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Job Jokes

Four cannibals apply for a job in a big corporation…

„Well“, says the boss, „if I hire you guys, you have to promise to not eat any of our staff.“

The cannibals promise that they will not eat anyone and get hired.

Everything is going well for a while, and one day the boss calls them into his office.

“You’re working well and all, ...

I’m not having much luck with jobs lately.

I wasn’t suited to be a tailor.

The muffler factory was just exhausting.

I couldn’t cut it as a barber.

I didn’t have the patience to be a doctor.

I wasn’t a good fit in the shoe factory even though I put my soul into it.

The paper shop folded. Pool maintenance...

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Job Interview

A guy goes into the US postal service to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"OK, have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."

Th...

My dad left his job

He wanted to pursue archeology. His career is now in ruins.

What's the difference between a wife and a job?

After 2 years the job still sucks

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A Harvard Law graduate starts first day on the job

The president of the firm says, “If you marry my daughter, I’ll make you a partner, give you an unlimited expense account, a new Mercedes, and a million dollar annual salary, in addition to your fees from the cases you take on.”

The guy says, “I don’t get it. Is something wrong with her?" The...

The new job

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job.

The officer wants to ask her a few questions...

Officer:
\- "What's 2+2"?

Blonde:
\- "Ummmmm... 4!"

Officer:
\- "What's the square root of 100?"

Blonde:...

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My wife asked me what my favourite part of a blow job is.

I should not have said the 5 minutes of peace and quiet.

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I got fired from my job today for having sex at work.

My boss reamed me out and I said, "What was I supposed to do, she was just lying there naked!"

He shouted, "The autopsy! The fucking autopsy!"

Then he fired me and called me the worst Veterinarian ever.

Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.

Steve Jobs would've been a better president than Trump.

But I guess comparing apples to oranges is unfair.

Kathy's New Job

After a long stint in prison, Kathy managed to secure herself a job at a candy shop

She arrived on the first day wearing a proper yet practical dress. However, her first day was set to be retrieving candy at the front register

The first customer came, looked at the candy, and asked for...

A man goes into a job interview

A man goes into a job interview, and presents himself well.

The employer is shocked at how professional he is, "Wow, you have an incredible resume, and present yourself fantastically, but you seem to be missing 5 years on this part of your resume. What happened there?"

The man replied ...

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Which one doesn't belong: eggs, your wife, or a blow job?

The blow job. You can beat your eggs and your wife but you can't beat a blow job.

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I spent $5,000 on a boob job for the wife

She was delighted. I spent another $2,000 on a nose job for her. She was ecstatic. I spent $2,000 on liposuction for her and she couldn't thank me enough. But I spend 50 bucks on a blowjob for myself and she goes fucking nuts! Women, I can't figure them out.

Starbucks job interview

"What's your name?".

"Alyssa".

"Could you spell that please?".

"L A R I S S A".

"When can you start?".

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An Irishman walks into a job interview.

A Irishman wants a job, but the boss won't hire him until he passes a little math test.

Here is your first question, the boss said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" the man says, "Dats easy."

[And proceeds to draw three trees.](https://qph.i...

People say being a waiter is a bad job...

... but, hey, it puts food on the table.

During my job interview I was asked: “After a long week how do you normally recharge your batteries?”

"Through high voltage nipple clamps” wasn’t the answer they were expecting

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A guy takes up a new job.

On Monday he calls in and says, ‘I can’t come in today, I’m sick.’ He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, ‘I can’t come in today, I’m sick.’

The boss asks the foreman about him and he replies, ‘He’s great. He does the work of two men. We need him.’
...

Three guys go in for a job interview.

The first guy goes in and kicks ass, best job interview he’s ever done in his life. End of the interview comes around, the interviewer says:

“By the way, do you notice anything strange about me?”

“Yeah,” says the guy… “You don’t have any EARS, man!”

“I’m sorry, says the intervie...

If you ever feel your job is meaningless...

Just remember that it's somebody's job to install turn signals to BMW's

I just got a new job at the zoo, circumcising the elephants!

The pay isn’t great, but the tips are huge!

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A man accepts a job in a village with no women

Once there, he asks a local:

\-There is really no women here?

\-None.

\-So... How do you guys do when you need to have sex?

\-There is a donkey close to the river for that.

The man tries to ignore and go home, where he can see the river and therefore, the donkey. A...

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Told my wife that I was so stressed, only a blow job would help.

She asked, where I was going to find a dick to suck at this time of night?

I got fired from my job at the sperm bank

My boss didn’t like me saying “Get a load of this guy!” whenever someone walked in the door

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A taxi driver, new on the job, picks up his first customer.

The driver then started to head to the location designated by the passenger. A few minutes had passed and the whole trip had been quiet ever since. The radio wasn't even turned on.

The passenger is very interpersonal so he started to strike a conversation to break the silence.

"Hey, ma...

Job interview at NASA, in 2123.

Interviewer : Can you explain this ten year gap in your resume?

Applicant : Oh, that was when we went to Proxima Centauri, with my previous job.

Interviewer : Impressive! But why didn't you write it in?

Applicant : Oh you know, it was just a two-days trip...

a guy got an Interview for a job with EA

Boss: the second part of your resume is missing

Applicant: for the second part you have to pay 20$

Boss: welcome on board

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I got a job in my first porno this morning.

I’m the husband leaving for work.

My friend just quit his job at BMW.

He gave no indication he was leaving.

CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads: CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00 He walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks. "Can I help you?" she asks. "I was wondering," whispers the man....

I got fired from my job at a bank today

Some elderly lady asked me to check her balance.


So I pushed her over.

I just got a job in a factory making plastic Draculas

There are only two of us on the production line, so I have to make every second count

I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said...

"I want you to try and sell this to me."

So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home.

Eventually he called my mobile and said, "Bring it back here right now!"

I said, "$200 and it's yours."

Billy Bob wanted a job as a signalman on the railways.

Billy Bob wanted a job as a signalman on the railways. He was told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

The inspector asked, "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?"

Billy Bob replied, "I would switch the points for one of...

As a teenager I had a summer job pumping gas….

As a teenager I had a summer job pumping gas. One week an older guy drove up and said he wanted a fill-up. Then he got out of the car with an umbrella, opened it, and followed me around as I worked, holding the umbrella over my head to keep the sun off me. I awkwardly thanked him as he paid his tab ...

"What's your biggest weakness?" asked the job interviewer.

"I don't know my own strengths," I replied.

"What's your biggest strength?"

"I contradict myself."

I got fired from my job as a masseur.

There wasn't any specific incident, apparently I just rub people the wrong way.

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I went for a job interview as a Blacksmith yesterday.

He asked me if I had ever shoed a horse, and I said no but I once told a donkey to fuck off.

A blonde gets a job at a Gas Station...

It is her first day, and her first customer drives to pump #1 in a red convertible. Super excited, she approaches the customer and says, "Hey, mister, would you like some gas?" The customer says, "Yes, that's why I am here," she immediately gets to work, filling the customer's tank.

While the...

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CAN ADMINS OF THIS SUBREDDIT REDDIT DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?!

WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, A WOMAN. SHE’S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEMBERS, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER UNMENTIONABLES. SHE IS OFFERING AN IPHONE X IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE SE AND OB...

A priest, a minister and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job.

So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins:

“When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”

“I found a bear by the stream,” says the mi...

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Job interview: "What's your greatest weakness?"

"Honesty."

"I don't think honesty is a weakness."

"I don't give a fuck what you think."

Source: [Jorgen Sundberg](https://twitter.com/JorgenSundberg/status/304345440017596418)

I quit my job to start a cloning business and it's been great,

I love being my own boss.

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A powerful Emperor advertised for a new Chief Samurai. Only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish Samurai,

Number One Samurai, "Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor.

The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box, and released a fly. He drew his samurai sword and "swish"; the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two!

"What a feat!" said the Emperor. "Number Two Sam...

My job allows me to hook up with as many women as I want

I love being a mortician

A guy applies for a job with the L.A.P.D.

Inspector says "These are the best qualifications I've ever seen, just one more test before you get the job. Take this gun, go out and shoot six black guys and a rabbit."

Guy replies "Why the rabbit?"

Inspector says "Fantastic attitude, you've got the job!"

A despondent young woman who had lost her job and her house had decided to commit suicide.

She was walking along a bridge across the harbor, getting the nerve to jump in, when a young man saw her.

"Don't do it!" he called out. He looked at her and realized she was incredibly beautiful. He came closer.

"What's wrong?" he asked. The woman told him.

"Okay, here's the thi...

A man has his mother-in-law move in with him when she lost her job.

About a week later, he returns home from his job and finds her laying on the floor, unconscious. He calls 911, the ambulance comes and takes her off to the hospital.

He calls his wife and tells her she may have to cut her business trip short, but he'll keep her posted.

He gets to the ...

Kelvin and Celsius had a job interview but only one of them got the job.

It was Celsius because he had a degree.

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What do you call a Prostitute that only gives hand jobs?

Jack off all trades

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A man is sitting for a job interview when the question is asked by the interviewer,

“What is your biggest weakness?”


The job candidate thinks for a moment and answers “honesty. Honesty is my biggest weakeness.”


The potential employer replies “I don’t think honesty is a weakness!”


The man replies “I really don’t give a fuck what you think!”

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I got turned down from my job interview for coming half an hour early

The porn industry can go fuck themselves for all I care.

Just got a job as senior director at Old MacDonald's Farm...

I’m the CIEIO

As a security guard, my Boss said my job is to watch the office

I’m on season 6 so far, and not sure what this has to do with security.

What do you call a bunch of employees caught sleeping on the job?

A Dream Team.

I've decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because the weights are too heavy.

I just handed in my too weak notice.

Just got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.

They said I wasn't putting in enough Shifts.

But to be honest, I had been looking for an Escape for a while.

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Nearly lost my job as a roofer when I was caught masturbating on my first day at work

Luckily my boss said I could wipe the slate clean...

My job is to drill holes in things and then bolt them together.

At first it's boring, but later on, it's riveting!

I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.



Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.

The only person Trump ever hired who was actually qualified to do their job was Stormy Daniels

Now you know who the best people are

A University of Alabama graduate gets a job

He shows up to his first day of work, and the boss hands him a mop and a bucket.

"Hey! I will have you know I'm a graduate of the University of Alabama!"

"Oh, I'm sorry," the boss said, "let me show you how to use those."

What’s the best job for someone with a humiliation kink?

Customer service.

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A man goes home to his wife, after being fired from his job at a chips factory..

The wife acts surprised, because the man has been employee of the month for 13 months in a row.
She asks "What happened?"
"I got fired for putting my penis in the potato cutter. It's been a dream of mine, and I couldn't resist it anymore", the man replied.
The wife, even more surprised afte...

*During an interview* Interviewer: 'So how long were you employed in your last job?'

Candidate: 'I'd say my biggest weakness is my listening skills.'

A Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital,

He opens a clinic and puts a sign outside.

'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'
A lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Doc; "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 dro...

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A man got fired from his job

A man got fired from his packaging job at a produce factory. Comes home and wife asksed how it happened.
He: I was feeling hot, so I stuck my dick into the pickle slicer.
She: Oh no! Is your dick ok?
He: Yeah, my dick is fine. They fired me for some workplace ethics rule.
She: And what a...

A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.

A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.

The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What does two plus two equal?" The mathematician replies "Four." The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says...

I almost lost my job as a DJ at a country music station

I accidentally played the same three songs for five hours. Fortunately, our listeners didn't seem to notice.

Got fired from my job at the keyboard factory

At first I just wasn’t putting in enough shifts, then I couldn’t keep the space clean and finally I lost control

A man loses his job and REALLY needs money.

He is walking on the sidewalk when a demon from hell appears. The demon says “I will give you $100,000, but you must give me your wife.”

The man ponders the offer for a few seconds, then says “Okay, what’s the catch?”

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A man comes home to his wife from his job at a relish factory one day...

He has a confused, lost look on his face, so his wife asks what's wrong.

The man turns to her and says, "I've been having the strangest urge at work lately."

His wife, being the caring woman she is, asks "What is it."

The man sighs and says, "I keep wanting to put my dick in the...

Unfortunately my dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday

He buried someone in the wrong hole.

It was a grave mistake.

A man walks into a job interview...

He sits down on a chair, and the interviewer starts questioning him.

"So son, where did you receive your education?"

The man replied "Yale".

The interviewer, pleasantly surprised, says "Yale? Hard to believe you went to Yale to become a janitor. So what's your name?"

The...

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(NSFW)I'm quitting my job to sell double sided dildos

I hear it's a good way to make ends meet.

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks…

First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realising his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving ...

Donald Trump has decided to take just $1 as his salary for the job of the President instead of the usual 400,000.

That man would do just about anything to avoid paying the taxes.

I got my first job as an accountant at 22, right out of college. Suddenly, the week after I turned 30, they fired me.

13 years of loyal service to the company, down the drain.

I had a job interview today.

They asked how well I performed under pressure.

"Not bad", I told them, "but I'm much better at 'We Will Rock You'!"

A bank teller decides to leave his job to go back to college for an education in chemistry.

Turns out he had a compound interest.

What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters?

They just give you a bra and say "Here, fill this out."

If I get a job at a railroad...

will they expect me to know the job or will they train me?

Not too sure I got the job....

Interview I had for a job:
"What's your greatest weakness?"
"Interpreting semantics of a question,
but ignoring the pragmatics."
"Could you give an example?"
"Yes, I could."

“I love my job!” exclaimed the farmer. “All you do is boss me around all day!” complained one of his sheep. “What did you say?” challenged the farmer. The sheep glared back and growled...

“You herd me!"

When you have an “I hate my job” day…

Try this out:

Stop at your local pharmacy, goto their thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson.

Be very sure you get this brand.

When you get home, lock the doors, draw the blinds, change into your comfy clothes, sit on your favourite ch...

Just lost my job as a zookeeper

In my defence there were signs everywhere saying "please don't feed the animals"

Anyone need a job?

I hear Malaysia Airlines is looking for people.






^im ^so ^sorry

I got a job at Chipotle by telling this joke during my interview.

What do Mexicans use to cut their pizza with?

Little Ceasars.

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A construction foreman is interviewing three guys for a job.

He asks the first guy, "Can you take this hammer, throw it in the air, and catch it in your tool belt?"

The first guy says "I sure can!" and tosses the hammer 6 feet in the air. He catches it behind him right in his tool belt.

The foreman nods his head, and says to the second guy, "...

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One last blow job

Some soldiers are deep in enemy lines and life's luck looks like it's about to run out. "Hey fellas before I die, I want one last blow job. Will one of you guys help me out?" The other soldiers are stunned. "No!" "Absolutely not!" "Go jack off or do what ever but we don't want any part of it!!" "Fin...

My dad was fired from his job in road work for theft...

I didn't believe it at first. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

I quit my position as a scuba diving instructor the first day at my job.

Deep down, I realized it wasn’t for me.

Why wasn't Steve Jobs allowed to fart at home?

His house didn't have windows!

I recently quit my job at the orange juice factory......

I just couldn’t concentrate.

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What did the prostitute say when she walked off the job?

I just don't have it in me anymore.

Sad news....I lost my job as a stage designer,

I wasn't very happy but left without making a scene.

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Every job Medusa had, she had to go through sexual harassment training.

She couldn’t stop objectifying people.

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What food makes women stop giving blow jobs?

Wedding cake

My wife asked me, “Hey, can you give examples of jobs that don’t exist anymore?”

I said, “Steve.”

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There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail with illegible addresses…

One day, a letter came addressed in shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:

“Dear God,

I am an 83-year-old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which...

A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he was looking for a job."

The German doctor replies: "That's nothing. In Germany, we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he was looking for a job."

The Russian doctor replies: "Well, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he was looking for a job."

The...

Was working a drywall gig with 3 other guys, we smoked a joint after we pulled up to the job.

Later on the older lady that owned the house comes out and tells the boss, "you should pay your guys more!" The boss looking puzzled asks where that came from. She goes on to explain, "they have been busting their asses off. Earlier they had to share one cigarette between the four of them, that's ju...

Got my dream job today. I get my own 200 thousand dollar company car and a corner window with a view of the city..

Being a city bus driver is a dream come true.

A man finally gets a job as a Wal-Mart greeter...

So I finally landed a job as a Wal-Mart greeter, and about two hours into my first day on the job a loud, mean, and unattractive woman enters the store with her two children, yelling obscenities at them the whole way.

Per my greeter instructions, I pleasantly said, "Good Morning and welcome t...

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What job makes the biggest assholes?

Gay porn stars

During a job interview yestarday I poured some water into a cup and it overflowed slightly

"Nervous?" asked the interviewer, I simply replied "No I always give 110%"

I want to do a better job of recognizing our veterans

But they just look like all the other homeless people.

My job is hosting a dating website for insects…….

Don’t judge me. I’m just trying to make ants meet

They say you can’t get a decent job without education.

But look at Albert Einstein – he was a drop-out and still ended up being the first man on the moon!

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I started a new job. My boss said "Hi, my name is Rebecca, but people call me Becky". I said "My name is Kyle, but people call me Dick".

She said "how do you get Dick from Kyle?"
I replied "you just ask nicely".

Just quit my job at the helium factory.

I will not be spoken to in that tone of voice.

I went for a job interview today and the manager said, "We're looking for someone who is responsible"

"Well I'm your man" I replied, "In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible"

An old man applies for a job as a woodcutter,

but the boss doesn't think he's fit enough. He tells the boss he is able to cut down any tree in a single swing.

To prove this, he goes outside, hits a five foot tree with his axe, and it falls over. The boss is impressed. The old man then repeats this with a ten foot tree. Then a thirty foot...

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Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally, sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska, as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it’s total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it, and a huge, bearded man is standing there. “Name’s Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Hav...

I just got a new job teaching English at a maximum security prison. It's going to be tough but like any other job out there.....

It'll have its prose and cons.

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My friend said, "Congratulations on your new job. How did you get it?" I replied, "The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus." He laughed, "A miracle?!"

I said, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."

Job Fair I

I got a job at a company that makes fire hydrants, but I had to give it up. There was no place to park.

Then I went to work for a company at prints calendars. But I knew from the start that my days were numbered.

So I went to work for a moving company. They told me to vacate the premis...

I want a job cleaning mirrors....

It's just something I could really see myself doing.

*INCOMING STAR WARS JOKE* So my uncle got a job circumcising Bantha’s…

He said the pay was OK but the tips were huge.

At my new job I have 500 people under me.

I mow grass at a cemetery.

The new job

A Miami man seeking employment is passing in front of a job recruiting office when is stops to read some of the jobs being offered.


Suddenly he notices an intriguing offer.

“WANTED: GYNECOLOGIST’S ASSISTANT”

NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED

JOB RESPONSIBILITIES,

HELP TH...

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I tried to submit a patent for a gold-plated butt plug, but Steve Jobs beat me to it.

It turns out, he was already making overpriced toys for assholes

[Obligatory edit: top submitted post is about butt plugs. Wowza! Also, thank you, kind Redditor for the gold! I can't believe a gilded joke is about sex toys :)]

I went for the job interview and the interviewer said they are looking for somebody who is responsible....

I said 'I'm your guy!'

They asked why...

'Well at my old job if something went wrong, something went missing or somebody got hurt, they always said I was responsible'

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A young Geordie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?" The young man answered "Aye, I was a canny salesman back in Newcastle."

The manager liked the Geordie so he gave him the job. His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK,...... so how many sales did you make today?" The Geordie said "Just the one like" The manager groaned an...

A cowboy approaches this farmer and asks for a job...

... The farmer tells the cowboy that he has no vacancies - yet if the cowboy could do something special, he might consider.
The cowboy says: „Well, sir, I understand animals.“
„Ha,“ the farmer says, „how many times have I heard that before…“
In this moment, a cow moos from behind a s...

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I started my new job as a bingo caller last night and halfway through calling the numbers I farted loudly. My boss immediately came over and whispered in my ear, "Don't do that again."

"Sorry," I said, "It must be the nerves."

"Fair enough," he replied, "But there was no need to hold the microphone directly on your asshole."

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A job interview

Interviewer: Describe yourself in one word. Applicant: Hired. Interviewer’s assistant: Fuck, can he do that?

I got fired from my job at the dollar store

My boss was angry that I consistently gave out the wrong change. Apparently, I lack cents ability.

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I just got wrongfully fired from my job for "being in a state of constant sexual arousal"

Which is absolutely ridiculous. Everyone around me knows that I'm a dedicated employee who is always hard at work.

Why did the can-crusher quit his job?

Because it was soda pressing.

A man applies for a job at the circus

“What can you do?” asks the owner

“Really good bird impressions”

“Sorry we’ve got someone who can do those already”

“Oh well” said the man sadly, as he flew out of the tent.

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