My grandfather died because the report said he had Type-A blood

Unfortunately it was a Type-O

What do you call reports that Jeffrey Epstein didn’t actually hang himself but instead was murdered?

Fake noose.

Your DUCK IS DEAD

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distres...

Why did the coffee file a police report?

He got mugged!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the Captain immediately.

"Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty, hot and sexy female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat old slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous!"

The captain responds, "Patricia, I've told you thi...

I was passing by my son's bedroom and was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, I saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow, addressed to, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, I opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands...

"Dear, Dad.

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.

I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy.

She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of al...

The 911 operator didn’t take my report of an earthquake seriously.

I guess he didn’t understand the magnitude of the situation.

“According to a new report, Netflix is losing subscribers and 130,000 people have stopped watching.

It all happened after one guy changed his password.”

.

- Credit: Jimmy Fallon on The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon (a rare actually good joke by Fallon I heard while my mom was watching)

I filed a police report about my missing bag yesterday and a few hours later, the cops called to say that they found it.

It was a brief case.

A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing.

The policeman asked for a description.

She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."

The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth,...

What did the teacher do with her students' report on the history of cheese?

She grated it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Israeli and his Czech friend were wandering through the forest when a bear reared up and ate the Czech guy.The Jewish guy ran to the nearest Ranger office,to report what happened. The ranger went off in his truck and returned shortly with two bears in cages in the back.

‘These are the only two bears in the vicinity can you identify which one ate your friend?’ The ranger asked
‘How could I recognize which bear is which?’ Said the fellow
‘Well,’ countered the Ranger’ One is a male bear and the other a female, maybe when the bear reared up to eat your friend you...

How is the Tiananmen square massacre similar to the Mueller report?

[REDACTED]

After every flight the pilots of Qantas airways leave a note to the mechanics that has problems that need to be fixed.When the next flight is due the mechanics leave a report that describes what they've done to fix the problem.

Problem: The left tire almost needs to be replaced
Report: The left tire was almost replaced

Problem: Something is unhooked in the cabin

Report: We rehooked something in the cabin

Problem: The autopilot loses 200 km/h altitude when engaged

Report: We haven't been able ...

I heard a report about a bad outbreak of the tummy bug, apparently 9 out of 10 people there suffered from diarrhea.

I can’t stop thinking about that tenth person who apparently enjoyed it.

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When a stripper gets money that definitely has jizz on it she has to report it to the government

Because it's gross income

There are reports of Civic unrest coming in from all over the city, but I’m not worried...

I drive an Accord.

President Trump has refused to release the full report proving claims that Iran is developing a fighting force of flying dinosaurs. He’s released a version of the report but

It’s been pterodacted

A cop is making a report on a bike crash

A cop is walking on the scene of a bike crash making a report:

- A hand in the field.

- A leg in the field.

- Torso in the field.

- Head on the aslhl... asplh... ashl...

He kicks the head.

- Head in the field.

A high ranking military official gives a report to Trump

He says, "sir, I regret to announce that three Brazilian troops have just died in combat."

Trump was stunned. He gathered himself and replied, "my God, that's terrible news. How much is a brazillion?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have you read the report on circumcisions?

Yeah, a number of dickheads were exposed.

I offer my kids $500 for every A on their report card.It sends the message that education is a priority in our household.

And it costs me absolutely nothing since my kids aren't that bright.

I had to create a report on how wind energy is produced

It was a breeze

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So, little Johnny has a report due for government class...

He asks his dad to explain government. His dad thinks for a minute, and explains it like this:

I am Congress, your mom is the judicial system, your sister is the unemployed, you are the group too young to vote, and the maid is the working class.

So that night, little Johnny is trying ...

A man filed a report to the police that his bag was stolen.

Upon leaving the man's apartment, the officer found the man's bag at the bottom of the stairwell.

It was a brief case.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I noticed at the bookstore that the "Kama Sutra" and "The Mueller Report" are both in the erotica section

In both documents you can see someone who's totally fucked.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband's pulse, then told the woman, "I'm sorry, your husband is dead."

The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?"

The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform."

"YES! I have to be absolutely certain."
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Prosthetic breasts were changed to plastic material after numerous reports of lip splinters occurring during foreplay.

That would suck wooden tit?

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates.

St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer, you're in the wrong place."
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.
Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.
After a w...

Why don’t American schools give Fs on report cards anymore?

Because they’ve already paid enough respects to their students.

Little billy came home from school one day with his school report.

When his dad saw the report he was livid, it was appaling. He said "right Billy my lad this is terrible if this doesn't improve by the end of this year I'm afraid I'm going to have to shoot you!" So Billy tried really hard he really gave it his best shot but the reports remained execrable the year ...

We should build a wall Out of the Mueller report...

Because noone can get over it!

I was drawing a graph for my report expecting a straight line. But I got a curve.

What a plot twist

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The bank questioned the man why he didn't report the stolen credit card earlier.

"That son of a bitch was spending way less than my wife."

My mom didn’t like my report card.

I said okay.

She said she wants more A’s.

I said okaaaaaaaaaaaay.

Will someone please make a picture book out of the Mueller Report

So Trump supporters can finally read it

My son got his school report today.

My son came back from school with a huge grin waving his report around and shouting “daddy daddy!”

Me. “What is is son?”

“Look daddy, I got a B in my reading test!”

Me. “That’s a D you idiot”.

Jack was deeply involved in finishing a report for the upcoming board meeting received a call from his wife that she had a good news and a bad news.

Because of the deadline he asked if she could just give him the good news. The wife replied "Okay, the good news is that the air bags work."

Reports show that adults aged 18-24 are the healthiest, with the least dr visits per age

But between you and me it’s because my mom doesn’t make my appointments anymore

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was having a conversation with a scammer the other day.

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”...

A husband calls the Sheriff's office to report his wife missing.

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!

Sheriff: Height?

Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sheriff: Weight?

Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sheriff: Color of eyes?

Husband: Sort of bro...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I read the report on the sexual abuse of minors in the Catholic church

It seems that much of the abuse took place in the rectory.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Interview with a reporter

Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"


Man: "Yes!"


Reporter: "Name?"


Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."


Reporter: "Sex?"


Man: "Three to five times a week."


Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"


Man: "Yes,...

My VISA card was stolen two months ago, but I don’t want to report it.

The guy who took it is using it less than my wife.

I called the police to report a murder in my front yard but they refused to respond

They said if I really wanted the crows gone I'd have to do it myself

I had to report my stolen amazon package

The police are still looking for a prime suspect

I brought home my report card to proudly show I had received a 'B' in Reading. ..

... but my Mom said, "you numbskull, that's a 'D' !

Over the past few years The U.S. Army have been conditioning soldiers to behave in certain ways when they hear certain musical chords. They have just found the perfect chord to get soldiers to report to their superiors.

C Major.

Sources report that after holding office for just two years, President Trump has already developed significant forehead wrinkles.

Talk about making national headlines!

The news reports of a Polish terrorist who tried to blow up a bus...

Poor guy...burned his lips on the exhaust pipe...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The General Social Survey reports that the average male has sex 54 times a year.

It’s going to be a busy month.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Queens Breasts

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.



Nick, the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death, should he try to touch them, but he had to try.



One day Nick revealed his secret ...

What did the pirate get on his report card?

Seven Cs!

There's a new report on why people aren't spending time with books anymore.

TL;DR

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A daughter is writing a report for school...

... and can't find her dictionary to look up a word. She turns to her mother and asks her, "How do you spell 'scrotum'?"

Her mother replied, "You should have asked me last night. It was on the tip of my tongue."

What does a Instagram teenager do for his history report?

Lincoln bio

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I dont own this joke. But i havent forgotten about it for five years.

Son: "Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?"

Father: "Sure son. What's the question?"

Son: "What is Politics?"

Father: "Well, let's take our home for an example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me "Capitalism". your mother is the administra...

An average boy gets home from school and shows his mother his report card.

An average boy gets home from school and shows his mother his report card. The mother opens it and sees all "B"s and "C"s and is disappointed with her son. She heard from a friend that the nearby church school does a great job at fixing people right up, so she decides to send her son there.

A...

A major produce organization is reeling after multiple reports of tainted lettuce.

We may soon witness the falling of the Romaine Empire.

I remember doing a book report in elementary school on, "Fifty Shades of Grey".

I got a B+ and the teacher left a note saying, "thank god you didn't actually read the book, though I loved your creativity stating Christian Grey had 49 other clones".

Sad to report that the inventor of predictive text has passed away

His funfair will be held next Monkey

A report has concluded that paedophiles should be re-educated.

What a great idea, let's send paedophiles back to school.

A snail went to the police station to report that he had been mugged.

He said "I've been robbed by two tortoises"

The desk officer said "Can you describe the incident"

The snail replied "No not really it all happened so fast "

Two men are sitting at a bar when a news report comes on...

The TV grabs the men's attention as the reporter begins taking about a man standing on a bridge threatening to jump. The first man, having a taste for gallows humor, bets the second man $10 that he'll jump. The second man agrees and they continue drinking and watching the TV. About 10 minutes later ...

Little Johnny's father asked for report card.

Johnny replied, "I don't have it."

"Why not?" His father asked.

"My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

The phone rings at the local police station. “Hello? I’m calling to report my neighbor, Craig. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!”

“Thank you very much for the call, sir.” The next day, policemen descend on the neighbor’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave. The phone rings at the neighbors house. Hey...

A guy calls the police to report that someone broke into his house and stole his toilet.

The dispatcher asks him "Do you know who did this?" The guy says no. Dispatcher asks "What did they look like?" Guy says he doesn't know, he wasn't home. Dispatcher asks "When did this happen?" The guy says "I don't know, I just got back from a month long sabbatical an hour ago. It was gone when I g...

The latest report from Mars indicates the presence of large ring structures of precious stones and a dusting of glitter almost everywhere

Apparently, efforts are underway to tiara-form the planet.


(I do apologize for this. I happen to hear someone pronounce this word rather frequently and this is what I keep imagining they are meaning, along with some deposits of sass, pageantry and frills.)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It is my sad duty to report the death of my granddad, who was run over by a boat whilst swimming in a canal in Venice...

Thank you to those of you who have already sent your gondolences...

"I remember one time I brought my report card home and said 'Hey Dad, I got a B in Reading!"

He just said "That's a D, you idiot."

A man and his wife go on holiday and find a hotel for the night

When they find one, the manager says they're welcome to stay there but it costs £100 each for the night.

That's a bit outside their budget so they politely turn it down and ask if there's anywhere cheaper in the area.

The manager says "Yes, in fact there is a hotel just up the road and...

It was time to take my noisy tennis equipment making business elsewhere

The neighbours threatened to report me for making a racket.

The General's Report

An Army general was in Washington for a meeting and decided to call his base for a report. A young private answered the phone.

"I'd like an inventory report of the base please," stated the general.

The private had not dealt with such a request before and thought it was a fellow private...

An old woman is watching the news.

She sees a news report saying there is a car driving in the wrong direction on the highway.

So the old woman calls up her husband.

Old woman: be careful on the highway dear, there is a crazy driver on the highway driving the wrong way!

Old man: One driver? They are all driving t...

Professor: “I’m going to have to report you for plagiarism.”

His words, not mine.

A man walks into a police station to report the disappearance of his wife...

After taking down the details, the sergeant says, *"Don't worry sir, we'll find her. Is there any message you want us to give her?"*

*"Just one,"* he replied. *"Please tell her my mother decided not to come after all!"*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Donald Trump decided to take a break from presidency and visit Greenland..

He's put up in a nice hotel with the best service in the region.

However, there is a problem.

Every time he goes out to do some sightseeing, someone keeps calling him "Cunt".

He comes back to the hotel and asks the manager about this strange phenomenon.

The manager says, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot found themselves standing before the Gates of Heaven.

St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.

"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Heaven is now overcrowded. St Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven.

If anyone of you can ask me a question which I cannot answer or don't know, then you're worthy enough to go to He...

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