A mailman notices a mail box with the flag up

So, he opens the box and picks up the letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his day....

Why do you not see black envelopes in the mail?

Because black mail is a crime.

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Retiring mail man

So a retiring mail man is making his route on his last day. He has been working the route for 30 years. He receives a few thank you cards, and some small gifts, which really makes him feel appreciated.

As his day is coming to an end, he comes to one of the final houses. As he puts the mail in...

What is the difference between mail and sail?

The first letter comes earlier in one of them.

My wife just left me

because of my insecurities.

Wait, she's back. Just went out to pick the mail.

A man is explaining to his coworker that he never realized how much his wife loved him until he was home sick from work the previous day.

“Really?” the coworker asks. “What showed you she really loved you?”

“She was just really excited to have me around,” the man replied. “Like when the mailman and FedEx guy came to the door she shouted excitedly, ‘My husband is home! My husband is home!’”

My blond friend once used “GokuBatmanHulkPikachuBakugouLucinaMulanAangBangkok” as his e-mail password.

He said that his password needed 8 Characters with 1 Capital.

I just got a photo from a speeding camera through the mail.

I sent it right back – way too expensive and really bad quality.

The mail gets delivered and...

The mail gets delivered and this busy Mom sees that she has been given mail for her neighbor. She scoops up her baby and goes out to deliver it to the correct house. She walks a couple houses down and pops the mail into the mailbox. Almost immediately her baby starts making a sound like a tuning for...

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There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the...

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What’s the difference between a mail box and a rock?

No clue? Well. I guess you’ll make a shit mailman.

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One Monday morning the postman was walking through the neighborhood on his usual route delivering the mail.

As he approached one of the homes, he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.

His wonder was cut short by Dave, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.

'Wow Dave, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last nig...

Wrong E-mail Address

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they had spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota...

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that...

I was outside getting my mail when I noticed my neighbor cutting his lawn. The mower was loud and he didn’t see that his dog was licking something up by the garage door. Suddenly, the dog began running circles around the front lawn but shortly after he fell to the grass.

“Did he die?”

*No he just ran out of gas*

Scientists invent a new machine to ease the pain during childbirth

The machine transfers the pain a woman feels during labor to the father of the baby, at any percentage rate between 0 and 100%.

The first couple to test it is very excited, they connect the machine to the soon-to-be-mother and warn the husbands about the consequences. "Men are not used to fee...

I bought a 2000's Boy band online for only five cents, but it never came in the mail.

I want my Nickelback

20 years ago I used to be excited to receive an email, but hated getting snail mail.

Now I'm excited to receive snail mail and hate getting emails.

Why don't you see brown envelopes in the mail anymore?

Because everyone knows white mails get through the system faster.

Johnny became a mailman after hearing how they always slept with women as part of the punchline of jokes. He figured he’d tell the jokes to mothers as he dropped of the mail and then sleep with them. He dropped off package after package and told joke after joke, but no mothers ever slept with him.

One day he asked a mother if he’s been mislead by the jokes. Maybe mother’s really never slept with the mailmen and the jokes were misleading.

The mother said, “oh honey, it’s not the jokes, it your delivery.”

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Apparently Donald Trump gets sent, on average, two dog shits in the mail every week.

All I want to know is, who’s sending the other one?

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A man left for a vacation to Jamaica. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail message.

Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving wi...

During the rush of the holiday season, Sarah completely forgot to mail a Christmas card to her best friend.

She hurries into the post office with a card and asks the postal service worker for a first-class stamp.



“Do I have to put this stamp on myself?” she asks.



“No,” the postal employee replies. “You can put it right on the envelope.”

The mailman explained to me why I’m not receiving any mail.

I just don’t get it.

We should use Hillary Clinton's emails to build a wall

Because a lot of people can't seem to get over it.

Just received an e.mail stating $50 dollars to see Cardi B. live.

I'm probably not the right person to spam for these types of ransoms.

I read today that the Prime Minister of Australia receives in the mail, on average, two parcels each week that contain human excrement.

I wonder who's sending the other one?

My thesaurus arrived in the mail today, and it was completely blank

I have no words to describe how angry I am!

What do you call bills that come in the mail?

Fee mail

I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...

“That’s just spam.”

Why don't women work at the post office?

It's a mail dominated industry.

How long do those mail in DNA tests take to receive back?

My son was born with a different skincolor than myself and wife. Just wondering what Recessive traits we're passed down to him. I mailed it off over 6 months ago and still no response....

Something disturbing came in the mail today.

It was the mailman.

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Everyone keeps telling me that I am the worst mailman they have ever seen.

Shit, I meant to post this somewhere else.

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A mail order bride and the butcher . . .

A rich, American man had bad luck with women and finally decided to find a mail order bride from Russia. She arrived a few weeks after his order was made, and they got married and lived happily in a rich Connecticut suburb.

Though the poor lady was not very proficient in English, she did mana...

A farmer had ordered a mail order bride

She arrived by train in the nearest town, so he strapped his horse to his carriage and went to pick her up.

On the way back, the horse stumbles on one leg, and the farmer loudly says "That's one!"

After a little while more, the horse once again stumbles, and the farmer loudly says "Tha...

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During the US Government shutdown, obviously the US Mail is still working...

...because people keep posting the same shit again and again.

The Post Office has been mis-delivering mails lately...

...this issue has to be seriously addressed.

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Joe received a package in the mail with a few stamps on the front. Always the notorious scrooge, Joe peeled off the already used stamps, and then proceeded to stick them onto his own letter.

Upon being handed the mail, the mailman knew exactly what Joe had done, and proceeded to punch him in the face until Joe was rendered unconscious. He was rushed to the ER and pronounced dead the next morning.

At his funeral, many tears were shed and eulogies given. As the ceremony was comi...

How does Anakin Skywalker check his mail?

He uses a C3 PO Box

Stay away from G-mail if you don't want to get shivers down your spine

There's clearly a draft in there.

Me: The mail man told me he was going on holidays to spain...

...so i asked was he going to Parcelona and he continued to ignore what I believe was my best joke of the year.

Dad: Well did you say it right? The key to a good mailman joke is the delivery

Little Johnny was told by his friends that adults have a deep dark secret and can be easily manipulated.

Johnny decides to test it. He comes home, goes up to his mother and says, "Mom, I know everything." Mom shushes him and gives him $10.

"Just don't tell Dad" she says.

*Hey, it's working* thinks Little Johnny.

An hour later, Dad comes home from work. Johnny goes up to him and ...

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My new Asian mail order bride turned up last month.

Sadly, she has all the "Asian" stereotypes.... including a very tiny penis.

Who delivered the mail back when Jesus was alive?

The apostal service

My wife left me because I’m too paranoid.

Edit: she’s back. She was just getting the mail.

When I found out sperm banks were taking deposits through the mail...

I came in a jiffy.

Mail

A man was in his front yard mowing grass, when his attractive blonde female neighbor, Judy, came out of her house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house.
A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mail box, and agai...

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I got a letter in the mail, threatening to kill me if I don't stop sleeping with his wife...

But the bastard didn't say who he was, so I don't know which one to stop sleeping with

I had to return my new mail-order guitar

So I marked it "return to Fender"

Article on the future of L.A. rapper "Post Malone" was withdrawn from print by local mail service.

Or;

Post on post-Post Malone's career and goals was postponed from posting by postal service.

I feel bad for my mail man and hope he finds a boyfriend soon

He doesn't seem too picky or anything, he's just looking for any outgoing male.

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led h...

Why isn’t the mail called femail?

Because if it were femail, it would never come.

So Hillary Clinton logs into her e-mail

[deleted]

I got fired from my mail route today.

They said I wasn't picking up people's mail. I should have seen it coming though, there were red flags everywhere.

Why is it so difficult to move mail?

Because it’s stationary.

I made a joke about undelivered mail today.

Guess I'll have to repost tomorrow.

Got an e-mail today from a "bored housewife 32, looking for some action!"

I've sent her my washing, that should keep her busy.

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The old Mailman

A 65-year old mailman decided it was time to retire. When the small
commmunity he worked for found out, they decided they should do
something nice for him, since he'd served them for the past 45
years.

So, the last day on the job, the mailman went up to the first house,
and the ho...

What do Mexicans send their mail in?

Envelopez.

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A redditor forgot his e-mail password, so he tried to change it. Here's how it went

"penis"

-Password to short-

"bigpenis"

-Password needs to contain at least one number-

"12inchpenisdammit"

-Password needs to contain at least one symbol

"12'penisforfuckssake"

-Passwords needs to contain at least one upper case letter-

"Jesusm...

A man sends some lettuce through the mail

A man likes sending random stuff to his friends through the mail because he finds it funny.
This particular time the man takes some lettuce to the post office to ship to a friend from back home.
He tries to package it up but it won't fit unless he cuts it into smaller peices. He cuts it up and...

Why can't you send sailors through the mail?

You try explaining to the postman why you have a load of seamen for him.

Why can't you e-mail a photo to a Jedi?

Because attachments are forbidden.

How does Voldemort seal his mail?

With his Parceltongue. (...I'll see myself out)

What do you call it when you get iron in the mail?

Female

I had a vasectomy. Did you know that it actually doesn't prevent your wife from getting pregnant it just changes the color of the baby.

Or at least that's what my mailman said.

Did you know if you rearrange the letters in "THE POST OFFICE"

Nobody gets their mail.

A Blonde Checks Her Mail

A man was outside mowing his lawn, when the blonde next door came out and looked in her mailbox. She frowned and went back in.
After a few minutes the blonde came back out and looked in her mailbox again. She had the same reaction and then went in once more. The man was a little confused but...

I was so happy when I got my new thesaurus in the mail. But when I opened it, every page was blank!

Damn.

I have no words to describe how upset I am.

An Arab student e-mails his dad

Dear Dad,

Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here,
but Dad, I am a bit ashamed to arrive at my college with my pure-gold Ferrari 599GTB when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train.

Your son, Nasser.


The next day, Nasser gets ...

Unreceived Mail

A man was pleased to see that the local newspaper was once again hosting it's annual joke contest. Readers from all around the local area would send in jokes, with the top 5 published.

The rules of the competition were simple, all jokes had to be original and had to be written by the sender.<...

Hey Girl, are you a newly opened e-mail account?

Cos I wanna spam up you inbox so hard I leave a trojan inside you.

I greeted the mailman at the door naked

He freaked out. Not so much because of my appearance, more because I knew where he lived.

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What do you call a mail woman that will get a sex change?

A postman

My first thought when I saw the phishing e-mail was "I never opened a Wells Fargo checking account."

My second thought was, "That doesn't mean I don't have one."

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How can you tell if an envelope is gay?

It comes in the mail.

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My mailman got a sex change.

I guess you'd call him a post man now.

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Naked Underneath

Naked underneath
A young man moved into a new apartment on his own, and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation w...

A married couple rushes to the hospital...

because the wife is going into labor. When they arrive, the doctor tells them that the hospital is looking for couples to try out this new machine that transfers a percentage of the mother's pain to the father during childbirth. The couple readily agrees to use it.

When the birthing process s...

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I received a 100 dollar bill in the mail today...

And I'm not paying that shit.

I got received an e-mail from my Buddhist friend...

...it was free from attachments.

Is this the right sub? I need help sending mail.

It seems like everyone knows how to repost here.

I've written a joke about Royal Mail.

This should have been posted a long time ago.

I ordered a mail-order bride from the Czech Republic

Czech mate

Whenever I feel depressed in life.. I open my E-Mail spam inbox

I find:

* 10 banks are giving me easy loans.

* I have won GBP 10000000 and USD 500000 for unknown reasons.

* 10 Job companies have best jobs for me.

* 5 matrimonial sites have most suited matches for me.

* Dr. Batra has claimed that he will cure my hair fall.
...

Little Johnny

At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.” Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth...

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It's Mr. Simon's last mail delivery after 40 years of dedicated service.

And as he arrives at the last house on his route, the number of gifts and tokens of appreciation in his overbrimming mail cart is pretty damned impressive.

And it's not without a tear in his eye that he flips the front door's brass mail slot to push the last delivery of his professional life ...

My son came home from school and I immediately asked him:

"Hey son, what has 4 legs but isn't alive?"

"Dad, you told me that one yesterday" he said, looking annoyed. "It's a chair."

"Not this time son...the mailman ran over your dog today."

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A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch...

It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I ...

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It's crazy how sexist the postal service is.

I guess that's natural with such a mail dominated industry.

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My girlfriend got a letter in the mail.

"This has not been my week," she said to me downheartedly, "Just a few days ago I was diagnosed with dyslexia and now, according to this letter, I've got tiny tits."

"Tinnitus," I replied, "You've got tinnitus."

How do gangsters receive communications?

Gmail

I'm always extra nice to the guy who used to deliver my mail.

I'd hate to get into a fist fight with an ex-professional mail boxer.

The new Trump Administration is re-doing the voice mail prompts at the White House...

Thank you for calling the White House.
For English, press 1.
<silence>

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