A Chinese doctor cant find a job in a hospital in America, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside that reads "GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100."

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 14 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."

Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."

Chinese: "Congrats, yo...

A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he was looking for a job."

The German doctor replies: "That's nothing. In Germany, we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he was looking for a job."

The Russian doctor replies: "Well, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he was looking for a job."

The...

A blonde is going door to door trying to find some paying work She knocks on one door and an older man opens it up. "Hey mister, do you have any odd jobs I could do for cash?"

He looks her up and down and surmises that she's an idiot whom he can take advantage of.

"I'll give you ten dollars if you paint my porch. There's paint, brushes, ladders and everything you'll need next to the car in the garage."

"Sure, sounds great!"

The man closes the door, ch...

This was the year I got all I wanted: a girlfriend, a steady job, and many new friends. All I could want for the next year is...

to be able to post this in a different sub.

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A man applies for a government job

A man goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"OK, have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."

The...

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My wife often uses the promise of sex as a way to get little jobs done around the house.

The plumber told me.

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led h...

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CAN MODS OF THIS SUB DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO ARE ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?!

WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, AN ELDERLY WOMAN. SHE'S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING PEOPLE, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER UNMENTIONABLES. SHE IS OFFERING AN IPHONE 11 IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE ...

I got a new job cleaning mirrors

It's something i can really see myself doing.

Tom wants a job as a signalman on the railways.

He is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

To find out how Tom would react under pressure, the inspector asks him: "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?"

Tom says, "I would switch one train onto the other track, thus ...

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Why does Dumbledore give the best blow jobs at Hogwarts?

Because he's the headmaster.

Twenty years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs.

Please don’t let Kevin Bacon die.

I got a job at a chess piece factory recently...

...I'm on the knight shift next week.

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I just got fired from my job as a massage therapist

My boss said I rub people the wrong way

At a job interview."Can you perform under pressure?"

No ,but I can try Bohemian Rhapsody!

I just got a new job at the prison library

It has its prose and cons.

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Real news: A 95 year old Tennesse man is being deported after admitting his Nazi past. When asked why, as a former Nazi, he is not allowed to stay in the US, he said, "I worked a simple job as a camp guard..."

"it's not rocket science"

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A friend asked me how my new job at the pharmacy was going...

I told him "it's okay, the pay is crap but the percs are great!"

A Job Resume

Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?

Me: That’s when I went to Yale...

Interviewer: That’s impressive. You’re hired.

Me: Thanks. I really need this yob.

I took the job at a bakery

because I kneaded dough..

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A blind man walks into a lumberyard and asks for a job.

The manager looks at him and says, "what job could I possibly give you that you could do?"

The blind man says, "I can identify any wood by smell."

So, the manager decides to test him. He holds up a board up under the blind man's nose. The blind man takes one whiff and says, "Cherry. D...

I got a job at the bank but I got fired!

An old lady asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I asked the mailman why he worked at such a low-paying job. He replied:

It's not about the money. It's about sending a message.

I hate my job. All I do is crush cans all day. It's just...

...Soda pressing.

Boss shows up at a job site

Boss: "Bob where were you I've been looking for you since morning!!!!! It's lunch time already!!!!"

Bob: "Boss, a good employee is hard to find."

Job interview

I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said, “I want you to try and sell this to me.”So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building and started to drive home.

Eventually he called my cell phone and said, “Bring back my laptop!”
I said, “$300 and it’...

I just quit my job at the gym because I wasn't big or strong enough

I've handed in my too weak notice

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I think Jobs are too snoopy when it comes to our private sex lives

Whenever it has the spot on the application that says “sex: ”, as a young man, I’m always just slightly caught off guard. I reluctantly put my number of times there.

Sometimes it provides me with the choice of “M” or “F” online. I always select the F for few. Hopefully one day I’ll be able to...

Why did the executioner love his job?

Because he always got head!

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A man accepts a job in a village with no women

Once there, he asks a local:

-There are really no women here?

-None.

-So... What do you guys do when you need to have sex?

-There is a donkey close to the river for that.

The man tries to ignore that and goes home, from where he can see the river and therefore, the...

I recently got a job selling vacuums and finally got the courage to make a pun around my new coworkers

it sucked.

I got fired from my last job even though I always gave 100%.

Apparently that's not how you grade exams.

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I had a job interview the other day and the interviewer asked me, 'What's your worst quality?'

'Honesty.' I said.

'I don't think honesty is a bad trait.' He replied.

'I don't give a fuck what you think.'

My Dad had to quit his job as a Doctor after the first day.

He told me he lost his patients.

Why did the man quit his job at the donut factory?

He was fed up with the hole business!

Once I got fired from my job just because I was eating chips while I was working.

And after that, I couldn't get a job at any of the other casinos either.

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I was at an important job interview today..

"Are you on facebook?" I was asked.

"Sorry, no. I'm not." I replied.

"Twitter?"

"Nope."

"Instagram?"

"Nah."

"Look, just put your fucking phone away, will you!?"

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What do you call a fairy giving a blow job

A Goblin

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A man goes for a job

Guy goes for a job on a construction site.

Foreman asks: Can you drive a forklift

The man responds: yes I can

The foreman asks if he can make a cup of tea

The man responds: how bigs your fucking cup

What's the most exciting job on a construction site?

Riveting

My dad is absolutely sick and tired of his job at the dry cleaners. I went to his shop the other day and he asked my advice on the situation.

I told him “Dad, I think I it’s time to throw in the towels“

I went for a job as a contortionist...

They asked, "How flexible are you?"

I said, "Well! I can't do Thursdays."

A new battery factory in Northumberland will offer jobs to ex-offenders

Applicants for the posts will have to prove they haven’t been charged for the last twelve months.

This is awful but what does Mike Tyson say when he gets the job as Death?

"I had my scythe set on you for quite some time."

Sorry I'm bored and just thought of this.

Why did the invisible man turn down his job?

He couldn’t see himself doing it.

I once knew a Formula 1 driver who had a day job trucking donkeys.

He was never a good driver, but he hauled ass!

I never wanted to believe that my father was stealing from his job as a road worker.

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

I’m a recovering kleptomaniac looking to open up my restaurant later this year. Got a job yesterday and used my earnings to pay for a Chinese cooking pan.

It ain’t much, but it’s honest wok.

My father loves telling people how he has thousands of people under him at his job.

He cuts the grass at the graveyard.

Just got a job as Senior Director of Old McDonald's farm.

I'm their new CIEIO.

Circumcision jobs don't pay much

But you get to keep the tips

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She did what he said

The retiring mailman

The mailman who had been on the same route for 10 years was leaving the job.

He had made many friends on the route and decided to put a note in their mailboxes informing them.

Many on his route came out of their houses to wish him well and some even gave h...

Good job to whoever named it a 'Prince Albert'.

It has a nice ring to it.

What's the only job where you get to shave your privates at work?

Army barber

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There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address.

He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read: “Dear God, I am an 83-year-old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was a...

Yesterday was my first day on the job defusing bombs, and I had to cut some wires

Turns out, I’m colorblind

So a friend of mine applied for a job at L'Oreal but couldn't make it past the interview...

He's applying for it again this during the next season because its worth it.

I don’t understand how do people steal jobs

Like I’ve never seen a Mexican walking in a restaurant and be like “ay gimme the dishes”.

My buddy told me he got laid off from his job reviewing vendors on eBay, Amazon, etc...

...so I said "Sorry to hear that, man. Let's go grab some meth and we'll tweak out to forget about it."

"Nah," he said. "I don't really feel like it."

"Come on," I urged. "A little crystal will do you good."

"I don't know..." he mumbled.

"Dude, let's get cranked already...

My dad gave up his job of being a late night radio DJ.

He took up a new job as a railway construction worker. Talk about a career change, but I guess he just couldn’t give up his love for laying tracks.

A young man is fired from his job after asking customers if they wanted “smoking or nonsmoking.”

He was fired because the correct terminology in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial.”

I used to have a job working for a anesthesiologist

I really hated that job, left me feeling numb

Why are skeletons bad at high-stress jobs?

Because they’re easily rattled!

Job Interview

"It says here you are fluent in Spanish."

"Oui, Oui."

"Ok, that's french."

"Better add that to my resume as well."

I’d kill for a job

If I was a hitman

I was on my lunch break at the job site, and we were all complaining about how our boss still owed us for the last job. I overheard one of the old carpenters on his cell phone....

"$1000? Sure honey, if you like it so much, then buy the coat"

I thought, "how can this old guy afford a $1000 coat for his wife? We aren't even getting paid."

He continued, "The new BMW? Well, if you must have it, darling, make sure you get it fully loaded. $125,000? That's fine."...

Steve Jobs would've been a better president than Trump.

But I guess comparing apples to oranges is unfair.

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Why did the ex-pornstar get fired from his job at the gas station?

As soon as the tank was full, he’d rip out the nozzle and spray gas all over the car.

Why did the Programmer quit his job?

[“Because”, “he”, “didnt”, “get”, “Arrays”]

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A surgeon friend of mine has just lost his job

After he admitted to having sex with one of his patients. I’m gutted for him as he’s a cracking bloke and a bloody good vet.

Making mirrors sounds like a good job

It's definitely something i can see myself doing

Not too sure I got the job....

Interview I had for a job:
"What's your greatest weakness?"
"Interpreting semantics of a question,
but ignoring the pragmatics."
"Could you give an example?"
"Yes, I could."

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What job has the most hard working men

Porn

My first job was as a sign spinner for a peep-show. I was supposed to stand on the corner and attract attention by spinning a sign or acting crazy...

...whatever it took to keep the customers cummin'.

Did you hear about the cardinal who quit his job?

He downright up and left.

The Local sheriff was looking for a new deputy. When a blonde walks in to try for the job, he asks her "Okay, what is 1 and 1?"

"Eleven", she replies.

The sheriff thinks to himself, "That's not what I wanted, but I guess she’s right!"

"What two days of the week begin with the letter T?" he asks.

"Today and Tomorrow", the blonde answers.

The sheriff is again surprised that the blonde has supplied a...

If your man says he will do the job, he will damn do it

There is no point in reminding him every 6 months

If you ever think your job is pointless, just remember...

You could be the guy who installs indicators on BMWs.

Three guys go in for a job interview.

The first guy goes in and kicks ass, best job interview he’s ever done in his life.

End of the interview comes around, the interviewer says: “By the way, do you notice anything strange about me?”

“Yeah,” says the guy… “You don’t have any EARS, man!”

“I’m sorry," says the inte...

I hate when people smoke in the porta potties at my job

It makes it hard to enjoy my sandwich

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An Honest Job Interview

A man went to a job interview and was asked,

“What do you consider your strongest weakness”

He replies, “My honesty”

Interviewer says, “Well, I wouldn’t consider that a weakness”

The man replies, “Well, I don’t give a shit what you think.”

I once had a 2nd shift job, 3pm-11pm.

They even had a shift differential!

After my first couple weeks I received a case of hotdogs along with my paycheck. I thought nothing of it, but then it happened again next payday, and honestly the paycheck felt a little short.

I approached my boss and asked him what the deal was....

Why do people 'retire' from their jobs?

Because they are already 'tired' of their jobs.

I successfully quit my job as an animator without making a scene, so I had a party to celebrate...

and everybody brought gifs.

I've been sacked from my job as a chef after spending every shift chopping herbs instead of cooking meals.

They couldn't be dealing with thyme wasters.

I recently lost my job as a zookeeper.

I am not happy about it at all....

There were signs everywhere saying, "Do Not Feed The Animals."

So, I didn't.

I Just Started My Job as a Minister's Assistant

My local church just hired me to assist the minister, and so far the job is going very well. The only real challenge is that he's very particular about the display towards the front of the sanctuary. He insists that it be kept spotless at all times, decorated with the freshest flowers, and have ever...

A priest, a minister and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job.

So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins:

“When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”

“I found a bear by the stream,” says the mi...

I left my job as a pastor to start a cigarette company

It's called "Holy Smokes"

The job posting said they were looking for a self-starter

so I called and told them I was hired.

I just quit my job working in a shoe factory

It was sole destroying

I've just been made redundant from my job in a pasta making factory!!!!

All I did was make a fusilli mistakes!

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A guy goes to an interview for a job as a government accountant.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you a veteran?"
The guy says, "Why yes, in fact, I served two tours in Vietnam."
"Good," says the interviewer, "that counts in your favor. Do you have any service related disabilities?"
The guy says, "In fact I am 100% disabled. During a battle, an explosion r...

“I love my job!” exclaimed the farmer. “All you do is boss me around all day!” complained one of his sheep. “What did you say?” challenged the farmer. The sheep glared back and growled...

“You herd me.”

What do you call it when all the hens in the coup resign the same day from their jobs laying eggs?

Chicken tenders.

I quit my job at the furniture shop.

It didn't sit right with me.

It’s weird how my friend quit her job and took out a loan to open an Etsy shop selling stickers, but whenever I ask how things are going it’s just...

*Cricut sounds*

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What’s the difference between a blow job and a hamburger?

If you don’t know the answer then I would like to take you to lunch.

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A plumber apprentice, carrying a large, heavy tool box and a master plumber go out for a job.

They get to an overflowing sewer with poop floating on top. The master puffs his cigarette a few times and put it to rest on a rock. Takes his hat off, hold his breath and dips his head into the water to take a look. After a second or so, gets his head out:

"Give me the 9/16 wrench!"
...

Why did Steve Jobs stop saying "One more thing..."?

He switched to tumor things.

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Ok r/askreddit if you had to give up video games or blow jobs for the rest of your life what would you choose?

Edit: Yea guys I'd pick blow jobs too, they hurt my jaw

I've got a job making plastic dracular figures but there's only two of us on the production line.

I have to make every second count

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Jim Bob and the Blow Job Frog

A man is selling frogs in a box for $100 each. A sign says “Blow Job Frogs $100”.

Jim Bob walks up and looks in the box “No way one of those frogs is worth $100.”

Salesman “Take one down the alley and try it; If you don’t like it put it back and leave.”

Jim Bob does and comes b...

I was asked at my last job interview if I was a natural born citizen?

I had to tell the truth: "Nope. Cesarean!

A man starts his new job at an insane asylum

He is given his orientation and at the very end asked if he has any questions.

“Yes, how do we know if a patient is ready to leave the asylum?”

“Well,” the director says. “We just ask them a simple question and based on their response determine if they need to stay longer.” The direct...

Have you heard the one about rim jobs?

It's very tongue in cheek.

What was favourite Steve Jobs' burger?

Big Mac

I just got fired on the first day of my job as a nurse at the hospital

Apparently the sign "STROKE PATIENTS" doesn't mean what I thought it meant

Did you hear about Mexican drug dealer that kept falling asleep on the job?

He had narcolepsy

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What do you call a cheap prostitute who does her job well?

A good bang for your buck

I was in a taxi and the driver said “I love my job. I’m my own boss and nobody tells me what to do!”

I said “That’s really great, now take a left here.”

I want to quit this job because no women will talk to me

Screw the morgue

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A young kid from Alabama moves to New York

He goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
He sits down, greets the manager and shakes his hand.
The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid replies, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Alabama"
They talk and get acquainted and the...

Did you hear about the mailman who walked out on the job?

He abandoned his post.

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How bout a blowjob?

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says,‟You know,I don't know what else to do.Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking,I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway.I shut off the engine and coast into the garage.I take my shoes off befo...

[science] Why was spongebob fired from his job as a chemist?

His absorbance had no correlation to his concentration.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sex workers had the easiest job in 2020.

They already had a PP-PPE rule!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I heard my school's principle's husband talk about how she gives good blow jobs

She is the headmaster after all

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his ...

I didn't lose my job

I know right where it is. They just don't want me there anymore

I thought I knew everyone I needed to know to be successful at my new job...

...turns out, I didn't know Jack.

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A cicada tries to get a job on the Ellen Degeneres show

His application is refused since one noisy cunt is all the staff can take

It must be hard to get a job at an animal hospital.

They have good vetting procedures.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a 17 year old kid just got a job at a Everything-plus kind of store. The manager tells him that he needs to sell at least $500 of their products per week.

The manager comes a week later and asks the kid how much he made, and the kid says he made $100,000. The manager asks how he did it. So the kid says that a man came in on Friday needing some fishing lures, so he sold him the most expensive pack of lures. He then said to the man “ You’ll need a good ...

A Mathematician, an Electrician and a Lawyer are having a job interview.

The Interviewer asked the three Men, "What's the answer to one plus one?"

The Mathematician instantly replied, "Two!"

The Electrician went away, measured lots of things, and eventually came back and gladly said, "Two"

The lawyer looked around, closed the door, leaned in towards ...

Bob calls his job foreman on Monday morning and says “I cannot come to work today. I’m a very sick man”.

The foreman replies “this is 2 Monday’s in a row that you’ve called out saying you’re sick. Do you have a drinking problem?”

Bob responds “I’m not an alcoholic. But my brother in law is. And for the last few weeks he’s been drinking too much and hitting my sister. So she comes to my house to ...

A man walks into a bar. Upon sitting down a busty blond waitress pours him a drink and asks if he would like some food. He looks up at the menu above the bar it says:

Hot dog – $2

Cheeseburger – $5

Hand job – $10

He asks the waitress, “Miss are you the one who gives the hand jobs?” She winks and replies, “why yes I am.” He says, “Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger.”

I quit my new job as a mailman when they handed me my first letter to deliver.

I looked at it and thought, “This isn’t for me.”

Doc Brown goes for a new paint-job on his car, and decides to go that extra step and theme the vehicle after Star Wars

Whenever people see it they say, "Man, DeLorean!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man tells his friend he just opened a brothel.

“$100 for anal and $50 for a blow job”, says the man.

His friend asks “How much for the pussy?”.

“Nah” says the man, “I don’t have any employees yet”.

Job application...

This is an actual job application someone submitted at a McDonald's fast food establishment.
Not sure if they hired him....


NAME - Greg Bulmash


DESIRED POSITION - Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did Steve Jobs say to the hooker?

Blow Jobs

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today, I was fired from my job because I wore a mini skirt

And they have the stupidest fucking excuse: "I dont want to see your cock"

During the job interview they told me that the pay wouldn't be great at the beginning

During the job interview they told me that the pay wouldn't be great at the beginning but it would get better later.

I thanked them and told them that I will apply again later.

What do you call a mail man that lost his job?

Just some dude.

Me: Do you remember two girls one cup?

Interviewer: I meant do you have any questions about the job...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the guy from Dirty Jobs’ wife leave him?

Because of his Mike Rowe penis.

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was sur...

A man is dying. He lies in his bed with his wife next to him.

He says to her:

'you remember when i lost my job some years ago?'

'yes'

'you were by my side'

'yes'

'and when our son died in a car crash?'

'yes'

'you were by my side'

'yes'

'and now I'm dying of cancer you're still by my side'

'y...

A church has a job opening for..

a bell ringer. So they posted the position and a man came in with no arms wanting the job. The clergy weren't sure he could do it, but he convinced them to let him try it.

They climbed the bell tower and the guy ran toward the bell and hit it with his head. They gave him the job.

The n...

Banks should really do a better job of keeping their ATMs filled.

I went to four different ones today and they all said "Insufficient Funds"

Got fired from my job at the keyboard factory

At first I just wasn’t putting in enough shifts, then I couldn’t keep the space clean and finally I lost control

Why did the DevOps engineer lose his job and his girlfriend?

Because he couldn't commit

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you feed a woman to stop her from giving blowjobs?

Wedding cake

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the dirtiest or sexiest joke you have ever heard?

Not the dirtiest but I laughed.

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Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there are not enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the n...

A man goes into a lumberyard for a Job interview.

The manager was impessed with his application, and called him in for an interview. The manager decides to put a blindfold on the man to test his knowledge...

The manager places a length of pine on the table, lets the applicant touch and smell it. Correctly the applicant calls it pine.
...

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