I like sending SMS messages to my friends in both English & Spanish.

I guess that makes me bi-textual.

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A woman visits a flower shop to get some flowers for her mother.

As she's perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she's ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and inquires about its origin.

"Oh, sorry," the cashier replies. "That one's not for sale. I got that as a gift from a fellow florist for hooking him up with a woman I met yesterday."

"Y...

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A man walks into a bar...

He goes up to the bartender and asks him if he likes to gamble.

The bartender says, "Sure, I'll take a bet. What's your action?"

The man offers a $50 bet that he can bite his own eyeball. The bartender, thinking it's easy money, accepts his bet, and is shocked when the man removes his ...

A man had an adult daughter who he loved dearly but rarely met. He decided to send her a letter, and in it was hundreds of pieces of advice to help her succeed in life.

The advice ranged from career to cooking to basic mechanics; it was like a manual for life, and it took him a good while to rewrite, condense, and perfect.

When he went to the post office to send the letter, he met the mail deliverer Kurt. Kurt said he would deliver the letter.

The man...

Dublin Airport

The other day at Dublin Airport I got talking to a man who was waiting for his brother to fly in from New York who he hadn't seen for 45 years.

I said 'When he gets off the plane will you know him?'

He said 'No, I haven't seen him for 45 years, he didn't even send a photograph.'
...

Once upon a time...

So there's a far-off place that consists of a perfectly triangular lake surrounded by land, with three kingdoms on the three sides of the lake. The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy prosperous people. The second kingdom is more humble, but has its fair share of wealth and power...

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CAN ADMINS OF THIS GROUP DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?!

WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, AN ELDERLY WOMAN. SHE'S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEMBERS, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER UNMENTIONABLES. SHE IS OFFERING AN IPHONE 8+ IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE...

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Spy

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their 8 -year old
son in the flat, was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on
all the street activities.

Their 8-year old began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation;
<...

A man and a nun

A man suffered a serious heart attack . The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.

He awoke from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital he was taken to. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a cl...

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We should send sex offenders raid Area 51

Alien vs Predator

I got a kid in Africa who I feed, clothe, school, and vaccinate for less than $1/day.

That is nothing compared to what it cost me to send him there.

The aircraft carrier captain saw a light

"Tell the signalman to warn that boat to turn to port to avoid a collision."

But the light flashes back "*YOU* turn to port to avoid a collision."

The captain, incensed, sends the message "This is a 200 kiloton aircraft carrier with 50 war planes, atomic bombs and cruise missiles! ...

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I asked my wife to send me a pic of her asshole.

She sent me a selfie of myself.

I asked my husband if I was the only one he has been with.

He said yes. The others were like nine and ten.

Please send bail money.

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Little Johnny asked his teacher if he could talk to her after class

Johnny:" Miss I believe im too smart for my age I want to move on directly to high-school, I'm bored in here."
Hearing that, teacher can't believe his audacity, but nevertheless aranges with the principal an exam in his office for the boy.
The principal is astounded to find that Johnny had an...

In Russia, a man is driving with his wife and small child.

A policeman pulls the man over on suspicion of the man being drunk and gives him a breathalyzer test. “See,” the policeman says, “you are drunk.” The man protests that the breathalyzer must be broken and invites the policeman to test his wife. She also registers as drunk. Exasperated, the man invite...

A group of high level executives at a company decides to start a rowing team?

No matter how hard they try, though, they always end up losing against their rival firm. After months of humiliating defeats, they send one of their guys to spy on another team's practice session, hoping to discover their secret.

After returning, the spy reveals: "I found out how they keep on...

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Picked up a hitch hiker

***I pulled this on my boss last week. Luckily he is cool so I knew he wouldn't fire me or send me home.

The joke is way better in person and gets a huge laugh if told straight faced like a story that happened to you. Make sure you say the ending with plenty of gusto.

Here's how it go...

A man is sitting in a bar looking sad....

(friend of mine told me this forever ago. I'm sure its been posted here before)

The bartender asks, “Why you so down?”

Man replies, “Well, no girls will talk to me because I have this wooden eye and it freaks them out.”

Bartender thinks for a moment, “See that cute girl sitting ...

Nancy Pelosi, Mike Pence and Donald Trump died and went to heaven.

St Peter greeted the three of them at the Pearly Gates.

"Ah, my friends, you arrived just in time for our new programme." St Peter proclaimed. "You get to go back to Earth and for one month as anything you want. Then you come back here to proceed to your eternal reward."

"I want to be ...

This genie has only 3 wishes

Three friends stranded on a deserted island find a magic lamp. Inside this magic lamp is a genie who agrees to grant each friend one wish.

"I want to go home," says the first friend. The genie grants her wish.

"I want to go home too," says the second friend. The genie then sends her ho...

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Three men get lost in a forest and kidnapped by a cannibal tribe...

The chief tells them that since they don't seem to mean any harm, they must pass a test and if they do, he'll let them go free, he'll even point them in the direction of civilization. But if they cannot complete the test, they will be killed and served for dinner. First, he sends each of the men in ...

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Some people say pictures are worth 1000 words

But they are full of crap because then you wouldn’t be able to send them on Twitter

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.

One goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to Spain and is named Juan.

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum.

Upon receiving it, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal.

Her husband said: "But they are twins. If...

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Where do you send a Jew with ADHD?

To a concentration camp.

What’s the best way to deal with kids with ADHD?

Send them to a concentration camp.

The space-race for mars is just like a one way lustful relationship

Everyone is spending millions of dollars on it and sending things over to mars just to see if its wet.

What did kim jong un text his girlfriend?

Send nukes

Jake decided to send his good friend, Thomas, a bouquet of flowers to celebrate Thomas's business expansion.

He called a florist in Thomas' local area and made arrangements- flowers, personalized note, vase, and so forth.

A week later, Thomas called Jake, confused. "Jake- what the hell? The florist dropped off a bouquet of lilies with a message that says 'Rest in peace.'"

Jake realizes the fl...

What does a buffalo say to his kid, when sending him to school?

Bison.

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An anthropologist visited a local translator in Zimbabwe.

"I'd like to set up a meeting with the nearby Xhosa tribe," he said. "But I haven't had any luck finding them. Can you help me send a message?"

The translator smiled. "Ah yes, they are difficult to find. This particular tribe has very little interest in Westerners. But there is a way to arran...

My friend has no running water at his house, so I felt bad and decided to send him a card.

A “Get Well Soon” card.

OH NO NO NO NO

# Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, recently received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.

# On the appointed day, the inspector turne...

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Takes place during the Great Depression.

A man and his wife were barely scraping by on their combined salaries, but they weren’t making enough to make ends meet. One night, they lay in bed hungry after skipping supper. Now the woman had an idea, but she didn’t think her husband would approve of it. She turned to the man and said,
“Why ...

Tis' the Treason

Santa: "Please help. Global Warming has put my shop under water. My elves are crossing the boarder for refuge"

Trump: " Don't worry Santy, I'm sending ICE"

A 90 year old farmer goes to the banker for a loan to buy land.

The banker has some concerns due to the old codgers age.
"What happens if you die before the loan is paid off?" The banker asks.
"I'll send you a check from heavan, because God would want all my obligations taken care of," The old farmer answered.
"But what if you go the other direction?" t...

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A young cowboy from Montana goes off to college.

Half way through the semester, having foolishly squandered all his money .... he calls home.

"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in University that will teach our dog, Ole' Blue how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his Da...

A new doctor came into town and set up shop 4 months ago.

I’m a doctor too, so I was worried about losing any of my clientele. Sure enough, some of my regulars failed to reschedule appointments and I started getting faxed requests to send their medical records over to this new doctor.

After a few months had passed, things weren’t improving and appoi...

A couple were in divorce court and the judge said ‘I have reviewed this case very carefully and I have decided to give your wife £775 a week.’

The husband replied ‘that’s very fair your honor, and every now and then I will try to send her a few quid myself’.

Jimmy wrote a letter to Santa

Jimmy wrote a letter to Santa,
"Dear Santa, this Christmas I want a baby brother."

Santa replied,
"Send me your mother."

Whats worse?

Whats worse than accidentally sending a nude pic of yourself to your girlfriend's mom?

When she sends one of herself back.

An 80-year old man buys a Corvette

He gets it out on the open highway and takes it to 80, then 100, then 120 before he knows it.

He looks in his mirror to see flashing red lights so he pulls over.

The highway patrolman walks up and say, "You know how fast you were going and I know how fast you were going. I've heard eve...

Signal joke

My friend is in the royal signallers corps and he doesn’t even get the signals his girlfriend is sending him

Getting on a plane, I told the ticket agent, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami."

She said, "We can't do that!"
I told her, "You did it last week!"

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One day the Emperor decided he wanted to find the best samurai in the world.

So he sent his men around the world, and they came back with three potential options: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai and a Jewish samurai.

The emperor held tryouts to see which was best. First, he brought in the Japanese samurai. As the Japanese samurai strode into the great Hall and a...

My ex worked in the radiology dept at the hospital.

Every Christmas and birthday she’d send me an X-ray of her chest.

I know it sounds a bit weird but it showed that her heart was in the right place!

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Two young brothers decide they're old enough to start cussing.

They decided that they could say "damn" and "ass". The next morning, their mom asked what what they wanted for breakfast.

7 year-old: I want some damn cheerios.

His mom gets mad, spanks him, and sends him to his room. When she was finished, she asked the other what he wanted.

5...

Do you know why Germany will send their most unwanted prisoners to Greece?

Because whenever they send something to Greece, they'll never get it back.

Mary Magdalene sends nudes to Jesus

Jesus: Sends picture of bread
Mary: WTF
Jesus: This is my body

One day a little boy wrote to Santa...

Boy: “Please send me a sister”

Santa: “Ok, send me your mother”

One day an old man wrote a letter to God... [long]

...and he tied the letter to a tree outside a church.

The priest came and took down the letter.

It read "Please God, I'm a poor man, please send me $100,000 so I can pay my debts and live peacefully".

Being a kind priest, he took donations around town for the old man and raised ...

Whos on first recreation

Hello 911 what's your emerengcy?

There's some people over here robing the bank

Sir I got you using your cellphone where's the bank?

It's the Wellsfargo on Main st

Are you inside the building?

Yeah I'm hiding but they have hostages

Ok sir stay on the line I'm...

A criminal is arrested and sent to jail [LONG]

The criminal had robbed a bank, but refused to tell the police where he stashed the money! Eventually, they give up trying to find it and just throw him in jail.

He gets letters from his wife and writes back, one day she writes; "It's a shame you're locked away. My back has been killing me, b...

A monk and a lady were conversing.

Monk : Send me an email and I’ll get back to you.

Lady : Wow. So are monks allowed to use email?

Monk: Of course they are, as long as there are no attachments.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked…

'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'

She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a...

You know how to pick up a zoologist?

Send them dik-dik pics.

Quasimodo wanted to go on vacation.

He sends out an ad in the newspaper to get someone to ring the bell in his place. Unfortunately, no one responds, but just as he leaves, a man with no arms is at the door. Quasimodo asks why he’s there. The man says, “I want the job.” Quasimodo counters this, saying that he couldn’t possibly ring th...

I hired a private investigator to locate a high-paid athlete and send me a write up.

He found them. The report was profound.

Question: Do yo know what America does with all it's circumcision's.

Answer: We send them to Cuba where they grow dictators (dicktaters)

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After a night out at the pub with his buddies, Carl came home rather drunk.

He slid into bed, kissed his wife on the cheek and fell into a deep sleep.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, “You died in your sleep, Carl.”

Carl was stunned. “I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!”

St. Peter said, “Hmm, perh...

Two blondes are working at a warehouse...

One blonde, tired of working, says to the other: “Watch this, I’m going to act crazy so that the boss will send me home.”

She climbs up the racking and hangs from the rafters yelling “I’M A LIGHTBULB, I’M A LIGHTBULB, I’M A LIGHTBULB!!”

“What are you doing?! Get down from there and GO ...

A programer’s wife sends him to the market and says, “Take some sausages... And if there are any eggs, take 10”

Half an hour later the programer comes back home with 10 sausages. His wife asks him, “Why are you bringing 10 sausages?”
“They had eggs.”

Someone keeps sending me roses with the heads cut off

I think I'm being stalked

When my wife sends me to the supermarket to get cucumbers

I also buy Vaseline so the cashier doesnt think that im a vegan

Where do you send a Jewish kid with ADHD

A concentration camp. (My bosses joke, please don't kill me)

I just read in the news that tons of Americans are sending their old clothes to poor people in Africa.

Seems like a waste of time in my opinion. I've never seen an African with a 52 inch waist.

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A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he's allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words.

He clears his throat and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That's not surprising," the elders say. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."

Why should you not send a letter to Washington?

Because he's dead.

Judge: I hereby send you to prison for 20 years.

Me: Your Honour couldn't you consider shortening the sentence.
Judge: I send you to prison for 20 years.

The son of a wealthy oil sheik sends an email to his father in Dubai

Subject: arrived.

Hi dad, Oxford is fantastic, everyone is very friendly and it is very nice here, but ... I don't feel so easy when I come to my university in my pure golden Ferrari, while my fellow students and even my professors come by train. Greetz, Nasser. The next day, Nasser recei...

I met a very unnatractive girl recently and she likes to send pics

It goes without saying that I'm going to have to be the bearer of bad nudes.

Where do Russians send their ghosts?

To the Ghooouuulllll-lag

My friend keeps sending me bird puns

He doesn't realise toucan play that game

Jeff Bezos: "Alexa, send nudes to my secret admirer."

Alexa: "Got it. Sending nudes to the National Enquirer."

A mail man is delivering a package when he realises that the send to address is the same as the send back to address

This package keeps getting sent around in a circle for weeks before he finally sees a man come and get it.

“I’m sorry for snooping , but I have to ask, why do you keep sending this one package to yourself everyday. It’s just weird,”

The odd old man replies” well my fellow man, reposts ...

The Empire demanded the Kingdom send a baron as hostage or risk invasion. The King, scared for his life, decided to send the Empire someone with a higher rank.

The Empire got a viscount.

For weeks now Amazon has been sending me suggestions for random biscuits

Finally I logged in and updated my cookie preferences

God calls Satan.

"Hey, I think we misplaced an engineer and he ended up in Hell."

"Yeah, Carl. Been doing a wonderful job. We finally got an AC system up and running and the heaters are fixed. He even designed an auto-poker for the pitchfork teams."

"Send him back here, he belongs in Heaven."

"Y...

Why did God send his only begotten son down to earth?

He didn’t want to pay for child support.

Boss sends a text to worker: You are good with jokes write me one

Worker: I can't, i'm working.
Boss: Good one, one more.

Attention America! We Brits have your president! If you do not send us £50M by Sunday morning....

We’ll return him back to you.

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An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter . . .

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. Bu...

A new business is opening and one of the owner’s friends wants to send him flowers for the occasion.

They arrive at the new business site and the owner reads the card: “Rest in Peace.” Understandably the owner is angry and calls the florist to complain.

After he tells the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he is, the florist replies, “Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rath...

Please send help. I barely hacked onto the internet from China. My country is censoring and controlling us.

Edit: Just kidding. China is a wonderful place. They treat us well and care very much about our human rights. Thank you.

What do you call it when Google keeps sending you ads about former vice presidents dancing?

Al Gore Rhythms

A little girl says to her mommy, instead of buying me clothes for my birthday can you send them to all of the little girls that haven't got any, you know the ones.

The ones on daddy's computer.

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An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband's pulse, then told the woman, "I'm sorry, your husband is dead."

The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?"

The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform."

"YES! I have to be absolutely certain."
...

Why did the government stop sending electronic assignments to their Secret Service agents?

Because they were producing too many harmful E-missions.

God explain to stalin he can only send him to hell but he lets him to choose which hell

God : You prefer to burn in a capitalist hell or a communist hell ?

Stalin : i chose the communist one because there will surely be a shortage of coal

Why don't we send women to space?

Her:Houston we have a problem!

Houston:What is the problem?

Her:Oh you know whats the problem

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while . . .

A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while. Eventually he returns home and he is now a Christian. The man finds this to be odd and mentions it to his friend.

The friend listens, thinks for a moment and says, "That's odd. I sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as ...

Check eMail Address Before Sending

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 35 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minneapolis an...

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At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink.

The drunk tried it and said, “It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acc...

My secretary called this morning and said she cant work anymore because she lost her eye. After assuring her that was understandable, I asked her to send me her resignation in writing for HR purposes.

"Dear Smon,

The past year has been terrfc, but t s my sncere regret to nform you today wll be my last day wth the organsaton ... "

A private ran to his General, sending a message from the front lines. He was in utter distress.

"Sir! We are outnumbered three to one, and..."

"Private! Get me my red shirt," he interrupted, "When I bleed in battle, I don't want the soldiers to be discouraged."

"Sir! You don't understand, they have battalions of heavy artillery, and their tanks are twice the..."

The Genera...

Google announces new usage of an old tool: sending vital organs for surgery via landlines. The organ at the other end will be a working copy of the original, giving an unprecedented supply of life-saving organs to families in need.

They're calling it "The Fax of Life."

Where do they send the ironic Russian emperors?

The Tsar Chasm

Three blondes are walking around. They suddenly stumble apron some tracks. The first blonde says "those are deer tracks" the send blonde says "those are wolf tracks!" The third blonde says" no, those are bear tracks!"

And then the train hit them

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do the Hong Kong police like to show up to work early?

They like to beat the crowds.

Edit: WTF is wrong with you people?
I know dark humor is like a kid with cancer, it never gets old but, 2 shiny bottle caps?? NO!! Send that money to the protesters, or groups helping them, in Hong Kong.

Edit 2:
Add edit to first comment.
Also he...

I was once in a group project with a girl who did nothing but send feet pics

That was her sole contribution

My girlfriend has been ignoring my attempts to communicate with her. I think she has been ghosting me for several weeks now all because I asked her to send nudes.

So I said screw it, I’m done trying to communicate and threw out my Ouija board.

Fun fact: members of the equine family can send messages to each other by stamping the ground in distinct patterns.

It's their Horse Code.

I offer my kids $500 for every A on their report card.It sends the message that education is a priority in our household.

And it costs me absolutely nothing since my kids aren't that bright.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Amazon won't refund me after sending me the wrong fertilizer.

This is some bullshit.

Australia sends a rep to Germany...

..to inspect their latest renewable energy projects. They spend days touring wind and solar farms and talking through all the latest innovations.

At the end of the trip they ask the rep what he thinks of the facilities and the push for renewables. The rep sighs with envy and says, "Ahh, look ...

A 15 year old boy comes home with a Porsche

His parents began to yell and scream. “Where did you get that car?”

He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”

“With what money?” Demanded his parents. “We know how much a Porsche costs!”

“Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.”

The parents began to yell e...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was a kid, my mother used to send me down to the general store with a dollar. I’d come back with two loaves of bread, a pound of butter, a carton of eggs, and a gallon of milk

You can’t do that any more, there are too many security cameras

A Jewish businessman decided to send his son to Israel...

A Jewish businessman decided to send his son to Israel to absorb some of the culture of the homeland. When the son returned, the father asked him to tell him about his trip. The son said, "Pop, I had a great time in Israel. Oh, and by the way, I converted to Christianity." "Oh, my," said the fathe...

A man and his wife are traveling to Jerusalem for vacation. After getting there, his wife suffers a heart attack and dies. Officials in Jerusalem say it will cost $30,000 to send her back to the US to be buried, or only $500 if they bury her there. The man thinks about it and returns the next day...

He says to the officials, “Okay, although expensive, I’ll pay the $30,000 to bring her home. I heard that you buried a man here once and he rose from the dead 3 days later and I just can’t take any chances.”

I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup

I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup. But that's okay, because she'd just put a picture of her dog. I sent her a message, something almost-clever like "your dog can ride in my pickup any time," and she responded.

We clicked pretty quickly, and sta...

You should send picture of your ex to NASA.

Apparently they are desperate to get a photograph of A hole that sucks all your time, light and energy.

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