he would deliver the letter.

The man...

I hired a private investigator to locate a high-paid athlete and send me a write up.

He found them. The report was profound.

Why should you not send a letter to Washington?

Because he's dead.

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Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Bob." Bob was stunned, "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!"

St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken."

Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.

The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A ro...

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he's allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words.

He clears his throat and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That's not surprising," the elders say. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."

I met a very unnatractive girl recently and she likes to send pics

It goes without saying that I'm going to have to be the bearer of bad nudes.

When my wife sends me to the supermarket to get cucumbers

I also buy Vaseline so the cashier doesnt think that im a vegan

The son of a wealthy oil sheik sends an email to his father in Dubai

Subject: arrived.

Hi dad, Oxford is fantastic, everyone is very friendly and it is very nice here, but ... I don't feel so easy when I come to my university in my pure golden Ferrari, while my fellow students and even my professors come by train. Greetz, Nasser. The next day, Nasser recei...

Judge: I hereby send you to prison for 20 years.

Me: Your Honour couldn't you consider shortening the sentence.
Judge: I send you to prison for 20 years.

Where do Russians send their ghosts?

To the Ghooouuulllll-lag

The Empire demanded the Kingdom send a baron as hostage or risk invasion. The King, scared for his life, decided to send the Empire someone with a higher rank.

The Empire got a viscount.

A mail man is delivering a package when he realises that the send to address is the same as the send back to address

This package keeps getting sent around in a circle for weeks before he finally sees a man come and get it.

“I’m sorry for snooping , but I have to ask, why do you keep sending this one package to yourself everyday. It’s just weird,”

The odd old man replies” well my fellow man, reposts ...

Why did God send his only begotten son down to earth?

He didn’t want to pay for child support.

Boss sends a text to worker: You are good with jokes write me one

Worker: I can't, i'm working.
Boss: Good one, one more.

Please send help. I barely hacked onto the internet from China. My country is censoring and controlling us.

Edit: Just kidding. China is a wonderful place. They treat us well and care very much about our human rights. Thank you.

A new business is opening and one of the owner’s friends wants to send him flowers for the occasion.

They arrive at the new business site and the owner reads the card: “Rest in Peace.” Understandably the owner is angry and calls the florist to complain.

After he tells the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he is, the florist replies, “Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rath...

God explain to stalin he can only send him to hell but he lets him to choose which hell

God : You prefer to burn in a capitalist hell or a communist hell ?

Stalin : i chose the communist one because there will surely be a shortage of coal

Jeff Bezos: "Alexa, send nudes to my secret admirer."

Alexa: "Got it. Sending nudes to the National Enquirer."

Why don't we send women to space?

Her:Houston we have a problem!

Houston:What is the problem?

Her:Oh you know whats the problem

Attention America! We Brits have your president! If you do not send us £50M by Sunday morning....

We’ll return him back to you.

Send the Bill to my brother in law

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store clerk called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor. The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nun...

My secretary called this morning and said she cant work anymore because she lost her eye. After assuring her that was understandable, I asked her to send me her resignation in writing for HR purposes.

"Dear Smon,

The past year has been terrfc, but t s my sncere regret to nform you today wll be my last day wth the organsaton ... "

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I am doing a bra giveaway.

Send me pics of your boobs and I'll see if I have something that fits you.

Where do they send the ironic Russian emperors?

The Tsar Chasm

Fun fact: members of the equine family can send messages to each other by stamping the ground in distinct patterns.

It's their Horse Code.

My girlfriend has been ignoring my attempts to communicate with her. I think she has been ghosting me for several weeks now all because I asked her to send nudes.

So I said screw it, I’m done trying to communicate and threw out my Ouija board.

Three blondes are walking around. They suddenly stumble apron some tracks. The first blonde says "those are deer tracks" the send blonde says "those are wolf tracks!" The third blonde says" no, those are bear tracks!"

And then the train hit them

A little girl says to her mommy, instead of buying me clothes for my birthday can you send them to all of the little girls that haven't got any, you know the ones.

The ones on daddy's computer.

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When I was a kid, my mother used to send me down to the general store with a dollar. I’d come back with two loaves of bread, a pound of butter, a carton of eggs, and a gallon of milk

You can’t do that any more, there are too many security cameras

Australia sends a rep to Germany...

..to inspect their latest renewable energy projects. They spend days touring wind and solar farms and talking through all the latest innovations.

At the end of the trip they ask the rep what he thinks of the facilities and the push for renewables. The rep sighs with envy and says, "Ahh, look ...

*CORPORATE JOKE*

Agency: " Sir, we found 3 candidates as per your requirements. How do you want their placements, sir?"

MD: "Put about 100 bricks in a closed room. Then send the candidates into the room and close the door, leave them alone and come back after a few hours and analyse the situation:

...

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Why doesn't NASA sends probes to the seventh planet?

What will it announce:"WE'RE LAUNCHING FOR URANUS!!!"

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This happened in the old South

A rich white woman calls the captain of a ship that docked in her port town and tells him: "Captain, I am having a high end party tonight. I have six young daughters. I'd like you to send six handsome and fit sailors to my home to dance with and entertain my daughters. I will compensate you well. Ju...

I offer my kids $500 for every A on their report card.It sends the message that education is a priority in our household.

And it costs me absolutely nothing since my kids aren't that bright.

A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan.

While he was there he received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend.

In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him.



To add injury to the insult, she said she wanted back the picture of herself that sh...

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Bill gates dies

He dies and meets God. God tells him, “Now, Bill, you lived an extraordinary life. The products you made helped many people. However, there were also some debacles like Windows 95. I’m unsure whether to send you to Heaven and Hell. This is why, I’ve decided that for the first time in eternity, I am ...

A man and his wife are traveling to Jerusalem for vacation. After getting there, his wife suffers a heart attack and dies. Officials in Jerusalem say it will cost $30,000 to send her back to the US to be buried, or only $500 if they bury her there. The man thinks about it and returns the next day...

He says to the officials, “Okay, although expensive, I’ll pay the $30,000 to bring her home. I heard that you buried a man here once and he rose from the dead 3 days later and I just can’t take any chances.”

What do I do with this large file I want to send to you?

Zip it!

No, really... Zip it!

I was once in a group project with a girl who did nothing but send feet pics

That was her sole contribution

You should send picture of your ex to NASA.

Apparently they are desperate to get a photograph of A hole that sucks all your time, light and energy.

A Jewish businessman decided to send his son to Israel...

A Jewish businessman decided to send his son to Israel to absorb some of the culture of the homeland. When the son returned, the father asked him to tell him about his trip. The son said, "Pop, I had a great time in Israel. Oh, and by the way, I converted to Christianity." "Oh, my," said the fathe...

Why did the U.S send Cam Newton to North Korea?

So he could overthrow Kim Jong-Un

The wife threw her back out. I hate doing this, but I’d appreciate any prayers you could send our way

Because there are Clothes in the Dryer.

When I was a boy, mum would send me down to the store with $5

I'd come back with a sack of potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 liters of milk, 2 kilos of flour plain and self-raising AND have a pocket full of candy. You can't do that anymore. These days there are too many security cameras.

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A man left for a vacation to Jamaica. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail message.

Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving wi...

Classic Giggle (I will forever double check before I send an email)

**After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis. They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together.**

**Unfo...

A drunk man borrows and loses his partner's prosthetic leg in a game of roulette in Las Vegas while she's asleep in their room. When she wakes up in the morning she is furious and sends him down to the tables to win it back...

..the man, now sober, is absolutely determined to make up for his sordid late night misdeed, and immediately challenges the casino to win back the prosthetic leg.

For the whole next day he is at the table, losing pile after pile of chips, thousands and thousands of dollars at a time.

...

A woman was told to send a facsimile copy of their child’s medical records to a specialist when their child fell very ill.

She didn’t deliver, the child died, turns out she was anti-fax.

Send Nudists.

Who’s the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
The guy that can carry a dozen donuts and two cups of coffee at the same time.

Who’s the most popular girl?
The one that can eat the last donut.

Can a sightless Redditor send me some mildewy rags?

Edit: Thanks for the mold blind stranger!

We, the taxpayers, keep paying to send Trump on very expensive trips overseas.

It might be worth it too, except he keeps coming back.

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Wife sends her programmer husband grocery shopping

She tells him:

“I need butter, sugar and cooking oil.
Also, get a loaf of bread and if they have eggs, get 6.”

The husband returns with the butter, sugar and cooking oil, as well as 6 loaves of bread.

The wife asks:
“Why the hell did you get 6 loaves of bread?”

To ...

Canada's starting a space program to send a spaceship to the moon

They're calling the spaceship Apollo-G.

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A man sends his son out with a duck and tells him to make some money

So the son naturally heads for the county fair to see if anyone wants to buy it. Along the way, he sees this ugly prostitute.

The prostitute walks up to him and says, "Hey that's a nice duck you got there. Tell ya what. If you give me that duck, I'll fuck you."

So they go into the wo...

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Dave wanted to send a letter to his girlfriend..

So he goes to the nearby market to buy an envelope. Just as he is about to enter the store, a man rushes out the market, furious,yelling and swearing. Dave didn't want to get in the mans way and just lets him pass. He enters the store and finds the cashier, a young lady, crying.

"Is everythi...

I feel that if we send people to Mars, we should dismantle the old rovers for their technology.

Otherwise we’ll miss a hell of an Opportunity.

How did vikings send secret messages

By using Norse code

If you send your nudes in a compressed file...

...they have to unzip to see you naked.

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If Mexico sends their rapists to the United States, where does the United States send theirs?

To the Supreme Court.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Piers Morgan says women send him their knickers in the post.

Presumably with the message ‘From one twat to another.

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What did Trump send to the pornstar?

Fake nudes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mother sends her little son out to get some edible silver balls for the top of a birthday cake...

The son misunderstands, and comes back with a bag of very small steel ball bearings. Being so tiny, nobody notices them as they're swallowed from the top of the cake. That is, until next morning...

The elder daughter comes downstairs and says "Mum, I was so uncomfortable this morning. I had...

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Why do guys ALWAYS send dick pics?

Because they think the camera adds ten pounds.

What does a telegraph operator feel when he has to send the same message again?

Remorse.

A wife sends her husband to the grocery store

The wife says: Go get a gallon of milk, and if they have bananas, get six.


So, the husband leaves, and when he gets back he has six gallons of milk.

The wife yells: What the hell?! Why did you buy six gallons of milk?!



The husband replied: They had bananas!

How do you send a girl with daddy issues over the edge?

Hi coming, I'm dad.

Heard something on NPR that made me come up with this joke....What do you call it when the President can send you to war but you can't vote for the President?

Puerto Rico.

They should send Hillary Clinton to the U.S. Mexico border

Since no one can get over her...

It's the year 2070. Instead of putting funny one-liners in Christmas crackers, they put them in timecapsules embedded in space-rocks and send them to other planets.

The real joke is in the comets

Friend of mine sends me a link to a reposted joke on r/Jokes

I say : "No thanks, I've already Reddit."

Why would America send the second and third power of 2 to poor and struggling countries?

They need foreign aid

You probably shouldn't send alcoholics to jail...

They've spent enough time around bars.

Where do Welsh sheep farmers take their fleece to send overseas?

OooOooo woolwarves of London

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You ladies who only use tampons should really give pads a try. I'll even send you a sample for free.

No strings attached

Never send someone you don’t talk to much a gif of the titanic

It’s a horrible icebreaker

God calls Satan.

"Hey, I think we misplaced an engineer and he ended up in Hell."

"Yeah, Carl. Been doing a wonderful job. We finally got an AC system up and running and the heaters are fixed. He even designed an auto-poker for the pitchfork teams."

"Send him back here, he belongs in Heaven."

"Y...

North Korea will send man to Sun in 10 years

Kim Jong-un announced in a news conference that North Korea would be sending a man to the sun within ten years!

A reporter said - "But the sun is very hot. How can your man land on the sun?"

There was a stunned silence. Nobody knew how to react.

Then Kim Jong-un quietly answer...

Your wife is our hostage. You have 12 hours to send us one million dollars or we'll kill her!

Upon reading this text message, the husband responds...

My wife is actually sleeping right next to me, safe and sound but please tell me more about this deal, I may be interested.

Where do German parents send their children with ADD for the Summer?

Concentration Camp

What if we strap tiny C4 to rats and send them over to Europe...

it would start an all new Boombonic plague.

What do you call it when the Pope sends letters to his forbidden past lovers?

Ex-communication

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I sent a message to my crush asking if I could send her my dick

She said no and now I have no idea what to do with all these stamps I just bought.

DPRK sends astronaut to the sun

Kim Jong Un is sitting in his office. He proudly tells his advisors:

“ North Korea will be the first country to send people to the sun!”

His advisors break out in applause. Meanwhile Donald Trump is watching this live on TV. He calls Kim Jong Un and asks him:

“How are you going ...

What size envelope do you need to send a letter bomb?

C4

A farmer sends his dog out to count his sheep.

When the dog returns, it says, "Woof! You've got fifty sheep out there!"

"Fifty?" said the farmer. "I thought there were only forty-eight."

"Yes, that's right," said the dog. "First I counted them, and then I rounded them up!"

It's true that the Russians where the first to send a dog into space

It's also true that the Russians were first to put a monkey into the white house

God sends his angel to find out what students do.

Angel returns: "Three months before exams. British students study, American students have parties, Russian students also have parties".

Next time angel reports: "One month before exams. British and American students study, Russian students have parties".

Next report: "One night befor...

I read a joke about an alternate ending to Peter Pan where Captain Hook wins the duel and sends Peter Pan back to London in a body bag.

Not very funny and quite dark, but it requires a dead Pan delivery

India sends a cat to Mars

In a few years India will send a cat to Mars to check out if it is possible to survive in that environment.

After some adaptation the cat starts roaming around on Mars.

All is well until one fine day suddenly the cat is mashed under a vehicle of sorts.

Everyone is wondering w...

D was hospitalised and the alphabet wanted to send two letters on behalf of all the letters to visit D.

It was finally decided that ABCD

Dave, Einstein, and the bus driver get together to write OC for this sub and they send me the material to proof. My response is always the same though.

Already Reddit.

Where does the military send its under-qualified recruits?

Fort Nite

Every 4th of July, America sends Britain a locket with a little tiny picture of the United States in it. They want to remind the crown that America is still...

(•_•)

( •_•)>⌐■-■

(⌐■_■)

In *da* pendent

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Where does the architecture school's principal send bad students?

To the suspension bridge.


This joke can't even hold itself up...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Pentagon found that it employed too many generals and decided to send some with early retirement.

They promised every general retired a full annual income and all associated benefits plus $ 10,000 for each inch measured in a straight line between two self-chosen points on his own body.

The first who accepted the retirement plan asked to measure the distance between the tips of his toes an...

When is was a kid, mum used to send me the shops wtih 50p. i could come home with a chicken, 2 pints of milk, 6 eggs, 2 packs of bacon and a comic book...

You can't do this nowadays though because of CCTV.

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