I got my first job as an accountant at 22, right out of college. Suddenly, the week after I turned 30, they fired me.

13 years of loyal service to the company, down the drain.

A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside reading 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 14 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."

Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."

Chinese: "Congrats, yo...

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Can the mods of this sub do a better job of monitoring who is allowed in here please?!

We have a new member, an elderly woman. She's been privately messaging people, sending them naked pictures of herself in nasty poses along with close ups of her unmentionables. She is offering an Iphone 11 in exchange for sexual favors. I am especially bothered because it turned out to be an Iphone ...

If you ever feel like your job has no purpose, always remember

right now, there is someone who is installing a turn signal in a BMW

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What do you call a Prostitute that only gives hand jobs?

Jack off all trades

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I went for a job interview last week

The guy asked me what my biggest weakness is. I said I'm too honest.

He said "I don't think that's a weakness"

I said "I don't give a fuck what you think"

Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.

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A man accepts a job in a village with no women. Once there, he asks a local: -There is really no women here? -None. -So... How do you guys do when you need to have sex?

There is a donkey close to the river for that.

The man tries to ignore and go home, where he can see the river and therefore, the donkey. After months in that village, every day the donkey seemed a little more attractive, so one day when a few other men asked him if he'd like to go to the don...

Was working a drywall gig with 3 other guys, we smoked a joint after we pulled up to the job.

Later on the older lady that owned the house comes out and tells the boss, "you should pay your guys more!" The boss looking puzzled asks where that came from. She goes on to explain, "they have been busting their asses off. Earlier they had to share one cigarette between the four of them, that's ju...

I got fired from my job at the sperm bank

My boss didn’t like me saying “Get a load of this guy!” whenever someone walked in the door

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An Italian wants a job [read in an accent]

An Italian workman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. Here's your first question,' the foreman said. 'Without using numbers, represent the number 9.'

'Withouta numbers?' the Italian says, 'Datsa easy.' and he proceeds to draw three trees.

'W...

Recently, i decided to quit my job at the construction place because i couldn't deal with the heavy lifting.

I gave them my too weak notice yesterday.

I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.

Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.

Dave got a new job at the suicide hotline.

The manager shows him to his desk and Dave has a seat.

The manager says, "Remember! Your job is to make sure that the person at the other end of the line does not kill himself, no matter what! That's the one thing you have to do!"

Dave says "No problem! I will do exactly what you just ...

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She used Vaseline to give me a hand job.

I came 3 times in the shower trying to wash the shit off.

3 people are interviewing for a job at the CIA

All 3 have interviewed and performed extremely well and it's time for their final test. They arrive and see a door leading into a sound proof room.

"Enter the room, read the note card, and carry out your orders" the interviewing agent says.

The first applicant enters the room, closes t...

What do you call a lotion that sucks at its job?

A DissapOINTMENT. Plz laugh

A Swedish man shows up to a job interview

The interviewer says, "Mr. Gustafson, could you explain the 4 year gap in your resume?"

"I went to Yale", he replied.

"Outstanding! What did you go to Yale for?"

"Yacking off in the library"

Where do electricians go when their job is done?

They go h-ohm.

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What's the similarity between getting a blow job from an eighty year old woman and walking a tightrope?

In both cases, you really don't want to look down.

If I get a job at a railroad...

Will they train me?

I quit my job at the helium factory...

... I refuse to be spoken to in that tone.

I wasn't offered any training for my new job as a trash collector, but I'm not worried.

I'll just pick it up as I go.

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A Harvard Law graduate starts first day on the job

The president of the firm says, “If you marry my daughter, I’ll make you a partner, give you an unlimited expense account, a new Mercedes, and a million dollar annual salary, in addition to your fees from the cases you take on.”

The guy says, “I don’t get it. Is something wrong with her?" The...

The dwarf wanted to quit his job and become a butcher...

...but the steaks were too high

Steve Jobs would've been a better president than Trump.

But I guess comparing apples to oranges is unfair.

I'm starting a job as a director..

.. of old McDonald's farm, I'm the CIEIO.

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I’ve just discovered that the kids next door stole my credit card to pay for their Mom’s boob job

Just wait till I get my hands on them!

My buddy just lost his job at a cinema that only shows Pixar films.

He forgot to show Up.

Why did the can crusher hate its job

It was soda pressing

I applied for a job as a Photographer

Despite a negative interview, the boss told me that he can develop my talent in the dark room.

A white guy, a black guy, and a mexican guy applying for the same job......

The boss looks over their resumes, sees they are all equally qualified, and can't decide who to hire. He decides to give them a test.

Boss: Fellas, I can't decide who gets the job, you are all equal in
every way. So here's a question, whoever gives me the best
an...

What is the most dangerous job in Russia?

Opposition party leader.

A man decides to quit his job and run away to join a pirate crew

After spending a few hours at the dock, he sees a man who has a peg leg, a hook hand, and an eye patch; the man is obviously a pirate captain. The man promptly joins the captains crew and they ship out to sea that very day.

Later that night, the man walks up to the captain and says “I’m sorr...

What website does Teal'c use to find a new job?

Indeed

being a waiter may not be a very glamorous job

but at least it puts food on the table

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My friends and I were drinking and starting asking Alexa stuff. Alexa, what is a blowjob? Alexa, what is rim job? Alexa, what is a golden shower?

That barmaid got pissed and threw us out.

Two girls are applying for a job interview, one was super beautiful while the other with super ugly,

The boss looked at them and said " I don't care about your looks, my only criteria is if you are qualified for the job, the one who answer my question will be hired"

Then he asked the beautiful girl " what is China's population?" the girl answered " 1,400 billion"

The boss said " good...

I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.

I couldn’t live off of that celery.

I lost my job at the bank on my first day.

A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

My wife left me after I got fired from my job in encryption.

19H5I191BI20CH

I was fired from my job as a zookeeper, which I really didn't think was fair...

There were signs everywhere that said: Do Not Feed the Animals.

So I didn't.

Did you hear about the lobster that got a job at pizza hut?

He's working in the crust station.

Kelvin and Celsius had a job interview but only one of them got the job.

It was Celsius because he had a degree.

Job interviewer: So, how do you wish to explain this four year gap on your resume?

Interviewee: That is because I went to Yale

Job interviewer: Oh, that is impressive! You are hired!

Interviewee: Thanks! I really needed this Yob

A health-conscious man got a job as...

... a grocery packer. Every day he watched customers buy candy, soda, potato chips and processed snacks. He knew people were damaging their health with these unhealthy foods choices.

One day, he couldn't take it anymore. When he saw a customer with their cart full of particularly unhealthy ju...

I just quit my job at the quarry

they took worker safety for granite.

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I just got fired from my job as a massage therapist

My boss said I rub people the wrong way.

Covid-19 is like Steve Jobs

One more thing...

I wanted to get a job that doesn’t require too much intelligence

So I decided to run for the President of the United States

I used to review strip clips. I know it sounds like an easy job

but I worked hard.

I got fired from my job this week, which is ridiculous considering I was putting in 80+ hours of hard work..

...every single year.

My friend quit his job down at the can crushing facility.

He told me it was soda pressing.

A man is asked where he sees himself in 5 years while at a job interview

He replies his greatest weaknesses is listening

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

John Wayne got fired from his first job cleaning stables.

He wouldn't take shit from anyone even if you paid him.

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A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room.

“Where the hell do you think you’re going?” he says.

“I’m going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free.”

The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed...

Just got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.

They said I wasn't putting in enough Shifts.

But to be honest, I had been looking for an Escape for a while.

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A police captain moved to a small town, upon his arrival the locals warned him there were no women in town ...

He was told that whenever he wanted to get laid he should come near the river and wait for his turn.

He never spoke about the issue with people in town until couple of months in the new job, the captain realised he could no longer wait.

He rushed to the river and saw a long line of men...

I recently lost my job as a watchmaker

I got told it was because I stood around and made faces all day.

I just got a job in a factory making plastic Draculas

There are only two of us on the production line, so I have to make every second count

Bad news. I got fired from my job at the bank today.

I mean, it was an easy mistake... An elderly woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I used to have a great job in a cattery but I had to pack it in.

They reduced meowers

I was at a job interview yesterday and they asked me if I can perform under pressure

I told them my ‘go to’ is Bohemian Rhapsody

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A guy goes to the tatoo parlor and offers the tattoo artist $1,000 to put a $100 bill on his willie.

The artist agrees, but is curious and asks the man why he wants to do this.


The man replies, "I have my reasons which I would rather not tell right now."


So, the artist goes ahead and does the job. But, all the while he is anxious with curiosity over why this man wants a ...

Why did the welder eventually walk away from his new high-paying job?

It was a job he couldn’t re-fuse

I gave my Landlord an ear job to pay for rent this month.

I've got to say it wasn't as bad as it sounds.

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My friend exclaimed, "Congratulations on your new job! How did you get it?" I said, "The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus." He laughed, "A miracle?!"

I mumbled, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."

Some construction jobs are more interesting than others.

For example, drilling holes is boring but fastening metal plates together can be riveting.

I was at a job interview today...

When the manager handed me a laptop and said,

“I want you to sell this to me.”

So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home.

Eventually he called me and said, “Bring my laptop back now.”

I said, “£200 and it’s yours.”

You should get a job as an elevator

It’s easy to get a raise!

TIL after his show on Netflix was cancelled, Jon Bernthal was forced to take a job as a doorman in a theatre who would occasionally warm up the audience with dad jokes

He became widely known as the pun usher.

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Guy goes to Doc because his dick is orange.

A guy goes to the doctor because his dick is orange;

Doctor looks at it and say, “yep, it’s orange alright”

Guy says, “why is it orange doc? What could it be?”

Doc thinks for a minute… then asks the guy, “do you work around dyes or paints or anything like that?”

Guy says,...

I've just applied for a job in a salad packing factory.

The hours are terrible, but apparently the celery is good.

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A duck walks into a bar... (not that one)

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, “hang on! You’re a duck.”

“I see your eyes are working,” replies the duck.

“And you can talk!” exclaims the barman.

“I see your ears are working, too,” says the Duck. ...

Landed my dream job at a guillotine factory

Will beheading there tomorrow

Hank Hill got a job working in a BDSM store.

He sells pro-pain and pro-pain accessories.

Me: “Squirting isn’t real, right? It’s just urine, right?”

Interviewer: "I meant any questions about the job"

A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he was looking for a job."

The German doctor replies: "That's nothing. In Germany, we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he was looking for a job."

The Russian doctor replies: "Well, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he was looking for a job."

The...

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Someone asked me if I had a job

So I said, "I am my wife's sexual advisor". When asked what I meant by that I replied that, "My wife told me that when she wants my fucking advice, she'll ask for it".

Get a job

A young man in a small town graduates from high school. His father comes to him that evening and tells him “Son, you’re a man now. You need to start contributing to this household. Go get a job.”

The young man is rightfully concerned. Work prospects in his town are slim. The only jobs availab...

I have always wanted a job where I estimate crowd sizes at sporting events.

I wonder how many people are in that field.

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Cletus gets his first job at a small town gas station.

One day, a big old station wagon with Texas plates shows up. He had never seen a car from Texas come in before, so he was impressed. He walks up to the driver’s side. In the front seat we’re two big cowboy looking dudes. The diver says “Fill er er up, son”. Cletus nods and heads towards the rear of...

I've found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters.

It's shift work.

A gorgeous young woman works at the grocery store. Her job is to climb the ladder to get raisin bread down from the top shelf.

Because she is so attractive, a lot of men who come to the grocery store ask her to get down the raisin bread just so they can see up her skirt when she climbs the ladder, but the woman thinks it's just because raisin bread is really popular.

One day, after the woman had given raisin bread to...

What did the scarecrow say when the farmer asked him how he liked his job?

It's not for everyone but, hey, it's in my jeans.

Disclaimer: I read this joke on here a couple years ago and it's still my favorite.

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New job wants a urine sample everyday

they’re taking the piss

Trying to post on Reddit is like applying for jobs...

99% of the responses you get will begin with "Thank you for your submission! Unfortunately..."

Today I was fired from my job…

I was on a business trip with the young attractive CFO of my company. We checked in at the hotel around the same time and took the elevator up together. After noticing that she was heading to the highest floor, reserved exclusively for their most frequent guests who have stayed with them for over a ...

I just lost my farmhand job...

I was told it was because of my poor thyme management.

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Went for a job interview for a blacksmiths apprentice

I was asked "have you ever shooed a horse before?" I said "no, but I once told a donkey to fuck off"

I was in a job interview.

The man asked me to show him an example of leadership skills.

"OK," I replied. "I'm hired."

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There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read: Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I ...

I got a job as a flasher

The pay's mostly in exposure.

I just lost my job as a stage designer.

I left without making a scene.

I got a great job as a Spokesman,

It's at a bike shop.

I lost my astronomy job at the observatory

No matter how hard I tried I just couldn't stay focused

I got fired from my job at the funeral parlor.

My boss thought "smoking or non smoking?" was an inappropriate way to ask if they wanted cremation.

An owner of a painting company needs to hire a painter for a job he is doing

So he goes down to unemployment to hire a painter. They tell him they don't have any - the only person they have at the moment is a gynecologist. He says that won't do, he needs a painter. They tell him they are sorry. He really needs an extra set of hands so he decides to take the gynecologist.
...

I'm considering a job installing mirrors, the pay isn't great

But it's a job I can see myself doing

I have got to quit my job at the lumber yard

I am SOOO board

If you are not well informed about your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest removed his hand. But, changing...

Why did the man quit his job at the donut factory?

He was fed up with the hole business.

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Would you rather sit on a dick and eat cake or sit on a cake and eat dick?

Interviewer: We meant questions about the job

Job Interview, Got it in my family group

Job Interview.



OFFICER:- What is your name?

Manoj :- M.P. sir

OFFICER:- In full please

Manoj :- Manoj Pandey

OFFICER:- Your father's name?

Manoj:- M.P. sir

OFFICER:- What does that mean?

Manoj:- Madan Pandey

OFFICER:- Your na...

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A guy hadn't gotten any action for a while so he decides to visit a local brothel

"What would you like tonight?” his entertainer asked him.
"Well, I'm not really sure, what do you recommend?” he replied.
"I could give you the best hand job you've ever had, if you don't believe me just look out the window... do you see that Mercedes? I bought that with the money I made just ...

So me and my friend got a summer job...

My friend and I got a summer job at a construction company. On our first day we were told to go to a nearby apartment building that was still under construction, to place some windows on the 28th floor. About an hour in, our colleague trips and suddenly falls out of the window. Dead as a doornail, t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My boss said that salary should not determine job satisfaction.

"Try telling billions of parents that ejaculation should not determine sexual satisfaction," was enough to get me fired.

A Catholic Priest and a Rabbi were chatting one day when the conversation turned to a discussion of job descriptions and promotion

"What do you have to look forward to in way of a promotion in your job?" asked the Rabbi.

"Well, I'm next in line for the Monsignor's job." replied the Priest.

"Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi.

"Well, next I can become Bishop." said the Priest.

"Yes, and then?" asked...

I told my boss that three companies were after me, so I needed a raise in pay to stay in my current job. He asked which companies?

I told him the gas, electric, and phone companies.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man gets an really good paying job at an oil field in northern Alaska.....

after about two weeks the man talks to a coworker and asks him, "So, what do y'all do for fun around here?" The man replies, "If you want you can come with me tonight and I'll show you what we do."

So the man follows him after work to a barren area with nothing for miles but a single barrel i...

Jobs that don't exist anymore..



1. Steve..

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led h...

Joe just got a job as a repairman.

Joe just got a job as a repairman.

His boss tells him, "You're needed at 69th Street, Avenue D to repair a man's fence."

Joe goes and repairs the fence.

Joe gets paid and goes back to the company building.

His boss tells him, "I've got a job for you at 69th Street, Avenue...

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A guy goes into the US Postal Services to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."


"OK, have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."
The interviewer says, "that will give you 5 extra points toward empl...

The Mandalorian fell on hard times and had to take a job in a body building and health food shop. Turns out he was unexpectedly great at it and smashed the commission targets. He'd just direct people to the protein powder section, and say...

..."This is the whey"



(Sorry)

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Albert the village postman is retiring after 50 years on the job

So he puts on his satchel and collects his last mailbag from the post office, and sets out on his last round.

He drops off a few letters at the local library. The librarian smiles and presents him with a leather bound volume of The Complete Works of Charles Dickens: "Here you are, Albert. We...

What do you call a person whose job is paint cars.

Car Painter

Lost my job as an Old West saloon piano player when a mysterious stranger walked in the door

and I just kept playing

This was the year I got all I wanted: a girlfriend, a steady job, and many new friends. All I could want for the next year is...

to be able to post this in a different sub.

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