A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.

She was thrilled at the speed. "If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked. "Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thro...

I remember when I was a kid and air pumps at gas stations were free, now they cost a quarter

Damn inflation

Why was 7 brought to the police station for the murder of 9?

He was their prime suspect

Which TV station smells the best?

Chanel 5

A drunk man walked into a gas station

He had accidentally gotten gasoline on his arm while fueling his car, while he was paying for his gas he picked up a lighter and lit it up. His arm immediately went up in flames.

When this happened a cop in the store pulled his gun and shot the man 10 times. The attendant in a panic asked...

A man pulls up to a gas station with two penguins in the back seat.

The gas station employee asks him what he's doing with them in his car.

"I'm taking them to the zoo" the man replies.

"Yeah that sounds like a good idea" says the employee.

The next day the man pulls up again with the penguins still in his back seat.

"I thought you were t...

Mystery of gas station bathrooms

“Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?”

A wife goes to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband is missing.

The policeman asks for a description. She says, “He’s thirty-five years old, six foot four, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children.”

​

The next-door neighbor protests, “Your husband is five foot four, ...

Seaman Recruit Joe Snuffy has just been assigned to his first duty station on a U-boat...

He speaks with his new section leader, who assigns him his post.

"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."

SR Snuffy follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.

"Son I'm changing y...

Why were cosmonauts on the Russian space station always bumping into things?

Because objects in Mir are closer than they appear.

A crazy guy went inside a police station

A crazy guy went inside a police station and stole all the K-9 units' leashes. Police says they have no leads

At a police-station there is a poster saying wanted

A blonde walks by, sees it, walks into the police station, and asks: is that job still available?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two men are at a train station....

First man goes to the ticket counter and is flustered by the attendant's huge breasts. He stammers out "Uh..I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh...I mean..Pittsburgh". Embarrassed, he pays and goes back to his friend and tells him "Man, I just had the worst Freudian slip...I asked for 'pickets to Titt...

A Guy is being questioned in the police station, having just witnessed a murder.

They ask him if he can recall any details about the crime he had just witnessed, but the guy can't remember a single thing.

After a few hours of questioning and getting nowhere, the detectives decide to try something different and hand the guy a piece of paper and a pencil.

They ask ...

When I was a kid, you could walk into a gas station with a $1 bill and leave with a bag of chips, a candy bar, and a coke.

Now, they have cameras everywhere.

Police station robbed.

All the toilets are missing, cops have nothing to go on.

I was scanning radio stations and landed on a religious show where the host made mention of Jesus’s will.

I thought “wow, someone should read that. It would probably solve a lot of arguments.”

I punched a white guy at the gas station last week and got arrested for grievous bodily harm...

Punched a black guy in the shopping center today and got arrested for impersonating a police officer...

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who broke into his house the night before...

“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.

“No!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”

Remember, as a child, when air for your bike was free? Now it's $1.50! I asked the gas station attendant why.

He said "inflation"

Why is the outside of the International Space Station so clean?

Because of the vacuum of space!

A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up

The gas pumper spots two penguins sitting in the back seat of the car.
He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?"
The man in the car says "I found them.
I asked myself what to do with them, but I haven't had a clue."
The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You shoul...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A old Man and his hard of hearing wife pull up to a gas station.

Attendant: what will it be sir?
The Old man says just fill it up
Wife yells: what did he say?
Old man yells back angrily “ I just told him to FILL IT UP!”

Attendant says lovely day we’re having isn’t it?
Old man replies why yes it is, and his wife yells “what did he say?”
The f...

A businessman rushed into the train station just in time to catch the Brisbane to Rockhampton Express.

A businessman rushed into the train station just in time to catch the Brisbane to Rockhampton Express. On taking his seat he asked the conductor what time the train reached Gladstone.

 

"There's no stop in Gladstone on Wednesdays," replied the conductor.

"What!" Exclaim...

After his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Jersey to say hello to his friends.

“Ciao, Luigi. How wassa the trip?” His friend said.

“Everything was perfecto, except for the train down.” Luigi said

“Virginia and I boarda da train at Grand Central Station. Virginia packa a huge picnic basket. But the conductore came, waga his finger and said: ‘no eat in disa car. M...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three kids were playing with a mini train station...

Three kids were playing with a mini train station and when it stopped at the station the one yelled: "All the people getting on the train, get on the train, all the people getting off the train, get off the fucking train.

The mom came in and scollded at the boy for say a bad word and sent him...

I got a call from the local police station this morning, they said they want to interview me...

i don't remember applying for a job there

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man pulls up to a petrol station and goes go buy a chocolate bar...

He goes up to the cashier and says "can I have a kit-kat chunky?"

The cashier returns with the chocolate bar he asked for and says "there you go, that will 80p please"

He turns back to her and says
"No, I wanted a regular kit-kat you fat bitch".

what’s the difference between a dirty bus station and a crab with breast implants?

ones a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean

Where I work, they changed our work stations to those adjustable stand up desks

apparently I have to buy my own adjustable chair.

Why didn't the trains at the station leave after the passengers boarded?

If they wanted to leave, they would have gone to the leavetion.

​

I apologize, it's a terrible joke. But I made it up on the spot and it caused my daughter to snort the bean sprout she was eating into her nose.

How is working the fry station at McDonald's like studying Plato and Aristotle?

You really learn to appreciate ancient grease.

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year old woman because she had just gotten married for the 4th time in her life.

The interviewer was asking her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.

The lady tells him that her new husband is a funeral director.

"Interesting," the newsman thinks....

He then asks her if she ...

I got really emotional at the petrol station this morning.

I don't know why, I just started filling up!

A women walks into a police station

She frantically tells the policeman on duty,

"Help, I've been graped!"

The policeman replied,

"Do you mean raped?"

She shakes her head and says,

"No there was a bunch of them"

There was a woman who lived alone all year round because her husband was a navy seal. The house was near a train station and whenever the train passed, the wardrobe that was in the bedroom would fall.

So one day the woman calls a carpenter: "You know," she says, "whenever the train passes, the wardrobe falls and... ". Before the woman completes the sentence, the train passes and the wardrobe immediately falls down.

The carpenter seems to know the solution to the problem: "Leave it to me, I...

3 motorcycle bullies walk into a gas station.

3 men had arrived at a gas station using their motorcycles. Inside, was an elderly trucker, eating a pie by himself. The first man walked up to him and spit in his pie. The second man shoves his cigarette into his pie, and the third man knocks it onto the ground. Without a word, he leaves the gas st...

I read a book on the International Space Station.

I couldn’t put it down.

Two morons are at the train station.

The first moron asks the clerk, "Can I take this train to Chicago?"

"No," the clerk responds.

The second moron asks the clerk, "Can I?"

A woman opens up a stand near the train station selling apples for 1$

Each day, the same man walks over to the stand, leaves a $1, but doesnt take any apples. This went on for an entire year, until one day, the man left a dollar and was about to leave but the woman grabbed him by the hand. The man says: "I see you are finally interested why I keep leaving a dollar wit...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So I was just at the gas station buying condoms and my card gets declined...

I just got cock-blocked by Visa

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A gas station owner was trying to increase his sales

So, he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with every full tank gas.'

I saw it; filled my tank and asked for my free sex.

The owner asked me to pick a number from 1 to 10. If i guessed correctly, I would get my free sex.

I guessed 8, and the owner said, 'You were close. The numbe...

A radio host was taking a break during his podcast when he realized that someone stole his motorcycle from the station's parking lot.

The radio host took the mic and started yelling:

"To the people who stole my motorcycle this morning, you have 4 hours to bring it back to me or I'll do to you the same thing my dad did in 1999 when someone stole his car!"

Only 30 minutes had passed when 2 guys showed up to the radio s...

An officer was at a gas station grabbing some coffee...

When a guy smoking at the gas pump hands caught fire. The guy runs into the store waving his hands causing the fire to spread up his shirt toward his shoulders as he’s shouting at the attendant to help him. Suddenly the cop pulls his weapon and shoots the man dead.

The attendant looks at the ...

I found a place where they do better recycling than the actual recycling station.

r/Jokes

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A radio station in Ireland is taking calls to find a word that is commonly used but isn't in the dictionary yet...

The first caller get's through,

"Hello! What word do you think should be in the dictionary?"

"Goan!"

"Goan? Can you use it in a sentence?"

"Yeah, go'an fuck yerself!" The caller then begins laughing until the station can cut off his call.

After several more calls t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A local radio station was running a competition

A local radio station was running a competition - words that weren't in the dictionary yet could still be used in sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali.

DJ: "96FM here, what's your name?"

Caller: "Hi, my name's Dave."

DJ: "Dave, what's your word?"<...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A bus leaves the station...

...a man, who has missed the closing doors, starts sprinting after it.


He runs, stumbles, falls, gets up and runs on. Over and over again.
Passengers are laughing their asses off and observing the man from the windows.

One girl can't hold on anymore, opens window and yells the ...

Petrol station mishap.

My friend went to the petrol station last night, after going inside and paying for his fuel he drove to the exit and decided to light a cigarette as he pulled out onto the road. He had unknowingly got petrol all over his jacket whilst at the pump and as he flicked his lighter his whole sleeve went u...

Just got back from the police station.

Got arrested last night for punching someone.

It's not my fault though, when you hear a Arab counting down from 10, your instincts kick in.

A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station...

“I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”

“Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant.

“No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”

The local radio station was asking listeners to call on with their favorite Stars in Horror Movie

I was the first caller and said "Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman"! Apparently enunciation is EVERYTHING.

Duck walks into a gas station

Duck: Do you have any grapes?

Attendant: No this is a gas station, we don’t sell grapes here.

Duck leaves and comes back the next day and goes to the same guy

Duck: Do you have any grapes?

Attendant: I told you yesterday we don’t have any grapes.

Duck leaves a...

I was going to go on TV and show everyone my motor that spins at exactly 1,800 rpm. Unfortunately, the station uses a 30fps camera, so while you can still see the motor itself...

The revolution will NOT be televised

A woman makes a complaint at a police station

"Help help officer. I've just been molested by a contractor"

"How do you know he's a contractor?" replies the officer

"Well I had to do 70% of the work myself"

My local police station were looking for a rapist

I gave them my resume but they didn't accept me

The commander at the Venus space station told his Flight Engineer

I want this issue resolved next year, not tomorrow!

Two old rednecks were sitting outside of a gas station...

Between them there was an old hound dog laying on the concrete, licking it's balls.

One redneck was looking at the dog and said "I really wish I could do that!"

The other redneck looks down and says, "Well, you can try, but he'll probably bite ya."

I used to be a cashier at a gas station on the Canadian border.

I would always ask what currency people would be paying with, but I stopped after a woman screamed at me for assuming her tender.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Sex is like a gas station...

Sometimes you get full service, sometimes you have to ask for service, and sometimes you have to be happy with self service.

The wife and I took a long, leisurely drive out to the country and pulled over to fill up our car's gas tank and tires. She was surprised to see that the station had a fee to fill the tires and asked me, "Why in the world do they charge for AIR?!"

I responded, "Inflation."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A radio station is having a contest

Any caller who can come up with a word the DJ can't find in the dictionary wins the prize. They have to spell it and use it in a sentence. After many calls and many failed attempts, someone finally has one. "Thanks for calling 105.3! What's your word caller?". "Goan, spelled G-O-A-N." After sco...

Girlfriends parents weren’t home, hormones were flowing, I stopped at a gas station to grab a box of rubbers. Cashier - “Do you need a bag with that?”

Me - No man! She’s beautiful!

What’s the difference between Chris Brown and a radio station?

Radio stations only have 90 minutes of nonstop hits.

It's getting real bad here in California. I just got robbed at the gas station. I called the cops and they asked if I knew who did it.

"It was pump #5," I replied.

A blonde walked into a gas station...

A blonde walked into a gas station and told the manager, "I locked my keys in my car and I was wondering if you had a coat hanger I could stick through the window and unlock the door."

"Why, sure," said the manager, "We have something that works especially for that."

A couple minute...

The Trump administration is like the International Space Station

They're in constant free fall, and they needed Russia's help to get there

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why did the Pornstar get fired from his job at the gas station?

Because every time the tank was almost full he'd pull the nozzle out and spray gas all over the car.

Once a man went to a rocket station and asked for ticket to the moon.

The attendant said, " Sorry sir, the moon is full just now."

There’s a hole in the women’s bathroom wall at the police station

The detectives are looking into it

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Late one night, an alien spacecraft landed near a deserted gas station.

After a bit, one of the aliens came down the ramp, looked around, and walked over to one of the gas pumps, where he demanded, "Earthling! Take me to your leader!"

The gas pump, of course, did not reply. The alien became agitated and again demanded, "Take me to your leader!" The gas pump remai...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Irish radio station

An Irish radio station is having a contest: the first person to call in with an English word the DJ has never heard of will win €1000.

So this guy calls in and when asked for the word, he says, "Goan...G-O-A-N…Goan."

The DJ thinks for a moment and says, "That’s not even a real word!"...

A snail went to the police station to report that he had been mugged.

He said "I've been robbed by two tortoises"

The desk officer said "Can you describe the incident"

The snail replied "No not really it all happened so fast "

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My dick used be visible from the Space Station

But NASA told me to stop tweeting dick pics at its astronauts

A man arrives at the gas station...

A man arrives at the gas station and begins refueling. The owner of the gas station is nearby and hears strange rumbling and knocking noises from the trunk of the car. Fearing there is a human body in there he runs to the car and opens the trunk. To his amazement, he finds three living penguins who ...

A mob drags a man into a police station for running over 13 people, while shouting "Murderer!" "Killer"

A mob drags a man into a police station for running over 13 people, while shouting "Murderer!" "Killer "
The policeman disperses the crowd and begins to interrogate the suspect.

The policeman :" Tell me what happened. "

The suspect :" Sir I was driving home within the speed limit ...

My friend told me that I don't understand the meaning of irony...

...which was ironic because we were at a train station

3 blondes walk into a police station...

And we're looking for jobs as detectives.

They meet with the police chief who says, "I'm going to show you a side mugshot of a man and you need to tell me something interesting about him."

He shows the picture to the first blonde and she says, "He's only got one eye". The police chief...

A woman was at a gas station filling her car with gas.

She inserted the nozzle and began filling the car with gas. As she waited for the car to fill, she lit a cigarette and began to smoke it. The filler clicked to indicate it was full of gas, and she pulled the filler out of the car. Some gas leaked out of the filler onto her sweater arm, and a spark f...

A bus station is where a bus stops, a train station is where a train stops. In my office I have a workstation.

What more can I say.

What sound did the Chinese space station make as it broke apart?

Bang Ding Ow

Did you hear about the guy that stole the front door from the police station?

It was a pretty open and shut case

A man walks into a police station to report the disappearance of his wife...

After taking down the details, the sergeant says, *"Don't worry sir, we'll find her. Is there any message you want us to give her?"*

*"Just one,"* he replied. *"Please tell her my mother decided not to come after all!"*

The phone rings at the local police station. “Hello? I’m calling to report my neighbor, Craig. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!”

“Thank you very much for the call, sir.” The next day, policemen descend on the neighbor’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave. The phone rings at the neighbors house. Hey...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do sex and pizza have in common?

It's not very good when you buy it from a gas station.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The villagers stare at the BMW as they have never seen one before !

The pump attendant who obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golf pro is.

"Good morning. Beauty of an automobile you have there” says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick ‘hello’ and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does...

I like to pick up girls at gas station convenience stores.

Why? Simple math.

Everyone knows the Hotness scale of 0-10. However, not many know the amount of people at each level.

Assuming 7.4 Billion people there are:

~5 billion 5's

~1 billion 6's

~100 million 7's

~9 million 8's

~220 thousand 9's

~2 tho...

Did you hear about the robbers who broke into the police station and stole all the toilet seats?

It happened last week and the cops still don't have anything to go on.

What's The Incredible Hulk's favourite London Underground station?

Turnham Green!

Two weeks back, as my friend made his way out of a very crowded station in Mumbai (India)

A bespectacled man with a thick moustache approached him and proclaimed in a heavy Malayali accent "You're Sippy Sopan".

My bemused friend replied "No, I am R Venkatesh".

"Nyo, nyo, you're Sippy Sopan", persisted the Malayali.

"No, no, I am R Venkatesh", insisted my friend.
...

Did you hear about the fire at shoe station?

It was tragic, 100 soles were lost

A proton walks into the police station.

He says, "Someone stole my electron!"

The police ask, "Are you sure?"

The proton says, "I'm positive!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A golfer in his SL500AMG pulled into a service station after his game.

The attendant pumping his gas looked into the car and saw two golf tees in the centre console.

"What's them pointy things there?" asked the attendant.

"They're called tees. You rest your balls on them when driving."

"Fuck me, Mercedes think of everything!"

A woman came into the police station sobbing. "A ghost has taken control of my husband" she cried.

The officer took her statement and conferred with his partner. He turned back to the woman and said confidently, "Dont worry about it, we deal with this kind of thing all the time, possession is 9/10ths of the law."

When I was a kid, I found a bottle of vodka someone had left at the treehouse at the playground. So I took it to the police station.

The police told me not to worry. They would get to the bottom of it.

What is the only meal served in nuclear power stations?

Fission chips.

At the train station...

Lady: Excuse me Sir, is this my train?

Conductor: No Ma'am, it belongs to the Railway Station Company.

Lady: Don't be funny. What I'm trying to ask is if I can take this train to Busan.

Conductor: No Ma'am, it's too heavy.

5 men in the train station

5 drunk men are waiting for the train on the platform. Four of them departure and one of them is left behind. The police officer comes to the one who was left behind and says:

"You see, you are so drunk that you didn't even get in the train."

The drunk guy replies:

"And the wors...

A man went to a gas station

To pump up his car, but as he went to do so, the nozzle set his arm on fire. He then got back into his car and headed for the hospital. As he was on the highway, he was waving his burning arm out of the window, but was seen by a cop. The cop then pulled him over and promptly arrested him for possess...

I’ve spent the day in a German police station.

Word to the wise… Don’t go hailing a taxi in Germany like you do in other countries.

I smoked weed with a couple cows near a police station a few days ago.

The steaks were really high