This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My grief counselor died the other day

But he was so good I didn’t give a shit

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife and I went on our honeymoon to Australia, but unfortunately, I had to dial the help line. "G'day this is Tim, you've reached the Aussie help line. How can we help ya?"

I told him, "We were in the ocean and my wife was stung by a jellyfish on her lady parts. Her vagina is completely swollen shut. It's our honeymoon, and well....ya know."

The guy on the help line replies, "Ah, bummer mate!"

I say, "I hadn't thought of that! Thanks for the advice. You'v...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Driving home after a hard day at work, a man gets pulled over by a cop. His patience is wearing thin.

"Tell me, officer: would it be a crime for me to insult you? Hypothetically speaking, of course - I think the police are wonderful - but in theory, could you arrest me if I said you were a cunt?"

"Yes sir. That would count as disorderly conduct."

"What about if I were just to think it?...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It was getting crowded in Heaven one day, so Saint Peter decided for one day to only accept people who could make him laugh.

A man came walking up to the pearly gates and Saint Peter said to him:

“Alright bud, you’re only getting in today if you can make me laugh, so why don’t you tell me about how you died”

The man looked at Saint Peter and said

“Oh man it was awful, I was absolutely SURE my wife wa...

If you’re having a bad day, just punch an orphan.

Who are they going to tell? Their parents?

It’s my cake day so a joke for everyone

A polar bear walks into a bar and the bartender says

“What’ll it be today?”

The bear says “give me a gin and.........................tonic”

The bartender says “sure thing but why the big pause?”

The bear looks down and says “I dunno? I was just born with them. “

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second.

"You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico."

The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they’ll need – a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.
They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the ...

Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, “I can make the boss give me the day off.”

The man asks, “And how would you do that?”

​

The woman says, “Just wait and see.”

​

She then hangs upside down from the ceiling.

​

The boss comes in and asks, “What are you doing?”

​

The woman replies...

A man really hated his wife’s cat. One day, he put the cat in his car and took it to the end of the block and let it go. When he got home he saw that the cat had beat him home.

Undeterred, he put the cat in the car and took it a few miles across the city and tossed it out the car again. Upon returning home, he was astonished to see that the cat had beat him home again.

Determined at this point, the man took the cat and drove him across the city, over the river, thro...

The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife...

Happy Mother's Day!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A big city doctor visits an Native American tribe full of men and he asks "How do you guys relieve your sexual tension?"

"Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you." The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey. One man says "Since you're our guest you get to go first." The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have sex with the donkey....

An 8-year old girl went to the office with her father on 'Take Your Kid to Work Day'.

An 8-year old girl went to the office with her father on 'Take Your Kid to Work Day'. As they were walking around the office, the young girl starting crying and getting very cranky, her father asked what was wrong with her.

As the staff gathered round she sobbed loudly, Daddy, where are all t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them “gems-in-the-rough” more or less, had adopted her as a kind of project mascot.

They chatted ...

Gamers these days have no patience.

Two thousand years ago, respawn wait times were *three days*

After 150 days off flooding, Noah released all the animals from his ark and commanded then to go forth and multiply.

After some time, he saw that the flocks and herds were regaining their numbers, but he came across a pair of snakes who had laid no eggs, and were just laying about.

"Why have you not multiplied?" he asked.

To which the snakes responded, "we can't, we're adders."


Noah being ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One day after sex, my girl told me she used to be a Christian.

Me: "It doesn't worry me at all, babe."

Her: "Awesome! I really so much prefer being a Christine."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

’About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now she’s...

One day, Albert Einstein had to speak at an important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
 

"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"


The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I co...

I spent hours trying to find what the opposite of “night” was.

But, in the end, I just had to call it a day.

Scotish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve: “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing"...

"Forty-five years of misery is enough”, he continued.

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”...

A husband and wife were having a bad day.

They were arguing a lot until the wife got fed up and said to just write her a note if he really wanted to talk to her. He agreed, so for the rest of the day they passed notes here and there.

At night the husband left a note on the table saying “please wake me up at 6 A.M, I have to wake up e...

Went to the doctors the other day and said ‘ I’m having loads of trouble hearing people when they speak’

Doctor said ‘ right ok. Can you describe the symptoms?’
I said ‘yeah Marge has blue hair and homer is a fat bloke’

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"


The doctor looked puzzled but agreed.


When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.


This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an ...

I asked a girl to rate me out of 10 the other day

She said "you're an 8 on a scale of 10"

I still don't understand why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton

Tell a man a joke he will laugh for a day

Tell a Redditor a joke, he will repost for a lifetime

This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. As I walked in, she turned to me and said, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "This is my lucky day!

Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all, I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table!

Afterwards she said, "Thanks." and returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She giggled, "The egg timer's broken."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

This German shepherd comes and takes a shit on my lawn every day.

Yesterday, he brought his dog along.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Today I was awakened with oral sex

.It is dangerous to sleep with your mouth open on the subway.

What do you get if you eat 3.14 cakes?

Fat. You get fat.


What? Like I would make a pie joke on my cake day?

One day in the future, Donald Trump has a heart-attack and dies. He immediately goes to Hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil.

“You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll ...

Before going to bed a girl says:

“Goodnight Mum, Goodnight Dad, Goodnight grandad, bye grandma.”

The next day the grandma dies. The girl says again:

“Goodnight Mum, Goodnight Dad, Bye grandad.”

The next day the grandad dies. The next night, the girl says:

“Goodnight Mum, bye Dad.”

When the dad get...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

John is having a bad day.

He went to button his shirt and the button fell off.

He picked up his briefcase and the handle fell off.

He went to open the door and the door knob fell off.

Now he’s afraid to pee.

A man is explaining to his coworker that he never realized how much his wife loved him until he was home sick from work the previous day.

“Really?” the coworker asks. “What showed you she really loved you?”

“She was just really excited to have me around,” the man replied. “Like when the mailman and FedEx guy came to the door she shouted excitedly, ‘My husband is home! My husband is home!’”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One day left.

My father was ill and the doctor said he had only one day left to live. I was truly sad and was walking outside when I saw a wishing well. Taking my chances I threw in a quarter and wished his life would be extended. A r/jokes mod genie appeared out of the well and said " I hear your wish my son, an...

Mom asked me where I'm taking her to go out to eat for mother's day.

I told her, "We already have food in the house".

A pilot and a copilot are getting ready to land their plane on an exotic foreign runway on a foggy day

The pilot says “I’ve heard that this runway is pretty short, so why don’t you go ahead and give me quarter flaps, so we can slow this plane down. The copilot acknowledges, and gives quarter flaps.

As they begin to see the runway through the fog, they start to see how short the runway is. The ...

Arthur is 75 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 15 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. “That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn’t see where it went.”

His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try.”

“That’s no good,” sighs Arthur, “your brother is 85. He can’t help.”

“He may be 85,” says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.”

So th...

Tommy bought a horse from a farmer for $250 and the farmer agreed to deliver the horse to Tommy the following day

The next day though, the farmer turned up at Tommy’s house and said, “Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.”

Tommy replied, “Well, then just give me my money back. That’s fine.”

The farmer said, “Sorry, I can’t do that. I went and spent it already.”

Tommy then sai...

It’s my cake day so here’s a little cake joke for you all...

What do rat’s like to eat on their birthday?
Mice cream and cake

I’ll see myself out.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One day I'll pretend to be gay...

I'll make lots of female friends, gain their trust and become their confidant, and when they least expect it......

BAMM!! !! !!

... I'll fuck their boyfriends

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A kid gets on the bus and sits right behind the driver every day.

After getting seated the child would play a game. He would always think of a new animal and say
"if my mommy was a shark and my daddy was a shark, I would be a little shark"
"If my mommy was a lizard and my daddy was a lizard, i would be a little lizard!"

He would keep going until he d...

A mailman notices a mailbox with the flag up

So, he opens the box and picks up the letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his day....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Noah's diary: Day 39

Unicorn pie is fucking delicious!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” He replies: “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”

The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”

Why did Earth Day not affect /r/jokes?

Because everything is already 100% recycled.

I organised a threesome the other day.

There were a couple of no shows but I still had a good time.

Today is the day "Bring your pet at school "

Can I bring my desert eagle?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A tattooed guy, a hot blonde and a pale looking guys have a chat

The tattooed guy brags: "I have the best job, I'm a musician. Each day I have sex at least twice!"

The hot blonde responds: "Well, I'm a prostitute. It's literally my job. I have one customer per hour!"

Finally the pale looking guy joins in: "Still, none of you gets as much sex during ...

Two guys are walking through the woods one day when they stumble across a big deep hole.

The first guy peers into it and says, "Wow! That looks deep."

The second guy says, "It sure does. Let's throw a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is. We'll be able to tell the depth by how long it is before we hear the noise of the pebbles landing."

So they pick up a few pebbles...

The other day my wife asked me to pass her the lipstick but I passed her glue by mistake

She still isn’t talking to me

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy.

The new law was that in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.

So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven.

The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My girlfriend and I began having sex at 1:58AM this morning and didn't stop until 3:01AM.

Thanks daylight savings!

A man goes to the track and bets $2 on a long shot and wins $18.

So he puts that $18 in the 2nd race and wins again $128. Again he puts it all on a long shot in the 3rd

race and again wins $770!

He keep doing this for each race, and finally on the last race he puts his entire winnings so far - $1,941,550!

The crowds are all around him watch...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Husband says to his wife that he is going golfing. She gets upset because she thought they would spend the day together.

Husband: "honey just give me the day I need to relieve some stress. Besides You don't even golf."


Wife: "I want to learn and besides it's something we can do together."


The husband begrudgingly accepts his wife request and they go to the golf course. On the first tee the hu...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One day, Billy saw Mom jumping on Dad in bed.

During breakfast the next morning, Billy asks Mom "Why do you jump on Daddy before going to bed every night?". The Mom, looking over at Dad with a embarrased expression, says "Well, your Daddy gets very fat every night eating dinner, so I have to jump on him to get his stomach flat.". The Son says "...

I don't understand why people are celebrating pi day.

It's irrational.

Paddy and Paddy, two Irishmen, went out one day and each bought a pig.

When they got home, Paddy turned to Paddy and said, "Paddy, me ol'mate, how are we going to tell who owns which Fookin' Pig?"

Paddy says, "Well Paddy, I'll cut one of te ears off my Fookin Pig, and ten we can tell them apart."

"Ah, dat id be grand," says Paddy.

This worked fine ...

One day I changed a lightbulb, crossed the road, and walked into a bar.

Then I realized my whole life was a joke.

One day 2 kids were walking in the park with their grandmother.

And every day, the kids would say, "Grandma we want to ride in that helicopter".

Grandma always replied, "I know kids, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars -- and 50 dollars is 50 dollars".

One day Grandma and the kids went to the park, and the kids said, "Grandma, you're 85 years ol...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My brother went to jail one day.

He took it really badly. He refused all food and drink, and swore at everyone who tried to talk to him. He smeared his shit everywhere as a sign of protest.

We never played monopoly with him ever again.

The government has been shut down for more than 15 days....

We can all legally leave.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One day a man hears a voice in his head.

Sell your car, sell your house cash in your investments, go to Vegas put it all on red 20.
Sell your car, sell your house cash in your investments, go to Vegas put it all on red 20.
He tries to ignore it but but every minute of everyday he hears it, Sell your car, sell your house cash in your ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was telling my mate, how my time machine experiment went drastically wrong when I went back in time & ended up inadvertently having sex with my own mother.

"Oh shit, so you could be your own father then?" he asked

"Well not really, I only went back two days"

Obsolete joke; I went into the video store the other day, I asked if I could rent Batman Forever?

They said “No! But you can have it for three nights!”

I love Harry Potter but after re-reading the chapter the death-day party I realized something about nearly headless nick

He was a very poorly executed character

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Which days are the strongest?

Saturday and Sunday, the rest are weekdays.

An electrical engineer is wrongly accused of a crime.

His name is Myto and he swears he did not kill anybody. However, all the evidence points to him. Of course, he gets 25 years in prison.

When he gets to prison, he meets his bunkmate, Big Joel. Now, contrary to what you may think, Big Joel was not a rapist. In fact, he was the nicest man Myto...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport.

It was after midnight. While enroute to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For 100 dollars, the cabby agreed.
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch...

It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I ...

A pompous student is taking a college course but never shows up to class. on the day of exams...

On the day of exams the student comes in and starts writing his essay with the rest as if he’s been there the whole time. The professor sees this and thinks how weird it is that the kid is taking the exam without going to the classes. Anyways the time is nearing the end and the professor announces t...

I was at the museum the other day and saw my ex at the other end of the room

I was about to say hi but there is too much history between us

A Jewish girl asked me for my number the other day.

I told her "we use names here".

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So my mate was welding the other day

While grinding off his work to admire his craftsmanship, a piece of metal flew into his eye.

Score 1 for wearing safety glasses.

Anyway, he complained he couldn't see, so we packed him off down to the hospital.

After an X-ray and scan the doctor comes in and says "You have Creep...

How many Emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, they all sit in the dark and cry.

​

It's cake day : )

Edit: thanks for my first silver kind stranger!
A Gold also! Thank you very much!

I completed another lap around the Sun, but I only get half a minute to celebrate today.

It's my thirty-second birthday.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day, when the daughter said, "My hands are freezing cold!" The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up."

The daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold!"

The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up."

He did and warmed his hands.

The following da...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The devil was feeling generous one day

So he decided to give three guys a chance to leave hell and make it to heaven.

"See that ladder over there?" he asked them, pointing to an ornate golden ladder reaching up out of the flames and into white fluffy clouds beyond.

"If you can make it to the top without laughing, I'll let h...

A man had 2 daughters and a son. One day all three of them wanted to ask how Dad had named them.

The first daughter asked, "Daddy why did you name me Rose?"

The father responded, "When you were born, a rose pedal floated through the window and landed on your head."

The second daughter asked, "Daddy, why did you name me Violet?"

The father responded, "When you were born, the...

The other day my friend was telling me i didnt know what irony meant

Which was ironic since we were at a bus stop

Edit: thanks for silver gold and front page, it means alot

A woman was in some distress one day when she locked herself out of her car.

An army man was walking by in the car park so she waved him over and said "excuse me can you help me, I've locked myself out". "Sure" he says. So he takes off his pants and rubs them against the door and as if by magic the door unlocked. "Wow" said the woman, "how did you do that?"

He replies...

They say balloons cost more these days because of helium shortages.

I think it's inflation.

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One ...

Wife: I have blisters on my hands from using the broom all day

Husband: Well next time take the car then silly

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One day a small rabbit was taking a run through the forest.

As he was running he came upon a giraffe. This giraffe was about to shoot up some heroin. The rabbit looked at he giraffe for a moment and then said, "Giraffe, don't do heroin. Heroin is a drug, and drugs are bad for you. Come running with me through the forest."

The giraffe looked at the rab...

My teacher called me average the other day

That was just mean

I was plying Pokemon GO in the park the other day

The craze of Pokemon GO may well have died off for most people but I still love it and play all the time.


I was in my local park the other day when my absolute favourite Pokemon appeared!
It was over by a group of girls so i tried to contain my excitement so I didn't draw attentio...

It’s my cake day today so I figured I’d try out a cake joke!

Patient: Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.

Doctor: Next time, take off the candles

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day...

Give a man a fishing rod and he'll pretend it's a massive penis.

The guy who invented the USB died the other day

When the coffin was lowered they realized that it was the other way around, so they took it up, turned it and inserted it correctly

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Day 284 without sex...

Went jogging in flip flops just to remember the sound

I sold my vacuum cleaner the other day.

All it was doing was collecting dust.

Today was a terrible day, my Ex got hit by a bus

and I lost my job as a bus driver.

A young boy enters a barber shop.

The barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

...

Testiculles and Achilles were talking one day

They got on the topic of how they gained their powers. Achilles told Testiculles about how his mother dipped him into the River Styx, she had held his ankles and that’s why he’s only weak at the ankles. Achilles then asked “Well how did you get your name, Testiculles?”

Testiculles replies, “...

One Day a Cowboy Rode into Town

He tied up his horse and entered a saloon

When he exited the saloon, he found his horse missing

The cowboy shouted, "I'm going to go inside for another drink, when I'm done, my horse better be returned. If not, I'll do what I did back in Texas."

The cowboy went back inside the b...

My kid asked me what he should get his Mom (my ex) for Mother's Day. I said how about something she can use in the bath?

....like a toaster!

Sadly, I buried my wife 2 days ago. And my friend, trying to be considerate, asked me when she died. - I replied, “...

Not quite sure. Probably sometime yesterday.”

The new zookeeper was killed at work on his first day.

That’s why you shouldn’t lion your resume.

One day a man died, and went to heaven.

I’m heaven, the man saw Father Time, surrounded by billions of clocks.

“What are all these clocks for?” asked the man.

Father Time replied, “every time someone tells a lie, their clock goes forward a minute”.

He pulled out a clock that was at exactly 12:00.

“This clock...

A lost dog strays into the jungle one day. From a distance, a lion sees this and thinks to himself, "Hmmm, this guy looks edible, I've never seen his kind before". So the lion starts running towards the dog with menace but the dog notices this and starts to panic.

As he's about to run he sees some bones on the ground next to him, gets an idea and says loudly, "Mmm... That was some good lion meat!"

The lion screeches to a halt and says, "Woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can" and then runs away.

Over in a tree, is...

One day a horse is watching a music video [Long]

One day a horse is watching a music video and decides that he himself, wants to make a music video.

​

In preparation, he goes to the phone book and looks up a local music teacher. He calls him up and says


"Hey, I saw that you teach musical instruments, and I rea...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Monday - Greg, Tuesday - Ian, Wednesday - Greg, Thursday - Ian, Friday - Greg, Saturday - Ian, Sunday - Greg

The Gregorian calendar

Three men die one day, and are admitted into heaven.

God approaches them and says, “this is the road to heaven. The class of the vehicle you drive to heaven is determined by how faithful you were to your significant other.” The first man says, “I was very faithful to my wife, I didn’t cheat on her once.” God said, “very good, take that Lamborghini int...

One day a farmer discovers he has a talking horse

So, after talking to it for awhile, the horse decides that it wants to learn how to play guitar. So the farmer does the only logical thing, and buys the horse a guitar. Somehow, the horse learns how to play the guitar, and tours the country on talk shows, concerts, and even meeting the president. Th...

What's the best flower for a boy to give for Mother's day?

Son-flowers of course!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day and confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but...

People are so sensitive now-a-days.

People are so sensitive now-a-days. You can’t even say “black paint.” Instead you gotta say,” Jamal, will you please paint the fence?”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Dave was bragging to his boss one day

"You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and k...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The main attraction gorilla at a zoo dies right before the zoo opens for the day.

Many of the zoo’s daily visitors come just to see the gorilla. So, in a desperate move, the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can afford a new one.
Qui...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why don't they teach sex education and driver education on the same day in the Middle East?

Doing so would be far too exhausting for the camel.

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer the other day

I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.

Around 1.5 million people die in hospitals every day.

Let’s just get rid of hospitals. Problem solved.

Year*

This guy walks into a quiet bar.

He is carrying three ducks, one in each hand, and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar. He has a few drinks and chats with the bartender. The bartender is experienced, and has learned not to ask people about the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the ducks. They...

The other day a woman described me as a looker

Well, ‘voyeur’ is the actual word she used.

I drove my car into a tree the other day...

I wanted to see how my Mercedes Benz.

One day, a doctor goes on a boat tour in rural Asia.

After a while, the doctor asks the tour leader, "Can you do maths?" the tour leader says, "No I can't, actually." the doctor replies, "Well, your life expectancy is reduced by a quarter.

Later the doctor asks again, "Do you understand science?" the tour leader again says no. The doctor says,...

I served an old man at the bar the other day.

He made me privy to a conversation he had just had with his wife. He asked her, "If I died, would you remarry?"

His wife replied, "Well...maybe, but no guarantees".

"You can't go through life lonely", he said. "I think you should. But would you live in our house together?"

"W...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two cops, a man and a woman were heading out for a day's work, walking the beat with a police dog at their side...

A few blocks away from the station, the woman suddenly stops. "Dammit! I was in such a hurry to get ready, I forgot my panties back at the station. We have to go back."

"No we don't," the male cop says. "Old Ralphy here is specially trained at evidence retrieval. Just let him sniff your crotc...

I went to the opticians the other day, you would not guess who I bumped into!

Everyone

Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.

Push a man off a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.

I was in the supermarket the other day

My mum sent me in to get the essentials bread, milk etc.

So I got the bread, sugar, fruit and I made my way done to the milk aisle.

But I saw this old man, throwing cheese and milk everywhere.

I thought, how dairy...

What do a pizza delivery boy and a gynecologist see every day?

The yeasty crust.

So I lost my job at the bank on my very first day...

An old woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Every day my neighbor asks me if I have seen his wife...

And every day I have to explain to him that his wife has been dead for a few years.

It's tiring but it's worth it, just to see the smile on his face.

Give a homeless guy a meal he is happy for a day. Give a reddit user a joke.

They are happy for 4 years re-posting.

Carolyn, a rich blonde, buys a new automatic Jaguar XKR Sport. She drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night, the car just won't move at all...

After trying to drive the car at night for a week (but without any luck), she furiously calls the Jaguar dealers and they send out a technician to her.

The technician examines the car and finds nothing wrong with it.

So he turns to the blonde and asks, "Ma'am, are you sure you are usin...

I received a flyer on anger management the other day

I lost it.

Back in the day,

Instagram just meant a really efficient drug dealer.