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A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

Boy: ‟Dark in here.”
Man: ‟Yes it is.”
Boy: ‟I have a baseball.”
Man: ‟That's nice.”
Boy: ‟Want to buy it?”
Man: ‟No, thanks.”
Boy: ‟That's my dad outside.”
Man: ‟How much did you say the baseball was again?”
Boy: ‟$250.”

In the next few weeks, it happ...

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Jane had developed a certain attraction to Tarzan. So during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex. "Tarzan not know what is sex" he replied. Jane then explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said ...."Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Stunned by his response, Jane said: "Tarzan you have it all wrong, you don't shag a tree to get yourself off. Tell you what, I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing, got completely naked and laid down on...

I used to make jokes at work during meetings, and I could really get people laughing. Then COVID hit, and all our meetings were online. I'd still make jokes, but no one would laugh...

Not one. At first, I thought it was just because everyone was muted. It turns out, they didn't find me remotely funny.

A mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl as a roommate. During his meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there's more between him and his roommate.

Reading his mom's thought, his son volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates."

About a week later, his roo...

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What can you say during sex, but also at a family dinner?

What’s that smell?

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Why vegans don't moan during sex

It's coz they're afraid to admit that some meat makes them happy

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During a church service,

the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
Suzie stood and walked to the podium.

She said, “Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was crushed.”

There was a muffled gasp from the men i...

What is the scientific name for anti-vaxxers during a pandemic?

The control group.

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What is appropriate to say at a funeral and during sex?

"sorry, were you close?"

My ex husband cheated during our wedding reception

I guess it really was a black tie affair

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They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running eight miles.

Who the hell runs eight miles in 30 seconds?

By mistake his Phone rang in Church during prayers...

The Priest scolded him ...

After prayers, the congregation admonished him for interrupting the silence.

His wife lectured him on his carelessness until they got home.

One could see the shame, embarrassment n humiliation on his face !!

*He has never stepped into the Church...

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They say that, during sex, you burn off as many calories as running right miles.

Who the hell runs eight miles in 30 seconds?

Edit: I appreciate all the real jokes in the comments.

As for the guy who invented autocorrect, well, there's a special place in she'll for him.

My elderly relatives used to say to me "you'll be next", during weddings.

They soon stopped though once I started doing the same to them at funerals

During a flight in a private jat, three millionaires are talking: an American, an Arab Sheik and a Brazilian.

At a certain
point in the travel, they wanted to know
where in the world they are. But the
American has an idea and says:
"I think we are in New York. Let me confirm"
So he opens his window (believe me, it was
a very modern airplane) and put his arm
out. "I was right. Just touch...

During a biology exam a student has to list three pros of breast milk.

He's unprepared, but starts looking for common sense answers and writes down:

- Contains all the nutrients a baby needs,

- Doesn't need heating,

But he still needs one more. And just as the time is about to run out, the student writes:

- Has great packaging.

Pavlov was sitting in a bar and enjoying his beer during his spare time.

At that moment, bar phone rang loudly and Pavlov started worrying. Barman got curious and asked: "Sir, what's the problem?"
Pavlov stood up and shouted:"God damn it. I forgot to feed the dogs."

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Chuck Norris is always on top during sex

Because Chuck Norris never fucks up

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What can you say as a teacher, but also during sex?

I'd better wrap this up or you'll miss your next period.

What does the Mandalorian say during pre-workout?

"This is the whey"

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Many years ago during my married days, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay? What's your name?"

"It's John, and I'm okay, thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.

"John," she said, (firm loose breasts undula...

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What can you say in a book club and during sex?

I am almost through but I haven't reached the climax yet

What do you say when your dog goes missing during a full moon?

Where wolf

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I was asked during a job interview....

what is my greatest strength? I replied, " My greatest strength is my ability to give my opinion on anything regardless of other's feelings or concern. ".
The person interviewing me started to say," I don't see that as a strength rather it's weak...".
I quickly said, " I don't give a fuck what...

Ever wonder how a Jehovah’s Witness spreads their word during Covid?

Now that you’re here, do you have a moment to talk about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?

“Hey dad, can you tell me what happens during a solar eclipse?”

Dad: “No son.”

During WWII a badly injured British pilot has to bail out over occupied France.

He's found, in very bad shape, and transferred to the medical wing of a German prisoner of war camp. After a week, the doctors tell him that the infection in his left leg means they're going to have to amputate. "OK," says the airman. "Just, if you would, do me one favour. Drop the leg over my airba...

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What does a military man do during sex?

He tactically inserts his unit.

During interviews he seems like such a nice guy, but the actor who plays Wolverine is a real phoney

It’s a huge act, man..

I asked my masseuse if it was normal to get an erection during my massage

He said it was perfectly normal. I said, “Ok, but could you at least stop bumping it into me?”

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his ...

My friend decided to take up magic during COVID and he performs some pretty amazing disappearing tricks. He says it’s been hard but really…

I think he’s just going through a stage.

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A pregnant lady expecting triplets is tragically shot during a bank robbery

She was shot 3 times in the belly, and 1 bullet hit each of the 3 baby boys. Miraculously, they all survived!


One day about 14 years later, one of her boys came crying to her saying “mom, I was peeing and a bullet came out of my penis”. Then she sat him down and explained what happened al...

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and a homely brunette are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps.

Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.

The brunette thinks "I bet that di...

Two men were washed ashore during World War I.

Their ship, an aging minesweeping model, had wrecked off the coast of an uninhabited island. As the older veteran worked to build a makeshift camp, the younger soldier managed to salvage a radio, and quickly telegraphed an SOS with their coordinates.

To their surprise, a ship responded withi...

Why aren't people allowed to bbq naked during hot, dry climates?

High risk of Bush fires.

I got so out of shape during lockdown. I think I should start exercising by doing lunges.

That would be a big step forward.

On their 40th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration...

"Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"

Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness --and a great many other qualities you wouldn't...

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Why does a blondy keep quiet during sex?

Her mom told her not to talk with strangers.

Cheating for "Good" Reasons

An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "We...

Scooby Doo is the worst cartoon to watch during the COVID-19 pandemic

Because the Mystery Inc gang doesn’t seem to like people who wear masks

Senator Bernie Sanders during his 2016 campaign run was the subject of a lawsuit by Libertarian Gary Johnson's campaign.

The subject of the lawsuit was an accusation of plagiarism. the Johnson campaign alleged that Senator Sander's slogan of "Feel the Bern" was paraphrased from Johnson's own campaign slogan "Feel the Johnson".

Cannibals

Recently, a large corporation hired several cannibals to increase their diversity. "You are all part of our team now," said the Human Resources rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any employees....

What's the difference between the hentai I watch during auto-erotic asphyxiation and an artichoke?

Nothing.

One's an art I choke to, and the other's an artichoke too.

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The Harley & The dishes (NSFW)

A guy named Joe heads into his local Harley Davidson dealership with a fistfull of dollars and starts looking for his dream motorbike. The dealer looks at Joe's choice and states that while Joe's choice in motorcycle was respectable, the older style Harleys not only held their value better, but in m...

Did you know that during child birth there is a point where the lady experiences such excruciating pain that for a moment

She almost knows how bad it is to be a man who has the flu

What is the best and worst thing you can tell your doctor during a check up?

Be positive.

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Two aliens landed in the desert near a petrol station that was closed for the night.

They approached one of the pumps assuming it was an earthling and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, we come in peace. Take us to your leader.'

The pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien was stumped. The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.' But t...

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My Doctor tells me it's not uncommon to get an erection and ejaculate during a prostate exam.

But I still wish he wouldn't.

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Why don't the rabbits make noise during sex?

Because they have fluffy balls.

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My grandfather killed over 30 Nazis during WW2

He was the worst doctor in the Wehrmacht

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The legend of Attila the Hun.

The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign.

But his snake lost its appet...

What’s the only meat a priest can eat during Lent?[NSFW]

*Nun*

A blind guy walks into a primarily female bar

During a break in the music, he loudly says "hey, y'all wanna hear a blond joke?" Being blind, he doesn't realize how many blond women are in the bar. The bartender walks up to him and tells him "alright man, I know you're blind and new around here, so let me offer you some advice. I am 6'5 and blon...

During their vacation and while they were visiting Jerusalem, George’s mother-in-law died.

With death certificates in hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the states for proper burial.
The Consul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law, told George that the sending of a body back to the States for burial is very, very...

My grandfather destroyed over a hundred German planes during WW2

He was the worst mechanic in the German Airforce.

Why does Warsaw get nervous during its neighbor's election season?

Because of Germans rushing to the polls!

One day during a war....

A tall, strong and handsome Roman soldier broke into a house where he found two luscious maidens and their matronly nurse.

Chuckling with glee, he roared, "Prepare thyselves for a conquest, my pretties."

The lovely girls fell to their knees and pleaded with him, "Do with us as thou wil...

Simeon Saxe-Coburg-Gotha's cabinet became sick during his time as Prime Minister in 2003

It was the SARS cabinet.

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Did you hear about the runner who pooped his pants during a race?

He didn't win, but he did finish number two.

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At one point during a game,

the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside
And asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

"Yes, coach", replied the little boy. "
Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"
The little boy nodded in the af...

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My wife got so mad when I looked her straight in the eyes during sex

I should have just closed the curtains

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A Canadian was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.

The Canadian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.

The American snapped his gum and said, "You Canadian folk eat the whole bread?"

The Canadian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course".

The American...

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepa...

What do F-18 pilots have in common with internet addicts during the dialup times?

Both of them break out in cold sweat when their display shows NO CARRIER.

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My neighbours are complaining about my loud groans during sex in the mornings.If . . .

they only knew its me putting my socks on!

NSFW What did one spice say to the other during intercourse?

I'M CUMIN!!

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As a self-employed, work-at-home guy during the pandemic

I'd like you to meet the employee of the month, Dick!

Please stand up and be recognized.

Why did German citizens during WW2 didn't try to stop their government's atrocities?

They did not see.

During a business meeting yesterday, a very nice guy asked me about my background. So I told him about my family, education, career, dreams and goals.

Turns out he was asking what's behind me on our Zoom call.

I have a really bad habit of screaming at the top of my lungs during my rectal exam.

It makes my patients really nervous.

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approaches the pastor with an unusual offer.

"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honor, and obey' and 'be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out."

He passes the minister a $100 bill and walks away satisfied. On th...

Hooters is trying to stay afloat during this pandemic so they are starting door to door service thus a name change is in order.

They will now be known as Knockers

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Heard on the Underground

A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers...
1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cro...

Please only buy crypto during the day…

Otherwise, it will be your crypto-night

Married couple during hard financial times....

A man and his wife are having hard financial times and decide that the husband will pimp the wife out.

The man parks and waits while his wife goes around the corner to stir up business.

At the end of the night, the wife comes back to the car, and her husband asks how much she made.
...

Jack and John decided to go skiing.

They loaded up their mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they were caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door,if they could spend the night.

"I realize its terrible weather out there and I have thi...

I made a virtual bubble wrap to keep you all busy during quarantine. There might be some irregular bubbles, but that is normal.

>!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!Nev!< >!er !< >!Gon!< >!na !< >!Giv!< >!ve !< >!You!< >!Up,!< >!Nev!< >!er !< >!Gon!< >!na !< >!Let!< >!You!< >...

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What do you call something that you're not supposed to ask during sex?

A stupid fucking question.

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A man is moaning while having an intense orgasm during sex...

"Sweet...mother...of God...!" he gasps

"Sir," someone says. "Please leave that Mary statue alone we're in the middle of a sermon."

During a mass, the pastor was teaching his congregation what a tithe was.

'Now, if you have a million dollars,' he asked the crowd, 'how many of you will give out one-tenth to the church?'

All but one raised their hands. Bemused, the pastor walked down towards the one who didn't.

'Why not, my child?' he asked, 'Isn't there nothing more joyous than giving bac...

What do you call a filmmaker who likes to go camping during the pandemic?

Tentin' Quarantino

I think something went wrong during my laser eye surgery.

I can see just fine, but I can't figure out how to shoot the lasers

During my prostate exam the doctor put his hands on my shoulders and said "Dave, it's normal to get a hard-on while doing this."

"My name is not Dave," I replied.

"Yes, I know," said the doctor, "I am Dave."

Me: Hey boss, can I get a few weeks of vacation time during Christmas?

Boss: It’s May.

Me: Fine. May I get a few weeks of vacation time during Christmas?

During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants"?

‟Over there by mine”, wasn‘t the answer I was expecting.

A Korean immigrant was beaten up by police after they asked for his name and registration papers during a routine traffic stop.

"I never have received seen such bad behaviour by cops" said Mr Fuuk Yu.

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A woman who is constantly embarrassed by her husband falling asleep in church goes to the priest to ask for help.

The priest says, "Look love, if he falls asleep again, poke him with this hat pin. I'll nod to you as a signal to poke him.". The woman agrees to the plan.

So Sunday rolls around and sure enough, good old Mr. Jones nods off again. The priest notices and asks, "Who is our savior?" then nods to...

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I always like to KISS during sex.

K.I.S.S: Keep It Short and Simple

My wife screamed in pain during labor so I asked, “What’s wrong?”. She screamed. “These contractions are going to kill me!”

“I am sorry, honey,” I replied. “What is wrong?”

A crow was arrested during lockdown for trying to organise a get together with many other fellow crows.

The police said he was arrested for attempted murder.

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TIFU and heard the four words you never want to hear during sex... "Call me an ambulance"

So I said, "You're an ambulance."

During Spain's economic crisis, my Spanish uncle started his own honey business.

He named it Big Co Honeys.

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discre...

During a battle with Bowser Luigi loses an eye

Lugi was never the same.

A linguistic philosopher made the claim that there is no language in which a double positive implies a negative during a lecture.

To which someone responded, "Yeah, yeah."

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A Russian army officer was fired after having sex with James Bond during a mission.

It was a dishonorable discharge.

I have a female Horse who sleeps during the day.

She's such a nightmare!

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My girlfriend has been secretly masturbating behind my back during her Period...

But i caught her red handed!!

Dead Crows

During a review of accident statistics, it was noticed that one particular intersection in Boston had an inordinately high number of dead crows, presumably killed by motor vehicle strikes. Further study revealed the oddity that in every case, the dead crow had been killed by a truck—never a passenge...

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Do men look at their wives' faces during sex?

I did it once. She looked very angry while she was watching from the window. I would not recommend it.

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I tried not to fart during class

I really tried, butt failed

Why did the kittens get in trouble during spelling class?

Because they were copycats.

Hannah and Max are talking during recess...

Max finds Hannah really pretty. Thinking he's old enough for a girlfriend, he decides to try to flirt with Hannah.

"I just remembered, I had a dream about you last night!", Max did not, in fact, have a dream about Hannah last night.

"Oh, really? Was it a nice dream?", says Hannah, clea...

The Monkey knows everything.

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car.

The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk."

The monkey looke...

During the Russo-Finnish War...

During the Russo-Finnish War, a Russian general was marching his army through Finland. As they passed a ridge, he heard a voice call out from the other side:

“One Finn is worth 10 Russians!”

So he takes his 10 best soldiers and sends them over the ridge. After a minute of shooting, the...

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Thank you for calling the Psychiatric Institute of Mental Health

If you have an obsessive-compulsive disorder, please press button 1. Again. And again. And again.

If you have a multiple personality disorder press in rapid sequence keys 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you suffer from paranoia, we have to inform you that we already know who you are, what you d...

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What do you call a boner during a funeral?

Mourning Wood.

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A German, Japanese and Italian soldier are captured by the British during WW2 and are detained in a POW camp

First they interrogate the German. He gave up the information they needed somewhat easily, just after a few minutes of torture. He returned to the other prisoners feeling ashamed and disheartened.

Next was the Japanese soldier. He was more resilient than the German, it took the Brits several ...

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A recent symphony performance

During a recent performance of Beethoven's 9th symphony, the two bass violin players become bored because there is a long period where they have nothing to do. One invites the other to go across the alley to a bar. One drink leads to another. Finally one says they need to get back, but the other say...

During the trial, he was accused of being a cannibal, but he knew he was an innocent man.

After all, you are what you eat.

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Two British army generals are catching up in the mess hall after years of not seeing one another during WWII.

“So Reginald, how you been my old mate?”

“Oh good good. Survived some close calls but can’t complain. How’s the ol’ wife Montgomery?”

“She’s well. Doing well.”

“And Manfred? You see him much?”

“Yep he’s fine. Lost most of his hearing in the battle at Vimy, but bless hi...

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Why do vampires usually pull out during sex?

They can't come inside without an invitation.

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I broke up with my girlfriend because she screamed too much during sex

Sometimes I could hear it two blocks away

During WWW a rabbi a priest, and a minister...

During WW2, a Rabbi, a Priest and a Minister were sharing a deserted hut in the woods. It was a quiet time in the conflict so they decided to play cards to pass the time. Their game was reported to a general who decided to break up the game but he was seen approaching the hut and the cards were hidd...

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The heat

Paddy's wife has never had an orgasm so they go to the doctors. After tests the doctor suggest Paddy's wife may be over heating during sex. Paddy refuses to buy a fan and decides to get his mate round to waft a towel on them during sex. After 20 mins of wafting still no orgasm, so his friend suggest...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife tried to choke me during sex

Then she went after my girlfriend

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My husband asked why I never blink during sex.

I told him I didn’t have time to.

The fly remained undecided during the debate.

He was..

On the Pence

I caught my teenage son flying a kite during a thunderstorm, after I told him not to do it.

So I immediately grounded him.

What do you call conversation during BJ

Job Interview

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A man reads the prices during his first visit to a brothel

20 bucks for a hand job, 40 for a blow job, 120 for intercourse. Everything makes sense until he reaches the end of the list. He asks the proprietor why double penetration is only $20.

“Oh, well because they say one in the hand is worth two in the bush.”

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What three words do people dread hearing the most during sex?

"Honey, I'm home!"

What's the best state to be in during a nuclear apocalypse?

Vegetative

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Bush, Trump, and Hillary are all on a plane during the pandemic...

Bush says, "I could throw this $100 mask out the window and make someone happy". Trump, with a smug look on his face replies, "I could throw ten $10 masks out the window and make 10 people happy". Hillary smirks and says, "Oh yeah, I could throw one hundred $1 masks out the window and make 100 peopl...

What did Sonic the Hedgehog say during Ramadan?

Got to go fast!

During this period of the pandemic, a group of extraordinarily thin people came together to form a band.

It was a massive success. They were the best in their fields. The violin, oh so melodious! The synth on point everytime. The acoustics, superb.

One time they were offered to perform a virtual concert. All the tickets sold out.

But when the time came for them to perform, they couldn't c...

During an argument with her husband, a wife was just about to calm down.

But then her husband asked her to calm down...

During a recent password audit by a company, it was found that an employee was using the following password: "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"

When asked why they had such a long password, they rolled their eyes and said: "Hello! It has to be at least 8 characters and include at least one capital."

"Dad," said my son during the music performance, "who's that dead Jamaican man waving his stick around?"

I said, "Son, he's decomposer."

If Queen Elizabeth farts during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend like nothing happened

Noble gases should have no reaction

What do you call two spices saying hello to each other during the holidays?

Seasons greetings

A Regimental Sergeant Major is inspecting his troops on the Parade ground at the end of a day's training....

.... as they line up in front of the CO, the RSM calls out.

"Before you are all dismissed I have an announcement. Private Jones. one step forward ... MARCH!!"

Private Jones steps forward from the first line of soldiers.

"Private Jones .... your Mother is dead. FALL IN!!"
...

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How do you make your wife really scream during sex?

Call her while you're doing it.

My friend saw me fingering a girl during her period...

I was caught red-handed.

Where did Sally go during the bombing

Everywhere

A man is at a doctor's office about to have his prostate checked.

The doctor says "Okay, Steve, let's not get an erection again during the procedure." The man looks at the doctor confused, and says "My name isn't Steve, it's Dave." The doctor says "I know. I'm Steve."

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It's surprisingly common for men to die during sex.

You never know if they're coming or going.

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