UPJOKE
sinceforfromwiththewhenintountiltowardswithinwhereasuponafteramidbefore

During Jokes

Yo mamma’s so fat that during full moon she turns into a ware…

house!

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Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle

He didn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a “for sale” sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 15 years old. It is shiny and in absolute perfect condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condi...

What does Royalty wear during stormy weather?

A Reign Coat.

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They say that during sex...

...you burn off as many calories as running eight miles. Who the hell runs eight miles in 30 seconds?

A beautiful young New York woman was so depressed....

....that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.

But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young sailor stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the sailor. "Look, I’m off to Europe tomorrow and I can stow you away on my ship. I...

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An actual joke that was told by Jews during World War II

An SS man says to a Jew in a concentration camp: "You are to be killed today, but I will give you a chance. One of my eyes is a glass eye. If you can guess which one it is, I will give you your life."

The Jew looks at the SS man and says, "The left one, Herr Corporal."

"That is correct...

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Why do women close their eyes during sex?

Because they can't stand seeing their man have a good time!

What does the judge say when someone farts during trial…

Odour in the court!!!

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Tarzan

Jane always had a certain attraction to Tarzan. So during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.

"Tarzan not know what is sex" he replied.

Jane then explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said ...."Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Stunned by his...

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Bob felt tired all the time, so he decided to go to a doctor to check what causes it.

"Okay Bob, could you describe to me how a normal day looks for you?" asked the doctor.

"Well, the first thing I do when I wake up is fuck my wife.

Then I take a shower, get dressed, have breakfast, and fuck my wife. Then I brush my teeth and fuck my wife before going to work.

...

Beware of BMW owners during the zombie apocalypse.

They’ll never tell you when they’re turning.

On my first day at astronaut training, I vomited and asked the instructor, “Is this normal?”

He said, “Not during a written exam, no.”

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How do you make your wife cry during sex?

You call her

Where does a sheep sit in the car during a road trip?

In the Ba a a ack

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During a good manners and etiquette class being held for young children, the teacher says to her students:

"If you were courting a well-educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?"

Mike replies: "Wait a minute, I'm going for a piss."

The teacher says: "That would be very rude and improper on your part."...

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A Priest takes a cab in New York City

A priest hails a cab in New York City during rush hour and as they're driving, the cabbie's cursing up a storm, flipping off other drivers, and nearly runs over a couple of pedestrians. The priest, uncomfortable with this, says "would you please stop doing this? I'm a man of god. Have some propriety...

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When are men the smartest, before, during, or after sex?

During, because we're plugged into a know-it-all.

An old man was visiting his daughter and grandson

During the visit, the grandson crawled up into his lap and said "Grandpa, can you make a noise like a frog?"

"Why sure!" the man said & offered several croaking ribbit sounds.

Delighted, the boy jumped down and ran over to a nearby closet, working hard to remove a suitcase from th...

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Medicinal Astrology

During his routine medical check, John asked the doctor, " Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life ?"

"I doubt it", said the doctor, "Mercury is in Uranus right now."

John said, " I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."

"Neither do I", replied the doctor, "M...

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How can I improve this joke I wrote?

A man one day hears a buzzing noise from the spare bedroom in his house and when he goes to open the door it's locked. His wife walks out 15 minutes later looking very relaxed and he asks her what that noise was.

She tells him its the new vibrator she bought and its amazing! The next day the ...

What did Sean Connery say when he contemplated converting to Judaism and heard a ram’s horn being blown during a New Year’s service?

Shofar, shogood.

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The winter during hard times is like my penis

Things get harder as we have less clothing.

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I'd been collecting coprolite for years, must have spent thousands, only for some completely useless removal guys to lose the whole collection during my house move.

I wasn't just angry. I completely lost my shit.

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During my visit to Bruxelles over the weekend, I was offered a burger made from insects and everyone assured me it tasted 100% like the real thing.

I thought "Fuck, how do those guys in Belgium know how crickets taste?"

During the Dinner, the mother askss the son:

During the dinner, the mother asks the son:

- What grade did you get at school today?

- I got an A, mom!

The robot slaps him.

- I meant, it was a B!

The robot slaps him again.

- Okay, okay, it was an F!

The mother replies:

- You should be asha...

Good British Humour....

During World War II, many exclusive British Clubs opened their doors to American Servicemen. 

One evening at a 300-year-old Club, an American  NCO stopped a steward  in a hallway and asked, “Hey Mac, where’s the damn Loo?” 

The Steward, who looked like Jeeves replied, “Glad to be of se...

What did Master Yoda attribute to keeping his sanity during all those years of solitude?

He said whatever you can do to pass the time anything to make the day-go-ba

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Don Carlos is 90 years old and lives in an old age retirement nursing home.

Every night after dinner, he secludes himself at the far-end of the garden.

One night, Juanita, 80 years old, approaches him. They start chatting about life and old age, and after a while, he says to her,

"You know what I miss most of all ?"

\*What ?" asks Juanita.

"SEX !...

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During the raid of Hitler's residence, a Nazi is asked at gunpoint, "Where is Hitler's stash?"

"Is under nose." the Nazi replies.

Disturbance in church

A priest talks to a man who visits church religiously every sunday with his wife. The wife tends to fall asleep during his monologue and starts snoring rather loudly, and he'd like the husband to do something about it. They decide to use a knitting needle, where the husband would poke her when the p...

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Classic gift

A young man wished to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, as they had not been dating very long. After careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note... romantic, but not too personal.


Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went...

A man crashes his car next to a monastery...

The monks help him to fix his car but it'll take at least a day, so he's offered to stay for the night in a good warm bed and with good warm food.

During the night, he can hear strange noises coming from the caves, loud enough to wake him up. He asks the nearby monks what those noises are, bu...

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A tea aficionado named “Patrick”…

A tea aficionado named Patrick moved to London to have a wide variety of teas available at his corner store. But that wasn’t enough. He soon began to use all the money he earned to travel the world to taste different styles of tea.

Obviously, he first went China many times, and backpacked to...

Why could Leonard Bernstein never go outside during a thunderstorm?



He was a very good conductor.

A gynecologist had become fed up and was burned out, he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, he prepared carefully and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of
150%. Fearing an...

Boss tells his new worker:

“You work really slow, you walk really slow, I watched you during lunch and you ate your sandwich really slowly too! Is there anything you can do fast!?”

The worker replays: “I get tired really fast!”

found on an e-mail from2004 from my uncle who has sinced passed r.i.p. jack!(long,somewhat nsfw)

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now enjoy it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives of...

A friend of mine gets a big raise every year. His secret? Always negotiate on a rainy day.

I thought it was crazy. I should've left it at that. But I'm a sucker for a good misconception… and I was due for a raise.

I waited for a nice rainy day. Not a misty day, or a drizzle. It had to be full-on rain. Inevitably, the day arrived and I requested a meeting with my boss. He listened i...

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Two brothers learn to swear

And they recently learned the F word. So during breakfast, one morning, they figured it would be cool to try it out on their dad. When Dad asked “hey kids, what would you like for breakfast?”, the eldest boy responds “Dad. Give us a bowl of fucking Wheaties!”.

Angered by this response the da...

Why do woman have such bad memories during their period?

Because one day bleeds into the next.

A mosquito was flying around an Oscars party.



First it bothered Emma Watson, then it landed on Natalie Portman. It then flew over to pester Jessica Alba and finally Gal Gadot before it was caught by security. During its interrogation, it confessed "I can't help it. I'm a sucker for a pretty face."

I hate when during a dinner party someone brings up how inhumane killing cows is.

They really know how to kill the moo

"Oh no, the rubber ripped!"

\- Alissa (24 years old) panics, jumps up from bed, and runs into bathroom

\- Manuel (25) needs new tires for his car

\-Lara (27) now has *no* pony-tail

\- Ben (28) holds his covid-mask to his face in the bus

\-David (29) watches his friend during bungee-jump

Why is Pride month in the summer, rather than during the autumn season?

Because the Pride comes before the fall.

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My girlfriend kept going "Sssshhh" during sex last night.

I think she may have a puncture.

Odd how you can only send mail during the day.

They are called post office hours, after all.

What do law enforcement personnel sing during Christmas?

Police navidad

Based on a true story

During the liberation of Kuwait many Kuwaitis named their children that were born during that time with related names to the event.

One of those names were, and I kid you not, "George Bush". Not as in George and the dad bush but literally a single first name George Bush.

Now this guy...

I was about to proposeto my girlfriend...

A couple of years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but...

William of England

William of England was visiting France with several of his friends. During his trip, however, he fell deathly ill. His last wish was to see the king of France before he died, and his friends decided to do their best to make it happen. They raced across the country, carrying their dying friend, and a...

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what would a combat pilot with erectile dysfunction will say to his wife during sex?

Mayday, mayday, mayday, Cobra is going down.

Edit: please don't kill me.

Chuck Norris got his wife pregnant

During foreplay

My grandma flaps her legs during her seizures

We all get a kick out of it

Password audit

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"

When asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

My grandpa died from a heart attack over the summer and I feel at least partially responsible.



He was having trouble navigating Amazon because they have so many different things available. I suggested that when he wants to buy something he should look for a more focused website so it's easier to find things.

But if it wasn't for me, during the heatwave back in August he never ...

An owl gets thirsty

An owl gets thirsty during his evening flight. He spots a group of 13 male owls hanging out in a tree and approaches them.

"Hey, I'm thirsty", he hoots, "Know any good bars around here to get a drink?"

"No", they hoot back, "But we're thirsty too. We'll go searching for a place to drin...

A barrister questions the coroner during a trial

Barrister: So Mr Tolbol was dead prior to the commencement of the autopsy?

Coroner: Very much so.

Barrister: How did you know he was dead?

Coroner: His brain was in a jar on another table.

Barrister: Okay, but even with the brain removed, was it possible he could still be...

Austrian humor

*One time back in the 1980s when I was living in Austria, a bunch of us went out for a beer. During the chit-chat, an American friend of mine named Margie insisted that Austrian jokes weren't funny. Her (Austrian) boyfriend Werner disagreed. Margie said, "Well, tell that mouse joke of yours." Werner...

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What did Richard Spencer say when he got punched during an interview?

I did nazi that coming!

Police found a large number of dead crows on the A251 just outside Ashford yesterday morning, and there was concern that they may have died from Bird Flu...

A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and it's been confirmed the problem was not Bird Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts, however, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.

By analysing...

A Ukrainian prisoner of war is being interrogated by a Russian officer.

During their conversation, the Ukrainian notices that the Officer has only one boot.

He asks, “Did you lose a boot?”

The Russian replies “Nyet. I found a boot”

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The Penis Study

In 1991, Duke University funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the Man more pleasure during sex. After Duke published the study, Stanford decided to ...

During a trial the defendant says "Your Honor, I believe that someone who saw his father die from the hands of a man he trusted most, and then witnessed the same thing happen to his mother, deserves to be granted a more lenient sentence".

The judge replies: "Sir, while I appreciate your concern, I do not think this line of thought applies to murdering your own parents."

Christmas time.

Yesterday i saw a man giving money and mobile to person having only knife. People are so nice during christmas time.

A Nasty Divorce

On the first day, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things. On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on some soft background music, and feaste...

There's only three times in the year that I'll consume alcohol.

Before work, during work and after work.

How the Angel Came to be on Top of the Christmas Tree

There had been no snow during the entire month of November, and there
didn't appear to be coming any snow any time soon, either. The elves in
the bicycle department had been on strike since October, and there was the
possibility that the elves in the doll department might join them.
...

A woman goes to the doctor for a routine checkup

During the examination she asks the gynecologist if she can tell a joke.

The doctor says "yes"

The woman says "knock knock"

"Who's there"

"Oh, nevermind, you're already inside"

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[OC] A gorgeous bartender puts up a sign that says “Men: ask me about your beards”

The first day a man walks up to the bar, orders his drink, then inquires about the sign. “What did you wanna know about my beard?”, the man with a long fluffy beard asks.

“Well darlin, I’m lookin’ for a special kind of man”, the bartender says. “The kind that can tickle the inside of my thig...

Brittney Griner and Viktor Bout are talking during prisoner exchange, arguing about who lives in a freer country.

Brittney says, "America is the best! I can go to the White House, demand to see the president, and tell him I don't like the way he's running this country."

"Big deal," Viktor says, "I can do that too."

"You can?" Brittney says.

"Sure," says Viktor. I can walk up to the Kremlin...

You Know You're A Northneck (Northern Redneck) If......

Your rusty vehicle's resale value only goes up if you remember to put the snow tires on them during the winter.

You ever got into a shouting match based on which college hockey team you're a fan of.

You've ever used expired gas station sushi as bait for ice fishing.

(You're re...

Two brothers are knights, and one is kidnapped by a foul witch

The older brother goes to rescue his brother from the clenches of the awful witch. When he arrives, he points his sword at her and demands that she let his brother go.

"You cannot kill me with that sword, pitiful knight," she says, "for I am far too powerful. You must offer me something in ...

A lawyer, Jones, is questioning his witness, Smith, during a murder trial.

Jones: Mr Smith, can you tell us what the deceased said before he died?

Smith: Yes, I can. He said...

Judge: Now hold on a minute. I'm not sure if it could be considered hearsay if I allowed Mr Smith to continue.



This led to a long argument between both lawyers and the j...

During a show, a magician asked for a volunteer from the audience and a blonde walked up to the stage.



"Think of a number between 1 and 10," he said.

Silence.

After a moment he cleared his throat.

Nothing.

After another moment he asked the blonde, "Are you ready?"

She started crying and said, "If you keep interrupting me I'll never be able to come up with on...

What's more useful, the sun or the moon?

The moon. Because the sun only shines during daytime, when it's bright anyway, whereas the moon shines at night.

Little known fact: as a joke, Peter Jackson made some of the Ents drink tea and chat in the background during the big fight scene at Isengard in the Two Towers

In other words, the real joke is in the calm Ents.

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Mick buys himself a Harley Davidson…

Before he rides off on it, the dealer tells him that if it rains he should put vaseline on all of the chrome parts to preserve the look.

Mick takes his girlfriend to her parents’ house for dinner on the Harley. When they arrive, his girlfriend says that they do not speak at the dinner table d...

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My feline died after being crushed during a cute butt contest

It was a cat ass trophy.

I finally caught her.

I jumped into a cab and asked the driver to follow my wife's car. From a safe distance, I saw her turn into the motel parking lot. I told the cabbie, "I'll pay you an extra $100 if you go in there and bring her out."
Without hesitating, he jumped out of the car and trotted to the motel. After a f...

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A man goes to a psychiatrist

A man goes to a psychiatrist for a variety of psychological issues.

During the interview the subject of sex comes up.

The doctor asked him how often do you have intercourse with your wife?
Three times a week he replied.

And what's your favorite position that you both enjoy?...

Deficiency

A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease.

"Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"

"That's easy," he...

White House dinner.

During a dull White House dinner, Melania Trump leaned over to chat with Secretary of State, Tillerson.
"I bought Donald a parrot for his birthday. That bird is so smart, Donald has already taught him to say over two hundred words!"
“Very impressive," said Tillerson, "but, you do realize h...

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Paleontologist discovers rare Coprolite

In archeological news, an paleontologist discovered a rare collection of Coprolite during a dig in Arizona. Coprolite is the fossilized digestive waste of a dinosaur, and its discovery indicates that they are likely to find dinosaur bones in the area, and at that depth.

Incidentally, the pal...

A woman sees her doctor about ongoing abdominal pain and cramps.

She's nervous during the examination, fearing that she may be pregnant. The doctor brings back her test results and says, "It looks like you'll have to get used to changing diapers from now on."

"Oh my god, I'm pregnant?" she asks, nearly in tears. "Am I pregnant?"

The doctor replies, ...

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My son went over to check out a construction project at our neighbor's and it reminded me of this classic...

Little Johnny is bored and asks his dad for something to do.

"Go across the street to that construction site and talk to the workers. Maybe you'll learn something," his dad said.

Johnny was gone all day and finally comes home for dinner. During the meal, Johnny's dad asked, "you were a...

A senior citizen called her husband...

... during his drive home, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 90, Please be careful!"

Herman said, "It's not just one car. There’s hundreds of them!"

I meet my friend at a clothing store

I was looking for some clothes at a clothing store when I come across my mate.

When we made eye contact, he was was checking the T-shirt he’s about to buy on his left hand and its hanger taken off on his right hand.

He then raises his right hand to attempt to ‘dab’ me up.

The ...

A plane is sitting at the terminal and is supposed to leave shortly

Departure seems to be taking ages, and the passengers are growing restless. Eventually a staff member says on the PA system:

"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay to your journey today. During preflight checks the pilot wasn't happy with the noise coming from the left engine, so w...

An unhappy couple go to a marriage counselor

He tries to work with them, but they absolutely refuse to talk about anything in front of each other. The counselor gets fed up, gets his bass out, and starts playing it.

The couple sit there looking at each other dumbfounded. The counselor keeps playing. After several minutes of this, the c...

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John was visiting Germany when he met a local named Gunther.

They immediately struck up a friendship and began chatting. After a pleasant chat John asked Gunther what he did for a living. Gunther explained “while, I am the creator of the minions from the Despicable Me franchise.” “Wow, that is so cool, John says excitedly.” “My son loves those little guys. On...

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What do pirates sing during fellatio?

"Wey hey, blow the man down."

Lesson

A pastor was giving the children's message during church.

For this part of the service, he would gather all the children around him and give a brief lesson before dismissing them for children's church.

On this particular Sunday, he was using squirrels for an object lesson on indust...

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations,the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has acc...

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A priest is in a hurry...

He runs from his home and hails a cab. When he gets in he tells the taxi driver "I'm in a huge hurry, if I don't get to the airport in 20 minutes I will miss my flight!"

"No problem" Says the taxi driver and then he floors it. He drives like a maniac through the city, dogging in and out of tr...

The last wish

A dying man gathered his Lawyer, Doctor, and Clergyman at his bedside and handed each of them an envelope containing $25,000 in cash.

He made them each promise that after his death and during his repose, they would place the three envelopes in his coffin.

He told them that he wanted ...

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9 out of 10 men keep their eyes closed during sex

I have to keep mine open to look out for my wife

The preacher's sermon was about the ten commandments.



When he got to "thou shalt not steal", he noticed that Scott was looking all around him, but when he got to "thou shalt not commit adultery", Scott started smiling.

After the service the preacher asked Scott what he was thinking during the sermon. Scott said, "When you talked about s...

A young couple was getting ready to give birth to their first child,

and they had determined that the child should not be named until after it was born, so that they could meet it and make the name based on that first magical moment. On the day of the birth, a beautiful baby girl was born and the parents were instantly smitten.

"It's 'Love.'" said the mother....

Jack and Jim are on sentry duty during the first World War, when Jim says, "You know how we're on a bonus of a dollar for every German we capture?"

"Yes," says Jack. "Well don't tell anyone," says Jim, "but there's $5000 worth coming over that hill."

A blonde called her car customer service saying she could only drive her car during the day. During the night, it didn't move at all.

A mechanic comes and after an inspection couldnt find anything wrong.

"You sure you put the right fuel?"
"Yup. Petrol"

Eventually, he asks her if shes using the right gears.

She says, "Of course, I'm not stupid. I'm using D during the day and N during the night"

Benny the Viking

Benny was your typical Viking. Strong, tall and courageous, he was the ideal viking in every way, except for one.

See, Benny couldn’t grow a beard. For all his 30 winters on Earth, he still had just as smooth a face as the day he was born.

This bothered Benny, because when he was out p...

Where were you last night already?

Late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their “secret” base.

They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot’s story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted t...

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why don't vegans moan during sex?

They don't want to admit a piece of meat makes them happy

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The scientific experiment

Three international urologists were arguing amongst themselves as to why the head of a man’s penis is larger in circumference than the shaft.

At the end, they decided to go back to their respective countries and perform sexual scientific experimentation, and then share their written conclusi...

What kind of coffee did Italians most enjoy during the 1940s?

Oppresso.

A crocodile is walking to the Roman Colosseum, where a gladiator duel is scheduled to take place.

Along the way, he runs into a serial killer.

The crocodile, being a crocodile, is unconcerned and promptly proceeds to devour her alive before continuing on his merry way to the Roman Colosseum.

He makes it there just fine, and enjoys a gladiatorial match for the ages- a feast for the ...

War

A Dutchman in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so he went to his Priest.

“Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII, I hid a Jewish man in my attic.”

“Well,” answered the Priest, “That's not a sin.”

“But I made him pay me 20 gulden for each week he stayed...

A guy walks into a bar

A guy walks into a bar during the town's annual Halloween celebration. "I'd sure like to try out that giant corn maze they set up, but I'm afraid I'd get lost and kill half the day in there," the guy tells the bartender. "There is actually a guide you can hire that will take you through the entire l...

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My girlfriend wanted to roleplay as a magician during sex

It was fun until she hid my balls and shoved her rabbit up my ass

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A woman was cheating on her husband with 3 guys.

During one night she noticed that her husband came home earlier. She told the guys to hide in the sacks. When her husband entered the room he asked "What are these sacks doing here?". The woman answered "Well, my relatives came by and left these as a present.".

The man walked towards the firs...

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I caught my coworker watching porn during our meeting

He said this is his home security camera

King Charles has a realistic chance of breaking one of Queen Elizabeths most famous records:

The record number of 15 prime ministers during her reign.

Macbeth’s fortune

Liz Truss: Devil granted me the wish that I will meet a king and a queen during my time as PM. Hence I will be the longest serving PM!

God: That may not be the only way to look at it Liz.

I was on a blind date with a woman, and during our dinner conversation....

....she said, "You know, I used to be a Christian."

I told her that was fine, it really didn't matter to me.

She said, "Good. Because I'm much more comfortable as a Christine."

Is anyone else terrible at remembering names?

I tried a new strategy with a guy I met recently. I was told to repeat someones name 3 times during introduction. He introduced himself to me with “Hi my names Jathon.” I reply. “Hey Jathon. That’s a really interesting name. Jathon. Where did your parents come up with Jathon?” He says “No need to be...

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Guys without balls applies for a job

"You're hired! Report tomorrow at 8am"
\- Thanks! There's just one detail I'd like you to know about me. I lost my balls during the war. But I can otherwise function perfectly fine.
"Ah ok, then you can come tomorrow at 9am"
\- Sir, I appreciate the consideration, but I do not expect ...

Two generals

During WWII, the German and Italian General were standing on a cliff in Northern France, watching as the Allied Troop carrier ships were approaching the coast.

The German General yelled,

\- “Capitan, bring me my red coat.”

The surprised Italian General said,

\- “But a w...

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A man goes to the doctor

A man goes to the doctor and says ‘doctor, my wife & I have been married 30 years, and have enjoyed a very active sex life up until now, but I can no longer get it up. I’ve tried every pill going, is there anything you can do?’

The doctor explains that there is an experimental surgery ava...

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Ladies night

Two ladies, neighbors, go out for drinks one night. The cocktails taste great and when it’s time to go home they decide to walk as they both had too much to drink. At some point during the walk they both have to pee really urgently. There isn’t a bathroom nearby, but a little later they pass by a ce...

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What did one peanut say to the other peanut during sex?

Ugh, Imma legume!

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This is the last straw,I'm now divorcing my wife. At first,it was some drunken one night stand during business trip, then it was her boss, our pool guy, pizza delivery guy , her very own stepbrother and even my own best friend...

I just can't stop sucking cocks ..

The Train

A few months ago, my wife and I were taking a nice walk down an old dirt road during the heat of the summer day. All of a sudden, I stopped and looked around. My wife was a little hesitant as to what I was doing. I slowly moved towards the railroad tracks ahead of us and knelt down, putting my han...

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Scoutmaster

Dear Dad & Mom,

Our scoutmaster told us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 Sleeping bags got washed away.

Luckily, none of us got drowned because we we're all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happen...

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That is what we sell to Australia

An Australian man was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.

The Australian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.

The American snapped his gum and said,

\- "...

Little Johnny joke.

During the concert little Johnny sits in the front row waiting for the concert to begin.

A friend asks: "Johnny, how did you manage to get a ticket to the concert?"

Johnny replies: "I got a ticket from my sister."

The friend asks: "And where is your sister?"

Johnny says: ...

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"Bedroom" is an anagram of "Boredom"

How cool is that? My girlfriend discovered it during sex.

An Englishman goes to see a doctor...

An Englishman goes to the doctor and says "please doc, I really, really want to be Irish"
The doctor replies "I can definitely do it but I'll need to cut out half your brain"
"That's fine doc - whatever you need to do, please just make me Irish" the Englishman responds.
After the surgery, t...

I told my girlfriend I didn't see her blink during foreplay.

She said she didn't have time.

It cost 2 pence to use the public toilet in England during the Elizabethan Era.

2p or not to pee, that is the question.

Zelensky and Putin both die during peace talk bombings

As they regain their senses, they find themselves in front of the gates of Heaven. Shortly after that Saint Peter approaches them and says: „Welcome to the gates of Heaven. While I guess we all know where you two belong to respectively, I‘m sorry to inform you we have some formalities to go through ...

What’s the most underrated joke you’ve heard in a movie?

Mine is from The Hangover:

Alan: I can't afford to lose somebody close to me again, it hurts too much. I was so upset when my grandpa died.

Phil: How'd he die?

Alan: World War II.

Phil: Died in battle?

Alan: No, he was skiing in Vermont, it was just during World Wa...

Make your own breakfast

Two youthful artists having a studio in Philadelphia, wherein they not only work but lodge as well, were obliged to make shift, not long ago, during a period of financial stress, with such meals as they could themselves prepare in the studio.

One morning, as the younger of the two was 'sketch...

Good created Dog….

When God created the world, he also created the dog, the monkey, and the cow. Told through the eyes of the dog, the monkey, and the cow, and their conversations with God during creation, life is explained simply.

God Created the Dog
On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all...

I got a job at Chipotle by telling this joke during my interview.

What do Mexicans use to cut their pizza with?

Little Ceasars.

During an interview the potential employer asked the young man “What you consider to be your greatest weakness"?

The job applicant replied “Honesty.”
The interviewer commented "Honesty? I don’t think honesty is a weakness.”
The young man replied “I don’t care what you think!”

The rich alligator collector and his beautiful daughter

Once there was a rich man who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool behind his mansion. He also had a beautiful single daughter.

So, one day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces: "My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give ...

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A married couple invites some friends over for dinner...

...while the wife is preparing food and talking with the other women the husband chats with the male guests. During conversation, the husband asks his wife: "Honey, do you remember the name of that place we went last summer?" The wife promptly answers. Few minutes later' the husband calls his wife a...

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Antonio dreamt of meeting the Pope

He put on his best Armani suit to attend mass at the Vatican. In the row of pews in front of him, Antonio noticed a bum in dirty, raggedy clothes. During the processional the Pope came up the aisle acknowledging and reaching out to people along the way. Sure enough the Pope headed toward Antonio. He...

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What do you call a sailor who likes to get tied up and gagged during sex?

A submarine

A homeless man walks into a job interview..

A homeless man walks into an interview for a truck driver position, the interview goes well.
The inteviewer said: well, I you meet our standards, just the last thing; what is your email address?
By which the homeless man replied: Sir, I don't own a computer, so I don't have an email address....

During the summer a local police station developed a mosquito problem

They deployed the swat team.

A man walks by a homeless guy holding a sign that says "hungry and homeless, I was a vet! "

The homeless guy tells the man that he had lost his job due to the government screwing him for something he did during his service, so the man gives him some change and thanks him for his service.

As the man walks away the homeless guy yells "WHAT'S SO BAD ABOUT DOCTOR-PATIENT RELATIONSHIPS ...

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My wife moans loudly during sex

I can hear her all the way from the bar.

An Aussie in the trenches

An Australian soldier is sent to the front lines in France during World War 1 and the gruff American general meets him saying “alright private this is the roughest spot in Europe now. Did you come here to die?! The Aussie says “Naw mate I came yes to die”

A parachutist friend of mine was able to record a joke on his GoPro during his tragic last skydive saying that he'd 'had a great summer but was expecting an even better fall'.

He certainly hit the ground punning!

A visit to the mint

A guy goes to visit the US mint to see how currency is created. During the tour he notices half the machines are not running. He decides to ask the tour guide what’s going on. The tour guide shakes his head and says, “Yesterday everything was working just fine, today it’s only printing bills, it jus...

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into the large Catholic neighborhood.

On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday during Lent.

On the last Friday of Lent the neighborhood men got together and decided that something just HAD t...

Why does a robot do during a one night stand?

Nuts and bolts

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A breakup!!

A couple was going through a rough breakup. The guy was asking the girl to return all the gifts/things/whatever he gave the girl. The girl returned them all.

In the end he says "what about the blood I gave you in hospital during your accident?"

She throws a tampon at his face and says ...

Came home with marksheet

During my school days, I came home with a mark sheet showing 90 marks scored by me in an exam hoping to get compliments from my Dad.

However, once my dad took a glance of it, he said I added the 0 on the Mark Sheet to make it 90 and whacked me to kingdom heaven.

I told him honestly t...

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