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A husband calls the Sheriff's office to report his wife missing.

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!

Sheriff: Height?

Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sheriff: Weight?

Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sheriff: Color of eyes?

Husband: Sort ...

A boy excitedly reports to his miserly father...

"Papa!" the boy exclaims. "Instead of buying a bus ticket, I ran home behind the bus and saved a dollar!"

The father immediately slaps the child. "Spendthrift!" he screams. "You could have run home behind a taxi and saved twenty!"

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A CNN reporter, a BBC reporter, and an Israeli commando are captured by ISIS in Syria.

The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.

The CNN Reporter said, "Well, I’m an American, so I’d like one last hamburger with French fries.”

The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the burger &am...

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A reporter walks into a bar

A reporter walks into a bar in a small Louisiana town. He's been sent by his editor in the big city to get a human interest story, and so he walks up to some burly guy in overalls and offers him a drink in return for the story of the best day of his life.

"Best day? Well, that must've been th...

Police: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card?

"If everyone is thinking alike, then somebody isn't thinking" -George S. Patton

"When you tear out a man's tongue, you are not proving him a liar; you're only telling the world that you fear what he might say." -George R. R. Martin

A man filed a report to the police that his bag was stolen.

Upon leaving the man's apartment, the officer found the man's bag at the bottom of the stairwell.

It was a brief case.

My grandfather died because the report said he had Type-A blood

Unfortunately it was a Type-O

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates.

St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer — you're assigned to hell."

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of accommodations and starts designing and building improvements.

After a wh...

Alabama has reported more deaths than births for the first time in it's history

Makes sense considering family get togethers have been restricted

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A reporter went to a small village...

And asked one of the villagers, "hey could you tell me a story about your village?" The villager says "well one time a neighbors goat got lost in the mountains, and we all got together to look for it, and then we found it. We all celebrated and drank and then we all had sex with the goat".

T...

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When a stripper gets money that definitely has jizz on it she has to report it to the government

Because it's gross income

Reporter to the old guy sitting next to his wife: "what's your secret for 80 years of happy and successful marriage?"

The old man replied "i'm gonna tell you a story, 75 years ago we were on a trip, we were horseback riding just ive two of us, out of nowhere her horse went crazy and throw her off on the ground, she calmly got up, cleared herself of dust and facing ive horse said "that's one" then got back on the ho...

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The flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the Captain immediately.

"Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty, hot and sexy female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat old slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous!"

The captain responds, "Patricia, I've told you thi...

A man calls the police and reports that his girlfriend has gone missing

A male and a female police officer turn up at his house and begin to interview him. The female officer asks the man if he has any theories on where she might be. The man responds with “This is going to sound weird but I think she disappeared into the magic coffee table”
The officers look confused...

A CNN reporter walks into a White House press meeting

[removed]

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So, little Johnny has a report due for government class...

He asks his dad to explain government. His dad thinks for a minute, and explains it like this:

I am Congress, your mom is the judicial system, your sister is the unemployed, you are the group too young to vote, and the maid is the working class.

So that night, little Johnny is trying ...

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"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

Holy shit this blew up

The phone rings at the local police station. “Hello? I’m calling to report my neighbor, Craig. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!”

“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”

The next day, policemen descend on the neighbor’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.

Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave.

The phone rings at ...

A reporter was interviewing a 102-year-old woman

"What's the secret to your longevity?", he asked.

"Simple. The biggest cause of aging is stress, and the biggest cause of stress is arguing with people. So I never argue with anyone."

The reporter laughed. "That's ridiculous. That can't be the real reason."

The old lady smiled a...

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The Book Report

The world’s cleverest student does the world’s funniest book report:-

Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, ‘Titanic’ and ‘My Life’ by Bill Clinton.
One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!

*...

"Hello, 911? I want to report a hit and run"

Dispatcher: What was the make and model of the vehicle?

Me: It was a Lamborghini Silhouette.

Dispatcher: How do you spell that?

Me: Huh!? Sorry, I mean it was a BMW Z4.

A Femme Fatale reports to her superior after a successful undercover mission.

"Excellent work, as always, agent. Operation *Girlfriend Experience* was an outstanding success because of you. The villain has been apprehended and is awaiting sentencing," the superior comments.

"Thank you, sir. Just doing my duty," she responds.

"But there is one thing..." he contin...

A reporter is interviewing Stevie Wonder

They talk about all the amazing music he has created over the years and the incredible things he has done with his life and as a last question the reporter asks:

"But don't you wish you hadn't been born blind?"

and Stevie replies "Hey, it could've been much worse - I could have been bo...

Why did the coffee file a police report?

Because it got mugged!

It’s tough finding journalists qualified to report on rhythm sections

They need to cover all the basses and can’t miss a beat.



I'm reposting this joke until somebody finds it funny beside me.

Trump reportedly asked to be added to Mount Rushmore

Turns out granite isn't a dense enough material to represent him

Breaking News: Local Kindergarten reports major Peek-a-Boo accident.

All involved were rushed to the ICU

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An old pirate was being interviewed by a newspaper reporter

"I note that you have had a lot of injuries... I see you have a wooden leg, a hook for a hand, and an eye patch. What caused those?"

The old pirate nodded. "Piratin' is a rough life indeed. I was a mere deckhand on me first ship, and we met up with an British dreadnaught. Twas a fierce battl...

my dad asked me why my report card was all wet when I handed it to him

He should have noticed all the grades were below c-level....



From three mind of my 10 year old favorite daughter....

A sailor reported for duty on a ship set to spend months at sea.

On the first day the captain takes the new recruit on a tour of the ship.
He shows him the engine room, the helm, the quarters taking him all over the ship. They end the tour in the captain's office where the captain closes the door behind him and tells the sailor "Oh and one more thing, Seeing a...

Today in Hawaii: And now let's cross to our local reporter

"Thanks Doug and this morning the annual Waikiki 'Mountain-to-Sea' triathlon has been won by a handsome Norwegian competitor. He’s proved very popular with the race crowd down here on the beachfront, with his good looks and engaging personality really winning over the crowd.

Yes, it’s hard no...

The weather reporter at the crossfit gym was often mistaken for a physician.

People thought he was a meaty urologist.

It's been reported that Donald Trump has recently found Jesus ...

And had him deported.

Why did the salami fill out a police report?

Because it was a salted meat.

These exchanges were recorded verbatim by court reporters and published in the book, "Disorder in the American Courts".

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget..

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

WITNESS: How would I know?
___...

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A rural farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady.

He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing do...

It's just been reported on local radio

That someone passed out and fell on to the luggage carousel at the airport!

Apparently, they are just coming round now..

Counterfeit $1 bills reportedly found in circulation

Be on the lookout for hot singles in your area.

For school, I had to write a report about how the human eye works

So I asked my dad if he knew any facts about the human eye. After a moment of thought, he responded:

"The human auditory range is 20 to 20,000 Hz".

Confused, I asked: "What does that have to do with the eye, dad?"

"Nothing," he replied. "It's ear-relevant."

One time I asked a news reporter what the name of his three sons were...

He replied, "My oldest son is Jackson"

"Jeremiah is the middle child"

"And THIS JUSTIN"

Why don’t American schools give Fs on report cards anymore?

Because they’ve already paid enough respects to their students.

How do you distinguish between a news reporter and a chemist....

Ask them to pronounce "lead".

Credit card company called me to report suspicious activity...

I asked what kind of suspicious activity and they said someone made a payment.

On a weather forecast in Russia reporter said it was -50C in Yakutsk.

On a weather forecast in Russia reporter said it was -50C in Yakutsk.

A guy from Moscow says to his wife:
Guy:- They are overreacting, I'll call my cousin who lives there, and he'll tell me the truth.

He calls his cousin and asks,
Guy:- What's the weather like where you are?...

How to correctly give parent your school report

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.
...

Why should oceanographers be the Ones that report the news?

They’re always on top of current events!

An average boy gets home from school and shows his mother his report card.

An average boy gets home from school and shows his mother his report card. The mother opens it and sees all "B"s and "C"s and is disappointed with her son. She heard from a friend that the nearby church school does a great job at fixing people right up, so she decides to send her son there.

A...

Three men are training to be Vladimir Putin's bodyguards

The training course is exhausting and incredibly challenging. On their last day of training, the instructor separates the three and and puts them in separate rooms, calling them one by one into the Presidential hallway.

"Sergeant Andreyev, come into the hallway."

"Yes, sir!" Andreyev ...

The government is reported to have invented a mind-control air freshener.

It makes scents if you think about it.

Reporter: Herschel Walker, what do you think of the latest abortion bill?

Herschel Walker: I think we should pay it.

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A man walks into McDonald's to report a man soliciting sex in the parking lot.

The clerk asks him what happened, and he proceeds to tell them that there is a man in the parking lot offering a blowjob in exchange for a hamburger. The clerk lets the man know that they will inform the manager who will call the police and have the man removed. They then thank the man and ask him w...

A weather report for you

I just got off the phone with a friend living in North Dakota near the Canadian Border. He said that since early this morning the snow has been coming down, it is nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. H...

Found one of my old school reports earlier

Teacher said that I was only average at maths.

I thought, that’s mean

"I remember one time I brought my report card home and said 'Hey Dad, I got a B in Reading!"

He just said "That's a D, you idiot."

"Hello police? I'd like to report a murder"

"For the last time sir, a bunch of crows sitting in a tree isn't a threat to your security"

A truck loaded with Worcestershire sauce is driving through Saskatoon, Saskatchewan when it collides with a Nissan Qashqai.

The truck then careens down the road and hits a car from Massachusetts, injuring the two otorhinolaryngologists inside. One of them, suffering from Schistosomiasis, has a myocardial infarction.

A bystander witnesses the entire event and quickly calls to report the accident on his Huawei.
...

A truck filled with Worcestershire sauce and a truck filled with quinoa crashed in front of the local charcuterie shop.

When asked by reporters what had happened a witness replied, "Well... it's kind of hard to say..."

A reporter interviewed a 103-year old woman: “And what is the best thing about being 103?” the reporter asked.

The woman simply replied, “No peer pressure”

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Reporter doing an interview

A famous TV reporter was doing a report on location in Uzbekistan about the local customs of the people of Uzbekistan. During his report he interviewed one of the local town elders and asked him:

"Tell me a story about somthing that has happened in your life that you will never ever forget as...

I listened to the traffic report this morning...

They said that someone on the highway was driving in the wrong direction... I looked out the window... they were all driving in the wrong direction!

Survey Report

If men behaved after marriage the way they behave before marriage, half the divorces wouldn’t take place.

If women behaved before marriage the way they behave after marriage, half the marriages wouldn’t take place!

Report: Tom Brady to retire.

Fans hoping for one more season reportedly deflated by the news.

Reporter to a man on the street

"Sir! What do you think about the ignorance and apathy of the public in our society?"

"Uhhh ... I don't know, and I don't care."

Why didn't the phlebotomist's reports need editing?

He was typo negative.

I had to create a report on how wind energy is produced

It was a breeze.

Police: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card?

Man: The thief was spending less than my wife.

How do cats report crimes?

They call Paw Enforcement!



...I'll show myself out

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Donald Trump was asked " what is 2+2"??

"I have to say a lot of people have been asking this question. No, really. A lot of people come up to me and they ask me. They say, 'Sir!, What's 2+2?' And I tell them look, we know what 2+2 is. We've had almost eight years of the worst kind of math you can imagine. Oh my god, I can't believe it. Ad...

An officer is at the scene of a car accident filling out a report...

Officer: "Let's see here, driver deceased.
Cause of death? Decapitation. Location of body? Torso in gutter, head in medeon... uh... meddi... medan..." *kicks head*... "Head also in gutter."

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How many cops does it take to push a black man down the stairs?

None, reports say he fell

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News Report: Child born with no eyelids.

A baby boy has been born without having his eyelid full formed. In a radical new surgery the doctors were able to form eyelids for the foreskin of the child. Doctors report the surgery successful, however the child may be cock-eyed.

Walmart just reported record sales!

In condoms and trampolines.

Missing report

A husband went to the police station to file a missing report


Husband : -I lost my wife, she went shopping hasn't come back yet.

Officer: -What is her height?

Husband : -Average, I guess.

Officer: -Slim or healthy?

Husband: -Not slim, but probably healthy. <...

Archangel Starbase, Status Report

Archangel Starbase is operational.

Courier/cargo wing, Gabriel Bay, operating at 90% of capacity.

Medical/Search & Rescue wing, Raphael Bay, ready at three minutes’ notice 24/7.

Military wing, Michael Bay, keeps exploding.

I had to report my stolen amazon package

The police are still looking for a prime suspect

News reports today that Senate GOP leader Mitch McConnell hospitalized after fall.

He finally brought a motion to the floor.

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According to a news report...

a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little li...

My mom didn't like my report card. I told her okay.

She said she wanted more A's.

So I told her "okaaaaay".

I'm glad to report that I realized my dream

last night I dreamt that I was peeing and when I woke up I found out that indeed I was peeing

Trump is reportedly upset that the Ukraine just elected a comedian as president.

Oh, Crimea river!

It was the 117th birthday of the oldest man in the country, so a reporter went to interview him.

The old man looked really young, like a 60 year old. The reporter, surprised, asked him:
- Whoah, what's your secret to live so long and look so young?
- It's really easy sir, I never argue with idiots.
- Haha! That can't be the reason.
- Alright, alright, that's not the reason.

After the earthquake hit, the local juvenile detention center reported...

... a number of minor injuries.

A guy's credit card gets stolen, and after a couple of months he finally goes to the police to report it.

Cop: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card before now?

Guy: The thief was spending less money than my wife.

Cop: Then why are you reporting it now?

Guy: I think the thief's wife started using it.

I caught my neighbor attaching a rocket engine to a deer, so I immediately reported him to the authorities...

Shame on him for trying to make a quick buck!

HBO is reportedly planning on a new TV series based on Hermione from Harry Potter.

It's called Granger Things

Romania and Moldova have both reported strange objects over the skies this week...

or as we call them in the west, Airplanes.

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A Jewish man buys a lottery ticket and wins.

After the news heard about this amazing stroke of luck, they went to go and interview him.

The news reporter asked, "Mr. Goldberg, you have just won $1 million. What are you going to do with all this money?"

The Jewish man responds with, "Well, I'm going to give half of it to my family...

My wife filed for divorce because I am a weather reporter.

That was not what I predicted

Multiple reports claiming Sting has been kidnapped

The Police still have no lead.

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A reporter interviews a man in the scottish hinterlands

to find out about his best life experiences.

He asks him: "What was the greatest experience in your life so far?"

Guy: "One time one of our sheep got lost in the woods. So the whole village went out and searched for it. And when we found it, everyone took turns and had sex with it. It ...

How did the zookeepers deal with reports of nudity in an enclosure?

They addressed the elephant in the room

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[long] A reporter is travelling town to town in the hot Mexican desert trying to get information on the most infamous bandit El Diego.

Everywhere he went people were too scared to talk about him or even acknowledge his existence in anyway.

Every bar the reporter would visit he would be kicked out of for mentioning the name. Until one day an old man at the back of a particularly run down place said he would talk.

The...

A reporter driving past a farm…

Sees a pig with two wooden legs and thinks there has to be a story here. He drives up to the farm and starts asking the farmer why the pig has two wooden legs.

“ well,” replies the farmer “ I was working over in the back pastures and my wife was cooking in the kitchen when she had a heart att...

A woman walks into a pharmacy one day and says to the pharmacist, "I’d like a poison that’ll kill my husband but make it look like he died of natural causes."

The pharmacist says, "Ma'am, not only can I not do that for you, I’m going to have to call the police and report you."

The woman removes something from her pocket and hands it to him. He looks at it and discovers that it’s a picture of her husband making love to the pharmacist's wife.
...

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A reporter is in Jerusalem interviewing a rabbi at the Wailing Wall

He asks the rabbi what he prays for.

The rabbi says, “I pray that the Jews and the Muslims can learn to get along and love each other. I pray to have all disease eradicated and for no one to starve. I pray that one day the world may live in peace.”

“That’s beautiful,” the reporter says...

Old lady sees a news report and calls her husband's cell-phone

"Honey", she says, "You need to be careful. I just saw that there is a maniac driving the wrong way on the freeway"

Husband replies, "A maniac?! There's not just one- there are hundreds of them!!!!!"

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A Labour politician, a BBC TV reporter and a British SAS soldier were captured by ISIS...

They were, as usual, sentenced to death by beheading.

Unexpectedly, the ISIS leader said they could have one last request before their sentence was carried out...

The Labour politician asked to hear a rendering of "Keep the Red Flag Flying Here".

The BBC TV reporter asked that t...

Can i see your report card ?

Dad :  "Can I see your report card, son?"
Son: "I don't have it."
Dad: "Why?"
Son: "I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents."

I don't know why the beautiful attendant at IKEA reported me to the police

All I asked was, "How much for one night stand?"

An Apple Store in Minneapolis reported losing $200,000 in inventory to riot-related theft.

'Thankfully the looters took nothing but two iPhones' the store's associate manager said.

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Vladimir Putin was being briefed by one of his top generals.

"I've good news and bad news for you this morning, sir."

"Let's hear the good news," the president replied.

"Intelligence reports indicate that the latest additions to the Ukranian arsenal are damaged and outdated, and many won't pose any threat to us at all."

"That's excellent!...

What did captain kirk’s music teach put on his report card?

He’s having trouble with the trebles

Police are investigating reports of a farmer in Kansas who has been systematically depositing his saliva on every bale in town, once every 24 hours.

The police have been slowly getting tired of the monotonous investigation that, so far, has still produced no results. As quoted in their report:

“Same spit, different hay.”

Local news reports a large dreidel display is being installed in the town square

Until further notice, this is their top story.

Putin is reportedly extremely angry about his bridge getting blown up

He needs to get over it

A small meteorite is reportedly headed for Lego Land

The damage is expected to be about 50 square blocks

Why did Thor file a police report?

Because someone stole his thunder.

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I dont own this joke. But i havent forgotten about it for five years.

Son: "Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?"

Father: "Sure son. What's the question?"

Son: "What is Politics?"

Father: "Well, let's take our home for an example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me "Capitalism". your mother is the administra...

Justin Timberlake announces that he will be joining the war in Ukrain.

Early reports suggest that he will be stationed somewhere along the Crimea River

A reporter hears about a new cafe that is a smash hit

He heads on down to see a long line of women outside, all waiting to get inside. Making his way inside, he is shocked to see Billy Gibbons of ZZ Top Fame standing behind the counter, serving tea. He walks up and asks "Hey, aren't you Billy Gibbons?"\\

"Sure am."

"Are the other guys her...

his door-to-door entrepreneur became rather bored with his job of selling Bibles, so he decided to become a boss, hiring three people to sell Bibles for him.

He interviewed three people. The first came in and said, "I want to sell Bibles for you." "OK, you're hired. Here's your kit; go sell!"


The second came in and said, "I want to sell Bibles for you." "OK, you're hired! Here's your kit; go sell!"
The third came in and said, "I- i ...

A reporter interviews a monk who's 130 years old

Reporter : According to the Guinness world record book you are the oldest living person in the world right now. What is your secret?
Monk : Well, for starters I don't argue with idiots.
Reporter : No way!
Monk : No way.

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work.

The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom, and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."
"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom -- I'l...

What's the news reporter's name?

Just-in

A reporter interviews a 2000-year-old man

Reporter: “is it true you had over nine hundred wives in your life?”

2000 y/o Man: “Indeed”

Reporter: “out of all your wives, which one was your favorite?”

2000 y/o Man: “Hmmm… Shirley. Definitely Shirley.”

Reporter: “And what made Shirley so special?”

2000 y/o Man...

The Ukranian Soldier

A Russian general hears someone shouting from the woods - "One Ukranian soldier is better than ten Russian". The angry general sends ten men to deal with the annoying Ukranian. After a short period of shots and screams, another shout is heard - "One Ukranian is better than a hundred Russians". The g...

Report: Trump endorses all-mail voting

Correction: Male voting, Trump endorses all-male voting.

North Korea announced to have successfully landed a man on the Sun

During a live interview with Kim Jong-un, a reporter asked, "the Sun is very hot! How did you land a man?" Kim proudly replied, "we launch at night!"

Meanwhile, Trump tweeted while watching the live, "Haha what an idiot! There is no Sun at night!"

The President invites the Pope to lunch on a boat. The Pope accepted and during lunch, a puff of wind blew the pontiff's hat off, right into the water. It floated off about 50 feet, then the wind died down and it just floated in place.

The crew and the Secret Service were scrambling to launch a boat to go get it, when Biden waved them off, saying, "Never mind boys, I'll get it."

Then Joe climbed over the side of the yacht, walked on the water to the hat, picked it up,

walked back on the water, climbed into the yacht,...

Why dont people from abusive families report the violence?

Because first rule of fight club is not to talk about the fight club

A policeman is told to write a report at a crime scene.

Policeman: the dead man was found lying on the pawemant......he is lying on the pave.........p a v e

*The policeman kicks the body onto the street*

Policeman: the dead man was found lying on the street.

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer.

They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.

Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. Th...

The Senate committee just released a report about the Cold War.

They found that in response to Sesame Street promoting friendship, racial equality, and care, the CIA captured the Count and forced him to run through truckloads of rice.

Russell Crowe & Sheryl Crow walk into a bar…

The bartender calls 911, "I need to report an attempted murder!"

The Irish Army received reports of Russian spies in their barracks.

To find the spy, they put a can of Guinness at each soldier's bed during the night, the second morning, the Russian who drank the canned Guinness is then arrested.

The other barracks received the same report and try to do the same, they left a bottle of vodka by the bed of every soldier, the ...

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A sexologist is asked by a reporter...

Reporter: What is the most peculiar side effect of masturbating regularly?

Sexologist: It causes short term memory loss.

Reporter: Have u done any research on it?

Sexologist: On what?

Skeleton reporters have risen from the dead.

They bring grave news.

Just saw a news report

Just saw  a news report on the strains of isolation. It’s reported people are going crazy.  I had been talking  about  this with  my mircowave and toaster and all of us agree things are getting bad. I didn’t mention  anything  to the washing machine as he always has to put a different  spin on every...

Russia has destroyed at least 21 HIMARS in Ukraine, based on past official reports

Ukraine has only 16 HIMARS in total.

Excavation report of a cemetery inside a castle

I’ve just been reading an excavation report of a cemetery inside a castle linked to a medieval siege. One of the burials was, from the skeletal analysis, a high status individual, but with the strange feature of having a skull embedded in the torso, this being of a lower status person. A careful rea...

A drug addict calls the police to report something interesting

The police officer, interested, asks. "What is it?"

The addict responds. "Okay, I-"

The officer interrupts, quickly making sure they're not on drugs "You're sober right now, right?"

"Yes, this happened when I was sober too."

All seems okay to this point. "Okay, go on."...

A reporter goes to a distant town in Alaska.

First he goes by train and then he has to ride a dog sled for several hours to get there. Upon arriving, he asks the town mayor:

"Have you considered building a train station closer to the town?"

"We have," answers the mayor, "but we eventually decided that the train station should be ...

My dad beat my brother when he showed him his report card. So, I gave my report card to my mother.

Let her take the beating.

Russian media reports: 250 people protested today in Moscow

... out of which 1700 were arrested.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was watching the news this morning when the presenter said..

"A man has been arrested after half a million indecent images of children were found at his home in Bradford. Our reporter Gary O'Donoghue has more."

Gary, you filthy bastard.

Stock Market Report

Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.

Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply. Pencils lost a few points.

Hiking equipment was trailing. Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline. Weights were up in heavy trading....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Reporter and the Man

Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"

Man: "Yes!"

Reporter: "Name?"

Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."

Reporter: "Sex?"

Man: "Three to five times a week."

Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"

Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
...

How did the Mexican cheese factory report an equipment malfunction?

No whey, Hose A.

Local man reportedly addicted to brake fluid,

Says he can stop whenever he wants.

I’m sad to report I have a bad nut allergy

Every time I eat one, I let out a little cashew

A football coach was heading off the field after a terrible loss and a reporter asked him, “How do you feel about your team’s execution?”

He said, “I’m in favor of it.”

Police responded to a reported burglary at Tesla’s robotics lab.

It was an Optimus crime.

It has been reported that there is a hole in the ground.

We are currently looking into it.

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