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Selling coffins must be a hard job.

It's the last thing any of us need.

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Nearly lost my job as a roofer when I was caught masturbating on my first day at work

Luckily my boss said I could wipe the slate clean...

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In a job swapping exercise , a politician was assigned the job

Of a math teacher .

Guess what did he teach the kids in the class.

Division

I recently got fired from my job in the penny arcade

I couldn’t cope with change

I used to have a job assembling tiny pieces of cheese.

It was degrating.

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If you would date a guy who is funny, has a house and a good job...and don't mind that he is overweight (beer belly) and balding...I've got news for you:

you're probably Homersexual.

In my job, I have 500 people under me.

What are you then? — cemetery gardener

My friend had his leg amputated but he's doing well.

got a new job at ihop

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Two cowboys

Two cowboys are riding across the prairie. One says to the other:

* Joe, I'll bet you a hundred dollars that you won't eat my shit.
* I will, he says.

They made a bet. Joe ate it, Bill had to lay out a hundred dollars. They kept bouncing. Joe was feeling bad for himself, so he say...

Once upon a time there was a Bulgarian train driver

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible.

Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over th...

Man goes in a jewellers

Man goes in a jewellers says I want to buy a potato clock

Jeweller says, I've never heard of one. I've got grandfather, cuckoo and wall clocks, but I've never heard of a potato clock.

Man says I'm starting a new job at 9 tomorrow & the wife said, you'd better get a potato clock

Farm Boy Billy

Billy moves to the city to find fame and fortune.

Billy can't get a job anywhere and asks someone why no one will hire him and is told it's because country folk are dumb. Billy disagrees but the city guy says "I'll show you" and sticks his hand in front of a wall and says "Punch this".
...

Today I unfortunately got fired from my job at the bank

An elderly lady came in and asked me to check her balance, so i pushed her over.

A guy walks into a bar.

There are three signs behind the bar.

One says “cheese sandwich - $5”.

The second says “chicken sandwich - $10”.

The third says “hand jobs - $25”.

The guy calls the bartender over and asks if she’s the one who gives the hand jobs. She says “yes”.

The guy throw...

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What did Helen Keller call a hand job?

Oral sex.

What did the emergency dispatcher say when they were asked if they worked indoors or outdoors?

"911 is an inside job"

I got a job at an Indian supermarket.

Finally got me a naan to five.

The roof job

Two Roofers, Bob and Dan, were putting a new roof on a barn when a bundle of shingles slid down the slope and knocked the ladder over.

Bob and Dan decided since it was early they would continue working because someone would surely come around by quitting time.

It was nearing 5 PM and ...

I hired an odd man to do eight jobs for me.

When I got back, he’d only done jobs one, three, five, and seven.

20 years ago...

20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs.

Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs.

God please don't let Kevin Bacon die!

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Being interviewed for a job, a man is asked,

"What would you say is your worst trait?"

"I'm honest to a fault", responded the man."

"Uhh well, nice try. I don't think that really qualifies as a '-WORST' trait. Try again."

Oh yeah!? Well, I really don't give a fuck what you think!

Did you know Princess Diana’s limo driver had a side job?

He was also a beaver trapper. He would sell his pelts at trade shows on his days off. Even when he wasn’t driving he liked to show fur.

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The Little Girl & The Construction Workers

Here's a heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little girl and some construction workers. This will make you believe that we CAN make a difference when we give a child the gift of your time...


A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day, a construct...

A bad day at work

A circumcision surgeon walks into a bar and orders a beer. "This has to be the worst day of my life. My job is over," he says to the bartender. "What happened?" the bartender asks. "I got the sack." he replies.

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Told my wife that I was so stressed, only a blow job would help.

She said, "Where are you going to find a dick to suck at this time of night?"

Just got fired from my new job as a supply chain manager...

My boss just said, "That's LIFO."

Good news!

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "What's new?" the bartender asks. "Good news, actually! I got home and the wife said that the police had stopped by today and wanted to interview me," the guy replies. "I don't even remember applying for a job there."

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A man walks into a job interview...

...and sits down with the interviewer and is asked "What is your biggest weakness?" The man pauses for a second, and then responds with "Honesty" The interviewer, perplexed, says "I'm not sure honesty counts as a weakness" To which the man replies "Well I'm not sure I really give a fuck what you thi...

had to quit my job at the cat shelter today

They reduced meowers

Repair

When the office photo-copies began to look faint, the office manager called in a local repair service.

The friendly technician after inspecting the equipment, informed the manager that the machine was in need of a good cleaning.

The tech suggested that someone might try reading the...

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Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally, sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska, as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it’s total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it, and a huge, bearded man is standing there. “Name’s Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Hav...

a man was being interviewed for his dream job

"What is this 8 year gap in your resume?" The interviewer asked

"Oh that? That was when i went to Yale" He explained

"You went to Yale!? Youre hired!"

"Thank you so much! Ive always dreamed of having this Yob!"

A duck walks into a pub

And waddles up to the bar with a newspaper under his wing and says

"I'll take a tuna sandwich and a coffee."

Now at first the bartender was a little taken aback because afterall how often do you see a talking duck? But being a good host he obliges his patron and serves up a tuna san...

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.

The fairy says “I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else’s job for a day.”

The professor says “I’ll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?” so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the ...

A Photographer was killed on the job.

His photography subjects tried to warn him but apparently a giant wheel of coagulated milk crushed him.

As a teenager I had a summer job pumping gas….

As a teenager I had a summer job pumping gas. One week an older guy drove up and said he wanted a fill-up. Then he got out of the car with an umbrella, opened it, and followed me around as I worked, holding the umbrella over my head to keep the sun off me. I awkwardly thanked him as he paid his tab ...

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A redneck is on his honeymoon about to make love, when his wife says...

"Wait, honey, there's somethin' I need you to know. I'm a virgin" "WHAT THE FUCK?" The man shouts, and he punches her in the face, knocks her out. He wraps her in the bedsheets, drags her down the stairs and out the door, throws her into the back of his pickup truck, and drives on over to her daddy'...

Did you know that piranhas can devour a human child to the bone in 30 seconds?

Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today.

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A lawyer married a women who had previously divorced 10 husbands

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?" "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software servi...

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People think working at a zoo is fun, but just like most jobs

You have a lot of shit to deal with.

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The girlfriend asked me what I was doing on the computer.

I said "looking for cheap flights."

She got very exited and said "I love you," then got on her knees and

gave me the best blow job I've ever had.

Which surprised me as she's never been interested in darts before.

Timmy went to a big city and looked for a job

He finally got an interview. He never held a corporate job before so he took tips from his friend about how to conduct himself in the interview. But when he came back from the interview, he looked defeated.

His friend asked: why do you look so disappointed? didn't the interview go well?
...

“I love my job!” exclaimed the farmer. “All you do is boss me around all day!” complained one of his sheep. “What did you say?” challenged the farmer. The sheep glared back and growled...

“You herd me!"

When I was a teenager…

…I worked as a bag boy in a southern supermarket (Publix). As one of the busiest stores, we were chosen to test making fresh squeezed juice in the store at customers’ request. As a social person, this sounded like a pretty cool job so I asked my manager if I could get some shifts on the juice machin...

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Talking Dog

Reading the local classified ads in the Sunday newspaper Jim sees an ad "Talking Dog for sale Shallote NC". He calls the man placing the ad and makes an appointment for the next day to drive up and see the dog. As he pulls up the drive a farmer is on the porch and tells him the dog is out back. J...

There was a giant, steel, robot who had one job, protect the city.

One day when it was raining some of the screws got rusty and fell off causing one of the legs to fall off entirely. When the leg fell off it crushed the city that it was meant to protect.

Oh, the iron knee!

The other day I told my boss…

That I needed a raise if he wanted me to stay in my current job, I told him that 3 companies were after me. Shocked he asked me which ones?

I then replied gas, electric, and cable.

Recently I've started teaching a poetry class in a maximum security prison.

It's a tough job but I enjoy it. It really has it's prose and cons.

I got fired from my job because I kept asking the customers if they prefer smoking or nonsmoking.

Apparently the correct terms are "Cremation" and "Burial".

3 guys from Michigan go to Hell (long)

Three guys from Michigan die and go to Hell. Satan, being the kind of guy who takes his job very seriously, always checks on new arrivals personally to make sure that they are uncomfortable and their eternal torment is going smoothly and so on.

So he arrives at their cell and listens in for a...

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Luigi and Maria at their first night after wedding

Luigi and Maria at their first night after wedding at Luigi MIL's house.

Maria is a nervous virgin, but finally Mama 'shoos' her upstairs to be with her husband.

Luigi is sitting on the bed admiring Maria, undressing her with his eyes. Maria runs downstairs to the kitchen where Mama i...

Little Jonny

Little Johnny wakes up in the middle of the night and hears noises from his mum and dad's room, and goes to investigate..
He walks in, he is directly behind his mum, who is riding Johnny's dad, cowgirl style, unaware that Johnny is behind her and watching.
Johnny...what are you doing to daddy...

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Fancy Toilet paper names

A big chief of a native american tribe had heard of a new invention of the white man called toilet paper, and he wanted to try it out so he sends a runner to a general store in town to buy some. The runner gets to the store and says "Need toilet paper for big chief.", to which the clerk replied, "Wh...

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Two prostitutes are chatting about the job...

One says to the other one, "have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

The other one replies, "no, but I've been swung around by the tits."

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I just landed a job where I walk into a room and sew two peoples' anuses together, no questions asked.

It's not a dream job, but it makes ends meet.

The wine taster at an old vineyard died. A homeless guy, looking ragged And dirty, came to apply. He persuaded the manager to give him a try.

The guy was given a glass of wine. He swirled, smelled, sipped and spit. “It's a red wine, Merlot, three years old, grown on the South Slope and matured in oak barrels." He said. "Impressive," said the manager.

The man is given another. "Still a red wine, Cabernet, eight years old, from the N...

"The strengths I bring to this job? Excellent numeracy, a perfect memory,

and a fourth one... ugh, what was it?"

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Why did the woman leave the host of Dirty Jobs?

Because he had a Mike Rowe penis.

A Priest, a Rabbi and a Minister

A priest, a rabbi and a minister decide to see who's best at his job. The test is to go into the woods, find a bear and try to convert it.

After they are done the priest says, "I read to the bear from the Catechism, sprinkled him with holy water and next week is his First Communion."

T...

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I lost my job and was forced to become a sex worker

Now I have to rub Peter to pay Paul

I had to leave my job at the ceramics factory when they introduced the new equestrian range.

It was turning into a horse tile work environment.

A tramp walks into a decorating store

A tramp walks into a home decorating shop.
The guy behind the counter greets him

"morning, what can I do for you today?"

"2 bottles of methylated spirits please!"

The guy has seen this before "no way buddy, I know your game, you're gonna drink em, it'll kill ya I won't have ...

An Expensive Suit

A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says t...

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A man obsessed with trains gets a job driving one in a faraway country...

Some day, for absolutely no reason, he goes a little crazy and starts speeding up more than he should. In a winding curve, he loses control and the train goes off track killing hundreds of people. He goes to court and is sentenced to the capital punishment for the murder. On the death row, the execu...

I have a feeling that I’ll lose my job at the graffiti removal company.

The writing is on the wall.

My boss told me, “Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.”

Now I’m sitting in a disciplinary meeting dressed as spiderman.

Cohen Nails

Old man Cohen had immigrated to America and achieved the dream.

He started his own successful nail company. There are two kinds of people he felt, those who built the world and those who just benefited from it. So he was worried about his son as he handed over the business on retiring.
<...

My friend lost is job at the zoo.

They caught him spanking the monkey.

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My friend said, "Congratulations on your new job. How did you get it?" I mumbled, "The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus." He laughed, "A miracle?!"

I groaned, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."

I lost my job as a wine taster.

I was fired for not drinking on the job.

A recruiter told me, “In this job, we need someone who is responsible.”

I replied, “I’m the one you want. In my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”

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A cop pulled over a bloke for speeding....

He goes up to the bloke and says

>And where do you think you're going at that speed this early in the morning.

The driver replies

>I'm going to work

To which the officer replies

>And what job requires you to get there this quick?

The driver thinking...

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A Scouser walks into the local benefits office, walks up to the counter to collect his fortnightly giro and say's to the woman.

"You know something?
I just hate being on the dole, I'd really rather have a job".

The benefits worker behind the counter tells him.
"Your timing is excellent.
We have just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man.
He wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his nymphomani...

This Lady had a show dog,

It was a purebred Schnauzer from a champion blood line. All of her time and money went into taking care of this dog. The only problem, she always gets second place. Every dog show, second place.
Well, she’s at the Westminster dog show, the biggest in the world and again, she gets second place!...

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So a Chinese man walks into a dry cleaner and points to the ‘Help Wanted’ sign in the front window.

The man says, “Me job! Me job!”

The owner mutters to himself, ‘I really don’t want to hire this guy. He can’t even speak English!’

The man says again, “Me job!”

The owner looks straight at the man and says, “I’ll tell you what. If you can use um three words….uh, Pink, Green a...

I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said

"I want you to try to sell this to me."

So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building, and went home.

Eventually he called me and said "Bring my laptop back here right now!"

I said "$200 and it's yours."

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Three guys travel to Saudi Arabia and get lost

They walk into a tent that they think was the one they rented, but actually belongs to a prince with 3 hot wives. The prince comes home and thinks his wives are cheating on him. As a punishment, he tells them that their penises will have to be cut off in some way relating to their occupation.
He...

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A Finnish and a Japanese company decided to organize an annual rowing competition with 8-man teams.

A Finnish and a Japanese company decided to organize an annual rowing competition with 8-man teams. Both teams trained long and hard. When race day came, both teams thought they were in top shape, but the Japanese won by far in the mile.

After the defeat, a defeatist mood prevailed among the ...

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Strange how people think Mules do better work than Donkeys.

Especially considering Mules only do a half Ass job.

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A guy goes into the US Postal Services to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?" He replies, "Yes - coffee." "Have you ever been in the military service? "Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for two years." The interviewer says,"That will give you 5 extra points towards employment." Then he asks,"Are you disabled in any wa...

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Trip

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded & dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there? "We're taking TWA," was the reply. "We got a gre...

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A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overbo...

*INCOMING STAR WARS JOKE* So my uncle got a job circumcising Bantha’s…

He said the pay was OK but the tips were huge.

I just started a new job I'm metal grinding

Not sure if I love it or not, but sparks sure are flying

A Chinese doctor can't find a job in a hospital in the US, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside that reads "GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100."

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."

Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."

Chinese: "Congrats, yo...

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The joke store

A guy gets a job at a practical joke store.

To help him learn the ropes, the proprietor has him spend the first week just sorting through all the different practical jokes they sell, learning what they do and making sure everything's correctly labelled and organised. And what a variety! They'...

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison.

During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area....

Follow the rules

A large corporation with expansive grounds interviewed a tribe of reformed cannibals for the outdoor maintenance positions. During the interview process, they were told, "You'll receive full benefits as employees, but you're not allowed to eat anybody, which would result in immediate dismissal and c...

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Trump and Putin are sitting in Putin's office discussing how powerful they are.

Putin says "Watch this." He picks up the phone and says something in Russian.

A beautiful woman walks in the room, kneels in front of Putin and begins giving him a blow job.

Minutes pass, and Putin finishes. He gives the woman a tap on the head, and she stands up and walks out of the r...

A snail brings his car into a garage

He requests a new paint job. The body guy asks what he wants, and the snail says, "Give me a handsome burgundy paint job with a special detail on it. Paint the letter S all over it in yellow gold."

The body tech thinks this is an unusual request, but hey, it's money. The snail returns later t...

There were four guys who were in the final stages of interviewing for a prestigious job.

They were from Harvard, Yale, MIT, and Stanford. The company decided to fly them all in for dinner and a final interview.

Over dinner at a fine restaurant, the president of the company told the men that all were very worthy applicants, and that he wished he could hire them all, but that they ...

A husband visited marriage counselled

and said: "When we were first married, | would
come home from the office, my wife would bring
my slippers and our cute little dog would run
around barking.

Now after ten years it's different. | come home,
the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs
around barking."

Sai...

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A man hears a voice inside his head that tells him " quit your job, sell your car, empty your bank account, go to a casino and put everything on number 7."

The man ignores the voice, and go back to his normal life. After 7 days he hears the same voice telling him " quit your job, sell your car, empty your bank account, go to a casino and put everything on number 7." he ignores it again and 7 days later he hears the same voice saying the same thing....

A man suddenly appeared at the gates of Hell… (Story Joke)

He looked up to see the Devil sitting at a chair.

“Hello my friend,” The Devil said kindly, “How are you this fine eternity?”

“A bit confused,” the man replied, “I didn’t realise that I was dead.”

“I understand,” the Devil said sympathetically, “Why don’t you tell me how you got...

Punishment

An Air Force cargo plane was preparing for departure from Thule Air Base in Greenland. They were waiting for the truck to arrive to pump out the aircraft's sewage holding tank.~~~The Aircraft Commander was in a hurry, the truck was late in arriving, and the Airman performing the job was extremely sl...

When i was little, we had the best cleaning lady

Because one time, my dad took her upstairs to clean his bedroom. And she must have done a great job because i could hear him applauding her for almost 10 minutes!

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a little story

I know the manager of a car dealership who was trying to get a personal car started on and off for years. (Had it sitting in the back of the company workshop)

One night they got broken into and upon looking at the footage it was a group of young people. The cars were gone.

He went stra...

I applied for a job hanging mirrors.

It's something I can see myself doing.

my wife injured me with her hand job

It rubbed me the wrong way

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headaches

A man strides into a bar, grinning from ear to ear. He sets down at the bar and orders a beer. "In fact, make that a round on me."

The bar cheers, and the bartender brings him his drink, he asks, "So, why the celebration?"

"I am reinventing myself! A new man! Just a month ago, I was mi...

An applicant was filling out a job application.

When he came to the question, 'Have you ever been arrested?'
He answered, 'No.'
The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the last one, was 'Why?'
The applicant answered it anyway:
'Never got caught'

I want to be a professional mirror inspector.

It's a job I can really see myself doing.

A bloke goes into the job centre in Newcastle and sees a card advertising for a gynaecologist’s assistant; intrigued, he goes in to find out more…

‘Can you give me some more details about this?’ he says to the guy behind the desk.

The job centre guy sorts through his files and replies, ‘Ah yes, I've had quite a few enquiries about this one; the job involves you getting patients ready for the gynaecologist – you have to help them out of ...

Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?

He couldn’t see himself doing it.

What's the difference between a wife and a job?

After 5 years, your job still suck

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Jack was from a poor family with many siblings [OC]

As the eldest child, he took up the responsibility of helping his parents financially by doing odd jobs, be it collecting recyclable scraps, cleaning, babysitting, dog walking or simple repair work. He had no choice but to drop out of high school at the age of 14 to work full time in order for his o...

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Last day on the job

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope....

A plumber attended to a leaking faucet at the neurosurgeon’s house.

After a two-minute job, he demanded $150. The neurosurgeon exclaimed, “I don’t even charge that amount and I am a brain surgeon.” The plumber replied, “I agree. You are right! I too, didn’t either, when I was a surgeon. That’s why I switched to plumbing.

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The weirdest summer job I have ever had was cleaning the monkey cages at our local zoo.

That shit was bananas.

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A man gets hired for an office job.

A man gets hired for an office job. So the very next Monday he gets dressed, pours a cup of coffee, and drives to the office. He's greeted splendidly, everyone welcomes him with open arms, and as a whole the office seems magnificent.

Days go by. Then weeks. Eventually the monthly staff meetin...

They say you can’t get a decent job without education.

But look at Albert Einstein – he was a drop-out and still ended up being the first man on the moon!

How many construction workers does it take to change a light bulb?

You need at least 4 people to figure out how to make this job last 3 months while the other 4 are on smoke break.

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I'm Hark, I hear the cannons roar

An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day. "I’ve got you a job," says his agent. "That’s great," says the actor, what is it?" "Well," says his agent, "it’s a one-liner" "That’s okay," replies the actor, "I’ve been out of work for so long I’ll take anything that isn't a porn role. It is...

A man with a speech impediment sits down for a job interview

"Before we begin," says the man, "I think you should know I have a rare speech impediment."

"Shouldn't be a problem," says the interviewer. "Let's talk about your experience."

"I went to Yale," says the man.

"Amazing!" says the interviewer. "What did you go for?"

The man ...

I got a new job as a carpenter.

The boss told me I’m like lightening with a hammer. Thanks, I said, is it because I’m so fast? No, he said, it’s because you never hit the same spot twice.

So this old man walked up to me…

I was walking home when the old man emerged from the shadows…
‘Sir,’ he said, ’could you please spare me of a meal? I’ve no money, I’ve no job, all I got in this world is a switchblade knife.

My grief counsellor died the other day.

He was so good at his job, I don't even care.

What's a guy doing when he's donating sperm for money?

A nut job

tech job

I heard this morning that I didn't get the job as an IT consultant that I applied for. They said I wasn't tech savvy enough. I was so angry that I went to the machine in my office and sent them really angry fax thingy.

Two storks are sitting in their nest:

A father stork and baby stork. The baby stork is crying and crying and father stork is trying to calm him. "Don't worry, son. Your mother will come back. She's only bringing people babies and making them happy."

The next night, it's father's turn to do the job. Mother and son are sitt...

My buddy with Parkinson’s just got a job at a bar

They only let him make mixed drinks

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The Penis Poem–by Willie Nelson

My nookie days are over,
My pilot light is out.

What used to be my sex appeal,
Is now my water spout.

Time was when, on its own accord,
From my trousers it would spring.

But now I’ve got a full time job,
To find the gosh darn thing.

It used to be embar...

A guy goes into a job interview...

And the interviewer is asking him the standard questions. The interviewer says "you've got a 4 year gap in your resume since your last job. Can you detail that for me?" The guy says "sure! I went to Yale for 4 years." The interviewer says "remarkable! You're hired!" The guy replies,

"Oh thank...

I asked the barman why he wouldn't serve me. All he kept saying was: "Too drunk."

"Stop drinking on the job, then," I slurred.

I used to have a job cutting holes to make trapdoors for theatres.

It was just a stage I was going through.

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A man working in the city gets a letter,

It says "Come right away, your wife died". He takes some time off his job and goes back to his rural hometown.

All the people in the village are in his house, weeping and crying. He walks into his wife's room, holds her motionless body and starts crying, when suddenly she opens her eyes and ...

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A biker walks into a bar

A biker walks into a bar and sits down on a bar stool near the end of the bar.

He takes a look at the menu and it reads as follows:

Hamburger - 2.99

Cheeseburger - 3.99

Chicken Sandwich - 4.99

Hand Jobs - 19.99

The crusty old biker waves the bartender down, ...

A Ranger was given the job of

hunting for buffalo. To help him, he hired an aboriginal Scout. The two of them set off on their journey to find buffalo. After riding awhile, the Scout gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says "Humm, buffalo come".

The Ranger scans the area with his binoculars, but sees nothi...

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Whats the difference between porn and real life?

In a porno the repairman fucks the woman. In real life he fucks the job.

I was really excited to get an offer for a new job, until I found out the pay was £3.14 per hour.

I think that’s just kind of irrational.

Jesus and Satan on computer

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, 'THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours,...

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I got fired from my job today for having sex at work.

My boss reamed me out and I said, "What was I supposed to do, she was just lying there naked!"

He shouted, "The autopsy! The fucking autopsy!"

Then he fired me and called me the worst Veterinarian ever.

An Italian bride's wedding night...

A young Italian bride is to spend her wedding night at her mother’s house.
The bride and groom retire to the bedroom, where the groom starts disrobing. He takes off his shirt, to reveal a hairy, muscular chest, and the bride rushes next door to tell her mama, “Mama, he's got a big broad hairy che...

I like arriving early to my job at the guillotines...

I'll be-heading there soon.

Wife comes home from work.

Wife: I left my job today,

I could not work for that man after what he said to me.

Husband: So what did he say.?

Wife: You are fired."

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Two guys are working a roofing job for a high rise condo

One guy is on the roof and the other is on the ground

The foreman on the roof realizes he forgot to grab his hand saw, so he goes to the edge to yell to his partner to bring it up.

"Hey! I need my hand saw!"

His partner cups his ear as if he didn't understand.

"**I NEED ...

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8 Life Lessons — NOT OC

I'll credit this as last posted by u/NinjaNoob99.

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*SHOWER:*

A woman gets out of the shower just as her husband is going to his room. Hearing a knock on the front door, she wraps herself in her bathrobe before stepping outside. She sees her neighbor, who says "I'll give you...

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young lovers and the ketchup bottle

Janet asks her big brother, "My boyfriend wants a hand job, but I don't know what I'm doing. How do I do it?"

Janet's older brother says, "Just treat it like a ketchup bottle. You'll be fine."

Janet goes to her boyfriend and says, "I'm ready, I think I know what I'm doing"

And i...

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as a volunteer medical assistant I worked at an impromptu doctor's office in new orleans after hurricane katrina..

We set up tents in order to give our patients a little bit of privacy and unfortunately we were lacking in the equipment we needed. The doctors had to resort to somewhat extreme measures in order to help this ravaged population which meant reusing equipment that could be, and making sure everything ...

A man went into a music shop

A man went into a music shop looking for a new instrument.

The owner introduced him to a lot of different instruments: flutes, trumpets, drums and guitars but none of them caught the man's interest.

The man nearly gives up when he spots a saxophone hanging in the corner. He tries it an...

The preacher and the painters

A preacher noticed that his church was beginning to look somewhat dingy and could use a new coat of paint.&nbsp; He asked for bids from several local outfits and selected a two-man firm which had given him the best price.

On the appointed day, the crew arrived.&nbsp; Setting up their ...

A girl from the country

I met a girl from the country a few months back and I think I'm in love. She is so kind and interesting. Her name is Sue named after her mother. She has a great family, they live on a farm and have all sorts of cool hobbies and jobs. She grew up riding horses and taking care of animals, doesn't she ...

Why was the farmhand so poor?

He could never hold a stable job.

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