UPJOKE
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During Jokes

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How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex?

Call and tell her about it.

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Why don't vegetarians moan during sex?

Because they don't want to admit that a piece of meat makes them happy.

Two men were washed ashore during WWI.

Their ship, an aging minesweeping model, had wrecked off the coast of an uninhabited island. As the older veteran worked to build a makeshift camp, the younger soldier managed to salvage a radio, and quickly telegraphed an SOS with their coordinates.

To their surprise, a ship responded withi...

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Things you can say during sex and at a funeral. I’ll go first....

Even with all of her health issues, I'm glad grandma was able to come.

Whats the worst thing to hear during open heart surgery?

Anything

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What can you say at dinner and also during sex?

In ‘n Out or Five Guys?

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My wife called out another man's name during sex

If I ever find out who this "Ron Hole" is, I'm going to kill him

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Many years ago during my married days, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay? What's your name?"

"It's John, and I'm okay, thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.

"John," she said, (firm loose breasts undula...

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What's the worst thing you can say during sex?

Awww, and to think, in just six hours you'll have been cremated.

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A guy chats with his milkman during the weekly daily delivery.

"You should've seen yesterday's party, it was great. There was me, my wife and many couples in the neighborhood. By the end we were completely hammered."

"Oh yeah? How did it go?" The milkman inquires.

"Well, we got so drunk that we got the idea for a little game. The men went into ano...

Ever wonder how a Jehovah’s Witness spreads their word during Covid?

Now that you’re here, do you have a moment to talk about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?

During an interview, my boss-to- be said that she only had 3 openings

I said "I know"

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What's the most sensitive part of a man's body during masturbation?

His ears.

A linguistics professor says during a lecture

A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, “In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.”

But then a voice from the back of th...

Why did Jesus look so ripped during Crucifixion?

CrossFit

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During my check-up

I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?"

He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now."

I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."

He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."

I asked my masseuse if it was normal to get an erection during my massage

He said it was perfectly normal. I said, “Ok, but could you at least stop bumping it into me?”

Tide has some serious ad time during the superbowl this year

Must be able to afford it after cornering the teenage snack food market

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What’s something you can hear in both a doctor’s office and during sex?

You might feel a little prick.

What is the scientific name for anti-vaxxers during a pandemic?

The control group.

During a biology exam a student has to list three pros of breast milk.

He's unprepared, but starts looking for common sense answers and writes down:

- Contains all the nutrients a baby needs,

- Doesn't need heating,

But he still needs one more. And just as the time is about to run out, the student writes:

- Has great packaging.

During a funeral...

The pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall and hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find out that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for 10 more years and then dies. There is another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.
As they are wal...

During my job interview I was asked: “After a long week how do you normally recharge your batteries?”

"Through high voltage nipple clamps” wasn’t the answer they were expecting

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I broke up with my girlfriend because she screamed too much during sex

Sometimes I could hear it two blocks away

Why did Han Solo cry during his steak dinner?

Because it was Chewie.

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A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "It's dark in here."
The man says, "Yes,...

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My girlfriend kept going "Sssshhh" during sex last night.

I think she may have a puncture.

My Grandfather downed 35 German aircraft during WW2

He still holds the record as the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

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During WW2, three generals were arguing who had the bravest soldiers.

The British general called one of his men over.

“Private! See that nazi tank in the minefield there? Go destroy it.”

“Yes, Sir!” The soldier replied and started running.

He ran across the unmarked minefield until within range of the tank with his anti-tank weapon, took aim and f...

Aristotle, Plato and Socrates walk into a café during the decline of the greek empire.

Aristotle, Plato and Socrates walk into a café during the decline of the greek empire. The barista asks each of them why they think the empire is falling.

Aristotle gives a powerful speech about how the empire has failed to live up to its telos and deconstructs the very nature of what an em...

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I apologised to my girlfriend during sex for slipping it in the wrong hole

But of course she couldn't hear me with my dick in her ear.

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
'What's the matter,...

Angela Merkel, Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump are shot during a conference and die...

Up in the sky, they are greeted by Saint Peter who says: ‚You have died. As you are politicians, surely you have sinned. Therefore you must wade through the Swamp of Lies before you can go to Heaven and join Him in eternal happiness.‘

As in her former life, Merkel wants to tackle every challe...

My wife screamed in pain during labor...

"What's wrong, honey?" I asked.

"*What's wrong*!?" she screamed. "These contractions are going to kill me!!"

"I am sorry, babe," I replied. "*What is* wrong?"

My grandfather says he survived mustard gas and pepper sprays during war.

He's a seasoned veteran.

My grandpa destroyed 12 German planes during WW2.

He was, without a doubt, the worst mechanic in the history of Luftwaffe

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Xi Jinping was on his balcony during the early morning, admiring all that Bejing has become

He inhaled a sweet breath of fresh Bejing air and looked East to see the sun smiling down.

"Hello, Sun", said Xi Jinping.

The sun replied "Hello Glorious Leader, the architect of a grand Communist Utopia. Best wishes leading your already prosperous nation."

Xi Jinping, despite h...

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What are the three words your wife dont want to hear during sex?

Honey Im home!

If Queen Elizabeth accidentally farts during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend like nothing happened.

Noble gases should have no reaction.

What's the worst thing to feel during a prostate exam?

2 hands on your shoulders

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I hate when a girl says the wrong name during sex

They know my name isnt Someone Help

Two scientists were walking around in Russia during winter

Scientist one: It's really cold outside, how many degrees?

Scientist two: it's -40°

Scientist one: Celsius or Fahrenheit?

Scientist two: Yes.

During my interview today…

I poured some water into a cup and it overflowed a little bit.

“Nervous?” asked the interviewer.

I simply replied “No, I just always give 110%”

During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants"?

"Over there by mine", was not the answer I was expecting.

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Just saw Amber Heard try to fake cry during the trial.

Can’t really tell if she’s a shitty actress or just a shitting actress.

*During an interview* Interviewer: 'So how long were you employed in your last job?'

Candidate: 'I'd say my biggest weakness is my listening skills.'

I was on a blind date with a woman, and during our dinner conversation....

....she said, "You know, I used to be a Christian."

I told her that was fine, it really didn't matter to me.

She said, "Good. Because I'm much more comfortable as a Christine."

I made a virtual bubble wrap to keep you all busy during quarantine. There might be some irregular bubbles, but that is normal.

>!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!Nev!< >!er !< >!Gon!< >!na !< >!Giv!< >!ve !< >!You!< >!Up,!< >!Nev!< >!er !< >!Gon!< >!na !< >!Let!< >!You!< >...

Someone threw a beer at President Trump during last nights National Championship Game.

It was a draft, so he easily dodged it.

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An actual joke that was told by Jews during World War II

An SS man says to a Jew in a concentration camp: "You are to be killed today, but I will give you a chance. One of my eyes is a glass eye. If you can guess which one it is, I will give you your life."

The Jew looks at the SS man and says, "The left one, Herr Corporal."

"That is correct...

My grandfather killed 30 german planes during World War 2

He was easily the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

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My son asked me, “Dad, why is it important to use a condom during sex?’

I said, “Usually, it’s to avoid answering questions like this.”

AITA for calling my husband “my hoagie” during BDSM roleplay when I was supposed to call him “my hero”?

Oops! Wrong, sub.

During English class the teacher asks Little Johnny "have you ever heard of the word contagious before?"

"Of course miss" Johnny replies "my father actually said it when we were talking yesterday".

"Can you repeat it for the class and tell us how he used it in a sentence?"

"Yes, miss. We were watching the neighbour take his garbage out when his bin tipped over spilling rubbish all over ...

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A man had some trouble lasting during sex

The doc told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it."

He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He con...

4 comrades go to a Soviet hotel for a night during a business trip...

As they walk into their room, 3 of them, whip out some vodka, food and cigarettes and begin to make jokes about the government and be very loud indeed. The 4th one is trying to get some meaningful sleep and knowing that it would be fruitless to ask them to stop, hatches an ingenious plan.
He goes...

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My grandad was responsible for bringing down several Nazi planes during WW2.

The Luftwaffe said he was the worst mechanic they ever employed.

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They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running eight miles.

Who the hell runs eight miles in 30 seconds?

The fly remained undecided during the debate.

He was..

On the Pence

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A husband says to his wife, "Why don’t you tell me when you orgasm during sex?"

She replies, "I don’t like calling you when you’re at work."

During Mass, an elderly woman said into her husband's ear:

"I've just had a quiet fart, act like it's nothing..."

Her husband replied: "I'm not going to do anything now, but in the end we're going to buy new batteries for your hearing aid."

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A guy gets horny during his first week on a pirate ship...

So he goes up to the captain and asks "What do you guys use when you get horny?"



The captain says: "There's a barrel over there with a hole in it; we use that".

Guy: "Great when can I use it?"

Captain: "You can use it any day of the week, except Tuesday".

G...

I've got a meeting with the guy that invented the progress bar during the era of dialup internet. He's going to be here in 2 hours and 13 minutes.

Edit: Apparently he's stuck in traffic and he's going to be here in 6 hours 54 minutes.

Edit2: He's making better progress than thought, he will be here in 12 minutes.

Edit3: Apparently it will now take him 5 days

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I'm dating an English teacher who keeps correcting my grammar during sex.

She gets particularly annoyed about my improper use of the colon.

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During sex with my wife,

I suddenly stopped and didn't move. She said "What the hell are you doing?"


And I was like "Hush, I saw this on Pornhub, it's called buffering."

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During my prostate exam, my doctor told me it’s perfectly normal to become aroused and even ejaculate.

That being said, I still wish he hadn’t.

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I love that clapping sound during sex.

It's nice when people appreciate public displays of affection.

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Stuck in their apartment with their kid during the COVID quarantine, the Smith’s are desperate to fuck...

So they send little Johnny out on the balcony with a popsicle and a notebook with the directions to log what all the neighbors are up to during the quarantine.

After they finished with their twenty minute *alone time,* Mr. Smith lets Johnny back in from the balcony. ”So, Johnny, what did you...

I used to make jokes at work during meetings, and I could really get people laughing. Then COVID hit, and all our meetings were online. I'd still make jokes, but no one would laugh...

Not one. At first, I thought it was just because everyone was muted. It turns out, they didn't find me remotely funny.

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During sex, my girlfriend yelled Hurt me! Hurt me!

So I said, “it’s a real shame Fluffy got run over by that car”

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When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was instantly attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him if he had ever had sex. "Tarzan not know sex." he replied.

Jane explained to him what it was.

Tarzan said, "Ohhh...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground.

"Here." she said, pointi...

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My girlfriend took of her shirt and bra during an argument where i was winning...

It was a booby trap!

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Why do vampires usually pull out during sex?

They can't come inside without an invitation.

Carolyn, a rich blonde, buys a new automatic Jaguar XKR Sport. She drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night, the car just won't move at all...

After trying to drive the car at night for a week (but without any luck), she furiously calls the Jaguar dealers and they send out a technician to her.

The technician examines the car and finds nothing wrong with it.

So he turns to the blonde and asks, "Ma'am, are you sure you are usin...

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During the War, some German PoWs were working in a field in England when one of them called out to the guard.

By the bank of a nearby river a small boy was screaming for help. His dog had jumped in the river and couldn't get out. The German yelled "I go help, *ja*?". The guard gave him the okay and the German ran and jumped in the river.

In a few moments he had freed the dog from the weed it was tang...

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What are strippers doing during quarantine?

Twerking from home.

Why are students prohibited from playing Fortnite during school?

It would be really hard to tell where the gunshots are coming from

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates…

The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens o...

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When are men the smartest, before, during, or after sex?

During, because we're plugged into a know-it-all.

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Two boys are in class during religious education.

The first boy gets so bored that he falls asleep. The teacher then asks the class, "who created the earth?"

The second boy pulls out a needle and jabs his friend in the arm. He wakes up, startled, and yells, "God Almighty!"

"Correct," says the teacher.

The boy eventually drifts ...

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I got a really angry and weird look from my wife the other day during sex.

Turns out it didn't help that she was looking at me through the window.

The President invites the Pope to lunch on a boat. The Pope accepted and during lunch, a puff of wind blew the pontiff's hat off, right into the water. It floated off about 50 feet, then the wind died down and it just floated in place.

The crew and the Secret Service were scrambling to launch a boat to go get it, when Biden waved them off, saying, "Never mind boys, I'll get it."

Then Joe climbed over the side of the yacht, walked on the water to the hat, picked it up,

walked back on the water, climbed into the yacht,...

During a parole hearing.

Officer: Tell me, why should you be released early?

Prisoner: It's bec...

Officer: Yes?

Prisoner: I think i have...

Officer: Go on.

Prisoner: Can i please finish my sentence!

Officer: Sure, Parole denied.

Unnerving things to hear during a medical examination:

After examining you thoroughly I have some bad news. I’m the janitor..

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Did you know penguins scream during sex?

Maybe not all of them?
But definitely the one I cornered at the zoo.

Why should you never race a Muslim during Ramadan?

They *fast* during Ramadan!

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A guy accidentally says another girls name during sex

One day, Matt is fucking his girlfriend, Sarah, in his apartment, after they both spent some time together. They're both passionately going at it, and look into each others eyes, and as Matt is about to climax he yells "Ohhh, Angela!"

Sarah instantly stops, and gives a sharp cold look, and sh...

A King and his squire during a battle

King: "Cannons, fire!"

Squire: "Your majesty, we have no cannons"

King: "Ok then. Cavalry, charge!"

Squire: "We have no cavalry either"

King: "Ok then. Archers, loose!"

Squire: "We have no archers either"

King: "Ok then. Infantry, attack!"

Squire: "W...

Donald Trump answers the question during the debate...

Mr Trump, what is 2+2? "I have to say a lot of people have been asking this question. No, really. A lot of people come up to me and they ask me. They say, "What's 2+2"? And I tell them look, we know what 2+2 is. We've had almost eight years of the worst kind of math you can imagine. Oh my god, I can...

During a nuclear explosion

There is a certain radius where all the frozen pizza's are perfectly cooked.

Also, where the people are perfectly cooked.


Flavour zone!

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I asked my girlfriend to dress up as a Doctor during sex

To satisfy my fetish of being able to afford medicare.

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A young man volunteered for the military during WW2.

He had such a high aptitude
for aviation that he was sent right to Pensacola skipping boot camp. The very first day at Pensacola he solos and is the best flier on the base. All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific.
On his fi...

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One old lady's poodle got lost during a photo safari...

..after chasing some butterflies and enjoying a frolic in the bushes.


Not before long, he discovers realises he's lost.

Wandering about, he notices a hungry-looking leopard heading rapidly in his direction.

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately sett...

Karen got hired to an offshore rig during the pandemic.

She's an essential oil worker now.

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My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex...

... last night she called me from Chicago!

I have a bad habit of screaming during rectal exams.

It really makes my patients nervous.

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There’s a whale that sometimes experiences pain during ejaculation

But it comes in waves

My wife fell in love with me again during covid-19

I guess you could call it stuck-home syndrome

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A pregnant woman was shot during a bank robbery...

After being rushed to the hospital and treated in the ER, the doctor tells her some good and bad news. The good news is that she's having triplets, all boys and they're all healthy, the bad news is that they've each got a bullet inside of them and will pass this Bullet naturally in +- 18 years.
<...

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What is something you can say at both a funeral and during sex?

I’m sorry, were you close?

During the Cold War, the CIA wanted to create the perfect Russian spy.

So they train a cohort for years and then they choose the best candidate. They deploy him from a stealth submarine on a remote Russian coast and the spy starts making his way towards Moscow through the frozen tundra. After a few days he comes across a small trapping village and as he was starting to...

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What do Jersey girls use as protection during sex?

# Bus shelters.

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What happens when the thermometer breaks during your rectal examination?

Mercury is in Uranus

I told my girlfriend I didn't see her blink during foreplay.

She said she didn't have time.

Where did Noah keep the bees during the flood?

In the Ark Hives.

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It's so awkward getting a boner during a prostate exam.

Especially when they realize you're not a doctor.

My grandparents fought during World War II.

They ended up getting a divorce.

An antivaxer has a heart attack. He's rushed to ER, but during the emergency surgery, his heart stops, rendering him clinically dead.

Before he knows it, he's face to face with none other than God himself, Author of the Universe, Maker of All. God smiles beatifically and says, “Don't worry. The doctors working on you are good; you'll be back in no time. But as long as you're here, do you have any questions you'd like to ask?”
<...

By mistake his Phone rang in Church during prayers...

The Priest scolded him ...

After prayers, the congregation admonished him for interrupting the silence.

His wife lectured him on his carelessness until they got home.

One could see the shame, embarrassment n humiliation on his face !!

*He has never stepped into the Church...

Trump and Obama meets during inauguration.

Trump asks: Barack, your approval ratings are pretty high. I love ratings bigly. Can you give me some tips?

Obama: The key is having a strong administration. I make sure that my administration not only works hard but is also composed of smart people.

Trump: What do you mean?

Oba...

Genuine witness responses from a coroner to an attorney’s questions during trial

Q: “Did you check for a pulse before you performed the autopsy?”

A: No."

Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"

A: "No."

Q: "Did you check for breathing?"

A: "No."

Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"

A: ...

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Bush, Trump, and Hillary are all on a plane during the pandemic...

Bush says, "I could throw this $100 mask out the window and make someone happy". Trump, with a smug look on his face replies, "I could throw ten $10 masks out the window and make 10 people happy". Hillary smirks and says, "Oh yeah, I could throw one hundred $1 masks out the window and make 100 peopl...

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Why do women close their eyes during sex?

Because they can't stand seeing their man have a good time!

During interviews he seems like such a nice guy, but the actor who plays Wolverine is a real phoney

It’s a huge act, man..

During an argument with my wife, she dropped the old "why did you even marry me?" line.

Apparently "Your sister was already taken" was not the right answer.

A meeting in Stalin's office during wartime. Suddenly, the phone rings.

Stalin takes it:

\- This is Comrade Stalin.

(Pause)

\- Ah, hello, Comrade Churchill.

(Pause)

\- No.

(Pause)

\- No.

(Pause)

\- No.

(Pause)

\- No.

(Pause)

\- Yes.

(Pause)

\- No.

(Pause)
<...

I hate when during a dinner party someone brings up how inhumane killing cows is.

They really know how to kill the moo

A lawyer, Jones, is questioning his witness, Smith, during a murder trial.

Jones: Mr Smith, can you tell us what the deceased said before he died?

Smith: Yes, I can. He said...

Judge: Now hold on a minute. I'm not sure if it could be considered hearsay if I allowed Mr Smith to continue.



This led to a long argument between both lawyers and the j...

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old football players aside and asked, “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

“Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?”

The little boy nodded yes.

“So,” the coach continued, “I’m sure you know, when a penalty is called, you shouldn’t argue, curse, atta...

During my midlife crisis, I traded in my Kia for a new convertible.

I literally sold my soul for this sports car

Hooters is trying to stay afloat during this pandemic so they are starting door to door service thus a name change is in order.

They will now be known as Knockers

Odd how you can only send mail during the day.

They are called post office hours, after all.

What does Royalty wear during stormy weather?

A Reign Coat.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What can you say during sex and at a family dinner?

That was great! I'm stuffed!

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During meditation, a monk asks his master...

"Master. If a man shaves his ass, is he gay?"

His master thought for a moment and replied:

"A man who cleans his house, clearly expects a visitor."

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What do pirates sing during fellatio?

"Wey hey, blow the man down."

During an interview the potential employer asked the young man “What you consider to be your greatest weakness"?

The job applicant replied “Honesty.”
The interviewer commented "Honesty? I don’t think honesty is a weakness.”
The young man replied “I don’t care what you think!”

Beware of BMW owners during the zombie apocalypse.

They’ll never tell you when they’re turning.

During Ramadan, Sonic the Hedgehog is a Muslim

Because he's gotta go fast.

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