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A man accepts a job in a village with no women. Once there, he asks a local: -There is really no women here? -None. -So... How do you guys do when you need to have sex?

There is a donkey close to the river for that.

The man tries to ignore and go home, where he can see the river and therefore, the donkey. After months in that village, every day the donkey seemed a little more attractive, so one day when a few other men asked him if he'd like to go to the don...

Job interviewer: So, how do you wish to explain this four year gap on your resume?

Interviewee: That is because I went to Yale

Job interviewer: Oh, that is impressive! You are hired!

Interviewee: Thanks! I really needed this Yob

If I apply for a job at a railroad...

Will they expect me to know the job or will they train me?

A Chinese doctor cant find a job in a hospital in America, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside that reads "GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100."

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 14 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."

Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."

Chinese: "Congrats, y...

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A Harvard Law graduate starts first day on the job

The president of the firm says, “If you marry my daughter, I’ll make you a partner, give you an unlimited expense account, a new Mercedes, and a million dollar annual salary, in addition to your fees from the cases you take on.”

The guy says, “I don’t get it. Is something wrong with her?" The...

Steve Jobs would've been a better president than Trump.

But I guess comparing apples to oranges is unfair.

Kelvin and Celsius had a job interview but only one of them got the job.

It was Celsius because he had a degree.

Bad news. I got fired from my job at the bank today.

I mean, it was an easy mistake... An elderly woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Why Wasn't LeVar Burton Offered the Hosting Job?

Because Captain Picard would never put any of his crew members in Jeopardy.

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Someone asked me if I had a job

So I said, "I am my wife's sexual advisor". When asked what I meant by that I replied that, "My wife told me that when she wants my fucking advice, she'll ask for it".

Landed my dream job at a guillotine factory

Will beheading there tomorrow

I was at a job interview today...

When the manager handed me a laptop and said,

“I want you to sell this to me.”

So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home.

Eventually he called me and said, “Bring my laptop back now.”

I said, “£200 and it’s yours.”

Just got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.

They said I wasn't putting in enough Shifts.

But to be honest, I had been looking for an Escape for a while.

Hank Hill got a job working in a BDSM store.

He sells pro-pain and pro-pain accessories.

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I’ve just discovered that the kids next door stole my credit card to pay for their Mom’s boob job

Just wait till I get my hands on them!

I just got a job in a factory making plastic Draculas

There are only two of us on the production line, so I have to make every second count

I have got to quit my job at the lumber yard

I am SOOO board

What is the most useless job in the World.

The guys who fit the turn signals on BMWs

I've just applied for a job in a salad packing factory.

The hours are terrible, but apparently the celery is good.

I had to quit my new job as a personal trainer

After a few weeks of work I decided I didn’t have the fitness required to do the job so I handed in my too weak notice

What's the job title of a philosophy student who's making cappuccinos and lattes in a cafe

Baristotel

People say being a waiter is a bad job...

... but, hey, it puts food on the table.

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My friend exclaimed, "Congratulations on your new job! How did you get it?" I said, "The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus." He laughed, "A miracle?!"

I mumbled, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."

Get a job

A young man in a small town graduates from high school. His father comes to him that evening and tells him “Son, you’re a man now. You need to start contributing to this household. Go get a job.”

The young man is rightfully concerned. Work prospects in his town are slim. The only jobs availab...

I was in a job interview.

The man asked me to show him an example of leadership skills.

"OK," I replied. "I'm hired."

I lost my job at the zoo recently.

There was a sign that said do not feed the animals. So I didn't.

I lost my job at the bank...

Turns out you're not supposed to push customers if they ask you to check their balance.

Why did the man quit his job at the donut factory?

He was fed up with the hole business.

I've just quit my job a helium factory.

I won't be spoken to in that tone....

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There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read: Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I ...

I got fired from my job as a masseur.

There wasn't any specific incident, apparently I just rub people the wrong way.

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My boss said that salary should not determine job satisfaction.

"Try telling billions of parents that ejaculation should not determine sexual satisfaction," was enough to get me fired.

What do you call a person whose job is paint cars.

Car Painter

A Catholic Priest and a Rabbi were chatting one day when the conversation turned to a discussion of job descriptions and promotion

"What do you have to look forward to in way of a promotion in your job?" asked the Rabbi.

"Well, I'm next in line for the Monsignor's job." replied the Priest.

"Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi.

"Well, next I can become Bishop." said the Priest.

"Yes, and then?" asked...

A guy's looking through the job vacancy ads...

...times are tough and there's not much about.

He comes across a job at the local zoo..."help wanted"... He doesn't  have any experience but he decides to give it a shot.

He gets to the interview and the zoo keeper says..." look mate I'll level with you. I've promised the directors I...

Job market

It sucks not getting employed because of nepotism. Because your own family knows your hopes ambition and dreams. They still won't hire you!

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Did I ever tell you about the worst blowjob I’ve ever got?

It was great

A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he was looking for a job."

The German doctor replies: "That's nothing. In Germany, we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he was looking for a job."

The Russian doctor replies: "Well, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he was looking for a job."

The...

If you are not well informed about your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest removed his hand. But, changing...

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Hear about the vampire who quit his job at the Amusement Park?

He used to set up the Hall of Mirrors but he just couldn't see himself doing it anymore.

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A man lost his job at the pickle factory...

He comes home to his wife and confesses...”honey I got fired from my
Job today.” “Oh no” she exclaims, “what happened?” “I stuck my penis in the pickle slicer” he says. “Oh my god” cried his wife, “will they have to replace the pickle slicer?” She asks. “Probably” he says, “she got fired too.”

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I was asked during a job interview....

what is my greatest strength? I replied, " My greatest strength is my ability to give my opinion on anything regardless of other's feelings or concern. ".
The person interviewing me started to say," I don't see that as a strength rather it's weak...".
I quickly said, " I don't give a fuck what...

I get a lot of questions about my job as a cameraman for Naked and Afraid.

“Is it hard?” Yes, always.

A man with really bad eyesight was going for a job as a pilot.

It was his dream job, so he asked a friend how he might get passed the interview, what with his terrible eyesight and all.

His friend said "stick a pin in a tree on the other side of the field from the office. When they ask you about your eyesight say that you're able to see a pin stuck in t...

A man walks into an unemployment office looking for a job.

He says to the unemployment worker: "I would like a job where I just sit at a desk and tell people they can't do the things they want yo do."

The unemployment worker answers: "Sorry sir, but that kind of job doesn't exist."

"Yes! It's your job that I want."

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I don't have to get a job to live, I don't live in my parents house, I have sex often, I read books and workout daily!

Can't wait to get out of jail

Joe just got a job as a repairman.

Joe just got a job as a repairman.

His boss tells him, "You're needed at 69th Street, Avenue D to repair a man's fence."

Joe goes and repairs the fence.

Joe gets paid and goes back to the company building.

His boss tells him, "I've got a job for you at 69th Street, Avenue...

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A husband and wife are both awaiting interviews for top secret jobs within the CIA

The interviewer asks the husband to step into his office first.

"I need to know that you will do anything we ask, with no hesitation." he tells the husband as he hands him a handgun.

"Walk out into the waiting room and shoot your wife."

He looks at the gun for a second, hands it...

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As I left the store, I noticed the Traffic Warden writing a ticket...

"Oi," I said, "you can't do that!"
"Yes, I can. Its my job," He replied, as he tore the ticket off and placed it on the windshield.

"Oh, fuck you," I said.
The warden raised an eyebrow and then wrote another ticket and slapped it on top of the other one.

"What's that one for?"...

I'm considering a job installing mirrors, the pay isn't great

But it's a job I can see myself doing

What’s a YouTuber side job?

Uber.

Fishmonger job

I’ve just been offered a job as a fishmonger, but I’m not sure if I'll accept it or not.

I’ll need to weigh up the frozen prawns.

I was in a taxi today. The driver said "I love my job! I'm my own boss and nobody tells me what to do."

I said "turn left here."

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Went for a job interview for a blacksmiths apprentice

I was asked "have you ever shooed a horse before?" I said "no, but I once told a donkey to fuck off"

Boss: "You've got to find a way to make fewer mistakes on the job"

Worker: "Ok, how about I come in later in the morning?"

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Recently applied to a job as a back-end developer and they asked for some samples of my work.

For some reason, they were not pleased with the album of ass-pics from my previous clients.

So, Richard Feynman applies for a job...

Interviewer: Now comes the part of the interview where we ask a question to test your creative thinking ability. Don’t think too hard about it, just apply everyday common sense, and describe your reasoning process.

Here’s the question: Why are manhole covers round?

Feynman: They’re not...

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Job advertisement

A company was searching for someone to pack items. The only requirement for the job was to be able to count to ten.

The first applicant comes in and is asked to count to ten.

>10 - 9 - 8 - 7 - 6 - 5 - 4 - 3 - 2 - 1

Well, that's backwards. Can you also do it in the correct ord...

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The drink "blow job" it's inaccurate.

If it was even close most women would spit it out.

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Albert the village postman is retiring after 50 years on the job

So he puts on his satchel and collects his last mailbag from the post office, and sets out on his last round.

He drops off a few letters at the local library. The librarian smiles and presents him with a leather bound volume of The Complete Works of Charles Dickens: "Here you are, Albert. We...

I lost my job as a personal trainer recently, I’m just not strong enough.

So I put in my too weak notice.

Jobs that don't exist anymore..



1. Steve..

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Two poor friends once went for a job interview

One was a scholar, the other was dumb. They came up with an idea for both to get into the job.

"I have an idea. I'll try and be ahead in the line and after they ask me the questions I'll tell you the answer after I get out."

"Okay friend I'll forever be grateful of you."

The int...

I quit my job at the high ceiling store after one day.

Everything there went way over my head.

What is the difference between a wife and a job

A job still sucks after ten years

I got a new job at a bakery.

I took the job because I kneaded the dough.

Sadly I had to leave my job at the cat rescue centre.

They cut meowers.

The Mandalorian fell on hard times and had to take a job in a body building and health food shop. Turns out he was unexpectedly great at it and smashed the commission targets. He'd just direct people to the protein powder section, and say...

..."This is the whey"



(Sorry)

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A man walks into a bar and sits next to a hitman who charges $10,000 a bullet

The man says "Aren't you the guy who charges 10k a bullet?" The hitman replies "Yeah, thats me." The man says "I have a job for you. I got 20k spare, and I found out my wife was cheating on me with my best friend. I want you to shoot my wife in the head, and my friend in the penis." The hitman accep...

An employee was drinking on the job

His boss saw him and said “Hey you can’t be drinking while you are working!”

The employee said “but I’m not working”

They both laughed and then he got fired.

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy

The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day."

The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the ki...

I know antiquarians are doing a terrific job, because ...

In my whole I have never seen a single quarian.

I told my boss that three companies were after me, so I needed a raise in pay to stay in my current job. He asked which companies?

I told him the gas, electric, and phone companies.

Why did the vegetarian turn down the job at the green grocers?

The celery was unacceptable!

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2 Irishman apply for a job...

2 Irishman apply for a job on a building site, the foreman calls the first one into his office for an interview and straight away, the Irishman notices he looks rather funny.

The foreman does not have ears where they are supposed to be, instead, protruding from his forehead is a gigantic ear,...

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What do you call a hand job in a cow pasture?

A beef jerky.

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A man gets a new job in a remote village with no women.

A few days after he gets there he asks a local, “You really have no women here?”.

“None” replies the man.

“Okay...so what do you do if you want to have sex?” he asks with concern in his voice.

“Oh that’s no problem, there’s a donkey tied up close to the river for that.”

T...

How many antivaxxers does it take to change a lightbulb?

\-

\-

\-

\-

\-

\-

\-

\-

It's not my job to give you the answer. Do your own research.

What is the farmers side job at the morgue

Cornorer!

Why'd the can crusher quit his job?

It was *soda pressing*. (so-depressing)

Lost my job as a hedge fund manager today, not sure if due to dress code or work performance!

All the boss would tell me is something about my shorts and that that they didn't cover.

I loved my job as a baker!

It was a piece of cake...

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2 friends go to do a job interview

Before the interview receptionist asks them for their basic details to fill in a form:

Reciptionist: Name?

First friend: Willy Ben Chen.

Receptionist: Sex?

First friend: 3 to 4 times a week.

Receptionist: *shakes* no, I mean male or female.

First friend:...

Lost my job as an Old West saloon piano player when a mysterious stranger walked in the door

and I just kept playing

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My girlfriend said to me "would you rather give up chocolate or blow jobs for the rest of your life?"

I said "definitely blowjobs, they hurt my jaw and throat after a while"

I used to get high before my job as a pizza maker at this Italian restaurant

They found out and I got stone-fired

I am unemployed but my local News show said there's 2000 jobs in Jeopardy..

So I'm moving there on Monday..

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What's the difference between a job and a pussy?

Never mind you won't get it.

Why did Eminem get fired from his job as a bartender?

He kept telling people “You only get one shot”

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CAN ADMINS OF THIS SUBREDDIT REDDIT DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?!

WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, A WOMAN. SHE’S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEMBERS, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER UNMENTIONABLES. SHE IS OFFERING AN IPHONE X IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE SE AND OB...

A blonde is going door to door trying to find some paying work She knocks on one door and an older man opens it up. "Hey mister, do you have any odd jobs I could do for cash?"

He looks her up and down and surmises that she's an idiot whom he can take advantage of.

"I'll give you ten dollars if you paint my porch. There's paint, brushes, ladders and everything you'll need next to the car in the garage."

"Sure, sounds great!"

The man closes the door, ch...

The farmer is not just good at his job.

He is out standing in his field.

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In an alcohol factory the regular tester died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position. The director of the factory wondered how to send him away. They tested him. They gave him a glass with a drink. He tried it and said,”It’s red wine, a muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers.” “...

I had to quit my job as a treadmill tester.

I just felt i wasn't getting anywhere!

I just got a job as a cuckoo in a cuckoo clock...

...It’s not the best job in the world, but it gets me out of the house.

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A guy goes into the US Postal Services to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."


"OK, have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."
The interviewer says, "that will give you 5 extra points toward empl...

Did you hear that Mike Tyson just got a job at Amazon?

He just really wanted to be a professional boxer again.

A socially awkward loner finally landed a job as a mailman. When the people on his route saw a new face, they instinctively wanted to know who he was and he always gave the same response.

Long time lurker, first time poster.

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I get only one blow job per year

I get only one blow job per year, when I blow the candles on my birthday cake.

I got fired from my job at the calendar factory

I got fired from my job at the calendar factory a couple weeks ago, and all I did was take a few days off.

But it's alright, I think I'm going to become a mirror washer.

It's something I can really see myself doing

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led h...

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A whale of a tale

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the sam...

Had a job interview with ISIS today...

They asked me where I see myself exploding in five years.

Life hacks from Secretary Stalin, don’t dress for the job you want. Use the job you have to create a totalitarian dictatorship to crush your enemies.

*this joke exists because I found out Stalin’s title during his reign was Secretary. During the power struggles his opponents wanted to give him a menial job to side line him. But he realized he controlled who got invitations to meeting, what was on the agenda, and when they should happen. Leading t...

My mate Jack has just got himself a job as a gynecologist.

We now call him Flapjack.

I recently started a job as a forensic analyst in Los Angeles.

The first thing I had to do was analyse some fresh prints in Bel Air.

Due to the current economic situation in the world, I’ve started a dating site for chickens.

It’s not my full-time job, I’m just doing it...
...to make hens meet.

My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.

So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.

Why did the banker quit his job?

Because he lost interest

TIL that the wife of one of the members of the band Chumbawumba had to take a brief hiatus from her breakdancing job while she was pregnant and nursing.

She got knocked up, but she got down again.

This was the year I got all I wanted: a girlfriend, a steady job, and many new friends. All I could want for the next year is...

to be able to post this in a different sub.

Why was spongebob fired from his job as a chemist?

His Absorbance Had No Correlation To His Concentration.

As they say, dress for the job you want, not the job you have.

So i came into work naked.

A four-foot tall man was fired from his job

...for microaggressions

Tired of job interviews asking me how I overcame difficulties throughout the previous year

I don’t have 2020 vision

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Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast. We are all doing very well. You won't recognise the house when you get home - because we have moved. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from you...

After much consideration, I've decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because I don't think I'm strong enough

So today I put in my too-weak notice

My favorite question on the job interview with millenial is

What do you want to become after the burnout?

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A Newfie Applies for a Job.

A foreman at a construction site in Ontario is screening new applicants.

In walks a man with an odd demeanor and accent and says, "I'm after gettin this job here, I've be's findin yer ad!" and the foreman, stunned for a moment, thinks in his head 'Oh no, it's a Newfoundlander..' and while giv...

And what do you think is your worst quality asks the job interviewer?

Honesty, answers the guy

Well, i don’t think that honesty is that bad chuckles the interviewer..

I don’t really give a f what you think…

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It's first day of rookie cop on a job

And he gets assigned patrolling the streets on foot.

Not soon after starting his patrol, he sees a guy pooping in center of a square.

So he calls the HQ and says:

"HQ, there is a guy defecating in public".

HQ responds:

"Copy that, officer"

The rookie then dr...

What’s the worst thing to say in a job interview?

This place is 5k from a school, right?

I got fired from my job as a cashier today...

This customer walked in, picked up something from the counter, walked up to the till and said, "I'd like to pay for a Bagel with Cream Cheese.."

I told him clearly, "I'm sorry sir, we only accept cash or credit"

After five months on the job, a new employee believes he deserves a huge raise and decides to ask his boss.

“And how much of a raise do you want?” asks his boss.

“I’m thinking an extra $10,000 a year,” says the employee.

The boss nods. “Sounds about right. And what would you say to a package of ten weeks vacation, 20 paid holidays, and a company car leased every two years, say, a silver Cadi...

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

JOE BIDEN:...

A koala is in a job interview

The interviewer asks the koala "what makes you think you are suitable for this job role?".

"I have all of the necessary koalifications".

Job description: Cook Chinese food for government officials.

Federal Asian.

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My wife often uses the promise of sex as a way to get little jobs done around the house.

The plumber told me.

If you ever think your job is pointless...

... think about the guy mounting turn signals on BMWs

I still think it was a missed opportunity that Minnie Driver wasn’t in the remake of The Italian Job.

Joke from Gary Delaney's standup

I’m great at long term jobs!

There isn’t a job in the world I can’t stretch out to at least a year or two...

Job searching is a lot like dating

Every company wants you to give them unique compliments when you're being interviewed or else they don't think you mean it.

My friend once had a job circumcising elephants

Well according to him the pay was lousy but at least the tips were huge!

Job Interviewer : Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me : I would say my biggest weakness is listening.

I was going to apply for a job in the army,

But I just couldn’t see myself in camouflage.

My job involves drilling holes into the earth

It's well boring

I was thinking of getting a job at the U.S. Mint

Can you imagine the amount of money I would make?

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A school bus full of Catholic girls get in a terrible accident

Nobody survives. All the girls find themselves standing in line at The Pearly Gates. At the front of the line is the angel Gabriel, next to him is a bowl of holy water.

He asks the first girl, "Lucy, have you ever touched a penis before?" Lucy responds, "Well... just once. Billy showed me hi...

My friend got a job at the power plant.

He now refers to his occupation as a “ohm maker”

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An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day.

"I got you a job. It's a one-liner."

"That's okay!" replies the actor, "I've been out of work for so long I'll take anything. What's the line?"

"Hark, I hear the cannons roar," says the agent.

"I love it!" says the actor. "When's the audition?"

"Wednesday," says the agent...

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[Long] A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept...

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I got fired from my job at the golf club today, here's how the conversation went.

*"This is not acceptable at all! You're fired!"*, said my boss.

"But sir I-"

*"I'm not hearing any excuses! You put your dick inside the golf ball washer!!? This is not acceptable at all!"* my boss replied.

"I understand sir, I'm really sorry."

*"Good. You may leave at on...

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Matt Hancock just quit his job because he had an affair with someone in his cabinet.

I’m surprised he had enough room in there.

I had a job once.

It entailed helping a one-armed typist do capital letters.

It was shift work.

How did the bullet lose its job?

It got fired.

The job interviewer asked me: "Would you rather trade intelligence for looks or looks for intelligence?"

I said, "I'd rather trade intelligence for intelligence."

People whose jobs require them to enter someone else's house, such as plumbers and electricians, what is the weirdest thing you've seen at a customer's house?

My wife.

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