I asked my masseuse if it was normal to get an erection during my massage

He said it was perfectly normal. I said, “Ok, but could you at least stop bumping it into me?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

Boy: ‟Dark in here.”
Man: ‟Yes it’s.”
Boy: ‟I have a baseball.”
Man: ‟That's nice.”
Boy: ‟Want to buy it?”
Man: ‟No, thanks.”
Boy: ‟That's my dad outside.”
Man: ‟How much did you say the baseball was again?”
Boy: ‟$250.”

In the next few weeks, it hap...

During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants"?

‟Over there by mine”, wasn‘t the answer I was expecting.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was instantly attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him if he had ever had sex. "Tarzan not know sex." he replied.

Jane explained to him what it was.

Tarzan said, "Ohhh...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground.

"Here." she said, pointi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do vampires usually pull out during sex?

They can't come inside without an invitation.

One day during a war....

A tall, strong and handsome Roman soldier broke into a house where he found two luscious maidens and their matronly nurse.

Chuckling with glee, he roared, "Prepare thyselves for a conquest, my pretties."

The lovely girls fell to their knees and pleaded with him, "Do with us as thou wil...

Has anyone else's gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?

I planted myself on my couch at the beginning of March and I've grown significantly since.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man had some trouble lasting during sex

The doc told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, ‟What the hell, I’ll try it.”

He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn’t do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He con...

A couple are isolating during covid

The man says "Now is the perfect time for me to go down on you."

The woman excitedly asks "Why is that?"

The man responds "I just lost my senses of taste and smell."

Ever wonder how a Jehovah’s Witness spreads their word during Covid?

Now that you’re here, do you have a moment to talk about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old football players aside and asked, “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

“Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?”

The little boy nodded yes.

“So,” the coach continued, “I’m sure you know, when a penalty is called, you shouldn’t argue, curse, atta...

The fly remained undecided during the debate.

He was..

On the Pence

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bush, Trump, and Hillary are all on a plane during the pandemic...

Bush says, "I could throw this $100 mask out the window and make someone happy". Trump, with a smug look on his face replies, "I could throw ten $10 masks out the window and make 10 people happy". Hillary smirks and says, "Oh yeah, I could throw one hundred $1 masks out the window and make 100 peopl...

What kind of joke do you tell during quarantine?

An inside joke

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My husband asked why I didn't blink during sex

I told him I didn't have time to.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Me: *moans wrong name during sex*

Girlfriend: who the fuck is Danny DeVito?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Inviting people during Covid is like having sex

You can't force them to come.

Even during COVID, my church insists we line up and kiss the statue of Jesus on the Crucifix.

Have they never heard of cross contamination!?

A linguistics professor says during a lecture...

A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is used in construction and can be coincidentally found during unsatisfactory sex?

Drywall

Wife to husband: “Did I get fat during quarantine?”

Husband replies: “you weren’t really that skinny to be begin with!”

Time of death: 11:00pm
Cause of death: Covid-19

If Edward Cullen ever went down on Bella during her period.......

......... Won't that be called dessert?

Why did the vampire get nervous during the poker game?

His opponent had just raised the stakes.

I had the luxury of obtaining a Russian style dishwasher during quarantine...

Her name is Natalia and she makes a lot of noise when there's too much inside.

My wife screamed in pain during labor so I asked, “What’s wrong?”. She screamed. “These contractions are going to kill me!”

“I am sorry, honey,” I replied. “What is wrong?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife and I just discovered an easy way to burn 2000 calories an hour during sex

Note to self: Leave bedroom door open so we can hear the oven timer next time.

A group of soldiers on a first-aid course were tested by the instructor. He asked the recruits: 'If the sergeant major sustained a head injury during an exercise what would you do about it ?

One soldier said: 'I'd wrap a tourniquet around his neck and tighten it until the bleeding stopped.'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a sailor who likes to get tied up and gagged during sex?

A submarine

How i made 200k from home during lockdown

So just thought I'd share with you guys my success story, I was made redundant back in March. So there I was 30 years old and not a clue what was going to happen, then out of nowhere I had an opportunity to sell Avon, so there I was 30 years old, male, selling Avon... first month goes by and I make ...

,, Don't feel embarassed Sir, erection is common during a prostate exam"

,, But doctor, I don't have an erection! "

,, I know, but I do"

I made a virtual bubble wrap to keep you all busy during quarantine. There might be some irregular bubbles, but that is normal.

>!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!Nev!< >!er !< >!Gon!< >!na !< >!Giv!< >!ve !< >!You!< >!Up,!< >!Nev!< >!er !< >!Gon!< >!na !< >!Let!< >!You!< >...

My friend suddenly became interested in golf during the pandemic lockdown

He kept saying that he wanted to see the US Open

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the most sensitive part of your body during masturbation?

Your ears.

During the pandemic governments have told people to work from home.

So if you're a dominatrix you must press ctrl + U.

If anybody is alone during the festive period please don't hesitate to let me know.

I need to borrow some chairs.

What did the Soviets say during the 1956 Hungarian Revolution?

Soviets:You're not you when you're Hungary. Have a tank.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rich millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his 50th birthday, so during this party he grabs the microphone and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two crocodiles in it.

'I will give anything they desire of mine, to the man who swims across that pool.' So the party continues with no events in the pool, until suddenly, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened. 

In the pool is a man and he is swimming as h...

My boss said to me, “I find it weird that you are sick only during the weekdays.”

I said, “It’s my weekend immune system.”

What were German children called during WW2?

German infantry

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what criteria were used to define a patient who is to be institutionalised.

'Well', said the Director. 'We fill up a bathtub and offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient to empty the bathtub.
'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. A normal person would choose the bucket.
'No,' answered the Director. 'A normal person would pull the plug.'
So what did y...

Everyone has imaginary friends during their childhood.

My grandmother, although very old, still has one.
She calls him Jesus.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW. During a recent run of bad luck, I saw a penis with legs chasing a vagina with legs, and thought..

it’s just one fucking thing after another.

During this pandemic be sure to avoid postal workers...

They’re all couriers.

Today should be a holiday honoring all the truckers who have kept America going during the Covid epidemic.

A big 10-4, if you will.

During a funeral...

The pallbearres accidentally bump into a wall and hear a faint moan.They open the casket and find out that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for 10 more years and then dies.There is another funeral for her.At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.
As they are wlking...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running 8 miles.

Who the hell runs 8 miles in 30 seconds?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The best safe word to use during sex is “meatloaf”

Because it means, “I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that”

The first Jewish President of the United States is elected

The night before the inauguration he calls his mother.

"Mom, I'd love for you to come visit for the inauguration and stay with me for a few days."

"Oh I don't know, airfare is so expensive these days."

"Mom, I'll fly you out on Air Force One!"

"Oh, but you know, cab fa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Black Friday shopping during a pandemic is a lot like banging a back alley prostitute without a condom.

You know you might catch something, but you can't beat a great bargain.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

During the toilet paper shortage of the pandemic I found out a way to massively save money on toilet paper

Firstly I bought a bidet add-on kit for my toilet. But the biggest impact on my toilet paper usage has been that I just quit giving a shit.

I always listen to Neil Diamond during the holidays.

He’s got sweet carol lines.

As they say during election season in Transylvania...

Every Count Votes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do Strippers work during Covid?

They twerk from home

During a national water shortage, a mother and daughter were sharing a shower.

The daughter looks at her mother and then down at herself and says "What's that?"

Thinking quickly, the mother says, "That's your garage... and you must never let a boy park his car in it."

Next door, a father and his son were also sharing a shower. The son looks at his dad and then do...

Trump golfed so much during his presidency...

That he thinks a lower score is better. Which is why he keeps claiming he won the election. It all makes sense now.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

During the late thirties the Nazi party hosted a friendly soccer game versus England. The Nazi's star goalkeeper was Hans Bratvender.

Late in the game Hans, overcome with Nationalist pride, turned to face the Chancellor's private box, stood to attention and gave a Nazi salute.

At that moment, the English forward kicked from outside the goal crease, and scored what would be the winning goal.

When asked later to explai...

So a man was walking up to the ice rink during the Winter Olympics...

wanting to get a closer look at the ice skaters. He ends up slipping onto the rink, and he starts to catch himself as he is falling. Yet, somehow to his amazement he keeps a running fall up, and ends up spinning to the middle of the ice rink. He is slightly frazzled, having almost face planted on th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife has a problem, she talks during sex

Last week at midnight she called me from the hotel

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Need to save a bit of money during the lock-down.

I am getting rid of Google, Siri and Alexa, and I am going to sell all of my Wikipedia and Guinness World record books. I don't need them anymore.



My fucking wife knows everything.

What do you call an orgy during a pandemic?

A super spreader event.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Colonel Reichman, an interrogation specialist for the German army, was walking around in a quaint little Swiss village one day during WWII. He spots a little shop selling clocks and watches and decides to enter.

Inside, the owner, a lady standing behind the counter, immediately recognizes who he is and welcomes him into the shop, asking how she can be of assistance.

"Frauline,” he starts "Deez are all very nice little clocks and vatches you have in here, but ze von I am interested in is zat big grand...

What did the turkey say to the turkey hunter during thanksgiving week?

Quack quack.

President Trump was recently handed a document, which he claims shows the most amount of red, ever, during an election year.

What he didn't tell you was that it was the balance sheet of his most recent IRS business filings.

During World War 2, the Germans on the front line put up a sign "Gott Mit Uns"

The English replied with a sign of their own "We got mittens too"

Real story.

My grandfather was an electrician during WWII.

His uniform had a helmet with two thunderbolts on it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A baby started crying in the theatre during a movie.

Someone shouted, " hey lady, put a boob in its mouth"

The baby's father responded, "who the fuck are you."

Someone shouts from the back.

" Put the other one in his mouth."

What happens when everyone gets together at Thanksgiving during the pandemic?

You get the coronacopia.

A woman pregnant with twins went into labor suddenly, and fell unconscious during the delivery. The hospital contacted the father and he arrived quickly, just in time to witness the birth of his children.

His wife had not woken up yet, when the hospital staff asked the father what to name his new son and daughter. They had tried for months to decide on the perfect names, but couldn’t reach an agreement, so he did the best he could. When the mother regained consciousness, the father let her know what ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Grandfather brought down over 30 Nazi aircraft during World War Two.

And to this day, he's known as the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

I'm surprised the tower of Pisa hasn't fallen over during the pandemic

Without all those tourists helping hold it up.

How to become a millionaire during COVID times?

It's easy when you have been a billionaire before...

What should a doctor wear during a psychiatrist job interview?

A straight jacket to show them you're committed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Every woman I've been with has had an orgasm during sex

But someday I'll find one that doesn't know what they're missing out on.

A groom ran out during his wedding...

His heart wasn’t in the relationship anymore and he couldn’t go through with it, so he ran out just before the vows.

The wedding party, along with everyone in attendance, was in shock.

The bride’s father convinced everyone that since he already paid for the reception, everyone should...

A mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl as a roommate.

During his meal, his mother couldn't help but notice
how pretty his roommate was. She had long been
suspicious of a relationship between the two and this
had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening while watching the
two interact, she started to wonder if there's mo...

LPT: The key to job security is not just cultivating a strong relationship with your boss, but your boss' boss as well. Having constant open dialogue, strengthening trust, and exhibiting vulnerability is key especially during periods of layoffs...

That way over time you'll hopefully build up enough black mail material to against them in case they ever want to fire you.

You should wear your mask when you go to a cemetery during this pandemic.

Cemeteries have a lot of coffin.

Trump was so childish during that debate

I'm suprised Biden didn't sniff him

Two executioners are talking during their break.

One asks the other if they're doing anything after work.

"Nope, what's up?"

"Wanna hang?"

It’s nice to see that celebrities have taken up book writing during the pandemic

One Direction by Kanye West

Guitars by Mel Gibson

Mining by Brad Pitt

Pear Cider by Katy Perry

Ship Building by Tom Cruise

How to Move Things by Jim Carrey

Escape from Prison by Morgan Freeman

American Motors by Harrison Ford

Wild Animals by Wi...

You should wear glasses during math.

It improves division.

Why do dragons sleep during the day?

So they can fight knights!

What's the most responsible makeup you can apply during the pandemic?

Mask-era.

During a zombie apocalypse

Normal Zombies: BRAAINNNNSSS!!
Vegetarian Zombies: GRAAINNNNSSS!!
Body Builder Zombies: GAAINNNNSSS!!
Plumber Zombies: DRAAINNNNSSS!!
Conductor Zombies: TRAAINNNNSSS!!
Weatherman Zombies: RAAINNNNSSS!!
Gamer Zombies: GAMMMMESSS!!
Depressed Zombies: PAINNNNSSS!! ...

I was told that wearing a mask and gloves would be enough during the corona virus pandemic

but when I got to the store I was told that pants and a shirt were also required

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a boner you get during a funeral?

Mourning wood

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'

'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'
...

I heard a woman on the street today tell her boyfriend “ALL MEN ARE DOGS!” during an argument....

But for some reason she wasn’t very happy when I asked if I could pet him.

And anyways, it was pretty irresponsible to have him off leash and all.

Why do Women and Children evacuate first during any type of disaster

So men can think of solutions in silence

I’m glad I splurged on an expensive mattress during quarantine.

I can now have my dream vacation.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I broke up with my girlfriend because she screamed too much during sex

Sometimes I could hear it two blocks away

During my piano recital, some of the black keys stopped working.

It was a flat out disaster.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

During a vicious storm a bride is blown overboard off the top deck of a cruise ship

The heartbroken groom has 3 search parties sent out to look and unfortunately find no trace of her.

He gets back to life, and 8 years later gets a call from the police.

They say we have some bad news, and some very good news.

We have located your wife’s body during a scuba divin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex?

Call and tell her about it.

One fisherman said to the other: "Using bait during fishing isn't necessary".

The other fisherman said: "that's debaitable".

A blonde and a brunette are talking about what to do when their children misbehave during Christmas The brunette says : "I wrap empty cardboard boxes and when a child acts up I toss one into the fireplace."

And then the blonde says : "What do you do when you run out of children?"

What was the Jokers catchphrase during the prohibition?

We live in a sobriety

I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic

It’s called the Plaguestation 5

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It’s just the worst thing ever when you shout the wrong name during sex.

I accidentally shouted out my sister’s name last week…

My mum was not happy!

During a police chase a man left a car in an embankment at the side of the road

The police say he ditched it.

A man walks into a diner during a terrible blizzard, but only has enough money to order a cup of coffee.

He hasn't eaten anything all day and is terribly hungry. Down the bar he sees another man leaning over a steaming bowl of chili, but the man isn't eating his chili, just looking at it.
Stomach rumbling he calls out to his neighbor "are you planning on eating that?"
The other man shakes his he...

A woman on her bike was riding through the countryside during the middle ages, playing her guitar and singing songs....

...when she came upon a dashing knight in the woods, practicing his swordsmanship. The knight was struck by her beauty and started a conversation. which quickly turned into flirting.

The knight straddled the front wheel of her bike and started to passionately kiss her. The woman said "No we ...

Where is the best place to get laid during Covid?

Super spreader events.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife and I struggle when we role play during sex

She’s always Stalin and I’m always Russian.

Whats the best thing about fingering a gypsy during her period?

You get your palm red for free.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend can get really loud during sex.

I don't know why but she knows no one's coming for help.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I don’t like to make much noise during sex

That might seem weird to allot of people, but if I make too much noise they wake up, then they start freaking out.

Why are locksmiths allowed to remain open during lockdown?

They are key workers.

Russia is invading Finland

During the invasion a Russian general and his troops come to a hill.

They hear a voice shouting: "One Fin can beat ten Russians!"

The general laughs about it and sends ten of his troops to go kill whoever is on the other side of the hill. There is alot of noise and shooting and after ...

My wife fell in love with me again during covid-19

I guess you could call it stuck-home syndrome

A man is on his deathbed, and he asks his wife...

"Martha, soon I will be gone forever, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years of marriage, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for...

I listen to the teachers keenly during my online classes

I take notes and ask questions too.

During labour, a nurse came up to me and my wife & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’

I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.'

Why do bees stay in their hives during winter ?

Swarm.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What would one of the Beatles say during an orgy?

Cum together, right now, over me.

An aristocrat, his chef and chief engineer were set to be executed during the French Revolution

An aristocrat, his chef and chief engineer were set to be executed during the French Revolution.

The aristocrat is brought to the guillotine and said "I am not afraid of my mortality. I refuse a blindfold and I wish to be face up so I can look death straight in the eyes!"

The execution...

Starbucks has starting to offer free drinks during funerals

They acknowledged the need for mourning coffees

During my last checkup my doctor asked if I had been in contact with Covid... I said... "

"Marvin, my goldfish, had Covid - but is better now".

"He only had a dry cough."

After some careful consideration during breakfast this morning, I realized that Froot Loops should have been called...

Queerios

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: Why are men smarter during sex?

A: Because they are plugged into a fucking Know-it-all.

Back during the Solidarity days the following joke was being told in Poland:

A man goes into the Bank of Gdansk to make a deposit. Since he has never kept money in a bank before, he is a little nervous.

"What happens if the Bank of Gdansk should fail?" he asks.

"Well, in that case your money would be insured by the Bank of Warsaw."

"But, what if the Bank...

My boss caught me taking NSFW selfies during work.

He told me to put on a mask.

What's Daenerys Targaryen's favorite thing during winter?

A snow plow

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's something you can say both during sex and in class?

"We better wrap this up or you'll miss your next period"

I got asked during a job interview if I was responsible.

I yes.

When asked to provide examples, I said anytime something broke, or a shipment went out late, I told them I was responsible.

During lockdown my next door neighbours 4 year old started learning Spanish.

He still can’t say ‘Please’ though, which is poor for four.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Stuck in their apartment with their kid during the COVID quarantine, the Smith’s are desperate to fuck...

So they send little Johnny out on the balcony with a popsicle and a notebook with the directions to log what all the neighbors are up to during the quarantine.

After they finished with their twenty minute *alone time,* Mr. Smith lets Johnny back in from the balcony. ”So, Johnny, what did you...

A linguistic philosopher made the claim that there is no language in which a double positive implies a negative during a lecture.

To which someone responded, "Yeah, yeah."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do senators like tickled during sex?

Their SCOTUS

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend, who`s a comedian, laughed his ass of during one of his shows

The doctor said, that he will never be able to sit again.

Luckily, he can continue performing Stand-Up comedy.

Why did the girl wear glass only during the maths class?

To improvise d-vision.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just had a power outage during sex.

What a turn off.

A winter storm blew in from the east during the Revolution

General Washington decided he needed to find a place to stay for him and his 43 men. The first place they found was a farm. The farmer, seeing just how many men the General had knew he couldn’t keep almost most of them on the farm, but was wanted to help the cause so in compromise he agreed to let j...

Why shouldn't you smoke weed during a thunder storm?

Because lightning strikes the highest object.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call it when a girl does a porno during her time of the month?

A period piece

How do planets staying busy during hunting season?

By shooting stars

London Zoo has put all it's animals into lockdown during the pandemic. There's only one dog on display.

It's a shih tzu.

What do you call Bob the builder during a recession?

Bob

(I'm sorry idk why, but I had to post this)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What can you say during sex and at the zoo?

Can I touch it mum?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I finally made my wife scream during sex! [NSFW]

I called her while I was fucking her sister.

How do you blow out your birthday candles during a pandemic?

You don't. There is no cake. The party is canceled!

One day, Pete complained to his friend, “My head really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor.”

His friend said, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply tell it the problem, put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose it and tell you what you can do about the issue you’re having. It only costs $...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I lost my virginity during English class...

I hated being home schooled.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Pope contracts a rare terminal illness.

The best specialists were quietly called in from around the world for consultation.After much debate and research they determined that the only hope to save the Pope's life was for him to have sexual relations with a woman. His advisors were notified and they in turn spoke in confidence with the pop...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My husband kept telling me to lower my voice during sex

I never understood his batman fetish.

A joke Alexa told me during my morning routine

Happy international Left Handers day

On the other hand if you don't want to celebrate that's all right

I always get a little sad during hurricane season in south Florida...

...you could say I have tropical depression.

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