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Put Up Jokes

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A gas station owner was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, “Free Sex with Every Fill-Up.”

Rob pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10, and said that if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. Rob said "today is my birthday, i'm feeling LUCKY and I guess 8".

The owner said, “You were very close, the lucky numb...

what sign do you put up when you shut down your brothel?

Beat it, we're closed

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a young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day some builders arrived to put up a house on the lot

The family had a three year old daughter who naturally took some interest in all the activity going on next door.

She hung around on the margins, and eventually the builders adopted her as kind of a mascot. They chatted to her and gave her little pretend jobs to do.

At the end of the w...

Three men applied to put up telephone poles.

The foreman sent them each out with a truck and 20 poles, telling them to come back after 8 hours.

The first man returns and says "I put up 12 poles."

The second man returns and says "I put up 15 poles."

The third man returns and says "I put up 3 poles."

"Three?" asks the...

How do you put up a Reddit fence?

First you put in one post, then you repost, and repost, and repost ....

The organisers of the International Chilli Growers Trade Show put up a fairground as entertainment —

The ChilliCon Carney

Recently a wine aged in space was put up for sale

I wanted to buy it, but the price was astronomical.

What do you call Halloween decoration that's put up too early?

Premature e-jack-o-lantern.

I was going to put up a joke about sodium.

Na, no one will get it

I put up a high-voltage electric fence around my house.

My neighbor is dead against it.

A farmer was fed up with drivers speeding down the road where he lived, so he asked the police to put up a sign...

They put up a "Slow down, speed limit" sign - with no effect. Then, "Danger, road hazard!" sign was put up, but had no effect, either. Then the police tried a sign stating "Children crossing" - and still nobody slowed down.


Finally, the farmer asked the police if he could put up his own ...

Husband and wife are putting up Holiday decorations

when husband offers to hang the wreath. “But sweetums, you are inept and you have no tools,” says the wife. Husband shrugs and goes to Lowe’s to buy a hammer. He walks past a display for the new, Elf Steam Multi-Tool. The marketing was brilliant and it had a drill, three saws, and a sander - all wor...

I don't know why we put up those Halloween decorations at work.

We already have a skeleton crew.

My neighbour has put up a fine mesh barrier between our properties.

I think it's a fence sieve.

The first 5G cell phone mast in town is put up

Suddenly, all sorts of people develop medical conditions. A citizens' initiative against the mast is formed. A public hearing is organized with the mayor and representatives of the telecom company. The people bring forward all the ailments they suffer from since the mast was erected.

The tele...

When I put up my artificial Christmas tree every year I hate bending all the branches back in to shape. This year I advertised on Craigslist for a "fluffer."

Boy, did I get a lot of weird responses.

My wife put up with my culinary experiments until I put ginger in the curry

She loved that cat.

My neighbor put up a sign that said "Huge Garage Sale"

Looks like a normal garage to me.

I put up a hammock between two walls in my house

It really ties the room together

Why did Bob put up a lightbulb next to the kitchen clock?

Because he couldn't find the thyme


.


I'll see myself out

Chuck Norris just put up a new sign outside his house...

It says 'Welcome, Spanish Inquisition!'

PUBG just put up a new update

The game sure is running smoothly now

Instead of a wall we should put up a giant mirror

So when Mexicans try to cross they will read "welcome to Mexico" and turn around.

During World War 2, the Germans on the front line put up a sign "Gott Mit Uns"

The English replied with a sign of their own "We got mittens too"

Real story.

Was told this year I can’t put up my Halloween decoration..

Which is a shame I thought a sign saying “child molester” was really scary.

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So I heard R. Kelly couldn’t even put up $100k for bail.

He’s been pissing away all his money, apparently.

Two days after the city put up a stop sign someone ran it over, now it’s just laying in my yard. They declined my request to send someone out.

They said all re-posts must be at least a month apart.

My girlfriend called me a gullible idiot and said I shouldn't believe everything I see on the Internet

I told her I don't have to put up with this, not when there are desperate single milfs less than a mile away

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I feel sorry for the children of same-sex couples

You either have to put up with twice the number of Dad jokes, or you're stuck in an endless loop of "Go ask your mother".

I tried to put up a photo of myself on eBay...

But there were too many sale fees

Identical twins were put up for adoption and separated at birth...

...20 years later, their biological parents decided to find and meet them.

After many hours of research, they discovered that one child had been adopted by a middle-eastern family and had been named Amal Allamedan, while the other boy had been adopted by a family in Chile and had been named...

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I didn't go to Vietnam and lose a leg to put up with this shit....

But you have both your legs???

LIKE I SAID!

I DID not go to Vietnam and lose a leg!

I tried to start a soccer club so I put up some posters on a local bulletin board.

Just to get the ball rolling.

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(NSFW) A man walks into a bank and says to the the teller, “I want to open a fucking checking account.”

The astonished woman replies, “I beg your pardon, but we don’t tolerate language like that in this bank.”

The teller then leaves the window and walks over to her manager to explain the situation.

The manager agrees that the teller shouldn’t have to put up with that kind of language. <...

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The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”

Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock Cit...

Why did the computer programmer put up his Christmas lights on Halloween?

He always gets DEC 25 and OCT 31 confused.

What do you call a special needs person who is put up for adoption?

A hand-me-down.

For Halloween, my neighbor put up a Wolverine themed scarecrow. And it's terrifying my daughter.

I guess she is claw-straw-phobic...

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These three men went into business together and the first one said: "I put up sixty-five percent of the capital, so I'm the president and chairman of the board."

“I put up thirty percent of the money," said the second, "so I'm appointing myself vice president, secretary and treasurer."

“Well I put up five percent," pointed out the third partner. "What's that make me?"

The chairman said, "I'm appointing you vice president of sex and music." ...

Everything was going great with me and my girlfriend until she told me she used to be a Christian. I wouldn't put up with it, so I dumped her.

Call me judgmental all you want, but I have only known her since she was Christine.

A husband and wife are going out for the evening...

Before going out they always put their cat out for the night.

An Uber arrives to pick up the couple and as they walk out of the house, the cat runs back inside.

The husband goes back into the house to chase the cat out, and the wife walks out to the Uber. She doesn’t want the driver to...

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